#FIGHT THE PAIN A WAAAAY MY HEAD IS IN RUINS

[sonicunleash]

am i laid to WAAAASTE now that youre not around COME ON LEAVE YOUR MAAAAARK VANDALIZE MY HEEEAAAART

[kass-storycorner]

An unpleasant surprise

I should definitely do my coursework instead of writing this fic, however the idea just came into my head and I couldn’t focus until I wrote this down. Writing this took waaaay longer than I anticpiated and it was way more spontanious... so it’s not proof read or anything, still hope you’ll enjoy it.

The idea/prompt: character is secretly in love with you, but won’t tell you because you are already in a relationship with someone else. Character however finds out that your partner is cheating on you – this is how they would react/act upon finding it out

Word count: 3637 Words (I’m sorry)

Character: Kaeya x gn!reader (in this it’s still very platonic and one sided love) Genre: Angst (?), Hurt, Comfort, even a bit of humour but maybe not, idk haha

Content warnings: cheating, threats, mention of blood and a major injury, mentioning of Dilucs and Kaeyas past, but nothing to explicit (tried to avoid the major spoilers)

Format: The first part / backstory is written in bullet points, but at the end you’ll find a fic written in the normal text format 

He just wanted to drown his sorrows in peace at the Angel’s Share, but no. He had to be witness to that disgusting display of infidelity of your (hopefully soon to be ex-) boyfriend

Kaeya has known you for several years now, both of you started around the same time in the Knights of Favonius. The early years of your training were some of the most fun times Kaeya had- thinking about it always made him smile. Both of you were known from the beginning as rule benders, mostly breakers, within the Knights and if it weren’t for the influence of Kaeyas adoptive family none of you both would’ve gotten that many chances to stay until each of you proved their own worth without familiar ties.

However, in the last few years you both grew a bit more distant. Kaeya blamed himself entirely for it, after Crepus death he knew he should not have any emotional ties to anyone in Mondstadt, at first he ruined the relationship with his brother by telling him the truth. He then just tried to avoid you more and more, which wasn’t easy, because after Diluc quit his position as a Cavalry Captain Kaeya rose up to his position – only to have you as his subordinate.  

It was not until you were on a mission with Kaeya that went horribly wrong, that Kaeya realised his feelings for you never were platonic, he was in love with you since the early days of training.You are his first love.

That mission was more of a secretive one, a few months after Diluc had left Mond and Crepus died, and one of the first bigger outings Kaeya had to lead as a Cavalry Captain. And the first mission without his brother by his side. The dragon Ursa resurfaced and continued to cause harm to the people of Mond, so Grand Master Varka gave Kaeya the responsibility to find that Dragons lair.

Instead of finding the hiding spot of Ursa, Kaeyas troop stumbled into a hiding spot of the, at that point not known as, Abyss order. That was the last time Kaeya went into a mission without information he himself collected and checked, because looking back it was so obviously a trap. How did he not notice it back then?

The fight was brutal and exhausting – somehow it was a miracle that the only Knight dangerously wounded was you. At least that is what the other Knights who were on that mission too would say, thankful that the worst they had to suffer from back then were a few scars at most. Hearing anyone talk about it enraged Kaeya, though he would never show it. It was because you were the most skilled fighter in that troop, even without a Vision Kaeya was sure that at your peak back then you could’ve bested him even now. But because of one of his mistakes, he did not care to watch his own back, maybe because he knew you would protect him, it was you who was injured and not him.

In that moment, seeing you unconscious on the floor laying in your own blood because you protected him, Kaeya understood his feelings for you.

After bringing you back safely to Mondstadt, and you thankfully not dying because of the injuries, Kaeya became even more distant. At first he wished to be able to tell you his true feelings after you’ve woken up, but he just couldn’t. When the healers and doctors gave the news that the injury was so severe that you would never be able to fight again, or even walk down the streets of Mond without being in pain – Kaeya thought the guilt of keeping that secret from Diluc and Crepus for years was unbearable, but the guilt he felt from being responsible for this? It pained him even more.

You stayed in the Knights, taking over administrative tasks and helping every other department of the Knights in the best ways you possibly could.

What surprised Kaeya is that you were never bitter about it. You never said it was Kaeyas fault, even went out of your way to constantly reassure him after you got the news that he shouldn’t blame himself for it (until this day he refuses to listen to you). Your smile and laughter didn’t stop after it, which he never could understand.

How were you able to be so happy and kind when your dream of leading your own troop just – vanished. To travel around Teyvat, see the world. When you weren’t able to do the things, you loved on your own, like going to Windrise to pick some of your favourite flowers.

Somehow, Kaeya thought, it was because of that guy. He never liked your boyfriend to begin with, but Kaeya thought maybe it was his jealousy that clouded his judgement.

He came into your life shortly after the incident and Kaeya remembered the first time he saw you two together – holding hands, you looked so smitten and the way you laughed when he leaned down to whisper something into your ear. After seeing that Kaeya knew he could never have something like this in his life. Not if its not with you.

Kaeya didn’t spend much time with you outside of the Knights anymore, though he would always have a conversation with you when you came up to him or he had to visit your office. Whenever he saw you outside of the Knights, you were always with your boyfriend, sometimes stopping and having a quick chat with Kaeya. Sometimes he wished you would stop being so nice to him.

Now seeing that disgusting piece of shit of a boyfriend sit in the corner of the Angel’s Share, with his hands all over some young thing made Kaeyas blood boil.

How dared he, the man who should be so lucky to have you, have his eyes and hands on another woman.

Also it’s a good thing that Diluc is not at Angel’s Share today, he was also a close friend of you back in the day and even though the friendship with Diluc didn’t survive his three years absence, Diluc would definitely throw that bastard out

Kaeya was astounded by the audacity your boyfriend had. He never had a high opinion of him but seeing that man openly flirt and make out with a woman that was not you, so obvious for everyone to see… in a bar that was frequently visited by your colleagues and friends. If it weren’t for the fact that he was cheating on you Kaeya could maybe muster up some respect for a man who had so clearly a death wish. Eyeing him from the corner of his eye, Kaeya kept observing that situation. How the hands that always held yours in public were touching all over the body of that unknown woman. How the mouth that told you sweet nothings over and over, told you that he loved you, was occupied with kissing the neck of another woman. That whole display just filled Kaeya with disgust. The loud giggles of that woman in his lap filled the Tavern and that was the moment Kaeya decided he had enough. Calmy, he finished his drink, stood up from the bar and made his way over to the table. “You surely don’t mind if I join you two”, Kaeya said in a nonchalant manner, sitting down opposite to the couple. “Oh, Sir Kaeya!”, the young woman giggled, clearly intoxicated, and embarrassed by the way Kaeya eyed the two. Quickly they both shifted, so the woman sat now besides your boyfriend. The way the cheater looked at Kaeya, it was quite amusing. A mix of fear, shock and uneasiness filled the eyes of him. It filled Kaeya with a weird sense of pride, knowing that being caught by him was something that scared him. “Seemed like you two had quite some fun back here”, Kaeya smugly started his interrogation. It was not unusual for Kaeya to use the Angel’s Share as his interrogation room – the casual setting and the alcohol made it so much easier sometimes for people to spill all their secrets. Especially when Kaeya could just be so charming. What Kaeya interested the most was if this was the first offense of the cheater or if that behaviour was a more… regular occurrence. It was at least for him the first time he caught that man red handed. Getting some information out of the girl was quite easy, she was so eager to tell the Cavalry Captain all about the two. Though from what Kaeya gathered the whole thing between her and your boyfriend was quite fresh. “You two really seem like a fitting pair”, Kaeya replied after a long ramble of that woman on how she was just so in love with your boyfriend. His voice sweet and smooth as silk, not showing how the anger inside him grew. It was just not fair, not fair to you. “Hey,” Kaeya began and eyed the empty glasses on the table, looking then back at the woman. “How about another round of drinks, it’s on me. Would you be so kind and go to Charles and order a few?”, again his voice was charming as ever.  “No, no, Sir Kaeya, that’s too kind, but another drink won’t be necessary. It is quite late; don’t you think flower? We should get going”, the cheater chimed in and Kaeya nearly lost his cool when he heard him call the woman ‘flower’. Whenever Kaeya met you and him on his patrols around Mondstadt he always heard him call you ‘flower’. Fucking bastard, is all Kaeya could think before the voice of the woman protested the cheaters concerns. “Nooo, just one more round. How can you turn down Sir Kaeya, love? Just one more, please”, she looked at him with pleading eyes and he just sighted. “Fine”, he said and with that the woman was on her way to the bar. Kaeya now hoped that Charles would keep her occupied long enough so he could find out everything he wants to know from that cheater. His eye shifted from the woman who made her way to the bar to your boyfriend who sat directly across Kaeya. Now completely alone and vulnerable, for his shield left his side. The tension in the air seemed to be unbearable, Kaeya could see how uncomfortable the silence and his curious glance made the cheater. But Kaeya knew – sometimes saying nothing says it all. Helplessly your boyfriend looked over to the bar only to see that the woman he was with was now totally engrossed in a conversation with Charles. After a few minutes, that might have felt like hours to that cheater, he broke the silence. “So,” he tried to start a conversation, clearly not knowing that he fell right into Kaeyas trap. “What gives us the honour to be invited by the Cavalry Captain?”. “Oh, I think you might be smart enough to come up with an answer yourself,” Kaeya replied, keeping up a smile. Though the look in Kaeyas eye was just as cold as the top of Dragonspine, causing the other man to shiver. “As much as it honours me that you think of me this highly, I sadly have no idea what would make the renowned Sir Kaeya sit down at my table tonight.” “Oh, so this is how you want have this conversation”, now his voice was just as cold as his look. “I don’t understand what you mean.” ‘Bullshit’, Kaeya thought. “I’ve been just curious about that woman that just sat so prominently on your lap earlier this evening, she seems to be not the same I saw you hold hands with earlier this day.” “As nice at it is that the Cavalry Captain seems concerned for me, it isn’t one of the Knights duties to pry into the lives of citizens, now, is it?” Oh, how confident the cheater now sounded, thinking he was winning that conversation. Kaeya couldn’t deny that the entire situation made him furious and that he handled it a bit differently than he usually would if he were to talk with drunk treasure hoarders. “Oh, we’re awfully bold now, are we? Believe me the Knights don’t care about your infidelity, though I guess a certain one might find it awfully interesting to know how you spend your nights.” There was a short moment of silences between the two men, the tension just rising. “Well, they wouldn’t believe you. But if you want to go and be a telltale go, I won’t stop you”, the man gave as an answer. His words did not fit his body language – bold words, but his body was tense and Kaeya could see the fear behind the eyes of the man. But it was not fear of losing you, no he seemed to be quite confident that this would not happen. Kaeya said nothing, he just looked at that man, piercing him with his ice cold look. “You see”, he continued, “I wouldn’t be sitting here in Angle’s Share with that lovely company if I thought they might believe the words of any low-rank Knight coming in their office, believing their lies. Quite sad what pranks some people want to play on them, don’t you think?” Slowly, but surely, Kaeya understood that this tonight was definitely not the first offense of that man. And he now understood why most of the Knights here tonight just looked away from the scene, not batting an eye at what was going on. Kaeya could kick himself in the ass, how did he not notice the behaviour of that rodent before him earlier? If he was so open about cheating on you that even most of the other Knights knew, how come that he did not? “And I think its just so sad, that one of the people they hold in such high regards would join in on those baseless accusations, don’t you think Sir Kaeya? I mean it would be so disappointing for them to find out that you tell them such a lie, only because you just don’t like me.” If Kaeya wasn’t a Knight, if he weren’t Kaeya right now, if he hadn’t to uphold a certain image… the floor of the Tavern would be painted with the blood of this absolute bastard. Oh, how Kaeya wished he could lose his cool. “If you say it like that, then I guess I won’t tell them a word,” Kaeya replied. “I’m glad you understand”, the cheater smiled, the fear in his eyes now subsided and he seemed to relax a bit. At that Kaeya just leaned forward, his look cold and his voice even colder. “You are telling them.” The man just scoffed, looking confused at Kaeya. “Why should I?” Kaeya now coming closer, his voice more threatening than before. “Do you really want to find out, if you don’t?”. Kaeya leaned back, smiling and at that moment the woman came back with the drinks. The face of the man was just pale as snow, the fear back in his eyes. “Oh, thank you dear”, Kaeya said when she places his drink before him, and he took a sip. If your boyfriend is smarter than he seemed to be after fooling around with that woman in public, it would do him good to do as Kaeya said.

                                                             -

Dealing with the pain in your leg was something you were used to now for a few years, but the pain in your heart today… you somehow would prefer a broken leg over your shattered heart. Your eyes were fixated on the documents before you, though trough the tears in your eyes you could barley make out what they said. What they were even for. How could you ignore it for so long, that he cheated. That he fooled around with any woman in Mondstadt willing to be with him. This sleezy asshole. The tears fell down on the paper, you couldn’t care right now what important piece of documents you ruined with your tears. How, how, how??? Why were you so stupid to believe him when he always said that all the people that came to you with their concerns must have been mistaken. Why did you believe him over and over again. You couldn’t stop thinking about how the first person coming to you was Outrider Amber, so nervous to even say anything. How you just laughed her worries away, saying she definitely was mistaken. How after Amber again and again told you how sure she was. Had you just listened to her. Then maybe you wouldn’t feel so humiliated. If you just hadn’t listened to that damn liar. In that moment you heard a knock on the door. Quickly you wiped your tears away with your sleeves, clearing your throat. “Come in,” you said, though you were shocked at how hoarse you sounded. Stepping into your office was Kaeya, but when he saw your red eyes and tear stained face, he quickly closed the door behind him. “Are you alright?”, he asked in such a soft and kind voice. Since you woke up in the infirmary all those years ago you hadn’t heard him talk in that voice. You couldn’t help it, it made you immediately tear up again. Throwing your head into your hands you just couldn’t stop the uncontrollably sobs that took over you. You didn’t even notice that Kaeya was kneeling beside your chair until he felt his hand on your back. “Hey,” you heard him say, again in this soft voice. “It’s alright, let it out.” And you did. For a while you just sat there, crying and sobbing until you ran empty. The whole time Kaeya was on your side, saying nothing. He was just there and somehow, even after you two grew apart in the past years, after all that happened – Crepus death, Dilucs disappearance and return, your injury. Even after all it did not feel awkward to just cry and look for comfort at his side. After all, you still were friends. Slowly you calmed down, looking up to him. “I was so stupid, Kaeya. So many people came to me, told me what they saw, who he was and I- I just ignored it. I ignored it all, my feelings and-“, you felt the lump in your throat, making you stop speaking. It was just too much. “You’re not stupid,” he said, taking you in his arms. It felt so good to just melt into the hug. Just trying to forget the pain for a few seconds, slipping back into the familiarity of Kaeya you haven’t felt in such a long time.

Kaeya on the other hand couldn’t stop asking himself if what he’s doing here was alright. Was it okay to comfort you, he asked. If he hadn’t basically threatened your, obviously now, ex-boyfriend last night to tell you the truth, he might have been met with your bright smile today and not that painful expression. But it was the right thing to do, you deserved to know. You deserved for that guy to tell you, although he should have told you the truth out of his own free will. Not because Kaeya got involved. “Thank you”, he heard you mumble into his chest. “For what?” he asked, both of you now parting from the hug. “For just… for being here. And for being a friend”, you answered, again wiping tears away. Kaeya couldn’t help himself and chuckled at that statement. A friend, yeah. That is what he was and what he must be fine with. However, he didn’t really expect you to view him as one, after all that happened and how much he tried to avoid you in the past. “Well, I have been an awful friend the last years, haven’t I?”. Your eyes shot up, looking directly into his eye. “No, what makes you think that?”. You genuinely looked surprised at his statement. “Well,” he gestured towards your leg. Before he could even say anything, he felt your hands cup his face and looking at him sternly. “Kaeya Alberich, how often do I have to tell you this. What happened to my leg is not your fault, please stop taking blame for it. It was my choice to join you on that mission.” For a short while you both just looked into each other’s eyes until Kaeya couldn’t stand it anymore, a sigh leaving him, and he looked away. “How come that I want to comfort you and you just end up telling me something I just can’t seem to learn.” He stood up and then he saw it. You smiled at him. A sad smile, but a smile, nonetheless. “One day you’ll hopefully learn it”, you said. “Now, to make up for this”, pointing at your leg, trying to joke, “and for threatening a Mondstadt citizen, I think you should get me something from Good Hunter.” Kaeya was surprised. How did you know? He couldn’t even ask you, you already gave him the answer to the question that was so clearly written all over his face. “He literally begged me, after telling me the truth and breaking up with me, that I made sure you wouldn’t hurt him.” Now Kaeya gave out a small laugh, partially because he felt a bit embarrassed by you knowing, but also the thought of that arrogant asshole being so afraid of him amused Kaeya. “And, what did you tell him”, he asked, now back with his more playful tone. “Mmmmmh, I told him I’ll think about it.”

[becamitchellsbeats]

Bechloe - Skype Night

Inspired by the Bellas performance of Love On Top!

Beca is isolating alone and is missing the Bellas more than she cares to admit. One skype call and a spontaneous burst into a song later and everything changes.Might continue it so lemme know your thoughts!]

-

Beca's music career had been put on a temporary hold as she was made to isolate at home, her hand wrestling to the bottom of yet another chips packet as she flicked through the TV channel for the 17th time. "Well this officially sucks" she groaned to herself, tucking her legs in closer as she eyed a photo frame on the TV cabinet,  it was the Bellas graduation photo, looking back at it she wished she smiled more for the photo, she looked so grumpy, especially when compared to Chloe who her eyes focusing on Chloe in particular.

Beca hadn't seen Chloe in around 2 months which felt like agony seeing as she was used to seeing her daily, not that she'd ever admit it. The emptiness of her apartment was also driving her insane, she was in a position of wanting company but not wanting to ask for it, especially considering it had bizarrely became against the law for the time being, something she never could of seen coming.

See, everything went to crap when the Bellas graduated, a virus had taken the globe by storm, and university life had changed drastically, Beca was glad they had graduated before all the changes but it now meant she was isolating alone.

Fat Amy, who said she'd be Beca's 'roomie for life' received a 'dodgy' lump sum from her father so of course she was off living in a massive house somewhere and Chloe, who was her other potential roommate had gone and got herself stranded abroad whilst helping out at a vet overseas to gain more exotic animal experience.

Beca reluctantly removed herself from the sofa, dragging her feet across the wooden flooring as she made her way into the bathroom. She stared at herself in her mirror, her bottom lip tugging as she winced at the sight. Hair tangled, Cheetos dust staining her once white t-shirt and chipped black nail paint.

Tired eyes looked her reflection up and down, her hand lazily hitting the nozzle on the taps splashing herself with some cold water. "Okay Mitchell, you need to sort yourself out jeez" she said whilst waving her finger at herself in the mirror, pointing at herself somewhat sternly, then lightly smirking at herself for her own weird behavior. "I'm officially losing it" she admitted.

Feeling motivated to freshen herself up Beca jumped in the shower, warm water running down her body as she collected her thoughts. Stepping out the shower and feeling immediate regret as the cold air wrapped itself around her body, she shuddered, eagerly grasping for her towel as her wet hair now covered her eyes. She huffed, trying to blow the clingy wet hair off her lips as she blindly reached for her hair brush. Groans filled the bathroom as her hairbrush tore through the knots in her hair, her eyes watering from some particularly painful knots.

Fully clothed and nails now painted Beca had just finished on putting on her signature eyeliner. She sat in her bedroom, that was surprisingly still tidy, but that was because she had barely managed to remove herself from the sofa. She rarely socialized nowadays, other than her occasional skype calls with the group, but she always felt funny about joining calls, she was a bit awkward about having her webcam on and well, all of them insisted they have them on so she'd often opt out.

Beca however was eager to speak to Chloe, which was hard to do as she was a key worker at the vet she was helping out at abroad, with time zones and Chloe's long hours she was often exhausted so she rarely had the time and Beca felt weird reaching out to the others, she refused to come across as clingy but secretly felt sad whenever they left their skype calls. She even felt disappointed when Jessica left her.

Her hand moved to flip open her laptop lid as she adjusted her hair once more "I'll just call her, she'll be home" she mumbled to herself as her mouse hovered over the call button on Chloe's contact.

"Why do I feel so damn nervous" she said fidgeting as she stared at her username "Okay after 3, i'll click the damn call button" she moved her mouse up once more as she counted to three, pressing down on the green button as her own video filled the screen whilst a ringing noise echoed out her laptop speakers.

"Man I hate staring at myself like this" she muttered as the whole screen was filled by her camera.

A red circle, with a hang-up symbol filled the screen. Beca's heart sank. "Bad timing?" she wondered.

_______________________________________________

Chloe's heart raced with excitement when Beca called. She was getting worried about her since she had been so far away, she would often flood her with texts making sure she was eating and drinking enough. She knew Beca was down about not being able to carry out with her record label work and she wanted nothing more than to be there with her, but she knew she'd been neglecting Beca lately, she just didn't have the time and the time gap only worsened things.

"You guys Beca is calling give me a second I'll add her!"

DontBelieveInLadders: [Quick AMBUSH her!]

________________________________________________

Chloe's icon flashed up on Beca's screen it was her wearing sunglasses cuddling a baby fox, a new photo it seemed. Beca now focused her attention on her laptop that was now ringing as it flashed up "Chloe Beale + 8 others" "Group call?" Beca wondered as she clicked the green phone icon.

"BECAAAA!" the group greeted in unison. "Oh sweetie you look so good!" Chloe said with a grin who was also visible on her webcam "And you've got your camera on! I'm so glad" she said excitedly."Someone made an effort" Fat Amy teased, taking notice of Beca's stylish yet casual appearance.

Beca looked away from her camera awkwardly "What? I always get ready pfft"

"You literally have no where to go" Fat Amy responded in a pitchy yet blunt tone "But thats okay Beca, self-care is important and Impress-Chloe-Care even more so"

Beca rolled her eyes "How long you guys been on a call for anyways?" her hands fidgeting with the items on her desk, just out of shot of her camera.

FlippingThroughBorders: {Oh we just started} Flo typed on the message box below

DontBelieveInLadders: {We're still waiting for Stacie and still setting up bits} commented Aubrey as she rustled around in the background for her physical webcam to plug in.

_______________________________________________

Stacie laid in bed, browsing memes on her phone, her attention was diverted when Emily's text popped up {Heeeey hurry up and join the group skype call!} Stacie dangled over her bed and grabbed her laptop from underneath her set of bedside draws. She blew the dust off the top of it and opened it up "I've not used this bad boy in a while" she said as she turned it on, the battery flashing orange from where it was getting low.

As she opened up her search engine it flashed up with her old google tabs, an explicit site was restored and automatically started playing the last video she was watching. Stacie's eyes widened "Well that's quite the greeting," her eyes bulging as she looked the model in the video up and down before shaking her head and closing the tab. "Now is not the time for that" she laughed to herself as she launched skype and joined the chat.

"Hey you guuuuuys" she greeted with a toothy grin. The Bellas greeted their soprano cheerfully., Stacie's eyes focused on Beca "Look who finally learned that isolation doesn't mean isolating from virtual calls!"

Beca rolled her eyes again "I join in!""Occasionally" Emily countered."Or when Chloe is in the chat" Fat Amy coughed

"Aw poor Beca" Flo said into the mic now she had got it set up.

Beca began snapping her fingers rhythmically, gaining even more attention from the group. "I'm not doing this with you guys"

"Ba bah bah ba, ba" Beca hummed trying to drown them out

"What is she doing?" asked Emily"Ba ba bah da..." Beca continued "is that?" Aubrey raised an eyebrow "I recognize that arrangement, is that, Queen B?" Aubrey said enthusiastically as she leaned forward in her seat.

"Oh my god you guys are we going to sing?" Chloe said excitedly clasping her hands together as she bounced in her seat.

"Aw yeah!! lets sing together tonight you guys" Emily beamed"Okay legacy calm down don't ruin it before we've begun" Amy groaned.

The Bellas began snapping their fingers and harmonizing as they began to develop more of a beat for the song Beca was starting off.

"Here we go" said Fat Amy as the beat had been accomplished.  A grin slowly tugged at Stacie's face as Lily began beatboxing. "i'll bring  owowowo beat in"

Beca glanced away shyly as she sang into her microphone.‎"Honey, Honeyyy, I can see the stars, all the waaaay from here, can't you see the glow on the--"

"windowpane" the girls harmonized in unison

"I can feel the sun, whenever you're near, everytime you touch me I just melt away" Beca's eyes glanced at Chloe occasionally as she continued singing.

Fat Amy then jumped in with a solo "Everybody asking why i'm smiling now from ear to eaaaarr!" ("You can say love hurts") "Well I knooooooow-OHHH" ("It's gonna take a little work") Fat Amy said raising her fist passionately.

"Nothings perfect but its worth it, after fighting through my tears!" Stacie sang strongly

"And finally you put me first!"  (dah-dah) the Bellas all sang in unison

The Bellas danced together, doing hand gestures and performing together in perfect harmony. As the song continued Beca felt herself feeling more confident again, her heart feeling full as it felt like everyone was finally with her again.Her eyes closing as she found herself getting lost in the moment.

"Chloe its you, you're the one I love, you're the one I need!"

"You're the only one I see, C'mon Chloe its yoooooou"

Beca blurted out raising the octvave as they were reaching the end of the song "you're the one who gives your all, you're the one I can always call!" the girls continued the beat but stared at her. This was the version Beca would sing on her own, as she often would change song lyrics to fit how she felt.

"When I need to make everything stop, finally you put my love on top"

Chloe paused for a moment, failing to continue singing as her mind tried to grasp the lyrics that had just left Beca's mouth, her face reddening with slight tinges as started singing through her smile and teary eyes.

Being a supportive team the girls continued to hold off on teasing her, after all it was one of the Bellas standards not to let distractions interrupt a performance. Fat Amy couldn't help but smirk as she sang, she was itching to tease Beca.

The DJ was in her own world, snapping and swaying in her seat, singing with her eyes closed she hadn't even realised what she had said untilt he girls changed the lyrics themselves.

"Oh Baby I can feel the wind whipping past my faaaace" Beca sang

"As we dance the night awaaaay" the girls harmonized.

"And girl your look it tastes like a night of champagne"  (oooh) Chloe sang solo

"As I kiss you again and again and again and again" Aubrey chimed in.

As the song continued the girls began grinning, looking over at Chloe and Beca, then back to eachother as they all nodded, clearly on the same wavelength as the song progressed.

"CHLOE ,its yoooou" they sang raising the octave.

"you're the one Bec loves! you're the one Bec neeeeeeeeds"

"WAIT, GUYS" Beca yelled as her face went a shade of red she had never gone before.

"You're the only one she sees! c'mon Chloe its yoooou, you're the one who gives your all, your the one Bec can always call, when she needs you everything you DROP,  finally! you say your love out loud"

"Baby, you're the one that I love, you're the only one that I need!" Chloe sang loudly with a cheeky wink as Jessica and Ashley dominated the top notes.

"C'mon Beca its yoooooou" the Bellas sang in harmony

"When I need you everything stops, finally you put my love on top" the group then faded out to a stop.

The girls all cheered and celebrated as they finished the spontaneous arrangement of love on top. "Crushed it" Amy said with a fist bump.

Beca had already retreated behind her hands, wishing nothing more than to have a wheelie-chair so she could move herself off screen with speed.

"So Beca, remember the last time at the ICCAS when you changed the lyrics, well this was certainly distracting but, it kinda sounded like a confession" Aubrey teased.

"Hmm, thats so ODD Aubrey, I TO was thinking that sounded like a confession to me"

"I mean I got ripped a new one for performing an orginal song at that riff off, but to lyric change Beyonce, you're bold Mitchell" Emily joked.

"Aw don't tease her guys, shes drowning, although Beca, you should know, I've experienced  drowning for real,so this is better" Flo joined in.

"There was no hiding that Becs, surprised you didn't notice!" Stacie grinned

Beca groaned "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you" she said behind the safety of her hands.

"Well duh, it wasn't my name you sang the word 'LOVE' next too, quarantines got you all soft huh" Stacie couldn't help but tease.

Beca slowly dragged her hands down her face, peering out from the tips of her fingertips. "It was that obvious huh... guess thats what happens when I have the place to myself to sing the wrong damn version."

Chloe cleared her throat "Well I for one found that really sweet Becs" she said with a smile that met her eyes as her hand rested on her chest "Honestly my heart is pounding! its a good thing I know how to do CPR well on animals but, y'know" she fanned herself with her hand feeling flustered.

"Yeah um that wouldn't work Chloe, you can't do CPR on yourself" Fat Amy said shaking her head.

"I-I know that its just" Chloe went red "I just--" she threw her hands up in the air "Oof just get over her and kiss me Mitchell, screw this virus, lets just isolate together"

Beca looked up "Man this is so embarrassing this wasn't meant to come out like this and--"

"I'm glad honestly!" Chloe said with a grin "it just makes being a part from you even harder" she whined.

"I just wish you weren't so many miles away" Beca groaned

"Y'all need a ride because I can fly a plane, I just ain't got no licence officially at least" Cynthia Rose commented with a slow nod. "If you know what I mean" she said clicking her tongue.

"Thats so sweet of you but highly illegal, the Bellas have been in enough trouble in the news so we better do things legally this time, ahem, that goes to you too Amy" Chloe said suspiciously looking over at Amy who had moved off camera.

"Whaaaaat" Amy groaned "Its not like I was up to anything suspicious on a dodgey website just now"

"C'mon ladies lets give these two lovebirds some space and go gossip in another chat!" said Emily as the Bellas all began to retreat from the call so only Beca and Chloe remained.

Chloe placed her hand on the screen "Can't believe i'm only saying this now after like what, three years but, I love you Beca"

"I love you too Chlo"

- End of part -

[ariela-of-aedyr]

Reunion

Ariela and Eder take a detour on their way to find someone who might be able to help them to fix up their wrecked ship, and end up meeting an old friend. Under a read more because this got waaaay longer than I’d ever intended it to be.

They had been walking for miles. 

It wasn't that Ariela was opposed to walking, in fact she rather liked it, in the right circumstances. She'd enjoyed a good stroll in her leisure time back in Aedyr, taking in the beautiful sights that surrounded her hometown, often with a pretty companion of her choosing to keep her company. She'd even found a nice trail near Caed Nua, after settling there, which she'd taken to walking with Vela, teaching the young girl about the flowers and animals that they saw along the way. But trekking for hours through an unfamiliar land, in the aftermath of a storm, still sore and tired from the shipwreck, and... well, whatever it was that had happened to her before that... was not exactly her idea of fun.

The Dawnstars that they'd met along the road a couple of hours before had pointed them in the direction of the nearest town, but Ariela had been beginning to worry that they'd somehow managed to get lost along the way, until the day's light began to dip as the evening came upon them, and she saw the gentle glow of streetlights on the horizon. The end of their walk was finally in sight.

"Doesn't look too much further now." Eder remarked, turning his attention from the road ahead to flash her an encouraging smile. "You holding up OK?"

Ariela let out a long breath. "That's a big question. But, in the short term... I think so?" 

"Good." Relief flooded her friend's face, before he added, "You know, you had me pretty worried back there for a while."

"You mean when I died?" Ariela tried to lighten the mood with a smile, making out like she thought the whole thing was trivial, but in reality, that was the part of her recent experiences that she wasn't handling so well. She'd been starting to remember, as they walked, what exactly had happened back in the Dyrwood. Though she didn't quite have a clear picture of everything- she suspected that she'd been in and out of consciousness for a lot of it- she remembered enough. The ground rumbling; erupting. Pain wracking her body. Screams. 

The screams of people who had trusted her to keep them safe, begging for help, as she laid there powerless to do anything. 

She averted her gaze from Eder's quickly, not wanting to cause her friend any more worry, and swallowed heavily, trying to shake the memories from her mind. "I don't rightly know what happened to you, Ari, but I'm glad that you're..."

"Eder, look!" She hadn't meant to cut him off in the middle of what she was sure had been going to be a heartfelt message of support, though it was true that she didn't particularly want to dwell on the subject any longer. But in her attempt to look anywhere but his eyes, not wanting to let on how she was truly feeling, she had noticed that something off with the ground not too far away. "It's a footprint! A massive footprint. Eothas must have went that way."

"And so you want to go that way too?" Eder looked dubious, his eyes drifting back and forth between the lights on the horizon and the huge indent in the ground, heading off in a different direction. "We're not far from that town. It might be a safer bet."

"I know." Ariela bit on her lower lip, nibbling anxiously. "But the ship can wait a little longer. The crew managed to salvage some supplies, they'll be alright for a little while. If there's people that way..." Her eyes fixed on the direction that the God had apparently traveled. Pain. Screams. Disaster. She didn't want anyone else to suffer. "Please, Eder. I couldn't help anyone in Caed Nua. If anyone else was caught in his wake... If there's still someone that can be saved here, I have to do all that I can for them. I won't be able to live with myself if I don't at least try."

--

It was just when Ariela had decided that there was no-one along this path that needed her help, as the last of the evening light that had been guiding them through the unfamiliar terrain was beginning to fade completely, that they reached the first signs of civilization. It was a ruin of some sort, Engwithan, but the well-maintained and well-lit route deeper into the structure suggested that it was still regularly accessed, or, at least, had been recently. 

"You know, I might have plenty to say to my God, but if he's standin' just around the corner, I don't know that me and you can take him all on our own." Eder remarked, dodging around another of the footprints as they moved along the path. Ariela tried not to dwell on how deep the impact of just one foot had been, tried not to remember the keep she'd rebuilt being crumpled into rubble. "I figure we're gonna need at least another person, maybe even two."

Ariela chuckled, despite her nervousness. "Well, perhaps you should have thought about that before you put me on a boat and headed out to sea to chase a God."

"True enough."

"Perhaps I didn't mention enough how much I hate boats while we were traveling together. Though, in my defense, I did have other things on my mind at the time." Ariela's eyes darted about, looking for any sign of life as she walked, relying on the torches that had been set up along the pathway to light her way. 

It was as the path widened out into a clearing, at the top of a wooden staircase which seemed to be a more recent addition to the site, that she saw them. She might have mistaken them for statues at first, were it not for the unusual positions that the figures were in, forever frozen cowering in terror, and for the fact that she had seen something like this before, all those years ago, when her soul had first been Awakened. These were people, had been people, before their bodies had been turned to ash, souls ripped from them.

"Gods." Ariela breathed, fighting back tears that had begun to well in her eyes. Had this been the fate of everyone back home, the people she had been supposed to protect? Swallowing heavily, she turned for the staircase, leading the way down into ruin. "Come on, let's just... let's see if there's anyone left."

Moving down and into the ruin properly, it became apparent that this had been some kind of digsite; tools and equipment were left scattered across the ground where they had been discarded by users in the moments before their deaths, and a few benches were set up along the way, covered in papers and the occasional relic. She kept moving past it all, searching for any sign of survivors, against all reason.

The first sign of movement raised her hopes, until a blast of flame crashed into the ground just in front of her, and she realised that it was a wurm- two wurms, in fact- and not a person, that she had seen moving. She jumped back quickly, thankful for the quality of her boots and the poor aim of the creature, that had helped her avoid harm. Eder began to move past her, hand already moving towards the hilt of his weapon, but she reached out to stop him.

"Wait!" The creatures weren't supposed to be here, they'd probably been displaced from their actual homes as the God that that she was following had strode through them. They were lost, and scared. This didn't have to end in violence. "I can handle this. We don't need to hurt them."

Reaching out with her mind, it wasn't difficult to influence them, convincing them to leave this place and head back to their homes. It wasn't a permanent solution, when her influence faded, there was every chance that they would eventually make their way back here, but for the time being, the creatures turned and left without any further fuss.

"Hey, that was pretty good!" Eder smiled at her encouragingly. "You should do that for every fight."

"Well, frightened creatures are easier to influence than angry kith, but I'll certainly keep it in mind." 

Moving across to a wooden ramp, leading down to a lower level of the ruin, Ariela found a pair of panthers and a large contraption made out of equipment that Ariela vaguely recognised as having some kind of relevance to the animantic sciences. The panthers she dealt with quickly, scattering them back into the surrounding forest without any need for confrontation, but the contraption required further study. It seemed to be a cage of some sort, she could figure out that much, though there appeared to be no way to open the thing from the outside that she could see. Moving closer, she caught sight of some kind of movement behind the clouded glass walls, and with a little focus was able to make out the silhouettes of several kith inside.

"Hello?" Ariela called out, moving up to the machine properly and trying to focus her eyes on what was inside. "Is someone in there? Are you alright?"

"Are the beasts gone?" A voice asked from inside, and she saw one of the figures move up to the glass, stopping right in front of her, moving their face closer as if trying to get a better view.

"I can't guarantee that they'll stay gone forever." Ariela admitted. "But I drove them off, so it's safe right now."

There was some murmured discussion between the residents of the cage that Ariela couldn't quite make out, but relief flooded through her veins all the same. Whatever they chose to do now, at least there were some survivors coming out of this mess. She was glad that they had come this way, even if it had delayed finding someone to help them fix the ship, because at least now she knew for certain there was some hope. People in Eothas' wake may still yet survive.

There was a rattle and a loud clank, followed by the whirring sound of machinery, and Ariela moved back a few steps as the door to the cage began to open, the people inside spilling out. They looked tired, a little shaken, but physically not too worse for wear.

A young man towards the back of the group began cheering that they were saved, but the woman who stepped to the front of the group seemed less enthusiastic. She was human, not yet middle aged- though Ariela was notoriously terrible at judging the ages of younger races- and wore a serious expression on her face. 

She peered past Ariela curiously, as if expecting someone else to be there. "Governer Clario must have sent you to rescue us, no?"

"Um, no, actually." Ariela corrected, with an apologetic expression. "We just... well, we happened to be in the area, and I had to see if there was still anyone to be saved."

"She's like that." Eder remarked, from beside her. "You just kind of have to get used it."

"Well, you are here, and that is what matters." The group spokeswoman seemed somewhat dejected that they had not been an official search party, but considering Ariela was not entirely sure where they were, let alone what local politics might be at play, she decided to let it go and not probe any further into the matter.

"What were you all doing out here?" Ariela queried, supposing it was a natural change of subject. And now that she knew there were survivors, she had to admit to being a little curious about the ruins.

"Hiding, of course!" The young man, the same one that had been cheering as he came out of the cage, remarked.

"We were taking measurements of the luminous adra when something strange began happening." The first woman explained, somewhat more helpfully.

The ground rumbling; erupting. 

"It was fascinating." The young man continued. "The pillar started to dim. The ground shook, and our instruments showed unusual variations of-"

"That's when those of us with a grain of sense got into the cage." An older woman from somewhere in the middle of the group piped up, cutting of the younger man mid sentence.

"What exactly is the cage?" Ariela asked, glancing past the group to look at the work of animancy behind them. It wasn't a topic she knew a lot about, though she'd always found it somewhat fascinating. It was outlawed where she had grown up, after all, so naturally she'd always wondered what all of the fuss was about.

"Something we made to protect ourselves from surges in the luminous adra." Ariela glanced at Eder, dropping her voice a little. "If Eothas is using the adra statue to collect soul essence, that would explain why they were protected inside, while everyone outside..." She trailed off, the end of the sentence apparent without her having to say it.

"What would he need with souls?"

"I... don't exactly know. And frankly, I think I'm a little terrified to find out." Turning back to the survivors she asked; "Did you see what happened?"

The woman at the front of the group nodded solemnly. "The colossus. Some kind of construct made from luminous adra. It passed through towards the pillar. The pillar went dark, and all of our colleagues outside the cage froze. Like they were turned to ash."

"I'm very sorry for your losses." Ariela added, respectfully. "If you need to take a moment..."

"After that was when the panthers and wurms showed up!" The enthusiastic young man took over. "They started going through the tents, it was awful. But Engferth-"

The woman that had been speaking shot a terrifying look in his direction, and he fell quiet so that she could speak once again. She addressed Ariela with a somewhat desperate look. "Some of our people are still missing inside the ruins, including our lead researcher, Oderisi. It could be possible that he managed to hide."

"I... don't know how likely that is." Ariela admitted, carefully. "But I'm perfectly willing to help however I can. I can go and take a look inside, if you'd like? See if I can find more suvivors?"

"You would?"

"Of course. We want to help, that's why we're here." She glanced in Eder's direction, and to Ariela's relief he gave an approving nod.

"Well, if you're going below... you should take Engferth with you." She turned to motion somebody to the front of the group. 

"Oh, don't worry, we're quite capable-" Ariela began, not wanting to drag anyone from the group into potential danger.

At the exact same time, Eder remarked; "Hey, he looks just like-" 

Ariela followed her friend's gaze, confused as to why Eder had cut himself off. Her confusion was short lived, however, as her eyes landed on the person being ushered to the front of the group. She knew the face well, and had, in fact, dreamt about those pretty features regularly over the last few years. The woman may have identified him as 'Engferth', but the man now standing before her was most definitely Aloth Corfiser.

She cocked an eyebrow in his direction, but carefully schooled her expression to be as close to neutral as she could manage as he discretely tapped a finger to his lips. She wasn't a fan of dishonesty, but she trusted Aloth, and if he felt there was a need to keep his identity concealed, then she would respect his decision to do so.

But... that didn't mean she couldn't have a little fun with him. Five years was a long time to go without even so much as a letter to your dear friend, after all. Tilting her head curiously, she tried not to let the smirk threatening to play on her lips show. "What else can you tell me about 'Engferth'?"

"I... I don't think that's really-" Aloth began to insist, but the woman had already begun to answer.

"He has only been with us for a few weeks. He's inexperienced, but he came from a glowing recommendation from an academy in Selona."

"Oh, I'm sure he did." Ariela murmured, to herself.

"That's surely a generous overstatement." Aloth interjected, shooting Ariela a look.

She feigned innocence, returning her attention to the other woman, pointedly. "A glowing recommendation, you said?"

"'A pupil of unnatural talent' is the phrase I recall." The woman elaborated, ignoring the further attempts at protest from the man himself. "It seems he was loved and regarded by almost all of his instructors, though misunderstood, I gathered, by his fellow students."

A deep blush had spread across Aloth's cheeks by now, reaching up to the tips of his ears, and despite the glare he was leveling at Ariela, she couldn't help but think that he looked adorable. 

She knew that she should stop her line of questioning now, that the task in front of her was far more important than this, but she'd been wound so tight with the tension of everything that was going on, and now that she'd allowed herself even a few moments of release, she wasn't entirely sure how to stop. "That's all very impressive. He doesn't even sound Vailian."

"Engferth's story is especially sad!" The young man at the back of the group announced. "He was only a boy when both his parents died. In a fire."

"Wishful thinking, surely." Ariela remarked, somewhat more loudly than she had intended. Thankfully no-one questioned her comment.

"He came to the Dyrwood and lived at the manor of a wealthy old aunt from Aedyr until she also died... in a fire."

Ariela turned her attention back to her former travelling companion, and found a sheepish look on his face. She narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously. 

Clearing his throat awkwardly, Aloth remarked; "Well, if that's all, then perhaps we should be off. That is... if you want my assistance?"

"Of course. I'd like nothing more."

--

"Your wealthy old aunt!?" Ariela moved in front of Aloth as soon as they were out of view and earshot of the animancers, a mock frown on her face. "Really?!"

He grimaced. "It seemed like a convenient story. Besides, you do have the oldest soul of anyone I know."

"I'm still younger than you, you cheeky-" 

"Don't mind her, Aloth." Eder remarked, clapping a hand on the other man's shoulder with a chuckle. "She's been in a funny mood ever since she died again."

"You..." Aloth's gaze snapped to her face once more, a briefly horrified expression plain to see, before his eyes began roaming over her, searching for something. "What happened? Ariela, are you...?"

"I'm fine." That wasn't exactly true, but she said it all the same. It seemed easier than the reality. "What's more important is what you've been up to. 'Engferth'. Five years since I saw you last! You don't visit, you don't write."

She wasn't entirely sure why it bothered her so much that he hadn't been in contact with her since he'd left Caed Nua all those years ago. She'd encouraged him to follow his heart, to do what he thought was best, even if it meant parting company with one another. It wasn't as though one year of adventuring together meant that he owed her a lifetime of acquaintance. No, that wasn't quite right. Ariela did know why it bothered her so much. It was obvious, really. The feelings she'd developed for him during their time together had been beyond those of friendship, and though she'd kept those feelings to herself, she knew that she had been really quite smitten with him. The fact that he had broken off contact with her so entirely, it surely meant that he didn't return those feelings. And, as much as she knew that it shouldn't, that hurt her.

"Ah. Yes. Thank you for your discretion back there. Well, 'discretion' in the loosest definition of the word, anyhow." 

"Sorry," Ariela smiled. "Once I started, I couldn't seem to stop." 

"All the same, I appreciate that you didn't reveal my true identity. We can speak more freely about my movements once we're away from the island."

"Of course." Ariela made to walk on, to head deeper inside the ruins in search of more survivors that she suspected they would not find, but before she could take a step, she quickly changed her mind.

Turning back to face Aloth, she wrapped her arms around him in a sudden embrace, releasing him after a brief moment to find that ever familiar, incredibly adorable flushed face. 

"It's good to see you again."

A genuine smile overtook his face, and, horribly, Ariela could feel herself falling in love all over again. "And you as well." 

[inkth]

cream of the crop pt. 1

pairing → mygxreader

genre → angst (in future parts), fluff

warnings → for this part, there are no warnings

word count → 6.6k

okAY so fyi this is unedited for now and i might come back to switch certain things up but oh my god in bon voyage there was a part where yoongi got a strawberry milkshake and i stg this was in my wip waaaay before that so when i saw the gif i think i wailed a bit bc he made it literally canon my friends!!!! hope u enjoy this guys im chwishfsdkfhl

Yoongi just wanted a god damn strawberry milkshake to release work stress. not to be grabbed by the arm by a stranger begging him to role play as some perfect boyfriend or another.

There are a variety of absurd experiences Min Yoongi has been unfortunate enough to cross within his current lifetime.

Thinking back, there was that time Yoongi picked up the phone to his childhood best friend Kim Namjoon, who thought he was being robbed by foreigners on the side of the street at one in the afternoon, and frantically asked Yoongi to please come save him by the way its the sidewalk on 44th street bring a gun!

“What kind of fucking robbers let you make a phone call, dumbass?” Yoongi barked into the phone, pretty upset that his afternoon nap was interrupted by some nonsensical disturbance.

“Oh shit Yoongi, you’re probably right,” Namjoon exhales and stays on the phone with him though, as he tries to solve the mystery of the tourists who just wanted to let Namjoon know that he had dropped a couple bills. They were discreetly carrying knives because they were opening a wood carving stand a block over, Namjoon explained later. Yoongi was quite the unamused listener.

There was another time in his already awfully long life when Yoongi himself was found caught in the middle of a fight between a Minecraft gamer and a ballerina carrying a flower vase, but that was a long story where it finally ended with him being released from custody as soon as the police had determined his innocence.

Or that other glitch in his simulation of a life when he had to bring nine cats home with him after work. Yoongi never knew he had a cat allergy, but he learned it the hard way that night as he sneezed so hard for so long till he couldn’t hear anything out of his ears.

So when Yoongi is feeling something in the air tickle his nugget of a brain that he should skip his ritual milkshake tonight and head on home right away to avoid whatever this coming disturbance is, Yoongi does what Yoongi does best, and he ignores his intuition because who cares, what Yoongi wants is his McFreaking milkshake.

Everything goes smoothly. Yoongi successfully orders a milkshake at the bar. He successfully receives the right order. He successfully starts to drink the milkshake in the quiet serenity of two am on a Monday. 

But then he fails to leave as soon as she comes in the door, the same girl who legitimately flings the entrance open like some wild animal and he is so horrified he can’t look away from this scene and makes the mistake of meeting your gaze.

The damage is done, however. He knows you’ve selected him as your prey among the barren tables save for one lady picking up fries togo and the waitress staring at you in fear.

“Lady, please get off me,” he groans, pulling your fingers off his biceps as if they’re blood hungry leeches. His arm is free for maybe a second before your fingers fly back, grip stronger than before and this time Yoongi really can’t do much with just the one tired, exhausted hand; the one that isn’t holding the milkshake glass. 

He’s whispering a string of curses and damnations at One Week Ago Yoongi for slacking with working out. Or any of his past Yoongis, really. He rests his head on the tips of his fingers, weighing down on his elbow angled onto the table.

“You don’t understand,” you wheeze dramatically, eyes round with terror. Uh, hello? I don’t care enough to understand, Yoongi mentally comments. “My parents, they-“

Sure, you might’ve been exaggerating everything a little, but what’s a little show and extravagance when your damn life is on the line? A matter of life and death knows no tranquility.

He looks at you half lidded; boredom and ‘are you really still talking to me Ican’tbelievetheaudacity’ washing over his face doing a whole awful lot to create a grave aura around him. You can physically see the deathly ash gray energy come off him in waves like something from an anime.

At this point, Yoongi’s thinking he might just ditch you, make a run for it to never see your crazy ass again and the idea is so tempting but instead, he responds. He’s not too sure why, although it’s probably ‘cause he’s paid an awful lot for this deliciously overpriced milkshake that has yet to be completely consumed. But the fact of the matter is he does respond, even thought you’re clearly not in the right state of mind and he really should be telling you to go home.

“Listen, they’re not gunna care if your boyfriend’s a bum. It’s your life anyways, why would they care?” Yoongi notices he’s got about another sip or two of his milkshake and then he can hightail it outta this joint and a certain spazz grabbing onto him.

You let go of his arm, thinking maybe you came off a little too strong and run your hands over your hair to pat down the flyaways contributing to the messy, crazed look.

“Now, I really absolutely must get going… miss,” Yoongi has finished his drink with a content sigh, a little disappointed that the experience was partially ruined with your improv tug of war, but content nonetheless. “Don’t worry, I’ll go ahead and take care of your water,” he reassures you dryly and stands up from the bar’s long legged chair, grabbing his expensive leather jacket. The best purchase he’s ever made in his life, he tends to overshare this fact to anything or anyone with two ears and legs, seeing as how he wears it everyday through wind, rain and the scorching heat.

Your eyes flash in one last lunge of desperation and your integrity flies out the window and disappears into the sky like a balloon. Floating away… peacefully, gone forever till all that’s left is your soulless body embarrassing yourself like this on a Monday at two am.

“Please,” you choke out one last time and sincerity taints your voice, everything you’ve depended on relying on this thin line of his consent. 

There’s something about it that Yoongi finds himself hesitating for as his mind reels from the way your fingers grip the end of his jacket sleeve. 

“I really, truly only need your help for a couple days. I-I’ll even pay you.”

Your eyes dart to the floor from his face with your final push, unable to face rejection one last time from help you so ridiculously need. His body halts, and with this, you take it as a sign for your fingers to relax and stop holding his like some child refusing to let go of their lollipop. 

There’s one thing the weary should know, and it’s that one specific thing hits a chord with Min Yoongi that makes him who he is.

“Shit.”

Hana looks up at you in what seemed like concern and a bit of ‘damn, you live like this?’ tainting her face. You keep going back and forth between looking down at your most recent message on your phone and up to her face, still contorted in confusion unable to face the reality that is your life right now.

You’re not okay, this can’t be happening — everything you had worked up for up until this point, only to be destroyed by your parents’ wrath would be the endgame for your life. You need to lie down and forget this day even happened.

“Are you, okay?” She can’t help but emphasize the ‘okay’ with leaning her head in a tilt.

“Hana,” you squeak out, hands pressed against your eyes till you see stars. It’s late, you’re braincell-less from such last minute studying and you’re absolutely, completely fucked. And not in the nice way you normally would want to be.

“My parents are coming over and want to meet Jungkook.”

Hana lets out a strangled gurgle of terror from the back of her throat as she runs her hands through her dark hair and crawls over to you to peer at your phone screen. Now that she knows you’re fucked, you want to throw your phone out the window and run away. Or just throw yourself out the window. You stand up from your sitting position on the floor and take deep breaths counting to ten and back again.

“Oh my god,” she whispers. “You’re screwed.”

You twist your face and tell her, “Thank you so very much for the vote of confidence! I’ll just have to remember that while trying to explain everything to my parents.”

Hana’s pained smile emits an apologetic vibe as she continues to voice her thoughts. “Damn. Seriously though… what’re you gonna do, I mean. You still have… two days?”

“I don’t even know anymore,” you wail, falling back to the floor and hoping it’ll somehow open up, and take your body into the recesses of the earthy ground. “Is a day or two even enough time for him to come back from that trip?”

“Wait, you mean you would have your parents actually meet him?” Hana looks over at you incredulously. “Like, we’re talking about your boyfriend Jeon Jungkook, right?”

Backtrack – So, okay, yes maybe you had a few flaws. One of them was the fact that you were maybe a little too prideful. As in it’d physically pain you for your parents to know that your boyfriend was a bum who did absolutely nothing.

You had lied to your parents from the very beginning, pulling off the scam with a few explanations here and there saying, “Oh, no he’s too shy. He won’t take pictures!” when your parents wanted to see who this guy was. The occasional “He can’t meet up with us because he’s studying for his very big exam haha you know how these studious nerds are sorry!”

You wince from her tone, speaking as if he’s a demon sent from hell, and start collecting strands of your hair to comb through with worry.

“I mean, if he were here I could play him up as the guy I made him out to be,” you mused. “They don’t even know what he looks like. Probably think he’s afraid of cameras, poor baby.”

Hana looks slightly revolted from your gently verbalized “uwu” and snaps her fingers to garner your attention back onto the matter at hand.

“Wait- I,” you sat back up, all the blood rushing this way and that causing a weird feeling to consume you and you see black for a good three seconds before it dissipates. “Don’t judge me for what I’m about to say.”

“Done,” Hana nods. “I live with you and judge you enough already.”

You look at her unimpressed, lips curled into an unamused smile.

“How about I get a fake boyfriend? Like, right now?”

Hana doesn’t even know where to begin she laughs because she thinks you’re literally joking but then stops when she knows you’re not. “Uh, you do realize it is two am, Y/N. Where are you planning on going to look for an accomplice to role play your perfect boyfriend?”

“Honestly speaking, I’ll probably have to go to a bar or something.” Just saying this out loud was enough to acknowledge that you yourself were not thinking straight.

“You’re just going to walk into a bar and pick up the first dude you lay eyes on is what you’re implying…” Hana trails off, as she begins to re-evaluate the situation. “Are you okay?”

“No,” you sigh, brushing off your jeans as you stand up. “But this is my only option.”

“Well, you could always tell the truth to your mom and dad. You don’t have to be so full of it, Y/N. And listen, you’re 20 going on 21… how much longer are you going to hide this from your parents? You’re literally an adult.”

You frown and start walking out of the room, grabbing a jacket before you head outside and to the car. “I’m not full of it,” you defend your poor self. “I just need my parents to think I’m living my best life with the best boyfriend so they don’t rub in how they were right all this time or whatever overprotective shit they wanna pull on me.”

Hana holds up her hands as an act of surrendering and picks up your phone from the floor to hand it to you. Before it’s passed off however, a pinging sounds and she calls out the notification.

“Your mom texted you to say–“ Hana squints from how dark your phone’s lighting is. “They’re actually planning on starting to drive over tonight and should make it here by tomorrow evening?”

You start to panic, countless thoughts crashing the calm of your mind like stormy waves as you start to assess your problem at hand. You need to find a fake boyfriend, said fake boyfriend must learn what must be learned about you and said fake boyfriend will need to do a good enough job to keep your parents away forever and hopefully this will work because you don’t know what you’ll do the next time your parents come to “check up” on you because they think something’s fishy with this hypothetical fake boyfriend.

You let out what sounds like something between a sob and a groan as you snatch the phone from Hana’s hands and run out of the house, debating between driving to the nearest diner or running away from home.

See, the problem with your parents were that they were overbearing to the point that they even hated the fact you decided to attend college out of state. Mind them, it was only one state away, but it did absolutely nothing to soothe their constant fretting over your wellbeing and life. You were fed up with the relentlessly strict parental control and went crazy in college – finally dating, drinking and partying – although it was still at a good minimum.

To expose to your parents that you were dating an undecided major who spent the money he could scrounge around for on video games was a one-way ticket to hell so in order to save face and keep up the façade that you in fact were living your best life possible, you dreamt up of the littlest, white lie.

Your boyfriend was a perfect boy. One grade above you, one his way to graduating as a summa cum laude. He had an internship and was already guaranteed a job after college as a biomedical engineering major. You painted the perfect picture so you could present yourself in the best way possible to your parents.

The way your hard work was about to be shattered by the way so many coincidences piled on top of each other was a bit frustrating to say the least. You weren’t sure how you kept this a secret for so long and frankly, how your parents didn’t doubt you from the start but now they believed him to be a camera shy, facetime shy boy that only spent his time studying.

You didn’t even want to start on the numerous occasions you and Jungkook had ended a night fighting because of this ridiculous situation, that sure, you put yourselves in. You weren’t sure why you did this, but of course it wasn’t because you were too prideful.

Yoongi never lets money slip out of his hands. Call him frugal, call him thrifty, he doesn’t care. He just knows that if it’s worth the price, he’ll do it.

“Fine. I’ll do this. But I want cash and I want half of the end amount right now,” he knows he’s being demanding and it does look like you reek of eau de poor college student but with the request you’re making, he thinks it’s only fair.

You look teeny tiny and exhausted from the way you crumple your body on the seat next to him and it’s annoying how much work you’re going through because of a simple lie, but you can’t back out now. The way you’ve been explaining the situation to him is really making you sound a little crazy but hey, you’re only human and this isn’t the weirdest situation Yoongi has ever been in.

“How is this even going to work?” Yoongi looks at you as if you haven’t thought this far ahead. “Haven’t they seen his face? Is he even okay with this? Are you running a scam show? If this turns out to be a mess, I want no part of the repercussions.” He squints at you and crosses his arms, eyeing you suspiciously.

“I’m not stupid,” you roll your eyes and scrunch your face from irritation. “They’ve never seen pictures or anything of his face. I’m thankful my boyfriend doesn’t have social media, but I mean, even if he did my parents are technologically inept, anyways.”

“This is so extra, this is like, almost kind of idiotically stupid,” with a snort, Yoongi continues to doubt you. “I can’t believe I agreed to this. You better pay me the remaining amount as soon as this shit’s done. I’ve got things to do.”

“I’m sure you have so much stuff to do concerning your things,” you bite back and have to hold steady the urge to punch his weak looking noodle arm. Just keep thinking about how grateful you are that this sort of handsome spawn of the devil is agreeing to save your ass and livelihood.

He huffs and has the audacity to look offended, loosely crossing his arms across his chest. “Whatever, run this by me again.”

“Okay,” you sigh. You nearly teeter off the edge of the stool from sleepiness, an untouched glass of water in front of you and you watch the droplets trickle down the sides of the condensating cup. “My name is Y/N and yours is Jeon Jungkook. I’m 20 and you’re 21…”

You start to list off factual information and the details get a little blurry as they re-enter his mind because now it’s almost 3:20 in the morning and Yoongi just wanted a fucking milkshake but now it’s like he’s in college all over again, cramming all the notes and tidbits of information he can into his mind to purge it in five hours on the dreadful test. Even though Yoongi’s suffering, he starts noticing these things about you that’s definitely a little confusing to him and gets him a little worked up but in all the right ways.

He pays attention to the way when you laugh you move to cover your mouth with your hand, it’s kind of endearing. Sure, he’ll admit he thought you were pretty behind the air of desperation and super strange vibes you let out when you first marched into the door. Like, perhaps very pretty. He’s not sure but it might be something to do with the shape of your eyes and the pink of your lips. But the tendency you have to tilt your head when you smile is something that Yoongi starts noticing too and–

Yoongi catches himself thinking these thoughts that are so out of bounds and unnecessarily loud. It’s okay, he mentally argues. These are fake boyfriend feelings and it is late. I am exhausted, I don’t know what I am talking about.

And there you have it folks. Yoongi solves this problem of the Case of Weird Emotions with a simple answer. He’s just a really good fucking actor and can get into character so well that he starts thinking the way his character would. That’s all. And now Yoongi is mentally punching himself because he sounds really fucking weird. And fuck, he needs to stop cursing because he needs to be a well polished, dapper, perfect boyfriend.

He shudders and you see it, not because you’ve been looking at him but because he does it in a really obvious way that calls for attention in your peripheral vision.

“Are you alright?” You ask warily, eyeing him because what if he’s having a spasm attack holy shit?

Yoongi grunts with his absurdly deep voice and says, “Yeah, go on.”

“I wish we had more time,” you whine, rubbing your probably bloated face with sweater paws and something tickles Yoongi’s heart from the way you look and speak although he does his best to ignore it.

“It’s okay, I’ll remember this, I’m pretty sure… let’s just try and come up with a code word or something for me. Like, if I don’t know something I’ll say or do something and you’ll cover for me.”

You nod your head and for the first time that night it seems like you really smile and it’s cute, but not cute enough to swindle Min Yoongi’s heart. Of course not.

“Do you know how to crack your fingers?” You ask after a few moments of deep contemplation.

Yoongi suddenly looks small because he’s shoving his hands in between his thighs to cover them from the cold and you almost coo as he nods his head yes.

“Great,” you look away from his figure to calm yourself. “Just do that and then I’ll fill in. That’s the signal.”

“Does this mean we’re done now?” Yoongi’s voice has gotten raspy over the span of time you’ve spent with him because of how he spent most of it just listening to you and barely opened his mouth.

“I dunno,” you nervously gnaw on your lower lip, another habit Yoongi has picked up on fondly. Or not fondly, not at all… at least only fondly with fake boyfriend feelings. “I’m really not sure how this is going to turn out. Thankfully my friend is going to stay at a friend’s house to avoid more possible complications.”

“Alright then, give me a call tomorrow morning and I’ll get over to your place by two in the afternoon.”

You shake your head, “No, come earlier. We need as much time as possible to go over this. Remember? They’re arriving sometime that night.”

Yoongi groans from the revolting sentence he has just been forced to hear and he cries, “But I can’t! You’ve kept me up for this long evil lady, I should’ve been in bed falling asleep hours ago!”

“I’m sorry,” you feebly offer. “But I really need to nail in a lot more with you.”

Yoongi grumbles a wide variety of things under his breath comprised of but not limited to, “You’re lucky you’re cute”, “Fuck, I need a good ten hours of sleep to retain all this information, though” and “Damn it, I want my money”.

“Fine– 11 is the earliest I’ll be there. And are you sure you’re okay with giving me your freaking address? You’re going to let a stranger know where you live and you’re fine with it,” Yoongi lowers his tone towards the last bit in uncertainty.

“I’ll be fine because my roommate is a police force trainee who has armed me with a panic button along with pepper spray. You’ve been warned,” you wiggle your brows. “Plus you’re my fake boyfriend and you want the money. I’ll see you tomorrow at eleven.”

You both get up from your chairs, leaving cash tips and Yoongi’s expression changes into one of respect and newfound admiration.

“Duly noted,” he chuckles as he holds the door open for you to walk through, the brisk, autumnal air enveloping you.

Outside in the parking lot you head towards your car and see only a couple other vehicles, one of them being a motorcycle and you don’t think twice about it till Yoongi is waving goodbye to you as he walks in the direction of it.

“Wait,” you call out and Yoongi immediately halts, turning to face you with an expectant raise of his brow. “That’s your ride?” You point at the motorcycle.

He smirks and shoves his hands into his leather jacket as deep black as the galaxy and his hair swirls around from the wind above his twinkling eyes.

“Isn’t she beautiful?”

You groan, wondering if you have enough money to fork up however much it would cost to rent a car. You’re pretty sure you don’t, but if it’s for this boy, the best you could pick out on a quiet Monday morning at two, the cream of the crop, you’ve really got no other choice.

You just hope this cream of the crop has a license to drive a car.

The next morning you wake up at eight, sitting up in your plush bed as memories of last night flood your mind in horror. Restless sleep tightened your neck through the night, stress eating away at you and your ability to sleep peacefully.

You groan, peeking at your alarm clock and take a deep breath before you whip your hair out of your face and harden your resolve by sheer will. You pull of the covers and step out of your room, trailing for the kitchen in order to brew yourself some deeply needed coffee.

“Coffee first,” you mumble. Priorities.

Hana is sitting in the living room, a mug on the coffee table in front of her. She looks up as soon as she sees you enter from the short hallway.

“Mornin’ sunshine, there’s some coffee left for you,” she chippers cheerfully. “You got up pretty early. You’re meeting the man of the hour soon, right?”

“Meh, don’t remind me,” you grumble, shuffling into the kitchen and from the coffee machine, you see her kick her slippers off and finish the last of her homework. You pour the still hot liquid holy grail into your Totoro mug and start to mix in cream and sugar seeing as how you’re not as abhorrent as Hana with her love of black coffee.

“But damn, you were just a wreck last night,” Hana teases. “I can’t believe you really got someone to do something this crazy for a girl they just met.”

“It was the money,” you point out, sipping the first few tastes of coffee. It needs a bit more sugar. “I’m so fucken exhausted! Listen, I don’t even have that kind of money to pay him.” You can hear your stash of hidden cash for emergencies underneath your drawer already crying for help. This could qualify as an emergency, you doubtfully suppose.

Hana is still recovering from the surprise of hearing your insane plan worked, even if she found out last night. You remember how you entered the house, satisfied with how quote on quote smoothly the ordeal went even if you were about to be $600 short on money and stressfully sleep deprived the next morning. Hana walked out of her room with sleepy eyes and a bit of bedhead to you getting ready for bed so early in the morning, although she gained a bit of consciousness after hearing how your plan had indeed, succeeded.

Now that it’s the morning and your adrenaline rush had bled away and you’re in a clearer state of mind, doubt starts to trickle in and you are wondering what in hell you were thinking in the first place. You shake the thoughts away and focus on the task at hand.

“I’ll be getting out of the house soon,” Hana comments, starting to pack up whatever textbooks and notes she’ll need for the next day or two.

“You’re the amazingest,” you gratefully smile at her and try to convey your upmost sincerity. As best you could, at least.

“Yes,” she agrees mindlessly. “I am, aren’t I? I am so amazing—so amazing that I am literally leaving the apartment that I share with you for you and the stranger to bond and learn how to role play as lovers. It sounds crazy, I know, but here we are.”

Your smile fades away as you look at her in playful disbelief. “Go to your room, pack your granny underwear and your granny clothes, and leave this household!”

Hana scrunches her nose in distaste, “They’re not granny clothes! They’re retro! And thongs or whatever strip of fabric you claim are underwear are so uncomfortable, literally leavemealonegoodnightDevil!”

You laugh as she prances to her room to stuff her duffle bag full of clothes she’ll need in order to survive for the time she’s gone and you glance at the clock to see it read 8:30, and you go off to your room to get ready for the very. Incredibly. Extremely, long day ahead.

It is at ten that you have finished cleaning up your room, taken a quick shower and waved off Hana out of the home you two share. You walk back inside after seeing her depart safely promising to text you when she arrives, even though it’s the daytime and she’s just a good ten feet away, you never know what could happen. Even if she’s almost a police officer. 

Which, speaking of, she has reminded you countlessly about, telling you to pass on the message that she will personally come to fuck him up if anything happens to you. You appease her with saying you will, but you sure as hell don’t plan on doing so. 

Closing the door, you sigh deeply and it leaves you a little lightheaded as you lean your back against the door.

“Oh, shit.”

It hits you then that this is really happening. Like, your idiotic plan your brain thought up of that you thought was foolproof was really happening. There were so many holes that could expose you in a second and the thought of you being ousted in front of your parents tugged at your pride riddled mind.

The anxiety twitches your fingers as you pull up your phone and it leaves you staring at his message from last night.

yoongi: see u at 10:30

You forget he suddenly promised an earlier time at the last minute and you reckon you’ve got yourself about twenty or so minutes for him to show up at your door. It’s enough time for you to beat your face with makeup and put on some presentable clothes.

At 10:30 sharp he arrives at the door and it catches you by surprise because he doesn’t seem to be an advocate for timeliness. You tug down at your cropped sweater one last time before you open the door to see Yoongi in all his slightly bloated, freshly showered glory.

He looks a bit nervous, seeing as how he kept worrying over this very situation he should never have gotten himself into over the night not to mention what if you sent him the wrong address. Yoongi’s eyes flit from your face to the room behind you but he manages to keep his jittery 

“Hey,” you sigh in relief. “Thank goodness you’re here. And thanks for coming so early.”

Yoongi loses a bit of the nervousness in his system and seems a bit more relaxed than he was when you first met him, probably because he’s gotten a better grip of his surroundings than last night, when he was completely hit with a curveball. In the face. At 500 miles per hour. In the form of you. HIs face loses the tension in the muscles and his lips take on a nonchalant smile. You also notice he’s wearing the same leather jacket as last night and you wonder if he has anything else available to wear.

“No worries,” he says in that gruff voice of his but he clears his throat quickly and yeah, you notice he’s still pretty high strung. This whole tribulation is probably a first for him too.

“Come on in,” you gesture inside, and make space for him to make through. Not that he needed much anyways being the tiny man he is.

“Alright,” he mutters, stepping into the apartment and slipping off his shoes. He doesn’t really pay attention to the apartment anymore but rather your outfit. You wearing sweatpants that still hug your legs and figure looks really good with the bit of skin exposed under the hem of your cropped Adidas sweater and Oh my God shut up, he scolds his train of thought.

It’s just that psychology of attraction at first sight, or whatever. Sure, it’s not his first time meeting you, sure, but you two have only recently met. Yoongi is certain he is a man of strong will. He would never let himself start feelings these things for someone who is already in a relationship.

He tears his gaze away from you before you can notice his burning stare and starts to run his eyes over the layout.

“Well,” you laugh strangely, trying to cover your skittishness. “This is where I live. I guess we can run over what we talked about last night over there on the couch.”

You point at the black sofa and Yoongi nods, walking over to sit down stiffly.

“Did you want something to drink?” You ask, noticing the way he stays pretty quiet. This won’t do. Your fake boyfriend is a great conversationalist.

“No, I’m fine, let’s just go over what we have to. I don’t wanna mess up…” Yoongi trails off and a hint of concern tinges his voice as you smile.

“Sounds good,” you agree.

“Okay, first things first,” you start reciting the basics as you are sat next to him. Yoongi does a really good job of staying on task at first, he swears. He’s listening intently but all of a sudden he’s thinking about how sweet and pretty your voice is and next thing he knows he’s thinking about how hard it is to just even meet your gaze, because your eyes are just such a wonderful outlet of all your emotions it’s really hard to meet them and not just go on and dive into the pool that is you and then—

“We might have to gel your hair back,” you muse softly and Yoongi is shaken out of his schoolboy crush-like trance.

“Fuck no. No,” Yoongi is firm with his decision, holding his hand out to emphasize his stance. “The forehead stays covered.”

You can’t help but let out a laugh as you cover your mouth with your hand and say, “Fine.”

Yoongi notices once again how you have a habit of doing that when laughing and he hates how it’s pretty adorable. 

“How did you get here, anyways?” You ask suddenly. “Not with your bike, I hope…?”

Yoongi grins at you and you notice that he’s one of those gummy grinners and it does a little something to you but you avoid it at all costs and swallow it down.

“I Ubered here,” he said simply. “I figured I could say my car’s in the shop if your parents ask.”

You widen your eyes and nod in approval. “Brilliant! That’s really good Yoongi, thank God I don’t have to pay for a rent a car.”

“Speaking of payment,” Yoongi is reminded of your debt to him at the passing mention of money but is glowing from your praise. “Need I say more? Don’t worry about the Uber fee, I won’t be holding those against you, call it service.”

“How kind of you,” you grimace, hearing the cries of your emergency money once more, as you tell him to stay put. “I’ll be right back with half of it.”

When you count out 300 and carefully tuck the rest away, you turn around to walk out only to see Yoongi peering in your door, arms crossed and looking quite interested.

You jump at the sudden intrusion-like non-intrusion and scowl, asking, “What are you doing here? You scared me shitless and you’re very lucky I didn’t shriek.”

He shrugged, tousling his dark hair from his eyes and replied, “If I’m gonna be your fake boyfriend, I should know what your room looks like. As your fake boyfriend, of course.”

You groan and tell him, “Get a good, quick look around, because here’s your money and now we’re leaving.” You slap the wad of cash onto his unsuspecting palm and push his shoulders out the door.

“I know you kind of know me because of all the information I might’ve been burning into your mind the past 24 hours about yours truly, but I barely know a thing about you and we’re really acquaintences at best, still.”

Yoongi lets you lead him out of the hall into the living room and with a quick look at your lockscreen, you see that it’s still only 11:14. He stuffs the money in the back pocket of his jeans, which fit him quite nicely around the thigh area, if you may say so yourself. 

“Fine,” he mutters and you barely catch it with your already dull hearing.

“What’s fine?” You ask, sitting down on the sofa as he takes a seat as well.

“I said, fine. What do you wanna know about me?” He asks, finding interest in the boring coffee table.

“Uh,” you trail off, unprepared for this kind of a question. “Wait, do I want to know more about you? I should be thinking of you as my boyfriend Jungkook, putting history and information behind you would make it too easy for me to differentiate…”

Yoongi rolls his eyes with a condescending sigh that you somehow know isn’t very genuine. “Just ask three things about me, so we’re not complete strangers,” he offers a compromising deal.

You let it sit with you for a second. If you made a slip up would you be able to recover? It was already hard enough, calling him Yoongi—already so hard enough that it was weird to remind yourself you’d have to be calling him Jungkook in a few hours. Eh, screw it.

“Where do you work?” You ask your first question tentatively.

“I work as a part time server for now,” he replies as if it’s something of a bother. “At the barbecue place downtown.” You have a brief idea of where it is, having passed by it a few times while you were in the vicinity.

“Alright,” you huffed. “What’s your other part time?”

Yoongi looks a bit confused at first with the way you worded it, but he catches on quickly seeing as how he’s got a fast train of thought.

“Oh, yeah. You remember my bike? I wanna go into autotech service. Or something like that, like engineering,” he vocalizes his thoughts and grows a bit red.

“That’s really awesome,” you smile at him and he grows comforted by the idea of you approving his passion. Although he shouldn’t be so—

“Do you have a girlfriend?” This question takes you back by surprise too, and you swear it was a slip of your tongue.

“I—“ Yoongi wasn’t ready, didn’t even think you were one bit interested in his love life but he answers directly. “No.”

For some reason you like hearing that answer, something like satisfaction burns at your tongue and heart and you don’t understand why when you have a perfectly cute boyfriend named Jeon Jungkook (the real one) you can call yours.

“Sorry, I didn’t know where that came from,” you giggle nervously.

Yoongi brushes it off and breathes evenly. He’s not sure why he’s worked up uncomfortably like this and he wants to skip to the part where this is all over and he goes back to moping around, living out his normal, daily routine.

We are acquaintances, he keeps reminding himself.

You two end up talking about yourselves a bit more, because pictures of your dog reminds him of his dog and from there the conversation flows a little too perfectly because now you’re intrigued by the mystery that is Min Yoongi and you want to know more and everything about him. This goes on for the next six hours and it’s filled with so much talking and laughing and you’ve even cooked up lunch because oh my goodness you found ingredients to make pancakes.

Then dawn rolls around as if it’s only been a mere thirty minutes and to be honest, it feels likes you know Min Yoongi more than your own boyfriend Jeon Jungkook.

You shake that last thought off, startled from the way you so abruptly stated that. Internally, of course. 

Yoongi’s barely opened his mouth to ask you another question when-

The doorbell rings and it echoes throughout the inside of your home and holy shit it feels so intimidating and loud and Yoongi just isn’t ready, but can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now if he’s this scared of what’s to come. 

You glance at him almost as if you’re seeking refuge in someone’s comfort so he grits his teeth a bit because between the two of you, he realizes he’s got to stay the rock.

Yoongi narrows his eyes until they resemble somewhat to a feline’s. He’s the rock.

And not just in the Dwayne Johnson sort of way.

oooooookay oh my goodness this is unedited but i wanted it off my shoulders before i got to work so here this is please enjoy but send me feedback or anything you'd like through my inbox thanks!!!

[samthewrestlingfan]

BELIEVER: Part 4

LOVEBUGS! <3

Thank you for being so patient with me about getting this update out!

Please enjoy Part 4 of BELIEVER! 

...issa good one ;)

(18+ only!)

Characters: Finn Balor/OC

Warnings: Angst, Smut, Occult, Aggression.

Taglist: @wrestlingbabe, @alexahood21, @caramara3, @camm-wow, @isawthesights, @blondekel77, @panda-girl1999, @wweburnitdown, @nickysmum1909, @thirstiswet, @meremaidqueen, @thedeboniardevistation, @soulofaravenheartofawolf

"Finn. what are you gonna do?" I followed his quick pace down the hallway to Hunter's office.

He ignored me. "Finn, please talk to me." I begged.

"Finn!" I shouted. He stopped and turned around, revealing eyes as black as the ocean.

He brought his face close to mine and seethed, "I'm doing what needs to be done."

Keeping it short, Finn barged into Hunter's office. "You better have a good--"

"Shut up." Finn growled.

I stood in silence and in fear, not of Finn, but of what could happen if he continued to speak to HHH like this.

"This was delivered to Ella's room last night." He threw the box containing the heart onto the desk.

Hunter covered his nose at the odor. "Who sent this to you?"

"Well it wasn't fuckin' Santy Claus, that's for sure." Finn snarked.

I stepped forward to place my body between them, "Hunter, Wyatt has come completely undone. He's stalking my every move. I don't know what else we can do."

Finn spoke without looking at me, "You could let me kill da bastard for starters."

I instinctively backhanded his arm, "You're not committing homicide on my behalf just so you can get yourself locked up... or worse."

As much as I would love my Wyatt problem to be eliminated, I couldn't risk something happening to Finn because of me,

Finn rolled his neck muscles around and took deep breaths to calm himself. As his breathing steadied, I felt Balor trying to make his way to the surface.

"Enough! At this point, I don't care how he's dealt with..." Hunter spoke, "Just make sure you do it quietly."

A dark smile spread across Finn's face as Hunter continued to speak. "I'll handle your absences from TV, don't worry." HHH looking into Finn's eyes, "I expect this to be handled, Balor."

A sinister chuckle escaped Finn's lips as he smiled ear to ear, "Done."

Finn gripped my hand, ushering me toward the door, when I felt someone else coming. "Wait..."

I heard the click-clack of heels approach the door. In a moment, Stephanie blocked our only exit. "Not so fast, you two."

Stephanie moved to Hunter and took his side. "Wyatt is a much larger problem than we originally anticipated."

Steph pulled a piece of parchment out of her back pocket and unfolded it, placing it on the desk for all of us to see.

My eyes read moved over the paper, growing wider as I realized what I was reading.

"Soul Apperation?" I questioned. She nodded, exchanging a worried look with HHH.

"Ella, he called you Abigail all those weeks ago because to him...you are Abigail." She pointed at a particular paragraph;

The soul that is to be restored needs a vessel. One whom is gifted, and powerful. The vessel must not belong to another, for if the soul residing inside should fight...you will lose. Once the ritual has begun, it must be completed. If it is not, the soul to be restored will be lost  forever, cursed to wander the depths of hell for eternity.

I looked up to her, "Am...Am I the vessel?" I asked, voice shaking. Stephanie nodded, placing a hand on my hand, "He wants to put what is left of Abigail's soul inside you. This way, she would have your power, your body...she could manifest again."

I looked to Finn, "What do we do?" I asked hoplessly.

Finn put a hand on mine, "I'm going to do whatever I need to do to keep you safe, Ella." He put his hand behind my neck, pulling me into him and placing a long kiss on my forehead.

and in that moment...I believed him.

I felt it. I felt the desire to keep me safe surging beneath his skin. I felt the pain, and the anger he felt when he thought I might be in danger. I felt his love, his genuine love for me.

---

I stood under the stream of scolding water trying to rinse away the past few days. I had actually finished showering  15 minutes ago, and just couldn't seem to leave the sanctuary of my steamy hotel bathroom.

Your mood has lightened significantly, wouldn't you say?

I scoffed at the voice inside me, "Considering I have a homicidal warlock after me? I'd say I'm feeling pretty calm."

The voice laughed, You still don't understand, do you my dear?

I turned the knob to shut the water off. "I guess not, why don't you enlighten me? And for the love of God please, no more riddles."

I heard a sigh, The Queen has been reunited with her King.

My body froze as I wrapped the towel around myself. "Wha-what is that suppose to mean?"

Ella, he has been waiting for you. For centuries Balor has searched for you. In every decade, in every one of his lives. He has searched for his Queen. You are his Queen, Ella.

I stumbled back, bracing myself on the edge of the counter. "i-I don't...I-I can't be--I'm not a Queen."

You are not a Queen, Ella. You are his Queen. A demon King needs his better half--his equal. In every past life you have ever had, you have been his, but for centuries he could not find you. Until now.

"I am no demon!" I shouted, quickly shielding my mouth so Finn wouldn't hear.

I never said you were. You are now what you have always been, and yet you are more than ever before.

My head was spinning, and it probably didn't help that it was about 1000 degrees in my bathroom.

I quickly opened the door, slamming it shut behind me, and leaning against it.

"You okay? Thought you drowned in there, Love." Finn chuckled as he packed his duffel bag.

"What? Oh I'm fine, I was just relaxing. Needed some air." I quickly and breathlessly spoke.

Finn zipped his bag up and walked to me. His eyes searched mine for a moment, before he placed his hands on either side of my face.

"Ya don't look that relaxed, Babe. What's wrong?"

With his touch on mine, I saw the jolts of electricity bouncing between our skin. "Huh," I thought to myself, "That's new."

I was suddenly very aware I was in nothing but a towel. "Uhh, nothing. I'm okay. Finn. I promise." I lifted my hand to stroke his cheek, and beard.

Finn turned my palm towards him and kissed it gently. "You're so beautiful, Ella." He whispered while his hand thumbed my cheek.

In that moment, it was as if time stood still. I felt a chill rip through my chest and felt my eyes shift to the bright emerald they usually are.

Finn dropped his hands to my waist and placed his forehead against mine. "An ceann a bhfuil mo anam."

A small smile filled my face, "What's that mean?"

Finn returned the smile, "That you have my soul. For as long as you'd like it, it's yours."

My eyes found his, and before I knew it, his lips found mine. "Ella..." He breathed.

"Shh, I know. I know." I let the towel fall to the floor as Finn lifted me into his arms.

He brought me to the edge of the bed, laying me down on it. Finn lifted his shirt off and threw it behind him, then returned his attention to me.

"You're perfect, Love. Every inch of you." He ran both hands up either thigh, causing goosebumps to cover my skin. "Let me take care of you, Ella." Finn gruffed in a tone so sexy, I thought for sure I'd come right then.

I nodded, shaking at his touch. He kissed my lips, moving to my jaw, down my neck, dipping to my breast taking my nipple in his mouth and nibbling it gently.

Finn placed hot, wet kisses down my stomach, and right above my pussy. His tongue darted out over and over against my clit, and I can't lie, the boys got skill.

"Finn...oh my God." I moaned his name into the dimly lit hotel room, feeling him smile against me. He worked my clit and brought me right to the edge, then stopped, winking at me as he retreated.

He moved so he was stood in front of me, "I've been wantin' this for so long, Love." Finn spread my legs with his knee, and looked at me with hungry eyes. I nodded, giving him consent, and he pushed forward into me.

"Fuck's sake, Els." Finn chuckled causing me to blush. Finn held my hips down and drove his cock into me. "Ella you're so tight, Love." Finn leaned down placing his chest on mine as he fucked me. He moaned in my ear before flipping me over.

"Finn, fuck..." I groaned as he his my spot over and over again. He snaked an arm in front of me as he pounded me from behind and rubbed my clit fiercely.

"Finn, Oh my God, I'm gonna come!" I shouted into the pillow. He brought his mouth against my ear, and spoke. "Come for me, Love."

On his command, I felt my lower abdomen explode, and elation take over my whole body. God damn, Finn was fucking amazing. Literally.

"Oh fuck, Babe." I felt Finn tense up, and explode inside of me. He kissed down my spine as he slid out of me, collapsing on the bed.

As our breathing steadied, he pulled me into his arms. "That was amazing." I breathed.

Finn laughed, "Waaaay more than I ever could have imagined. And believe me Ella, I have imagined that about a thousand times."

I slapped his chest and stood to my feet. I found a PC grey shirt and threw it on. I noticed Finn staring at me from the bed, "What?" I asked with a smile.

He shook his head. "You're so fuckin' perfect. That's what."

---

"I'll be right there, I'm just gonna check out." I said to Finn as I waited in line in the lobby to check out.

"You're sure?" He asked.

I nodded, "Go on Hercules, load up the rental. We've got a lot of driving to do."

He laughed hesitantly, unsure of leaving me alone was a smart move. "5 minutes. Promise."

Begrudgingly, Finn left with the bags, and before I knew it I was up. "Checking out of 128 please."

I tapped my fingers at the receptionist as she typed on her computer.

"You're going to get him killed, ya know."

I turned around quickly to see Alexa. I scoffed in her direction, "Why do you always show up when I'm in a good mood? Do you sense the joy and just have to ruin it?"

She laughed sarcastically, "Listen I'm just trying to make sure your booty call doesnt get murdered because of you."

I felt my blood boiling in my veins. "Alexa I warned you. Stay out of my business or else."

She put her hands up in defense. "Look Ella, we both know Finn is smitten as a kitten for you. That's great and all, but don't you worry about how vulnerable that makes him?"

I recoiled slightly, "Enough."

Of course, she continued. "You Ella. You are what makes him weak. He'd do anything to keep you safe, with complete disregard for his own life or anyone else's."

My whole body relaxed at her words. "Do you really want Finn's blood on your hands if--when something happens to him?"

"Ma'am? You're all set." The receptionist inturrupted my daze.

"Thank you." I said, quickly grabbing my credit card and ID. I left Alexa standing there, smug look and all. Was she right? If something happens to Finn because of me, I could never forgive myself.

I walked to the car, hopping in the passengers side. "Ready, Beautiful?" Finn asked with a smile.

I forced as normal a smile as I could, "Yup, let's get going, Handsome."

Finn pulled out of the parking lot, placing a hand on my thigh as he drove. I placed mine on top of his and squeezed it.

I don't know what's going to happen when we see Bray, but Finn isn't going to lose because of me.

I'll bet my life on it.

Translation:

An ceann a bhfuil mo anam: The one to have my soul.

[palace-of-freedom]

I'm drained.

I want everyone to leave me alone, but i want them to care and ask me how i am. I want people around, but I also want to cry and i cant cry around people- i hate doing it. I just want to cry and cry and cry.

The one thing that was keeping me going was just get through life till april. that was it. Then it became May. Now I'm waiting till July for my friends to come back. and then within 2 months, they all leave. And this year is gonna be much much much harder to get through and I dont know if I'm strong enough to handle it. I dont think I am, but its not like I have much of a choice. Anyway now I'm just telling myself to make it through till september 2020. But that's waaaay too far away. I dont have that kind of strength or patience.

i dont want to be here. I dont want to be anywhere. I dont want to be abandoned. I dont want to have to deal with people leaving. I just want to be happy, but the only happiness I can get is induced happiness. Happiness from alcohol or sugar, excercise or music. I literally cannot cope right now. I can't feel anything but all consuming sadness. I want to scratch my skin off. I want to bite my lips off. I want to rip my head off. The latter will at least solve some of my problems. I want to *poof* into thin air and thats it...be done with everything.

Too much is changing and I cant deal with it. I dont know where even to begin. I think a good starting point is when i had to break up with my boyfriend of two years. That shattered me. Going through the breakup and hearing the words he said to me - it ruined me. It broke my confidence. It took away all my self worth. I saw myself as a selfish, worthless, useless bitch. I tried to be nice to everyone to compensate for that side of me - the bad side. I tried to be there for everyone. I wanted to be the nice, sweet person I used to be, but it was difficult to even muster up a smile. It was tough to be as observant as I was. I became lost in the negative thoughts so I tried looking for only positivity in the world. Through most of my 13th grade, the only feeling I remember having is being drained. My only clear memories are crying in school washrooms. The good memories are still there, but they're vague. I remember sitting outside school with some of my best friends and just talking for half an hour at least, every single day. I remember going for movies. I remember going to the park. I remember walking around the school and drinking lemonade with my best friend during break. But for the life of me, I can't remember what conversations we used to have (good ones). I can tell you all the bad though. I can tell you about everyone's drama. I can tell you about the fights I had with my best friend. I can tell you about every single bad grade I got. I can tell you about my very stupid crush on a guy who wasnt good for me and all the consequences it had on my mental health.

Actually lets delve into this crush. So i liked this guy for six months on and off, just a few months after my break up and that left me feeling like I had no worth or value. And over that, my ex used to keep messaging every few days telling me how selfish i was, how i fucked up his life, how everything was my fault, how i was too sensitive and how the two years he spent with me were just completely worthless to him. This new guy, was the complete opposite. Where all others invalidated me or told me I wasnt capable of anything, he told me I had skill and talent. That I would make it in a career I was doubtful of choosing. He made me feel better about myself. He was very positive and optimistic and being around that gave me that happiness I lost after my break up. He was easy to talk to. He genuinely listened to me. He opened up to me quite a lot. It made me feel validated. Accepted. Cared about. Something that was lacking from most others. So we began talking a lot. Whatsapp conversations, Skype calls, phone conversations..it was endless and it was addictive. It felt good. It felt like a high. The sad thing about highs is that the higher you go, the lower you fall. There's no helping it. I crashed flat on the earth once that high faded away, and there wasnt even a relationship. it was more of a teenage, childish crush that everyone, but me, could see end in disaster. In fact I think I was called a stupid idiot at least a 1000 times for even thinking about the guy that way. What went wrong was he couldn't see me that way, and he had a crush on two other girls during that same time. And on the night of my birthray, he sent me these really long paragraphs about how he was sorry that he couldn't feel anything for me, but that me liking him gave him a big confidence boost.

That summer i moved on from him, but it cracked another piece of me. I redeveloped feelings for my ex, who i hadnt seen in a year, apart from stalking him, and i chased happiness by stalking him on instagram. It gave me satisfaction to see he was happy, but it also made me jealous. The problem was all of this stalking was done through my best friend's account and he wasnt happy. He yelled at me for stalking and said some other stuff that I dont remember, and then went on to ignore me for 3 days because of that. A month later another very good friend decided she had it with me and walked out of my life as well. she believed I was too biased and that we couldnt be friends anymore because I fucked up. Again. I dont regret it...but i dislike losing people, but somehow its just become a thing. Everyone leaves. I fuck up. All people fuck up, but I think my fuck ups are bigger than most. The consequences are more drastic.

despite losing so many people that summer and the amount of arguments I had to go through, it was still the best summer of my life, because the friends that did stick around made it worthwhile. They made life fun. I felt happy. Thats when i realized that I dont need any of the people who walked out to keep me happy. I needed the ones who stuck around. The new friends. The people i vibed with better. People who actually listened to what I had to say and valued my thought process. We had fun and I was growing up, driving, cooking and it felt nice.

But then I had to go to India, and it was a major setback. All the growth was down the drain. More arguments came behind me. More fights. More detachment from people I cared about. and some death. I fell into a bad slump. It lasted throughout my first year of university and got better only when my friends came back from abroad and the fun hangouts started again.

I spent the entire first year of university only arguing with my closest friends from school. There were lots of tears, lots of emotions...and a conditioned thought - everybody leaves. My best friend of 15 years couldn't stay in my life so why should anyone else? It comes down to me - I'm that bad a human being. I'm that intelorable. My value in another person's life is that little.

My fear of abandonment has always been bad. But now its almost unmanageable because its mixed with a lot of insecurity. so now I want to push people away. I want to hurt them. I want to distance from everyone. And if I feel like a shitty human being on the inside, I may as well act like one on the outside. At least it'll hurt less when everyone walks away, because people have time limits and expiry dates. But at the same time, I dont want to hurt anyone. so now im just worming to kill all my expectations, stop asking or demanding anything from anyone - then at least the pain of it all decreases. maybe then at least, receiving bad news from a friend, or having a friend annoyed at me, or finding out people are going abroad, wont feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. it'll just feel like a punch. And you can live through punches. It hurts for a few minutes and then its all ok. you heal. You find an escape, and right now, im plotting mine.

[samanthasroberts]

I Hid My Antidepressants From My Lover Because I Felt Ashamed

It was early February 2012, but it felt like mid-f*cking-July. I wasa displaced New Yorker in Florida, where the air felt suffocatingly thick and densely humid.

I had just moved to Florida from London for a job. It was supposed to be a temporary, fleeting move, but I had fallen in love (love always ruins your plans, doesn’t it?) with a bartender named Luna.*

The moment I laid eyes on Luna, I was addicted to our intense chemistry.Luna just had that energy,that palpable fun-loving charismathat made everyone around her feel good.Especially me.

So she was the reason I found myself NOT in the wonderfully chic city of London, but at a bro beach tiki bar in the middle of winter.

Imagine a spindly 25-year-old Wednesday Addams (black braids and all) hanging out in a bikini on a powdery talcum beach amidst a crew of deeply tanned, ankle-tattooed girls with frosted highlights in their shiny waist-length hair and warm beers nestled between their olive-skinned fingers.I was sorely out of context.

I really clashed with an impossibly LOUD entity named Phoebe.*

She was the kind of girl who spoke louder than everyone else and was, more often thannot, in the thick of a total and complete whiskey blackout. She constantly interrupted you and blew cigarette smoke in your face. She sucked the air out of a room.

It’s rare I ever say this, but Phoebe was just too much. And my best friends are drag queens and wild, sexually deviant eccentrics, so that’s saying a lot.

In her usual drunken haphazard state, Phoebe pulled a bottle of antidepressants out of her canvas backpack and slurred “F*ckkkkk theeeeeese pills. I don’t even TAKE THEM!” at the top of her lungs for no necessary reason.

“Oh girl, don’t be ashamed. I take Lexapro,” I blurted out, totally forgetting that I hadn’t yet told my new girlfriend that I took antidepressants.

I almost got away unscathed. It was easy to go unnoticed around Phoebe. But unfortunately for me, Luna’s best friend Maria* had overheard me.

“WHAT, ZARA, YOU TAKE LEXAPRO? LUNA, ZARA TAKES ANTIDEPRESSANTS!” Maria shouted, breathing beer into my face.

I went into immediate fight-or-flight, electric shock mode: “NO, I was totally kidding!” I lied, straight through my newly whitened teeth.

“Thank God!” Luna sighed. “I hate antidepressants. They turn you into a f*cking zombie. I don’t want to date a zombie.”

Then, everyone beganfiring out anti-antidepressant rants at the speed of rapid fire.

“Yeah, this country is waaaay over medicated!”

“Yeah f*ck antidepressants, they’re the worst.”

“Oh yeah I could never date someone who chose taking pills over confronting the pain…”

And I stood there, feeling self-consciously pale, clutching my hot pink Rebecca Minkoff purse laughing along, nodding my head in vehement solidarity and stone-cold agreement with Luna and her friends about how “antidepressants are BAD and ruining America.”

Meanwhile, resting in the small zipper part of my little pink purse were20 mgs of the little blue pill I had been taking for the last seven months, that I’m pretty sure had saved my life.

But I got it. See, I had been one of those peoplein the past, who scoffed at the prospect of medication, thinking all I had to do was strap on my black combat boots and put on a brave face and get the f*ck over it. I’m British; we like to suffer. We are the very face of the “stiff upper lip” movement.

However, I had recently been hit with a bout of depression so black I couldn’t see my way out of the pain. It was the kind of depression that’s so severe, simple acts like brushing your teeth or combing your hair feel taxing.

I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. And to be perfectly honest, I didn’t want to be alive. Things got so dark in my head that I no longer felt like I was in a safe place.

Finally, a family friend got worried about me and took me to her doctor.I got prescribed a low dosage of Lexapro, and after about two weeks, I could finally muster up the energy to get out of bed.

Lexapro wasn’t a miracle drug that fixed all of myproblems, but it gave me the strength to start going to therapy and confrontthe slew of painful memories I had spent the past decade suppressing.

In that time in my life, I needed the help of medication. It was life or death.

But in that moment with Luna, I felt ashamed. I felt like a f*cked up loser who wasn’t strong enough to deal with life. And when I feel ashamed, I start to lie. Humiliation and embarrassment have the ability to silence me like nothing else.

For the next several months,I hid my pills from Luna. I kept them in a delicate daisy-decorated sponge makeup bag, the kind of contraption that respectable nice girls would probably use to store their tampons. (I’ve always been the girl who recklessly tosses her tampons into her bag.)

I so badly wanted to fit the image of what Luna wanted, and needing medication wasn’t part of that image. Luna wanted fun-loving Zara. Fashion-crazed Zara. Unafraid-to-tell-anyone-off Zara.

Who wants to be with the Zara who suffers from depression and anxiety so severely that sometimes she’s scared of her own thoughts?No one wants to be with that Zara. And all I wanted was to be the girl that Luna wanted to be with..

Finally, it all came crashing down. I grew sick and tired of keeping a huge part of my life hidden from Luna. I loved her and craved her support. I wanted to tell her what I had been through and what I was going through.

So one day, it spilled out of me. I told her everything. The shame. The trauma. Why I had lied to her for the better part of a year.

“Luna, I can’t hide this anymore, but I’ve been battling depression and taking antidepressants. I know you’re super against antidepressants, but I need your support. I’ve been lying to you and hiding my medication from you.”

We were in the car on our way to the airport. We were taking our first couple’s vacation to Brazil (excellent timing for a heavy conversation, I know. My bad.). I gazed out the window and stared at the palm trees lining the streets. I braced myself for a judgmental lecture or massive argument because I had, after all, committed the worst relationship sin of all (especially for lesbians), Ilied.

Much to my surprise, my confession didn’t end in a screaming match. She felt instantly terrible thatthedrunken comments from her friends almost a year ago had made me feel soinsecure. She didn’t judge me like I had feared. In fact, my confession made her love me more.

And it taught me one of the most life-changing lessons I’ve learned in my adult life: People don’t really fall in love with the perfectly curated version of you. They might admire the filtered, air-brushed version of you. But it’s not love.

I’m areal person, not just an idea of a person.

People are only going to fall in true love with thewhole you. The you whohas nightmares, and awkward birthmarks, and a loaded past, and strange phobias. I’ve found the things I’ve been the most ashamed of are the very things my partners have fallen in love with me for.

So sweet kittens, don’t be shamed into silence. Don’t water your eccentricities down because you’re afraid of being “too much.”

And if peopletry to shame you for needing to take medication, or your weird family, or the funky scar on your body, f*ck them. Who needs false love when you could have real love?

Find the person who loves all of you, blue pills and all.

*Name has been changed

More like this:

F*ck the Stigma: I’m Sick of Being Ashamed for Being on Antidepressants

How to Tell If Someone Loves You Or Just The Idea Of You

A Ridiculous Dose of Antidepressants Made Me Emotionally Numb

Source: http://allofbeer.com/i-hid-my-antidepressants-from-my-lover-because-i-felt-ashamed/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/03/23/i-hid-my-antidepressants-from-my-lover-because-i-felt-ashamed/

[allofbeercom]

I Hid My Antidepressants From My Lover Because I Felt Ashamed

It was early February 2012, but it felt like mid-f*cking-July. I wasa displaced New Yorker in Florida, where the air felt suffocatingly thick and densely humid.

I had just moved to Florida from London for a job. It was supposed to be a temporary, fleeting move, but I had fallen in love (love always ruins your plans, doesn’t it?) with a bartender named Luna.*

The moment I laid eyes on Luna, I was addicted to our intense chemistry.Luna just had that energy,that palpable fun-loving charismathat made everyone around her feel good.Especially me.

So she was the reason I found myself NOT in the wonderfully chic city of London, but at a bro beach tiki bar in the middle of winter.

Imagine a spindly 25-year-old Wednesday Addams (black braids and all) hanging out in a bikini on a powdery talcum beach amidst a crew of deeply tanned, ankle-tattooed girls with frosted highlights in their shiny waist-length hair and warm beers nestled between their olive-skinned fingers.I was sorely out of context.

I really clashed with an impossibly LOUD entity named Phoebe.*

She was the kind of girl who spoke louder than everyone else and was, more often thannot, in the thick of a total and complete whiskey blackout. She constantly interrupted you and blew cigarette smoke in your face. She sucked the air out of a room.

It’s rare I ever say this, but Phoebe was just too much. And my best friends are drag queens and wild, sexually deviant eccentrics, so that’s saying a lot.

In her usual drunken haphazard state, Phoebe pulled a bottle of antidepressants out of her canvas backpack and slurred “F*ckkkkk theeeeeese pills. I don’t even TAKE THEM!” at the top of her lungs for no necessary reason.

“Oh girl, don’t be ashamed. I take Lexapro,” I blurted out, totally forgetting that I hadn’t yet told my new girlfriend that I took antidepressants.

I almost got away unscathed. It was easy to go unnoticed around Phoebe. But unfortunately for me, Luna’s best friend Maria* had overheard me.

“WHAT, ZARA, YOU TAKE LEXAPRO? LUNA, ZARA TAKES ANTIDEPRESSANTS!” Maria shouted, breathing beer into my face.

I went into immediate fight-or-flight, electric shock mode: “NO, I was totally kidding!” I lied, straight through my newly whitened teeth.

“Thank God!” Luna sighed. “I hate antidepressants. They turn you into a f*cking zombie. I don’t want to date a zombie.”

Then, everyone beganfiring out anti-antidepressant rants at the speed of rapid fire.

“Yeah, this country is waaaay over medicated!”

“Yeah f*ck antidepressants, they’re the worst.”

“Oh yeah I could never date someone who chose taking pills over confronting the pain…”

And I stood there, feeling self-consciously pale, clutching my hot pink Rebecca Minkoff purse laughing along, nodding my head in vehement solidarity and stone-cold agreement with Luna and her friends about how “antidepressants are BAD and ruining America.”

Meanwhile, resting in the small zipper part of my little pink purse were20 mgs of the little blue pill I had been taking for the last seven months, that I’m pretty sure had saved my life.

But I got it. See, I had been one of those peoplein the past, who scoffed at the prospect of medication, thinking all I had to do was strap on my black combat boots and put on a brave face and get the f*ck over it. I’m British; we like to suffer. We are the very face of the “stiff upper lip” movement.

However, I had recently been hit with a bout of depression so black I couldn’t see my way out of the pain. It was the kind of depression that’s so severe, simple acts like brushing your teeth or combing your hair feel taxing.

I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. And to be perfectly honest, I didn’t want to be alive. Things got so dark in my head that I no longer felt like I was in a safe place.

Finally, a family friend got worried about me and took me to her doctor.I got prescribed a low dosage of Lexapro, and after about two weeks, I could finally muster up the energy to get out of bed.

Lexapro wasn’t a miracle drug that fixed all of myproblems, but it gave me the strength to start going to therapy and confrontthe slew of painful memories I had spent the past decade suppressing.

In that time in my life, I needed the help of medication. It was life or death.

But in that moment with Luna, I felt ashamed. I felt like a f*cked up loser who wasn’t strong enough to deal with life. And when I feel ashamed, I start to lie. Humiliation and embarrassment have the ability to silence me like nothing else.

For the next several months,I hid my pills from Luna. I kept them in a delicate daisy-decorated sponge makeup bag, the kind of contraption that respectable nice girls would probably use to store their tampons. (I’ve always been the girl who recklessly tosses her tampons into her bag.)

I so badly wanted to fit the image of what Luna wanted, and needing medication wasn’t part of that image. Luna wanted fun-loving Zara. Fashion-crazed Zara. Unafraid-to-tell-anyone-off Zara.

Who wants to be with the Zara who suffers from depression and anxiety so severely that sometimes she’s scared of her own thoughts?No one wants to be with that Zara. And all I wanted was to be the girl that Luna wanted to be with..

Finally, it all came crashing down. I grew sick and tired of keeping a huge part of my life hidden from Luna. I loved her and craved her support. I wanted to tell her what I had been through and what I was going through.

So one day, it spilled out of me. I told her everything. The shame. The trauma. Why I had lied to her for the better part of a year.

“Luna, I can’t hide this anymore, but I’ve been battling depression and taking antidepressants. I know you’re super against antidepressants, but I need your support. I’ve been lying to you and hiding my medication from you.”

We were in the car on our way to the airport. We were taking our first couple’s vacation to Brazil (excellent timing for a heavy conversation, I know. My bad.). I gazed out the window and stared at the palm trees lining the streets. I braced myself for a judgmental lecture or massive argument because I had, after all, committed the worst relationship sin of all (especially for lesbians), Ilied.

Much to my surprise, my confession didn’t end in a screaming match. She felt instantly terrible thatthedrunken comments from her friends almost a year ago had made me feel soinsecure. She didn’t judge me like I had feared. In fact, my confession made her love me more.

And it taught me one of the most life-changing lessons I’ve learned in my adult life: People don’t really fall in love with the perfectly curated version of you. They might admire the filtered, air-brushed version of you. But it’s not love.

I’m areal person, not just an idea of a person.

People are only going to fall in true love with thewhole you. The you whohas nightmares, and awkward birthmarks, and a loaded past, and strange phobias. I’ve found the things I’ve been the most ashamed of are the very things my partners have fallen in love with me for.

So sweet kittens, don’t be shamed into silence. Don’t water your eccentricities down because you’re afraid of being “too much.”

And if peopletry to shame you for needing to take medication, or your weird family, or the funky scar on your body, f*ck them. Who needs false love when you could have real love?

Find the person who loves all of you, blue pills and all.

*Name has been changed

More like this:

F*ck the Stigma: I’m Sick of Being Ashamed for Being on Antidepressants

How to Tell If Someone Loves You Or Just The Idea Of You

A Ridiculous Dose of Antidepressants Made Me Emotionally Numb

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/i-hid-my-antidepressants-from-my-lover-because-i-felt-ashamed/