#FEEL FREE TO ALSO TELL HIM HAPPY BDAY IDK IF THATS

[sicc-nasti]

BIRTHDAY BOOOYYYY well technically it was December 22 but WATEVER WE CELEBRATE ON THE WEEKENDS ANYWAYSS Happy Birthday to the worst best mailman you could ever have the misfortune of knowing AND THANK U TO MY FRIENDS WHO DREW BDAY FANART OF HIM YALL ARE AMAZING

credits for their art below! 2nd- @/beepartcollection 3rd- @/junkbrainz 4th - @/vynvox

[simluvbot]

how enhypen hyung line spoils you

a/n: okay so the only reason im writing this is because heejay went on tmi news and heeseung said jay is probably the richest enhypen member.. plus jay spending 6k on a hotel for heeseung and the fact that jay’s dad owns a travel agency got me thinking so 😁  yeah here’s a headcanon on how hyung line spoil you :D — also reminder that this is a work of fiction and I wrote this based on what I think would suit with their personalities !

HEESEUNG

hee will also spoil you with his undivided attention !!

it sounds simple but whenever he is with you, he is not focusing on anything but you. he feels like he doesnt spend as much time with you as he wants to, so moments with you are so precious to him and he is always listening and responding. its really relaxing </3

(open to read more <3)

i dont really think heeseung is the type to buy you lots of materialistic things but since i feel he is really attentive he’ll instead just randomly gift you things that you had said you needed around him and just ended up forgetting about.

you complaining about it being so hot lately and needing to buy a small fan to carry around? heeseung will randomly gift you a portable fan he bought you the other day, oh you know, just ‘casually’ as he says. you saying how youre so hungry and dont have time to go get food during your lunch break?  you have food delivered to your work.

 also !! heeseung is so sO unbelievably talented !!

plus he knows how much you like his singing, so how else does he spoil you? with his voice.

it sounds cheesy but ); how could you not drop everything right that second when heeseung starts singing for you 

so,, you both chilling in bed together and relaxing? he’ll start humming softly or singing quietly because he knows how much you enjoy it, especially when youre stressed out ):

You’re so lucky because he literally voice records him singing cover songs in English too and send them to you, just for your ears only

Also will show you snippets of enhypen’s new songs or choreos because he knows you’re an engene too hehe

JAY

tbh he doesnt even bat an eyelash at the prospect of buying you something expensive

i mentioned this before but if he is out shopping, travelling, etc and he sees something he thinks you would like, need or look good on you? he buys it with no second thoughts !

loves buying matching outfits with you <3

he likes to spoil you as well in terms of quality time ):

he’ll rent a small yacht for you both to enjoy a relaxing evening together, rent a restaurant out just for you both, etc just so you two can spend a relaxing time together privatley <3

WILL pull a lee young joon on you from what’s wrong with secretary kim and rent out a whole theme park just to surprise you with 😋

also uses the fact his dad is the owner of a travel agency to his advantage and often books hotel and resort stays for you both whenever he can 😋😋

i think jay would also be the type to spoil you with cheesy couple gifts during anniversaries and on dates lol

so you HAVE started to build a small collection of stuffed teddy bears on your bed..

ofc he spoils you with materialistic things !! he likes it but with jay your comfort and happiness is ALWAYS one of his top priorities with you so he also always makes sure to make some time in his schedule whenever he can, just to spend some time with you <3

JAKE

I think jake wouldnt spoil you that much, at least he wouldnt make it explicitly obvious

more the type to spoil you with surprises during anniversaries or special occasions 

will be all shy like, “y/n youre not busy for the two days after your birthday, right? just saying please leave your schedule free for then.”

you’re confused but do what he says anyways, and when he surprises you with plane tickets, you have to pretend to act surprised hehe

often pays for expenses such as café or restaurant bills for you (EVEN if you tell him you can pay it yourself 🙄)

i think he would spoil you with random gifts that he gets for you, and over time they accumulate and each little thing he gives you is a reminder of one of your many dates with him <3

that picture frame on your bedroom wall over there? oh jake surprised you with it. the necklace youre wearing? oh jake bought it for you. that blanket on your bed? oh jake didnt want you to get cold at night, so he bought it for you to make sure youre warm ):

he is also very thoughtful so he always considers your health! and he spoils you in the sense of making sure you have the necessities he thinks you need !

when you both went out on a date and he noticed you didnt have a scarf and was complaining about how cold it was he went and bought you a new one rIGHT that second. jake wont dare let his y/n catch a cold 😠😤

jake is also so so sweet ): so he ALWAYS is showering you in compliments and praise

lowkey youre spoiled by his kind words like you could be doing the bare minimum and he’ll be telling you ‘yes thats my baby! youre doing so well!!”

overall jake just wants to make sure youre healthy and happy !! he is always noticing the small things about you hehe so he ends up spoiling you in his own ways unintentionally (:

SUNGHOON

okAY so youre literally dating him but he’ll be telling you how lucky you are to even be receiving his attention in the first place 🙄

but lowkey he does spoil you too

I see sunghoon making beaded bracelets for you and gifting them to you ):

Another one of the #teddybeargivers™

Spoils you a lot on special occasions. Will buy you roses, candles, chocolate, teddy bears etc. the typical boyfriend-y gifts on days like valentine’s or your bday </3

I feel like sunghoon is very subtle about spoiling you but when he sometimes does spoil you it’ll be something low-key expensive

Like uh sunghoon ?? An apple watch for Christmas?? i don’t think I can accept this

But he’ll look at you like 😐 y/n I went out of my way to buy this for you and it was expensive u better be grateful

Idk if this makes sense but he spoils you in his hoodies 😋

He always have a bunch that he separates ready for you to steal hehe

Also you know how I mentioned the gifts on special occasions? Well he will also write these long, detailed cards and give them to you and since sunghoon isn’t the best at conveying his emotions when he puts down all of his feelings down on a piece of paper,, you always feel so spoiled and flustered in his love ):

<3

[this-brownie]

04.22.20

I have been harboring a lot of pain and anger feelings for jen in the back of my head for the last 10 years. When I see her in person, I feel so good that I don’t have a need to bring it up, but those negative feelings, eventually, always return. I finally decided to let it all go and explain to her how I felt— the first part is the letter I read to her over the phone and the second part are my own thoughts and recollection after the phone call.

Part 1:

Maybe you have your issues with me because of that period in high school but it was never to push YOU away. I won’t diminish the fact it was detrimental to you regardless, but I didn’t intentionally prioritize myself at your cost. That happened to be the result of my stupidity and lack of communication. When you left for college, it was hard but you kind of repeatedly put yourself over me and our friendship, and it took a toll. We came back together once you found more balance in your school life and started depending on me more when you and worth broke up. I eventually moved back to New York and you had your off year; that was one of my favorite years. I like you because I have fun with you and because I like to hear you talk. I have often been angry when you couldn’t make it for me, even if it wasn’t your fault, and it constantly remained in the back of my head. But then when I see you it’s like those feelings wash away, and I’m like oh thisss is why I love hanging out with her. When you left, it made me really distant, which was better than fighting with you, but it hollowed me out. You had Mo, you had your life, you were busy. I wasn’t unhappy for you but you didn’t need me or make me feel needed. When I eventually moved on from Caitlin to Ivan, he brought on this intense joy and intimacy that I hadn’t experienced since hs. He made me feel so loved, and so crazy. It consumed me. With Levi, my other friends, and often you I feel grounded. Good positive feelings, nothing crazy. He fucking riled me up so much. Eventually it overwhelmed me but it felt amazing while it lasted. And I remember being so angry with you because why couldn’t you just let me be happy? You were hurt that I left you and it frustrated me that I should consider your feelings once again over mine. Talking to you normally made me feel empty. You were so fucking busy, and I was so busy that i didn’t feel connected when we spoke. But with Ivan, I always felt so good. I always craved that. Why couldn’t you let me have that? Because it came at your expense?

We call each other best friends and the reason I say I don’t need you there for me everyday is because you haven’t always been there for me. The person I talk to everyday now is Levi, and maybe that’s why in your own way you can’t fully trust me. I understand that- the feeling of giving your all to someone who won’t give it back. I wouldn’t want to ask you to irrationally be there for me but there are ways to make me special, which I feel I’ve done for you such as birthdays. My last birthday was one of my favorites because you actually made it. I was hesitant in telling you to even come because I didn’t want to let myself hope. I would rather sabotage myself than be let down.

The things that I perceive important are different than what you want/or are used to giving. Literally the first time ever I got hurt by you was when i walked you home after SPI and wanted to come over to your house but you said no. Obviously I understood the reason, but at that time I was SO taken aback because I had never experienced that. I thought we were friends because we had been eating together and hanging out all the time that I didn’t understand why wouldn’t just tell your parents you wanted a friend over even if you were scared.

There’s been times in the past when you made me feel like utter shit. I’ve gone to bat with my mom in the past about you. I remember in college you told me that you couldn’t tell your mom about me because I wasn’t in school and “what’s there to really say”. you were afraid to stand up to your parents even tho I’m your best friend. I under at and it’s your personality and your life but it was painful. There was a point that, I don’t even think you were angry, but you said something like I was bad influence on you. And you said it off handed, not accusatory— you said that at the end of the day, it was still your actions— but that was hurtful. The reason I get pissed and jealous is because sometimes it feels like you do stuff for others that you don’t do for me. Like when Sarah came over to your place. Or that time we went to Brooklyn shuffle with mo and Naomi and you posted a picture of just you and her. I mentioned it and you called me Nadiya which aggravated tf out of me and effectively made me want to shut up. I know it was mostly irrational and not a big deal, but I was annoyed that I planned the meetup Cuz of my bday but you honored her. It was tiny, but still hurt me and made me feel little. (Yes I know you posted a pic of us for my actually birthday but that’s not the point).

The bachelorette thing annoyed me a lot how it happened, at the time, but when I look back it was actually almost perfect. Nadiya was the one who fucked everything up. And also me, for picking a shitty restaurant. But what annoyed me after was that you didn’t talk to Nadiya. You explained that because you don’t care for her as a friend anymore, and didn’t want to bring it up but I felt like I wasn’t prioritized in that situation. Like I was full of anger and just had to let it go without any resolve.

I rmmbr a few months ago Levi was away for work and I was feeling extremely low, and I asked you something like ‘what do you do for me’ and you responded by saying that it was shitty of me to keep count. I was feeling hormonal from the implant but it makes me feel lonely when i think you can depend on me but I can’t depend on you. I don’t ask a lot of you, or at least I try my best to not bother you too much, which is why it feels good when you do things for me on your own. When you show me that you’ve thought of me. There was this meme I saw that said “affection hit different when you don’t gotta ask for it” that’s how I feel, maybe that’s just me being spoiled idk

The thing is I’m oblivious which is why I like it when you tell me “this is what I did for you” bc it keeps me in check. If I’m constantly reminded you love me, then I don’t have to doubt it or be stuck in my own head. I know you show your love in less obviating ways but they mean so much. When you’re patient with me, I appreciate that a lot. I don’t like when you spend money on me. I love quality time. I love when you make me feel important. I often don’t feel like that which is why I bitch at you lol. It might all be in my head, but how can I be sure? I’m the only one thinking about it 🤔

I am bringing up all the things not because they necessarily bother me anymore but I want to stop holding on to all of it. Feel free to yell at me about the shit I’ve done to you too, I know there’s been a lot. But I do love you, even if we just love each other differently. Even if you don’t post as many pics of me on your IG as I’d like, and I don’t like the pics you do post of me🤦🏽‍♀️ I cant help compare myself to your other friends. Why do they get better captions than me🙄 why do you cook for them and not me. Why do I always compare myself to them and feel like I’m on the losing end. I know this side of me is crazy which is why I like to keep it hidden. I know that you actually do love me (I think). But I feel I’m constantly thinking about how I personally can make you feel good. How to be reliable. How to be there for you. Like that weekend when you were upset about Aaron not responding and him possibly canceling the date. I knew you were in a shit mood so i wanted to do everything in my power to make you feel happy and wanted. To stock the house, and cool for you, and spend money on you, and call your friend and surprised you so that you can cheer up. I know you don’t care for grand gestures and you never ask this of me, but i like to do it and telling myself to *stop* doing it will make me feel dead inside. It’s unfair to put that standard on you and tbh I don’t want that, but I love feeling loved. Talk to me and validate me and make me feel like your present in my life.

I know this is all sounding one sided but you have done a LOT for me through out the years too. I think I’m less mean and crazy with you now than I used to be. You’ve exerted a lot of patience and leniency with me, especially though high school but also after college. Like when we travel and I used to go crazy planning, you bear with me. I remember I used to make you read my long ass college essays even though your probably didn’t fucking want to. You giving me meaningful gifts that you thought I would appreciate. You’ve tried your best to keep up with me— to give me my space when thats what I asked for, to be understanding when that’s what I needed, to put up with my childish, demanding, anal ways. Those qualities haven’t gone unnoticed by me.

I also know that you’ve grown up more and are more aware of my emotions. I know you’re not clingy to the point that you’ll be extremely upset if I’m busy. You take my feelings seriously, and when you point our flaws in me I also try to take them seriously and improve them. Ive come to terms with knowing there won’t be a lot of interactions with you, but at least they can be memorable when they do take place. But that has to be mutual. You’re depending on me more now because of the Eric situation which is fine but I’m hesitant to let myself be fully vulnerable. youll get back to your med school life, and eventually find a boyfriend and it’ll be back to being distant. It’s not ideal, but that’s life. You won’t really need me or pull at me. We’re adults so it manageable but it’s not such a pleasant feeling. I guess I am afraid of feeling used and then being left to tend to myself up until when you need me again

I won’t have any crazy expectations. I don’t want to burden you with all this, just want to communicate my feelings because sometimes it easier for me to clam up. I was thinking maybe I need to start asking you the questions that I would like for you to ask me. That way you can get an idea of the things that I like to talk about along with what we already discuss. I don’t want to keep repeating, to you, that maybe you’re not talking to me the way I would like. It makes you feel like there’s something wrong with how you’re communicating to me, rather than how I prefer things. And it’s always better to show, than tell.

Part 2:

I read my letter to her on the phone and she listened and agreed. I don’t know if I told you, maybe I mentioned it briefly, there was a period in hs after parker and I broke up, that I went mia for a week. Jen and I have been talking obsessively at that point so for me to just black out, and leave her in the dark like that took a huge toll on her. She realized that ‘I’m my own person, and I have a life without her’ so in college she tried to become more independent, to the point that she shut me out. I felt really betrayed because we had told ourselves we would still be super close and things wouldn’t change blah blah. But it felt like she knew they were going to change and she kept it to herself. Side note, although I was mia for that week, this was like first semester 12th grade— afterwards we were the “same” still continued to talk everyday, every moment like nothing changed. But her heart had changed and she never really let me knew how badly it impacted her. In college we were separated because she had to study 24/7 to get into med school and I was dealing with the horrors of my own life. In her spring semester of junior year, we had a huge fight where I told her that she’s always unavailable and hasn’t been a good friend. Things changed a little after that, we started talking more regularly but still sparse. I don’t have a lot of memories of us from that period, but I did hold a lot of pain. As college ended for her, she broke up with her toxic ex and started talking to me more. Not obsessively, but much more than we used to and in the manner a best friend would like calling me at 2am bc she’s sad and can’t sleep and staying on the phone with me all night even tho I had work the next day. I did that because I knew she was hurting, and I was in a better place, and I liked that she was depending on me again.

The next year was her off year and I moved back to nyc from Boston so we spent that entire year together and it was one of my favorites. We finally got to spend the time and do the things we wanted to do together since college. Went out to eat, explored new places, but it wasn’t perfect bc we couldn’t go clubbing since she was still scared of her parents. There were issues during this period tho, where she made me feel like shit- I couldn’t come over to her house bc I wasn’t in school therefore she had nothing good to say about me to her parents. It was hurtful. When she left for med school I had become clingy again and felt her absence deeply- instead of being bitter like I was in college I decide to outsource. I became close to Caitlin and we started doing all the crazy things Jen wasn’t able to do. Like staying out until 5am, doing coke, binge drinking. I was always angry at Jen in the back of my mind for not being there for me, but rationally knew that neither of us had a choice. After a year or so, my husband moved to SF, Caitlin started becoming crazy and super unreliable, and jen was busier than ever bc of school and *also* whenever she would come to visit nyc, her bf only made her hangout with him. We WOULD talk but it felt so casual that it drained me. I hated it, I felt so empty from it. I know some people would say that at least there was contact/effort there but it wasn’t enough for me. I was working and in school full time and it was hard bc I felt I couldn’t depend on anyone.

Eventually Ivan came into my life and it was a whirlwind. It consumed me, I was so fucking happy. Too happy— I started (unintentionally) talking to jen less and less bc I was so overwhelmed. She told me last night there were long stretches of me and her not talking, up to an entire month at one point. I honestly can’t even recall that. All I rmmbr is Ivan. She felt betrayed again and it triggered that similar pain from hs. Became emotionally distant, but then once she and Eric broke up, she propelled into my arms yet again and started depending on me emotionally. It sucked for me bc yeah I’m here for her but it felt she only reached out when she needed ME but I can’t reach her when I need her. Because I have to just be okay with the fact that there will be times when shes unavailable but it’s unacceptable if I’m too busy.

In my letter I basically told her I don’t feel cared for when we talk bc she’s not vulnerable with me which makes me feel not valued. As a friend, she’s great but as a bffl she’s not cutting it. I also said that she’s going to leave for residency and I don’t trust that we won’t be distant again, so I don’t want to fully invest myself. She told me my feelings are valid and that she’s been holding onto that pain from hs for a long time subconsciously and it’s affected her actions towards me. She essentially told me she doesn’t trust me bc she has a fear that I can leave at any moment and so won’t allow herself to be that vulnerable and clingy with me. I thought about that- and I agree it has been unfair to her. Just because I’m obsessive and crazy doesn’t mean I have the right to cut her off bc I feel like she’s not there enough. As an adult I have to understand that. To just drop off all communication like that, of course it’s going to have an effect. She agreed that we should have talked about the hs thing 10 fucking years ago instead of now. I think ultimately it would have been the same— I would have always felt bitterly jealous that she’s away busy doing stuff with other people. For me, there is no amount of talking or texting we could do that would replace an in person relationship. And sadly, there’s no way to sustain the relationship we had in hs. For her, it’s physically not possible and for me it’s not emotionally a good idea. Im very 0 to a 100 and that’s not how adults should be. She told me that it would probably be a good idea for me stay guarded and not extremely clingy as she goes off to her residency because we would be distant. I feel better talking to her and getting every thing off my chest esp bc I got to hear her side. I understand now why she acts the way she does, which makes me not harbor negative feelings for her.

[dreamerology]

anon its Late but.....heres pt 2 aka my kihyun love post

i meant to do this for his bday but never managed to get around to it :( anyways here i am now….back on my kihyun bullshit. i never left but…...I’m Back and more in L*ve than ever. again i dont even know where to start dfjshjfhs icb i didnt used to like him???????? past me was fuckgin dumb! not that i hated him he was just like……..one of my least fave members and now???? dont tell minhyuk but…..Yeah i have so much love in my heart for kihyun :( idek how it started one day i just woke up loving yoo kihyun…...like it wasnt even gradual just one day Bam heart eyes motherfucker nd the rest was history

ANYWAYS  UH i love love love love love love looooooooove how genuine he is in everythign he does???? like the two most recent example are his letter in the fancafe nd his little photography signature….did he have to actually handwrite the letter to post it????? NO. but did he??? YOU BET. idk just!!!! its rly sweet bc u could clearly see how much it meant to him that he would go out of his way to write us an actual letter rather than just typing it up nd making a post. and how he said he hand draws his initials on his photography so sorry if theyre a little different every time bicshjd???????/ thats so fuckign cute!!!!!!!!!! he rly loves mbbs so so much and its really clear bc he does little things that add his personal touch to it and idk it just makes me so warm like….hes rly thinking of us sjkhfsjhf we love a caring man :(( o also sorta unrelated but the amount of exclamation points he uses when posting is so cute, bich me too!!!!! like u can always tell its him if theres “!!!” at the end of the message it’s :(( such a cute habit idk it makes me rly happie to see dsjfhkajh

speaking of his initials  on his photography!!!! i love his photography!!!!!!!!!!!! gosh it makes me so happy to see him out there just having a good time enjoying his hobby??? like their lives are so busy im so glad hes found something that he enjoys and that he can spend time on while still keeping up w his busy schedule. also hes just rly fuckign good at it!!!!!!! im gonna make a whole museum dedicated to pictures ur all welcome to come visit once its done, people are gonna come from across the world to see it nd all the proceeds will b donated to The Monstas. ANYWAYS hes rly good!!!!!!!! like i only kno The Basics abt photography but he’s rly out there u kno! im in awe! and he just loves talking abt it and sharing it and i can see how much he likes it and how passionate he is!!! i could listen to him talk abt it forever he just sorta...Lights Up its so sweet

also ok one of the first things i started noticing that i found rly cute was like how whenever he gets rly embarrassed he’ll make that scrunched up face or he’ll just like…….Jump fkjsdhfjd its so cute????? like his face during this dsfhkdjhf or jumping at the end of this when he tries to act sexy dsfhjkdsh i love a whole dork hes so funny. he knows hes gonna get embarrassed but he does it anyways!!! i wish i was the care free dsjfhskjdh

AND HIS SMILE FUCK! its the most precious thing ive ever seen wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! his smile is so bright and warm it makes me sososososoooooo happy!!!!! not 2 b sappy but i rly get the biggest butterflies whenevr i see his smile thats the number one source of my happiness right there folks! a the lil dimples he gets on his cheeks when he smiles rly big :( they’re so cute i’ve never rly noticed anyone else that had them before. i just! his smile is so precious idk what else to say!!! when he smiles rly big nd u can see his teeth….cute :( AND HIS LAUGH FUCK! its so cute when he laughs so hard he just drops out of the frame dksjfksjdh hes got one of the best whole body laughs he just collapses in on himself its so adorbale jhkdjssjfk the sound of his laugh? music to my ears!!! i hope hes always that happie :(((

o another point is his freckles :(( i hate how half the time theyre covered up by makeup but whenever i see them im like HELLO! I LOVE U!!!!!!! NICE TO SEE U!! the one on the corner of his mouth is my best friend but also the hes got one on his finger too dskfhkjhf also in this pic u can see them all rly closely, i look at this at least once daily & just cry. and the one near his temple too :(( cute!!! if u take anyway anythign from this post kno im the #1 kihyun freckle enthusiast

not 2 forget how hardworking and caring he is!!!!!!! and how his voice is one of the most calming things to listen to! i know i say that abt everyone but i looooove listening to him talk so much, his voice is so soft. thats not even including his vocals…...theres a reason hes the main vocal singer!!!! sometimes i remember that you and i exists nd he rapped in it and i instantly go bald….what a talented man is there anything he cant do?? and how his eyes are probably the prettiest ive ever seen i swear theyre made from pure honey…….and his hands!!!!! everyone always teases me for having tiny ass baby hands but jokes on them bc they were made 2 hold kihyuns hands :( everything he does is so endearing hes so cute!!!! oh and his confidence!!!! idk how much of it is for show but if i had even 2% of his confidence levels i feel like i’d be a better person dskjfhkjhf

unrelated to the love post but hes been looking So Good lately and he knows it and its dangerous for my health. every morning i wake up and yoo kihyun tells me to go choke and i say gladly! when is he gonna come to canada and finally end my life on thsi plane of existence please im Tired

[castaform]

okay tho so like before i sleep i kinda just wanna a do a week review because this week is setting itself up to be amazing but also horrid at the same time

like lets get the good out the ay, new pokemon cards on friday and theres a pokemon event my work is doing and im like HOT FUCKING GIDDYVRHECUFEBCWUAI FREE POKEMON SHIT VUIRNCEWOX and Im like so hype and then like fire emblem on thursday too and then theres the guy but tbh i dont wanna talk about him cause i know like ill fuck it up somehow so im trying to ignore it and focus on work.

but anyway work is getting ... tedious? boring idk like it dosent feel the same and maybe cause its dead 24/7 and I wish there was another person with me on my department cause its getting lonesome standing for 6 hours alone like itvrfibtvrf but also im livin in constant dread that guys gonna come back and if he does oh boy ill scream down the walkie talkie again, like i still cant believe he tried shit like that, and im still not over it. my boss knows sure but like when i gained a personal stalker they never told me sooooooooooooooooo

but like also idk latl im kinda like ‘kai you need british friends’ ause im pushing myself to heck rn and sometimes its for nothing like by god i went to bed at 5 last night honestly im savage to myself. its not like i dont have any we just dont talk and thats probs to do with the fact i find it hard to talk to people in general but idk itd be cool to have people to have a high chance of meeting one day. now that i have discord tho i guess thats better? btw i left skype so yeah dont bother messaging there whoops.

honestly tho rn theres a lot of dad stuff grinding at me and how my mums moved on clearly like tbh she didnt even write his bday on the calendar and i ended up doing shit with my sister cause tbh she gt really upset nothing was done. idk maybe it was like the general lonely feeling and then bing like ‘oh yeah no dad’ on top of it all idk but btufrned3odefrn

but i guess finally idk ive just been feeling invisible lately??? like idk its kinda like no one appreciates me????? idk, like irl ill talk but get talked over as if i wasnt even talking, or online too, heck sometimes i feel people are actively avoiding me and please just sa if im being annoying ill stop better for everyone but also nobody like tells me shit and idk i feel very, left out? like everyone can do fine without me and you can probably guess how thats making me feel. like idk i wish  a bit more often i got thought of first which is bad thinking because me doing nice things for people =/= getting nice things back i do them to make people happy and mmmaaayyyybbe i spend like too much on people but by god i enjoy seeing someones smile, id just hope someone enjoyed mine

anyway idk what spurred this on,ill probs delete it in the morning like yeah