#FDS series
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iron-parkr · 1 month ago
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Aquila Black ⚡ When the World Leaves a Scar + Aquila Through the Years
tag list: @juliaswickcrs @witchofinterest @arrthurpendragon @alinastarkhov @kingsmakers @damn-daemon @levii-acckermann @susiesamurai @drbobbimorse @booty-boggins @akabluekat aquila tag: @noratilney Want to be added? Do I have your correct blog URL? Let me know!
Read it here: FFN | Ao3
Special shoutout to Liv for the adult Aquila FC suggestion and Tessa for inspiring me with her beautiful wonderful incredible edits!!
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chickensarentcheap · 1 month ago
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Choosing to spread some love in the community since that anon wants to be a little bitch again, so: please share ten facts about Queen Esme!! Whatever you wanna share about her that you haven’t already, I wanna hear it!! <3
Thank you for sending this! <3
I can't believe they've been at this bullshit as long as they have. If they put that kind of time and effort into creating something or caring about something, imagine what they'd achieve!
It makes so happy that others love my girl Esme as much as I do :)
Esme was born in Snowmass. Colorado, USA and is the youngest of six children, and the only girl
She has a degree in psychology
Besides English, she can speak a handful of languages: French, Spanish, Russian, Pashto, Dari, and some Bengali and Hindi
Aside from being a silent partner/owner of Tyler's mercenary business, she owns a bookstore in Cooktown, Australia. It's even been featured in magazines and a travel show on places to visit in Queensland.
In the main series, she's the proud momma of seven kiddos. Including two sets of twins
While a pretty terrible cook, she's an excellent baker
She was married once before meeting Tyler. She had been divorced for eighteen months when Nik introduced them
Her cousin is/was married to a mercenary on Nik's team. G, who was played by Sam Hargrave in the first film. He's the person who get her hired by Nik
While living in NYC, she was very good friends with John Wick's wife, Helen
When she and Tyler were paired up to work together in Dhaka, she was living in Prague, Czech Republic
My Tyler/Esme peeps: @mrsmungus @secretaryunpaid @youflickedtooharddamnit @tragiclyhip @watermeezer
And anyone else who reads/supports of course :)
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ichiharas-familiar · 5 months ago
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Imagine you're a girl in bed with an inappropriately older man and he lists some guys including your DEAD BROTHER and uses the word 'violated' and then you still jump on him and bite him with 100% full jaw strength (sexually).
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shipcestuous · 3 months ago
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It's been a long time since I had read Flowers in the Attic, but did Malcolm watch Corinne getting whipped after she came back to Foxworth Hall or did he do the whipping himself? I couldn't tell how it was done since the whipping happened off-page, but in the 1987 movie, he had some sort of look of hunger as he watched.
I don't remember what was said in the book about it. It seems like he would want to watch, though, especially since he was enfeebled.
Oh malcolm
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sexysilverstrider · 9 months ago
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ok wait i know my top 3 otome games but my top 5?
1. piofiore 1926
2. olympia soiree
3. diabolik lovers: dark fate
4. shuuen no virche
5. hakuoki kyoto winds + edo blossoms
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tutuandscoot · 1 year ago
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Favourite photo series
(I forgot which part I’m up to)
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Bit of a story behind this one..
So I only just found this pic the other day, opened Pinterest and it was the first one to pop up and I gasped! It’s gorgeous!!! The sharpness, the symmetry, them in character.. it’s just beautiful.
Also as soon as I saw it, I recalled a moment from a fan meeting where VM are looking at this picture.
Here in this video from a fan meeting with Russian fans in Paris during TEB (Grand Prix France) 2013, they start with showering VM with gifts, followed by presenting them with the banners they had made from the previous season where they competed in Russia twice.
One of the banners is a red, black & white one (which sweet scootie notes that it’s kinda like a Canadian flag 🥰), and on the banner, is printed this above picture, as they are presented it and they pull it out, they each say:
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Its quite hard to see what exactly the picture is from this angle (the camera) if you haven’t seen the actual photo (which I hadn’t until just the other day) but after watching this fan meeting a few times (and maybe pausing the video in the right spot) you can see it’s a picture of their ending pose from Carmen, a picture from practice from when they competed at COR 2012.
By what they each say, it seems maybe T hadn’t seen the picture before, but Scott had, or maybe not and in saying ‘I love that picture’ he means that moment in the program, not sure though.
So being able to finally see it properly, and now paring up their comments, especially his, I have some thoughts on it.
I lovveee when Scott said what he loves in ice dance (especially as they got older) is exploring characters and movement, the artistic side is what they really love to push (and given they were the best ice dancers in the world athletically they could be bold and push artistic boundaries). I really really loved when he said that he likes stuff (art) that is ‘kinda raw and chills you to the bone’.
That’s exactly the vibe I get from Carmen. It is so raw, so chilling, makes you uncomfortable in the best way watching to brilliant artists and athletes fucking go for it!
Depending on how you view the ending of Carmen (I’ve given a few examples in the past); they have said that in their story ‘Carmen doesn’t actually die but it’s Don Jose who’s kinda this ruined man’. There is so much in this final ending pose. It could be interpreted as her killing him- either literally or emotionally- she’s ruined him and there’s nothing left of him- he’s not but he may as well be dead.
Knowing that’s the kind of stuff they loved to perform and Scott especially saying that’s where he loves to be as an artist, him saying he ‘loves this picture’,- like he loves that moment in Carmen and the story that lead to that moment, he loves that T got to play this fierce, dominate woman and he got to play off that.
It gives ME CHILLS.
They weren’t just athletes, they truly were artists and weren’t afraid of that- pushing dark and disturbing themes even when it didn’t result in high scores. They get it and I feel so close to them hearing them say that they loved being artists and sharing these beautiful, unique experiences together! 💖
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twinklefantasia · 10 months ago
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are ppl comparing fd to gacha dress up games.... and how they have fancier clothing???? its almost as if a main thing for gacha games is to pull people into spending money on "oooh pretty"
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arrthurpendragon · 10 months ago
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⌨ + Leila Potter's story
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Send me ⌨ + title to one of my fics and I’ll write a sentence for that fic!
Almost all times, Leila thought.  But she saw no need in pointing that out - the boys were already in trouble. And it appeared that Fred’s lack of manners wasn’t helping things. Mrs. Weasley narrowed her eyes at her son. “You keep your mouth closed while you’re eating!” she snapped.
Fred’s mouth immediately clamped shut before he swallowed hard.  Knowing Fred like she did, it was immensely entertaining to see someone able to get to Fred like that. Fred then eyed George to continue.
“They were starving them, Mum!” George added, careful not to take a bite of food before speaking.  Instead, from behind his back, he tossed Leila a muffin which she nearly missed catching.  “I mean, just look at them!”
Leila scoffed out loud, ready to retort look at yourself, but before she could protest, Ron chimed in.
“There were bars on their window, Mum!” Ron added before sneaking a rather large bite of food in his mouth.
Mrs Weasley quickly turned on her heel, practically jabbing her finger in Ron’s shoulder. “You’d best hope I don’t put bars on your window, Ronald Weasley!”
Ron gulped his food down, nearly choking on it.
Mrs Weasley then rounded on the twins and narrowed her eyes, looking between Fred and George. “And you’d best hope I don’t accidentally starve you.”
Fred and George glanced sideways at each other before Fred asked his mother, “Which one of us are you starving?”
Mrs Weasley groaned and threw her hands up in the air in frustration. “We never had this much trouble with Bill . . . or Charlie . . . or Percy.  Not even combined!  Where did we go wrong?”
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leilapotter · 11 months ago
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I've tentatively settled on Leila's faceclaim and book one's title.
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kyaruun · 3 months ago
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i don't think i'm ever recovering from this yui, she looks like a goddess ;;;;; <333 not recovering from the fact kamiaso is 10 either,,, technically 11 in october
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enchanted--roses · 1 year ago
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OC Halloween Challenge — Day 02 — Lights, Camera, Action!
If they were canon!!
Jenna Coleman & Emilia Clarke -> Kaitlynn Kane & Rebecca Hepburn
Jenna Coleman & Ramin Karimloo (low-key my favorite lol) -> Kaitlynn Kane & Henry P. Jones
Katie McGrath & D.J. Cotrona -> Charlotte Fuller & Seth Gecko
Emily VanCamp & Josh Dallas -> Ruby Lewis & Ben Stone
For day two, we’re combining oc as canon, oc as celebrity, and oc’s social media into one day where you get to choose which of those challenges you would like to do… maybe even all of them!
Forever Tag: 💠@fiercefray​ 💠@foxesandmagic💠 @valdrinors​ 💠@ochub​ 💠@ocappreciationtag​💠@fanficanatic-tw​ 💠@robertdowneyhiddlesbatch   💠@chickensarentcheap​ (wanna be on any of my taglist? ask me!)
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iron-parkr · 29 days ago
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When the World Leaves a Scar | Chapter 3
Read it here
Aquila Black thought she knew the plans in store for her life: seven years in Slytherin, a high-ranking Ministry job, an arranged pure-blood marriage. So no one was more surprised than her when the Sorting Hat placed her in Gryffindor. With the plan derailed, her life in a tailspin, and a war looming on the horizon in her future, Aquila is going to need all the bravery she can get.
“Oi, wha’s the lake ever done to yeh?” Aquila spun round to see Hagrid standing on the grass at the edge of the rocky beach. His bushy black mane was as wild as it had been that first night, but up closer like this, she could see his small, dark eyes glinting from behind the curtain of hair. “Yeh might think o’ bein’ careful,” he told her. “The creatures livin’ in that lake won’t thank yeh for disturbing their home.” Aquila nodded without a word. If he’d come just to tell her off, he’d done a right good job of bursting through her tenuously decent mood. She expected him to lumber off back to the castle, proud of himself for yelling at a stupid little first year. But he didn’t. He dithered for a moment. Then he said, “I’ve seen yeh out on the grounds all day. Yeh must be cold.” Again, Aquila said nothing. She wondered what he was playing at. “Come ‘ere,” Hagrid said, beckoning her away from the water. “Let’s get yeh warm, eh?”
permanent tag: @juliaswickcrs @witchofinterest @arrthurpendragon @azoraahai @kingsmakers @damn-daemon @susiesamurai @drbobbimorse @akabluekat​
aquila tag: @bisexualterror @nejires-hado @noratilney
Want to be added or taken off? Do I have your correct blog URL? Let me know!
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dropthedemiurge · 1 year ago
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Fun statistics time:
- In 2022, I wrote 50k words on AO3. In English (not my native language)
- In 2023 per September, I already wrote 57k words.
- THIS IS LIKE A COUPLE OF BOOKS yet it's all slash fanfics about characters from Thai BL/QL/gen series xD
- I even worked for a few months writing articles about my obsession with some of these shows. Like professionally. Made some directors/crew of those shows happy^^
(i actually speedran learning how to write in english because my writing was clumsy at best if you look at my previous fandom and first fics on ao3, and now I'd like to think my fics are not that bad)
But damn. The way Not Me, Bad Buddy, The Eclipse, Be my Favorite, Moonlight Chicken and Only Friends just inspired the heck out of me??
I'm personally shocked. I literally picked up writing and drawing again because in my other kpop fandom the creative community has gradually died down, and here I'm like. Friends! Prompts! Fests! Meta posts! Fix-it fics! Character studies after every episode! Crossover AUs! Comics! Arts from pretty pictures!!
(tbh my drawings became worse in a sense that I do fast sketches after episodes or photos that inspired me and don't do heavy illustrations that take a long time; but also I write 3-4k fics in one sitting and I guess that's what my creative soul wants to focus on🍀)
Damn. I love you guys (my discord friends especially) for enabling me and I love these shows (even tho I interact with them and actors not in an intended fanservice way probably) and I didn't expect to fall into something like this. But that's truly what I needed.
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dancingsunflowers-ocs · 1 year ago
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𝙊𝘾 𝙃𝘼𝙇𝙇𝙊𝙒𝙀𝙀𝙉 𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙇𝙇𝙀𝙉𝙂𝙀 2023: 𝘋𝘢𝘺 𝘌𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵: 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘦𝘳/𝘕𝘰𝘯-𝘉𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳/𝘚𝘬𝘦𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘤
It doesn’t matter the subgenre, there’s always one. They don’t believe a killers out to get them or their friends despite the fast growing pile of bodies, they claim there’s a natural explanation for the supernatural event terrorizing everyone, they just refuse to get with the program. This often combines with the cop or older-than-everyone-else character. Which one of your ocs will get killed by their stubborness before their loyalty?
𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦'𝘴 𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘢 𝘵𝘦𝘦𝘯𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 '𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘪𝘦 𝘟' 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 '𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘎𝘰𝘳𝘯' 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘮 𝘶𝘱 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘢 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘭𝘺, 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘶𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘤𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘌𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘦, 𝘪𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦'𝘴 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘷𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘴 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘢 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯..
𝘌𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘯 𝘚𝘺𝘥𝘯𝘦𝘺 𝘉𝘦𝘳𝘭𝘪𝘯 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘴𝘬𝘦𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘤 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘵𝘪����𝘯, 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘪𝘧 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘭𝘶𝘥𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 (𝘺𝘦𝘴, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘮 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘚𝘤𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘢𝘤𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘵) 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘰𝘺𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥 (𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭)..
𝘈𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘭, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 '𝘴𝘰 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘶𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘳𝘴' 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 '𝘥𝘰𝘥𝘨𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘰𝘴𝘢𝘶𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘮𝘦' 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯 '𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘦𝘦𝘯𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘳' 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘯 𝘰𝘣𝘴𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘦 𝘠𝘦𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘤𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘩 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘊𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯..
𝘚𝘩𝘦'𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘰𝘯 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘣𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘹𝘵 '𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘭𝘺 𝘷𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘮'…
✨ Taglist: @carmens-garden@eddysocs@faerieroyal@daughter-of-melpomene@megandaisy9@misshiraethsworld @arrthurpendragon ✨
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regallibellbright · 1 year ago
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Played Fashion Dreamer until my Switch battery went low, so at least for short-term entertainment I suspect I’ll be able to get my money’s worth out of it personally, and spent some time afterwards reflecting on what I think it’s doing good at and where it’s falling.
As predicted I log into Online Mode and I am greeted by a vast and wonderful array of lolita clothes fitting into at least two distinct subgenres. Since I played more online than off, I’m pretty sure I got an overrepresentation of that branch of the design options, and the comparatively understated but still distinctly dainty stuff, but I saw at least a couple people preferring the more professional or cool looks, respectively. Relatively little of the cutesy pop stuff, which I’ve always had a soft spot for, but I DID get a very cute oversized sweatshirt dress with a polka dot stegosaurus on it in several colors, and that served me quite nicely.
You’ll notice all of this is talking about women’s fashion in a game that also has playable men in a first for Syn Sophia’s fashion games. The gender lock’s aggressive and annoying, and the fact that fucking SOCKS are gendered when headwear and earrings aren’t is baffling. I have to assume it’s something to do with the modeling by this point, because you can give a Type B body a bunny-eared maid headband and whatever earrings your heart desires, and I have. I struggle to see why you would then draw the line at equal opportunity fishnets. Hair isn’t gender-locked, awesome, and Type A bodies can actually have facial hair, which surprised me because my expectations were in the toilet by this point.
But yeah. The menswear. It may just be because I was playing mostly in online mode and therefore more at the whims of player choice the way I could recognize the heavy weighting towards lolita style for the women’s fashion wasn’t representative of the game as a whole, but all the Type B characters I ran into were generally dressed in an aesthetic I’m going to call “slightly generic 2020s boy band”.
Which sounds unflattering, yes, but I consider this a genuine improvement, because the 3DS games’ menswear was mostly an aesthetic I struggled to place for a bit before settling on “totally generic stock photo model.”
I’ll get comparative pictures for you all at some point, but genuinely. Legitimately. The 3DS games were bleak. There were maybe eight aesthetic categories for men’s fashion, total, to the fourteen non-bag women’s fashion brands with corresponding aesthetics. (Granted, one of them was “costume”, so you could argue thirteen, but especially in the later two games there was still a fair bit of depth to that brand such that it had a defined aesthetic.) All of the women’s brands and aesthetics were very distinct - you could tell the difference between “professional officewear” and either “preppy” or “luxury” at a glance, even if there were items that could fit into one of those aesthetics secondarily. With the men’s brands, you had four or maybe five, and there was heavy bleedthrough of the aesthetics they listed. Both the men’s and women’s fashion had categories for “bold” and “edgy”. For the women’s fashion, “bold” is clearly inspired by gyaru fashion and “edgy” is clearly punk rock. They have different brands. For the men’s… “edgy” is SLIGHTLY more punk, but it’s by degrees, and it’s not going nearly so far as the equivalent women’s fashion. They share a brand. In addition to those two, you had “basic” (simple items, solid colors and maybe some stripes,) “preppy,” (school uniforms and stuff, self-explanatory,) “bohemian” (also pretty self-explanatory, but you never saw it in the international versions - it was cut outright for Trendsetters and while some vestiges of the style existed in Style Star, no customers ever asked for it there,) luxury (you want suits? Here’s your suits,) and “contemporary” (more patterns and material textures than basic but the same general aesthetic.)
So: You could wear a suit, you could dress a bit like a rocker but a pretty mediocre one, or you could dress like, as I said before, a stock photo model. With an above-average tendency towards vests in Style Star, but still very much a stock photo model, or maybe a midbudget CW show.
And the more I think about it, the easier it is to articulate the issue with how the men’s fashion has been treated in Syn Sophia games. The women’s fashion has all these distinct and recognizable styles, including a bunch of varieties of streetwear - you’ve got gyaru and punk styles, you’ve got Decora/Pop Kei, you’ve got girly fashion that’s somewhere around cottagecore/mori aesthetics, you have stuff that would be suitable for an office. Gothic and sweet lolita have their own separate brands. While Style Star folded its athletic brand into the pop one, the first three games all had a dedicated brand for that… for the women’s fashion.
The menswear never had a dedicated athletic aesthetic. Not even a brand, since as mentioned there were like four of those. It didn’t have an aesthetic. And THAT is why Fashion Dreamer feels like an improvement to me already, because as sparse as my options are for the men’s fashion there are at least plenty of sweatpants at long last. (I am however struggling to find men’s jeans, and it took me WAY too long to figure out where the bit specifying what type a pattern was for was located.)
The men’s fashion in Style Savvy was consistently an afterthought. And you can tell, because athletic/athleisure clothes were a staple of the women’s fashion for the first three games and still present in the fourth, but totally absent in the men’s fashion. I can trust that there’s more variety for the women’s fashion in Fashion Dreamer and that I was getting an overrepresentation of the lolita stuff because that’s what’s most popular with the playerbase, because I know from past games that there was that depth and that the lolita fashion was particularly popular. I don’t have that same trust for the men’s fashion, not yet. And honestly I doubt the game will deliver for me, much as I’d love to be proven wrong.
But hey! At least this time around, I’ve yet to see an outfit that makes a male character look like the Distracted Boyfriend meme!
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themoralgoats · 1 year ago
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implied it several times before but the way s3 e4, especially nurse bendy’s part in it, has been turned into a shock value thing in itself kind of disgusts me
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