#Except i still suck at making friends but grrrr

[sincerely-nines]

Main goal is to blow up and act like i know everybody :)

[davecall93]

Teddy (3)

“There’s a party on Friday,” said Teddy to coach a few days later from the couch.

“And they invited you?”

“Yes.”

Coach made a low growl. “And I suppose you want to go.”

Teddy looked at him. “Yes.”

“I don’t like it.”

“I know, I know…you want me tied up in a cage…”

“Or one or the other.” Coach sat next to Teddy on the couch. Per instruction, the boy was shirtless. “Ariel, the party world is a mess…” he said, putting is hand on Teddy’s belly and rubbing it. “I suppose I have to drop you off and pick you up.”

“Please, Mom.”

Coach growled again. He stared at Teddy’s belly as he continued to rub it. He pinched it. “You have to eat dinner before.”

“It starts at 8.” Teddy looked pleadingly at Coach. “You did say I could go out.”

“My first mistake in life.”

Coach continued to rub Teddy’s belly. “Well, that’s three days from now. That gives me three days to train you to be in civilized society.”

“I think you know how to—“

Coach put his hands over Teddy’s mouth. “Don’t speak. You’re a complete slob. Look at you. You look like a melting marshmallow. You get halfway into a pool and half the water will spill out.”

Teddy sat still.

“And I spend half my time now cleaning up after you. It would be easier to have a goldfish. I could feed it until it explodes and then get another goldfish that looks just like it. And it would stay in its bowl and not go anywhere. Why can’t I do that with Teddys?”

Teddy licked Coach’s palm with his tongue.

Coach lifted his hand and slapped his hand across Teddy’s cheek.

“Don’t be fresh. Go put on a t-shirt and a pair of gym shorts and  come out to the backyard in half an hour.”

Half an hour later, when Teddy came down, Coach was seated in a deck chair, sipping a drink, naked except for a pair of sunglasses. The hose was hanging over one of the armrests and a towel over the back of the chair. On the picnic table was a party size bag of potato chips, a party size bag of M&M’s, a handle of whiskey, a 2 liter bottle of coke and a single Solo cup.

“Here,” said Teddy.

“Pearson!” Said Coach, in his practiced class voice. “Come here.” Coach pointed to the front of his deck chair. Teddy stood in front of him. “Now, Pearson, not only has your lazy ass not done any more physical activity than roll over on the couch, you’ve shown yourself to be a complete slob. Today, you are going to do a full workout, after which you will then be trained in proper etiquette when eating at a party.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now, go out to the grass and run 50 laps around the grass.”

Teddy looked out at the grass.

“Did I stutter, Pearson?” Said Coach picking up the hose.

“No, I just—”

Coach sprayed Teddy in the face. “Fucking a, Pearson. Go!”

Teddy jogged out to the grass and started running around the perimeter. Coach sipped his drink, watching him intently as he made laps, shouting out occasionally.

“Jesus Christ, Pearson, that’s pathetic for a man your age!”

Teddy, who had not worked out his senior year, went until he got winded. He stopped.

“Pearson!”

Teddy came up to coach. He was beaded in sweat from the summer heat and catching his breath.

“Here!” Coach sprayed him with the hose. “Is that cooling?”

“Thank you, sir.”

“Are you still hot?”

“Yessir.”

“Take off your shirt.”

Teddy took off his shirt, revealing a gut close to being past a beginner’s one. It was wet with sweat. Coach sprayed it, aiming for his navel, and Teddy folded in.

“Do you find that refreshing, Pearson?”

“Yessir.”

“Your body wouldn’t have such difficult time cooling off if you weren’t so fat.” Coach sprayed him again. “I suppose that sad performance covers the cardio portion of our workout. Now that your warmed up, it would be a good time to stretch.”

“Yessir.”

“Now, turn around and bend over and touch your toes.”

Teddy turned around. He bent over, knowing he was mooning Coach, and reached for his toes. He could tell he had gained weight because in order to get closer to his toes he had to suck in his stomach.

“Keep holding it, Pearson.”

“Okay, Pearson, up.”

Teddy got up, turned around. Coach was erect and stroking himself.

“Look, Coach, I have a fan,” said Teddy.

Coach sprayed him in the face with the house. “Hush. Let’s see you do some push ups.”

Teddy sighed and got on the ground. He hadn’t done a push up in a years. He got through three and half and fell on the cement.

“Pathetic,” said Coach, shaking his head. “Absolutely pathetic. I don’t know if you’re going to be able to do much more. Let’s see a few sit-ups, Pearson.”

Teddy got on the cement of the deck, which was cool under the shade. His belly protruded. He did a sit up, feeling his stomach squish, and when he laid flat again, Coach sprayed his stomach with the house.

“You have a bit of a hold up there, Pearson. Go again.”

Teddy did another push up and another, and each time Coach sprayed him in the gut when he laid down. After 10, Teddy laid down and said, “That’s all I can do Coach.”

“Disappointing.” Get up and dry yourself off. He threw Teddy the towel from the back of the deck chair. Teddy dried off.

“Now, Pearson, I have set up a small approximation of a college party’s offerings. You are going to practice your manners on how to eat properly. Approach the table.”

Teddy went over to the picnic table on the deck’s side. He looked back at Coach.

“Show me how you eat, Teddy.”

Teddy reached in for a potato chip, opened his mouth and inserted it. He then chomped down and chewed it.

“You fucking liar. Show me how you eat a potato chip.”

Teddy gave a thumbs up to coach. He reached into the bag and grabbed a handful of chips. He reached in, grabbed a large handful of chips, and messily shoved them into his wide-open mouth, as chip bits fell from it.

“You fucking slob.”

“Should I not each like this, Coach?” He reached in for another handful of chips.

“You’re disgusting.”

“Ith jutht tho good, Coachth,” said Teddy, his mouth full, who enjoyed winding Coach up. He swallowed. “I can’t help it.”

“Stop it, Pearson! You’re making a pig of yourself!”

“But the M&M’s!” Said Teddy, lifting up the bag, leaning his head back and dumping it into his mouth. M&M’s spilled around him.

“Your wasting food, you fucking garbage disposal.” Coach remained seated, his dick erect.

“I’m so thirsty,” said Teddy. He turned around to open the two liter bottle, shaking his ass in Coach’s direction as he unscrewed the cap. He put the bottle in mouth and sucked down as much soda as he could manage. The bottle caved in as he downed the beverage.

He pulled the bottle away, processing the tightness of his body working the soda into itself. When he felt the urge to burp, he lifted his head and opened his mouth wide as possible.

“PEARSON!” Said Coach, feigning absolute shock.

“I can’t help it, Coach.” Teddy went back to the chips, stuffing himself between them, the M&M’s and the soda. He stuffed himself as much as he could, spilling food everywhere, and when he could go no longer, he laid down in the mess.

Coach walked over and stood over him. He was still holding the hose.

“You made a fucking mess, Pearson. Now I have to clean all this shit up.”

Teddy moaned. “Oh, Coach.” He put his hand, as if helpless, around Coach’s ankle.

Coach aimed the hose and sprayed all of Teddy down, focusing on the stuffed boy’s stomach.

“How can I let you out now?” Asked Coach.

“Please, Coach,” begged Teddy, as he turned his face away from the hose’s spray. “Please.”

Coach stopped the stream of spray and shook his head. “We’ll see how you do at tomorrow’s training.” He picked up the M&M back and saw that a few stray pieces were left. He dumped it over Teddy. “Might as well enjoy yourself.”

*** The day after the party, Coach pulled up at 1 o’clock to pick up a violently hungover. The boy got into the front seat and reclined the seat all the way back. Coach smiled at him. “How’s my good boy?” asked Coach. 

 “Fuck me, I drank everything.” 

 “Wow, that must be a lot. You have so much more room lately.” 

“I want to die.” 

 Coach patted his stomach. “Not just yet, fatty, I haven’t fed you get.” Coach reached down into the back and pulled out a large paper bag. “This is a breakfast burrito. It should get you through until we’re home.” 

“God bless you.” 

Coach smiled as he drove off. “Did anyone say anything?” 

 “Say anything about what?” asked Teddy, who had brought the seat back up just enough to eat his burrito. 

 “About...you?” “Jesus Christ...” “I’m just asking.” “No one said anything.” Teddy stopped. “This one guy brought me a plate when mine was empty and he got up.” “He did? Grrrr.” 

 “I felt like I was cheating on you.” 

 “You were...but it is just one plate. What did he say?” 

 “He said, ‘I saw your plate was empty. I brought you some more.’” 

 “Do you know him?” “I’d seen him around. I know his friends.” 

 “Did he flirt with you?” “Kinda? He talked to me for a long time.” 

 “Did you tell him you were taken?” 

 “No” 

“Bad, bad boy,” said Coach, somewhat gleefully. 

 “And that was it. We didn’t talk about food, he didn’t call me a slob, he didn’t fucking slap me just ‘cause he felt like it...” 

 “Who does that?” 

 “But yeah, he brought me a plate and talked to me.” Teddy continued to eat his burrito.

 At a stoplight, Coach reached over and rubbed his belly and pinched his emerging love handles. “Sexy, sexy boy. Who wouldn’t bring you food?” 

[vianna-orchidia]

Amusement Park Show - Chapter 1

(this is not proofread)

Location: Light Music Club Room

Koga: ♪ ~ ♪ ~

(It's still winter break, no annoying Vampire Bastard, no confusing twins.)

(I can monopolize this place! I'm gonna let out my rock-n-roll soul... ♪)

Rei: Hoaamm... ♪ What's with the commotion? Is it perhaps time for lunch?

Koga: Wha-...! You! Bastard, don't surprise me like that!

...tch. And here I thought it's only me. You ruined everything.

It's winter break, y'know? At least go home during breaks, what if you get sick for sleeping in your coffin too much?

Rei: Oh, could it be Doggy is concerned about me? Doggy always acts harsh but he's actually a nice kid... ♪

Koga: Aaaargh! Quit lookin' at me like lookin' at your grandchild! You makin' fun of me?

Rei: Sigh, Doggy is such a hot-blooded one. Why don't you ask Ritsu to suck some of your blood?

Koga: Why do I have to get my blood sucked! You brothers really like to make fun of me.

'sides, lately Ritchi only sucks Anzu's blood. In the first place, what's with the whole blood sucking thing?

At class he'd only talk about Anzu. Like usin' her as a hold pillow or as emergency food... Ritchi is totally fond of her.

Rei: It would seem he became captivated after trying a drop of Miss Anzu's blood.

While it is true I hate the rustic taste of blood, I cannot say I'm not intrigued by the taste of this blood that had Ritsu addicted either ♪

Koga: Don't blame me if you throw up after drinking blood. Rather, don't crowd her like that!

Just eat somethin' healthy if you're anemic.

Rei: Hmm, the missy is one formidable girl to have Doggy all over her hands.

Well, without that much backbone she wouldn't have been the "Producer" of Yumenosaki Academy, would she?

Miss Anzu is truly one in a million... ♪

Kaoru: Huuh? Did you just say Anzu? Don't tell me she's here?

Adonis: Hakaze senpai, please don't suddenly stop like that. I ended up bumping into you.

Kaoru: Eew, I'm not happy bumping into guys, you know~?

Adonis: Oh, um. Sorry.

Kaoru: Oh well, this one was my fault. More importantly, Anzu-chan is here? Come out here~ Let's play with this kind oniisan ♪

Rei: Too bad, she is not here. Even if she was, she would have run after that kind of invitation...

Kaoru: Eh, that was bad? It would've worked with other girls though~? Well, I'm not surprised, she's always serious after all.

So that would make her cautious. Okay, I won't scare you off so come out here~ ♪

Rei: I believe I've told you Miss Anzu is not present. Kouru-kun, it's too early to get senile...

Kaoru: Hold on, don't act like you're my elder, it's humiliating.

...but, well, looks like she's really not here. I'd have recognized her smell.

Haaa~ I lost interest because Anzu-chan's not here. Sakuma-san, can I go home?

Rei: To think you're going home just after arriving... Kaoru-kun is such a free spirit...

Koga: Besides, why is Hakaze... senpai and Adonis here? It's not UNDEAD gathering day, right?

Adonis: Didn't you hear from Sakuma-senpai?

Koga: Ha? About what?

Adonis: Hakaze-senpai and I came because Sakuma-senpai said we're going to have a live at the amusement park and there's a meeting for that.

Koga: A live? At the amusement park?

Hey, Vampire Bastard! I haven't heard anything about that!!

Rei: Oh, really?

You were playing the guitar so happily, so I just assumed I must have told you.

My bad, Doggy. It was not my intention to leave you out. Come now, don't sulk... ♪

Koga: Aaaaaah! Don't try to appease me by giving me candies!!

I ain't a brat! Being treated like a dog irritates me, but being treated like a brat is worse!

Kaoru: Calm down, Doggo~ I'll give you a collar if you keep barking.

Koga: Grrrr!!!!

Kaoru: Whoa!? Don't bite me! Violent Doggo~

Adonis: Oogami. You're just playing into Hakaze-senpai's hand if you do that.

Koga: Huff, huff!?

Adonis: Oogami.

Koga: Argh, fine. Lemme cool down a bit.

...thanks, Adonis. You're a good guy ♪

Adonis: That's because I've always been troubling you. If this much is enough, I'll lend a hand anytime.

Koga: Adonis, you're really... ♪

I don't usually make friends with humans, but I'll make an exception for you.

You can be friends with high and mighty me, y'know. Be proud, Adonis ♪

Adonis: ...so you consider me as a friend, Oogami

Kanzaki also called a brute like me as his friend. ...I'm blessed with such good friends.

Kaoru: ...those kids sure get along well

Rei: Are you envious, Kaoru-kun? Let's learn from them, shall we... ♪

Kaoru: Stop that. I'm not interested in getting along with guys, okay~?

It's just, I might understand what Kanata-kun meant when he said his juniors were cute. Even though until recently I only thought they were brats.

Both Doggo and Adonis-kun, they are more obedient than they look, right? If they are as cheeky as they look, who's gonna feel affectionate?

I joined UNDEAD because we all can do what we want freely, but lately there's this feeling of unity somewhere huh...

Even though I used to hate and think that it's troublesome

Now I can feel it's not so bad, I wonder why. I don't hate it as much... ♪

[koganphrancis]

Actual footage of Ian trying to wake up his dick.

Season H8 Episode 3: Where Everything’s Made Up And The Points Don’t Matter

The good(ish) news about this week’s episode is that compared to last week’s, nothing hurt all that much and no groups of innocent people were shamed.  

The bad news is-it still sucked.  It was written by the evil Krista Vernoff and had very little to do with what had gone on the week before.  Ian and Terror, in particular, seemed to have no connection with what happened in the last episode (except we saw a shot of Ian’s shitty tattoo at the end).

Since the demon show is continuing at least one more season, I wish they’d force writers to read the scripts they didn’t write, instead of (I’m assuming) just getting summaries or following general ideas on the white board.

Anyway, almost all the troubles the gang was facing last week disappeared as if by magic-or really crappy script writing.

Svetlana and Vee made up in less than 30 seconds.  While I’m glad for Svetlana, what was the point of even having her “impounded” for such a short time?  And the authorities are just going to drop the whole sex trade excuse Vee used to have her taken into custody?  And I guess maybe this will set up tension when they’re all working together at the bar again-but maybe not?  It was dumb.  

Kev had a bunch of DNA testing done-um, how are they going to pay for that?-and found out he’s Bart from Kentucky and his family tree only has one branch.  Can’t wait to see where this inbred storyline is going (please read that in a very sarcastic tone).  Last week’s bears are about to be replaced by next week’s hicks, maybe.  Smell that comedy gold!  

Youens plowed his car into a house and even that-or the threat of prison-wasn’t enough of a wake up call to try to return to sobriety.  (Why is he off the wagon after getting Lip on it?  I’m pretty sure Krista didn’t bother to write a reason, or maybe I was so bored I missed it.)  The main thing I took away from this part of the story was when Youens says if he had killed the woman in the house with his car, he would’ve gotten 20 years for vehicular homicide.  Really?  And Mickey got 15 for NOT killing a woman who was shooting at him when the cops showed up?  And with no physical evidence or witness testimony that he had tried to kill Sammi?  Wow, ain’t that a bitch?

Neil dumped Debbie (something Snore and Terror can’t seem to do with their Gallaghers) and told her she’s a horrible person.  When Debbie repeats that to her family, none of them even question it or try to tell her she’s not.  

Liam was barely in it.

Frank is all into this mellow “I’m a saint” thing now and it’s just zzzz.  

Fiona gets a tenant for the empty apartment, but the evil gf of Nessa is waiting on the staircase in her daisy dukes when he comes out from seeing the place and lies to him about bedbugs so Fi will rent the place to her friends, but for less money.  Cuz all these coincidences could totally happen-from her friends needing a place to Mel being on the spot when the one qualified renter comes to see the place.  Later Fi goes all South Side on Mel and it was so damn boring.  Rumbling over an apartment rental?  Yawn.

No Snore in this episode, but Lip does mention how he can’t even take care of Lucas anymore, so I’m betting we don’t see the kid ever again again.  It’s no big loss to the show, but it’s so stupid that Snore has no problems/struggles raising a kid on her own.   

Carl loses the hot tub (has to sell it for quick cash-or the meth dealer took it-I wasn’t paying close enough attention-he’s there when it’s taken away and he takes Carl’s towel from around his neck and that was actually kinda funny), and somehow (magic?) knows how to drive and operate a backhoe.  That someone left the keys in at the cemetery.  Krista, how many coincidences am I supposed to swallow?  Not to mention the rip off of Ian stealing the helicopter?  Get some fresh ideas!  You also have had them dig up a dead relative before.  

Now for Ian who every week is truly this show’s blank slate.  Last week he was acting like maybe he was manic-this week?  No sign of that.  Things start with a family-except for Fiona-council of war about the drug dealer that’s after them, and we get a new piece of Ian canon-he was a crack (or some other drug that Monica was using-Frank doesn’t specify) baby.  Ian tells Frank if he doesn’t help them figure out a way to get out of the shit they’re in with the drug dealer, Ian will take a tire iron to “old Frank”.  Frank says, “You’ve been a drama queen since the day you were born, Ian.  Wouldn’t stop screaming until you were fully detoxed.”  Ian does one of his stunned big blink looks, and the story moves, well not ON, but people keep talking.  

Oh, and just a side note, but Ian’s been shown drinking coffee at least twice in the Gallagher kitchen this season, and the cock mug is nowhere to be seen :(  

Next scene is Ian walking into Terror’s office area, all cocky.  “Brought you that chocolate flavored soy shit you like, then there’s coffee.”  (I’m not sure exactly what he says after “like” and Charter/Spectrum cable doesn’t communicate with my TV so the close captioning doesn’t work-don’t get me started on how I have to use different remotes to do different things.)  Terror says, “With a side of snark just how I like it,” in the most annoying, whiny voice possible.  WHAT is Ian supposed to see in him?  And, was that comment all that snarky?  And, should Ian be having what’s at least his second dose of caffeine on his meds?  

If I’m going to count how many times they needed Mickey in this episode, the meeting about how to deal with the drug dealer was one, Ian and his coffee intake is two, what fucking Terror says next is three...

“Thought you had to work today.”  NO!  Terror does not know or care about Ian’s schedule!  That was a Mickey thing and a Mickey thing only!  Ian LIES to everyone else about when he’s at work!  And so far in canon, Terror is way too into himself to know where or when Ian ever works.  Grrrr.

Ian says, “Soon, yeah.  So... that drug dealer that chased me?  Can’t seem to shake it off, don’t know what’s wrong with me.”  And he says it all small and scared-after walking into the place boasting about his cafe purchases-I don’t like how they keep having Ian’s moods change on a dime-especially since again, I just think it’s bad writing and not trying to tell the audience he’s slipping or anything’s wrong.  

Anyway, Mickey thought #4-Ian seems to be acting like if there’s something wrong, Terror will get into being his hero and fixing things for him, LIKE MICKEY USED TO DO ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  So, not only so much for “this isn’t me anymore” (which is so hard to take with all this running from killer meth dealers shit), but also WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU CAN’T FIX ME BECAUSE I’M NOT BROKEN?  (more of that in a minute)

Terror just smirks at his computer after Ian’s lines and Ian says, “You laughing at me?”  Terror answers, “Only cuz it’s still hard for me to tell when you’re joking-are you serious?”  And, WTF?  When has Ian EVER joked with Terror?  “I’m into cock. I’m a top.  I don’t want that up my ass.  I don’t want to hang out with Monica.  I told you I didn’t want to hang out with Monica.  I was with Mickey.”  Have they had any other conversations?  Has Ian ever said anything he didn’t mean to this asshat?  

Ian doesn’t answer, just sort of shrugs to answer the are you serious.  Terror says, “Wow, well nothing’s wrong with you.  I think it’s probably hard for a normal person to shake off a drug dealer chasing them.”   Ian says, “Gallaghers are not generally normal humans.”   T: Grief can change people. I: What? T: Ah, grief.  I mean, your mother died.  It changes you.  Maybe you should talk to the counselor.  (Krista!  We went over this ground LAST week and, while that should’ve been Terror’s advice then, it wasn’t, and why isn’t this story going anywhere, ever?) I: (creeplily turns the conversation into a come on) I’d rather talk to you. (Sits up, leans in towards Terror)  In fact, I’d rather do something with you that doesn’t involve talking. T: (closing down immediately and going cold) Ah, well, sorry, I’m busy trying to help out at risk youth.

So, yeah, that should’ve been his reaction LAST week-wtf?  It’s truly like last week never happened.  I wanted Terror to reply to that “I don’t feel like talking” call back in Mickey’s bedroom with, “Bitch, I just got you laid last week!  I’m never gonna sleep with you again, so there’s the door.”  But, no.  And Ian going from “I’m sad, please help it” to seductive or whatever the hell they think it is, is just...OOC and not attractive and as always, their total lack of chemistry makes everything worse.  But now that Terror has said no for the millionth time, it’s really coming off as rapey whenever Ian tries.  

Then, before he even starts his shift at work, Sue tells him his “uncle” was there looking for him and describes the meth guy, so Ian goes tearing out of the EMT station with Sue yelling after him that he has a shift.  If he STILL has his job after this 18th strike or whatever he’s up to...well, I won’t be surprised at all because Shameless has given up on reality more than ever and Gallaghers never get into any real trouble.  

There’s the scene at the hot tub with the guy dunking Carl and Ian trying to protect him with the bat, and then there’s another meeting to try to figure out what to do because they only have $9000 left from all the meth Carl sold, so finally they cave and go talk to Fiona and there’s a painful scene where she makes them admit she was right-which in this case she actually was, but in other cases she’s fucked up just as badly as they have-plus I’m NEVER forgiving her for saying Mickey would set a match to Ian’s life-what about what he’s managing all on his own since he’s been back?  What about the fact that Mickey did everything he could to always keep Ian safe and happy once he was back from the army?  Grrrrr.  

Anyway, the family digs up Monica and Krista waves her fairy wand again and has the meth dealer listen to Frank’s reasoning that half the meth belonged to Monica so them coming up with almost half the money is good enough-and that if the meth guy ever goes near his family again he’ll put him in the ground with Monica.  Yeah, meth dealers are known for compromising and listening to ownership rights theories.  And who wouldn’t be threatened by old broken-down Frank?  Eye roll.  

Anyway, Ian returns to the cemetery alone to try to put Monica’s headstone back together, but the pieces fall apart and he sits hard on his bum.  The camera’s behind him-and his shitty tattoo-so who knows if he’s crying or finally giving in to the fact that she’s dead and gone or what, but I won’t be surprised if he’s now completely over her death and ready to become a brand new man-yet again-next week.  Which is the episode where Ian supposedly crosses a boundary with a teen from the youth center.  Will his months of no sex except last week’s blowjob lead to him having sex with a teen?  Probably not, but cripes, what else could it be?