#Everything I learned about modding was used mainly for self-indulgent purposes

[flame2ashes]

You’ve seen me mod a specific romance’s scene to make it about John and Kaidan, now get ready for: me modding a specific romance’s scene to make it about John and Kaidan again

(John’s outfit: x)

[mooglesorts]

man. it's weird, because there's a lot of things about me that are Very Badger Primary, to the point where i would probably pick it with a strong bird model over anything else at this point... except that i hate dehumanization. i saw primaries described recently as 'things you wouldn't be you anymore if you went against,' and more than just about anything else that's it. even when i think people are monsters, i can't see them as not human; i'd be hard put to define exactly what i consider a 'monster,' but it's more about like. good faith than personhood, i suppose?

it's not necessarily a permanent status to be one--people can change--but my deeply held instinct is that once you have done something monstrous you will always be a person who has been a monster by your own choices, and that it's your duty to learn how to accept that while still living your life, and act accordingly from thereon out. you have to reconcile that you are a person with the fact that some doors are closed to you now, and it's up to you to decide what you do from there.

just. like. even when i hate someone and as far as i'm concerned they can go fuck themself, even in the multiple Heavily Badger social environments i've been in over the course of my life--church, progressive circles, the way the structure of the internet kind of just affects you in general--even on occasions where i've gotten swept away and given in to the pressure to dehumanize (or perform it) for a minute, there's always, always been a voice in the back of my head saying this is a person. this is a person. this is a person. this isn't right.

unintentional dehumanization sets off my '...should we really be doing this? we are getting into not good territory here, it's time to pull up and start questioning' alarms. explicit, intentional, purposeful dehumanization sets off the whole ass tornado sirens. if people on my side are doing it it's enough to throw me into a system-destabilizing crisis, because NO NO NO I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE, I WANT NO PART OF THESE PEOPLE'S MORAL SYSTEM, I FEEL UNCLEAN. it's a good way to make sure i will never, ever, ever trust someone again.

things that are Really Really Badger, off the top of my head (after the cut because Long and trauma talk):

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-i've always loved playing adoptable games, pet simulators, etc? any game with randomly generated characters that are Yours Now and a Community, in a deeply badgery way. including games where they can die (the satisfying part is making sure they don't). except that, no matter how much fun the gameplay is, if it gets to the point where they start feeling disposable, and the only way to really keep playing is to stop humanizing them, i lose interest. it's super fucking depressing. it feels like part of me dying inside a little. i don't like it at all.

-i've always been drawn to fandoms and roleplaying communities. i was fiercely loyal to, and proud of, my first rp community on dragoncave as a 13-year-old. when my abusive mom found out about it and completely isolated me for half a year, the promise of being able to make it back to them--just sneakier this time--kept me going; when i finally got back and the group had drifted apart in my absence, it.... was absolutely devastating. i never really recovered from it. even then, i spent years trying to get the group back together every now and then, until i finally gave up.

-i am always keenly, painfully aware of the life cycle of a community. every time i hear the sentiment 'you guys are all great and i love this group' my stomach drops, because i know it's only a matter of time before things go sour or the group dissolves. rp groups, skype chats/discord servers, fandoms, you name it, i am always bracing myself or staying away entirely to avoid the inevitable and it hurts. and it hurts to see people taking part in a community i don't dare be part of, which makes lurking in fandoms... really rough. frankly, it takes me a lot of courage every time i express my appreciation for the shc community because i've been burned so many times.

-on that note: i went through some really traumatic stuff at the end of 2020 that completely turned my life upside down, and i was doing bad until i stumbled across the shc community. the moment i started engaging, it was a huge boost to my mental health, and my ability to cope with circumstances under which i was about to break down spectacularly. and it has been ever since! contributing to The Group Project and seeing other folks being friendly with each other gives me the happy feelings.

-i used to go out of my way to build and run spaces, mainly fandom and rp spaces, and took a lot of pride in engineering them so that they Functioned Well. unfortunately it wore me the hell down over the years for Burnt Badger Reasons, and now i'm too jaded, bitter, and exhausted to give a shit about being a mod/community leader anymore because of it lmao

-among those burnt badger things i relate HARD to the Red Ledger narrative. hoo boy.

-i wish i could find it again, but there was an mlp comic i saw once which went into luna's observations of what each element of harmony Means. with the element of friendship, she says that twilight has a massive amount of love to give; right now it's all focused on celestia, but when she learns to expand it outward she'll have grown into her full potential as a person, and she'll change the world. that struck a chord with how i used to feel, hard, and it's really stuck with me ever since. (hello, unhealthy snake model)

-emphasis on 'used to feel,' lmao

-got super invested in a really toxic '''mental health''' community at a low point in my life; exploded HARD trying to help everyone i could; got into vicious, protracted fights with the shitty mods for years about the harmful way they ran their community until i finally managed to go 'fuck this it's not getting better' and leave.

-had to numb myself emotionally to the people around me for a long time once i really started learning about mental health and trauma stuff, because now i was seeing signs of their pain and baggage everywhere i looked, and i couldn't handle not being able to help.

-the imagery with which i think about my bird primary is overwhelmingly negative. whether it's my actual primary or a model, i uh. i feel like a healthy relationship to one's primary doesn't involve associating it with gore.

-i saw a conversation recently about how birds think of morality in terms of 'if you can, you should,' and how that's scary for badgers because their definition of 'can' involves destroying yourself for the sake of that 'should,' and... yeah, that's a mood. that's a BIG mood. thinking about bird primary stuff is hard--and i had to pick up my lion model to deal with it--because it's so easy for me to spiral into a self-shredding spiral of other people are counting on you to do the right thing, how dare you pull back for your own health and sanity. how dare you turn your back for even a minute. how dare you rest. the work is never done.

which is... a very exploded badger approach to exploded bird morality. whoops.

-fix-it and time travel fiction in which Everything Went Right This Time and It's Going to Be Okay are one of my very favorite self-indulgent fantasies. i will enjoy putting characters through the wringer in all kinds of creatively horrific ways which may or may not end on a downer note, certainly, i love that shit, but i will also 90% of the time have a backup version of the arc or dynamic that's softer and lighter and Actually Healthy This Time. it's the dichotomy there that really gets me tbh, a story where Everything Ends Happily by default will mmmaybe pull me in? but stories where there's the constant shadow of this could end horribly, it's supposed to end horribly, and we got a happy fucking ending anyway are just... that shit will make me cry, man.

it's also why i kind of really hate stable time loop stories where it initially looks like this is going to be The Good Timeline this time around, but OOPSIE everything went to shit anyway! we're right back where we started, just like it was meant to be all along! it's a tired cliche by this point and an unsatisfying one for me, and it makes me roll my eyes every time.

-this is relevant to the bird vs. badger because like... my gut instinct is to prioritize people over systems. when shit hits the fan, when someone's fallen into the machinery and is about to get hurt, i don't feel right about it if i just let it happen. i'll break the machinery if i have to to keep it away from them; i won't feel great about that, and it might cause problems, but fuck it, we'll figure it out later. throwing people into the gears of a system when i'm convinced it's the only option makes me feel Awful.

-related to the above, another trope that really speaks to me in fiction is when a character defies the rules of reality through sheer force of will. no, this is not happening, i don't give a shit what the limits are supposed to be. i refuse to let this be the way things are. (there's that lion model.)

-i've just kind of... always wanted to be an Everyone Badger. it makes me sad how much of that i've lost over the years as i've gotten more cynical, but it's what i wish i could be.

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doubtless i'll think of more the moment i hit send, and there are just as many things about me that are Super Bird Primary, but like... mamma mia that's some spicy badger. the main thing stopping me is the Can't and Refuse to Dehumanize bit. i also... hm. i think i can function okay without a community? they just help a lot, and it sucks when i'm confronted with one i don't have a (stable) place in. any thoughts? is it possible for a bird system's foundation to run so deep that eventually it overrides the bird?

[thatheathen]

“Seize the day. Then set it on fire.”

We are living in that cyberpunk dystopia now, the very type Philip K. Dick warned us that could happen and is slowly creeping its way into our personal lives/minds and that's mainly due to big internet providers and the fascist governments whipped by corporations hijacking all modes of freedom even virtual freedoms. everything is connected in the system the ruling class decided and you are a slave with in that caste system until you die. oh gee fun. 

I feel bad for the devs that are forced to time crunch for this month. CD Projekt RED better compensate their workers for pushing this game out for them greedy selfish CEOs who are attached to this game that will no doubt be a hit and make tons of money, but at what cost? video game developers need to desperately unionize before its too late to even do so as most triple A games are made by wealthy liberal and or centrist elites who pretend to be progressive but actually hate unions, socialism, sharing, comradery, solidarity, grassroots fund raising cuz that’s all anti-capitalist and bad you see.  

There is no ethical consumption under capitalism and that's exactly what cyberpunk is; it's a genre of unchained sci-fi yeah but it's also showing capitalism on steroids, corporations gone rogue and eating up all the earth's resources just to produce enough power and energy to run a whole city now requires a while country of power to push harder and harder to keep that light pollution at the maximum. animals should be going completely extinct in a cyberpunk future, what do humans even eat? 

To my mind cyberpunk should be about breaking away from cultural programming that makes us hate each other, fight and kill, it always boils down to those who have and those who have not social structure. That's a lot like Feudalism and a false sense of safety for all people. Cyber-feudalism is how it's structured underneath the veil. “Seize the day. Then set it fire.” 

Cyberpunk seems like a countercultural idea within the hyper-capitalist world that's still very male dominant. The feminine exist only to tantalize the masses, domestic females to slaves of profits and glamour. The brutal police forces ignoring human rights laws daily. Journalism is remotely impossible. So is the world of cyberpunk really a world of freedom and choices? Cyberpunk can be seen as a connection of like minded folk hungry for freedom and not need to fall into crime to survive. For many that’s the world you’re forced to live in or die in. rights are not natural handed from god, they are taken. cyber-rights seems like a fruitless fight in a hyper-cyber-capitalist reality; big brothers eyes everywhere. mass surveillance that would make PKD’s jaw drop.  cyberpunk-world cops are thugs beyond what we could imagine and could kill you on sight if they chose and nobody will care or not be able to do anything. nobodies memories can be trusted unless you express a certain class. all the punks, rejects, anarchists, anti-corporation, hackers, etc. are all outsiders, terrorist suspects. Every queer person or Muslim or any kind of marginalized group of that era is vulnerable as the system doesn’t favor them nor see a reason to protect them, with fascist-leaning politicians WANTING certain groups of people to literally die out. Those who struggle in any unequal world are going to be feeling the most pain. Lots of pain may mean; drug addiction to numb this awful reality, mod addiction to be less human maybe or change your identity completely. Lots of pain could also mean lots of anger towards the system and the state that’s making life so miserable for the 90% the citizens who have no power. cyberpunk 2077s idea is an “anything-goes” kinda place. here’s a sci-fi GTA/Witcher3 sandbox about a fucked up capitalist future that’s super fun and action packed!! It’s okay it’s not real though. Meanwhile capitalism as it exists today is grinding down the working class including the Dev employees working on Cyberpunk as I type this. long hours for the same pay. was it worth it? will it be worth it? will cyberpunk be the GAME that will end labor abuse in the gaming industry? 

People who are different, people who reject authority and anti-human social constructs, people who are spiritual without an organized religion, people so different and taboo to where the ruling elites see them as a threat, mocking those gross punks/queers/dissidents, but love their style and aesthetic because the rich have no soul and ZERO creativity. stealing is what rich assholes do best. rich people steal everyone’s aesthetic claiming it as their own and you begin to see YOUR aesthetic in the media regardless if it's offensive, it’s just unfettered anarcho-capitalist-land, there's no more restrictions to anything really. like ayn rand vision that would result in Bioshock’s world. that was a steampunk nightmare to an extent. point being the rich can do anything. money is power and it only matters to those who thirst for power. Many people just deal with money and hate at the same time cuz what other choice do people have? Poor people get no choices and all the bad days.

The rich and powerful will indulge in the vices of the poor to get another experience; meanwhile the real poor struggle to survive in this electronic hell world and your only choices are to fight and kill these hyper-corporations that run the planet's economy basically and that sucks. seems prophetic in a way to see what the future would be like if capitalism still stood and there was business as usual. I think a true dystopian cyberpunk world is full of dark skies and contagious air due to the extreme pollution i.e. climate change the previous generations of humans ignored and still ignore because profits and luxury and drugs and opulence and legacies and authoritarian rule is far more important to uphold you see. "human nature" is always condescendingly professed as an argument killer to why capitalism is the only way because hooomons are deep down real mean and violent... which is not true. 

Human infants literally can't live without being held and nurtured in a healthy environment. Humans are wired to love and communicate. humans lived a long time cuz they worked together. Humans lived even longer when they learned to domesticate animals leading to agriculture. only in the last 20,000 years have humans begun to grow their ego and misunderstand its message and purpose. fascists and billionaires take advantage of human minds and fool people into thinking there's no other way to live. it's a fucking lie. human beings are disconnected with nature. wires and cables are not non-nature, those are materials derived from nature. everything is nature, but not everything is natural like human concepts fabricated by civilizations.

“Deleuze and Guattari describe capitalism as a kind of dark potentiality which haunted all previous social systems. Capital, they argue, is the ‘unnamable Thing’, the abomination, which primitive and feudal societies ‘warded off in advance’. When it actually arrives, capitalism brings with it a massive desacralization of culture. It is a system which is no longer governed by any transcendent Law; on the contrary, it dismantles all such codes, only to re-install them on an ad hoc basis.” ― Mark Fisher, Capitalist Realism: Is There No Alternative?

I want a cyberpunk game where it's a good kind compassionate civilization, a star trek like society, full of infinite exploration into the cosmos and into our minds... I want a cyberpunk world worth protecting, protecting the people from sneaky politicians (demagogues) and authoritarian thugs ready to install the capitalist religion of endless self-destruction and pain. remnants of evil scatter and reform, we must always help people who struggle under capitalisms spell.

[totaldramafan-lauri]

RPing and me

This is gonna be a vent post about something that happened today, and it gets into stuff that happened in the past, so if you don’t care about that, don’t read.

As I’ve alluded to in a few past posts, I have an RPing background (it’s where my typing style came from, heheh XD). I used to RP all the flipping time when I was a teenager, and was a part of many groups over the years, RPing characters in a few different fandoms. But, after a certain incident, that I’ll get into later, I....haven’t done it in years. I was super discouraged to, and....kinda afraid to, to be honest. I-I know it sounds stupid, but....yeah.

But recently, thanks to the Discord server I’ve endlessly gushed about, I’ve been kinda easing myself back into it.....m-mainly for indulgence purposes, sure, but that’s kinda the point of the server.....And I’ve even become interested in diving into the stuff....I, er, never tried before....And so far, I’ve had a pretty good time. They’re not serious RPs, and usually they aren’t all that long, but the fact that my new friends are willing to....i-indulge me like that, even a little....m-makes me very happy.....>/////<

So, last night, a friend on Discord had started an RP with me. And.....it was getting really good....like, it was going in a direction that I really....was excited about. But.....then, they stopped it. All of a sudden, with no warning....they gave a reason for it, and sounded really sincere, so I’m not mad at them at all, but....it still stung. Getting excited over something and then very suddenly being let down has aaaalways been a weakness of mine.....and with this in particular....I cried. I actually, physically cried. And I immediately hated myself for it. I began beating on myself for overreacting, which led to me blaming myself for.....pretty much everything. I thought that maybe they were lying, maybe it was because of ME. Like, I was just THAT boring.

It led to a downward spiral of self-loathing that I vented to everyone about, and they thankfully helped me feel better, but.....geez, what a way for that to happen. What a stupid flipping thing to be the catalyst for a breakdown, right? XD

Well....it also reminded me of why I stopped RPing. Because I was scared of stuff like this. Not just RPs I like being dropped, but me reacting like THAT. I know all too well about being so invested in an RP, the feelings for a character being so overwhelmingly strong that you just want it to keep going, and then everything screeching to a halt so fast that you can practically hear a record scratch in the background.....and then finding out that you were the only one having fun.

The last RP group I was in, when I was 17-18....I won’t give away the fandom or the website cuz I wanna keep details vague, just in case some of the people somehow ended up here....I was absolutely in love with this group, and the story we had created. I spent so many nights with them, RPing or even just talking OOC. We even had a nice schedule where we would RP on a specific three nights of the week. The story was really intense and emotional, and it had took many exciting turns over the year....My OC even ended up in a relationship with the character I was crushing on, and I didn’t even ask for it, it just happened. Sometimes, people would plan out stuff around my character without me to leave me in suspense, and it worked every single time. So, naturally, I was very very content with everything. But then, people started to drift....at first, I thought it was because of school and other IRL stuff, and didn’t think much of it, but THEN....after about a year of fun times....

The mods came to a decision to.....restart the RP from scratch. It was completely outta nowhere, and naturally, I....didn’t respond too well. I BROKE DOWN. I asked, over and over, why, why would you do this, why would you erase everything we’ve built, why would you act like it never happened, there’s gotta be another way to renew interest that DOESN’T involve that.....And the answers I got just made it worse.

To put it simply: People were unhappy with the way things were going. Things had become too dark and dramatic, and they wanted things to be more lighthearted. To rub salt in the wound, everyone else was perfectly fine with this RP reset, despite the fact that it would be leaving the old RP ending on a cliffhanger. It was just ME who was freaking out.

That’s when it hit me that.....yeah, I was the only one who was still having fun.

I....took that part pretty hard. I began thinking back to everything that happened, evaluating the way everyone acted, looking for ANY signs that I should’ve noticed sooner....I recalled a couple instances of me expressing interest in certain plots....and distaste in certain others. I recalled me saying things like “I don’t like that” and thinking it was fine for me to say that because I wasn’t explicitly ASKING them not to do it. I recalled a few times where I would act out or have a meltdown when an RP session would get cancelled. I recalled a few times where an RPer would quit and only come back if certain things became closer to canon, and me making passive aggressive comments toward them....

And I realized.....the problem was me. The reason no one was having fun anymore was me. The reason everything had to be reset was because of me. Everyone had done so much to make me happy, and I hadn’t even considered thinking about how they felt. I had only thought about what I wanted. And the more things went my way, the more invested I got....Everyone was too nice to tell me I was acting like a spoiled brat.

I tried to keep going after the reset, but couldn’t do it. Not only did it leave a sour taste in my mouth, but there were a crapload of new rules put in place (some of which that I just plain didn’t agree with) that ensured the story wouldn’t go to a dark place (which, again, I had liked) again.

And....ever since then, I....I really started checking and double-checking myself for manipulative behaviors. I was even told by someone that it sounded like I was “manipulating” everyone, and having that said to me really hurt. It was never my intention, but....was I really a manipulative person? Was I really.....selfishly forcing people to pay attention to me? Because I got too invested in the RP?...

So...that’s why I never joined another group. Finding out that I basically ruined my last one and I didn’t find out until it was too late hurt too much....There were TIMES I’d try again, but it always had me thinking, over and over, “How does the other person feel? Are they having as much fun as me?” and feeling guilty whenever I’d get invested because of that.

I never want any RP partners to feel bored or uncomfortable with me ever again....Put those worries together with my usual low self-esteem, and....yeah.

Getting back into RPing recently has been good for the most part, but....Now and then, I get reminded of the things that made me stop. The worries of bothering people, of not feeling like I’m worth anyone’s time, of not wanting them to deal with my crap...of people getting sick of me......of not wanting things like that to happen again.....

Last night, I got reminded of the person I used to be, who had gotten so addicted to RPing that she no longer considered that the people she was playing with were actual people with feelings.

I never wanna become that person again.

At least I learned from that experience. I’ll give myself that much.