#Every time I look outside I feel sooooo bleak.

[stormratyaps]

Hi, it's 4:16 am. I forgot to cancel my dentist appointment yesterday. I think I also forgot to take my meds. But I'm not sure. They don't work anyway though. I went to school yesterday and lied to our principal/head of department (whatsitcalledidk) and said I am feeling great and way less disabled and that my meds are really working and that it doesn't matter that I am homeless and I would like to stay in school. Only the last part is true. I kept thinking 'he can see by my eyes that I'm dissociated off my ass, can't he?' He put me on a trial period. If I don't super smash bros TM this coming block of 6 weeks, I can't stay. Him and the student councelor kept bringing up 'the consequenses' and I just kept nodding and saying I understand and that I will put in the work. Meanwile I am homeless, my anxiety is worse than ever, I know the teacher hates me and has said a bunch of ableist shit about me (she thinks it's not worth educating me bcs I am too disabled to thrive in the career field anyways, and appearantly a bunch of teachers agree with her sooooo Cool Nice Way to go) and now I know I have to mask heavily in order to be accepted at this school But I barely survived those 60 minutes of masking in the meeting, I know I can't do it full time, I'm gonna be discovered immediately - I mean someone will see right through it, right? I lost my masking skills a while ago and it took my whole c-ptsd pussy to mask in this one meeting. It only worked bcs I was feeling Threatened TM (although most of the time when I feel threatened I scream and kick so ;// stroke of luck I guess). Everything is dependant on this trial period, not only the career prospects and education I'm passionate about, but also finanically it matters a Big Deal that I stay in school, so I receive a sum of money from goverment (idk what its called) for being in school and studying , and whitout that money my parents can't pay for an appartment for me, which I need because of many reasons one of them being that the appartment would make it possible for me to commute to school every day without dying active death from the 5h commute from my parents house, BUt Also, and more importantly (by a fucking stretch) I do not feel safe at my parents house and will literally consider any other option before having to move back in with them bcs they're manipulative and transphobic and there exists no privacy in their house. Literally. There are no doors, some of the walls are broken out, etc. I would even stay outside all night getting no sleep from fear before I go back. If I don't stay in school, I have to work, which I cannot do, because I am disabled. But I cannot prove that I am disabled, because I have no diagnoses, and I cannot get a diagnosis, because it costs thousands of shiny monniemonnie coins. I have no idea what to do, my future looks insanely bleak, I don't have a trusted adult I can talk to. I used to talk to the student counselor or my teachers but they're not on my side clearly.

Let alone the fact that not having a purpose in life, like studying or working, is absolutely depressing and isolating. I feel so so so so so abandoned and lost. My partner has very similar problems, she is homeless too, and disabled like me. Her symptoms have been worse than I've ever seen and I can't help her. I feel worried sick about her like she does about me.

I don't see a future for myself. I don't see it.

[batarella]

The Commander - Part 13 (Arkham Knight x Reader)

ANOTHER ONE OF MY FAVORITES. I had so much fun looking back at Arkham Knight playthroughs and following the flow of this scene. HOPE YOU ENJOY.

WORDS: 3648 WARNINGS: SPOILERS FOR ARKHAM KNIGHT VIDEO GAME (CLOUDBURST SCENE) AND SOOOOO MUCH ANGST. I RECOMMEND WATCHING A PLAYTHROUGH IF YOU HAVEN’T PLAYED THE GAME 

Masterlist

THE COMMANDER - MASTERLIST

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“Commander Y/N.”

It was Scarecrow’s voice in her communicator. They’d just arrived at Gotham. By now, he should be at Ace Chemicals. “I’m in the middle of something, Crane.”

“I thought of what you can do, so your relationship with the Knight will not be such a… predicament…”

“I have no relationship with him.”

“Didn’t you and the Knight share an intimate moment at the Dark Knight’s cave?”

She almost dropped the gun, her mouth slightly parted but was too horrified to speak. She was in the middle of taking her men into their base at the department store. And even so, she stopped walking. “I told you. I have eyes.”

“What the hell do you want from me?”

“You control the Cloudburst tonight.”

“We reached that decision days ago, you dirt rag.”

Crane’s voice sounded like he breathed into her ear even closer.

“But it shall be the Arkham Knight that the Batman thinks is manning the tank.”

Her rifle almost dropped to the ground. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“I am the kind of man who wants every possibility planned out.”

“Are you even a man, Crane?”

“The Batmobile is not what we’d expected.”

“Expected?”

“It’s much stronger. It’s destroyed a number of my drones just outside my station at Ace Chemicals.  Tell me, Commander, what happens if the Dark Knight manages to destroy the Cloudburst?”

She remembered. They had this perfectly planned out. She, Jason, Scarecrow, and Deathstroke all agreed on the same.

First, before anything else, they kidnap Barbara Gordon. If the Cloudburst fails to release the toxin, the Knight will go after the commissioner, James Gordon, who will by then be looking for the Arkham Knight after taking his daughter.

They will then use the Commissioner to gain them access into the Panessa Studios, which according to Jason, is one of Batman’s many hideouts. Whoever is in the studios that they can use to their advantage, they will take them.

It goes on from there.  The commissioner will then serve as a hostage to force Batman to surrender, if everything else falls into place.

“Kidnap the commissioner,” she said.

“The Dark Knight destroying the cloudburst has become more of a possibility than what we’ve thought, but as way to counter that, taking Batman himself, injecting that fear onto his bloodstream whilst I unmask him for the world to see, that does just as much damage to Gotham as my fear toxin.”

“And how am I supposed to help you with that?”

“I’m afraid your Knight has miscalculated. He needs far more than a few hours to get Gordon and hack into the studios. If Batman thinks it is the Arkham Knight manning the Cloudburst, he will no longer be looking for him after it has been destroyed. It will give us the time we need to kidnap Gordon and his allies,” he said.. “Otherwise, Batman will track the Knight down before we’ve done so much.”

“You seem to have these awfully planned out, Crane. For someone who thought the Cloudburst was such a prize.”

Crane let out an eerie, maniacal laugh beneath his breath.

“I am a very calculated man, Commander. Engulfing Gotham City in my reign of fear can only hold so long if the Batman continues to defend her. Unmasking him, humiliating him for the world to see, that will be the assurance I need so that the next time I release my toxin, I will be sure no one can stop me.”

She could almost feel Scarecrow’s syringes against her neck, and she stood stiff, her eyes locked onto the abandoned department store.

“It shouldn’t make much of a difference. So unless you make sure the Cloudburst isn’t destroyed, give your precious Knight the time he needs to succeed.”

Xxxxxx

The Cloudburst drove out from the tunnels.

She was alone, and the air in the cockpit was eerily cold. The Commander pulled out from one of the compartments something she’d prepared earlier that night.

A visor identical to the Arkham Knight’s.

If all else fails, at least Jason will still have a shot.

She took off her white mask, looked straight into the optics, then set it aside.

The visor was heavy, and it weighed on her neck so much she could topple at any more movement. And it was hot. Y/N had trouble to even breathe. She stretched her shoulders and pressed on her communicator, the one Jason gave her.

“Jason.”

Her voice. It sounded precisely like his. Filtered, unidentifiable, and foolproof.

“Where the hell did you get that visor?”

“Calm down. If I were you I’d take off your own visor. Batman only needs to see and hear mine.”

Their two voice were hurtful to hear on each ends of the communicator. She heard him take off his helmet, and with his real voice, he didn’t sound any happier.

“What are you trying to do, Commander?”

“Ask Scarecrow. This was his idea.”

She heard him curse, then his comms turned off and the Commander continued with maneuvering the tank out onto the streets. Out of Founder’s, and into Perdition Bridge. This will be where she releases the toxin.

There were street thugs, running out of the way, while still keeping their eyes on what was about to happen. Other than that, Gotham was empty. The Cloudburst paraded across the bridge.

“Do it,” she heard Scarecrow’s voice.

She closed her eyes, and all she could see was her uncle’s face.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Commander Y/N turned off the ventilation, made sure the oxygen tanks were in power, then signaled for the Cobra tanks to stand guard.

Her hand sweating on the lever, the Commander pulled on the cylinder, turned it exactly 50 degrees, then pushed.

The visor did much to mask the noise. But she was used to it. What she wasn’t used to was the explosion that came directly in front of her.

It was much like a bomb, and the massive blow of the toxin, in the form of smoke, tore up into the sky and sucked up any form of air in its way. It blew out all across her, over the water under the bridge and out into all three islands of Gotham. It was like a sandstorm, crushing anything in its path and engulfing the city in a hellish red cloud of the Scarecrow’s toxin.

And it didn’t take too long. The storm subsided, and when she looked up, all she could see was darkness.

No longer was there a blank sky above her. It was the toxin in the form of a heavily concentrated gas cloud that covered everything from the streets up to at least five stories. Everything below it, suffered its effects.

The same thugs that stared at the tank were now ripping each other’s flesh with their own teeth, their eyes white and the noises they made inhumane.

This was it. This was Gotham. This was the City of Fear.

Xxxxx

“Commander, a serpent drone has picked up a giant plant growing out of Founder’s Island.”

“A giant what?”

Quickly, she searched for the drone’s footage, and sure enough a plant the size of three towers stacked together sprouted out of the ground and had Batman’s car in its vines. “Son of a bitch.”

“Sergeant, there’s a weed grown tall in Divinity Churchyard,” she said to the drone controllers. “Cut it down.”

“Sending drones in now, sir.”

She opened her visor and pinched her nose. Scarecrow’s plan worked, as of now. Batman thinks it was the Knight in the Cloudburst and not her. And that plan might actually be of use, with the Dark Knight getting closer and closer to ending the toxin’s hold on the city.

Scarecrow was right. Again. She hated that man to the bone.

She kept on the footage of the Batmobile destroying each of her drones. “I own these streets, Dark Knight!” she said. One after the other, they exploded.

“He wiped them out sir,” the sergeant said over her comms. “We’re gonna need more tanks.”

“No. Now he needs to face me.” She called Batman.

“Commander. Make sure he doesn’t survive. Blow up his stupid car and kill him,” Jason said. She heard his breath heavy.

She’s never seen his face up close before, but there he was. The Dark Knight. Ready to face her to the death. “YOU WANNA FINISH THIS? COME TO BLEAKE ISLAND!”

Her hands gripping tightly on the controls. “Commander,” she heard Jason’s unfiltered voice. “He’s blocked off the bridges out of Bleake Island.”

“I’ll be okay. Batman doesn’t realize he’s going after the best markswoman in the world.”

And with that, she called for the cobra tanks to surround her, her hands gripping onto the handles to move the tank into the center of the island.

The Cloudburst’s optics circled slowly around the perimeter. She searched for any signature, any movement out of place. There was dead silence, and the sky the color of blood.

“We’ve lost a Cobra Tank. Sending support.”

She growled into her communicator. “IT’S OVER BATMAN. GOTHAM’S DEAD.” There was buzzing, like tires screeching. Her optics picked up movement, and she breathed, quick enough not to lose its sight. He was slightly peering into from a building on her right. She locked onto the target, firing her missile.

And like that, Deadshot became the first to hit the Batmobile. The damage wasn’t too much, but it was significant. “Good job, Commander. Keep firing at him. Make sure he doesn’t come out of this alive,” Jason said.

“Cobra tank down. Holding formation.”

She would have cursed if Scarecrow’s voice hadn’t interrupted her. “What do you think you're doing?”

“Finishing the job.”

It was the Arkham Knight’s voice. But it was Jason’s line on the other end. She just listened.

“This is not the plan we agreed upon.”

“It’s a plan that works. Scarecrow can choke on his toxin, Batman. I just want you dead,” Jason growled.

Then she switched onto Jason’s communicator. “Are you sure about this?”

“Just keep going, Commander. Do not back down. I trust you with this.”

Another. And another. Three Cobras down in less than a minute apart.

“JASON.”

“I SAID KEEP GOING. BLOW UP HIS TANK. KILL HIM NOW.”

She was alone. No longer with any more tanks to support her. She kept her optics rotating at a faster pace. Batman couldn’t be far. He should be here. Somewhere.

Breathe in. Breathe-

She screamed, her head almost hitting the wall when the tank blew up on the right side. Her coolant systems set off an alarm, the Batman had hit her. The Commander turned her optics to that direction, caught the Batmobile just before it sped off, then fired.

Another hit. But at such a cost. She amplified the three remaining coolant lines and sped down the roads. Y/N slowed her heartbeat, slowed her breaths, focused on the sight in front of her. Focused on what was far.

The tank exploded again. This time from the back. “Knight, he’s trying to overheat the tank.”

“THE ISLAND IS BLOCKED OFF. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. I’M SENDING A SERPENT DRONE. KILL HIM.”

Those last two words, how she’s heard Jason say that to her more than just a few times.

The Commander turned her optics over to her side. He wasn’t there.

But she knew exactly where he was.

That road only led to one place. And on the other side was a dead end. He should pass by an alleyway in just a few moments. The Commander turned her launcher to that side, and waited.

Breathe. Follow the target. Keep breathing.

Her thumbs over the buttons, she kept her optics close. She waited and waited, facing the third coolant to that side to bait the Batmobile. There, he was coming closer.

The hood of the Bat’s tank, snaking to her side thinking she didn’t notice it. “FIRE,” she heard Jason scream into her ear.

She can end this now, it was much too easy. She pulled on the lever, her thumb hovering over the button. And then-

And then-

Uncle. He was at the front seat of the Batmobile. And he was looking at her. And he was so thin it didn’t even look like him anymore.

How many hundreds of lives has she taken?

How many thousands has she hurt?

How many daughters left without a father?

How many wives has she widowed?

How many millions will be left without hope?

How many in this city will suffer if she fires?

There have always been consequences, but none with stakes higher than this.

All that doubt, the guilt after pulling the trigger and leaving bodies left alone, it was all balled up in one. Crucial. Second.

The one second the Dark Knight needed.

Everything she’s worked for, trained for her whole life, thrown out into a deep dark hole. The Commander blindly fired at the Batmobile and slammed her head against the steel of the cockpit when the left side of the tank exploded.

And she had just one coolant left.

The alarms deafened her ears. And she was almost never deafened. It mimicked the panic of her heart racing, Jason’s voice violently screaming into her ear. The tank trembled immensely, and for once, she no longer knew what to do.

The Batmobile was alive. Somewhere in the island.

She missed.

She missed.

All the voices in her head. The Arkham Knight. Scarecrow. Deathstroke. Floyd Lawton. They all screamed at her. Her hands were shaking. She’s never missed a shot at anything for so long. Everything moved too fast, too strong for her to block off. She turned off her communicators, kept her heartbeat steady.

But she couldn’t hear Floyd’s voice any longer. He’d left her. And she was alone, shaking with the tank so close to giving out. She grabbed the handles and turned around.

Just for the Batman to fire at the last coolant. The one right at her front.

She hit her head. Again. Everything was too much of a blur. She couldn’t control her breathing, or her heart. She moved the cloudburst, finding someplace where the Bat couldn’t find her.

Five missiles locked onto her. The tank was barely holding up. Everything around her went red, and her head so painfully throbbing she couldn’t see or hear anything more.

She turned on her communicators.

“Jason…”

“I’M ON MY WAY, COMMANDER. STAY ALIVE.”

She heard him scream at Batman on the other end. And she felt three more missiles hit her from behind.

Sparks were emitting out of the Cloudburst and the whole tank was shaking off the ground. It no longer moved.

And she could smell it. The toxin. It was the worst thing she’s ever breathed in her whole life. The Commander clawed on her own throat, begging for some air. She hurried up the hatch, fighting the pain in her own head. She collapsed on the tank before she could breathe anything more.

Everything was dark. And her nightmares flashed like speeding pictures projected onto a screen.

There were ghosts, floating above and around her, mauling her body and pulling her up where she could no longer stand. And she couldn’t move. There were birds, screeching into her ear, and their claws were so sharp she could feel them scratch at her open flesh, pulling out her skin. And they flew over her fast, circling around her.

At the farthest end of the sky, something so miniscule, yet so visible. It was speeding right towards her and she could do so much as move her head to narrowly avoid it. It shined a glistening silver and it was burning. Y/N could just feel how hot it was from the speed. It was a bullet.

Being on the other side of the gun. That was what she feared the most.

Bullets entered her bloodstream, too many for her to count. Onto her chest, her stomach, her arms, her legs, her neck, her spine, her face. Every hit pierced through her like a thick needle and it froze her muscles at they made contact with her body. She screamed, a horrifying scream. Some settled on her flesh, on her skin, some resting on her head. She could feel the bullets enter her, her own blood spilling and her nerves so close to giving out. Every inch of her being tugged into a stinging burst, and the cold metal the bullets almost froze her muscles.

Y/N’s spine was hit, and she couldn’t feel anything on her lower body, even when so many bullets pierced her foot, she’d never be able to walk anyways. Her bones were shattered and her face, ruined by the explosives landing right at her cheeks.

She was laying on the ground. Y/N couldn’t move.

She’s seen this happen. And she’s caused this kind of pain to so many others.

Now she knows what it was like.

She screamed, openly at the abyss, at the birds flying above her like a tornado and her own voice painfully tugging at her throat. She saw Floyd, staring at her, and she couldn’t stop screaming.

Over. And over. And over.

She felt something carrying her up a rooftop, and the Batman crashing to the ground beside her. Her lungs gave out just as she saw the Arkham Knight get to her, leaving the Bat on the ground.

Xxxxxx

One. Two. Three.

One. Two. Three.

One. Two. Three.

She was unconsciously counting in her head. Just up to three, then she’d trail back to where she started.

It was like a knife was stabbing at her temple and went out the other side. Handle and all. Y/N felt her eyes about to open, but she wanted them still closed. She didn’t want to look if she was dead. Or worse, alive and hunted.

Everyone will be out to kill her.

Y/N’s eyes shot open.

She was in a room she didn’t know. And it was dark.

The department store. The Arkham Knight Headquarters. In an abandoned furniture store where none of her soldiers were staying in. It was small, barely enough for a closet, a dining table, and a couch, which was where she was lying on.

She had an oxygen mask strapped to her mouth. And every part of her ached when she sat up. But her body wasn’t ruined. She wasn’t shot. Only the sides of her arms and her head were bruised when she’d hit the cockpit walls in the tank after it exploded.

After she lost.

The door open. And the man that went inside looked out for anyone following him.

“Jason…”

He hurriedly shut the door. “Don’t fucking speak. If anyone finds you here, you're dead.”

Y/N immediately looked away. He didn’t even look at her. Jason pulled the visor off his head and placed it on the table, along with a large duffel bag.

He had his eyes closed shut.

“Jason, his tank was nothing like we’d expecte-“

“Shut up.”

She choked, looking straight at the wall.

“You knew how much he hurt me.”

Y/N hugged her chest, but even that was too painful to do. She just laid on the couch and looked up at the ceiling.

“You knew how much I want him dead.”

“I…”

“I SAID SHUT UP.”

She stilled, feeling her wrists quake.

“I told Scarecrow you didn’t survive. Just so he wouldn’t come after you. Then I watched the footage on the Cloudburst…”

“I’m sorry-“

“You missed,” he cried. “He got away because you missed.”

It was something else other than her own hand holding her chest so tightly, because it was so painful she could feel it twist.

“All this would’ve been okay if I DIDN’T KNOW YOU NEVER MISSED A SHOT.”

His fist slammed against the wall. And the hole was large enough to almost collapse the ceiling above it.

“I TRUSTED YOU!”

He was screaming. Never mind what he said about being quiet.

And it dawned on her. Jason didn’t want Y/N on the Cloudburst, and she thought it was because he wanted her safe. That it would be too much for her.

But he wanted to be on the Cloudburst so he could guarantee Batman would be dead. It was never about her.

Stupid. Fucking stupid.

“That means that somewhere there,” he pointed at her head. “Somewhere, you felt guilty about all this. You hesitated. YOU HESITATED. Of all the times I’ve asked you to kill, YOU HESITATED WHEN IT MEANT THE MOST. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HE’S MADE ME SUFFER. AND YOU JUST LET HIM LIVE.”

Jason knelt on the ground, and her muscles were too sore to move. She forced herself up, trying to reach for his head, but he pushed her hands away and she winced at the pain. ‘I love you,’ she whispered, but only on her own. ‘I would never let him hurt you again.’

Floyd’s protégé.

The Militia Commander.

Deadshot.

The machine she was raised to be. The assassin with the best aim. The world renowned.

Crying helplessly like a spineless nobody.

She wasn’t the best marksman in the world. She was nothing. Y/N failed at the most important job she’s ever been given.

“He thought it was me in that tank. We had just enough time to get Gordon.”

His voice was blank. He didn’t see much in her anymore. Y/N could tell by the look on his eyes. Jason dropped a large duffel bag on the ground in front of her.

“One point five million dollars. Take it and get out of here.”

He threw her white mask and gun optics on top of the bag. The tears wouldn’t stop pouring out of her. But she was no longer screaming. She looked blankly out in the open and heard the door shut.

And just like that, she lost everything.

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THE COMMANDER - MASTERLIST

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