#Even to menit sounds like I'm infantilizing Hawkeye when I talk about him

[future-dregs]

Keeping The Fantasy Alive.

(Or, my breakdown of the episode, Life With Father)

All through the episode Hawkeye is seeking a diversion. (The previous episode being the one in which they believed Trapper would be going home, which brought forth all sorts of clumsy emotions that had to then be hastily restuffed once they realized he was staying, this comes as no surprise).

Saddened at his lack of mail (he's lonely he's at loose ends, he doesn't have anyone or anything to keep him company), Hawkeye grabs onto a junk flyer marked 'current occupant' and he and Trapper spend the rest of the episode trying to find the hidden presidents on the sheet, and thus win themselves the prize of a shetland pony.

They keep the paper with them constantly, examining it under a microscope, even taking it into the X-ray room with them. They discuss names for their pony, and make jokes about taking photographs with and of it.

At the end, Hawkeye even manages to procure a horse from…somewhere.

He rides in, declares to Trapper that its "practice" for their pony, Trapper takes a running jump, loops his arms around Hawkeye's waist, and they ride off out of camp.

This is all a distraction, that Trapper willing plays into, that everything is fine and dandy and there's no problems whatsoever except for where the last damn president is at.

Hawkeye is particularly petulant in this episode, snatching papers, pouting, and using a remarkably childish voice whenever he says the word "pony".

He's not outright clingy, but he wants Trapper's attention and company. Trapper (I think) can very easily recognize this as his emotional defensive behavior coming out to bat, and so willingly gives it, slipping seamlessly into Hawkeye's childlike fantasy of owning a pony all their own (doesn't every kid want a pony? Not a horse, a pony). He goes along with it, playing pretend.

Both men know they won't actually get the pony, even if they did manage to be the ones selected for the winning prize there's no way in hell it'd get shipped out here, but both are also unwilling to do anything at all to break the illusion.

This is a fantasy land. Where knights come in on white chargers, persistence is rewarded, everthing is seen through a dewy celluloid film, and nothing unpleasant happens.

Trapper is shown multiple times over to be the clearheaded one. He'll goof off and have fun and try to ignore and forget things just as much as the next guy, but he cannot delude himself. There would be no ceasefire, war doesn't just end in a way he can get away from, and he and Hawkeye rely on alcohol far too much to be anything but addicted to it.

He can't fully give himself over to fantasy, losing himself in it for a few precious moments the way Hawkeye can. (It is in fact this reason that Hawkeye can indulge this in himself at all. Because Trapper is there to tether him back down).

But the thing is...he'd seen Hawkeye.

He'd seen his face light up when he realized that the ulcer meant (so they'd thought) safety and trip home and a way out, a way to be sure of his survival. And he'd seen it fall a second later, though quickly masked, when Hawkeye's brain caught up with his elation and he realized what this also meant...that he would be alone.

He'd seen professional concern transform into giddiness, fall into a quick despair and then hurriedly morph itself back into a facimilated happiness, with only little cracks splintering at the edges to give him away.

And he'd seen him at his farewell party, red rimmed and cracking jokes, trying to keep the party moving so that he didn't drown in it. When he'd made his announcement, he'd glanced over, and seen the mask shatter.

Trapper couldn't go home, and Hawkeye was crushed.

He was also vulnerable. He'd brought his emotions, his true feelings, up to the front, he'd been about as honest and unguarded as he'd ever been, not knowing if he'd have another chance, and now Trapper was staying. The honesty creating an uncomfortable home for them to live in, and Trapper could see Hawkeye immediately begin damage control, stuffing things back down again to a level where he felt safe.

And Trapper knows this, he sees all of it. So the very next opportunity he can, he indulges Hawkeye.

He feeds the whim, and he let's there be playtimes and fancies and idyllic white horses, for a day.