#Even the shit meant to help you is all based in fucking inconceivable shit and it just makes it worse it's all always made fucking worse but

[sweetestlamb]

Still, I Rise

Summary: Damn teenagers and their angst. 

Author's Note: Back with another chapter, if you didn’t already know it I will be revealing our mystery character from the last chapter LOL please put down the bats and weapons (jk take them out it’s hilarious!) With this chapter we are getting closer to the “climax” and I am so excited to write the fun chapters I have planned ahead, one scene that I am really looking forward to writing is the camping trip, I had so much plans and events that I wanted to see that didn’t because TVN woke up and chose basic, we hate to see it. I can’t wait to rewrite history honestly also can’t wait to just move to onto regular schmegular teen problems, I swearrrrrrr. 

"Don't you dare embarrass me this time. You aren't ugly why can't you get these damn little rich brats to like you? Are you truly this useless? Don't come home if you can't make this one fall for you!"

Those had been his father's final words right before his hand split his lower lip open with a razor sharp blow that made his head whip in recoil. His father's footsteps faded as he walked away leaving him crumpled on the ground, anger and embarrassment raging in his blood. He hadn't chosen this life at all, never wanted to be a bargaining chip for that despicable man. First with Eun Dan Oh and now this new girl, Kang Sujin.

She'd initially stood him up and he had felt foolish sitting in the lavish restaurant by himself, checking his phone but no calls or messages arrived.

His father had been livid that night, more vicious than usual his stepmother's weak screams served as the soundtrack for his brutal beating. Why couldn’t she just be quiet? Did it make her feel better when she acted as if she actually gave a shit about him? His brother coming into his room after with those pathetic weeping eyes and a bandage had only made him angrier, he shoved him away slamming the door in his face, refusing his help. He didn't need anyone, nobody could save him from his horrible fate. 

It hadn't taken much research to find out her school and on impulse he'd gone there without her knowledge, watching from afar at first. A tiny girl with short hair framing her face had ran giggling into a taller girl with long dark hair and a classically beautiful face, they walked side by side smiling and laughing and that's when he'd heard her call out , "Sujin we should get something to eat!"

It wasn't love at first sight or anything ridiculous and disgustingly romantic like that, but he felt a connection to the girl for some inconceivable reason as if they were kindred spirits or something, maybe it was the remnant of a bruise he saw on her wrist hidden beneath her sweater. 

It seemed they had more in common then he had initially believed, it was a grim similarity. 

He'd gone home feeling less burdened than before, and his father's smile had been terrifying when he'd told him that he would work hard to win the girl over, only because he knew how quickly that smile could evaporate and his father could become the monster he was accustomed to. He tried not to flinch as the older man clapped him on the shoulder, his body already in fight or flight mode.

His father had merely smirked at his apparent fear.

Bastard.

So he'd taken to following the other girl around, she was going to be his fiancé anyway so he saw nothing wrong with it. And that was how he learned about the other boy, a tall slender boy who looked like someone that would grace an idol magazine cover. They were together more often than he liked, and it seemed more than platonic if the glances and subtle touches were a sign.

He wasn't jealous per se, but this would be a roadblock in his plan that he couldn't afford. He was getting used to not being beaten. 

The day he'd followed them to the hospital presented another challenge for him, he hated hospitals and what they represented with every fiber of his being. He'd spent too much time in them growing up and then again for a girl who couldn't care less about him, she was another reminder that he wasn't worthy of love. He had thought he loved her but still hurt her whenever she disobeyed him, he knew he was no better than his father.

Unexpectedly Sujin had burst through the hospital doors, surprising him and forcing him to hide lest she spot him, peeking out from his hiding place behind a tree he saw her distraught and near tears running the opposite direction. He stood in shock merely watching and waiting to see if the unknown boy would follow her, but thankfully he never came.

Pushing down his own wariness and discomfort he walked into the hospital immediately feeling a cold chill on his skin, he refused to call it trauma that made it sound like something was wrong with him. He was fine and he could do this.

Thankfully the nurses were too busy and nobody noticed him walking by and he froze when he spotted another man who was capable of making him flinch. Doctor Kang, he looked anything but approachable in his gleaming white lab coat and he remembered watching the man laugh with his father as they both sold their children without remorse. Instinctively he hid watching the man glare into a hospital room, he almost feared for whomever was the recipient of the ice cold gaze.

Minutes melted by before the doctor finally walked away, his steps clipped and echoing on the linoleum floors and he finally let out a sigh of relief when the other man disappeared around the corner.

Stealthily he rounded the corner and took the doctor's abandoned spot, peeking into the room through the small window in the door. It was that boy again, the idol wannabe but this time he wasn't alone there was a young girl with a bouquet in her arms and a older woman lovingly patting him on his cheeks.

His mother.

A loving one, at that. 

His blood seared watching the domestic scene, jealousy ripping through him like a tornado. There was no way he was letting this asshole have Sujin too, he already had too much. More than he, Baekyung would ever have.

                                                                The motorcycle roars under her thighs as they whip down the road. It only serves to remind her of the first time she was on a bike with another boy, his cologne and the scent of leather infiltrating her senses and making her heart jump through hoops. This time she feels nothing but annoyance and extreme frustration, barely holding onto the stranger in front of her as she leans forward to yell above the engine, "Pullover!"

She knows he heard her based on the immediate tension in his body but he continues to ride ignoring her request demand. With a grunt she grabs onto his waist only to bodily drag them to the side not caring if they both crash at this point she cannot stand another second on this bike with him, instantly he straightens them before skidding to the side and finally pulling the brakes bringing the motorcycle to a halt, the moment the bike stops she hops off in a frenzy.

Thrusting the bottom piece of his helmet up he screams at her, "Are you insane? You could have hurt us!"

She bares her teeth at him, ready to unleash her full anger on him now without an audience. 

"Who the fuck are you? And why did you come to my school?" She bellows glaring poisonously at the strange idiot who had single handedly upended her day.

Moving calmer than she's feeling, he dismounts finally pulling his helmet off and then squeezing it under his arm looking down at her. 

With a condescending look he stares at her, "You know exactly who I am, don't play dumb it's beneath you."

He's right. She does know who he is although she had never seen him or known his name, she had truly thought she could ignore him and he would disappear. Just like with her father that was proving to be an erroneous dream that would never come true. 

"But I'll formally introduce myself since we are going to be engaged soon after all, Baekyung. You can call me oppa though."

Engaged soon.

Her head spins from his words, she feels terror shift over her like a thick suffocating blanket.

"You don't even know me. Why would you even agree to this?" She stares at him in disbelief, at a loss to his acquiesce to their tragic fate.

The look in his eyes haunt her, it's like staring in a mirror and gazing back at the person she was months ago. Somehow without her knowledge or consent she'd changed, grown even and therefore started believing that her life was just that, hers.

"You act like we have a choice. Don't be stupid, we have to just do as we're told. It's easier this way for everyone." He repeats those words that she herself had uttered to Seojun not so long ago, a sense of deja vu washes over her. 

"How is letting ourselves be used easier? Don't you have your own dreams or aspirations? Isn't there someone you actually like?" She knows the error of her argument immediately as she says it, his eyes narrow into thin enraged slits and she can practically feel the anger vibrating off him.

"Don't pretend to care about me. This is about you and your little boyfriend," he spits the word like acid and immediately she remembers those chilling words he had whispered in her eyes earlier, "Do you think he'll be safe?" That was all it had taken for her to go with him, he couldn't get hurt she wouldn't allow that to happen ever. She had no idea what those ominous words meant and how this boy could pose a threat to Seojun but she knew she had to hear him out and protect Seojun anyway she possibly could. 

"He's not the only one you should be worried about." The smug bastard continues with a humorless grin on his face and suddenly the dots connect, her father outside of Ms. Han's hospital room and that calculating look on his face. Her stomach drops.

"Leave them out of it!" She screams embarrassed at the urgent plea in her voice but she can't help it, she's so scared more than she's ever been for herself.

"Well that all depends on you doesn't it? Your dear father will have no reason to do anything to them if you listen like a good daughter and date me as expected."

She stands frozen once again feeling helpless, it kills her inside all her growth slipping down the drain in a matter of seconds.

"Why are you doing this?"

He stills at her question, his cold mask dropping and leaving something numb and unreadable in its place. It feels familiar to her, she awaits his answer with bated breath.

"I want to live, even if I have no control over it. I'd rather be alive."

Thunder clashes above them, the previously sunny day shifting into a gray dark distortion, heavy storm clouds ominously loom above them and the first raindrops land perfectly on her cheeks, crying the tears that she refuses to let fall. She has no more left to cry.

Confusion is an understatement to express Su-ah's true feelings following the mysterious boy on the motorcycle, when she finally gets Sujin on the phone the other girl is quiet and mumbling, evading all her questions and as soon as she mentions Seojun, Sujin shuts down hastily ending their conversation with some nonsensical excuse. 

That was not going to be the end, Sujin might want to play dumb about the true nature of their relationship but she wasn't part of the circus. She was no clown, she had eyes and it was clear that they liked each other and it was only growing the more time they spent together. She wouldn't let her best friend sabotage something that could be great for her, she deserved happiness and Seojun made her happy. So it was truly that simple. 

Stomping up the slight incline to school, she huffs and puffs determined. She was going to talk some sense into the other girl.

Those thoughts come crashing all around her when she sees Sujin coming out of a car, a car that she has never seen before and her questions are answered when the boy from yesterday steps out after her. Every eye in a ten mile radius is watching them, captivated by this new school scandal. Girls already squealing and giggling, envious of Sujin and doing very little to hide their true feelings. 

“Why is he with her? She isn’t even that pretty. He should be with me.” 

The lies people told themselves to sleep at nights, sad. 

Accidentally knocking the gossiping girl to the side with a rough shoulder check, ignoring her dramatic cry she sprints the rest of the way, once again pushing through the crowd to get to Sujin.

Immediately their eyes lock and she begs Sujin for a answers, What happened? Why are you doing this? What’s going?,  she flinches at the cold emotionless stare she gets in response. She watches in dismay as the tall boy bends down as if to hug Sujin and that's when a loud grumble fills the air, she turns around to the all too familiar sight of Seojun on his motorcycle. He revs the handle bar causing the crowd to part like the Red Sea, then he rides slowly until he's right next to Sujin bike inches away from touching her.

With a practiced motion he tugs off his helmet, those sloping feline eyes already on Sujin in a hard stare.

The tension is insurmountable and cloying and Su-ah watches transfixed before Sujin breaks the impasse, tugging her bookbag over her shoulder she stomps into the school without a word to either boys. But then the interloping boy calls out, “Have a good day. Princess,” and Sujin stops immediately at the word, turning around with a ferocious look in her eyes, “Don’t call me that. My name is Kang Sujin to you. That’s all.” Su-ah sees the way that Sujin’s eyes almost subconsciously seek out a certain cat eyed boy and feels like she misses an entire conversation between the two before Sujin finally walks away. 

The mysterious boy glares at her retreating back before shooting a cold glare at Seojun and then promptly hopping back into his car, the backseat as he's chauffeured away.

"Oh my god! That was so hot! Princess?” 

"Who is that? Does Kang Sujin have a boyfriend? Wow, she’s mean to her boyfriend too. What a bitch.” 

Why do you think Seojun looked so angry?"

"Maybe he's worried about losing his bad boy title!"

The crowd erupts around them in loud voices, all curious about what they've witnessed and already creating rumors to appease their curiosity. Suddenly a loud motorcycle screech causes them all to jump silence falling over the crowd before Seojun rides away, the tight clench in his jaw visible even from her distance.

Lunch is a step above awkward, bordering into painful. The easy conversation that used to be a staple of the table is all but decimated, instead everyone eats quietly chilled by the cold air permeating from both Seojun and Sujin. They only speak when spoken to and avoid all eye contact, especially each others. It's painful to be a witness to and she notes regretfully that neither are eating home made lunch today, opting for the school lunch instead.

Sujin had never officially told her but she knew that they were making food for each other, their smiles watching the other eat made it too obvious.

This was serious. Looking at them now they looked like complete strangers, everyone was too nervous to question the elephant in the room. Everyone except poor Chorong.

"Why is everyone was so awkward today? What did you two fight or something? Why do we all have to suffer because of your lover's quarrel? Just kiss and make up already."

The table all looked on with opened mouths except Suho and herself who both looked worried instead.

And people thought she was slow, how had they all not realized what was happening? It was clear as day.

She flinches at his well-meaning words that are evidently not well received by either teen, watching them both glare at the table unmoving and the silence drags out painfully before Seojun breaks the stalemate. Standing without preamble he glares at Chorong before placing the stare on Sujin, it does nothing to change her unaffected stare. With a loud sigh he stomps away, despite his friends dismayed shouts of his name.

She continues to eat her lunch, watching Sujin in her peripheral.

She looks like she has the weight of the world on her shoulder and Su-ah for the first time in their friendship has no idea what to do.

But when they all start to funnel out of the cafeteria she follows the other girl anyway, tugging her into an enclave where they are hidden from the rest of their classmates Sujin cries out at the sudden jerk but loses her defensive stance when she realizes it’s just her. 

“What?”

“What’s going on? Why are you letting that punk bring you to school and why are you and Han Seojun acting like you broke up before you even started officially dating? Sujin-ah, please tell me what’s going on.” She pleads latching onto the other girl’s arm peering up at her with puppy dog eyes, they have never failed her before. 

“I can’t tell you yet, I’m sorry.”

There’s a first time for everything and she frowns at Sujin feeling like there is a mountain between them. She can’t help the hurt that she feels knowing the other girl doesn’t trust her enough to tell her what’s going on. She thought they had moved past all the secrets and hiding but obviously she was wrong. 

“I really am sorry. But I will tell you everything soon enough.”

She releases Sujin’s arm, ready to walk away. She hates being in the dark. But before she can walk away, she feels Sujin hand on the bottom of her sweater tugging her backwards, she looks back with a perplexed glare. 

“Do you trust me?” 

She stares at Sujin and the soft tilt of her head as she asks the question, and her answer is easy, although she has no idea what’s going on and none of this makes any sense to her she doesn’t have to think about that answer. 

"You shouldn't do this to him. It's too cruel." Suho expects a biting retort or even a call for him to mind this damn business, so he's shocked breathless when instead the other girl smiles at him, a tiny almost indecipherable thing that makes her lips thinner. 

"You two have come a long way." Sujin responds unexpectedly shaking her head and walking over to the couch, before beckoning him over too.

He stares feeling suspicious but ultimately he follows, curiosity winning.

"I think I'm ready." Sujin expels a deep breath, twisting her hands nervously in her lap. Before he can ask her what exactly she's ready for she continues, "I want to tell your father what happened if you really think he'll help me."

He's too late to swallow the strangled gasp that escapes from his lungs and he leans back in surprise. He wants to continue his conversation about Seojun but he’s scared to do anything to make the other girl retreat or change her mind now. That conversation will have to wait for another day.  

Sorry Seojun. 

"Are you sure? You're really ready to do this?"

There's a long pause and he watches a myriad of emotions run across Sujin's usually expressionless face until something that looks suspiciously like hope blossoms making her glow brighter than the sun.

"Yes. I want to try living just for me."

Blinking away the moisture in his eyes, he pulls out his cellphone sending his father a message.

Please come over.

It only takes seconds but it feels like an eternity before his father replies, he smiles at the message.

On my way.

He stands up to put the kettle on the fire, he knows that tonight will be a long night and he needs something to keep his hands occupied.

When his doorbell rings he's shocked when Sujin stands up looking at him with a serene gaze, "I'll get it." He only nods at her in reply, watching as she greets his father and man recovers quickly at the unexpected visitor, smiling warmly at Sujin before pulling her into a warm embrace.

Even more surprisingly Sujin doesn't flinch, allowing herself to be wrapped up.

His father embraces him as well, patting him on the back and again on the head when they break apart. He can feel Sujin's eyes on them and he moves away guiltily. Now isn’t the time to rub his burgeoning relationship with his father in her face. 

"Have a seat Dad, thank you for coming so quickly."

His father lifts an eyebrow at the sudden serious tone of his voice but he follows his directions nonetheless folding his hands on his lap and looking inquisitively between the two teenagers.

"Is there something you both want to tell me? Perhaps you two are....." His father motions vaguely between them and he stares back not comprehending until his father smiles slyly and Sujin beats him to it, protesting ardently.

"No! No, it's nothing like that. There's someone else...I mean no. That's what what we wanted to talk about."

He raises an eyebrow at Sujin's slip and his father chuckles at her stuttering and the red blaze across her cheeks.

His father waves his arms in appeal, apologetic grin on his face. "Sorry I didn't mean to embarrass you both. I just always hoped you two might one day. A father can dream."

He scoffs at his father, "Give up on that dream she's like family to me. We would never see each other that day."

Sujin nods passionately in agreement and his father shrugs easily, now looking even more curious than before.

"So what did you want to talk about?"

Sujin stills on her spot on the couch, the determination in her bones seeming to melt away with every passing minute. He fears this won't go as planned and he has no idea how to motivate her.

Then a loud vibration rumbles from the couch and it takes Sujin a moment to realize it's her phone, he watches curiously as she looks at the message and then a single tear runs down her round cheek. The determination curls back around her like armor, he watches in amazement as she sits taller turning to look at his father with newfound courage or maybe it wasn’t newfound but suddenly uncovered by whatever she had seen on her phone. 

“Suho asked you for help for me. I’m really the one who needs your help.” He can hear the slight quiver and hitches in her words but she gets them all out and instantly she has his father’s undivided attention, he even turns his body to fully face the girl. Pride swells in his chest at the sight, he was worried his father would only be adamant about helping him directly as a way to get closer to him but now he can see that he was wrong about the other man. Genuine concern fills every line and wrinkle of time on his face. 

“What is wrong? What do you need help with and why can’t you tell your parents?” It’s a innocent question, and logical too but he fears Sujin’s reaction, when she feels like she is backed into a corner in the past that has led to her lashing out with dagger sharp remarks, he watches with his heart lodged in his throat.

“Because they are the ones hurting me.” 

His lungs deflate releasing all the air that was trapped in the sacs, she said the truth without hesitation and he turns to glance at his father watching him process the bomb that she has just dropped on him. His father opens and closes his mouth several times, before finding his voice it is but a whisper when he responds to Sujin. 

“That time you needed a doctor.” The statement is directed to Suho and with a sober nod he confirms what his father already knows, with a loud sigh his father sinks into the couch quiet rage on his face. “I should have known, you always seemed so scared of him but I thought it was just his parenting style I never thought...never expected that he would....I should have done something!” 

Sujin laughs, it is pained and small but he hears it and immediately turns to look at her, “He sounds just like you like father like son I guess,” Sujin directs that at him and he blushes in memory, he can’t deny the claims. Then she turns back to his father with surprisingly soft eyes, “Don’t blame yourself, just help me now if you can.” 

“I will use all of my resources to make sure he spends his life in jail.” 

Suho jumps in his seat looking over at Sujin, that is way more than they had ever discussed that was what he truly wanted for the monstrous man but it always seemed like too much to ask for but here was his father saying it as if it was completely plausible. 

“Jail? Do you really think he can go to jail? It would be his word against mine, I never took any pictures. I was stupid.” Sujin berates herself, and before he can dismiss the self inflicted insult his father is already moving closer and putting a large hand on her trembling shoulder, only then does he realize how the girl is shaking like a new leaf. 

“No, it will be my word against his. I will also get that report from Doctor Kim, that could be used as evidence. You’re just a kid and a victim, I’ll handle this you don’t need to do anything else. You’ve handled enough on your own, we got you now.” His father looks over at him as if waiting for his approval and he moves onto the couch with them both, after a moment’s pause putting his hand on Sujin’s other shoulder. 

“We got you.” 

Jukyeong glances over nervously at Seojun the aroma of coffee thick in the air as she sweeps up the beans she had clumsily spilled on the ground, she waited for Seojun to playfully scold her as he often did when she messed up at work but the reprimand never came and when she glanced over at him he had been staring longing at his cellphone. 

Su-ah had been the first to notice how weird him and Sujin acted around each other and despite not having a lot of experience with relationships, especially those of the romantic kind she could see that they didn’t hate each other as much as Sujin tried to drive the deceptive point home. They were always teasing each other and Seojun found any excuse to be near Sujin and soon he wasn’t the only one, they just seemed to naturally gravitate to each other at times bickering so much it was like they were the only two people in the room. 

But all that had come to an abrupt end with the sudden appearance of the boy on the motorcycle, the entire school was in a uproar over him, Baek Kyung, she had heard the other girls whispering his name. On paper he seemed very similar to Han Seojun, same bad boy persona and affinity for motorcycles and glares. But the biggest difference she noticed was Sujin's reaction to them both, she had heard from some gossiping girls how vehemently Sujin had declared that Baek Kyung not call her “princess”, a moniker she had commonly heard Seojun use to refer to the girl.  Sujin never stopped him these days, instead rolling her eyes and speeding up to escape from him, he would chase after all calling her the sweet nickname all the way. 

When Seojun would use it to refer to her in passing such as, “Are you gonna eat that princess?” Those were times that Sujin didn’t react at all, simply handing him whatever food in her container had caught his eye that she had ignored. 

They were casually domestic in a way that they never seemed to realize and she couldn’t help but categorize. Seojun liked Sujin that was becoming clearer and it seemed like the feeling was mutual, even if the girl wasn’t yet ready to admit it. 

Which was why this new development came as a complete shock to her, why was Sujin suddenly giving her attention to someone else? 

“Did you guys have a fight? Just tell her you’re sorry.” She offers out of the blue, and Seojun turns to her with a puzzled look drying a mug with a cloth, “What are you talking about now clumsy?” 

Thankfully the shop is empty, she quirks at eyebrow at him folding her arm when he continues to play dumb. 

“Sujin. You guys clearly had a fight, you’re both so hot tempered. Her temper is probably worst than yours though so just apologize okay? It’s better than fighting.” 

He stares at her with a blank face before turning away, rubbing firmer at the mug in his hands and she worries for its safety. 

“Why should I apologize when she’s the one who’s with another guy? Don’t worry about me, I will be fine. Clearly this was one-sided. She doesn’t like me.” 

She openly laughs at him now, looking at him like he has two heads. “What are you talking about? If she didn’t like you then why did she follow you to your mom’s hospital? She tried to be all sneaky but Chorong told us everything. Plus she always gets jealous when other girls give you food at school and don’t think we don’t all know that you guys make food for each other!” 

He whips around looking at her with huge eyes, “Wait you all knew? So when I said that someone special made it for me? You knew?” 

She smiles brightly, “Yep. It wasn’t subtle at all.” 

He sighs in annoyance, turning away to hide the pink on his face. 

“I’m not apologizing. I didn’t do anything wrong.” 

She sighs at the boy’s words, knowing that this fight might go on longer than it needs to and she wishes she could just shake some sense into both of them, why were they choosing to suffer like this? 

Damn teenagers and their angst. 

Grumbling she goes to take a customer’s order, glancing over at Seojun with a final sad smile. 

Hopefully they can figure this out without falling apart. 

Time seems to move slower than usual today and he almost pumps a fist in  triumph when he sees that it’s finally eight and they are free to leave. 

“Do you want to me to walk you to the bus stop?” He offers Jukyeong out of politeness but she shakes her head no, telling him that she is going to meet with her older sister for dinner running out before him and hailing a cab, he smiles at the sight that’s one girl who loves to eat. 

Turning off the lights in the shop, he turns over the “open” sign and locks the door behind him. The cool spring night air brushes against his cheeks and he makes his way to his motorcycle, mounting in one motion and sighing as it purrs to life before he speeds off his destination already in mind. He bobs and weaves through traffic, smirking at idiot drivers who blare their horns at him when he inches too close to their precious car but even they are not enough to rain on his parade. 

When he finally arrives, he bounces off the bike throwing the helmet onto the handlebar carelessly before bounding over to the figure he sees waiting. 

He can’t help the smile that tugs against his lips, ultimately setting it free as the figure turns around at the sound of his boot stomping on the ground. 

“Did you wait long?” He asks moving closer until he can feel the heat wafting off the body in front of him. 

“No, I only just got here too. Why are you smiling like that? You look deranged.” 

He smiles wider, feeling mischievous after what a certain klutz had revealed to him with a smirk he leans closer to her, grinning harder when she leans back looking at him with a confused glare. 

“I heard from a certain birdie that you followed me to the hospital and that you get jealous when other girls give me food. Is that true princess?” 

Sujin growls at him, shoving his shoulder hard before stomping away to the park bench. He eagerly follows after her, throwing his arm over her shoulder smiling at her wearing yet another one of his sweaters, this time a black one that reaches the bottom of her knees and completely hides whatever she is wearing underneath. She looks equally sexy as adorable and it makes his blood boil in a way he has been trying harder and harder to suppress around her. 

“I knew you would try to milk the situation. This isn’t why I told you everything.” 

He smiles recalling what Sujin is referring to. 

Just a day go.....

He stares angrily at his phone in utter disbelief that she would have the gall to call him after what had just happened. She had left on another boy’s motorcycle even though he had asked her not to, he didn’t know what was going on but seeing her leave like that, he wished he knew how to turn off all his feelings for her. No other human should have this kind of power or control over him but here he was ready to burst because she had picked someone else over him. 

“What do you want?” He barks out answering the call with a hard press of his finger and immediately he starts to lose some of his fire when he hears her soft staggered breaths on the other line. 

“Seojun, can you meet me somewhere?” 

He wants to say no, to bitterly hang up on her and tell her that he has someone new too but that would be a lie and he desperately wants to see her and hold her and find out why she decided to rip his heart out and stomp on it.  

Feeling pathethic he answers her with a sigh, “Where are you?”  

Songnisan park. It’s not too far from their school and he hangs up without answering hopping on his bike and riding to her. Maybe it’s stupid but he can’t turn his back on her just yet, he still wants to hear her out even if she’s going to break his heart. 

By the time he reaches the park it’s raining, pouring down in sheets despite the warm weather and he immediately sees Sujin sitting under the downpour while other park goers are running and using picnic blankets as makeshift umbrellas. 

The scenes feels all too familiar and he wonders if this will be their end? Would life be that poetic to have them end the same way they became? 

Sighing he tugs his sweater off, walking quickly to close the gap between them before sitting beside her and thrusting his sweater above both their heads, protecting them from the rain. 

She turns to him with a gasp and he realizes how closely they are sitting beside each other, he can feel her breath when she exhales and it washes over in an intoxicating breeze. He has to forcibly put some distance between them before he does something that he knows he shouldn’t, especially not now. 

“My father knows about us. He saw me at the hospital and I’m scared he saw your mother and sister too. I don’t think I should visit anymore.” 

He pauses to process her words and he feels his chest tighten with anger at the mention of that sub-human, if he ever tried to harm a hair on his family’s head that would be the last thing he ever did. But once the rage passes by he thinks of the rest of Sujin’s sentence, my father knows about us. 

They were an us. 

There was an us for people to know about? 

“Us?” He replies stupidly, unable to stop his heart from fluttering. 

With a sound of exasperation she looks over at him, “How is that the most important thing that I said?” The pretty blush on her face does not go unnoticed but he responds to her statement staying focused, “My mom was discharged today. They said it was just a scare and nothing serious. He can’t do anything to us, if he tries I’ll kill him.” 

He means it, every single word falling from his lips. 

He’s not prepared for Sujin to sob and drop her head onto his shoulder, he drops their sweater umbrella at the sudden pleasant weight feeling the rain drench his hair and shirt instantly. 

“I’m so happy to hear that. I was so worried about all of you.” 

A bubble of happiness explodes in his chest and he’s so close to just letting go of all his anger and holding her, seeing her so worried about his family is almost enough to undo him. 

But, he can’t forget the image of her riding off with someone else. His heart will never forget that ache, that indescribable pain.

“So you care about me now? Is that why you left me like that today? Because you care so much?”

He is being petty, he knows that but he can’t stop the jealousy that is fueling him right now. His green eyed monster is raring its ugly head. 

“That’s the guy you told me to stand up, remember? That’s the guy my father is trying to sell me to. He’s been following us and he knew about you, he threatened you. I did what I had to, I have to do this until I speak to Suho’s father. I think.....No. I’m ready now. I’m going to tell him everything and ask for his help.” 

His heart is pounding erratically in his chest, he can barely hear the rain over the loud thumping of the organ and he can’t believe he ever doubted her, feels guilt twist around him but he pushes that aside to take in everything she has confessed to him, without saying the words she has all but confirmed everything Jukyeong carelessly exposed to him in the coffee shop, she cares about him too enough to want to protect him at any cost. But most importantly she was starting to care about herself, she no longer saw her life as expendable and was willing to ask for help even at the expense of revealing her darkest secret and getting her hopes up. 

Fuck she was the bravest person he knew. 

Without thinking he tugs her into his arms, wrapping her in a tight hug before he realizes what he’s doing but by the time he starts to move back she’s already hugging him back, her arms tight around his shoulder and her head in the dip of his neck and it’s too perfect to stop now. Absently he strokes her wet silky smooth hair and when they finally draw apart, the barest amount of space between them he takes another risk, glancing at her eyes pleading and then smiling when she nods, giving him permission even without knowing what he plans to do, simply trusting him, he leans forward and plants a soft butterfly kiss on her forehead, she hisses in response but instead of moving away she latches on to him tighter. 

“I’m so proud of you baby.” He kisses her again, firmer this time putting all the love and pride he feels for her in that gentle kiss to her brow. 

He expects a lot of things in response to his bold move and the new nickname, a punch, a kick, her loud denial and rejection, he is emotionally prepared for any and all of those reactions, but instead she steals his breath away when she smiles up at him, looking into his eyes and he realizes that she’s looking for permission too and he nods, nervous and anxious to see what she will do. 

With a moment’s hesitation she tugs him down and he goes easily, his heart in his chest and he closes his eyes as her face draws closer to him, his heart is pattering now a crazy thundering mess filled to the brim with anticipation. 

He feels her plush lips against his cheek, the rain making the skin slick and he hums in encouragement as the kiss lingers before he opens his eyes and immediately they are lost in each other’s eyes and he can feel their faces moving closer as if opposite ends of a magnet and he waits for her to stop them, to push him away and run off but she is just as lost as him, moving closer too and when only centimeters separate their lips, a loud crash of thunder booms high above their heads making them jump apart, both flying to opposite ends of the bench. 

“We should...um get out of this rain before we catch a cold.” 

The ride home is awkward and he can barely breathe with how tightly she’s holding his waist but he smiles through the rain, taking care to move carefully on the wet streets not wanting to hurt Sujin and then they are in front of Suho’s apartment, much too fast to his disappointment. 

They both sit unmoving for a few seconds before Sujin releases his waist from her death grip and gets off the bike. 

“Let’s talk over there for a minute.” He states dismounting too and walking over to the scaffold so they can escape the torrential rain for a moment at least. 

They stand awkwardly shivering from the cold in their wet clothes, it’s obvious that Sujin is embarrassed about what happened- their kisses-but he can barely contain his joy, if he were alone right now he would be doing backflips. 

This day as made a complete 180 turn for the better. 

“I have to pretend to date him. We already agreed to come to school tomorrow. He agreed to stop following me if I let him take me to school and go on dates. He has to put on a show for his father too.” She says talking so fast that the words slur together and he wonders absently if she’s nervous? And if so, why? Was she nervous about his reaction? 

He nods in understanding, “Okay. I forgot to say it earlier, but thank you for telling me and not leaving me in the dark. I appreciate it.” 

That’s the logical part of his response, he knows what it took for Sujin to involve him in her plan and how huge it is that she hadn’t wanted him to misunderstand her feelings and motives. But she’s still the girl that he likes and he can’t help the illogical things that flood his mind too. 

“Not on his motorcycle though.”

She looks at him with a deep searching stare and he simply stares back, nonplussed. He knows what he sounds like, a bargaining jealous boyfriend. That’s exactly what he wants to be so he sees no reason to attempt to explain himself, whatever she’s thinking is true and he isn’t the least bit ashamed to admit it. At his unabashed stare she crumples looking away with a barely hidden smile, “Okay. Not on his bike. Even though I never told you that you were allowed to have conditions, this isn’t a negotiation.” She complains but the sting is gone because she has already agreed to his request, he flashes a smile at her. 

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow. I will have to act jealous, that shouldn’t be too hard.” He winks at her and this time she does try to punch him, he barely dodges her fist. 

Such a violent little thing. 

“I never said you had to do anything.”

He shrugs, “It makes sense. I like you so it would only make sense that I would be jealous if I thought you were dating someone else, plus he will probably want to see that too.” 

She’s as red as a strawberry as she sprints away from him without another word, waving at him over her shoulder. 

He smiles all the way home, before falling into bed after a much needed warm shower, his toes and fingers were like ice chips when he finally got home. 

Remembering one more thing, he grabs his phone shooting a quick text message. 

Don’t let him call you nicknames. Only Sujin. 

Reading it back he determines that the message is a bit too...commanding and if he wants to keep a certain boot out of his ass he better fix it so he swiftly adds:

Please. 

Present time....

“I didn't do anything. She just suddenly started telling me how much you adore me and how you can’t live without me and that I should just forgive you and take you back.” He sniffles dramatically watching amused as Sujin rolls her eyes, before angrily pulling out her phone, he laughs suddenly worried for Jukyeong so he snatches the object from her hands, much to her chagrin. 

“I might have exaggerated about what she said, a teeny tiny bit.” He demonstrates the small amount with his fingers and she glares at him biting out, “Liar,” before snatching back her phone and stuffing it in her pockets with a grumble. 

Getting serious he turns to look at her with anticipation, “How did it go? Were you able to tell him everything?” She is staring out at the horizon, despite him boring a hole in the side of her head begging for eye contact. 

“I hesitated. I lost my confidence.”

He can hear the defeat in her voice and without a pause he opens his mouth to comfort her and tell her how strong she is and explain why this is just a minor setback but next time they can go together and if she needs him to he will hold her hand the entire time and give her every last drop of his support and--

“But then I got a message and it gave me courage. So I told him everything and he agreed to help me. He wants to send my dad to jail, not just emancipate me.” 

She did it. 

She really did it. 

He smiles at her wider than the ocean. 

“You did it, Sujin.”

She stares at him in palpable shock, he immediately knows why it’s not often he uses her name and he expects her to be happy that he isn’t calling her the nickname she is always dismissing, she’s always so adamant that she is not a princess much less his princess.  

“Don’t call me that.” She says finally turning to meet his eyes and he stares back confused because he had only said her name, why was that a problem? Wasn’t that what she had been trying to get him to call her since the first time he dubbed her princess? 

“What do you want me to call you then?” 

He is truly asking but the look she gives him makes him feel like the dunce in the corner of the room and realization unfurls in his body like a slow moving tsunami and he smiles unbridled at the epiphany. 

He hasn’t wanted to get his hopes up by making assumptions about what this is but maybe it’s time that he have some confidence now, he was someone important to her. She had already proved that in so many ways these past days. 

Taking her hand in his, he smiles brightly at her. 

It’s the first time that he has held her hand, and he can feel the damaged skin in his own smoother hand. His heart aches for only a moment, her hands are just like her they might look bruised and pitiful at first glance but beneath the broken surface lurked unimaginable strength and power and just like the rest of her, they were imperfectly perfect. He never wanted to hold another hand, this was the only one he needed. 

“Good job, you did it Princess.” 

She smiles up at him, looking gorgeous-heart stoppingly so-and he can’t help the way his chest constricts as if he didn’t know it already he knows it now unequivocally . 

He, Han Seojun belongs to Kang Sujin. 

[gayspock]

honestly not to go on but it's quite embarrassing sometimes <3

been feeling like shite again, beloveds

[magebomb]

I don’t want to be a part of this I don’t want to share the blame I don’t have to know the body count But I will, oh, but I will

It’s been a while since I’ve done anything, or shared anything for Ignite. I don’t have much, and it’s getting completely flipped around, with the same themes. I’m taking some bravery and sharing a bit of what I wrote on my original story. (Take it with a grain of salt, I’m an artist–not a writer)

EDIT: HEY I messed up my other post of this by trying to make the readmore work on mobile, so uh. Here’s a repost.  

Walking away from everything was not easy.

That was the sort of thing that ended in whispers between soldiers, those who were tired and should’ve never enlisted in the first place. It happened between people with dissonance in their heart. With the ones who spoke their script under scrutiny, but spat venom from under a cloak of security.

It was always something that just came with the backdrop. You shouldered the sentiments like an extra piece of gear to go between the Geiger counter and canteen. The uniforms were so covered pockets, it hid well–something you could easily forget until the morning recount.

Nobody really meant it. Sure, sometimes a soldier walked away. Maybe they disappeared into a foreign village. They could’ve dropped their helmet in the street and walked into gunfire. Words may have flown, only to have the person disappear the next day. Their names forgotten in a week to all but those who really gave a shit about them.

Every bit of it was a distant sort of idealism that held so little reality to most.

Here he was–walking away. That reality had all but shattered from under him.

He was home. Home didn’t hold the same weight for him that it did for most others. It was only a small security detail. The base held one of the larger weapons facilities on this side of the midwest, and they needed the manpower to guard it. That duty fell on most any enlisted who knew how to hold a rifle without shooting themselves in the foot.

The need for bodies was up. They attributed it to something vague. Something that was out of his pay grade to know about. Organized crime was the obvious answer. They had volleyed for munitions with the military for a long time now.  

He was in a blindspot between cameras. Not in any sense of convenience to him–only that they needed extra eyes to watch said blind spots. It wasn’t a perfect opportunity. He could so much as make one step to his right and the camera had him in full peripheral view. To the left, though? To the left was the key. It took pressing his back into the wall and his rifle held close enough to his body that it wouldn’t swing forward and activate the motion sensor.

That’s the funny thing about being trained for stuff like this. They drill and drill the procedure and protocol until they hope it sticks into their plastic little army men. There’s no chance it could be thrown back in their faces. No, that was inconceivable. Really, true deceit was far from his mind, as he walked away. As he slid past that camera and stepped away from the armory. As he kept himself to a brisk walk. The helmet hid his face, and his expression in kind, but he had to keep control of his feet. Everyone would alert on the sight of a running soldier.

The urge to sprint still bit at him. It spilled out from the stilted breaths behind his helmet and he barely suppressed the urge to toss aside his rifle and book it across the base.

A half-track rolled by, full of soldiers likely headed to the ancillary base on the other side of the city. They were kitted less than him, save for one or two actually on duty and not just bunked up for a trip. Still, he found himself hooked onto the back, swinging up to the edge. Supply crates hid him from those on the vehicle, and it had served him well enough to get him through the checkpoint at the gate. Everyone unaware, thanks to the anonymity his uniform afforded him. If he kept his head down, he would make it.

He made it. Opportunity to ditch the vehicle rose when the city actually began to show a civilian population no longer culled by the oppressive nature of the military base. Here, he hopped off the back of the half-track and jogged the short distance between the street and an alley. People left him at it. A geared up and armed soldier on the streets detaching from his company with an obvious purpose? Not something the average person really wanted to mess with. He wasn’t afraid to use that little bit to his advantage–temporarily.

Crouching now, in the alley, he palmed the charge from his rifle and stuffed it behind a dumpster. He wasn’t aware he had company until he finally yanked the helmet off, his face immediately stinging with the early autumn chill.

A woman’s gasp accompanied the movement, and he wheeled around, helmet still in his hands. The look she flashed him said that she had never really seen someone like him without a faceplate before, let alone someone with such a young face. She wasn’t sure of why he was there, standing in front of her in that alley.

She held no real threat. Not with her sparkling dress, lit up by the focused street lights. Her heels dangled from one hand, and from the other a perched a lit cigarette. She had a name tag that said something he couldn’t read from their distance from one another.

Still he froze, while her mouth worked like she wanted to say something. Maybe she would scream? It wasn’t like he could do anything about it. Not a civilian. Not one whose work break was interrupted by something that would make quite a story later.

He chose the most elegant option. The one where he tossed the helmet aside like a hot coal and darted further into the alley. A chain-link fence blocked off the back, garnished with hardly any remaining barbed wire at the top. It was easy enough work to scale it and drop himself to the other side. “Hey–!” Her high voice called out, but he was too busy sliding into a turn to get the hell away from the street.

He shed gear like a hemorrhage. Most of it he tried to stash, in piles here and there for people to find later and sell. All but the base fatigues on his back, and his dog tags. He really didn’t care. The worst was that rifle. It wouldn’t fire without the charge, and especially not without his fingerprint. But that was the problem. If found, there’d be no doubt it was his, and it still pointed a big fucking glowing arrow in his direction.

So he made his path through the city a convoluted one. A confused one. It wasn’t like he knew what to do or where to go.

Because here he was, walking away.

He could see the made-up future file in his head. One held between officers with a angry red confidentiality stamp on it.

Dallan Macguire. Twenty-three years old. Barely.

Didn’t he have a promotion recently? A inconsequential rank that meant nothing but that he was moving up. A corporal. That was a good start. Soon a sargent and later even further. He could be the career type. ‘I don’t know,’ one would surely say, ‘them Marine guys aren’t into that.’

No, you’re mistaken, he’s affiliated with that—He was bound for trial.

Twenty-three fucking years. Dallan shivered now, shoved between the wall and a pile of trash. He could feel the pulse of whatever business was on the other side of the brick. Music of some sort, with a low beat that drove people through a chilling night like this. He let that sound ground him as he slowly emptied the clip from his remaining gun. It was a small one. Ballistic since the pulse rifles weren’t always so dependable.

Click, click, click. Each bullet fell as a punctuation.

Eighteen, mostly, quiet years. Five years of family, again. Five tumultuous and controversial years he really wouldn’t have put up with if it weren’t for the people he had surrounded himself with.

Three whole fucking days of absolute hell that led up to today. Three goddamned days on the chopping block.

Really, this would still be favorable to what would’ve been an incoming court martial.

===

The steps were killer. It called back memories to movies where the characters always exclaimed: ‘Oh, it couldn’t get worse!’ before rain would break open over their heads. Yeah, Dallan had plenty of that. Rain. Like something said he wasn’t miserable enough, that the fucking sky had to crack open while he couldn’t even fathom a roof over his head to protect him from the onslaught. Poetic…probably. If he gave a fuck about that.

Now it made the steps difficult. Breathe wheezed in Dallan’s chest the further he went. He wouldn’t complain so much on normal day, but it hurt to breathe today even when he wasn’t moving in the first place. Hell, it hurt to exist at the moment. The pain warred between that in his chest and the sloppily covered burns on his hands. Both a wonderful reminder of stupidity that led him to his next brilliant idea.

There was an elevator here, but it felt wrong. The complex wasn’t all that ritzy, but it was clean. He was not. Soot that clung to parts of his jacket and fatigues he couldn’t quite scrub out with just the rain to help. Even Dallan himself was sure he looked a tad crazed from lack of sleep. Here was probably his fifth stupid idea of the week. He needed contact, and he needed help. He didn’t want the help but he still selfishly sought it out like some pathetic…something.

Dallan shook his head, dodging the step that tried to trip his toes up. A curse fell from him, ringing up and through the deserted stairwell with no answer.  

Dallan leaned against the railing for a moment, needing to catch his tight breath. It had been almost impossible to track this apartment down, at first, but Dallan got it with enough patience that he almost didn’t have. He couldn’t use his own ID to use a terminal. Not without getting honed in on in a heartbeat. But not everyone kept a tight eye on their own.

It was a simple swipe, a search, and he found it. Jarringly easy, at that point.  

The database for this guy was startlingly sparse. No real history listed. Nothing but a current residence and current employment. There wasn’t even the scarring mark of an extra database entry that marred a select few.

But now in that apartment complex he had hunted down, Dallan’s steps grew heavier with each flight of stairs.  

Not heavy enough to stop him from edging his way to the landing he was looking for and out the door into the hallway. Silence greeted him. It was that strange hour of the evening where people either holed up at home with dinner, or kept to the city to shake off their work day.

Silence accompanied him to the door he was looking for: apartment 514. He killed it by rapping his knuckles in a knock.

For a beat, he began to hope nobody was home.  

A beat that didn’t last too long before the door opened a crack.

Most people wouldn’t even go that far, instead choose to use the view hole to decide if they wanted to ignore their visitor or not. Not like this guy had that choice.

There was definitely a chain on the door, and accordingly it barely opened onto the empty light of the apartment beyond and a hesitant response. “I didn’t order any–” a low man’s voice responded, intercepted by Dallan’s hand jamming into the space to swipe at the chain. When it popped off of it’s hook, he gave the door a strong shove with his shoulder. The person on the other side had to have staggered back with the force, because it only met with the slightest resistance before swinging completely open.

Dallan extended his arms, a gun training upwards on the face of the man inside the apartment.

“Back up,” He spoke as steady as the tremor in his voice could let him. “Hands up, and back the fuck up.” Here he was. His fifth, sixth, seventh stupid idea of the week. A barrel pointed straight at a face that had only sharpened out with age from the last time he had seen it as a teenager.

Here he was, pointing a weapon at a frightened blind man who’s dinner had been interrupted. His hands still at his side, despite the order and the compliant steps backwards.

Here he was, threatening someone he was rapidly realizing that he’d have preferred the court martial to doing this. Preferred the imprisonment and whatever might follow.

Someone who didn’t remember Dallan like he remembered him, as completely evident with the lack of recognition on his face.

It didn’t make anything easier, Dallan thought, kicking the door shut behind him.

[riahandherthoughts]

‘THE’ Friday Night  //my childhood memory

Elizabeth and I once hid a boy in her closet. 

Okay - maybe not exactly that, but he did sleep in there.

We had spent the night being teenage rebels, deciding to drink peach schnapps down by the lake - which was more of an oversized pond. 

But one didn’t tell the neighborhood kids that.  They were defensive about their lake.

We quietly tiptoed back into her house way past midnight after our three person drinking party - one I spent most of the time watching Elizabeth make out with this boy who did not hide in her closet. 

Apparently he wasn’t going anywhere until his dad picked him up the next morning, so he was sorta stuck at her house. Which was super awkward because she couldn’t just kick him out. 

He hadn’t planned on sleeping since all he brought was a backpack that literally only held the alcohol, well it had before Beth and him drank the entire bottle.

I was the bad ass who only took a small sip of the peach flavored shot before I made a gross face - deciding then that I wouldn’t drink after all. At that point getting drunk wasn’t worth the nastiness I would have to swallow in order to achieve such an objective.

Apparently, I had this realistic idea that the alcohol would taste yummy and get me drunk at the same time. Because I was such an expert on these things.

After all, who would bother to drink something so often if it never tasted any good? 

Imagine my disappointment upon discovering that alcohol wasn��t tasty after all! My excitement for how drunk I’d get that night slowly deflated. 

It wasn’t as if I had been looking forward to this night for weeks and weeks and weeks… 

I spent the night completely sober while watching others drink.

The past month was spent in such anticipation that I began to daydream scenarios of what could possibly happen that night. 

None of these scenarios played out the same way my night ended up - not even fucking close.

I certainly didn’t spend time daydreaming about my best friend making out with a strange boy, the one who didn’t spend the night in her closet, as I sat nearby watching.  Spending time thinking about Elizabeth kissing people wasn’t exactly a habit of mine. 

And fine - maybe I didn’t stare at the two of them conceiving mouth babies after all. I did think think about it for quite awhile, though. 

Then again, I was kinda sorta having an internal struggle with myself while Elizabeth casually made out with someone she had only just met and that was something I found absolutely inconceivable in my 12 year old mind.

This 12 year old could not figure out if she should look away, speak up, or actively stare at them like the creep she really wanted to be just to be a butthead. 

I don’t really know if I ever figured out what the hell to do with myself. There’s a chance that I indeed sat there floundering over my options the entire time they spent making out. 

For the next thing I knew they had stopped as abruptly as they had began - the trigger to what finally short circuited my brain. 

I was officially done with this night. 

I think it was done with me as soon as I tasted the alcohol. 

As I mentioned toward the very beginning, this boy was basically stuck at Beth’s house, but her parents could not discover him being here. We were barely teenagers. I doubt her dad would have been happy, and he could get pretty fucking scary when angered. 

We often compared him to a huge ass bear - it was pretty accurate.

Elizabeth’s solution to this predicament was pretty simple: she offered for him to sleep in her closet.

Offered - as if presenting her closet was such a selfless act done in consideration for this kid we hardly knew and who we were not going to hide in the closet - oh wait–

I’m still convinced we mostly became friends with him in order to obtain booze.

The most hilarious thing was that this kid was totally cool with sleeping in her small ass closet. 

As soon as she offered it he made himself at home in there, clearly he was offered closets to sleep in on the regular.

I can’t recall if her closet was even organized that night. For all I knew, he might have slept on top of Elizabeth’s dirty laundry, the ideal bed everyone needed, of course.

Eventually we slept, I guess, my short circuited brain must have fucked with my memory or some shit because I can’t remember. 

While I can easily remember what my thoughts were the whole night as if this memory didn’t happen 9ish years ago. 

And that made complete sense.

Did I mention this happened 9 years ago? 

The next thing I remember is when our new friend [our booze provider] was getting picked up. 

Of course, Elizabeth’s dad had to choose that particular moment to emerge from her parents room only to see us two girls showing a boy to the door with a backpack in his possession.

I wonder what his immediate impression of that was. I would have laughed at our situation had I not been an active participant. One did not want to be on the receiving end of her dad’s very unhappy glower - as if there’s any other kind. 

My best friend ended up saving our asses in her expert way of taking charge of situations and molding them into what suited her best at the time. She had always been a smooth liar, being so convincing that it was scary sometimes. 

Concerning these kinds of situations, however, those qualities become incredibly helpful to have. 

I’m gonna go with saying that having an Elizabeth in your back pocket is helpful.

There, I like the sound of that better. 

My best friend is my trump card. 

The secret weapon I keep hidden unless I have no other choice

The ace in the hole. 

My personal “Get Out of Jail Free” card.

Okay - I’m done now - all out of my system.

Anyway, her dad immediately channeled protective father bear - bear persona #1. 

His first question was something along the lines of  ‘What is a boy doing in my house?' - he and I both wanted that answer.

Never missing a bit, Elizabeth spouted off half truths and words that were utter bullshit until she had put together a false story that was valid enough for her dad to finally believe before heading back to sleep.

Final crisis averted, we watched the boy that we didn’t mean to hide in a closet but kind of did in the end leave. Pleasantries might have been exchanged like discussing hanging out again but not really meaning it  - or fuck I don’t know.

But wait wasn’t our motivation to befriending him based on alcohol? 

Are we becoming actual friends to him now? 

Wait - what the hell is even going anymore. 

I got too carried away in all my jokes - so I’m just lost here.

My brain short circuited remember. 

How many more times do you think I can use that as an excuse?

Is it obvious now that the story has come to the very end? 

Well, it has. 

— 

This is the debut for a new writing series I’ve created. This series is inspired by my best friend Elizabeth, for the most part. It’ll consist of childhood memories that I’ll write into a story of some sort. Each one will be about my time spent at Elizabeth’s house and everything that connects with it. 

My memories from spending time there were always unique and out of the box. Memories someone HAD to write about about because they were that different and entertaining. It’s as if they were meant to be written about, ya know? 

So, yeah, look forward to that, I suppose!

[omegangrins]

Attack the Block - The Hulk Deconstructs the Modern Hero

The full movie:

Rewatching this movie because of our new love of Jodie Whittaker, and I was reminded of this review from the Hulk. It's strangely worded but takes a refreshing perspective on the idea of a protagonist. This is what he says about John Boyega's character Moses, and heroic characters overall.

My favorite bit is from the end though:

**OKAY NOW FOR WHAT MOST SPECIAL OF ALL: ATTACK THE BLOCK DONE SOMETHING THAT HULK CAN NO REMEMBER A SINGLE OTHER FILM.

IT GOT MOSES RIGHT.

TO CLARIFY, HULK NOT TALKING ABOUT THE COMMANDMENT GUY, BUT INSTEAD THE LEAD CHARACTER OF ATTACK THE BLOCK AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, THE KIND OF CHARACTER HE IS AND WHY IT SO IMPORTANT.

HULK NOTICING THAT SOME FOLKS SORT NOT REALLY GETTING WHAT MAKE MOSES GREAT. THEY CERTAINLY GET THE FEELING AND UNDERCURRENT OF WHAT OCCUR (IT SO WONDERFULLY ENGAGING IT HARD NOT TO), BUT THE COLLECTIVE SUMMARY OF MOSES’ CHARACTER’S JOURNEY SEEM TO BE MORE OF A “HE TAKING RESPONSIBILITY NOW!” KIND OF THING… AND THAT TOTALLY FAIR BECAUSE HULK NOT ENTIRELY SURE IT OBVIOUS:

MOSES IS AND ALWAYS WAS THE KIND OF PERSON WHO WOULD RISK HIS LIFE FOR SOMEONE ELSE. AND IN REAL LIFE, THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE EXTREMELY COMPLICATED.

LET’S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT. MOST SCREENWRITERS HAVE A PRETTY SHITTY CONCEPT OF HOW HEROES WORK.

1) MOST OF THE TIMES THE AUDIENCE IS TREATED TO AN ENDLESSLY REGURGITATED JOSEPH CAMPBELL VERSION, WITH THE SAME PAINT BY NUMBERS ANSWERING THE CALL BULLSHIT WE SEE TIME AND TIME AGAIN. HULK TOO THOUGHT IT A NOBEL CONCEPT ONCE… IN 8TH GRADE. ANYONE WHO CITES THAT STUFF AS GOOD STORYTELLING HAS TO TAKE SCREENWRITING 102 NOW. YES, IT A HANDY ARCHETYPE AND UNDERCURRENT OF ALL HEROES (EVEN MOSES), BUT SOLE DEPENDENCE ON IT FOR STORYTELLING WILL RENDER ANYTHING YOU TRYING TO DO COMPLETELY ROTE AND POINTLESS. STAY AWAY WRITERS. STAY AWAY.

2) MOST REAL LIFE HEROES ARE ALPHA PERSONALITIES. MOST SCREENWRITERS ARE BETA PERSONALITIES. A.K.A. PEOPLE WHO POSSIBLY SPENT THEIR FORMATIVE YEARS BEING TERRORIZED BY ALPHA PERSONALITIES.

TO COMBAT THIS OBVIOUS PROBLEM HEROES ARE WRITTEN BY BETA PERSONALITES IN SEVERAL WAYS:

A) THE BETA BECOMES THE PASSIVE HERO, WHO MEANT TO REFLECT DECENCY AND EVENTUALLY GET THE GIRL JUST BY BEING DECENT GUY! (HINT: THIS ACTUALLY NOT HOW IT WORKS AND SAID HERO WHO THINK THEY DECENT GUY NOT ACTUALLY A DECENT GUY. JUST UNDERDEVELOPED AND LIKELY WILL TURN INTO BITTER ASSHOLE ONCE THEY ENCOUNTER THE TERRIFYING EQUALITY OF ADULTHOOD). OH AND ALL THE WHILE THEY TERRORIZED BY IDIOTIC ALPHA PERSONALITY VILLAINS. THEY WILL LIKELY BE RICH OR FOOTBALL PLAYERS. HULK JUST DESCRIBED 99% OF 80S MOVIES. MOVING ON…

B) THE BETA IMAGINES A HERO NOT BASED ON HEROIC QUALITIES BUT INSTEAD JUST THE ANTITHESIS OF ALL THEIR WEAKNESSES. PERFECT EXAMPLE? JAMES BOND. THE IMPOSSIBLY SUAVE GUN-TOTING LADY-FUCKER EXTRAORDINAIRE WHO NEARLY NEED TO SLAP A GIRLS BUT TO SHOW HER WHAT’S WHAT… HULK KNOW LOTS ABOUT BOND. AND NEEDLESS TO SAY THERE PROBLEMS WITH THE CONCEPT.

C) IGNORE ALL THIS AND CREATE YOUR HERO CENTERED AROUND A LARGER SOCIAL CONCEPT. IT CAN BE ANYTHING FROM FEMALE EMPOWERMENT TO CIVIL RIGHTS TO WHATEVER. POPULAR IN COMICS, DISNEY FILMS, BLAXPLOITATION AND OTHER STUFF.

AND D) THE MUCH MORE INTERESTING AND SUCCESSFUL RECENT SOLUTION HAS BEEN THE ADVANCEMENT OF THE MODERN ANTI-HERO. AT BEST THEY REPRESENT THE HUMANE AND UN-PERFECT QUALITY OF THE SEMI-HEROIC FIGURE THE AUDIENCE INVESTS IN… AT WORST THEY REFLECT THE BETA WRITER’S OWN SHORTCOMINGS, BUT WITH BETTER LINES THEY WISH THEY SAID IN REAL LIFE AND A FORCED AUDIENCE TO ROOT FOR THEM… HULK PRETTY SURE WOODY ALLEN IS THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER DID THIS WELL (BTW, HULK KNOW A LOT ABOUT ALPHA AND BETA PERSONALITIES. WHY? CAUSE HULK THE FUCKING HULK. HE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS BANNER/BIG GREEN GUY SHIT FOR LIFE. SO HULK GOT IT DOWN).

BUT WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT? THERE’S ACTUALLY THAT RARE ANSWER E)… ONE SO IMPOSSIBLY RARE HULK CAN ONLY ACCOUNT THE HANDFUL OF TIMES HULK SEEN IT.

THE ACTUAL, REAL HERO.

WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR YOU TO PICK UP A GUN, SWORD, WHATEVER THE HELL, AND RUN OUT IN FRONT TO DEFEND YOUR FRIENDS? TO LEGITIMATELY SACRIFICE YOURSELF.

… THINK ABOUT IT.

IT SOMETHING PEOPLE SEE TIME AND TIME AGAIN IN MOVIES AND YET IT SOMETHING WE NEVER REALLY QUESTION WITH OUR OWN LIVES. WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR YOU TO DEFEND YOUR FRIENDS? THE MOST OBVIOUS EXAMPLE IS THE MILITARY. GRANTED, THE MILITARY AND THE REASONS FOR JOINING OFTEN PAINTED IN ROSES. IN BRUTAL HONESTY, LOTS JOIN BECAUSE THEY WANT TO KILL STUFF, IT WAS FORCED ON THEM, OR MOST OFTEN THEY JUST NEED THE MONEY. BUT LOST IN THESE CYNICAL REASONS ARE THE THOUSANDS OF MEN AND WOMEN FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE WHO JOIN TO CONTRIBUTE TO SOMETHING BIGGER THAN THEMSELVES. IT’S HEADY, HONORABLE STUFF. SOMETHING THAT THE POSH, LIBERALLY MINDED WORLD OF HULK AND EVERYONE ELSE FORGET. SACRIFICE = REAL. BUT IF OFTEN TAKE A FLAWED, INTERESTING, AND DEEPLY WOUNDED KIND OF PERSONALITY TO GET TO THAT PLACE OF SACRIFICE. IT RARELY A WHOLLY NOBLE PURSUIT.

AND HULK HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT YOU ALSO MEET A LOT OF THESE HEROIC PERSONALITIES IN INNER CITIES.

AND OFTEN THEY IN GANGS.

THIS ALL SOUND VERY COUNTER INTUITIVE HULK KNOW, BUT HEAR HULK OUT. THERE ARE INNER CITY ALPHA MALES BUILT UP AROUND POMP, CIRCUMSTANCE, AND POSTURE (THIS ALPHA MALE WELL REPRESENTED BY THE LEAD, BAD DRUG CHARACTER IN THE FILM). THE OTHER ALPHA MALE IS EQUALLY COMPLICATED. BUT THEIR PERCEIVED STRENGTH COMES NOT FROM FEAR, BUT SURVIVAL INSTINCT. THAT BECAUSE THIS KIND OF ALPHA MALE OFTEN BROKEN BY HOME LIFE. THEY ARE OFTEN ABUSED. AS SUCH, THEY WILL LIKELY BULLY OUTSIDERS. THEY WILL OFTEN GET INTO SELLING DRUGS. THEY DON’T HAVE THE SOCIAL TOOLS FOR EDUCATION AND SCHOOL. THEIR PAIN OFTEN BROUGHT ON THEMSELVES AS MUCH AS IT IS DEALT TO THEM. IT CYCLICAL.

BUT IN THAT NEED TO SURVIVE, THEY WILL BE WHOLLY TERRITORIAL. THEY WILL DEFEND THEIR FRIENDS TO THE DEATH. AND THEY WILL DO SO IN THE MOST HEROIC TERMS THAT TOTALLY INCONCEIVABLE TO YOU AND HULK. THEY WILL DEAL WITH ADULT CONCEPTS OF RESPONSIBILITY OFTEN BY AGE 8 OR 9. THEY TAKE THE WEAKER UNDER THEIR WING. THEY WILL POSSESS A STRENGTH AND A WILL SO BEYOND WHAT WE HAVE AS TO ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS SOLDIERLY; ONE THAT IS OFTEN UNCHECKED, UNREGULATED, AND UNCARED FOR AS TO RENDER THE VERY CONCEPT OF SUCH A PERSON TO BE TERRIFYING.

THEY ARE THE HEROIC ALPHA MALE, JUST NOT WHAT WE ENVISION. THEY ARE THE MOST EXTREME VERSION OF THE SAME PSYCHOLOGY THAT CAUSE SOMEONE TO JOIN THE FIRE DEPARTMENT OR THE ARMY… IT JUST IN THE HAZE OF TRUE, HORRIBLE PEOPLE THAT GET INVOLVED IN THE INNER CITY NIGHTMARE, WE OFTEN HAVE HARD TIME SEEING THE GOOD PEOPLE WHO JUST DOING BAD THINGS.

WHY HULK KNOW ALL THIS SHIT? WHY HULK FEEL SO STRONGLY ABOUT IT? HULK’S FAMILY SPENT THEIR LIFE DEALING WITH IT. IT THE SUBJECT OF MAMA AND PAPA HULK’S LIFE WORK. HULK KNEW DOZENS OF MOSES’ (MOSII?). THEY IN EVERY CITY, ALMOST EVERY GROUP OF FRIENDS LIKE THIS. THEY NOT UNDESERVING OF OUR ATTENTION OR OUR COMPASSION. THEY OFTEN DO ALL KINDS OF WRONG, BUT THEIR PLIGHT FUCKING MATTERS. THEY MAY NOT GIVE A SINGLE SHIT ABOUT YOU, OR I, OR ANYONE WHO TRY TO HELP THEM. BUT THEY WILL MAKE A FAMILY IN THEIR MIND. AND THEY WILL PROTECT IT TO THE DAY THEY DAY. WHICH WILL LIKELY BE AT A VERY YOUNG AGE.

AND HULK SITTING HERE, RACKING BRAIN, TRYING TO THINK OF ANOTHER MOVIE THAT UNDERSTAND THE MOSES’ OF THE WORLD (THERE PROBABLY ONE. IN TELEVISION THERE THE CHARACTER OF MICHAEL FROM THE WIRE… THAT ALL HULK GOT). AND WHY THEY MATTER MORE THAN ANYTHING TO PEOPLE OF THE COMMUNITY. HULK LOOK BACK AT ATTACK THE BLOCK AND IT BRINGS TEARS TO HULK’S EYES. TRULY. IT SOUND IMPOSSIBLY DUMB, BUT HULK SWEAR. IT NOT DUMB. THE MOVIE AND CHARACTER OF MOSES COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND THE WORLD AND PSYCHOLOGY THEY TALKING ABOUT. JOE CORNISH BRILLIANTLY USE THE OUTWARD ALIEN THREAT THEY EXPLORE THE HEART AND STRANGE HEROISM OF THESE CONCEPTS. AND THE YOUNG ACTOR, JOHN BOYEGA SO TOTALLY BRING HIM TO LIFE. HE HAVE THIS AMAZING STOIC SCREEN PRESENCE THAT JUST GRAB YOU.

SO WHY THE STRANGE TITLE ATTACK THE BLOCK? BECAUSE THIS A FILM ABOUT TERRITORY. AND TERRITORY BEST MEANS “HOME” AND “COMMUNITY” IN THIS CASE; BEST EXPLORED THROUGH THAT SINGLE, AMAZING CHARACTER.

HULK SIMPLY CANNOT BELIEVE SOMEONE MADE A MOVIE ABOUT MOSES."

And the final, and best, scene of the movies.

[talesfromtheartbog]

Day 10 - Delicious

"Come, Sister. I know where the food is "

They couldn't remember their last meal, but it had to have been days. The Giant had been good to them. he took them in when they were orphaned and alone, and looked after them as they grew. But he had been gone for so long, perhaps even years, and had not left them anything to eat. Now, the house they lived in felt suspiciously like a prison. Their benefactor, like a master.

"But he will be so upset with us, Brother," Sister said, her brown eyes wide with worry. "He won't like it very much if we take his food."

"If he even comes back," Brother said, his own brown eyes narrowed with cunning and defiance. "Tell me, Sister, can you remember when he last looked after us? When we even last saw him?"

She couldn't, and the hunger gnawed at her belly. She was starving, and starvation would lead even the most obedient girl to rebel.

So she followed her brother, as he lead her to the Cave. It was a mighty thing, blocked off by mammoth doors, cold to the touch and inconceivable in their dimensions. They both knew the Giant kept his stores there, for they'd seen him draw from it countless times, but its mechanisms were inaccessible to them.

"I've been watching him when he accesses the Cave," Brother said, sitting at its base and observing the strange thing from below. "Do you see that handle up there? He uses that to open it."

"But how could we ever reach it?" Sister asked. "The Giant is so tall, and so strong, and so smart. We are so little. It would be best to wait. He will come back, and he will feed us again, and he will not be angry with us."

"Do you not want to eat?" Brother asked, rather curtly this time. "He may never return, and what then? You are hungry, as am I. Do not fret, for I have a plan. I am bigger and stronger than you, Sister, but even I cannot reach the handle. But you could, Sister, if you stood on my shoulders. I will stand here - you can climb up and then open the door."

And so Sister did, driven by the hunger gnawing at her very being. She clammored to Brother’s back, taking a short jogging leap to get there, and then stood on her tippie toes until she could barely, just barely reach the bar on the great door to the Cave. Grasping it was difficult for her, but like Brother, she too had watched the Giant go into the Cave to bring back food, so she had an idea of how it worked. She fumbled with the door until finally she hooked her arm into it and threw it open, falling back to put her whole body weight into the gesture.

A blast of frigid air greeted them as their eyes widened and their mouths immediately began to water, for the limitless cornucopia before them boggled their minds. They knew the Giant had been hoarding more food than he let on, but this was unbelievable. Fruits, vegetables, meats, creams, things they had never even had the chance to try in their young lives but always watched with envy as the Giant ate, all lied before them, begging to be tasted, to be savored.

And so they feasted. Voraciously, greedily, with untold relish did they consume the delicious bounty, and their hunger was at long last sated.

“What a shit day,” Greg thought to himself as he pulled into the garage. And indeed it had been. His boss had been a hardass all day over that project deadline, even though Greg had all his shit done in plenty of time and it was Todd who was slacking on the back-end programming. He also forgot his lunch and had to settle for an over-priced salad from the cafeteria that had started to go brown at least two days ago. And then there was that accident on 63 that slowed traffic to a trickle for a full 45 minutes, even though it had been mostly cleared and all but the right-most lane were open for traffic. Fucking morons in this town can’t drive.

Greg’s day did not get any better when he opened the door and found two unconscious dogs surrounded by avocado pits, smears of sour cream and, yes, the Texas Roadhouse leftovers he had forgotten to bring that morning and was so looking forward to having for dinner.

His first mistake was yelling at Sandy and Duke. He startled them out of their slumber, and unfortunately avocado and day-old Rattlesnake Bites are not really what dogs are meant to eat. Terrific, now he had to clean up sour cream AND diarrhea off the tile.

He threw them outside as he took stock of what was left in the fridge. Not much, unfortunately. They ate most of the shredded cheese and seem to have bitten straight through the deli bag to shred the sliced turkey to bits. For some reason they left the lime Jello alone but helped themselves to the cherry and blue raspberry. Thankfully the chocolate cake he had bought for the food day this Friday was safe on the top shelf, but for the most part he was going to have to head back to the store early if he wanted very much to eat for the rest of the week. How the fuck did they even open the door?

Still, he couldn’t be too mad at them for too long. As he turned away from the fridge in disgust he saw Sandy and Duke staring at him from the patio, their big brown eyes filled with that special blend of remorseful adoration that only dogs can show when they know they’ve pissed off their humans. Still, he’d leave them out there for at least a little bit longer, if only to make sure their asses were done leaking and they didn't get in the way while he cleaned this mess up.

But at least some good came out of it. Now he wouldn’t have to worry about feeding them dinner tonight.

[supernaturally-throned]

Fuck aight so I just saw a post on suicide and realized. I’ve never really talked about my attempt before, at least not in detail. A few of my friends found out when I was drunk once cause I couldn’t keep my mouth closed smh and I lightly told one of my friends after she said unknowingly said something shitty about people who commit. I’m just going to talk about it. I don’t really have a reason but I feel like I should finally let this out.

I was a sophomore in high school and shit was getting really bad with my family, particularly my dad. I’m not going to go into detail with that, but it was a bad situation. I was majorly depressed, and ended up getting diagnosed by my family physician a month after I attempted (she didn’t even know about the attempt). She theorized it was a hormone imbalance triggered by certain events that had transpired in my personal life. So when I should’ve gotten over it, the hormone imbalance instead made it worse and last for months. My mom was an alcoholic at the time and was riding me hard about school, gymnastics, and the shit that was going on with my dad. I didn’t really have any friends that I was actually close to and I felt really alone. My only joy/escape was reading and gymnastics but because of the depression I didn’t really enjoy them anymore. And with my mom riding me, it felt like a chore to do one of my only passions. I ended up hating it after awhile. It was like I knew I liked them but couldn’t even try without getting so tired. It didn’t feel worth it anymore. everything I did I felt like I was doing out of habit. There was no substance in my life. It was all just pointless, like in my head nothing was getting better and outside it was exactly the same. There was a stagnancy to where I was at the time that was really inopportune. Everything hurt and it didn’t feel like it would ever get better. Obviously that wasn’t true but I wasn’t thinking straight. and after months of feeling the same way I was just tired. I didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

After a particularly bad day I went home, grabbed one of those industrial sized bottles of ibuprofen, took it to my room, and swallowed about 3/4 of the bottle. I don’t know for sure, but I think it was about 250-300 pills. I kept pouring handfuls and then stuffing my mouth and downing it with water until I felt full and slightly nauseous. Afterwards I pulled on my most comfortable clothes and got into bed and cried for almost an hour. I didn’t cry because I regretted it, I was just scared about what was going to happen after. I cried with relief and fear and almost a sort of ‘ha fuck you’ attitude. As if that had been my only escape and no one could hurt me anymore. Like I had won a game or something. And then after calming down, I went to sleep, fully expecting not to wake up again. I didn’t dream, but I do vividly to this day remember this sense of “I’m done” that just came from nowhere. I know that sounds trippy like I was high or something and it probably was because of the drugs but, that’s what I remember feeling.

Unsurpringly (I only say this because I am obviously writing this now) I woke up the next day. I woke up by my dog jumping on my bed and curling into me and laying her head on my chest. I didn’t even remeber what I had done for a few minutes. I just sat and lazily pet my dog and thought about nothing until I remembered. Once I did, I jumped up and ran to the bathroom and forced myself to be sick to get as much of it as I could out of my body. What was surprising was that I was absolutely fine. I slept at least 8 hours with all in me and nothing was wrong. My body didn’t hurt or anything and I didn’t have any bad symptoms. I didn’t regret anything until that moment tho, that very moment when I fully understood that I should have died and didn’t. There was no logical reason as to why I didn’t. I couldn’t explain it. But once I was aware of the fact that I was still alive, I was just so relieved. I felt like I had a second chance, and even tho shit was still going on and I wasn’t cured or anything, I realized living even like how I was at the time was so much better than not living at all. I didn’t regret my actions until I realized what they really could have cost me. Looking at my dog helped me a bit with that. I remember cleaning myself up, taking a shower, and going downstairs to eat breakfast with my mom and acting like it never happened.

I was still depressed, don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to lie and say I was cured or some dumb shit like that. But I was more aware about it all and tried just a little harder to not give in. I looked for things to look forward to, like tv shows that I wanted to see the end of or books that were coming out that looked somewhat interesting. Stuff I knew I would enjoy normally. I looked for things to make me want to stay alive for another day, everyday. And at some point, almost a month later, my mom took me to my physician and told her she thought I was depressed. I was blood tested after getting asked a bunch of questions for almost an hour and at the end of it all I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. They gave me ways to help, most of which I had looked up myself and tried previously, but with better instructions on what to do when they didn’t work. I was still depressed for 2 months afterwards, but things started getting better. I started developing small connections and found people to talk to, not about this stuff but just light mundane things. My mom had me start going to a therapist as well. I never told her about this, but I did talk to her about everything else. And it helped. I began to actually enjoy things again. Very slowly but day by day, sometimes week by week, it got a little minuscule amount better. I remember one of the things I was really surprised about was food tasting good again. I hadn’t even noticed but it had just lost all flavor to me.

Anyways almost a year later my diagnosis was changed to Seasonal Depressive Disorder, which I still have, and I learned to cope. I experienced things I’m forever grateful for and made connections to people I never thought I would have. I had my first boyfriend, and had my first heartbreak, and made some amazing friends, and ended up winning over my dad in court (yay). I’m in college for God’s sake. I never thought I would actually survive past high school, and yet here I am, living in a new state with new friends and taking the steps of becoming a family physician myself. I’m so very very thankful for whatever kept me alive that day. It was really a miracle. I’m catholic and I believe it was God but I don’t claim to know that as the truth.

I know I should probably write about how I learned my lesson and where my thinking was all wrong and what I shouldn’t have done and all this other shit to help people that read this that maybe feel similar. But I’m not going to, at least not right now. Maybe later, but for now I’m really tired, it took a lot to write this lol. I will say though that as inconceivable as it sounds, it does get better. Not instantly and not on its own. But through hard ass work and some outside help. You will get past that point in your life. At least if you make an effort. One thing someone told me that kinda helped me (even though it was meant for sports, I feel like it translates to everything in life) was that you should never quit on a bad day. I could expand on this but honestly I think it’s pretty straightforward. Wait till one of your best days, when you’re batting 100 and really ask yourself if you’re willing to give it all up. Days when you’re surrounded by people or pets or things that you love. And if you can honestly say you can give it up, then ask for help from someone else. Someone to point things out to you that are worth missing. Because we don’t always think straight when we feel that way. You can’t just wait a few days while thinking with the same perspective though, you need to try to change your viewpoint, think about it in a different way. Instead of looking for reasons to kill your self, try to argue with yourself why you shouldn’t. Build an argument based on what you would say to a friend and then use it on yourself. That’ll make it easier to see things and understand where you can get help and what you need to change in your life.