#Especially because now im fucking having trouble logging in so

[surpriserose]

I hate researching...oh pearl buck challenged eugenics by just. Doing eugenics in the opposite direction? Okay..................

[moonspower]

🔥 + opinions on, like, things from days of yore that should come back (follow forevers for example) or on current trends

✨ @aceparagon. meme. still accepting!

i miss follow forevers.... like i miss seeing shoutouts to the homies cuz lets be real. we dont consider all of our mutuals completely equal and we have our mutuals who are more special than others. if u say otherwise, ur legit lying or u have not a single expectation / standard in the world. but i knew there was trouble in the water when i saw TW / CW FOLLOWER COUNT being tagged on follow forevers because people werent included.

did you know??? that you???????? dont have to be included in everything???????? and that's ok. legit if u need that tagged for u, u need to log off right now. get off tumblr, get off the internet, and turn off ur device like right neeeowwww cuz ur especially touched in the head. u think ppl need to cater to u cuz ur worried bout ur popularity?????

we should be able to celebrate our super special mutuals w.out worrying about some fucking square who's left out. feel left out. unfollow me if u feel some type of way. hard block me.

yall mfs will be like ' disobey my rules and i'll punch u in the throat ' in ur rules and then act like the most sensitive people on planet earth. im sorry but i think we should shun sensitive ppl from the rpc.

anyway....

im gonna be honest i dont miss the big ass gifs that dont fix the context... i dont miss those at all. ur tryna have a thread on something deep and crucial and u see some big ass, orange saturated gif from some ugly ho from glee. nah im good.

you: i miss my family... i miss the good times with my sister. why can't time stand still? everything was good when i didn't have to worry about responsibilities. sometimes, i feel like i should just die. that'd make things easier for me.

the reply: (a gif of some white guy wearing a cardigan and winking sexily at a party, over-sharpened to hell and very yellow-orange) aw that's so sad.

as for current trends? other than pinned audio, they all suck ass. next!

[shoezuki]

ok so like i been Thinkin a lot on that stream techno had today and i may be Thinkin Too Much cuz i was doing psychology while watching but im going to say Words Now

the entire idea and Plot of tommy going from only interacting/being manipulated by dream to only interacting with techno is a Lot. theres a lot here. and i am feasting like a fucking king on the potential of it and what this could all Mean

I think we’re building up the idea of how techno and dream differ and how they house both similarities and extreme differences in their ideals. 

So if we considered how Tommy’s arcs have changed theres a very, VERY clear juxtaposition between the exile arc to.... raccoon arc? whatever the fuck is goin on

Tommy Was manipulated, isolated, and gaslit by dream. that was the only guy he really had interacted with and that was Intentional entirely. Its very obvious this will have and currently has an affect on tommy. 

Now, he’s with technoblade. theres a lot of shit that can be read in this simply as considered right now. I feel we’re clearly supposed to at least somehow compare dream and technoblade because their positions are somewhat similar concerning how they are interacting with tommy. 

Tommy can only really interact with techno, only techno really has the ability to see him (although ranboo, ghostbur, and phil could see him but theres obvious difficulties in their case), and how tommy regards technoblade is.... complicated. like how he regards dream at the moment.

but theres some really, really important and clear differences in this that i think will show a lot about techno’s character and what’s to come

first of all, there’s a question of why techno is seemingly ‘letting’ tommy live with him. No joke, i’ve discussed this a LOT in the technocord and it’s made me realize it from a different perspective since many of those people in there are from Before techno joined the smp.

so, there’s no clear ‘rational’ reason why techno would benefit from teaming with tommy. there’s some arguments that could be made; tommy’s position with people and especially tubbo, using tommy as a bargaining chip with dream, and something else i cant remember. but the technocord hardcore ppl feel tommy is a liability in the long term. techno doesn’t really have much to gain beyond a distraction. the idea of using tommy in order to convince him he’s getting the disks and then to destroy lmanberg is kinda.... its jus more trouble to techno. In fact, it wouldve been defendable for techno to kick him out; he stole his stuff, and we saw how he reacted to his cows being killed, his previous base being pillaged. You’d have thought techno wouldve been angrier.

but like. that aside. there’s little reason for techno to open up to tommy. and thats the point.

there’s no necessity on techno’s part. he doesnt need tommy. he could kick him out easily. but he won’t. 

I imagine technoblade sees the trauma and hardship tommy went through and he sympathizes with him. Its been made clear that techno doesnt know the full extent of what happened, but he doesnt need to. he knows enough. 

Now, back to the happenings of the last stream,

it wasnt plot heavy at all. (mostly because techno’s fuckign glasses are held together with SCOTCH TAPE the guy couldnt even fucking use ducttape i hate that) but there were a Few interesting things, including the Plot Stream a bit;

the ‘box’ techno made with the idea of hiding tommy from dream. (perhaps a joke but it still shows something i feel)

how he’s been giving tommy a Lot of stuff. he hasnt Genuinely been upset at his golden apples being taken; in fact, techno gave him more food in protest of him eating all the gapples instead of.... demanding them back

went mining in the nether with the intention of getting tommy better stuff

he replaced the log he accidentally stripped. extremely funny considering he got the wrong type of wood but he tried

expending more resources on tommy with invisibility potions so that he wasnt in danger of being seen

Repeatedly would assure tommy that dream Is Not His Friend.

at the idea of tommy being ‘banned’ from the nether and being attacked in lmanberg, techno laughed at the idea of him being ‘attacked’ and killed even when tommy worried that he’d die for the Last Time

implicated that techno WOULD defend him. and the idea of someone killing Either him or tommy was funny because of that

okay so slight comparison to dream; techno is instead GIVING tommy resources instead of blowing them up, he’s obviously intent on protecting him in some way, and he assures tommy that dream is No Good (rather than how dream was telling tommy no one cared about him)

But there’s one instance that was really, really important to me

the control room had a very bad impact on tommy. most likely a panic attack (the shaking, heavy breathing, scattered speech/thought is something i know so intimately lmao) and techno’s reaction to it was extremely interesting. 

first, techno said he was ‘freaking out for no reason’ which could be a) techno is horrific at emotions and vulnerability lmao and b) to Him, it Is nothing. he has no clue what tommy had been through. 

He repeatedly asked what was wrong. what had happened in that room. He pressed Slightly. but as soon as tommy said he didnt want to talk about that, techno instantly backed off and said its alright. specifically, he said:

“It’s fine, no one recovers in a day tommy. Healing is a long process, it’s fine.”

that shit hit me like a freight train. Mostly i didnt expect anything to come from this stream like that but FUCK LMAO.

The biggest thing is, i think technoblade is going to help tommy heal from the dream shit and get back on his feet. 

but also, even though im not entirely sure i need to see more, tommy will get techno to be more caring. We know philza is the only one techno is really close to, and ghostbur as well. both of which either weren’t involved in betraying techno, or doesnt remember it. i see it pointed out that techno is going at tubbo and his government rather than dream, but i think it makes sense. 

dream technically hasnt challenged techno’s ideals or what he wants; while tubbo stole from him, used him as a weapon, and reinstated a government despite everything techno was saying. 

Tommy took part in betraying him, thats without a doubt. but tommy was also screwed over by the government in place. so techno empathizes with him. maybe they dont fully trust each other, but thats a work in progress. and it will progress to technoblade trusting tommy despite their past, and realizing that dream is in a position of power over Everyone. 

tl:dr: tommy is going to heal with techno’s help and full come to terms with/realize what dream did to him, and techno is going to realize he CAN trust people and that dream has been the one pulling the strings all along

[miyosamu]

Ushijima x Male!Reader: sfw & nsfw headacanons

giant cuddle bug

doesn’t matter if he’s the big spoon or little spoon he’ll go along with your whims

all he cares about is having your body close to his and feeling your warmth 

lowkey think he prefers being the little spoon but you didn’t hear it from me

and listen listen 

i know a lot of people think that ushijima hates PDA but i don’t necessarily think so 

now i wouldn’t say he loves it either

he just…. doesn’t care 

if you want to hold his hand then hold it

if you want to back hug him he’s cool with it

if you want to give him a quick peck then go for it!

honestly, it’ll be the same for him too 

if he wants to put his arm around your waist then why shouldn’t he?

because people will talk or whatever? he honestly couldn’t care less  i love it

it’s another story if you’re uncomfortable with PDA cuz then he’ll, of course, respect your wishes 

but if it’s just out of fear of people gossiping about UshIJiMA WakaToshI thE pOwer aCE caUGHT KisSIng his BOyfRieND(??!!!) AfTER PrACtICE 

then in that case

he gives 0 fucks 

on god

it’s beautiful to watch honestly 

how undeterred he is

and i think part of the reason for that is that you helped him discover something called ~~Physical Affection~~

ushijima will not realize how touch starved he actually was until he got with you 

he’ll really have a whole “Oh.” moment when finds out how nice it is when you hug him so softly or when you gently cup his cheeks and kiss him so leisurely it sends pleasant chills down his spine 

it’s an addictive feeling and now that he has learned the pleasure of having it at his beck and call basically, he won’t like to deprive himself of it 

ushi has a huge thing for size difference and none of you can change my mind 

be it with height or width he just likes being bigger than his s/o in some way 

his go to kisses are forehead kisses 

he thinks they provide the perfect amount of intimacy while looking so innocent 

ushijima loves it when you wear his clothes 

it just tugs at his heart 

especially if it’s his jersey with  his name on the back 

it strokes his ego just the right way 

knowing you’re his and just having it so  visible like that for everyone to see

he likes it a lot 

listen

ushijima is neanderthal 

you will physically have to wrestle him to bed to make him skip practice when he’s sick and get it  through his thick stubborn skull that  no you are nOT fine and you need to REST

he will be pouty for the rest of the day but he’ll have to deal with it \cuz this is for his own good

ushi also prefers calling over texting 

since he already struggles with understanding tones in verbal conversations, there’s no way he’s able to pick it up through texts and he doesn’t like it 

so he calls a lot even if he just wants to ask a yes or no question 

he just feels more comfortable that way 

and thus your phone log shows a bunch of calls from him and to be honest, it’s kind of cute 

speaking of his trouble with communication 

his s/o has to be a straightforward person

when it matters at least

as in, if there was a problem in the relationship or if something’s bothering you, you have to communicate it clearly. 

or else he won’t get it

he might just notice a change in behaviour but he won’t know what the cause is and it’ll just leave a bad taste in his mouth so don’t hold in anything he  can’t help that way

he hates this running in circles/silent treatment/shade/[insert literally any other method a s/o might use to act petty and not communicate their issue here]. 

his s/o can be as wild and as childish as they’d like in any other aspect in life if they so desire, but he won’t tolerate it in this sense it’ll be such a huge pet peeve for him he won’t stand it 

you can tell him you need some time to think you can tell him you need space just tell him something so he can know where he stands 

c o m m u n i c a t i o n 

it’s very important to him 

OK NOW TO THE NSFW PART I’VE TALKED ENOUGH

first of all for all my top!ushi enthusiasts:

his size difference kink

i mentioned it vaguely earlier but let’s expand on that 

one of ushi’s go-to methods to teasing you is using how much bigger he is than you 

he will kabedon you 

but like gently he won’t slam the wall too hard 

he prefers to do it slowly

you’ll just see him come closer and you’ll see his hand going over your shoulder to rest on the wall and he’d just lean in whilst hovering over you and holy shit if that in itself isn’t dizzying enough 

he’d grab your chin and force you to look up at him

his intense eyes will make your knees go weak 

he’d press his body against so you’d just feel how much bigger and sturdier he is than you and it’d make you moan cuz shit wow 

his hands are so much larger than yours so he’d grab both of yours in one and pin them down 

he’d place his hands on your thigh and they’d cover so much of your thigh and it’s just so hhhhnnnn

loves to hold you up and fuck you against the wall

that’s like his thing

he loves holding you up and having your thighs pressed around his waist

any hurried sex any rough sex would usually be like that 

something about using his height and power over you like this just does it for him

ushijima’s hands are so large and pretty 

your guilty pleasure is that you love watching him give you a handjob 

his large veiny hand his long slender fingers his snug fist around your cock jacking you off

jesus christ i’m getting light-headed thinking about it

and of course, being as observant as he is he’ll catch on so quick

which lead to: mirror sex 

he’ll have you sit between his legs in front of the mirror with your legs open wide and he’d just force you to watch

just follow his hands as it strokes all over your body

watch his fingers thrust in inside you 

ushijima’s not one for dirty talk but he will definitely make comments about how much you’re enjoying this 

he’d make you come several times with his hands alone 

ushijima doesn’t necessarily Know what overstimulation is but he does it anyway he kind of just picked it up 

ushijima is    very proportional so he’s packing 

and because of that, he takes extra care during prep cuz he Does Not want to hurt you

it’ll sometime frustrate you when you’re so desperate for him but he’d never budge 

he’s not That big a fan of oral since he prefers to be inside you nearly every time

he’s want to try cockwarming at least once 

ushi doesn’t necessarily moan but he makes these grunty deep guttural noises instead and it’s fucking hot

BRUH HIS DEEP ASS VOICE IN YOUR EAR IM D O NE

he’s so so sexy

NOW!! for my bottom!ushi enthusiasts (which is probably just me rip):

everything from here on out will be totally self-indulgent

 bottom!ushi  is so   pliant 

god the way he’d just lay down under you and let you do whatever you want

there’s just something about his perceived innocence and the way he seems unknowledgeable in this area that makes watching him get lost in pleasure all that more satisfying

seeing the way his expression changes

the way his chest movements speed up along with his panting

the blush that overtakes his face and neck

he whimpers and hisses a lot

his nipples are so sensitive so if you ever focus on them too much he’ll start to tear up and wither around and it’s so fucking cute

his favourite position to be fucked in is missionary he loves being able to tug you closer/dig his nails into your skin/ wrap his legs around you/see your face

ushijima likes to be fucked hard like yeah it’s sweet and nice when you decide to go slow once in a while you know for special occasions where you want to be very intimate but other than that he isn’t satisfied until you’re ramming deep into him

his back is very sensitive so if you ever scratch your nails down his back, especially if you’re taking him from behind, he has a full-body shudder and let out a shaky whine

needy ushijima is a Sight

sometimes you just wanna leave him touch starved for a few days just to see the way he crawls up to you and sits on your lap with a blush across his cheeks

VERY INTO DRY HUMPING

getting ushijima on your lap and seeing him move his hips uncontrollably against yours

his expression half lost in pleasure half showing his frustration at the clothes in between you

dirty talk makes him crumble

you ever mention how naughty he’s being humping desperately against you if you ever point out how well he takes you he just absolutely crumbles and hides his face

fingering him while sucking him off is the easiest way to get him to be loud

he just loses control in that scenario he gets so overwhelmed he doesn’t know what to do with himself

he’d just desperately wither under you while tugging at his own hair and arching his back

ok now this next one isn’t inherently sexual but

head pats

he just wants head pats

the way he’d lean his head down towards you while looking at you with his puppy eyes to silently ask for head pats

it tugs on your very soul

it’s his way of asking for more attention and he always blushes doing it

god

gOD

he LOVES KISSES

make outs specifically

he loves it when you get on top him and kiss him stupid

kiss him all hard and rough and messy

take his breath away

tug on his hair

run your hands down his chest

he loves it

it makes him so light-headed and dizzy in the best way possible

ushi likes to be handled rough and no one can change my mind

[ps1snake]

this got so long so i put a readmore. but heres some deathloop thoughts. mostly about how colt & julianna interact w/ violence and how their relationship works. major spoilers btw btw like please finish the game first

i feel like part of what makes deathloop’s violence work so well, and it’s something i see overlooked in a lot of criticism, is that like. the loop was planned. it was on purpose, everyone’s in on it. like, the situation isn’t ‘colt and julianna are stuck in a time loop and have to get out,’ it’s ‘everyone on this island knows they’re in a time loop, theyve been planning this for years and (think they) know exactly how it works and what boundaries they can push, the trouble is they don’t realize that they’re forgetting the day they just had every time they loop.’

and like, mechanically it makes everything work the same on colt and julianna’s end re: you can do whatever and no one will remember. but in the way that people react to your actions is drastically different. Since everyone knows if they die, they’ll be back tomorrow, they don’t really give a shit if they die or not. This is exactly what they signed up for. If you do something out of line then yeah, fuck it, they’ll kill you. And this changes things for colt and julianna- it’s not as if they’re killing defenseless randos who don’t know what’s happening, even if they won’t remember that it did.

on top of this, everyone went into the loop a little.. uh.. morally loose. julianna and colt specifically have two key differences from the rest of the island’s inhabitants: for colt, he’s the only one who’s done this before. no one else has done this time bullshit, but on the other hand he doesn’t remember any of it! why did they think they’d be able to remember this time around?

a far more important difference lies with julianna: going in, she was significantly less morally bankrupt then like, literally everyone else. like sure she’s doing all this and helping these people, but the loop in of itself isn’t a bad thing, and her motivations for doing so seem to be far less tied to materialism or power or anything like that and very much tied to her own desire to have a family and a purpose and a place to be. she’s clearly tied a lot of her self-worth in the eyes of colt to the loop- she talks about colt’s rejection of the loop like it’s a rejection of her, she’s pretty crystal clear about that in that last scene.

we don’t know when colt finds out she’s his kid for the first time, but it seems to me like they at least started the loop with him not knowing. despite this they seem to have cultivated a father-daughter relationship anyway, with the minicom logs from the night before showing them interacting really nicely, or julianna’s interview of colt being the way it is (speaking of, the questions in the interviews seem a little weird for pr material... unless you view them from the perspective of her wanting these answers specifically from colt... augh). so it makes sense for her to tie them together like that- most of the time she’s spent with colt would’ve been during the time they were prepping for the loop or once they were inside it, before everyone started forgetting.

there’s definitely the question of when he first learned- did he learn before the loop? i don’t think they would’ve talked about it, but i don’t think he could’ve ignored the fact that there’s some girl here who looks so much like his lila, with the same last name. even if he assumed she wasn’t his kid, necessarily, he must have suspected- he even remarks on their own resemblance in the finale, “she’s got your eyes, man.” so clearly he’s noticed now that the possibility has been pointed out to him. did he think she knew? or did he just think, wow, im the luckiest guy ever. I could see either, especially if julianna isn’t giving any hints otherwise.

on the other hand julianna tells colt that even before the loop, he didn’t know they were related (because he flirted w/ her, eugh). which makes me wonder- like, was she alluding to a time before he knew her last name, maybe when they first met? did he just not realize? did he forget everything after his first loop too? was blackreef as aeon just so far removed from blackreef as horizon that he didn’t make the connection in his mind? all this aside, he definitely cottoned on to something, whether it be that she’s his daughter or just that he saw her as one- the conversations on the minicoms and in the audio logs smack of a familial or mentor-friend relationship.

did he learn in that first bit of the loop? imo, this is the most likely. i think the reason why he started killing her was less that he wanted julianna dead and more that he was already trying to break the loop. he was just getting to her first- she lives the closest to his wake-up point, and if he knew she was his kid, (even if he didn’t, tbh, with the relationship they seem to have had outside of that) i can pretty easily imagine why he’d not want her alive to see everyone else die around her.

if he didn’t learn before he started, did he learn after? he must’ve learned in the loop at least once before julianna started locking the power room up to keep him out of the bunkers. not necessarily the first time he knew, but if not then it would’ve been after he got amnesia. the only other reason for him to go to the bunkers would be if julianna was already in the core, which i doubt she started doing immediately. what was that like for him? to go down there, without amnesia, with the raketoplan, and find explicit confirmation that lila was pregnant with his kid. if he suspected before and hadn’t settled on being her dad already, this wouldn’t have given him a choice.

all this to say i dont think you can interact with deathloop thinking the same way you would other time loop things. i mean mostly you can, but something i see brought up a lot is neither colt or julianna really acknowledging that even if theres no physical consequences for anything, emotionally they still have to deal emotionally with all the blood and violence.

which, i mean, julianna like. is a walking example of emotional consequences- she didn’t start the loop the way she is now, everyone called her a bookworm for god’s sake. wenjie commentates on it too, saying that colt and julianna are so different from the ‘day before’ (LOL!) that they must be looping and remembering while everyone else forgets, and they must’ve been doing it for a LONG time. that’s a damn big difference! julianna is violent and reckless and knows it, she doesn’t want to break the loop and suffer the consequences of it, doesn’t want to change the way she’s living her life right now.

for colt it’s the opposite: he went into the loop already a little jacked up and violent and willing to do fucked up things (the boathouse bunker, anyone?) (meet-cute: we torture people together 🤗) in the name of his goals. beyond that, there’s tons of thoughts & notes that imply certain things about colt’s relationship with violence before the loop went beyond just business (’a fist a kiss a moment of bliss,’ some other stuff that i wont touch on here bc this is the colt and julianna zone and im not opening franky baby’s folder) the loop has just let him be a lot more reckless with himself. he wants the loop to end because he wants to live a real life, for julianna to live a real life, with consequences, because he recognizes it as a half-existence. he’s unaffected by the violence because he started that way. 

the other colts also open some interesting trails of thought re: colt & violence. the first one is helpful, he tells us what we need to know, he’s at the end of his journey and knows what colt needs to do to survive and break the loop, and explicitly tells him that wanton violence, while necessary, isn’t the full answer. i’ll come back to this. the (likely) second colt, the one after charlie & fia, rides colt’s ass for being a looser and a ‘leaver,’ which with the full context we get later of colt ‘abandoning’ lila and julianna reads very differently. he’s bitter and aded with the loop, but doesn’t have a way out yet. the third, (in the karl’s bay hrzn bunker) is on a quest to go back in time for lila, using aeon just like they used him. he’s bitter too, and clearly doesnt care for julianna, based on the way he reacts to our colt mentioning her. both of these colts are bitter and angry, they don’t care about the loop or who’s in it. the final colt that we meet is by the raketoplan. he’s in, but his answer is still wanton violence, he has no clue what he’s doing, and our colt helps him. the same way that the first colt tells us what to do and how to do it, setting our colt on the right path, our colt does the same for this sparkly blue confused and violent colt. they make this lovely cycle, it ties into the themes of the game really well.

all four of these versions of colt and 100% willing to throw down. even the very first one doesn’t deny that it’s what colt’s going to have to do. you can’t really kill 9 people without violence, and you can’t end the loop without killing them. you have to end the cycle by perpetuating it.

not to mention like. it’s an action game. why would we focus on the emotional consequences of committing violence to others, that’s not the point here, that’s not the story they’re trying to tell. deathloop is about the cycle of violence, and more importantly how dope it would be if you could meat-grind yourself and be fine the next day. it’s not a story about the protagonist growing into a better person, or turning into a worse one and having to deal with that, you can’t compare it to things like groundhog day or 12 minuets. deathloop’s protagonist is trying to get BACK to where he was- colt thinks this isn’t good, and is trying to fix it. julianna, on the other hand, thinks this is great, even if she’s a shit person for it- who cares? there’s no consequences (if she has a say about it) and all these people are assholes who deserve it anyway, so why should she have to worry about the consequences, why would she ever have to deal with that fallout?

the very end of the game (if you break the loop, at least) is an acknowledgement of this. julianna, no longer living consequence-free, can’t shoot colt. she can’t do it! not if he’s not coming back, not if he’s not going to fight back, it’s not a game anymore. and colt is accepting the consequences he knew were coming- julianna outright tells him everyone might die, and if they don’t she’s going to shoot him dead. he knows this and accepts it, and when push comes to shove, he doesn’t try to stop her from killing him.

i don’t really know where i was going with this, tbh. it’s just a game i can’t not think about. deathloop <3

[desiraypark]

Earth Angel

Continuation of SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL Characters: Flip Zimmerman x Mae (OC - Blk/F) Content: Fluffy/romantic; then a nasty lil’ quickie (PIV sex; FeedFlipSomeTiddies1975) Inspiration: Me telling some friends that this photoshoot (particularly the shirtless with hand in pocket photo) gave me “fuck you in the back of a Volkswagen on the way to Woodstock” energy lol

January 2, 1975 Dear Mae, I hope you had a good New Year’s Eve. And day. Also hope these letters haven’t been too much. I just think about you a lot I just enjoy talking to you. But anyway, I was thinking about my New Year’s resolutions. I’ve never really been big on them but thought 1975 would be the year I give one or two a try. Before I knew it, I got the crazy idea to go on a road trip. From Colorado Springs to Miami, perhaps? Shouldn’t take more than a few days--depending on how often we stop. Before I start stalling and using up this entire sheet to talk about bullshit, I’m going to come right on out and ask if you’d like to join me. I know it sounds crazy. But it would be nice to have some companionship and I can’t think of anyone else I’d like to see the country with. Let me know. Call me a fucking fool if needed.  Best Regards, Flip _____________________ January 16, 1975

Flip Honey, 

I’m definitely going to call you a fucking fool. You ARE a fucking fool. But God looks out for babies and fools, or however that phrase goes. I thought long and hard when I got your letter and you’ve got your answer: yes. I’d love to go on a road trip with you. Because I’m a fool, too. Spend a little change and call me when you get this, honey. You know the number. Better Regards, Mae

FEBRUARY 1975 Flip flew Mae out to Colorado Springs--her first plane ride. He’d temporarily exchanged his truck for a friend’s Volkswagen Transporter and filled it with supplies, dry foods, and toiletries. 

He was like an excited kid at the airport, waiting for Mae to walk through--and boy, did she! She wore a heavy red coat with some kind of fur at the collar and had her hair pinned up like a Park Avenue socialite. She had on a navy skirt or a dress, and some black high-heeled boots. “Look at you!” she said, meeting him halfway.  “Look at you,” he responded, wrapping his arms around her. “Looking great, as always.” It was about 4:30 when she and Flip arrived to his house. They’d picked up a pizza, sat in front of the television with it, and talked until they fell asleep. Eventually, they moved to the bedroom.  “No funny business, now,” Mae had said. Flip laughed. “You’d be too tired to keep up.” But they didn’t try a thing. Even with Mae’s perfect ass against him, and Flip’s strong arm holding her close, they didn’t try a thing. They slept through the night and hit the road for St. Louis (and whatever was in between) at 6:00AM on the dot. They got to St. Louis at about seven in the evening and stopped at a diner. 

“Thank you for saying yes to this, Mae,” Flip said before biting into a crispy chicken sandwich. She nodded.  “Thank you for askin’, Flip.” The lamp above them was dusty, but it made Mae look like an angel. Flip looked over her face. Every inch of it. And Mae felt him staring. The blood rushed to her cheeks and she looked down at her seasoned fries. “Why are you acting shy?” he asked. Mae shrugged. “Because you’re lookin’ at me all...I don’t know...”  Flip’s chest bounced, but no sound came out. Only a grin formed on his face--he was slightly amused by the sight. A woman who’d bounced up and down on him every night in Miami, suddenly blushing and averting her eyes over dinner. But he knew what had her blushing. They both knew that the air was different between them. And it wasn’t just because of the St. Louis cookin’. 

They finished off their food, got some gas, and found a motel to stay in. Even though they both know good and well they wanted to fuck each other’s brains out, the ride had worn them down a little. Especially Flip. Once again, they climbed in bed (well, on top of the bed, because Mae didn’t trust the sheets), and drifted off. ____________________ The Next Morning Flip and Mae hit the road just before sunrise. The road was empty and as much as Mae wanted to see the beautiful morning sky, she fell back asleep. Eventually, Flip turned the car radio on and hummed the songs to himself. Soon, the disk jockey decided to take him back about twenty years--when he was a tall, lanky kid who had nothing to get into but trouble. “Eaaarth angel, earth angel...will you be miiiine...my darling dear, love you all the ti-ime...” Flip perked up, turned the volume up and sang quietly to himself. He even tapped his thumbs against the steering wheel. “I'm just a fool, a fool in love with you...” he sang along. He glanced in Mae’s direction. She was slumped in the seat, the top of her head facing him. One of the buttons of her flannel shirt had popped open because her tits were so damned big. He looked back at the road and shook his head at his own self. He knew what was happening. Passion rushed his veins. His brain was foggy with adulation. Then, he looked gave her one more glance. She looked so good. Flip scanned every road sign he drove by for the next few miles--hoping for an indication of a truck stop or something. And there it was--a park en route! He followed the signs to the public park and drove through in search of a place to park. It took little time for him to find the park’s most discreet area--a wide open circle of dirt adjacent to a seemingly endless forest. 

It was early in the morning. No one else was there. Just the birds and insects that flitted and flew from tree to tree. Flip parked the van and tapped Mae’s thigh. Her eyes popped open quickly. “Mae?” “Yeah?” she asked yawning. “What’s wrong?!” “If I don’t get your tits in my mouth right now, I’m gonna lose my fuckin’ mind.” _____________________ Mae was nothing but nerves as her and Flip climbed into one of the back seats. Mae started undoing her pants, but Flip grabbed her shirt and ripped it open, sending the buttons flying. “Flip!” she cried. He grunted and pushed the cups of her bra up--causing her breasts to spill out. Then, he wrapped his lips around her left nipple, massaging the entire breast in the process. Mae ran her fingers through his hair, and watched him feast like a starving man. He held onto her breast as though it were going to run away from him, and moved his mouth to the other one--also giving the nipple a hard suck.  “Shit, Flip,” Mae whispered. “I missed you so much...” “Me, too Babygirl. Me, too...” he mumbled. 

He devoured her breasts for a few minutes before removing his belt and undoing his jeans. Mae lifted her leg--pulling it closer to her, and unzipped her boot. Flip grabbed the heel and pulled it off. They repeated the process on her other boot--which was hanging over the back of the seat. As Mae worked at her own jeans--pushing the denim and her panties down to the floor simultaneously--Flip pulled out his wallet, yanked out a condom and slid it on. He sucked his index and middle finger and shoved it into Mae’s pussy. She let out quiet moans as he worked her open, preparing her for him.  “I want you to get on top. You think you can handle that?” he asked.  “You know I can.” Flip bit his bottom lip and pulled his fingers out. Jeans stuck around his knees, he sat up and pressed his ass down on the leather seats. Mae sat up, straddled him, and gave him a hot, wet kiss. Flip held her hips and slowly--carefully--eased her down onto his rock-hard length. “Fuck...” they both groaned. Mae worked over him a little--trying to find comfort as he split her open like a log for firewood. Then, she began to bounce. He grabbed her hips and stared at her face. He couldn’t stare into her eyes--she had then squeezed shut, and was biting her lip.  “There you go, beautiful,” he mumbled. He gave her ass a slap.  “Mmph!” she hummed. She rested against his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck--groaning and clenching her teeth every time his tip hit the right spot. “Are you holding your moans in?” he asked. She was. But she wasn’t conscious of it until he asked. Suddenly, she realized the van was also bouncing and squeaking. Her eyes popped open and she scanned their surroundings. “There’s nobody out here,” Flip said, moving his hands directly onto her ass. He guided her up and down, and up and down--harder and faster. “Shit!” she shouted. “That’s right. Make all the noise you need to. Don’t hold that shit in. Didn’t I tell you in Florida?” he asked, his gruff voice booming so close to her ear that it made her temporal lobes feel like they were vibrating. “I’m gonna make you scream my name every time.” He smacked her ass hard. “Every...time.” “Oh, God...” Mae moaned. She fell against his chest again and closed her eyes--temporarily removing her own sense of sight so that touch was enhanced. She felt Flip’s chest moving up and down under hers; the calloused flesh of his large palms holding and kneading her ass cheeks; his dick dragging along her walls. Then, a hand moved away from her ass. He shoved it into the tight space between them and found her clit.  “Fuck!” Mae shouted. She sat up and stared into his dilated pupils. Her breasts smacked his chin until he stuck his tongue out and was able to capture one her nipples again.  Mae’s bouncing slowed down. She leaned across him once more, lifted her lower body just before the head of his dick came out of her, and expertly slid back down. Flip let go of her breast to let out an expletive.  “Do that shit again,” he said, throwing his head back and staring up at her. She did as requested--lifting off of him almost completely, then sliding back down. She did it one more time, and before she could lift a fourth time, Flip wrapped his arms around her waist, kept her down, and began to thrust up into her. “Aaah!” she cried. He dug deep inside of her, making her feel every pulse and every drag against her velvety walls--reminding her of what she hadn’t been getting for months. His pace was moderate, but each thrust was deep. He abruptly paused his stroke, grabbed her hair, and tilted his chin up. “You feel that dick deep inside of you, baby?” he whispered freakishly low. He pressed into her deeper. Deeper than she realized was possible. “Yes...” she squealed. Her nails dug into the nape of his neck. “Does it feel good?”  “Yes, Flip, yes...” she mumbled, shaking her head in disbelief. Flip gripped her scalp and banged into her one hard time. “Can’t hear you...” he said, his voice going above a whisper. “YES! FUCK!” she began to grind into him. “I wanna come, Flip. Please, make me come. Please!” Mae pleaded. Flip picked up his pace again, and Mae met his thrusts.  “Lean back and let me see you rub that pretty clit,” he said. “I’ve got you.” Mae leaned back and Flip held her with a palm against her lower back--making sure she didn’t fall backward. As she bounced her squelching pussy on his length, she rubbed her clit with the pads of her fingers. In no time, the heat began to build up in her belly. She tightened around him, and worked herself toward her release, screaming to the van’s ceiling. As she came, he drilled into her hard. “Fliiiiip! Yesssssssss!” she squealed, breasts bouncing all over the place. “Fffuuuuck!”

Flip began pumping shallow thrusts up into her--surrendering to the rush that soon fell over him. Mae looked down with a sweet (and pleased) smile as she rode out her wave--enjoying the spurt of warmth that filled her up. She could tell that it was a lot, too. Only a thin layer of protection keeping their sweet saps from merging and creating something more. 

Flip pulled her back to him and devoured her mouth. Then, they took a few minutes to catch their breath. Soon, they put their clothes back on. Mae had to dig in her suitcase for another shirt. Despite the place still being empty, Flip discreetly tossed his condom in a large garbage bin nearby. He climbed into the van and looked over at Mae. She returned the glance and burst into laughter, and he did the same. 

“Need me to drive, big boy?” she asked smirking.  “No. You just sit back and look pretty for me,” Flip said. He slapped her thigh and started the Volkswagen back up. 

They left the park warm and satisfied, and made their way down to Tennessee. 

____________________ TAG LIST @aloneandsleepless @tsarinastorm If you’d like to be on any of my tag lists, please leave a comment on my Tag List Request post!

[suave-ish]

tw depression anxiety and covid-19

hello everyone, my name is mercedes and i don’t know who will read this i have no followers but i hope it reaches someone. i don’t use this blog much but here we are. im typing this on mobile so please forgive me if it’s messy.

i woke up at five in the morning today and i checked my emails. ive been waiting for results for 4 days. i saw the notification. clicked on it, logged in, and read, “positive.”

and although i am considerably healthy and have a strong immune system, i cried and i cried and i cried.

i have covid-19.

i want to talk about the symptoms i had before i got my results and about how i’m feeling now. mentally and physically.

everyone i’ve ever heard talk about covid-19 says the FIRST thing to look for is a fever. and that’s valid! it’s a very common symptom amongst most people. except for me! i took my temperature every single day and it never exceeded a 97.4. the first symptoms i started showing was a headache and dry throat. the next day i started experiencing cold-like symptoms. runny nose, coughing, itchy throat. around day 3-4 of noticeable symptoms i started having trouble taking deep breaths.

i also experienced extreme fatigue. (i’m not a napping type of person but i found myself taking more and more naps. i didn’t think much of it because i’m pretty much always tired. ive been like that since i was young. i only ever took naps when i was sick. lo and behold).

i started feeling better after a week of experiencing symptoms so i thought that was it. just a mild cold. no fever. i was wrong. one morning i got up and i felt extremely nauseous. i felt sick to my stomach, i was dizzy, and the world was spinning. and yet i got in my car and headed to work.

yeah that lasted an hour. i called my boss and i told her i needed to go home immediately. i had to wait another hour for someone to come in and cover the shift. i have never felt that kind of nausea in my entire life. that’s when i decided to take the test. my instincts told me, you’re sick. you have it. but (as one does) i hoped to god that it would be negative. i did everything to protect myself and yet i still got it.

anyway. today i feel extremely tired and weak. my stomach still feels a little nauseous but that’s about it for how i’m feeling physically. on to the mental side affects of this all.

i want to mention that i have severe anxiety and depression so lockdown hasn’t been great for me, i don’t have stable coping mechanisms for either illnesses so i just have to bare the brunt of it all when i’m experiencing episodes.

today has been the worst since i just found out i have covid-19. i live in a household with 6 people (including me). three children and one person with a compromised health. my mother had valley fever and although it is currently inactive, it still affects her health and immune system. if you’re from the valley you’re probably familiar with it and so you might understand how scary this pandemic is for her.

i went through a lot of emotions. shock. fear. guilt. i’m already feeling the brunt of isolation (not to mention the way my fucking ass hurts from laying in bed for 5 days straight.) but all those other feelings made it worse. especially knowing i could put my mother in danger.

and if you’re self isolating and you’re like me, you need social interactions so your mental health doesn’t suffer too much, please reach out to people. anyone. i talk to my friends and grandma over facetime. sometimes my siblings yell “i love you!” from across the house. i’m grateful to be in a position where i will most likely recover soon. i’m thankful to have a roof over my head to protect me and others from spreading the virus. not everyone has that privilege.

please. if you show any symptoms, get tested! i went to a testing center in my city that provides free self swab tests and i hope that you can find something similar.

and please please please. stay home if you can. if you can’t, wear a mask. prevent the spread.

[chimcharstar]

1-100 TELL ME ALL

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

1. What is you middle name?

Jesse

2. How old are you?

22

3. When is your birthday?

dec 9

4. What is your zodiac sign?

sagittarius

5. What is your favorite color?

purples

6. What’s your lucky number?

9

7. Do you have any pets?

no

8. Where are you from?

bc canada. my great grandparents are from russia

9. How tall are you?

5 something

10. What shoe size are you?

7?

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

3 that i actually use

12. What was your last dream about?

i dont remember my most recent one but i had a banger of a dream i described in another post

13. What talents do you have?

i think expressing myself, or music, i have some talent that needs discipline

14. Are you psychic in any way?

well i am a spiritual person, in a way. and growing up in a toxic drama filled family, i have Developed the Skill of guessing how people are feeling and what they are gonna do. and i analyze dreams. so not psychic but i am really interested and intuitive whats goin on in there

15. Favorite song?

for some reason https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oilVq8-F4_Q colours by roosevelt ive been obsessed with lately i just loop that shit. loop loop loop. blaringit into my ears and speedwalking down thestreet. the beat.!!!! i feel like I  took all the colours

16. Favorite movie?

spiderverse. i really enjoyed always be my maybe.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

someone who doesnt make me feel like im Too Much

18. Do you want children?

not RIGHT NOW

19. Do you want a church wedding?

i have no idea actually. id want a special wedding definitely.

20. Are you religious?

yes, i honestly feel like i just come like this, i dont go by any books and i dont want to be associated with christians. if i be too religious i start getting the Bad Feelings

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yes visiting sick relatives. and one in a psyche ward.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

i got a parking ticket

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

no. maybe i did and i had no idea who they were because id never heard of them

24. Baths or showers?

showers.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

alien socks that are green and black

26. Have you ever been famous?

no. what does that even mean !!!!

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

yes because money but noooooo. its hard when one person definitely doesnt like me. if im famous some people just wont like me and theres going to be more of them

28. What type of music do you like?

stuff with electric guitars in it. funk. bops. i cant get enough lately

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

no

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one. and sometimes NONE. i dont fucking know why its just more comfortable. id lie down on a floor and pass out

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

i usually cant fall asleep unless im on my face with my arms tucked under me for warmpth and general log shape. after that though its chaos. dreamin

32. How big is your house?

BIG!!!!!! so many rooms. so many people. 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

on a Functional day, cereal. not because its my favourite thing but it doesnt require a lot of attention and its easiest to tolerate. my appetite is just. like this

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

HELL no.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

in my child days i shot my hair elastics around and pretended i was fighting aliens. this is definitely archery.

36. Favorite clean word?

i dont really think about words like that. pizza is a nice word.

37. Favorite swear word?

bitch. its really fun to say.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

not all that long. if i was up the entire night i am usually sleeping in midday no matter where i am. ive disappointed many teachers. its called not caring.

39. Do you have any scars?

yes, but theres no dramatic stories to them, just me not leaving scratches and bites alone as a kid. they look kind of cool though. and theyre so mysterious. youd think id have scars from self harm but no.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

i believe so...

41. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i am 100% like morally committed to lying.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

NO. my thought process is: its rude to assume someone is going to behave badly, and they will be offended and have hurt feelings if you anticipate that. i have to like. treat everyone with exactly the same respect unless theyre a dick. otherwise its being judgmental. and it ends up as naïveté. but im okay with that . the price of being a good person

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

i could do a british one once i guess LOL and it looks like now ive Absorbed a mexican accent but i never really try to talk in other accents

44. Do you have a strong accent?

i dont know how to answer this

45. What is your favorite accent?

idk i like new things i havent heard before. and thinking about how other languages work. theres a lot of different accents at my work and i honestly enjoy listening to them

46. What is your personality type?

that.... INFJ. see. psychic

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

one of the gay jackets

48. Can you curl your tongue?

dont think so

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right handed?

left

51. Are you scared of spiders?

depends. i had these big house spiders in my dungeon at my parents house, and id just be “hi” and set them free. but if i see one where im not expecting it i might yell a lot and tell everyone and run around and then set it free

52. Favorite food?

tacos from my old work. i was indeed. screaming, lost in the sauce. i waited until i was away from the restaurant because i knew all my dignity would vanish

53. Favorite foreign food?

idk... i need to eat more curry. i need more curryin my life. bring it on.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

clean

55. Most used phrased?

“this slaps” i feel like ive been saying that a lot

56. Most used word?

I

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

a whole entire fucking hour (when i wake up) otherwise 5min

58. Do you have much of an ego?

i do, but i hide it. 

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

chomp chomp. i am not a patient man.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

yes, when i know no ones around, or when im not worried about seeming like a crazy person at work

61. Do you sing to yourself?

nah

62. Are you a good singer?

no. i can sing and it sound okay.  nice even. but good??? like beautiful?????? no.

63. Biggest Fear?

someone dying, natural disaster, new illness

64. Are you a gossip?

maybe. i feel like i have the Tendencies and then im like “am i being a bad person right now”. i want to know the deets though.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

i Simply Dont Have the Attention for Those

66. Do you like long or short hair?

BOTH . long hair is more fun to draw. short hair is hot

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

fuck no. why would i. fuck off. i dont care about your states.

68. Favorite school subject?

ART ART AR T

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

introerverte

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no

71. What makes you nervous?

people who are not Definitely Cheerful

72. Are you scared of the dark?

no. unless i think about things to scare myself on purpose

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

no unless they need to know. because im not a fucking ANIMAL

74. Are you ticklish?

depends. i can be not ticklish if im determined.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

i dont think so... i started a rumor i was from mars

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

maybe i was supposed to train some girls and then i probably didnt do a great job and they didnt listen. they say my job now is somewhat authority and im like...... ok...... 

77. Have you ever drank underage?

no

78. Have you ever done drugs?

no

79. Who was your first real crush?

someone whos OUTTA MY LIFE

80. How many piercings do you have?

two? i got them pierecd at claires lmao and i didnt get an infection because im  so salty. then i took them out because they were from claries

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

hell yes

82. How fast can you type?

so fucking fast. faster than my work finder helper. im fast im very fast

83. How fast can you run?

IM VERY FAST

84. What color is your hair?

orange

85. What color is your eyes?

green

86. What are you allergic to?

im still trying to figure that out. whatever it is gives me hives

87. Do you keep a journal?

yes. so i can get better at handwriting and just talking in general and hear what my voice sounds like. and to have a space away from other peoples needs and pressures

88. What do your parents do?

my mom is a stay at home mom and my dad shoots pop bottles into the sky

89. Do you like your age?

sure

90. What makes you angry?

everything. cabbage. i swore about cabbage for a long time the other day. i am just full of anger. 

91. Do you like your own name?

YES. i mean i chose it i better. honestly my first name ......... i feel self conscious about it sometimes. i think it was the only name for me though. it wasnt the ideal most wonderful namei could find because those didnt fit, it was MY name.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

im going to have two sons and im naming them brick and rusty.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

yeah, i want a boy a girl

94. What are you strengths?

my strengths doing all 100 questions, this is serious muscles

95. What are your weaknesses?

the exhaustion of jumping from one question to the next especially when they are vague. im not complaining this was my idea

96. How did you get your name?

i pfound it in the baby name book and i was lie  “hey yyy, i saw that name in black beauty, lets use it for my gay coded villain what the hell!”

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

no but i did have some ancestors who lives i a mansions andhad fucking SERVANTS. before you call me problematic my other part of family was like sewing things and not going to school 

98. Do you have any scars?

weve been over this. when im older im going to get a cool scar fighting a dragon

99. Color of your bedspread?

pink, white, blue

100. Color of your room?

white

[csockets]

Prompt Challenge With Friends

I invited my friends, @bluemoonfantasiesii and @mahi-does-some-art, to join me in a writing a prompt posted on @write-it-motherfuckers‘s lovely blog~~

WIM, thank you for all your hard work!! I’ve always liked the prompts you’ve posted and sometimes I’d get inspired but I was never crazy inspired, you know? But until I saw “darling really” and there was such a sassiness that I couldn't help but like and I just, really wanted to writing something to go with it!! Low and behold, I did write something and I got to read my friends work in the process!

So, many thanks to Master WIM! Please enjoy my work under the keep reading line!!

The Prompt Used

Note: The characters  and the location: Loystin, are of my own creation! Azben Katrina is my OC not actually me! Adalant and Marcie are twin sisters. The Baboon King is a creature; an image I picked up from Google, used for reference then named it such because honestly, the creature looked baboonish lmao. Also, the world just might be it really is im sorry lmao heavily inspired by my sudden obsession with MXTX couples and the Xianxia novel genre. Any other questions can be answered through reblog, reply, or an ask!

Warnings: Minor blood and gore, profanity, possible same sex flirting, violence and probably more but im not too worried so *shrugs*

Adalant swore immediately.

“Why the fuck are we here?”

Azben grinned, tapping her chin with an elongated nail.

“To do a lil fun.”

Adalant growled, glaring heatedly at the huffing warrior.

“But you were sworn to ho--”

“Lalala, I can't hear you, lala--”

“You--”

“LALALA--” She laughed loudly, leaning back to avoid the swipe of Adalant’s bat, nail head plucking at the fabric of her robes. She took a step back and straightened, amused at Adalant’s ruffledness.

“House arrest. I will get in trouble.” She said edgedly, sharp as she turned away and made for the forest ahead of them.

Azben huffed a breath, catching up to Adalant’s side. “Yea, but leave it to me! I have a plan~!” She smiled and winked, bumping their shoulders affectionately. Adalant shied away, hissing angirly, swinging her bat to rest on her shoulder, trudging forward, not making an effort to actually lead her friend back. While Adalant and Azben were on equal footing for almost anything, Azben had her beat in quick wits, her need to make jokes and ruffles feathers and rub them the wrong way, the desperate need to make chaos everywhere, absolutely being the clown was Azben’s job and talent. Adalant sighed and let go of her annoyance at being tricked once more, especially tricked into getting Azben off the estate.

She glanced at her partner, watching her eyes crincial with laughter in the corner, green eyes dark with mirth, looking ahead. Her lips were constantly pulled into a smile, large and bright, yet teasing, maybe a half-smirk if you wanted to look at it that way.

“What are we hunting?” She asked, becoming eager for the fight ahead of them, suddenly excited by the thrill that fluttered fleetingly in her chest.

“The Baboon King.” Azben said idly, like she didn't just suggest that they take on a dragon level disaster that was claimed by Adalant’s sister two days ago. Adalant swallowed and closed her eyes to pray to her sister, asking for forgiveness for her foolish friend. She opened them to a large tree root.

“Okay.” She said quietly, straddling the large tree root to slip onto the other side, rolling her eyes as Azben made a show of flipping into the air and landed into a crouch, back arching as she quickly straightened with the grace of a feline. Azben glanced her way and Adalant could feel the burn of her stare and faintly, Adalant could see Azben raise a brow.

“Not curious--”

“No, not really. You probably promised her a lap dance for later.”

There was a deep breath and Adalant closed her eyes once again as Azben gasped dramatically, an obvious tilt in her voice as she whined, as if she had been wronged.

“How dare you! As if I would stoop that low for- for a beast hunt! You should be ashamed of yourself!” Azben cried and pouted, bottom lip rolling out cutely, all red and wet. Her eyelashes glittered with tears and the way her green eyes sparkled with light and her brows furrowed with gentle lines, Azben gave the image of a kicked puppy, sniffling quietly and blinking rapidly, as if willing the tears away.

Adalant snorted.

Azben crossed her arms tightly across her chest, huching her shoulders. She glared at her yet still completely looked kick. Honestly, Adalant’s chest swelled to offer her a pat on the shoulder and a few words but Adalant also knew it was a way for Azben to get to her, so Adalant could only rub faintly at her chest to dull the ache with a frown.

“You’re my dearest friend, sister!” She huffed, “Yet you accuse me of improper behaviour and breaking regulations!”

“Which you owned up to and even said you’d help me avoid punishment.” Adalant pointed out and maybe, she should have questioned the glint in Azben’s eyes that broke her ‘kicked puppy image’ but Adalant was too focused on balancing on the log across a ravine they had found after a few minutes of walking. She crossed without much thought, Azben’s whole licked-puppy image fading to her nonchalant look, walking across the log without a care, long and loose braid mused in the wind as a draft blew up. She visibly shivered and pressed her robes against her thighs, frowning.

“These things are so long yet I still feel a breeze, what the hell.” She grumbled, dissatisfied with her family’s winter clothing.

They continued on, walking through the underbrush and over roots, Azben animatedly chattering away, poking fun at Adalant and taking an interest in the small fungi and large blooms of winter plants, blue and white petals, purple mushrooms and black vein like roots that wiggled at their boots as they passed. It was as the sun rose to the middle of the cloudy sky that Azben finally hushed, quieting to a seriousness that befitted the beast up ahead, target of their illegal beast hunt.

It was also then that Adalant started to smell the heavy musk of sweat and freshly turned soil, sniffing experimentally at the air for a real scent. Her nose wrinkled as iron flooded her nostrils, salt and green odor with the stale scent of disturbed still water. She felt the air next to her shift, Azben’s nail skittering down her sleeve and making a circle at her elbow. Straight ahead? She glanced back and nodded, pulling her bat from her shoulder and readying herself. She slowed her steps and made her stride longer, shifting forward and squinting ahead. Azben shifted through large leaves, her frame disappearing from sight, her tail a slithering snake as it trailed along.

Adalant waded through thick undergrowth and vines, swinging under a wide and heavy vine that hung low but too high for her to easily cross over. Adalant listened and found the forest devoid of sound, an immediate sign to a disturbance but faintly, she could hear a few birds tweeting away.

The blood from before was way heavy in the air as it clung to her body, probably masking her scent and even Azben’s strange brand of ‘smelling me is like smelling a very fragrant flower in a summer heat’ scent. Maybe it was a deer of sorts? A large animal from the irony yet musky warmed fur smell of a long haired creature.

Sunlight shone heavy upon the clearing she peeked into, blinking blindingly at the sudden touch of brightness. The clearing was small but stretching, medium rocks set into arches that towered over her, and strange statues of sorts, grey and black in colour. White flowers grew, pretty and dainty. Yet, her eyes only fell onto the massive beast sitting, its back to her.

She dared to not breath the curses that waterfalled into her throat, her breath caught at the sheer height of the King. Muscles was the first thing to come to mind, then berry red because its back was probably a brick wall with iron plating, bulging and bright red with white stretch marks. Its arms were thick, a white tail languidly flicking in the grass, white and grey fur a mane with black streaks. Knees poked out from its flanks, knee caps with a crusted look to them. Her eyes widened in bewilderment when hands with talons for fingers threw a bone back, Adalant’s mind now registering the tinged red skull that seemingly looked up at her from her feet. She swallowed her gasp and ducked quickly, feeling the bone sail way past her head, her hair picked up in the wake of the force of its power.

Its hand was wide, large, easily able to crush her head within its palm alone, talons looking like jagged rocks, black with a violet light from the sun above. Its muscles flexed and she was amazed at the sheer fear that gripped her heart tight, lungs painfully cut off from the air she desperately needed. Adalant didn't dare to straighten herself, listening to the King grunt and the cracking of bones as they splintered and the slurping sound that made her stomach flip.

Azben wanted to fight this thing. The thing that could easily crush their skulls, dismember them and eat them. Her heart already sung with fear from its back alone. Imagining its face wasn't the brightest of ideas and she swallowed painfully through the tightness of her throat. Yet, she found herself easing forward. Remembering all the strategies her and Azben had planned for beast’s of this magnitude. Her bat was held tight in her right hand, chest taut as she approached.

She was hiding behind one of the many rock arches when Azben finally appeared again.

And appear she did. Quite literally.

She appeared above the beast, arms crossed and her own talons prepared for an attack, a faint glow of green around them. She was silent as she fell, the sun blinding. Adalant watched the beast look, because he wasn't stupid, quite the intelligent beast, his hand blocking the sun but she was still a dark shadow to him, light flowing past her form and Adalant’s feared dulled to a shallow burn in her stomach.

The thrill of the fight came forward as Azben came down, talons raking through its mane and tearing through its shoulder and half its face, its roar of pain deafening as her body leapt forward into the beginning fray, her bat pulled back and cutting through the air.

She could only grin maniacally as Azben’s snarl of pleasure fitted between them, dark and sadistic in their first attack.

________________________________________________________________

The sun was falling when Marcie bounded out from the tree tops, her growl of anger overshadowing their laughter and they both squaked in indignation, crying out as their arms were twisted behind them and Azben whined as electricity crackled to life in her ankles.

“Adalant Kuygetsa of Loystin and Azben Katrina of the North, you will be sentenced to three months of copying the family rules and attending the stables! Azben, you broke house arre…”

Adalant glared once more at Azben, her cheeky grin too big for a fool in trouble.

Under her sister’s list of broken regulations, Adalant hissed her accusation, “You said you’d help me avoid punishment! I trusted you,” She whispered and could only falter in her anger and betrayal when the dragon woman winked and purred,

“A horrible idea darling, really.”

And how Adalant screamed when she was refused the right to bloody her friends beautiful face.

[animaelynn-blog]

Rant about work, read at your own risk. (I’d appreciate it though)

I want to log this experience.

First, let me tell you a bit about myself.

I’m a trans girl.

It’s been awhile since I’ve had a job, I’ve been looking for work. I’m a very outgoing person and absolutely love to be around people.

One day me and one of my friends went out looking to help get me a job, i brought resumés, and i personally like to fill out paper job applications so the employer knows I’m not the type of person to fill out things online only to not show up, i like to show my initiative.

So, eventually i make my way through the mall and find a place one of my friends work at. It’s amazing! It’s like a gift shop with all kinds of unique things i have tons of interest in, so obviously i ask if they’re hiring and when they gave me a paper application i filled it out then and there.

So, i wait and make sure to either stop in or call to make sure they know I’m serious about working there. Got a date set up for an interview - Aug 15th.

The day come i show up 20 minutes early and rehearse what I’m going to say because i really really want this job. I casually walk into the store about 5 minutes early and say I’m there for the interview. To which the reply was “Could you come back in about 10 minutes, we just had something come up”

Im all like “yeah, not a problem. I’ll be back then.” I sat down on one of the benches in the mall in my free time and quizzes myself trying to drill everything i need to say in my interview into my head. When time expires i took another deep breath and walk in again. I was thanked for my patience and we headed out of the business to a few seats outside the store. (To me this is odd, shouldn’t the interview be in the back where it’s quiet?) regardless i follow and the interview begins and I’m told the reason we’re outside the store is because they just found out that they’re going to have to move locations within the mall and i know more than most of the people that work there because that’s what the interview delay was about. I was asked if that was a problem and i said “no, not at all as long as you just don’t want me strictly for moving things” i said jokingly.

So, the interview continues and I’m feeling great I’m nailing all these questions and one of the questions was something similar to “am i accepting towards other people” and without missing a beat i said “well, absolutely I’m trans so I’d be quite the hypocrite to look down on others.” Oops, accidentally outer myself i thought. I can kiss this job goodbye.

But, to my surprise i was told most of the staff is LGBT and not to worry and that relieved me greatly and i was told i would get a call back soon (i was impossible to get a timeframe because of the move, understandably.)

So, i continued to check in every week or so until i was told to come in and they’d go over the basics and rules with me and get me familiar with the layout. (I wanna say maybe a week later) So, obviously i show up and everything was explained super hap hazardously because i was told “you won’t need to know most of this since were moving to another location... fair enough)

They had me put ceramic and fragile items in the proper boxes and such and then the next week they did the same after those 2 days i filled out a tax paper and was told about the app they used to communicate with and was added and told the schedule would be posted there.

They have me scheduled for 4 hours one day that was all i figured ok cool I’m new that’s no big deal. I was careful packing things and was praised for not breaking anything accidentally because i was told i would and it happens to everyone.

A month and a half pass and i get called into the new store to help organization and learn the new layout. I was secretly upset so i asked my friend when we got off why they didn’t schedule me at all during the move and i was told that the owner doesn’t like women doing heavy lifting and labor because of a past accident (a bit sexist i thought but it made me happy as i was being referred to by my employer as female, so I’ll take it)

My friend also told me in confidence that she was going to be promoted to manager and not to say anything but she was excited and i was excited for her.

My first day working (basically, since i was never really given proper training still.) THEY HAD ME OPEN BY MYSELF. I was sick to my stomach but there was instructions written down to help so i wasn’t worried and under the instructions on what to do and such it read “if any questions please contact (my friend), Manager 1, or Manager 2. (In that order)

My friend was listed first so naturally i thought that was the progression to go through, plus knowing she was in the process of being promoted i figured it was that way to help her understand how manager varies from regular employee. I followed the instructions to a tee. Found things to clean and stay busy during all of my shifts. I loved when the customers would come in it was very easy for me to establish connections and help sell stuff which was ya know my job. Always with a smile.

I’d come in for shifts and people hired around the same time as i was we’re sitting down doing nothing. I’m not the type of person to just tattle on someone so i try to help them and tell them to do anything to stay busy. To me we’re all like a family and i loved my coworkers.

I picked up on things really fast but i have the habit of repeating what was just said or wanting reiteration so i know what I’m doing is correct and it helps me remember for future reference.

Since, i picked up on things easy I’d have my coworkers asking me things which i just learned (because the computer system changed during the move and they were having trouble adjusting to the new one) and i was glad i could help them. It’s my work family i want what is best for us as a whole.

Now, this is where things start to get weird because this comes the day after the whole Trump wants to erase trans people thing.

I was asked my shirt size as all employees needed to wear them on the weekends and was told mine was lost. A few days before i noticed we had a for hire sign in the window which initially didn’t even catch my eye because i was told someone was in the process of getting let go because they made fun of a coworkers weight and didn’t stop.

Later, we had an abrupt day where everyone was to be at the store for retraining (wasn’t surprised because they really didn’t do it to begin with- this included Manager 1 overseeing Manager 2 while Manager 2 reviewed the normal employees. We went through the basics and i nailed it again, i actually got ahead of the Manager on something and how they were to be done because i was so proud of what I’d learned by myself with basically zero training.

I left there estatic. I nailed it.

I was asked about a minor screw up on my part i was never told about so i wasn’t worried.

I was asked “why i clocked out an 30 mins after close” to which i replied it was my first day closing and i wanted to triple check my math to make sure all the earnings for the day was accounted for.” To which i was told 15 mins after close is the absolute latest and i told my manager that it wouldn’t happen again.

I was also asked about my friend (you know the one that was going to get promoted to manager?) i was asked if i was told she was a manager to which i said no. Because ya know when something is said in confidence it stays there and i wasn’t about to get someone i deeply care about in trouble or fired especially someone who worked there basically since the beginning. I’m not the type of person to ever bring this info to their attention or hold it over their head. I believe good things come to good people.

A few hours later, i got this message through the app we used at work.

“Hi (My Name),

As you know I was in today to review employee status at (The store). After reviewing the status of all team members with (the owner) and (manager 2), it has been decided that we will not be able to continue your employment with (the business) long term. You can continue to work the next week that you're scheduled, and we can schedule you for one more week of work after that. November 10th would be the last possible day. We wanted to give you the courtesy of an advanced notice so that you can make future plans for yourself.”

I sat in my car re-reading this message thinking it had to be sent to the wrong person.

My first, response to this message was vague and thankful for the opportunity type response.

However, after talking to a few of my closest friends i was convinced to inquire more about this to which i was sent this message.

“(My name),

The issues we have been observing include difficulty with approaching customers and difficulty taking instruction and focusing on tasks. As the final decision was made with (the owners) input, it is not reversible.

These were my strengths, the things i was most proud of. I would have understood if it was things i wasn’t great at. But, it wasn’t. Which besides telling me in person was another slap in the face.

It because obvious that they were not basing any of this on any of the days i actually worked but only on a few hours that day. Keep in mind i never worked with anyone longer than one hour and worked alone mostly. At no point until the review day did i ever work with any of my managers since the store opened.

I got fucked over and I’m now currently looking for a job that accepts trans people and a place that actually takes interest in me as an employee and not a number.

Sorry, for this rant. I just wanted to share my frustration.

[askdarus]

Cutscene: Post-9x02

Story update, character development, a new character, oh my!

“How do you do it?” Paul asked softly. His head was pounding, mostly because Richie was up screaming most of the night.

“You mean Gracie?” Aaron asked, looking at his daughter, who was napping in his arms, “Paul, I have one...you have two kids. I can’t really-” he winced when Meredith ran through screaming with Richie running after her, “I can’t really give you advice there.”

“But you’re doing it alone,” Paul said quickly, not even phased by the screaming at this point, “Just...how?”

Aaron looked up at him, shocked, “You want to do it alone?”

“No,” Paul mumbled, “I don’t...want to. I love Daryl, you know that. But lately…” he swallowed, “Aaron, Richie doesn’t even want to speak with him on the rare occasion he’s home. I thought with Carol taking over the Sanctuary that things would be better, but they aren’t. He just turned into Maggie’s lacky instead of Rick’s,” he said quickly and sniffled, “I respect Maggie’s decision, hell...I would have done the same thing,” he swallowed, “But why...why’s it always my husband that does the dirty work, huh?” he demanded, “Why’s it always my family that gets bit in the ass?”

Aaron pursed his lips but didn’t say anything, just looked down at Gracie, who was napping in his arms, “Hey, I bet we could start getting a daycare going here. There’s a school, at the Kingdom, yeah...but nothing for the younger ones,” he looked up at him, “I’m sure we could find someone interested in teaching...and it would do you good not to be in the house all the time.”

“Alex says I’m getting paler,” Paul snorted, rolling his eyes.

“And how is Alex?” Aaron asked, trying to keep his voice neutral.

Paul pursed his lips, looking out the window, “He’s…” he trailed off and shook his head, “He’s certainly...looking at me,” he snorted, “Don’t tell Daryl...I’ll never hear the end of it if he knows he was right about him still…” he shook his head again and winced when Meredith let out a particularly loud screech, “Mer, quiet down a little,” he called, standing up and looking through the cabinets, “Daddy has a headache.”

“Need me to get you something from Harlan? I can run over to the trailer,” Aaron told him.

Paul shook his head and held up a bottle, “He already got to me,” he laughed, leaning on the counter, “Somehow he noticed I had one...despite looking after about four communities.”

“At least he has Siddiq...and Alex, I guess,” Aaron smirked.

“It’s never good to have Alex,” Paul snorted, “The good doctors probably need these more than I do with him around.”

Aaron walked up and clasped his shoulder, “I’ll ask around about getting a daycare set up,” he said, “Hang in there.”

Paul smiled at him weakly, “Thanks, Aaron,” he said, watching as he walked out. He popped the tylenol Harlan had given him and put the bottle away before looking up at the clock on the wall.

Noon.

Paul sighed, walking down the hallway towards the other bedroom, “Vi, c’mon, you can’t be sleeping this late, they’re going to start calling you lazy,” he said, knocking on the door for a moment.

Silence.

Paul sighed again, “Vi-” he opened the door and froze.

There, was his little sister, in bed with someone else from Hilltop.

It wasn’t the first time he’d sadly walked in on her...Violette had walked in on him several times as well. During the few months their parents gave them to spend together in the summer, the two always got into trouble...it was just who they were.

Hell, you leave two people in their teens in a beach house for months, there was bound to be trouble.

“VIOLETTE!” Paul snapped.

“What?” his sister groaned, burying her face in the pillow.

“It’s noon and you’re naked with…” he trailed off, gesturing to the woman beside her.

“Lily,” Violette said, “Who just got back last night, Paul.”

Paul felt his anger dissipate immediately and he grinned, “Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Well, you’re still just as high strung as she described,” Lily said, turning to him despite not having anything to cover her chest and nothing on.

Paul immediately put his hand over his eyes and looked up at the ceiling.

“Yup,” Violette said, tossing her a shirt with a grin.

Paul rolled over in bed at three in the morning, wincing as he grabbed his phone.

He really didn’t  need his father waking up, especially from a noise. It would immediately turn into lockdown mode and he didn’t feel like dealing with sitting in the basement until morning when his father deemed it safe.

“Hello?” Paul asked, his voice scratchy.

“Paulie?” Violette whispered on the other line, “Hey, little brother, how’s it going?”

From the time Paul was adopted, Violette was determined that she was the older sibling, despite being younger. Paul was adopted after Violette was born, so she was determined that she was the older one here.

Violette was twenty one now and Paul was twenty four. Violette was living in New York with a job at an upcoming fashion industry, three hours behind him, since he was still living with their father in California.

“What’s goin’ on, Vi? It’s three in the morning,” Paul said, rubbing his eyes.

“I met...the most amazing girl,” Violette said, giggling drunkly, “Her name is Lily Marie Teller...fuck, Paulie, you’re gonna love her.”

Paul rolled his eyes, sure this wasn’t going to go anywhere. He’d dealt with plenty of calls like this from his sister before.

But it did go somewhere...it went to Violette bringing Lily to their annual summer trip, to meeting their dad, to bringing her all their family holidays…

“Welcome back,” Paul said, still looking up, “How’d you find this place?”

“Saw some of the signs in Ohio. I was with a small community, nothing big...” Lily said, pulling her shirt on, “Figured...if the Rovias were anywhere, they’d be in a big place like this,” she smirked, “The two of you were always so preppy, I figured you’d have to have a place with a mansion.”

Paul rolled his eyes, “Well...I’ll introduce you to my husband when he shows up. Have you met the kids?”

“Not yet,” Lily grinned, “But I’d love to.”

Then, it hit Paul.

Lily.

Lily was a pre-school teacher.

Finally, things would start going his way, especially with Aaron looking to start a daycare.

“Well, lunch will be soon, you can meet them then,” Paul said, turning around with his hand still over his eyes.

He ran right into the wall, making the two burst out laughing.

“So...when’s that husband of yours coming home?” Lily asked that night, “Starting to think he’s made up.”

“Funny,” Paul snorted, crossing his arms as the kids watched and old VHS tape, “He comes around eventually,” he said.

Paul watched as Violette gave Lily a little shake of her head, a silent don’t bring it up.

Someone knocked on the door.

Paul sighed and got up, almost tripping over one of Snowball’s four children in the process. He was pretty sure it was Buttercup that was under his feet.

He swung open the door and Alex stood there. Paul sighed and stepped outside, “What, Alex?” he demanded immediately, leaving the door slightly cracked behind him.

Alex handed him a paper.

Paul sighed and took it, “Is that all?”

“Yeah,” Alex nodded.

They stood there in silence.

“Are you going to read it?” Alex asked.

Paul sighed and opened it, reading down the page quickly.

Dear Paul,

I know this is kind of weird...a letter. It’s the same way that we called things off...but I’m also hoping it can be a new beginning for us too.

It’s no secret around here and probably outside of the community that you have been having issues with Daryl...hell, you’re not the only one. But after tonight, after what I’ve heard, I’m saying this as your friend as well as the person who is still very much in love with you, that I fear he’s dangerous.

That being said, we don’t have to tell anyone if you’d ever want to

Paul stopped reading and shoved the letter into his arms, “Okay...first of all...no. Just...no. We’re not,” he pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, “We’re not getting back together, Alex. Are you completely insane?” he demanded, “I have two kids...just…” he shook his head, “Second, what did you hear?”

“You haven’t heard?” Alex asked, “Harlan and Siddiq are getting ready to leave now. Aaron’s arm was amputated at the sight of the bridge construction. Apparently the Saviors dropped a bunch of logs on it and Daryl lost his shit, beat the guy with a pan or something,” he snorted, rubbing his arm awkwardly, “Not exactly safe to be around kids.”

“Yeah, well, I’ll be the judge of that,” Paul snapped, “Alex, you’re my friend. I thought we were on a good page and then you just…” he took a shaky breath, “I need to...can you leave?” he demanded before walking inside and grabbing his coat.

He looked at Violette and Lily, “Can you put them to bed when it’s time? I need to go.”

“What’s up?” Lily asked immediately.

“Family emergency...stay with them,” Paul said before dashing out the door. He pulled his beanie down over his head and waved down the car that Harlan and Siddiq were in just before it headed out of the gate, “I’m going with,” he called, getting in the car.

Paul rushed into camp, following quickly behind Harlan and Siddiq as they rushed to the medical tent. He looked around and caught eyes with Rick for a moment before trying to hurry after them before he caught up.

“Jesus, wait a minute,” Rick called.

Paul sighed and turned around, “Yes?” he asked, crossing his arms.

“Look,” Rick cleared his throat, “I know me and Daryl haven’t been on...the best of terms lately. But I wanted you to know...you ain’t alone in this. We’re a family, you included. Okay?”

Paul nodded, not saying anything.

“What are you doin’ here?” a shocked voice asked.

Paul turned around and saw Daryl. He quickly pulled him into a hug.

Daryl hugged him back, “Sorry,” he mumbled against his shoulder, “Was tryna get back, but this happened a-and I…” he took a shaky breath, “Couldn’t leave ‘im, Paul, you gotta understand.”

“I know, I know,” Paul said, carding his fingers through his hair, “C’mon, let’s go inside and see what the docs say,” he said.

And the two went inside to check on their friend.

[midoriyasbones]

ten songs i’m obsessed with at the moment

i’m so sorry, this is all pokémon soundtrack stuff... because i just got back into the games and literally logged 12 hours on pokemon super mystery dungeon within the past 3 days so like... i really don’t know what to tell you...

(tagged by @lo-tor!)

1. Main Theme - Pokemon Super Mystery Dungeon

god i think one of my favorite things to listen to is orchestral fanfare and flourishes stuff like this. it’s just!! it’s heroic and epic. you listen to it and it’s like a dawn. a big boom on a new horizon of adventure. i love it so much.

also! the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Explorers of Sky version is... fucking beautiful... i will be arranging this... mark my fucking words. i arranged undertale i’ll arrange this too

2. It Is What It Is - Pokemon Super Mystery Dungeon 

this is just playful as fuck. the whole smd soundtrack is just so playful, i usually giggle when i listen to certain songs on it. i think it’s really fitting considering it’s story is told from a very childlike perspective!! this is the first game i’ve ever played where i felt like a kid again, not a teen playing a kid’s game. it reminded me of the first time i ever picked up a pokemon book or played pokemon ranger! it’s so fun to listen to, especially this track. it’s just a lot of ‘well... that’s what it is! let’s roll with it!’ this The Children of Serene Village and Whoa! never fail to make me smile. they’re so bouncy!!

side note!! bouncy is one of my favorite words!

also i’m putting What to Do here too bc... IT BELONGS

3. Over the Mountain - Pokemon Super Mystery Dungeon

this song is just really peaceful. it’s just like the title says! just... even if you’ve never played pokemon just close your eyes and listen to it OKAY?

4. Title Screen - Pokemon Ranger Shadows of Almia

say what you want about the ranger games!! but if it’s anything bad my reply will be fuck you fuck you fuck you and fuck YOU!! shadows of almia was my first pokemon game ever. i think i was in the 3rd grade and my dad took me to best buy so we could get a new printer. my dad is... not nearly as attentive as my mom, so he just let me be alone as long as i stayed in the ds games section.

now, i’ve been in love with pokemon since the first grade when i found my brother’s hand book with the original 151 pokemon in it. i used to read that book at night bc if i read it in the day and my brother saw me he’d KILL me. i’d make up stories about the pokemon in their even though i’d never seen the games or show before. i only knew about it from the cards my brother had (he had way more yugioh cards though, but i never got into that really) and this book. i loved it so much, you have no idea.

anyways, as a kid i wasnt really allowed to do much by myself so i actually had no idea the pokemon games existed, but there i was, 8 years and standing in front of the ds game case for a solid 15 minutes, just staring at the little box. i was in love. it was new at the time, and there were the sinnoh pokemon on it and i’d never seen them before! i’d memorized all the names of the 151, and now there were MORE?? i was blown away.

i begged my dad to buy it for me and promised him i’d get him the money from home for it. it’s no secret that i’m my dad’s favorite (sorry bro, but even you admit this is true), so he did, and i kept my promise. as soon as i got home i broke open the tin i kept my birthday money in and repaid my dad the $25. then... i put it in my ds cartridge and became a pokemon ranger. i was hooked.

i guess you can say ever since then i’ve been really into the side games over the main ones. my first main one was platinum and i got it for my birthday that year. i’ve played the shit out of it, and i love my infernape to bits and pieces. the sinnoh region will always hold a special place in my heart, but it’ll never top the breath taking adventure i experienced in almia. god i love THAT FUCKING GAME!!! i love pokemon ranger shadows of almia and i loved guardian signs and i’m so upset they never made a fourth.

other good ranger songs: the forest theme, the water theme, the vottanage theme, almia restored

5. Partner’s Theme - Pokemon Super Mystery Dungeon

shut the FUCK UP. as much as i hate how much trouble riolu gets me into, i’d fucking Die for him. do not insult my son or you will perish at my hand.

also here it is as a music box!!!

6. No Frustration No Giving Up! and With Big Hearted Kindness - Pokemon Super Mystery Dungeon

okay, so if you’ve been here for a while you’ll know that some of the most common compliments i receive are about my compassion and my resilience/bravery. i’m not afraid to admit those are my best qualities and... im sorry but i’d be lying if i didn’t say it really hit me that the traits your partner really displays are resilience and kindness. i think those are two of the most under appreciated characteristics we really need today. people are trained to fear failure and despise set backs, but in the game you’re forced to accept them and move forward despite them. it’s actually a really common theme in pokemon and... i love it. lovE THESE FUCKING GAMES!!

in the game you’re also called to fight the Emissary of Darkness, a fucking god pokemon, for these two shit heads who basically bully you and your friends all the fucking time. you’re forced to accept people who do bad things as real people and to move on and not to characterize them on their actions. i love these morals. that’s what big hearted kindness is!! fuck me up!

7. On the Beach at Dusk - Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Explorers of Time and Darkness and Sky

oh god... i cry when i hear this theme. it’s so fucking beautiful and it carries so many goddamn memories. you meet your best friend with this theme. you come back to the dead to this theme. it’s just... it’s heart breaking and also just so healing to listen to.

this and goodnight :’)

8. In The Hands of Fate - Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Explorers of Time and Darkness and Sky

i also cry with this one... fellow players won’t need a reason

10. Don’t Want to Say Goodbye - Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Explorers of Time and Darkness and Sky

IM LITERALLY BAWLING AS WE SPEAK

tagging @saltyshiro @dr-chalk @aphroditeallura

[survivor-rotuma]

Ep. 5: “Our tribemates had to die for MYSANDRE to rise.” - Lysandre

Felix

I'm kind of glad Raul is gone. To me, he was the biggest liability in all the alliances I had with him. It is just a shame to see someone I made an alliance with early in this game get eliminated like that. However, now that means Marie will continue to be a target for Cassie at merge, and I can still work with Lysandre. They are a valuable asset to me. I would not want to bring them to the end, but I would love to take them as far as I could to ensure my own safety. Right now, if it is a final 3 scenario, I want to take Flint and Joey since they seem the least active and the most trustworthy. Plus, they don't seem to have games at the moment, but I'll have to keep an eye on that as we go along. Final 2 scenario for me is definitely with Joey though at his point in the game. 

Boris

"Sorry for my lack of confessionals lately. Just literally nothing is happening. My tribe basically died completely as far as activity goes and I'm just sitting pretty until merge anyways so!

Yeah go me woo"

Felix

"I don't want to summarize. So take this chat log instead. 

TLDR: Joey confirms to me that we're ride or dies which makes my FTC plans more possible. He wants Sumi to win the challenge and for either Mea or us to go to tribal. I want us to go to tribal because, well, I don't trust Charlie to remain loyal to us.

What do you think about all that's happened?

Joey, 8:10 PM: i think we're the only ones who have never been to tribal

8:10 PM: Yeah I think so!

Joey, 8:10 PM: what's the tribe that's not mea

8:10 PM: Sumi

Joey, 8:10 PM: yeah i think at merge it's gonna be based on tribal lines

8:11 PM: Mea will defintely be the people in the middle. We need to reel them in if we want to stay the majority based on tribal lines

Joey, 8:11 PM: exactly that's why i'm wondering if losing the next challenge would be bad for us

8:13 PM: Yeah someone will have to lose it. If Sumi loses then they have 4 against our 5. But that means Mea will want to work with them more since we'd be a threat due to our size. Though if we lose, then we have to convince Mea on the same principles to vote out a person from Sumi. It's kind of a tricky situation to be in. But hen if Mea goes to tribal again, then that'd just be one person to convince but then it'd be deadlocked

I think this might be the most important immunity pre-merge

Joey, 8:14 PM: i agree like honestly best case scenario is Mea loses again lol but i think if sumi loses we could be in trouble obviously i'm loyal to the four but above all you're my ride or die man

8:15 PM: Are you suggesting that you throw the challenge? Tsk tsk how unsportmanlike lol. But I wouldn't mind it. The worst that happens is that we vote out Charlie

Joey, 8:15 PM: i hate throwing challenges lmao but i think it depends on the challenge i think regardless of what happens we want sumi to win make them the threats

8:16 PM: I think so too. Whatever direction you take this in, I'll follow. And you're my ride or die too! I've bonded with you the most out of everyone here and think you're awesome!

I'll trust your instincts on how to tackle this immunity. Good luck either way!

Joey, 8:17 PM: haha i appreciate it man!! we'll definitely touch base and see what happens "

Felix

This eraser will definitely help out at merge, especially those early votes. I think I'll use it the second merge starts just to make sure we have the numbers to kick out someone from Sumi. It sucks that I didn't get one of those big advantages tho

Flint

That auction was cut throat, woof! 

Marie

"Hi, I’m Spencer from Cagayan you might of heard of me as the most unlucky survivor player ev-

NO BITCH MOVE OUTTA THE WAY ITS ME MARIE. O k, so my tribe is already down to 2 people. And now our chances are even worse?????????? Wow I have horrible intuition "

Cassie

Well that auction was a bit of a bust for me personally, but as for our five person unit it wasn't too bad. After I brought in a ten percent overall disadvantage for the next immunity, Joey scored big with that advantages. Plus Felix as well. I still believe in the Tuai power!

Joey

So I had a chat with Felix earlier today about the game. At this point I've coasted very easily through pre-merge since i have yet to attend a tribal council, but as the individual game approaches, it's time to go from a direct UTR/MOTR to a CPM legend! Obviously, Sumi and Tuai are pretty evenly placed going into the merge, but personally I think we're the bigger threat. We've never lost a challenge nor attended tribal together, so it's a lot easier for us to band together with numbers and I think the other tribes are smart enough to see that. So, I was throwing around the idea of potentially throwing the next challenge and booting Charlie so that we would go into merge with a numbers disadvantage to Sumi and have a lot of swaying power for the Mea duo. However, with my challenge advantage as well as Felix's vote eraser, we have a lot of opportunities opening up that we can hopefully capitalize on!

Flint

Turns out my machete advantage from the auction holds no power. So now I have to decide, tell people that I didn’t receive an advantage or lie about it and create a fake advantage to gain favor in the game. I’m a terrible liar but I think I should create some lie to help gain insight from others

Bradley

I am truly a mess and Jay deserves better. Been dealing with life changing stuff and its been keeping me away from checking in the game. I got a strike and its my first one ever and i feel so bad. Gunna try harder but still dealing with stiff so we’ll see.

Lysandre

"Oh boi I hope your'e ready for a thicc confessional. So I survived last round miraculously! Marie didn't vote me out lmaooo. 

The reward challenge is here!! And the reward is an Auction!! I'm heading into the auction trying to snag something so that I can at least boost ability to navigate in the game. Some notable things from the auction: Joey gets a 15% advantage in the challenge, Felix gets to negate a vote, Marie gets a 10% disadvantage in the challenge hjefwkbvkaevbkj.fe bdka and Boris gets to pick someone from any tribe for a movie night. 

I SNAGGED AN EXTRA VOTE at the AUCTION AND HOW I DID IT WAS ICONIC. So me and like 5 people bid on the same item and it got randomized 3 times and I picked spot number 4 to be the winner. The person in spot number 4 was none other than LYSANDRE. AHA!! 

Now the speculation begins. Charlie bought a mask and I believe that the mask holds the ability for her to see the votes for one round. I have no idea what Apollo has but it may be an exile pass or like a clue to merge idol?? I think the first tho. Also who the hell knows what Brianna has. I believe Flint bought the power to give someone a disadvantage.

OMG BORIS PICKED ME FOR THE MOVIE. This is literally the best outcome I can think of. During the short time that I was on another tribe I really clicked well with Boris and I liked him a bunch. I really want him to be my ride or die moving forward into the game. I'd love to hear who he's close with and could pull me in with. I also want to gain a lot of his trust by willing off my extra vote to him since I have my idol. the only way I would do that is if I tell him about my having an idol . 

JAY RELEASED THE CHALLENGE AND IM IN SUCH A CRISIS. It's Duolingo which is really oof. What makes it Biig OOOOF is the fact that we are learning the language of Game of Thrones or something. Do I look Like Arya or something???? So in order to drag me AND Marie into the merge I'm going to have to speak like the Valyrian, eat like the Valyrian, become the Valyrian, experience Valyrian. "

Lysandre

Marie is kind of a liability. She publicly announces things that shouldn't be announced and she now knows about my extra vote even tho its obvi. She was cute until she started anti returnee propoganda dbkvka l  but I probably will keep her around unless we lose and battle.

Marie

Lys and I have a fire lit under our asses, but maybe that’s what we need to get our tribe of two to win

Bryan 

I. Hate. Duolingo. So much. I hate being one of the two people participating. And I hate that Bradley is never online and is probably gonna barely contribute so it all rests to me. That sounds rude. If Bradley does end up contributing I will make an apology confession. 

Felix

With recent news that we are losing majorly in this challenge, it seems Tuai might have to go to tribal for the first time in this game. The vote would obviously go towards Charlie, but what if she has an idol? I have an idol, but is that the only idol on the island? Things get crazier and crazier everyday but I am hopeful that things turn out alright. I really do hope she gets eliminated if we go to tribal, then we can make it to merge

Lysandre

People call me Lys now. I guess Lys is short for Lysol because I stay cleaning these bitches 

Charlie 

"I have a feeling I might be voted out this round, I think it has to do with how im performing in challenges

Boris

"that auction... whew!! So many hidden powers that's def gonna fuck me up in the future. And all I got was a pair of $400 movie tickets. The most EXPENSIVE movie i've ever seen, and it's gonna be a documentary about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez lmao. 

I chose Lysandre for the movie night bc? They're my fave from our fake swap tribe and even though they probably don't have a lot of juicy tea to spill because they're on Mea, I might as well start trying to build a strong relationship to prepare for merge"

Boris

also I was kinda worried about Brianna and Bradley having to compete in this next challenge for us because they sat out last time but so far it looks okay? Brianna seems to be doing #that and Tuai is trudging behind, which is perFECT because it'd give Sumi a numbers advantage in the merge. so yeah! come thru!

Apollo

2 things. Thank god I don’t have to compete in the duolingo challenge and I am so lucky to have received the extra vote. With a super idol and a vote steal and who knows what else out there, any extra advantage that’s out there? From now on? I’ll take it. I have the time to complete the challenge but not the patience nor the desire to. The gag is if Brianna or Bradley don’t put up enough effort and we lose? They don’t know that it’s their asses on the line. If we lost I think Brianna should go since she’s more of a threat than Bradley could ever be. Bradley will end up being loyal to us if we lose. It’s convoluted but if we lose my plan is. Convince Brianna and Bradley to vote for Zest. Convince Brianna that’s zest is voting for her. Convince Brianna that Zest has an idol and to vote Bradley in case Zest isn’t lying. Actually vote Brianna along with Borris and Zest. Brianna leaves in a 3-1-1 vote. Bradley would be shook and thankful that we saved him and we’d tell him afterwards that Brianna wanted him out. Then we’re a strong foursome with a goat in Bradley. Would I like to execute this plan? Yes, absolutely. But winning immunity would be just as satisfying. 

Cassie

Waiting on results for this challenge has left me feeling quite nervous. Both Charlie and Joey have their reasons for not being able to catch up as much and it makes me more nervous. I don’t like feeling this way.

Marie

OH MY GOD WE MIGHT NOT GO TO TRIBAL, but then again those might be my famous last words

Lysandre

"So this duolingo challenge is agonizing but I'm giving it all I have so that me and Marie can rock this thing. She wants us to get 1st place because she thinks that the last two tribes will both be going to tribal council. I would agree with her and I'm aiming for first. 

Also can't wait for my movie night with Boris to begin!! I know its going to be good and I plan on solidifying something with him!"

Brianna 

2nd place. But we still have to go to tribal. Ugh. Um. Kind of don’t know what’s gonna happen. Probably gonna be zest or Bradley. 

Felix

Charlie is gone. Or she will be. There's no way the Tuai Quad LLC will vote for each other. Unless we are snakes in the grass. Also, this double tribal council is iconic. Now the stakes are even going into merge. Let's see how this goes

Cassie

Well damn. I had a feeling we wouldn’t make it without a tribal, at least as a whole tribe. It seemed as though the disadvantage didn’t matter too much though as we were below Sumi anyways. Tonight should be the easy vote, I hope.

Marie

THE TRIBE OF TWO LIVES ON!

Felix

"Flint does not trust Joey which is understandable. I mean he doesn't trust Charlie either, but he hasn't talked to either extensively. Joey seems to not have a social game which proves that he is the perfect goat to bring to FTC (at least in this stage in the game). I have no doubt that Charlie will go since Cassie has already cast her vote, and Joey will vote Charlie since he's the other one on the chopping block. I will also vote Charlie. That 3-2 if Flint goes against us. But that most likely will not happen. 

Cassie is so smug. She already cast her vote for Charlie. She cannot fathom us betraying her. She thinks she is in charge of this tribe which might be true. But she's got me so close that she can't see the snakes in her garden. It's infested honey! Flint already has doubts about the alliance, and I'm already plotting your downfall. Her garden of snakes will be the end of her!"

Lysandre

"Wow I can't believe that me and Marie are in the lead for this challenge!!

And my movie night with Boris was a huge success from it I learned that he has half of a super idol and he found an advantage that allowed him to see how many alliances a person was in and he chose Felix and revealed it was 2 alliances he was in. I first had to share my extra vote with him and we were solid.  We started watching Knock Down The House documentary on Netflix and so Alexandria Ocasio Cortez or AOC for short was the icon that we bonded over. Since I had already seen the documentary I had just opened my duolingo in another tab and continued that lmao I refuse to lose!! Towards the end when AOC won I decided to really really solidify things with Boris by telling him about my idol. LITTLE DID I KNOW Boris the Brute had an idol as well!! From that point we decided to really work together and share our collective power. 

Other notable events during movie night include an exposing Felix party as well as Briana possibly having the other part to the idol. Oh and Me and Boris also decided to name our alliance after AOC. Thats our final 2.. the AOC FINAL 2!!"

Lysandre

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Me and Marie WON!!! Mea WINS and we get to avoid fire making!!! Also Marie was right! The losing TWO tribes went to tribal. SO WE DID THAT by getting first place. Our tribemates had to die for MYSANDRE to rise. 

Now that we won I can't help but hope that Boris survives. He needs to up his social game or else he's in trouble. Apparently his social game is ok at best because Apollo didnt tell him what his advantage was and yet Boris claims they are close so what is the truth. 

Meanwhile me and Marie are discussing the game and our potential future at a merge and a strategy that may work for us. Lets go Mysandre and Lysoris!!

Flint

Ugh this is a tough loss and I’m so torn on what to do. I’ve heard both Joey and Charlie’s names being thrown out as an option. I was close with Joey at the beginning but we’ve seem to have drifted apart. Charlie did better in the challenge so that could also factor into my vote. With all the auction items on the table and talk of a potential merge this could be an interesting tribal. 

Apollo

Imagine, me, finally getting the opportunity to play with Zib Zab. Imagine, me, thinking she was Karen in the beginning of the game. I think Boris is my mom. And if she’s not, And she is Karen, well, she’s doing a great job of being incognito

Marie

It’s so weird not planning for tribal, I’m so proud of lys and myself

Colin

"Last nights movie date has me SHOOK. Im so glad I picked Lysandre, we built such a strong connection in the limited time we were allowed to spend together, and I think despite us barely having time to connect I can consider them my biggest ally, even across tribal lines, so I hope we can both make it to merge in one piece!! 

Lysandre gave me so much info last night; Felix is playing hard asf, there WERE alliances made on one world and the fake swap that I wasnt included in, and both Lysandre and I have our tribe's idols. 

Knowing all of this is a game changer, I have to adapt my strategy to how everyone else is playing and hope it works out in my favor. "

Boris

ALSO this double tribal is ugly at. Bradley did the absolute bare minimum to not get a strike but we all see how poorly hes performing. Ugh I want him gone so badly so that we can have a strong tribe going into merge. Apollo and Zest are giving me a little push back, insisting Brianna is more of a threat but i don't care!! We got way bigger threats to worry about when merge hits!! We need to make it through as a stronger tribe, not a weaker one

Felix

Welp, she's gone. I wonder how things will go for Sumi. I'm just excited to make it to the merge!

Flint 

The last tribal went off as hoped with no idols or funny business played. I feel bad for voting Charlie out but I can’t play with my heart and need to toughen up to make it far in this game. 

Lysandre

It feels so good to not have a tribal or fire to worry about?? I am really relieved lol. It looks like Charlie left and thats ok because I didn't even know the person. I just hope Boris doesn't die lmao. I hope he uses his idol this round though.

Apollo

"https://media1.tenor.com/images/224ee4a75a647fa6154d57dfada003ac/tenor.gif?itemid=13920223

I suppose I’ll be a passenger for now. Brianna is going to stay and Bradley will be leaving if all goes according to plan. I’ll let Borris take control so that he becomes a bigger target than I come the merge. I love Borris but I guess I would cut him if it was a f2. I’m going to try and use this time to try and get Zest to be my f2 partner."

[ellebeebee]

2.537

Part Seven

Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six

Phrixus Jaril, 13, moves to the Citadel at a delicate age: namely, the peak of his teenage angst. He doesn’t expect much from these rich Citadel kids. But then he meets the Ryder twins, and all their friends, and realizes that he may have been a wee bit wrong about things. His relationship with Mira Ryder evolves over the years, and he never expected things to end up the way they did.

2970 words, Female Ryder|Sara Ryder/Original Male Turian Character, teen rating

AO3

-

He hadn’t really gotten to know Jyra Kraetoq, of the lower Citadel wards, during basic. And two months into advanced training, he still knew jack-all about her. He and Ruq tended to include her at meal times and in down time, because they came from the same basic squad. And they were usually in the same fire team. But the most they’d gotten her to say about herself was that she could probably infiltrate any system of ductwork, felt strongly that anyone not carrying at least two sidepieces and knives was asking for it, and didn’t believe in eating meat. Even the vat-cloned “meat” that was so often a camp staple.

She was okay, though. Good with tech and a pistol.

He never saw Kraetoq after training; last he’d heard, she had a post out near geth space– some joint op with both Alliance and Flotilla forces cleaning up leftovers from the Battle of the Citadel. Ruq, unfortunately, stuck to him like varren shit. Some years after boot camp, they met again at the fringes of the Attican Traverse. Slaver hunting. But even without meeting up with Ruq again, he recalled these two in particular because they gave him some advice he should have listened to. Sure, Kraetoq went through partners like tp, and Ruq was so dense he’d have someone sticking their mandibles straight up into his before he realized they were interested– but still. You see the splinter in someone else’s eye better than the log in yours or whatever.

During one evening’s free time, most of their squad and the other squads in the company were in the rec room. Kraetoq had stood from the table she, Phrixus, and Ruq had been sitting at.

She whistled at him. “Jaril. Latrine.”

Feet propped on the table top, Phrixus looked up from his omnitool. “Take a female.”

They (meaning everyone under sergeant rank) had to walk around the camp in pairs, usualy male-male and female-female, but in cases of male-female you took three. One male, two females or one female, two males. It was kind of a pain in the middle of the night when someone had to pee really bad and had to wait on someone to wake up and stop cursing you for waking you up.

“I could make the obvious joke here,” Kraetoq drawled. “But let’s just save time and go already.”

He didn’t feel like arguing, so he dropped his feet and shoved at Ruq, napping on the table with his head in his arms. Ruq grumbled some but got up anyway. A short walk later, the two of them leaned against the wall outside the female latrine, Ruq half falling asleep again and Phrixus with his mandibles deep in his tool.

And his head was still mired elsewhere when Kraetoq came out, and the other two were halfway down the hallway.

“Jaril,” Ruq called.

He looked up, and pushed off the wall. And when he followed after them, and passed by them, Ruq got sneaky and shot out a hand to grab onto his wrist. Jerking, he whipped Phrixus’s hand around so that he could look at the omnitool, too.

“I’m not gonna forget you–” he read out loud. He whistled. “How darling. Romantic, even. How much did you pay the guy to write all this for your sour ass?”

Quicker than Ruq could react, Phrixus flicked him sharply on the forehead with his free hand.

“Shit–”

“Dumbass,” he told Ruq.

His hand returned to him, he turned off his omnitool. He’d been browsing through his old message logs. The people in them almost felt like… strangers. At what point had they stopped writing to each other like that, like… Their feelings were so easy to admit. To just spit out. It hadn’t even been a year since he’d written that line Ruq used, but it felt like a lifetime.

The three of them walked back to the rec area with Ruq shrilling about the mark Phrixus probably left. Kraetoq glanced at him. At the face he was making.

“Trouble in paradise?” she asked.

He glanced at her. Shrugged. “My girlfriend. Lately she’s… acting like a damn princess. I’m here, busting my ass, and…” He shrugged again. “It’s just hard to talk to her lately.”

They dropped into their old seats. Propped their feet up again. And Kraetoq didn’t say anything, so he thought the subject was dropped. But then she cleared her throat.

“Maybe she’s acting like a princess because she is one? Maybe every girl is a bit of a princess. Just some don’t get the chance to act like it.”

He looked at her. And shrugged and rolled his eyes because he was a damn idiot and thought she was complaining about having to nag them about walking her to the latrine, and not that she was saying something he should have really heard.

He should have been worried when Mira started going out again. Since the move to the dorms, Forta had decided to cut the drinking and work on lifting and his overall fitness. Of course, the timing and the amount of enthusiasm he threw into this should have worried Phrixus for an altogether different reason. Mira, though, went back to sneaking out with Aela and all the old suspects back home. He’d thought at first it was her just going back to things like normal. But then at some point she and Aela got bored of all the same old house parties.

[mira] soooo

[phrixus] yeah

[mira] me n aela have been up to no good

[mira] ;D

[phrixus] do i really want to hear this

[mira] yesss

[mira] you do

[mira] so u kno how ur csn is tied to ur face recs and thats how you get id’ed for bars and stuff

If at any time you are a citizen of Citadel space, you receive a constantly updating three-dimensional face scan that will be associated with a Citadel Space Number and your various specs. This information is stored with various police and government databases, which vendors of regulated goods and services are required to access before selling to you.

[phrixus] yeah…

[mira] well, we met this asari who knows someone that will program a jump in scanner software when your face is scanned so it looks like you’re legal

[mira] its expensive

[mira] but i think its worth it

[phrixus] mira

[phrixus] are you for real right now

[mira] what

[phrixus] you’re planning on going to bars and clubs

[phrixus] you’re a kid

[phrixus] you know that’s fucking dangerous

[phrixus] there are creeps out there

[mira] yeah i know

[mira] we’re not going to be stupid about it

[mira] whats with you

[mira] you used to be into this stuff

[phrixus] well maybe i just have my priorities straight

[mira] and i dont?

[phrixus] you’re failing half your classes, you skip too much, all you really seem to care about anymore is partying

[phrixus] you’re not even going to the gun ranges or the arena

[phrixus] and aela just keeps making it worse

[mira] you dont know anything

[mira] aela has been there for me

[mira] she actually listens to me

[mira] not like you anymore

[mira] you used to give a shit about my life

[mira] now im lucky if you even send a message once a day

[mira] you used to tell me things

[mira] now i dont know anything about what youre doing

[mira] or how you are

[mira] youve changed and i dont even know you anymore

[phrixus] you think i wanted it like this

[phrixus] im here because its my responsibility

[phrixus] im doing my duty and i dont have all the fucking time in the world to answer every message

[phrixus] especially all this crap about how hungover you are or whining about how expensive your fake id will be

[phrixus] im here doing real work in the real world

[phrixus] not like you and aela out in la la land over there

[phrixus] im getting my life together not fucking wasting it

[mira] no youre not youre just being an asshole

[mira] maybe everyone was right about you

[mira] youre not shy or misunderstood or whatever

[mira] youre just a selfish jerk

[mira] you have no idea how to care about anyone other than yourself

[mira] and i bet none of this is new

[mira] youve always looked down on me

[mira] youre just a fucking emotional leech

[mira] but dont worry i wont bother you again with my screwed up life

-

They didn’t talk for two weeks.

He had never been angry at anyone, had never been angry at her in this way before. He’d never been hurt in this way.

He aced an impromptu fire and movement drill, earned praise from the company’s captain. He memorized all of the regs concerning the movement of refugees from an unsecured location to a secured location. He learned how to properly fire heavy artillery, and how to decimate an air raid with a dazzling firework display.

All the while pretending to not think about it. All the while stewing.

He felt like shit.

He ignored calls from home, from his moms and his old friends. All the messages. He told no one about the fight. Maybe he thought if he kept quiet, it would cease to exist. Just be erased from the history of the universe if no one could remember it.

But him ignoring it wasn’t going to erase the logs in his omnitool, or make her forget.

He just felt like shit.

When did things get so bad? How could it have been, just a year ago, that he felt there was no one who knew him better, that he trusted more, and then that same person turned into a stranger? Someone he couldn’t understand, someone who he couldn’t confide in or vice-versa? How the fuck was it possible that someone you’d shared a bed with– the only person you’d touched or touched you could turn into… an enemy?

And what was it in him that just… could do nothing to help her. Her mother was dying. And he couldn’t do anything. He hadn’t been able to comfort her, say anything of significance for her. He was useless.

If he were honest, and not trying to forget the whole thing, he’d have to admit he didn’t have much right to criticize her.

Where did the trust get broken? Where did the understanding go? Where did that warm afternoon air go, sliding down their bare backs? Where did the quiet rustling as they shifted closer go? And her smile– when was the last time he’d made her smile?

That hit some deep spot in him, some horribly tender place that wasn’t protected by plates or armor. A place he’d been trying to ignore, all this time at camp.

He pretended to forget for two weeks before he ended up wide awake after lights out, laying in bed and staring at the ceiling. He was running on several nights of staring up at the ceiling instead of sleeping, and yet, here he was. Awake. Pretending.

Phrixus pushed up an elbow and glanced down from his top bunk. Everyone was out. In the hall outside, he couldn’t hear the boots of the patrolling fire watch. They were supposed to report anyone out of bed, but even if they caught him only brown-nosing assholes ever snitched on fellow trainees.

Silently, he slipped down the ladder. He dug his omnitool out, climbed back up, and pulled up the covers to block some of the light.

He sent a message to Mira. And waited. And waited. The air filters in the barracks room clicked at rapid rhythm every few hours. It wasn’t too loud, just sort of softly angry and stuttery. Could wake you up though, and you wouldn’t realize it was the filters. You’d get spooked and feel like something was sitting on your chest. He sent another message.

And he waited and waited.

[phrixus] We need to talk.

[mira] oooo cap

[mira] s

[mira] pucntion

[mira] ooooooo

[mira] u dontwnt to tallk tome

[phrixus] Have you been drinking?

A very long pause. He turned his omnitool’s light off when he heard the passing of the fire watch.

[phrixus] Where are you?

[mira] purgatory

[phrixus] Mira.

[mira] stop

[mira] dont

[phrixus] Who’s with you?

[mira] y do u caer

[phrixus] I’m messaging Aela.

[mira] no

[mira] y not alk me

[mira] im drunk im nt stupid

[mira] im the one u shld tallk to

[mira] but u dont

[mira] u nnever

[phrixus] im sorry

[mira] yeah

[mira] metoo

[phrixus] you wanna vid talk?

[phrixus] mira?

[phrixus] mira

He waited a while. And waited. Tried her again. Then he tried Aela.

[phrixus] hey are you with mira

[aela] yeah

[aela] we’re leaving purgatory now

[aela] try her tomorrow or something

[phrixus] ok

[phrixus] how is she

[aela] look, i’m the last person you want to ask about this

[aela] i’m not gonna pull punches

[aela] and i don’t want to make it worse

[aela] just talk to her tomorrow

-

So he skipped lunch the next day and messaged her. Wedged into the corner between two auxiliary buildings, having snuck his omnitool into his waistband in the morning. The electromagnetic barrier of the fort’s biodome buzzing distantly overhead. As answer, she vid called him back.

He was in fatigues, unbuttoned to the waist. The dome protected from a great deal of heat, but it was still much hotter out of doors.

She stared at him, out of the QE data transmission, tinged in hologram blue. In her dorm, sitting on a bed not so different from the one he used now. The plain, nondescript walls not so different from the ones in the barracks, yet hers papered with photo screens and posters. The cushions at her back the same from her old room. Her face was a mess, like clan markings done with cheap paint in a downpour, and she wore a wrinkled and disheveled dress he’d never seen before. Her hair was pulled back carelessly.

“Hey,” she said, small and quiet.

“Hey,” he said.

He could hear the distant rhythm of a jogging company. Even farther out, the sharp cracks of the range.

“You okay?” he asked.

Her eyes shot down, her jaw working. She shook her head.

“I don’t– I need to say something,” she said. “I said some stuff I shouldn’t have the last time we messaged.”

“I did, too–”

“Wait. Just, wait. I’m sorry. You’re not that type of person I said you were. But I also said some things I should’ve a while ago. Things haven’t… they haven’t been the same… Phrixus.”

He waited, holding his mandibles rigid. He watched the slide of her eyes to some spot away from him, and the working of her throat.

“I’m sorry,” he managed. “Mira, I’m sorry. I’ve been terrible. You’re nothing like… and I haven’t been there for you, I know. But I’ve been– worried about you.”

She hesitated, nervous hands going to push away a stray curl that wasn’t there. “I’m glad. I mean. I know I haven’t been making great choices. But I mean… I just wanted… some fun and– and you know, I’ve been worried about you, too. I don’t have any idea how you’re feeling anymore.”

“Yeah,” he said, subvocals dipping. “I know.”

“And I’m sort of tired of just… waiting for some bit of your time. I feel like I’m just a distraction for you.”

“You’re not– you’re not. But… I’m sorry. I just need, well, space. I really just can’t spare the same amount of time…”

“I know.”

Then she looked up properly, at the rigidity in his face. Her eyes shone. She inhaled, the sound trembling, in her throat.

“Phrixus, I think– I think this just isn’t working anymore. Things aren’t the same.  And we both– I think we both need to focus on other things.”

The voice of some sergeant out in the yard spread out over the compound, echoing like a sergeant’s voice does, but wordless and unemotional and hard. An unintelligible dressing down of some group of teenagers.

“I…” he needed to reply, but his voice was skittering away from him. “I think… you’re probably right. I guess we should just– break up…”

She stared up at him. Her voice was so small and tight. “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

-

He felt… relief for a while. Relief that the pressure and responsibility of the relationship was over. That he didn’t have to come back to his bunk with a backlog of messages to catch up on.

But then the guilt set in. Had they just given up? Should he have tried harder, done more. How could he have said the things he did. This wasn’t just anyone.  This was her. And she had needed him, and he hadn’t been there.

And then the pain set in. Like the story Lieutenant Gratarian had told them on simulation; there are times when soldiers get cleaved in two, and they’re dead, they just don’t realize it yet. But they keep talking, still trying to get help. But they’re dead, and they’ll feel it soon.

All the things he remembered, all the things they’d shared– it got into that deep and tender spot. Turned into this black blemish that never seemed to go away. He could forget about it. But sometimes something (some scent that reminded him, some shift in another’s form) would touch it, and light that tender spot on fire.

But what they’d said still remained.

Maybe it was for the best.

He could focus on training, and she could work things out, figure out the thing in her that was hurting.

Time passed. He didn’t try to make up or restart things, and neither did she.

And they moved on.

[mckoriginals-blog]

Chapter 1: It was a long road that brought him here. And like most stories of true love, it all began with a girl. But we'll get to that later. First... The boy. Clark had endured pain. Physical first. For years. What a 2 year old toddler could do to provoke years of anger... Clark still couldn't say. He only remembered that his concept of love was directly connected to deep mistrust and a sincere wish to please the people around him. Sometimes he found the way quickly. He gave his father what he needed and the beating stopped. Sometimes, there was no reason behind it. So the beating didn't stop. Bruises became choke marks. Black eyes became swollen. Cuts became stitches. Lies became commonplace. There was a "happy family narrative." In fact, the entire family could have lost everything if certain people knew. So the burden fell upon the boy, to keep up the lies, to suffer in silence, and to endure the nightmares. All of this shaped how he loved. All of this is important. From age 2 to age 7, Clark was hurt in ways that still affect him today. He remembers those years, especially at night. First, he couldn't sleep. His father would pass the room, see Clark's eyes open, and his imposing shadow moved closer as he entered the room. The door would close. And merciless violence was his punishment. For being awake. Not loud, not even talking. He was not out of bed. He was in bed, as asked, falling to rest... Just not fast enough. The next week he hid under his bed. He knew he wasnt asleep yet. He knew his Dad would see him. If he hid, he couldn't find him. Or maybe he'd see the fear he instilled in his only son and feel shame. The beating that night was one of the worse he had ever received. He learned to fake sleeping. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes not. Sometimes hearing, "Clark. Are you awake?" Was enough to make him shake in fear. This answered the question. His emotions betrayed him. His father knew. He was rewarded with pain. Between 2 and 7, Clark learned something. A fail-safe. The way to stop the physical abuse. He had to cry. Everytime he did, it brought his father out of it. His father would stop. He'd apologize, begging his confused son for forgiveness. What child would refuse their Dad that? But... The sentiment.... "It will never happen again, Clark. I promise, I'll never hit you again." That was a lie. So he knew promises were not for him. And he stopped crying. The abuse got worse. As the rage built within him, desperate to see tears and fear in the eyes of his son, Clark's father was instead met with stoicism. A cold resolve. Emotionless eyes from his son. The beatings would go on for years, but Clark never cried again for his father. Eventually, Clark's mother left his father. His sisters were staying with her. Clark was old enough to make the choice. He still remembers this moment. "My Dad is staying. My mother and sisters are moving. My Dad will be alone. I don't want him to be alone. I choose Dad." Clark's mother cried. How do you explain to your 7 year old son that his empathy was going to be met with abuse? He didn't know it was wrong. He didnt know other sons were loved, not hit. The family never taught him the difference because if he knew, his father's career would have ended. Somehow, his mother convinced Clark that his father would be ok and his little sisters needed him more. And at age 7, Clark moved into a house of kindness, compassion, and patience. And he forgot the abuse. Repressed it. For many years. People asked why Clark didn't make eye contact. Some asked him directly. Guessing correctly. "Were you ever hit, son?" And Clark smiled. "Of course not." And he thought it was the truth. Chapter 2: Clark was popular. He wasn't the best athlete. He did ok. He wasn't the most confident kid. He fought insecurities often. But he was a few other things. He was smart. He devoured books. Watched the news. Thought and asked questions beyond his years. He was nice. His heart was big and he wore it on both sleeves. He was funny. He made kids laugh, adults chuckle, and his sarcastic nature made him see optimism and positivity in the darkest of times. And because of this, people liked him. And Clark liked being liked. Then, Clark felt a new emotion. You may disbelieve it. And the intensity of it can be doubted and debated. But Clark found love at a young age. And it became his everything. This powerful force suddenly became his main focus. Everything in life was in the pursuit of it. He wrote and spoke passionately. He charmed. He wooed. He found all his strengths could be used to win the hearts of the girls he fell for. Jokes made him funny. Poems made him romantic. Kindness made him sensitive. Intelligence made him interesting. But love is complex. And betrayal... Painful. Love was innocent at 7. Losing it was hard at 10. And finding his girlfriends cheating at 13, well. That was devastating. 13. The year his mother and father fought. Thats the year the nightmares started again. Thats the year he remembered. This is where Clark became broken. But... he did survive. And two years later, he met the girl who made him whole. Layla. Chapter 3: Sitting in base housing, Clark listened to the most heinous things being said about his mother. Insults, for no reason. It was too much. His father was mad at her. So he sat his three children down and told them every disgusting nasty thing he thought about her. They went home in tears. Clark felt them welling up, but did not let them fall. He was good at holding back tears. "Mom? Dad said this. And this. It's not true, right?" Then she repeated his infraction. She told her teenage son and daughters about how terrible their father is. Clark ignored it all. He was a cheater. A sex addict. A deviant. Whatever... Clark thought to himself. As though his mother could read his mind, she turned to Clark. "Plus, dont forget all the things he did to you." Clark felt something in the back of his mind. A wall. Cracking. "The bruises. The scars." The wall was shaking, struggling to keep something back. "He used to beat you, Clark." The wall collapsed. "No, he didnt..." Clark said. Then he yelled it. Then he cried. Then he ran. But he was starting to remember. And he would never forget again. The nightmares came. But they were memories. He knew, because he asked each time. "Did he give me a bloody nose?" "Yes." "Did he make me lie at the base picnic?" "...Yes." "Did he come into my room?" "Almost every night..." "AND YOU LET HIM? FOR HOW LONG?" He didn't like the answer. His popularity took a hit. He withdrew. He battled depression. He had trouble socializing. Clark's entire fucking world fell apart. And things were about to get worse. Chapter 4: Its interesting. When you have a strong sense of justice and someone in your family breaks the law. It can disillusion you and make you question your entire perspective. It can drive you away from your family. It can make you leave. Clark left his mother's house and moved in with his father. Clarks father tried to explain the past. "Your Mom tricked me. She said she was on birth control." Gee. I was an accident. Im so sorry. Thanks Dad. I understand now. But there was one thing about his father he knew. His father followed the law. So he stayed. The internet, messaging... It was just becoming a thing. Clark loved computers. He loved the internet. He read. Wrote a lot. And he played Checkers. Online. And he met Barry. A Canadian. They talked about video games. Barry told him about a Romanian born classmate, Alex. Alex started playing Checkers too. He was a computer whiz. In a few days, he taught Clark how to read HTML, make webpages, send documents, download songs, and even IM. It was innocuous the day. Clark logged into MSN messenger. Alex greeted him. Clark was doing homework. Barry joined the room. Then Gabe. Clark was getting overwhelmed. Remembering what his Dad did took away his extroverted side. He was completely shy. Nervous. Doubtful. He didn't know Gabe well. Clark was thinking of an excuse to leave... "Hey, Clark. There's one more person who wants to join. Is that ok?" Alex asked. Clark wanted to say no. To this day, he can't tell you why he didn't. He was a people pleaser. Maybe that's why. "Yeah. Of course." *Layla has joined the chat room*