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hell-heron · 5 years

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The mighty crusaders 1957 - Liveblog

First of all this is a terrible title, second can't believe this is really the only adaptation available. I really have been spoiled by all the previous classics-related obsessions. But yeah, because I hate myself I decided to watch this extremely weird and unfaithful movie, thankfully not mute nor black and white but in English and unsubbed so I'll try I guess

- We open on a war council. Goffredo is good, Rinaldo is a fuckin brat, nothing new. Then we cut to Tancred leading his troops + war prisoners back to the camp. Tancredi is cute enough, he's slightly mean to Erminia bc when a Muslim soldier tries to escape he blames her saying she should have prevented him and save his life which?? How?? But overall he's nice enough, which is important because really so many girls fall for him just because he's pretty, honorable, nice and overall boyfriend goals. Erminia just gives him an half smile before being scolded by some old man for fraternizing with the enemy but oh well. Erminia's character is actually quite well presented. She has a very melancoly line about how for a soldier life as a prisoner is worth nothing, but she as a woman has no such pride which really feels like something she might say in the poem. Going back to Tancredi, because he is nice, he allows a groups of Muslim (?) merchants to spend the night in their camp under his protection. Among the merchants is Clorinda, in incognito, who Erminia calls the daughter of King of Persia (No???). She and Tancred banter a little with the usual "This is no place for a woman" "I'm used to danger" schtik. Obviously everyone involved is snow-white but whatever, its the fifties

- "You should not trouble your pretty head with matters of war" and then he asks her out to dinner... Tancredi... It turns out Clorinda actually wanted this to get the battle plans, which is...weird bc why would you send the famous warrior literally everyone knows to spy? But she says only Erminia will recognize her and she won't snitch... cut to Erminia snitching. Slander, bc Erminia takes seven years to make any decision and she and Clorinda are bros but fine I guess. At least she asks him not to harm her. Also Tancredi has a tiger skin hung in his tent which miiiiight be foreshadowing but I'm sure Clorinda will not get to wear her awesome tiger helmet so whatevs. The costumes are pretty nice tbh, I love Erminia's dress. Less Tancredi's sparkly emerald green doublet but eh.

- The dinner date is HORRIFYING Movie Tancredi: "A woman with your elegance is wasted in battle. You were born to help man live not to let them die" Poem Tancred: *sees Clorinda* "We don't have to fight here is my chest for you stab you I'm glad to die if it's you my heart is already yours take it out would you like me to take my plate off so it's easier baby I'm all' yours"

- "It was not my choice to be the only child of the King of Persia but I have my duties" HELLO???? "Your words are strange for a soldier" "What, because I have the needs of a man?" AAAAAAAH The two dumbasses remember that if they meet again it will be in war and there is a brief pissing contest where he slashes stuff open and she throws knives around, which is a welcome reprieve.

- Random guy: "We were waiting for your arrival to give the final assault" Tancredi: "Don't be overconfident, my arrival won't make it any easier" Away from Clorinda he sounds vaguely more like himself. Though they are equally good Rinaldo is the action hero, not Tancred and that is important. Passing on the Christian side, Clorinda looks way better in armor and badass red cloak than in a dress, though still no tiger imagery to be seen, Olindo and Sofronia look like they're out a terrible R&J movie, Clorinda proposes to trade them for Erminia (who is here the king's niece) which is a concept the learnt from Tancredi apparently bc no one else knows how war works.

- We meet Argante. He's bald and a dick but has an interesting moustache. He and Clorinda have a chat. Clorinda: "I'm sure you would kill and woman in your captivity who denied you her favors". Because that's you talk about your best friends. Argante: "You refused to marry me and I didn't kill you." Yup. I would like to say "Ugh, the fifties." But frankly what I really must say is "Where has all the willingness to let men and women be purely platonic close friends gone in the last 4 centuries" because it's not like it's any better now. Pity because their relationship in the poem was so lovely. OH WAIT no so Clorinda is BETHROTHED to Argante by her father, the king of Persia, who is a person that exists and raised Clorinda, his actual daughter, alright, but the marriage will only be valid if celebrated on free land, so he will have to wait until Jerusalem is, uh, delivered. Argante then says something about if she leave him for another man it will be trouble -FORESHADOWING

- Tancredi: "You can return to your people! Aren't you happy?!" Erminia: *sobs*. Cut to her, who famously is an oversensitive, tormented shy nerd who understandably is conflicted about her feelings and keeps everything to herself, babbling everything to Clorinda, saying he would have been hers had Clorinda not come along. Clorinda is not amused. Then an harem dancer with a terrible accent announces Argante. We can see, unlike Tancredi, Argante is a dick because, unlike Tancredi, he is glad Clorinda is a worthy fighter and considers her an equal. Also because he's the only visibly darkskinned person despite being probably the one with less reason, being from *googles* the Northern Dead Sea area. Also Clorinda "I didn't get enough melee fighting today, must compensate with arson" is """"tired of fighting"""". Yeah. Poem Argante: No, no, thy fellow have I been in arms/And will be still, in praise, in death, in harms Movie Argante: "If you don't love me its the same thing as if you despised me He also suspects Clorinda might fancy a Christian, but changes the subject and proposes a plan to kill Rinaldo. Meanwhile Rinaldo, who is Tancredi's best bro and absolutely not a reckless teenage nuisance, is bantering with the aforementioned as a messanger announces Argante's attack. Battle scene. Irrelevant stuff happens, they do NOT kill Rinaldo, but Tancredi and Clorinda (who now wears a badass leopard skin tunic) meet. He disarms her way too easily and asks her to promise he'll leave fighting to the warriors and stop endangering herself. She tries to set him up with Erminia to get rid of him, no use. He keeps insisting on his love, she demures, they kiss, she goes away but he said he won't give up on her.

- They celebrate a funeral for some dude named, I shit you not, Dudone and Rinaldo swears revenge. This person was killed by Argante with a blue steel sword taken from a murdered Christian and a big deal is made of it but it's absolutely not, to my memory, in the poem so?? Rinaldo and Goffredo fight because Goffredo is not enough of a dumb reckless bitch, apparently. Cut to Argante shit talking Rinaldo. My boy never disappoints. The king (I know this is not a dumb movie thing but I can't bear to call him Aladin) proposes to use Armida, witch slash seductress in hot flowy sleeves, to sow discord. Argante says women in war are only useful if they know how to fight like Clorinda. Armida has a surprisingly feminist speech affirming the contrary. Clorinda, who was introduced to us as an undercover spy, says it would be unfair to use such deceitful means, the king says Armida is not a warrior and she's not honest (rude) so no other way, she goes

- Armida, all in virginal white but tiddies out, goes to Rinaldo who is disputing with Gernando who will take Dudone"s army. "Your great generosity is known even to us" EHM.... She gives a slightly different story but to the same effect, that she turned Christian so now Aladin is persecuting her native town of Damascus and the Crusaders have to help them. Rinaldo compelled by chivalry and the power of pussy accepts but no one listens to him. I can't understand if Tancredi is present or not because all the dudes look alike to me. I can set apart Rinaldo just because he is dressed in white to emphasize his nonexistent youth. More drama goes on, Rinaldo kills Gernando way too ungruesomely, but he will be mourned because he had style. We lose Tancredi trying to Relate To The Youth providing Rinaldo with unsolicited advice, instead he just advises him to run away.

- Clorinda talks to Erminia and says she doesn't want to fight because the enemy is too virtuous and generous... again? This is really not how it goes, neither of the too really gets a lesson about peace from falling in love. This is not Romeo and Juliet, it's not a completely senseless feud, it is a war that by Tasso's point of view being a guy in a religious crisis writing during the counter-reform, needs to be fought and, on both sides, is virtuous. That's why the love is tragic and doomed. But whatevs. Someone snitches about her feelings at Argante, Argante snitches at Aladin and requests to fight Tancredi in single combat. The duel is boring and they both fight dirty in an out of character fashion. I changed my mind about Erminia, she's so fucking bratty and horribly butchered. Then she gets her illumination (obviously no monologuing about her femininety and powerlessness bc why valorize the nice moment of real empathy and sensitivity from a male author) puts on Clorinda's armor and goes to look for Tancred. She's chased away, Tancred goes to look for her, he finds out about Armida's trap. Things go a bit different for Erminia than in the poem, instead of finding the shepherds she joins the Christian camp and then Piero, the priest, sends her to to the shepherds. Clorinda (horrifyingly) gives Tancredi information to find Rinaldo so he goes away telling no one. The discussion with Argante re: postponing the duel happens and Raymond, bless the old man, is appropriately badass. Argante botches the treaty and the king insults him, though in the poem he was like this kindly old man who kept hugging the warriors in inappropriate moments

- Cut to Armida's palace with beautiful visuals, horrifyingly skinny harem dancers and HUGE dubcon undertones by Armida to Rinaldo but I still like her, though any real magic and wonder is completely stripped from the whole situation. Tbh I'm not invested in this plotline enough to bitch much.Tancredi sneaks in and lasts in his disguise about three seconds before starting murdering people. I might start spiteshipping him with Rinaldo, so much I dislike the situation with Clorinda. Armida hits on Rinaldo once more then lets them go.

- Clorinda: "You forget they are fighting for a cause they are dedicated to and would die for their leader without hesitation" again... so would the Muslims it's kind of the point... She and Argante have a little sweet conversation that contrasts horribly with the rest of their relationship, but her feelings are like... general presentment of dying, no thirst of glory, desire of doing more, feeling of inadequacy and everything else. Also it's HIS idea to destroy the siege tower which Ugh. I'm frankly gonna skip the siege until the duel now. It's clear that we are going to miss Erminia's time with the shepherds, the reveal about Clorinda's identity and tbh all' her beautiful relationship with her adoptive father, so che changes faith just because cute crusader is cute I guess and based on the time remaining, nothing of Tancredi's complete, poetic, heartwrenching mental breakdown either. Nice. The duel is in a nice location but all fucked up, it's not wild and energetic at all, no simbolism of it lasting dusk to dawn, none of all the raw dialogue, not even "What do you bring" "War and death" "Death and war you will have of you pray for them", no Clorinda refusing to reveal her name and claim her glory to reveal how her priorities have shifted, Tancredi recognizes Clorinda as soon as she falls so no moment where he thinks she's just some random guy but he still is moved to tears from her desire to convert and is willing to forgive her (which is imho what led Clorinda to fall in love with him). They exchange a few words but no hand holding in sign of peace which I guess wasnt necessary when it’s not the only tragic, bittersweet touch they’ll ever exchange but still :( and overall I just feel nothing. At least they don't kiss. Also I feel like there is something very compelling about Tancredi shutting in and saying nothing for the whole scene and it's lost here. Also he can't push everything inside and then let it out when Clorinda dies bc when Clorinda dies Argante comes and they duel right here so we also lose the BADASS scene of eberyone mourning Clorinda and him swearing revenge. One bright note is we get to see Tancredi dramatically fainting as he is famous for at least once, but it's from Argante's wounds, not Clorinda's, which is meh. Then Erminia finds him and there's some sort of victory celebration where Erminia and Tancredi are implied to be getting together. Yay. What the fuck happened to the Armida plotline?? Well, no matter. This is over, we have learned that being clingy and selfish but traditionally feminine gets you the man, and everyone is happy

#Jerusalem Delivered #the mighty crusaders #found in the drafts and feel like I should put it out at this point #gonna maybe out a read more when I'm on PC

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