#Eric was actually the most valid character since he beat the shit out of him

[levelonemagikarp]

I’ve seen so many people say Saw X had them rooting for John but honestly it just made me hate him more, like all the victims who died tried so hard to survive and he kept doing his annoying ‘they choose to die sucks to not have willpower like me’ as if the time limit they were under wasn’t ridiculous. Also the group was evil sure but like let’s not pretend him and his apprentices aren’t all just as fucked up. Granted I probably would’ve felt more hatred towards them if it wasn’t John we saw them target, no matter how sad and pathetic he looks I physically cannot feel bad for him

[jade-island-lives]

My Rainbow Soul: A Journey To Just Being Me (My Coming Out)

This has been in the back of my mind for such a long time. Seeing as it’s Pride Month, I thought that maybe I should talk about how I came out, my process with accepting who I was, and hopefully give people hope that things will get better.

Now, I won’t be using names or anything. But I will be talking about a lot of things. Lots of negative things such as abuse and anxiety. If you have a problem with this. Don’t read. I’ll be cutting it off here.

Ready? Okay.

Now, I grew up a small town that was pretty conservative. We lived where coyotes, rats, mice, skunks, and raccoons were a problem. A place where you could fish, hunt, and farm. Everyone knew everybody, and there was a real sense of community. 

I actually grew up pretty normal. I loved the Disney Princesses, Barbie, and even had a dollhouse. I had an obsession with two things however, mermaids and wolves. I LOVED those things to death. The story of Balto and how he delivered antitoxin to Nome Alaska was incredible, and I collected stuffed dogs to pretend I had a race team. And I had a love for all things ocean. I had mermaid dolls, sea shells, I collected sand dollars. It was a nice time. I also read a lot, and I drew a lot. 

Yeah, everything was normal. I played with my dolls and created worlds in my head. But looking back on it, I was a bit odd. I had a HUGE obsession over the Little Mermaid. Especially Ariel.

Every girl liked Eric. I liked Ariel. I dunno why, I just found her interesting. I wanted to be a mermaid like her and live with her under the sea.

In hindsight, that should have been the first clue

I didn’t even know the LGBT+ community existed until I was 12, (by that time I had dropped all things girly and gained a sense of tomboyishness because it just felt right and I loved all the boyish things other girls my age didn’t fuss over) and the way I found out was less than ideal. 

No worries, my family was, is, and always will be supportive of the LGBT+ community. But I found out about the community through, and this is going to be the dumbest thing ever. The Westboro Baptist Church.

You see, at that time I was on YouTube a lot. And when I was bored of watching the same Warrior Cat AMVs over and over (which was really rare) I would watch documentaries about strange things. Like mystery diagnosis stuff and serial killer things. (I swear, I was only a writer who needed ideas, still am.)  And one day in my recommended section was a documentary of The Worst Family in America. I thought “Oh how bad can they be?”

When I was done watching it, I was confused. Wait, two guys getting married? That’s a thing? And God doesn’t like that? Why? It’s not hurting anyone!”

Thankfully, my family shut that shit down, saying God made everyone for a reason and that he made no mistakes. I did more research on it, being my curious self, and found out that there was a whole community, that being gay wasn’t a choice, God made us as we were, all kinds of rainbows and love. Eventually, loving the LGBT+ community was everything, and I began to hate injustice towards those who couldn’t control who they were. 

I started getting inclusive in my writing then. Writing gay and lesbian characters, writing about Bi characters and Pans too. And even Trans and Aces. I started learning that there was a rainbow of sexuality and identity, and as we grow, we find a place among it.

Unfortunately for me, being a teen was a nightmare in so many ways. I had my friends, most of which were boys. And around that time, all the girls and guys started dating. I didn’t like guys in that way, never really did. And at the time I didn’t think about it. I was learning about my writing skill, I couldn’t be bothered. I was trying to figure out what I was good at.

But eventually, it caught up with me. 

People started asking if I was gay. And I always said no, but eventually. I found my first crush.

And it wasn’t a guy.

Every time I saw her, it was like butterflies. I could never think straight when she was around. I loved her.

And surprisingly, that scared me. 

I never really knew why until now. While I was and still am supportive of the LGBT community. I was well aware of the violence that came with it. The beatings, the discrimination, all of it. People have died because the world didn’t want to change. At the time, marriage wasn’t legal, and my life could be on the line in certain countries. 

In fear of the discrimination, I got in a relationship with a guy to keep suspicions off. I thought that maybe if I hid myself enough I would start to believe I wasn’t gay.

But the relationship was toxic. Emotionally manipulative and abusive. I don’t really want to go into it. For the longest time, I thought it was okay. If I could keep it up and make it work, eventually I would be happy. 

It was stupid. So stupid. To anyone out there, men, women, whatever. If someone forces you to do something you aren’t comfortable with, if you are AFRAID to be around them to the point where you walk on hot coals around them. If you are afraid of telling them something because of what you think they will say or do. Get out of it. Now. They don’t have to hit you to be abusive, women can do it too, and you deserve to feel loved and safe.

I broke free of it with the help of my friends, including my best friend in the entire world, but to this day I still feel terrible about it. How I lied, how I never spoke up, how I broke his heart. It makes me overlook all the times I felt pressure, all the times I was afraid to tell him how I felt. How I was afraid to be alone with him. 

I would be fearful of getting in any relationships. And because most of my friends were guys, of course rumors were spread. I always said that I wasn’t interested in anyone. And I wasn’t. 

I don’t remember struggling with my sexuality too much in my junior or senior year. Mostly because I was struggling with my mental health and I just remember nothing but sadness. A black fog over me that I let consume every bit of me until I was nothing but a shell that just appeared and disappeared. But it was there I remember. Crushes and hiding them, reminding myself that the world would not accept me.

Until the morning Same Sex Marriage was legal in the US.

I still remember the rainbow flags all over Facebook. The videos of couples crying, Obama speaking. I remember just tears, curling up on my couch sobbing with tears of joy. 

I remember thinking, “I can get married now. It's accepted. It’s okay.”

But there were still issues, there always will be. And I almost fell straight back into the closet. 

Eventually I was tired of people asking me if I was straight or gay, and so I just said I was Bi. I...felt it was safer. I don’t know why. 

For the record, I’m sorry I hid behind Bisexuality. It’s a misconception that Bi people are just gay people closeted or straight people experimenting. Bisexuality is a real sexuality and it needs to be respected as such no matter the relationship. 

I used Bisexuality because I wanted people to think I could still date guys and I wouldn’t be discriminated against. But I wasn’t Bi, I was gay. And I knew it. Please don’t think my experience is the same for everyone. Bisexuality is a real sexuality, a real feeling that people have. And it’s valid whether you are dating a man or a woman. 

At some point, something broke in me. I was tired of fighting it. I don’t remember the reason. Maybe it was my therapist telling me to be honest, the headache of living a lie, somehow I realized I that I was done not being me. And so...

I came out to my best friend by text. Tears in my eyes. I was met with overwhelming love and support. He told his family and I was met with so much love that way.

And then I told my family...who already KNEW. They had known since I was 12 and loved me no matter what. It was the sweetest thing, and I wish more than anything that I could go back and tell my past self that it would all be okay, to not care what other people think of me.

And if there is anything you can learn from this, it’s this. 

You may be afraid to come out or you can’t. And that’s okay. You don’t have to come out for anyone other than yourself. There’s no set time on accepting who you are. For some, it takes their entire lives. You may think you’re one thing, but then you discover you’re something else, that’s okay too. 

As I’ve always said, sexuality and identity are a rainbow, and a tricky one. But you will find your way. And no matter what, whether you are still in the closet or people don’t think your sexuality is real, you are valid, you are loved, and it does get better. And you CERTAINLY are welcome this Pride Month. <3 

It got better for me, and now I wear my rainbow heart proudly for everyone to see. So I may never hide in that nasty closet again.