#Epel refuses to admit he has one but his grandma made him one when he was little

[spoohie]

I found a stuffed toy for Vil.

Look at this shit. It’s a potato. Someone get his credit card; he needs it whether he knows it or not:

Epel: Ah don’t give a darn tootin’ about this goshdarned hair routine!

Vil: *chucks the potato stuffy at him*

Rook: Roi du Poison! My discerning eye has caught that you’ve gained an ounce-

Vil: *chucks the potato stuffy at him*

Neige: *exists*

Vil: *accidentally throws potato stuffy with force to kill*

[twistsandturnsroundwonderland]

There’s an urgent knocking at Ramshackle’s front door, and it only grows more urgent as you and Grim play rock, paper, scissors to determine who has to go deal with whatever mess is waiting outside. As if the one knocking senses your trepidation and is having none of it, the banging becomes loud enough to drown out even Grim’s gloating as you approach.

With desperation on his face and a surprising proposition for you, who do you see at the door but-

Or, reasons why they’d ask you to fake date/fake get engaged/fake get married:

(Gender neutral reader)

Heartslabyul

Riddle Rosehearts

His mom really is trying to control his life down to the last detail, and Riddle wants no part of any marriage she’s arranging. But he needs some romantic backup to convince her to back off his love life, so please please please help him, he might even let you break a rule or two for this.

Ace Trappola

Ace made a bet that if you two dated you’d make it past the six month mark, sheepishly admitting he hadn’t considered he’d need your help for this. He’s thrilled when you’re on board with the lovey-dovey act, ‘cause wow you’re convincing everyone, maybe even him…

Deuce Spade

Deuce accidentally told his mom that he’s dating someone- no, he doesn’t know how, but please, you’re the only person who can and will help him, and he can’t make his mom cry.

Cater Diamond

As ever, Cater’s motivation is Magicam-related. There’s a contest for cutest couple, and you’re too caught up in the realization that Cater said you’re cute to even ask what the prize is.

Trey Clover

This man is too sensible for typical fake dating shenanigans so I’m going to break the fourth wall and say he doesn’t get the top secret family recipes from grandma until he gets engaged; do it for the baked goods!! Just don’t add oyster sauce!!

Savanaclaw

Leona Kingscholar

Leona’s family has been annoying him to get engaged, and in a fit of frustration (Cheka was yelling right in his ear), he told them he already was. Of course he’s going to ask one of the few people here he can actually tolerate to fake being his betrothed.

Jack Howl

Jack is another pragmatic one and very serious about relationships to boot- but perhaps Jack made a bet with Ace that he could actually date someone without falling in love with them… oops.

Ruggie Bucchi

At least at first, it’s all business: couples’ discounts, double coupons, the wedding registry- think of the wedding registry, prefect! Right up until he remembers you don’t get to keep the gifts if you don’t get married. But there are worse things than staying married, right?

Octavinelle

Azul Ashengrotto

After a great deal of consideration and thought about his future and who it would be most advantageous to spend it with, Azul has produced a marriage contract- okay, fine- it’s the tax benefits.

Jade Leech

Tax fraud. He’ll be quite frankly astonished if you need more explanation than that.

Floyd Leech

Okay so Floyd got bored- what do you mean that isn’t enough of a reason, being around Shrimpy is always fun, and he’s BORED, weren’t you listening?

Scarabia

Kalim Al Asim

His family has started forwarding all of the mail from oh so eligible suitors (checked for poison first of course), and it’s starting to take up too much space in Scarabia, so could you please help him, prefect? 🥺

Jamil Viper

Kalim is refusing to pick someone to marry unless Jamil has a partner he loves too. So as much as this pains him, given all ten things he hates about you, all of the suitor mail has flooded the Scarabia kitchen and lounge… and he thought he saw a bug hiding in there.

Pomefiore

Vil Schoenheit

Our perpetually typecast villain hero has decided that one way to change the narrative is to become one half of a perfect couple. And since casting the role of Twisted Wonderland’s sweetheart within the confines of Night Raven College is no mean feat, he’s found himself at the doorstep of the one person capable.

Epel Felmier

Epel mentioned a lab partner on a phone call with his very excited parents only to realize at the end of the call that he hadn’t said the word “lab.” So now they’re clamoring for him to visit home with his partner, so could ya do him a favor and come out to Harveston with him, eh?

Rook Hunt

You’d mentioned how convincing Rook had been in his love poems for Eliza, so the hunter turns around and professes his own love for you in verse… wait, is he making this up on the fly or not? Somehow you think this one is real.

Ignihyde

Idia Shroud

Scarred by his experience with one (1) phantom bride, Idia has decided the best solution is… well, to never leave his room again. But on the occasion he does, it pays to have a fake partner with an equally fake engagement ring on their finger. Now if only he can figure out why his hair turns pink when he talks to you.

Diasomnia

Malleus Draconia

Human-fae politics aren’t typically on your radar, but they sure are after Malleus explains that a political marriage between the future king of Briar Valley and a human would… help to smooth things over. And given that there are a grand total of two humans who aren’t afraid of him, and one of them is Silver… yes, the emerald the size of your face is an engagement present, will you accept?

Sebek Zigvolt

If Malleus must consider marrying a human for peace, then Sebek will unquestioningly follow in the young master’s footsteps. This just means you are the most acceptable human here, human! Nothing more! Now please hold his hand.

Silver

Silver’s proposal, genuine or not, is downright princely… up until he falls asleep in the middle of it. Oh, his motivation? Well, you started out with no family or history here, and he understands that, and how lonely it must be. Consider this one way to ensure Diasomnia will adopt you.

Lilia Vanrouge

To be honest, you barely follow Lilia’s convoluted scheme as he explains it, and you’re not sure how much is scheme and how much is actual interest in you. After enjoying the confusion for a day or two, Lilia clarifies that yes, he does like you. But will you still crash a fancy party with him? He really does need a date to distract the host while he steals an ancient sword or six after all.