#Emotion Emotional Friendship Judgement Alcoholism Breakdown Release

[jrmcwilliam]

Emotional Releasing - Less of a how-to, more of a hope-to.

At some point, I never thought that 4 in the afternoon was ever going to end. A rush of anxiety and stresses run through my blood as I stare over my mountain of bills and shot glasses. I don’t even know what to do with them, “Do I touch them? Do I organize them? Do I pay them? Do I drink them?” But I don’t have any money. I know that.

Getting fired wasn’t the easiest part of my life, by any means. I didn’t know I was going to be moving onto the path to following my dreams. Following them into a place where I truly believe that I can be a part of them. That I can do this all on my own. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t ready at all. I barely, even now, know what my dreams look like. (And not the dreams I have at night, but the dreams that I have to be a writer, a self-sustainable, successful person.)

What I’ve learned most from this experience is that I am so done working for people. I am going to have to figure out how to make my own money and secure my own life in my own hands. It’s amazing what you see in yourself when you are left stranded and fighting for a chance to get back up. I’ve learned so many things about myself it’s like I’m a completely different person – though I have thought that maybe I’m just starting to see myself the way that others do. Which can be a good thing - and a bad thing.

I wrote this three years ago:

“I look around my house and wonder what it would be like if I didn’t live here anymore. I’ve been doing so well with keeping it afloat that now that I can’t, (or so I think), seem to get back on my feet, it’s a task that I might not be meant for at this time. It might just not be my time. Still. And that’s just going to have to be okay with me. 

I look at my car, the car I’ve been working so hard to keep, and I see the possibility of it being towed away into a rental car wasteland and destroyed alongside my loan and my credit. Nice. I’m going to try to keep that from happening though. I think I’m doing my best. I think.”

Three years have passed since I wrote that. I did lose everything mentioned in that piece. I lost it all. But what I did get was Chase. He stood by me through everything. He helped more than money ever could. He made me believe in love again - and not in just a romcom way - in a way that love is more valuable than gold.  I lost everything. But I gained everything. 5 PM has been my personal time. My safe time. My happy hour. Being from a line of alcoholics, I find it important that I keep on top of my substance abuse. So I won’t drink until after 5, which when given the opportunity to have a beer in the afternoon, is sometimes fairly difficult. The most important part of this 5 o’clock drink is that I get to sit in silence for a whole hour, uninterrupted, nothing that needs to be done (unless I truly want to), and no one is around to judge me for it. I spend that hour doing whatever it is my heart needs me to do and sometimes it turns out to be absolutely fucking nothing. I limit myself to drinking 2. It’s 2 maximum. Then I am allowed to start drinking again when I am having dinner or after I’ve already had it. Solid monitoring. I think. This is how I’ve been able to manage my anxiety and also loosen up. Yoga helps too but who wants to do yoga throughout the entire evening!?

Sometimes, the only thing that I want to do is turn everything off, computer and TV and Tablet and Phone and everything else that stimulates my entire brain – then just sit back, crack the beer, smoke a cigarette – be one with myself. It’s quiet, it’s unexpected, it’s glorious.

But – When I am going through something, I always tend to make the schedule change to suit my needs. Like when I got fired, I had drinks at 11 in the fucking morning. Then smoked a bowl. Then smoked six cigarettes. Not a pretty sight. But I can’t be the only one who does this when something fucked up happens. I know I’m not alone in that and I have to remind myself of that every time I have a breakdown. I am not alone in this. Then sometimes I sleep from the afternoon to the evening and stay awake until 4 in the morning watching movies that I’ve already watched a thousand times. Sad. I know – Then get so drunk that I start to explain myself to my stuffed dog, Freddy because I’m positive that he judges me sometimes. I’m so sure of it it’s solid. I convince myself that he has a soul. Yes – “That Guy” drunk. Not my finest hours.

I have ripped my house apart in really intense moments of weakness where I feel all of my emotions at the exact same time and it’s a really scary moment for anyone to go through – Because when I’m done being angry, I clean until I feel better. But it happens. I just lose complete ability to focus my emotions into manageable categories and organize them by priority – but not easy when all you wanna do is scream and swear and throw things.

I talked to a friend today - and it really helped me start to understand better why I react to things the way that I do.

Though my friend doesn’t react the same way I do, she reacts to the same things I do, poorly, in her own way - as I do. And it got me thinking - who can judge anyone for their seemingly uncontrollable reactions to life's seemingly uncontrollable curve balls, ultimately resulting in an uncontrollable emotion? Even those that are good at controlling their emotions lose it every now and then. It’s all a matter of what tips you right off that high ledge of patience and limitations.

I react to things the way that I do...because I do. I don’t have a reason and it isn’t an excuse - at least not an intentional excuse. To me, now, it just seems that it is what it is.

Have you ever had someone say to you, “you need to calm down.” And in your head, you’re like, “No!” That’s because telling someone to be calm when they are clearly not calm is like the least helpful thing you can say to someone in the moment. How about letting them get it all out in an unorganized rant? In history, the only way to get people to “calm down” is to allow them to feel what they are feeling and then move on - calmly.

Back to my friend.  I don’t have many friends. That is a choice I have made. Though, to be honest, once it is clear to most people that you aren’t a “friend” kind of person, less people want to be your friend. I pat myself on the back frequently for my success.  But every now and then, you find a gem in the rough. That gem being - someone you can actually enjoy spending time with without having to look at the time every 5 minutes and wish the interaction was over. I feel like if you meet people you actually enjoy spending time with, they can be considered a friend. Let’s be real, we don’t have an abundance of time on this planet in our short little lives - your time is valuable. Use it on things that bring you joy. My friend is reacting to things in her life that I’m not even fully aware of. It doesn’t matter too much if we know the details - the fact is - the details are none of our business. The fact is - she is going through something - and all we can do as the outsiders is to be there to listen if and when she is damn well ready to speak her truth. I’m not overly worried about her hurting herself. If I was, I would be much more assertive and break the laws of “what my business is” and make her spill the beans. All I need to know is that she is okay - she’s going through a rough time - and she may need a friend at some point when she is ready to release! Knowing this - I will totally be there. Also! (And this is back to that valuable friend thing - which usually operates symbiotically, I’ve heard,) Is that I could use a friend too. Why? Because I feel my life is in shambles. Same with my friend. What timing!  (We have to learn to laugh at our short-comings or else we will die young - in a horrible way. Scary? Good. Now laugh at your short-comings. Now!)

The best part about the relationship you have with this said friend, of which you share life events, is that there is no judgment between the two of you. 

Yes, judgment is as uncontrollable as the weather, but the point is not to use that judgment against anybody. It is still true to say, “You choose how hurt you feel by others words. They are only words - their words. It is not up to you how other people feel about you.” The truth from a true friend can go a long way. Even if you don’t want to hear it. You probably need it. Sometimes we aren’t always right about ourselves. So, to have a confidant that will listen to you, not listen to you, give you advice, not give you advice - whatever you need - is extremely valuable...and for the most part - rare.

So when it comes to dealing with your emotions, do you think you handle them properly all the time? There is a good person inside of you, which is why, when something bad happens, you are immediately emotional - if not, there is clearly a different issue. But usually, you react to things you generally feel strongly about. So react! Go ahead! But don’t forget to talk to the person you know won’t judge you - they will be there for you - but be prepared to listen to feedback and work on change. We can’t just walk around having an emotional breakdown every 5 minutes. Right? That doesn’t sound like an enjoyable way to spend your precious, valuable time. Now...what to change...what to change... I’mma go ask my friend. Tomorrow, it’s now 5:08. I am late for my date with myself. 

JR McWilliam

*- The images used in this post are not my own. I found them on a photo shopping binge on google. They are beautiful and relevant to my story. Enjoy them! (Except the one of the hand poored beer in a pub. I took that photo.)