#Elskel

[ant1quarian]

Massacre in the Bad Sanses instead of Dust?

Warnings: Uh, Eldritch Skeletons. Meaning violence is mentioned. Also it’s the Bad Sanses so y’know.

MASSACRE AND DUST GET SWAPPED 

(Massacre’s P.O.V)

Silence enveloped the room as Dust was abruptly tugged from his spot on the floor, leaving a far taller, more dangerous-looking skeleton in his wake. Massacre, standing to his full 6’11 height, stares at the rest of the “Vanilla” Bad Sanses through the thick black shadows that completely shroud his face. He seems… annoyed.

Welp. Crap. This is really bad.

Usually, during one of Massacres LV spikes, he has Ephialtes (His version of Nightmare) to knock him out before he goes AU-hopping and, well, massacres a bunch of people.

But lets say that they had a mission that day and Massacre had to come around.

The Star Sanses did not stand a chance. 

Y’see, any version of Horrortale Sans has a particular place in Massacres dead, cold, hard, fractured soul. 

So imagine Axe being in close-conflict with Blue and he’s on the losing side and then this tank of a fucker comes in and literally bodily tosses Blue into the nearest surface- making sure he’s out of action- before falling back once more.

Other than that, Massacre walks around the castle a lot, noting the differences and similarities- basically just getting a proper layout of the place so that he can finally chillax.

Definitely gets bugged by Killer almost constantly.

After a bit, Massacre asks Killer if he has cats. When Killer confirms this- with a whole lot of teasing- Massacre immediately goes to find them.

Later Nightmare goes looking for Massacre to see him buried beneath Killer’s cats– which really love him for some odd reason.

From that point onwards, he’s constantly got a cat on his person- and that’s purely because the cats want to be sitting on him.

Sometimes he’ll just sit in Axe’s presence- or stand silently behind him. Massacre, although tall, isn’t necessarily as broad as you’d expect. He’s more lean, but it’s clear he’s powerful.

Despite this, he makes Axe look small.

Axe does eventually ask Massacre whats up with him and Massacre just looks at him for a few seconds before replying with a: “I feel like it.”

He’s secretly just protecting Axe because he made a pact with Hatchet– the Elskel version of Axe– to protect him at all costs. And at the time Hatchet had suffered a reasonably bad injury so he was still healing from that. Massacre still has the instincts to protect Axe while he can’t protect Hatchet.

… Axe just accepts it and moves on, but Killer doesn’t.

No, Killer teases the hell out of Massacre- questioning why he keeps guarding Axe despite Axe not needing any protection.

Massacre just doesn’t reply and continues doing what he’s doing.

When the end of the time comes, Massacre detaches the cats from him before nudging Axe companionably before leaving. 

All in all, Massacre didn’t kill a bunch of people and didn’t bother Nightmare in the least.

… And the Star Sanses have mad respect for Massacre now, lmao.

[the-real-elskel-blog]

Out @aspensnowmass a few months ago! Have you ever been as happy as @elskel____ in this picture? Double tap that pic if you think you’ve been this happy and if not let a little happiness in today and don’t forget to go outside. Happy Tuesday! Go eat some 🌮! . . . . . . #happy #gooutside #shredtilldead #shredtillyadead #snow #sendy #skiing🎿 #shredit #treatyaself #springskiing #gradients #talltee #zipuphoodie #beanies #elskel #pinkngreen #prettyinpink #pink #green #colorado #tacotuesday (at Aspen/Snowmass- Colorado, USA)

[grauline]

and a zombie for @coole11e elskel

[ant1quarian]

Massacre Art

(Note, this was based on the song: “Train Wreck” by James Arthur.)

Warnings: Uhh.. loneliness mentioned? Attonement for sins. He sorta thinks the universe is getting him back.

Nothing. There was nothing.

Just a pitch black expanse of nothingness.

An unnerving cold that Massacre never seemed to be able to shake.

...

He supposed he deserved this. After what he did? Who was he kidding.

This had to be the universe’s punishment for his sin

But he had been so, so desperate.

It had eaten away at him- dragging its claws through his soul over and over until it hollowed out and became an empty shell.

He used to be a good monster.

He used to be kind.

Used to care about people.

...

He would give anything to go back.

To escape the sense of dread that weighed him down.

But he’d made a very interesting discover in this void- suspended without any sense of direction.

He’d lost all hope. 

... but it turns out you can survive even when you HP hits the negatives.

[ant1quarian]

Massacre(Sans) x Reader Headcannons

Very rough sketch, so ignore the fact it’s crap. It’s just a concept sketch. ^

NOTE: MURDERTALE!Sans (or Dust) does not belong to me at ALL. Similarly, but not the same, Eldritch!MURDERTALE!Sans doesn’t belong COMPLETELY to me, as it is an AU of someone else's AU, but the character concept is mine.

WARNINGS: Mentions of blood/death, genocide, having a genocidal maniac as a boyfriend, weapons(?), dude’s got a sharp tail so I guess that counts? Also Angst, I think???

So, with that out of the way, incase you didn’t know, I’ve got “Eldritch” versions of the Sans’ and Papyrus’ AU’s… meaning that there’s a Eldritch version of every Sans and Papyrus I’ve come across, and every one I’ve made.

For more clarity on what, exactly, an Eldritch Skeleton is, there’s a post on my account that will tell you all about my little idea and its concepts.

Massacre, your datemate in this scenario, is the Eldritch version of Dust- or “Murder Sans”. So do enjoy.

- Okay, first off, this dude is EXTREMELY anti-social, and HIGHLY genocidal- even more so than the unEldritch version of him. 

- So how, in the ever-living shit, did this even happen in the first place?

- Anyway

- Starting with things that would be nice in this relationship…

- Well, he’s actually very kind. Not verbally- he doesn’t speak very often- but he’s always looking out for you. You’re his datemate, how can he not?

- Protective, yes, and this can be rather frustrating sometimes because he does, at times, tend to go overboard

- But for a dude who’s now immune to RESETS and has killed everyone he ever cared about just for peace of mind from the lil’ shit that slaughtered them all over and over, I’m actually shocked he hasn’t put you on complete house arrest.

- If he’s in this relationship with you, he is completely serious about it.

- Manz isn’t the type to fuck around. He’s straight-up, and is often viewed to be brutally honest. 

- He no longer cares about how anyone sees him, or how much really bad shit he’s done, he just takes it in his stride.

- Cocky at times, and proud underneath the hood that overshadows his entire face. He’s a Elskel (Eldritch Skeleton), it’s in their magic makeup.

- This being said, he sort of holds you on a pedestal, so he has no problems doing anything you ask at any given moment.

- … Within reason, of course.

- Now, onto the negative things you’ll have to deal with in the relationship- because lets be honest, no true relationship is completely without flaws.

- … When I said he was antisocial..? I actually meant that you should not, under any circumstances, force him to go out in a large crowd or even leave him alone for too long in a crowded place.

- I mean, unless you want to come back to a bunch of gorey shit and unrecognisable corpses everywhere because his instincts kicked in.

- HOWEVER, even if you do come back to that, he’ll literally just act like a guilty puppy. The sight of you coming back- his datemate, which he could not hurt IN THE SLIGHTEST (intentionally, that is) without feeling like he’s willingly tearing his soul (or, therefore, lack of) in two- and he’ll just rub the back of his skull with one of his undoubtedly blood-covered hands and grimace.

- Know that he loves you unconditionally, alright? He doesn’t usually say it- in fact, he doesn’t usually talk- but he really, really does.

- This being said, do not bring up Papyrus.

- For an explaination, y’know how Dust’s Papyrus encourages him to kill more?

- Well Massacre has gone so far that his Papyrus is literally deathly afraid of him.

- You will NOT catch this phantom in the same vicinity as Massacre, even though he has to be a certain distance away to even exist (because he runs off of Massacre’s magic).

- Although Massacre doesn’t mind explaining about his biology- how his void magic works ‘n all that stuff- he really doesn’t like bringing up his past in an in-depth sense.

- As passingly mentioned before, he doesn’t feel guilt for his actions- with his LV, he literally can’t. But he doesn’t like to think of it, because it reminds him of the little shit that he slaughtered hundreds of thousands of times over and over until they finally gave up. (It came to a point where the reset would literally just revive them and throw them back into their save area, but it wouldn’t return anything to life and it couldn’t change the code or the values of LV or EXP. Therefore, Massacre became fully resistant to ALL and ANY RESET used.)

- In other words, it makes him real pissed off, makes him miss Papyrus, and sharpens his instincts to a point where he becomes aloof for several days.

- Oh, and that leads us to our next thing.

- When you guys argue, expect the silent treatment. I mean, he’s usually real quiet ‘n shit, but broseph will straight up just ignore you.

- He knows it’s bad, but for the love of fuck he can’t let his pride and stubbornness go for the life of him.

- So unless you initiate it- or he sees you crying about it (In which all of his sins will begin to crawl on his back…) don’t expect him to apologise.

- There are exceptions to this- like if he realises he was in the wrong (but, like, really in the wrong)- then he will.

- Similarly, if some skeleton or monster brings it to his attention that he’s just being fucking stupid- specifically his younger(?), less-genocidal counterpart, Dust- then he will apologise.

- When he apologises, it’s a spur of the moment thing, but it’s always when you two are alone. And he will apologise for every single small thing he realised he was being petty and prideful about, down to the very last miniscule detail (Like stealing a chip from a bag of your favourite chips you were eating, for example). 

- Generally, it’d go something like this:

It had been at least a week since your argument with Massacre, and it had been at least a week since he’d decided he was going to completely ignore your existence.

Let’s just say, you never knew how much of a stubborn, prideful, tall shit your ever-loving, mass-genocidal datemate could be.

You were tired of it, but you, too, were stubborn. Far too stubborn to walk up to him and force him to apologise for being overreactive about going out with your friends that one night and staying out a couple hours later than when you said you’d get home.

You grimaced lightly, remembering the severely pissed off look he’d had in his eyes when he’d come to get you from where you guys were hanging out.

Considering the crowd, you were shocked that he’d even gone through with it without even murdering someone… or at least you were somewhat sure that he hadn’t.

Massacre was very easily capable of stealthily killing someone. So you could never be completely sure.

Shadows covered the large majority of the messy room you were in, moonlight streaming through the windows, catching on the soft grey curtains. On most of the flat, unused surfaces lay a fine layer of dust. Neither you or Massacre got caught up in a cleaning spree strong enough to get rid of it.

Faintly, you remember walking into the room to see him staring silently at the dust. Must have reminded him of something in his past.

Shifting on the comfortable, plush blankets underneath you, you took in a deep breath, feeling a weird mixture of irritation and comfort run throughout your system.

Massacre's scent clinged strongly to many things he came in contact with- even more so than any regular Elskel or Skeleton. An unusual metallic smell mixed with a hint of dampness and woodsmoke.

A presence not far behind you made you slowly roll over, only to see the all-too-familiar silhouette of your datemate leaning against the doorframe, both his arms crossed as his deadly-sharp tail shifted slightly from where it was loosely wrapped around his leg.

A heavy silence hung in the air like thick, black smoke. You stared emptily at Massacre, waiting for him to speak. His eyelights studied your face, the unusual but pretty contrast of blue against red catching your eye like they always did. Finally, a gentle sigh was pulled from his throat before he cleared it- how so, you’d asked once, considering it was bone. His answer had simply been “magic.”- and spoke. When he did, his voice was slightly rough and edged from underuse. Despite this, it managed to be that comforting baritone that you’d come to love.

“‘M sorry,” Massacre muttered, staring down at the paper in his hands which had a list of all of the things he’d done that was stupid, “I’m sorry for takin’ you away from your time with your friends ‘cause you didn’t come home when y’ said ya would. ‘M sorry for killin’ that dude the other week ‘cause of the way he was lookin’ at ya. ‘M sorry for acting out rashly without thought. ‘M sorry I’ve been gone so much ‘cause I've been busy a bunch lately. ‘M sorry I ate the bit of your favourite food the other week ‘cause I was too lazy to go grocery shopping ‘r to order from UT’s Grillby-”

He stopped, his eyelights abruptly shooting up to your smiling form when you cleared your throat. Both of your eyebrows were raised, a smirk ever present on your face. He knew you found this part of the apology adorable, and the very thought of you finding him- Dust’s far more genocidal, far more dangerous counterpart- adorable sent a fuzzy feeling alight in his SOUL and a purple, glowing blush to his cheekbones.

Suddenly, Massacre found the hardwood underfoot very interesting.

“You’re alright. Wish you’d apologise sooner, though,” You smiled at him, both arms spread as you invited him for cuddles, “And I was in the wrong this time, I should have at least messaged you to tell you that I was going to stay with them later. Though, you really have to stop with this whole ‘Ignoring-you-now’ thing. It gets tiring.”

Massacre hesitated for a moment before walking over to the bed, flicking the door closed behind him with his tail, before flopping onto your shared bed and placing his chin atop your head as he wrapped you up in a hug, “‘M sorry. I’ll try not to.”

You brushed the dust off of his turtleneck before it could go up your nose with a little chuckle, “It’s alright. Can we just sleep now, please?”

Massacre could not have been more happy to comply, the surprising weight of his arm around you comforting the both of you. Minutes before you fell into your own sleep, you could hear the soft, deep snores coming from him, gently rattling his ribcage.

With a final smile, you let sleep have you, giving into that heavy feeling that readily consumed your body.

- Yeah anyway, just a thought. (P.S, that was NOT meant to be that long.)

- ANYWAY

- Another negative- or positive, if you have insomnia or any sort of trouble sleeping- is the fact that, how his Void magic works, is that it consumes the magic of other sources around him, right?

- Which means, effectively, that his soul feeds off of yours. This often ends in you being quite tired after an hour or so of straight physical contact.

- This being said, once you two SOULBOND? There’ll be enough magic in between the both of you that having loads of physical contact with him doesn’t tire either of you out unless both of you want it to happen. (In other words, it becomes like a switch. You could turn it on or off.)

- Yeah, I think that’s about it.

Have fun with your new skeleboy! (Or Elskeboy? Dunno man. You choose)

[ant1quarian]

I bring to you: Xans.

Also known as: Eldritch Skeleton!Cross!Sans

ORIGINAL CROSS SANS BELONGS TO: JACKEI95! This is an Au of an Au.

[ant1quarian]

Bad Sanses Incorrect Quotes - Eldritch Sanses addition

Woo boy there’s a lot of these. I want to thank the Incorrect Quote generator that I found for this and the person that made it. You did a thing.

Nightmare = Ephialtes

Dust = Massacre

Killer = Slaughter

Cross = Xans

Axe (HT!Sans) = Hatchet

Blueberry = Indigo (Yes, Eldritch Blueberry- or Indigo- is officially part of the Bad Sanses. Because his character as an Elskel works better with them)

---

Ephialtes: Alright, which one of us is gonna check outside? Massacre: Not it! Slaughter: Not it! Ephialtes: ...Neither one of you are as dumb as you lead on to be.

---

Hatchet: You know what? Hatchet: When I join this friend group I thought we’d be off causing havoc and chaos. *Ephialtes, Slaughter and Massacre continue screaming about mold water* Hatchet: Not this shit. Xans: I dunno, sounds like you need to drink the mold water.

---

Massacre: Hatchet's first detention, I'm so proud. Slaughter: Whoa, back up. Why did they get detention? Ephialtes: Because they're an idiot. Xans, terrified: They can do that??

---

Xans: Where’s Ephialtes? Massacre: Doing stuff. Xans: I don’t like the sound of that. Where’s Slaughter? Massacre: Trying to stop Ephialtes from doing the stuff. Xans: And Hatchet? Massacre: Trying to stop Slaughter from stopping Ephialtes from doing the stuff. Xans: I see. And what are you doing here, Massacre? Massacre: I’m supposed to stop you from stopping Hatchet from stopping Slaughter from stopping Ephialtes from doing the stuff.

---

Ephialtes: You’re a loose cannon, Xans. Xans: No, I’m not. I’m a cannon, maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me? Hatchet: I think you play by your own rules. Massacre: Nuh-uh. Him and I have an ongoing agreement that rules are there to be broken. Ephialtes: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon. Xans: No, I’m just a reckless renegade. Slaughter is a loose cannon. Slaughter: *smashes a chair* Aah! You shut your trap, Xans! Massacre: I’d say Slaughter’s more of a cop on the edge with nothing to lose. That’s an entirely different thing. Hatchet: Now I’m just confused. Is Xans a loose cannon or not? Ephialtes: All right, put on a pot of coffee. We’re gonna get to the bottom of this. Xans: *groans* Slaughter: Aw, man.

---

The Squad: *walking at the mall* Slaughter: Hey, have any of you guys seen Ephialtes? He’s been gone for a while.. Massacre: Eh, nope. Xans: No, I haven’t... Hatchet: Probably ran off to McDonald’s or something. Ephialtes: Hey. Slaughter: Ooh, there you are- Massacre: What the fu- Hatchet: I- where were you?! Ephialtes: Walking right behind you guys.

—

Slaughter: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?

Xans: Several traffic violations.

Ephialtes: Three counts of resisting arrest.

Hatchet: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.

Massacre: Also, that’s not our car.

—

Ephialtes, about Hatchet and Massacre: My god, would you two just get a room already?

Massacre: Excuse me, Ephialtes?

Ephialtes: You both just keep agreeing about horrifying things and relishing everybody else's misery. So seriously, when's the wedding?

Hatchet: ...

Slaughter: Can I be the best man?

Xans: CAN YOU NOT?

—

Ephialtes: How would you like your pancakes?

Slaughter: Plain.

Xans: With sprinkles!

Massacre: Actually cooked. *Looks pointedly at Slaughter.*

Hatchet: Potatoes.

*Slaughter, Xans, and Massacre look at Hatchet*

Hatchet: What? They're good.

—

Massacre: Ephialtes is okay.

Hatchet: They're okay? They said they were going to break my legs! And don't tell me they didn't mean it, okay?! 'Cause they gave me the mackerel eyes, they meant it!

Massacre: Hatchet, Ephialtes threatened me. They threaten Xans every day. They probably threatened Slaughter before breakfast this morning. It's what they do. Grow a pair.

—

Hatchet: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went... OK.

Xans: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG.

Hatchet: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO.

Massacre: I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins.

Ephialtes: Looks like someone's a HO.

Xans: NaBrO.

Slaughter: I'm done with all of you!

—

Ephialtes: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell.

Slaughter, Xans, Massacre, and Hatchet: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!

—

Ephialtes: What scares you guys the most?

Slaughter: Werewolves!

Xans: Sharks.

Massacre: The unstoppable marching of time that is slowly guiding us all towards an inevitable death.

Hatchet:

Hatchet: Massacre.

—

Massacre: Who the fuck broke the toaster?

Xans: It was Hatchet.

Ephialtes: It was Hatchet.

Slaughter: Hatchet broke it.

Hatchet:

Hatchet: ...yOU PROMISED-

—

Xans: Hey, let’s mess with Massacre, guys!

Slaughter: Hey, Massacre, your momma so fat-

Massacre: My mom committed multiple war crimes and is now locked in solitary confinement in a Bolivian prison.

Ephialtes: Well, uh- your dad-

Massacre: My father left when I was two to be captured and consequentially sacrificed by a group of feral ferrets.

Slaughter: The fuck-

Hatchet: Well then...

Xans: Stop, Hatchet!

Hatchet: Your grandparents so-

Massacre: My grandmother floated into the sky like a balloon with too much helium when my grandfather spontaneously combusted.

Massacre: You cannot best me, mortals.

—

Ephialtes: What's the worst thing you guys have done?

Xans: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade.

Slaughter: I kicked Hatchet in the shin-

Hatchet: -So I kicked Slaughter between the legs.

Massacre: I genocided an entire race.

Ephialtes: What?!

Hatchet: What the hell is wrong with you?!?

Massacre: A lot of things.

Slaughter: No shit.

—

Xans: Why aren't there friend pick up lines? Pick up lines to make friends like-

Xans, to Slaughter: Hey, that's a cute outfit. You know where it would look better? On nobody else, because you're a beautiful individual.

Massacre, to Hatchet: Be my friend or I'll set your entire family on fire.

Ephialtes: There are two types of people.

—

Xans: Did you bring Massacre?

Slaughter, gesturing to Hatchet: No, but I brought the next best thing.

Xans: Hatchet? The next best thing would be Ephialtes.

Hatchet: I would be offended, but Ephialtes is freakishly strong.

—

Ephialtes: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me?

Xans: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it.

Slaughter: Three of us saw it, Xans. How do you explain that?

Xans: *points at Massacre* Sleep deprivation. *points at Slaughter* Paranoia. *points at Hatchet* Delusional personality disorder.

—

Massacre: *trying to buy a Father's Day card at Hallmark*

Massacre: Excuse me, do you have any that just say "You are my dad?"

Associate: Well, I-

Massacre: How about "You banged my mom?"

Associate: No...

Massacre: You know what, I'll just get a blank one.

Massacre: *writes* You are a father. This is a day. Here is a card.

—

Xans: *working in a flower shop and minding their own business*

Hatchet, storming into the store and slapping $20 on the counter: HOW DO I PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY SAY “FUCK YOU” IN FLOWER???

—

Massacre: ARE YOU-

Hatchet: Fucking.

Massacre: KIDDING ME?! YOU-

Hatchet: Fucking.

Massacre: IDIOT!

Slaughter: …What was that?

Hatchet: Ephialtes banned Massacre from swearing, so I’m helping them out.

—

Xans: I hate you with every inch of my body!

Hatchet: That’s not a lot of inches.

—

Hatchet: Ephialtes...

Ephialtes: I can tell by the tone of your voice that you are disappointed. Alas, I must further disappoint you by affirming how little I give a fuck.

—

*Ephialtes is reading a Clifford The Big Red Dog book*

Xans, watching: How did he get to be so big? Do they ever explain that?

Ephialtes: Well, Emily’s love for him grew, and so did he.

Xans: Well, your dog is pretty small. Guess that says something about you, huh?

Ephialtes, angrily shutting their book: YOU’RE SMALL! WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT YOUR PARENTS?!?!

—

Ephialtes: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?

Massacre, pointing at Slaughter: 6’8”.

—

Kidnapper: I have your partner.

Slaughter: What? I don't have a partner...

Kidnapper: Then who just called me a lowlife bitch and spit in my face?

Slaughter: Oh my god, you have Ephialtes.

—

Ephialtes: So, Massacre and Slaughter.

Ephialtes: According to this, you two are being accused of: Armed Robbery, Vandalism, Drug Abuse, Grand Theft Auto…

Massacre: We had a bad day.

Ephialtes: And… MURDER?!

Slaughter: It was a pretty bad day…

Massacre, shrugging and looking over to Slaughter: It seems they haven’t entirely found us out though.

Slaughter, nodding: Yeah, they didn’t count the Arson, or the Genocide.

Ephialtes:

Ephialtes: I am so done with you two.

—

Indigo: What do you call disobeying the law?

The Squad: A hobby.

Indigo: *crosses their arms*

The Squad: That we do not engage in.

—

Slaughter: I type how I think.

Massacre: Odd that you type at all then.

—

Ephialtes: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this!

Massacre: Apparently, we're not.

—

Xans: So, what is Indigo to you?

Hatchet: The reason I wake up every morning.

Xans: ...That’s adorable.

Indigo earlier that morning, barging into Hatchet′s room, smacking pans together: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!

—

Indigo: Guys where did Massacre go?

Ephialtes: They got arrested.

Indigo: How the hell-

Massacre: *bursts in through the window* The cops are after me, I thought it would be fun to steal crackers and throw them at people.

Massacre, looking at Indigo with a glare: Y’know, because SOMEONE decided I wasn’t allowed to kill everyone anymore.

—

Xans: I sort of did something and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment and criticism.

Massacre: And you came to me?

Xans: It involves genocide

Massacre:

Massacre, gesturing to a chair: Sit down my good sir. Let us have a chat.

—

Hatchet, at an awards show: Well, first of all, I’d like to thank Indigo, my closest friend, for telling me Ephialtes was going to win so don’t bother to prepare a speech.

—

Hatchet: *Breaks ringing phone with a hammer.*

—

*In a horror movie situation*

Indigo: I've got no service in my phone here.

Ephialtes: Shoot, my battery just died.

Hatchetr: Sorry guys, I just broke my phone with a hammer.

Xans: Guys, my phone is a book.

—

Ephialtes: I just had a long talk with Indigo and Slaughter about hitting and now they are yelling “it’s my turn to perpetuate the cycle of violence” before hitting each other.

—

Hatchet: I dunno if I'm ready to process the ramifications of this bullshit.

—

Indigo, handing a balloon to Hatchet: I have no soul. Have a good day!

Hatchet, walking off: I don't have one either.

—

Indigo: I have no respect for Santa. Don’t sneak in through the chimney and undermine my authority by bringing my family presents. Walk in through the front door and fight me like a man.

—

Indigo: HELP! I TOLD XANS I'D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN'T COOK!

Massacre, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

—

Indigo: And then they ran into my knife. They ran into my knife ten times.

Ephialtes: You mean you stabbed them?

Indigo: They ran into my knife.

—

Massacre: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don't want to sound mean.

Indigo: No, go ahead. I want to hear it.

Massacre: It sucks.

Indigo: That's not constructive criticism.

—

Ephialtes: *slowly pushes a cannon into a 17th century bank* Okay everyone, be cool. This is a robbery.

—

Demon: Hey, I took your soul last month and-

Massacre: What soul?

Demon: … that’s my point-

—

Xans: Wasn't icarly that guy that girlbossed too close to the sun because he was down for Apollo?

Massacre: ICARUS?

—

Slaughter: Why would you give a knife to Xans?!

Hatchet, shrugging: Xans felt unsafe.

Slaughter: Now I feel unsafe!

Hatchet: I’m sorry…

Hatchet: Would you like a knife?

—

Ephialtes: What are you writing?

Massacre: The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the house. I'm letting them know it's private information.

Hatchet, looking over Massacre's shoulder: This just says 'fuck around and find out' in calligraphy.

—

Xans: So... what’s goin’ on?

Hatchet: You want the long version or the short version?

Xans, hesitantly: The short one, I guess?

Hatchet: Shit’s fucked.

Xans: Oh. Well, yeah, that’s definitely not an optimal situation.

—

Ephialtes: Coca Cola can remove rust from metal, imagine what it’s doing to your body.

Xans: Pfff, getting rid of the rust, idiot.

Ephialtes: THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!

Massacre: Hmm... I've been drinking soda and my body's rust free... not sure where you're getting your facts from…

—

Xans: I’m a reverse necromancer!

Slaughter: Isn’t that just-

Indigo: No. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. You are literally so fucking unfunny that it hurts. It physically hurts my body knowing that people still think murder is funny. I cant believe im saying this but do you guys know how chronically online you all are, thinking that saying “oOh iM a rEVeRsE nECrOmANcER i LOvE tO kiLL pEOpLe” is genuinely funny and will get everyone in the room shitting themselves from laughter?? cause its not. It’s fucking not. In fact, its the unfunniest fucking joke ever. Not just any joke about killing people. This one specifically. Its so unfunny and stupid. Nobody is fucking laughing at that, Xans. It makes you look like a greasy emo kid who has never been outside once in their life and uses tumblr religiously. Like not even the funny side of tumblr. the fucking unfunny side filled with overused jokes about murder and illegal acts. Honestly, youre so unfunny, Xans. Fuck you.

—

Hatchet: State your name, rank, and intention.

Slaughter: Slaughter, Slaughter, fun.

—

Indigo: Who's in charge here? Massacre, shrugging: Usually whoever yells the loudest.

—

Xans: It’s funny how well you and Massacre get along. Didn’t they hate you at first? Indigo: Massacre hates everybody at first. It’s their way of reaching out to people.

—

Massacre, standing over the reader at 6’10”: I'd make fun of your height but there isn't enough to make fun of.

—

Massacre: I need 28 lightbulbs for 28 ducks. Hatchet: Ducks can’t eat lightbulbs? Slaughter: I think that’s the point. Massacre: Exactly. I want my ducks to glow so I can find them.

—

Slaughter: I think I did fairly well on my anatomy quiz! :) Massacre: I forgot I was doing a test. Slaughter: Massacre. Massacre: I said the vertebrae was the back stick because I thought it was funny.... Indigo: Massacre.

—

Indigo, as a child, reading their school assignment out loud: I love my library because... Indigo, mouthing words while writing: I love reading, fuck you.

—

Xans: I tried to write ‘I'm a functional adult’ but my phone changed it to ‘fictional adult’ and i feel like that’s more accurate.

—

Slaughter: *shatters a window and climbs through it* Slaughter: *turns around and helps Indigo through it* Breaking and entering is wrong Indigo. Indigo: Okay.

—

Indigo: Massacre, is that my mug you’re drinking out of?

Massacre: No, it’s mine.

Indigo: It... looks just like the one I have...

Massacre: You don’t have one like this anymore.

—

Indigo: .. .----. -- / … --- .-. .-. -.-- (translation: I'M SORRY)

Ephialtes: What's that?

Indigo: Remorse code.

Ephialtes: I'm even angrier now.

—

Xans: All of your existences are confusing.

The Squad: How so?

Xans: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of you upsets me.

—

Slaughter: Your smile? It makes my day.

Indigo: Your happiness? I live for that.

Massacre: A room? Get one.

Hatchet: Hotel? Trivago.

—

Massacre: Slaughter, what do you have?

Slaughter: A KNIFE!

Massacre: Okay, have fu-

Indigo: NO!

—

Slaughter, rubbing their temples: I am not proud of what I am about to say, but someone get me a cigarrette.

Massacre: But Slaughter, we don't smoke.

Slaughter: Cut the crap, Massacre. I'm not an idiot. I know that one in five people smoke.

Slaughter: *points at Ephialtes* One! *points at Xans* Two! *points at Hatchet* Three! *points at Indigo* Four! *points at Massacre* Five!

Slaughter: Now, I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them, there better be a cigarrette between these two fingers!

Indigo: *puts a cigarrette in Slaughter's hand*

Slaughter: Thank you. ...Light?

The Squad: *all simultaneously pull out lighters*

—

*after the Squad's plan goes horribly wrong*

Ephialtes: Now it seems we're back at square one-- finding Massacre.

Indigo: For the record, I already found them.

Hatchet: And you let them get away before we could have a meaningful conversation.

Indigo: They stabbed me!

Ephialtes: I'm surprised they waited this long, Indigo. We've all had the urge.

—

[the-real-elskel-blog]

Breeze is chilly but I can’t feel it cuz I’m icy already brrr. . . . . . . #hoodie #limitededtion #newrelease #elskel #original #simple #clean #dadhat #salty #balboaisland #newportharbor #dockside #highfashion #ootd #cvshed #streetwearfashion #artofvisuals #fashionfuckery #mensfashion #womensfashion #staywarm #stayclassy #sanfrancisco #losangeles (at Balboa Island)