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stargazer-sims · 3 months ago

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Heart and Home

CONTENT WARNING - mention of violence

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"You ever regret becoming a parent?"

Victor Okamoto-Nelson wishes he was anywhere but here, doing anything but participating in this uncomfortable exchange.

He folds both hands around his half finished bottle of red Gatorade and tries to ignore the fact that there are a dozen other members of hospital staff and at least as many people in street clothes in here, potentially witnessing this. Maybe it's a touch of paranoia, but he feels as if every pair of eyes and ears in the large room is on him and Ellie, and he has to resist the urge to fidget under the perceived scrutiny.

The hard plastic chair he's sitting in isn't doing much to lessen his need to move around, nor is the uneasy sensation in his stomach. Riding down in the elevator from the paediatric unit, he’d thought he was hungry, but the smell of overcooked vegetable soup in the hospital cafeteria is putting his appetite off, and Ellie's terrible question is contributing too. He feels queasy and he wants to leave.

He gazes at his fellow nurse across the cafeteria table. By coincidence, they're both on day shift this week, and when she saw him in the hospital parking lot this morning, she asked him if he'd mind meeting up for a few minutes after work. Normally, he doesn't like to hang around the hospital after his shift, but Ellie said she needed to talk to him about something and her tone seemed to imply it was important, so he reluctantly acquiesced.

So far, however, he hasn't figured out what Ellie wants. For the past ten minutes, all she's done is complain, trapping him in what has felt like a never ending cycle of nods and non-word responses of "Mm-hmm," and "Uh-huh."

Technically, Ellie is Victor's step-sister — they were both in their mid-20s when her dad married his mom — but he hasn't thought of her as a sibling of any variety in a very long time. These days, he's not even sure 'friend' is the right way to describe their relationship. They've known each other since they were babies and they'd been practically inseparable growing up, but careers, marriage, children, changing attitudes and differing perspectives on navigating life have pushed them apart. Sometimes, he feels like he doesn't even recognize her any more.

One thing he does know, though, is precisely how to answer Ellie's question about parenthood. His sweet Caroline has given him joy since the moment they first met, even before she became his and Yuri's legal child. Adopting a kid with albinism came with a set of challenges they hadn't been entirely prepared for, and they've had to learn a lot along the way, but he can say with honestly that he's never had a single hint of regret. He loves Caroline as if she were his own flesh and blood, and the idea of not having her is painful. Caroline has added so much to his and Yuri's lives, he can't imagine what their existence would look like now if they hadn't adopted her.

"Never," he says emphatically. “It was like some part of me was missing, and I didn't even realize it until Caroline came along and filled up that empty space."

"Lucky you," Ellie says.

"We are lucky," he agrees. "I wake up every day thankful that I've got Yuri and Caroline."

"Must be nice. Generally, I wake up asking myself what kind of disaster I'm going to have to face that day. Nora and Elliot are pushing my last button, and Leo's no help. He thinks the solution is to take Elliot and move into his parents' basement."

Victor studies his step-sister. She's exactly four months younger than him, but her appearance is that of someone ten years older. Her wavy brown hair is streaked with grey, and he's sure the dark smudges beneath her eyes are permanent. She looks exhausted in a way that a few solid nights' sleep wouldn't be enough to fix.

"Have you talked to Mom and Julian about any of this?" he asks.

She makes a dismissive huffing sound. "Dad and Grace are no help either. Grace says it's none of her business. Typical of her, honestly. And Dad won't do anything. He says he's supportive, but then he goes and tells me that Leo and I have to work our family problems out between ourselves."

"Well, he's not wrong about that second part," Victor says. "Yuri's mom told me and Yuri a long time ago that the way to have a strong marriage is to have good communication and to not hide anything from each other. We had to figure out how to do that together. It wasn't easy, but I can tell you it was worth putting in the work."

"I was kind of hoping for better advice than 'fix your own shit'."

"Believe it or not, that is the best advice," Victor says. "Even when things were at their worst, nobody stepped in and sorted out mine and Yuri's problems for us. Mom and Julian helped us a lot with advice and stuff, and so did Rei and Kenji, but Yuri and I really did have to fix our problems on our own, and I think we're stronger now because of that."

"Having a charmed life like yours must be nice," Ellie comments.

"I'm gonna pretend that wasn't sarcasm."

"Got any other pearls of wisdom other than telling me to solve my own problems?"

"I get that you're looking for something specific, but—"

"I'm looking for a miracle," Ellie cuts across him.

"I can't do those,” he says.

"God, I wish I could wind back the universe," she says. "I never would've agreed to marry Leo. Or maybe I would have, but I would've said no fucking way when it came to having kids."

"But... why?" he asks.

"This is probably going to be hard for you to understand since your kid is so perfect, but parenthood sucks for the rest of us."

"I don't think it sucks for most people."

"For me it does," Ellie says. "When I had Nora, I realized I gave up a whole chunk of myself that I'd never get back. Then we had Elliot, and... yeah. I gave up my freedom for those kids. I gave up my happiness, my independence and my whole fucking identity as a person for them. I lost my ability to enjoy my life just to make sure they could enjoy theirs, and those ungrateful little shits don't even care."

Victor is momentarily stunned. He has never met anyone who harboured such resentment toward their own children, and he's shocked and horrified to learn that his step-sister feels this way.

As for himself, he wouldn't say that he and Yuri gave up much of anything when they adopted Caroline. They haven’t lost their happiness or their individual identities, and they certainly haven’t given up their freedom.

Sure, Yuri had a less than smooth transition into parenthood, but he’d eventually found his footing, and Caroline's presence hadn't stopped him from doing everything he wanted to do. Yuri has grown his business, written three children's books, volunteered in the community and enjoyed his hobbies while parenting, and Victor has worked, volunteered and played as much as he's wanted to while raising Caroline as well. The three of them have travelled all over the world together, and they've had countless adventures and made the best memories. Far from being stifled after becoming fathers, having Caroline around has enriched them and expanded the scope of their experience.

"I'm sorry," he says, because he has no idea how else he's supposed to respond.

"No, you're not," says Ellie.

"I don't know what you're expecting from me," he tells her. "I just had to sit here and listen to you go on a huge rant about Elliot and Nora, and now you're telling me you never wanted them in the first place? I don't know how you want me to react to that, but i really am sorry. For you and Leo and your kids."

"I'm expecting you to help me."

"By doing what? Do you want me to tell Leo not to file for divorce, or not to move into Aunt Millie and Uncle Stephen's basement? Do you want me to tell Nora to come back from wherever she is and... I don't know. Be more like Caroline?"

"I want you to support me, and maybe have a little empathy," she says.

"I do have empathy for you, and I'm willing to support you, but that's kinda not what I'm hearing," he says. "It really sounds like you want me to agree with you and take your side, but you know I can't do that."

"You're my brother. You're supposed to take my side."

Victor shakes his head. "We're not siblings, Ellie. I think you know that as well as I do. I love you and I want to help if I can, but I'm not gonna let you manipulate me by trying to use the sibling card, okay? I know how you really feel about Julian being married to my mom, so you claiming to be my sister when it's convenient for you isn't the best way to go."

It's Ellie's turn to stare at him. A few seconds pass and then she asks, "Literally who are you? The Victor I used to know would've stuck up for me, no matter what."

"Maybe I'm not the Victor you used to know," he replies quietly. "We've all changed."

"Apparently," she says.

"Look, I don't know what's going on inside your head right now, and I'm not gonna claim I understand, ‘cause I don’t. All I know is, this shouldn't even be about taking sides. It's not you against Leo or you against your kids."

"How can you say that?" she demands. "It very much is me against Leo. He doesn't give a shit about me or Nora. He just wants to take Elliot and get away from me."

Based on what Victor knows, this is a fair assessment of the situation, aside from the part about Leo not caring about Nora. From conversations with Leo, Victor knows that he cares very much about his daughter and is worried about her to the point of losing sleep. He's worried about his son too, which is part of the reason he wants to take Elliot and move in with his parents.

Of course, Victor can't say any of this aloud, even though some mean little voice in his brain wants him to say, Can you blame Leo for wanting to get away from you?

He pulls in a long breath, holds it for five seconds and then lets it out slowly. "Tell me something. If you could wave a magic wand and have the ideal family right now, what would that look like?"

"You're kidding, right?" Ellie scoffs. "Why would I answer a dumb question like that?"

"Just humour me."

"Okay, fine. My ideal family would be just me and my dog. But, if I'm stuck with the family I've got, I'd want a husband who listened to me, a son who didn't have special needs, and a daughter who wasn't a disrespectful, spiteful little whore."

It takes willpower for Victor not to comment on Ellie's description of Nora. He says, "Okay. At least part of that is achievable."

"What?"

"You want me to help, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"This is me helping," he says. "You can't do anything about Elliot's disability, obviously, but you can at least make an effort with Leo and Nora."

"Right. Neither one of them is going to change. Leo has pretty much mentally checked out of our marriage, and I could scream at Nora till I'm red in the face and it wouldn't achieve anything."

"That's one thing you can work on," Victor suggests. "You know how many times I've yelled at Caroline?"

"How should I know?"

"Zero. Exactly zero times."

"Because Caroline's so angelic, you never get angry at her?"

"No," he says. "Because Caroline is a thinking, feeling person who deserves to be treated with compassion and respect. I do get mad, and I get tired and frustrated, and I've had to raise my voice to be heard plenty of times, but I've never yelled at her in anger because my anger isn't her problem."

"How is it not her problem? If my kids piss me off, I sure as hell make it their problem."

"You blame your kids for your own reaction." It's less a question than an observation.

"They were the ones who caused it," Ellie says.

"No," Victor counters. "They do something that makes you feel angry, and then you choose to overreact and blame them for it. You know you can be angry and not take it out on your kids, right?"

"Maybe you can."

"I think most people can, if they make an effort," Victor says. "I mean, I don't look at Caroline and think 'I'm mad and it's all her fault'. It's more like I'm angry or annoyed about the result of some choice she made."

"But she made the bad choice," Ellie points out.

"Yeah, but the person who decides how I'm gonna communicate my emotions about that is me, not her. Plus, I still want her to know I love her even when she does something stupid, and I want the chance to teach her to make better choices next time. How much do you think she'd learn if I screamed and freaked out every time she did something I didn't like?"

Ellie's response is laced with scorn, "If I'd known the secret to having a perfect child was just to not yell at them, I would've stopped yelling years ago."

Victor sighs. "If you're not going to take this seriously—"

"You're not exactly offering anything helpful, are you?"

"I am, if you'd listen," he says, exasperated. "I’m gonna be brutally honest here. Before you start trying to fix your kids, maybe you can work on yourself, and you could do something about your marriage. Get some couples' counselling, and maybe take an anger management class."

"Leo's not going to go to counselling."

"Have you asked him?"

"No, but I already know he won't."

"Okay. Then I guess I'm out of ideas." Victor pushes his chair back and stands up.

"Wait," Ellie says. "You're leaving? Just like that?"

"Yes, because this conversation is going nowhere," he says. "I'm tired and I want to go home."

More than anything, he wants to cleanse his mind, not only from this awful encounter but from the entire stressful day he's had today. He wants a long hot shower and something more sustaining in his belly than Gatorade and a dried out blueberry pastry. But, most of all he wants Yuri to hold him. Yuri may be tiny and frail, but Victor has never known anyone with as much inner strength as Yuri has, and no one else can comfort him and make him feel as safe as Yuri can.

He imagines Yuri's little arms wrapped tightly around him as he starts to walk away. It's only a ten-minute drive between the hospital and their new house. Only ten minutes, and he'll be in Yuri's arms for real.

"Victor, wait," Ellie calls out from behind him. He doesn't stop. Not until he hears her blurt out, "Nora's pregnant."

That causes him to halt and look over his shoulder at his step-sister. "What?"

"Nora is pregnant," she repeats.

He tells himself he shouldn't go back, that it's a bad idea, but something compels him to disregard his own better judgment. He reverses his trajectory and returns to his seat at the table. "How do you know that? I thought she moved out and you didn't have any contact with her."

"I saw her at the supermarket," Ellie reveals. "She was with some boy, and he couldn't keep his hands off her belly."

"That doesn't necessarily mean anything," Victor says.

"Oh, it means something."

Victor thinks about standing in line with Yuri at their favourite café, hugging him from behind and giving him what Yuri likes to call 'secret belly rubs' despite there being absolutely nothing secret about it. Plenty of couples cuddle that way in public. He's seen people doing that exact thing in the checkout line at the pharmacy and supermarket loads of times, and he's never once assumed any of the recipients were pregnant.

"How do you know?" he asks again.

"She's popping out exactly the same way I did when I was pregnant," Ellie says. "Remember how big I already was at twelve weeks with Elliot? I don't think she's very far along, but it was noticeable to me."

"So... is this what you really needed my help with?"

"Yeah, it's connected to it," Ellie says. "I'm sorry, okay? I should've led with that.”

“Yeah.”

“I'm so done with everything right now,” she says. “I can't handle another crisis, and I don't want Nora bringing her problems back home. It was bad enough the last time she was under our roof, with the drinking and inappropriate videos and running off at all hours of the day and night."

"What are you saying?" Victor does not like where he suspects this might be heading. "I hope you're not about to ask if she can move in with us when she gets tired of being on her own."

"God, no," Ellie says. "I might be done with her, but I wouldn't push her over to you. She's made it pretty clear that she hates Caroline, and God alone knows what might happen if they were under the same roof. I wouldn't put your kid at risk like that."

"That's... something, I guess," Victor stammers.

"But I'm not about to put Elliot at risk either," Ellie continues. "I don't trust her to be around him, and I need to do something about it."

"Like what?" Victor asks, regardless that he doesn't really want to hear the answer.

"You know a lawyer, right?"

"Uh...yeah. Uncle Stephen," he says. "Otherwise known as your father-in-law."

"No, not Stephen," says Ellie. "Not Matthew or his son, what's-his-name, either."

"Arthur," Victor supplies. "Everybody calls him Artie."

"Whatever," Ellie says. "I mean Yuri's lawyer. The one for his business. She knows what she's doing, doesn't she?"

"Her name's Kadijah, and I don't think Yuri and James would keep hiring her to do stuff for the firm if she didn't know what she was doing. But, why do you need a lawyer?"

"Because Nora is turning eighteen at the beginning of November, and Leo and I won't have any control over her any more at that point. There'll be nothing to stop her from coming to the house if she feels like it, and I want a restraining order."

"You... you want what?"

"I don't want her being around her brother with booze and drugs and porn and God knows what else. He'll either end up getting hurt or he'll turn out just like her, only he won't be smart enough to keep from getting caught. I'm not having that."

"And you think getting a court order to keep your pregnant daughter away from your house is the answer?"

"I have to protect my other kid. What choice do I have?"

"I can think of a few," Victor says. "Like getting over whatever grudge you're holding and talking to her, for one. Maybe get her into a residential rehab program if you think she's actually using drugs. Set her up with either prenatal care or a termination if she's really pregnant. Anything except locking the doors and telling her she's not wanted."

"Nobody talks to Nora," Ellie says. "Leo and I gave up on that. We got tired of her screaming in our faces and putting her fists through walls whenever we said something she didn't agree with. You know she gave Elliot a black eye for telling us about the adult videos she was making."

"Before, you said he hurt himself falling in the kitchen."

"He did fall in the kitchen after his sister punched him. Leo heard him crying and ran in from the yard, and he had to pull Nora off him." Ellie elaborates. "She's out of control, and I'm done."

"You can't be done. She's your kid and she needs help."

"She needs help, but not from me. I don't want anything more to do with her, and I absolutely do not want her back in my house."

"Then, I guess you're on your own."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm not helping you shut your own child out of your life," Victor informs her. "You don't have to be her best friend and you don't even have to let her live at home, but you can't give her the message that she's not loved or wanted. That'll guarantee you'll lose her for good."

"I think I could live with that," Ellie says.

Victor wonders if he's somehow slipped into a parallel dimension, because that's what it feels like. Although he's seen Ellie change over time, he struggles to reconcile the woman in front of him with the vibrant, cheerful and compassionate person he'd grown up with. When had she turned into this colder, harder version of herself? How had she transformed from the girl who had it all together and enjoyed helping others deal with their problems into somebody who seems as though she doesn't care enough to work on her own?

"You say that now, but I think you'd end up regretting it if you really did lose her." Victor says.

"No, I wouldn't," Ellie asserts. "You don't know what it's like to have a kid who hates you and does everything to spite you."

"No, and I'm glad I never will." This time, when Victor gets up from his seat, he has no intention of resuming it for any reason. "I'm sorry things are going bad, but please don't ask me for any more advice."

He barely notices anything on the short drive home. His sole focus is on getting there. When he pulls into the driveway, he's thankful to see the garage door open and Yuri's sporty little car inside.

Yuri is in the kitchen when Victor makes his way through the front door. Yuri's suit jacket is draped over the back of one of the stools at the kitchen island, and his work bag is on the island itself. He's in the process of loosening his necktie, but pauses at the sound of the door closing.

"Victor!" he exclaims. "What happened?"

Victor is flooded with relief at not having to explain that he's upset, or why. Right now, it's difficult to describe what he's feeling. It's more than one emotion. It's like anger, disgust and shock all tangled up with sadness, empathy and a crushing sense of helplessness. He's certain there isn't a single word for that, so instead of saying anything, he just holds out his arms.

Yuri comes to him immediately and slips his own arms around him. He leans into him and rests his head against his chest. Victor drops his arms around Yuri's shoulders and buries his face in his husband's hair.

"It's okay," Yuri murmurs. "You don't have to tell me now."

Yuri knows him so well, it's almost as if he's able to read his thoughts. The overwhelming gratitude he has for Yuri knowing exactly what he needs makes him want to cry, and he swallows painfully around the lump in his throat.

"I love you," he says against the top of Yuri's head. "I'll never stop loving you, and I'd never give up on you or Caroline for any reason, no matter what. I need you to know that, okay?"

"I know," Yuri says softly. "When you promised me forever, I know you meant it. I hope you know I meant it too."

"I know," he whispers.

"Whatever's going on, we're in it together just like always. You don't have to do anything on your own." Yuri tightens his hold, whether reflexively or on purpose Victor can't determine. "When you're ready, we'll talk about it, all right?"

He's fully aware there's no solution this time, nothing he and Yuri can realistically do to make it better for Ellie and Leo and their kids, but he'll tell Yuri about it anyway, if only so he doesn't have to carry the burden of his feelings alone. Perhaps Yuri can help him understand why this is affecting him so much, why it feels like a wound to his heart even though, in actuality, the situation has nothing to do with him.

He nods. "Okay."

"I love you," Yuri says.

All of a sudden, Victor can no longer fight his tears, but it’s okay if he surrenders. There's no judgment here. Yuri will shield him. Inside Yuri's embrace is the safest place he knows, and Yuri's quiet, steady presence is the perfect counterbalance to his flaw of being too sensitive and allowing his emotions to reside too close to the surface.

He tries and fails to take a deep, calming breath, only succeeding to produce a ragged gasp. Yuri strokes his back and soothes him with gentle sounds that might not even be real words in any language.

Yuri's voice is like an anchor grounding him, and his second attempt to settle himself goes better.

He wishes there were a bigger, weightier phrase to convey his gratitude for his soulmate and all he's done for him and for their amazing life together, but even if he doesn't have one, he's certain Yuri will understand.

After a few more deep breaths, he finds his voice and says, "Thank you."

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