#Eleven year old me had some very decisive thoughts about this and i still haven't really had a reason to go back on them | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thatbipolargirl · 3 years ago

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5-30-2022

I know I haven't written in awhile, but life has gotten in the way. My Aunt Rita died on Tuesday, May 3rd at 1:04 in the morning after a short battle with pancreatic cancer. My Uncle Jim died of the same thing in 2008, so it could possibly be hereditary. Aunt Rita didn't suffer much, not nearly as much as Uncle Jim. Either way though, pancreatic cancer is an absolutely horrific way to die. My mom has been having severe pain underneath her left shoulder since the day of Aunt Rita's funeral on May 6th. It got so serious, she even went to the ER in Brookfield on Monday, May 9th thinking she was having a heart attack. The pain radiates around her side, so that is why she thought it was her heart. It wasn't thankfully. At first they thought it was gallstones, which she does have, but now they think it is arthritis. I was worried it was pancreatic cancer because that can cause all kinds of weird symptoms, but I think they've ruled that out. She is supposed to have an MRI of her back (and also an Upper GI for the gallstones). They did an ultrasound of the gallstones several weeks ago, but the doctor said it wasn't causing her pain. He said the biggest one was about 3/4 of an inch big, but it isn't blocking anything such as the bile duct, and a person generally only has pain if they start to move or if they are blocking a duct. So hopefully we will find out answers after her MRI. I'm worried about her, and I hate it that she's in any kind of pain whatsoever. Sometimes the pain gets so bad she can't sleep, which is just awful.

Addie had her baby on April 14th. It is a little boy and his name is Ashton Luke. He's thriving and seems to be such a sweet baby. We went to a Women's Rally in Maryville at the Nodaway County Courthouse on May 14th, and I got to hold him for a little while. It is so wonderful to cradle such an innocent soul and think about all the possibilities for him throughout his (hopefully) very long life. The reason they held the rally was because the US Supreme Court is about to overturn Roe v. Wade, which scares the hell out of me! I personally won't be affected, but millions and millions of women in this country will be, including all three of my nieces. I can't believe women are still fighting after 50 years of Roe being basically settled law. However, more than half of the states have been chipping away at reproductive rights since Roe was won, including Missouri. I literally don't know what to do to help women in the US, so I went to the rally and donated to both NARAL and Planned Parenthood. It would be nice to become a member of some kind of underground railroad for women seeking abortion, but as of now I haven't been made aware of one since abortion is still legal in most states at least for the next month when SCOTUS officially delivers their decision. Oh, also I donate to the Missouri Abortion Fund through Amazon Smile, so every purchase I make on Amazon goes to them. It is just pennies on the dollar for each transaction, but a little is better than nothing.

There have been a lot of mass shootings lately, the most recent one being at an elementary school in Uvalde, Texas. Nineteen nine, ten and eleven year olds were killed, along with two teachers. Now gun control is the main topic of the news, and the gun rights advocates are screaming "Second Amenement" at the top of their lungs, while others are screaming for stricter gun laws. All I know is that it is truly scary that I (yes, me) can buy a gun legally in Missouri even with all of my mental health issues. It should not be this way. I have literally had panic attacks thinking about me having a psychotic break, purchasing a gun (or guns) and shooting up a public place. It scares me to death that I could do something like that. It just isn't right that guns have more rights in the United States of America than women do. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that, but it is true.

I started to see a new therapist (yes, again). I think she is my 37th therapist I've had in my life. Her name is Ada Silvey, and she is 80 years old. I thought that would be a problem, but the woman is very sharp and remembers, in detail, every single thing I tell her. My worry now is that she will die after we make good progress, and then I will have to start all over again with a new therapist. Also, I've had recent visions of her dying during an actual session with me, which is scary as hell. She's been quite helpful so far, teaching me a new breathing technique and assisting me with my intrusive thoughts about death and dying and killing other people. I have been both suicidal and homicidal lately. That's why I started therapy again in the first place. I told Dr. Harden about the intrusive thoughts, and all he did was up my Zyprexa from 30mg to 45mg, which took away (most) of the intrusive thoughts, but took away most of my other thoughts as well. I felt like a catatonic zombie for a few days, but I stopped taking the extra Zyprexa, and now I'm feeling a bit better. The intrusive thoughts are back, but they aren't as bad as they were...yet. I need to find a new psychiatrist in St. Joe. Driving to Kirksville is such a pain in the ass. Especially for a fifteen minute appointment that could have been done over the phone. Dr. Harden does allow me to do every other session over the phone, which is nice, but it is harder to tell him the truth when I'm not looking him in the eyes. And I need to be very truthful about these suicidal and homicidal thoughts so I don't become a danger to myself or others. I seriously wish there was a hotline for homicidal thoughts, just like there are suicide hotlines. I'm sure there are many others like me, and that I am not the only one to have these thoughts.

I haven't talked to David in almost two months. He told me another outrageous lie about being raped, and I just quit communicating. I also think he has been talking to Jeanette or another woman while he's talking to me because he sent me a text that wasn't meant for me. I'm sick and tired of his lies -- muggings, hospitalizations, the murder of his best friend and now rape. Not to mention his constant lying about working or looking for work and his lies about drinking. I think I finally got him out of my system, and that there is no way he can redeem himself in my eyes. I have been struggling internally with the existence of fate and soulmates and twin souls since we quit talking. He fucked up what little faith I had in this universe, and now everything just seems so damn random, with no meaning at all when it comes to the big picture of everything. Fuck past lives and future lives and parallel lives. This life is all we get. That's it. End of fucking list. Also, fuck him for destroying my fragile faith. Alcoholic asshole who in no way is amazing to me anymore. I'm done. Finished. He can live out his miserable fucking existence without me, and I hope he suffers every single day for the rest of his life.

Something positive -- I am going to Hermann/Columbia with my mom, Holly, Angela, Callie and Cassidy this weekend. We are touring several wineries in Hermann on Saturday, then spending the night in Columbia and shopping there the next day. The one winery I really wanted to go to is closed for the weekend because of a family wedding. It is the Adam Puchta winery, and I think it is his son (or maybe grandson) that is getting married on the property. The other wineries we are for sure going to are Stone Hill and Hermannhoff. I'm glad Callie and Cass are going so they can drive our drunk asses around! Ha! With as rarely as I drink, I'm sure two glasses of wine will have me lit up like fireworks.

Jeremy hurt his back the other day, and it really frustrates me. He really needs to find a doctor here in town as soon as fucking possible. I'm sure he needs refills on his metformin, and he definitely needs blood tests for his diabetes. I don't even know the last time he had his A1C checked. Or his cholesterol. And now that he's over 40, he needs to start having a prostate exam once a year. Part of the contributing factors to my father's death was prostate cancer, and I'm not losing my husband to something that can so easily be detected and treated. Also, he needs to get a referral to the pain clinic so they can treat his back. No more fucking excuses about it being too expensive either. He has the money, he just doesn't like to spend it on anything that isn't food or video games. But this is his health, and like it or not, he's going to get healthcare or I'm going to go insane.

It is just now 6:30am, and I've already written a small novel today. I'm a little manic from not taking the extra Zyprexa last night. I fell asleep around 11:30 and then Boxxy woke me up at 4:00 this morning. I've got so much shit on my to-do list that I need to end this for now and get fucking busy.

Until then...

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