#Edit: Queuing this because I'm a c o w a r d

[just-like-playing-tag]

Yo it's Apollo!Ray AU hours again

I just think Ray would be more fitting as ruthless psycho than Norman? I mean, Ray was willing to sacrifice 35 children out of 37- children that were his family, children he loved. I'm not saying such decision didn't destroy him internally; but if he, after having thought about it for a long time and considered there was no other chance, eventually agreed to sacrifice most of his own family, think about what he might be able to do to the creatures he despises.

Now, I'm not saying I'm 100% sure this is how Ray would act if he was sent to Lambda, and I know I'm on thin ice with remaining in character; but I find it fun to think of what could have been of him and eventually bringing to light some hidden dark aspects of his!

Hear me out: Ray is a complex, predominantly gray character. Through the canon story, he was greatly effected by Emma's good influence for the better. Nota bene!! I don't mean that Ray isn't his own character, and that his personality and development was solely shaped by Emma; what I mean is that he was influenced by Emma's attitude as much as she was of his own, because our personality is also built on the people we're surrounded by, especially the ones we share a deep bond with.

Now, let's say that, at Grace Filed, Ray's heart was still in a predominantly gray zone: a bit ruthless at heart - he really was willing to abandon to death 92% of his family - but still able to be influenced by Emma's good resolutions for the best (even though it's important to keep in mind that he didn't believe an escape involving more than three people was possible until it took place in front of his eyes. I think it's a very relevant detail, as it shows how GF!Ray's cynism and realism often lead to him solely being able to see the most negative results, and not allowing him to believe in the impossible as Emma and Norman did).

Now, things changed as canon Ray escaped. He had seen the impossible become reality right in front of his eyes, and in that moment he vowed he would have never made the same mistake: he would have never given up again; not on his family, nor on his life.

He swore to protect his family, and that he would have never allowed any of his siblings to meet death again: and that's because, for the very first time in his entire existence, he started to believe that no-escape-scenarios can actually be overcame without sacrifices, if only you have enough faith into making it possible. He learned that fighting back will never stop being an option, and he's now willing to do anything, even the impossible, to grant his family an happy life- this time, for all of them.

It's beautiful, isn't it? Well, bad news!!! Lambda!Ray never got the chance to go through this character development. In fact for him after his shipment everything got worse and more desperate!

I find it unlikely that Ray would have left a note with a revisited escape plan like Norman did before leaving... We know for sure in two months he didn't come up with what Norman had thought in a couple of hours, and even though in the circumstances of him being shipped he would have been him to make the recognition, he didn't know about the support of the younger siblings, which was a key element of the escape plan. Overall, even putting aside the fact that Norman is generally considered being a span more witty than Ray, I personally like to think that Ray, for how he is - pessimistic, depressed and everything - after seeing the cliff would have been far too miserable to come up with something as fast as Norman did.*

*Actually, it's hard to tell for sure, because I think Ray would never give up on saving Emma and Norman- but things were happening so fast, so what if he didn't have enough time? What if he just couldn't come up with a plan to overcome the cliff? I fully believe Ray would have done anything to save Emma and Norman, but what if there wasn't anything to be done? It's hard to say.

Ray is shipped to Lambda. This is probably what he's thinking, differently from Norman:

1. Their plan to escape somehow feels as it's already failed, since they already lost one person: without him, the plan of setting the house on fire to distract Isabella has no chance to work, making their already few chances of escaping go down to basically none.

2. Differently from Norman, who never stopped believing in Emma, Lambda!Ray doesn't know if his siblings were actually able to escape; taking into account how pessimistic Ray is, he has probably long presumed them dead. In such situation, it's very likely he considered the work of the six years of his life to at least make Emma and Norman survive gone to waste. I think it's actually very likely for him to get even more depressed and hopeless at Lambda, believing that now all his family is dead, and probably blaming himself for that. The fact that out of all his family he was the only one who survived - him, the one who out of them was the most ready and willing to die - must feel to him like the most cruel joke from destiny.

[For reference: until the very moment they finally met, also Norman didn't know the escape was successful.

Of course, Norman believed in Emma and in her plan, but what about cynical, realistic, I'm-depressed-since-I-was-one Ray?]

At Lambda, Ray is hopelessly stalling, obsessing on this kind of thoughts. His hatred for demons and, for extension, the world he lives in, is growing stronger and stronger. He's slowly sinking in the abyss of his own desperation. Now that all for him is lost, the only thought that keeps him from giving up on his life is one: the thirst of vengeance. A single, dark, rooted thought that somehow manages to be the one thing that keeps him going on. (Once taken on the Apollo facade, there probably was also a component of wanting to stop once and for all the suffering of thousands of children... But in all honesty, I believe with Ray the revenge component would be much stronger than it was with Norman.)

Let's take a moment to reflect on Ray's vindictive side, shall we? Of course, the main reason for Ray to set himself on fire was because according to him it was the safest way to make the others escape (honestly I think a big part of it was also because of him being suicidal kind of depressed, but that's not relevant to the point). But I believe another primary reason for his actions was his seek for revenge: you can clearly see it in his words full of hate and loathing. And I mean, I think that's pretty canon? Ray's beautiful theme in this moment of the anime is literally called “Ray's retaliation”.

That night Ray sought revenge for having ruined his six years plan to save his true friends (since Norman was ultimately shipped without him being able to do anything to save him), together with revenging all of his siblings he saw being led to death. Somehow, it was a moment for him to set all his anger free as his last testament leaving that cruel world.

But as for the Ray of the AU, he never got to experience that freeing moment! Instead, the anger inside of him kept growing stronger and stronger. And now that he believed the whole escape plan had failed and not a single child had survived, it's fair to assume his thirst for revenge would keep growing with it. And also, once again: this time there's no Emma to have a good influence on him.

Now imagine: after escaping Lamba, Ray meets Emma and Norman again!! He's overjoyed: for the longest time, he had thought he would have never got to see them again. He's ecstatic, overwhelmed with joy. In that moment, he swears to himself he'll never lose them again. Skip to the moment of the confrontation between the three of them, except this time it's Ray to expose his plan to exterminate the demons; when Emma randomly speaks her mind and says that, well, she actually doesn't find it very nice to eradicate an entire species, and that in fact she and Norman were already planning a fun trip to a deadly metaphysical place nobody ever came back from to reforge the promise. Needless to say, in the span of minutes Ray is back sinking deep into the abyss. He won't lose them again. He can't lose them again. And click boom, he goes “You know what Emma? Why don't you visit our Paradise Hideout a bit longer instead 😊🔪🔪🔪”

What I'm trying to say is: when the story starts, Ray has gone through all of the most dreadful and disturbing horrors; he's unstable, and depending on his fate when leaving Grace Field he could have easily swing from one extreme to the other. I think Emma greatly helped him overcome his hatred; but what would have been of him, hadn't she been there to support him? What if he only met people who shared his hatred for demons? What if Ray had the choice to kill them all?

[jin-was-here-2]

Jon Moxley - So What by Three Days Grace

So what if I’m crazier than crazy? So what if I’m sicker than sick? So what if I’m out of control? Maybe that’s what I like about it

You can say that I’m going insane And I’m not quite right And that I’m to blame You can say that I’m sick on the inside Bet you don’t know I like it that way You can say whatever you like If it’s so wrong I don’t wanna be right!

So what if I’m crazier than crazy? So what if I’m sicker than sick? So what if I’m out of control? Maybe that’s what I like about it So what? So what?

You can say that I’m going insane And I’m not quite right And that I’m to blame I don’t care you can say what you want to I am who I am and I’ll never be like you You can say whatever you like If it’s so wrong I don’t wanna be right!

So what if I’m crazier than crazy? So what if I’m sicker than sick? So what if I’m out of control? Maybe that’s what I like about it So what? So what?

And when I’m up It’s better than ever And when I’m down I’m desperate And when I’m up It’s better than ever And when I’m down I’m desperate I’m desperate I’m desperate

So what if I’m crazier than crazy? So what if I’m sicker than sick? So what if I’m out of control? Maybe that’s what I like about it So what? So what?