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marblemoovt · 2 years ago

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Secrets - Eddie Munson/Chrissy Cunningham

Masterlist

Rating: Teen

Word Count: 5.2k

Warnings: Mostly angst with a happy ending. Hurt/Comfort. A pinch of fluff.

Summary:

Chrissy's hiding something. Eddie can't help but doubt her when Jason presents him with physical proof of her lies.

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The smile on Jason’s face tightens, and his jaw clenches. “I’ll use simpler language, something you’ll be able to understand.” Jason pulls out a note from his jersey. The paper is a light lilac, with vines and flowers curling around the border. There’s only one person he knows who uses this kind of paper. “Chrissy is lying to you as she did to me. Sooner or later, you’re going to find out that she doesn’t really love you, and then she’ll dump you for someone else.” Eddie blows a raspberry at the absurd idea. Jason only shakes his head sadly, “Chrissy is wicked, and wicked women will suck up all the resources of a man before moving on to the next one.”

Note:

This is for an ask I received. The document has been sitting for 2-3 weeks on my computer, nearly finished. I just never found the motivation to finish it/fill in the remaining spots. It's honestly been a while since I wrote some proper angst, so I hope I remembered well enough lol.

Happy Reading! ヾ(•ω•`)o

─── ⋆ ｡ﾟ☆: *. ☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡⋆ ───

Eddie pulls into the school parking lot, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel to the guitar riff blasting in his car. The rings on his fingers glint in the sunlight. He’s wearing the one Chrissy bought him. There’s an ‘86’ engraved on the inside of the band. Eddie can’t shake the grin off his face. This year he’s definitely going to graduate; Chrissy’s been helping him with English. He’ll finally be rid of Ms. O’Donell, though part of him will miss terrorizing the old bat.

Parking his van, Eddie slings his bag over his shoulder and walks to the entrance. Chrissy’s waiting for him like she always does before first period. Her pastel blue sweater clashes with the Metallica t-shirt peeking underneath. He was wondering where that shirt went.

“You’re on time,” Chrissy praises, clapping slowly. Eddie bows in different directions, waving and thanking his imaginary audience. It works as intended, and Chrissy’s laughter soon follows. He grins and brushes wild strands of hair out of his face.

“It’s terrible manners to leave a princess waiting. The aristocracy would have my head,” and Eddie tugs an invisible rope around his neck, glancing at the crowd of popular kids huddled to the right. It’s been three months, and these people still haven’t figured out that it’s rude to stare. So Eddie likes to interpret it as an invitation to a staring contest, and he always wins.

Chrissy plays with the frayed ends of his denim jacket.“I’ve got to head to math. I’ll see you at lunch?”

“Yeah. See ya at our spot,” Eddie agrees. Chrissy stands on her toes and presses a kiss to his cheek. He can feel the tacky stick of her strawberry lip gloss and the sweet scent of her perfume curls around him. She smells like pure sugar, and it makes his mouth water. He can’t eat cotton candy anymore without thinking of her. Eddie watches Chrissy walk away. Correction: he’s watching her cheerleader skirt sway as she walks. Damn thing nearly kills him every time.

“So she’s got you whipped, too. Didn’t think anyone could tame the freak.” A hand claps his shoulder, and Eddie recoils.

“What the hell, man?” Eddie grunts, adjusting the straps of his backpack. Jason Fucking Carver is standing beside him. He eyes Jason warily, waiting for the wolf to tear off its mutton disguise. The smile on his face is too nice, too perfect. A wide curve and all teeth. Friendly. Suspicious. “What do you want?”

Jason tsks and looks at Eddie with pity. That tut of sympathy and the soft crease of his brows—did somebody die? Maybe his ego finally kicked the bucket, and now the entire school is mourning the loss of Jason’s fragile masculinity. Eddie steps back when Jason reaches out to him. The universe will implode before Eddie consents to physical contact from laundry basket losers. Ok. They’re probably not all bad, but Eddie hates this one in particular.

“Just wanted to warn a fellow man about feminine wiles,” Jason says, raising his hands in surrender.

Eddie hates the condescending tone blanketed with faux concern. The day Jason Carver worries for Eddie will be the same day Hell freezes over. An invasion of mutant aliens from another dimension would be more believable. The arms reaching out to embrace Eddie tried to put him in a headlock on numerous occasions. “Whatever you’re preaching, I’m not buying. Try your little sales pitch at one of the houses down the street. Underappreciated housewives might be more your type,” Eddie suggests.

Eddie flips him off. “You’re full of shit.”

“Am I? Or am I looking out for a fellow man?” Jason notices the falter in his sneer and shortens the distance between them. “You’ll see. Eventually, you’ll start to notice the small lies. And they’ll get bigger and bigger until you realize you’ve been played for a fool.” Jason shoves the note flat against Eddie’s chest, and he hates how his hands instinctively grasp at the paper, eager to unfold and read the words hidden inside. “Do what you want, Munson. It ain’t my heart on the line.” Jason stalks away and disappears into a sea of green and testosterone.

Eddie crumples the note, stares long and hard at the trash bin by the entrance, and stuffs it into the pocket of his jeans. He enters the school and goes to first period, gnawing on the end of his pencil until his tastebuds shrivel from the taste of wood. The teacher is on a tangent about some story from their adolescence. Big props to the student who managed to waste half a period.

The ball of paper forms a lump in Eddie’s pockets. He can see it when he glances down, can feel it burning a hole in his jeans. Spitting out his pencil, Eddie finally takes out the note and smoothens the wrinkles to no avail. The writing is warped by creases and lines, but he manages to read it.

I can’t believe I was dared to date the Freak, but at least the weed is free! I’m tutoring him in English, and no wonder he’s failed twice already. He’s literally so stupid; it takes him forever to understand what I’m saying. That’s not the only thing he’s slow at. Can you believe he hasn’t touched me yet? How pathetic. I bet he’s a virgin. I’ve seen the way he looks at my legs when I wear my cheerleading uniform. Poor guy looks like he’s going to cream his pants! Worst of all, he thinks I actually like him. As if! :P

“Mr. Munson, back in your seat,” but Eddie ignores the teacher. He grabs his bag and exits the classroom. The bell rings before he can be reprimanded further. Students rush past him, hurrying to their next class. Eddie is a rock at sea, enduring the waves, trying not to let the ebb and pull of the tide erode him away. He already feels like he’s underwater. Can’t breathe. Can’t think. Can’t hear.

“There you are!” Chrissy’s voice pulls Eddie out of his daze. She’s standing in front of his locker. A lighthouse, shining its beacon amid a stormy ocean. Or a siren beckoning him closer to sink his ship. He stumbles toward her, and a dull ache lingers in his chest. If the titanic had feelings, is this what it would have felt when approaching that iceberg? To veer towards destruction, knowing that the collision will leave you permanently wrecked and in pieces. Eddie leans against his locker and brings a hand up to his pocket. He should just ask her. All this worrying will accumulate until he explodes into an anxious mess.

Chrissy wipes her chin with the sleeve of her sweater. Eddie notices that her lips don’t sparkle like they did this morning; most of it is gone. He can’t control his expression. His eyebrows draw tight together, and his lips pull into a snarl. Eddie can feel the venom on the tip of his tongue, so he walks away before he accidentally sinks his fangs into her.

“Eddie?” Chrissy calls after him, jogging to keep up with his long strides. “What’s wrong? Did something happen in class?” She reaches out and grabs his shoulder, but Eddie shrugs her off.

“Leave me alone. I can’t look at you right now,” Eddie spits, doubling his pace. Chrissy stutters and halts, dumbfounded behind him. He doesn’t look back. Because he knows that if he turns around and sees her large blue eyes swimming with tears, he’ll cave. Then she’ll have him wrapped around her little finger again.

Eddie doesn’t go to second period. He hides in his van and gets stoned out of his mind. Ignores how the scent of sugar cuts through the weed. Pretends to not see the scrunchie sitting in one of the cup holders. He smokes, reads the note, cries, then repeats the process. At least he can bawl his eyes out, and no one would question the redness. They’ll chalk it up to stoner antics. Who would believe that Eddie the freak Munson is sobbing instead of puffing a joint?

Eddie stuffs the note back into his pocket. He is so stupid. A fucking moron. Why did he think this would be smooth sailing? This isn’t one of those cheesy romcoms Chrissy begs him to rent when it’s her turn to pick a movie. Get the girl; get the degree; get the hell out of this shithole. Eddie has none of those things. A sharp blade jutting out of his back is all he got.

A bell signals that it’s lunch, but Eddie doesn’t move. He knows that Chrissy will be in the forest, waiting for him. Unease crawls around his stomach—or is that the munchies? Either way, the idea of leaving her alone out there doesn’t sit well with him. What if a customer ignores the system he’s set up and finds her there? God forbid one of the jocks comes across her. Eddie opens the back door of the van, waving away the evidence of his afternoon smoke. He stumbles out and walks toward the treeline, shoving his hands in his pockets. The crumpled ball of paper rolls between his fingers. He passes another trash can and ignores it.

Eddie stops a few feet away from the picnic table. He presses up against a tree and peers around the trunk. Chrissy’s sitting there, painted nails tapping away at the wood. Her eyes dart everywhere, looking for him no doubt. Eddie can see her knee bouncing from this distance. A heavy weight sits on top of his chest. It compresses his heart until every beat pulsates and batters his ribcage. He doesn’t know how long he stands there, only that Chrissy withers as time passes. Eddie glances at his wristwatch. 20 minutes since lunch started. It’s going to end soon—has she eaten yet?

A choked gurgle surprises Eddie. He almost crashes into a pile of twigs. His eyes pinpoint to Chrissy, and her face rests against the table, shoulders heaving with silent sobs. Eddie takes a step forward, but the paper ball in his pocket weighs him down like an anchor. She doesn’t care about me. She’s just upset she got caught. So he stands there, listening to her tears rise into wails.

Eddie closes his eyes and leans his head against the tree. He pretends that he doesn’t care. The wet heaves and sputters do not bother him. His skin is not crawling with bugs—oh look, there’s actually an ant crawling on his arm. Eddie shakes off the insect and cringes when he makes out his name between broken hiccups. The ice in the pit of his stomach is because he skipped lunch. A sharp cry stabs his heart. Eddie still can’t move, rooted to the ground by nothing but his own insecurities and fears. Eventually, it dies down to quiet sniffles. He watches as she wipes her eyes when the bell rings, smooths her clothes, reties her hair, and walks away. The strawberry blonde ponytail sways out of sight; green and blue are swallowed by foliage and wood.

Eddie leans against the tree, digs his fingers into the cracks and crevices of the bark. He doesn’t know what to make of this. Could Chrissy be genuinely upset over him? But then Eddie remembers the countless campaigns he’s been through. Betrayal is often committed by those closest to you. But he doesn’t have magic. He can’t cast a spell or roll a die to see if she’s lying. All he can do is entrust her with his heart and trust she won’t stomp on it.

And clearly, she’s decided to stomp on it.

Screw school. Eddie skips the rest of his classes and hangs out in the theatre room. The drama teacher is kind and doesn’t question his presence, only asking if he’d like to help with the upcoming play. So Eddie picks up basic lighting theory and learns that yelling stage directions and script lines give the same rush as running a campaign.

The rehearsal ends, and Eddie doesn’t feel like curling into a ball and praying for the ground to swallow him whole. The drama teacher packs up and reminds him to lock up when hellfire is done. Eddie grabs his gear from his van. He sets the figurines back in their previous positions according to the scribbled stickmen on his notebook.

When the door clicks open and all his little sheepies enter, Eddie is gone. Only the Dungeon Master remains.

The campaign goes off without a hitch—for him, anyway. Dustin roars in outrage when his character nearly plummets off the cliff for trying to sit on a rock (using a sleeping golem as a chair is not advised). Mike and Lucas are cursed for neglecting a tiny gremlin which imprinted on them in the last session (parenting is hard). Gareth, Jeff, and Grant have more experience dealing with his trickery. But no one is safe from the Dungeon Master.

Gareth’s ex reappears, and a whole groom-napping arc happens. Jeff and Grant must pass off as orcs to rescue their friend before the wedding ceremony ends. (Did Eddie forget to mention that orcs mate for life? Well, they do now.) The problem is they’re only big enough to pass off as children. So Jeff disguises himself as the ring bearer, and Grant is stuck with the job of flower girl. The entire reception is gobsmacked when two orc children run away with the groom.

Laughs echo, tears spill, and Eddie continues to forget about the ball in his pocket. He focuses on the notebook in front of him, hiding his smirk behind the divider as he reads ahead to the next point in the campaign. The party ends at a cliffhanger tonight. The golem, gremlin, and orcs combine forces. As the saying goes: the enemy of my enemy is my friend. A tiny gremlin riding a golem, and leading an army of orcs, is not bullshit, Dustin. Eddie’s campaign, Eddie’s rules.

“You guys got a ride home tonight?” Eddie asks. Everyone responds in a chorus of ‘yes,’ much to his surprise. Though it’s probably for the best. The adrenaline from DnD is starting to wear off. His fingers itch to dig through his pockets. Instead, he clenches them around his notebook and divider. Rising from his throne, Eddie is the last person to leave.

A voice springs at him from behind when he exits the school. “Eddie,” and manicured nails grab onto his sleeve.

“Chrissy,” Eddie nods, but he doesn’t turn around to look at her.

“Did… did I do something wrong?” Chrissy asks, and the laugh that leaves Eddie’s chest is hollow. He can hear the final boss music playing in his head. No more running like a coward.

“I don’t know. Did you?” Eddie tugs his arm again, but it remains trapped. “Isn’t there something you’re hiding from me?” He hears her sharp intake of breath and shakes his head. “So there is,” he says with a bitter chuckle.

“I was going to tell you when I was ready—” Chrissy starts, but Eddie cuts her off.

“And when would that be? A couple of weeks? A few months? A year? How long were you planning on keeping it from me, huh?” Eddie feels her grip slip and manages to jerk his arm free. A force slams into him from behind. He glances down to see blue sleeves locked around his waist. “Was it fun watching me be ignorant?” he whispers.

“I’m sorry, Eddie. I don’t like hiding it from you, but it’s not something I can tell you right away,” Chrissy mumbles into his back. Eddie can feel her trembling against him, and his shaky hands aren’t faring any better. He bites his lip and tells himself it’s chilly outside. He’s shivering from the cold. His fingers don’t itch with the need to embrace Chrissy and pepper her with kisses. But Eddie craves her affection—he’s addicted to it. His stomach cramps and he readjusts the sweaty grip on his notebook. He’s so close to that precipice, teetering on the edge of relapse.

Eddie scoffs, “Cause I would have left?” His fingers dig into the folded-up divider in his hands, squeezing so tight it brands a welt across his palm. He takes a deep breath to relax, but the lump in his throat swells.

“Yes—maybe—I don’t know,” Chrissy stutters and sighs. Eddie wheezes out a breath. Being a cheerleader must make you freakishly strong. “I was afraid of what you would think,” she confesses.

“What? That Cheer Captain Chrissy isn’t as perfect and preppy as everyone thinks she is?” Eddie feels her flinch against his back, and he bites his lip. Fuck him and his big mouth. Wait, no. Fuck her. He couldn’t care less if he hurts her feelings when she’s been toying with him.

Chrissy swallows thickly. He can hear the click of her throat echo in the deserted parking lot like the safety of a gun being turned off. He waits for her to pull the trigger and splatter the pavement with the remaining pieces of his heart. “You don’t understand the pressure—”

Eddie whirls around, and Chrissy jerks back at the sudden action. “Is that what I am? A way to relieve stress? Someone you can hang out with for a good time and leave once you feel better?” His voice rises steadily. The irritating sting at the corner of his eyes smothers the smouldering flames in his chest. “You’re just like the rest of them. You lie and use me. Then when I’m no longer useful, you conveniently disappear.”

Chrissy steps forward, and he flinches. Her brows furrow together, and the wobble in her tone makes him weak in the knees. “Eddie? When did I ever say that?” He hates how convincing her performance is. She almost sounds confused. If it weren’t for that goddamn note, Eddie would still believe she cared about him.

He sneers, “You’re a terrific actor, Cunningham. I hear the drama class is casting for their play. You should audition.” Eddie takes the crumpled note from his pocket and slaps it into her hand. “Take your lies elsewhere. They have no place with me anymore.” He gauges her reaction, shifting his weight between his feet when he notices her lost expression. It will only hurt him to stay, so he continues to his van.

Chrissy blinks owlishly. “What?” She unfurls the paper, and her eyes zip along the lines. Footsteps pound against the pavement, approaching him with breakneck speed. “Eddie, I didn’t write this,” she cries.

Eddie stops, and she crashes into him. He whirls around and grabs her by the shoulders, staring into her glistening eyes. He shouts, trying to drown her voice with his own. “Enough with the lies! You got caught; own up to it,” he finishes softly, waiting for her to stop the crocodile tears and laugh at him. Does she plan to deny everything until the very end? Does she plan to drive the knife until the blade lodges between his ribs? To slice him open so her hands can reach in and crush his barely beating heart herself? Eddie smiles dryly. Fuck, he basically described prepping a chicken. He’s a chicken.

Chrissy shakes her head, ponytail whipping frantically. “No, I would never write anything like this. Don’t accuse me of something I didn’t do.” Fat tears roll down her cheeks, and Eddie is transported back to fifth grade when some kid’s lunch money was stolen. Martyrized because of a last name. To stand in the centre of a room and not have a single person believe you…. Eddie shakes his head, trying to dispel the overlap between his younger self and Chrissy.

“It’s a page from your notebook,” he says.

Chrissy looks at him with wide eyes. “I told you last week that I lost it. It disappeared during chem,” she reminds him.

Eddie chuckles. He can’t believe she’s still denying everything. “That’s just another layer to your elaborate scheme in case this note ever circulated back to me.”

Chrissy stares like a deer caught in headlights. She’s so fucking guilty. The tears dripping down her chin tug at the small amount of guilt in his chest, picking at it like a festering wound. “This is ridiculous. That isn’t enough proof I did this,” she cries.

“What’s your proof that you didn’t?” he counters. Eddie can’t wait to see what bullshit excuse she comes up with.

“I didn’t do this because it’s cruel and reflects nothing of how I feel about you.” Chrissy jabs a finger at his chest when he scoffs at her words. “Don’t you shake your head at me, Edward Munson. I would never do such a thing because I love you!” Her confession rings in his ears, brain buffering to process it all.

“...You love me?” Eddie whispers. The words roll off his tongue like molasses, thick and heavy. They stick to his teeth like candy as he struggles to enunciate his thoughts.

Chrissy smiles and wipes underneath her eyes. “You and your thick skull,” she adds with a sniffle.

Eddie knocks a fist against his head. “Gotta protect the goods, y’know?” She laughs, but it sounds choked and phlegmy. Her chest wracks with coughs, and he immediately pulls her into his arm, firmly patting her back. “Christ, Chrissy. I’m sorry. I love you more than anything, and when I thought you didn’t feel the same—.”

“Eddie?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up and kiss me.”

Chrissy tastes like salt and strawberries. Her lips are so soft and pliable; he wants to nibble on them. The scent of her perfume is dizzying at this proximity. Eddie rests one hand on the nape of her neck, pressing her closer to him. He kisses her like it’s the last time, swallowing her quiet gasps and cute little noises.

They pull away, panting. Eddie swipes a thumb across her swollen lips, smeared with lip gloss. He can’t resist kissing her again when the blush on her face is absolutely adorable. This time, he strays from her lips and trails kisses along her jawline to her earlobe. Eddie nibbles on the cartilage and hears her laugh.

Chrissy playfully pushes him away. She rereads the note, turning and rotating it. “Who gave this to you?” she demands. Eddie shudders at the venom in her tone.

“Jason—oh. He. He set this up.” His brain lags and takes a few seconds to connect the dots. Eddie runs a hand down his face and sighs. He should have known Jason was up to something. The guy barely said a word when Chrissy and Eddie started dating. Something stunk, and it wasn’t the overwhelming amount of cologne Jason wears.

“Angel, why would you believe anything he tells you?” Chrissy asks, wiping a stray tear from Eddie’s cheeks.

“He may have hit some sore spots and unearthed my childhood trauma with freakish accuracy,” Eddie mumbles.

Chrissy brushes his hair out of his face. “Next time, talk to me,” she says, smiling gently.

He nods. “I promise. No more running away.” Eddie bites his lip as the entire day plays through his head in fast forward. God, he was such an ass. “I’m really sorry, Princess.”

“No, it’s ok. I understand. Sometimes I worry about what you see in me.” Eddie has to pick his jaw up from the floor. Chrissy doesn’t think she’s good enough for him?? He makes a mental note to unpack that later. Something has been nagging at him in the back of his head.

“Wait. If you didn’t write this note, what secret were you talking about earlier?” Eddie asks.

Chrissy avoids his gaze and fidgets with her necklace. “Can we talk about it inside your van? I’m cold.” Eddie shrugs off his leather jacket and hangs it over her shoulders. She pulls the material tighter around herself.

Eddie shifts his DnD gear and holds her hand. “C’mon, I also got a pair of sweatpants you can wear.” They walk through the parking lot, and Eddie tosses the note, scoring a three-pointer in the bin. Once they’re in the van, he cranks up the heater. “So about that secret?” Eddie asks.

Chrissy stops playing with her necklace. Her hands drop to her lap, and she turns to him. “You know how I’m seeing Ms. Kelley?” Eddie nods, and she continues her story. “Well, I see her for a reason,” she says, wracking her brain for the best explanation. “...I’m under a lot of pressure. Mostly school and my mom. I want to get into a good school, so I’m trying to get straight ‘A’s for scholarships. Juggling that with being cheer captain is a lot of work.” Eddie winces. And on top of all that, she’s still making time to tutor him so he can graduate.

“And your mom?” Eddie asks. The frown on her face worries him. Unconsciously, he scans her face and legs, wondering if her clothes hide any marks on her skin.

Chrissy glances at her stomach. “My mom has certain… ideas about what I should look like….” She tugs at her sweater, and Eddie notices for the first time that it’s a few sizes too small and not short on purpose. He recalls how happy Chrissy was when he told her she could borrow anything from his closet. The hoodie swallowed her, but she thanked him as if he gave her the world.

“...Is that why I never see you eat?” Eddie asks, his voice barely above the hum of the heater. Chrissy looks at him like she’s being seen for the first time. He promises right then to never let her feel invisible again, not while he’s around.

“You noticed? God, you must be the only one who does. It’s always ‘Chrissy, that’s bad for you,’ or ‘Haven’t you had enough, Sweetie?’ My least favourite is when she sighs and tells me my uniform has gotten too tight around my waist, even though she cinches it tighter weekly.” Chrissy tugs harsher at her sweater. He can see the stitches stretch, and he holds her hands before she tears the garment apart.

“That’s fucked up, Chrissy.” He wants her to know that. He needs her to understand that none of this is acceptable, that she doesn��t owe her mom jack shit.

Chrissy barks out a laugh. “I know! That’s why I have to see the school counsellor. But even with her help, my mom is this unrelenting force. Kinda like those monsters in your campaigns.” A wry grin etches across her face. “Then I met you. And for the first time in my life, Eddie, I wanted something. I wanted something so bad it hurt.” Chrissy takes a deep breath, and Eddie squeezes her hand tight. She flashes him a watery smile, and he thinks she looks beautiful in the dim fluorescent lights. “I wanted you, Eddie. Every time you flirted back, it boosted my confidence. Until I was strong enough to break up with Jason.” Chrissy chuckles, and her nose scrunches up. “My mom yelled so much. She was too angry to care about the neighbours hearing her. I told her to date Jason if she likes him so much.”

“Laura Cunningham can suck it,” Eddie says with a grimace. The woman is a complete terror. He’s surprised she doesn’t burst into flames every Sunday when she steps foot into the church.

“She probably was,” Chrissy admits with a shrug.

Eddie groans, “Gross, Chrissy. I don’t want to think about your mom and Carver together.”

“You’d be surprised by the rumours that float around the school,” Chrissy says. He didn’t think she’d have a penchant for gossip. The sly grin on her face tells him she has a treasure trove of secrets stashed away in her beautiful mind. He’ll have to pick her brain later for the latest news.

Eddie snorts. “And I thought I had mommy issues.” He shifts gears and pulls out of the parking lot. “Am I dropping you off at home?” he asks.

“No, I told my parents I’m staying with you tonight.”

The van jerks and Eddie sticks out an arm to prevent Chrissy from smacking into the dashboard. “They didn’t say anything?” His voice pitches high, and the apples of his cheeks tingle.

Chrissy grins. “Oh, my mom had a lot to say about it, but what can she do?” Her face scrunches up as she recalls the memory. “My dad didn’t say much, actually. He only asked for your number and address. Told me to call him when I arrive and in the morning.”

Eddie applies pressure to the gas pedal, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “You said your mom doesn’t let you eat much?” He remembers that he wasn’t the only one who skipped lunch today.

“Yeah, why?” Chrissy asks.

Eddie ignores her question and replies with another. “When was the last time you had a hamburger?”

Chrissy huffs a sigh, lips trilling. “God, not for ages,” she answers, and there’s a distant look in her eyes, a faraway memory of a diner. Before she was forced to wear itchy training bras. When she spent more time outside than in the bathroom and the sour aftertaste of bile didn’t linger in her mouth.

Eddie does a U-turn, barreling down the empty stretch of road. A wicked grin overtakes his face. “We’re gonna stuff ourselves tonight with burgers, fries, and milkshakes. I’m not taking no for an answer. You don’t have to eat all of it, but you can eat as much as you want. Anything you can’t finish will go into the human trash disposal,” and he pats his stomach.

Eddie can’t see, but he can feel the weight of Chrissy’s gaze. “Eddie?” Her voice is meek. He’s ready to turn around and give Laura a piece of his mind.

“Yeah, Princess?” and he lowers the stereo.

“I love you,” Chrissy says. Her long lashes flutter against her glowing cheeks. The moon drapes her in its ethereal light, and Eddie swears he’s driving a goddess in his van. Her eyes glimmer in the darkness like the stars in the night sky. She looks at him with a warmth that rivals a supernova.

Eddie suppresses the urge to whoop, not wanting to disrupt the tender moment. Instead, he feels his cheeks ache as he grins wide. “I love you too, Chrissy.”

“Can I have pickles with my burger?” she asks in a whisper, fingers fidgeting in her lap. Eddie reaches over and places one hand on her thigh, squeezing gently.

“I’ll order a whole jar if that’s what you want,” he replies.

─── ⋆ ｡ﾟ☆: *. ☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡⋆ ───

End Note:

Life has been busy lately, so I haven't been able to write much. Now that this is done, I'm hoping to finish some of the other fics I started for myself.

I hope this tore out your hearts and then smushed the broken pieces back together. *Holds out a box of tissues* For those of you that need some.

I'll see you guys at my next hyperfixation! (。・∀・)ノ

Reblogs are appreciated!

Taglist: @lovecats123451

#eddie x chrissy #hellcheer #edissy #stranger things fic #stranger things #eddie munson #chrissy cunningham #No Upside down AU #Love me some infuriating miscommunication #I loved writing the little bits about Eddie's day #Got a bit carried away with DnD #I can imagine Eddie admiring her eat a burger #His heart swells at how her cheeks resemble a chipmunk #Eddie actually does order a jar of pickles #Much to Chrissy's horror #They bring it back to the trailer like a souvenir

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funface2 · 5 years ago

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110 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners from comedians – iNews

Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present.

Best jokes from comedians

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” – David Letterman

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock

“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s***.” – Stephen K. Amos

“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg

“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld

“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang

“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’” – Eddie Izzard

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” – Alex Horne

(Photo: Pexels.com)

“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett

“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson

“Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?” – Mickey P Kerr

“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney

“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?’” – Peter Kay

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis

100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny)

“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” – Joel Dommett

“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’” – Paul Merton

“Normally you have news, weather and travel. But not on snow day. On a snow day, news is weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre

“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones

“Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day. ‘Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?’ they asked. ‘Would you buy a second-hand car?’ I replied.” – Miles Jupp

“With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work.” – Henning When

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly

“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” – Sarah Millican

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’” – Stewart Francis

Stewart Francis is a master of the one-liner

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall

“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’” – Alan Carr

115 of the best bad jokes

105 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds

“My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans

“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wood

I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper

“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’ The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’ And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’” – Ronnie Barker

“It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.” – Lucy Porter

“If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?” – Dara Ó Briain

“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard

“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” – Greg Davies

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton

“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson

“I’ve been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. Now I can ride a motorbike, how’s that going to help?” – Eric Lampaert

Classic one-liners

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster!

I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He said: “Those are pickled onions.”

A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. It took them two hours to pass the salt.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”

(Photo: Pexels)

I’m in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite – one jar.

I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

51 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding

48 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes

I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: “Did you get my drift?”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.

I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.

Went to the doctors and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

(Photo: Flickr)

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!”

I went to the doctors the other day and he said: “Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu.” So I went – and I got it.

Went to the corner shop – bought four corners.

I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bisatchel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

Cringe-worthy (but amusing) puns

105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.

My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends. He was too clothes minded.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

And some jokes for the kids

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!

What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!

Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moo-vies!

How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

110 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!

Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!

Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore!

Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert? Because she was stuffed.

What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!

What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!

More jokes:

Paul Merton’s 36 best jokes and funniest one-liners from Have I Got News for You 38 of the funniest cat jokes and memes Jeremy Hardy: remembering the comedian’s funniest jokes and quotes 34 of the best Valentine’s Day jokes and funniest one-liners 30 of Michael McIntyre’s best jokes and funniest one-liners Best father of the bride jokes for a wedding speech to remember 100 best Christmas jokes and funniest festive season one-liners 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer’s 41 best jokes and most surreal quotes 30 of the best jokes about Theresa May 25 of Dara Ó Briain’s best jokes and funniest quotes 38 of the funniest Russell Howard jokes The 28 funniest Greg Davies jokes and quotes The best Graham Norton jokes and most scathing put-downs Here are 10 of the funniest jokes written by kids 35 of the funniest jokes by Northern comedians The 31 funniest South Park jokes and quotes 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny) 26 of Seann Walsh’s greatest jokes 16 of Barry Chuckle’s greatest jokes 34 of Lee Evans’ funniest jokes and quotes 30 of Romesh Ranganathan’s funniest jokes and quotes 26 of Sara Pascoe’s funniest jokes and quotes 41 of Eddie Izzard’s funniest jokes and quotes 41 of David Mitchell’s funniest jokes and quotes 21 of Rhod Gilbert’s funniest jokes and one-liners 45 of the funniest 8 out of 10 Cats jokes 41 of Stewart Francis’ most ingenious jokes and one-liners 19 of the funniest World Cup jokes from stand-up comedians 30 of Jack Whitehall’s funniest jokes 43 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes 100 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke 31 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding 100 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds 105 of the best bad jokes 105 of the best clean jokes and one-liners 50 football jokes to make you laugh – or groan 100 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny 25 of Peter Kay’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes 49 of Monty Python’s funniest jokes 45 of Ricky Gervais’ funniest jokes 17 of Ken Dodd’s most ingeniously funny jokes 27 of Sarah Millican’s laugh out loud jokes 50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners 50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Frankie Boyle’s funniest (and darkest) jokes 25 of Charlie Brooker’s most cutting jokes and insults 25 of Lee Mack’s wittiest jokes and one-liners 75 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland – from Scotland

And some hilarious quotes:

29 best Gavin and Stacey quotes and funniest jokes from James Corden and Ruth Jones’ comedy 38 of the funniest Ron Swanson quotes that made Parks and Recreation unmissable 31 Richard Madeley quotes, gaffes and surreal moments that prove he truly is Alan Partridge Valentine’s poems: 32 most romantic quotes from history’s greatest poets 38 of the most darkly funny League of Gentlemen quotes 41 of the funniest quotes from The Good Place about life and death 30 of Stephen Fry’s funniest jokes and quotes Burt Reynolds’ greatest quotes – remembering the actor’s wit and wisdom following his death aged 82 23 of Outnumbered’s funniest (and possibly unscripted) quotes) 35 of Blackadder’s most cunning quips and insults 29 of the most outlandishly funny Mighty Boosh quotes 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes 25 of Rik Mayall’s greatest quotes 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier 25 of the most ‘textbook’ Alan Partridge quotes 50 of the best lines from Peep Show 20 of The Young Ones’ most gloriously silly quotes

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