#Eda’s pirate look has me on the FLOOR

[spineless-lobster]

Omg everyone’s new look in toh is SO GENDER I was watching the ending sequence absolutely vibrating out of my skin just pointing and going “I WANNA BE THEM!!!!”

[brothermoth]

See I need to share my dad's lore because someone needs to study this man like a bug. We plan to donate his body to science so a bunch of medical students can see the most brain damage a person can possibly have without losing major bodily function.

Now, my grandparents moved around a bit when their kids were little, but my dad spent most of his childhood in rural New York and the middle of bumfuck nowhere in a cottage (it's a shack, make no mistake) on the shore of lake Erie. His parents did not know what the fuck he was doing at any given moment. This guy was diagnosed with ADHD in the SEVENTIES. Do you even know how bad he had to be to get diagnosed in the 70s??

He was a menace of a child but his parents put him in tball instead of getting the little bastard some much needed Adderall. He was super athletic all his life (didn't pass those genes on to me, unfortunately) but this also went along with deeply concerning injuries in the way every boy in the 70s had at one point or another.

He has:

-had his EAR ripped almost completely off while playing middle school football — he duck-taped it back on and it just kinda healed itself

-fell into a storm cellar backwards and got knocked out when he was like 5

-been hit in the head by a hockey stick and knocked out

-had his head smash through a wooden door playing floor hockey in gym class

-broke his leg that one time and then tried out for his highschool wrestling team with the cast on (he got on and ended up being captain)

-broke his thumb and didn't tell anyone, then had to have it re broken at the doctor's

-got knocked out in at least 4 fights

-had his knee replaced in his early 30s, drove himself to the gas station to buy a 12 pack, then fell down the stairs with said 12 pack, smashed half the bottles, and popped stitches out

-broken the same toe at least twice; the nail turned black and fell off the first time

-broke his nose falling out of bed like three months ago

-lost a tooth playing hockey

-cut the tip of his thumb off with a hand saw while camping; duck-taped it and continued camping for another 3 days

-has had at least 20 fishhooks caught in his hands

-had Bell's Palsy a few years ago (he was fine he just couldn't eat soup for a while and it was hilarious)

-had too many drinks and burned off his fingerprints on the side of a mini fire pit (the kind that looks like a paint can), laughed about it, and went golfing the next day with huge blisters on his fingers

~~~~~

I'm missing so many. So many. It's a miracle he reproduced. He has so much brain damage but he's fine, he just ignores it.

~~~~~~~~~~Robert's Greatest Hits~~~~~~~~~~

[In Boston] "Oh yeah that used to be an IRA bar. I think I'm still banned for getting into a fight."

"You know my buddy REDACTED? Yeah he got electrocuted once. Almost died, I visited him in the ICU a couple times, he's fine now though."

"I went into a gas station in rural Florida once, super hungover. My buddy went in and came out with tears in his eyes saying don't go in there, so of course I had to. Guy at the counter had a wooden peg leg like a pirate, and there was a nail screwed in. Attached to the nail was a chain and at the end of the chain was a super sickly looking chicken. Weirdest thing I've ever seen, I think."

"You know that plane crash that killed JFK Jr? His girlfriend he was with—i dated her in college."

"Who's that singer? Dupa Loopa or whatever"

~~~~~~Unhinged Information~~~~~~~~

—his childhood babysitter was the actress who now voices Eda from the Owl House (I've met her twice she's very nice. I fell down the back steps of her mom's cottage once)

—He used to bring home water moccasins (y'know, the venomous snakes) and show them to his very terrified mother

—they had a golden retriever named Toby and nobody can remember if she was a boy or a girl

—while cleaning out the basement he found his ID card from the World Trade Center when he went for a business trip...ON AUGUST 10TH OF 2001

—he lived in Boston in his 20s and took a bet while absolutely hammered to run the Boston Marathon, did it hungover and placed like 200-somethingth

—ate a spider by accident one time because he thought it was a bread crumb from his sandwich

—will drive out of his way just to see car accidents

—man's a sympathy vomiter

—will pet literally any animal. If it's small and sweet he's immediately just ready to commit a crime for it

—likes to pick fights with cops but only if they're rude first. He has gone to court to fight 14 dollar parking tickets just out of spite (and somehow he always talks himself out of it)

—swears to god he's seen aliens

—has hardcore puzzle autism. He'll stay up until 1 am just to get 12 more pieces and will finish a 1200 piece puzzle in a day

—also fish autism I swear to God

—you can put this guy in the middle of nowhere and he somehow always knows where north is