#EITHER WAY! they are everything to me. they dig at my brain so much gah i love them

[rosemirmir]

Awake at 4:30 am and thinking about Kitagoro

[the-sunshine-dragon]

1, 4 and 25? For the ask game? (Also morning sunny~✨✨) XDxD

Yup! (Good morning! :D)

1. A few, actually.

I have an NCT fic I'm putting off because I need to do some research on revolutions, politics, and philosophy that would require me to dig through MIT's course archives to look for information and that's brain power (and time) I just don't have right now. I know vaguely how it's going, I have an intro written already, it's probably going to be OT23, even if new members are added over the next couple years (unless I see a really good reason to add them in), but I just don't have the capacity to deal with all of that at this time. I also...am pretty sure this fic is going to want to challenge certain lines of thinking, for better or for worse, just based on the nature of the subject of the fic alone, and I want to do so in a somewhat wise and thought-out manner :P

There's a SKZ fic that I'm also putting off, for similar reasons, but that one I don't think I would need to put as much effort into it, I just need time and brain power to work through it (again).

And then there's my SKZ Magic AU.

There's one particular fic for that series that I've been thinking about since the beginning of that series. Honestly, it's probably going to be the heart of the series. And I know it's going to be a long one since the current idea is for it to span over most of the 1900's. But that one...that fic is going to be a special one and I don't want to mess it up. Plus, again, there's a lot of research that needs to happen (yeah, I'm one of the researcher writers XD), a lot of things to think about, and a lot of brain power needed. Topics will probably be brought up that I want to handle as well as I can and I just want to make sure I do everything as right as possible.

I'm also holding off on writing Minho's fic when he loses his wings cause idk if I'm gonna have that be in the Long Boi fic or its own separate thing, and either way it's gonna be heckin' angsty XD

4. Ha. Haha. Hahaha.

I have enjoyed writing Legolas. In fact, that reminds me I should probably write a Lotr crack fic at some point. Bucket list item of mine :P

25. *dramatic inhale*

Wolia.

Wolia.

Do you know how hard this question is? Because so much of what I'm proud of is in the Ghost!Chan fic that I can't spoil.

Gah, it was so hard to find a snippet. Ugh. :P

"...Or was there something more sinister that lurked between the lines of the article that artfully described the deaths of some twenty-odd young men at the height of their youth, feverish with passion for the fight against the revolution?

But everyone wants a revolution that stands for the rights of the people and fairness among all. So young men, drunk on the knowledge a higher education brought them, should know a revolution propagating such ideals would be good the population as a whole, if the professors were worth their salt and teaching them correctly..."

[that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick]

Rating: G

Word Count: 1.6k

Fake dating, love at first sight, and all that. The basic fluff palate.

A/N: I had no idea what the lyrics to "Hello Stranger" by Stray Kids were until after I wrote the fic, but the title and vibe made me daydream this whole idea up in the car. You're welcome. (Totally would recommend the official MV too, it just doesn't have English subs)

Another day, another heckling. And this time it had to be on a public subway, apparently.

"All I'm saying is, if you're so rich, why do you have to conveniently forget your credit card every single time we all go out for lunch?" Edward narrowed his eyes at Ling.

"Why bring it when I don't expect to be going out to eat?" Ling said airily. "And you're always so generous when it happens unexpectedly."

Edward grunted. "That's an absolute load of bull and you know it. You can't say that you 'just forgot' to bring money because you 'didn't expect it' when I text the group chat 'Who wants to go out for lunch tomorrow?' and you say 'Ooh! Ooh! Me!'" he squealed in a poor imitation of his friend.

"Your girlfriend would love you for it, you know—paying for dates," Ling continued, ignoring Ed's accusations. He gasped. "Oh, that's right! You don't have a girlfriend! Perhaps if you weren't so quarrelsome, you could manage to win the heart of a lady."

"Who are you calling so puny that he's gonna die alone and have weeds all over his grave that no one will bother to pull?" Ed screeched.

Russell finally spoke up from his seat at the end of the row. "Ed, he didn't say anything about your height. He may be a cheapskate, but he didn't make a dig at your height. For once."

"Yeah, that's right! No fair changing the subject, Ling. This discussion was about how you're a little rich boy who always makes his friends pay for his own food," Ed huffed.

"Why quibble over such a minor expense? How expensive could a burger be? Twenty dollars?" The other two boys gaped at Ling, but he only kept going. "Besides, I'm far more interested in the current topic. Edward, you know I care for you deeply—"

"Fat chance."

"—but with your disposition, I doubt you could get a girlfriend if you tried!"

"Now, you wait just a second! You don't know squat about my love life! In fact, I could—"

Out of nowhere, a blonde girl knelt on the seat next to Ed's and slipped an arm around his shoulders.

"Hello, stranger." She winked. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming this way today? I know you're shy about our relationship, but you could have just told them, you know. You don't have to give into their teasing just for me, Eddie-boo."

All three boys gawked at her—Russell and Ling because of the fact that Ed actually had a girlfriend and Ed because of the fact that he didn't. Except now he had to pretend that this strange, hot blonde girl was his girlfriend.

So he choked. Then he recovered just enough to say, "Babe, no. I was just about to tell them. These pea-brains," he glared at them, "barely let me get a word in edgewise. Please believe me, babe."

"Of course I believe you, pretty boy." Her gaze made all coherent thoughts fly from his head. "But even if they are pea-brains, I should probably introduce myself." She tapped his nose. The buzzing feeling lingered long after the tip of her finger left it. "I'm Winry." She beamed at the other two boys. Ed's stomach twisted. He wasn't jealous, was he? He probably just ate something bad at lunch. Maybe Ling slipped something in his burger…

Ling grinned wickedly. "Lovely to meet you, Winry. How did you two meet? It must have been quite a job getting this one to agree to go out with you, what with his charming personality and all."

"Hm, how did we meet, babe? It all happened very gradually—knowing each other's faces, then knowing each other's names, then small talk here and there. Then before you know it, we were having deeper conversations as close friends, and then suddenly, we were dating! He's a real softie once you get him to open up," she said, ruffling his bangs.

"Winry!" He cleared his throat. "Babe, you don't have to tell them everything."

"Oh, man!" Russell guffawed, wiping away a tear. "This girl must have you whipped, Ed."

"Something like that," Ed muttered.

Suddenly, the train lurched and threw Winry forward, her arm around Ed's shoulders directing her course straight for his lap. They stared at each other in panic for a few moments. Then Winry laughed nervously. "Looks like I fell for you, huh, babe?"

Edward slapped his forehead. "Really? Fell for me? That's so terrible, I might break up with you just for that."

"Nah, you like me too much," Winry said, planting a kiss on his forehead.

Edward's face turned a violent shade of red. Pretty girl. Flirting. At him. Dream. It was a dream. Dreams don't have lips with that much detail. Can't look at friends. They'll laugh. Different topic. Periodic table. Periodic tables are simple. Hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryllium…

"Like I said," Russell smirked. "Whipped."

The subway car lurched again as the intercom announced their arrival at the stop, and Ed's arms flew to keep Winry from being thrown again. Just as quickly as he had held her close, he loosened his grip. For a moment, her eyes widened and a faint blush rose on her cheeks. She shifted on his lap.

"This is my stop. Nice meeting you guys!" Winry leaned in to whisper into Ed's ear. "I probably caused you more trouble than I solved. I'm so sorry." She offered him a half smile and slid off his lap.

His legs somehow felt bare without her weight, his arms cold without her warmth. How could he just let her walk away? But how could he just stalk a stranger? Fortunately, all intelligent thought had left him long ago.

"See you guys later! Better priorities have come up than messing around with you losers!"

Edward heard silence, then laughter behind him, but he kept his eyes forward as he followed Winry out into the station. Crap, what had he gotten himself into? He was such an idiot. His idiot mouth and his idiot legs had been faster than his idiot brain and he was about to be in big, big trouble with this really beautiful, really nice stranger. The doors closed behind them.

"Look, I'm really, really sorry. I don't know what got into me. I don't know why I went along with it. I don't just do this sort of thing, it just happened. If there's—" Winry cut Ed off.

"You went along with it because I started it. What were you supposed to do? If anything, it's my fault for putting you in an awkward position. It was gutsy and presumptuous and I should have just let your conversation happen. I don't exactly go around pretending to be random people's girlfriends either. Some weird gut reaction in me just...did it. I...I don't even know what to say for myself. I made you lie to your friends and now you're going to have to tell them that and...I'm. I'm so sorry." She raked her hand into her ponytail and avoided his gaze.

"Can we consider ourselves forgiven, then?"

She met his eyes with a slight laugh. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Good, so...um…are you actually single?" He sighed and mumbled, "man, I don't normally do this," and continued, "Because I'd love to take you out for real if you are." His pulse thundered through every blood vessel in his body while she opened and closed her mouth and blushed. It would be cute if his entire being wasn't vibrating waiting for her response.

"Y–yeah," she breathed.

"Gah," Ed rubbed the back of his neck. "Of course you're not single, why would you be? I mean, look at you—"

"No! No. I'm. I'm not single. I mean! I'm not in a—I don't have a boyfriend."

"Oh."

"I'd...I'd love to go out with you, Edward."

"Wow," he finally managed.

"What?" Winry smiled at him in confusion.

"I really scored big today and I don't even know how." He grinned crookedly. "Was something about my complete lack of competent speech attractive or something? Nobody just agrees to going on a date with a complete stranger. Your name is actually Winry, right?"

She laughed. "Yes, my name is actually Winry. I didn't really have a lot of time to come up with a fake name or anything. As for going out with a complete stranger… I don't know. I just know I can trust you. I figure, why not go for it? And, um. I wasn't entirely joking when I called you 'pretty boy.'" She bit her lip and smiled at her shoes.

Ed's mind blanked for what seemed the billionth time that day. "You're the—you're the pretty one!" he squawked.

"Well, then...if I'm the pretty one, can I be the one to ask you for your number?"

"What?" He wasn't sure whether he'd been shaken out of his mental fog or pushed further into it. "I mean, yes! Um, here it is." He fumbled with his phone and showed her his contact information.

"Thanks." She smiled with all the light the universe could give her. "I'll...see you soon then?"

"Are you busy right now?" Ed blurted out. "Or is taking you out to dinner too soon?"

"Oh! No, not at all. I'm kind of craving Chinese takeout, actually, if that's okay."

"Yeah. Yeah, it's totally okay. Just. One thing." Winry raised her eyebrows in accession. "Never call me 'Eddie-boo' again."

[kurisus]

Chapter 88-2 thoughts

I’m writing this at 6 AM because I CAN’T SLEEP WOO. As mentioned in my snaps, I first read this chapter while in a work call so I’m rereading it now to be able to focus a bit better. Buckle up, this will be long. Spoilers as always.

So Yukine was not necessarily snuggling with the wolves. He was asking them to eat him. I think in all the other bad stuff happening this chapter this detail got overlooked slightly but it’s bad!!!!

Who was the shadow we saw approaching him when he was with the wolves?? Was it trash dad after all? I think it has to be.

really don’t appreciate the Suzuha mention in THE YEAR OF OUR LORD TWO THOUSAND AND TWENTY

Yukine was such a caring brother it makes my heart hurt. Yukine in general makes my heart hurt. How did it end up happening that his mom just left him behind??

so if Fujisaki is telling the truth, we now know the context of Yukine’s death. And somehow, I think this is the most unpleasant revelation to come out of this chapter. Big statement, I know, but it explains...a lot.

Yukine was writing letters to his sister in secret for probably years, and as soon as his dad found out...well, we know the rest. I remember speculating (and a few others did too) why Yukine was barefoot and not struggling in that panel a couple chapters back that showed his final moments. So if he was already beaten enough to warrant hospitalization, that would explain why he wasn’t reacting the way he should have been.

At this point, if trash dad WAS telling the truth, I’d be fine if they didn’t show the actual scene of his death and just left it at that. Which means...we now know everything about Yukine’s time when he was alive. And of course there’s a lot we can say to fill out the gaps, but we have all the most important details. Finding out exactly how he died was the last piece in the puzzle. Aside from his full first name, that is.

Yukine yelling at trash dad to shut up and him continuing on anyway :) we really needed to know his final thoughts were “why?” :) I hate it here :)

I really hate even talking about this, this shit is FUCKED

okay so as far as trash dad is aware, Yukine’s body was still in the fridge. Meaning he had no idea that Yato went to dig it up all those months ago. Meaning Nora never breathed a word about it to him. I don’t really know how to express my feelings on this but thank you Nora. we owe you one. I have a feeling trash dad’s intent was not to give him a proper burial (since he’s all about false shows of kindness), though as to what it was, I cannot say.

I think at this point it’s pretty clear that Yato is the one who gave him a proper burial. When the panel of the empty refrigerator dropped a few months back, the fact that the body was missing struck me as just odd, and I thought maybe Yukine’s dad dug it back up for some sort of weird ritual, but judging by what we know now, that doesn’t seem likely. As soon as people started saying Yato buried him I was smacking my face like “of COURSE that’s what happened duh”

so trash dad is confirmed to drop his body in a very similar way to Hiyori, and we also confirmed that the version of him in the black robe is his spirit form. Nora mentioned his “body” a while back but now we finally got to see it. Is he a half ayakashi?? Is this just something he can do because he’s possessing Fujisaki’s body??? gah Adachitoka I want ANSWERS

Hagusa’s vessel name is just a double whammy. It’s like a horrible inversion of the fact that Yato named Kazuma Kazune. “Kazune” has the double meaning of referring to their time limit as well as being the “Kazu” Yato was already familiar with. With Hagusa, that name refers to a type of grain that looks like rice...in other words, something that appears valuable but is worthless. And now we see the vessel name is Yuuki? Adachitoka galaxy brained to punch me in the face.

SO THE REASON YUKINE DOESN’T HAVE A CELL PHONE IS BECAUSE HE DIED BEFORE THEY WERE INVENTED???? I always thought it was because he didn’t need one since Yato, Hiyori, Kazuma, and Kofuku were really the only people he needed to communicate with. but he seemed really excited to use trash dad’s. I’m in pain.

I’m thinking back to when Hiyori almost asked Yukine how he died way back in the beginning of the manga and trash dad now telling Yukine “Hiyori never wanted to know? I bet she did, since humans always want to pry into other people’s business” you shut your mouth

Speaking of Hiyori all we got of her this chapter was her looking pissed off. When she arrives to the fight I just want her to fuck shit up. She may not have her half ayakashi form but she can still snap trash dad’s neck in half.

Perhaps the reason Yukine didn’t find any news articles about himself was because “Haru” was just a nickname. I find it hard to believe that there was nothing about him going missing, especially since his dad made a fuss with putting up missing person flyers everywhere. There’s no way the police wouldn’t have gotten involved, right?

Either way it doesn’t really matter--his dad never got charged with anything even if he was a suspect, and no one else cared enough to look either.

this is so many levels of fucked

“So even now my father is still killing me” this line. THIS LINE. THIS FUCKING LINE. It’s such a succinct and excellent summary of Yukine as a character--as much as we love our son, the fact remains that he is dead. And he is dead because of his father’s abuse and society’s neglect. So no matter however much he grows and changes in the afterlife, it cannot change that his life was cut short far too soon, and everything good that happens to him is overshadowed by the fact that it’s indirectly because of his nasty father. And he got away with it. I can’t.

Before this chapter came out I speculated we’d want to strangle Yukine’s dad even more than we already did. and I was right. but holy shit this line was a kick in the gut while I’m still recovering from “that boy loved people”

Yukine loved people too....he loved people and they turned their backs on him BUT HE NEVER GAVE UP ON LOVING!!! IT JUST TOOK A DIFFERENT SHAPE. FUCK.

So Father knows someone visited the fridge. I wonder if he’s figured out that it was Hiyori yet. I just want her to snap him like a twig. it’s what he deserves.

Father also doesn’t care about Yukine, like, at all (we been knew), to the point he couldn’t even realize the only blond character in this fucking manga now has black hair. MAN. that just says a lot about him, huh.

Are we going to find out whether one of his parents was foreign?? He and Yuka are both noticeably light-haired and it hasn’t been addressed aside from Yukine’s hair color changing.

The hair color change was the only spoiler I saw before the chapter came out and it’s been haunting me ever since. I thought initially Yukine dyed his hair while trash dad was out, but now I wonder if the dark hair is his vessel form? Fujisaki summoned him before leaving, so I don’t know. He does look like his bird ayakashi form with having clawed hands as well.

I remember seeing speculation that trash dad generally tells the truth. well as of this chapter we know he’s a fucking liar. Hiyori left that flower, and I think it will end up being important in the long run when Yukine realizes that she’s the only human who truly cares about him.

Whether trash dad has been telling the truth about other things remains to be seen. We still don’t know how he got out of Yomi, if that’s really what happened to make him immortal. But this lie about the flower seems to be a white lie. He could have just said he didn’t know. If he so readily lied about this, who’s to say he hasn’t been lying about other things too, you know?

Yukine destroying the fridge would normally make me be like good for her.jpeg but since the context is him with trash dad I actually hate it

Since Yukine is now so eager to meet his dad I can’t shake the feeling that he’s dead. It would be the perfect gut-punch for him to demand why his father killed him, only to find out that he’s dead (and maybe even that YATO did it...which would only add more fuel to the fire....fuck) and never get to resolve his turmoil.

I’ve been on the fence about whether Yukine’s dad is still alive but based on this chapter I’m putting my bets on “he’s dead and Yato killed him back in the early manga because that would cause the most suffering at present and that generally seems to be the route Adachitoka takes.”

Like, yeah, if Yato did it it was to protect Yukine, but that doesn’t matter when he’s already so pissed off at Yato.

Yato only fired on trash dad because he didn’t know that it was Yukine with him. And Yukine is again thinking that Yato is trying to hurt him. This chapter is also a horrible inversion of...was it 83-2? where Yato tried to kill trash dad and Yukine stopped him? Except now this time it’s not because Yukine wants answers, it’s because he’s pissed at Yato and loyal to trash dad.

Yato was also a fool for thinking sniping trash dad from afar would work, especially when it didn’t even work the first time.

So now the thing I’ve been working up to talking about throughout these many, many words: Hagusa’s vessel form is...himself. He is the weapon. This is such a wonderful (and terrible) narrative choice I’m delighted by where it will take us physically and metaphorically, but obviously it hurts. A lot.

Yuuki being himself the weapon that trash dad fights Yato with for what may be their final showdown is such a fitting culmination to his character arc in this section of the story. (when trash dad said he would turn him into a weapon I DIDN’T REALIZE IT WAS LITERAL)

This is also a good choice art-wise because it means even more pain with seeing Yukine physically fighting Yato rather than Yato and trash dad fighting with swords or something.

So Yato met with Yuka before (it was a flashback, as many people pointed out to me after I goofed last month lmao) but whether that was earlier today or further in the past remains to be seen. I hope he told her to get out because it seems like trash dad is heading into her house while Yato and Yukine face off.

well. “face off” is maybe an exaggeration. Yato will not be able to fight Yukine at all and I’m anticipating he gets the shit kicked out of him, again, while he tries to make him see reason. bro. I hate this. I really, really hate this. This final fight is going all the ways I knew it would, but hoped it wouldn’t.

Hiyori and Nora come help please

July can’t come soon enough

I’m pretty sure this is my longest thoughts post ever. so much happened and I have so many feelings about all of it.

[lihikainanea]

I’m very stressed and sad tonight and the thought of Bill wrapping his arms around Tiger as she tirelessly works. Her eyes hurt from being open, he can see it on her face, and she tries fighting it until she just falls into his embrace. He lifts her up to snuggle in bed but she has trouble asking for him to just wreck her. She paws at him and whimpers, trying to get him to realize she needs it.

I see you baby, I do. And god, I need this so badly too.

The thing with this weird time is there are a lot of people trying to keep business as usual when business is anything but usual. As a lucky one who kept her job (for now), I can tell you--I love my job, but this is a lot. I worked a ton anyway, but we’re operating with 30% of the staff we used to, when the workload increased by about 200%. And all that aside, there’s also not adequate attention being paid--for anyone, really--to the mental aspect this all has. What if you have elderly or at-risk parents, siblings? What if you’re part of the risk group? What if home is not a safe place for you to be, and suddenly you’ve been stuck there for 7 weeks?

Even if you hit the proverbial jackpot and you don’t have any major stressors--you’re not at risk, your family is healthy, your home life is okay. That’s still 7 weeks so far that you are robbed of your social network. 7 weeks that you can’t see your friends, can’t hug people, can’t see your family. And these things seem trivial, but to someone who puts a huge emphasis on them--man, it’s a major thing. We are all dealing with so much, no matter where on that spectrum you fall, and it has a huge impact on our attention span, our ability to concentrate, our ability to be productive. How we are being expected to carry out even the most usual of tasks at full capacity is beyond me, because as humans, ain’t none of us operating at even like 60% right now. Mentally, physically, emotionally--whatever.

And tiger has had a lot with work, sure. But this time, it’s...it’s something more. Bill knows his girl, he knows her tough shell exterior but also knows that it’s ultimately because she’s so sensitive. She has a hard time with chaos, with uncertainty, with this constant influx of pain and heightened emotion and stress and anger and anxiety that she seems to feel from the entire world. She absorbs all of it, whether she realizes it or not, and she’s so susceptible to energies that Bill always has to be careful, do a little vibe check before he goes to get her for something, because if he’s uptight or worried then she’s going to take that on too and he doesn’t want that.

And I just...gah, I low key love this. Because sometimes tiger just needs the snuggles--Jesus sometimes she’ll push him away, and get angry. Snap that she just needs to finish this if he could stop being so overbearing about it all. But Bill knows she’s nearing her breaking point when she just...stops fighting. And it always breaks his heart a bit, because tiger is fiery. She’s hell on wheels, she’s feisty and always angry and he loves her fire. So when all of it leaves her--when she just has no more fight in her--it always makes him a little sad, and a whole lot worried, because it means she’s breaking. But on the other hand, he’s always a little...relieved, too. Because it means she’ll finally let him in a bit more, and he can care for her the way she needs it.

There’s always lots of snuggles. When she breaks, she just wants his touch--because it’s reassuring. It’s comfort in its purest form, and she just curls into him and doesn’t leave his side. And Good Dude Bill--y’know, Bill always offers it up. Because snuggling is great but sometimes tiger needs something more meaningful, something a little deeper (no pun intended), a little closer. And he’ll be soft about it, it’ll be slow and god almost tantric, man sometimes he even has a way of checking if she wants more by like, non-verbal cues. My mind needs a moment for that one, because it’s so sweet. Sometimes he’ll ask outright, and she’ll answer. But sometimes too, sometimes maybe he’ll trail a finger along her collarbones, a little further down her sternum, and his eyes will flick to hers. Searching, gauging. Sometimes she’ll just curl into his chest more--and that’s a no, she doesn’t need more, she just wants...this. But sometimes she’ll chew her bottom lip, her eyes all wide, and she’ll flit her gaze to his. She has trouble holding his stare, but she tries--and that’s a yes. That’s a yes, please, and Bill is taking care of it.

And if she needs something soft, that’s great. But you know what the thing about such a strong, constant influx of emotions is?

It actually makes you numb.

We’ve all been there, right? You feel, you feel so much, you feel too much, and eventually in a last ditch effort of self-preservation--your brain shuts off. Walks away. Makes you numb, apathetic, you literally just don’t feel anything anymore. You can’t. And a lot of people turn to some form of pain when that happens, whatever that looks like for you. It might be drugs. It might be alcohol. it might be rage. I know for me, it was actual...physical pain. Physical pain, being hurt, made me feel something again, and man it was a rush. I did dangerous things that I won’t mention because they’re triggering, but I can mention that fighting and martial arts still gives me that high that I need when I go numb. Punching things that punch back even harder--that pain broke through to me, and it’s a rush every time.

In any case, sometimes when tiger’s numb she needs...that. She needs something a little rougher, she needs Bill to just really let loose. Ravish her, destroy her, turn her into a crying, gasping, oversensitive heap to the point where she can’t even speak anymore. But for someone who is numb, who is just so over everything, that’s a really hard thing to ask for, isn’t it? Tiger can’t even tell him when she’s hungry or when she wants a hug, so she probably has a hell of a time letting it slip that she wants him to fuck her senseless until she almost uses her safe word.

But look, she can give him enough of a confirmation that when he brushes his thumb across her lips softly, when he kisses that sweet spot on her neck--she can let him know that yep, she wants more. She needs it. I just think it might all kind of almost go to shit from there, because Bill is being so gentle, so slow, trying to really prolong it for her--and that’s not at all what tiger needs.

She probably gets a little frantic about it, whines a bit. Bill’s used to it, she always gives a little whine when she needs it real bad, so he doesn’t pay it too much attention. But tiger is steadfastly working herself into a bit of a meltdown, because she’s not getting what she needs and it’s not at all Bill’s fault because he doesn’t know that she needs something else. 

But then she starts clawing at him, starts being a little more panicked in her movements--digging her nails into his back and he grits his teeth as she rakes them down, but then she....sobs. She lets go a loud, choking sob as she hooks a leg tighter around him, tries to pull him forward and crush him into her, and she’s starting to wheeze.

“Alright easy kid,” he says calmly--always so calm, because tiger definitely isn’t.

“No more?” he asks, stilling his movements, “Do you want to stop?”

But that’s like, way worse. And tiger gets even more frantic, starts to thrash and buck her hips up, her fists grabbing at the sheets. Bill clues in that maybe she wants the opposite.

“Rougher?” he tries, and tiger doesn’t nod but she does settle. He places a big hand on her throat, presses down just a tad, and Jesus--tiger melts. Just goes absolutely fucking boneless on the mattress. Bullseye.

“Tiger,” he snaps, and she closes her eyes in relief at the stern tone, “Harder?”

She sighs deeply, and Bill knows she’s already starting to float. She lets go the faintest nod, pushing her throat up more into his hand for pressure, and grabs for him again. He gets it, he won’t make her say it or ask for it.

But Jesus, does he ruin her. And he doesn’t stop until she’s crying, until she’s just a twitching mess beneath him, covered in sweat and come. Tiger won’t safe word when she’s like this because in all reality she’s not in her right mind, and she has no idea when her body's had enough and can’t take it anymore--so Bill has to keep a real watchful eye over her, and he has to be the one to end their night when he judges that she can’t take anymore. She can’t even speak, she can barely move, and Bill is just...man, Good Dude Bill is exhausted. He learned awhile ago that tiger gets really physically sensitive after a night like that, and a bath or shower would feel like fire on her skin even if it was cool. So he takes his time, talks her down from it, waits until she’s breathing at least a little normally. He’ll pick her up gently and bring her to the bathroom to get a washcloth, because she can’t handle any distance when she’s like this either.

I kind of love this visual too that maybe he sits her up in bed, scoots behind her so she can lean her back on his chest, and just gently swipes the wet rag all over her. He does it this way because he can give her his thumb like this, and she settles more as he cleans her up. She’ll still definitely flinch as he presses the cool cloth between her legs, because she’s so sensitive.

“Sorry kid,” he mumbles in her ear, “But I really made a mess on you. Just cleaning you up.”

She probably passes out on him like that, and Bill kind of just scoots as far down as he can, keeping her on his chest.

[wackygoofball]

Gwenspiration: The Wacky Version Vol. 3 - The Moodboards

So, here I go again parading myself and tooting like there is no tomorrow.

As people still brave enough to follow me on Tumblr will know, I do a lot of moodboards, or at least I call them such. Others call them collages or storyboards or pictures with random text. Either way, for me, moodboards became a neat tool to somehow capture story ideas not yet anywhere near a level that I could write fic about them - or serve as inspirations for fics I am actually writing.

And it gives me opportunity to hoard unhealthy amounts of Gwen and Nik pics, in the name of moodboards. And science. And stuff. Whoozah!

So yeah, in this post, I want to share some of my personal favorites. A lot of them actually, because I can’t decide, really.

I will start off with a group of moodboards which took inspiration from the Marvel universe, since the Marvel universe was my gateway into the more active parts of fandom.

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An all-time fave is the Iron Man AU... I mean, what not to love about a JB AU with Jaime as sassy Tony Stark and Brienne as the not-taking any shit from you army doctor, am I right? But yeah, seriously, Jaime *is* the Tony Stark of the GOT universe, and I can’t be convinced otherwise. And neither should be you.

Also, the Iron Man suits just totally fit the color scheme for both, which made creating the moodboards all the better for me. Jaime and Brienne were made for armor, now in medieval or modern times, let’s not kid ourselves.

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Another Marvel fave has got to be Captain Westeros. Because if there is a female GOT Version of Steve Rogers, it’s gotta be Brienne of fuckin’ Tarth. This one is really close to my heart because it gave me a lot of feels coming up with plot bunnies for it, and the tragedy of those two people missing each other in time over and over again, always trying to protect one another, only to end up on opposite sides because of the machinations of others... *sigh*

And I mean, one guy loses an arm. The other is blond and strong... I don’t make the rules but this delivers me enough material to re-imagine this as a JB AU... so yeah, I do kinda make the rules after all. Anyway.

Since I realized that this post’s gonna get even looooonger, I decided to make a cut here and put the rest below, so not to have you scrolling for five hours.

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Although it’s not the most popular moodboard amongst my followers (you brave people, I can’t parade you enough for staying through the madness lol), I really, really love that Fantastic Four moodboard and the concept behind it. And I just know a lot of effort went into making Valyrian Steel Brienne, which took all of my three computer editing skillz brain cells. But yeah, here again, I liked to play with the idea of them not admitting to their love until shit hits the fan and then they hide behind that because... drama, angst, feels, pining, yadda.

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And we go from Marvel to DC little quick. Because Brienne is, most certainly, a Wonder Woman. Nuf said.

Now, let’s move on to other big movie franchises that give me all the JB feels:

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Jurassic Park (aka Valyrian Park) evidently holds a special place in my heart because JB fighting dinosaur-dragon hybrids and kicking ass while being disbelieving about what was bred out in Valyria thanks to some certain someones to rescue Brienne’s adoptive daughter Arya is just... a thing? For me anyway.

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More down memory lane, I don’t know how often I watched the LOTR movies, suffice to say it was a lot a lot. We had the extended versions DVDs of the first two and basically it was the one thing to watch when nothing was on (which was the case a lot). Either way. JB in MIddle Earth long after the days of Frodo et al. - why? Because I just loved the idea (and aesthetic) of Jaime as a ranger and Brienne as a knight of Gondor working in disguise. And Hobbipod. I mean, Pod as a Hobbit. Come the fuck on. And Tyrion as an asshole wizard. What could possibly go wrong? This moodboard was very time-consuming as I had to do a lot of edits (pointy ears, tiny up people, smudge Brienne’s face on a lot of Boromir and Faramir images, smudge Jaime’s face on a lot of Aragorn images, you name it). So yeah. No matter its popularity... I dig it. Despite not having read the books yet (I know, shocking), I continue to ogle at the idea and go like: Must. Write. But. Must. Resist. Either way. Mood.

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So yeah, I grew up watching these movies a lot, too (I grew up watching a lot of TV, period). And when Gwen was cast as Captain Phasma, I got a lot of JB juices flowing as a result. Mehe. I found it was a fun idea to play with, to basically *kill* Phasma so *Brienne* can come into play and assume her identity. And a rundown Jedi!Jaime who’s lost faith in himself and everything else safe for his partner in crime/resistance is just... I needz. So you gotta cope with it. I still adore this concept a lot even if others may not. :)

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This one’s just... gah. Feels. And I really liked the color scheme lol. And I watched Horse Whisperer A LOT. Because of feels. And horses. And Honor is a horse and he deserved better than be barbecued at Highgarden, dammit.

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The No Reservations AU definitely has to be in this post because I live for this dynamic. Brienne taking care of the girls, not knowing how, though, constantly doubting herself while always trying to be perfect and composed, not just in life but on the job as well. And Jaime being the laid-back guy who’s just a darn good chef but may carry his own baggage of problems that keep him from his happy ending story is just... mah jam.

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This one was a lot of fun to do because you don’t really think about Erin Brockovich when you say Brienne of Tarth in terms of character. But when you scratch away the boob jokes and the differences in where they come from, what you find are two hard-working women who fight for justice, so I found that close enough. And it was excuse enough for me to go down the lane of biker!Jaime because... dayum.

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Music and Lyrics is an all-time guilty pleasure romcom of mine. It’s so light and easy and I kind of love how everyone is basically a bunch of awkward losers. All the more perfect for Jaime as a singer (we need that in our lives after the infamous video Nik was in to sing to us about global warming...) and Brienne as the unexpectedly gifted songwriter. What I like about the moodboard per se is how the color scheme turned out because it’s all warm and bright and... makes me happy.

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Very much in contrast to the former stands this one. I still love the overall mood of it and I dig the story idea because I dug both The Prestige and The Illustionist because they presented something dark yet very different, which made it all the more appealing to put into a moodboard for me. While not the most well-known moodboard of mine, I keep going back to it time and time again to basically lust at all the illusions and magic and drama. And blue butterflies.

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What is there not to love about a Pacific Rim AU for JB, am I right? Right?! JB ain’t just compatible when it comes to the Drift, yo, that’s all I’m gonna say. Reasons why I like the moodboard a lot is that it’s very different, flashy colors, gigantic robots, and I was mostly alright with how the edits turned out. It is tough to get images that fit the angles, yo.

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Jumping back in time once more, I really adore this one even though it’s not one of my popular moodboards. I dug the fusion of elements from Cinderella Man while granting Brienne as the female lead more space to develop as a character and make her a badass sniper nurse who is about to get her doctor’s degree. And Jaime doing anything to make it work because he owes her a debt (and his love) by boxing his way to their shared life is just... nice.

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Another supposedly lesser known moodboard is this one, though I really adore it for its premise and the amount of work I put into it (all the giffing and moodboarding). I also found use for that image of Gwen with what looks like the veil of a nun, which was probably what had me inspired in the first place lol. The plot bunnies revolve less around Se7en and more the novel El ùltimo Catón (2001) because it has a nun solving a mystery revolving around Dante’s works. But Se7en gives us the Seven, which is a delicious parallel too hard to ignore. For me at least. If only I knew how to write crime, dammit.

Now, to  move more into the serial (smooth transition from serial killer to serial TV shows, I know, I know) way of life, here is some moodboards inspired by TV shows (although some have since gotten movies which I also took inspiration from... yadda):

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Childhood memory galore. I spent many weekends watching The A-Team with the whole family. When the movie came out, I was happy about the feels it gave me (and the “you spin my head right round” scene still cracks me up more often than it should). Either way. I found it absolutely necessary for Jaime to be Face, for Tyrion to be Hannibal, for Bronn to be B.A. and cuss at everyone and everything and Brienne giving us the strangest genderbend of a Howling Mad Murdock. It added some angst, which I always need because I am a thirsty hoe for it. In case no one noticed yet. Ha.

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This one is very remotely inspired by The Bletchley Circle and the Imitation Game (because both feature encryption and one features Charles Dance already, yo.) I just really dug the idea of Brienne being so good at this because she is such a straight thinker but being underestimated because “she a woman.” And of course her not being done just encoding messages but getting into action, very much to the dismay of the stupid soldier wanting to defend the bae from harm. What could possibly go wrong? Right. A lot.

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Then. Elementary. Let me count the ways in which I love that show... ALL THE WAYS. And I really dig it as a JB AU. I have so many thoughts and feelings, I can’t even begin to tell you. I especially had my fun basically making Jaime Sherlock without making him really Sherlock because that guy was the one who taught him how to be an investigator before disappearing and fucking up his life for bad. And Brienne as the army doctor turned sober companion turned private investigator turned love interest is just too delicious to ignore.

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Pants down I mean hands down, this may be the actual favorite (currently) amongst them all for the plain reason that I also grew up watching that series and still watch it and keep obsessing about it. Ever since Discovery launched and has since given me both joy and grief, I found myself intrigued by the premise of a JB Star Trek AU where Brienne would be standing *with* the Klingons during the war around the time Discovery takes place, and Captain Jaime Lannister having lost far too much to this war already to truly trust anyone, even less so a woman who ran to the Klingons, for what it seems.

You would not believe how many ideas I have for a fic based on it. You wouldn’t believe that I basically have a sequel to that fic already in mind. And you would definitely believe, knowing me, that I am nowhere near writing that fic. But a fangirl can dream and moodboard, right? The moodboard was such a fun way of going about it, not only for the edits but because I could sneak some secret Klingon messages in there. :)

Now, on to the last part, which are the moodboards not inspired by movies or TV shows primarily but really just spewed out of my wacky, wacky brain:

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This has a special place in my heart because it combines military and the traumas it comes with for JB and.... the aesthetic of farming. And both finding a kind of peace they didn’t know they were looking for as they struggle to adjust and find their way back “to normal” after the horrors they have both seen in war. And did I mention the aesthetic? And Jaime in plaid? All dirty and sweaty? Do I have to say more?

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Why this one? Because it combines angst and romance and falling in love twice because DESTINY. And paintings. I love me my artist AUs. So that was my go at it, combining it with the “mystery” to be uncovered about what history Jaime and Brienne actually share as he tries to put his memories back together.  Also. This moodboard gave me opportunity to try out new filters and create JB paintings. :)

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This one’s gotta be on the list since I also added the Horse Whisperer. Now it’s Dog Whisperer Jaime and Brienne who won’t give up on her dog who’s seen some shit in the warzone (as did she, but Brienne will put it all aside for her doggish best buddy, of course). While it’s not a very popular moodboard of mine, I really enjoy the premise of it and how the dynamics can so easily change between the two of them if you see it in comparison to the Horse Whisperer AU. Also. I just really think Jaime is a total pet person.

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Another lesser known moodboard, I’d assume, but I really dug the premise of it (still do), and it was intriguing to do some edits to make Jaime’s hand *truly* golden lol. With people having developed strange mutations which aren’t nearly as much fun as they are in Fantastic Four AUs. What I liked about it was the idea that Brienne would have a kind of mutation/ability that links to the mind, since she is such a physically strong fighter that she may rather rely on that than on her own mind, fearing that she cannot control that with discipline the same way she can train her body with it. What unites the two is their strong wish to protect the people in their care, in a world on the verge of collapse forcing two unexpected allies together (okay, I totally expected it, but they didn’t). Either way. Much love for this one. :)

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Aaaand the last one (not of all the ones I made but the ones I picked for Gwenspiration). I really, really, really adore this one because I was so happy with how the aesthetic turned out and how the colors all match. And I dig the premise. Like holy moly do I dig it deep. Jaime and Brienne both serving in military, but on different fronts, and almost accidentally ending up writing each other letters? I mean... the PINING. And Brienne having to decipher Jaime’s chickenscratch. Yeah no, but for real. I just love the idea so much. That they are both committed to the cause while also yearning for a home, for peaceful times, for sweet, sweet love. And them meeting up and acting like stupid teenagers, only for drama to keep hitting because. It’s eh me angsty Wacky.

Either way. I dig the premises of a lot of my moodboards (in fact... basically all of them or else I wouldn’t be making them, I guess). I spared you listing all of them, though I listed a whole damn lot already. Moodboards are an awesome means for me personally to visualize and (re-)imagine. And since quite a few people seem to continue to be onboard with them, I am all the happier to keep making them.

That’s all for today.

Much love! ♥♥♥

*flies away*

[i-w-p-chan]

so, here is that Third Phase Backstage (a.k.a extra details and the fic’s background) + I.W.P-chan’s comments while writing it (all taken from my PMs to @onceabluemoonwrites also, long post is looooong): 

Do you read Hanahaki AUs? when I do, I wonder about technicalities of the AU like the mental and emotional drawbacks of the surgery. 

I’m still hung on the ‘emotional and mental drawbacks of the surgery’ I really need to find a decent post-surgery fic. all of the fics I passed focus on getting the disease, suffering through it and then being cured/dying. none of them really talks about how it would feel to wake up only to find a part of you empty from feelings. 

I’ve passed a Hanahaki AU again and it made me think. I really want a Hanahaki AU (with ‘the disease takes a couple of years before hitting critical stage’ idea) where a person A discovers they have Hanahaki and realizes who the person they have unrequited love for is, and then proceeds to court them.

why do the Hanahaki AUs have to be about gearing up to the confession? are there any out there where the one with the Hanahaki tries to court their love interest? where they try to build a relationship of romantic nature with their love interest to have a better chance with them instead of just putting on the spot with a confession?

I think that would be good?

(bonus: “You know, I used to have Hanahaki.” choke “wHAT?!”)

I truly want the Hanahaki fics I talked about (the post-surgery fic and teh courtship fic) and so my brain started to come up with an idea to mix the two of them with 0027. the two of them meet when one of them is visiting the hospital for the surgery while the other is there for a reason or the other (I haven’t decided yet), they keep meeting up even after the surgery, with the latter helping the former get over the post-surgery Feels (still don’t know what to call them) and ends up getting Hanahaki himself, deciding to court the other after he gets better.

I’m thinking Tsuna is the one who has Hanahaki and takes the surgery, Enma develops Hanahaki later.

Remember the 0027 Hanahaki AU I said I wanted to write? I’ve been thinking about it and Mami surprisingly shoved her way in (and opened up a doorway for me to use to make Tsuna and Enma interact. but this threw a shade of Anyone Can Have Hanahaki in the fic)

Support groups for people with Hanahaki are a thing. Mami also has Hanahaki, she’s in love with her friend who is aromantic, this friend is the one who convinced her to join a support group. there, Mami meets Tsuna who is already half-convinced to take the surgery. Tsuna’s choice to do it convinces her to do it herself. that’s how Enma meets Tsuna: Mami insists on visiting Tsuna the day before the surgery (and then many times after the surgery) and Enma takes her. some time later, when it’s Mami’s turn for the surgery, it’s Tsuna’s turn to visit. Mami successfully undergoes the surgery, Tsuna is around helping her get back to her feet, and Enma realizes ‘holy shit I love him’ (let’s give Enma kudos for hiding the fact he has Hanahaki from two people who had it before and his own family).

the fic is probably going to contrast three cases (Tsuna: hopeless, unrequited love, object of affection never considered him in a romantic light and not even around anymore, possibly via either death or traveling. Mami: hopeless, unrequited love, object of affection is aromantic but is highly supportive of her and cares deeply about her, is there every step pf the way towards the surgery and after. Enma: not hopeless, unrequited love, object of affection is around and on good terms with him, possibility of having his love requited). if I can do the contrast in my writing.

if I wanted to slip in any mafia/Vongola-related things into it and had the chance, this is what happened with the Vongola: Nono goes senile some years before Tsuna is born and decides to step down and give the boss position to Enrico (this is the reason the mafia as a whole declared Timoteo senile, like, who in their right mind would put ENRICO in charge?), Enrico digs a bit into Vongola history and finds out about the Shimon. he is hit with Feels and decides to renew the Vongola-Shimon connections (”let me enjoy a new OTP pseudo-getting together” in reference to GiottoCozart). Deamon tries to pull some shit but Enrico is fueled by shipping power (and ship hate, eh’s still smarting from those Deamon/Ricardo shippers okay?) and successfully gets rid of Deamon. no one really wants to know how it happened.

(and there, right there, is clearly all the evidence needed to tell you that all the madness comes from the mafia. just look at how different the mafia half and the hanahaki half are)

How gay do you think Enma is for Tsuna? if I can do it in the narrative flow, Enma’s first thought about Tsuna in Third Phase will be: ‘that guy has Hanahaki? who wouldn’t want THAT?’ like, Enma, tone it down, you’re making me want to put it in when I’m not sure if I’ll be able to fit it in

(extra: Enma’s inner Mami would metaphorically bash him on the head right after those thoughts, “Hanahaki is about ROMANTIC love not lust!” Enma’s reaction thoughts are like “but two years are enough to grow to love someone, right? right.” it would be a nice foreshadowing for when Enma gets Hanahaki himself.)

me: how should I write Third Phase? me: Enma sees Tsuna and basically goes ‘well, fuck me’ what more do you need?

me @ self: Third Phase is supposed to be about the contrast between the various Hanahaki cases! not about Enma falling in love with Tsuna! self: AHAHAHAHAHA self: you innocent child. give in to the 0027. you know you want to. me: ...damn... you... gah.

I made kind of a differentiation between how far along Tsuna, Mami and Enma are in their Hanahaki. Enma stays in the early stages before it’s gone, so he doesn’t cough a lot of times, OR a lot of petals. not much blood and no flowers. breathing is only slightly labored. Mami is in the middle stages, coughs regularly during the day but not with a lot of petals (and the occasional flower) and blood, gets bad episodes from time to time where she basically coughs too much and ends up vomiting. her breathing gets labored easily but not enough that she ends up winded after a 5 or 10 minute walk. Tsuna is in the final stages with the worse condition, he coughs a lot with a lot of petals/flowers and blood. must take care to do things carefully and to not strain himself else he’ll have episodes just as bad as Mami’s but on more regular basis, his voice is quiet and hoarse as a result.

I really wanted to expand a bit on the Hanahaki to incorporate it in a more... detached? fashion. like, not focusing on handling the hanahaki like the other fics I read (either by character death or confession-then-discovery-of-mutual-love), but do EVERYTHING except confessing. Tsuna is in the most dangerous state between the three (a bad enough episode with no one around to get him help and he’ll be gone) but he doesn’t die, his love-interest is the one who is ALREADY dead. Mami has no chance even if she confessed because her love interest is Aro. Enma doesn’t confess and decides to take matters into his own hands by wooing his love interest.

Enma is lost like, ‘I want to text Cute Guy but how do I do that? how do you text people you think are cute? what is texting? he’s currently agonizing on the couch. Mami is not there to laugh at him, at least. small mercies.

*coughgooglehowdoyoutextcuteguys?cough*

there is now a Tsuna protection squad. Mami is in it adn Enma wonders where he can sign up.

also, Enma is Gone. he keeps being swung about two extremes ‘is he smitten or is this just a passing crush’ he doesn’t know and neither does the author.

on a scale of 1000 to 1000,000, how much do you think Tsuna’s friends will mind if Tsuna dragged Enma to his bedroom for cuddles post-surgery

I don’t know how to write post-surgery!Tsuna. Hibari and Mukuro are clearly the Harbingers of Crack. Things Escalate (That’s What You Call Jumping On A guy You’ve Only Met Last Week And Demanding Cuddles). new definition of being petty: someone sends you cookies that suck and you give all of them to that someone’s love interest. Enma discovers hidden maternal instincts of ‘I MUST FEED HIM’

Hanahaki Fic, I.W.P-chan Style

*squints at screen* is this what they call romance fiction?

help what is even romance fiction I don’t know how to write anymore and the supposed cuddle session doesn’t even happen it moves onto talk about how bad Mami’s cookies were which moves onto talk about Fuuta and holy hell I had no idea that when I popped Mami in as a way to link Tsuna and Enma that she would be ENMA’s link in, and that TSUNA’s link in would be FUUTA. just like Enma is a Concerned Big Brother and is Very Glad his sister has Tsuna in her life, Tsuna is Very Glad his brother’s friend’s family doesn’t hold a grudge against him for Mami’s Hanahaki.

holy shit me, why is this so detailed you need to focus more on Tsuna’s post-surgery state isn’t that one half of why you wanted to write the fic in the first place?

have I mentioned how dramatic Enma is being? also, teh saying ‘tthe way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’ holds true for him. and apparently, mama Kozato’s cooking is heavenly while papa Kozato’s coffee is to die for. adn I just wrote 500 words starring hungry!Enma promising his soul over for Tsuna in gratitude for the food. help?

I just realized that in Third Phase, Enma lowkey has hints of a sister complex stemming from the attempted murder on her when she was little... it explains so fucking much...

500 words later and how much more Smitten can Enma fucking be?????!!!!! I’m serious, I thought the conversation on the first not-very-official date would be awkward but Enma went for the fucking jugular and semi-confessed and I’m trying to keep up with how fast things are going. I wonder why the heck things/places that appear once before in the fic get to reappear. and Enma flipped a fucking switch: once he realized that he was in love with Tsuna he can no longer go a page without reiterating the fact and being smitten over Tsuna.

I’m just... I’m just suffering. quietly. while writing in a fucking rush while trying to keep up.

I wanted Tsuna and Enma to take their time. maybe at least take a month before Tsuna realized what Enma felt for him. but nOPE. it’s all Enma’s fault. you just don’t tell someone what he said to Tsuna and look at them the same way and expect them not to realize that there’s something not exactly platonic happening.

I thought the visit to Shimon Island will go by pretty uneventful but guESS WHAT? ENMA AND TSUNA TOLD ME TO GO FUCK MYSELF AND PROCEEDED TO PLAY IN THE WATER AND LEAD UP TO MOMENTS(TM) AND NOW WE’RE ABOUT TO HAVE TSUNA WEARING ENMA’S CLOTHES APPROX AT LEAST SIX MONTHS EARLIER THAN I EXPECTED.

F R I C K

I’m reading what I last wrote for Third Phase and I found out that I can’t write pining for shit...

while writing Third Phase, i keep getting flashes of ‘am I reaching the end at last?’ but then the fic goes ‘SIKE we still have more to go’

holy shit. wait. wait. wait. am I actually... really truly about to write the ending scene? *kneels on the floor* oh my god I though it was going to drag on some more.

I... I... excuse me while I sob as I write the final scene...

how much of a bad author would I be if I told you that I never intended to write the entirety of 0027 dating and the moment Enma’s hanahaki fades away and that I decided from the start that the final scene will be post-time skip post-Enma’s hanahaki recovery with established 0027?

[theclacks]

Angel Thoughts - (S4 E15-E18)

I can pretty much sum up my thoughts on these episodes by saying that Connor is officially, unequivocally, 100% objectively...

Okay. Okay. In all seriousness, these were probably the best crop of episodes in season 4 so far (thanks in no help to either Connor or Angel). So let’s dig in shall we?

BtVS & AtS Recap Master Post located here

Episode 15 (Orpheus)

My favorite episode of the bunch. Probably because of combined Faith and Willow power. Both of them just showin’ up to the club like “wham bam, thank you, ma’am.”

At first I thought the Orpheus stuff was going to yet more straight forward Angel flashbacks and I was like “come on, really? I am all good on the Angel flashbacks.” But then both Angelus and Faith were there to watch and it was kind of awesome.

Well, half of it was awesome. Half of it was groan-worthy.

The Awesome:

I love my Spike & Angel comparisons. I love how 100% set Angel is in his ways that his experience is the Universal Vampire Experience (TM). I love how he dissociates from his demon self enough that--not only do they have two different personalities--but Angel goes as far as to block certain memories as well. It’s fascinating. And it’s like, on the surface, it seems like he’s the “noble” one for doing this, that he’s so disgusted at his demon and the thought of being evil by association, that he’s keeping himself “above” it, but he’s really doing the opposite?

Like, to hearken back to Lies My Parents Told Me (and now I’m kinda wishing I’d done these two episode metas in the same post), if the First was in LA, Angel would have soooooo many triggers, like holy shit his team would be screwed. And Angel would never, ever face them... or at least, would never face them in a way where he assumed responsibility and accepted his actions as things that’d happened and are in the past and are therefore unchangeable, so stop letting them rule you and do you best with the things that are currently in the present.

And, it’s like, until he does that, Angel won’t ever “grow”, he’ll just get more and more self-mired in his own angst while Angelus continues to destabilize into more and more of a ticking time bomb in his sub-conscious.

Just... holy mental issues, Batman. No wonder his moments of perfect happiness only happen during sex; he’s too fractured and fucked up for them to occur any other way.

The Groan-Worthy:

So yeah. That diner scene. I didn’t get it.

Oh no, Angel fed on a human that was already dead? The horror? Was I really supposed to be as shocked and disgusted as Faith was? Like I get the need to add new scenes, but really? This was BY FAR one of the least questionable things Angel has done with a soul.

Like... why didn’t they show him palling around with Darla, Spike, & Dru again? Darla mentioned in 1900 he’d been killing murderers and thieves to put on a show of still being evil. Killing murderers is questionable, but thieves? Steal a loaf of bread, get chomped by a vampire? They could’ve done something with that.

Or, you know, they could’ve also just flashed back to this scene:

How many people died in that bout of violence? 20-30?

But no. We get “ohhhhhh noo, Angel fed on a dead guy!!!!!!11!1” and are expected to care. Like puhlease. Give me a break.

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE HYPERION

Willow coming to the rescue was great. The best thing about crossover characters/cameos is the chatter.

So yeah. Wesley & Willow’s scene was amazing. I loved how Wesley was like “you couldn’t possibly understand my pain” and Willow was all, “ummm... yeah, about that... I flayed a guy last spring.” And I think that more that anything hit home how you don’t need to be the dark & edgy, more adult version of a show to have serious shit going down.

Also I’m glad that the Willow/Fred UST was called out because through-out the whole episode I was like, “daaaamn Alyson.... you are standing in the same room as your husband and are having 9000 times the chemistry with Amy Acker than him rn.”

But all’s well that ends well and Angel’s soul is popped back in, just in time for Cordelia to come down the steps wearing an ensemble that just SCREAMS, “I AM EVIL”. Surely our heroes will notice?!?

Episode 16 (Players)

Spoilers, our heroes don’t notice.

I’ve really been snoring to death on the evil Cordy thing (mostly because I hate Connor and all of Cordy’s lines have been reduced to “but Connor! think about the baby! think about us!”), so I’m gonna focus on the Gunn & Gwen subplot. Or main plot? IDK, I liked it a whole lot better than the baby drama.

Gunn is fascinating. He’s like the Xander of the LA team, but if Xander had maintained his soldier experience/role? Although I hated the fact that the Gunn/Fred relationship drama was happening in the midst of all the other drama, I’m actually kind of glad it happened because it did/does expose key issues in both their self-perception of each other + themselves.

In Gunn’s case, namely that he’s not smart. Or rather, he’s not book smart, because Gunn is hella smart. He can think on his feet, he can improvise, he can strategize... but all that pales and his confidence wanes when put beside the others.

Because when’s the last time he had to play a part and be all sneaky? When’s the last time he gotta to devise a battle plan (Angel & Wesley are the ones always taking charge)?

This episode really took the kernel that was planted back in Supersymmetry re: Gunn accompanying Fred and trying to care about what she cares about even though he understands 0% of it vs Wesley openly being able to discuss her arguments and positions...

It’s like, no, a relationship doesn’t require both partners to understand the other’s job, but when Fred has dedicated her entire LIFE to understanding physic principles, it DOES create a gap. It’s this untouchable, unknowable part of her brain that will always be unknowable as long as Gunn remains uneducated. Which he will.

And that’s not an insult because, hell, even I’d be uneducated compared to Fred & Wesley, but it’s like...

To pull an example from my own life, I recently went on a first date that went really, really well. At one point the topic switched into movies and we literally spent the next TWO HOURS talking about movies. Talking about narrative, talking about cinematography, talking about editing, talking about film as a medium as a whole and how the best film stories are the ones that can only be told through film and it was AMAZING. And yeah, I just think of that vs other dates where I’ve asked the other person what kind of movies they liked and they’ve just said “eh, superhero movies are good i guess” or “i haven’t had much time recently for movies,” and it’s like, sure, not being passionate about movies isn’t a dealkiller, but film/tv love takes up such a HUGE part of my brain that NOT clicking with it is always going to leave a significant deadspace re: things that are frequently on my mind vs things I know I can converse about.

Yeah.

TL;DR, both Fred & Gunn deserve people that they can not only be cute and loving with, but also passionate. Like mentally passionate.

Episode 17 (Inside Out)

I hated this episode. I mean, yes. Woo Lorne, acting the bait but otherwise??

Ouch.

Like... Angel knew Cordelia was evil by the way she said “my sweet”? Really? That was your master clue-by-four? You know it’s lame when you have to do a flashback all Mr. Monk style and LITERALLY EXPLAIN IT TO THE AUDIENCE. 

IDK, part of me’s just remembering BtVS S3 Enemies and how damn good THAT reveal was.

But yeah. Oh no, Connor and Cordelia run off. Oh no, Angel angst.

And then Connor just continues to be THE WORST. Like kidnap a girl and ignore the voice of his dead mom and then murder the crying girl THE WORST.

Like JESUS CHRIST. Your dad and... pseudo-nephew? Is Spike Connor’s psuedo-nephew? That’s messed up. Anyway, Your dad and pseudo-nephew at least had the No Soul Get Out of Jail Free card. What’s your excuse?

And, yes, evil!Cordy has been brainwashing him, but not to this extent surely! Like Holtz was screwed up, but he spent 15+ years instilling right vs wrong into him. And even if was swayed into confusion, CRYING GIRL PLEADING FOR HER LIFE. WHAT IS CONFUSING ABOUT THAT?

CONNOR YOU ARE THE WORST.

And then everything continues to go to shit and Cordelia gives birth to Gina Torres.

End episode apparently.

Episode 18 (Shiny Happy People)

My one complaint is that it took way too long for the ball to drop. (Not surprisingly, I had this same reaction to Madoka Magica: Rebellion--30m in of wtf dreamland vs eventual dark reality.)

But then once it did.

HOLY SHIT, FRED. I LOVE YOU.

I didn’t realize how much Fred had gotten side-lined this season until this episode and that’s a tragedy because Fred slayed it in this episode.

And omg, that one cut to Jasmine’s true face. HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, WHY THE FUCK DID THEY DO THAT. I watched this episode right before going to bed. I was not prepared for that! I was not okay with that!

Like, even now, I am too scared and revolted to scroll back through the episode and rewatch/pause that scene.

I’m just wigged.

Completely wigged.

Gah.

But yeah. Currently Fred is the only sane one and completely segregated from the rest of the cast + 99.5% of LA. How is she going to get out of this one? I honestly have no idea and for the first time in forever Angel has ended on a cliff hanger I actually get a fuck about so as soon as I hit “Post” I am headed off to watch the next episode.

That’s it for now, folks! Until next time, I’m gonna close out on my favorite line of this set of eps.