#Dystheria

[kittenwithabelle]

it's 3:38 am, i should be asleep.

but noooo, brain says it's "be sad about your wings"-o clock.

[wenttworth]

Stan knew very well that he and Richie Tozier were an odd pair.

According to his mom, they were best friends from the very beginning, born hours apart in neighbour beds, syncing everything from screaming to sleeping, and this friendship hadn't even changed when childhood illnesses were stronger in Stan and meant he had to start school a whole year later than Richie. They still ate lunch together, still went to each other's houses after school.

But they were an odd pair. Stan's curls were neatly parted whilst Richie's tumbled into his eyes and flopped all over, Richie had scabs over his knees more often than not, bruises littering his arms from his various expeditions, grass stains typically covering 80% of his clothes where Stan was naturally tidy and put together.

Richie was still his best friend, though, so when he had a particularly bad case of croup which kept him bedbound for a week, Stan was heartbroken in his loneliness.

In the end, when he was kicking about town morosely, riding his bike around the block with no true destination in mind, Bill Denborough, who was in Richie's grade but in the other class, recognised him and started chatting pleasantly. Stan could have kidded himself that they were adult friends who ran into each other at the grocery store, with the easy way Bill chatted with him.

Bill and his best friend, the tiny slip of a boy called Eddie, adopted Stan with ease, though he sometimes felt like a third wheel when they screeched with laughter over a remembered inside joke. Finally Richie was allowed to leave his house again, and Stan immediately brought him to the outskirts of the wooded area which the bigger kids called 'the barrens'; Bill and Eddie's usual hangout. Richie pinwheeled about the trees as he usually did, giggling whenever Stan told him to take it easy as he recovered, and finally dropping to his knees to pull rocks and logs up to see if any lizards or salamanders or snakes were hiding underneath in the cool mud. He'd left his house about as clean and neat as Richie Tozier could possibly be, and now mud was splattered up to his neck and scratches were blooming from when he'd crashed through a bush running around a tree.

He placed a snail carefully on his hand, and Stan cautiously crouched beside him to look at it also.

"What are you doing?" Eddie screeched thinly behind them, and Richie jumped so far out of his skin he fell backwards, succeeding in splattering Stan's right side with mud. "You can't play in mud, do you have any idea how many Germs there are in there? You could get dys...dystheria or coal-era or stung by stinging nettles!"

Richie had managed to scramble to his feet, and was staring at Eddie with big eyes, even further amplified by his new glasses that had the unfortunate side effect of doubling the size of his eyes, and even weirder, completely silently.

"You're Richie, right?" Eddie said grumpily.

Richie went bright red, and rather than answer, shoved Eddie roughly so he landed on his butt in the mud in front of Richie.

Stan stopped breathing. Eddie was a bit of a cry baby, he had discovered during the week he'd spent exploring this copse of trees with him and Bill. The smallest bumps, if he thought about them, would give him an asmarattack, which meant he couldn't breathe properly and had to pump an aspa-raytor into his mouth. He looked between them both, Eddie on the ground staring up at Richie, his mouth an 'O' in surprise, and Richie staring right back, still bright red to the roots of his black hair.

"Why would you do that?" Eddie yelled, instead of crying, or having an asmarattack. He grabbed a handful of mud and flung it at Richie, shrieking with laughter when it clocked him square in the face. Richie grinned right back at him.

"Want to try to find snakes under the rocks?" he asked, and Stan backed away out of the line of fire to watch some Cardinals flit in and out of a nest as Eddie exclaimed excitedly and joined Richie in his discovery.

[deadbeatchristian]

Regression Modeling Week 4

For this week, I will be focusing on Conduct Disorder as the primary response variable. I am also utilizing GAMBEVDX and DYSLIFE     as the explanatory variable.

For my response variable Conduct Disorder, Yes is coded as “1″ and No is coded as a “0″.

DYSLIFE indicates the presence or absence of dysthymia while GAMBEVDX indicates pathological gambling (lifetime) similarly coded as conduct disorder.

The first logit regression indicates that Conduct Disorder = -4.6695 + 0.5497 * dysthymia with the P-value indicating that the significant relationship.

The odds Ratio show with 95% confidence that  1.222414  to 2.456314 of the people with dysthymia will also have conduct disorder.

Logit Regression Results                           ============================================================================== Dep. Variable:            CONDUCTONLY   No. Observations:                43093 Model:                          Logit   Df Residuals:                    43091 Method:                           MLE   Df Model:                            1 Date:                Thu, 07 Jan 2021   Pseudo R-squ.:                0.001761 Time:                        08:39:23   Log-Likelihood:                -2335.7 converged:                       True   LL-Null:                       -2339.8 Covariance Type:            nonrobust   LLR p-value:                  0.004092 ==============================================================================                 coef    std err          z      P>|z|      [0.025      0.975] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Intercept     -4.6695      0.052    -90.601      0.000      -4.770      -4.568 DYSLIFE        0.5497      0.178      3.088      0.002       0.201       0.899 ============================================================================== Odds Ratio Intercept   0.009377 DYSLIFE     1.732810 dtype: float64           Lower CI  Upper CI       OR Intercept  0.008476  0.010374 0.009377 DYSLIFE    1.222414  2.456314 1.732810 Optimization terminated successfully.         Current function value: 0.054183         Iterations 9

Now we repeat this with after adding Pathogical Gambling for the following results.                           Logit Regression Results                           ============================================================================== Dep. Variable:            CONDUCTONLY   No. Observations:                43093 Model:                          Logit   Df Residuals:                    43090 Method:                           MLE   Df Model:                            2 Date:                Thu, 07 Jan 2021   Pseudo R-squ.:                0.002083 Time:                        08:39:23   Log-Likelihood:                -2334.9 converged:                       True   LL-Null:                       -2339.8 Covariance Type:            nonrobust   LLR p-value:                  0.007653 ==============================================================================                 coef    std err          z      P>|z|      [0.025      0.975] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Intercept     -4.6734      0.052    -90.415      0.000      -4.775      -4.572 DYSLIFE        0.5385      0.178      3.019      0.003       0.189       0.888 GAMBEVDX       0.6913      0.509      1.358      0.174      -0.306       1.689 ============================================================================== Odds Ratio Intercept   0.009341 DYSLIFE     1.713432 GAMBEVDX    1.996339 dtype: float64           Lower CI  Upper CI       OR Intercept  0.008441  0.010337 0.009341 DYSLIFE    1.207870  2.430598 1.713432 GAMBEVDX   0.736275  5.412885 1.996339

With the P-value of pathological gambling being .174 which is above the .005 threshold, we should exclude it from our model.

With this, we can conclude that Dystheria has an association with conduct disorder. 

Code:

lreg = smf.logit('CONDUCTONLY ~ DYSLIFE', data=data).fit() print(lreg.summary())

print("Odds Ratio") params = lreg.params print(np.exp(params))

conf = lreg.conf_int() conf['OR']= params conf.columns = ['Lower CI', 'Upper CI', 'OR'] print(np.exp(conf))

lreg1 = smf.logit('CONDUCTONLY ~ DYSLIFE + GAMBEVDX', data=data).fit() print(lreg1.summary())

print("Odds Ratio") params1 = lreg1.params print(np.exp(params1))

conf1 = lreg1.conf_int() conf1['OR']= params1 conf1.columns = ['Lower CI', 'Upper CI', 'OR'] print(np.exp(conf1))

[kittenwithabelle]

Today is not a good day to be stuck in the wrong body...

The gender thing was fine, I can change that.

But I will always be without my wings, I'll never fly as I should be able to, the closest I can get is dealing with the metalic scream of a rollercoaster as I'm shoved along a predetermined arc.

I want to glide, to ride the airstreams, I want to bank and soar and spin as my wings guide me where I need.

This plane is, not so kind as to allow that. Even if my wings are their full size where to grow spontaneously today, my body would still be too heavy to fly, my flesh too thick, my bones too dense.

I want out of the prison that is "me"

[kittenwithabelle]

Getting real bad phantom limb in my wings this morning.

Like, good fucking gods they're so tense and I can't fucking stretch them aaaaaaaaa.

I need a godsdamned wing massage...

[kittenwithabelle]

I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back I want my wings back

[kittenwithabelle]

An ex and I once discussed how we should talk about the feeling of missing body parts and being in the wrong form.

We landed on the term "Dystheric" as a play on "Dysphoric"

Sometimes my wings ache and it's all I can do not to cry because I can't fix what's wrong with them. My silhouette is all wrong and all I want to do is take off and breathe the air above all of the pollution and noise.

That's dystheria to me.

I hope I can help people put a word to their feelings of loss and unbelonging, because I couldn't find any other word to describe it.

[kittenwithabelle]

I feel lopsided, but it's a strange feeling, because having my claws would actually make me lopsided.

I guess I can't complain too much though, having claws would make shuffling magic decks harder...

Do still miss having them, I'd figure out the shuffling thing.

[kittenwithabelle]

Things would be so much easier if I could soar across the sky.

Skimming the clouds knowing that my wives are only a flight away. Feeling the cold air against my feathers.

It would be so much easier if I were whole.

But I can't soar. And I'm not whole.

That was stolen from me.