#Dysphoria and mess of a mental space

[ms-demeanor]

You posted about adhd and I was hoping to follow up to clarify something. I’ve explained to my partner a million times about how the borderline-hoarding mess of his space is very mentally draining to me, and he understands but we’ve both essentially accepted he won’t clean his mess because he can’t because of his adhd. You’re saying he’s actually being a shit head?

This isn't necessarily an issue of him being a shithead, but it also isn't a sustainable situation. It's not good for you and there's a level of clutter that's probably not good for him either.

Large bastard is a lot more clutter-y than I am. The solution we've come to is trying to keep our messes at least isolated from one another; he can have his messes and I can have mine, but he can have those messes in his spaces, not all over the place. Sometimes those messes migrate, and that's when it's important for him to make the effort to rein them in rather than trying and failing to make a daily effort to keep our entire shared space tidy.

I think when you say "we've both essentially accepted he won't clean his mess" what I'm hearing is resignation; you're not happy about this but you don't know what to do so you've thrown up your hands and he feels helpless and unsure of what to do to improve the situation. This is the kind of "it's fine" that isn't really fine.

I think it would be worthwhile for you to each separately think about the mess and talk about it together. Are there areas that YOU *need* to have not-messy? Both for utility and your mental health? Are there areas where you can tolerate more mess than otherwise? Are there areas that are going to be harder for him to keep the mess out of than others? Are there things he doesn't *know* about cleaning up the mess?

I'm obviously a big "communication communication communication" person so I'm going to recommend a lot of talking about stuff, which is probably going to mean a lot of thinking about and interrogating stuff. I'm going to say "talk to him about why the mess bothers you" which means you also have to really articulate to yourself why the mess bothers you (for instance I'm not actually *bothered* by a messy kitchen, but I know it's going to reflect badly on us - and me specifically b/c of presumed gender roles - if someone pops by and the kitchen is a disaster, AND a messy kitchen is going to be harder to use). Genuinely, sometimes knowing *why* something is a problem might make it easier for someone with ADHD to do something. And it's not that he doesn't care that it upsets you, it's just that "Oh if I don't wash my breakfast dishes Anon won't have clear counterspace to make lunch" might be stickier in his brain (and less hard to look at emotionally) than "this thing I forget to do upsets my partner so I should do it."

For the record, I think that people with ADHD should read up on Demand Avoidance and see if it might explain some of the issues that they have in their day-to-day life; I've seen some really unfortunate situations with friends where trying to do things that their partner needed became the subject of demand avoidance. *I* have experienced negative outcomes of demand avoidance. The solution to that, however, isn't to stop making attempts to do the thing OR to simply try harder to do as they're asked/told (which reinforces the demand), it's to work on setting up a situation where the partners' needs are not interpreted as a demand. This is fuck-off difficult and requires a lot of patience and care and many attempts to succeed and will be different for each person and relationship.

(Also for the record demand avoidance isn't *super* strongly linked to ADHD and it's not a definitive symptom; like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, it is something that occurs in some number of people with ADHD and can be a useful lens through which to examine various behaviors; you don't need to have DA or RSD to have ADHD, and having DA or RSD also doesn't invalidate your diagnosis; they're symptoms. For me, DA often feels like "if I don't look at it, it can't get me" - If I ignore all the messages I've got they aren't real and don't have real consequences so I'll just ignore my texts. If I don't look at the vendor email about the order, the problem with the order isn't real and it won't get added to my task list. If I don't look at the requests in my inbox I can't let people down when I don't do them. It's a self-protective coping mechanism but it's *maladaptive* and I can't just ignore the vendor email or all my texts. I need to work on a way of doing the stuff that I'm avoiding in a way that makes it less stressful and doesn't hurt the people relying on me. That takes a lot of effort, personal insight, trial and error, and )

But before I dive into specifics I want to be really really clear about one thing: sometimes people are simply incompatible. Sometimes one person has such a low tolerance for "mess" and the other person has such a high threshold for "mess" that it can't be reconciled. It sucks that this can end up being a thing that people break up over, but it is MUCH better to acknowledge incompatibility as early as possible instead of spending years and years building resentment.

There used to be a great forum called MiL's Anonymous that I spent a lot of time on. It had a lot of people in a lot of difficult situations struggling to get by and hold their relationships together. The question that was used as a litmus test to approach each situation was simple: If you knew today that everything about living with this person would be the same in five years, would you stay?

Because you can't control your partner. You can't control the future. You can only control yourself and your proximity to situations that are harmful to you. If you knew, 100%, that things wouldn't get better in five years, would you be okay with staying in this relationship? If the answer is "no," then that's that. Don't worry about questions of whether or not your boyfriend is a shithead, start the process of ending the relationship because there's a good chance the situation is going to be exactly the same in five years.

If the answer is "yes," and you'd stay in the relationship regardless of whether or not things changed, then it's time to take actions to improve your life within the context of the relationship.

(No judgement on that yes or no, btw. If you would hate living like this for another five years, and you would feel like you'd wasted your time and hadn't done the things you wanted to with your life, get out. Bail. Go. It will be better for you and better for your partner if you split instead of spending half a decade building resentments and and problems that you'll have to spend another half a decade healing from.)

Also, a note: you describe your boyfriend's mess as borderline hoarding - is the issue *mess* or is the issue *clutter*? I have friends who are very tidy, but whose homes are very cluttered. They like things, they have many things, they keep many things around, but their houses are always clean and well-dusted and orderly, just with a tremendous amount of *stuff.* I am addressing all of this as though the issue is mess, not clutter. If your boyfriend's situation is clutter (the space is busy and packed with things but it is functional and clean) and your issue isn't with *mess* (things out of place, things not having a place, things that need to be cleaned up gathering in stacks, falling behind on regular chores like laundry and dishes and taking out the trash) then you definitely need to assess whether or not you are compatible.

For instance here's a room that is messy but not cluttered compared to a room that is cluttered but not messy:

That first room is a *mess* but it would be very easy to clean up in under an hour. The second room is fairly tidy, but would take significant effort to pare down and declutter. BOTH of these can be difficult to live with but the second one is not dangerous or threatening to anyone's health. (The second one is QUITE cluttered and if every room in a house looks like this it can be overwhelming to live with; this is actually harder to deal with in a relationship than the first one in a lot of ways. I don't have a lot of advice for what to do if your partner is a high degree of tidy-but-cluttered because I don't actually think it's a problem or wrong to have thousands of books or bins full of lego or a million kitchen appliances as long as you have the space and can keep it safe and well-maintained; this is a really significant compatibility issue)

Okay, all that out of the way, here's the hard work.

Talk about this shit

Talk to your partner and define "mess." Make sure you are on the same page about what you mean when you're talking about what a messy room looks like versus what a tidy room looks like. Gather reference pictures. DRAW reference pictures.

Explain not just that the mess upsets you, but *why* and *how* it upsets you. In this context don't think of it as your boyfriend's mess, think of it as an unpleasant roommate. Discuss this using "I-statements". "When I have to pick up laundry all over the apartment, I feel like a parent more than a partner." "When there are piles of miniatures all over the table, I feel like I don't have anywhere to do things I'm interested in." "When there are dishes in the sink, I feel frustrated because I have to clean before I can feed myself."

Discuss, frankly and openly, whether he knows how to clean. I'm not trying to make excuses for him here but a lot of people with ADHD have a lot of stress and avoidance around cleaning because they spent a lot of time getting yelled at for not knowing how to clean properly.

Discuss your needs, be firm about what you require but willing to compromise. You *need* some spaces to be clean, and some spaces may be harder for him to keep clean than others. It may be MUCH harder for him to keep a bedroom tidy than it is to keep a kitchen tidy; if you need a clean and empty bedroom with everything put away and he simply cannot do that, that is a compatibility issue. But perhaps you need *your* side of the bedroom to be very orderly and can tolerate a moderate level of mess and clutter on his side. Maybe you're really really bothered by a messy kitchen, but it doesn't bug you if the dining table is covered with projects and papers. Figure out something more workable than "his mess goes everywhere and i live with it because he's incapable of cleaning" because he probably is not incapable of cleaning and you deserve to have places in your home that are comfortable for you.

Reduce friction for cleaning

Sometimes the problem isn't cleaning, the problem is the many many steps before cleaning, or not knowing where something should go when you are done cleaning. One of the absolute best things I've done for myself for cleaning my space is getting a broom holder and mounting the broom to the wall. Sweeping is now essentially thoughtless. I don't have to find the broom or pull it out from a pile of fans or go scrounging around for a dustpan it's right there on the wall, frictionless. So here are some ways to reduce the barriers to cleaning:

Make sure you and your partner both know how to use your cleaning supplies and know where those supplies are. When I switched dishwasher soap I had to re-show Large Bastard where I was storing it and how it was used, because to him what happened was the dishwasher tabs just vanished one day and he didn't know what I was putting in the machine or the process I used. He sometimes puts tools away in places that I can't see (he's more than a foot taller than me) so sometimes I can't get started on a maintenance project until he shows me where he put the battery pack for the drill.

Consider making a how-to chart to or having him make a how-to chart to keep someplace accessible so he can reference it while cleaning. Goblin.Tools Magic ToDo is great for this. Basically a lot of the time people with ADHD have trouble knowing what to do from step to step even if they've done something before, so having a step by step guide can make it easier (I have notebooks full of step-by-step guides for everything from paying for my tuition to removing licenses for my customers to weeding my yard)

Remove obstacles; don't keep cleaning chemicals in the garage in a box that's behind a stack of parts, keep them in the room you'll be cleaning. Don't keep the cleaning supplies that you use to clean the bathroom in the kitchen. Sometimes this means buying two bottles of bleach solution and two scrubbers and two sets of cleaning gloves but having fewer steps (fetch the windex, fetch the paper towels, fetch the gloves) is often the key to getting things done (open under-sink cabinet and grab windex, gloves, and paper towels that are there instead of in the kitchen).

This sort of overlaps with the next category, which is:

Create Dump Zones

One thing that I've found that seems very different between people with ADHD cleaning and neurotypical people cleaning is that neurotypical people are good at getting to a point where the cleaning is "done." They have checked off their tasks and they have finished and it is over. There are *SOME* chores that are like this (taking out the trash is a binary state, the trash has been taken out or it has not) and some chores are perpetual (horrid cursed dishes) but I think with people with ADHD, some chores that are binary for neurotypicals are actually perpetual chores. For instance "clean off the counter" is not a one and done for me. "Clean off the counter" may involve a three day reorganization project. "Clean off the counter" does not mean "wipe down the tile and put dishes away" it means assessing whether or not I need to make vegetable stock and bleaching three tea containers and reconsidering whether or not the sharps container should live somewhere else and going through the mail and figuring out what needs to be responded to and taking out the recycling and on and on and on.

We have had company at the house for the last two weeks, so I asked large bastard to clean off the dining room table, which is largely a project zone for him. Cleaning off the dining room table meant putting away his meds (and since he's a transplant patient that involves a 30 gallon rubbermade tote), throwing away some trash, and totally reorganizing his workshop. It also incidentally involved picking up a table from facebook marketplace and moving my plants, which has now involved moving my former plant rack outside (moving buckets, finding and organizing planters and gardening tools) and taking the former table to the thrift store (not done yet) and cleaning the rug that was under the former table. So "either the table is clean, or it isn't" isn't really true for us.

HOWEVER "hang on we can't eat until the table is clear so let's drive to Pico Rivera to get that console table right now" isn't a workable plan, so you create dumpzones as areas of holding between the start and the finish of the chore.

A dump zone can be a laundry basket. It can be a craft bin. It can be a back room or under your bed. It is a place to put things that you are going to deal with later because if you deal with them now it is going to derail the thing you are actually trying to do, which is set the table for dinner.

Dump zones are vital to cleaning with ADHD and I recommend them for day-to-day cleaning as well. The day-to-day dump zones might be more for you than for your boyfriend. For instance, Large Bastard works with bullets and he sheds bullets all over the house. I used to get stressed when I found bullets when I was cleaning because are these work bullets? Are these recreational bullets? Are they in testing? Do they need to be pulled? Do they go in the workshop or the office or the garage or does he need these today so they have to stay on the counter? And the answer now is "that's not my problem naughty bullets go in the jar." Which is perfectly sensible because he gets to say "mystery yarn goes in the bin" and "art supplies go in the bucket."

I feel helpless when cleaning a lot of the time. I'm frustrated and lost and I don't know where stuff goes and everything I pick up spins off into three projects in my head and every step feels like a wall to scale. Dump zones help me with that when there's pressure or a reason for cleaning beyond day to day home maintenance. People are coming over? The bedroom is a dump zone, I'll deal with that later. I'm just cleaning up because I need to? Okay I can find a permanent home for this new dish soap.

AS A VERY IMPORTANT COROLLARY TO THIS:

Active projects do not go in dump zones while you or your partner are cleaning. This may mean designating a project sanctuary area like a corner of the table or one particular chair in your main room where a project can be placed so as not to be disturbed. (if my current crochet project ends up in the yarn bin, that may mean that I don't pick the project up for another three months, it lives on the windowsill behind the couch because that's where it'll get worked on)

Do not put things away for your partner, put them in the dump zone for your partner. Your partner has to be the one to put their own stuff away in a way that works for them. I tend to find that this naturally puts a limit on the time stuff sits in the dump zone, because eventually you'll go "hey where's my thing?" and will put stuff away. If that doesn't happen, it's still generally better to have stuff in a dump zone than all over the home.

Do not decide you know what things go together from your partner's stuff and try to "put like things together." The neurotypical urge to put like things together is the mindkiller(j/k). You do not know which things are "similar" in your partner's organization schema and attempting to organize things on your own is going to end up with all of the things "organized" being functionally lost forever from your partner's perspective. Large Bastard's mom would do this and it was infuriating, she'd say "oh I put all the electronics stuff in one box" and she would mean soldering irons, transistors, ham radios, HDMI cables, and cellphone chargers. We are *still* going through boxes of stuff that she "tidied up" when he was hospitalized in 2020 and 2021.

To prevent the need for quite so many dump zones over time, you can work on setting up landing zones and "homes" for projects and tools.

Landing Zones

Landing zones are places where things go when you come inside from doing various things. Sometimes your landing zone only needs to be a tray for your wallet and keys, sometimes your landing zone needs to be a place to take off muddy boots and put a trowel and gloves down before you shower.

To make an effective landing zone, consider what behaviors you're trying to minimize and whether the people using it are ACTUALLY going to use it. For instance I was tired of the corner of my hearth getting cluttered with random junk so I hung up some hooks and put a shelf and a basket there and it became a really effective landing zone for my bag and keys and the mail, but it was VERY ineffective for Large Bastard because it's by a door that isn't the primary door he uses to enter the house. As a result I always know where my keys and bag are but he has trouble finding his keys and wallet. He tends to enter the house through our bedroom and has an overloaded valet next to the door and that's usually where his wallet ends up. Mounting a shelf to the wall above the valet and putting a basket and a hook on it will be a better place for his stuff to land. It's not that he's not using the first zone because he doesn't know that it's there, or because he doesn't care about lost time when I'm searching for my car keys after he borrows them, he's not using it because it's not by the door he uses. That's all.

I have a landing space for when I come in for gardening that's different than the one when I come in from grocery shopping. I have a landing space for when I walk into the dining room instead of the kitchen when I get home.

Landing spaces prevent stuff from piling up all over the place because they are a limited functional space that should be used frequently. Mail ONLY goes in the landing zone. If you have mystery mail or if you're not sure it's safe to toss, you put it in the landing zone. You can't let the mail get piled up too high or you won't have a space for your keys. You can't let the change in your wallet tray get too deep or your wallet is going to slide off, etc., but you also don't just put change on the coffee table or your nightstand because the landing zone is right there.

Homes for items are just what they sound like. They're the place the item goes. It lives there. My meds live on my nightstand. You would not believe how poorly I did with taking my meds on my vacation because they weren't on my nightstand. A while back large bastard lost one of his sets of sorted meds and we tore the house up looking for them because he couldn't find them in his nightstand, which is where they live. *I* found them in his nightstand because I emptied out the entire top drawer (he had only looked on the top layer) and found them underneath a radio and a hammock. Even though they were *hidden* they were in their home, so they were findable. I recently needed ink for an art class. Art supplies live in a dresser by my desk. Ink lives in the art bin or the top left drawer. The ink was not in either of these places (it was on a cabinet in the dining room behind a teacup) so it took me weeks to find it.

Sometimes the reason that ADHD spaces are so messy is because objects have been assigned homes in places that are visible and if they get moved they get lost. This is a genuinely difficult problem that requires a lot of effort to solve and can involve a lot of trial and error for creating a tidy living space. For some people, open shelving and visible storage might be a good solution. For some people, assigning a VERY clear home and inculcating that location by habit is the only way to clean up a space. For some people one very cluttered corner to at least isolate the chaos does the trick (for me and large bastard open shelving doesn't work because anything in one place for too long becomes invisible; that means that I rely on assigning things homes and large bastard relies on having contained chaos and a general idea of where to search but what that DOES NOT mean is that he is clean or tidy. His spaces look like an explosion. But he can mostly find his stuff and do what he needs to do and as long as that's limited to specific places in shared spaces I can live with it; the dining room table can be a disaster, the kitchen cannot).

People organize things differently. It often takes a while for neurotypical adults to settle into an organizational style that works for them and ADHD adults may need to settle into a new system every few months for it to continue working. The cleanup and declutter is most likely going to be a permanent project that is always going to demand some level of attention from everyone in a shared space, but "my ADHD means I can't do it" is not really going to fly. Maybe his ADHD means that he can't keep his space tidy, but it doesn't mean you can't move stuff from shared spaces into dump zones or that he can't do stuff around the house.

If he's insisting that his ADHD means that he can't clean it is possible that he's not being a shithead, he just feels helpless and doesn't know where to start and has adopted the belief that he's a useless piece of shit who can't even keep a tidy space like a grownup because he's internalized a lot of shitty attitudes (hello, my internal monologue about keeping a clean house). But it's also possible that he's just being a shithead.

It's something that's worthwhile to investigate with him. If he's unwilling to make an attempt, then he's being a shithead.

It is also not your responsibility to rehabilitate another person. If he wants to clean and it's something he feels bad about and needs some help and support with the way that someone might need help or support for learning to use a mobility aid, that is fine but you don't have to be the one who gives him that support if it's detrimental to your health, and you don't have to be the one to teach him that stuff if it's not something you're capable of. And if he is NOT interested in working on making your shared living space more accessible for you, that is not your suitcase to unpack and you just have to ask yourself the question from the start: would I stay with this person if I knew the situation was never going to change?

IDK, I'm sure a lot of this reads like "anon you must take on the emotional labor of training your partner to be an adult" but it's really meant to be more of a way of assessing yourself and your relationship. If you created landing zones do you think he'd use them? Would he get angry if you assigned a laundry basket as a dump zone for his stuff while you tidy the living room? Is living with him long-term going to be comfortable for you if nothing changes? Do you have enough of a shared definition of "mess" that you're at least in the ballpark for what counts as a clean house?

anyway good luck, and a reminder to folks that I'm compiling a bunch of adhd resources and other information on my personal website, ms-demeanor.com. It's coming along slowly but it will eventually include stuff like ADHD cleaning tips and how to tackle a hoard, so maybe keep your eye on that space.

[soldierspidey]

Character: Bob Reynolds (MCU)

Type of request: Imagine, lots of fluff, idk if that end bit also counts as smut????

The very basic idea that I have is; Bob gets home after a long day of work and he can’t seem to find the reader. He goes to their room, and he realises the reader is in the bathroom. Bob gets into bed, and the reader takes quite a while in the loo. The reader eventually joins him in bed and Bob sees that the reader is quite teary-eyed and her voice is wobbly. When he asks what’s wrong the reader can’t keep herself together and starts crying. The reader confesses to have been very dysphoric, especially in recent months. Bob comforts her (and perhaps, just maybe, potentially; with the consent of the reader he feels her up a little 🤫🤫 Nothing too extreme, just in a reassuring way, if that makes sense??). Anyhoo, that’s my cutesy little idea

through her tears

bob reynolds x mtf!reader

comfort/fluff/ ever so slightly suggestive end

A/N ; it’s funny to me how I branded myself as a "male reader only," and my first fic on here is for mtf girlies x) anyhoo! had a lot of fun writing it and I hope you enjoy it spence!!!! (also, i’m sorry if dysphoria depiction isn’t quite accurate. It is for me, and I used my own experiences with it to write this!)

TW : gender disphoria, mental health struggles, kind of suggestive towards the end ??, emotional distress, crying.

1.3k words

Bob had spent the entire day outside the watchtower. It was one of the rare days when he’d feel well enough to go outside and grab groceries for the team. It was a small thing, but for Bob, it was huge. Sometimes he felt useless, barely doing anything while his mates saved the world from extraterrestrial attacks, but there was always someone to make him feel better, to make him feel seen, and that person was his girlfriend.

The two started dating not so long ago, meeting in a bookshop where they reached for the same books, turning him into an awkward mess as he hadn’t planned to talk to anyone. This quickly evolved into something beyond their love for the same author.

She now lives with the Thunderbolts* and Bob in the watchtower, and they quickly accepted her, a quiet, nice girl who was a perfect match for Bob. Yelena loved her.

He came home a little later than usual, getting lost in a bookshop and fumbling with his wallet when paying came. His arms full of grocery bags, he quickly went to put them on the kitchen counter, where he knew John would later find them and put the respective items in their respective places. He walked up to their shared room, expecting to find her there reading or scrolling through her phone, but when he opened the door, she was nowhere to be seen. Bob frowned slightly, a confused look on his face.

His back ached from the day out and carrying all those bags, but somehow, her absence hit harder than any back pain.

He called her name, a questioning tone in his voice, to which she answered quickly that she was in the bathroom, which made the slight tension in his shoulders relax, at least he knew where she was.

This new found relaxed state allowed him to throw himself on the bed, the box spring making a familiar creaking sound. He let out a deep sigh, the ache in his back slowly fading away as he was finally in an horizontal position.

He doesn’t know how long he waited, five, ten, perhaps fifteen minutes, his face buried into the pillow breathing in the comforting and familiar scent of his girlfriend's shampoo.

A few moments later, Y/n finally entered the bedroom, an oversized jumper that might as well have belonged to Bob covering her frame, she quickly got into bed next to her boyfriend, which gave her some space after being sprawled on the mattress like a starfish. He looked up at her, and then at the bathroom from which she'd just arrive, and saw a towel covering the mirror. She rapidly hid herself under the blanket, even if it wasn’t necessary in the current warmth of the room.

His gaze softened with love as he wrapped his arms around her.

“How was your day ?” She asked, but her voice was wobbly, a lump forming in her throat as soon as she spoke, biting her inner cheeks to keep herself from crying.

“It was alright, I bought books..” He said the last part of his sentence in more of a whispery tone, he searched her eyes, wanting to understand the cause of the shakiness in her voice. However as soon as his gaze met hers, a sense of deep protectiveness took over him. Her eyes were red rimmed, her cheeks wet.

He sat up, looking at her.

“What’s going on ?” He asked, his hands still resting on her waist as she sat up slightly, bringing her knees to her chest before completely breaking down, the gates that previously held her tears breaking and letting out a wave of sobs that she tried to wipe away, but it was too much.

Bob’s eyes widened, not instantly knowing how to react, it had happened before, but never this sudden. He pulled her enough to bring her into a hug, one his hand tracing soothing circles on her back while the other gently reached her hair.

“Hey…it’s okay, it's okay…” He started, his voice soft, his touch tender. Y/n didn’t say a word for five good minutes, the only sound coming from her being her sobs. Then she managed to form a sentence along the line of :

“I’m sorry you have to put up with me..” The tremor in her voice is still present and making it hard for her to speak.

“Why are you saying this..” He asked, his brows knitting together, his voice still soft but filled with incomprehension.

“I’m not a real girl Bob, I-” she started but Bob cut her mid sentence,

“You’re pretty much the realest girl I’ve ever met, unless you tell me you’re a hologram…Love, you are a real girl..” He murmured, pressing a small kiss to the top of her head.

“I can’t even look at myself in a mirror without wanting to rip my skin off,” She sniffled, her voice breaking again as she continued sobbing, taking multiple inhales as Bob looked at her, a half-concerned, half-sad look on his face.

“This is so wrong, I feel like it's not even my body..” She spoke as she kept on crying.

She was Bob's everything, and seeing her in such a state only made him want to kiss her gender dysphoria away, but he let her talk.

“I can’t…I can’t do this anymore…I’m scared that one day…” She took a deep breath, trying to talk clearly through the tears. “...I’m scared that one day you’ll leave me because you’ll find another girl...”

His brows furrowed.

“Let me stop you right here, my love..” he started, cupping her cheeks with his warm hands, “I would NEVER leave you for another girl.. okay ..? You are genuinely the most amazing girl I could’ve even wished for.” He continued, wiping her tears away with his thumb, his eyes full of love and admiration for his girlfriend.

She looked up at him, her eyes filled with trust, love and something maybe even deeper. Her hands found his on her cheeks, her sobs not stopping nonetheless.

“You’re so beautiful..” he whispered, his eyes searching hers, kissing her softly, his hands slowly sliding down from her cheeks to her shoulders. Her own hands landed on Bob's toned chest.

“Sometimes I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.” Bob smiled, this adorable, almost boyish smile that always made Y/n’s heart flutter.

“You’re so cheesy”, she said, a small laugh escaping her throat through her, now softer, sobs.

He looked at her again, with the kindest type of love and care seeping through his gaze as he continued hugging her.

“You deserve all the cheesiness and all the love in the world” He responded, pressing another soft kiss to her forehead, before peppering her face in small lovey-dovey kisses.

“Can I do anything to help…” Bob asked, his hands falling back to her shoulders. She shrugged, her mouth opening slightly before closing it and reopening it as if she hesitated.

“Just…just keep on touching me…it's…it's grounding” She answered, her head pressing into Bob's collarbone, and he started caressing her shoulder gently as soon as she finished her sentence. His hands started roaming slightly as he kept on pressing small kisses into her hair, he reached her waist, hovering slightly above it before continuing his soft touches, making her squirm slightly, her waist being a sensitive spot.

“Still okay ?” He asked, resting his hands on her hips.

“Mhm” she hummed, tears still flowed but her sobs had subsided, now replaced by an ever so slightly ragged breathing.

“I love you Y/n…and you're the most precious person in the world to me..” He said, kissing her cheek.

“I love you too Bob…thank you…” She responded, looking up at him with earnest eyes. Her breathing steadied slightly after a while, and maybe, just maybe she felt a little bit more like herself that day.

@sparkyspens :3

masterlist | rules for requesting

[deckofcookiez]

The Alex Kister Situation

Alright; I've been more of a lurker on here for awhile, but for months now--almost a year--I've been a massive fan of the Mandela Catalogue, and this fandom has been a major form of escapism and safety for me. So, I feel the need to say something about the current situation.

To start, I'm putting a link to the document with all of the information about what happened, as it's important to read it and learn about this whole situation in depth:

With that out of the way, I just wanted to share my own personal opinion; personally, Mandela Catalogue has legitimately become my special interest. I have pretty much obsessed over it ever since I first found it, and everything I've written or drawn since then has been to do with it. It's been very important to me, especially due to the community here on tumblr, as this fandom is probably the most supportive and open places on the internet I've found. I feel a lot more connected because of it, and it made me feel comfortable and safe.

I was in a bad mental space today, and when I found out about this, I had a pretty bad breakdown--some might call it an overreaction, but you don't know just how dependent my mental health had become on this series and fandom. (I will be working on avoiding this habit in the future, as it isn't healthy to depend so heavily on one interest)

After reading through the document, and just seeing so many opinions and contributions from others, I am almost certain that these allegations are true. But I always, always listen to all perspectives before making judgement, so I will not be going full "I hate Alex, he's a despicable person!!" before Alex gives his own point of view.

That being said, I do believe Alex has serious issues that he needs to get handled. I am hesitant to call this pedophilia, as from what I've gathered, he didn't seem to have active malicious intent towards minors(correct me if I missed something that said otherwise)--rather, I get the impression that Alex simply doesn't understand boundaries, and genuinely saw his fans as mutuals. He seems to be a person who's manipulative--whether intentionally or not--and his personal relationships, platonic, romantic, or sexual, turn very toxic because of this. So, trying to have personal relationships with fans, people who look up to him and see him in a very different light, results in inevitable toxicity as well.

I get the sense that Alex simply is a young person, struggling with mental health and gender dysphoria, who was thrust into extreme popularity very suddenly, and doesn't have the maturity level to handle it properly. Overall, I do not support him, if he continues to act like this--if he makes genuine, real efforts to deal with his mental health and his unhealthy behaviours, I would respect him for that. I wouldn't look at him quite the same, but as long as someone makes genuine efforts to better themself after doing something wrong, I appreciate and respect that, and may eventually give forgiveness. But, if he doesn't make those efforts, if he continues his patterns and refuses to try and get better, then that is on him and at that point I have lost any and all respect for him. At that point, you are not a good or reasonable person, in my eyes.

Regardless of how things go with Alex himself, though, I want to say...

You do not have to support a creator to enjoy their work!!

I am a huge fan of Danny Phantom, and that show's creator is a genuine piece of shit. Like, a truly despicable human being. That fandom successfully has, just... completely ripped the show and characters from their creator. They have cut him out entirely, nothing he says holds any impact or meaning to them and it hasn't for years. He's seriously fallen off. And it's still a fun, active fandom! The people in there are super neat!!

And, hell, look at the whole mess with J. K. Rowling!! She is an absolutely disgusting person. But so many people grew up with Harry Potter, and still like her stories, without actively supporting her--lots of creators turn out to be really awful people, but that doesn't mean that what they made is automatically awful as well. They still have some kind of creative ability, that happened to produce something that garnered a significant amount of attention.

We don't need Alex to still enjoy the concept, characters, and overall story he's created. We can still make fanworks, still appreciate what it is that drew us to the series in the first place.

Honestly, out of everything that the fallout of this would bring, I was most terrified of the fandom itself dying, as that is what truly matters the most to me. This place, these people are so important to me, and I am so scared of this community falling apart. I've already seen plenty of people stating that they will no longer be associating with TMC, and are just completely distancing themselves from it. It feels like things are already dying and disappearing and it really, really fucking hurts.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that... if that is your choice, if you truly do not want to associate with TMC anymore whatsoever, then I don't blame you for it. I understand if you can't look at the series the same way after this, and I respect that choice.

But you don't have to, if it still means anything to you. Fandoms are more than just their creators--they're the community that has been built around the work, and this community is possibly the best one I've ever been in. I don't want to see it die. So, just know, that you can still love this fandom, this story, these characters, without supporting Alex. You can still draw the characters, make OCs, write fanfiction, etc. He won't get money from that--only from directly watching his content or buying his merch.

Finally, I'd like to say to go support the victims. They didn't deserve this--no matter what Alex's intentions were. Please support them, and regardless of how this turns out, do not continue actively supporting Alex Kister. I am sure that, whatever his intentions were, he did still harm people and that is not okay.

Also, this is all just my own opinion, based on what I know; I was not in the discord, I don't have Twitter, I don't personally know anyone involved and I have not seen everything regarding the situation as a whole. I simply felt I should state my current opinion, as I'm seeing a lot of people freaking out and spiraling and just leaving the fandom entirely. I wanted to remind people that it's okay to still enjoy this fandom and be a part of it, without Alex. My opinion may change some with new information I find, but overall, I am of the opinion that Alex should not be supported, while the Mandela Catalogue itself can be separated from him and still be enjoyed and appreciated.

And, whatever happens... Adam Murray, Jonah Marshall and Thatcher Davis are officially honorary characters in my stash of little guys. If he's not fit to keep them then they will become my creative outlet instead (and others who love them, obviously). They're very special characters to me, I can't express just how many things I have written and drawn to do with them, and I refuse to give them up.

(another addition, regarding the apparent 'alter egos' Alex apparently had: Possibly consider DID? I know a lot of people with DID will often mistake it for other things, including simply being gender non-conforming, when in actuality they really have alters that just identify differently. Not diagnosing, I don't know enough about him to make any real claims--it was just a thought.)

[l0sergutz]

I don’t feel like a woman, not because of identity politics or labels, but because womanhood never felt like something I got to grow into. Instead of feeling safe or soft, my experience as a girl was shaped by pain, trauma, and disconnection. I was forced into a role before I could define it for myself, and now even the word “girl” feels like a mask or a punishment that doesn’t belong to me.

I associate being female not with identity, but with vulnerability and honestly, shame. Not because there’s anything wrong with being a woman, but because of what was done to me. My body became a place of pain and objectification.

That disconnection created this emotional space where I’m not cis, not trans, not nonbinary, but something unnamed. I don’t fit into any category, because this isn’t about “finding my gender.” It’s about living in the mess of one that never formed naturally. I’m left with pieces and thinking, “None of this feels like me, but this is my body and my life.”

I relate to transmascs and incel like people, not because I want to be them, but because they reflect my chaos back at me. The alienation. The dysphoria. The obsessive thoughts. The self destruction. The weird ways mental illness shows up when you’ve been neglected, objectified, and starved emotionally. I’m not copying anyone, I’m seeing familiarity in other people.

Deep down, I feel more like a stray than a person. Not elegant, not whole, not soft and broken in a beautiful way, but gnarly and animalistic. I crave structure but I’m afraid of it. I want touch but I’m repulsed by my vulnerability. I imagine myself muzzled, collared, chained, not because it’s some fantasy, but because it feels real. Like that’s what I deserve, what I’ve been reduced to.

It’s nearly impossible for me to explain properly. Even this post doesn’t do it justice. I don’t hate being called a woman, and I don’t mind it, but I feel no real connection to the word or to womanhood.

Anyway does anyone else feel like this?

[theoldlesbianwithcats]

nanshe fest anon here, haha let me invent a callsign .... how about Rio :)

i totally relate to what you mean when you said you are not able to distinguish between the "lesbian" and bisexual experience shared in that interview. things like this hindered my ability to understand what my sexuality even was, since i cant relate to either of them. then i read "lesbian books" and dont understand how they can have sex with men without a mental breakdown. i had a mental breakdown about my sexuality when i was pressured to marry, tried DIY conversion therapy on myself but when i faced with the option of even touching a man sexually, death seemed better because how could i live like that? theres no way. of course this made my mental health worse but not to trauma dump - i am ok now, so dont worry.

the anon who talked about strap ons was also very insightful. the focus on strap-on contributed to me developing a severe sense of dysphoria around my genitalia with this depression that i would never be able to have a "real" sex life.

this is why it is so important for lesbian experiences to be heard, i think the queer spaces are making things worse for us, particularly when we are young and vulnerable. also i am from a non-english speaking country, where homosexuality is still criminal so i could only turn to these spaces for support. i think even in countries such as the US, its the same for a lot of lesbian girls in rural towns... they turn to these spaces for help online since its so scary to be a child in a violent homophobic family. maybe they get helped because its worse than nothing. but also it can screw with ur mind a lot. my dream lesbian event would be to hear from more lesbians of color who grew up outside west europe/us/canada... i had to leave my birth country to be able to have a future. but i feel so awkward to be the only lesbian of color in the room 99% of the time. its not that the white women are cruel, dont misunderstand me, they can be lovely and supportive. but it adds an extra level of alienation, because so many times in my country people would call homosexuality as a white persons invention. of course i know that lesbians exist elsewhere but it would be nice to see that in person at these events!

-rio

Hi again, Rio! :D

Yeah it's messed up that even in the "lesbian community" we think we're freaks so we don't even dare talking about our experience! I grew up in a small town and I remember discreetly reading sex ed books for teens at the bookshop for any info or positivity about lesbians, instead I would only find a paragraph telling me it's a phase. So tumblr was my lesbian safe space back in 2010, for example the "it gets better" campaign really helped me when I was bullied in high-school (unfortunately now that charity pretends they have no idea what a lesbian is...) Now the lesbian content is awful and lesbophobic everywhere, offline and online.

And I feel you about lesbian books, I finally got around to reading one I bought years ago because it was recommended to me and it was about two "lesbians" leaving their husbands for each other... We need book lists with actual lesbian rep!

All the strap-on stuff invading lesbian spaces is so weird yeah... A few minutes ago I clicked on a blog because she was talking about wanting to finger a woman while having acrylic nails, which made me go 🤨 and while she called herself a lesbian, it was obvious she wasn't, it was all talk about c*ckwarming and deepthr*ating ("but it's only for strap and girlc*ck, if you're a man do not interact!!!!" 🤪) I don't know if you had sex already but let me tell you that you are not lacking anything and no real lesbian will think you need a sex toy to be a complete partner and have real sex, she will only want you as you are. I mean, my ex-gf and I never even considered trying a strap-on and we definitely thought the sex we were having was real and amazing haha

About meeting lesbians of color, maybe you can find events on Instagram? I wondered why I never saw many women of color at lesbian events in Paris until I learned that black women preferred creating their own events and advertising them on Insta! Maybe you can also find an organization for LGBT refugees? Hopefully you can meet lesbians there :)

[tempestgnostic]

hot take but i don’t understand why some folks are so pressed about endogenic systems using stuff like pluralkit, pimplyplural, etc. or even just being in plural spaces. readmore because this may get long

i’ve never really been involved in ‘syscourse’ or whatever because i have better things to do and i recognize that watching teenagers fight on the internet is not the best thing for my own mental health. i feel my brain cells dying at an accelerating rate everytime i see the disk-horse going on around me. it’s like peeking into this strange world that i’m only tangentially related to.

for the record, i have no fucking clue why i’m plural, and i have no urge to find out. i’m not in a place where i can just root around in my trauma to try and find the source. does that mean i shouldn’t use these resources that’ve helped me and my headmates so much? or does that only apply to systems who call themselves endogenic? i’m genuinely asking here.

i mean, i get where y’all are coming from. when i was going through crippling gender dysphoria, before i was able to get on HRT or even cut my hair, i was so fucking angry at people who used neopronouns, or had xenogenders, or even just folks who said they didn’t have gender dysphoria. i felt like they were treating my very real, very distressing medical issue (which is how i saw it at the time—i no longer do) as a joke, as a fun playground to fuck around in. i don’t think we’re that different in that regard. i know how difficult it is to go through all these painful experiences, and then see others with vastly different lives calling themselves by the same labels as us, when we have almost nothing in common.

but that’s the thing: regardless of how you feel about them personally, a lot of these folks are having very real plural experiences, and they’re using the vocabulary they know to describe it. ‘system.’ ‘plural.’ ‘headmate.’ and yet they’re also using endogenic to distinguish between their experiences and yours. you seem to want them to coin their own words for all of the nuances of their plurality, but why? why not use the words we have, and recognize that ‘being plural’ is a simple shorthand that easily encompasses all of these different ways of, well, being plural?

there are many ways to be ‘trans.’ there are many ways to be ‘plural.’ that’s why we add modifiers, but the base is the same because there’s a broader, shared experience. asking endogenics to go off and just bootstrap their own resources, rather than using what’s already available, is nonsense. and demanding that they come up with their own words for every nuance of their identity is how we end up with shit like MOGAI. (oh, wait, plural MOGAI already exists. it’s called pluralpedia, and it’s a fucking mess.)

it’s fine to have spaces where you can talk about traumagenic system experiences without interference from folks whose plurality isn’t connected to trauma—though i’d argue there are quite a few ‘endos’ who haven’t yet made the connection between their own trauma and plurality. hell, i’d be pissed if i was part of a private group geared towards trans people who experience dysphoria, and somebody came in and started talking about how we should ‘love our bodies the way they are!’ or whatever. but that’s not something every non-dysphoric trans person would do. that’s something assholes do, and they come in every flavor of identity.

anyways, i should probably get to work instead of writing ridiculously long essays about this shit. peace

[eccentricphilosoph]

You say “transition isn’t for everyone” as if it’s just a simple lifestyle choice that has no permanent physical consequences

This isn’t like being bi-curious at all, if you want to make such a comparison…

I have 3 friends who were all in the same friend circle that will live with their bodies forever changed while they continue to live as men since they realized they were not women and detransitioned.

Do you realize how dismissive it is to say “well, it’s not for everyone” in the face of this??? This isn’t like getting a tattoo or plastic surgery because it’s supposed to be a medical treatment or a treatment to help with gender identity issues. However, if it is comparable to plastic surgery or tattoos, then it’s not an identity issue but a cosmetic issue isn’t it? That would be hypocritical.

Of course it’s not for everyone! That’s the problem. The fact they were all unquestioningly supported by peers, people online, doctors, therapists, etc without a thorough assessment for chronic gender dysphoria, in order to transition for 3 years is a problem. It’s like the opioid epidemic where they were being overprescribed… people not receiving the proper care and treatment.

One of the men was gay and two enjoyed the idea of being femboys. All of them were lonely, depressed, mentally unstable, and into fetishistic porn, which I’m sure had a big part to play in how they perceived their sexual desires and how it played out in how they presented and perceived their own bodies.

They all dropped off and out of the friend group after a couple years into hormones.

One specifically spoke to friends about how bad the hormones messed him up mentally.

I am so tired of people dismissing my detransitioned friends and their experiences when they’re already such mentally vulnerable people who didn’t deserve to be put through such a difficult situation that wasn’t for them. Because no one is allowed to question them and their identity and were supported to transition by peers and clinicians, they were put in such a position.

How offensive, disrespectful, and heartless is the response to mentally ill people having been put through such an experience when they didn’t have to with “it’s not for everyone”.

It’s cold and calculating and selfish and shows you want to turn a blind eye to those vulnerable people who were let down by lack of safekeeping in both the trans space and the medical space. And that you only care about yourself and your experiences. How hypocritical to want everyone to placate to your experiences and beliefs but care not about others.

What pride is there in behaving this way toward people who are suffering and need help? Their existence doesn’t negate the existence of trans people, just like the mere existence of trans people doesn’t negate the existence of cis people. The hypocrisy is becoming more and more palpable.

(don’t you hate hypocrites who’ve hurt you in the past? Why do you continue to let them control how you behave toward others by being the same kind of hypocrites as them?)

[screamingtofu]

Friend! Pass the happy ☺️ When you receive this, list 5 things that make you happy and send this to 10 of the most recent people in your notifications! ✨ 💜

FRIEND!!!

There are many things that make me happy

- Bees (no surprises there, I get very excited and travelled to Tasmania purely on the chance I would get to see bumblebees for the first time)

- When I'm talking to someone and they're about to launch into a story and they go "OK so" right beforehand. It's like a activation phrase for the serotonin because I know they're gonna be talking about something they're passionate about and I like seeing the little spark in their eyes

- Hardspace Shipbreaker, I have never had a game hook me so thoroughly. Just slowly moving through space, systematically disassembling derelict spaceships and unionising with the other workers against a corrupt corporation while listening to dnd podcasts took up way to much of my time. Hits all the good brain buttons

- Estradot estradiol 100mg patches, I cannot contain how much starting hrt has been an absolute godsend to my mental health, like genuinely wild to think about how much dysphoria was messing me up and everyday I get to slap the titty patch on me is better than the last

- This stray cat that's been visiting us the last week or so that we're slowly trying to kidnap so we can take them to the vet to see if they have an owner or not and if no, then oh darn we get another cat

[arzen-vilchis]

Disclaimers

I intend to do HORROR. So expect the uncomfortable, the gross and messy, expect cruelty. I don’t do unproblematic or apolitical. And I don’t do sanitized. I shouldn’t have to say this, but I will anyways. Just because I wrote it, that doesn’t mean I endorse the messed up stuff in it. This is for the horror writers are evil because they write about evil, crowd. This is a queer story, and queer stories don’t owe palatability to anyone. With that being said. There will be potentially triggering themes or scenes. Please be mindful of your well-being. Here is a list so you can know if this story may be harmful for your mental health.

Potential triggers include, but are not exclusive to:

Allusions to Sexual Assault of Children

Child Abuse

Sexual Violence

Violence toward children, women, and queer people

Forced Pregnancy

Body Horror

Body Dysmorphia

Death

Gender Horror

Gender Dysphoria

Misogyny

Conversion Therapy

Misgendering

Use of Deadnames

Bigotry

Religion (Catholicism/Christianity)

The characters in this story are mostly kids and queer teens. And bad things—really bad things—happen to them. Not because I think they deserve it, but because again, this is horror. However, I understand, trust me; I do, that reading about awful violent things happening to children and specially queer children is hard. If this is something that hits you especially hard, this may not be the story for you. And that is perfectly fine.

I’m transmasc and genderfluid, and again, I shouldn’t have to say it. But there it is. I am queer. And I don’t like the concept of “Good Queer Representation” because it is often used to make sure we don’t get anything complex. It makes it so we don’t see queer people, queer characters in media. Only perfect cardboard cutouts of acceptable gays. Respectable gays that you can easily assimilate into ‘CisHet’ society. It leaves no space for complexity and diversity. For messiness. And being queer is being messy and complex and weird. Not for everyone, but that’s the point. Being queer can mean so many things, you cannot flatten it. My queerness is messy. And I love IT. So I want my characters to be wrong, and petty and mean. I want them to be flawed. To be human. Like me. So don’t expect good queer representation here. You won’t find any.

If you believe this might trigger or hurt you if you read it, DON’T. Please don’t read it. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. I love pushing myself into dark spaces on purpose. But even I don’t walk into stories I know will harm my mental health.

Fiction should disturb. It shouldn’t damage. That’s the line. And I trust you to know where yours is.

[pipsquawks]

Why College Feels Like an Uphill Battle for Transgender Students

College is supposed to be this exciting next step in life, right? But for a lot of transgender students like me, it can feel more like an obstacle course. It's not just about grades or choosing the right major. For us, it’s about navigating a world that wasn’t built with us in mind, and dealing with a whole bunch of financial, emotional, and logistical hurdles that are... pretty exhausting. And honestly, a lot of it feels like things could be a lot easier if the system just got us.

Here’s a glimpse of what makes it so challenging.

1. The Financial Stress

Let’s talk money first. College is already expensive, but for many transgender students, the financial strain is a whole other beast. A lot of us start at a disadvantage. The reality is that many transgender people face discrimination in the workplace, which often means lower wages and fewer opportunities. That impacts our ability to save for college, pay for living expenses, or even afford basic things like textbooks and school supplies. If your family isn’t supportive of your gender identity, you’re left having to figure out how to manage all this on your own, or with limited outside help.

Then there’s the whole financial aid mess. The FAFSA, which is supposed to help students get financial support, doesn’t always take into account the unique challenges transgender students face. For example, if you’re trying to fill it out with a gender that doesn’t match the one on your documents, it can create a whole lot of confusion. You end up stuck in bureaucratic limbo, just trying to get the funds you need to pay tuition. It’s frustrating, to say the least. And if you do manage to get financial aid, you may be looking at loans or grants that don’t account for things like transition-related medical expenses, which can be expensive. You might feel like you’re barely treading water.

2. A Lack of Support Systems

Okay, even if you somehow get the financial stuff sorted, there’s the whole emotional side of things. College should be a place where you can grow, explore who you are, and feel safe, right? But for many transgender students, it’s a mixed bag. It’s not that the resources aren’t there in some places—they are, slowly—but they’re often inconsistent.

Finding gender-neutral bathrooms, housing that aligns with your identity, or mental health professionals who understand transgender issues—these can all be a huge challenge. It’s like, you’re just trying to exist in a system that doesn’t necessarily have your back. And let’s not even talk about professors or students who may not get it, or worse, may actively discriminate. That kind of thing can wear you down fast.

The stress of worrying about whether your identity is going to be accepted (or worse, ridiculed) can prevent you from focusing on your studies. It might even make you second-guess every social interaction or every class discussion. You’re not just trying to get a degree; you’re trying to stay emotionally afloat in a space that wasn’t built for you.

3. Mental Health and Feeling Like You’re Always Fighting

The mental health struggles for transgender students are real. Even if you’re in a supportive environment, being a trans person in a world that’s not always accepting can take a toll. Things like gender dysphoria are real, and dealing with that while managing the stress of school can be overwhelming. Some days, it’s hard enough to get out of bed, let alone make it to class, let alone focus on the material.

And let’s be real—sometimes, you just don’t feel like you can talk about it. Not every campus offers mental health services that are equipped to deal with trans-related issues. The last thing you want is to talk to a counselor who doesn’t understand what you’re going through, or worse, who makes you feel like your identity is just a phase. That’s a huge barrier for a lot of us. Some campuses are doing better about providing affirming care, but it’s still very hit or miss, depending on where you are.

4. The Extra Weight of Medical Transition Needs

For those of us transitioning, there’s a whole other level of complexity. Medical transition, whether that’s hormones, surgeries, or therapy, isn’t cheap—and it’s not always covered by health insurance. So if you’re a student who’s already juggling schoolwork, part-time jobs, and trying to live within a tight budget, adding the financial strain of transition-related healthcare can feel like a heavy weight on top of everything else.

There’s also the constant navigating of healthcare providers who may or may not understand what you need. Some of us are lucky enough to find doctors who are knowledgeable and affirming, but a lot of the time, it’s like we have to educate the healthcare system about our own bodies. It’s exhausting and adds a whole extra layer of anxiety to an already stressful time.

5. The Social and Identity Struggles

And then, of course, there’s the whole social side of things. You’re trying to make friends, figure out who you are, and just... live your life. But being a trans person in college can feel like you’re constantly explaining yourself. There’s always the fear of being “outed” or having to navigate conversations where people are insensitive, or worse, just plain ignorant about what it means to be trans. And you know that even if you don’t say anything, people are probably making assumptions about you based on your appearance or your voice. It can be isolating and frustrating.

If you're also part of other marginalized groups—like being a person of color, or coming from a lower-income background—the pressure multiplies. It’s not just about being trans, it’s about navigating multiple layers of discrimination at once. That intersectionality is something that often gets overlooked in conversations about inclusion and diversity, but for many of us, it’s a huge part of our reality.

So, what’s the answer to all of this?

Honestly, I don’t know. It feels like there’s a long way to go before college is a truly inclusive space for transgender students. But I do know that things are changing, bit by bit. Some schools are getting better at offering resources, some are creating more inclusive policies, and there are scholarships and financial aid specifically for LGBTQ+ students. It’s not perfect, but it’s a start.

The biggest thing, though, is just feeling like we belong. College should be a place where you’re allowed to be your full, authentic self without fear or shame. For transgender students, that’s still a dream we’re working toward.

Until then, we keep pushing. We keep fighting. And we keep supporting each other. Because at the end of the day, we deserve that college experience as much as anyone else.

https://www.onlinedegree.com/transgender-first-scholarship/#apply

[rosiewitchescottage]

My Opening Address at the Canadian Senate (THE SAAD TRUTH_420)

Yes!  Dr Gad Saad is fantastic. He sticks with a non negotiable insistence on fact and truth, whilst also managing to retain compassion for the rich variety of human expression, and a sense of humour.

And I’m right with him. Yes. People can be transgender, this is nothing new and there are people with intersex conditions.

But it’s a simple fact that as human beings we are one of two biological sexes.

Intersex persons are either male or female, but it may be harder to tell which one, because of the disorder affecting them. This is not some magical ‘third sex’

Up until ‘five minutes ago’. We all knew that people who are transgender are who they are because of gender dysphoria, a recognised mental health disorder.

Unable to bear the maleness of manhood or the femaleness or woman, the sufferer lives as the opposite sex, sometimes with medication or surgery to mimic the biology of the sex they’re living as.

And that’s fine. It’s not messing with biology. In fact innate biological sex, and a discomfort with it, is the whole point of living as the opposite sex, surely?

Men don’t menstruate or give birth. It’s ridiculous to say so. Transmen are biological females, the same as women, and it’s being female that’s important.

Women, the vast majority of adult female people don’t appreciate not being talked of as what we are. And more and more are speaking up about it.

Let’s be realistic about this please. If you live as a trans man and menstruate or get pregnant, then regardless of how you live the rest of your life as a man, amongst the males of our species. 

In these matters you are squarely in the FEMALE realm. And like it or not, the majority of people sharing it with you are women.

Do I say that a transwoman is a woman the same as I am?  No, because she’s male and I’m female. The differences don’t simply melt away*.

 She’s a transwoman. The difference doesn’t make her any lesser, She’s just not exactly the same.  

I’m happy to meet her where she is. Just not where someone tells me I should pretend that she is.

I respect that she’s living ‘as’ a woman, and I will treat her as one. As long as she is respectful when using women’s spaces, then I don’t have a problem.

There’s a vast difference between a transwoman who simply goes into a private stall in a women’s toilet and out again, without any indication to anyone that she’s a male.

And a Lea Thomas, stripping off and displaying male genitalia to female teammates who can’t even say that it makes them uncomfortable, without getting into trouble.

Then Lea beats all competition, and no one is expected to comment that her being a biological male of over 6 ft tall might have something to do with that.

*And no, The differences don’t begin and end with genitalia or even with reproductive organs.

Every cell that contains a nucleus, in our bodies, has the imprint of male or female on it, from birth until death. 

We can’t just wipe that away.

[transfatliberation]

i debated whether or not I wanted to say anything about this for a good few minutes, but i feel held hostage by my brain, like this is something i won't be able to let go unless i get this out. but before i do, while i have a completely different viewpoint, i want to just voice my respect for how touchy a subject this is and how there can be a lot of hurt around it. additionally, you seem like a pretty cool person, so i hate to have what's my first interaction with you seemingly be ✨discourse✨, tho that's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes i guess.

i was also a trans girl from birth, despite it having taken me a long time to realize it, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. however, there are people for whom gender IS more fluid, or even just change genders once at some point and never again. not sex characteristics, actual genders, like in their brains, the proper usage of the word, which can be muddied sometimes when talking about subjects like this. lots of eggs just starting to crack also think they have a fetish for being the other gender, and it turns out, nah fam, it's not a fetish, it just FEELS like it because gender affirmation just feels REALLY GOOD when you first start out bc you've lacked it for so long. heck, sometimes dysphoria is just interpreted as a longing or wanting to be the other gender, rather than a feeling of "this is what i am". tho I didn't really pick up on anything fetishy from the ask? i can be bad at reading between the lines tho, so i admit i might have just missed out on it. but regardless, I don't think it matters for that reason and the others I'll get into.

i also figured out i was a feedee maybe like a year before my egg cracked. i consider it a fetish, yes, but it's more than that. i think it's also part of my identity. in fact, the dysphoria created by being what I thought was a "guy feedee" and gaining weight in masculine areas REALLY messed up my psyche for that good year or so before the crack happened and hrt started redistributing it. have you SEEN the way gainers and feedees talk about their changing bodies, irrespective of their gender? there's a HUGE amount of overlap between the way people intentionally gaining weight talk about the ways their bodies are changing, and the way trans people talk about the changes their body goes through on hrt. my weight redistribution has been INCREDIBLY gender-affirming, and i would be in a much worse mental space without it. i'd even go so far as to say, changing weight can be just as much a gender-affirming thing as getting a pair of glasses you like or getting your hair just right. all of that though to get to my full point... i strongly feel there are no rules as far as what someone wants to do or be with their body, or the reasons for it, as long as they're informed. if someone gains weight purely because of fetish, so be it. if someone gains weight bc it's gender-affirming and has no fetish whatsoever, so be it, or some combination of the two. if someone's not ready to accept they're trans yet but thinks "heeheehoohoo boobs somft" if amab or "hoohooheehee facial hair and/or deeper voice" if afab, and they decide to go on HRT, great! If they NEVER decide they're trans but do that, that's okay! and if they decide to change multiple of those at once, that's cool too. our bodies, our labels, and even our selves as a whole are not our temples, they're our playgrounds to do whatever we want with. being trans is ALL ABOUT being free to accept who you are. so anon, if you want to be a fat girl, you BE that fat girl. no one can stop you. even now, my brain wants to qualify it with "just be aware of how society might treat you different," but I don't think a single person considering gaining weight OR engaging in genderfuckery hasn't considered the social ramifications of their choices. so, if you wanna do it, do it.

Lately the idea of not only becoming a woman, but also starting to gain weight when I am a woman has crossed my mind, and it really scares me how much I am considering it, what do you say girl?

What the fuck do people who send me stuff like this expect me to say??? Here’s what I wanna say to you: FUCK OFF. “Become a woman” I didn’t become a woman when I transitioned I’ve been one since I was born. Get that through your fucking heads. I think you should TALK TO A THERAPIST. Hey guess what being trans is FUCKING HARD. It’s not a fun little fetish. It’s our LIFE. Do you have any idea what it’s like? The fear of going out, the pain. The looks people give you. Being afraid of your own VOICE. The social issues. “Oh, you’re dating a TRANS girl??” If you think you might be trans you can talk to me about that but fucking stop associating it with your fucking fetishes. God I am more than that. We are more than that

[tourettesdog]

A list of some of my personal favorite Danny Fenton headcanons in no particular order:

Transmasc 

Ace and bi (he figures out he’s ace much faster than bi)

He’s very short, roughly 5′1″-5′2″ (Sam is the tallest of the trio)

The portal accident fucked up Danny’s hormones (partly why he’s so short-- also he doesn’t menstruate anymore which is a small win)

Danny’s ghost form is moderately influenced by his mental image of himself, making him appear somewhat more masculine (slightly broader shoulders, a flatter chest)

He has white pupils in Phantom form, but also white sclera (for the aesthetic)

Eyebags for days

His eyes have a subtle glow to them, even when human

Danny doesn’t feel hungry unless he’s overexerted himself/been injured. He still needs to eat semi-regularly to maintain his human body’s condition, but the ectoplasm in Amity Park keeps him comfy

Has to eat Entirely Too Much food if he leaves Amity Park for any period of time to make up for the energy deficit

Can technically survive without ectoplasm, but his ghost half is healthier/stronger through absorbing or consuming ectoplasm regularly

He drinks (usually filtered) ectoplasm when he needs a pick-me-up

Entirely too much coffee, containing worrying amounts of caffeine

Danny has a very hard time putting on weight and muscle and stays pretty scrawny

Does age, but more slowly

He has lichtenberg figures going up his left arm and at least across part of his chest. The scars are white when human, but green when a ghost.

His left hand is messed up from the portal accident. Nerve issues, chronic pain, unreliable grip strength.

He wears a sweatshirt pretty much everywhere, regardless of the temperature. It hides the scars, dysphoria, and is comfy

Danny has a Lot of scars and keeps getting more. For obvious reasons.

His human blood looks normal enough, but close inspection reveals green flecks-- vise versa for the ectoplasm he bleeds as Phantom. If an injury becomes bad enough, the opposite color starts to seep in

He’s very cold to the touch as Phantom, and somewhat cold as human. Once he gets control of his ice powers, he can willfully adjust his temperature a certain amount at the cost of some energy

No heartbeat as Phantom, very slow heartbeat while human

He doesn’t really need to breathe as Phantom, but does so anyway out of habit and instinct

Breathing as Phantom still has some benefits; mostly in being able to calm him down

Fangs in both forms. Not super big ones, he can hide them if he’s careful, but they’re there.

Danny has a healthy fear of electricity. Lightning storms make him anxious and uncomfortable physically (uncomfy, staticky sensations)

He’s very touch-starved and likes to cuddle with his friends. Doesn’t like being touched by people he’s not close to.

He’s very close with Jazz and confides a lot in her. She’s the first person he comes out as trans to

He loves his parents but is genuinely terrified of them after becoming a halfa and struggles to feel close to them (I also like angst so I err on the side of his parents reacting Badly, and Danny and Jazz slowly at least resenting their parental neglect more and more as they get older)

Danny likes to vibe around with a spectral tail more than legs. Will drape/coil the tail over any surface and sometimes friends (usually in summer, or once he can control his temp better)

Ghost core thrumming/humming/pulsing shenanigans with emotions

His core purrs when he’s very happy

He does have an Obsession and it is to either protect or help (I like both equally)

Danny’s Obsession involves (protecting/taking care of) himself as well, but he’s Bad at that. Good friends help. 

He does not pursue a job at NASA. He still loves the stars, but after exploring the Infinite Realms and experiencing so much existential dread, he craves comfort more than the unknown (I am personally terrified of space so that influences this I’m sorry!!!)

He gets Really good at making ice sculptures and sells them. He can control the chill of the ice, making it less of a hazard

If/when he takes up the mantle of Ghost King, he maintains strong ties to the human world 

His ghostly wail always sounds like his 14-year-old dying screams and Sam, Tucker, and Jazz are very upset by it

When Danny’s angry or upset, his ice powers easily bleed into his human form, dropping the temperature and creating frost around him if he’s not careful

He can use his core to keep him cool in summer, but it exhausts his energy badly since he’s not meant for hot weather

Danny still feels the cold when human, though he has a much higher tolerance for it. He prefers cold temperatures, but sometimes he likes being warm just for the sake of being warm (especially when he’s anxious or wants to cuddle)

He gets overstimulated easily by sounds and smells (unaided by enhanced ghost senses)

He doesn’t need to sleep as much as a regular human, but still can’t manage to sleep enough (either due to insomnia, nightmares, or rude interruptions)

YE

I have a lot of other contradictory headcanons I like too, but I just wanted to include ones that can coexist in this list

[strikersexhaver]

Alright, I’ll bite. How about both sfw and nsfw headcannons for Striker dating a trans masc AFAB with autism and ADHD, and who often struggles with anxiety, gender dysphoria and sometimes dissociation? (If it helps to know, I often cope through stimming with rubbing soft/smooth textures and with pressure stims such as hugs/squeezes and weighted blankets). Make it as long or as short you need to, anything that you can come up with for Striker dealing with/reacting to these things I’d be interested in reading. (For the sake of my own comfort though, say I have top surgery, refer to the naughty bits as a cock/dick, and only use he/him pronouns for the reader) I hope this isn’t too much to ask!

Also…god damn I am addicted to this man’s voice and I wish he could just vibrate my entire body with his rumbles and snake sounds gkdnfkdndn

To be fair… Me too, me too 😭😭… I love his voice, both voices are amazing to me. And also sure, I can do this! I have autism so I can put some firsthand experience in here as well !! Plus, my brother is trans, I used to take care of him during his transition.

CW for NSFW under the ‘read more’ cut!

Personally, Striker didn’t think or care much about you being trans.

Don’t get him wrong- he supports and loves you but he doesn’t really care about gender. He mostly sees you for you, and your strength-

He does respect the courage of coming out, or being bold with it since-

In Hell there’s more than a just a little amount of assholes lurking around.

He’ll be right by your side if you ever wanted him to fight for you or deal with dipshits.

Back on track though, he would help you in transitioning if you asked- via HRT shots, helping you afford the surgeries required to make you feel comfortable in your own body.

When he sees how you looked like when everything healed, he’ll say you’re sexier than ever.

(If you were an imp, he’d help paint your horns to be the more thick black and white lines like other men imp, if you wanted that of course)

Now as for relating to things like autism and ADHD, you’d have to explain a lot to him. Because I highly doubt Hell has a good educational system about mental health.

He enjoys hearing you talk, about this or fixations little or larger ones like hyper-fixations. He likes your voice, regardless of how it may be.

(Also- if you stopped wanting to take HRT for a while and you had a voice drop, he’d be mad confused)

But for other things such as flooding, he’d try to calm you down in the best way he could without stimulating you further.

As for meltdowns, he doesn’t know how to deal with them. He really does not, so he gives you space. At least on the first time, if it bothered you and you came to him on what to do when it happened again, he’d listen.

He’s not going to be the best, but he’s never gonna lay a hand on you during this state.

Speaking of, if you had certain sensory issues with touch- he’d be mindful to check to see if you’re up for physical contact.

He will mess up, sometimes forgetting entirely, but that’s only after a long day of killing and shooting.

He’d learn how to not just tap your shoulder for your attention, like waving a hand in front of you or tapping the table you were sitting at or anything really.

If you had certain tastes in exact textures or clothes that’d make you more comfortable, he’d try getting a few to make you feel better- same for weighted blankets once he learns of them.

He’s not afraid to steal for you if you needed it-

As for sound related issues, if for example you had an issue with metal scraping metal. He’d take you to a different area. If it was from him, he’d take it somewhere else where you cannot hear.

To be honest, if you brought it up saying you wished you had something to shut things out or turn out the noise.

He’d absolutely- 100% get you noise cancelling headphones, if they were expensive- fuck it, he’ll steal it- he’s not above murder so why would he be above stealing? He lives to see that joyful smile on your face- even if it’s for a brief second before you return to your resting face.

He knows you loved it, it boosts his ego and gives him a serotonin boost.

As for anxiety, if it was social anxiety and you didn’t like speaking up to others- this mf will do it for you, he has no problem, he loves talking.

Now to NSFW, Striker he still loves talking- not as much, but if you’re into it you’ll be hearing a lot of praise.

He’ll give masculine nicknames like ‘Good boy~’ if you were into that, if not he’ll stop.

But knowing firstly knowing his voice, you don’t and probably won’t tell him to stop.

Also- speaking of stopping, previously going to back to boundaries. He’d ask you firmly what you did not want him to do or not, gender-related or not.

He’ll experiment with you, trying to see if you’d prefer being a top or a bottom. Because some people prefer having roles that suit / fit their gender identity.

(A/N at least from my perspective, some people do! Not everyone ofc)

(Striker will always try to be the dom though- regardless-)

(A/N) Hope it was good! Please let me know how it is, I’m always open to critique and sorry the NSFW part was so short I simply couldn’t think of much! I’m not trans (depending on how you see nb people DJSNHA) well- ftm, but if I did or said anything wrong or wrote anything wrong let me know!

Also, requests are open!

[simplyotometrash]

Masterlist and Rules

Masterlist and Rules

Writing Rules

I will write not write NSFW content. I'm asexual and honestly don't know how to do it.

Ask for a specific character and a scenario! For Example: “A proposal scenario with Gavin” would be something I take!

I take headcanon requests as well!!

I am allowed to deny requests that I am not comfortable with. Don’t take it personally. I won’t write self-harm or suicidal scenarios because those are things that upset me.

Once I reblog prompts, I will gladly do prompt requests!!

I will always write with they/them pronouns unless otherwise specified!

I am allowed to deny requests for any reason. If I'm not sure I can write it, I'll probably deny it.

I honestly don't like writing angst or hurt/comfort very much. If I feel like I'm in a good mental space, I'll give it a go. This is a mostly comedy and fluff space.

I won’t write pregnancy stuff. I’m not comfortable with it. Pregnancy freaks me out.

I will NEVER write yandere content. Period.

My requests are open unless otherwise specified so go nuts!

Masterlist

Obey Me:

Valentine's Day Headcanons (Brothers)

MC Never Shows Their Legs Due to Random Scratches and Bruises (Brothers)

Yearbook Prank

Cuddling with the Demon Brothers (All Brothers)

MC Gets Cold Easy (Brothers)

MC Snaps Seeing Their Childhood Bully (Brothers)

MC Gets Cold Easy pt 2 (Dateables)

MC is Upfront About Their Feelings

MC Plays Otome Games (Brothers)

What They Smell Like

MC Struggles to Open Things (Brothers)

MC Starts Off Shy but Hits it Off with One of the Brothers (all brothers)

Cosplayer MC (Brothers)

Your Arms Feel Safe (Brothers + Diavolo)

MC Turns Into MSheep!

How The Brothers Like to Hold Hands

How The Brothers Like to Hug

You Had a Bad Day (Demon Bros)

Wearing Their Clothes (Brothers)

Comforting You (Brothers)

Random Headcanons pt 1

MC's Birthday is on Valentine's Day

MC Has Chronic Migraines (Brothers)

The Brothers’ Love Languages

MC Says I Love You for the First Time (Brothers)

MC Has a Funny Laugh (Brothers + Diavolo)

MC Gives Them Cute Nicknames (Lucifer and Diavolo)

MC Opens Things With Their Teeth (Brothers)

MC Sits in a Salt Circle (Older Brothers)

MC Sits in a Salt Circle (Younger Brothers)

MC Has Chronic Anemia (Levi, Asmo, Belphie)

Songs I Associate With Them

MC is Close to Snapping (Brothers)

Asking The Brothers to Lay on Top of You

Asking Them To Lay on Top of You (Diavolo, Barbatos, Solomon, Simeon)

Levi, Asmo, and Belphie With an MC Who Snorts When They Laugh

Lucifer:

Lucifer Headcanons Part 1

Lucifer Headcanons Part 2

MC Plays Mystic Messenger

Demon Purrs (Lucifer)

A Duet Between Lovers

Summoning Him at the Wrong Time (For Him)

Mammon:

Mammon Headcanons Part 1

Mammon Headcanons Part 2

Mammon Sings Treasure by Bruno Mars to MC

Shirt Sleeves (Mammon x Reader)

Who They Are (Mammon)

Demon Purrs (Mammon)

Levi:

Demon Purrs (Leviathan)

The Henry to His Lord of Shadows

Tickling Levi to Cheer Him Up

Levi Comfort Headcanons

Levi Headcanons Part 1

Levi Headcanons Part 2

Full Fluff Alphabet

Jealous Levi x Male! Reader, Headcanons

Your Turn

Satan:

Demon Purrs (Satan)

Satan Headcanons Part 1

Rainy Afternoons (Satan x Reader)

Poly Satan x MC x Asmo SFW

Satan Comforts a MC Who is Having Family Problems

Asmo:

Demon Purrs (Asmodeus)

Full Fluff Alphabet

MC is Allergic to Chemically Made Makeup

Fashion Mess (Asmo x Reader)

Asmo Headcanons Part 1

Freckles (Asmo x Reader)

Anniversary Oneshot (Asmo x Reader)

Poly Satan x MC x Asmo

Sleepy Prompts with Asmo (Asmo x Reader)

Asmo Headcanons Part 2

Asmo x Reader with Dysphoria

Asmo x Reader (Preparing for their first night)

Asmo Headcanons Part 3, with Angst

Bed Hair (Asmo x Reader)

Asmo Comfort Headcanons

Asmo x Reader with Angst

Every Little Thing (Asmo x Reader)

Beauty Like This Should Be Illegal (Asmo x Reader)

Thigh Highs (Asmo x Male! Reader)

Let Me Help (Asmo x Reader)

Chocolate Kisses (Asmo x Reader)

Because It’s You

Beel:

Demon Purrs (Beelzebub)

Beel Headcanons Part 1

Sweetheart (Beel x Reader)

Beel Headcanons Part 2

Beel Comfort Headcanons

Full Fluff Alphabet

Belphie:

Demon Purrs (Belphegor)

Belphie Headcanons Part 1

Belphie Headcanons Part 2

Bed Hair (Belphie x Reader)

Full Fluff Alphabet

Belphie Comfort Headcanons

Mr Love Queen’s Choice:

What They Smell Like

Kiro:

Kiro x Alex (OC) Sunshine and Showers

Kiro x Alex (OC) Smile For Me

Kiro Headcanons Part 1

I Needed You (Kiro x Reader, fluff)

I’m Okay (Kiro x Reader)

Self Care With Kiro

Full Fluff Alphabet

Valentine's Day

Gavin:

Blind Dates (Gavin x Reader)

Your Happiness (Gavin x Reader)

Full Fluff Alphabet

Touch-Starved Gavin

Victor:

Blackberry Kisses

Mystic Messenger:

What They Smell Like

I Love You (Jaehee x Reader)

Jumin:

Elizabeth Doesn’t Want to Share (Jumin x reader)

MC Plays Obey Me

Jihyun:

Jihyun Kim Headcanons

[a-warhammer-nerd]

@yplk Thank you for being more cordial. I appreciate that. What you brought up with women having mental illness or fears surrounding men is a valid point, and one I was weighing too. I haven’t come to a full conclusion yet. One thing I know is that I’d prioritize women when it comes to them having intimate private spaces, including prisons, dressing rooms and DV an SA Victim centers. Those would be places to draw a hard line.

With events such as chess, that would be a different story. But taking a closer look on the question why chess is divided by gender, I see that the most prominent female only tournaments are highly esteemed: Women’s World Chess Championship and the Women’s Chess Olympiad.

In these particular events, yes, I will concede. What I was previously envisioning was something more local. My reasoning for concession is related to recognition of women.

The more important the event, the stricter the gate.

Now, on the other point you made about an under 15 division, that is different because of a basis of age. There is more in play and far heavy red flags of an adult wanting to compete against a child. It does not fully compare so I don’t consider it a strong argument.

What I do take in is your argument on intent. With how loose guidelines there are on the identification of trans people, yes, intent is difficult to prove. I do not deny creeps trying to use the trans label, or people even who are dysphoric and transitioning and still a threat. Such as Alana McLaughlin and Eli Erlick. Jeffrey Marsh is another can of evil. Then you have the rabid supporters. Evidenced by the crowd that kept Riley Gaines trapped in a room for hours after speaking out against injustices toward women by transwomen in the sport sector.

From that end, it would require an overhaul of who is passed through the medical system to begin with, and for the trans “community” to self police. But neither is occurring.

And on that speculation, it is asking a lot for a lot of patience from others who become collateral in this mess, even when asked by well intentioned transwomen.

@hyperdemona I do understand why women want exclusive spaces. And if you’ve chosen to read what I wrote previously in this reply, you would see where I will come to draw the line.

I didn’t elaborate yet because I want to keep that topic more in my address to you.

For one, I am a biological female. I have dysphoria surrounding my anatomy, and while on hormones I have had a reduction in various mental disorders. So I will continue.

That aside, I am also very aware of my vulnerabilities as a female, and I too am constantly on alert as I go on my daily life from a female perspective.

I know essentially nothing about you at this point of time, but I do read aggression in your tone. Venom is my perception. And I recognize that because when I am more passionate because something distresses me and the focus of my concern seems to be missed, I emphasize what it is I consider a threat. Given what I know from reading posts from other women with your stance, sometimes talking with them when there’s civility, I think it’s unfortunately very possible you’ve suffered greatly at the hands of men, and what you seek is a safe space across various settings, not just intimate spaces. On this end, the type of pain experienced here is greater than dysphoria. If transwomen are permitted, I would hope that for those who have trauma that accommodations could still be in place for them. But if there are mixed gender tournaments locally, then I see no reason transwomen should need access specifically to the female only tournaments.

What do you guys think about the recent ruling banning TIMs from women's chess? Was it necessary?