#Dysphoria and mess of a mental space

[milo-melon]

Been really exhausted from work lately hense much more reblogs than anything else will likely continue through the holiday season till drivers ed starts and there's even more kicking my ass so rip to anyone who followed for my rare original content (long venting in tags)

[ms-demeanor]

You posted about adhd and I was hoping to follow up to clarify something. I’ve explained to my partner a million times about how the borderline-hoarding mess of his space is very mentally draining to me, and he understands but we’ve both essentially accepted he won’t clean his mess because he can’t because of his adhd. You’re saying he’s actually being a shit head?

This isn't necessarily an issue of him being a shithead, but it also isn't a sustainable situation. It's not good for you and there's a level of clutter that's probably not good for him either.

Large bastard is a lot more clutter-y than I am. The solution we've come to is trying to keep our messes at least isolated from one another; he can have his messes and I can have mine, but he can have those messes in his spaces, not all over the place. Sometimes those messes migrate, and that's when it's important for him to make the effort to rein them in rather than trying and failing to make a daily effort to keep our entire shared space tidy.

I think when you say "we've both essentially accepted he won't clean his mess" what I'm hearing is resignation; you're not happy about this but you don't know what to do so you've thrown up your hands and he feels helpless and unsure of what to do to improve the situation. This is the kind of "it's fine" that isn't really fine.

I think it would be worthwhile for you to each separately think about the mess and talk about it together. Are there areas that YOU *need* to have not-messy? Both for utility and your mental health? Are there areas where you can tolerate more mess than otherwise? Are there areas that are going to be harder for him to keep the mess out of than others? Are there things he doesn't *know* about cleaning up the mess?

I'm obviously a big "communication communication communication" person so I'm going to recommend a lot of talking about stuff, which is probably going to mean a lot of thinking about and interrogating stuff. I'm going to say "talk to him about why the mess bothers you" which means you also have to really articulate to yourself why the mess bothers you (for instance I'm not actually *bothered* by a messy kitchen, but I know it's going to reflect badly on us - and me specifically b/c of presumed gender roles - if someone pops by and the kitchen is a disaster, AND a messy kitchen is going to be harder to use). Genuinely, sometimes knowing *why* something is a problem might make it easier for someone with ADHD to do something. And it's not that he doesn't care that it upsets you, it's just that "Oh if I don't wash my breakfast dishes Anon won't have clear counterspace to make lunch" might be stickier in his brain (and less hard to look at emotionally) than "this thing I forget to do upsets my partner so I should do it."

For the record, I think that people with ADHD should read up on Demand Avoidance and see if it might explain some of the issues that they have in their day-to-day life; I've seen some really unfortunate situations with friends where trying to do things that their partner needed became the subject of demand avoidance. *I* have experienced negative outcomes of demand avoidance. The solution to that, however, isn't to stop making attempts to do the thing OR to simply try harder to do as they're asked/told (which reinforces the demand), it's to work on setting up a situation where the partners' needs are not interpreted as a demand. This is fuck-off difficult and requires a lot of patience and care and many attempts to succeed and will be different for each person and relationship.

(Also for the record demand avoidance isn't *super* strongly linked to ADHD and it's not a definitive symptom; like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, it is something that occurs in some number of people with ADHD and can be a useful lens through which to examine various behaviors; you don't need to have DA or RSD to have ADHD, and having DA or RSD also doesn't invalidate your diagnosis; they're symptoms. For me, DA often feels like "if I don't look at it, it can't get me" - If I ignore all the messages I've got they aren't real and don't have real consequences so I'll just ignore my texts. If I don't look at the vendor email about the order, the problem with the order isn't real and it won't get added to my task list. If I don't look at the requests in my inbox I can't let people down when I don't do them. It's a self-protective coping mechanism but it's *maladaptive* and I can't just ignore the vendor email or all my texts. I need to work on a way of doing the stuff that I'm avoiding in a way that makes it less stressful and doesn't hurt the people relying on me. That takes a lot of effort, personal insight, trial and error, and )

But before I dive into specifics I want to be really really clear about one thing: sometimes people are simply incompatible. Sometimes one person has such a low tolerance for "mess" and the other person has such a high threshold for "mess" that it can't be reconciled. It sucks that this can end up being a thing that people break up over, but it is MUCH better to acknowledge incompatibility as early as possible instead of spending years and years building resentment.

There used to be a great forum called MiL's Anonymous that I spent a lot of time on. It had a lot of people in a lot of difficult situations struggling to get by and hold their relationships together. The question that was used as a litmus test to approach each situation was simple: If you knew today that everything about living with this person would be the same in five years, would you stay?

Because you can't control your partner. You can't control the future. You can only control yourself and your proximity to situations that are harmful to you. If you knew, 100%, that things wouldn't get better in five years, would you be okay with staying in this relationship? If the answer is "no," then that's that. Don't worry about questions of whether or not your boyfriend is a shithead, start the process of ending the relationship because there's a good chance the situation is going to be exactly the same in five years.

If the answer is "yes," and you'd stay in the relationship regardless of whether or not things changed, then it's time to take actions to improve your life within the context of the relationship.

(No judgement on that yes or no, btw. If you would hate living like this for another five years, and you would feel like you'd wasted your time and hadn't done the things you wanted to with your life, get out. Bail. Go. It will be better for you and better for your partner if you split instead of spending half a decade building resentments and and problems that you'll have to spend another half a decade healing from.)

Also, a note: you describe your boyfriend's mess as borderline hoarding - is the issue *mess* or is the issue *clutter*? I have friends who are very tidy, but whose homes are very cluttered. They like things, they have many things, they keep many things around, but their houses are always clean and well-dusted and orderly, just with a tremendous amount of *stuff.* I am addressing all of this as though the issue is mess, not clutter. If your boyfriend's situation is clutter (the space is busy and packed with things but it is functional and clean) and your issue isn't with *mess* (things out of place, things not having a place, things that need to be cleaned up gathering in stacks, falling behind on regular chores like laundry and dishes and taking out the trash) then you definitely need to assess whether or not you are compatible.

For instance here's a room that is messy but not cluttered compared to a room that is cluttered but not messy:

That first room is a *mess* but it would be very easy to clean up in under an hour. The second room is fairly tidy, but would take significant effort to pare down and declutter. BOTH of these can be difficult to live with but the second one is not dangerous or threatening to anyone's health. (The second one is QUITE cluttered and if every room in a house looks like this it can be overwhelming to live with; this is actually harder to deal with in a relationship than the first one in a lot of ways. I don't have a lot of advice for what to do if your partner is a high degree of tidy-but-cluttered because I don't actually think it's a problem or wrong to have thousands of books or bins full of lego or a million kitchen appliances as long as you have the space and can keep it safe and well-maintained; this is a really significant compatibility issue)

Okay, all that out of the way, here's the hard work.

Talk about this shit

Talk to your partner and define "mess." Make sure you are on the same page about what you mean when you're talking about what a messy room looks like versus what a tidy room looks like. Gather reference pictures. DRAW reference pictures.

Explain not just that the mess upsets you, but *why* and *how* it upsets you. In this context don't think of it as your boyfriend's mess, think of it as an unpleasant roommate. Discuss this using "I-statements". "When I have to pick up laundry all over the apartment, I feel like a parent more than a partner." "When there are piles of miniatures all over the table, I feel like I don't have anywhere to do things I'm interested in." "When there are dishes in the sink, I feel frustrated because I have to clean before I can feed myself."

Discuss, frankly and openly, whether he knows how to clean. I'm not trying to make excuses for him here but a lot of people with ADHD have a lot of stress and avoidance around cleaning because they spent a lot of time getting yelled at for not knowing how to clean properly.

Discuss your needs, be firm about what you require but willing to compromise. You *need* some spaces to be clean, and some spaces may be harder for him to keep clean than others. It may be MUCH harder for him to keep a bedroom tidy than it is to keep a kitchen tidy; if you need a clean and empty bedroom with everything put away and he simply cannot do that, that is a compatibility issue. But perhaps you need *your* side of the bedroom to be very orderly and can tolerate a moderate level of mess and clutter on his side. Maybe you're really really bothered by a messy kitchen, but it doesn't bug you if the dining table is covered with projects and papers. Figure out something more workable than "his mess goes everywhere and i live with it because he's incapable of cleaning" because he probably is not incapable of cleaning and you deserve to have places in your home that are comfortable for you.

Reduce friction for cleaning

Sometimes the problem isn't cleaning, the problem is the many many steps before cleaning, or not knowing where something should go when you are done cleaning. One of the absolute best things I've done for myself for cleaning my space is getting a broom holder and mounting the broom to the wall. Sweeping is now essentially thoughtless. I don't have to find the broom or pull it out from a pile of fans or go scrounging around for a dustpan it's right there on the wall, frictionless. So here are some ways to reduce the barriers to cleaning:

Make sure you and your partner both know how to use your cleaning supplies and know where those supplies are. When I switched dishwasher soap I had to re-show Large Bastard where I was storing it and how it was used, because to him what happened was the dishwasher tabs just vanished one day and he didn't know what I was putting in the machine or the process I used. He sometimes puts tools away in places that I can't see (he's more than a foot taller than me) so sometimes I can't get started on a maintenance project until he shows me where he put the battery pack for the drill.

Consider making a how-to chart to or having him make a how-to chart to keep someplace accessible so he can reference it while cleaning. Goblin.Tools Magic ToDo is great for this. Basically a lot of the time people with ADHD have trouble knowing what to do from step to step even if they've done something before, so having a step by step guide can make it easier (I have notebooks full of step-by-step guides for everything from paying for my tuition to removing licenses for my customers to weeding my yard)

Remove obstacles; don't keep cleaning chemicals in the garage in a box that's behind a stack of parts, keep them in the room you'll be cleaning. Don't keep the cleaning supplies that you use to clean the bathroom in the kitchen. Sometimes this means buying two bottles of bleach solution and two scrubbers and two sets of cleaning gloves but having fewer steps (fetch the windex, fetch the paper towels, fetch the gloves) is often the key to getting things done (open under-sink cabinet and grab windex, gloves, and paper towels that are there instead of in the kitchen).

This sort of overlaps with the next category, which is:

Create Dump Zones

One thing that I've found that seems very different between people with ADHD cleaning and neurotypical people cleaning is that neurotypical people are good at getting to a point where the cleaning is "done." They have checked off their tasks and they have finished and it is over. There are *SOME* chores that are like this (taking out the trash is a binary state, the trash has been taken out or it has not) and some chores are perpetual (horrid cursed dishes) but I think with people with ADHD, some chores that are binary for neurotypicals are actually perpetual chores. For instance "clean off the counter" is not a one and done for me. "Clean off the counter" may involve a three day reorganization project. "Clean off the counter" does not mean "wipe down the tile and put dishes away" it means assessing whether or not I need to make vegetable stock and bleaching three tea containers and reconsidering whether or not the sharps container should live somewhere else and going through the mail and figuring out what needs to be responded to and taking out the recycling and on and on and on.

We have had company at the house for the last two weeks, so I asked large bastard to clean off the dining room table, which is largely a project zone for him. Cleaning off the dining room table meant putting away his meds (and since he's a transplant patient that involves a 30 gallon rubbermade tote), throwing away some trash, and totally reorganizing his workshop. It also incidentally involved picking up a table from facebook marketplace and moving my plants, which has now involved moving my former plant rack outside (moving buckets, finding and organizing planters and gardening tools) and taking the former table to the thrift store (not done yet) and cleaning the rug that was under the former table. So "either the table is clean, or it isn't" isn't really true for us.

HOWEVER "hang on we can't eat until the table is clear so let's drive to Pico Rivera to get that console table right now" isn't a workable plan, so you create dumpzones as areas of holding between the start and the finish of the chore.

A dump zone can be a laundry basket. It can be a craft bin. It can be a back room or under your bed. It is a place to put things that you are going to deal with later because if you deal with them now it is going to derail the thing you are actually trying to do, which is set the table for dinner.

Dump zones are vital to cleaning with ADHD and I recommend them for day-to-day cleaning as well. The day-to-day dump zones might be more for you than for your boyfriend. For instance, Large Bastard works with bullets and he sheds bullets all over the house. I used to get stressed when I found bullets when I was cleaning because are these work bullets? Are these recreational bullets? Are they in testing? Do they need to be pulled? Do they go in the workshop or the office or the garage or does he need these today so they have to stay on the counter? And the answer now is "that's not my problem naughty bullets go in the jar." Which is perfectly sensible because he gets to say "mystery yarn goes in the bin" and "art supplies go in the bucket."

I feel helpless when cleaning a lot of the time. I'm frustrated and lost and I don't know where stuff goes and everything I pick up spins off into three projects in my head and every step feels like a wall to scale. Dump zones help me with that when there's pressure or a reason for cleaning beyond day to day home maintenance. People are coming over? The bedroom is a dump zone, I'll deal with that later. I'm just cleaning up because I need to? Okay I can find a permanent home for this new dish soap.

AS A VERY IMPORTANT COROLLARY TO THIS:

Active projects do not go in dump zones while you or your partner are cleaning. This may mean designating a project sanctuary area like a corner of the table or one particular chair in your main room where a project can be placed so as not to be disturbed. (if my current crochet project ends up in the yarn bin, that may mean that I don't pick the project up for another three months, it lives on the windowsill behind the couch because that's where it'll get worked on)

Do not put things away for your partner, put them in the dump zone for your partner. Your partner has to be the one to put their own stuff away in a way that works for them. I tend to find that this naturally puts a limit on the time stuff sits in the dump zone, because eventually you'll go "hey where's my thing?" and will put stuff away. If that doesn't happen, it's still generally better to have stuff in a dump zone than all over the home.

Do not decide you know what things go together from your partner's stuff and try to "put like things together." The neurotypical urge to put like things together is the mindkiller(j/k). You do not know which things are "similar" in your partner's organization schema and attempting to organize things on your own is going to end up with all of the things "organized" being functionally lost forever from your partner's perspective. Large Bastard's mom would do this and it was infuriating, she'd say "oh I put all the electronics stuff in one box" and she would mean soldering irons, transistors, ham radios, HDMI cables, and cellphone chargers. We are *still* going through boxes of stuff that she "tidied up" when he was hospitalized in 2020 and 2021.

To prevent the need for quite so many dump zones over time, you can work on setting up landing zones and "homes" for projects and tools.

Landing Zones

Landing zones are places where things go when you come inside from doing various things. Sometimes your landing zone only needs to be a tray for your wallet and keys, sometimes your landing zone needs to be a place to take off muddy boots and put a trowel and gloves down before you shower.

To make an effective landing zone, consider what behaviors you're trying to minimize and whether the people using it are ACTUALLY going to use it. For instance I was tired of the corner of my hearth getting cluttered with random junk so I hung up some hooks and put a shelf and a basket there and it became a really effective landing zone for my bag and keys and the mail, but it was VERY ineffective for Large Bastard because it's by a door that isn't the primary door he uses to enter the house. As a result I always know where my keys and bag are but he has trouble finding his keys and wallet. He tends to enter the house through our bedroom and has an overloaded valet next to the door and that's usually where his wallet ends up. Mounting a shelf to the wall above the valet and putting a basket and a hook on it will be a better place for his stuff to land. It's not that he's not using the first zone because he doesn't know that it's there, or because he doesn't care about lost time when I'm searching for my car keys after he borrows them, he's not using it because it's not by the door he uses. That's all.

I have a landing space for when I come in for gardening that's different than the one when I come in from grocery shopping. I have a landing space for when I walk into the dining room instead of the kitchen when I get home.

Landing spaces prevent stuff from piling up all over the place because they are a limited functional space that should be used frequently. Mail ONLY goes in the landing zone. If you have mystery mail or if you're not sure it's safe to toss, you put it in the landing zone. You can't let the mail get piled up too high or you won't have a space for your keys. You can't let the change in your wallet tray get too deep or your wallet is going to slide off, etc., but you also don't just put change on the coffee table or your nightstand because the landing zone is right there.

Homes for items are just what they sound like. They're the place the item goes. It lives there. My meds live on my nightstand. You would not believe how poorly I did with taking my meds on my vacation because they weren't on my nightstand. A while back large bastard lost one of his sets of sorted meds and we tore the house up looking for them because he couldn't find them in his nightstand, which is where they live. *I* found them in his nightstand because I emptied out the entire top drawer (he had only looked on the top layer) and found them underneath a radio and a hammock. Even though they were *hidden* they were in their home, so they were findable. I recently needed ink for an art class. Art supplies live in a dresser by my desk. Ink lives in the art bin or the top left drawer. The ink was not in either of these places (it was on a cabinet in the dining room behind a teacup) so it took me weeks to find it.

Sometimes the reason that ADHD spaces are so messy is because objects have been assigned homes in places that are visible and if they get moved they get lost. This is a genuinely difficult problem that requires a lot of effort to solve and can involve a lot of trial and error for creating a tidy living space. For some people, open shelving and visible storage might be a good solution. For some people, assigning a VERY clear home and inculcating that location by habit is the only way to clean up a space. For some people one very cluttered corner to at least isolate the chaos does the trick (for me and large bastard open shelving doesn't work because anything in one place for too long becomes invisible; that means that I rely on assigning things homes and large bastard relies on having contained chaos and a general idea of where to search but what that DOES NOT mean is that he is clean or tidy. His spaces look like an explosion. But he can mostly find his stuff and do what he needs to do and as long as that's limited to specific places in shared spaces I can live with it; the dining room table can be a disaster, the kitchen cannot).

People organize things differently. It often takes a while for neurotypical adults to settle into an organizational style that works for them and ADHD adults may need to settle into a new system every few months for it to continue working. The cleanup and declutter is most likely going to be a permanent project that is always going to demand some level of attention from everyone in a shared space, but "my ADHD means I can't do it" is not really going to fly. Maybe his ADHD means that he can't keep his space tidy, but it doesn't mean you can't move stuff from shared spaces into dump zones or that he can't do stuff around the house.

If he's insisting that his ADHD means that he can't clean it is possible that he's not being a shithead, he just feels helpless and doesn't know where to start and has adopted the belief that he's a useless piece of shit who can't even keep a tidy space like a grownup because he's internalized a lot of shitty attitudes (hello, my internal monologue about keeping a clean house). But it's also possible that he's just being a shithead.

It's something that's worthwhile to investigate with him. If he's unwilling to make an attempt, then he's being a shithead.

It is also not your responsibility to rehabilitate another person. If he wants to clean and it's something he feels bad about and needs some help and support with the way that someone might need help or support for learning to use a mobility aid, that is fine but you don't have to be the one who gives him that support if it's detrimental to your health, and you don't have to be the one to teach him that stuff if it's not something you're capable of. And if he is NOT interested in working on making your shared living space more accessible for you, that is not your suitcase to unpack and you just have to ask yourself the question from the start: would I stay with this person if I knew the situation was never going to change?

IDK, I'm sure a lot of this reads like "anon you must take on the emotional labor of training your partner to be an adult" but it's really meant to be more of a way of assessing yourself and your relationship. If you created landing zones do you think he'd use them? Would he get angry if you assigned a laundry basket as a dump zone for his stuff while you tidy the living room? Is living with him long-term going to be comfortable for you if nothing changes? Do you have enough of a shared definition of "mess" that you're at least in the ballpark for what counts as a clean house?

anyway good luck, and a reminder to folks that I'm compiling a bunch of adhd resources and other information on my personal website, ms-demeanor.com. It's coming along slowly but it will eventually include stuff like ADHD cleaning tips and how to tackle a hoard, so maybe keep your eye on that space.

[deckofcookiez]

The Alex Kister Situation

Alright; I've been more of a lurker on here for awhile, but for months now--almost a year--I've been a massive fan of the Mandela Catalogue, and this fandom has been a major form of escapism and safety for me. So, I feel the need to say something about the current situation.

To start, I'm putting a link to the document with all of the information about what happened, as it's important to read it and learn about this whole situation in depth:

With that out of the way, I just wanted to share my own personal opinion; personally, Mandela Catalogue has legitimately become my special interest. I have pretty much obsessed over it ever since I first found it, and everything I've written or drawn since then has been to do with it. It's been very important to me, especially due to the community here on tumblr, as this fandom is probably the most supportive and open places on the internet I've found. I feel a lot more connected because of it, and it made me feel comfortable and safe.

I was in a bad mental space today, and when I found out about this, I had a pretty bad breakdown--some might call it an overreaction, but you don't know just how dependent my mental health had become on this series and fandom. (I will be working on avoiding this habit in the future, as it isn't healthy to depend so heavily on one interest)

After reading through the document, and just seeing so many opinions and contributions from others, I am almost certain that these allegations are true. But I always, always listen to all perspectives before making judgement, so I will not be going full "I hate Alex, he's a despicable person!!" before Alex gives his own point of view.

That being said, I do believe Alex has serious issues that he needs to get handled. I am hesitant to call this pedophilia, as from what I've gathered, he didn't seem to have active malicious intent towards minors(correct me if I missed something that said otherwise)--rather, I get the impression that Alex simply doesn't understand boundaries, and genuinely saw his fans as mutuals. He seems to be a person who's manipulative--whether intentionally or not--and his personal relationships, platonic, romantic, or sexual, turn very toxic because of this. So, trying to have personal relationships with fans, people who look up to him and see him in a very different light, results in inevitable toxicity as well.

I get the sense that Alex simply is a young person, struggling with mental health and gender dysphoria, who was thrust into extreme popularity very suddenly, and doesn't have the maturity level to handle it properly. Overall, I do not support him, if he continues to act like this--if he makes genuine, real efforts to deal with his mental health and his unhealthy behaviours, I would respect him for that. I wouldn't look at him quite the same, but as long as someone makes genuine efforts to better themself after doing something wrong, I appreciate and respect that, and may eventually give forgiveness. But, if he doesn't make those efforts, if he continues his patterns and refuses to try and get better, then that is on him and at that point I have lost any and all respect for him. At that point, you are not a good or reasonable person, in my eyes.

Regardless of how things go with Alex himself, though, I want to say...

You do not have to support a creator to enjoy their work!!

I am a huge fan of Danny Phantom, and that show's creator is a genuine piece of shit. Like, a truly despicable human being. That fandom successfully has, just... completely ripped the show and characters from their creator. They have cut him out entirely, nothing he says holds any impact or meaning to them and it hasn't for years. He's seriously fallen off. And it's still a fun, active fandom! The people in there are super neat!!

And, hell, look at the whole mess with J. K. Rowling!! She is an absolutely disgusting person. But so many people grew up with Harry Potter, and still like her stories, without actively supporting her--lots of creators turn out to be really awful people, but that doesn't mean that what they made is automatically awful as well. They still have some kind of creative ability, that happened to produce something that garnered a significant amount of attention.

We don't need Alex to still enjoy the concept, characters, and overall story he's created. We can still make fanworks, still appreciate what it is that drew us to the series in the first place.

Honestly, out of everything that the fallout of this would bring, I was most terrified of the fandom itself dying, as that is what truly matters the most to me. This place, these people are so important to me, and I am so scared of this community falling apart. I've already seen plenty of people stating that they will no longer be associating with TMC, and are just completely distancing themselves from it. It feels like things are already dying and disappearing and it really, really fucking hurts.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that... if that is your choice, if you truly do not want to associate with TMC anymore whatsoever, then I don't blame you for it. I understand if you can't look at the series the same way after this, and I respect that choice.

But you don't have to, if it still means anything to you. Fandoms are more than just their creators--they're the community that has been built around the work, and this community is possibly the best one I've ever been in. I don't want to see it die. So, just know, that you can still love this fandom, this story, these characters, without supporting Alex. You can still draw the characters, make OCs, write fanfiction, etc. He won't get money from that--only from directly watching his content or buying his merch.

Finally, I'd like to say to go support the victims. They didn't deserve this--no matter what Alex's intentions were. Please support them, and regardless of how this turns out, do not continue actively supporting Alex Kister. I am sure that, whatever his intentions were, he did still harm people and that is not okay.

Also, this is all just my own opinion, based on what I know; I was not in the discord, I don't have Twitter, I don't personally know anyone involved and I have not seen everything regarding the situation as a whole. I simply felt I should state my current opinion, as I'm seeing a lot of people freaking out and spiraling and just leaving the fandom entirely. I wanted to remind people that it's okay to still enjoy this fandom and be a part of it, without Alex. My opinion may change some with new information I find, but overall, I am of the opinion that Alex should not be supported, while the Mandela Catalogue itself can be separated from him and still be enjoyed and appreciated.

And, whatever happens... Adam Murray, Jonah Marshall and Thatcher Davis are officially honorary characters in my stash of little guys. If he's not fit to keep them then they will become my creative outlet instead (and others who love them, obviously). They're very special characters to me, I can't express just how many things I have written and drawn to do with them, and I refuse to give them up.

(another addition, regarding the apparent 'alter egos' Alex apparently had: Possibly consider DID? I know a lot of people with DID will often mistake it for other things, including simply being gender non-conforming, when in actuality they really have alters that just identify differently. Not diagnosing, I don't know enough about him to make any real claims--it was just a thought.)

[melkyt]

I have been thinking about trans Law alot and his trauma, from dysphoria when he was younger just figuring things out, before his fruit while on the run, developing to be seen as something other then a boy. Him stressed out from not having a safe space of his own, being dragged to hospitals where he is dehumanized and misgendered to add to the insult.

Cora helping him figure out how to bind, but also being a mess, he knows how to bandage and treat injuries because of his clumsiness but this is a whole another skill, but he tries to learn it to help the kid in anyway he can.

After losing Cora and getting the fruit, his mental health is in the gutter and having to go through thw fact that his body is growing in all the wrong ways as far as he is concerned, trying to do everything to activate his fruit to change his body, but he doesnt get how bodies work yet. Alot of accidents.

Shachi is the one who usually finds him a minute from bleeding out because he tried some new experiment and messed up.

When Wolf comes into the picture, things get easier. The man teaches him how human bodies are put together, letting Law change everything he wants safely within Room without risking death. Things slowly get better from there for him as far as dysphoria goes. There is still a lot he has to deal with trauma wise, but at least he can do it without the constant nagging itching feeling of being in the wrong body.

[theoldlesbianwithcats]

nanshe fest anon here, haha let me invent a callsign .... how about Rio :)

i totally relate to what you mean when you said you are not able to distinguish between the "lesbian" and bisexual experience shared in that interview. things like this hindered my ability to understand what my sexuality even was, since i cant relate to either of them. then i read "lesbian books" and dont understand how they can have sex with men without a mental breakdown. i had a mental breakdown about my sexuality when i was pressured to marry, tried DIY conversion therapy on myself but when i faced with the option of even touching a man sexually, death seemed better because how could i live like that? theres no way. of course this made my mental health worse but not to trauma dump - i am ok now, so dont worry.

the anon who talked about strap ons was also very insightful. the focus on strap-on contributed to me developing a severe sense of dysphoria around my genitalia with this depression that i would never be able to have a "real" sex life.

this is why it is so important for lesbian experiences to be heard, i think the queer spaces are making things worse for us, particularly when we are young and vulnerable. also i am from a non-english speaking country, where homosexuality is still criminal so i could only turn to these spaces for support. i think even in countries such as the US, its the same for a lot of lesbian girls in rural towns... they turn to these spaces for help online since its so scary to be a child in a violent homophobic family. maybe they get helped because its worse than nothing. but also it can screw with ur mind a lot. my dream lesbian event would be to hear from more lesbians of color who grew up outside west europe/us/canada... i had to leave my birth country to be able to have a future. but i feel so awkward to be the only lesbian of color in the room 99% of the time. its not that the white women are cruel, dont misunderstand me, they can be lovely and supportive. but it adds an extra level of alienation, because so many times in my country people would call homosexuality as a white persons invention. of course i know that lesbians exist elsewhere but it would be nice to see that in person at these events!

-rio

Hi again, Rio! :D

Yeah it's messed up that even in the "lesbian community" we think we're freaks so we don't even dare talking about our experience! I grew up in a small town and I remember discreetly reading sex ed books for teens at the bookshop for any info or positivity about lesbians, instead I would only find a paragraph telling me it's a phase. So tumblr was my lesbian safe space back in 2010, for example the "it gets better" campaign really helped me when I was bullied in high-school (unfortunately now that charity pretends they have no idea what a lesbian is...) Now the lesbian content is awful and lesbophobic everywhere, offline and online.

And I feel you about lesbian books, I finally got around to reading one I bought years ago because it was recommended to me and it was about two "lesbians" leaving their husbands for each other... We need book lists with actual lesbian rep!

All the strap-on stuff invading lesbian spaces is so weird yeah... A few minutes ago I clicked on a blog because she was talking about wanting to finger a woman while having acrylic nails, which made me go 🤨 and while she called herself a lesbian, it was obvious she wasn't, it was all talk about c*ckwarming and deepthr*ating ("but it's only for strap and girlc*ck, if you're a man do not interact!!!!" 🤪) I don't know if you had sex already but let me tell you that you are not lacking anything and no real lesbian will think you need a sex toy to be a complete partner and have real sex, she will only want you as you are. I mean, my ex-gf and I never even considered trying a strap-on and we definitely thought the sex we were having was real and amazing haha

About meeting lesbians of color, maybe you can find events on Instagram? I wondered why I never saw many women of color at lesbian events in Paris until I learned that black women preferred creating their own events and advertising them on Insta! Maybe you can also find an organization for LGBT refugees? Hopefully you can meet lesbians there :)

[strikersexhaver]

Alright, I’ll bite. How about both sfw and nsfw headcannons for Striker dating a trans masc AFAB with autism and ADHD, and who often struggles with anxiety, gender dysphoria and sometimes dissociation? (If it helps to know, I often cope through stimming with rubbing soft/smooth textures and with pressure stims such as hugs/squeezes and weighted blankets). Make it as long or as short you need to, anything that you can come up with for Striker dealing with/reacting to these things I’d be interested in reading. (For the sake of my own comfort though, say I have top surgery, refer to the naughty bits as a cock/dick, and only use he/him pronouns for the reader) I hope this isn’t too much to ask!

Also…god damn I am addicted to this man’s voice and I wish he could just vibrate my entire body with his rumbles and snake sounds gkdnfkdndn

To be fair… Me too, me too 😭😭… I love his voice, both voices are amazing to me. And also sure, I can do this! I have autism so I can put some firsthand experience in here as well !! Plus, my brother is trans, I used to take care of him during his transition.

CW for NSFW under the ‘read more’ cut!

Personally, Striker didn’t think or care much about you being trans.

Don’t get him wrong- he supports and loves you but he doesn’t really care about gender. He mostly sees you for you, and your strength-

He does respect the courage of coming out, or being bold with it since-

In Hell there’s more than a just a little amount of assholes lurking around.

He’ll be right by your side if you ever wanted him to fight for you or deal with dipshits.

Back on track though, he would help you in transitioning if you asked- via HRT shots, helping you afford the surgeries required to make you feel comfortable in your own body.

When he sees how you looked like when everything healed, he’ll say you’re sexier than ever.

(If you were an imp, he’d help paint your horns to be the more thick black and white lines like other men imp, if you wanted that of course)

Now as for relating to things like autism and ADHD, you’d have to explain a lot to him. Because I highly doubt Hell has a good educational system about mental health.

He enjoys hearing you talk, about this or fixations little or larger ones like hyper-fixations. He likes your voice, regardless of how it may be.

(Also- if you stopped wanting to take HRT for a while and you had a voice drop, he’d be mad confused)

But for other things such as flooding, he’d try to calm you down in the best way he could without stimulating you further.

As for meltdowns, he doesn’t know how to deal with them. He really does not, so he gives you space. At least on the first time, if it bothered you and you came to him on what to do when it happened again, he’d listen.

He’s not going to be the best, but he’s never gonna lay a hand on you during this state.

Speaking of, if you had certain sensory issues with touch- he’d be mindful to check to see if you’re up for physical contact.

He will mess up, sometimes forgetting entirely, but that’s only after a long day of killing and shooting.

He’d learn how to not just tap your shoulder for your attention, like waving a hand in front of you or tapping the table you were sitting at or anything really.

If you had certain tastes in exact textures or clothes that’d make you more comfortable, he’d try getting a few to make you feel better- same for weighted blankets once he learns of them.

He’s not afraid to steal for you if you needed it-

As for sound related issues, if for example you had an issue with metal scraping metal. He’d take you to a different area. If it was from him, he’d take it somewhere else where you cannot hear.

To be honest, if you brought it up saying you wished you had something to shut things out or turn out the noise.

He’d absolutely- 100% get you noise cancelling headphones, if they were expensive- fuck it, he’ll steal it- he’s not above murder so why would he be above stealing? He lives to see that joyful smile on your face- even if it’s for a brief second before you return to your resting face.

He knows you loved it, it boosts his ego and gives him a serotonin boost.

As for anxiety, if it was social anxiety and you didn’t like speaking up to others- this mf will do it for you, he has no problem, he loves talking.

Now to NSFW, Striker he still loves talking- not as much, but if you’re into it you’ll be hearing a lot of praise.

He’ll give masculine nicknames like ‘Good boy~’ if you were into that, if not he’ll stop.

But knowing firstly knowing his voice, you don’t and probably won’t tell him to stop.

Also- speaking of stopping, previously going to back to boundaries. He’d ask you firmly what you did not want him to do or not, gender-related or not.

He’ll experiment with you, trying to see if you’d prefer being a top or a bottom. Because some people prefer having roles that suit / fit their gender identity.

(A/N at least from my perspective, some people do! Not everyone ofc)

(Striker will always try to be the dom though- regardless-)

(A/N) Hope it was good! Please let me know how it is, I’m always open to critique and sorry the NSFW part was so short I simply couldn’t think of much! I’m not trans (depending on how you see nb people DJSNHA) well- ftm, but if I did or said anything wrong or wrote anything wrong let me know!

Also, requests are open!

[eccentricphilosoph]

You say “transition isn’t for everyone” as if it’s just a simple lifestyle choice that has no permanent physical consequences

This isn’t like being bi-curious at all, if you want to make such a comparison…

I have 3 friends who were all in the same friend circle that will live with their bodies forever changed while they continue to live as men since they realized they were not women and detransitioned.

Do you realize how dismissive it is to say “well, it’s not for everyone” in the face of this??? This isn’t like getting a tattoo or plastic surgery because it’s supposed to be a medical treatment or a treatment to help with gender identity issues. However, if it is comparable to plastic surgery or tattoos, then it’s not an identity issue but a cosmetic issue isn’t it? That would be hypocritical.

Of course it’s not for everyone! That’s the problem. The fact they were all unquestioningly supported by peers, people online, doctors, therapists, etc without a thorough assessment for chronic gender dysphoria, in order to transition for 3 years is a problem. It’s like the opioid epidemic where they were being overprescribed… people not receiving the proper care and treatment.

One of the men was gay and two enjoyed the idea of being femboys. All of them were lonely, depressed, mentally unstable, and into fetishistic porn, which I’m sure had a big part to play in how they perceived their sexual desires and how it played out in how they presented and perceived their own bodies.

They all dropped off and out of the friend group after a couple years into hormones.

One specifically spoke to friends about how bad the hormones messed him up mentally.

I am so tired of people dismissing my detransitioned friends and their experiences when they’re already such mentally vulnerable people who didn’t deserve to be put through such a difficult situation that wasn’t for them. Because no one is allowed to question them and their identity and were supported to transition by peers and clinicians, they were put in such a position.

How offensive, disrespectful, and heartless is the response to mentally ill people having been put through such an experience when they didn’t have to with “it’s not for everyone”.

It’s cold and calculating and selfish and shows you want to turn a blind eye to those vulnerable people who were let down by lack of safekeeping in both the trans space and the medical space. And that you only care about yourself and your experiences. How hypocritical to want everyone to placate to your experiences and beliefs but care not about others.

What pride is there in behaving this way toward people who are suffering and need help? Their existence doesn’t negate the existence of trans people, just like the mere existence of trans people doesn’t negate the existence of cis people. The hypocrisy is becoming more and more palpable.

(don’t you hate hypocrites who’ve hurt you in the past? Why do you continue to let them control how you behave toward others by being the same kind of hypocrites as them?)

[screamingtofu]

Friend! Pass the happy ☺️ When you receive this, list 5 things that make you happy and send this to 10 of the most recent people in your notifications! ✨ 💜

FRIEND!!!

There are many things that make me happy

- Bees (no surprises there, I get very excited and travelled to Tasmania purely on the chance I would get to see bumblebees for the first time)

- When I'm talking to someone and they're about to launch into a story and they go "OK so" right beforehand. It's like a activation phrase for the serotonin because I know they're gonna be talking about something they're passionate about and I like seeing the little spark in their eyes

- Hardspace Shipbreaker, I have never had a game hook me so thoroughly. Just slowly moving through space, systematically disassembling derelict spaceships and unionising with the other workers against a corrupt corporation while listening to dnd podcasts took up way to much of my time. Hits all the good brain buttons

- Estradot estradiol 100mg patches, I cannot contain how much starting hrt has been an absolute godsend to my mental health, like genuinely wild to think about how much dysphoria was messing me up and everyday I get to slap the titty patch on me is better than the last

- This stray cat that's been visiting us the last week or so that we're slowly trying to kidnap so we can take them to the vet to see if they have an owner or not and if no, then oh darn we get another cat

[sensible-tips]

Transition Tuesday- Dealing with Gender Dysphoria

Gender Dysphoria is often defined as the experience of emotional distress and/or discomfort when the medical sex you were assigned at birth does not align with your gender identity or expression. Some transgender people experience dysphoria while others report feeling little to none; gender dysphoria can occur regardless of where you are in your life journey. Whenever gender dysphoria settles in like a dark, overhanging cloud you may feel a complete disconnection from yourself. 

Here a some tips, tricks & things you can try to reconnect when gender dysphoria wants you to feel at odds with yourself.

Keep a transition journal or log. Keeping a transition log or journal can be a fun way to track progress towards your goals. It can also be a great memento to reflect upon when you need reminding of how far you’ve come and what achievements you have already made thus far. Don’t let gender dysphoria sell yourself short to you.

Make a connection with a quality friend. Reach out to that one friend you can always depend on. Having someone to listen with nonjudgement and acceptance can help eliminate the feeling of “alone-ness”.

Acknowledge the difficult emotions and hold space for them. Treat yourself with self compassion. Instead of rejecting the difficult emotions, acknowledge them and experience them for the moment. By doing so you are able to assess and evaluate these feelings; you may see that gender dysphoria is playing a tape recorder of negative self talk on repeat. 

Make a list of things that bring you joy in your life. What makes you smile with your full face? What makes you laugh from the gut? What makes you feel warm and cozy? Loved? List as many things as possible; the simple act of remembering and thinking about happy things has shown to decrease the experience of emotional distress.

Utilize grounding techniques. Grounding is the process of returning your focus and attention back to the present moment. Gender dysphoria can lead to rumination and future-tense living. Being present in the moment can help put things into perspective when everything feels like a mess.

Remember nothing is permanent and this too is temporary. This moment your experiencing is temporary. All things are, including suffering. The brain experiences emotion for 90 seconds. Beyond that it is the mind stirring the waters and preventing the sediments to settle.

Focus on what attributes you find attractive about yourself. Remind yourself of the attributes you do like about yourself. Admire yourself in the mirror, give yourself compliments from the heart, treat yo’ self to a self care day. Avoid speaking negativity to yourself about yourself.

Don’t be afraid to seek professional help. If you find your quality of life and daily functioning severely impaired due to gender dysphoria, it may be time to seek help from a mental health provider trained in transgender issues. Doing so can put you in contact with a professional who can provide further techniques and tools to cope with the emotional distress gender dysphoria can cause.

[madewithspice]

Hi! Can I please have a matchup for AOT?

Name- Eiji Age- 18, Height- 5’7” and slim, Gender- demi-boy / non-binary / boy, Pronouns- they / he, Sexuality- the guys, Mbti- INFP

Likes :D

Playing video games (games in general), stickers, dogs/puppies/kittens and other animals, flowers, sweets, long hot showers, cuddling, comfortable silence, feeling protected, sincerity, being wanted/needed, laughing, kisses, hugs (from behind especially omG), listening to music alone (metal/deathcore/pop/punk/alt/rock), giving/receiving gifts, good and smexy pefume/cologne scents, surprises, inside jokes, terms of endearment, pillow forts, assertiveness, sunsets, late night adventures, quiet nights at home, staying up late, good manners, massages, good sense of humour, being competitive, staying inside on rainy days, endless conversations, fun teasing, winning, babysitting/playing with cute kids (it’s my side thing aside from my part-time job haha), decorating and planning for birthdays, making others feel appreciated, amusement/theme/water parks, Halloween, cosplay/costumes, spending time alone.

Dislikes >:O

School/studying (but I do it anyway), deadlines, clinginess, feeling insecure/nervous, being talked over, super crowded places, experiencing gender dysphoria, feeling useless, fake people, awkward silences, arguing, weather that’s too hot, uncleanliness, small talk, being forced to do something I don't wanna do, being forced to spend time with people I don't like, being put under pressure, messes, being around people for too long, getting lost, being late, feeling bored, rejection, spoilers, socks with sandals, swearing too much, having my picture taken, pushovers, toxic masculinity, public speaking, cooking, douchebags, people who are too strict/serious, crying in front of anyone

Other :)

I would say that I’m kind, very empathetic and the type of person that people feel they are able to confide in. You’ll probably see me as quiet before you get to know me, and I am pretty shy to be honest, so it does take a minute for me to open up. But once you get to know me, it's different. Internally, I’m emotional and sensitive but I’m not used to expressing it outwardly, and I think that can cause me to sometimes be mistaken as aloof or unwelcoming from afar. I don’t think I’m very good at hiding my negative feelings around other people– I can be very moody and serious when I’m not mentally well. I just have the most intense and overwhelming emotions EVER, and it’s really difficult, but I just need to feel somewhat understood and given space to deal with the stuff in my head. I tend to have a few close friends, but most of the time I end up sticking with my one fave person. And I don't make friends often, but when I commit to someone, you know it's real and meaningful. You also don't want to get on my bad side. 😀 😑 If I don't like someone, I won't necessarily show It, but I won't exactly make the effort to hide it either. And I don't pretend to like someone if I just don't. Whether I like to get out and do stuff or not depends on the people and everything– but of course I love to have fun! I'm creative and have a lot of ideas for things. Some things I struggle with are: anxiety, feeling insecure, asking for help, perfectionistic tendencies, staying grounded, getting tired/low energy easily, getting side-tracked and getting caught up in my own head. I'm just a silly little ball of intensity and sweetness I guess haha

O and here's a picrew for fun :)

Hi for AOT I match you with Reiner Braun.

Reiner might look super macho and tough but really he’s the biggest softie. When you both meet for the first time, you’re instantly judging him and he’s doing the same to you. It starts off a little rocky but once Reiner starts talking, you start to open up and suddenly the two of you are inseparable. You’re at each other’s beck and call no matter how late it gets. Late night drive? Let’s go. In need of cuddles? Coming right up.

Your first date with Reiner was at an amusement park where Reiner spent a shit ton on one stall because he was determined to win you the giant bear and refused to leave for anything else. Highlight of the night was when you won the round on your first go leaving the giant man stumped and claiming the game was rigged.

Reiner needs someone to lean on occasionally and you need someone to keep you grounded so who more perfect than the simp master. If Reiner ever feels unwell then his first instinct is to call you. He just needs you to come over and be present with him. And when you need Reiner on those bad days, he’s already at your door because he noticed a change in how you text him. He’s very observant like that and it’s what keeps you both grounded together.

- Kiki.

[parker-d-bloodrose]

Reflections and Meditations on David Cronenberg and the Importance of Keeping My Room Clean and Organized.

I’m mostly just posting this because like, something I personally struggle with is keeping my room clean, ESPECIALLY when I’m feeling like shit and I want to talk about it. There’s also spoilers for two of Cronenberg’s films, “The Fly” and “Dead Ringers” underneath the cut.

I’m currently cleaning my room and reflecting on the horror of David Cronenberg while I do it. I’m not afraid of Cronenberg’s body horror. It’s gross, but not scary. No, the things that actually scare me about Cronenberg’s work is how he carefully uses the cleanliness of his characters’ living spaces to define just when they’ve gone off the deep end. This is most apparent in both his remake of “The Fly” starring Jeff Goldblum, where it makes sort of sense because Brundlefly is, well part fly. But also, in his original movie “Dead Ringers”, about twin OB/GYN doctors who frequently impersonate each other to compensate for their weaknesses in one part of life. The final scene of that film is like, Jeremy Irons clinging to himself (he plays both twins) as he wakes up and realizes he has literally killed his own brother while they were both high as fuck. And the apartment they live in is just, like. Absolutely trashed. Food wraps and soda cans everywhere. And most memorably, a piece of a half eaten cake on the shelf. My room in some of my worst, most apathetic about my own life moments, has resembled the beginning of this kind of mess. Pyramids of Dr. Pepper cans littered my room in California when I just graduated high school because I was listless and unknowingly suffering from body dysphoria. As an adult I am generally speaking a bit better about managing this part of my life, but I am not exactly the best at it. As evidenced by today’s cleaning, it’s very easy for me to fall back into being apathetic about my living space. This is especially true when I am just. Exhausted and dead tired all the time. My previous job wasn’t great. It was harmful to my mental health, and reflecting back on it, I can very clearly see just how true this is in the state of my bedroom. But, I know that unlike a Cronenberg character, I am not doomed by the narrative to fall into an inescapable spiral. I can, and will get out of this. I’m working on it right now, in fact. I’m not looking forward to tackling the closet, but that’s mostly because my closet is full of boxes that do not have a better place to go. But I’ll figure it out. 

[a-captions-blog]

[Image descriptions: 1. Instagram DM conversation between a mum (incoming messages) and an Insta user (outgoing). This reads: Mum: My child is suck due to you User: Oh no! Did I give them the flu? Mum: no mental problems she wants to be a boy User: Did he tell You that? Mum: She asked for a strap thing for her chest for Christmas User: They may not be wanting to identify as male then- many people wear binders and still identify as female or non gender. User: How are You feeling about it? Does it feel a bit heavy? Mum: My child hates her body because of perverts like you is how i feel imo User: It can imagine it must feel a bit like they are rejecting You when they reject parts of their body. User: For You to be spending Your time reaching out to me- it shows You must care a lot about their happiness and wellbeing Mum: Duh I care rude to think I don’t Mum: Oh you said I do care Mum: Yea I do I’m not going to be an absent cellphone millennial parent an neglect her User: They are lucky to have someone so willing to protect them and be present! Tech really has made a dent in family relationships hasn’t it? Mum: Refreshing a millennial says that User: Haha well it’s true. So what did You say to Your kid about getting them a binder? Mum: Obviosly NO. User: I’d love to suggest You get one- especially because You are a caring parent I’ll even hook You up with a great site for them. Mum: No. I refuse supporting my child hating her body and I’m not a bad parent for that User: I didn’t say You were a bad parent. I said You were a caring parent. The reason a binder is great is because they are medically a much safer option that alternatives your kid may be turning to when you’re not around. Binding with ace bandages, tape, and even torn fabric. It can lead to broken ribs, lacerations and lung deformation if the material isn’t stretchy. Mum: Why wold she do that to herself User: There are many reasons people may want to bind from gender dysphoria to social discomfort. It may be confusing to You and even feel painful to witness but if You push them away when they are expressing vulnerable truths about themselves it could lead to self harm or even an evironment for suicide Would You rather have Your child in your life or gone forever? A little piece of medically approved fabric can literally save their life. One that You clearly adore and care about. Mum: I just want her alive an happy I guess I just want her to love herself shes beautiful User: It’s easier to love Ourselves when we feel loved as Ourselves to matter where we are on Our paths. User: You must have really created a space of open communication and safety for them to have asked You for a binder! That’s special- you don’t want to lose that. Mum: I told my Sammy she could tell me anything User: That’s beautiful. And Sammy did! Mum: Will a strap hurt her? User: If you make sure to use it safely with consideration for the length of time it is worn and the way it’s made then it will not! I’d love to recommend @ gc2b they make amazing ones and will walk You through usage. Mum: Bless if I have more questions I can ask you User: Always! The key is that there is a safe space for You to find how to make a safe space for Sammy. I’ll help as much as I can because I know You care so much! Mum: I’m doing research on the bindings will chat later. Thank you very muchl for talking me through without being angry I want her to live a life she loves that’s all. User: I know You do. So do I. Xx Mum: xxx

2. Screenshot of the conversation where the user said, ‘ It may be confusing to You and even feel painful to witness but if You push them away when they are expressing vulnerable truths about themselves it could lead to self harm or even an evironment for suicide’

3. “it’s easier to love ourselves when we feel loved as ourselves” Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

4. Tags that read: #the VERA framework was developed for caring for patients with dementia #but it is [caps] so so so [end caps] good for conflict resolution in general #for anyone who wants to learn: #V=Validate. Engage with the person. Show them that you are interested in talking with them in a non-confrontational way. #You don’t have to be submissive and fawning but be calm and kind. #Use bodylanguage irl and be v. careful affirming that this person is a caring parent #and not immediately attacking them and lecturing them about their transphobic views. Don’t be reactionary. #This helps them to believe that you are genuinely listening to them. It’s about creating a safe space to talk where the person feels heard #E = Engage. Specifically with the emotional side of their problem. #Don’t just listen to what they say. Try to figure out what they’re feeling and engage with that. #Like this woman was angry but she was also scared about not understanding her child and potentially her child being in danger #Address those concerns gently while still validating – ‘I know you care so much about this because you care for your child #and it must be scary and infurating to have so much changing so fast around you.’ #R = Reassure. ‘You’ve created a safe space for communication with your child. You’re doing well.’ #This is also where you can bring in more elements of ‘You are correct: there are valid risks to be aware of. Let’s think about what #is a risk (i.e. the potential suicide of this young trans person) and understand why this is the case’ #A = Action. ‘Here is what you can do to help your child and mitigate that risk – your child being harmed – which is also the true #underlying source of your hate anger and fear’ \End ID]

Wow. The patience, kindness and calm communication skills. Outstanding.

From raindovemodel

[tempestgnostic]

hot take but i don’t understand why some folks are so pressed about endogenic systems using stuff like pluralkit, pimplyplural, etc. or even just being in plural spaces. readmore because this may get long

i’ve never really been involved in ‘syscourse’ or whatever because i have better things to do and i recognize that watching teenagers fight on the internet is not the best thing for my own mental health. i feel my brain cells dying at an accelerating rate everytime i see the disk-horse going on around me. it’s like peeking into this strange world that i’m only tangentially related to.

for the record, i have no fucking clue why i’m plural, and i have no urge to find out. i’m not in a place where i can just root around in my trauma to try and find the source. does that mean i shouldn’t use these resources that’ve helped me and my headmates so much? or does that only apply to systems who call themselves endogenic? i’m genuinely asking here.

i mean, i get where y’all are coming from. when i was going through crippling gender dysphoria, before i was able to get on HRT or even cut my hair, i was so fucking angry at people who used neopronouns, or had xenogenders, or even just folks who said they didn’t have gender dysphoria. i felt like they were treating my very real, very distressing medical issue (which is how i saw it at the time—i no longer do) as a joke, as a fun playground to fuck around in. i don’t think we’re that different in that regard. i know how difficult it is to go through all these painful experiences, and then see others with vastly different lives calling themselves by the same labels as us, when we have almost nothing in common.

but that’s the thing: regardless of how you feel about them personally, a lot of these folks are having very real plural experiences, and they’re using the vocabulary they know to describe it. ‘system.’ ‘plural.’ ‘headmate.’ and yet they’re also using endogenic to distinguish between their experiences and yours. you seem to want them to coin their own words for all of the nuances of their plurality, but why? why not use the words we have, and recognize that ‘being plural’ is a simple shorthand that easily encompasses all of these different ways of, well, being plural?

there are many ways to be ‘trans.’ there are many ways to be ‘plural.’ that’s why we add modifiers, but the base is the same because there’s a broader, shared experience. asking endogenics to go off and just bootstrap their own resources, rather than using what’s already available, is nonsense. and demanding that they come up with their own words for every nuance of their identity is how we end up with shit like MOGAI. (oh, wait, plural MOGAI already exists. it’s called pluralpedia, and it’s a fucking mess.)

it’s fine to have spaces where you can talk about traumagenic system experiences without interference from folks whose plurality isn’t connected to trauma—though i’d argue there are quite a few ‘endos’ who haven’t yet made the connection between their own trauma and plurality. hell, i’d be pissed if i was part of a private group geared towards trans people who experience dysphoria, and somebody came in and started talking about how we should ‘love our bodies the way they are!’ or whatever. but that’s not something every non-dysphoric trans person would do. that’s something assholes do, and they come in every flavor of identity.

anyways, i should probably get to work instead of writing ridiculously long essays about this shit. peace

[rosiewitchescottage]

My Opening Address at the Canadian Senate (THE SAAD TRUTH_420)

Yes!  Dr Gad Saad is fantastic. He sticks with a non negotiable insistence on fact and truth, whilst also managing to retain compassion for the rich variety of human expression, and a sense of humour.

And I’m right with him. Yes. People can be transgender, this is nothing new and there are people with intersex conditions.

But it’s a simple fact that as human beings we are one of two biological sexes.

Intersex persons are either male or female, but it may be harder to tell which one, because of the disorder affecting them. This is not some magical ‘third sex’

Up until ‘five minutes ago’. We all knew that people who are transgender are who they are because of gender dysphoria, a recognised mental health disorder.

Unable to bear the maleness of manhood or the femaleness or woman, the sufferer lives as the opposite sex, sometimes with medication or surgery to mimic the biology of the sex they’re living as.

And that’s fine. It’s not messing with biology. In fact innate biological sex, and a discomfort with it, is the whole point of living as the opposite sex, surely?

Men don’t menstruate or give birth. It’s ridiculous to say so. Transmen are biological females, the same as women, and it’s being female that’s important.

Women, the vast majority of adult female people don’t appreciate not being talked of as what we are. And more and more are speaking up about it.

Let’s be realistic about this please. If you live as a trans man and menstruate or get pregnant, then regardless of how you live the rest of your life as a man, amongst the males of our species. 

In these matters you are squarely in the FEMALE realm. And like it or not, the majority of people sharing it with you are women.

Do I say that a transwoman is a woman the same as I am?  No, because she’s male and I’m female. The differences don’t simply melt away*.

 She’s a transwoman. The difference doesn’t make her any lesser, She’s just not exactly the same.  

I’m happy to meet her where she is. Just not where someone tells me I should pretend that she is.

I respect that she’s living ‘as’ a woman, and I will treat her as one. As long as she is respectful when using women’s spaces, then I don’t have a problem.

There’s a vast difference between a transwoman who simply goes into a private stall in a women’s toilet and out again, without any indication to anyone that she’s a male.

And a Lea Thomas, stripping off and displaying male genitalia to female teammates who can’t even say that it makes them uncomfortable, without getting into trouble.

Then Lea beats all competition, and no one is expected to comment that her being a biological male of over 6 ft tall might have something to do with that.

*And no, The differences don’t begin and end with genitalia or even with reproductive organs.

Every cell that contains a nucleus, in our bodies, has the imprint of male or female on it, from birth until death. 

We can’t just wipe that away.

[0rph1x]

ASTROLOGY ASK GAME YESSS TWO THINGS I LOVE COMBINED OKAY LETS DO IT sun - idk if this is physical or not but ill do both. uhhhhh. my eye color, the fact that on each of my shoulders i have freckles on the front and back that look like they go all the way thru bc they look like they line up on both sides, i like how determined i am, i like thatttt i can have fun without worrying abt being embarrassed most times, and i like how caring i am

moon - depends on the feeling tbh

mercury - eh it depends on who im around and what we're talking about

venus - my boyfriend <3

mars - i like when ppl do it for me, i rarely start talking to random ppl to make friends or whatever

jupiter - ive had certain lucky situations but idk i don't believe too hard in luck, i feel like ive fought and worked rlly hard to be where i am and idk how much of that falls on luck

saturn - dysphoria, my self image, and caring. way too much. i care w a y too much abt things

uranus - a lot. im from the US and i think literally almost everything should change bc its a mess

neptune - i try to think very rationally, i like going off of logic and facts bc then its cut and dry

pluto - i dont kow if ive ever had one tbh

ascendant - im not rlly sure, i do think u should know the person a bit before u date them but i believe that sometimes u just know when a person is for u

IC - i had good parts but i dont remember the majority of my childhood, so that's a good indicator sjdfhjskd

descendant - gay ppl, mentally ill ppl, and shitty ppl, all separately

MC - good question, i ammmm not very sure. idk what ppl think of me most times sdjfjlk

aries - depends, i do have times where i am impulsive and high energy and can't sleep and shit like that

taurus - garlic chicken that my mom makes. perfection.

gemini - yeah we have a good relationship, they do think of me a certain way bc i did have to take care of them growing up but they're getting old enough to be friends with me

cancer - im not sure, i dont think id make a good dad

leo - depends on who im with, most times i like to just go unnoticed and be on my own

virgo - y e a h im very perfectionistic, everything needs to go exactly the way i want it to

libra - yeah, i would love to be married in the future

scorpio - ehhh depends on what it is tbh

saggitarius - a bunch of different countries, i wanna go out and just explore the entire world

capricorn - ap literature teacher. i wanna teach high school kids how to be critical of the things that they read and consume before they graduate

aquarius - i can be both in different situations, i think its called being an ambivert but i go back and forth

pisces - i draw and i write and that's it

1H - hm. edgy grunge smoker who doesnt smoke trans guy. that's it.

2H - i rlly like my stuffed frog, but a random object that i like a lot is my rock that i found on the way to chicago

3H - marvel, space, uhhhh im not sure i just talk

4H - my mom. thats it. im closest with her.

5H - i write, i catch up on politics, i used to run and march with my band in the summer before i got hurt, but that's abt it

6H - i mean kinda, i just like getting everything done as soon as possible so i don't have to worry abt it

7H - trust, honesty, communication, being able to have fun with me, stuff like that

8H - not trusting me (i get there are some things u don't want to discuss and that's fine that's not what i mean), not talking to me when ur upset with me to like "punish" me, idk man there's a lot from past shit

9H - i wanna learn spanish, french, and some random obscure language no one knows about

10H - i have no idea, hopefully positively

11H - stupid, loyal, caring

12H - a lot. the dark, spiders, rlly big dogs, cornfields at night, empty roads at night, cheesy stuff. if we wanna get deep, im afraid of being forgotten, being ignored, ppl moving on from me bc i cant be good enough, not being able to ever be seen as who i am, stuff like that JGHSKJDHJ

OKAY IM DONE GJSDKGKSJDGK THERES THAT

Astrology ask game ☄️

sun ⇢ name 5 things you like about yourself?

moon ⇢ do you suppress your feelings?

mercury ⇢ are you a talkative person?

venus ⇢ describe your ideal type

mars ⇢ are you the type to approach others first or do you like others to do that instead?

jupiter ⇢ do you consider yourself a lucky or unlucky person?

saturn ⇢ what are the things you consider you struggle the most?

uranus ⇢ what things do you think should change in society?

neptune ⇢ are you a rational or intuitive person?

pluto ⇢ tell something supernatural that happened to you

ascendant ⇢ do you believe in love at first sight?

IC ⇢ do you think you had a good childhood?

descendant ⇢ what kind of people do you usually attract?

MC ⇢ what kind of reputation do you think you have?

aries ⇢ are you an impulsive person?

taurus ⇢ what's your favorite food?

gemini ⇢ do you have a good relationship with your siblings? if you're an only child, would you like to have siblings? how many?

cancer ⇢ do you want to start a family in the future? how many children would you like to have?

leo ⇢ do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer to go unnoticed?

virgo ⇢ do you consider yourself a perfectionist?

libra ⇢ would you like to get married in the future?

scorpio ⇢ do you feel comfortable talking about taboo things?

sagittarius ⇢ what places would you like to travel in the future?

capricorn ⇢ what's your ideal job?

aquarius ⇢ do you consider yourself an antisocial or social person?

pisces ⇢ what kind of art are you good at? (painting, dancing, singing, etc.)

1H ⇢ describe your style

2H ⇢ do you have any object that you like a little too much? what is it and why?

3H ⇢ what are some of the topics you like to talk about the most?

4H ⇢ which relatives are you the closest with?

5H ⇢ do you have a hobby? which one(s)?

6H ⇢ do you consider yourself a workaholic?

7H ⇢ what do you consider green flags in a relationship?

8H ⇢ what do you consider red flags in a relationship?

9H ⇢ what languages ​​would you like to learn?

10H ⇢ how do you want people to remember you?

11H ⇢ describe your friends in 3 words

12H ⇢ which is/are your biggest fear(s)?

[readatrix]

"It said that I'd be safe."

(Note I listened to the audiobook. This is the second book in a month I've heard narrated by Nicky Endres, and they're just on that at the top of my narrators list. In the first book, I wondered if they were French, and this time they were convincingly English. Each character comes across as unique and distinct.)

Alice and Ila are best friends and occasional lovers. They enter an abandoned house with their friend, Heather. Alice and Ila leave, physically and emotionally scarred, enemies, afraid of one another.

Heather never leaves.

Before I continue, I can't stress enough this book is dark, hard to read, and bound to be triggering for a lot of people. I know I have to be in the right mental and emotional space to handle certain topics, and I know reading the wrong book at the wrong time can be profoundly dangerous. This book deals with bigotry of all kinds, particularly transphobia, homophobia, racism, misogyny, and the rise of antisemitism. There's a lot of talk of dysphoria. The characters have turned a lot of the hatred inward. Did I mention body horror?

The house in question thinks of itself as Albion, an older name for England. I don't think the metaphor is meant to be at all subtle -- this house holds and amplifies hate. It's only welcoming in the way a spider welcomes a fly to its web.

I'm from the United States and yet so much of the sense of rising dread and the anxiety of not trusting your neighbors to be decent humans is familiar. I think my country and Albion are toxically codependent, in many ways mirroring one another.

Alison Rumfitt seems to hold nothing back, never shying away from taking the story to uncomfortable places. It felt brave to write about the rise of hate, but it's twice as brave to make your protagonists from marginalized groups horrible and hate-filled too. No one, other than the house, seems to hate them more than they hate themselves.

Relatable.

I'm not going to delve into much more. I loved the Tell Me I'm Worthless, I also had to take a lot of breaks from it. I felt the author understood my rising panic and anxiety, my confusion as to what's going on. (I'm starting to see antisemitic posts in discussions where I didn't think you could shoehorn it in if you tried.) I'm so happy I read it, and want to read more from this author, but I'm also really glad it's over.

None of this to say there's not also a sharp sense of humor and satire at play.

Recommended for people in the mental place to handle a dark story. Politically (to the left) aware people and those from marginalized groups. Those always online. People who like the subgenre of haunted house stories where the house isn't as much haunted as itself evil -- the lines of architecture or the ground its built on his soured it. (The book pays homage to those stories, particularly The Haunting of Hill House.)

Not recommended for people in a vulnerable state, particularly those from the groups harmed or degraded in this story. I don't think conservatives would have a good time, unless it was for messed up reasons. People with a strong gag reflex.

I will be recommending this book A LOT.

*****