#Duff why ur teasing me like that

[duffslut]

Alright that's kinda hot

[dewprisms]

After your binge-watching session, which would say is better: Kim Possible or Danny Phantom, and why?

Someone actually interested in my opinion for once?

Well it depends, both have their pros and cons in regards to episode plots/arcs, characters and chara development, character designs etc. So I’ll suppose I’ll break them down into different categories. Under a cut as to not make scrolling a hassle.

Also I apologize in advance for my page theme, I know it’s kinda shitty and hard to read sometimes but I’m too busy to change it right now.

Designs/Art: I know Stephen Silver was the main designer for both shows (and his designs for a lot of the teenage girls has a uh, Obvious Pattern.) Ignoring my bias towards Vlad and Drakken, I think a lot of the ghosts have fun designs, but KP gets points for actually letting characters (esp Kim and Ron) wear other clothes in S2 and beyond, and between Phantom, S1 Kim and S4 Kim I think S4 Kim has the best “action” outfit. BUT the art style for DP is pretty stiff at times and KP style has a lot more range for animation, body types and faces.  Overall though, I say they’re pretty tied imo. Both have a lot of ups and downs that truly comes down to a personal pref, even though the Fartman’s style is the more iconic one. I think KP wins animation/art and DP wins for designs.

Characters: Again, the villains shine here more than the protags. KP as such a wide range of villains that I have have to give them the point for creativity and FUN in antagonists, (Duff Killigan is prob my favorite in absurdity followed by Monkey Fist, the Seniors and DNAmy all tied for second. I really like Motor Ed too, seriously.) but that’s not to say that DP doesn’t have them either. Vlad’s true motivations are really...unique compared to other DP villains and even KP ones, (seriously? How many bad guys you know who’s goal in life is “fuck the MC’s mom and also make MC your son”) who like KP are just “take over the world and/or cause tons of destruction” but with only half the fun. Sadly Dark Danny’s entire thing hinges on him being Danny But Evil who only wants...destruction??? Whereas Evil Ron actually does something interesting with the character, showing Ron’s true potential (see Evil Ron vs Electronique in “Stop Team Go” for example) and being in-character for him still. (Faux Take Over The World plot to cover his true goal of owning all the world’s Nacos? Of fucking course Ron would. Brilliant.) Evil Ron still has hints of Ron’s personality (”Boo-yahaHAHAHA!”) whereas Dark Danny is just... evil for evil’s sake, which can be good when actually done right, but in this case isn’t because the only thing that resembles Danny is his outfit. Shego’s backstory is great. DP’s new S3 enemies are very boring despite interesting powers. KP S4’s Camille Leon is great but Warmonga is just eh. Moving on to protags, KP’s protags are far, far more interesting than DP’s. Which brings us to the next point. (Also Mr. Barkin > Mr. Lancer, and Kim’s parents > Danny’s parents.) KP gets this one.

Chara Development: Gonna say it, DP almost has none, and straight up regresses in very end of S2 and most of S3. I swear the only real characters who have any are Vlad (for better or for worse, the latter imo), Jazz (when they remember her, and is good) and Valerie (whose is good too). Tucker gets 3 (three!!) fking episodes about him and they ALL carry the same theme of him not being able to responsibly handle having any kind of power, which is why him becoming the town mayor at the end is so BAD. There’s NO WAY Tucker of all people would make a good mayor. VALERIE got more episodes than him, JAZZ got more episodes than him, both with development that STUCK while he’s a MAIN CHARACTER. Sam never changes, def for worse. Sam is a Base-Breaking Character for a dang reason. She’s extremely pushy, acts like she’s lowkey better than everyone else, and never seems to consider how her actions affect other people, and the like 1 or 2 times she does it doesn’t fucking stick like she’s Hank Hill or something. Danny has no real development for his character. All that develops for him are his powers and nothing else. On the other hand, KP characters DO have development and it shows! Not just for the protags but for villains too! Kim is bossy and a lil controlling early on and stops during S2, whereas Ron was extremely cowardly and gets, not exactly braver but just less phased by it all, plus early he never quite liked going on missions but later on gets sad if he has to miss them, before he doesn’t like being distractions but later on very much takes pride in being one, and etc. Drakken and Shego get development too, esp their relationship with each other AND with Ron and Kim. Bonnie actually got an episode of development (but sadly regressed in time for the finale) whereas Pauline just...never changes whatsoever. Bonnie actually makes for a good rival and mean girl for Kim for the entire show whereas Paulina and her relationship with Danny and Sam are just....bland and doesn’t go anywhere. There’s nothing for Dash, though Ron doesn’t really have an equivalent. So, KP gets this one.

Episodes/Plots/Arcs: DP wins in the Lore department by far, KP wins in character arcs. A Sitch In Time answers the great questions of What Would Happen if the Villains Teamed Up AND Shego is a Better Villain than Drakken so Why isn’t She in Charge? ft Time Travel. The Ultimate Enemy answers What If Danny Went Evil and Is Vlad Completely Irredeemable? ft Time Travel. KP definitely does the “balancing Hero duties with School life” better than DP. You can definitely see her struggles with it whereas DP is just kinda there. I also very much like that Kim is girly but is never shamed for it both in-universe and out, whereas DP is known for the shitty “I’m not like other girls” fake feminist bullshit. A problem I have with DP is that time pretty much never changes, as if the show takes place within a year, and it seriously hampers the growth of the show could have. Time is also just out of whack, they take their big end-of-the-year test then it’s Christmas THEN it’s Summer Vacation but even in S3 they’re all still in the first year of high school like ??? What?? Whereas KP starts in Freshman year and ends with Senior Graduation. The arcs of Danny/Sam vs Kim/Ron are just...D/S was definitely teased a ton more but by S3 you just get tired of it, not to mention the hypocrisy regarding the character relationships. Personal opinion warning, but Danny/Valerie had a lot more development in such a short time and was super interesting. Kim/Ron didn’t have as many teasing esp in S1 and S2 (it’s there though) but it def picks up in S3 and I love how their new relationship was handled in S4. Back to episodes, my favorite episodes for both are Reign Storm and So The Drama, but while I might be biased toward Reign Storm I’m gonna have to ultimately give better episodes overall to KP. So The Drama has Drakken going back to his Actually Dangerous roots from early on and becoming the closest to anyone to actually winning on his own merit (Shego stole the Tempus Simia from Drakken/Duff/MF and relied on weird time shit of Kim being “lost in the time stream” ((actual canon explanation)) to travel to the future specifically to stop her, to actually win) and is SO good when Dr. D finally gets defeated, plus (personal bias here) Kim and Ron’s teased hook-up finally happens. I will say though, I’m not a fan of S4′s Hana Stoppable/The Han story. As both shows are action-oriented, they definitely have their fair share of good fights but I think KP also has better action and fight scenes. Humor is extremely subjective but I think KP made me laugh more. Finally, DP is infamous for S3 just being bad whereas KP just got better and better with each season, though I’d put S4 below S3 and above S2. So: Lore = DP. Arcs, Action and Eps = KP.

Fandom: Ignoring the super gross shipping aspects of some parts of the fandom (If ur a P*mpousP*p or K*go shipper pls go away from my stuff i’m fucking serious), I think DP wins for this one. Many great OCs, (I really haven’t seen any for KP aside from next gen?) the already interesting lore is def expanded so much by fans, I legitimately don’t care for “Wes Weston” but my god did the fandom do some serious work for this boy. I don’t know too much about KP since the fandom seems kinda dead aside from some shipping stuff and a very slight revival from the movie, whereas DP ended before KP and is still very very active. DP wins fandom.

(Bonus) Reboots/Redesigns: I’m gonna be honest, I’m not sure what could be done better for KP aside from the mess of Disney’s out-of-order airings, a more serious reboot wouldn’t work for the show at all, but DP could definitely use a reboot and fixes the disaster of S3. And reboots & character redesigns are def a hot topic for the DP fandom. So DP gets this one, though I’m not sure if this is a good thing.

Final: So over all, 4 for KP and 4 for DP, or if you add the little groups, 7 for KP and 4 for DP. Overall, I’ll say KP is the better show, but DP shines with the fandom. I also have a personal bias in favor of DP but it makes them even out for me. If you want interesting lore and good fandom content, go for DP. If you want fun and interesting characters, actual character development and more action and drama, KP is the way to go.

But instead of picking one, just watch both!

[ubernoxa]

The Dare: A Guns N’ Roses FanFic

Chapter 22: A Pill

Taglist: @queen-crue @gingerspicetalks

(Masterlist)

Delilah felt out of place as she stood next to Duff as he spoke to someone at the party. Delilah felt as if she was constantly in the way as people kept shoving behind her to get around the party.

The girls at the party were gorgeous. Their hair was wild, their makeup was stunning, their clothing was tight, and their heels were high. Part of Delilah felt like most of them stepped right out of a rock magazine.

“Yeah nice talkin to ya dude,” Duff guided Delilah away from whoever they were talking to and towards the drink tables, or what was left of the table.

“You okay?” Duff was barely auditable over the loud music.

“Yeah, just out of drink,” Delilah lied as she flipped her drink upside down.

Duff saw right through her lie. She didn’t want to be here. She had been quiet for the past half hour and just smiled and laughed when the others did. He decided to shrug it off. If Delilah really had a problem, she would bring it up. He wondered if it was because they were interrupted earlier. Maybe she was disappointed they didn’t have sex? Duff sighed and replied, “well I can easily fix that” A false smile filled his face.

She took the drink from him and practically chugged it hoping to get rid of the memories of her brothers and sisters out of her head.

“Heeeeey guys,” Tommy joined the pair as he wrapped his arms around them.

“Y’all fuckers look so good together! Like fuck man. Y’all are cute. Did y’all enjoy your fuck?” Delilah’s face went white. She almost looked as a ghost as Tommy spoke.

“Thanks man, and nah, fucking Axl got in the way with those damn interviews!” Duff shouted back not noticing how uncomfortable Delilah was. How was he talking this causally? She wondered if this was normal behavior? Do they all just talk about the girls they fucked? It’s so that’s utterly repulsive, she thought to herself. Some things were meant to stay private. It was in that moment Delilah turned her head when she heard a load moan come from across the apartment.

Jesus Fucking Christ, what type of fresh hell did she get herself into?

She quickly looked away when she saw what the commotion was about. A woman was squatted on the ground sucking Nikki’s dick. Delilah quickly chugged her drink and refilled it. Were these the people Duff associated himself with? Was this what Duff wanted? Was he mad at her for having sex with her?

“Nah Axl’s just jealous cause he is fucking a bitch right now,” Tommy noticed Delilah’s uncomfortably with EVERYTHING that was going on in the room. Part of him wondered how the hell he got into this mess.

“I lik ur dress,” Tommy commented bringing Delilah back into the conversation.

“Thanks, I’m quickly realizing that I’m overdressed, but hey fuck it,” Delilah shrugged. Did she say fuck to try to fit in? Yes, and it felt unnatural as she said it.

Tommy and Duff laughed and Tommy quickly grabbed his drink and left.

“You sure you’re feeling okay?” Duff turned to Delilah. She was off.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Why do you ask,” she quickly responded in a cheerful tone.

He shrugged and added, “You seem off.”

“Yeah, I guess I’m still getting used to all of this,” Delilah motioned towards that packed room of people.

Duff understood exactly what she meant. Everything can be a little much sometimes, but there was always a way to make it disappear.

He motioned towards her to follow him to the bathroom. Not to fuck, but to give her something that would calm her edge.

“Thanks I feel like I can actually think again,” Delilah smiled to Duff as she spoke. Despite the bathroom spelling like horse shit and trash covering the floor, Delilah already felt a little at ease.

Duff sent Delilah a reassuring smile and dug into his pockets only stopping to pull out a small baggie with a couple pills. Izzy had given them to him a while back to help him, maybe they could help Delilah too.

Fuck. Delilah was frozen and watched every single movement. Did Duff do drugs? Did the rest of the band?

“I get the same way. It’s just too much. Kinda like you’re drowning and just want to escape,” Duff’s soft tone echoed through Delilah’s entire body. She felt a relief flowing through her as he spoke. Thank God he wasn’t mad at her.

“These help. They are almost like a life preserver for me. If everything ever gets too much, these help,” Duff watched Delilah’s face as he spoke. He knew coming from a religious house that she was most likely taught that drugs were a huge no. Izzy had actually warned him about that, and the fact that he should go slow with her. God it was fucking hard to go slow with her.

“What are they?”

“It’s not coke if that’s what you’re asking. Delilah it will help, or if you want we can go home,” Delilah’s heart sunk when he said those words. She knew he was having a great time, but he would leave just for her.

She looked at the white pill in his hand and picked it up.

She heard her mother’s words screaming at her from the back of her brain. Lecturing her on how she is winning and being a disgrace. She quickly silenced those voices.

At least it wasn’t coke? And Duff had been doing him and he was fine. What’s the worst that could happen?

She popped the pill in her mouth and swallowed earning a reassuring look Duff.

“If you don’t feel right, tell me. We will head home right away,” Delilah nodded feeling comfortable by his presence.

The two left the bathroom and time quickly flew by. Delilah was ever grateful that Duff was always by her side and refilling her drink.

“Have you seen Del?” Mags began to ask around to see if anyone had seen the brunette.

It didn’t take long until she accidentally bumped into Vince who was currently talking up some girl, who Mags was grateful wasn’t Delilah.

“Heard you’re looking for the brunette with the curly hair.” Mags felt immediately felt uncomfortable by his tone. Was he mocking her?

“Drew right? You’re one of the guys who interviewed me earlier,” Vince knew he recognized the guy who was with Mags.

“Yeah,” Drew’s response was blunt as he spoke.

“I was wondering why you wanted to interview Guns N’ Roses, but now it makes sense,” Vince smirked as he spoke. So Mags was fucking for interviews for her brother’s band, points for creativity.

“Fuck off Barbie,” Mags said before trying to leave.

“Watch your whore mouth,” Vince blocked her path making her stop in her tracks.

“I can say the same to you. How’s your girlfriend doing Vinny?” Mags mocked the blonde.

“Where’s Heather? She was a really good fuck a few months back or is she currently in the bathroom fucking thats red headed singer again?” The second Vince mentioned Mag’s old friend’s name, Mags lunged at Vince. She wanted to beat his Barbie face until he wasn’t recognizable. HOW DARE HE BRING HER UP. Steven quickly broke up his younger sister’s fight, if you could call it that. All she did was lunge at him before he could pull her back.

Steven knew this fight wouldn’t end well for his little sister.

“What the fuck is going on?” Nikki’s voice cut through the room as he pushed through the crowd of people.

“We should leave,” Duff whispered into Delilah’s ear. Duff guided Delilah out of the apartment which turned into him wrapping his arm around Delilah’s waist, dragging her out.

He didn’t mind as she giggled and played with his hair. She was completely oblivious that Mags had just almost gotten into a fight.

“Rosie,” Delilah mumbled as she stumbled over towards Axl as Duff and her made it down the fire escape that had become the main entrance.

Delilah gave him a hug and asked, “R...u...okayyyyyy?”

“Yeah I’m doing good, Del,” he laughed back at her.

“Let’s go stand by Duff okay?” Axl guided her back to Duff and immediately asked him, “is she high?”

“Yup,” Duff chuckled back watching as Delilah danced around to the music that was leaking out of the Crue’s apartment.

“That’s adorable,” he pulled out a smoke and offered on to Duff who immediately took one.

“So what happened? All I saw was Stevie pulling Mags away from someone,” Duff asked Axl watched Delilah who was still dancing.

“Her and Vince got into a fight about something, probably about Heather,” Duff nodded at Axl’s words.

“Honestly, sometimes I wonder who has a shorter fuse, me or her,” Axl asked earning a chuckle from Duff.

“Well last Motley party, you were the reason we had to leave, and this time it’s her fault. You’re tied, so next time we come here we will see which one of you is worse,” Duff teased back.

“Sometimes she is more trouble than she is worth,” Axl’s words were blunt as he spoke about Mags.

“What do you mean?”

“Yeah she is Steven’s younger sister, I get that. If she keeps doing shit like this then what’s the point of bringing her. We can’t make enemies with other bands. She is trouble,” Axl said loud enough just for Duff to hear.

“Look who is calling the kettle black. Axl let I remind you that you once again you caused the fight before this one that made us leave,” Duff was done with Axl’s bullshit.

“I only started that fight because Nikki was flirting with Dell and you were too drunk to realize it,” Axl snapped back.

“I was just watching over my band,” Axl added.

“Fuck, thanks then,” Duff added. Every part of him wanted to run upstairs and punch Sixx’s stupid smirk off his face, but he knew now wasn’t the time to do it.

“You’re my bandmasters, we may not seem eye to eye, but I got your back...and your girl’s back,” he added pointing over towards Delilah.

Duff wasn’t used to this side of Axl, but he was great duo when Axl shoes this side of him.

“Thanks. I got yours too..and Trixy’s,” Duff replies back,

Before Axl could say thanks Slash and Izzy came down the fire escape to join them.

“She high?” Slash asked watching Delilah dance around.

“Yup!” Axl added.

Izzy shot Duff a glare who immediately shrugged. Izzy gave him the pills to use, and he used them. He wanted to know what the hell Duff was thinking.

Slash walked over towards Delilah to real her back into the group and within seconds, a very pissed bother and sister joined them.

“Fuck off! I don’t need to hear this shit from you!” Mags yelled at her brother before she began to storm home.

“Where is that guy she was with?” Izzy asked looking over at Steven.

“He is making nice with Crue, let’s go,” Steven said.

“Mags?” Delilah asked as Duff guided her back to his apartment.

“She went home, it’s best to leave her alone when she is like this,” he replied.

“I neeeeed Mags,” everyone froze when they heard Delilah’s tone change. She sounded desperate.

“Del,” Duff’s tone was sympathetic. She was drunk and high and he wanted to be there for her when she sobered.

“Mags,” Delilah pushes herself away from Duff and began walking towards Mags.

Duff groaned and followed Delilah towards Mag’s place.

It was going to be a long night.

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: week thirty

brief reviews of the songs that debuted on the 8.2.1997, 8.4.2007, and 8.5.2017 editions of the billboard hot 100

8.2.1997

4) "Mo Money Mo Problems," by The Notorious B.I.G. ft./Puff Daddy & Mase

WELCOME BACK. I am refreshed, I have had a nice few days away from pop music, I got that sweet sub-2:30 in LTTP rando, and I'm coming back to this song, which, hey. It's a classic! I have nothing to add to the discussion around this song. This is one of the most enjoyable pop songs ever made, one of the most enjoyable rap songs ever made, people at the peak of their talents figuring out a magical way to rhyme over an incredible beat. Seriously, "I'm Coming Out" is one of the best songs ever made, and this improves on the foundation, and it's just this beautiful, magical place. It's so good. I am incapable of saying anything constructive in regards to this song. They nailed it. I don’t need to tell you how they nailed it because you can hear how they nailed it.

45) "Coco Jamboo," by Mr. President

So my opinion on this song is that I would have rather not listened to it, but a cursory glance of their Wikipedia page shows that this was a #1 single in Sweden. It reigned for five weeks in the fall of 1996, and it was preceded by "Wannabe" and  followed by a song from a band called E-Type named "Free Like a Flying Demon." You know what kind of owns? "Free Like a Flying Demon." It's not quite what I wanted "Free Like a Flying Demon" to sound like, I thought Sweden was still willing to make a #1 hit out of the occasional bitchin' metal jam (I'm probably thinking of Norway, those freaks mosh), but this sounds like a decent Depeche Mode outtake.

72) "Do You Like This," by Rome

Enh! I've had worse. Thank you for asking me how your song was! This review was much easier to write with the prompt! I also appreciate the way this dude is passionately drawing in every single breath. He is inhaling with PURPOSE. He feels these feelings so intensely, he has to gulp in all the oxygen he can so he can properly express his feelings. Also at one point he goes "nnnnnn" for seven seconds. This is the ur-R&B dude song.

75) "Can We," by SWV ft./Missy Elliott

The soundtrack for Booty Call has two unforgettable cuts, both in vastly different ways from each other. This is more in step with what I expected from the Booty Call soundtrack, just a smooth song asking if y'all DTF. Not that song that was just straight-up porn, just a song that sounds like the last half hour at a club and a last-ditch effort to make something happen. I like that. Especially after Rome being over-dramatic, I'm way into a song that's just, "I dunno, it's just sex. Y'all wanna do it or no?"

81) "Fix," by BLACKstreet ft./Ol' Dirty Bastard

WHAT IS THIS I LOVE THIS. HELL YEAH. I am so, so appreciative that BLACKstreet was willing to go on this adventure, and that Ol' Dirty was willing to hop on the bus with them. This was pretty amazing, though, hey, I'll cop to being a sucker for rock guitars where there typically aren't rock guitars. Slash did things! Slash toolded around in the studio for ten minutes and did enough amazing things to be featured in the song! This was hella fun, I hope more R&B artists made hard rock jams in 1997. I want to live in a world where I don't just hear Rome a thousand more times, I wanna hear this overtake Rome and his ilk for the definitive '90s R&B song.

90) "Can't Get You out of My Mind," by Lil' Suzy

Hey! You know how I haven't been that into Europop? You know how I've been enduring these garbage dance songs for the sake of experiencing the odd "Fulton Street" or "Fix?" GUESS WHAT, THIS WHITE GIRL FROM NEW YORK JUST DROPPED CULTURAL APPROPRIATION INTO THE MIX. I know I made fun of "It's Alright, It's OK," but I would listen to a thousand white girl journal entries before I listened to some girl from Brooklyn pretend she's from Hamburg.

You know what I forgot to do last week? The Top 20s! Here’s what 1997 looks like through 30 weeks. 20) "Step by Step," by Whitney Houston (3.15) 19) "Can We," by SWV ft./Missy Elliott (8.2) 18) "On and On," by Erykah Badu (1.25) 17) "I Want You," by Savage Garden (3.1) 16) "It Must Be Love," by Robin S. (5.24) 15) "Smokin' Me Out," by Warren G ft./Ronald Isley (6.21) 14) "Fix," by BLACKstreet ft./Ol' Dirty Bastard (8.2) 13) "Silent All These Years," by Tori Amos (3.22) 12) "What They Do," by The Roots (1.11) 11) "Step Into a World (Rapture's Delight)," by KRS-One (4.5) 10) "I'm Not Feeling You," by Yvette Michele (2.22) 9) "Bill," by Peggy Scott-Adams (3.29) 8) "Just Another Case," by CRU ft./Slick Rick (7.5) 7) "I'll Be," by Foxy Brown ft./Jay-Z (2.15) 6) "Felton St.," Leschea (6.14) 5) "Bitch," by Meredith Brooks (4.26) 4) "Mo Money, Mo Problems," by The Notorious B.I.G. ft./Puff Daddy & Mase (8.2) 3) "Return of the Mack," by Mark Morrison (3.1) 2) "Hypnotize," by The Notorious B.I.G. (4.26) 1) "Not Tonight (Ladies' Night Remix)," by Lil Kim ft./Angie Martinez, Left Eye, Da Brat & Missy Elliott (7.12)

8.4.2007

6) "What Time Is It," from the cast of High School Musical 2

Given that there will be hella High School Musical 2 in this space four weeks from now, I'd like to reserve the right to have a comment on High School Musical 2 until such a time that it is appropriate. This song is fun! Make sure to come back in four weeks to hear me say that again but longer!

7) "Sorry, Blame it on Me," Akon

...Did anyone else notice that Akon released an album in 2017? In this calendar year! I know it's hard to keep track of alll the things that are happening, what with the president yelling about how he can pardon himself and all, but I went to the AZLyrics page to clarify some of the lyrics, to, y'know, make fun of this shitty song where Akon is only passively-aggressively taking the blame ("even though the blame's on you/you can put the blame on me" christ dude either own your shit or don't), but there's an Akon album called Stadium with the number 2017 in parentheses next to it and song titles under it! The songs have lyrics! One song has a Ludacris feature! Oh, man. This is one album I am not going to listen to! (Follow-up: looks like it’s yet to be released. I am sorry for teasing you like this, I know how much you have been looking forward to hearing new Akon.)

85) "Ready, Set, Don't Go," Billy Cyrus

Everything about this song is gross and awful and I hate that it exists and I hate how it was brought to existence and I wish I had watched a lyric video instead of the music video because I hate looking at this freeloader's face. "This is where I don't say what I want so bad to say." YOU RELEASED THIS SONG TO RADIO. SHE CAN HEAR YOU. JUST NAME THE SONG "I DESIRE ATTENTION AND AM SO VERY HAPPY MY DAUGHTER ENDED UP BEIN' FAMOUS."

88) "You Can't Stop the Beat," from the cast of Hairspray

In 2007, there were multiple feature-length musical comedies featuring Zac Efron. It's not that we didn't have anyone else that could sing and dance while acting. We just decided to let Zac Efron have a go at it. Also, while I have not seen this film (either original or remake, would much rather see the original), I am so glad it exists. So, so very glad there is room in some subculture for John Travolta in drag and a fat suit.

89) "Bed," J. Holiday

Dipping back into 2007 R&B is weird after so much 1997 R&B because I have to come up with something different to say than "'90s R&B, amirite?" This song, though, it's always been a personal favorite. It's over-the-top, but it never feels silly, settles in this nice groove where it's this ridiculous song about fucking. It's probably a mid-tier '90s R&B song, but this was kind of the best 2007 had to offer; I'm not sure why else I'd remember it if it weren't the among the strongest things R&B had to offer that year. Fun fact! J. Holiday's most recent single is called "After We Fuck." Getting better with age like a fine, horny wine.

90) "Can't Leave 'Em Alone," Ciara ft./50 Cent

This is nice! (many hours pass) Nope, nope, still haven't formed any grander opinion on this song. Ciara whispers prettily, and Fiddy doesn't do anything to make the song less chill. Real quick? Team? Team? Real quick? I don't mean to presume, but I'm pretty sure the niceness of this song means the best song to debut on the Billboard chart the week of 4 August 2007 was "You Can't Stop the Beat." Guys, I know I've had my issues with 2017's music, but that's because it's boring. There's nothing wrong with boring, but the problem ends up being that the songs are just there, they're incredibly average. 2007 hasn't been funky in weeks. It's just been bad. Like, look at next week: you have "Stronger," which is a classic, but then three county dudes and whatever "Hood Figga" is gonna end up being. It's easy to yell at 2017 because it's new and we want it to be better, and we can yell at 1997 because of the occasional dip into horrible Eurodance, but I don't think any of the three years has wasted more of my time with songs that just blandly exist than 2007.

97) "Stranger," Hilary Duff

It's like someone decided to take "Beautiful Liar" and add 100% more of everything. Honestly, if they're gonna follow up "With Love" with this, I should be allowed to make whatever mean joke I made in the "With Love" review. If they're not gonna put any effort into their music, I shouldn't have to put effort into the review. (I think I've used that line in a previous review, so look at that, I'm doing it anyway, probably!)

99) "Online," Brad Paisley

This is one of the best country songs about catfishing in existence, as well as the only country song about the internet version of catfishing. This is a fine companion piece for "High Maintenance Woman," and my headcanon is that the maintenance man is also the main character of this song. I will never not appreciate Brad Paisley playing guitar and dad jokes, I can appreciate this very dad summary of how the internet works, and you KNOW your boy appreciates any song with a tuba section, however brief. It won't keep a cover of a 20-year-old musical closer from being the best 2007 song of the week, but it's a song with some degree of depth (and any degree of sweet, sweet tuba) that we can enjoy, and that's kinda "best-case scenario" territory with 2007 songs.

It has been nearly two months since we updated the 2007 Top 20. Since then, one new song has been added. 20) "Lip Gloss," by Lil Mama (6.9.2007) 19) "I Don't Wanna Stop," by Ozzy Osbourne (5.26.2007) 18) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 17) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 16) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 15) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 14) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 13) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 12) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 11) "Can't Tell Me Nothing," by Kanye West (6.16.2007) 10) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 9) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 8) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 7) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 6) "Misery Business," by Paramore (7.21.2007) 5) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 4) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 3) "Beautiful Flower," by India.Arie (6.16.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007)

8.5.2017

75) "A Lie," by French Montana ft./The Weeknd & Max B

Like, this is what I mean when I say 2017 is incredibly average. I remember mostly enjoying the two French Montana songs on the chart, but I don't remember anything that happened in these songs. They don't do anything. They just exist, and they're pleasant to listen to, but no one's taking any risks. There's nothing wrong with a B-, B- is still above-average, but my stars, why settle? Does no one want an A? What are we doing here. What was I supposed to hear in this song to make me believe there are only 74 songs currently in existence which best encapsulate the present moment. It's not bad, I just want something to care about.

86) "Jerika," by Jake Paul & Erika Costell ft./Uncle Kade

This is a love song by a man who, every time he has ever seen any banana in his life, will chuckle, point, and say, "Penis." If I could go back in time and stop myself from starting this project, I would not, because my life is better for having "Felton St." and "Bill" and "Get Buck" and "It Ain't Me" in it, but I would give that time machine a long, long look before deciding not to board.

91) "Young Dumb & Broke," by Khalid

Absolutely fuck this song. Fuck this PBR'n'B version of an anthem. Fuck this dude's ironic detachment, fuck this go nowhere track, fuck that dumb Rodney Dangerfield-ass joke in the second verse, fuck whoever told this dude he was complex, and fuck the naked appeal to the #teens. American Teen. Do #teens actually listen to media with "teen" in the title? I mean, they must, they've been making songs with "teen" in the title since before Billboard published charts, but this song isn't for teens as it is for pretentious music writers who want to write thinkpieces about the state of R&B. This stupid song probably got an entire Slate article published about it by now, and he's only 19 for seven more months, and boy, won't it be a drag when he can no longer substitute his age for an identiy. What a fucking bore.

96) "Woman," by Kesha ft./The Dap-Kings Horns

Y'ALL, FUCK YEAH. Like, last week's song was last week's song, and I respect that it needed to be made. But you know what I like? I like when someone shouts about how happy they are to be alive over a saucy horn section, AND GOT DAMN, THIS DELIVERED ON THE PROMISE OF THE TITLE. Everything about this is good and pure and should be enjoyed without reservation and a daily fixture at every karaoke bar and shouted from the top of every mountain simultaneously and goddamnit it's not gonna be on the chart next week, is it. (This is only gonna be #18 on the list. When 2017 is on, it is goddamned ON, and that's what makes enduring the French Montanas and Khalids such a chore, because I know they can do better! They have done better, and frequently!) But man, this song, I am in love with the Scissor Sisters-y breakdown, I am going to buy space on the Jumbotron at a baseball game to propose to that breakdown, this song muthafuckin' rules.

Seriously tho the 2017 Top 20? 20) "Felices los 4," by Maluma (6.3) 19) "Bodak Yellow," by Cardi B (7.22) 18) "Woman," by Kesha ft./The Dap-Kings Horns (8.5) 17) "Smile," by Jay-Z ft./Gloria Carter (7.29) 16) "Love Galore," by SZA ft./Travis Scott (7.1) 15) "Bad Liar," by Selena Gomez (6.3) 14) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 13) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 12) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 11) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 10) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 9) "Strangers," by Halsey ft./Lauren Jauregui (6.17) 8) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton (5.27) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) There’s been hella jams in 2017, like there’s a reason it and ‘97 are tied in the standings (SPOILERTH), but man, you just get tired of hearing the same shit all the time, y’know?

Won won the week?

1997 won this week incredibly hard. 2017 put up a good fight at the end, but man, 1997 started strong and never looked back.

Current standings: 1997: 11 2017: 11 2007: 8 2007 is lagging behind, but next week is “Stronger” week, and 1997 doesn’t look to be lining up the strongest contenders, though I could be wrong and Nastyboy Kiick could be ready to dazzle me. What will 2017 bring to the table, and can Kanye carry a bunch of schmucks to a W? Find out!