#Dr. Aquino

[darkangel1791]

Random Thoughts on The Falcon and The Winter Soldier:

Dr. Raynor is a terrible therapist, part two.

Again, let me say that I am aware that everything said is for comedic and/or dramatic purposes. And I do understand that the constraints of an hour episode of a series makes it necessary to suspend disbelief at times. The opinion I'm expressing is based on the reality of the show as presented.

In the second session that we see, the first thing she does is insist that Sam come to the session with Bucky. Leaving aside the fact that she has no authority over Sam, and that was way out of line, a therapist should never invite a third person into a one on one therapy session without first discussing it with the client. In a therapy session, a client is very vulnerable and sensitive questions will be asked. It should be a place of safety. Demanding that a third person be there without any warning, and without the client's consent is completely shattering that safe place, as well as an incredible breach of doctor-patient confidentiality.

Her excuse for this is that it is her job to make sure "you're okay". She seems to be addressing Sam which is a complete lie on her part, but even if she is addressing both of them, it is still not her place to suddenly make this relationship a priority in Bucky's therapy. If this is the last therapy session she will have with Bucky, then even moreso it should be solely focused on him.

She takes two people that she has never counseled together before, one of whom she met for the first time minutes ago, and immediately starts trying to work on the relationship. She doesn't even know what their relationship is.

Not quite using the Miracle question correctly. You identify the problem first and then say if you woke up tomorrow and that problem was solved, how would your world be different?

Straight to the soul-gazing exercise? Not even funny, Doc. The soul-gazing exercise is a process done in a quiet, relaxed, atmosphere. I'll just say, in no way would a police conference room in Baltimore ever be a place to do the soul-gazing exercise, and not even elaborate.

Then, Bucky has a significant, emotional, moment. He actually verbally expresses a deeply held fear of his. He even becomes emotional, you can hear it in his voice. Dr. Raynor does NOT acknowledge this in any way. And she allows Sam to brush it off as unimportant as well. Terrible, TERRIBLE, therapeutic response! Her patient actually verbalizes a real fear, experiences a real emotion, allows his inner self out for once, and the response is, NOTHING. No one cares, not even his therapist.

Both of my posts are very long, and thank you so much if you read through them both. But I have to tell you, I could have gone through line by line and pointed out how this therapy was just a train wreck!

Again, no shade to the writers, the point of these episodes was not to portray healthy therapy. But I have seen some reactions on YouTube where people were saying that they loved this therapist. "She didn't take Bucky's bullshit" "She ordered Sam in there like a boss!" etc. And, maybe because therapy is something near and dear to my heart, I want to express my opinion about it, because I don't want anyone to be having this kind of therapy experience and thinking it is a good thing.

Dr. Raynor is a terrible therapist pt.1

[steelbluehome]

Collider

On 'The Falcon and the Winter Soldier's Curiously Iffy Relationship With Therapy

By Gregory Lawrence

Mar 28, 2021

I’ve been going to therapy for many years, and if you’re reading this, I suggest you do, too. It’s an exceptional tool in the ongoing journey of one’s mental health, a place where you can speak and be listened to without agenda. The therapists I’ve spoken with in my life have one common trait: Unflappability. They are professionals at navigating the complicated emotional lives of their clients while not becoming destructively emotional themselves. They don’t pursue anything but giving you a runway to find your truth.

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier is a welcomely grounded Marvel Cinematic Universe series, one less interested in the “big three” of supernatural baddies (“androids, aliens, and wizards,” as Anthony Mackie’s Falcon phrases it) and more interested in the traumas and struggles of getting chewed up and spit out by the systems of regular-ass life. Yes, Mackie’s Sam and Sebastian Stan’s Bucky are fierce warriors who have used state-of-the-art tech and super-soldier serums respectively to battle all kinds of strange folks. But two episodes in, the series’ fights are human-to-human, full of shades and nuance, and often hamstrung by the cruel machinations of a society so determined to make life hard for people (especially returning veterans).

That’s why I was happy to see Amy Aquino show up as Dr. Christina Raynor, Bucky’s court-ordered therapist, in the very first episode. As made evident by Bucky’s nightmare of the merciless acts of violence he took while under Hydra mind control (rendered with shocking horror-tinged brutality by series director Kari Skogland), he needs therapy badly. In their initial sequence together, we see Bucky behave the way we often see troubled protagonists behave in therapy scenes: He plays the silent treatment at best and is openly antagonistic at worst. He baldly lies to his mental health professional about his own mental health. I understand that our (anti)hero can’t suddenly be enlightened and peaceful and ready to move on from his inner conflict; I want to see him go through this journey over the season of television. But I still couldn’t help but want to scream through the TV at him, “Just tell her the truth! You’re only hurting yourself!”

Depiction doesn’t equal endorsement, especially when it comes to a complicated character like Bucky who has objectively committed murders, but there’s something that continues to be complicated about seeing the center of our journey, the person we’re to align ourselves with being so resistant toward mental health wellness, perhaps to provoke a response of “Aw, I understand, I’d behave the same way. Therapy is weird!”

Then again, Dr. Christina Raynor might not be the best therapist for Bucky, or any client. Dramatic license must be taken in any depiction of real life. Unlike the often aimless moments of regular-ass life, dramatic scenes must involve conflict, intention, agency, and a visible drive toward a visible goal. Thus Dr. Raynor, like many film and television therapists before her, takes an aggressive approach toward “meeting the goal of making Bucky well,” poking and prodding at him, trying her best to “get him there.” She simply drips with derision and disdain at every level of her interaction with poor Bucky, even snarkily acting out his past tendencies to commit brainwashed murders. On the one hand, she needs to behave like this for the function of the scene; to watch a character be a blank slate of non-provocation without any goal of her own would likely make a boring scene. The way the scene plays is a strong visualization of Bucky’s resistance and Dr. Raynor’s (and the audience’s) desire for him to know peace. But as she kept poking and prodding and needling and frowning, even while insisting that Bucky needs to trust her, I thought to myself, “Of course he’s not speaking up. Who’d want to spill their innermost secrets to this force who obviously has an aggressive agenda?” The scene attempts to justify some of this behavior by reminding us that Dr. Raynor is a soldier who’s seen combat herself. But the moment a therapist tells you “That’s utter bullshit” is the moment you find a new therapist, dramatic license or not.

Episode 2 pumps up some of the oddness of this therapy dynamic by injecting it with one of the key secrets to the MCU’s sauce: Tension-cutting banter. After Bucky is arrested for not showing up to one of his court-mandated sessions (another complicated moment of positioning the viewer as finding therapy to be an impediment to the characters’, and show’s, action), Dr. Raynor forces both Bucky and Sam to sit down in front of her and figure out what’s tearing them apart. Surprisingly, and quite touchingly, Stan and Mackie play this scene earnestly, the pain they feel toward each other and themselves seeping from the corners of their eyes into their full figures, even as they do bantery things like move their chairs close together without knocking their knees together.

But Dr. Raynor is over here roasting and toasting them like a damn Friars Club gala. She glibly but stridently positions the exercises she wants them to do as normally being done by romantic couples, not giving them any chance to breathe at the slightest moment of resistance, cutting her patients off at the knees under the auspices of helping them stand. She is sarcastic throughout, saying things like “No volunteers? How surprising,” and “Sweet Jesus” with the tenor of a middle school gym teacher ragging on the math nerd who’s getting whomped in dodgeball. And yes, there’s an attempt at fun and bravado in these back-and-forths, the way we see all kinds of other fun back-and-forths in other “serious” MCU moments, the way we see Sam and Bucky constantly treat each other like bickering children. But not every single moment of the MCU needs to possess this kind of tone, especially not when we’re trying to watch a mental health professional deal with such clearly damaged clients.

All of this, this brevity and impatience and snarkiness, is perhaps more understandable and better played in this episode, given the emotional states of our title characters and the fact that it’s framed by an increasingly sleazy, dehumanizing new Captain America (Wyatt Russell, simply throwing away the line, “He’s too valuable of an asset to have tied up, so just do whatever you gotta do with him, then send him off to me”). But it’s still odd and brittle in a way I find unnecessary, even unhelpful. The sequence ends with a genuine moment of clarity and understanding — a breakthrough, even — between Sam and Bucky, even though it ends with Sam leaving the room. Dr. Raynor’s response, simply, is a sarcastic, “Thank you. That was really great.”

“No bullshit tough love,” to use a word Dr. Raynor is fond of, is a sensible stylistic choice for any character in Falcon and the Winter Soldier, but I worry it comes at the cost of actual human connection, change, or empathy in these very sensitive moments. And I worry it all comes at a cost of further demonizing seeking therapy as a viable option for anyone watching. I love the way The Falcon and the Winter Soldier pushes forward in its darker-than-usual plottings, but I really love the way it stands still in its darker-than-usual emotional explorations. I don’t want Dr. Raynor, nor performer Amy Aquino, to suddenly become clipped or dampened or in any way made less of a human being. I just hope Dr. Raynor’s own in-universe therapist tells her to get out of the way of her own bullshit and let the characters explore themselves in future episodes.

[painted-doe]

Came across this neat interview with the actress who plays Raynor while doing some research for my fic today!

[ultralightpoe]

Vigilante Shit - Bucky Barnes

Authors Note: Never liked this one which is why it stayed in the drafts fr so long, it just always seemed empty. It's definitely missing something.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN

Word Count:9,131

Warnings: Cuss words, reader was once apart of the red room

Apart of my MIDNIGHTS EVENT.

Main Masterlist

Enjoy!

Draw the cat eye, sharp enough to kill a man

You did some bad things, but I'm the worst of them

Sometimes I wonder which one will be your last lie

They say looks can kill and I might try

I don't dress for women

I don't dress for men

Lately I've been dressing for revenge

-

It’s the pity on her face that makes you want to claw her eyes out, or maybe the happy family photo sitting on her desk staring and taunting you with their stupid smiling faces. Each of her children smiled like nothing was wrong in the world, like they didn’t have to worry about earning their way or surviving the day.

Dr. Aquinos children would never know pain.  

But that was a given, they weren’t bought and sold off. They weren’t tortured and abused for years only to be torn out when Natasha fucking Romanoff decides to free everyone from that chain and force them into the real world. 

Did it make you pathetic to say you missed it? 

In the red room you had a cot, a meal at least once a day and training. Out here you were no one. No trace of you existed. No ids, or photos, no friends or family. You were nothing. 

Even ghosts had more than you at this point. 

“You know it’s common to feel this way about it? That longing to have it back? It’s the pain and the change, you feel like you have nothing right now but I can assure you that’s not true.” 

You say nothing. 

“Have you given any thought to our last session?” The therapist asks, voice saccharine amount of sweet that tells you she knows your looking for a fight today and she won’t be giving into it. You hated that she knew you would try that, you hated these sessions all together. 

“Yes.” Lie. And judging by the quirk in her smile she knows it too. 

“I think it’s extremely important for you in this next step, to get rid of the suit. What was it they called you?” You don’t reply for a minute, your own little form of rebellion, but she doesn’t let you get away with it for long. “The…. Cobra?” 

“The. Viper.” You bite out, grinding your teeth together and fisting your hands at your side. “The Red Viper to be exact.” 

“Can you explain to me why it is you got that name? I mean your other counter parts all follow a …..widow theme….. but you don’t?” 

“It just….. happened that way.” You lie. “How much longer do we have?” 

Why did she not have a clock?

“Ah. So the story has something to do with Bucky Barnes.” She smiles and you fight back the sneer. 

“Nope.” 

“You always ask for the time when memories of him are brought up.” 

Not. True. You don’t bother arguing because that might prove her point. 

“Can you recall what he looked like?” 

A flash of ice blue crosses your mind, his eyes. Followed by roses and ballet slippers. A small opening to freedom right there in your grasp, his smiling face….. replaced by that of betrayal, the pain and torture you suffered for weeks after because he-

“No.” You lie. “I only knew him as the winter soldier.”

“Have you tried reaching out?” 

“No. And I never will.” Not until you were able to kill him, get your revenge. 

Your therapist didn’t know about your revenge list though,she would have you imprisoned for it. The list of names of every mastermind and agent that did you wrong, and at the very end of the list was the one person you actually managed to trick you, the one person you gave everything you had left to. 

Bucky Barnes would be the last person you killed in this life, and you would make sure to enjoy every second of it.  

-

It’s not everyday they pull you from your training program and load you into a transportation vehicle, and you don’t know whether to be scared or excited by the change in routine. 

You decide on excitement, because a widow is never. Ever. Scared. 

The keepers transporting you all avoid eye contact and you bite back the smirk, knowing that you installed that fear when you bit the thumb off the last guard that tried to touch you inappropriately. You might be hydras toy but you were not a plaything for these half wits. 

“Your mission will be in direct partnership with the Winter Soldat.” The agent in front of you explains, watching you load up your widow uniform with hidden weapons “there’s a list of names that needs to be taken care of, and it might take a minute so they are pairing you both. They want no mistakes, only the best.” 

“No traces no trails. No chances.” You answer, already having it memorized, biting down on your tongue when you remember the poor girl you left as a witness to your last mission. 

Hydra never found out, but her scared scream when she caught you killing her father will haunt you. 

You wondered if you might have had someone to scream over at one point. 

“He won’t speak to you so don’t bother.” The agent grunts as the vehicle comes to a stop and he slams his fist on the side to let them know it’s safe to open the doors. 

They all cast you another look as you try not to roll your eyes at the drama. If you truly wanted out of this vehicle you could slaughter them all, you just knew that hydra would track you down no matter what so what was the point?

They lead you down hundreds of gray halls, each getting darker than the last and the smell of mold and desperation heightened with each step. Finally at the very last cell door they all raise their weapons and slide it open, muttering something in Russian before a figure emerges. 

The glint of his arm catches on the shit light above you first, and then he is there, glowering and confused in the same go. 

“Soldat. This is the widow.” His mentor speaks in Russian, gesturing to you which makes the soldier give you one look. That’s it. One brief look of disdain and he goes back to looking at the mentor like you weren’t even there. 

This mission is going to go well. 

-

“You’re making progress Bucky.” Dr. Raynor hums, her eyes glinting as she watches him over the pad of paper she hasn’t scribbled on in the past hour. He likes to think that it’s a good sign, but he also tries not to get into his own head about it. “But I’d like to go a little deeper if you’ll let me.” 

“Don’t really have a choice doc.” He mutters, but his tone lacks the usual bite. 

“Funny. Have you slept in a bed recently?” 

“I’ve made it to at least 3 hours of sleep in my bed.” He nods, not mentioning he thought the laundry detergent smelled like your shampoo. 

“You bought any home decorations? Anything at all?” 

“There’s a welcome mat by the front door.” 

“Inside or outside?” 

“…..inside.” He wasn’t brave enough to put it out in the hall yet. 

“I just want a house that has a welcome mat and that cookie smell. Something to call home.” Those were your words, whispered to him the night before the soldier….. 

“Tell me what you have been up to lately.” 

“Lunches with Yori….missions with Sam…. And I’ve been…. Trying to find someone.” 

“Someone from your time as the soldier?” 

“Yes.” His throat is tight and he might throw up. 

“For revenge?” 

“No…. Well she might want revenge…… I just want her.” He admits. 

Dr. Raynors eyebrows shoot up, and she tries to keep neutral as she asks the next question. “The viper then?” 

“She didn’t like that name.” 

“How did she get it?” 

“Me.” 

“And what did you call her if she didn’t like the name?” 

“Flower.”

- 

I don't start it but I can tell you how it ends

Don't get sad, get even

So on the weekends

I don't dress for friends

Lately I've been dressing for revenge

- 

The roof of the bagel shop on the stupid block you were on was probably the worst spot to be. 

Best, if you’re focusing on the fact that it’s the perfect hideout for the sniper gun you are aiming and the fact that you’re able to lay at a slant so your legs don’t falls asleep while you focus. 

Terrible for the fact that you could smell the pizza shop next door perfectly, and your stomach was beginning to rumble in hunger. 

But you had to focus, your target was supposed to be in his apartment right now, Viktor Aubrel, the man that sold you in the first place. 

Your intel told you he should have been home an hour ago and yet you were still waiting in the winter air that sent a shiver up your spine, too focused on the aim to realize the two figures now on the roof. 

“Are the widows that oblivious now?” A deep voice laughs causing you to whirl, knife out as you spot none other than the winter soldier and the new captain america, both watching you. 

It was the captain that taunted you, a sneer making its way into your lips as you prepare yourself to launch. The winter soldier extends a hand out, blocking the captain with a skeptical look. 

“Sam. A little forewarning, she doesn’t fight like the others.” He mumbles and you all but hiss, not giving either of them a moment before you’re launching at them. 

They track your movements well, both standing to fight as you run across the roof, jumping up on the ledge to give you the upper advantage and launch yourself at them. Starting with the easier target, the man with the shield. Wrapping your arms around his neck and spinning your body until you have his weight thrown in the air. He manages to catch himself standing but you’re ahead of the game, jumping so your feet are planted on his chest and shoving him off the roof right as the winter soldier gets to you.  

“I don’t want to do this.” He mutters and you hiss again, lunging with a knife out, slashing expertly over and over as he dodges as much as he can. “You don’t need to do this.” 

The knife catches in the elbow of his metal arm and his flesh hand comes up to grab your wrist so you twist, kicking his knee down and flick another knife from your uniform. 

“I want to.” You mutter in Russian, voice dripping with disdain as you raise the knife and bring it down. Only to get blasted across the roof. 

The air leaves your lungs as you skid across the concrete of the roof, splayed out staring at the sky and blinking away the pain. 

“She’s quicker than the rest.” Captain America huffs, helping the soldier up. 

“A lethal experiment. Taking a trained widow and injecting her with mutated blood of some guy named Logan Howlett.”

“Where does the viper come from?” 

“Her knives are all laced with venom and poisons. One touch to your skin and it doesn’t matter if it was a fatal wound or not. You’re out.” You hear them both approach, pretending to be passed out before they get close enough and you can kick the soldier in the stomach. He catches your foot, twisting so your body would have to twist with it or break, but you’re already pulling out a knife and launching it at the other. 

A shout of warning leaves the soldier's lips as the knife nearly gets his partner's thigh, you take this weakness and twist until you are wrapped around him and launching you both across the roof. But he is already working his way out, twisting so you slam into the roof once more, his metal arm on your throat holding you down as you claw at it. 

Panic attacks your body, scratching at the metal as the captain comes into view. 

“Stop. We can help you.” The man sighs. 

“Y/n.” The soldier mumbles, eyes pleading. “Let us help-“ 

Your foot bends to smash into his jaw and send him sprawling back. 

“That’s. Not. My. Name.” Your voice is scratchy from the choking and it hurts to talk, but you don’t have time since you’re already dashing to clear the roof. 

But the captain throws his shield and hits your ankle sending you falling until Bucky catches you and twists you with his metal arm so your back was to his chest and he can hold you. 

“It is. You told me so yourself. Remember?” 

“I wanna see my life before all this. I want to see my family and tell them I’m alive. My name was y/n. I found my file and I just-“ 

You were disgusted that you ever told him such things. 

“LET GO!” 

“We can help with your list.” It’s the caption saying this, his face holding pity. “We can’t kill but we can help take them down. If you’re willing.” 

“They all deserve to die!” The one holding you counted in that. 

“I’m not arguing that. But I am setting boundaries. Justice by more death is not the way to do this.” The man tries to ease, attempting a smile. “I’m Sam. You already know Buck-“ 

“Let me go!” 

“We’re proposing a partnership. We help you take them down, get them arrested and you don’t kill any of them.” 

“Right. And I get thrown in a cell right after I’m assuming.” You sneer, trying not to focus on the scent of hazel and coffee coating your senses from the soldier. 

“You will be pardoned. You had no choice back then and we are giving you one now. Pardoned.” 

“And what do you mean by taking them down?” What choice did you have? 

- 

It had been a week with the soldier when he finally showed a small amount of emotion. Insane. 

You had been huddled in the corner of the abandoned hotel you made camp in, keeping close to yourself for warmth as he pretended to sleep by the wall. You knew he wasn’t actually asleep, not trusting enough to do so. And you don’t know when he does get sleep, all you know is you fight to the last possible moment your eyelids can stay open and you don’t sleep long. 

The exhaustion and the cold were beginning to wear you down, a week in and you had yet to kill a single person on this list because the Soldat refused to listen to how you can manage it. With him it’s all silent and watching, your missions were usually more lively. You wore disguises and set traps. Hydra liked sending messages and it’s what you did. 

They want a quick and efficient widow? They send Belova. They want a widow that draws attention to their dangers? A prize possession? They send you. 

Which is why this entire mission is so weird. Why send you if- before you can finish your thought you are being pelted with a warm jacket, the Soldat glaring at you. 

“Your teeth chattering is keeping me up.” He mutters in Russian, sitting up and checking all his weapons. 

“As if you sleep.” You reply back in Russian, rolling your eyes. His eyes flick to you in surprise for just a second before he trains them again, watching the window in the opposite corner. “What’s your name?” 

“Soldat.” 

“What’s your real name?” 

“I….. should the viper be asking questions?” He snaps, glaring once more before you roll your eyes and stand up. He watches your every move as you toss his jacket back and cross the room. “Where are you going?” 

“To be a viper.” You sneer back, enjoying the way the Russian makes the words bite out more. 

He stands up quickly when you move to climb out the window but you send him a glare and descend quickly, making sure he does not follow. 

When you get back three hours later, he is standing in the center of the room with his arms crossed and a glare on his features. 

You simply walk past him to grab your list, crossing off the first name. “Can we get an actual hotel this time? I need to shower some of this blood off.” 

As you move to walk past him his arm shoots out to grab you, pain erupting as he bends your neck to look at him. You would allow this, because is his anger is on you then he won’t look into the 2 little children you helped vanish tonight after you killed their father. 

“You do not make moves without me. Understood?” 

“Yes Soldat.” You try to nod before he lets go. 

“Viper.” He hisses. And you would allow it, because if anyone knew what you had done you would be killed. 

-

The three of you ended up in a warehouse not too far away from the roof you had been scouting on, bucky carrying your bag of weapons on his shoulder as he tried not to look at you while Sam paced back and forth. 

You sat on a fallen beam, seeming bored and uninterested as you picked at your nails. But Bucky knew that was your game, to let the world think you were a valid assassin with little to no care. 

But he knew you cared, he knew how much effort you had put into saving kids back then. You had always been so warm without even realizing it. 

But maybe that all changed, after it….. all happened he hadn’t heard about you again and after he was freed by Steve he couldn't seem to find any of the children you had saved. 

“What happened to them?” He finds himself asking, his chest pinching at the sight of you. His flower. But that look in your eyes, the betrayal and anger….. 

“The first three on my list? I dumped their bodies in the river.” You smile, turning your glare to Sam. “How about that pardon now?”

“The kids. The ones that you-“ you stand before he can finish his sentence , both him and Sam preparing for a fight as you seem to try and ease yourself. 

“What kids?” Sam snaps, anger and protectiveness rolling off of him. “Did you hurt-“ 

“No. She used to smuggle them out.” Bucky explains. “When she got missions if there was a kid in the family she would pretend to kill them, and help the kid out.” 

“I thought hydra confirmed kills by bodies.” 

“Not when you’re the best.” You smile, that vapid venomous smile that made Bucky's stomach churn. “And Soldat is right. I used to smuggle the kids out.” 

His chest hurts at the name you use, but he assumes that it’s fair. “Where are they now?” 

He wants you to look at him, to tell him they are all safe and that he didn’t ruin everything. But you keep your eyes trained away, pain flashing through your features as you explain. “After you…. Told them….. they got the names and locations from me and sent out the shadow widow.” 

“Kaltain Amerie.” Sam nods, recognizing the name. She was married to a fancy rich guy now, had been the one Yelena found. 

“She took care of what I couldn’t. She did the job.” You nod, hands fisting at your sides as the words clang into Bucky. “And I was punished for my failure.” 

“And the missions you got after they caught you?” Sam asks, casting a brief look to bucky at the word caught. 

“I had a partner, and they always made sure I did my job.” Fuck. 

He was going to puke, how many kids had….. 

“You mentioned an alliance. Not an interrogation.” You snap, obviously uncomfortable. “And if you want to revoke my pardon because of-“ 

“I don’t.” Sam says gently, nodding. “And I’m sorry that it happened.” 

“I’m not.” It was a lie and Bucky could taste it. Anything to keep both of them away, that wall you built up when he first met you. 

“Okay. The name on your list. Let’s talk about how to get him.” Bucky changes direction, wanting to get you to ease again, not liking the pain in your eyes. 

You continue to avoid looking in his direction, and he continues to stare at only you. 

- 

She needed cold hard proof so I gave her some

She had the envelope, where you think she got it from?

Now she gets the house, gets the kids, gets the pride

Picture me thick as thieves with your ex-wife

And she looks so pretty

Driving in your Benz

Lately she's been dressing for revenge

-

It’s a month into the mission when the Soldat tells you his name. 

Gone were the days of sleeping on opposite sides of the room, now you both shared a bed. Gone were the days of him not sleeping, and he was now the one that fell asleep first. 

Tonight being one of those nights, with you sitting against the headboard of the hotel bed, his forehead pressed into your thigh as he falls asleep slowly, letting you play with his hair as you review footage of your next name. The third on the list. 

“My name….” He mutters, this time in English which still shocks you everytime he does. “It’s Bucky.” 

“Bucky?” It tastes like vanilla on your tongue, your chest lightening as you whisper it a couple more times. “I like it.” 

“What’s yours?” 

“My file…. My file says Y/n.” You whisper back and he tilts his head up to look at you. 

“You don’t seem to like it.” 

“I….. it just doesn’t feel real.” You admit. “It feels wrong for me to use it.” 

“I think it’s a wonderful name. It suits you well but… I think you’re my flower.” He murmurs back, moving to press his forehead into your thigh once more and finally lets sleep claim him. 

The next morning you both work in tandem, cleaning weapons, he gives you time to make sure that your knives are still potent with venom as you try to come up with a plan to get the 5 year old girl out of the country without the soldier knowing. 

But the betrayal of it hurts your chest, watching him work around you as a smooth unit. A team. That’s what you had become. 

“Ready?” He asks in Russian, coming up to fix the hair that had fallen out of your braid, using his flesh hand to push it behind your ear as his thumb traces your jaw. 

“Always. You?” 

“With you my little flower? Always.” 

-

It was ironic the way you and the Soldat still worked in tandem, moving with an effortless grace. 

Sam, the captain, watches with wide eyes as you both move around each other. 

“Do we have-“ 

“Yes we have enough intel.” You snap, closing the camera footage the second you spot the young boy running down the hall of the mansion when both him and his mom get home. The pain in your chest could be blamed on the image, and or the stupid soldier standing too close to you. “I can smell your breath.” 

“He ate a cheeseburger for lunch again?” Sam chuckles and you stand straight, giving him wide eyes as the Soldat rolls his own. “You know you can’t get in trouble for calling him an idiot, right?” 

“I’m aware.” Your words come out clipped and you try not to shudder at the way Sam snickers, catching your lie. 

“Say it.” 

“Say what?”

“Call Barnes a dumbass.” 

“I won’t speak to the Soldat.” You reply, moving to clean your knives. 

“Oh come on. Try it. It helps me..” sam laughs, sitting across from you at the kitchen counter as the Soldat shuffles closer to help you clean the knives. You could feel the warmth radiating off of him. 

“You….. are a dumbass.” You squeak out, not looking at him. You hear him snort behind you and he reaches across to grab another knife. You roll your eyes at the way he presses his body next to yours. 

“That was lame. Try again.” Sam laughs. 

“Fine. You’re a DUMBASS!” You snap out, watching both their eyes widen before laughs break out and they start cracking up. 

You feel your stiff spine loosen a little, the anxiety easing as you start laughing as well, all three of you cackling. His flesh hand finds its way to your lower back to keep you stable as you both drop the knives to laugh. And finally, after three weeks of working with them you drop the angry front, and give in to their warmth even though everything in you screams to not fall for it. 

-

“Is this….. proper mission food?” You ask from the spot you had taken at the window, watching Bucky and Sam come in with pizza boxes and beer in their hands, both laughing at each other . 

Bucky had, sort of tripped up on the stairs which sent Sam in a spiral of making fun of him, but the second they laid eyes on you that humor fell out the window, both going quiet. 

“You don’t think pizza and beer are good?” Sam asks, offended. “This is the best combo.” 

“Is it…. Allowed?” You ask again and Bucky feels that pang in his chest before he passes the box to you and opens it smoothly. 

“You get the first slice pick.” He offers and Sam gasps at the counter. 

“That….. oh that’s just cruel to me.” 

“It’s an honor to pick the first slice then?” You quirk your eyebrow, humor written on your face, the spark in your eyes setting him on fire. “This is a New York custom?”

“Oh indeed.” He smiles, pushing the box closer to you. “It would be a great dishonor to refuse this.”

There is a second of discomfort, he watches you contemplate it before you reach for a slice, grabbing the largest slice and raising your eyebrows as you wait to see their reactions. 

“Perfect choice!” Sam grunts, reaching around you to grab another slice. 

“I was going to choose that one.” Bucky smiles, watching you bite it immediately then stick out your tongue at him before taking up a spot on the couch as both of them find their own seats in the living room. You seem tense still, obviously not used to this sort of freedom anymore and his lungs constrict at the thought that this was caused by him. 

Back then you had been so… warm and open. Even as an agent you melted the ice exterior the soldier had around him. And through the muddled haze of his memory every memory attached to you was always crystal clear, like a flame in the fog. 

“So…. you guys knew each other back when he was the Winter Soldier?” Sam asks, popping the lid off of a beer with ease, he leans forward on his knees and pretends to be more interested in the pizza box. Making it seem like he was an open book, a comforting thing. 

“Yeah, we had a long list of enemies that they wanted us to deal with.” You answer, looking to the window rather than either of them. 

“It seems like it went wrong…” 

“It went fine.” Bucky is quick to snap. 

“It was fine. We made it through half the list, before Hydra had to get involved.” You snap as well moving to set the rest of your slice on the plate left on the table for you. “I made a mistake.”

“It wasn’t-” Bucky goes to argue, chest tight.

“I let emotions muddle my task.” You explain to Sam. “I got too attached and ruined it. And then I got caught smuggling the kids out- I was further reported for my behavior and handled accordingly.”

“Hey, this isn’t Hydra.” Sam tries to ease you. “I think what you did was very noble and-”

“All I did was give kids hope where it didn’t belong.” You sneer. “I will never allow myself that weakness again.” 

You cast Bucky a glare, his palms sweating and chest blistering as he watches you disappear into the bathroom and the shower running a second later. 

Sam continues watching Bucky, eyebrows pinched together. “You reported it?”

“I… as much as I broke away at that time I was still under the soldiers spell.” Bucky admits, gulping down half the beer in his hand. “I…. I had sent in a mission report. Well I had to send it in and I had caught her plan a little bit before that.”

“I’m sorry that happened, Buck.”

“I am too.” He sighs. “I got rewarded and she… well they broke her.”

- 

She don't start it, but she can tell you how it ends

Don't get sad, get even

So on the weekends

She don't dress for friends

Lately she's been dressing for revenge

- 

“You need to be careful in the upper levels.” He warns, keeping his flesh hand on the small of your back as you both move to start scaling the side of the house. 

“I know.” You growl out, keeping your voice low as his eyebrows pinch in frustration. “Don’t be a worry wart.”

“Stick to my side.”

“The job is quicker if I take care of the kids.” You mumble, leaning up to kiss his cheek lightly, the closest you had ever gotten to actually kissing him, no matter how much you wanted to. Three months with him and you were hopelessly in love. 

“Fine.” He grunts out, his Russian sharp. He nods once before moving to his starting point, checking that you had begun scaling the wall to the kids room before heading in to handle the parents. But you had been so caught up in Bucky that you didn’t check to make sure both the children were asleep. 

The girl screamed first, followed by the boy and you began rushing to ease their worries, kneeling by them and trying to swipe the tears away. “No no. Easy my little ones. It’s okay. I just need you to listen-”

But the boy screams again, this time at something behind you which makes you whirl to find Bucky in the frame of the door, watching intently with blood on his arm. 

“No! Please!” You beg, up on your feet and shoving yourself in front of the children as he cocks his head to the side. “Please.”

“Move.” He orders, raising his gun. It seems he’s already assessed the weakness and was willing to handle the problem. “Now.”

“No!” You hadn’t even realized that tears were falling down your face until you could taste the salt, moving forward to grab his gun. “Please!”

“The mission-”

“They are children.” Both of you were speaking Russian, which seemed to be scaring the kids even more as they wailed, and you turned to ease them again. They dash into your arms, holding you tight as they sob. You would die before letting anything happen to them. 

When you turn to see him again you see that he has lowered the gun and is merely staring at you, something sparking in his eyes. 

You wait for the blow, but it never comes. Instead he nods his head and moves to pick up the boy. He helps you get them out, aboard a ship and hidden from Hydra. When you make it back to the hotel you pace a bit, waiting for him to finish you off. 

But he merely stands in the center of the room, watching you closely. 

“I’m sorry.” You sob, hand on your chest as you turn to him finally. “I failed the mission and-”

He moves forward in three easy strides, his hands grasping your jaw to bring you up into a searing kiss, arms wrapping around you tightly as he lifts you off the ground to keep you close. And all anxieties peel away, as he lifts his hand to undo your suit. Giving yourself to the soldier that night, and once you were done you stay huddled together, whispering your dreams of the past and future. 

And for once you felt like…. You were home. 

- 

The next morning tensions were gone, and you seemed to have forgotten about the night before. Or at least you were pretending to, and Bucky didn’t know if he should be happy or angry at the fact. 

You had combed through all the footage of the target, piling it all into a folder and he had sent the flash drive to the people needed that would be able to get him arrested. And after that had been sent you had sent out another envelope to his wife, with proof of an affair so she would be able to divorce him. 

And just like that another name was taken off your list, and Bucky tried not to feel the pressure at the fact that he was sure you would be gone the second the list was done. And he wouldn’t have an excuse to see you anymore. 

He’s lucky Sam went along with this plan in the first place. 

“Where is Sam?” You ask from your spot at the counter, legs crossed as you play with one of your knives, watching him closely where he sits on the couch. 

“He went to go check on his sister and her kids.” He answers, looking up to you. “They are really close.”

“That’s nice.” You hum, dropping the knife out of boredom. “What comes next?”

“You got another name?”

“Are we allowed to start without Sam?” You ask, eyebrows pinching together. 

“Yes. We can. Your list?” 

“Front pocket of my duffel.” You hum out, something having caught your attention. He reaches for the bag and checks for the list as you shuffle closer to his open laptop. For a second he hears you hesitate, but he had already made it clear that you had access to anything so he nods and lets you look as he finds the paper you wrote the list on. 

His eyes skim across the names, landing on the very last name as his heart stops. ‘Bucky Barnes’ , and no matter how many times you blink the name does not disappear. Why did you let him see this? Was this a trap set?

He whirls, only to find you staring at the screen unblinking. “Flower?”

Your head snaps to glare at him as he shuffles closer, shoving your list in his pocket and looking at what had caught your attention. He finds an old sitcom, a scene with a mother curled up with her kids and reading them a bedtime story. 

“You never told me why.” He mutters, sitting on the couch with you on the floor staring at the screen again. 

“Why what?”

“Why did you risk your life for all those kids?”

“Because they… because no one fought for me back then.” You admit, turning to look at him. “What is this show?”

“Full house. I don’t know, Steve put it on my list.”

“Your list?” You ask and he nods. 

“Things to catch up on.” He smiles. “Like the star wars series.”

“The what?” He blinks slowly at your question, purely shocked.  

- 

Three hours later you are both sprawled out on the couch, pillows and blankets thrown about with snacks everywhere. Bucky had dragged you out to the store, buying tons of snacks that you had never tried before and before you knew it the apartment cupboards were packed with snacks and you were preparing to see the first star wars. 

“Should we… have brought all this to the mission base?”

“The what?” He laughs, leaning forward to snatch a gummy worm from the bag you were holding. 

“The… this apartment. Are we allowed to use it for this?”

“It’s my apartment.” He shrugs, and you blink slowly. 

“It’s empty though.” 

“I have a couch!” He scoffs. “And a tv!”

“No bed, no plushy towels or…. This is your home?” You didn’t know why this upset you. “You live like this?”

You want to kill him. You want to kill him. Why does this matter?

“I have a welcome mat.” He points to the door. 

“That’s an ugly welcome mat.” 

“Is not.”

“That would scare away any child on halloween.” You snap. “Are you trying to ruin their halloween?” 

“No one really comes up here on halloween.” He shrugs again. “Why does it matter?”

“You… you’ve been free! You have been free this whole time and this is how you live and- I…..”

“I had other things to worry about besides Hydra. And John Walker. Tony Stark and the snap and- well I was trying to find you.” He admits. 

“You were trying to find me?” Your chest constricts, as you watch him. “You tried to find me?”

“I did but after I was freed it was like they made you completely disappear and I’m assuming it’s because they knew I would start looki-” Before he can finish his sentence his phone rings and he sees Sams name, giving you an apologetic look before picking it up. You take a moment to try and fix yourself, taking deep breaths in. “He WHAT?”

This catches your attention, sitting up to watch him carefully as he stands. “I’ll be right there.”

He hangs up and nods. “I gotta go help Sam. Stay here and-”

“I’m coming with you.” You snap, moving to grab your duffel.

“No, we have a situation with John Walker and I need to-”

“I am coming.” And just like that you grab your suit, giving him your best glare as he shakes his head. “You both are helping me. The least I can do is help you.”

“You don’t have to.” He mumbles. 

“But I will. Let’s go.”

- 

Ladies always rise above

Ladies know what people want

Someone sweet and kind and fun

The lady simply had enough

- 

“Thank you.” You whisper, keeping your head on his chest as you trace patterns along his skin. “Thank you for helping.”

“If you got away what would you do?”

“Me? I….. I would find the kids and make sure they made it. I would buy a house and get a cheesy welcome mat for it. I would decorate for halloween and….. And I would adopt a kid and-” You could taste the freedom, imagine it right there. A happy life. 

“That sounds… amazing, flower.” 

You lift your head, smiling softly as you lean up to kiss him, and he smiles back before moving to kiss you back. 

You feel him stiffen before sitting up quickly and reaching for his knife. “Bucky?”

“I’m sorry.” He mumbles. “I’m so sorry.”

Before you can realize the door is blown open and agents rush in to grab you. 

- 

“Oh…. oh I like this duo.” John Walker smiles, watching you stand slightly behind Bucky with your arms crossed. He doesn’t say a word and neither do you, both giving him a good glare. The Winter Soldier and The Viper. “I hadn’t realized that Bucko boy came with his very own sidekick.”

“этот идиот знает, что от него пахнет рыбой?” (does this imbecile know he smells of fish?) You ask, sneering a bit and taking a step closer to Bucky. “и так небрежно использовать свое имя. Я могу сломать этого человека за считанные минуты.” (and to use your first name so casually. I can break this man within minutes.)

“Я с нетерпением жду этого. Еще я очень голоден, мармеладных червячков мне не хватило, чтобы поесть..” (I look forward to it. I'm also very hungry, gummy worms were not a sufficient meal)

You nod, trying not to smile as he gives you a look over his shoulder while Walker shuffles uncomfortably on his feet. “Shouldn’t we all speak english?”

“Maybe.” Sam shrugs. “But I find it’s easier to let these two do their thing. You said something about a raid?”

“There is a train heading down south here in 30 minutes and I know for a fact that there are rebels planning on stealing what’s on it.”

“What’s so important about what’s on the train?” Bucky asks, casting a look towards you and you see him catalog each and every one of your weapons just as he always used to do as the soldat. You give him a glare and he shrugs. 

“Weapons.” John mutters. “And if we can intercept the rebels then-”

“You get your job back?” Sam snides.  John stutters for a second and you snort, enjoying the panic on his face. He glares at you, preparing to say something as you step forward to grab one of your knives. You had no clue who this man was but it was easy to know that he was not an ally. 

“Get your-”

“She’s not a dog.” Sam snaps, as Bucky sneers. “We’ll help, but on our terms. No one gets hurt and no one gets pummeled without cause.”

“Fine. Let’s see what you guys can do.” John sneers at you both, and Bucky sends you an easy smile over his shoulder as you smile back. 

“Устроить им ад?” (Give them hell?) 

“следую твоему примеру, Барнс.” (Following your lead, Barnes) You smile back, both of you swiveling to Sam and moving together. 

- 

You stand with him on a bridge, keeping a hand on his arm to stabilize yourself as you keep an eye on the ledge, fixing the comm in your ear with your other hand as he does the same. 

“I….. I never wanted to betray you.” He blurts, as John tries to convince Sam to give him one of their comms, his argument of ‘I’m part of the team!’ almost making you snort. But Bucky’s words kept your attention as you tried to play it cool. Keeping your eyes trained on the bridge before you. 

“Is this a good time to talk about this?” You mutter in Russian, just in case Walker could hear you both like you could hear him. 

“It was the status report. They were making me do it every month and….. I fought it. I really tried to fight it.” He admits in russian, casting a look to Walker before turning back to you, his hand shooting out to wrap around your arm as you lean to prepare a landing. “Careful.”

“I thought…. You were…. Nevermind it was my mistake.”

“It wasn’t a mistake.” He snaps, pulling you closer. “It… It was everything to me.”

“I shouldn’t have. I should have kept my eyes on the mission and I ruined it and I ruined it for those kids. You were a weapon dangled before me, they knew I would fall for it. They knew I would fall for the freedom of it. And I’m sure they already knew that I was helping those kids and they just needed to prove-” The words are spilling out and you just can’t seem to stop them, tears beginning to fill your eyes. “I just wanted… I just wanted to help them.”

“You did.” He mumbles, moving until his chest is pressed to your shoulder. “Please look at me.” 

“I messed it all up.”

“You didn’t mess anything up-”

“I did. I fell in love.” You finally look at him, tears in your eyes as he takes a deep breath in. 

“I-”

“Incoming.” It’s Sam's voice in the comms that makes you both jump before you look to see the train coming. 

“On it.” You mumble back in english, stabbing a knife into the brick beneath you as Bucky keeps a hold on your arm. 

“Be careful, we’ll be right behind. Keep a knife ready and-”

“I’ve got it.” You laugh, watching the train get closer and closer. 

“I just worry.” He admits, leaning forward to kiss your cheek softly. “And just so we are clear, I fell in love too.”

You try not to smile, giving him one last look before using the chord and launching down as you hear Sam count down in the comms, feet landing on the top of the train with a thud before you dive for the top grate and begin working on tearing it off. 

You manage to tear it off in time to duck and lay flat as a sign under the bridge appears, managing to avoid it before crouching and climbing in as the train breaks from the bridge, three heavy sets of footprints hit the top of it while you climb across boxes to get to the end of the cart. 

“Viper?!” Walker calls, landing in the crate followed by Bucky and Sam. You don’t bother answering, too busy trying to lift the shaft on the cart. 

“You good?” Sam asks, coming to your side. 

“I’m fine.” You mumble. “I can handle the mission sir-”

“Did you just sir me?” Sam laughs, leaning to help you with the shaft, letting the sunlight break in as the wind snaps in both your faces. 

“You guys see anything?” John yells across the way as Bucky hops over a box and reaches you both. 

You have just enough time to turn, ready to bite a response to Walker when you spot the bomb taped to the far wall. Your mouth opens in an attempt to yell a warning but it’s too late. It all blasts to shit. 

- 

There was nothing but pain as you hung suspended in the cell, the Shadow Widow sneering at you from her spot in the corner while Valkov took a break from torturing you. Your breathing is ragged, blood falling out of your mouth with the saliva as your eyes water. 

You can no longer feel your legs, and your fingernails had been torn out first. Sobs racking through your body as he asks the question again, his russian loud. 

“WHERE ARE THE LOOSE ENDS?!!”

You couldn’t betray the kids, you couldn’t do it. So when he picked up the drill you closed your eyes, sobbing once more as you try to blink Buckys face out of your memory, succumbing to your punishment. 

- 

Heat blasts against his back as you scream out, Sam yelling loudly, all three of you grasping anything you can as the train keeps going. 

Bucky’s metal arm finds purchase on a broken handle of the train, trying to pull himself up as Sam grips the side grates of the train trying to activate his falcon wings while you struggle to keep hold of what is left of the floorboard in the train car, nails scraping as you grimace in pain while your legs stay suspended in the air. 

“HOLD ON!” He calls, reaching his flesh hand for you before the metal of the door groans and he has to freeze. 

Walker appears, bleeding from his ears and looking frazzled as hell, but Bucky breathes out a sigh of relief when he sees the idiot reach to help you. Hope that you would make it out of this mess, that is until John stumbles as he reaches for your hand and ends up making you lose your holding. 

You scream out, nails scraping as you slide out, nearly all your body suspended in the air. Both Bucky and Sam scream, reaching for you before they realize they can’t. 

“When does this fucking bridge end?” Bucky snaps, looking down to the hundreds of feet below, memories flashing in his mind. 

“Language.” Sam grunts, exhaling in relief when he sees you manage to grab the final woodboard, your last chance at holding on. 

“Complete the mission.” You snap. “I can get up.”

“We don’t leave each other behind.” Bucky grunts, using his flesh hand to reach for a rope connected to the roof of the train car. 

“Hydra tells us we need to complete the missi-”

“This isn’t Hydra and I’m not leaving my girl on this train.” Bucky snaps and Sam whoops out a loud ‘fuck hydra’ as they both struggle to get to the main opening. 

There are thuds on top of the train and you risk a look to see multiple hooded figures with bags getting ready to ransack the weapons. A grunt of anger passes through you as let one hand free from the board, much to Bucky's chagrin as he yells out for you before you reach and grab your compact launcher you had hidden in the belt of your suit and shoot the roof with the grappling hook, pulling yourself up right in time for Walker to fall back into the car. 

“This manchild is useless.” You sneer, reaching for Bucky immediately, hands grasping his tactical vest and dragging him as much as you can into the train car as Sam struggles to get in as well. 

“There are about 15 figures. We should have about 10 minutes before they blow the rest of this train up.” You explain, keeping your hands on his shoulders as you assess him. “Are you hurt?”

“No I’m-”

“I’m hurt!” Walker calls, making you hiss an unappealing word at him in russian before moving to look at Sam. 

“Do you want the viper or me on this mission?”

“Viper would be nice.” Sam nods, looking at all the weapons. “Viper for sure.”

You nod, turning to assess Bucky one more time before he nods at you and you both begin working.   

- 

While he was doing lines

And crossing all of mine

Someone told his white collar crimes to the FBI

And I don't dress for villains

Or for innocents

I'm on my vigilante shh again

- 

You both work in tandem, every punch he throws shoves the person straight into your kick. You slash your knife at anyone that gets too close to him, slicing their skin easily as he snipes out anyone rushing to the train. 

Sam is finding the rest of the bombs, disarming them to the best of his ability. 

You hiss in pain when you get hit in the jaw, but Bucky is there smashing the butt of his gun to the back of their head as you blink away the tears. His hand finds your jaw, assessing the damage before turning and nodding to the path you guys need. 

“So…. what’s the plan after this?” He asks, huffing as he gets to the slate you had originally been planning on clearing. 

“After this? Probably dinner.” You laugh, bending to break the controls. He adjusts himself so you were back to back, him watching to make sure you were good. 

“I mean…. After this mission.” 

“I….. I want to finish the list.” You answer, tearing out a board to access the rest of the control panel. 

“Does that list still include me?” He blurts, making you freeze. When you don’t answer he looks down to see you already staring up at him with wide eyes. 

“You saw that?”

“On your list. Highlighted and everything.” He nods, snapping his attention to a thud across the way, finding it empty. It was enough to get you back to work, focusing on the wires and buttons again. “I would understand if you wanted to-”

“I don’t anymore.” You snap. “I don’t think I ever would have been able to but it’s not like I planned to make it far after I got out. I didn’t have a plan. Everyone else had a plan and I was left! I was tortured and maimed for wanting that freedom, and when the time came I was the only one that had nothing to live for.” 

You were seething, and he could only agree. He hated the other widows for what they did to you, that would never be forgiven. 

“I wanted a family. That’s all I wanted.” You whisper, finally breaking the right chord. The lights immediately die out and the train lurches as it comes to a complete stop. 

“Is that still what you want?” He whispers back, holding his hand out for you to grab and help you up. 

“I don’t deserve it.” 

“You are the only person in this entire universe that deserves that.” He snaps. “And it’s important to me that you know that.”

“It’s not like I have much of a future open.”

“Well I think you have a bit of a future in the vigilante game if you ask me.” He smiles. 

- 

I don't start it, but I can tell you how it ends

Don't get sad, get even

So on the weekends

I don't dress for friends

Lately I've been dressing for revenge

- 

“I’m sorry, you used to what?!” Sarah laughs, coming around the kitchen counter to grab a bottle of soda from your hand, eyes wide. “Dip your knives in lethal poison.”

“It made things easier. Even if I didn’t hit a vital organ I still knew the job was done.” You explain, shrugging a bit as she laughs. You still got nervous when talking about your past, but Sarah seemed anything but judgemental. 

Sam's sister ended up being your very best friend on this earth, which surprised you to no end. You loved her kids and you loved her. You especially loved girls night because you never thought this would be an option in general. Nonetheless you had friends now. You had a home, with a silly little welcome mat that was left on the porch for the trick or treaters every year. 

The very same one that was getting trampled on every time Sarahs kids ran through with your adopted children, covered in mud and laughing loudly. 

“Hey! Mind your mess!” She snaps out but you can’t stop smiling as you watch your adopted 4 year old chase after one of her sons. 

“What are you up to?” Bucky asks, coming in from the garage with Sam and Joaquin smiling from ear to ear as he rushes to kiss at your jaw. 

“We are getting ready.” You laugh, shooing him away. 

“For?”

“The Eras movie. You have daughters now Barnes. You need to get with the program.” Sarah scoffs playfully, making her brother laugh as they pick up the snacks and head to the living room. 

“Hey…. I just wanted to say thank you for your help on the mission the other day.” Torres smiles before following the rest into the living room leaving you with Bucky. 

“Hear that? Vigilante shit right there.” You laugh, leaning forward to kiss him. 

“Still waiting for you to kill me.” He whispers against your lips, winking before heading to catch your daughter as she tries to dash past, making her laugh loudly and reach for you.

[451redirect]

// 𝕝𝕚𝕜𝕖 𝕠𝕣𝕡𝕙𝕖𝕦𝕤, 𝕚 𝕒𝕞 𝕟𝕠𝕥 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 𝕖𝕟𝕠𝕦𝕘𝕙 𝕥𝕠 𝕟𝕠𝕥 𝕝𝕠𝕠𝕜 𝕒𝕥 𝕨𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕚 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥. //

𝕊𝕋𝔸𝕋𝕊

FULL NAME . charmaine aquino estrada NICKNAMES/ALIASES . cha (sha), char BIRTHDAY .  march 12th AGE . twenty-eight GENDER . cis-woman PRONOUNS . she/her ORIENTATION . pansexual panromantic  FAMILY .  carmelita aquino (mother), kadar estrada (father), haliya estrada (sister) OCCUPATION . go-go dancer @ heaven’s night, aspiring actress in neo hollywood MARKINGS/TATTOOS . a heart tattoo on her left rib PIERCINGS . double lobe piercings, cartilage piercing on her right ear HEIGHT . 5’2

ℙ𝔼ℝ𝕊𝕆ℕ𝔸𝕃𝕀𝕋𝕐

POSITIVE TRAITS . adaptable, aspiring, compassionate, curious, optimistic, personable, self-reliant  NEGATIVE TRAITS . naive, uncritical, wishful, escapist, impulsive LANGUAGES . english, tagalog, french EDUCATION . high school diploma MORAL ALIGNMENT . neutral good DEADLY SIN . envy HEAVENLY VIRTUE . diligence ZODIAC . pisces sun, taurus moon,  PARALELLS. penny (dr. horrible), jane eyre (jane eyre), jane bennet (pride & prejudice), sailor venus (sailor moon)

𝔸𝔹𝕆𝕌𝕋

There is nothing extraordinary about your existence. [ You continue reiterating this to yourself long after the events that unfold. A coping mechanism of sorts. ] Your mother works as a journalist and your father a mechanic. You interest in acting begins at a young age, enthralled by the old movies that would come across your family's living room T.V., eventually seeking them out yourself when you're old enough. You get along with your older sister as much as one can when you're that close in age.

Your mother disappears one day. You weren't old enough to remember the events directly, depending on the relayed information from your sister and father. She's here one day, and then she's not. The last time she's seen is leaving the headquarters of the publication she works for. There was no reason to believe she wouldn't return home that day, her father assured her and her sister time and time again. Best (or worst?) case scenario is that she's abandoned you, worst case scenario is that something beyond her control has happened to her.

Your family and the community search the ends of the earth for her, but the case eventually goes cold. Your life and the lives of your family are meant to continue on, but it feels nearly impossible with the gaping void left in your mother's absence. You imagined one day you'd finish school, attend some sort of fancy acting college on a full ride scholarship, and make it big in Neo Hollywood.

But you needed out. You do your best to emotionally support both your father and your sister, but you know deep down that the changes that have occurred within all of you are too much for you to bear. You manage to land a job as a go-go dancer, saving up to secure a place of your own, and using your spare time to refine your acting skills and attend auditions.

You can nearly smell your big break. A small speaking role on daytime television turns into something more promising when a lead actress abandons the role in a huff. You're reveling in the excitement of your new role, and completing your yearly health screenings, when it's brought to your attention that you've been encrypted with a chip of sorts, one that is well hidden enough to be overlooked by the average doctor. It's also one too advanced for any "expert" to decrypt you're able to make contact with as a civilian.

It doesn't take long for you to realize who is responsible. Your father eventually fesses up that your mother wasn't just an average journalist, but an investigative journalist, and one who was on the verge of her big break. When she disappeared, as did everything she'd most recently uncovered. It's a difficult pill the swallow, the sort of information you could be harboring within you, and you're torn between what feels like your duty to carry out [ one you resent your mother for thrusting upon you, a woman you never met ], and what is the semblance of normalcy you've managed to craft for yourself. 

[kavalyera]

How many vampire oc's do you have eheh? :P

ohhh thats a lot probably 😭 counting both vampire ocs that are not vtm and im also NOT counting vtm aus of my scp ocs (yeah sorry hearst, ellie, and dr kelley and lillian get outta here)

i have a vtm chronicle in the works right now so to get that out of the way; i have in total of 6 major kindred (vampire) npcs in manila by night that being — alejandra de silva, louisa grace mallari, david ramos, rudy aquino, samuel fernandez and may fernando :)

for my friends’ chronicles and the ocs i play as i have florante, ùlfr, and vivienne peng so 3 here

for my NON-chronicle ocs, i have milena, ellis harmon, alvis thaltcher, romeo portman (4 here)

for vtmb i have a shameless self insert that being ophelia reverie dhdhsh (1 there)

and for my own original works i have vince levesque from my silly dark fantasy story though she’s kinda classified under “demon” more but ehh he has vampiric traits so it counts. and i also have a vampiresona. adding all that together brings me to like about 16 total vampire ocs with 20 if i count my au ocs😭😭

[all-pacas]

I feel like I do this every week, but can we get a sneak peek at some of your wips?

Mostly working at my spoiler fandom exchange project. The WIP (and not fixed) title is Burnout Legends, so take that as you will.

-

Otherwise, I wrote this thing the other day as part of one of my drabble requests. It didn't work even slightly but I kind of had fun with it and am saving it as the potential start of a different story someday:

For the first month of Chase’s fellowship, they don’t have a single case. House is never in before ten, so Chase makes sure to be in by nine-thirty. Spends his days reading journals and daydreaming. Four hours in the clinic a week. Twice, he’s pulled into NICU to cover an absence.

House leaves promptly at five. Chase heads home at ten after.

-

Hernandez is the only other one in Diagnostics. Him and Jacobs, although she’d quit two days after Chase was fired, which at the time almost felt personal. Hernandez is in his late thirties, touchy, and Chase never learns his first name. He rolls his eyes whenever Chase says something, dismisses his every idea. Chase isn’t sure if he’s supposed to argue or just take it. He watches House for clues but House never says anything one way or another.

Six weeks into Chase’s contract they finally get a patient. Woman, forties, and her potassium keeps crashing. Chase spends sixteen hours and two heart attacks at her bedside while House stomps around asking questions and Hernandez fails to answer. “At least Chase is capable of doing something useful around here!” House snaps around hour twenty eight. By the next day, they have a diagnosis of Bartter Syndrome, and Chase is down a coworker.

-

A week later House hires a guy named Munoz. Just out of a cardiology residency, a real hot-shot who tells Chase in their first conversation he finished med school in three years and his under graduate in two. Their first case he completely shuts down, stammering and panicking under pressure, and he quits after three days.

Jacobs is a gastroenterologist. She’s nice enough: married, has two young kids. She and Chase get lunch a couple of times, and when she lasts the first month he starts to think she might last. Then her oldest gets the flu while they’re in the middle of a case. Chase isn’t sure if House fires her for taking time off or if she’d simply seen the writing on the wall and quit.

Gillespi and Okada and Palmer last about a week each, and Chase barely bothers trying to remember their names. Okada an oncologist House takes on to annoy Wilson; Palmer is quiet and smart but bursts into tears the first time House tells her off. It’s embarrassing and uncomfortable, and when she storms out, she gives Chase a look like it’s his fault for not sticking up for her.

Gillespi was the worst: he’s a rheumatologist, and on his first day House pretended to get excited about how much he and Chase had in common. Turned out, Gillespi had gone to several of the same conferences as Chase’s father, and took pains to let Chase know how much he admired the man. Luckily, he’d only lasted a few days before getting fired for screwing up a basic procedure.

Dr. Wise was next: Chase suspects House decides to keep him based entirely on the jokes to be made of his name. He’s forty, spend years working in free clinics and doing good, but at first House seems taken with the guy: Wise, he loves to remind Chase, has street smarts, meaning that last time House tried to scam them both out of money, Chase had given him forty bucks and Wise hadn’t given in.

Wise lasts almost three months and spends most of that time smiling patronizingly at Chase and telling him that, in his experience, everything Chase just said is wrong. But then his habit of second guessing spread to House itself, and he was out the door.

The last one is a Filipino guy named Aquino. House jokes that he and Chase should get along, since they’re both from the same backwards part of the world (Aquino is from Dallas), but he’s okay: if by now Chase didn’t know better he might have actually bothered to get to know him.

-

For a month after Aquino quits, it’s just Chase. He gets House’s morning routine figured out, befriends a couple of the girls in reception. If he starts a pot of coffee at nine thirty and one of them gives him a head’s up, he can have a fresh cup ready for House when he strolls through the door. The first time Chase pulls this off, House gives him a funny look: the third time House laughs aloud. “Cute,” he says, tossing Chase a file. “But you’re not my type. Go keep our new patient alive, Wilson’s interviewing your new baby brother.”

“How long do I keep Ms. Strickland alive?”

“If this new guy isn’t totally useless, I expect you back here at eleven for the DDX.”

Maran doesn’t make it past his first day.

-

House doesn’t hire anyone else for a while. Chase gets him coffee in the mornings, tries his hand at sudoku, and starts to relax. Then one day he comes into the office to find a girl standing there, awkward in the middle of the room and still in her coat. She’s younger than the last few hires — Chase’s age — and pretty, too pretty, enough that by the time Chase closes the door behind him he’s decided she’s a vanity hire, pretty enough House couldn’t resist, vastly under-qualified, and won’t last the week.

“You new here?” he asks kindly, taking off his jacket. If House doesn’t get offended, maybe Chase’ll ask her for drinks once she quits.

“Yes!” She’s nervous. Smiles awkwardly, covers her exclamation. “I was told to be in by nine…”

“House’ll be in in an hour or so. Maybe.” He doesn’t usually bother anymore, but Chase offers his hand, introduces himself: she really is very pretty.

“It’s so nice to meet you,” she says, too perky — he rethinks his drink plans — “I’m Allison Cameron.”

[selfindulgentcompetition]

HERE ARE OUR COMPETITORS!

Matchups Below

Round 1A: BIDEOS GAME

1: Infernape (Pokémon) VS Togekiss (Pokémon)

2: Hisuian Typlosion (Pokémon) VS Maushold (Pokémon)

3: Corphish (Pokémon) VS Snom (Pokémon)

4: Emma (Pokémon X&Y) VS Yellow (Pokémon Manga)

5: Enderman (Minecraft) VS Blaze the Cat (Sonic)

6: Cait (Fallout 4) VS Shane (Stardew Valley)

7: Mask (Wandersong) VS Dahlia Aquino (Monster Camp)

8: Jethro (OK K.O.! : Lakewood Plaza Turbo) VS Wolfgang (Animal Crossing)

ROUND 1B: TTRPG ACTUAL PLAY

1: Adaine Abernant (Dimension 20) VS Ayda Augefort (Dimension 20)

2: Lucretia (The Adventure Zone) VS Angus McDonald (The Adventure Zone)

3: Dr. Throlo Sh’shirros (Shield of Tomorrow) VS Cassie Charke (Callisto 6)

4: Patia Por’co (EXU: Calamity) VS Lacy LaGrangia-Franklin (Callisto 6)

5: Laudna (Critical Role) VS Yasha Nydoorin (Critical Role)

6: Ashton Greymoore (Critical Role) VS Cassandra de Rolo (Legend of Vox Machina)

7: Sunny Biscotto (Dimension 20) VS Zayn Darkshadow (Dimension 20)

8: Egwene Kindleaf (NADDPod) VS Slap (Callisto 6)

ROUND 1C: ANIMATION

1: Lysil and Angwin (Amphibia) VS Chuck (Amphibia)

2: General Yunan (Amphibia) VS Bessie (Amphibia)

3: Vee Noceda (The Owl House) VS Lilith Clawthorne (The Owl House)

4: Scorpia (She-Ra and the Princesses of Power 2018) VS Entrapta (She-Ra and the Princesses of Power 2018)

5: Peridot (Steven Universe) VS Lake (Infinity Train)

6: Red Action (OK K.O.!) VS Dendy (OK K.O.!)

7: Vitani (The Lion King/Guard) VS Sunset Shimmer (MLP: Equestria Girls)

8: Trixie Lulamoon (MLP:FiM) VS Starlight Glimmer (MLP:FiM)

ROUND 1D: MISCELLANEOUS

1: 13th Doctor (Doctor Who) VS Earth Kingdom Zuko (A:TLA)

2: Ty Lee (A:TLA) VS Bolin (TLoK)

3: Raven (Teen Titans) VS Terra (Teen Titans)

4: Horse (Centaurworld) VS Monster Girl (Invincible)

5: The Calamity Trio (Amphibia) VS Tigress (Kung Fu Panda)

6: Sea Lions (Real Life) VS Smilodon (Real Life, but a long time ago)

7: Maiasaura (Real Life, but like even longer ago) VS TBH Autism Creature (My Heart)

8: Todd (From Mario) (Drawfee) (Mario) VS Rah’ōxah (Drawga)

[sweetkoalastarfish]

Guardians of Freedom: The Stories of Philippines National Heroes

In the Philippines, national heroes are revered figures who have significantly contributed to the country's history, Independence, and cultural development. Here are some prominent national heroes along with thei contributions and courage:

1. Dr. Jose Rizal: Known as the national hero of the Philippines, Dr. Jose Rizal was an opthalmologist, writer, and revolutionary. His novels, "Noli Me Tangere" and "El Filibusterismo", criticized Spanish colonial rule and called for reforms, inspiring the movement for Philippine Independence. His martyrdom in 1896 sparked a nationwide uprising against Spanish colonization.

2. Andres Bonifacio: A key figure in the Philippine Revolution, Andres Bonifacio was the founder of the Katipunan, a revolutionary society that aimed to overthrow Spanish rule. His leadership and bravery in mobilizing the Filipino people to fight for freedom were instrumental in the fight for Independence. He is known for his decisive and courageous actions.

3. Emilio Aguinaldo: Emilio Aguinaldo was a military leader and the first president of the Philippines. He played a crucial role in the Philippine Revolution against Spain and later in the Philippine-American War. Aguinaldo declared Philippine Independence on June 12, 1898, marking country's assertion of sovereignty.

4. Melchora Aquino ( Tandang Sora): Known as the " Mother of the Katipunan", Melchora Aquino provided support to the revolutionaries during the Philippine Revolution. Her courage and commitment to the cause made her a symbol of maternal strength and patriotism.

5. Gabriela Silang: A revolutionary leader and the first female revolutionary leader in Philippines history. Gabriela Silang continued the resistance against Spanish rule after her husband, Diego Silang, was assassinated. Her leadership and bravery made her a notable figure in the fight for Independence.

6. Apolinario Mabini: Known as the " Sublime Paralytic", Apolinario was a key advisor to Emilio Aguinaldo and a revolutionary thinker. Despite his physical limitations, he played a pivotal role in the Philippine Revolution and the early days of the Philippine Republic.

7. Diego Silang: He was a revolutionary leader in Ilocos region during the 18th century. He is best known for leading the Ilocano revolt against the Spanish authorities, known as the Silang Revolt. Diego Silang's revolt was driven by opposition to the oppressive Spanish policies, including high taxes, forced labor, and abuses by local officials.

In 1762, during the British occupation of Manila, Diego Silang saw an opportunity to push for Ilocano Independence. He declared the Independence of Ilocos from Spanish rule and established the "Free Ilocos" advocating for self-governance and autonomy. Silang's bravery and charismatic leadership inspired many Ilocanos to join his cause. Unfortunately, his rebellion was short-lived. He was assassinated in 1763 by a trusted companion, Miguel Vicos, who was bribed by the Spanish. Despite his untimely death, Diego Silang's legacy of resistance and courage continued to inspire other revolutionaries, including his wife, Gabriela Silang, who took up the cause after his assassination.

These heroes, among others, are celebrated for their significant contributions to the country's history, their courage in the face of adversity, and their enduring legacy in the fight for Philippine Independence and national Identity. Each hero's life and story reflect the broader struggle for freedom, justice and national pride.

Thank you for reading. Until next time, salamat and see you soon!

[milkboydotnet]

After the collapse of the Marcos regime in 1986, the Philippine military’s rediscovery of more conventional pacification methods coincided with codification of a special warfare doctrine by its main ally. In July 1986 the U.S. Army’s Command and General Staff College published its Field Circular: Low Intensity Conflict with a detailed explanation of the new tactics that the Philippine military embraced with apparent enthusiasm. While conventional military science applies maximum firepower against an enemy, LIC “is often characterized by constraints on the weaponry… and the level of violence” since counterinsurgency is above all “the art and science of developing. . . political, economic, psychological and military powers of a government." At the core of the formal LIC doctrine was a combination of social reform and unconventional military procedures, fusing appropriate force with “psychological operations.” Without “unduly disrupting the cultural system,’ the host government should “broaden the bases of political power through education and health programs.” Beyond such psywar and civic action, the Field Circular also advocated “eliminating or neutralizing the insurgent leadership” — words that repressive third world militaries could readily construe as a recommendation for selective assassination. Only months after the doctrine’s release, President Reagan reportedly signed a “finding” that authorized a two-year, $10 million CIA counterinsurgency effort in the Philippines. Reflecting the administration’s reliance on privatized covert operations, the Philippines, like El Salvador and Nicaragua, suddenly experienced a proliferation of Christian anticommunist propaganda and paramilitary death squads. Throughout 1987, Filipino anticommunist activists received a remarkable array of foreign visitors: Gen. John Singlaub (ret.), a former CIA officer who now headed the U.S. chapter of the World Anti-Communist League (WACL); Dr. John Whitehall, a representative of the Christian Anti-Communist Crusade; and agents of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s anticommunist CAUSA. During his visit to Manila, General Singlaub, earlier identified with death squad activity in South Vietnam and Central America, met CIA station chief Norbert Garrett, AFP chief of staff Fidel Ramos, and Gen. Luis Villareal, head of both the National Intelligence Coordinating Agency and WACL’s Philippine chapter. Their recommendations found a receptive audience in Aquino’s government, particularly from Interior Secretary Jaime Ferrer, who had used CIA funds to organize election monitors in the 1950s and was now promoting armed vigilantes. The Reagan administration also showed strong “animosity toward the liberal approach” to land reform, allying with conservatives in the Aquino cabinet to block any serious land redistribution. In this same volatile period, Col. James N. Rowe, commander of the green beret training program at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, arrived in Manila to head the army detachment within the Joint U.S. Military Advisory Group. As a veteran of U.S. Army Special Forces operations in Vietnam, where he was famed for escaping after five years in a Vietcong prison camp, Rowe was uniquely qualified to revitalize the country’s counterinsurgency after a decade of decline under Marcos. Indeed, the posting of this top special warfare expert—who was intense, disciplined, and militantly anticommunist—was a strong sign of Washington’s renewed interest in the Philippines. During his year in Manila in 1988 -89, Rowe, according to the Manila Times, “worked closely with the CIA and was involved in a program to penetrate the NPA and the Communist Party of the Philippines which were both undergoing massive ideological upheavals that resulted in bloody purges.’ A Filipino security specialist described him as “clandestinely involved in the organization of anti-communist death squads like Alsa Masa and vigilante groups patterned after “Operation Phoenix’ in Vietnam which had the objective of eliminating legal and semi-legal mass activists.”

Alfred W. McCoy, Policing America's Empire: The United States, the Philippines, and the Rise of the Surveillance State

[bdsrsated]

Mela Lee is an American voice actress She is best known as the voice of Jade in Mortal Kombat 11. Lizzie Aguinaldo (Pop Star Philippines) Singer Renato Clarete Tranquilino (The Author) is a Filipino-AustralianIT Professional who has an interest in sci-fi fantasy films and writing stories Darth Vader Vs BDMS Dr. Michele Alignay (registered psychologist, speaker, and an award-winning author) Tomia (Korea Cosplayer) GN Santiago (Comic Creator, Publisher at PartyZone) Bambi Eloriaga-Amago (Writer) and Sir Roland Amago (Illustrator) Best Known Doobiedoo Asks Kevin Eric Raymundo Best Known Tarantadong Kalbo Angelika Dela Peña (Artist) Sentinels From Marvel Created By Sir Mic Mac Toys (Toy Maker) Ivyree Rosario of Little Things PH (Artist and Book Author) Josue Mapagdalita (Best Known Mula sa Kilometer Zero) Book Author Andre Paras (Pro Basketball Player and Actor) JB Tapia (Best Known Trese Present: Verdugo) Comic Artist and Writer Michael Andres Subido (Sintra Board white Using To Make Toys and Mic Mac Toys Expert) Joe Maquirang (Famous Cosplayer) Baninay Bautista [Pinoy Big Brother Lucky 7] Bont Bryan Oropel (Youtuber and Vlogger) Master Hokage Princess Malonzo (Voice Actress From Ella Arcangel, Community Manager and Publishing Editor MariaSong Cosplayer Mervin Malonzo (The Author of Tabi Po: Isyu 1) ★ National Book Awardee for Graphic Literature (Filipino) ★ DJ S.J. Wolf (The Author of Under the City Lights) Kylie V Milanes (The Author of Echo) Publisher HS Grafik Print Bola.Tv Free Tshirt Thank you po Marlou Aquino (Pro Basketball Player From PBA and MPBL) Diane Sabandeja (Internet personality) Sir Wick, Sir Tim and Sir Clin (Talent People) Chris Timola (Airbrush Artist) D. Borja (The popular Filipino web comics Best Known HungHang Flashbacks) Jio Jalalon Pro Basketball Player From MAGNOLIA CHICKEN TIMPLADOS HOTSHOTS Frany (Comic Artist From Mask of Haliya Issue 3, Marvel and Dc Comics) Tamagotchi Collection Al Francis Tamsi Former FEU Basketball Champ 2015 Gizmo From Superbook Autograph Sign with Drawing By Sir Kajo Baldisimo The Creator Trese Netflix Tobera Member Tsubasa, Taka, Eto, Neon, Daiki, Arata

[darkangel1791]

Random Thoughts on The Falcon and The Winter Soldier:

I am aware that every line in every scene is there for dramatic and/or comedic purposes. So there's no need to point that out. It isn't that I didn't get the point or the joke. This is also nothing against Amy Aquino, who plays Dr. Raynor. This is just an opinion piece based on the reality that the show wants us to accept.

Trigger warnings for mental health and mental health treatment, and power dynamics.

From an actual standpoint of mental health and therapy, in 2024, Dr. Raynor is a terrible therapist.

So many reasons! Let's start with when she said to Bucky "The government wants to make sure you aren't gonna (mimes stabbing people)". A therapist, of all people, would always use their words! Always! Bucky communicates verbally, so the therapist must also. If she was afraid to say it to Bucky then she shouldn't have brought it up. Also, if she hasn't caught on yet that Bucky's major problem is that he was a killer and that haunts him, Bucky should have a different therapist. So she shouldn't have approached such a sensitive topic in such a flippant way. That would just make him shut down.

I think this plan about making a list and making amends with the 3 rules was something she put in place as part of his treatment plan. Doesn't seem like the sort of thing Bucky would come up with on his own, and I doubt that the government would condone him making contact with former Hydra members or families of his victims unless it was part of a sanctioned treatment plan, at least. That shows that as a therapist, she is results driven. If a results driven therapist asks if you're having nightmares, they will next want to know what you are doing to alleviate the problem. So Bucky most likely says no because he knows she doesn't actually care about the nightmares. They have probably already had that conversation once. When Sam asks the same question, Bucky says "All the time," without hesitation. Also, if she was any kind of a therapist, she would have asked enough questions to know that Bucky isn't having nightmares, he is having flashbacks, which is a different mental process.

"Give me your phone." No, absolutely not! That tramples on so many privacy boundaries, it is unreal! It is also a misuse of power, and the power dynamic, because what if he says no? She has the power to tell the government that he is a dangerous psychopath and get him locked away forever.

But, after invading his privacy in this way, she uses the information she gets to criticize and mock him? No. That is doubling down on the abuse of the power dynamic.

"What do you want now?"

"Peace."

"THAT IS UTTER BULLSHIT!"

Ummmmm, no. If a client is lying to the therapist, or to themselves, you deal with it in a completely different way. Yelling is never okay. Telling a person with mental health problems that you don't believe what they are saying, calling them a liar, is not treatment. She gives no context for why she thinks that is a lie, or why she thinks Bucky would lie to her. Or why she thinks that he would lie about that subject.

Finally, the notebook thing is absolutely passive aggressive. "You don't talk, I write." That is psychological manipulation. I can only imagine that whatever she writes is used in the weekly report she sends to the government. What if she writes that he is being uncooperative? The parole is revoked, he gets locked up. So she is putting him in a situation where he is forced to say something. But not about his true problems, nor will it be truthful information. We see that he lies to her when describing what he did to cross the most recent name off of the list. Which, of course he does! Along with that, step 3, being forced to identify yourself as the Winter Soldier and by name as who you are now, is incredibly dangerous and puts him in a very vulnerable position. That entire thing is completely out of whack with good, safe, mental health treatment.

I'm sure I have left things out, but this is long enough already. I'll do another post on the second session that we see.

Again ymmv, your mileage may vary. Meaning that these opinions are mine alone. They do not invalidate yours, or anyone else's who has written or spoken on the subject. No offense is meant. Your view of the subject is valid and I am not trying to negate that view by expressing my own.

In closing, when you first enter the office of a therapist, take pictures of, or write down, the information on the credentials they have displayed. If there are no credentials displayed, ask why and what their credentials are. If your therapist ever makes you feel threatened or ridiculed, don't go back! Ever! And report them to whatever organization their displayed licenses are from.

Dr. Raynor was a terrible therapist pt. 2

[mentaldiary-ah]

Women fighters, in fiction and in reality, have always fascinated me.

I grew up never getting tired of The Mummy Returns (2001) and its action-packed adventures. It features one of my most favorite cinematic moments: the fight scene between Nefertiri and Anck-su-namun, both tasked to be protectors in the kingdom of Egypt some 3,000 years ago. One may think they must be ahead of their time for training women for battle and assigning such tasks to them.

Fight scene from The Mummy Returns (2001)

There are many other scenes in the said film showing both women as their 1930s reincarnation, Evy (Nefertiri) and Meela (Anck-su-namun), fighting with and among men. Not once did Rick, Evy's husband, handed over guns to her to help them battle the enemies and save their son. Their kind of relationship was yet another reason why I have always loved that film.

Seeing The Mummy Returns again for the nth time, I figured these female characters have played a significant part in my upbringing. They showed me women can fight, too, when it was most needed. They didn't have to be the stereotypical damsels in distress waiting to be rescued because they can save themselves while saving others, as well. In retrospect, at such a young age I knew I wanted to be like them. I wasn't very much into the princess thingy, except for the Xena the Warrior Princess kind. In fact, I once dreamed of becoming like the Power Rangers with all their skills and stunts.

Through the years, I have been learning more about Filipinas who left their mark in our history. In an era of a patriarchal society where women were reinforced to be homemakers & deemed as the lesser sex, there were several of them who strayed against the conventions and took part in the never-ending fight for freedom.

Illustrations of Gabriela Silang (by Carlito Rovira) (top) and the first female general Agueda Kahabagan (from SCOUT Magazine) (bottom) during the Philippine Revolution

One of them was notorious for polishing her nails and putting on red lipstick before going to battle, because she believed she also fought for the freedom to be herself as a woman. Another one used to be a movie superstar until the war. She joined the guerrilla movement to avenge for her husband's murder, and in the process she saved an entire village from being killed by the colonizers.

The women of HUKBALAHAP (Hukbong Bayan Laban sa Hapon), clockwise from left:

Remedios Gomez-Paraiso AKA Kumander Liwayway and her red lipstick (art from Rejected Princesses); Carmen Rosales, movie star-turned guerilla fighter (from Flickr); Felipa Culala AKA Kumander Dayang-Dayang (art by Dos Garcia); and Simeona Punsalan-Tapang AKA Kumander Guerrero (art by @RoriComics on Twitter)

But the courage of Filipina women in history has been witnessed not only at home and in the battlefield. There were women who stood up for their right to receive formal education and their right to vote.

Top photo: a painting of The Women of Malolos (art by Rafael del Casal); bottom photo: U.S. First Lady Florence Harding w/ Filipina suffragette delegation, 1922 (From US-Philippines Society)

There were women who saved people's lives by caring for the injured and the sick and feeding the hungry.

Clockwise from left: Melchora Aquino AKA Tandang Sora (from Wikipedia); Josefa Llanes-Escoda (from Bayaning Filipino on Blogger); Maria Orosa (from Orosa Family); and Dr. Fe del Mundo (from National Academy of Science and Technology)

There were women who continue to fight for justice and for their right to be heard, not just as victims but survivors of a violent, tragic past.

Top photo: the Malaya Lolas of Candaba, Pampanga; bottom photo: the lolas of Lila Pilipina. Both are groups of “comfort women,” survivors of military sexual violence during the Japanese Occupation. (From Facebook)

There were women who prove themselves worthy to be recognized by the world for their talents, abilities, and dedication in their respective fields.

Hidilyn Diaz, the first Filipino Olympic gold medalist; and Maria Ressa, the first Filipino Nobel Laureate (From Esquire Philippines)

There were women leaders who empowered their countrymen towards a better quality of life.

Campaign images of Senator Risa Hontiveros and former Senator Leila de Lima for the 2022 National Elections (From Facebook)

Atty. Leni Robredo, former Vice President of the Philippines (From Esquire Philippines)

And before I forget, I was raised and surrounded by strong women who all the while face their own share of battles in life.

We as women are fighters, and we should never let anyone tell us otherwise.

Meanwhile, I believe I have arrived at a full circle. I may haven't reached my dream of becoming a Power Ranger but who would have thought that as an adult, I would portray a woman fighter myself?

Happy Women's Month!

[wendellcapili]

Vibal Foundation and The Office of the Dean, UP College of Arts and Letters (CAL) will launch 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐓𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐭𝐡-𝐂𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐲 𝐏𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐓𝐞𝐧 𝐍𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐬: 𝐋𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐬 𝐇𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 (𝟏𝟗𝟏𝟑–𝟏𝟗𝟕𝟓) by Soledad Reyes on Wednesday, 23 October 2024, 3:00-5:00 p.m., at Palma Hall, Pavilion 1, Room 1131 (Roces corner Quirino Streets), UP Diliman. The novels presented in this book are not just mere reenactments of critical historical moments but magnificent works that show the storytelling brilliance and personal interpretations of the novelists about certain vital events in the country’s history. De La Salle University Professor of Literature David Jonathan Bayot wrote the foreword to 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐓𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐭𝐡-𝐂𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐲 𝐏𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐓𝐞𝐧 𝐍𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐬: 𝐋𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐬 𝐇𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 (𝟏𝟗𝟏𝟑-𝟏𝟗𝟕𝟓).

The launch marks the return of Ateneo de Manila University Professor Emerita Reyes to UP Diliman, where she earned her Ph.D (Philippine Studies). During the launch, she will formally donate books from her collection on literary history, literary criticism, popular culture, and Philippine Literature to her alma mater. CAL Dean Jimmuel Naval will receive the books. After which, short presentations on the works and legacy of Dr. Reyes will be presented by Palanca-winning poet Louie Jon Sánchez and 2023 UMPIL Gawad Pambansang Alagad ni Balagtas recipient D.M. Reyes. Sanchez teaches Media Arts and Studies at the UP College of Mass Communication, while Reyes teaches Literature at CAL’s Departamento ng Filipino at Panitikan ng Pilipinas and Department of English and Comparative Literature.

Dr. Reyes also received degrees from Maryknoll College (BA), Ateneo de Manila Unversity (MA), and the University of Essex (MA). She was Chair of two Ateneo Departments: Kagawaran ng Filipino sa Pamantasang Ateneo de Manila (1988-1995) and the Ateneo Department of Interdisciplinary Studies (2003-2004). She also co-founded (with Dr. Edna Zapanta-Manlapaz) the Ateneo Library of Women's Writings (ALiWW) in 1994.

Her research areas include Philippine literary history, criticism, Tagalog novels, popular culture, especially komiks and films, and women’s writing. She has published comprehensive studies on Macario Pineda, Lina Flor, and Rosario de Guzman Lingat. She also edited collections of essays on Balagtas, Rizal, Philippine popular culture, studies on women, the post-war political landscape dominated by the Aquinos, and famous actors turned politicians. She organized lecture series and books on Fr. Horacio de la Costa, Fr. Raul Bonoan, Fr. Roque Ferriols, and other Jesuit intellectuals.

She was a Visiting Professor of Philippine Literature and popular culture at Beijing University and Xiamen University. She received many awards for her groundbreaking research, including a Philippine National Book Award from the Manila Critics Circle for Nobelang Tagalog 1905-1975: Tradisyon at Modernismo. She translated 15 volumes: 11 novels, three short stories, and Fr. Roque Ferriols S.J.'s memoir. She also mentored numerous creative writers, critics, scholars, and teachers.

For information on how to get a copy of this book, you may call +63285807400 or email customercare@vibalgroup.com —For queries regarding the book launch, send an email to artsandletters.diliman@gmail.com 🌻

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