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The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1973)

If you’re interested in exploring the Hammer Dracula series, please, PLEASE begin with 1958's Dracula. I chose the easily available The Satanic Rites of Dracula (it’s in the public domain) instead. After this dreadful, boring, and near-incomprehensible mess, I've pre-emptively given up on the franchise. It hardly feels like a Dracula movie; more like the Count was tacked onto a shoddy spy thriller about satanic cults.

When England's Secret Service learns several prominent members of society are involved in a satanic cult, Colonel Mathews (Richard Vernon) and Inspector Murray (Michael Coles) don't know who they can trust anymore. Occult expert Professor Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) is brought to help. As he investigates, Van Helsing discovers the Satanists are led by the legendary Dracula (Christopher Lee) himself!

Even if I had obtained a decent print of the film with better sound, or subtitles, I would've been bored out of my skull while watching. On paper, it sounds interesting. Naked women sacrificed, murderous cultists, secret agents, people being turned into vampires, Dracula, plots to destroy the world... but I can hardly recall any of it because I was trying to keep myself awake by thinking of anything other than what was happening on-screen. The plot makes no sense. At one point, Dracula murders one of his followers to prevent Van Helsing from interrogating him. Why not murder Van Helsing? They were in the same room! Bigger, more important plot points make just as little sense. We’re given a tentative explanation for why Dracula is doing what he's doing but I don’t buy it. The whole thing's too contrived. And it must be Van Helsing’s lucky day because at the end of this movie he just happens to bump into the most convenient object ever. I won’t say what it is, but it’d be like if you were running away from a Werewolf and the monster just happened to chase you into a “Silver Bullet and Wolfbane” Factory.

I'll credit this movie credit for one scene during the incredibly forced climax. The visuals are cool. I can't tell you why but let's say it’s a creative reference to religious imagery. It earns the film a half star more than it deserves.

The Satanic Rites of Dracula is bad. Not even in a way that’s worth mentioning. Mostly, it’s dull. If I took the time to inspect the film thoroughly I could probably find more insightful flaws but there's no need. Anyone watching would be unlikely to notice; they'll be much more concerned trying to stay awake or to figure out who thought it was a good idea to mix a spy thriller and a vampire movie. I doubt being familiar with and loving the previous installments could make this chapter good. Even if you have the opportunity to see it for free, don't. (On DVD, April 9, 2015)