#Dog Co remains a hoot and a half to write

[basilone]

Would you ever... write the Form and Void 'verse for Darlene? Juno xx

Short answer: yes, I would. Longer-than-short answer: your ask sent me to actually write it. Because apparently this was begging to get out at some point, hence this reply being a lil late. 💚 (Can't thank you enough for letting me revisit this 'verse!) Y'all only need to know one thing about this to be able to read it: this is set in my AU in which some soldiers are chosen by specific gods and sometimes take pills to suppress their god's massive influence on the world. And if you're looking for more on Darlene, this very E-rated fic is probably the best intro you're gonna get.

thin ice

“The Black Swan says this is shit for morale.”

“Ain’t never heard Sobel say shit,” corrects McNally, glowering at Mann out of the corner of his eye. “You’re making that up as you go.”

“He was out there, wasn’t he, pontificating,” gestures Mann, hands fluttering over his pint so callously he almost knocks it over. “Telling Speirs here about some sorta club for officers, right, and casting one of his most swan-ish glowers at the rest of us?”

Ron Speirs heaves a sigh as the attention at the table turns to him. “Apparently officers should not mingle with the common soldier too much,” he says, voice almost airquoting the common soldier. “There was indeed a question of morale.”

“Hope you told him where he could shove it, sir.”

“I told him to worry a little more about Easy’s supply of suppressants”– which is a rightful concern, given its many god-chosen –“and a little less about what dogs of war do in their free time.”

“Bet he loved that, sir.”

“The LT dry-swallowed a suppressant for emphasis,” snorts Charlie Hammond. Even from beside him, it’s difficult to ignore his broad grin. “You should’ve seen Sobel’s fucking face, McNally. Like somebody just canceled spaghetti hour.”

“Don’t you fookin’ remind me of the spaghetti,” groans McNally, looking increasingly queasy at the mere thought of it. “Did he ever get written up for costing the Airborne suppressants, what with half of Easy puking their guts out after that?”

Ron shrugs. “Sink wasn’t pleased. They shoved Talbert into quarantine real fast.” He nods at a table in the far end corner of the room, where sergeant Talbert is trying his hardest to live up to his Love-chosen status. “And they had a real bad time getting the Trickster-chosen back under, apparently.”

“They don’t like to be under, do they?”

“Mann,” says Ron, eyeballing the too-quick way the reedy man downs his drink, “you will be under in the next hour if you keep pretending that’s water in your glass.” He shakes his head a little as Mann offers him a quick salute in reply. “I don’t think any of us like to be on the suppressants, no.” He certainly does not, but the alternative in his case might be a little too much for the Airborne to bear. “At least they’re skipping the cost of them on some soldiers with more, ah, tolerable gods than mine.”

“Tolerable like that, sir?” asks McNally, nodding at something taking place behind Ron that’s inviting a fair few shouts over the din.

“Travers is experiencing a new way of becoming airborne,” snorts Charlie beside him, craning his neck and practically leaning on Ron’s shoulder to be able to see better. “Fox Co is looking harrassed as all get-out, sir, it’s brilliant”– and of course Charlie would think so, given how often Fox has messed up orders in recent weeks –“look at him go!”

Fox Company’s Travers, really only memorable because his one eyebrow soaks up almost every scrap of space on his forehead, has indeed become airborne in a rather undignified manner. The rest of his men – whoever thought it was a good idea to give Travers men to lord his sergeantship over needs to be stripped of all company rights, in Ron’s opinion – seem to be arguing rather incessantly among themselves about the best way to drag their sergeant back down. Nobody seems to want to try taking on the very blonde, very unimpressed-looking woman who is currently glaring up at Travers as though he owes her either money or an apology.

Ron turns back to his drink. “Only a fool’s gonna mess with that.”

“I wouldn’t mind messin’ with that, sir,” grins McNally, eyes shining. “Heard that them air-chosen are a ride to bed.”

“Aren’t air-chosen a rarity, huh?” Mann’s shoving McNally’s beer toward Charlie like the lack of it is going to fix McNally’s death wish any. His finger wags in front of McNally’s face in clear warning. “You can’t keep up with that, brother.”

“She’s in a pilot’s jacket,” hums Charlie as he, too, turns back to the table. “Air-chosen ain’t so rare. Seen plenty of them with the bomber crews.”

“Since when have you seen those?”

“Relax, sir, I was on leave when I saw them. They’re big game. Lots of chatter with them, like with Easy too. Hard to tune that sorta thing out.”

Ron chances a glance sideways. There are moments, going as far back as the earliest days of training, when he’s convinced Charlie isn’t god-chosen only because he’s too stubborn to say yes to whichever god is offering. He’s heard Wisdom-chosen like Winters and Nixon refer to chatter, sure enough, and back home there was a Trickster-chosen who referred to their many impressions as such too. He can’t shake the thought that Charlie – dark-eyed, good-humored, secretive Charlie – might know a thing or two about it. Might be chosen by something, except Ron can’t identify which god has its eyes set on the kid.

There are days when it bothers him. He can identify most chosen, even though many of them are on suppressants like him. There’s something in their eyes, something in their countenance, that always trips up the game and reveals the cards. He’s seen it in Charlie, too, though it is usually so tied to tactics that it’s easy to chalk it up to the kid’s intelligence and nothing else.

“Well, would ya look at that,” sniggers McNally, then, and Ron looks up from his drink to see the man’s wide grin broaden even further. “She just rocketed that Travers fuck to the ceiling and back down again without so much as a gesture. I gotta get me one of those.”

“You’re not,” says Ron archly, glancing back at the air-chosen woman just to witness Travers flattened like a pancake, “stealing a pilot.” Not even one with that much sway to her, he almost says, seeing how she’s surrounded by a ragtag protective crowd immediately upon releasing a crumpled heap of Travers. “You’re welcome to pray to Air when we jump next, though, McNally, maybe that’ll…”

He pauses mid-speech. Doesn’t mean to. Doesn’t think he can form the rest of the sentence if he tried.

There’s a new woman at the heart of that pilot-filled crowd. A riot waiting to happen. He sees it spooling at her fingertips – the flicker of flames, dancing between long and slender fingers. Watches it spark at the ends of her red mane of hair until it looks like fire’s dancing between her curly locks. Observes it brightening her face, all grand smile and the flicker of amusement curling in her eyes, until he’s no longer sure why nobody’s answering that infectious grin of hers.

Fox Company bends away from her when the light catches her.

“– seen the like of this before!”

“What?” snaps Ron, louder than he means to.

“I said,” laughs Charlie, “I thought fire-chosen were all pent-up brews like Easy’s Joe Toye. Don’t think I’ve seen the like of this before. Have you, sir?”

Ron can only shake his head as he sees the air-chosen grasp the red-headed woman’s hand without even flinching at the fire. It earns the air-chosen a kiss to the cheek, so close to her mouth that it’s got some of the crowd around them hooting in warning, and one of the most dazzling smiles Ron’s ever seen.

“I heard they burn through their suppressants, yeah? Look at that,” muses Mann, “she’s practically glowing with power.”

“It’s not power,” says Ron, because he knows real power drapes itself around the body like a shroud. “It’s life itself. You can’t mimic that. Not even a Trickster could.” He’s seen them try, sometimes. Seen them fail, always. “That’s unique to them. To her.”

To this woman, fire-chosen in a way that sucks all air out of his lungs and leaves him feeling like he’s adrift in the desert. To her, casting a light of her own that almost dwarfs the lamplight in the whole pub. To this one, kissed by fire, so beloved by it that she could never belong to any other.

“I thought we weren’t stealin’ women, sir.”

Ron tears himself away from looking at her long enough to cast a rather unimpressed glare at McNally. “We’re not,” he repeats, even though there’s a heat unfurling in his belly that he fears might only answer to her now. “We are going to take whatever war gives us”– oh, how War will laugh at him once he’s off these damn suppressants and able to think clearly again –“and you are not going to give the Air Force reason to lodge a formal complaint against our conduct.”

“I won’t if you won’t.” McNally barely acknowledges Ron’s raised eyebrow. “Sir.”

“That one’s not Air Force, though,” comments Charlie.

“Kid”– heaves Mann, looking queasier by the minute –“you ain’t helping the LT get lucid.”

“Fresh air for him, bedtime for you,” decides Ron swiftly, nodding at Mann and Charlie, “and the next one to talk about stealing women is getting a liaison position with Easy.”

“Not with the Black Swan and his fookin’ spaghetti, sir…”

Ron feels rather light-headed as he chances a feral grin at McNally. Feels an answering flame flicker to life inside of him when a rather throaty, spitfire-in-the-belly laugh in the crowd behind him earns a crowd’s cry of “give it a rest, Darlene!” even as he pulls Charlie to his feet.

Darlene. He knows that’s her. Thinks he’d know her blind now that he’s seen her.

“How’s that liaison position lookin’, LT?”

“McNally. Thin ice.”

“Thin fookin’ ice, sir,” agrees his sergeant, clapping Ron’s shoulder and leading the way out of the pub. “Very thin indeed, with the likes of her around.”

Ron can’t very well argue with that.

[adelindschade]

A Little Rivalry

Dedicated to @lynyrdwrites who proposed I write something like this. 

Elijah and Caroline are at each other’s throats because someone is insecure about the fact both of them slept with Katherine at some point - and the question remains - who’s the better lover> 

Caroline was a firm believer she could not be friends with her exes.

It was a rule she mainly derived from her experience with Damon.

Who could be friends with that?  

Forget Stefan! She once considered him a best friend – and then they foolishly crossed that line – ugh! And as per typical Stefan, further endorsing the whole Caroline-is-always-second-best, runs to Elena the first sign she and Damon’s relationship started to disintegrate... again.

Then there’s Tyler who, as much she hoped it would work (because the break-up was mutual), realized she could not salvage a decent kinship after Tyler found himself finagling with that harlot Hayley. Anyone but Hayley! That trifling, back-stabbing, no good bitch!

That rule had two exceptions:

Matt Donovan and Katherine Pierce (or Katerina Petrova, in her native tongue).

Matt was her first – in everything really. Just like Stefan, Caroline was merely an Elena-substitute, so to say they parted on good terms was far from the truth. However, when Matt removed himself from the never-ending drama that held Mystic Falls captive, he and Caroline reconnected in a non-romantic way when she, too, followed his footsteps – and far, far away from her hellish hometown. Maybe Caroline had a tendency to be too forgiving but she was happy to give him the benefit of the doubt. Mainly, she was a lonely, and he was a familiar face. And she was kind of drunk. But it was a meeting by chance and surprisingly, she didn’t regret it. The reunion was unexpected but blossomed into a fond friendship – made possible by the fact they weren’t constantly dealing with their friends’ endless drama.

Katherine made her wonder if girls were just less trouble than boys. By no means was Katherine the easiest partner but after they came to terms they weren’t end-game, they still could salvage parts of their relationship that nurtured a strong friendship surviving even to the present! It helped Katherine actually understood her – all the parts of her that Caroline tried so hard to suppress because that’s what everyone else told her to do. Not Katherine though. Katherine liberated her and for that, Caroline was eternally grateful.

As if the game of six degrees couldn’t get any more complication, the two girls got themselves entangled in a game of dating brothers. Err, flirting, really! (Eventually it got there!) Caroline had sworn off boys as part of her New Years’ Resolution. Katherine loved a game of chase but nothing more. Her age was finally getting to her, she joked, but they both knew she was still reeling from the whole Silas debacle.

 Then the inevitable happened. Klaus won over Caroline after five years of endless wooing. Elijah succumbed to Katherine’s charm (and begged on his knees for her forgiveness after a dalliance with – you guessed it – Hayley!)

The latter did not win him any points with Caroline who already was not amused with his Stefan-like-Savior complex. What Katherine found appealing about the stuffy-suited-old-croak was beyond Caroline’s comprehension.

Then again, Katherine wasn’t too fond of Klaus either, mostly because they were too competitive for their own good…

Yet, they all co-existed with some civility. Abet, aided by their mutual man, Kol, who happened to be dating Caroline’s best friends Bonnie-and-Enzo (because the three were very attached to each other that polygamy was the only viable option) long before the girls agree to commit to his older brothers.

Hell, even Rebekah got her happy ending by dating Matt – much to Caroline’s chagrin – but it got the bitchy blonde off Caroline’s back, and slightly irked Klaus but not to the point he was willing to sabotage his sister’s relationship at Matt’s expense because doing so meant offending Caroline – which he wanted to avoid at all costs.

 When Elijah learned that Caroline and Katherine were once involved, he about lost his mind. He didn’t let it show but his snarky comments escalated to the point they could not be ignored. Caroline was more than happy to let bygones-be-bygones but she would not, ever, be disrespected by some ivy-league-douche who thought he was better than everyone else because of some self-appointed pedestal over petty jealousy and fragile masculinity.

How do you knock down a man without coming to physical blows? (Which she could do – totally within the realm of possibility because she may be average-height but she ain’t weak. Her mom didn’t raise a damsel-in-distress.) You hit him where it hurts – his ego – and according to Katherine, he could be a little bit of a freak, and prided himself on his sexual prowess.

And his control – which Caroline was going to break.

That’s where Caroline started to up the ante.

 “Do you even know how to play that?” Elijah pitched skeptically from across the lounge.

Caroline was poking keys on the piano, reminiscing on old show tunes while Klaus tried to convince her to enjoy something more classical – like Bach. Bach was boring. Phantom of the Opera was not.

“Yes,” Caroline replied haughtily. It was a half-truth. She knew the keys but to extent that prick did? Not really. She didn’t do instruments. She liked accompaniments. Where they fed her cues and she could continue serenading without losing pitch. She learned from her high school’s theater club, not some top-not-over-priced ivy league school.

“Oh, well, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d love to hear some Chopin,” Elijah smirked.

Tickle her irked. Caroline was not one to take bait but today was not that day.

She started with a scale, ending on a high pitch. Elijah quirked a brow, unimpressed.

“Hey, Kat,” Caroline smirked, “remember when I made you scream this note in Cabo?”

She got a variety of reactions.

Kol and Bonnie gaped, the latter more mortified than the former who was positively beaming. Enzo clapped a hand over his chest, letting out a booming laugh.

Rebekah nearly snorted, covering her nose. Matt paled, averting his eyes from the sharp tension that budded instantaneously.

Klaus had uncharacteristic bug eyes, not expecting that.

Katherine whooped, utterly amused. Elijah was not – and that was the exact reaction Caroline had expected – and it felt so vindicating.

Then little Henrik, bless his soul, asks, “oh – did her scare her really badly?”

Oh, the innocence.

His interruption prompted a whole new reaction, with all the adults erupted in roaring laughter. Kol had to leave the room heaving. Elijah stomped away like a wounded dog. Rebekah may have swiped a tear from her eye. Klaus shook his head but his grin convinced Caroline he may not have been as disapproving as he was trying to project.

 The second time Caroline one-upped the douche was a bit extreme but she was irritated being stuck in the SUV with Elijah controlling the entire three-hour ride home from the rural estate. Klaus tried to apologize for Elijah’s mood but Caroline’s was ruined because he refused her help. He was not a native of Georgia – she was! No good deed unpunished, huh?

His fragile masculinity needed to go – now.

“I do not need your assistance,” Elijah huffed. “I can navigate just fine without your input, Ms. Forbes.”

“I’ll believe you when you show me you can actually drive without having to do U-turns,” Caroline seethed.

It just so happened Kol and Rebekah were on the speaker phone, as Elijah was trying to coordinate with them. Bonnie knew the way and Kol gladly took her advice – which is why they were forty-five minutes ahead of them.

“I’ve been all over the world, I know how to drive – on both sides of the road, thank you very much,” Elijah retorted.

Klaus was pleading with her with his eyes. An hour ago, it was ‘just deal’ but now, after forty-plus-unnecessary minutes stuck with his arch-nemesis Kat, he was all for her to go for the kill-shot.

She was more than happy to oblige.

“Oh please,” she snarled, “as you could get there any faster. I guarantee you, we’d be ahead of the three-stooges if it was me.”

“Should we hang up?” Bonnie pitched uneasily.

“No, just wait,” Kol urged.

“Someone is going to say something,” Rebekah added, amused.

“It’s going to be nuclear,” Kol assured.

They were muted by Elijah-and-Caroline’s tense exchange.  

“And to what record can you provide to back such a claim?” Elijah puffed.

“According to our histories,” Caroline hummed, “let’s see. We have the Paris flat, New Richmond, New Orleans, all of which you claim to be an expert on, yet I still beat you to it… oh, wait, forgot one, Katherine’s g-spot.”

The silence was deafening for a good minute.

Klaus was speechless. She did promise she’d deliver the kill shot. Katherine covered her mouth with a hand but her eyes desperately wanted to explode laughing.

Elijah… words could not do his expression justice. Cold rage combined with mortification.

The other line exploded. It was a roaring sound, mainly composing of Kol’s hooting and Rebekah’s screech. Caroline was pretty sure Bonnie was the one who disconnected the line before Enzo could regain his breath to join in the commotion.

The rest of the drive was eerily silent. Klaus kept casting her looks – equal combinations of amused and shock.

When Caroline rejoined the rest of the family at the mansion, she was certified Goddess in Kol’s eyes. Rebekah actually gave her props.

Elijah… well, it was game now.

[meme-helga-blog]

101 Ways to Successfully be Annoying

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sensual massage.'

3. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go.'

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of 'Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip...'

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a 'robot' voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will 'swipe your grub.'

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog 'Dog.'

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions 'to keep them tuned up.'

16. Reply to everything someone says with 'that's what YOU think.'

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your 'astronaut training.'

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for 'violating your airspace.'

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a 'real hoot.'

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and 'cc:' them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a 'spider person.'

26. Finish all your sentences with the words 'in accordance with prophecy.'

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and 'accidentally' flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you 'like it that way.'

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a 'croaking' noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of 'Sweating to the Oldies' over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with 'ooh la la!'

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write 'X - BURIED TREASURE' in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: 'Do you hear that?' 'What?' 'Never mind, it's gone now.'

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as 'Conquistador.'

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing 'Jingle Bells, Batman smells' until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says 'Magnificent One.'

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce 'no, wait, I messed it up,' and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off 'in case the big one comes.'

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as 'Feliz Navidad,' the Archies' 'Sugar' or the Mr.Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to 'John Aaaaasmith' for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each 'a.'

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your 'superior mental processing.'

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant 'swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!' 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your 'imaginary friend.'

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about 'psychological profiles.'

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a 'magic picture.'

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate 'crop circles' in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend 'tricorder,' and 'scan' people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

[dailyjoke4u]

101 Ways To Annoy People (not counting this email)

101 Ways To Annoy People (not counting this email)

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.2. In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sensual massage.’3. Specify that your drive-through order is ‘to go.’4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of ‘Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…’5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.7. Speak only in a ‘robot’ voice.8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will ‘swipe your grub.’10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.12. Sniffle incessantly.13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.14. Name your dog ‘Dog.’15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions ‘to keep them tuned up.’16. Reply to everything someone says with ‘that’s what YOU think.’17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your ‘astronaut training.’18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for ‘violating your airspace.’19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ‘real hoot.’20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.21. Practice making fax and modem noises.22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and ‘cc:’ them to your boss.23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a ‘spider person.’26. Finish all your sentences with the words ‘in accordance with prophesy.’27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.30. Disassemble your pen and ‘accidentally’ flip the ink cartridge across the room.31. Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you ‘like it that way.’34. Drum on every available surface.35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.41. Set alarms for random times.42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a ‘croaking’ noise.45. Honk and wave to strangers.46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.48. Tape pieces of ‘Sweating to the Oldies’ over climactic parts of rental movies.49. Wear your pants backwards.50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.51. Begin all your sentences with ‘ooh la la!’ 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.53. only type in lowercase.54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.59. Write ‘X – BURIED TREASURE’ in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ‘Do you hear that?’ ‘What?’ ‘Never mind, it’s gone now.’62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.65. Demand that everyone address you as ‘Conquistador.’66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.67. When Christmas caroling, sing ‘Jingle Bells, Batman smells’ until physically restrained.68. Wear a cape that says ‘Magnificent One.’69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce ‘no, wait, I messed it up,’ and repeat.73. Drive half a block.74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.75. Ask people what gender they are.76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off ‘in case the big one comes.’79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains, such as ‘Feliz Navidad,’ the Archies’ ‘Sugar’ or the Mr.Rogers theme song.80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.83. Change your name to ‘John Aaaaasmith’ for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each ‘a.’84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.86. Wear a LOT of cologne.87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your ‘superior mental processing.’88. Sing along at the opera.89. Mow your lawn with scissors.90. At a golf tournament, chant ‘swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!’ 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your ‘imaginary friend.’92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about ‘psychological profiles.’94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ‘magic picture.’95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.96. Never make eye contact.97. Never break eye contact.98. Construct elaborate ‘crop circles’ in your front lawn.99. Construct your own pretend ‘tricorder,’ and ‘scan’ people with it, announcing the results.100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.

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