#Didn't feel like making another Mayhem design

[whore-ibly-hot]

Yan!Cage-Fighter x Fem!Reader

'Paying bills ain't easy'

18+ Minors DNI

Warnings: Toxic behavior, traditionally masculine roles, power dynamics, violence, murder, jealousy, subpar spanish, cursing, mentions of sex, description of unsafe neighborhoods.

(AN: I know I said I was working on the part two for the fae fic, and a fashion designer piece, but the idea for this guy hit me like a train. Apologies for any Spanish mistakes, I'm coming along in my learning!)

The sound of raucous cheering rings out throughout the crowd of the 'Dog Pit' Den, Harlem's most prolific underground fighting spot. Fighters from all over the city come here to try and earn a living wage. Backbreaking, degrading work, boxing, kicking, and spitting in the no-rules ring. A crack, a cheer, and the sound of a collapsing body, before the announcer yells that Matias Lopez has taken yet another challenger down. A sweaty, tanned man hops back and forth on his feet, arms raised in the air as he celebrates his victory.

"Ladies and gentleman, Matias 'The Mayhem' has taken down yet another challenger! You know what that means! Make some noise!" The announcer yells, and the room shakes with boos and cheers, the stomping of feet making the ground tremble. "Matias Lopez has won the 500 dollar Rookie Fighters Championship prize!" Another round of yells, and Matias spits on the ground. He makes his way out of the cage, kissing the rosary his mother always makes him wear, even when he's cracking skulls in an illegal cage-fighting circuit. To be fair, she doesn't know. He sighs, tearing his fist-wrappings off and running a hand through his sweaty locks. He changes out of his outfit, switching into a casual gray hoodie, a pair of sweats, and some slides. After reapplying deodorant, he hears someone outside. One of the guys who runs the 'Dog Pit' has come to give him his check.

"Yo, Matias, my man!" He greets, slapping a hand on Matias's toned shoulder. "Me and some of the 'execs' as we've taken to calling ourselves are gonna hit the club', you in?" Mattias, clicks his tongue, and shakes his head. "Nah man, not tonight. I gotta get home n' see my girl. I was supposed to be home earlier." He glances down at the floor. "Shit, alright man, here's your check. I'll see you later." Mattias nods as the man heads out, stuffing the check into his duffle bag, before sliding out the alley exit.

Matias and you have been dating for a little over a year now. Both of you met in a pretty rough part of town, he was working a day-job at a gas station, and you were a cafe worker. He'd come in occasionally, claiming that the gas station coffee just wasn't up to his standards. He scared you, at first. Mattias has a very tough exterior, tattoos and muscles, but an even tougher interior. He was kind of stoic when you first met, and you couldn't quite get a read on him. He wasn't outwardly flirty or affectionate, which is why it took six weeks of him stopping by the coffee shop for him to pull you aside and ask what he was doing wrong, and why you weren't picking up on his advances. You had explained, and shortly after that you began dating. It was only a month or so into dating when you had learned of his cage-fighting career, but he assured you that he was tough, and no guy was gonna hurt him. You both needed the money on the side, so you reluctantly agree. That's what leads up to where you are now, passed out on your couch, waiting for him to come home.

He heads towards your shared apartment as quickly as he can, taking the subway about 8 blocks east, before running up the fire escape to the flat's balcony. He knows you deadbolted the door any time past 8:00, and doesn't blame you. It's kind of a dangerous neighborhood, and he feels bad enough leaving his girl home alone as much as he does.

"Pobre mami, espero que no me haya esperado." (Poor mami, hope she didn't wait up for me.) He pulls up the window, making sure to slip in quietly, in case you had already gone to sleep. As he places one foot on the floor, the wood barely creaks beneath him, when he hears a soft groan coming from the couch.

"Matty?" You mumble, sitting up from the plush couch and rubbing your eyes, trying to make out his large silhouette. He sighs, tossing his bag to the side as he stretches "Hey, hermosa, did I wake you up?" He asks, looking at you with his usual hooded gaze. "I guess, I don't think I was asleep that long..." You run a hand through your hair. "How'd it go?" He smiles softly, chuckling. "You know me, baby, I don't lose." He sits on the arm of the couch. "Gotchu' five hundred dollars, gonna' get you something real pretty with it." You sigh, and shake your head. "You've got me plenty of gifts, what we should be doing is saving up for somewhere else to live." You explain. He shrugs. "Yeah, you right, you right. That's my bad." He puts his hands up in surrender. "Well, if you aren't gonna let me get you somethin' pretty, you outta lemme' take ya to bed." Before you can react, he scoops you up in his arms, causing you to squeak.

"Don't scare me like that, God!" You smack his chest, but your hand only bounces off his firm pecs. e chuckles. "Gonna' have to hit harder than that, mami." He flicks off the living room light as he carries you to your shared bed. He lays you down, gently this time as opposed to the times he throws you on the bed, usually to pin you down and tickle you, saying things like '¿Qué pasa, bonita? Solo empújame, no es tan difícil...' (What's wrong, Pretty? Just push me off, it's not that hard...). Sometimes though, his manhandling isn't that innocent. As you snuggle down into the bed, Matias strips off his hoodie, and you blush at the way the light coming in through the blinds hits his chest. He lets out a soft groan, as the plush mattress and soft bed sheets soothe his sore body. Matias bites his lips as his eyes trace over your sleepy form, and he rolls over onto his side, tucking an arm around your waist.

"Mmm, no Matias... m' too tired tonight." You whisper, your face scrunching up. Matias was never a very soft guy. Playful and devilish, sure, but soft? No. His hands were calloused from years of bruising skin and bloodying faces, working and scrounging every penny he can get to get a better life for himself. Deep down, he couldn't imagine placing these damaged, dangerous hands on something as soft and sweet as you. He could snap you in half if he desired, and the thought terrifies him.

"What, no baby... I'm not tryna' smash at-" He looks over at the clock. "Shit, 1:00 am already? Jesus Christo..." He turns back to you. "Just wanna hold you, mami." He presses his long torso up against the curve of your back, pressing his face into your curls and inhaling your scent. "You feeling okay?" You ask. He knows he doesn't. He knows he should have been home for you sooner, and it didn't help that he had to make a stop on the way back home.

He feels a sense of dread in his stomach. You won't ever know about the stop he made, you were asleep. Besides, he comes home late all the time. What you will learn about is your bloodied new co-worker being found with his skull smashed in, just a few blocks from the cafe. Due to the graphic scene he left behind, it's sure to be on the morning news. Matias hadn't expected your new friend to be working the late shift, but he was still on an adrenaline high from the fight, and god... he couldn't stand the idea of that bitch getting to spend more time with you than him. He wants to be home for you more, he does, but he can't. Still, that doesn't mean he's going to let any other guy fill that void. Hell no.

"I'm fine, Hermosa. Just sore from the fight, wanna' hold my baby." He whispers, placing a chapped kiss on the shell of your ear, making you flinch. "That tickles..." You giggle. He smiles, and squeezes you gently. "C'mon, stop being silly. Necesitas descansar, especialmente después de quedarte despierto para mí." (You need to sleep, especially after staying up for me.) He scolds. You roll over to face him, and tuck your head into the crook of his neck. "Love you, Matty." You sleepily coo, before drifting off in his arms. He freezes, his breath labored for a minute as he looks down at you. Even now, after dating for so long, he can't process the softness of you juxtaposed with the beatings he both takes and gives every other weeknight. It's a transition he sometimes struggles to handle. He feels a smile creep onto his face, and he curls your small form into him, practically cradling you against his broad chest. God, he'll take on an extra five challengers next time, all for you.

"Gonna get you a penthouse baby, real nice neighborhood too. Somewhere safe, somewhere that makes me feel better about leavin' you all alone..." He whispers, knowing you can't really hear him. "Better not have anyone but me over, no fucker's from work, aight'? I'll kick the shit out of any of em' just for you..."

[milliemuus]

Wanted to get my thoughts out on Project Venus!Kieran's design and how it is comparable to canon Pecharunt. It's all in images from my twitter bcoz I didn't feel like typing it:

Anyways finishing up Mochi Mayhem that specific design choice with Pecharunt made me realize that Dokutaro (Pecharunt in PV) will most definitely look the same regardless of if he's truly added in there fully or no (I may add my own Mochi Mayhem Epilogue, idk. Most of what happens in canon Mochi Mayhem PV!Kieran makes happen in canon nefore you fight him, esp with the possession stuff.)

I also thought using mochi, or kibidango, was smart since Momotaro used that to gain the stead of the dog, the pheasant and monkey. In Project Venus, Kieran uses the toxic chains on his headband, kinda like ghostly chains. The only example I can think of is Shinigami from Rain Code being BOUND TO Yuma, but being able to drag him around by invisible chains. That being said, much like PV!Kieran, it takes control of their mind and body, though Kieran is only somewhat aware of his actions since he is the host for Dokutaro, and merely needed to get to Area Zero.

Anyhow, much to think about and I need to develop more on Project Venus. Thought this was rlly cool how much canon Pecharunt and PV!Kieran resembled one another esp since it'a based off the same thing.

[plusvanity]

To make this clear, Old Mayhem and me NEVER attacked one another.

There's no animosity going on between me and her. Although in the same 'fandom', our blogs exist separately and don't overlap. This doesn't mean hatred. This simply means a different public. The effort that me and her seems to put in the content that we create is massive, so as I said before, I will say I again, be a decent person and don't spread misinformation about what my dynamic between me and her is like. Also, don't spread hateful messages in anyone's inbox about how 'shit their art is' or 'how dare you not like this blog??' Because you NEVER know if the person who reads it has s*****e thoughts and the LAST THING that they read is your spiteful message. It happened with me before, and I wouldn't wish this feeling even on the worst people in my life.

This is all I had to say regarding Old Mayhem.

Now, I want to address the real issue who's name I didn't mention until now, Kelma 69, the one blog who's proud description is 'Getting rid of weird Mayhem fans, mostly from Pelle's fans'.

I don't even have to add anything about this description, her malicious 'witch hunt' intentions are more than obvious and the fact that I seem to be her number one target is sending a shiver down my spine.

I don't have an issue with people who block me and move on with their lives, this is normal, it's expected. But I have an issue with someone who blocks me and keeps endlessly talking about me with every chance they've got, so I want to ask her why?

I never interacted with her before, yet she comes across so vicious about my art and fiction for seemingly no reason other than envy.

Of cause that you're entitled to your own opinion, of course that you don't have to like me, this is absolutely alright, but you should assume your words instead of hiding behind blogs that had been here long before you or 'adjusting' your statements to how it seems more convenient for you.

Calling my art 'crap', than saying 'I'm not insulting the artist' is blatantly lying with proofs on her own page.

Also, the fact that she was both following me and my other artist friends, liking our 'Vargelle' fanarts until someone brought this to her attention and she suddenly blocked me and my friends is a 'getting caught' behaviour. I can understand that she may had liked those fanarts because of Pelle's design, as she mentioned at one point, but some of those drawings didn't even had Pelle's face in it, so how does this work? She also liked fanarts of Varg (alone) even if she hates Varg more than anything, so was this for his 'design' too? Is it?

Also, her parasitic tendency to accociate herself with Old Mayhem to seem relevant, to gain attention and admiration denote very evident deceiving and manipulating tactics.

Another aspect of her double-faced behaviour is the fact that she presents herself as 'shy' when she has no problem whatsoever getting rid of what might step out of her appreciation area. Shyness doesn't come with blunt insults and a covert need for conflict and drama. Shy people doesn't seek reactions, they don't go out to hate on people to boost up their ego and shy people DON'T throw the 'you just play the victim' card whenever they can't find solid arguments against their accusation.

Is calling out someone's falsehood the equivalent of 'playing' the victim? Is this the way to wash your hands clean from taking responsibility?

The fact that you won't allow a conversation to take place and once you consider that 'you're done playing your game' you pull out, just shows how unwilling you are to recognise what you've done.

I hope everyone can leave behind this senseless drama. I'm so sick and tired talking like a broken record about these things.

Live and let live. There's so much to do in life other than being angry about fiction, trust me.

[vdragon-creations]

TMayNT Day 13: Best Don

Day 13 of @tmaynt Prompt: Best Don!

Oh my sweet, how I've waited for this day! It should probably come as no surprise to anyone who fallows me or anyone who saw my Day 1 entry that Donnie is my favorite turtle! Hands down, no contest!

But here comes the hard part. Choosing my favorite! Gunna be honest, it's a very hard decision. Each Donnie has a quality to them that I just adore! Intelligence! I don't like to think of myself as that smart, at least not in the way Donnie is! And I love me some soft nerdy types! And when it comes to personality, it gets even harder to pick, because literally ALL of them are just precious.

87 is smart but a bit of a dork! 2003 is...goals. Sweet, kind, has a tiny bit of spice to him, and still has the skills to pay the bills! 2007, while not having much screen time, is a reliable man.

IDW, tbh, I've yet to read the comics in full, but from what I can see, he seems a lot like a mix of both 2003, 2007, and 87 Don. As in, while he's a little more softspoken then the others, he can still hold his own in a fight! And despite having been through some clearly otherworldly shit, he's a skeptic when it comes to magic. But I love the way they wrote him! (And his death scene still makes me cry! And seeing him still deal with pain from that incident is just *Chef's kiss*!)

2012....well...I don't have much to say about him. Frankly he's my least favorite out of the bunch, and all because the writers really wanted to play fanfic writer and they leaned whyyyyy too hard into the nerd stereotype. Resulting in making him borderline creepy to April. (Not that she's perfect either because goddess on a stick I'm not getting into that today.) The one thing I'll give him is that his sarcasm in this one made his very funny to hear in banter, and I apricate that they were trying to do more then just change the skin colors to make the boys stand out from one another. (But guys...really....the gap in the teeth was just not necessary..)

The Bayverse Donnie was one that had to grow on me a little, cause I'm part of the crowed that thought they looked a bit rough. But I agree that that's kinda the point, they're mutants. They more then likely would be a little rough looking irl. But after aa bit, he does start looking pretty cute anyway! And his voice is on par with 2003, in that he just sounds so sweet! I wanna hug him! (PLUS, THE FUCKER IS 6'8"! I'M 5'3"! And I do have a weakness for taller dudes. Bonus if they wear glasses! :3)

Now, for Rise. I was once part of the Cowaboomer crowed that thought that since RISE was so different from the other versions, it was there for ruined. I've since watched it, and the movie, and if anything, I've proven that I no longer think this way! RISE Donnie tho...he had to grow on me. At first I really didn't like him. His personality was such a stark contrast from all the other versions that it was almost like he was a whole new character! And with the art style of RISE being so different, his design was quite a jolt too. (The eyebrows are...a choice.) But after a while, that smug fucking smile had me feeling a type of way. The way he'd make me laugh was starting to become infectious! And the next thing I knew, I fell for this version too! Pretty hard I might say. And while 2003 Donnie is the sweetest bean to ever grace my screen, RISE became the living definition of the meme "I'm a luxury few can afford!"! And I love him!

After that, we had the batman cross over that brought us another Donnie! Once that I'm happy didn't lean too heavy on the other versions. He looked a little like 2012, but was like a gentle mix or 2003 and Bayverse! He also got a lot more lines and personality in that movie! (As well as a broken arm! RIP)

Then Mutant Mayhem showed up, and oh my god if he isn't the same insufferable anime fan I was when I was a teen! He made me laugh, and was still an adorable little dork!

And then we have Fortnite Donnie, who...i gotta be honest, I don't play Fortnite. So I'm not sure if he or the others get much of a personality or story outside of the same story of the turtles that we all know by now. So i can't judge him based on personality. But...I do like his design. Tho I will continue to say Fortnite had NO RIGHT to make him THAT damn fine!

In the end, I love all Donnies! Some more then others, but they all mean something to me! And it was hard to choose! but in the end, I chose the two that had the most influence on me!

[legs-art]

ELEMENTAL REALM / ECLECTIC CHAMBER OCS!

Hiiiiiii first art post I'm sharing publicly! This has been a month in the making but it's so worth it. These are a handful of characters in my OC universe, the Elemental Realm! AKA the Eclectic Chamber, I'm currently going through a name change from elemental realm to eclectic chamber. Don't worry about that.

Italicized names mean those are placeholders while I still try to come up with a better name. For some, those placeholders have been there for years :P whoops

These comprise pretty much all the significant characters I have (with a guideline of appearing in at least 2 stories although there's some exceptions). There are roughly another 100 or so characters that I opted not to include because they're either not as significant, I don't have an interesting design for them, or I just didn't feel like it. Full namedrop behind the read more in case you're interested! Maybe I'll do a part 2 of this in a year or so, who knows.

If there's any characters here that tickle your fancy, shoot an ask or a comment for me to infodump about them! Quality of infodumping may vary, especially considering I still have to step around spoilers and whatnot, but I'm very interested to show you how these characters have been sculpted in my head over these past several years. (Also, I will be revealing some info about the story ideas I already have in mind for the Elemental Realm soon, so stay tuned for that!)

Uhhhhhh yeah. Hopefully I'm not forgetting to say anything important. I really love what I made lol I hope I can finally start moving this universe outside of my head and into the world ^_^

Anyway, yeah, sorry to the following for not making the cut:

The Pawn

OBJECT

Pirate Cat

Frost Wyvern

The Other Plant Species

Ishmael

Olive Hills Grandmother

Disco Restituo Grandmother

TVHead Salesperson

The Hidden Prime Minister

AtmOS

Operatic Nobeard

KUR-180 (Ferret Form)

Hyperlink Trace II

Squirrel

Wibblewobble Vortex

Cuttlefish "Danger" Aromantic

Sporror

Teodoro Locksmith

Galleria Monies

Vapo Sea Devil

Sternum Crease

Base Sorceress

Nom Diamonds

Zareen Hangus

Mark Genuine

Blundered Impersonator

Alice

Senderman

Jasper

Cow Cowboy

Blood Knight

Ice Prince

Ice Squid

Ice Cephalopod

Stratos

Kozmo

Old Guy With Badger Stand

Overseer

Loomynutty

Blobular Shapeshifter

Santa

Krampus

Chad Shakespeare

Angelsbane

Elephant Friend

The Tourist Trap

Fluffy Boy Rabbit

Fluffy Boy Bear

TTRPG Komodo Dragon

Windmill Gnome

Robot Police Dog

Little Mouse Guy

Perfect Soup Nerd Bird

Sentient Tiny Hot Air Balloon

Lugnarts

Verde Mermaid

Clownimatronic / The Machine

The Crescents

Suntronic

Mongoose Man

Blizzard Wizard

Kulfi Wala

The Beast

Still Chaos Penguin

Caged Water Beast

Metakellos

Monsterfucker Snake Robot

Rodrigo

Crystal Aurora King

Star Matter Ursa

Glorp

ANN-13

Crysple

X-02

Pyramid Of Mayhem

Fishbowl

Top Hat

Alien Traffic Control Tower

Fridgey

Dice

Easel

The Stalker

Majesty Of Colors

Andromeda V5

[bearpillowmonster]

Transformers One

REALIZATION

I'm going to start with a response to my trailer reaction and either prove myself right or wrong with my expectations. So the design choices, yeah, a little bit disappointed, I think because they're so sheik and shiny, they look like they just spray painted in-between blows. There are parts that look better than others but hey. The action scenes especially and I mean there's some really cool action when it's there, from about half way down, it has short bursts of excitement, I just would've like a little longer spurts though the pace of the movie tried to speed things up. There were points where I felt like they took toys to model them and play with them to get those scenes.

(Paramount, if you do another one, pick me, so that I can make a movie based on toys WITH actual toys. That hasn't been done yet, has it? Even claymation would get the point across. PS if you steal this, I'm calling you out on twitter and pursuing legally)

It's not like they just walk into a cave and get powers, they aren't necessarily 'special' there are other ones that have that power already. They're all born with cogs just had them taken away then given only to specific bots. So they just had to find them to reactivate that power. Yeah, I just spoiled that but it was a concern of mine before seeing this so it's a helpful spoiler.

The toys…were real, the ball and all, it's not used a whole lot because the movie had a different structure than I imagined because it wasn't "Oh we got these crazy new powers and are exploring a whole new world" like the marketing made it out to be. I think that might be one of the points that I'd bring up as to the low ticket sales for this movie, is the misbranding of it…but at the same time it's on brand because of the jokey nature.

THE MAIN SCHTICK

The bad@$$atron joke was used again and again, more like stupid@$$atron (that would've been a clever follow-up and have actually gotten laughs) So the humor is off kilter, a few times I laughed but it's absolutely nonstop with it's onslaught of quips. I feel like it had more than Mutant Mayhem but because of the structure, it seemed like less than Ratchet and Clank (luckily, which I consider the worse of the worse mostly)

It's directed by Josh Cooley so a good reference would be to say if every character were Forky. And really, I liked the actual core of the story because I thought there was a lot of good stuff there to do with the characters but the dialogue squandered it away and made it seem less meaningful. I was asking myself if it'd make a difference if it was the same animation just redubbed but no, it wouldn't, because a lot of it is built around these gags and jokes like the Transformers struggling to form down a hill. This is where the cast doesn't really get to prove their salt because they have to force an overloaded serious speech (sometimes broken up with quips from the others) into one singular moment. You can actually sit and pick out "Oh, this is their one moment. Ok, back to the silliness." It does seem to ease up each quarter though which I semi-appreciated.

OVERALL & WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?

Is it a bad movie? No, there was an attempt, it was fun. 3/5. Not the best one of the bunch, maybe I'll make another post ranking them. My little brother is actually 7 years old (I was 8 when I saw the live action one) so while he knows what Transformers are, this was his first actual Transformers movie so I have a kid pov too. He liked it but he wasn't laughing at all the jokes, he liked the ones in Minions (which I also thought were stupid but they were to be expected from something like that) but it didn't seem to have any effect on him or succeed in its attempt to be 'kid friendly' or extra engaging, I think it would've been regardless.

[marshallpupfan]

Marshall Merchandise Update!

In my last update, I said it was unlikely that I'd be adding any more Mighty Movie merchandise to my collection, as I figured I'd found just about everything of Marshall. As it turns out... I WAS WRONG.

I've got five items to show off this time, and all but one of them involves merchandise from The Mighty Movie. I underestimated just how much they were going to make for their theatrical sequel. 😅

First off, this plush + blanket! Much like the last one I purchased, this also came from QVC. I think it's exclusive to them, but I'm not 100% sure. Either way, as soon as a friend showed me one, I knew I had to have it! However, I haven't unrolled the blanket yet, but just so you all can see what it looks like, I provided a screenshot from the video on their website. It's quite nice! Hey, what better way to stay warm than with a pup who's coming in hot! 🔥

Next, the "Meteor Mayhem" board game. Sadly, I doubt I'll get to play this with anyone, but of course, you can all imagine the real reason I purchased it. To be honest, when I first heard about this, I thought that unique Marshall wind-up toy would be rather small, but it's actually much bigger than I expected! I haven't removed it from the packaging yet, but I'm not sure if I'll keep it in there or try to display the whole thing. Also...

Is it just me, or are the designs for the pup here a little different? They look more like their TV counterparts than that from the theatrical film. Hey, we've got an episode of the TV series coming up soon, and it's based on Mighty Pups... you don't suppose this is what they'll look like in it, do you? I guess we'll find out soon enough!

Next, these mini-figurines! I found them at a store that I didn't expect to have Mighty Movie merchandise, so I was quick to pick it up. However, after purchasing it and exiting the store, I suddenly realized I might already own this figurine of Marshall. Once I got home, I quickly discovered that...

...yeah, I kinda do. The one on the right came from that mystery box, which I purchased a few months back. However, it has more colors, so I guess that technically makes it kind of different. Do I consider this another new addition to my collection or not? Ah well, I'll find a spot for it somewhere. lol

Hey, look at what finally showed up at a Burger King near me! And to think, it only took a whole month for Indiana to get some! Admittedly, when I seen pictures of this last month, I thought Marshall's toy would be rather small, like those mini-figurines. Turns out, it's about three or four inches tall! It's kind of a shame that the outfit is just one solid color, but... hey, I still like it! Oh yeah, there's a little switch on his left hind leg that makes his fireball light up and blink. Neat!

Last, this... uh-oh... a mystery box. H'oh boy, I was not expecting to stumble upon this today, and at a Menards, no less.

So... yeah, there are new mystery boxes on the market again. This time, they contain Hallmark Christmas ornaments. Actually, I believe these have been around since last year, but at the time, they were only sold as a set (I think). I wasn't able to get one then, so I'm glad to see they're now being sold individually! Of course, the caveat here is that, until you open the container, you'll never know who's inside. That certainly presents a problem to someone who's just looking for one particular pup.

However...

Much like those Mash'em toys, they made yet another critical error with these containers; there are very small holes on both the top and bottom. Once again, if I shine my phone's flashlight at just the right spots, I can just make out a color or two on the inside. And with a little patience, I spotted some red and...

Well, you can imagine where this is going. :)

Yup! I got the exact pup I was looking for! Yay for cheating the system! Should I feel guilty about this or not? lol

Being a Hallmark ornament, it's of course really nice. And really cute, too! I wish his little paw pads had been colored in (real talk; pink paw pads are legit adorable), but hey, I still really like it anyway! Wow, I did not expect to be going home with this one today!

Well, that's it for now! Currently, I've got a three more items coming in the mail, although they'll take a while to arrive because they're coming from overseas! Soon enough, I'll get to add a few more imported Marshall items to my collection again! And the only reason I got them at all was because, much to my amazement, both the items and the shipping were cheap! Like, $3 for both, surprisingly. They're small, but hey, I can't wait to add 'em to my collection! :)

[eorzeashan]

Happy Mother's Day to the worst chilf- I mean milf- I mean mom I've ever written, Nosta!

It's hard talking about her because she's so many things besides being retired, and I could go on forever about how she ultimately fucked up as a spy forming connections she never should've while being too ambitious and wanting it all at the same time. She's a mean one with a personality like an atomic bomb and very, very messy. Her exterior facade was that of a seductress all the way through, but she was top marks in everything else as well-- which made her utterly brilliant. Her standards were notoriously high and backbreaking; so much so no one could reach her.

They called her the castle crasher, for how she'd seduce a prominent Lord and then have their entire powerbase undone in a week without a single tear. In other words, she played fast and loose with hearts. Many knew her as flamboyant and charmingly sweet in direct opposition to chiss stereotypes, but she saw those who fell for something as paltry as attraction and sex as beneath her and foolish for falling for such ploys, indicating some serious issues beneath that smile that lit up the room.

The one person who knew her true nature was Eight, who inherited her Cipher designation after her retirement. He knew her as a rather sloppy person who'd make a mess of any safehouse they shacked up in and then complain about the people she'd just slept with-- and then he'd find out she killed them as well, and they'd share an experience of draining the body in the fresher and concealing it with a dubious mix of chemicals. Fun bonding times for a young child and half-drunk bachelorette! Sometimes she'd fall asleep during it and he'd have to finish cleaning by himself while making sure she didn't choke on her own spit while taking an inpromptu nap after a long day of murder and masked mayhem.

Long story short, his childhood apprenticeship with her was hardly positive... if not spartan given how blatant murder and her many issues were just another day for them, but even the hardest of circumstances under her wing were times he viewed with fondness, so his relationship with her is "complicated". She was the pinnacle of espionage to him and a harsh if not cruel teacher who never once softened her blows or her words in training, as the world she knew was too harsh to let anyone weaker than her standards survive, so she beat the mastery of being a spy into Eight until it was his life.

He knew she only wanted him to succeed the way she did, but neither of them realized it was simply the cyclic continuation of their own suffering as agents and weapons who'd gone beyond being people until it was far too late to reconcile. Even then, Eight could never blame her or hate her for what had happened or for what they had done to each other; after all, she granted him the ability to survive above all else. How could he be anything but grateful to the woman that saved his life, who he had given his life for?

Yet, he too feels guilt. Guilt for killing all the people she'd known as a spy in order to save her life. Guilt for at one point, thinking her soft for wanting to return to her family when she'd taught him never to wish for such things. Perhaps there was some disconnect, some pity towards her that made him think she'd failed as a spy when she revealed that weakness to him out of fondness. That fatal flaw that made him see her as a person for the first time rather than the unfeeling, detached, gunmetal spy she'd lied about being.

A weakness that meant their days together were over. She'd taught him such a person could not survive in the world of Intelligence. So there was but one thing left to do: get her out of it.

Even if that meant leaving him behind in the process.

Nosta only realized her mistakes and regret once she was back in the Ascendancy and out of Imperial Intelligence's clutches, unable to forget the harsh upbringing and bloodstained life she'd foisted on another now that she was living one in the luxury and comfort Eight would never have. Initially she was in denial that he'd do such a thing, until Saganu himself told her Eight had remained in the Empire for her sake. Had killed her dear Watcher who tried to strike her down in the night to spare her from being memory-wiped or sent to Shadow Town. Had murdered everyone who'd been assigned to bring her in. Had signed his death warrant just to let her live, with no intention of going with her.

Still, she held out. No boy of hers would kick the bucket so easily. Any day now he'd walk through her door and announce he'd succeeded at his mission. Distance made her heart grow fonder, as did facing the truth-- that the operative she'd trained was not just some weapon she'd built nor a liability, but someone she cared for and who had cared for her when there had been no one else in their little world made out of espionage and lies. The one person who had made her long for a life outside of the job, all because he'd kept her from drowning in loneliness.

Then the news broke that there was a new Cipher Eight-- a young man fitting his description, carrying on exactly where she left off, and her heart splintered in two. He was never coming home. She had fed him to the machine. There would be no body to mourn, and they would never see each other again.

Ultimately, Nosta and Eight are a cautionary tale about the trauma mothers can pass down and how horrible parents who didn't realize at the time what they were doing can also be someone you love very much, but are still those who will never be able to amend for what they've done to you even if they spent the rest of their life doing so. There's a bridge they could rebuild if either of them tried, but there's so much personal pain involved that if they sat down to talk, it would be completely silent. Things we can't talk about is the name of their game. I'm grateful I met you. I'm happy you were my family. But we can't fix this. Not even I know what's wrong with me still. You gave that to me.

Her and Keeper failed in similar yet opposite ways, with her forcing him to become the best to live, while Keeper wanted him to forget how to be the best in order to escape this life. Both were too late. Both were saved by him. Both of them regret what he is.

I think Nosta would accost Keeper out of rage and grief and having the hope that he took care of Eight or at the very least, granted him the same chance to get out of Intelligence as he did the others, but Eight has never wanted to be saved, and she'd only be lashing out in that explosive way of hers that still comes from a place of her own self-loathing. Then they'd just be two failed guardians hanging their heads in shame.

It's a lot to bear, even together.

[wizard-spider-man]

To Layer One's Defenses; the Pillars of Eternity and the Aegis of Reality.

Across the vast expanse of lands, from humble villages nestled in verdant valleys to the untamed wilderness, the ground began to stir in the most tranquil of places. Like whispers carried on the gentle breeze, pillars of steely gray emerged from the earth, their presence as serene as the dawn's first light.

Scattered across the planet, distant from each other, one might not guess that the forces that bind these obelisks together was a coordinated network of design and purpose.

Yet, as they pierced upwards from the ground, their otherworldly glow and mesmerizing runes flash in a dazzling array of colors, beckoning the curious and the world weary alike.

These were the Pillars of Eternity, humble steel obelisks, six feet in height, their significance was immeasurable.

The power of Eternity itself coursed through their unbreakable beams.

Forged from the same metaphysical bindings that kept the One Below All shackled in the depths of the darkest abyss, these Pillars stood as Time Anchors, capable of stabilizing the flow of time within their vicinities.

These Time Anchors were intregal to the maintenance of time and space during times of mass fabric disruption. Resistant to corruption, be it decay, manipulation, or even rebirth of the multiverse, these pillars will remain steadfast, their dial runes spinning in harmony with the natural flow of this realm's timeline.

Their capabilities were somewhat extensive, their purpose beyond mere guardianship of the timeline.

The Pillars served as autonomous guardians,imbued with the power to cast potent defense spells and engage with the very fabric of the realm.

Attuned to the slightest disturbances in the magical field, they respond to different dangers, in different ways, summoning rains to quench raging fires or commanding winds to disperse toxic gas clouds.

These are the first line of defense, a bulwark against any forces that threaten to unravel the delicate balance of existence itself.

These Pillars were designed to outlast even the planets upon which they are built on, or perhaps, *enable* the planet's survival past natural causes.

In these metal monoliths lay the hope that they would prove equal to the task of defending reality from disaster.

ASFELAEIA... 8 HOURS AGO

It all started in the inner Sanctum Sanctorum.

The Wizard Spider-Man had bound this palantir inside a concrete block, knowing he would be gone for some time. The Cabin inside his Palantir, had another Palantir on the desk. This one contained the entrance to the Sanctum.

Beware evildoers, a great many safeguards and firewalls protect this sacred place. Only the Wizard can enter, and all intruders risk complete and total obliteration for trying it.

Ancient Tomes and mystical artifacts float around the Wizard Spider-Man. He is seated, eyes closed, focusing an intense amount of mana into a carefully planned ritual.

Hopefully, this would all bear fruit, and Spidey would be given the car keys to save the entirety of reality itself.

After all True Believers, he was the Sorcerer Supreme. He had access to a great amount of resources in the Sanctum. And he wasn't alone in this either, he had allies to call upon in the world!

Every now and then, the objects collide, their energies blasting off themselves with either a flash, pop, crash, or shock.

An eerie stillness hangs in the air, every object levitating in the room snaps into perfect alignment, guided by the incantations of the ritual.

In an instant, the very atmosphere crackled with an immense surge of power, the magic in the room intensifying tenfold, threatening to overwhelm him.

Opening his eyes, he extends a hand toward the flame and makes the offering;

An arcane jewel that he created to channel water and ice magics. It contained the soul of a wild elemental spirit, previously causing mayhem in a public swimming pool.

It had a taste for blood. Because of this, he really didn't feel bad binding it to a gem, consequently he would have no issue sending its soul back where it belongs.

"Return to the darkness, and live amongst the stars once more."

His voice echoes in multiple tones. Spider-Man burns the gem at the altar, the wild untempered soul being siphoned away by the universe at large. Eye for an eye...

A shimmering portal opens.

Tooth for a tooth.

Like all of Spidey's recovery crafts, each item of power he creates in his free time is done so during the healing process, a form of therapy to soothe the busy mind while the flesh recovers. Magic takes a toll on you, and everything comes with a cost.

But those costs can sometimes gain valuable rewards. Karma was its own currency in Spider-Man's world.

To reach his destination, Spider-Man must traverse the Veil of Worlds, where the boundaries of reality blur and the paths to infinite realms unfold. Past and future collide, and ghosts often share their misery with company here.

It would be no easy feat. This universe was much different than his own, but like the grand scheme of the multiverse, there were similarities in design. The Veil of Worlds would likely be very similar here.

"By the power vested in me as Sorcerer Supreme, I command the Veil to part and reveal the path to the Nexus of Realities."

Stepping through the portal, the Wizard finds himself in a world of swirling mists and shifting landscapes. Water flows backwards, rain pours upward, and there are whispers on a foul wind...

The Veil of Worlds is a place of constant flux, where the laws of physics and the laws of arcane blur together. Ethereal beings and spectral guardians watch silently as the Spider passes. He senses them, but they do not approach.

The road, as it could loosely be described as one, was a trodden mulch ridden wash of dirt and grime. Each footstep seem to stir unseen things from down below...

A familiar entity, the Giant Spider known as the Great Weaver, approaches the Wizard from the fog.

"Spider, your journey is fraught with peril. Only those with true purpose may reach the Nexus."

The path ahead is ever-changing, with portals to countless dimensions opening and closing around him. His spider-sense acts as a radar, and guides him away from each one, by design leading him further down the correct road.

Hands grab at him, trying to pull him under the mud. He resists them, pressing onward. They pull at his feet, his hands, his mask. His soul.

"You must use your mastery of magic to navigate this bog, casting spells to stabilize the ground beneath your feet and wards to fight off any malevolent entities that seek to hinder your progress."

"By the light of the Mithra, guide my steps and light the way."

After what feels like an eternity of wandering, the Wizard Spider-Man arrives at the threshold of the Nexus of Realities. He had grown weary, his essences having been drained by malevolent and angry spirits.

A colossal archway stands before him, inscribed with runes of power and guarded by ancient sentinels. The air crackles with energy, and the Wizard Spider-Man can feel the presence of cosmic ultimatum beyond the gate.

"Sorcerer Supreme, you have proven your worth. Enter the Nexus and seek the wisdom of the cosmos."

The archway opens, revealing the Nexus of Realities. Stars, galaxies, and dimensions swirl around a platform of translucent pink, the beyond itself showcasing a breathtaking birds eye view of the entirety of existence.

You could go mad watching the cauldron of creation boil.

The presence of the cosmic entities is intimidating, their power and wisdom awaiting Spider-Man's call.

"Hey guys. Sorcerer Supreme Wizard Spider-Man here. I know ya'll are busy being, uh, you, but, I'm here for a very important reason. *Ahem.* Eternity, Infinity, and most honorable Living Tribunal, I have come to seek your guidance and the strength to protect our realm. A great darkness is coming, and I need some help. Some serious help. Consider this a step into divination because I really, really need some help."

Infinity emerges, a being of boundless space and unlimited possibilities. Its presence is both astounding and overwhelming.

"What is coming is inevitable, Sorcerer Supreme. The flow of time and space will end, and with it, the peace of silence. Embrace the inevitability, know that it is not to be feared, but understood. All things end."

A vast figure composed of swirling galaxies and cosmic energy materializes before him. Its voice resonates with the echoes of time itself.

Eternity emerges, poking the Wizard's masked nose.

"Spider-Man, your heart is noble and true. Your dedication to protecting your realm is commendable. You seek to safeguard the balance of existence, and for that, you have my respect."

The Living Tribunal descends, its three faces—Equity, Necessity, and Vengeance—rotating slowly. Its golden form radiates authority and judgement.

"SPIDER-MAN, YOU STAND BEFORE US SEEKING AID. YET, YOU ARE KNOWN TO ACCEPT GIFTS FROM DEVILS, WALKING A PATH FRAUGHT WITH MORAL AMBIGUITY. WHY DOES ONE WHO TREADS SUCH A PATH NOW SEEK TO SAVE REALITY? EXPLAIN YOUR INTENTIONS, FOR THE BALANCE OF THE EXISTENCE ITSELF DEMANDS CLARITY AND RIGHTEOUSNESS."

"The Warlock thing? That was because I saved Asfelaeia from the Grimdark Blizzard. I created a blessing that reversed Verglas's curse. I didn't realize what town I was living in and what I was trying to save. There are so many good people in that city. I can't really change that it's Hell's Favorite City. The Devils are... an issue. But, I live there now. It's my home."

He says to the Tribunal, trying his best to state his mission clearly.

The Living Tribunal's faces rotate slowly, each one reflecting a different aspect of judgement. The air grows heavy with the weight of its scrutiny.

"SORCERER SUPREME, YOUR ACTIONS IN ASFELAEIA REVEAL COMPLEX INTENTIONS. YOU WALK A PATH OF SHADOWS TO BRING LIGHT TO THOSE IN NEED."

"THE BALANCE OF EXISTENCE IS DELICATE, AND YOUR CHOICES, THOUGH MORALLY AMBIGUOUS, HAVE SERVED A GREATER GOOD."

The face of Equity speaks, its voice measured and fair.

"YOUR INTENTIONS TO SAVE THE INNOCENT AND PROTECT THE REALM ARE NOBLE. THE BALANCE YOU SEEK TO MAINTAIN IS A WORTHY CAUSE."

The face of Necessity follows, its tone resolute and unyielding.

"THE INEVITABILITY OF YOUR ACTIONS AND THEIR CONSEQUENCES MUST BE ACKNOWLEDGED. YOU HAVE ACTED OUT OF NECESSITY, AND THIS HAS SHAPED YOUR PATH."

Finally, the face of Vengeance speaks, its voice stern and commanding.

"REMEMBER, SPIDER-MAN, THAT POWER MUST BE WIELDED WITH RESPONSIBILITY. YOUR PAST ACTIONS WILL BE WEIGHED AGAINST YOUR FUTURE DEEDS. PROVE THAT YOUR HEART REMAINS TRUE, AND THE BALANCE YOU SEEK TO PROTECT WILL BE UPHELD."

The Tribunal's judgement is clear. Power will be granted. The Living Tribunal's three faces; Equity, Necessity, and Vengeance all speak in unison, their voices merging to a single, resonant proclamation that reverberates through the fabric of reality.

"SORCERER SUPREME, HEED THE DECREE OF THE COSMIC BALANCE. YOU WILL GIVE TO US THE PALANTIR THAT CRADLES YOUR HOME UNIVERSE, AND THE VERY ESSENCE OF YOUR SOUL WILL BE BOUND TO THE ETERNAL DOMAINS OF INFINITY AND ETERNITY. SHOULD YOU PERISH, IF YOUR MORTAL COIL IS SEVERED, KNOW THIS: YOUR ESSENCE SHALL BE RECLAIMED BY THE COSMOS, WOVEN BACK INTO THE SPACE AND TIME. THIS IS THE EXCHANGE FOR THE POWER TO SAVE THIS EXISTENCE THAT YOU SO CHERISH. DO YOU ACCEPT?"

---

ASFELAEIA, 3 HOURS AGO.

*The Wizard Spider-Man wakes up. It would appear he was on the ground for a while, as someone had stolen his hat.*

"Can't take my soul if it's owned by something else... I hope that was worth it."

He looks at the scroll in his pocket, and checks his watch. It was time to initiate another ritual.

Marvelous Readers, Spider-Man has plans for his life this world, and he would do everything in his immense power to save it! The Wizardly Wallcrawler would swing off to a location undisclosed... and activate...

The Aegis Of Reality.

[honeybunnybeez]

C!Ranboo, c!Tommy and c!Tubbo x Parental!GN!Reader (FLUFF) (HEADCANON) (LONG)

Au Setting: Au where the war never happened and everything is fairly normal but relationships are still rather strained. Not really canon compliant.

♡When Ranboo first met you thanks to Tommy and Tubbo, he was a little wary of you, but his views on you quickly changed when he found out that you were just trying to be neutral and friendly to everyone in the server like he was and that you even helped everyone who came to you looking for help.

♡He's appreciative of how patient you are with him and his forgetfulness. He knows it can get frustrating but he appreciates that you never get angry at him and just tell him that it's okay. You understand that it isn't really something he can control and just try your best to help him out with it when you can.

♡He likes the bond you have with Tommy and Tubbo. He was a little hesistant to enter your little trio, thinking he'd be a bother since he was pretty much an outsider, but thanks to you, Tommy and Tubbo, you helped made him feel at ease hanging around you three together.

♡He doesn't remember having a parental figure in his life before, but after almost a year of knowing you, he thinks that it's safe enough for him to see you as such. In his memory notebook, he lables you as his mom/dad/parent friend that he can trust. He never tells you about it but he does show it through his actions.

♡While he does trust you with his secrets, the one reason why he won't always tell you about them is because of how you have to manage Tommy and Tubbo's troubles as well. He doesn't want to overwhelm you but sometimes if he thinks he has to let things out he does tend to spill to you. He's grateful that you always listen and comfort him when he does, that you're still willing to care for him even though you have other problems as well.

♡You're rather happy to have Ranboo join your little family and you're beyond estatic that he's the more well behaved one in the trio. As much as you love your feral boys, another one may be too much on your plate. You can trust Ranboo to not cause trouble when you're away and to maken sure the other two don't either.

(Read more placed because it got long once again)

♡Onto more general headcanons now!

♡So, Tommy and Tubbo like to tease and mess around with Ranboo more so than they do with one another, but when they know that he's now part of the family, they'll protect him just as much as they protect one another and you. Sure he may be older then the both of them, but they aren't going to let anyone mess with him, even if they don't show it.

♡As stated before, Ranboo helps you keep Tommy and Tubbo out of trouble when you ask him to. When they seem to still plan on causing mayhem even though you're just going to be gone for a few minutes, he'll use his height as an advantage and carry both of them under his arms like sacks of potatoes. No matter how many times you see it, you cannot stop yourself from laughing yourself half to death when you see Tommy flailing about and screaming.

♡Before Ranboo, Tommy and Tubbo almost always came over on Monday mornings to have breakfast with you. When they were younger, their fathers usually left on Monday mornings, leaving them in your care during those days. Because of how often it happened, breakfast on Mondays just seemed to be a routine thing you 3 shared. You were quick to invite Ranboo over once you two got comfortable with one another and Ranboo never fails to show up with cake each time, much to the delight of all three of you.

♡Ranboo has a tendency to bring blocks over to your place, placing them haphazardly at times. You didn't really want to remove them, not wanting to upset Ranboo, so you came up with a plan with Tommy and Tubbo to make little structures with them. Lord, you had to promise them cookies so Tommy wouldn't make anything crude out of them and rope Tubbo into it. The structures were placed in an empty field close to your farm and Ranboo was pretty happy with it! He also turned it into his designated block area too instead of your home area, much to your relief.

♡Freaking sleepovers at your place, yes. This happens when Tommy and Tubbo are dealing with a few problems at home and just need some time away from family. All they have to do is show up with bags at your place and you're already opening the door open wide for them no matter what time it is. Ranboo starts joining the sleepovers as well during days where he feels worse than others and just needs some nice company around him. These sleepovers aren't as wild as you think they might be, they're just filled with hot drinks, talking absolute nonsense and sleeping the day away until all of you feel better.

♡Speaking of sleep, you three have freaked out when Ranboo first entered his enderwalk state. You three woke up to the sound of the door being slammed open at 4 am with Ranboo nowhere to be found. You three rushed out only to see him picking up blocks and placing them randomly.

♡You three try calling out to him but nothing happens, so you decide to just follow him around since you're all wide awake now anyways. Things are fine at first with all of you cracking little jokes here and there about the situation but the panic starts back up again when Ranboo almost falls into the river near your home. Seriously, you'd be surprised if all three screams of "RANBOO!" didn't wake up anyone in the server.

♡All three of you had to tackle Ranboo to stop him and drag him away from the river. He was still asleep which amazed you guys, but at least he wasn't an unstoppable moving force anymore. For the first time in a while, you actually locked all your doors and windows just to ensure he wouldn't escape again and thankfully he didn't. You made Tommy and Tubbo promise to never speak of this to him in the morning and to your shock, they agreed, maybe its because they couldn't exactly believe what just happened themselves.

♡After the boys tuck Ranboo and themselves back into their respective sleeping spots you can't help but sigh and smile tiredly as you watch the three of them rest. Well, your troublemaking duo just seemed to turn into a chaotic trio now that Ranboo was in the picture and as you flop yourself back onto your own sleeping spot you can't help but think you wouldn't have it any other way. As you told yourself before, they were your boys, after all.

A/N: I have little to no self control and it shows- I had way too much fun with this. Thank you so much for the request, I really enjoy getting these parental ones! I really hope you all enjoyed reading this and I apologize for any mistakes in this story since I wrote it in a rush!

(Requests are open and anon is on!)

[innuendostudios]

Thoughts on... some funny games

[no spoilers to speak of]

Thoughts on Lair of the Clockwork God

The wisdom of the gaming cognoscenti insists that comedy is hard to do in video games. Having grown up with Monkey Island and Zork, I've never found this convincing. But one true thing is this: it's hard to write about comedic games. The ineffability of humor is hard enough to describe in less-interactive media; I can't even explain to my partner why Gretchen saying "I met January Jones once!" on You're the Worst busted me up, and they were sitting right next to me when she said it. Throw in the "you had to be there" nature of the player's active participation and I lose myself in a cornfield. The thing I found hilarious might come a beat to early for you, or not at all, or not be funny in text like it is in gameplay.

Why did I like Lair of the Clockwork God? It made me laugh.

The premise and particulars are a lot of "that could go either way." Ben and Dan - stars of Ben There, Dan That and Time Gentleman, Please! - have returned. Ben is still an adventure game star, but Dan has adopted platforming mechanics in an attempt to get with the times. So playing the game involves switching back and forth between a character who can leap across canyons but can't pick up items or talk to people, and one who can combine inventory but can't climb over a 3-pixel rock.

Does that sound potentially funny? Potentially grating? Yes to both!

The plot centers around our heroes trying to save the world from several simultaneous apocalypses and having to teach human emotions to a supercomputer in order to do so. (Don't ask.) These means, rather like Ben There, Dan That, traipsing through a number of fantasy worlds (read: computer simulations) until the correct emotion is provoked. This requires cross-genre cooperation: finding ways to get Ben to areas only Dan can access, getting Dan new power ups by combining objects in Ben's inventory (an act Dan insists on calling "crafting").

The best bits are at these intersections, when Dan's platforming is the puzzliest and Ben's puzzles take advantage of Dan's skills. Periodically the game gives you a Dan-centric platforming gauntlet the controls are NOT precise nor pleasant enough for, or a Ben-only moon logic puzzle that leaves you googling the walkthrough.

But I liked it! A lot. The genre-hopping seems to have invigorated the developers, Ben Ward and Dan Marshall. I discussed my favorite joke in Ben There, Dan That (in what is probably the least popular video I've ever made that wasn't asking for money), but was also dismayed that the game was never that clever again. But this one is, several times over! Progression here involves cheating your way to a better respawn zone, goofing around in game menus, exploiting "glitches," exiting out and loading up entirely other games. There is a lot of poking and prodding at what a game of this nature can or should be.

But, honestly? The only real selling point is... it was funny. The humor is as anarchic and metatextual as in previous titles, but it feels good-natured in a way BT,DT didn't. And there are, here and there, little bits of meat on its bones - the characters wondering if, as a couple thirtysomething white guys, the world hasn't left them behind, no longer comfortable with the juvenile humor of their youth but not really understanding the youth of today, but having not yet fully escaped the mentalities they used to hold. (There's an unspoken humor to Dan's idea of "modern" gameplay being 2D platforming mechanics, especially at a time when adventure games are significantly more popular than on his last outing; this is a good joke whether or not it's intentional.)

Also: this game contains the most poignant urinating-on-a-grave puzzle in gaming history, and you may quote me on that.

Having finished it months ago, I can't even remember what all the gags were that tickled me at the time. Comedy fades from memory faster than drama or frustration. Mostly I just remember having a good time.

Thoughts on The Darkside Detective

Here's a hook: sometime after the mayhem ends in Ghostbusters, The Exorcist, Evil Dead 2, or some other paranormal blockbuster that you watched over and over in the 90's until the VHS wore out, some overworked detective has to come into your town and piece together what the hell happened.

This is his story.

It's a good gag, and the devs wring every drop from it. Existing in a world where these things are commonplace and you have to fit them into some notion of "police procedure" is just funny. Like, it's one thing to have a running gag where you keep observing the moon in outdoor scenes, commenting, with increasing hostility, that its behavior is suspicious (it has been present at multiple crime scenes); it's a slightly different thing when, given the things you've encountered, the moon being the Big Bad is actually somewhat possible.

The game is divided into six main cases and three bonus DLC missions (which come included in the base game now, and the third of which is the proper ending/setup for the sequel). You are the cop tasked to deal with The Other Side - and, when The Other Side bleeds into our own world, its cops have to deal with you. You have a sidekick with a mental maturity of about 6, which I guess makes you the straight man. (You have to grade on a curve to find a straight man in this game.) And you solve tasks like rounding up escaped gremlins or finding an AWOL lake monster all juxtaposed with mundane problems like inter-office squabbles and having not bought your Christmas presents early enough. It's (pleasantly) lo-res and sparsely isolated, so the dialogue and premise do most of the work, but they are ably up to the task.

The gameplay... not so much. I'm an adventure game lifer, so I can put up with a lot of nonsense. It's mostly straightforward inventory puzzles and occasional minigames. Most of the puzzles are fine enough. As the cases progress, things get more involved, and the DLCs especially involve some awful moon logic. And the minigames are not above using that same jumping peg puzzle you've solved in a dozen other games already. So gameplay ranges from serviceable to irritating, but it mostly exists to string together funny lines and silly images. (Christmas mall elves being secretly in service to Krampus - that's the kind of thing we're talking about here.) You won't feel much guilt for opening up a walkthrough; the puzzles aren't why you're here.

The sequel has just been released, and both games are cheap, so check them out if you feel like smiling.

Thoughts on The Procession to Calvary

It's rare for a game to be hilarious to look at.

The Procession to Calvary takes its name from the Bruegel painting. It also takes all it's graphics from Renaissance oil paintings, and the designer delights in making famously rendered heroes and religious icons steal, stab, fart, and swear.

A strong Terry-Gilliam-with-After-Effects vibe is what we're describing.

You play as a lady knight from a war that's just ended, which sucks for you because, in this age of peace, you're no longer authorized to kill. And killing's, like, you're whole thing. But the one person your new, pacifist king wouldn't stop you from killing is the warlord you just deposed, who fled to the South. So you embark on a nonsensical journey to seek out the one human on Earth you are authorized to kill, because killing is just The. Best. Ever.

Of the three games we're discussing, this is the most overtly cheeky, and, at times, the most scatological. I could've done with a bit less scatology, if I'm being honest, but the cheekiness is very winning. As with Lair of the Clockwork God, a lot of jokes could go either way - a field of people being tortured and a woman on a blanket selling commemorative torture merch could be painfully try-hard. But something about the victims being seemingly everyone ever crucified or broken on the wheel in a famous painting, and having them writhe on their crosses in a way that is both gruesome and goofy, and having a cacophonous soundtrack of their screams and moans that you will now imagine every time you look at one of those elegantly elegiac paintings from now on... it works. That the music score is being played by an extremely jaunty piper who dances behind you just out of sword's reach as you traverse the field pushes it over the top.

Oh, and the puzzles, while never hair-pullingly obtuse, will leave you stumped at times. Push past that to get the proper ending, but, if you're sick of trying, you can, at any point, just start stabbing your way through problems. Which, again: it takes a very deft touch to make "protagonist resorts to violence" actually funny rather than lazy and obvious. And maybe, in another game, the perfect timing of every animation, the clever quips, the careful contrast of cathedrals and high-society music halls with gleeful sword-swinging wouldn't be enough. But something about it being frickin' Renaissance paintings carries it the last mile.

This is probably the basest game of the three, but it's also the one that made me giggle the most. Having a BFA that required several art history classes may have something to do with it. But check this thing out.

[tmitransitioning]

I thought you said it's best if doctors know what you're taking and whats in your body to diagnose you properly. Wouldn't that be the same for deciding how insurance (or workers comp) work yet you didn't want to disclose you didn't have a scrotum. But that also means they will not cover 'female' medical issues that actually could occur.

it’s not right that insurance won’t cover “female” medical issues if your gender marker is changed: it’s just that it’s difficult for them to process it because our bodies don’t fit neatly into the boxes they’ve designed (uterus surgery, check.  delete this option if client has an M designation.  wait, this client needs a uterus surgery, does not compute).  When one of us needs surgery or another type of procedure, we have to fight for it (not even write appeals, but use logic pointing out that it’s a covered procedure on a covered human regardless of the gender marker). 

To speak to the other half of your question: I was going for a pre-employment physical.  I’ve had to have doctors check out my genitals many times for many various types of conditions (kidney stones, for example)- but “let's check you for a hernia type that only cis men can get” - which was making it clear to me that they were offering me this job assuming that I was cis, and that if i were to fail this physical i could have the job offer rescinded- and there was absolutely no reason to offer up my genitals for a hernia check that i couldn’t possibly have (there would be no possibility of me having this type of hernia in the future so no risk to me if i accepted the job and did not have a lack of the hernia documented)-- it could only potentially harm my chances of being allowed to progress in the job process.  It wasn’t a matter of “being properly diagnosed” but retaining body agency and avoiding discrimination.  And as i’ve talked about before: i will never tell you not to disclose things to your professionals-  i’ll only tell you why it’s a good idea to and talk about how i decide WHEN to. 

The difference between choosing not to disclose this to a strange pre-employment doctor and not telling them about hormones is: hormones can interact with medications (including anesthesia etc).  While I think it’s a good idea to form a relationship where you feel safe disclosing your history to your providers, I’m much more likely to encourage you to disclose HRT use than I am to fully disclose surgeries with new/unfamiliar doctors (that are not as likely to affect treatment- except on a case-by-case basis).  Times when I really think it’s important is times when the affected body part is involved (chest issues/top surgery; abdominal issues or genital and hysto/oophorectomy or vaginoplasty; genital or urinary issues and genital or urinary surgeries

I hope i was able to help clarify the different situations presented in your ask? 

mod mayhem

[mysynthfetish]

Ch-ch-ch-changes

So these things happened.

The first of the two Black Corporation synths I now own. Yes, two. One is no small feat in itself. This thing is weird. Right up my alley. Makes you re-think what you "know" about how to program an analog (or otherwise) synth. Yamaha definitely had a unique way of doing things, and they replicated it very well with this re-imagining of the great and venerable CS-80. I'm still getting to grips with this. Two identical parts arranged as horizontal rows, each with its own complete synth package (VCO, VCF, VCA), that can be mixed and then further manipulated with velocity and polyphonic aftertouch. I didn't have a controller that could do polyphonic aftertouch so I bought a used Launchpad Pro mk1 for cheap and it works fucking fine. This synth will keep me occupied and mystified for a good long time.

And this is the second Black Corp synth I have now. Kijimi. This thing is a fucking freak on meth. I haven't tried to program a sound yet because I'm still exploring the sounds it came loaded with, trying to figure out what exactly the fuck is going on. Loads of mod possibilities, and there's the polyphonic aftertouch here as well. Some really, really weird sounds in this thing. My only complaints about the Black Corp synths is the LED display is small as fuck so I have to break out the reading glasses or it's hopeless. THINK OF YOUR AGING CUSTOMERS! WHO ELSE HAS THE MONEY TO BUY THESE DAMN THINGS?! Yeah they totally are not cheap.

One I've wanted since I saw it new in the showroom ages ago back in Florida. This one was totally refurbished, new tact switches, red goo problem fixed, sliders rebuilt, washed, waxed and ready to go. Another Not Cheap synth. I'm still working my way around it. I downloaded patches made by Jexus and Conforce (had to buy those but that wasn't a problem). SO many things going on under the hood. Having physical, immediate control over just about everything is a godsend, satansend, whatever. Would be nice to have a waveform card though, as this lacks the super stock found in the later JD and JV series. That's about the only thing I can whinge about. Super nice synth.

Novation Peak. This is a beast too. Novation's best synth to date. I sold the Nova a few weeks back. Sold off a shitload of stuff actually. Did a huge freelance job and got a ginormous paycheck thus the synth mayhem. Anyway, this is a real gem of a synth. Sounds fantastic. Awesome that people like Legowelt are designing patches for it that you can download off their site or through the app they want you to get, which is no big deal at all. Super nice.

And now for the Holy Shit Hell Hath Frozen Over moment. I thought I'd take a chance, roll my dice, and check out a Mehringer synth. The Cat does not disappoint. Very solid construction, has a good heft to it, the knobs are much sturdier and less flimsy than expected, and it sounds fucking awesome. Totally blew me away. How much so? I bought a Mehringer Wasp. I built two Jaspers, so I think I know what a Wasp should sound like, and how one should behave, and they nailed it. The Wasp to me is not a very exciting synth, I mean it certainly lacks in the modulation department compared to the Cat, but it sounds nice in its own way, and can do its own thing. Honestly I'm on the hunt for a Pro-1 now. Totally threw me for a loop, these synths. Still don't like Mehringer for their business practices, but these clones are way nicer than the Roland Boutique series, larger and easier to tweak, and they feel much more well-built. Here's something to entertain you for a second that showcases the sounds of some of these new machines of mine:

See ya in a minute.