#Dennis the Polar Bear Who is Very Well-Connected

[howtohero]

#238 Snow Missions

As a superhero you’re going to be expected to fight off crime, existential threats, and whatever we’ve agreed to classify that formless blob that keeps shouting everybody’s deepest, darkest secrets from the top of the Eiffel Tower as. You’re going to have to fight crime at any time, in any place, and in any wether. Which means that you’re going to have to be prepared to fight crime under any conditions. Fighting in the snow or the cold (in the Arctic, in the Antarctic, inside the giant cooler that some hardcore bros launched into space to keep their beers “space cool” whatever that means) is no easy feat, you have to work hard to both survive the fight with the bad guys, and the biting horrible cold. So let’s prep for that why don’t we!

Right off the bat, you need to design a cool arctic-variant version of your regular costume. If you’re going to be fighting under conditions where it’s twice as likely that you’ll die, you might as well look cool doing it. Add some fluffy insulation to your costume, a nice fur lined hood, snow-goggles to protect from snow-blindness and might as well toss in some retractable ski poles and boots that contain pop-out skis. Make the costume all white for maximum camouflage potential and also to maybe give the other guys snow-blindness if they haven’t prepped properly like you have. Attach a thermos full of hot coffee to your utility belt and you’re good to go! No matter where you go people will respect you, because you are a person who is prepared to fight crime in the snow, and like we said, that’s twice as deadly as fighting crime most anywhere else.

Fighting in the snow is going to be a lot different from fighting in the urban setting I’m going to assume you’re used to. (It will also be different from fighting crime in desserts, jungles, the ocean, space, and inside your buddy Arnold’s immune system.)  If you’re up to your chest, waist, knees, or toes in snow, it’s going to be a lot harder to move around with any sort of adroitness or agility. You’re better off finding someway to fly or hover above the snow while fighting bad guys who are most likely going to be a lot more prepared to fight in the snow than you are. Since superheroes, by their very nature, are often going place in order to respond to crimes that are already in progress, the villains that you’re going to be facing in the snow have probably been there longer than you and have had more time to prepare for a fight. That’s not even taking into consideration yetis, frost giants, hyperboreans, Clyde the Polar Bear Who is a Jerk, or other villains and creatures who live their whole lives in the frost. All in all, unless you’re a snow-themed superhero who’s got an ice castle, a snow-mobile and training in the ancient and mystic art of throwing icicles with deadly precision, you’re going to want to spend as little time as possible on the snowy ground when fighting in snowy locales. (If you’re wondering, Clyde the Polar Bear Who is a Jerk was named by the polar bear matriarch, Georgia the Polar Bear who is Good at Naming Other Polar Bears.) 

We’re savvy enough to know that you’re unlikely to be called into to deal with crimes in a good chunk of the snowy areas on Earth. Most of them are simply too boring to have anything as cool as a supervillain base or a portal to a warlike civilization in the Earth’s core. If you’re going somewhere icy and remote it’s probably going to be one of these interesting locations:

The Antarctica Olympic Training Grounds: For years Antarctica has been snubbed and neglected by the Olympics. While the rest of the world has gotten together every few years for a fun romp of sports and judgement, Antarctica has sat alone and forgotten. But Antarctica will not forget. Sure, they do not have a team yet, but soon they will, and then, oh-ho-ho, then they’ll see. Then they’ll all see.

The Iceberg what sunk that ship that one time: You’ve all seen the movie. Sure, this iceberg hasn’t done much since that fateful night in 1912, but did you know it’s actually been trying its hand at filmmaking? Rumor has it that this iceberg has been seen meeting with dozens of movie executives pitching its idea for a Titanic 2 in which a dashing and dedicated iceberg hunts down the survivors of Titanic crash. 

The North Pole: Admitted it is very unlikely that you’ll be summoned here. Santa can generally take care of himself. Did you know he was one of Earth’s first superpowered defenders? He’s spending his retirement making toys and giving them out at random, (After years of awaiting my gifts and receiving only coal, I’ve determined that Santa’s system must be random. It has to be.) but that doesn’t mean he can’t kick butt if he needs to. 

THE SNOW VORTEX: Have you ever looked outside wistfully, wishing it was a snow day so you wouldn’t have to go into school and present your terrible dreadful very bad 45 presentation on why the lizard who sells car insurance on tv is the only father figure you’ll ever need? Well wish no longer, because THE SNOW VORTEX (the caps are his not mine, that’s how its spelled on his business cards) is a snowstorm for hire. All you have to do is call his 1-800 number and he’ll come to your town and just go crazy. He’s a living snow storm, and he’s gonna make your lives a living snow hell. Do not hire this man. He has no restraint. 

The Fortress of Salty ‘Tude: This is an ice fortress whose construction was funded by all of the UN’s member states so that people who have perpetually salty attitudes could have a place to gripe while leaving the rest of us with some peace and quiet. If you’re called to deal with a disturbance there, bring earplugs, and don’t expect to be thanked.

The portal that we described earlier: Somewhere in Antarctica there is a portal that leads straight down into the Earth’s core. Therein lies the magical province of Tarkavia. In Tarkavia everybody loves three things: magic, fancy cheeses, and war. (It’s generally a toss up between the cheeses and the war.) The rest of the planet first learned of Tarkavia in the mid 1970s when two scientists just up and fell down the portal. The Tarkavians had invented cellphones like way before the rest of us, using magic, and the scientists had plenty of cheese on them, (They were in Antarctica to study cheese.) so they had no trouble getting a message back to the rest of civilization. So if you’re ever called to help fight supervillains in Tarkavia, bring plenty of cheese, and plenty of weapons, because you’re probably going to need to fight in a war.

One of the few benefits to fighting in a frigid wasteland is that you rarely have to worry about causing any collateral damage. (The other benefit is, of course, the rare opportunity to network with yetis, frost giants, hyperboreans and Dennis the Polar Bear Who is Very Well-Connected.) When there are no buildings around you simply do not have to worry about destroying any buildings. So you can really go all out. The only exception to this is if you’re a heat-based superhero. Then, you need to be careful not to melt any glaciers or anything as that can have severe ecological consequences. Do your part in fighting climate change, not causing it.

Superheroes need to be prepared to act heroically wherever they are needed. To that end you need to prepare to fight in the cold, the snow, sleet, the living polar vortex or anywhere else your services might be called upon. So practice your fistfighting while snowboarding down a mountain, your snowball making skills, your avalanche survival skills (protip: avalanches are often caused by loud noises. This is because the snow on the mountains gets startled and starts running down hill, to escape the loud noise. If you plant your feet, stand your ground, and talk in soothing tones to the avalanche, it should settle down and you’ll be fine.) and your ice fishing skills. You’re likely to need at least one of them, if not all of them, who knows how out of hand things might get. When it comes to polar adventures, things tend to snowball.