#Dean Forrester Not Acting Like Buttzilla For Once

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls-Season 2, Episode 3 ("Red Light On The Wedding Night")

Don't forget to visit the Denise Rewatches Gilmore Girls tag for all of my past reviews! Rory: Mom, the house is burning down, and you can save the cake or me, what do you choose? Lorelai: Well, the cake doesn't have legs. Rory In A Later Episode: Mom, the house is burning down and you can save Jess or your shoes, what do you save? Lorelai: That depends, did he start the fire? So what's up with Rory and this very specific hypothetical about her house burning down, incinerating herself and her loved ones, and Lorelai's nonchalant responses?

Kirk Job: Wedding Photographer

Is this how Milo Ventimiglia talks on dates? This is definitely how Milo Ventimiglia talks on dates.

M&L: "Are you ready for me?" "I'm always ready for you." "Full time?" "I insist." Gross. Lorelai casually mentions that Max will be moving in *cough* No he Wont* *cough* so at least they had that discussion. Dean and Rory are walking and talking about what movies to watch and apparently Rory has seen several movies where someone "does something disgusting with a cow". What the hell kind of tapes are they carrying at Stars Hollow Video, exactly? Also who the hell do these two they think they are, Jess and Rory in Season 3, Episode 18, Happy Birthday Baby? Walking hand in hand while talking about movies? Luckily Lane is nowhere to be found to call them a cute agoraphobic couple. Can we also talk about Rory's obsession with making her boyfriends go on double dates with her mother? Another case for Rory desperately needing another friend her own age, one who's actually allowed to leave the house and interact with the opposite sex. I heard that Lindsay Lister is a nice gal. Dean will eventually go on at least two double dates with Lorelai that I can recall. Three if you count that episode where they watched Willy Wonka. There's this episode and another with Luke in season 5, the one with the Bop It (and what a great scene it was, because Luke was really sick of Dean's shit at that point). Then Rory/Logan Lorelai/Luke go to Martha's Vineyard (isn't this one of the most hated episodes of the entire series?) Poor Luke and Max just want some special grown up alone time with Lorelai without her daughter and her boyfriends getting in the way. I'm telling you once more that the men of Stars Hollow would all be a lot less cranky if handjobs were given more freely. Now there's a town event that everyone could get behind (or in front of). Dean and Rory also have a secondary, looong, pointless discussion about the precise date of their anniversary (since they keep breaking up and geting back together). Why do I feel a sense of DeJaVu? It's because a walk-n-talk discussion about the precise date of their anniversary already happened once before.

Between the Donna Reed dinner, this, the Debuntate Ball, and all the other wacky endeavors that Rory ropes Dean into, you can't help but feel a small pang of sympathy for ol GarbageFace McButt Forrester.

Dean: "One handjob per anniversary? Please?" I feel so lost and without purpose whenever Dean isn't acting like a total Turtle Anus. LG to Max: I like watching you cook. Max: I like you watching me cook. Gross.

What's with all the cow jokes in this episode? Rory's top is a pretty color. Dean's advice to Max re: The Gilly Girls

Don't use the last of the parmesan cheese because Rory likes to take it into her room and do mysterious things with it. Dean's other pieces of advice to Max for surviving the Gilly Girls are: Don't start a discussion late at night because that's when they're cranky, go along with their jokes, they'll blame you if they over eat, and no matter how crazy you think they are they'll just keep upping the crazy and you won't be able to keep up. "If you're eating pizza and Lorelai decides that the pepperoni is mad at the mushrooms because the mushrooms have attitude and then she holds up a pepperoni and the pepperoni asks for your opinion, don't just laugh. Answer the pepperoni." Ah yes this all sounds perfectly normal and sane Max should not be at all concerned about who he's about to (not) marry.

One small step above vanilla is just about what I would have guessed for Max's favorite ice cream flavor. Lor & Max are having a discussion about what it means for Max to be Rory's stepdaddy. Which brings us to another installment (one of many) of Lorelai Gilmore The Big Huge Fucking God Damn Hypocrite Theater. Max: Say you're not here, and I come home at 11pm and I find Dean and Rory making out on the couch? What do I do? Lorelai BHFGD Hypocrite Gilmore *shrugs*: They're teenagers, they can kiss. Lorelai BHFGD Hypocrite when she finds (teenagers, actually 18 year old adults at that point) Jess and Rory making out on the couch (during the daytime):

People I am NOT looking forward to suffering through the Jess seasons again. Stick a fork in my eye, it would be less painful.

Lorelai: I've already raised Rory. Max: So what is my role here?

I don't typically say my thoughts out loud as I'm watching but this time I said "Lorelai you dumbass" outloud. Max: What does being your "fella" entail? Lorelai: All things dirty. Gross. Max: Marriage is taking two seperate lives and melding together. How is that gonna work? Lorelai: Idk. Max: Have you given it any thought at all? Lorelai: Not really. Yeah Lorelai is a dumbass but to be fair they don't call him Max Proposes Marriage Over The Phone Twice Medina for nothing, either. Lorelai kisses Max to distract him from thinking about the fact that she has given no thought to their future. Max:Not fair. Lorelai: I have a lingerie drawer full of Not Fair, Mister. Gross.

Luke beans Taylor right in the eye with some kind of unidentified flying object. Beautiful. Taylor has bought in a crew to install a traffic light and metered crosswalk in front of Luke's, and boy is he unhappy about that. The usual gaggle of unemployed townies without anything productive to do have also gathered in front of the diner. Taylor asks if anyone is concerned about a recent spate of near fatal car accidents. Here is where I'd usually wish for a car to hit Dean Forrester but he hasn't been terrible in this episode so I guess I'll lay off the death wishes just this once.

God, Luke was hot. How did Lorelai even entertain the thought of boring, chocolate-chip-ice-cream loving Max Medina? How did she manage to wait 5+ years to finally fuck Luke?

Babette: Stick your hand down the front of a guy's pants for me! She is my kindred spirit.

He gets me hot when he talks like that. #Quack Needless to say, this was the start of a (mini) Luke Rant™ about marriage.

The gals + MIchel have managed to escape The Hollow for one night. They venture into the Real World™ to visit a drag club for Lorelai's bachelorette party, where they think they have any shot in hell of convincing a bouncer that 16 year old shivering chihuahua Rory is an adult who belongs there.

Max phones Lorelai during his bachelor party from the hospital after his brother tried to leapfrog over a parking meter. Max is shown in the hospital waiting room . His brother is released. Absolutely nothing comes of this pointless scene. Lorelai tells him to take his brother to a strip club, because as we saw when Luke visits a strip club with his teenage nephew and brother in law, nothing says male family bonding like naked ladies.

Excellent word, I approve.

Rory and Lorelai give a stumbling and unconvincing speech about Rory being an 18 year old model from Germany and Meathead McGee here gives her a sly smile and lets her in without checking any ID. Yep.

Remember how I said I don't actually talk to myself outloud while watching this show? Well, that's twice in one episode now because I just said "What the fuck!" very loudly. No seriously what the fuck? We learn this is Michel's evil doing. Inviting Emily just for shits and giggles. Emily has had too much to drink so she is actually pleasant company for once and barely complains. Emily and Dean are both on their best behavior in this episode, hell hath frozen over. Emily and Patty trade marriage/wedding stories. Patty has been married four times. Emily fries Lorelai's brain by making her realize she doesn't love Max as much as Emily loved Richard.

Nevermind Dean Forrester Face-Looks-Like-A-Butt, the more important question is, what is she holding? As a fellow Millennial like Rory, I love seeing old, early 2000's technology on tv shows. I took a deep dive and it was called an AOL Mobile Communicator.

Rory is recieving instant messages from Butthead, Sookie calls Jackson (even though she told everyone "no one is allowed to call boys tonight" before they got into the club), Emily is wistful about Richard, and Lorelai is just getting bummed the hell out surrounded by all these ladies happy with their romantic lives. Lorelai picks up her cell phone. Me Having a Casual Thought: Okay, Lorelai is drunk and depressed and lonely. What is she going to do? Ha, I bet she'll call Christopher or something!

Okay Ladies and Gents, we now have our third outloud WHAT THE FUCK of this episode. MAJOR what the fuck! This is my fourth time watching the show and I don't remember this happening. It goes to show you this show is unpredictable in its predictability and how endlessly rewatchable it is because you just FORGET stuff. And what is the purpose of this call? It's to rub it in Christopher's face that she's getting married. Not so fast there, Lorelai. *points to the title of the episode*

Did you know the actor who plays Christopher, David Sutcliffe, is actually a total douchecanoe in real life too? #DoucheCanoeTrivia

Christopher DoucheCanoe asking the important 2001 questions. In the fashion of the many other long and pointless conversations in this episode, they have a long, pointless conversation about Max's taste in music which Lorelai hints at but won't outright admit is (obviously) very lame. Lorelai is trying to convince herself that Max is worth marrying because her feet are getting brrr chilly cold and for some reason she thought Christopher DoucheCanoe would settle her doubts, it doesn't work. Obviously.

This will be me after watching every Jess episode again. The next day Lorelai is hung over and Max shows up at the Inn where Max is upset that their wedding is like, tomorrow, and Lorelai still hasn't given him a set of keys to her (their) house. Max tells Lorelai to "think about someone other than yourself for a few minutes a day." Ah, the sweet sounds of stark, brutal honesty.

Luke is a darling. Luke: You can't stand under the hot sun, on this lawn that hasn't been mowed in weeks. I guess he doesn't mow. Lorelai: Max isn't a mower. Luke: I'll mow it if you want. He's hot, he's opinionated, he builds stuff AND he mows women's lawns freely and without complaint. Of course Max doesn't "mow Lorelai's lawn." But Luke is up for the job. Lorelai: Is it okay that we're not Jewish? Will God smite us if we stand underneath it? Luke: God would probably have to get a permit from Taylor to do any smiting on a weekend. That made me laugh out loud. Luke slightly softens his stance on marriage. "I guess if you can find that one person who is willing to put up with all your crap and doesn't want to change you or dress you or make you eat French food, then marriage can be alright. But only if you find the right person." The episode ends with Lorelai telling Rory to pack for a road trip as she's backing out of her engagement because Max is boring and Luke is hot and better and can mow her lawn all day and night. Here's Michel dancing:

The next episode, Road Trip to Harvard, is one of my top 10 favorite episodes. It's light, breezy fun so I'm looking forward to the last bit of calm before the Jess Mariano ShitStorm blows in.