#DCP Depression

[emlovessid]

6 years ago today i clocked out of my last shift at disney and i'm feeling really emo about it

[bruins35]

Overnight Diary Entry No. 5

Hello Void,

Sorry for the little break, but I think on weekends I'm going to just use that to decompress from work and relax.

Well, yesterday was my ex-girlfriend's birthday, the one that I was in a mentally abusive relationship. This entry seems like a perfect time to just talk about it, and type it out what it caused me. Will use the name Tina for this one. Before I start, let me just say Tina and I have talked things over about this relationship, and have moved on from any bad feelings from this relationship. Tina was my first love, and will always have a place in my heart.

Tina and I met in one of those Disney College Program facebook groups. We instantly hit it off with a bunch of others, and would group video chat through out the year as we wait for all of us to move to Florida and work for WDW. The only difference from the group with Tina and I is that Tina and I continued talking outside the group. We got very close, and decided since we'll be meeting in WDW, and we video chat a lot decided to jump into a Relationship.

Let me start of with this was my first long term relationship, and obviously made mistakes. If anyone outside of a couple friends I gave a link to my tumblr reads this. Let me describe myself, I'm a bigger guy, or heavyset gentleman, I didn't consider myself attractive (still don't), and had self-esteem issues. If I could go back in time, and have the person I am now do this relationship, it probably would've either went on a lot longer or I personally would've ended it.

I knew Tina had depression, she told me, but I don't really remember if she told she had anxiety. We met, early morning before we had to meet at Vista Way to check in. I was so happy to see this Beautiful Latina woman, and couldn't believe how lucky I was to have her as my girlfriend.

As we started to get into a routine, everyone started training except me, for some odd reason my didn't start until like two weeks after I arrived lmao. We slowly started having arguments over little shit, and then as the months would go on it seemed like she purposely would poke me to get into arguments. Till this day it annoys the shit out of me lol.

When we would have a big blow out argument, she would "break up" with me. So, me being a male, working at Disney, being told "You're gay until proven Straight" which is a very mind boggling statement that's besides the point, I would start messaging other girls, and potentially flirty with them. Now after a few days of a big argument Tina would want to get back together.

Now, Tina at times would check my computer with my facebook up, and see these messages and accuse me of cheating. I'd inform her these messages would happen when she would yell and break up with me, so I was technically single when any of these messages happened. We'd have a big blow out argument, she'd break up with me again, and with out my knowledge we'd be together again.

One day during the DCP, she told me she was going to commit suicide, and I was at work. I freaked out, had to talk to my leader to reach out to her leadership team to check in on her. Only for me to find out she was working at that time. Let me just say this, Tina was on Suicidal watch before, so I couldn't take this as a bluff or anything like that. Now let this be a cursor of what would become of our future relationship.

After her DCP program, we decided to move in together, which hindsight probably wasn't smart considering we still had our arguments. Well when we all moved into this apartment, and we officially lived together, she got annoyed that I played video games. I barely played my games because most of the time I spent my time either working or with her. So, that'd cause an argument.

It felt like she constantly looked for reasons to argue with me, it got so bad to the point it gave me a anxiety attack. Through all this though, I still loved her and wanted to be with her even if she caused me to realize what depression is and that I had since I was in High school.

She would constantly accuse me of cheating, and let me just say I never cheated on this Woman. I loved her too god damn to do something like that, she met my family, met my best friend, and saw my become a godfather. Why the fuck would I cheat on her, but anyways this leads to me eventually starting to think she might have cheated on me.

She eventually got hired to do HHN, and also got hired to be a character which she wanted to do with Disney. Tina would get upset if I was up late texting anyone, which IMO if I was it was my guy friends, or trying to trade shifts so I can spend time with her on her day off.

Well, she met one of the parade characters at universal that would play drums on the float, and she wanted to learn. This guy would text her constantly and late into the night. I finally confronted her on that and told me she wasn't cheating. (If she wasn't cheating if I had to guess she was at least emotionally cheating.)

I'm going to skip ahead here after the break up because this getting very long lol. We would end up going to dinner a couple/few years after where everything kind of felt right for us, and we discussed maybe getting back together since we were older, and changed. Well a couple days later shows she is in a relationship on facebook and like 2 months later married lol. They're now divorced.

I believe last year we ended up getting dinner when I visited Florida, she admitted that every guy I was Sus about she hooked up with supposedly after we broke up. I don't if I can believe that, but yeah, after that Dinner she actually went MIA on me, didn't respond to me, and ignored any DM's from me. She only just responded to me yesterday which i have to expect is because of her Birthday.

I won't lie and say I don't love her, because I do, but I've long moved on and got closure from her. I'm for the most part happy in my life, and trying to improve my mental health. I did leave out something's but honestly it wouldn't have changed much about this.

Have good night void.

[momentswithmolly]

brb, crying

currently listening to Wishes and feeling all the emotional.

[waltdisneyconfessions]

When I was in high school I was really excited to do the DCP. Now I’m in college and my depression and anxiety is so bad that I don’t think I can do it.

[blasegirlsclub]

Raise a hand if you remember that time you worked hard for a year to find a job that was below my qualifications and then you got laid off from said job after only working for two months and you are super depressed over the losing a job you grew to love and having money in the bank and don’t forget all the cool friends I was just starting to make ......... oh that didn’t happen to you? Must just be me then.

[falyakonsdiary]

I'm honestly incredibly nervous about doing the Disney College Program next semester. Actually nah, scratch that, more like terrified.

SO. I've decided I'm gonna try and get a bunch of stuff that makes me happy together to do a board/wall thing of happiness and reminders and goals to keep me in a good head space while I'm there! I'm collecting stuff now, and I'll make sure I have a couple good books and stuff to keep me on track too during those low days.

I think when you have anxiety, and when life is really good (ha), depression to boot, it gets easy to just sit and stew about how shitty everything seems. Or you just buy stuff or see friends or escape into fantasy or stay home alone to avoid your problems. Doing something productive like this is a good way to put that energy into something that, long term, can help you feel much better about yourself and keep positivity in the back of your mind. Shut down some of those negative thoughts and remember the good things that will come to pass if you put your mind to it- and the bad things are never too much for you to handle.

Just something to keep in mind.

[midnight-train-of-thought]

I just realized, I can be just about anything I want. I can do just about anything. In high school, it feels like college is the end of your life. Everything builds up to it. Ever since Kindergarten, everything we’ve done is so that we can get into a good college. And then, get a good job that makes a lot of money. It feels like my life is almost over at 17. We’ve been instructed to take specific classes in order to get into the college we want or career we want, and we have to do specific extracurriculars and volunteering so that it “looks good” for college. Of course these things are important, but you should only volunteer or be in a club if you care about what you’re doing. There are so many people in my school’s NHS that do the bare minimum volunteer hours and complain the entire time. What really makes be sad is hearing seniors being asked what they’re going to major in, and they reply with, “Umm, probably business? I’m not super interested in it but I’ve heard you can make a decent amount of money.”  There’s nothing wrong with going into college undecided, but when there are so many kids doing that and feeling forced to decide on a major they aren’t passionate about…it really depresses me.  I hear my 20-something year old coworkers talking about how they’re stuck at this barista job and want to go back to college and start their own restaurant or business but they don’t have enough money and how they are so depressed and we young kids don’t know how terrible the world is. I want to correct them, say that you can be anything, say that they can leave their job, move to Germany, go to school, all for cheap. I wonder why they say that when the world is so vast. Why stay in your town, your state, your country your entire life? Why would anyone do that?! But I read books. I watch movies. I see the news. I know that I am privileged. I don’t have anyone counting on me to provide. I don’t care about disappointing my family (well, maybe a little) because it’s MY life. I want to help people that aren’t as fortunate as me, but I don’t want to be forced into a 9-5 job that I hate in order to do so; to get enough money for everything I want.  But you can do most things for cheap if you know how and are willing to work for it. Living in a different country or even a different state doesn’t really cost any more than living close by. You could do WWOOFing, au pairing, or work as a barista in any country, or even your own.  Anyway, back to what I was saying:

I realized that I am at a point in my life where I could be or do anything. I could go to college… or not. I could go to art school or culinary school or a trade school. I could take a gap year, or two! I could go to school in another country, or go to school two hours away. I could go to a small historically women’s college on the east coast that looks like a castle or I could go to a futuristic-looking school with over 20,000 students in sunny California. I could work at Disney World or do the DCP program, I could become an actor or just work behind the scenes at Warner Bros Studios and see movie stars every day. I could start a business now or in thirty years that could become known all across the world or a tiny bakery or 50s style soda fountain that’s the favorite hangout spot for teens and college kids. I could start a nonprofit or volunteer abroad in refugee camps or schools. I could discover a love for archeology and dig up 20,000 year old mammoth fossils, or astronomy and chart the stars. I could learn karate and gymnastics and swordplay and archery and become a superhero (for real or at Disneyland). I could start a reality show or summer camp based on The Selection series and let teen girls become princesses-in-training and teach them horseback riding and archery and how to waltz. I could buy a french château or start a bed and breakfast or become a CIA agent - living out my childhood fantasies. Or I could climb the corporate ladder and crush men who get in my way. I could become a bestselling novelist, a street artist, or compete on Chopped. I could become a scuba instructor in Fiji or work as a tour guide or gap year counselor. I could learn 5 languages or work as a reporter or for the UN. I could do any number of these things and more.

My fate isn’t sealed at the end of high school, or even the end of college. I can take as long as I need to fulfill my goals and dreams. Maybe I’ll discover a passion for science or architecture in 20 years and pursue that. There’s no need to rush into my career or even marrying and starting a family. I have my entire life to do whatever I want. I get caught up in what everyone around me is doing and preparing for and I really need to stop and think, “are my goals the same as theirs?”  I guess I’ll just have to figure that out. Here’s to you figuring out your path, too :)

[gothedistance-dcpadventures]

Post Disney Depression is definitely a thing

I really suck at updating this but I figured why not. 

This is a small rant. I’m sorry folks. I think I’m gonna start updating this blog a little more with pictures and stuff and maybe advice for the new DCPers. Let me know what y’all want to see! 

 I’m planning on applying to the Alum program next summer along with some professional internships. 

It’s been a year. Well over a year since I started my college program. Less than a year since I finished. I miss it. SO Much. 

When I returned from Disney, I went almost straight into Spring Semester at school give or take a few weeks. It was so hard for me. I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone. My disney friends barely text me and it was just so hard. I lost all motivation and I couldn’t focus. I ended up going to the university counseling. I’ve actually told only two people that I went. I honestly needed to talk to someone. I was having such a hard time adjusting back. The lady who I talked to suggested I was experiencing a mild case of Reverse Culture shock. Going from working 50 hour weeks straight back into school full time was similar but quite a different experience. 

It got better eventually over the semester, I started to feel comfortable around my friends again. I had thought that when I was gone they would forget me. They reassured me multiple times that that wouldn’t be the case but they never talked to me when I was there, how was I supposed to know! 

I went back down to disney for Spring Break in March with tickets I got from participating in Candlelight Choir. I visited my friends in Norway and was able to go to Disneyland Paris in May. And I took a whirlwind trip back down to Florida in July to visit. These helped so much. Summer happened and I don’t know. now that I’m back into school again, I feel everything that got better last spring just gone. I miss it so much again. I want to go back. Sometimes I wish I never left, even though I know things wouldn’t have stayed the same. I wish I could’ve extended, even though I wanted to get back into school.

Last week was hard. Tuesday, I felt so horrible. I really just didn’t want to be here. I mentioned to someone that I just wanted to hop a plane and get to disney. I almost broke down crying multiple times. I just wanted to talk to my friends. Everytime I tried to coordinate a video chat with my old roommate, something would get in the way with her. I love her but I really needed to talk to someone and she fell asleep. I was just so frustrated. 

I ended up video chatting one of my other best friends from disney and I talked with ehr for two and a half hours just about everything. How hard it’s been lately and how I was feeling. I broke down multiple times during that call. She told me how she felt everything had changed because almost  all her best friends had left. We talked about stories from working in the showcase and she made me laugh. I just miss everyone so much. 

And thats the thing, I may miss the place and how it makes me feel, but I miss the people so much more. 

[elizabethvaughns]

colour symbolism in if/then

long (1150 words), so i put a line break :)

the verses:

in liz-verse, there are two main colour palettes. the first is a pale yellow-yellow ochre gradient.

pale yellow symbolizes joy and new beginnings. yellow ochre is an earthy yellow that is one of the oldest pigments in existence. while not specifically yellow ochre, the closest symbolism i could find for it is creation and life. it is evident enough why such a colour palette would be used in liz-verse, especially act one liz-verse. before "i hate you", liz-verse is, objectively, the happier timeline of the two.

the second dominating colour palette is a sunset sort of gradient (yellow, pink, and purple), which is seen starting "this day" and also at the beginning of "hey, kid".

as previously asserted, yellow symbolizes joy and new beginnings. pink symbolizes love. purple symbolizes devotion. the sunset as a whole symbolizes beauty, love, and calmness. these symbolisms add up since this color gradient first makes an appearance at liz and josh's wedding. moreover, the events leading up to "i hate you" could be considered "the calm before the storm".

in the common verse, the most dominant colour palette is purple (as seen in the "do i go there with lucas or stay here with kate?" interlude). purple is a secondary colour and a mix of red (mainly liz-verse palette) and blue (mainly beth-verse palette). the common verse is one completely outside the influence of either of the two verses and yet still intermediate to the two of them. hence, its colour palette is intermediate as well. moreover, purple also symbolizes ambition, which is a key character trait of elizabeth.

in beth-verse, there are again two dominant colour palettes.

the first is a blue colour palette. blue symbolizes intuition, intelligence, confidence, and wisdom. this colour palette is mostly prevalent in act 1 when beth begins to rise in her career.

the second is a sky blue-green gradient which is seen once in "a map of new york" when beth goes on the blind date, and, most iconically, throughout "some other me". sky blue symbolizes tranquility and reliability. green can symbolize a need for growth. these meanings, taken in the context of "some other me", indicate two things: one, the "reliability" is ironic because lucas was far from a reliable friend to beth, and two, lucas does need growth.

specific songs:

"what if?", pre-timeline split + "what if? (reprise)", park set up: the colour gradient in the background of these scenes is a lavender and mint-green (-ish) gradient. lavender has feminine and romantic connotations. mint green can represent freshness and tranquility. both timelines have romance in them, to varying degrees. moreover, elizabeth's move back to new york is a sort of "fresh start" for her. the repetition of this colour palette in "what if? (reprise)" is a callback to "what if?" as indicated by the lyrics of the song during the presence of that colour palette: "here's how it starts and here's how it ends"

"what if?", elizabeth's entrance: this is a gradient of light green and leaf green. as previously mentioned, greens represent new beginnings.

"ain't no man manhattan": several colour palettes take effect here. the first verse has a sort of subway map in the background in pinks and purples. moreover, in the scene where lucas meets david, the background is a mix of pinks, purples (and some blues). while pink evidently symbolizes romance, pink, purple, and blue are also the colours of the bisexual flag. another colour palette in this song is seen in the second anmm refrain (lucas, josh + the rest at the baseball game). this colour palette, in specific, is a gradient of lime green and cantaloupe/light orange. lime green represents high energy and liveliness. light orange represents enthusiasm, change, and determination. the aforementioned symbolisms represent lucas to a t.

"no more wasted time", the final scene right before the press conference: there is a green background. green symbolizes new beginnings and growth. and beth certainly grows in terms of her character and her career.

"hey, kid": the most dominant colour palettes in this song are turquoise and green. while blue-green shades are mainly reserved for beth-verse, green symbolizes new beginnings (jake's birth). turquoise symbolizes protection and hope: "i will watch you / and protect you / i promise, kid / we'll be okay".

"best worst mistake": while the colour palette is initially that of early act 2 liz-verse (sunset), it shifts to a red-orange palette. red symbolizes love and excitement. orange represents enthusiasm and happiness. this is an incredibly enthusiastic and happy song, and it definitely fits the scene as lucas and david profess their love for each other (and enthusiastically as well). moreover, these hues resemble a sunrise, indicating the dawn of something new for the two.

"i hate you", liz sings to jake and coop: during this scene, the background is not the standard yellow. instead, it's the characteristic blue of act 1 beth-verse. however, it symbolizes something different here. here, blue symbolizes sadness and loss. both of which liz has experienced prior to this specific verse. despite that, the blue may, at the same time, also represent reflection and loyalty ("whatever comes / whatever i must do / it's me and you, me and you / it's me and you")

"the moment explodes" just prior to the song: when beth and the other passengers have to brace, red lights flash. fairly self-intuitive, but (flashing) red generally represents danger.

"love while you can", before beth comes in: the colour palette is a gradient of, by my best estimation, navy blue and gray. navy blue symbolizes seriousness (like anne was not "serious enough" about their relationship). gray symbolizes neutrality and dullness. as how their relationship has "dulled out" over time.

"love while you can", "i believe that fate will find us": the dominant colour in this verse is red. red symbolizes anger (that kate feels toward anne's cheating) but it can also represent love and passion.

"love while you can", end: the background is a sort of sunset gradient, except more vivid than the one in liz-verse. sunsets can symbolize the end of something. this song represents the end of one particular chapter in kate and anne's relationship and, overall, the start of something new.

"what would you do?" + "hey it's me" monologue: the background is predominantly gray. gray symbolizes loss (of josh and maybe even anne) and depression (liz).

"what if? (reprise)", liz-verse: this scene, like "best worst mistake" has sunrise hues. the sunrise can represent new beginnings. a new beginning for liz is her new job at the DCP.

"what if? (reprise)", beth-verse: this scene, while maintaining its characteristic blue colours, has a sort of light blue-teal gradient. light blue symbolizes healing (emotional for basically all the beth-verse characters?) and teal represents clarity of thought. it is fairly clear how this plays into the scene, as beth (and even liz, for that matter) has a greater clarity when it comes to decisiveness.

[zealoptics]

Dropping In:

Presented by Ean Wood

A new series showcasing how outward adventures draw us inward. Follow along as Zeal ambassador Ean Wood connects with fellow ambassadors to hear perspectives on how outdoor passions connect them deeply with themself. Focusing on mental resilience, emotional awareness, present moment connection, and a plethora of practices that support these athletes in facing the extreme elements. ‘Dropping In’ is for those that learn more about themself through being outside.  

Several years ago I reached out to Zeal Optics with the hopes of becoming an ambassador. While snowboarding, I wanted to create less impact on the environment and Zeal was on the leading edge of eco-consciousness. I had just experienced a huge awakening in my life bringing attention to my daily decisions and the repercussions they have on the world around me. An annual trip to Chile for the Southern Hemisphere winter season led me to meet a human that would change my life forever. His name is Tamo Campos. Tamo is a fellow Zeal ambassador, inspiration, and dear friend of mine. Getting to know him many years ago inspired me to change and grow in so many areas of my life. A chain reaction happened from the information I was absorbing. I switched up all my sponsors for snowboarding, I made the deliberate choice to stop flying around the world to chase snow, and I invested in converting my truck to run on waste vegetable oil. He opened my eyes to the many ways that I was disrupting the symbiosis with this living planet. After awareness blossomed in me I couldn’t help but see potential impact happening everywhere in the world around me.

My connection to nature was strengthening. Every day in the mountains became a ceremony of life. Bringing awareness to every breath as an exchange with the plants and trees, feeling the sun rays warming my skin, and embracing the snow under my feet in a way I had not yet opened to. I no longer wanted to degrade this world I cared so much for.

I became obsessed. I went deep into rabbit holes of knowledge. Learning about waste, fossil fuels, manufacturing, pollution, soil degradation, and many other subjects. I followed Tamo for some time supporting him in his environmental activism. For me becoming aware of the destruction of the natural world was a painful transition. It's heartbreaking to live in a society that places sustainability at the bottom of the scale of importance. I got depressed. I was angry. I lingered in pain over how much guilt I felt. I was feeling the agony of everyday patterns such as pumping fuel in my car and throwing away trash.

My life was ridiculously gifted. I had sponsors, I was getting paid to enjoy my greatest passion, and all the while spending time with amazing people. I was living the life of my dreams.

But the truth was that I was suffering inside. . .

I can’t remember what cued my epiphany. . . It was almost as if it came from nowhere. A thought bubble from infinite space and possibility burst in my brain.

How could I expect people to care about the natural world around them?

They hardly cared about themselves. Consuming toxic chemicals, negative energy, drama, dysfunction, fear, and a plethora of degrading substances. Most of us were not raised in a society that taught us about personal care. At most, some of us received teachings of physical care, maybe a little on nutrition, but mental, emotional, and spiritual care barely get a whisper. Our attention has been drawn out of ourselves. Doing, achieving, acquiring, owning, and external appearance has been the general focus.

A very wobbly foundation to live and create from.

It became clear I was going about it all wrong. I was focused on a topic that was a bi-product, developed from a lack of leadership and wisdom.

Our inner worlds are full of turmoil and dis ease. Too much doing, not enough being. Without awareness, our perspectives are merely reactions accumulated from our life experiences. What is going on inside of us dictates how we feel about what happens around us. Mental health and emotional intelligence is something that affects every moment of every day. Humans commonly overeat, over-consume, medicate, and numb, in an attempt to feel better. As a species so much of our environmental impact comes from our attempts to feel happy and fulfilled. In our current society our ability to be present for life, to respond instead of reacting, to feel gratitude instead of scarcity, rests in the habits created from our upbringing.

Not many of us had perfect parents, exemplary teachers, or wise mentors. So as a community we can come together and share this knowledge built from experience. We are not setting ourselves up for success currently.

If we want to address the environmental issues we have to dig up the roots. Chopping off the tops of weeds will only result in them growing back later.

DROPPING IN is a new series focused on personal growth as a way to make an impact in the world. Zeal will be teaming up with ambassadors to share a variety of perspectives and life experiences.

Taking our attention inward. Diving into self-awareness.

Thoughts. Emotions. Breath. Presence. Needs. Love. Care. Balance. Mindfulness.

What is going on outside of us is a reflection of our inner turmoil. The natural world, the animals, the plants, the swimming creatures, and the birds in the sky all need us to get our act together. In this interconnected world, every little piece we improve in our own life ripples out to everyone we come in contact with.

I am so stoked to announce this journey to you. I also want to invite you to be a contributing force. Let us know what works well for you. Let us know the subjects you have questions on. Where you struggle. What you wish we would talk about. Comment, message us. I personally will be making sure to watch and listen to what is being said by the community.

This is a new journey and we need as many people involved as possible.

With the collective voices of so many, we can come together and increase transformation.

How you feel about your life, the perspectives of joy or misery, your awareness of the environmental impact, all rests on your inner development. No one else can do it for you, but we can walk this path together.

Just like any other adventure, let’s enjoy the journey and reach for those inner summits.

Get ready to DROP IN.

Tune into Zeal’s Instagram Thursday Jan 14th at 1PM MST for a live discussion with Ean Wood and DCP.

[bruins35]

Overnight Diary Entry 3

This is the same night, as I came back from my walk during my break at work. I decided I needed to talk about things that lead to my depression being so bad in Florida. For me to do that, I need to talk a bit about me first.

At a very young age, I believe I was Four years old, maybe Five, I was diagnosis with ADHD, and thrown into Special Education from there on out. You're probably wondering what that has to do with this, well for starters this was the early 90s, and well picture being with other kids that might have a worse learning disability than you, it stagnates your mental age. So going into high school, I told my doctor I wanted off my ADHD medication, and they put me in normal classes with one period for me to be able to get my homework done because I was slow with tests and getting essays done. So now imagine yourself being tossed in high school with your whole peer group and higher grade's when you were just constantly in the class with same students every year, it's jarring. You don't know how to talk to these other kids, you don't know how socialize with all these cliques and groups.

Now I move on to community college where I'm now if i had to give what my mental age was at, I was probably just entering High school for my Mental age. Thankfully I found friends that accepted me, until... half the group didn't after they all made up a lie to ruin a potential relationship because most of them all like this girl too, but she was into me. So, I lost a steady group of friends, but thankfully found more. I found one that to this day is one of my closest friends, and hope she's ready for when we turn 35 because we made a pact to marry each other, might be little jarring for her since I'm a guy and she's into women lol.

Anyways, while I'm still community college, I decided I want to do the DCP (Disney College Program) and pretty much start my life over. I move down there, meet my girlfriend at the time, and then go into whole new fucking world (no pun intended there). I'm probably finally catching up to the correct mental age until now I'm working with "adults" and other college age kids.

Now time to talk about stuff that honestly made my life a living fucking hell. I worked at my all time favorite attraction, and I wouldn't trade that in for the world. Honestly, if it was still their today, I'd probably be back working there. That's how much I loved that attraction and working it everyday. The issue was, I made some "really close friends" there that I thought we all understood each other. Well one friend apparently said I made an inappropriate joke. Now from what I know of this person from friends we have in common, she says some of the most inappropriate and dirty jokes. So they went to management on me, and i was never told the joke i supposedly said. So, no evidence nothing, but people believe them.

Another person, said I constantly hit on them and tried to get them to go out when they have boyfriend. Let me tell you, the first thing this person ever told me was they had BF, I never once flirted with her especially when she told me that. I respect peoples relationships, I won't interfere unless that person is a piece of shit and is abusing or cheating on them. So anyways, this person also apparently went to management, but was never brought to my attention, which makes me think management realized it was all lies.

Now this is when the REAL fucked up shit happens, now for some reason if i do have people reading this, well remember night one/part one the girl I was talking about that finally unblocked me on Facebook, but her now ex who was a "real close" friend of mine didn't unblock me? Well let's give them some fake names because this is where the story is going and I don't want to say she/her, and him/he the whole time. So she will be called Lexi, he will called Richard, and one other girl will be called Connie.

All right, so, Lexi and I used to be FWB, but we both agreed that if we wanted to see other people or hook up with other people we will end things. I held up our end of the deal, and well I soon found out she didn't. Lexi knew about my past relationship, she knew the emotional abuse my ex put me through, so I wasn't ready for commitment yet. Apparently everyone we worked with was wondering when we were to become official, but I honestly was too scared. Well, when i finally thought I was ready to make a commitment to relationship, imagine my surprise when on her Facebook it shows Lexi is now in a relationship with Richard.

I was shocked, hurt, and honestly just tired. Lexi and I connected so much, and had a lot in common that I was finally opening eyes that maybe this could be the one. So, it hurt, and it sucked. I hid my feelings though and congratulated the new couple. Well, I started to date Connie, Connie and I also had a lot in common, maybe even more so then Lexi and I did. But I messed up that relationship, mainly because I didn't really do clubs and she wanted me to go to them, but the real reason I didn't go out was because I was so fucking poor. Disney didn't pay well, I was working so much fucking overtime I barely had time to sleep to pay off my bills. I also at the time cared waaaaaay too much about what my family thought I should date and I stupidly brought I don't think my family would like her so idk if we could be together long term. That's when the relationship truly ended and one of my biggest regrets in my life.

One night Richard and I were on the phone, and honestly all my close guy friends back home we talk about our sex lives. So, I didn't think it was going to be an issue, but I made stupid ass comment about he doesn't need to tell me about his because I know how Lexi was in bed. Like I said dumb fucking ass comment.

Well, after this moment, Richard decided to spread the worst fucking possible thing you can spread. He got a couple other people to help spread that I supposedly raped Connie. Which wasn't true at all, I brought it up to management that these people were spreading this, and then eventually Connie and I had to confront these people about it. Unfortunately the damage was already done. I now had a stigma following me that I'm supposedly a rapist. Connie and I to this day are still good friends, and at one point best friends.

Connie don't be mad at the next part, since I'm sending you link to this.

Connie and I even after we ended things still did almost everything together, either going to cast parties together, going out for food with our fellow cast members, going to the parks with others, or just going to concerts. During all this we still held hands, we were just each others safety net. TBH she still is mine, but we are kind of distant with each other because last year or two years ago my best friend, her friend, and I noticed that her bf of 5 years is giving off some really weird vibes. I was really worried and my friend and her friend thought it felt like abuse potentially happened/happening. I know Connie's history and past relationships, I also know her and G had some really bad arguments. so I texted her our worries and well she told him, and since then we haven't been as close which sucks and I get it, the last thing you want to do is being accused of abuse. I just want you to see it from my point of view Connie. I love you, and I'm sorry I brought up my concerns, just know it was out of goodness of my heart because I care and love ya.

Anyways I think I will end this here, and I might discuss the other stuff that lead me to potential committing suicide, but right now I don't think I'm strong enough to type that out at all.

[squawk-crow-quack]

So I’m not on here often, but my activity might spike up a little more these next few weeks.

These past few days have been heartbreaking for me for multiple reasons.

As you all know, I went to Disney and often saw Mickey and his friends. I don’t know how long it’s going to be until I do that again, but it might be a while. And it’s not just because Disney World is closed for the time being, but I was one of the College Program Participants who is being sent home. 😞

The DCP was probably the best thing to happen to me. I was dealing with a deep depressive episode at the time, and achieving my dream of working for WDW made me realize that good things can and will happen. I made so many amazing friends, and it’s safe to say I found where I belonged.

Unfortunately, my program had to be cut short due to safety and health concerns with this virus going around. It sucks, but I understand why it’s happening. Luckily for me, I live not too far from Disney and can come back. ❤️

I’m definitely going to go back to Disney. I loved my job there and the people I worked with. Not to mention, I promised Mickey and all them I would see them again.

But for now, I might be a lil’ more active with trying to get some art and stuff out!

[thekimmiandjackieshow]

Welcome to.. The Kimmi & Jackie Show!

I am in the process of revamping this entire blog. See, this blog started out as an attempt to document my Disney College Program. It is something experienced by many and yet, is still such an exclusive experience. When I first did my DCP, there wasn’t that much “information” out there. I watched the same vlog channel from an international student over and over again, and stalked every link Disney released about the DCP. Stories about unique experiences were hard to come by, and so, along with many others, I became one of the millions of people attempting to share mine with the world. 

Almost immediately, this blog evaporated into thin air. My first few weeks into the program, our internet would spontaneously cut out. When that got resolved, I realized I didn’t have that many pictures to share. My roommates and I visited the parks in the summer heat, making it less than ideal conditions to lug around my heavy duty camera. My phone was an old and tired dud. So, I relied heavily on pictures from others and Memory Maker, meaning for the first few months of my program, my pictures were scattered everywhere. I was also really lucky. I had roommates and work friends that I got along with very well. I spent very little time in my apartment, because I was always out with friends exploring. Naturally, the blog fell to the wayside. Although it came back during my extension, I no longer had a vision for it. My good days were far more scattered, and I struggled with figuring out how to write about my true experiences without being incredibly negative. Sharing just the positives felt dishonest. Not knowing where to go with it, everything quickly evaporated again.

Then, I moved to North Carolina. I didn’t get to go back home after my program and share every story with all my friends and family. The people who wanted to hear all about it were miles away from me, and those who lived nearby didn’t even know me yet. And while I struggled through my extension, I was still missing “home”. With post-DCP-depression in full swing, the blog came back to life. Shortly after, I got a job. One that required me to sit at a computer for 11.5 hours. The blog once again became less important. The few likes and reads I got wasn’t motivation enough to work hard at keeping it alive. 

As circumstances changed the blog came back to life and died again, over and over - the world’s longest rollercoaster - until it just no longer felt relevant. Stories became muddled in my mind, information became useless as things in the college program changed, and a few of the friendships from the program faltered. It seemed meaningless to attempt to bring it back to life, just for an occasional “hey, one time I worked at Walt Disney World” post.  All that said, it turns out, I still enjoy sitting down from time to time and sharing my ramblings, thoughts, and experiences with absolute strangers. So I thought, it is time to update a few things. I’m going to be cleaning things up, reorganizing things... Anyway, here I am! Welcome to the Kimmi and Jackie Show!

[kalyssab]

A short video explaining my lack of presence on the internet for the past couple of weeks, or month or so. I’ve been lately tackling my depression head on and trying to work proactively on my mental health. If you’d like to join my journey, I’d be happy to have you along!  I make vlogs, gaming videos, and just fun little videos but now I might talk more openly on my channel about mental health and therapy to help do my part to end the stigma.

[waltdisneyconfessions]

I want to be in the Disney College Program when I graduate high school. The problem is that I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression, and that all mixes into months of me not taking care of myself and not focusing on school. I just hope I’ll be able to graduate and get into my dream college and into the DCP.

[amcinematheque]

“It's just - Living alone, you know? And the thought of buying those books like Cooking For One and... It's just too depressing.”

SINGLE WHITE FEMALE (1992) - 35mm Print

Saturday, June 2 - 7:30PM, Egyptian Theatre, Hollywood, CA

TICKETS

Screening with FATAL ATTRACTION (1987) and THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE (1992).

1992, Sony Repertory, 107 min, Dir: Barbet Schroeder

After New York software designer Allison Jones (Bridget Fonda) gives her cheating fiancé the boot, she advertises for a new roommate. She gets more than she bargained for in Hedy Carlson (Jennifer Jason Leigh in a go-for-broke performance), whose mild demeanor masks violent instability. Schroeder and his REVERSAL OF FORTUNE cinematographer Luciano Tovoli add plenty of style to this sharp, well-paced psychological thriller.

Special Ticket Prices: $15 General, $13 Cinematheque Members. No vouchers. | Screening formats: DCP (FATAL ATTRACTION), 35mm (THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE, SINGLE WHITE FEMALE)