#Crowley doesn't deserve it but he's waited for millennia

[bitacrytic]

I’m just going to say it

We know that Crowley’s a demon. He’s worldly and pragmatic... and did I mention worldly? Given how long they’ve been together, there is absolutely no way he hasn’t considered what the sex would be like between them. 

On the other hand, Aziraphale? My sweet, innocent cherub who has to plan elaborate dances just for two people to share a gaze? The literal angel who, despite being completely aware of his affection for Crowley, was utterly SHOCKED that Crowley would ever kiss him (eye roll). Like, for god’s sake. I’m sure he’s been thinking of skipping in the clouds, sharing morning tea together, reading the same book, while listening to soft music. 

He’s probably never imagined them actually doing anything physical.

But now? Given how he touched his lips when Crowley left? Now? Yeah, that angel’s about to start thinking thoughts that are unheavenly.

And I love that he is going to be surrounded by brightness and “goodness” and “purity” and every single thing that would keep reminding him just how far away he is from the one person who can actually fulfil the damned dreams he’s about to start having.

[bustyasianbeautiespod]

Hi, it's Crystal!

It's not an interpretation that enthuses me, but I think there's solid canon backing for Crowley viewing love as something outside of themself. She's pretty dismissive of the love Aziraphale senses in Tadfield in 1.02, and his shock after Nina confronts them in 2.05 could be because they'd just never thought himself capable of those kinds of feelings before. In 2.03, Crowley says, "We just need to get Nina to do the love thing with Maggie. One fabulous kiss and we're good," which many people have connected to 2.06 - Crowley has just realized that he wants to "do the love thing" with Aziraphale and thinks this is the best way to go about it.

As for what does enthuse me, I'm first reminded of a passage from Demonology and the Tri-Phasic Model of Trauma (of course) that goes:

“All those sadistic shitheads up there, know what they say?” he started, and she waited for him to continue. “They say they’re love. That’s what they say. Can’t criticize them, can you, when all their actions are motivated by love. All they do, isn’t it, is love, and best be careful you don’t ever stop accepting that love. You know a group of them attacked Aziraphale once? His superiors, even, when he hadn’t done a single thing wrong. Punched him, cornered him and punched him. They hurt him, and that’s what love is, Aubrey Thyme. That's the only thing Aziraphale has ever known as love. He didn’t even want to tell me about it--they had hurt him, those execrable beings of love, and he didn’t think he should even let me know about it. Wanted him to die, wanted to kill him, and would have, too, if we had--” He stopped himself. He clenched his jaw shut tight, turned his head up to the ceiling, and snarled.  ... “So, we don’t use that word,” he repeated. His eyes were still full of feeling, but they were safe for her to look into. He stared at her, daring or imploring her to understand. ... “He deserves better than that word,” she summarized, quiet and calm.

and I think that maybe that idea could connect to the "The God who claims to love you" line Grey brings up. Maybe the way the word connects to Heaven and hypocrisy has tarnished the word "love" for Crowley. Crowley will say "they love me down there" about Hell, who boo her through every presentation, in 1.01 because it's a fun word to throw around, but he won't say it sincerely. I think they've known love is what they feel for centuries if not millennia (I mean, the Queen soundtrack of Crowley's life is simply blasting it in his face in 1.04, and there's the falling in love under an awning line in 2.02), but maybe she does want a better word.

However, I'm not sure how tarnished the word "love" actually is for Aziraphale. Heaven doesn't ever say love (though it does in Before the Water Rises! it's a Noah's Ark era fic, and the author's note is "I had this idea that at this point, given that humans are more tribal, that the angels are something more like a family than a corporation."). The closest thing we get is Gabriel's "I love you" to Aziraphale in 2.01. I just rewatched that scene to get a better gauge on Aziraphale's reaction, and I still can't tell if A) he's a little pleasantly surprised about it, in a "no one's ever said that to me before" way or B) he's just scrabbling for his usual polite smile when he reports to the archangels. He does fight back against the pressure to say it back, though, in a way that makes it clear that those words are deeply meaningful for him. And Aziraphale seems to love love! He's bowled over by the love he feels in Tadfield, which he does call "love," he teaches Warlock to have "love and reverence for all living things," and he's happy to call Maggie "in love" to the angels. I'm not sure if he sees a major distinction between the different loves there. We know that he thinks a place feeling loved is the opposite of it feeling spooky. To be loved is to be made... familiar? comfortable? safe? Perhaps for Aziraphale, the fear embedded into his and Crowley's relationship makes it hard to see the love for what it is until after the Apocawasn't, when he finally starts trying to move them forward.

As for why Crowley didn't say it in the final fifteen... I think Crowley wouldn't have said "I love you" even if he'd just been given time to do his confession in 2.06 and Aziraphale had no news to give. I think that on one hand, expressing a desire for eternal commitment and companionship says more than "I love you" (which could mean anything, and to an angel who walks around with a beatific smile all the time, could really mean anything) does, and on the other, it does feel too exposing to say out loud. I'm sure Hell conditioning has made Crowley feel the need to squash down all of his softer feelings or cover them up with snarls, just as they can't stand the idea of being called nice or good, and any embarrassment Crowley feels about that would just suffocate them if the words "I love you" were met with rejection. However, when I was answering our last ask about Crowley's motivations during the kiss, I started writing out a paragraph that started with "I think that if Crowley had gotten a second to breathe, there's another universe where instead of the kiss, he blurts out 'I love you,' and it comes from the exact same thoughts and feelings," but I erased it because I wasn't sure how true that was. I just did a few pause-and-plays of Crowley's walk up to Aziraphale before the kiss, and my current Interpretation of the Hour is that her main emotions appear to be devastated + desperate, in a "this is my last chance to convince Aziraphale to stay" way, so now I agree with the erased paragraph. I think the reason they kissed him instead are 1. terror at the thought of losing Aziraphale creating a need for physical proximity 2. his throat being too blocked up to speak 3. not wanting to get That Vulnerable.

(This is all just a very roundabout way for me to say "Yeah, it is just exactly what you said. Too much to say out loud," but thanks for reading about me figuring out the turn signals anyway)

- Crystal :)

so interesting to me that neither of them ever reference love in the sense of them themselves loving things. they never say that they love the earth or that crowley loves his car or that aziraphale loves the bookshop (is there a line in the book that goes something like “crowley knew how much aziraphale loved the bookshop” near the end or am I misremembering?). most pointedly, like grey said, the word “love” is never used in the final fifteen. and i don’t think they think themselves incapable of it, but is it just too much to say out loud?

OKAY this ask has prompted me to look up every instance that Aziraphale or Crowley has said "I love..." or a variation thereof. Here's the list.

Aziraphale tells Burbage "I love all the... talking" in 1601

Aziraphale says "No, I would love you to help me." in their argument in 2.01

Crowley says "You love trains!" to Aziraphale in 2.03

I do find it interesting every single one of these... the first one is delivered after active prompting and it is sincere in that Aziraphale does probably love all of the talking but not sincere in the specific way you're specifying. The third one is much like the first one in that regard. The second one is the only one that relates to their relationship and I am fascinated by the wording of "I would love" as opposed to "i love", much like Crowley's "and I would like to spend..." as opposed to "I want to spend..."

I don't have a solid conclusion for this, really, but some food for thought: in 2.03, Crowley tells the goats "God has abandoned you. The God who claims to love you, who demands your praise, has given you up to be destroyed." which. well. Claims to love you. Well! I do not claim to know Crowley's mind so I would not speak for it, and I do not claim to know Aziraphale's mind but I WILL speak for it and I just think of how in 1.04, the I forgive you is very much a "I am giving you this grace but you must know that I still won't concede." I wonder, is there any universe where Aziraphale would have said "I love you" instead of "I need you" in that final bookshop scene? I think maybe he knows that giving that grace with the "but know that I still won't concede" part unsaid would be too cruel even under the stress of the moment.

- Grey <3