#CrisisMode

[crisism0de]

I hate knowing there are foreign feelings existing within me like warfare. Knowing I'm tethered to only remnants of ghost memories. Past tense muscles that don't project behind my eyes. The idea is troubling that I am one of all of me. How they died, but live in every mannerism and every thought. The skins been shed just to step into a new day with every old me.

- The Unfamiliar Familiar

(via crisism0de on tumblr)

[thiswildheart]

Its been awhile...

Its been awhile, but im still here. Just...

Life has been anything but cruisy. On the outside we would seem like a happy little family who has it all. The reality is, I'm worse than ever before. I thought I would get stronger since trying to heal myself but I feel like I'm only making it worse. Surely there is a bright side to all this darkness. I've lost myself completely and despite having the most beautiful girls ,I cant stop the thoughts of just succumbing.

I nearly lost one parent to a monster who tried to take their life and leave them with scars they will never heal from. Jumping from one lover to the next in hopes of filling the space that they was meant to fill themselves. God, that sounds dirty, its not intended that way i can assure you.

The other parent is stuck in their old ways. Too dependent on making sure their partner is happy to make themself happy. Looking in from the outside, it would seem that they don't care, the new family is all that matters now. I know that to not be true but it still stings when I'm the one constantly making the effort to avoid a war of words. My siblings are their own worst enemies. One is identical to our mother, who plays the victim and relies on the need to feel loved by others. The other craves love but on their own terms. Believing that they are not good enough to attract the right person. And here I am, trying to get through it day by day, no support apart from my best friend who also shares similar struggles. We share common pain and I believe that's why we care so much for each other. We understand. I'm in a loveless marriage, my husband gets his thrills from sneaking around my back and if, what I think is going on is truly happening, he may be fathering an additional child that sure as hell isn't with me. We're pretty much just room mates at this stage. We barely talk or touch and I snap at him at the drop of a hat. He makes me feel like what I do is never good enough, he's very manipulative and patronising, gaslighting me at any opportunity. I'm not sure if it truly is him or if its a cycle of paranoia that my childhood trauma has caused me to have. Either way, it sucks balls. Add in a large amount of debt, trying to run multiple businesses and keep everyone alive, its truly a recipe for disaster. My resentment towards him for my misery is growing everyday, yet I still cant leave. I'm not ready yet.

My girls are incredible, I feel so bad for them however. I yell at them all the time and get so irritated with them. But I know that's not their fault, they are children who need to be taught how to love and heal themselves from any trauma I may leave them. I'm trying my hardest not to but the world is not perfect and I'm far from it. So polite, well behaved and smart. I cant handle the thought of being the one to ruin that for them.

I've been to a doctor to for some help, apparently all I need is to schedule some time for some self care. That could well just be the answer, but its not that easy when your whole world relies on you. Plus, if I got some self care, do you really think I'd need the fucking doctor? I'm sure there's something physical going on, ADHD, hormonal imbalance, low cortisol. Maybe my mental health is manifesting physically. I don't know, I'm not the doctor here. All I do know is something ain't right and no matter what I do, I cant get the help I need.

It seems like I only ever post here when shit gets rough. Well, its never been rougher and this ship is sinking fast. Until the next crisis...

X

[elastica1995]

that person who got upset w me cos i didn’t tag suicide ideation on a post where i was genuinely contemplating suicide was so stupid.

[doveotion]

tagged by @sauvageantinous ty babe <3

currently reading: after dark by Haruki Urakami (i got it MONTHS ago from the library. oops)

fav colour: i love all colors but if i rlly had to choose,,, viridian

last movie watched: rewatched itsv w friends!! I'm preparing for atsv in June <3

sweet/savoury/spicy: all of them !! i can't choose </3

last song: drown in the clouds of dew by Rozie Romati (it's so good!!)

@actualnymph @kaedien @oh-mother-i-cannot-weave @rawrmonstuhr @holyqround @mywineandwhine @98borabora @odetolovers @uncertainlys @urhoney @chocochat @crisismodes @covete @strwbrryvale @htftlah

[actualnymph]

I was tagged by @swimmingblues to post my six fave albums of all time/recently! 💋💋🥰 This was really easy I only have a few albums that come to mind 🤭

Carole King’s Tapestry, Rumours by Fleetwood Mac, Yanni’s Tribute album, THE All Things Must Pass by George Harrison, Voulez-Vous by Abba, and Whitney by Whitney Houston 🥰💝

I tag @haml3t, @doveotion, @cluelesscher, @lilacblossom, @crisismodes, @mynameisntsara and @leonardcohenofficial ❣️

[culturdrop]

Not feeling it #eruption #blush #crush #crisismode #cute #naruto #hinata ep.148

[sheexclaimed]

Living life in #CrisisMode 🙄 #SheExclaimed #Semicolon #mentalhealth [Stolen]

[vinnyvince99-blog]

I finally got my stuff back from my mom after about a month and a half of being separated from my belongings (I had been separated from my mom on February 16th when she entered Crisis Mode). Now that I have my stuffed dolls back, I might become active on Instagram again. However, I may choose to migrate my TY's to Twitter, where I posted random things. See you soon, Vinny Vince #stuff #mom #month #monthandahalf #separated #CrisisMode #stuffeddolls #active #backoninstagram #backonthegram #migrate #Twitter #random #randomthings #vinnyvince99 (at Millville, New Jersey) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bv7ccN0grQh/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=k33e2v87la63

[tokka]

#SDCC #CrisisMode https://www.instagram.com/p/CgOdhtUOSPr/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[socialsf]

#truerwords #crisismode #greatestfear via @brycetache #thankyou for #callingaspadeaspade #speakingthetruth https://www.instagram.com/p/B9GptXEJny_/?igshid=yyl6693bmg2b

[yourockfndn]

We’re so sorry that @KillswitchEngage’s @Jesse_D_Leach is hurting to the point where he’s seeking professional help, but we’re so proud of him for recognizing that he needs it, that he’s choosing to accept it, and that he’s sharing it publicly so others with #mentalillness can be inspired by him. ・ Please send him extra love and gratitude while he fights for his #mentalhealth. ・ #Repost @thewaybackwithin ・・・ ✌🏼Until we meet again. I just need time to get help before I can share anything else with you. Thank you to all of you who actually care and understand. Mental illness is a sickness and pair it with a life tragedy and it’s a force that can level you and break you in ways you never ever imagined. I’m getting the help I need starting tomorrow. I won’t be another statistic of suicide!!!!! I’m fighting for my future and I refuse to give up or give in!!! Send vibes, love, prayers, thoughts or whatever please. Let love guide us all. Peace and elbow grease. ・ 💔🙏🏼❤️ #ItsOKNotToBeOK #NoYouMayNotUnderstand #IAmBrokenToo #TheWayBackWithin #JesseLeach #MentalBreakdown #SeekingBalance #Selfcare #RealTalk #Grateful #Broken #CrisisMode #ThankYou https://www.instagram.com/p/BsilpO2nBbU/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1491jh07d056q

[demonias-archive]

anyways i was a sexy evil vampire priest for halloween and the capital g Gang was my polycule-slash-convent of hellbound nunsluts and we had a bitchin time

[crisismodes]

*uses one too many emojis in a text to someone who doesn’t use emojis*: I suppose I am, sometimes, a whore 💋

[doveotion]

ty @swimmingblues 4 tagging me ilysm <3<3 (⁠*⁠＾⁠3⁠＾⁠)⁠/♡

@actualnymph @mywineandwhine @covete @aphrodiitaes @nekuz @spirited-avvay @holyqround @rawrmonstuhr @happilyy @godsopenwound @nthingbutthetruth @strwbrryvale @crisismodes @chantilliy @chocochat @soulaans @98borabora @pollen @breadmp3 @truelovewaitsmp3

[actualnymph]

Hello my lovely friend!!! How was your first day of classes so far??? (I forgot ur timezone so idk if ur done for the day or not askajskaka)

Hello angel!!!!!! It’s seven thirty and my last classs was at four fourty five so I’m done!!! I like my classes a lot!!!! I can tell I’m gonna have a good semester/year 🥰

[tarot-blee-accurate]

Good thing you know someone to help you navigate your way through it! Readings start at only $10! What an awesome investment in yourself for #direction and #pieceofmind !⠀ ⠀ #tarotbleeaccurate #tarot #mpls #psychic #🔮 #psychicreading #loa #lawOfAttraction #manifestation #spirituality #theSecret #horoscope #zodiac #tarotcards #picoftheday #cardoftheday #tarotcardreadersofinstagram #stress #crisismode #depression #lost #whatnow #advice #motivation #multidimensional #5d #4d #3d (at Golden Valley, Minnesota)