#Cream make an original joke challenge impossible

[royalcreampuff24]

Oh, you must be confused. This is actually based on the song no Party, not So Cool. Hope this helps:)

"You know what they say King, Piracy is no Party!"

"HAW HAW HAW!!"

[oveliagirlhaditright]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/33155107

Of all the people in the Hachiko Group, aside from Neku… the person that Joshua had always valued the most, was Rhyme. Neo spoilers.

The Joshyme here is platonic, but you can see it as romantic if you want.

Beam of Sunshine

Of all the people in the Hachiko Group, aside from Neku… the person that Joshua had always valued the most, was Rhyme.

And so, he supposed it was a good thing he’d brought her back to life, when he really hadn’t had to, then.

And there were a few reasons for that he did love her… It was for the fact that the clever girl could keep up with him (so much so that she had said she’d known he was the smart one in the Tin Pin universe, when he’d rightly called her out on being a traitor)… for her laughing at his jokes at her brother’s expense (though she did clearly love Beat more than anything)… and since they could think alike sometimes.

Joshua had heard Rhyme thinking during her week of the Game, that everyone in Shibuya’s values were trying to come in the loudest, much like how he had later said it was impossible for people to understand each other.

…Rhyme was also nice. Much too kind for her own good, really, and he hated to see when she got taken advantage of (and almost wanted to give her a stern talking to when these moments happened). And Joshua knew that that was a lot of the reason he adored about her, since part of the reason he’d wanted to destroy Shibuya was because of its sin, after all.

But the reason he was making himself known to the girl now? And preparing to compliment her? It was because he owed her, that’s why.

At the moment, Rhyme was buying herself an ice cream cone at Miyashita Park. And while Josh himself didn’t like the stuff, he thought Rhyme certainly deserved the treat, if she herself did. “All work and no play made Rhyme a dull girl,” like she had told Beat earlier in the week.

Making sure that no one was watching him, Joshua sat on the bench beside the younger Bito sibling, willed himself into the RG, and touched Rhyme’s hand, so that she would know he was there.

…Though he supposed he shouldn’t have done the latter, because that seemed to startle the girl more than anything. She nearly jumped forty feet into the air, Joshua thought (quite impressive, for a non-flier) and her heart rate had gone quite high. Joshua was almost worried she’d have to start playing the Game again, if it shot up any more, and that just wouldn’t do.

He held up a hand and offered her a small smile to try and calm her down. “Sorry to startle you, Raimu. I admit, I could have gone about that all a bit better… This whole thing I’m about to do is largely out of character, and I’m out of my depth.”

“C-can I help you, then?” Rhyme breathed. Her heart calming down, as she caught her breath and cautiously took a seat beside the Composer.

Joshua could hardly blame her for her caution. Because while they had hung-out a little bit in the past, it had been three years since they had seen each other last, really. And he doubted she remembered when she’d been soul fragments in Traverse Town.

“After all, two people working as opposed to one lightens the load!” Rhyme carried on.

Joshua smirked and “hmmed” at her comment. Because he could have expected that she would use an adage, but for some reason he never would have guessed she would have directed one at him. Was he becoming too human for her to have done that, or was he not enough human, that he thought the little ray of sunshine wouldn’t try to win him over with her words, too?

“Normally, Raimu, I would take you up on the offer. And it’s quite nice of you to ask… But not now, when what I’m here for is quite simple. Just know that I’m here to tell you… I’m proud of you. And these words don’t leave my mouth easily. I don’t think I’ve ever even spoken so candidly with Neku. But… while I don’t know if I necessarily want you hacking my Game ever again, young lady.”

And somehow, Rhyme had it within her to first look guilty for what she’d done, but then also challenging—as if thinking that she would do it again, if she needed to—and Joshua, despite himself, found himself respecting her all the more for it. He resisted the urge to pat her head, for the good little girl she was.

But she was so much more than that, too, wasn’t she? And that was why he was here.

Forming an arch with his fingers, and placing it over his forehead, Yoshiya continued on. “But you really helped to save the day. Shibuya would not be standing now, were it not for your efforts. And that is something. Hacking is not the dream you originally had. You lost your dreams—your original Entry Fee—but you didn’t wallow in despair, but instead filled in that hole with something new, and saved the day when duty called… And if I didn’t know any better, I’d be thinking that maybe I should be calling upon you when the UG needs someone, and not Neku anymore.”

Rhyme gasped at that. And while Joshua was very much not human—especially not now. The Composer had come out to play at this moment. Joshua had never meant to make that proposition to Rhyme… and to get “creepy”, and so “god of death-like”, as it were, but perhaps Yoshiya had all along—he could allow her being so human as to be shocked, as he tried to get a handle on this horrible situation he’d just screwed up, when he’d just come to give the poor kid a solid… not give her cardiac arrest. Really.

After she had gotten her breath once more, it seemed it was Rhyme’s turn to surprise Joshua. The girl’s ice cream was starting to melt: again, this was Joshua’s own fault, for having such a conversation with Rhyme, when she was eating such a substance. And he comforted himself in the fact that it was vanilla ice cream (white), at least, matching his shirt. If the disgusting, overly-sweet gelatinous stuff got on his top, as Raimu leaned towards him now, he should be able to get the stain out with his powers, just fine.

“…Not that I’d ever really want to go back to anything involving the Game, if I had the choice, Joshua. I enjoy being a hacker, thank you very much. And I think I might try to work for the NPA… I have been thinking about it some… and if it ever came down to it, I wouldn’t mind trying to ascend to try and help everyone, if I needed to. But only then! Because where there’s no light, be the light, right? Kind of like I was the other da-.”

And here Joshua had to put a hand to the girl’s lips to keep her from finishing that sentence. What a minx Raimu Bito was! Who would have guessed it?! Because, yes: the lonely part of him would have been far too happy to find a way to make her into an angel now, so he could have someone with him forever; it was the same way that he desperately wanted Neku to be his Conductor.

Well, Joshua supposed he deserved this temptation for getting as off-track as he had. He tried to grab control now—as he got off the bench, backed away from Rhyme, and bowed to her slightly… which was all too weird, because even this was how Japanese politeness worked (Joshua knew it well), he couldn’t help feeling, she should have been bowing to him, and not the other way around. But he would stifle that feeling. “I, uhh… apologize I guess, Rhyme Bito. Thank you again for your assistance. But do keep out of the RNS, unless I specifically ask.”

Rhyme had sobered up now, too. And was somehow gracefully licking at all the melting spots on her ice cream cone, to try and salvage it so she wouldn’t have a complete mess, before she waved at him, “And thank youfor showing up and helping us, Josh! I know Neku doesn’t show it that much—still more than he used to back in the day, though—but it meant more to him than you know… And thanks for what you did for Shoka and Rindo, too! Don’t be a stranger!”

And Rhyme beamed at Josh, being very much like the ray of sunshine he’d referred to her earlier.

And so… Joshua decided that maybe for that—for her… for all of the Hachiko Group, really—he could try and keep the life-and-death things to a minimum, and be a normal person people would appreciate around them, and show up to these events that Neku and Rhyme had invited him to.

“Yes, Rhyme… thank you, indeed.”

Author’s Note: So, for those who don't know, Joshyme was a pretty big deal in the fandom, back in the day.... 

And I guess I've brought it back in the year of our Lord 2021. But this might be the last fic I write for them. Or it might not. We'll see.And I kind of wrote this by accident? I wanted to write some Bito sibling stuff... but that'll come later. 

But Joshua and Rhyme's possible relationship (platonic) has always fascinated me, because I feel there's some interesting stuff there. And I think Joshua could potentially be proud of her for what she did, even after she lost her dreams.

Hope you all enjoyed?

[leilajoon]

An Educational Leap

My name is Leila. I'm a lesbian from Iran. I migrated to Britain a few years ago. I was a teacher in my country and the story that follows happened in the summer of 1986 when I was in my twenties. In order to make my story understandable for a foreign reader, I should explain the situation of those years. Shortly after the 1979 revolution, a theocratic dictatorship began which harshly oppressed the women in Iran. In 1980, a war started between Iran and Iraq. Since the government couldn’t provide sufficient military hardware for its army, the army had to rely on human waves. Masses of humans had to be brainwashed into believing that they are fighting in a holy war and if they die they go straightly to Heaven. But what kind of place was this Heaven? According to Islamic clergy, Heaven is a paradise full of tasteful food, beautiful palaces and Houris – mindless sex slaves who always stay virgin and unconditionally offer themselves to faithful people! The government used propaganda to encourage martyrdom. Since it’s a little hard to brainwash a grown man with that promise, the propaganda mostly targeted children. Brainwashed child soldiers were suitable for human waves since they made submissive cannon fodders. There was even a lesson in school books about a 13 year old child soldier who tied grenades to himself and jumped under a tank! I'm ashamed to admit I had to teach such lessons at school without realizing their effects on my students. Back then, I had made a small safe world for myself which was separated from the rest of society. Nobody cared about me and I didn't care about anyone else either, except for my partner Faranak. She and I were friends since our childhood. We grew up together, went to school together, realized that we were lesbians together and became partners in secret. She was also a teacher and worked in the same school with me. We are still together after all these years. Our families were close too. Back then single women weren’t allowed to live alone and homosexual relationships were a cardinal sin which could lead to execution as well. So, Faranak and I found a solution; There were many people living in our families small homes, so we asked them for permission to rent a small unit just across the corridor from theirs. With us so close, our families felt as though we were just living in another room, and their homes had more space. Faranak's family was also okay with that for similar reasons. Thus, I managed to create a safe place for myself and my love to live freely and happily. The government of Iran enforced mandatory wearing of Hijab for women and was extremely harsh on women teachers. We had to cover all of our body except for face and hands with thick black clothes. On the outside, I was a strict Muslim woman who dressed in black and preached the governmental propaganda at school. On the inside, I was a sexy lesbian who listened to western music and went to bed with another woman every night. One summer I had to teach the students who had failed their exams. Unlike the educational year before the summer when classes were crowded, my class only had 10-12 students who had failed in their Mathematics exam. I tried very hard to educate them, but it was useless. I dressed in a thick black veil in an extremely hot summer, went to school, spent several hours teaching Mathematics and gave them a small booklet which was simplified as much as possible and contained anything they needed to know to fully answer every single question in the final exam. But all that was to no avail. They never listened. Their minds were not in the class. I had become well acquainted with them. They were good people. Some of them had jobs and were providing for their families. We were in a relatively poor neighbourhood and as a result of hard lives, their faces looked much older than their age. Some of them had really believed the governmental propaganda and expressed a desire for going to the war fronts. That saddened me. I felt that I couldn’t just hide in my little safe place with my love and ignore the outside world. Faranak – who didn't work during that summer – agreed with me as well. She encouraged me to motivate them. Failing could have meant no future for them. Most of them probably would have ended their education after that. They had all the material means for passing the exam. All they needed was to read my booklet thoroughly and carefully once or twice. But that was too much to ask. They had failed the previous exam, not because they were stupid or lazy, but because they felt that there was no point in schooling. The "heroic" lifestyle which was propagated back then for a student was abandoning education, becoming a religious zealot who sacrifices himself for the ruling government, goes to heaven and finds Houris waiting for him there! At the last session I tried one last time to educate them. I explained a simple question which I was planning to put on the final exam. But when I asked them to repeat my solution, there was no response, as if I had talked only for myself! So, I resorted to my final solution: a motivation. I knew they were close friends, so I said "If you all pass the exam I will buy you cookies and if you all get a high grade I will buy you ice cream". I meant to motivate them to work together and encourage each other for studying harder. But they started laughing. One of them said "How about giving us pacifiers? Those work better for us!" another one said "Get a lollipup for me!" and another one said "I want a bedtime story!" I realized my mistake. They were not little children. I couldn’t motivate them with candies. I felt stupid and embarrassed. How could I have made such a mistake? As I was processing my mistake in shame and regret, I heard another voice. "What if we all get the perfect score?" That was surely not a serious question. They wanted to mock me some more. I really don't know how it happened or what I was thinking; maybe I felt so belittled that I felt compelled to give a mind-blowing answer to put them in their place; Maybe after realizing how childish my original promise was, I decided to replace it with a grown up one; Maybe I meant to challenge their manly pride by offering them something they couldn't reject for fear of being belittled themselves; Or maybe it was a combination of all these reasons. But, in any case, I gave the following answer: "If that happens, I will get naked and do an Arabic dance for you all!" Suddenly the laughter and buzz stopped. They all stared at me with their eyes wide open and mouths half open. After a few seconds someone replied, "Seriously?", and I answered, "Of course! You think I'm a liar?" At that moment I felt powerful for silencing them and ending their mocking. Now it was them who needed to defend their manly pride. In their minds, turning down an offer like that would have meant that they are not interested in women! And since one person's failure would have meant no prize for the rest, that put extra pressure on them for working hard to get it! They made me swear that I would do it. When some of them objected that fulfilling my requirement was impossible, I assured them there will be no question they wouldn't be able to answer if they understand my booklet perfectly. I promised to dance for them and to make it more believable, I reduced my promise from dancing buck naked to dancing in bra and panties. They all agreed to study as hard as they could in order to get the highest grade possible, which wasn't very hard to achieve if they really tried. I went home laughing. I thought to myself: They are such simpletons! They actually believed me! When they realize I lied, it will be too late! By that time, they will all have graduated with good grades! That’s what's important, not their disappointment afterwards! I told the story to Faranak. She was shocked. We had talked before about how the governmental propaganda was harming the students. She asked how my promise was less corrupting for their minds than the promise of Houris in an afterlife paradise? I tried to convince her my intent was to motivate them toward something that would actually benefit them. She insisted that if I lie to them, I might motivate them once, but they would feel stupid and betrayed and will become untrusting for the rest of their lives. She said "If they graduate like this, they will fail next year, end their education there and you have merely wasted one year of their time." She was speaking the truth. I had made a hasty decision without considering the consequences. I was thinking of my own success and not their future. But what could I do after realizing that? That was the last session of our class. I couldn’t see them until the exam. I couldn't come to an acceptable solution. There was no acceptable excuse for not doing what I had promised. I could have made the exam harder than what I had promised. One mistake was a sufficient excuse. I could have been very strict when it came to correcting their papers. But that was a betrayal of their trust. Faranak asked me "Why don't you actually do it?" At first I thought she was joking, but she was serious. She reminded me that we danced at the secret parties we attended without our families knowing. She asked me, "What's the difference? Are those students less decent or more outsider than some of those weirdo guests who stare at your good parts at the parties? Besides, the school is almost empty when you go there. The only other person except the students is an old janitor who never visits your classroom in that hour and you can lock the door to make sure of that." I began to think for myself. I realized that I had become a tool in the hands of the government for preaching its nonsense ideology. Why can we promise the students that they will see some imaginary sex slaves waiting for them in heaven if they get themselves killed for some stupid cause, but they can't see a real woman who is not covered in suffocating black clothes? How was dancing for them as a present for accomplishing something beneficial immoral but promising Houris as a present for doing something criminal was moral? I thought if I left them like that, not accepting my responsibility in preaching that poisonous propaganda and never try to change what I've done, how can I justify my own lifestyle? What if someone like one of them discovered what I did in secret? Even if that never happened, I had to live the rest of my life feeling guilty as a hypocrite. I put myself in my students shoes for a minute. What was a woman in their imagination? What image had I created in their minds? A strict and sullen person who always covered herself in black in order to avoid provoking their sexual desire – that was the legacy which I left for them, whether I liked it or not. I labeled them perverts from whom women need protection from. But I didn't want that to be my legacy. I had one final chance to correct that. I could prove to them that women can be fun and sexy without being slutty. I could prove that they didn’t need to die for some stupid cause to receive sex machines as a present in the afterlife; They could have real women who had minds, cared about them, were honest with them and appreciated their good behavior. Faranak also argued that punishing all of them for a tiny mistake of a single student wasn't fair and would ruin their friendship with any person who failed to get the highest grade despite trying hard; and if I'm going to do what I had promised, I should ignore a few slips and do it if I become assured that they have really tried their best. So, I took Faranak's suggestion. I prepared a sexy set of black bra and panties which went well with my white skin. I got an Arabic music cassette tape and practiced some Arabic dancing. On the day of the exam I put on some makeup and did my hair. Faranak also accompanied me to encourage and support me, make sure I fulfill my promise and, perhaps more importantly, see me dance semi naked in front of the class! As we were expecting, none of the school staff except for the old janitor (who barely left his room or cared about anything) was in the school. Students were disappointed when they saw another teacher with me. One of them asked, "Miss, what about your promise?" I informed them that my promise stands and Faranak was there to make sure of it! I sat them away from each other to make sure no one cheated. The exam began. As I had promised, studying my simplified booklet was sufficient for answering all the questions. After the exam, Faranak helped me to correct the papers. And what do you know! There was not a single slip! They all got the perfect score! When I announced that, there was a hooray! I was somehow relieved that I prepared myself for keeping my end of the promise. Disappointing them at this level could have made them very angry. One of them asked, "So, will you do it?" and I replied "Of course, did you doubt me?" But I asked them to listen to me for few minutes before getting their reward. I explained the conclusions which I had arrived at and apologized for preaching the nonsense which I had taught during the year. I explained that being beautiful and sexy isn't equal to being a slut and they should see me as a person who is entertaining and rewarding them for their hard work, not a sex toy who wants to seduce them to having sex with her; and that they should respect women and value their personalities as well as their outer beauty. After that I locked the door and put the cassette player which Faranak had brought on my desk. I asked the students to sit in the front row. Faranak also sat there with a big smile on her face. I was still covered in the official black veil, scarf and gown but I was just wearing a sexy set of black bra and panties under them. I removed my veil and opened my scarf, revealing my black hair which the students were forbidden to see and had no idea how beautiful it was. I wanted to make the last part a surprise, so I turned away from them towards the black board and undid the buttons of my gown. Then I turned towards them while I was holding my gown from opening with my hands. I asked "Ready?" they simultaneously replied "Yes!" and Faranak replied the loudest! I dropped my gown and revealed perhaps the most astonishing sight they had seen in their lives (except for Faranak of course!). There was only silence and amazement for a few seconds, until Faranak broke it with whistling and clapping and soon everyone joined her! I laughed and realized that I wasn’t ashamed or afraid at all. I posed for them for a minute and let them get used to my body. Then I turned on the cassette player and started an Arabic dance. The viewers clapped with the rhythm of the music. I danced for about five minutes, until the end of the music. When I stopped, Faranak began chanting "Again! Again!" and not surprisingly, everyone joined her! I was just getting warmed up, so I met their demand. I felt that I was getting better and their whistling and clapping encouraged me further. After the second round, chanting started as before: "Again! Again!" by this time, you don't need me to say who started it! "Nope. It's over!", I said. "Ahhh! Please! We were having fun!", they pleaded with me, and I surprised them again: "No, don’t get me wrong. I meant that the prelude is over. I'm just getting warmed up. I'm not going to repeat the same dance for you until you get bored with it. Since you have been very hardworking and polite, you deserve a special reward." They asked what it is, but I didn't say a word. I just smiled, gently opened my bra and threw it on the desk! The class exploded with whistling and clapping! Especially Faranak was so excited that it was like she had never seen me naked! I began the third round. This time I did my best. I just wish we had a video camera back then to record it! That day I danced a total of five rounds which lasted about half an hour. I was topless during most of it. Despite all the sexual attraction my body and moves may had for my students, I felt that what excited them the most was my courage and honesty, not mere sexual attraction. My students could find pictures of naked women elsewhere, but finding a teacher who dared to risk her life in order to fulfill her promise, in a society which was polluted with hypocrisy and lies, was something to celebrate! At the end I thanked them for their hard work and politeness. I had danced almost naked for them for half an hour without hearing a single indecent word. That meant a lot for me and proved that they really listened when I asked them to be respectful towards women and not see them as sex toys. I knew that I couldn’t expect them to keep the whole affair a secret, but I wasn't afraid of any gossip. On the contrary, I preferred to publicize what I had done without confessing to doing it. I felt that I had nullified preaching those horrible ideas during the educational year by my final act, and I stand by my decision to this very day. That night Faranak returned my favor. We stayed up all night, tussling beneath the sheets, body to body. As a result, two of my best memories took shape in a single day!

[jokertrap-ran]

BAD MEDICINE ~Infectious teachers~ [PC GAME] Kashu Remu (Chemistry) Route Translations (Part 3)

MC’s name is retained as the original MC name Kawana Hina.

* Words within ‘   ‘ are spoken in English – *Spoiler free : Translations under cut!

Prologue / Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

Choice A: Speed-eating competition!

Kashu: Welcome! You came at the right time!

Kashu: We’ll be having a speed-eating competition today! Let’s go to the canteen~

Hina: Uh...A competition? With who? Me, against you?

Kashu: Eh? Course not! You’re gonna do it alone~

Kashu: I’ve got to record data of the competition~ I can’t do that while competing now, can I?

Hina: I don’t think doing it alone counts as a competition though.

Kashu: What are you talking about~ Don’t fret the small details.

Kashu: A breakthrough in chemistry almost always starts from utterly dull things like this!

Kashu: And because of that, we have to challenge ourselves to a great many different challenges~!

Kashu: There’s a reason for everything in this world, you see~

Kashu: That’s why we’re going to record how fast one can finish a full course meal as fast as they can! From the appetizer all the way to the dessert~

Kashu: Come on, let’s hurry!

Hina: Huh...Did the school’s canteen even have a full course like that?

Kashu: Come on, come on! It’s no problem at all~♪

Kashu: Didn’t I tell you the same before? Don’t fret the small details! You won’t get any bigger~

Kashu: Come on, let’s go~!

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kashu: I suppose you’re done with the soup now. Next comes the fish~

Kashu: We have french fries for the appetizer. Coleslaw for salad, tofu and seaweed miso soup. And melon bread for bread of course!

Kashu: There’s choco chips inside the melon bread! Ah, but of course, let’s not forget dessert!

Kashu: Next comes the fish we’ve all been waiting for! Specially-made fish and chips~♪

Kashu: And we’ve got fried chicken for the meat~ It’s exciting so do wait for it!

Kashu: Now, eat up! It’s a record challenge~!

Hina: (T-This is impossible! There’s way too much for me to possibly finish everything!)

Kashu: Hm~ We didn’t manage to get a good timing still.

Kashu: We’ll we’re still racing against time so good luck. Let’s hurry onto the next~

Kashu: The fried chicken will turn cold~ And the ice-cream we have for dessert is gonna melt!

Hina: (Why am I doing something like this? I don’t understand why I’m here…)

Kashu: Hm...Huh? Your hand stopped. Can’t eat anymore?

Kashu: Are you full? Or do you not wish to eat anymore?

Kashu: Oh, I know! It must be boring to be eating all alone~

Kashu: I’ll join you then. Hmm…

Kashu: Here. Ah~n! Open wide!

Hina: !?

Kashu: Ehh~ Why are you stiffening up? I can’t feed you if you don’t work with me.

Kashu: Isn’t it boring doing it on your own? That’s why I’m helping you!

Kashu: I’m getting some valuable data from you. That’s why I’m doing my part here with this. I can do at least this much.

Kashu: Here, open wide.

Kashu: Hm? What’s up? Why’s it getting so lively here all of a sudden? Well, it doesn’t matter anyway.

Kashu: Rather than that, is it delicious? Is it~? Does it taste better than eating it alone?

Hina: P-Probably…? Wait no- I can eat perfectly well on my own so-!

Kashu: Probably? What’s with that? How strange. Eh, doesn’t matter~

Kashu: Here’s another mouthful so open wide.

Hina: (You aren’t even listening!)

Kashu: ...Oops, a bit of it fell. Sorry, sorry. My bad~!

Kashu: It’s on your cheek now. Err, right, a handkerchief…

Kashu: Huh...It’s all wet. It’s a little hard to wipe a girl’s cheek with this…

Kashu: Ah, should I lick it away instead? It’ll be way faster that way.

Hina: !?!?!?

Kashu: Ahaha, relax. It’s just a joke~ I won’t do something so ill-mannered of me.

Kashu: So sit still, yes? It’s still on your cheek.

Kashu: ...Okay, it’s off now. Yup, your face’s back to it’s maximum cuteness.

Kashu: Still...Hmmm. The timing we have isn’t getting any improvements.

Kashu: I wonder what I did wrong…? Meh, no matter~ Here, open wide and say ah~n!

Hina: Uh, I can’t- No more!

Kashu: Hm? Are you full?

Kashu: Could you be dieting? Don’t think you need to though.

Kashu: Ahh, oh yeah. You still have to eat dinner once you get home.

Kashu: Guess I’ll eat the rest then. Thank you for the meal!

Hina: !?

Hina: (But that’s the chopsticks I just used!?)

Kashu: ...Mm, what? Something the matter~?

Kashu: Eh, nothing’s up? Hmm? Meh, whatever~

Kashu: Mmph...Yum~ It would be better if it was sweeter though.

Kashu: Oh, I’ve got a spoon and fork too. You aren’t eating anymore so it’s fine if I use it, right?

Kashu: Okay, I’ve got to hurry and finish the rest.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kashu: Ah~ I’m stuffed~ Guess it was a little too much for you since it managed to make me full.

Kashu: Ahaha, sorry about that. But I managed to nab some pretty good data from this~

Kashu: Yup, it’s suuper important data♪ But if you’re asking why it’s important… Hehehe~ Well now, that’s a secret!

Kashu: Ahaha! See you then. Till tomorrow~

Hina: ………...

Hina: (Haa...I’m beat. Still, what was that all about in the end?)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hina: What should I do now?

Choice A: Speed-eating competition! Choice B: Go treasure hunting.

[artificialqueens]

All the Love To You and Yours (Branjie) - Mac

AN: Kind of a continuation from Can’t You See I’m Burning, that explains all the different Brocks. I have a few more Brocks, but I wasn’t sure if anyone was interested in the others. I wanted to get the main Brocks out of the way. If ya’ll want I can do a part 2 with some more Brocks.

Summary: All the different Brocks, and how Jose loves each of them.

Worried Brock was the most prevalent of all the Brocks.

He was the one that dominated Brock’s mind during the competition. Well, Worried Brock and Professional Brock shared that really. Worried Brock took precedent though. Every challenge that was cause to fret brought about Worried Brock. He would pace, and he would pick at his nails, and he would tear skin from his lips.

Jose could always tell when he was dealing with Worried Brock because his lips felt different when they kissed.

But even after the show had finished airing, Worried Brock still found a way into their lives. Worried Brock would check that he locked the door at least three times before bed, two if it was a good night. Worried Brock left the lights in the bathroom on. Worried Brock kept his shoes by the bedroom door. Worried Brock kept his things in bags when he visited.

Worried Brock used to keep his heart in his bedside drawer in Nashville. When his heart made the 4-and-a-half-hour journey to place itself in Jose’s chest, Worried Brock’s hands clenched at his sides, barely holding back from snatching it up again.

Any challenge seemingly simple brought out Professional Brock, the one that would kiss Jose on the cheek rather than the lips. The one that congratulated him with a smile that didn’t meet his eyes. The one that would wave hello and goodbye and make earsplitting small talk after their breakup. He was nice, but it was forced. It was a forced happy that Jose loathed seeing.

Because Professional Brock was the one everyone else got to see. He was poised and calm and…professional. It was superficial at best, and a mime of who Brock really was at least.

…

Scared Brock was perhaps Jose’s least favorite Brock.

He was the one Jose saw the most of in the weeks leading up to their breakup. His Brock took a backseat as Scared Brock began to take hold. Second guessing every hand hold. Waiting with bated breath after every question. It was like walking on eggshells, if they had already been stepped on and were also on fire.

The glimpses of His Brock became fewer and farther between. Jose was exhausted by the end of it. Trying and failing time and time again to soothe Scared Brock, and coax His Brock, or really any other Brock into appearing.

It was no use.

The damage had been done.

…

Happy Brock lived his best life in the summer.

With the sunshine and the warm air. Happy Brock would (poorly) hum love songs under his breath as he and Jose walked hand and hand down one of the many piers in LA. He would buy Jose ice cream just so he could kiss away the sticky mess Jose inevitably made all over his face. Happy Brock wouldn’t care if when he danced it wasn’t perfect.

Happy Brock was just that, happy.

His forehead never creased, his eyes never sunk back in his head, and his eyes stayed crinkled at the edges.

His eyes shone with the waning light, and Jose swears he had never seen anything more beautiful than Happy Brock’s soft smile at the sunset.

…

Sad Brock took a while to get to know.

He was shut off and kept hidden behind the closed eyelids and padlocked doors that made up Brock’s mind. He wasn’t easy to get to know. He was even harder to love.

But Jose made do.

He took his time.

Getting to know bits and pieces of Sad Brock. Learning his likes and dislikes. What to say if and when he made an appearance. How to tell the difference between Sad Brock and Brock being sad. It was a faint distinction, but one that existed in the space it took to wrap his arms around Brock’s shoulders. Small, but not insignificant.

Sad Brock appeared more frequently when he drank, or maybe Brock just cared less about locking the door behind himself. Sad Brock would drink too much tequila and call Jose pretty and perfect and all the other names that Jose used to preen under. But they wouldn’t be said the same way. They would be said like Brock lost the word halfway through saying it. Like he had lost…something.

He had.

They both had.

…

Jose loved Brock, all the Brocks. But, his favorite by far was His Brock.

His Brock was thoughtful. Getting him a personalized necklace for his birthday with one of Brock’s nicknames on it, so that Jose could always have a Brock with him, next to his heart, where he belonged.

His Brock bought flowers just because. Always a different kind. He would come home with a bouquet and a card that had the meaning of the different flowers. He would read it to Jose while the younger man placed kisses all over his face. His Brock would pretend to get mad saying “Don’t you want to hear why Lilies are the flower for purity?” Jose would shake his head and make an off-color joke about purity that would make Brock giggle. The kind that made his nose scrunch up, and his laugh lines visible. Jose would kiss them sweetly, until Brock gave up trying to educate his boyfriend.

His Brock took them to meet his parents only two months into dating.

Jose expected to see Worried or Scared Brock as he shook Mama Hytes’ hand, but on that trip, the only Brock visible was His Brock.

His Brock was proud to show him off at every opportunity. Family friends, schoolmates, even the occasional stranger in passing. His Brock dominated the trip. Maybe it was because they were in Brock’s home country that he felt the way he did. His Brock would kiss him in the street with no warning, hold his hand at every opportunity, place a hand on his lower back to lead him, and love him unapologetically in the open. Jose had never seen Brock like this; this free spirit. Usually bogged down by Worried or Professional Brock, there was hardly PDA between the two, but something about the Canadian air must have triggered something in Brock, because he couldn’t keep his hands to himself the entire time.

It was an overwhelming, but not unwelcome influx of affection.

His Brock took care of him.

Jose felt emotions strongly. This was not news to anyone. It was one of the things His Brock liked best about him. His ability to be so honest with his own feelings, no matter what feelings they were. The first fight in ‘Untucked’ had shown Brock the uglier side of that coin. Jose had worried that would be the final nail in the coffin so to speak, but it only made Brock strive to learn better how to handle Jose when he got too hyped up.

He learned. It took time, but he learned. He learned that Jose could get just as quiet as he could get loud. He learned that too many mimosas made Jose sleepy rather than rowdy, but too many tequilas made him dancy and impossible to sleep next too.

He learned all of this, and he stayed even after.

His Brock still took care of him after they broke up.

His Brock appeared at Jose’s door with supplies, and an open heart when Jose had called him in a fevered state. Jose had been burning, maybe less from the fever than originally thought, but Brock had brought a firetruck. Doused the flame in the time it took them to curl up together as if nothing had changed.

…

Brock loved him.

They never said it, any of them, but Jose knew. He knew from the first few kisses in the werkroom. He knew from the first panic attack he had to coax Brock through, he knew from the moment he introduced Brock to his mom.

He knew.

He always knew.

So, when it came time for His Brock to no longer be His, it was hard.

And it sucked.

It sucked so fucking much.

It sucked even worse because all the other Brocks were there. All the other Brocks he had learned to love were on tour with him. Smiling in his dressing room, or crying into Nina’s shoulder pads, or pacing up and down the narrow hallway, or locking the door behind himself.

All the Brocks Jose loved were there, except the one that loved him back.

[fly-pow-bye]

Powerpuff Girls 2016 - The Final Stack Up (The Worst)

It’s been a good time, friends, but the time has come. Which episodes managed to be the worst of them all?

This is the final stack up, and it's not just me saying that because the phrase "stack up" just caught on in my vocabulary. Out of all of the episodes, I'm going to make two different stacks of episodes: which episodes were the worst, and which were among the least worst. I would say "best", but I feel like that's a bit overselling even for those episodes. Let's start off with the worst, because I just want to get that out of the way.

Here's the criteria for that list:

It must be an episode of PPG 2016. As much as its quality is rather surprising, I consider TTG v. PPG a Teen Titans Go episode. While it even features one of the crew members, it has the Teen Titans Go animation, the Teen Titans Go theme song, and, for better or worse, the Teen Titans Go humor. Also, the Narrator appears in it for more than 10 seconds, and that’s just not allowed in PPG 2016.

It must be at least an episode of PPG 2016. The shorts are just too short and simple to rate among the full episodes, and I'm not rating PSAs or commercials. If one needs to know, Bubbs and Donny Get The Mail is the worst, and Mojo Builds A Shelf is the best.

In a challenge to myself, I have to say at least one good thing about each episode. I'd like to believe there's at least something good in even the worst of media.

This is my opinion and my opinion alone. There's some universally hated episodes I personally did not hate as much, and I am sure there’s going to be episodes people love that I did not particularly care for. It does not mean their opinion is wrong. In fact, this list is based on my current opinions, so that can even apply to past me's opinions.

Let’s roll.

The Bottom 10:

Without further ado, let's wade through the muck first, starting with...

10. A Star Is Blossom

At first, I didn’t think this episode was particularly horrible; the review even initially had a Neutral Buttercup, the “bad, but not that bad” rating. The more I thought about it, the more I felt this episode wasn’t deserving of it.

The whole episode hinges on Blossom being uncharacteristically evil and jealous of her sister’s success, to the point where she locks her in a boiler room all so she can be the red-haired warrior woman that she wants. It all just turns into this non-sequitur plot with this Viking woman that doesn’t really do much for me. Erica the Red was more annoying than anything, with her being so tough, butch, and not particularly bright being her only character trait. They do try to throw that moral about not being jealous in there somewhere, and it just feels forced.

I would be remiss to talk about one rather infamous aspect of the episode: the way it uses Jared Shapiro, a new “love interest” character. He seemingly has no other character in most of the episodes he appears in than being the love interest of a girl who is barely past the “boys have cooties” age. While this is not the worst episode with him in it, this is the episode where he’s the creepiest. One example is where Jared attempts to kiss Bubbles right on the lips, and Bubbles shouts for her understudy in apparent horror. That was the big joke to end the episode, and all it did was make me feel queasy even when I pretended to not hate this episode.

Good thing: I did enjoy Ms. Moss a little more here than in Drama Bomb, even if Drama Bomb was better in most ways. Maybe it’s because she isn’t entirely the villain of the plot, even if she was the cause of the problem. The viking problem, not the Blossom jealousy problem.

9. Snow Month

Snow Month: the episode that aired during Winter that explicitly takes place during Spring. Admittedly, they probably needed an episode to air during Christmas time, and there were no Christmas episodes in Season 1. Airing Twas The Fight Before Christmas was not an option. While I could see showing off the original would confuse viewers into thinking this series was good, it certainly would have been better than this episode.

That screenshot shows the truth, this is an episode where Jared is a major player. This was meant to be his very first appearance, though thanks to the mixup, episodes featuring him as Blossom's fantasy boyfriend have already aired. Here, we get to see him outside of Blossom's fantasies, giving her a note asking if she likes him. This utterly terrifies Blossom, and at least sickened me, and she causes a Snow Month to prevent her from seeing him again. To be fair to Blossom, I would want to avoid Jared, too.

There's a subplot involving this titular snow month causing a bunch of yetis to move into Townsville; yetis that act like rich yuppie tourists that openly discriminate against people that aren't their kind. Either that, or they were terrified people that had to leave the Matterhorn because of butthead yetis who destroy buildings. They can't seem to decide if all yetis are bad.

As for the other plot, it just ends with a total cop-out where Jared didn't really mean anything with that note. Throughout the series, no real progress is made with the Jared and Blossom relationship, even when Blossom just outright blurts out that she's in love with him in another episode. Happening to share the name of a certain spokesperson is only one of his problems...and that's the last I'll say about that.

Good thing: There's a cute sledding scene. I just found it cute, and Blossom even uses her powers at one point. It's good.

8. Professor Proofed

We go from one male character I didn't really like to another, and this time it's a character that is trying to be one character from the original. I'm not saying that the original Professor Utonium was an absolutely perfect father figure with no flaws whatsoever, but the reboot's version of him seems to be written more like a Sitcom Dad most of the time.

While he was making a growth ray, Sitcom Dad gets into an accident thanks to his bumbling and dangerous actions. And by bumbling and dangerous actions, I mean Buttercup shook a pepper cloud in his face. Yet, it's his fault, apparently, and he ends up becoming a man in a protective bubble. Sitcom Dad just goes along with all of this, because he decided he's not going to do anything of worth in this episode other than being. He's more of a prop than anything.

That's it, really, the episode is just a one note premise that doesn't do much with it. There's a giant baby caused by that growth ray, but the most they do with him is have him cover Bubbles with spit. If "kids being overprotective of their parents" is the funniest joke ever, this episode does not prove it.

Good thing: There's some decent commentary on inattentive parents. Oh, not from Sitcom Dad, but from the parent of the baby that becomes a giant.

7. Memory Lane of Pain

If you asked me which of the three Reboot Puffs is my least favorite a year ago, I'd say Bubbles. She's the only one that's inconsistent. Some episodes, she's an insufferable brat and/or crybaby. Other episodes, she's impossibly stupid, and not because she's written with child-like naivety. And in this episode, she's written as if she's the most incompetent superheroine alive.

This is one of those "three shorts" episodes, though it's really two and a really lousy ending. Blossom takes on the Rubber Bandit while Bubbles gets destroyed by a Dali dolly bomb, Buttercup takes on Popsicles while Bubbles gets turned into one of those ice cream bars, and Bubbles gets to learn that she's an everyday hero by a bunch of people talking about how she saved kittens and joined barbershop quartets. What?

I get what the ending was supposed to allude to: you don't have to be especially talented or have superpowers to be a hero. The problem is...Bubbles is a superhero. She has definitely been a major factor in saving the day in several episodes before this one. It just wasn't enough for this reboot to stab Bubbles' original voice actress in the heart, they had to stab all of the Bubbles fans in the heart as well, and that's terrible.

Good thing: The way the Rubber Bandit and Popsicles were taken down were pretty cool, and I would think if they were in episodes that weren't meant to be torture for the poor little blue teddy bear, they may have been okay.

6. Buttercup Vs. Math

As much flack as I gave the idea of giving Bubbles the ability to code in Viral Spiral, especially considering this reboot's constant gag of her misspelling words, at least I can argue that Viral Spiral was a decent enough episode to get girls into a STEM field. This episode, at first glance, appears to have the same mission, except instead of Bubbles and programming, it's Buttercup and mathematics. After watching this, I grew to appreciate Viral Spiral a lot more.

In this episode, we see Buttercup has a knack for math, testing herself into honors math. This gets her the disdain of people she considered her friends, even more jealousy from one of her sisters, and she has to hang out with nerd stereotypes that would make Urkel disgusted that call her a "math queen". It's no wonder Buttercup spends the entire episode fighting against this trait that's just forced upon her. This is the exact opposite of Viral Spiral; it makes math look like something only for super nerds, and people interested in math should be ashamed of themselves.

A special focus should be put on how they treated Blossom in this episode. In Viral Spiral, Blossom was glad to see Bubbles getting into coding. Here, it's A Star Is Blossom times 100, as she gets angry at the thought that the "muscle" of the group tested into honor's math and she did not. In the end, Blossom tries to take on the math-based villain, and ends up getting turned into a literal zero. That's it, really. Only at the very end does this episode give Math the respect it deserves, and it's so tacked on that I wonder if it was all meant to be a gigantic joke. If it was, it was not funny.

Good thing: The battle scene does at least give a good lesson about math: don't just take it all in at once, simplify it! Also, they did a joke involving decapitating Barry. Not that I hate Barry, far from it, but the fact that they even did anything like that is surprising.

5. Horn, Sweet Horn

Bubbles finds a new BFF, a horse with a cardboard tube on his head named Donny. While most horses just whinny, this horse can whine. He can whine about how while the horn he had was mere cardboard, he knows that inside, he's a bonafide unicorn. Since Bubbles really wants to be friends with a unicorn, she takes this wanna-be corn to the lab and tells the Professor to change him with his transmogrification ray so he can fulfill his dreams. Everything goes downhill after that.

With this talk about being a unicorn inside, Sitcom Dad warning Donny that it's his body and it's a serious choice, and a line about "adolescent self discovery" later in the episode, some may believe that this episode was meant to be a gender identity allegory. In fact, that was said to be the case in an interview with the two directors of the show. If that was the case, maybe having that transmogrification ray turn him into an out of control monster was not the best idea. To be fair, one of the writers had come out and said that the allegory wasn't intentional, though they decided to wait until after everyone shared their disgust with this episode to say that it wasn't.

Donny is just a terrible character all around, and he will prove it even more in another episode. Hint, hint. In this one, all he does in this episode is whine. Wah, I'm not a unicorn. Wah, science ruined me. Wah, I hate you for doing this, Bubbles. Slap. Wah, what have I done. The ending is ridiculous as well; it turns out that Donny's hair was hiding a horn this whole time. If I had a horn on my head, I would certainly feel it even if my hooves couldn't reach it.

In the end, Bubbles gets a horn that will summon him, which she will never use. Sadly, it turns out Donny can just barge in at any time without it. Oh well.

Good thing: A coalition of unicorns could have led to more interesting stories. I am really stretching for positives with this episode in particular; the only reason why it's even this high up is that it just didn't offend me as much as the next four.

4. Once Upon A Townsville

The Powerpuff Girls try to make a stereotypical Disney-esque princess into a superhero, something she is clearly not, and, in the end, they learn the lesson that people should accept each other for what they are. On paper, that doesn't sound like a bad episode, but the way this episode handles it is just questionable to say the very least. Simply put, this episode is about the Powerpuff Girls saving a princess from putting herself in grave danger, and they're considered the bad guys.

There's even a whole montage of her putting herself in grave danger, and except for one scene, it's more disturbing than funny. In the end, the episode seems to give the Powerpuff Girls a stern lesson over their actions in this episode, as if they were in the wrong for saving her from what are essentially suicide attempts! What were they supposed to do, let her die? I'm all for letting girls be themselves, but there is a limit to that.

At least they got into the Disney-esque spirit by making this one a musical, and one of the songs, otherwise a complete ripoff of Missy Elliot's Work It, has a Buttercup beatbox solo featuring stock images of the elderly. I wondered if it was meant to be a joke about how these old characters are desperately trying to be hip to the youth that this reboot is supposed to be for.

Oh, Once Upon A Townsville, if only there was someone who loved you. Well, the Emmys did, as they gave this one this reboot's only Emmy nomination. Sometimes, the Emmys are wrong. Either that, or Cartoon Network should have submitted a different episode.

Good thing: I kind of liked the joke where Buttercup keeps swapping away all of the poisoned apples. At least those only put princesses to sleep.

3. Painbow

Here it is, this reboot's most infamous episode. Clips of this episode became infamous overnight, and everyone seems to agree that this is the episode that shows how bad the Powerpuff Girls reboot truly is. While I disagree with the notion that this is the absolute worst, I cannot disagree that this episode deserves to be on this list. The episode involves the Powerpuff Girls having to stop a rainbow that causing everyone to be unnecessarily happy...except them, because they ate anti-mind-control pineapples. Better explanation than the nothing they give in the episode itself.

This all leads to the worst minute in reboot history. While this show's rainbow dimension sears anyone's eyes slightly harder than an episode of Problem Solverz, we get Blossom referencing the "literally can't even" meme of the early 2010s right after hearing Bubbles say "OMG, yas!". Not too long later, we get the scene that most people think about when they think about PPG 2016.

The twerk scene. To be honest, I think people are really overselling this scene. It's bad, it's uncomfortable, and it dates the show, sure, but there's a lot more to hate about this episode. The animation errors that are even more numerous in this episode, Sitcom Dad in a speedo, the fact that Allegro is just a bad Him wannabe, I could go on far longer than I did in my initial review.

There is supposed to be a moral about how there's a time to be serious and a time to be funny, and we know this because Buttercup outright blurts it out near the end of the episode. It's easy to be distracted from that, considering everything else. It's a bad episode that is worthy of the first Disgusted Buttercup. However, it's not the worst episode of Season 1.

Good thing: The way Buttercup punches out Allegro in the end is pretty well animated by reboot standards.

2. Odd Bubbles Out

No, this is the worst episode of Season 1. Because they just knew Horn Sweet Horn was going to be a huge hit, they just had to make another episode featuring this not-so-lovable hell horn, and this one is worse in every possible aspect. The episode involves Donny getting together with Bubbles, even down to going to school with her. Nobody questions why a unicorn is walking around with them, but I can ignore that. He then makes a brand new friend named Chelsea, which makes Bubbles really, really angry because how dare he make another friend. Not to say that there are other reasons, of course.

If I were to give Horn, Sweet Horn one thing; at least I know who was the most annoying character in that episode. Donny just hangs out with Chelsea off-screen, not even talking to Bubbles and treating her like she's not as cool. Bubbles is acting like some crazy ex-girlfriend over Chelsea even existing; it's as if Donny should only have her, and she makes no effort in joining in any of the activities Donny is doing. Maybe the idea was that neither Donny nor Bubbles were in the right, but all this really does is give me an episode where nobody was likable.

...and then Chelsea turned out to be an evil robot made by this show's version of Mojo Jojo, all so Bubbles can look good treating her like an irredeemable enemy. Kind of funny how the "silly monkey with the silly hat" that I call Discount Jojo for various reasons hasn't even appeared in this list until now. Most of his worst moments just aren't in the absolute worst episodes, it seems.

Good thing: ...and honestly, his plan in this episode isn't one of his worst moments at all. Making a fake robot friend was one of the better Discount Jojo plans. Such a shame it was wasted on this episode.

Dishonorable Mentions:

Hustlecup - No episode from Season 3 made the Bottom 10, but that's not to say that Season 3 didn't have any stinkers. In fact, this episode would have been the number 11 pick if I went that far. A sports episode where the sports parts are written very poorly, an ending that does not make sense, and a waste of what should have been a special appearance by one of the Gorillaz.

Quarantine - Quarantine was practically a blank check for what could be a really funny episode: Mojo Jojo and the Powerpuff Girls stuck in a room together. If only it was the actual Mojo Jojo, and the Powerpuff Girls didn't just relegate themselves to just constantly beating him up. It's just a painful episode all around, and could also be a good candidate for a #11.

The Wrinkle-Gruff Gals - Hey kids! Are you being bullied for being different? Why not follow their advice and try being different? I was way too easy on this one.

Tiara Trouble: In theory, an episode that involves the villains participating in a talent show should be a laugh riot. It's too bad most of the jokes are, "tee hee, what if they were dressed in women's clothing?" Also, it gave us the infamous Bubbles No Me Gusta face, which is up there with the you-know-what scene from Painbow.

Presidential Punchout - A really bad version of Impeach Fuzz. The only good thing about this episode is that it shows a universe where the most sane candidate could win an election. If only, if only.

Halt and Catch Silico - The most interesting villain that the reboot managed to cooked up is tarnished by this episode, as we get to hear his very confusing and laughable even in-universe origin story. Anyone's imaginations could have done better; they may as well have kept it a secret forever.

Huh, confusing and laughable origin stories, what does that remind me of? Admittedly, including this episode is a little against the second rule for this list, as it is just one part of a multiple-part special. However, it has certain unique and horrific traits about it that really puts it over the edge. And that episode is...

1. Bliss Reminisce

As a whole, The Power of Four wasn't bad. It had a solid opening, a slightly-less-solid ending, and a rather boring middle part that could have been cut down by an episode. Oh, and there's this part. There is so much I could say about this episode's flaws that I could make a top 10 just of the worst parts in it. In fact...I'll do it right now!

The Top 10 Reasons Why Bliss Reminisce Is The Worst Episode of PPG 2016:

This is more in hindsight, but out of the entire series, this is the only time in the entire reboot that Chemical X is ever mentioned in the episodes themselves. Such an important item in this series, and it's never used outside of what is essentially a joke in this episode.

Discount Jojo adds basically nothing to Bliss' origin story. They could have at least explained that Bliss was the inspiration for him pushing the Professor into the Chemical X, but we don't even get that. All it adds is that Jojo was Bliss's only friend at one point, which has at least one negative connotation.

That face Jojo makes in the middle of the episode, complete with stock image eyes and lips. Eugh.

Her name isn't just Bliss, it is Blisstina Franchesca Francis Mariam Alicia Utonium. Even disregarding that overly long names is a trope associated with overly idealistic fan characters, what the hell is a Blisstina? I know what a blossom, bubbles, a buttercup, a bunny, and a bullet are, but there is no such thing as a blisstina. They could have just stuck with Bliss.

Sitcom Dad is kind of a jerk to the other three throughout this whole episode, which clashes with his appearance in the last episode. There's sort of a reason for this, and I'll get to it a little bit later in the list.

Discount Jojo wants to tell his side of the story, but the Powerpuff Girls make him skip over the whole pushing Sitcom Dad into the chemicals part. I can't help but think this was done to not ruin that "great joke" that appears later in this list, but it also makes me wonder if they were even aware of one of the biggest reasons for Jojo being their arch-nemesis.

Sitcom Dad promising that he'll never leave Bliss, and, a few seconds later, he has to leave to get an reward for "best ham"! Sitcom Dad, everyone!

He even dares to say that Bliss is his favorite of all of his creations, despite ignoring her existence for the past 5 years or however long its been since the Powerpuff Girls were created. Again, seems to be a trope associated with overly idealistic fan characters.

We do learn that Bliss is made from Chemical W. That's fine, it gives an explanation to how she has so many powers that the Powerpuff Girls don't have. What I can't accept is that we learn that he not only accidentally knocked into a vat of Chemical W, but every Chemical from A to V as well! There is no indication whatsoever that this wan't just inspired by someone saying, "Chemical X, what about Chemical A through W, wakka wakka!"

Oh, that whole Professor Utonium making the Powerpuff Girls because he wanted a family, or being inspired by an incident involving time travel? No, silly, it's because he was envious of another scientist who did the same thing! The Reboot Puffs were made out of envy, really good to know. That scientist and her creation will never become important, ever; she's just there to take credit and decency away from the man they dare to call Professor Utonium.

Oh, and I didn't like it.

Good thing: It would be impossible to do a top 10 best things about this episode, but there is a mediocre joke involving a garage door that almost made my constant frown at this episode disappear.

With bad episodes like these, why did I continue to watch the show? I would say it's my job, but I didn't really get paid for this. Turns out, there are some okay to even, gasp, good episodes of this show. Episodes that actually made me happy that I did this experiment. I certainly would have never experienced them if I decided to quit watching the reboot after Season 1, which was my initial plan.

In the end, I felt it deserves to be its own article. See you tomorrow for The Best.

← Sideline Dad ☆ The Final Stack-Up (The Best) →

[talkagency]

The Best SEO Tactics to Use in 2019

Digital marketing and search engine optimisation tactics change all the time. If you want to rank on top, then you’ll need to familiarise yourself with all the recent trends and popular SEO tactics.

Achieving high rankings is not as easy as it used to be, but it doesn’t have to be difficult either. Keep reading to find out how to drive organic traffic to your website in 2019.

Keywords Make the World Go Round

You probably know this already, but ranking without making proper use of keywords is nearly impossible. There are hundreds of free tools that can help you with that, but here are the ten best that we love and use all the time.

Finding the keywords is only the first step. To create engaging content that will rank high you need to know your audience and write for them. Keywords are great but they mean nothing if you don’t know what your target audience is searching for.

Think of questions that your target audience might ask. Then answer them in small chunks. By breaking up content into smaller, more manageable chunks, you increase your chances of taking the highly sought-after featured snippet spot.

    Better User Experience

Google is sworn to provide users with the best user experience possible as they strive to meet the user’s intent with every query. Google does this better than any other search engine in the world.

More time spent on a website and a reduced bounce rate are good indicators of user satisfaction. Google rewards sites that have low bounce rates with higher page ranking.

That all sounds great, but how do you actually improve user experience?

  Work on Your Writing

Everything you write needs to serve a specific purpose. Fill the page with promises, or just write about your favourite ice cream. Whatever you do, make sure that you always optimise for readability.

You want to engage people and captivate your audience with interesting blog post titles and exciting content. The better the content, the more time users will spend browsing through your pages.

Of course, it’s not just about the content itself. Formatting also plays a crucial role and you should aim to get it right. Generally, you want to keep paragraphs nice and short, while consciously alternating the length of sentences. Content that flows better reads better, simple as that.

The truth is that people don’t really read content, they scan through it. The average person spends just 37 seconds reading content online. Make it easier for readers to scan through your website by formatting properly: headings, sub-headings, bullet points, and images; anything that pleases the eye!

Don’t forget that you’re a marketer. Unless you’re running a charity, we suppose that your goal is to maximise sales. Your marketing strategy may be spot on, but the copy on your web page needs to be perfect too. That means no spelling errors, no grammar mistakes.

You want to engage people and captivate your audience with interesting blog post titles and exciting content. The better the content, the more time users will spend browsing through your website.

Work on Page Design & Speed

Good page design improves user experience. The most important things are big and pop out whereas the rest sit quietly in the background. Anything that’s not necessary or is cluttering the user’s screen needs to go.

Analysis of data from thousands of website shows that users are more likely to convert on a website when all the required information is clearly visible. Your products and services should be accessible at all times, preferably never more than two clicks away.

Your landing page should be designed to impress. Think beautiful navigation bars and captivating visuals. Focus on one single idea and stick to it throughout. Will the page promote your brand as a whole, or will it be used as a means of promoting a new product or service?

Needless to say, your page needs to run fast too. No one will wait 30 seconds for your super-slow website to load. You have 2 seconds, if that. An online tool, such as PageSpeed Insights can identify underlying speed issues and come up with suggestions to improve speed.

It’s usually just a matter of minifying unnecessary code and compressing large images. You should also enable browser caching to make sure regular users don’t have to wait more than a few seconds for your page to load.

Optimise for Voice Search

Did you know that 40% of adults use voice search at least once per day? Voice search is fast and convenient, and its success is a testament to our laziness. Jokes aside, voice search matters because it largely affects SEO.

The big giants designed voice search assistants that reply to our queries like a friend would. As a result, voice searches directed to them are often longer and much more conversational than regular searches.

This is why you need to make sure you use natural-sounding language when producing content. It’s also a good idea to form queries into question phrases and target long-tail keywords.

Most voice searches are carried out on mobile devices. Effectively, this means that your website needs to be optimised for mobile.

Voice-based searches performed using a mobile phone are 3 times more likely to be location specific, which is exactly why so many SEO strategies today focus on local SEO.

Size Does Matter

Gone are the days when you could rank number one with a 400-word blog post. Studies show that size does matter as long-form content tends to rank higher on the SERPS.

We know what you’re thinking. You may not have the time to write 2,500-word articles, but the stats don’t lie. That is not to say that you absolutely cannot rank with shorter blog posts.

Yes, statistically longer-form content tends to rank higher on Google, but at the end of the day, rankings still reflect the satisfaction of user intent. It all depends.

For example, if you’re writing a quick start Google Analytics guide, you’d want a post that’s at least 1,500 words. An in-depth guide would have to be at least 2,500 words long.

More specific ‘how to’ queries may be easily answered within a few hundred words, which is probably exactly what the user’s looking for anyway.

Link building

Once upon a time, backlinks ruled the SEO world. Even today, they are still the number one ranking factor according to Google. It’s actually extremely hard to rank high without a proper link building strategy in place.

Keep in mind that not all links are good links. You should avoid linking to websites with low ratings as that can affect your own ratings too. If you really want to link to a questionable source (maybe you’re trying to prove a point), you can use a no-follow link with your anchor text.

The real challenge, however, is getting high-quality sources to link to your content. Focus on filling the gaps, offering new and original content. Think fresh and stay unique.

Technical SEO

You may get everything right and still struggle to rank high on the search results. If you’ve tried it all but your website still ranks low, then you can probably blame it on bad technical optimisation.

Technical SEO optimisation takes time and effort (which is why we always recommend that you leave it to professionals), but there are some things you can do right now to improve your ranking:

  Switch from the old HTTP web protocol to HTTPS. Google warns users when they attempt to enter a website that doesn’t make use of an encrypted connection.

Implement AMP for mobile. Accelerated Mobile Pages takes care of HTML tags, javascript and caches, allowing publishers to create responsive and mobile-optimised content.

Correct your semantic markups. Key information on your website should be clearly visible with proper HTML tags.

Fix 404 errors. Tools like Monitor Backlinks can help you detect and redirect dead links. There’s nothing more frustrating than landing on an error page, that much we can tell you!

  Are you ready to put these tactics to the test and take the SEO world by storm? Head over to our blog for more awesome SEO tips and tricks that will help you rank today!

  Article first published here: The Best SEO Tactics to Use in 2019

[svbjetarch]

☁ ( jiwon x liu ming )

            .• ♕ ┊        LET THE MUSIC PLAY.

          FIVE TIMES MEME           Status   :   Accepting           @anvmone

            Jiwon ✗ Liu Ming       THE FIRST       She couldn't sleep, it hardly ever happened but she wasn't able to, instead she only observed the numbers on her phone change every minute, every hour. It was way past midnight, way too late to message anyone although she would give a damn lot to have Daeho right there next to her, driving her crazy with his skills and making her body burn with his fingers and mouth, oh, how much she would love to experience this right here and there. But she didn't act on it, instead she got up to change her clothes by leaving behind her pajamas and replace them with workout equipment, headphones put into her ears as she moved through the hallways and out onto a terrace, a place nobody would interrupt her at a time like this, no Abelle getting disturbed by her movements and activity, no housemaids to watch her and start gossiping, she was well hidden within the darkness of night. The movements came slowly, along with the sound of music to fill her brain and overtune all kinds of thoughts she might have, and the longer she lost her mind to the music the more pictures came in, remembering the way that dancer on the streets had moved his body, the unique flow his movements had posessed, it had caught her attention since the first moment, now it took hold of her once again, capturing not only her interest but also the way she danced to the music, inspired by his style, trying to work it into the way she swayed her body. It was carved into her brain for hours, extorting her body until the end, she was hardly able to breath when the sun went up and the first light shining upon the city, declaring the end of her dance session due the knowledge that she might get caught. She had to end it there, take a bath, put on new clothes until she was hours later at the usual spot, ice cream in her hands while waiting for her admirable dancer to start his performance but it was but another day she only watched him, not daring to speak to him just yet.

      THE SECOND       It was funny, she had gotten so hooked to that dancer's skill she had been using her break times to do some research, had found out his name, his recognition and some recordings of his dancing in public. Jiwon. She had gotten to know his name after weeks now but while she knew his name, she still hadn't dared to contact him in any possible way, it was only that she was hung up on her thoughts. Contacts worked well amongst dancers and even with the few people she knew, one way or another she had gotten to know about his appearance in this club, a well known spot for underground dance battles, but although she had caught a glimpse of his figure already, trying her best to memorize the movements he did, it was once again courage that took over her heart but a feeling of coyness and interest. She nipped her drink instead with her eyes glued to his form, the way he alone was able to win one of the rounds after another, until his body lacked the energy and the usual sign for calling a break was shown, she was quick to turn her back to the bar, seeing him come closer. If he were to recognize her, the girl that went to each and every one of his street performances, now also attending the club totally incidentally at the same time he was attendant, it might come across the wrong way, like a stalker following after him. It wasn't really her plan to be misunderstood and she didn't want to be markes as weirdo when they hadn't even gotten to exchange but one word so far. She herself couldn't understand why exactly she didn't dare to talk to him, seven years ago she had just done it and talked to the street performers who had caught her attention, becoming part of their crew only so long until she had become too much of an attention magnet, her skills so drastically evolving they had just kicked her out. Maybe she feared he might do the same, which was so very irrational, not once had he seen her dance and not once had they talked, but the way she saw him joke with friends, it made her envious, she wanted to stand there to ask him about his dance skills and teachings. Instead she but emptied her drink, paid and left. Today was not the day.

      THE THIRD       She had passed by a dance battle on her way from work to one of her usual clubs, it had made her stop for a few minutes, trying to evaluate their skills. There was a voice inside her urging her to go forward and ask them for a challenge, she had the skills, she could beat them, but it had been actions like these that hade made her a hated person in her hometown, the dancers there hadn't liked her but tolerated her in exchange for her spending all her prize money on them. Back then it had seemed like a worthy exchange but looking at it now, it seemed to be somewhat stupid for she had never truly been liked, it was such a contrast to Nico who was giving so much to her when they weren't even related, a few months ago he had hardly even known her and still he had been offering her so much and giving so much to her, it made her look like a stupid little thing for having tried to buy herself some friends. Matter of factly, she had been a stupid little thing, desperate for anything that meant she could escape her father's cruel clutches and she had done it, as long as it had meant not needing to go home. It was for that reason she didn't challenge those dancers right here and there, only smiled to herself when thinking of another scenario, her and Jiwon, they would be able to make them lose their ground but her and Jiwon, that was a thing of impossibility. She had recently managed to get his number but it hadn't been with his knowledge and as much as she would love to just write him, to get to know this skilled dancer, it seemed like a matter of impossibility for she had no reason to ask him for anything and if she needed to exchange the first few words with him, she wanted those to be in person and not something sent from her mobile phone to somehow who wouldn't even know what she looked like. She sighed as she watched another of those dancers join the battle and shook her head, now was not the time to watch them but not was the time to give in to that growing desire for alcohol she had meant to fulfill all night already throughout her shift for men and clients were tiresome folks.

      THE FOURTH       Yet another week of work, yet another cup of coffee in her hands. It was always the same way for she didn't like to use a driver like Nico often did, just taking the busses and trains gave her a certain kind of feeling as if she were actually living a normal life like any other eighteen year old and not making a living by drawing money out of rich men's pockets in a casino she wasn't allowed to work in to then waste it in clubs on drinks and maybe drugs. It wasn't like she felt ashamed of her lifestyle but sometimes she was seeing schoolgirls pass by and wondered what her life would look like if it hadn't all gone wrong on the first day already. She sighed as she passed by the spot she usually sat on once a week to watch Jiwon dance, always giving her the feeling he wasn't actually doing it for money or anything but simply because he loved dancing. He gave her that feeling because she had once been like this as well, dancing on the streets because she loved dancing but it had way too soon turned into a way to earn herself some money for she just needed to get away from her father... She hated the memories but they seemed to just overcome her from time to time and it always made her feel bad, she should just concentrate on the good things in life, the way Nico had taken her in and always cared for her, more so than he had needed for a simple promise given to her brother, or that she had been able to be cast by a crew, she hadn't dared to go out in public yet because she couldn't judge Nico's reaction but to get paid in access to the practice rooms rather than money had been a good enough opportunity, a place for her to be on her own and work on her skills, she didn't want to get rusty just because she had wasted all her time drinking. Even teaching other dancers stuff, it had become entertaining even though it only happened every some weeks, she had no regular class unlike what that crew leader was doing. But the most desirable was to herself get taught some new movements, she loved Jiwon's style and as much as she tried to copy it, it was impossible to do so without the original artist's advices. A silent Chinese curse escaped her when thinking about this but she yet had been too shy to approach him, too intimidated by previous experiences, and when she turned around, crashing into someone who turned out to be the very dancer she admired so much, there seemed to pass a few seconds of her just staring at him with big eyes, it was a perfect situation to just start talking with him but instead she only blurted our an apology in Chinese and fled from the site. Maybe she just hadn't been ready to approach him yet.

      THE FIFTH       It had been a few days now since she had first approached Jiwon after one of his performances and their little chatter and it was still making her heart flutter, not the same way alcohol or sex made her heart flutter nor those extremely good-looking guys in the clubs but in the same way children got excited for seeing their favorite toys beneath Christmas trees, it was a childlike affection to his dancing and skills. For a moment or two she stared at his contact info in her phone, it might be a good chance to test whether it was the right number but after that, what was she supposed to do. Hi, it's the Chinese girl from some days ago you talked to? Do you want to go drink a coffee after your next performance? What a laughable thing to consider... If anything, she would come across as a weirdo for she had his number when they had talked but once with each other and not yet exchanged phone numbers or anything. "Stupid girl..." Muttered words to herself as she pressed the Delete button of the contact, it would be better to just ask him for his number the next time around instead of just using what she had gotten her hands on the wrong way around. She would just ask him the next time she saw him, it was not all that difficult after she had made her first approach. Those were nice intentions set in stone by her downing her drink, she had been limited to one drink an hour unless it was paid by her clients but one thing for sure, she was better at getting her clients drunk rather than ending up wasted herself, something she would be needed to do in ten minutes or something once her break time was over. Next time she saw him she would wask and then she would definitely not deviate from her plans for she truly wanted to achieve at least that bit of plans, a second step to get closer to him and being able to learn his skills, it was a bit of selfish interest mixed with a bit of honestly being intrigued by that bright character of his, how someone could be so very cheerful and joyous as if there never had been any bad happening in the world ever since.

      THE ACT       Her good intentions were still chiseled into her mind as she sat on her usual place on that small wall surrounding a bit of green in the middle of the city, watching Jiwon follow his ever since artistic sense and showed off his skills, it was so calming to have such a kind of weekly event to herself. Just a little while before work to drink her coffee, maybe smoke a cigarette in case she found one of Daeho's in her pockets as she was strictly sticking to her own rule of never buying a package of her own, but that day was no such day in which she had a spare cigarette left so it was only her and her coffee, listening to his unique taste in music while watching his evenly unique style of dancing that always made her smile in admiration, she truly had fallen in love with his skills or maybe otherwise she wouldn't have acted so shy around him. It always was something between half an hour and a full hour she could watch him do, always this little time once a week in which she could just let go of her mind and entirely concentrate on him, forgetting whatever nasty and gropey client she had to tend to this very evening or the soreness between her thighs from her immoral activities of the night ago, it was all pushed aside so she could concentrate on him and try to remember as many of his movements as possible to later on try them out on her own, another one or two hours a week to master those movements she could remember and trying to include them into some of her routines or her free styling. After all, there was a reason she was so good at dancing in clubs for her sheer experience from dance contests in the past and her many practice hours, she had been an unbeaten dictator of the dance floor back in her hometown. Time seemed to pass by way too quickly until she saw him finish his performance, a sign for her to get moving and slowly moving through the usual viewers who had been moving now that the performance was over, until she finally was closer to him and once again she crouched down in front of his backpack, her phone already out with the page for a new contact open for him to just grab it and save his number there. It made her heart beat heavily with excitement, she rarely had this kind of feeling except for those few times she had hit on very special people, making her thrum against her calves with her fingertips until she finally got her phone back, a bright smile on her lips now. She was just like a little child that had finally gotten its favorite treat and she was quick to send a first message to him with her name in it, moving to stand up now that he had finished packing his things. "I'll write you when I next plan on going for practice. Maybe you can join me then."

[aion-rsa]

The Scoop on Buff Monster and The Melty Misfits

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

Presented by:

This story appears in the Den of Geek x eBay special edition trading card magazine.

The first thing you notice about Buff Monster is his name, one that conjures up mental images of a werewolf pumping iron. In reality, this NYC-based fortysomething is an unassuming guy who has become one of the world’s most in-demand street artists thanks to his unrelentingly optimistic work. Typically populated by sentient scoops of ice cream, Buff’s art (despite whatever his parents may have called him in his youth, Monster’s website is quick to point out that he considers his current moniker his “real” name) is as welcome as a trip to an ice cream parlor on a blazing summer’s day.

When glancing at Buff Monster’s works, it’s easy to get lost in the disorienting nostalgia it evokes. Does his art recall an impossible, idealized past? Or are his ice cream minions marching us all towards a better world full of all-you-can-eat unity and friendship? The Melty Misfits trading cards certainly make the latter feel true.

Since 2012, Monster’s various series of The Melty Misfits (produced with Tom Lichtman of Sidekick Labs Trading Card Publishing) have meticulously recreated the look and feel of vintage Garbage Pail Kids cards—using now-antiquated printing presses and custom-made sticker paper to recreate the feeling of unwrapping wax packs in the 1980s.

His characters are less gross than their GPK inspirations, but just as lovable, which is doubtlessly the reason that he is currently partnering with eBay for a special pack of The Melty Misfits this year that will introduce these creamiest of collectibles to an entirely new audience. 

DEN OF GEEK: Tell me about the origins of The Melty Misfits cards.

Buff Monster: Tom [Lichtman] is a manufacturer, or he’s like a mad scientist that cares about vintage trading cards and has these old printing presses. He didn’t really have a say in the art because that’s not really his specialty. I didn’t know what the art was going to be at that point, I just agreed that we’d do it. We agreed on a production schedule, we agreed on a deadline. And it was up to me to figure out what these cards were going to be.

This humanoid ice cream character that I’ve been using now didn’t exist back then.

I really needed to develop this character in a very short period of time. Thinking about what kind of jokes or gags or situations this character would be in. And then to actually make the art.

What was the initial artistic process like for the cards?

I had always wanted to do airbrushing. So I had to buy an airbrush, I had to learn how to use the airbrush. That period of time to create those first 30 characters which became Series 1 was totally crazy. I was sleeping a short while, getting up, cranking through, taking a nap in the middle of the day, and working as late as I could. It was just this relentless, crazy period to get all this artwork done.

What’s remarkable about The Melty Misfits is that they have your style and aesthetic while still paying tribute to previous card lines like the Garbage Pail Kids through how authentic they seem.

I used to work in magazines and I have a background in printing and pre-production and all that sort of stuff, so I know this stuff. You have to understand the history of printing, and you have to understand the resolution that things are printed at, which is called line screening when it comes to printing. Most people don’t think about line screening even these days because in magazines or anything it could be done, like super digital—and the printing is going to end up nice and crisp and high-def and sharp. But that’s not how trading cards were printed in the ’80s. They were actually rezzed down. What I do is I tell the printer to dial that back to the resolution they would have been printed at in the ’80s. So it’s a subtle thing.

I asked my printer, “Does anyone else ask you to do this?” They said, “No one asks us to do this.” And that’s what I would assume because no one knows this and no one would even ask for this because everyone wants the new thing, the shiny thing, the high-def thing. And it’s like, “It’s not what I want.”

I’d be remiss if I didn’t ask about your favorite Garbage Pail Kids.

They all had an influence. Their roundedness, the eternal cuteness in the face of whatever situation they’re in. There’s a character from Series 3 of an ice cream cone thrown down on the ground, that one I think maybe subconsciously had an impact on me. I have a huge Garbage Pail Kids collection. I have a ton of stuff. Garbage Pail Kids from around the world, test wrappers, crazy stuff. But what I really focus on is the art. So I have the pencil sketches from Series 1 cards. I have color roughs. I have a few final paintings.

The ice cream one, Basking Robin from Series 3, card number 101, I have the original pencil sketch for that. I think I might have the color rough. I’ve got to dig through my collection and see. But yes, I’ve been able to kind of track down some of these ones that I really like.

I wanted to ask about your “We Will Persevere” poster because optimism is such a major part of your work. Are you finding any challenges in maintaining that, given COVID and the current political climate? How do you maintain that level of positivity right now?

With that poster in particular, “We Will Persevere,” that was originally presented as an opportunity to address COVID, and the day the poster was due was just after all the protests started after George Floyd. And so putting a fine point on it as it relates to COVID just seems inappropriate. 

Now the poster, if it was just for COVID, it probably wouldn’t be too terribly different. And I did think about making a finer point of things, racial injustice, Black Lives Matter, this pandemic, the terrible president, but ultimately I thought, “I don’t think that’s quite the way to go.”

I always come back to what is going to be optimistic, what is going to bring a smile and joy hopefully to people, and also not insult people’s intelligence. I think we’re all aware, I think we’re all paying attention. I don’t think we need to spell it out so crystal clear. I think you can read it in different ways, depending on what you’re most concerned or bothered by. 

What’s the alternative? Just pure chaos and everything just goes to hell? No. We will persevere. It might get worse before it gets better, but we’ve got to move forward. We’ve got to hope for a better future. That’s the only option, right? 

The Golden Melties 

Special The Melty Misfits Series 3 Pack Exclusively for eBay! 

This special pack features three new cards (featuring the as-yet unseen artwork that Buff Monster made for the winners of the three Golden Tickets) plus four random Series 3 cards. The pack costs $5.00 (+S/H) and will be accompanied by a free promo card for the next series of The Melty Misfits, available via eBay at New York Comic Con. 

The post The Scoop on Buff Monster and The Melty Misfits appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/39KrbZ7

[fesahaawit]

That Time We Carried $20,000 Across The Border

[What up, what up! If you’ve ever considered transporting large amounts of cash across international borders, this post is for you ;) As told by Sarah Li Cain from High Fiving Dollars who hopes to never have to do this again! And if you’re reading this on Black Friday – good job. We’re running a site-wide sale today where everything’s 100% off :) Enjoy!]

***********

This is the true story of how we transported $20,000 in cash across international borders. I would have loved to been able to provide photographic evidence of this, but frankly I was scared out of my mind when my boyfriend (now husband) and I decided to actually go through with this.

Instead, here’s a photo of the two of us back in our youth:

[please tell me why I thought those glasses were cool?]

Before I get into how we actually carried across all that money, let’s go over why we actually did it.

I lived in China for 8 years. I must have really liked it because that’s where I met my husband, got married and had a kid.

Among the cool things you get to do? Visit really crazy places. One of the most memorable places was a restaurant called “Modern Toilet” where you literally get served chocolate ice cream in toilet bowls. I’m not kidding.

[The food wasn’t bad!]

While there were many great things I loved about China, unfortunately the major drawback was their banking system. (It has gotten noticeably better over the years for expats, but at the time we were living there it was terribly frustrating)

Language barriers aside, doing any kind of international transactions was a pain in the ass. My husband and I each saved quite a bit of money in our accounts living there, and we both needed to transfer this money into our home country’s accounts to pay bills and for other reasons. This meant that every month or so, we had to go to the bank to do two wire transfers: one to my bank in Canada where I’m originally from, and another into my husband’s account in the U.S..

The rules in China, however, are that you’re only allowed to transfer a certain amount of money internationally every month. On top of that, whenever you wanted to make a transfer you not only needed your IDs, but a whole slew of paperwork as well. This included our work contracts, our Chinese tax returns, official declarations from the government about how much we made, and a stack of forms from the bank. There was also no online banking or instructions/bank tellers who spoke English there at the time (7 years ago), so we had to rely on Google Translate to figure everything out.

I waited at least two hours every time I went to the bank on a good day, and it wasn’t ever fun for the tellers either. They had to stamp every freaking piece of paper, get approval from the manager for every button they pressed on the computer, and all the while trying their best to speak broken English.

My husband didn’t fair any better during his visit either. In fact, he’d go multiple rounds trying to make the transfers happen while each time wasting two hours and then at the end being denied over and over!

We even tried giving Western Union a shot to see if it’d be any easier (and cheaper).

Nope.

We ended up paying almost 10% in fees alone and it was equally as frustrating.

Then one day my husband joked that we should just buy a briefcase and carry all our cash over when we both went home for the holidays.

I’m always up for a challenge, so why the heck not? What could go wrong?

It was about three months from the time we decided to bring cash across to the U.S. and Canada to when we actually did it. Our plan was to exchange our money into U.S. and Canadian currency first, hide it in our apartment, pack it all in a suitcase, and then deposit everything once we landed in our home countries.

We looked up the maximum amount we could each carry across the border, and it came out to $10,000 USD per family. Since my husband and I weren’t technically married yet, that meant we could each carry $10,000 across the border without raising any eyebrows (or so we hoped).

Unfortunately, once again our plan hit some road bumps.

When we tried to convert our Chinese currency (RMB) into U.S. and Canadian dollars at the bank, we were met with solid resistance. The manager would literally give us “a look” and then flat out refuse to speak to us. We later found a translator who told us that it was virtually impossible for even locals to get foreign currency, and that the amount we were requesting was unheard of.

After grilling a local friend for alternatives, we eventually decided to take out Chinese RMB in cash, and then take that directly to a currency exchange stand in order to convert it over. She warned us that these places are usually located in sketchy areas, however, and that not so reputable people hang out there (though I hear it’s not the case anymore). These places will also try to rip you off by giving you decent exchange rates, but then sneaking in counterfeit bills.

So off my husband and I went. We didn’t want to do too large a transaction at first just to be safe, so we started with $1,000 and found a place to exchange our money. My husband is six feet tall and I’m pretty sure that helped keep the loiters at bay. When we got our money, we hid around a corner to check each and every single bill to make sure they were legit, and then went on our merry way when it was good.

It took us about six weeks to exchange $10,000 each. You’re only allowed to exchange a certain amount each time, so we had to make multiple visits which was for the best as neither of us enjoys carrying around too much cash at one time.

During this time we hid the money around our apartments. I literally stuck hundred dollar bills under my mattress among other places as I was so paranoid about someone breaking in! We also hid money:

In jacket pockets

In shoes

In crockpots we barely used

And in tupperware

When it came time to go visit our families at Christmas, we gathered all our money in one place and planned how we were going to pack it all.

I don’t know about you, but seeing $20,000 in physical cash is A LOT. We had it stacked on my bed and it looked like a giant mountain to me. I looked at my husband and literally asked if I could swim in it. After all, it was a once in a lifetime experience!

Next thing we knew, we threw a bunch of bills up in the air and were frolicking around in money. There’s something about doing backstrokes on a bed with $20,000 that does it for you :)

Finally, We Carry The Cash Over

Now came the hard part: how do we actually carry all this cash? Without getting stopped at the border?

We crossed off the suitcase idea as that would just be way too suspicious, and eventually figured that dispersing our money was the way go to. The x-rays will show we had money, but at least there wouldn’t be huge stacks all in one place.

Here’s what my husband did:

Bought special cargo pants with multiple pockets so he could take the cash in and out when going through security

Sewed secret pockets in his laptop case

Rolled up t-shirts in his carry on luggage with money in it

Carried cash in his wallet

Here’s what I did:

Hid cash in my laptop case and purse

Stuffed some money in my bra (this was before those fancy machines at the TSA security check)

Stuffed money in my makeup case

Put bills in-between pages of the books I was “reading”

Keep in mind, we weren’t doing anything illegal although it sure as hell felt like we were. In hindsight we probably went a little crazy on hiding everything, but I wasn’t going to take any chances with people either stealing from us or being stopped at the border. Our track record up to this point hadn’t been that smooth.

Then off we went!

Step #1: Go through security in China and board the plane. Success! We stated we were carrying cash, but nobody asked us how much so we easily got our exit stamps.

Step #2: Relax on the plane. Fail. We could barely sleep, as we were just too paranoid the entire trip.

Step #3: Get across the U.S. border! (We made our first stop in my husband’s country before heading to Canada). My hands were shaking the entire time as I filled out the immigration form –  I felt like I was lying when the form asked if I was carrying more than $10,000 in cash, but I checked the “no” box.

Then it was the moment of truth…

I walked over to the customs agent, he looks at me and then down at the form, asks me where I’m staying (I manage to utter “my future in-laws”), looks back down again, and then stamps the passport and says, “have a nice time.”

And just like that it was over! WE DID IT!!

My husband had the same experience clearing customs, and it was a piece of cake getting the second half of our money into my Canadian bank as well.

Pretty anti-climactic, I know – sorry – but what a whirlwind getting to this point… I’m just super grateful I never have to deal with this again. Though I have to admit, it was pretty fun swimming in all that money for a few minutes!

Anyone else ever launder move large amounts of cash across the border? Any tips for anyone who may have to do it themselves one day?

******* Sarah Li Cain is a financial storyteller who weaves practical tips and strategies into her work so that others trying to change their mindset can see themselves in the starring role. She loves answering reader questions on her blog, HighFivingDollars.com, and openly shares her financial struggles through different experiments she runs. Check out her “Ultimate Guide to Money Mindset Mastery!”

Other fun gems for your viewing pleasure today:

That Time I Woke Up From a “Bill Coma” and Started Saving My $$$!

That Time I Borrowed $14,000… Then Gave it Right Back

That Time I Got in (Another) Car Accident…

That Time We Carried $20,000 Across The Border posted first on http://ift.tt/2lnwIdQ

[heliosfinance]

That Time We Carried $20,000 Across The Border

[What up, what up! If you’ve ever considered transporting large amounts of cash across international borders, this post is for you ;) As told by Sarah Li Cain from High Fiving Dollars who hopes to never have to do this again! And if you’re reading this on Black Friday – good job. We’re running a site-wide sale today where everything’s 100% off :) Enjoy!]

***********

This is the true story of how we transported $20,000 in cash across international borders. I would have loved to been able to provide photographic evidence of this, but frankly I was scared out of my mind when my boyfriend (now husband) and I decided to actually go through with this.

Instead, here’s a photo of the two of us back in our youth:

[please tell me why I thought those glasses were cool?]

Before I get into how we actually carried across all that money, let’s go over why we actually did it.

I lived in China for 8 years. I must have really liked it because that’s where I met my husband, got married and had a kid.

Among the cool things you get to do? Visit really crazy places. One of the most memorable places was a restaurant called “Modern Toilet” where you literally get served chocolate ice cream in toilet bowls. I’m not kidding.

[The food wasn’t bad!]

While there were many great things I loved about China, unfortunately the major drawback was their banking system. (It has gotten noticeably better over the years for expats, but at the time we were living there it was terribly frustrating)

Language barriers aside, doing any kind of international transactions was a pain in the ass. My husband and I each saved quite a bit of money in our accounts living there, and we both needed to transfer this money into our home country’s accounts to pay bills and for other reasons. This meant that every month or so, we had to go to the bank to do two wire transfers: one to my bank in Canada where I’m originally from, and another into my husband’s account in the U.S..

The rules in China, however, are that you’re only allowed to transfer a certain amount of money internationally every month. On top of that, whenever you wanted to make a transfer you not only needed your IDs, but a whole slew of paperwork as well. This included our work contracts, our Chinese tax returns, official declarations from the government about how much we made, and a stack of forms from the bank. There was also no online banking or instructions/bank tellers who spoke English there at the time (7 years ago), so we had to rely on Google Translate to figure everything out.

I waited at least two hours every time I went to the bank on a good day, and it wasn’t ever fun for the tellers either. They had to stamp every freaking piece of paper, get approval from the manager for every button they pressed on the computer, and all the while trying their best to speak broken English.

My husband didn’t fair any better during his visit either. In fact, he’d go multiple rounds trying to make the transfers happen while each time wasting two hours and then at the end being denied over and over!

We even tried giving Western Union a shot to see if it’d be any easier (and cheaper).

Nope.

We ended up paying almost 10% in fees alone and it was equally as frustrating.

Then one day my husband joked that we should just buy a briefcase and carry all our cash over when we both went home for the holidays.

I’m always up for a challenge, so why the heck not? What could go wrong?

It was about three months from the time we decided to bring cash across to the U.S. and Canada to when we actually did it. Our plan was to exchange our money into U.S. and Canadian currency first, hide it in our apartment, pack it all in a suitcase, and then deposit everything once we landed in our home countries.

We looked up the maximum amount we could each carry across the border, and it came out to $10,000 USD per family. Since my husband and I weren’t technically married yet, that meant we could each carry $10,000 across the border without raising any eyebrows (or so we hoped).

Unfortunately, once again our plan hit some road bumps.

When we tried to convert our Chinese currency (RMB) into U.S. and Canadian dollars at the bank, we were met with solid resistance. The manager would literally give us “a look” and then flat out refuse to speak to us. We later found a translator who told us that it was virtually impossible for even locals to get foreign currency, and that the amount we were requesting was unheard of.

After grilling a local friend for alternatives, we eventually decided to take out Chinese RMB in cash, and then take that directly to a currency exchange stand in order to convert it over. She warned us that these places are usually located in sketchy areas, however, and that not so reputable people hang out there (though I hear it’s not the case anymore). These places will also try to rip you off by giving you decent exchange rates, but then sneaking in counterfeit bills.

So off my husband and I went. We didn’t want to do too large a transaction at first just to be safe, so we started with $1,000 and found a place to exchange our money. My husband is six feet tall and I’m pretty sure that helped keep the loiters at bay. When we got our money, we hid around a corner to check each and every single bill to make sure they were legit, and then went on our merry way when it was good.

It took us about six weeks to exchange $10,000 each. You’re only allowed to exchange a certain amount each time, so we had to make multiple visits which was for the best as neither of us enjoys carrying around too much cash at one time.

During this time we hid the money around our apartments. I literally stuck hundred dollar bills under my mattress among other places as I was so paranoid about someone breaking in! We also hid money:

In jacket pockets

In shoes

In crockpots we barely used

And in tupperware

When it came time to go visit our families at Christmas, we gathered all our money in one place and planned how we were going to pack it all.

I don’t know about you, but seeing $20,000 in physical cash is A LOT. We had it stacked on my bed and it looked like a giant mountain to me. I looked at my husband and literally asked if I could swim in it. After all, it was a once in a lifetime experience!

Next thing we knew, we threw a bunch of bills up in the air and were frolicking around in money. There’s something about doing backstrokes on a bed with $20,000 that does it for you :)

Finally, We Carry The Cash Over

Now came the hard part: how do we actually carry all this cash? Without getting stopped at the border?

We crossed off the suitcase idea as that would just be way too suspicious, and eventually figured that dispersing our money was the way go to. The x-rays will show we had money, but at least there wouldn’t be huge stacks all in one place.

Here’s what my husband did:

Bought special cargo pants with multiple pockets so he could take the cash in and out when going through security

Sewed secret pockets in his laptop case

Rolled up t-shirts in his carry on luggage with money in it

Carried cash in his wallet

Here’s what I did:

Hid cash in my laptop case and purse

Stuffed some money in my bra (this was before those fancy machines at the TSA security check)

Stuffed money in my makeup case

Put bills in-between pages of the books I was “reading”

Keep in mind, we weren’t doing anything illegal although it sure as hell felt like we were. In hindsight we probably went a little crazy on hiding everything, but I wasn’t going to take any chances with people either stealing from us or being stopped at the border. Our track record up to this point hadn’t been that smooth.

Then off we went!

Step #1: Go through security in China and board the plane. Success! We stated we were carrying cash, but nobody asked us how much so we easily got our exit stamps.

Step #2: Relax on the plane. Fail. We could barely sleep, as we were just too paranoid the entire trip.

Step #3: Get across the U.S. border! (We made our first stop in my husband’s country before heading to Canada). My hands were shaking the entire time as I filled out the immigration form –  I felt like I was lying when the form asked if I was carrying more than $10,000 in cash, but I checked the “no” box.

Then it was the moment of truth…

I walked over to the customs agent, he looks at me and then down at the form, asks me where I’m staying (I manage to utter “my future in-laws”), looks back down again, and then stamps the passport and says, “have a nice time.”

And just like that it was over! WE DID IT!!

My husband had the same experience clearing customs, and it was a piece of cake getting the second half of our money into my Canadian bank as well.

Pretty anti-climactic, I know – sorry – but what a whirlwind getting to this point… I’m just super grateful I never have to deal with this again. Though I have to admit, it was pretty fun swimming in all that money for a few minutes!

Anyone else ever launder move large amounts of cash across the border? Any tips for anyone who may have to do it themselves one day?

******* Sarah Li Cain is a financial storyteller who weaves practical tips and strategies into her work so that others trying to change their mindset can see themselves in the starring role. She loves answering reader questions on her blog, HighFivingDollars.com, and openly shares her financial struggles through different experiments she runs. Check out her “Ultimate Guide to Money Mindset Mastery!”

Other fun gems for your viewing pleasure today:

That Time I Woke Up From a “Bill Coma” and Started Saving My $$$!

That Time I Borrowed $14,000… Then Gave it Right Back

That Time I Got in (Another) Car Accident…

That Time We Carried $20,000 Across The Border published first on http://ift.tt/2ljLF4B

[fesahaawit]

That Time We Carried $20,000 Across The Border

[What up, what up! If you’ve ever considered transporting large amounts of cash across international borders, this post is for you ;) As told by Sarah Li Cain from High Fiving Dollars who hopes to never have to do this again! And if you’re reading this on Black Friday – good job. We’re running a site-wide sale today where everything’s 100% off :) Enjoy!]

***********

This is the true story of how we transported $20,000 in cash across international borders. I would have loved to been able to provide photographic evidence of this, but frankly I was scared out of my mind when my boyfriend (now husband) and I decided to actually go through with this.

Instead, here’s a photo of the two of us back in our youth:

[please tell me why I thought those glasses were cool?]

Before I get into how we actually carried across all that money, let’s go over why we actually did it.

I lived in China for 8 years. I must have really liked it because that’s where I met my husband, got married and had a kid.

Among the cool things you get to do? Visit really crazy places. One of the most memorable places was a restaurant called “Modern Toilet” where you literally get served chocolate ice cream in toilet bowls. I’m not kidding.

[The food wasn’t bad!]

While there were many great things I loved about China, unfortunately the major drawback was their banking system. (It has gotten noticeably better over the years for expats, but at the time we were living there it was terribly frustrating)

Language barriers aside, doing any kind of international transactions was a pain in the ass. My husband and I each saved quite a bit of money in our accounts living there, and we both needed to transfer this money into our home country’s accounts to pay bills and for other reasons. This meant that every month or so, we had to go to the bank to do two wire transfers: one to my bank in Canada where I’m originally from, and another into my husband’s account in the U.S..

The rules in China, however, are that you’re only allowed to transfer a certain amount of money internationally every month. On top of that, whenever you wanted to make a transfer you not only needed your IDs, but a whole slew of paperwork as well. This included our work contracts, our Chinese tax returns, official declarations from the government about how much we made, and a stack of forms from the bank. There was also no online banking or instructions/bank tellers who spoke English there at the time (7 years ago), so we had to rely on Google Translate to figure everything out.

I waited at least two hours every time I went to the bank on a good day, and it wasn’t ever fun for the tellers either. They had to stamp every freaking piece of paper, get approval from the manager for every button they pressed on the computer, and all the while trying their best to speak broken English.

My husband didn’t fair any better during his visit either. In fact, he’d go multiple rounds trying to make the transfers happen while each time wasting two hours and then at the end being denied over and over!

We even tried giving Western Union a shot to see if it’d be any easier (and cheaper).

Nope.

We ended up paying almost 10% in fees alone and it was equally as frustrating.

Then one day my husband joked that we should just buy a briefcase and carry all our cash over when we both went home for the holidays.

I’m always up for a challenge, so why the heck not? What could go wrong?

It was about three months from the time we decided to bring cash across to the U.S. and Canada to when we actually did it. Our plan was to exchange our money into U.S. and Canadian currency first, hide it in our apartment, pack it all in a suitcase, and then deposit everything once we landed in our home countries.

We looked up the maximum amount we could each carry across the border, and it came out to $10,000 USD per family. Since my husband and I weren’t technically married yet, that meant we could each carry $10,000 across the border without raising any eyebrows (or so we hoped).

Unfortunately, once again our plan hit some road bumps.

When we tried to convert our Chinese currency (RMB) into U.S. and Canadian dollars at the bank, we were met with solid resistance. The manager would literally give us “a look” and then flat out refuse to speak to us. We later found a translator who told us that it was virtually impossible for even locals to get foreign currency, and that the amount we were requesting was unheard of.

After grilling a local friend for alternatives, we eventually decided to take out Chinese RMB in cash, and then take that directly to a currency exchange stand in order to convert it over. She warned us that these places are usually located in sketchy areas, however, and that not so reputable people hang out there (though I hear it’s not the case anymore). These places will also try to rip you off by giving you decent exchange rates, but then sneaking in counterfeit bills.

So off my husband and I went. We didn’t want to do too large a transaction at first just to be safe, so we started with $1,000 and found a place to exchange our money. My husband is six feet tall and I’m pretty sure that helped keep the loiters at bay. When we got our money, we hid around a corner to check each and every single bill to make sure they were legit, and then went on our merry way when it was good.

It took us about six weeks to exchange $10,000 each. You’re only allowed to exchange a certain amount each time, so we had to make multiple visits which was for the best as neither of us enjoys carrying around too much cash at one time.

During this time we hid the money around our apartments. I literally stuck hundred dollar bills under my mattress among other places as I was so paranoid about someone breaking in! We also hid money:

In jacket pockets

In shoes

In crockpots we barely used

And in tupperware

When it came time to go visit our families at Christmas, we gathered all our money in one place and planned how we were going to pack it all.

I don’t know about you, but seeing $20,000 in physical cash is A LOT. We had it stacked on my bed and it looked like a giant mountain to me. I looked at my husband and literally asked if I could swim in it. After all, it was a once in a lifetime experience!

Next thing we knew, we threw a bunch of bills up in the air and were frolicking around in money. There’s something about doing backstrokes on a bed with $20,000 that does it for you :)

Finally, We Carry The Cash Over

Now came the hard part: how do we actually carry all this cash? Without getting stopped at the border?

We crossed off the suitcase idea as that would just be way too suspicious, and eventually figured that dispersing our money was the way go to. The x-rays will show we had money, but at least there wouldn’t be huge stacks all in one place.

Here’s what my husband did:

Bought special cargo pants with multiple pockets so he could take the cash in and out when going through security

Sewed secret pockets in his laptop case

Rolled up t-shirts in his carry on luggage with money in it

Carried cash in his wallet

Here’s what I did:

Hid cash in my laptop case and purse

Stuffed some money in my bra (this was before those fancy machines at the TSA security check)

Stuffed money in my makeup case

Put bills in-between pages of the books I was “reading”

Keep in mind, we weren’t doing anything illegal although it sure as hell felt like we were. In hindsight we probably went a little crazy on hiding everything, but I wasn’t going to take any chances with people either stealing from us or being stopped at the border. Our track record up to this point hadn’t been that smooth.

Then off we went!

Step #1: Go through security in China and board the plane. Success! We stated we were carrying cash, but nobody asked us how much so we easily got our exit stamps.

Step #2: Relax on the plane. Fail. We could barely sleep, as we were just too paranoid the entire trip.

Step #3: Get across the U.S. border! (We made our first stop in my husband’s country before heading to Canada). My hands were shaking the entire time as I filled out the immigration form –  I felt like I was lying when the form asked if I was carrying more than $10,000 in cash, but I checked the “no” box.

Then it was the moment of truth…

I walked over to the customs agent, he looks at me and then down at the form, asks me where I’m staying (I manage to utter “my future in-laws”), looks back down again, and then stamps the passport and says, “have a nice time.”

And just like that it was over! WE DID IT!!

My husband had the same experience clearing customs, and it was a piece of cake getting the second half of our money into my Canadian bank as well.

Pretty anti-climactic, I know – sorry – but what a whirlwind getting to this point… I’m just super grateful I never have to deal with this again. Though I have to admit, it was pretty fun swimming in all that money for a few minutes!

Anyone else ever launder move large amounts of cash across the border? Any tips for anyone who may have to do it themselves one day?

******* Sarah Li Cain is a financial storyteller who weaves practical tips and strategies into her work so that others trying to change their mindset can see themselves in the starring role. She loves answering reader questions on her blog, HighFivingDollars.com, and openly shares her financial struggles through different experiments she runs. Check out her “Ultimate Guide to Money Mindset Mastery!”

Other fun gems for your viewing pleasure today:

That Time I Woke Up From a “Bill Coma” and Started Saving My $$$!

That Time I Borrowed $14,000… Then Gave it Right Back

That Time I Got in (Another) Car Accident…

That Time We Carried $20,000 Across The Border posted first on http://ift.tt/2lnwIdQ

[fesahaawit]

That Time We Carried $20,000 Across The Border

[What up, what up! If you’ve ever considered transporting large amounts of cash across international borders, this post is for you ;) As told by Sarah Li Cain from High Fiving Dollars who hopes to never have to do this again! And if you’re reading this on Black Friday – good job. We’re running a site-wide sale today where everything’s 100% off :) Enjoy!]

***********

This is the true story of how we transported $20,000 in cash across international borders. I would have loved to been able to provide photographic evidence of this, but frankly I was scared out of my mind when my boyfriend (now husband) and I decided to actually go through with this.

Instead, here’s a photo of the two of us back in our youth:

[please tell me why I thought those glasses were cool?]

Before I get into how we actually carried across all that money, let’s go over why we actually did it.

I lived in China for 8 years. I must have really liked it because that’s where I met my husband, got married and had a kid.

Among the cool things you get to do? Visit really crazy places. One of the most memorable places was a restaurant called “Modern Toilet” where you literally get served chocolate ice cream in toilet bowls. I’m not kidding.

[The food wasn’t bad!]

While there were many great things I loved about China, unfortunately the major drawback was their banking system. (It has gotten noticeably better over the years for expats, but at the time we were living there it was terribly frustrating)

Language barriers aside, doing any kind of international transactions was a pain in the ass. My husband and I each saved quite a bit of money in our accounts living there, and we both needed to transfer this money into our home country’s accounts to pay bills and for other reasons. This meant that every month or so, we had to go to the bank to do two wire transfers: one to my bank in Canada where I’m originally from, and another into my husband’s account in the U.S..

The rules in China, however, are that you’re only allowed to transfer a certain amount of money internationally every month. On top of that, whenever you wanted to make a transfer you not only needed your IDs, but a whole slew of paperwork as well. This included our work contracts, our Chinese tax returns, official declarations from the government about how much we made, and a stack of forms from the bank. There was also no online banking or instructions/bank tellers who spoke English there at the time (7 years ago), so we had to rely on Google Translate to figure everything out.

I waited at least two hours every time I went to the bank on a good day, and it wasn’t ever fun for the tellers either. They had to stamp every freaking piece of paper, get approval from the manager for every button they pressed on the computer, and all the while trying their best to speak broken English.

My husband didn’t fair any better during his visit either. In fact, he’d go multiple rounds trying to make the transfers happen while each time wasting two hours and then at the end being denied over and over!

We even tried giving Western Union a shot to see if it’d be any easier (and cheaper).

Nope.

We ended up paying almost 10% in fees alone and it was equally as frustrating.

Then one day my husband joked that we should just buy a briefcase and carry all our cash over when we both went home for the holidays.

I’m always up for a challenge, so why the heck not? What could go wrong?

It was about three months from the time we decided to bring cash across to the U.S. and Canada to when we actually did it. Our plan was to exchange our money into U.S. and Canadian currency first, hide it in our apartment, pack it all in a suitcase, and then deposit everything once we landed in our home countries.

We looked up the maximum amount we could each carry across the border, and it came out to $10,000 USD per family. Since my husband and I weren’t technically married yet, that meant we could each carry $10,000 across the border without raising any eyebrows (or so we hoped).

Unfortunately, once again our plan hit some road bumps.

When we tried to convert our Chinese currency (RMB) into U.S. and Canadian dollars at the bank, we were met with solid resistance. The manager would literally give us “a look” and then flat out refuse to speak to us. We later found a translator who told us that it was virtually impossible for even locals to get foreign currency, and that the amount we were requesting was unheard of.

After grilling a local friend for alternatives, we eventually decided to take out Chinese RMB in cash, and then take that directly to a currency exchange stand in order to convert it over. She warned us that these places are usually located in sketchy areas, however, and that not so reputable people hang out there (though I hear it’s not the case anymore). These places will also try to rip you off by giving you decent exchange rates, but then sneaking in counterfeit bills.

So off my husband and I went. We didn’t want to do too large a transaction at first just to be safe, so we started with $1,000 and found a place to exchange our money. My husband is six feet tall and I’m pretty sure that helped keep the loiters at bay. When we got our money, we hid around a corner to check each and every single bill to make sure they were legit, and then went on our merry way when it was good.

It took us about six weeks to exchange $10,000 each. You’re only allowed to exchange a certain amount each time, so we had to make multiple visits which was for the best as neither of us enjoys carrying around too much cash at one time.

During this time we hid the money around our apartments. I literally stuck hundred dollar bills under my mattress among other places as I was so paranoid about someone breaking in! We also hid money:

In jacket pockets

In shoes

In crockpots we barely used

And in tupperware

When it came time to go visit our families at Christmas, we gathered all our money in one place and planned how we were going to pack it all.

I don’t know about you, but seeing $20,000 in physical cash is A LOT. We had it stacked on my bed and it looked like a giant mountain to me. I looked at my husband and literally asked if I could swim in it. After all, it was a once in a lifetime experience!

Next thing we knew, we threw a bunch of bills up in the air and were frolicking around in money. There’s something about doing backstrokes on a bed with $20,000 that does it for you :)

Finally, We Carry The Cash Over

Now came the hard part: how do we actually carry all this cash? Without getting stopped at the border?

We crossed off the suitcase idea as that would just be way too suspicious, and eventually figured that dispersing our money was the way go to. The x-rays will show we had money, but at least there wouldn’t be huge stacks all in one place.

Here’s what my husband did:

Bought special cargo pants with multiple pockets so he could take the cash in and out when going through security

Sewed secret pockets in his laptop case

Rolled up t-shirts in his carry on luggage with money in it

Carried cash in his wallet

Here’s what I did:

Hid cash in my laptop case and purse

Stuffed some money in my bra (this was before those fancy machines at the TSA security check)

Stuffed money in my makeup case

Put bills in-between pages of the books I was “reading”

Keep in mind, we weren’t doing anything illegal although it sure as hell felt like we were. In hindsight we probably went a little crazy on hiding everything, but I wasn’t going to take any chances with people either stealing from us or being stopped at the border. Our track record up to this point hadn’t been that smooth.

Then off we went!

Step #1: Go through security in China and board the plane. Success! We stated we were carrying cash, but nobody asked us how much so we easily got our exit stamps.

Step #2: Relax on the plane. Fail. We could barely sleep, as we were just too paranoid the entire trip.

Step #3: Get across the U.S. border! (We made our first stop in my husband’s country before heading to Canada). My hands were shaking the entire time as I filled out the immigration form –  I felt like I was lying when the form asked if I was carrying more than $10,000 in cash, but I checked the “no” box.

Then it was the moment of truth…

I walked over to the customs agent, he looks at me and then down at the form, asks me where I’m staying (I manage to utter “my future in-laws”), looks back down again, and then stamps the passport and says, “have a nice time.”

And just like that it was over! WE DID IT!!

My husband had the same experience clearing customs, and it was a piece of cake getting the second half of our money into my Canadian bank as well.

Pretty anti-climactic, I know – sorry – but what a whirlwind getting to this point… I’m just super grateful I never have to deal with this again. Though I have to admit, it was pretty fun swimming in all that money for a few minutes!

Anyone else ever launder move large amounts of cash across the border? Any tips for anyone who may have to do it themselves one day?

******* Sarah Li Cain is a financial storyteller who weaves practical tips and strategies into her work so that others trying to change their mindset can see themselves in the starring role. She loves answering reader questions on her blog, HighFivingDollars.com, and openly shares her financial struggles through different experiments she runs. Check out her “Ultimate Guide to Money Mindset Mastery!”

Other fun gems for your viewing pleasure today:

That Time I Woke Up From a “Bill Coma” and Started Saving My $$$!

That Time I Borrowed $14,000… Then Gave it Right Back

That Time I Got in (Another) Car Accident…

That Time We Carried $20,000 Across The Border posted first on http://ift.tt/2lnwIdQ

[heliosfinance]

That Time We Carried $20,000 Across The Border

[What up, what up! If you’ve ever considered transporting large amounts of cash across international borders, this post is for you ;) As told by Sarah Li Cain from High Fiving Dollars who hopes to never have to do this again! And if you’re reading this on Black Friday – good job. We’re running a site-wide sale today where everything’s 100% off :) Enjoy!]

***********

This is the true story of how we transported $20,000 in cash across international borders. I would have loved to been able to provide photographic evidence of this, but frankly I was scared out of my mind when my boyfriend (now husband) and I decided to actually go through with this.

Instead, here’s a photo of the two of us back in our youth:

[please tell me why I thought those glasses were cool?]

Before I get into how we actually carried across all that money, let’s go over why we actually did it.

I lived in China for 8 years. I must have really liked it because that’s where I met my husband, got married and had a kid.

Among the cool things you get to do? Visit really crazy places. One of the most memorable places was a restaurant called “Modern Toilet” where you literally get served chocolate ice cream in toilet bowls. I’m not kidding.

[The food wasn’t bad!]

While there were many great things I loved about China, unfortunately the major drawback was their banking system. (It has gotten noticeably better over the years for expats, but at the time we were living there it was terribly frustrating)

Language barriers aside, doing any kind of international transactions was a pain in the ass. My husband and I each saved quite a bit of money in our accounts living there, and we both needed to transfer this money into our home country’s accounts to pay bills and for other reasons. This meant that every month or so, we had to go to the bank to do two wire transfers: one to my bank in Canada where I’m originally from, and another into my husband’s account in the U.S..

The rules in China, however, are that you’re only allowed to transfer a certain amount of money internationally every month. On top of that, whenever you wanted to make a transfer you not only needed your IDs, but a whole slew of paperwork as well. This included our work contracts, our Chinese tax returns, official declarations from the government about how much we made, and a stack of forms from the bank. There was also no online banking or instructions/bank tellers who spoke English there at the time (7 years ago), so we had to rely on Google Translate to figure everything out.

I waited at least two hours every time I went to the bank on a good day, and it wasn’t ever fun for the tellers either. They had to stamp every freaking piece of paper, get approval from the manager for every button they pressed on the computer, and all the while trying their best to speak broken English.

My husband didn’t fair any better during his visit either. In fact, he’d go multiple rounds trying to make the transfers happen while each time wasting two hours and then at the end being denied over and over!

We even tried giving Western Union a shot to see if it’d be any easier (and cheaper).

Nope.

We ended up paying almost 10% in fees alone and it was equally as frustrating.

Then one day my husband joked that we should just buy a briefcase and carry all our cash over when we both went home for the holidays.

I’m always up for a challenge, so why the heck not? What could go wrong?

It was about three months from the time we decided to bring cash across to the U.S. and Canada to when we actually did it. Our plan was to exchange our money into U.S. and Canadian currency first, hide it in our apartment, pack it all in a suitcase, and then deposit everything once we landed in our home countries.

We looked up the maximum amount we could each carry across the border, and it came out to $10,000 USD per family. Since my husband and I weren’t technically married yet, that meant we could each carry $10,000 across the border without raising any eyebrows (or so we hoped).

Unfortunately, once again our plan hit some road bumps.

When we tried to convert our Chinese currency (RMB) into U.S. and Canadian dollars at the bank, we were met with solid resistance. The manager would literally give us “a look” and then flat out refuse to speak to us. We later found a translator who told us that it was virtually impossible for even locals to get foreign currency, and that the amount we were requesting was unheard of.

After grilling a local friend for alternatives, we eventually decided to take out Chinese RMB in cash, and then take that directly to a currency exchange stand in order to convert it over. She warned us that these places are usually located in sketchy areas, however, and that not so reputable people hang out there (though I hear it’s not the case anymore). These places will also try to rip you off by giving you decent exchange rates, but then sneaking in counterfeit bills.

So off my husband and I went. We didn’t want to do too large a transaction at first just to be safe, so we started with $1,000 and found a place to exchange our money. My husband is six feet tall and I’m pretty sure that helped keep the loiters at bay. When we got our money, we hid around a corner to check each and every single bill to make sure they were legit, and then went on our merry way when it was good.

It took us about six weeks to exchange $10,000 each. You’re only allowed to exchange a certain amount each time, so we had to make multiple visits which was for the best as neither of us enjoys carrying around too much cash at one time.

During this time we hid the money around our apartments. I literally stuck hundred dollar bills under my mattress among other places as I was so paranoid about someone breaking in! We also hid money:

In jacket pockets

In shoes

In crockpots we barely used

And in tupperware

When it came time to go visit our families at Christmas, we gathered all our money in one place and planned how we were going to pack it all.

I don’t know about you, but seeing $20,000 in physical cash is A LOT. We had it stacked on my bed and it looked like a giant mountain to me. I looked at my husband and literally asked if I could swim in it. After all, it was a once in a lifetime experience!

Next thing we knew, we threw a bunch of bills up in the air and were frolicking around in money. There’s something about doing backstrokes on a bed with $20,000 that does it for you :)

Finally, We Carry The Cash Over

Now came the hard part: how do we actually carry all this cash? Without getting stopped at the border?

We crossed off the suitcase idea as that would just be way too suspicious, and eventually figured that dispersing our money was the way go to. The x-rays will show we had money, but at least there wouldn’t be huge stacks all in one place.

Here’s what my husband did:

Bought special cargo pants with multiple pockets so he could take the cash in and out when going through security

Sewed secret pockets in his laptop case

Rolled up t-shirts in his carry on luggage with money in it

Carried cash in his wallet

Here’s what I did:

Hid cash in my laptop case and purse

Stuffed some money in my bra (this was before those fancy machines at the TSA security check)

Stuffed money in my makeup case

Put bills in-between pages of the books I was “reading”

Keep in mind, we weren’t doing anything illegal although it sure as hell felt like we were. In hindsight we probably went a little crazy on hiding everything, but I wasn’t going to take any chances with people either stealing from us or being stopped at the border. Our track record up to this point hadn’t been that smooth.

Then off we went!

Step #1: Go through security in China and board the plane. Success! We stated we were carrying cash, but nobody asked us how much so we easily got our exit stamps.

Step #2: Relax on the plane. Fail. We could barely sleep, as we were just too paranoid the entire trip.

Step #3: Get across the U.S. border! (We made our first stop in my husband’s country before heading to Canada). My hands were shaking the entire time as I filled out the immigration form –  I felt like I was lying when the form asked if I was carrying more than $10,000 in cash, but I checked the “no” box.

Then it was the moment of truth…

I walked over to the customs agent, he looks at me and then down at the form, asks me where I’m staying (I manage to utter “my future in-laws”), looks back down again, and then stamps the passport and says, “have a nice time.”

And just like that it was over! WE DID IT!!

My husband had the same experience clearing customs, and it was a piece of cake getting the second half of our money into my Canadian bank as well.

Pretty anti-climactic, I know – sorry – but what a whirlwind getting to this point… I’m just super grateful I never have to deal with this again. Though I have to admit, it was pretty fun swimming in all that money for a few minutes!

Anyone else ever launder move large amounts of cash across the border? Any tips for anyone who may have to do it themselves one day?

******* Sarah Li Cain is a financial storyteller who weaves practical tips and strategies into her work so that others trying to change their mindset can see themselves in the starring role. She loves answering reader questions on her blog, HighFivingDollars.com, and openly shares her financial struggles through different experiments she runs. Check out her “Ultimate Guide to Money Mindset Mastery!”

Other fun gems for your viewing pleasure today:

That Time I Woke Up From a “Bill Coma” and Started Saving My $$$!

That Time I Borrowed $14,000… Then Gave it Right Back

That Time I Got in (Another) Car Accident…

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