#Completely nothing problem but talking with our mother about how our sister doesn't like being here made me think about it again

[tummy-hurts]

I know it's normal in like, movies, for parents to pick a new house and town to move into and the kids see it for the first time when they move in and they hate it, but I feel like I'm real life if you have kids living with you should perhaps show them the house and town beforehand, before the decision is finalized, just in case they really hate it, and it makes them miserable being there. That seems like it would kind of be more normal.

[weebsinstash]

Not me finding out the medication I specifically asked them about can literally come in pill or oral liquid form and isn't even a needle and it would also be extremely easy to administer but they turned around and had me keep coming back for more enemas and xrays like 5 different times

Not me googling that this drug literally activates upon 1 to 2 hours upon being taken and we would know very quickly if this was a correct choice of treatment

Not me sitting here thinking about how they kept telling me deobstipation was so dangerous it could literally kill him but they completely ignored a significantly safer option which I had also outright asked them about and now we may need that very dangerous and basically pointless surgery JUST to buy time for this drug to activate so he doesn't die

I knew it. I'm getting him whatever surgery or enema he needs and I'm not leaving without those prokinetics today and I'm going to prove I'm fucking right. I'm so tired of people talking over me and then almost every single time, I turn out to be right

Do you have any idea how much I've realized over my entire life that I literally put more thought into everything I do more than almost everyone else around me. Do you know how hard it is to constantly come up with plans and solutions to problems and be dismissed and then the second I get control, I turn out to be right. Literally since I've started working at my job, my department has become the best in like our entire region of the Midwest. My coworkers walk around, "oh I don't bother doing all that"(in regards to something I regularly do on my shift), "oh I know what I'm doing, I've been working here since 2006" and I almost always, do better than those people. It was like this when I was in school, it was like this when I was growing up at home, and it's still like this now

It's taken me forever to realize how deeply my own mother directly contributed to my self esteem issues which lead to my depression and I've gone completely no contact with her and have no intentions of speaking to her again because she's on the wrong kinds of medication and can't afford to get re-evaluated for what I am absolutely positive is ADHD which she then gave to me and my sister and my mother speaks in this very "unless you act extremely intellectually disabled, surely you have nothing wrong with you" kind of attitude despite the fact she used to work in the PCA field and would constantly break HIPAA to bitch to me as a CHILD about her clients with autism and down syndrome

I just. I'm gonna save Allister but I'm just. Angry at the world right now.

[aromanticle]

i just got out of the shower and i have some thoughts to share about something that happened a few days ago

i went, with my sister, to see a psychiatrist. i didnt really want to do that cause deep down i just know that nothing a third party could ever do would truly help me in any way and the only person who can change the way i do things is myself, but that brief period i had with her actually did open my eyes. just not in a good way.

no one irl knows this but i actually have talked to a therapist online for a few months though one of those mental health related apps, a few times for free and i paid two dollars twice which actually ends up being not so cheap for me lol but i stopped because of something that was said to me. the person i talked to seemed to actually pay attention to what i said and she'd always tell me that the main problem i have in life in executive dysfunction which is very accurate. i dont actually know if the people the app provides are licensed or not and idk how trustworthy this all is but i actually feel like i had a positive experience with it for the most part. of course theres not much one can do when i only call them to talk about things that frustrate me and things i wish i could change about myself once every two weeks but at least i felt like there was someone out there who actually understands what i have to say.

my sister and i sat in front of a psychiatrist and told her we wish our mother actually gave a shit about us and did something to help her children have a better life instead of spending the day on her phone and guess what she said? "you cant change her, deal with it"

we were just around 10 minutes into our time together and my sister brought up concerns she had about me and she basically dismissed it completely, saying "but you dont have this trait" that someone would only know if they actually knew me when she had barely even talked to me at all. i always felt like i struggle with certain things that she said i have no problem with when she simply does not know me even a little bit at all. she just heard a couple things about me and assumed i am someone im not.

i said "i actually went back to school because i wanted to avoid trouble with my mom, not because i wanted to" and what she heard was "i loved going back to school". i said i used to want to be a literature professor and what she heard is "i like reading". my sister said i go to sleep too late (which is only partially correct) and she said "ok, i'll give you this so you can sleep"

i told her i gave up on the idea of being a teacher when i was 15 because i know how hard it would be to get there and thats not even what i want to do and she said "well this is a generation thing" like the reason i didn't pursue a goal i knew would lead me nowhere is because im a tiktok brained little gen z child that doesnt want to put effort into things that take time ???????? my dream is to star in a musical, i just dont have the means to do that. i know i dont. im never gonna have what i truly want so i can only chase after these smaller little things i could feasibly do but they dont last long. i know i'll never be happy as a teacher, not even as a literature professor, that's why im not gonna even try. i know this is gonna take years and im not even gonna be satisfied when i get there. im not gonna waste my time and money doing something i only kind of wanted to do, i shouldnt even have brought that up but we were talking about teaching and jobs and i thought it was appropriate to mention i once wanted to teach. not anymore.

i said i changed schools a lot. i liked the first school i went to, but my mom put me in a public school in third grade because well. it doesn't cost anything. but i hated going there because i couldn't get used to it. my mom then put me in a different school. i hated going there because i couldn't get used to it, but i knew if i said that to my mom she'd get mad. when i was in seventh grade my mom "threatened" to take me out of the school because of my grades and because i put no effort into my studies at all (because i hated going to school) so she put me back into a different school. i didnt like going there because i couldn't get used to it but i knew there was nowhere else for me to go. then i finally got to actually choose which school i was going to when i changed schools for the last time for high school. i went with a friend, so i assumed it would be easier. i hated going there. it was only at the end of my third year there that i thought "actually, i like this school. i wish i didnt change schools in third grade and stayed right here". and the psychiatrist said "you changed schools a lot so you clearly don't have a problem adapting to new environments". #girl you have talked to me for a grand total of 7 minutes.

i'm supposed to go back there and talk to her again in less than 30 days now and i am dreading the day i have to open my mouth and say a word to that woman again. i'd rather have my sister go alone or my mom or someone else and talk about me, i think i would be more helpful than if i go there and try to explain myself just for her to misunderstand everything i have to say.

[finsterhund]

I found a story where the narrator starts off by describing his uncle as "probably on the spectrum" that goes into detail about how he's weird and reclusive and doesn't like talking with his family only then for his special interest he poured all his love and care into coming to life and killing him with his last words being how much he saw the error of his ways and wished he could have spent more time with people (and evidently been less neurodivergent) and the narrator going on about how if he just spent more time with people and less time isolated with his creepy old special interest he wouldn't have died. And the narrator ending the story with a "be careful having obsessions because you don't know what they'll do to you" ass "the moral of the story is" segment and man neurotypicals really do just fucking hate us for existing huh. How meanspirited do you have to be to think that way? It's like a completely taken seriously made for the purpose of revenge "my trains" (lemon demon) ass scenario where the story really does feel like it was only written for the purpose of getting revenge on your relative who builds models by literally having it where somebody is killed by theirs with no rhyme or reason as to why. Nevermind the complete lack of narrative logic of why something you cared for and treated with love would come to life and murder you in the first place. No reasoning was given beyond "the narrative is punishing him for having a hobby in a way that isn't societally approved" like logically if this thing was alive it only thrived because the dude laboured over it and by killing him it guaranteed itself to languish and rot and suffer and ultimately be destroyed. Makes no sense. Just left a bad taste in my mouth. It's the polar opposite of that cute comic I saw a while back where someone finds a haunted doll and as they laboriously restore it the toy feels loved and as a result doesn't harm their new owner.

Idk maybe I'm just reading too far into this but it really came off as a "fuck you for devoting your life to a weird hobby instead of making yourself available to other people in a neurotypical way" and that sucked.

Also an aside but it frustrated me when the narrator was like "oh these models aren't really around anymore, they've fallen out of fashion for being creepy and dated" as if the problem isn't that the neurodivergent people who'd love nothing more than to pursue these hobbies can't because their status as "lesser than" in our capitalist wageslave society making them exploited and unemployable means they're a group less likely to be able to afford these hobbies in the first place and less likely to have the space, time, resources, accessibility to pursue them as their contemporaries/elders did decades ago. If you have the space you're a "recluse" for spending time there, if you don't you're a "hoarder" for trying to pursue these hobbies in the tiny little boxes afforded to you. No I'm not bitter that one of my many childhood dreams after visiting Miniature World is impossible because I don't even have a fucking basement of my own that I can set up a little model town in why do you fucking ask?

Idk maybe there's another perspective of what happened in this universe where the uncle has an entire online friend circle catered around his hobby and the evil paranormal shit happened because of a bitter family member casting some curse and it turns out the narrator of the canonical story is full of shit and it's a classic case of wildly unreliable narrator. That would be funny in a very morbid ass way. Like,

Narrator: my mom cared so much for him and tried to keep him in her life even though he kept pushing everyone away

Uncle, on his Usenet board: my sister keeps mocking me for spending my money I earn as an adult on my models and acting like she's our mother. She's had our entire childhood to practice being cruel about the things I care about without overtly coming across as abusive and she gaslights me when I try to confront her about it what do I do?

TrainBoy64: She's trying to hurt you but knows better than to do it in a way that will make her look like the asshole. Try "grey rock" like I mentioned last week. Nobody deserves your time or commitment even if they're related to you.

Uncle: thanks man. Wanna see the new conductor I painted?

TrainBoy64: sure thing just remember to keep the photos under 200kb this time. My bandwidth sucks.

Narrator: my uncle freaked the fuck out when I accidentally damaged one of his models

Uncle, online: hey guys, today my sister brought her kids over and I tried to explain to them how these things are delicate and they need to be careful because they're not toys but my nephew directly disobeyed me and damaged my favourite building. I got upset and started crying and my sister yelled at me and said how her kids were more mature than I am but I thought I very clearly explained everything. I still feel bad though because I want to encourage kids to get into the hobby and don't want to stop them from visiting if they still want to.

TrainBoy64: your sister probably talks about your models to her kids as if they're toys and speaks down about you around them. I know it hurts but try to remember that it's their mom's fault, not theirs. If you want to keep inviting them over maybe try setting some ground rules until they're a bit older or make a cheaper area just for them to play with.

The uncle: thanks. I love my nephew and it makes me so happy when he visits. I just wish he was a bit more careful.

TrainBoy64: that will come with time. Remember when you told me how you accidentally ruined your first model plane when you were 11? Maybe he felt just as bad as you did but was better at hiding his emotions.

The narrator: after my uncle went missing my mom did everything she could to get law enforcement to take the case seriously and she was very upset

(the mother feels an extreme amount of guilt for pushing her brother away just as much as he "pushed her away" and it took him fucking dying for her to realize this. Or, alternatively, the guilt at her using dark magic to "teach him a lesson" and accidentally killing him in the process is absolutely fucking eating her up inside)

Idk. That's what I'm going with now. Made me feel a little bit better about the whole thing.

[dreamwreaver]

I think the fact that you have no opinion on zoe at all speaks to the heart of the issue people take with her receiving the bee. Respectfully, I disagree on Chloe's arc going nowhere (at least as far as s2 is concerned), but I think the issue is that the arc was started and never completed.

Chloe had no buildup, to some for becoming a hero, and to some for losing that hero status. I blame that on the show still trying to pull self-contained episodes on s3, but that's neither here nor there. At any rate, there's really nothing about her arc that felt complete, so to have her go from a main character to a mindless puppet manipulated by the 3 major villains as of s5, feels a bit off from a writing standpoint.

Zoe on the other hand... on one hand I blame her reception to being introduced so late in the series. We knew about and met Audrey in season 2, why is this other child of this famous fashion critic not a constant source of gossip and scandal regarding Audrey? Season 3's finale establishes Andre and Audrey were married for 25 years at that point, a love child with some other man seems like a huge point of contention in any marriage, especially a high profile one as concerned with appearances as theirs. Beyond that, I think the biggest problem a lot of people have with Zoe is that she has absolutely no relevance to the plot beyond being tied to Chloe, and that's evident from how many times she's used as a stock background character with no dialogue. Chloe, for all the faults her writing has, is never there for no reason, she serves a narrative purpose, good or bad. If Zoe had been able to do the same, people might not object to her becoming the permanent bee holder as much. But after sole crusher and queen banana, Zoe only appears as a prominent character to highlight how much worse Chloe has become, or in the case of one episode, serve as the motivation for Marinette to confess to Adrien. Sure, okay, she can be gay, but it's literally never brought up again in any way since it neither helps nor hinders the lovesquare.

But where I think Zoe really becomes divisive is that despite her simplistic character and logically nearly impossible in universe existence, is that she has literally bent the narrative and the way the characters act in a way very reminiscent of a Mary Sue. When she becomes vesperia, Plagg, who is loathe to give out anything more than sass, praises her almost instantly. And then, he chooses her to be the next black cat. Over Nino, over Kagami or luka, and over almost anyone else in Paris who would make more narrative sense than Zoe. Adrien doesn't spend time with Zoe, he doesn't talk about Zoe to Plagg, Plagg realistically should have no reason to choose zoe. But he does, and not only does he choose Zoe, he offers to flippantly cataclysm Chloe for being mean to Zoe once, after ignoring all the terrible stuff gabriel has done to Adrien. And then, he claims he'll miss her despite being her kwami for maybe two days. Yet their onscreen bond is allegedly strong enough he's willing to murder for her?

I'm sorry but all I can see there is the hand of the author shoving Zoe in our faces going "look! Look at this new version of Chloe, isn't she great? She's so sweet and nice despite coming from a similar abusive background, she doesn't lash out from being denied her mother's love or affection. Bullying never negatively affected her! Why won't you guys like her? Look at how relevant she is!"

And there's nothing uncooler than someone trying to convince you something's cool. Chloe may not have deserved to be a hero again, but she deserved better than to be shoved aside with no ceremony. If Chloe was always going to be a villain, she should have been allowed to be a threat to contrast with Zoe filling in her sister's former role as hero. Chloe and Zoe could have worked, as foils, as a dark mirror of one another. Perhaps even a relationship like tangled the series had between rapunzel and Cassandra. But instead we have a character who feels like a square peg in a round hole because outside of Chloe she has little to no relevance to the core group. Chloe was allegedly Adrien's childhood friend, Nino is Adrien's friend and Alya's boyfriend, and Alya is Marinette's best friend and confidant. See how they all tie to each other?

Anyways, sorry to rant on your post, I think the issue wih zoe is less about people hating her and more about them hating what she represents, and more importantly; what was scrapped to bring her in at the eleventh hour

I always see people hate on Zoe for taking the bee miraculous, and talk about all the character development Chloe had that was thrown away.

But, what character development? The fact that now only 80% of Akumatizations were her fault instead of 90%? Her being a giant bully whenever and wherever she could? Her only apologizing to two superheroes and no one else? Her still keeping her best friend like a slave?

And even if she HAD had actual character development, she still wouldn't have been great to keep the bee miraculous. Hawk Moth knew she was Queen Bee, and he knew where she lived.

I have no big opinions on Zoe, but Chloe's character development was bad long before she was Miracle Queen.

[h0nkch0c0late]

Mad Thomas

Fear street 1666 Mad Thomas x Reader

Summary: Mad Thomas, Aka the town drunk. Y/n Miller, Aka Hannah Miller's sister and the Pastor's daughter. What happens when she gets stopped by Thomas on her way to the forest for the fruits of the land thing?

Warnings: smut I guess? Well kind of smut??? It's not really smut???

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Y/n!" Her mother called to her from the kitchen, slight evidence of annoyance in her voice, causing Y/n to sigh and walk away from her chores in her room.

"Yes, mother? What is it?" She asked somewhat quietly as she approached her mother.

"Can you see why your sister is taking so long with her chore outside?" Her mother clearly looked upset.

Y/n nodded, walking to the door and opening it, seeing Hannah talking to Sarah Fier.

Y/n smiled at Sarah, having no problem with her she didn't see why not, Sarah smiling back at her as Hannah looked to her sister.

"What is it?" Hannah asked timidly.

"Mother wanted to know what has been taking you so long out here-"

Y/n was interrupted by their mother, "and that she has to come back inside!"

Y/n rolled her eyes, "and that you have to come back inside. Don't worry, I won't tell her that you've been talking to Sarah." She said in almost a whisper, careful to not let their mother hear.

Sarah sighed, "I'll see you tonight, Hannah."

Hannah nodded to her, "of course." She then walked past Y/n into the house, their mother starting to say harsh things to her as Y/n started to close the door behind her.

"Where are you going?" Mrs. Miller's direction turned towards her other daughter.

Y/n turned her head towards her, "going to check on father, is all." She lied.

Mrs. Miller huffed as a response, letting Y/n go.

Y/n smiled at her mother before closing the door behind her, looking towards Sarah.

"The full moon rises before nightfall." She said with a smile.

"A good night to enjoy the fruits of the land. You're going too?" Sarah raised a brow in surprise.

Y/n chuckled, "why of course. I may be the Pastor's responsible daughter, but that doesn't mean I can't have a little fun once in a while right? And Hannah needs it since our mother has been especially hard on her lately." She sighed as she started walking with Sarah.

Sarah nodded in understanding, "it's because of me, isn't it?"

"Most likely. I wouldn't be too worried though. Just as long as you don't do anything bad, I'm sure you both will be fine." Y/n explained, examining the people around her, waving to Abigail as she dragged Constance off with her.

Y/n looked down to see a bag in Sarah's hand, and that they were headed in the direction of Solomone Goode's home. "What have you got in that bag of yours?" She asked.

"One of the piglets that had gotten stuck. I wanted to give it to Solomone as a gift." Sarah responded, and just as she said that, a small oink came from inside of the bag.

Y/n chuckled, "Ah, alright well I'll leave you to it. I might as well actually check on my father while I'm outside."

"I'll leave you to it, then." But just as Sarah was about to leave, the door to the outhouse burst open, a drunken Thomas stumbled out of it.

Both girls groaned in annoyance at the boy as he stumbled towards them.

"I can see A secret about you, girl." Thomas said as he walked straight towards Sarah.

"And a good day to you too, Thomas." Sarah replied calmly, though slightly annoyed by his presence, trying to step forward away from him but he stopped her.

"Don't you want to hear it?" Thomas questioned.

"Thomas, leave her alone she doesn't want to deal with you right now." Y/n said, grabbing his arm.

Sarah nodded, "please just leave me alone."

But Thomas didn't listen, he just shook Y/n's hand off, contuing to bother Sarah. "I can see everything. I can see all the dark secrets in Union."

Sarah scoffs, "you must be busy." She then pushed Thomas away and started to walk, Y/n gasping as Thomas persisted, grabbing onto Sarah again.

"I see darkness in you, girl!" He said as Sarah struggled in his grip.

Y/n grabbed him, forcing him off of Sarah and pushing him. "Be still, Thomas!" Y/n warned as Sarah glared at the man. Thomas just laughed.

"Sarah, it's best if you go now." Y/n sighed, eyeing Thomas to make sure he doesn't go after Sarah again.

Sarah nodded, then turned around and continued her walk to Solomone's home.

"Beware, Sarah Fier!" Thomas laughed again.

Y/n scoffed, "Thomas, would you please stop being so crude to Sarah? She's done nothing wrong."

Though it seemed that Thomas wasn't exactly listening to her words, only looking at her and grabbing her wrist, leaning in closer to her.

"And you, you hold many secrets." He told, holding her wrist tightly but not too tightly, which is strange for him.

Y/n's cheeks started to turn pink, her face feeling warm as she stuttered, "i-i have no idea what you are talking about. You are completely mad, Thomas."

Thomas smirked, letting go of her wrist, "you hide behind a facade, girl. But I know who you really are." His eyes practically pierced through her own.

Y/n's heart was beating erratically at how close he was, and the lowness of his voice...she knew he was just drunk and had no understanding of his words, but she almost felt like he did in fact know.

But it was something even she didn't want to admit. She didn't want to admit that Y/n Miller, the Pastor's daughter, was in love with the town's famous drunk, Mad Thomas. But she couldn't help it. There was just something about him that made her so strangely attracted to him, but she could never put a finger on it.

He laughed once more, walking away (more like stumbling away).

Y/n sighed, taking a moment to calm her flushed cheeks before spotting her father and heading her way towards him.

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Y/n took a deep breath as she took small, quiet steps down the stairs in her house quiet as to not wake up her parents, and saw her sister at the door.

They nodded at each other, linking arms and walking towards the forest.

Lizzie and Sarah appeared, stealing Hannah away to collect the berries as Y/n chuckled to herself, continuing on her way to the party.

As she entered the woods, she heard ruffling noises behind the trees. Of course she thought nothing of it, the thought of one of the party-goers or an animal only crossing her mind.

But as she walked further, she was suddenly pulled behind a tree, she shrieked, a hand quickly covering her mouth as she was pushed up against it.

She recognized it immediately, looking up to see the face of Thomas. Though she had calmed down a bit, she was still a little freaked out about the sudden actions of him. "T-Thomas what are you doing?"

Thomas had a smirk on his face as he looked at her, "you're mother and father wouldn't like if they found out you were out here at night. I expected this from your sister, but from you? I would have never guessed."

"What I do is none of your business, Thomas. And my parents do not control me." Y/n stood her ground, but Thomas was so close she could feel his warm breath on her face. She was trying her best not to show her blush.

Thomas chuckled darkly, "now now, there's no need to lie. I know you care about what your parents think."

Y/n's eyes narrowed, "you know nothing." Her heart was thumping so loud in her ears she swore everyone could hear it.

But Thomas ignored her, "I also know that you feel something for me. I see it in your eyes every time you look in my direction."

Y/n scoffed, "you really do live up to your name, Mad Thomas. I feel no such things for you. Your drunken mind must be playing tricks on you." Her breaths were becoming sharp as Thomas leaned in closer to her.

Thomas chuckled once again, "there is no need to lie, love. I've got secrets of my own." He lifts one of his hands that were pinning her against the tree, gently pushing away some of her hair away from her face, then stroking her cheek lightly.

The action and nickname caused a shiver to go down her spine, her cheeks getting warmer as she kept her gaze on his own, her breath hitching. "A-and what are t-those secrets, Thomas?"

He leaned in more, his lips close to her ear as he whispered, "why should I tell you mine, if you won't admit your own?"

Y/n went silent for just a moment, then sighed. "If I admit mine, would you tell me yours?" She said in almost a whisper.

He leaned his head back to her face, "I will do better. I'll show you." He moved his body closer to her this time, holding her gaze.

It made her weak at the knees, her trying her best not to fall. "Alright, you want to know?"

Thomas nodded.

"I-Im in love with you. I know I shouldn't be, but i can't get those thoughts out of my head. There's just something about you that irks me so much but at the same time makes my head spin."

His eyes widened in surprise, he was only just teasing her after all. He didn't know she actually felt that way about him. He quickly went back to normal, plastering his famous smirk back onto his face, "and what kind of thoughts are those?"

Y/n gulped, "that is something you do not need to know. Now, it is your turn. What is the secret you so desperately want to show me?"

Thomas kept his eyes on her as he slid his hands down to the strings that held the front opening of her dress closed, "my secret is this."

She gasped as he began to pull at them, loosening the top of her dress and having it come undone.

Her hand instinctively reached out to grab his wrist, stopping him. "What are you doing, Thomas?! We aren't even wed!" She whispered.

Thomas shushed her, putting his hand back onto her now-bare chest. "Don't worry, dear."

A shiver went down her spine again, "for a man who listens to God and tells one of my greatest friends practically the devil, you sure do a lot of sinning yourself." She smirked, suddenly gathering courage.

Thomas' eyes narrowed a little, "that is different." He growled.

"Oh? How so?" She began to tease him, though one of his hands were still on her chest, she thought nothing of it.

Thomas' mouth opened and closed, trying to find words but coming up with none. He then pushed himself away from her, turning around to leave.

Before he could, Y/n grabbed his wrist, making him turn towards him. "Now hold on a minute, Thomas. Who said I wanted you to stop? You cannot leave me here like this without having done anything to me." She snarked.

"Why should I? You did try and use my own words against me." He said as he walked closer to her once again.

"Surely you can take a joke?" She questioned with a smile.

Thomas rolled his eyes, then suddenly pushed her against the tree for the second time, leaning in close to her, their lips noses only a few inches apart.

Y/n didn't wipe the smile off her face as she guided one of his hands back to her chest, the sleeves of her dress slowly falling down causing it to slide off of her shoulders slightly.

Thomas smirked at her, his mood quickly changing before he kissed her deeply, hands gliding into places they normally shouldn't be, his lips traveling down to her neck as she leaned her head back on the tree in pure ecstacy, never having had this experience before, it was a new...amazing feeling.

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Y/n entered the part of the forest where the rest of the teens were, looking around to see Sarah and Hannah missing, while the others were all dancing and hanging around, some even making out with each other.

She felt a tap on her shoulder and looked to see Lizzie, who looked at her with a disapproving yet concerned look.

"You're late. What took you so long?" Lizzie asked.

Y/n's mind thought back to the previous events, a small smile appearing on her face, "I, uh, got... distracted."

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Aaaaaaa I told you guys I would impulsively write a Mad Thomas fic and here it is! Pls there's just something about Thomas, man. Something about him that I just can't describe it 😩😩😩😩 anyways this turned out longer than I expected it to but its fine qkrhwbebejen3nej

[krakenartificer]

When I got my ADHD diagnosis, I looked at the questions on the screening form and thought, "If this result comes back positive, then I'm definitely not the only person in my family who has it." Questions like

"Have difficulty finishing one activity before starting another one" and

"I finish others' sentences before they can finish it themselves" and

"have trouble staying on one topic when talking"

...I thought were just weird quirks of my family, but no. When I got my results, I contacted my cousin, and she contacted her sisters and mother, and .. .. yeah. Basically everyone in my dad's side of the family is ADHD.

Now there are some problems with that, obviously, (getting family reunions to stick to a schedule is lol no) but there are some really fantastic perks. For one thing, no one in that family minds if I interrupt them while they're talking ... everyone's happy to keep 3 conversations going at the same time .... and no one minds if you fidget constantly.

But the best perk -- at least that I've found so far -- is that all of our parents have coping mechanisms, and passed them on to us. When I found myself unable to handle tasks with more than one step, my father didn't say "WTF are you talking about? It's easy! Just do the thing! Stop being lazy!" No, he could relate completely, and he sat down and taught me how to handle that.

So today, I'm going to pass on to you the coping mechanism my dad taught me for handling the "cannot put tasks in order / cannot get started / forget what I'm doing" problem. You'll need to adjust it for your own needs and your own struggles, but hopefully it'll be helpful in setting up your own process.

I'm going to walk through it with a big project I'm doing at work, just to have a concrete example. That will make some of the discussion specific to computer programming and technical writing, but I do the same thing for all my projects, so hopefully it'll be generalizable.

So to set the stage:

I was supposed to modify this piece of code -- we'll call it "Rosetta" -- to make it handle call data as well as what it was already doing. I did that.... but we now need the code to be able to handle calls (if that's wanted) but also to be able to handle NOT having calls (if THAT'S wanted).

Which is just .... ugh. So much. SOOOOOOOO much.

So. Break it down.

Step one is to get some recording mechanism - pen and paper, whiteboard, blank computer document, whatever

(Technically, this is a different coping strategy, so we'll just take a quick detour: WRITE THINGS DOWN. Your brain is shit at remembering things, and anyway you've already got limits on your working memory; why would you choose to tie up some of that limited resource in something that could be accomplished with literal stone-age technology? Don't even try to remember things. WRITE THEM DOWN.)

I like sticky notes: they're readily available in all offices, they're pretty cheap, and (most importantly) they can be rearranged if it turns out that I forgot a step or put the steps in the wrong order (which, like, let's be honest, I am definitely going to do). But they kill trees and create unnecessary methane emissions, so I've recently switched over to using virtual sticky notes. That's the format I'm going to use for this example, but you can use anything that meets your purposes.

So, you've got something to write with, you're ready to start.

The first question is: what are you trying to accomplish here? What would "done" look like? What is our goal?

I need to end up with a version of Rosetta that will make the correct results if you don't want calls, and will also make the correct results if you do.

The goal here is that you end up with a statement that you can definitively say (a) Yes this is what I wanted or (b)No this is not right because _______

In this case, in order to do that, I'll need to define "correct results" for both call- and non-call versions. But if I have that nailed down, then this statement meets that criterion: I'll be able to say "Yes, this is what I wanted: see, it makes the correct result for calls, and it makes the correct result for not-calls". Or else I'll be able to say, "No, this is wrong: see, it makes the correct result for calls, but on not-calls it does X and we wanted Y."

I have a clear, definitive standard about what I need to do and whether or not I've done it.

But there was a prerequisite there: I need to define "correct results".

So that goes on a sticky note: Create test that will compare my results to existing call!Rosetta-results and to existing not-call!Rosetta-results.

[ID: Two blue boxes, one on top of the other. The top one says in white text "Create test to compare my results to call!results" The bottom one says "Create test to compare my results to not-call!results"] OK. So now we know what we want. The second question is: what do we need to do in order to get that? Here's where the sticky-note recording system really shines, because you don't have to answer this question sequentially. You just start writing down every single thing that is not the way you want it to end up.

I need it to remove commas in the python script, not the bash script

I need to delete the first part of the get_runs() function, which doesn't do anything

I need to delete the rest of the parameters passed to build_query_script() function, because runs encompasses all the others

while we're on that subject, runs doesn't even need the group_variable, so let's pull that out of the parameter document

we also have a dmf defined, which the bash script demands but doesn't use; let's change that demand

since we're changing the structure of the parameter document, we don't need to pull new metrics for each run, so let's move that outside of the runs() loop and only run once

right now the parameter document is ALMOST but not quite "one row per template". Make it so it's actually one row per template.

among other things, that's going to require making it possible for a template to be followed by nothing at all, since it's the assumption that a template will have a metrics block after it that makes it not quite one row per template. So make it possible to publish a template with a null block

the other thing that's weirdly hard-coded is the definition of what a block looks like. Would it make more sense to separate that out into an input file, like the parameters document? On the one hand, that would make it much more flexible; on the other hand, that's another piece that can break. Don't know. Put a question mark on it.

etc

Here's what it looks like at the end of this step:

[ID: A black and white background showing many boxes in two different shades of blue, all with white text. Some of the boxes are overlapping each other.]

As you can see, at this phase you don't need to worry about any of the following:

ordering the tasks. Just stick 'em right on top of each other for now

how you're going to do any of this. Right now we just need to know what, not how

sticking to only one project. As I was working on this, it occurred to me that this whole process would have been a heck of a lot easier if someone had just made a user manual for this, and since I have to go through all the code line-by-line anyway, I might as well write up the documentation while I'm at it. (To help out future-me, if nothing else.) So I put those tasks on another color of sticky note.

making notes that make any ***ing sense to anyone else. This process is for you, and only you need to understand what you're talking about it. Phrase it in ways that make sense to your brain, and to hell with anyone else.

on that topic, also don't worry about making steps that are "too small" or "too dumb" to write down. This is for you. If "save document" feels like a step to you, then write it down.

You also don't need to get every single step involved in the project right now. Get as many as you can, to be sure, but the process is designed on the assumption that you ARE going to forget important steps, and is designed to handle that.

When you can't think of any more steps, then the third question is: what order does it make sense to do these in? Are there any steps that would be easier if you did another step first? Are there any that literally cannot be done unless another step is complete?

This is also a good place to group steps if they fit together nicely. When I used physical sticky notes, I used two different sizes; digitally I can of course make them whatever size I want.

So I have several documentation steps that (a) do need to be written to make sense to other people and (b) I really need to know what's going on before I can do that. I could write them now, but if I did, I'd just end up re-writing them based on things that change as I'm coding. So we'll move those to the end:

[ID: Three dark blue boxes with white text. They read "Create step-by-step instructions for creating your own metric agg", "Create step-by-step instructions for modifying a metric", "Create step-by-step instructions for modifying a query."]

These parts, though -- if I had all the variable structures written down, I could look at them while I'm coding. Then I won't have to keep scrolling back and forth in the code, trying to remember if it's an array or a dictionary while also trying to remember what part of the code I was working on. Brilliant. Move that to the front.

[ID: Seven dark blue boxes with white text, three large, four small. The first one is large and says "Write up explanation of how Rosetta works." The second one is large and says "Document structure of all variables." Attached to that one are four smaller boxes that say "All_blocks", "Runs", "metric", "New_block". The third large one says "Document what qb_parameters.csv contains"]

Also, while I'm at it, I should get the list of variables I need to document -- then I won't have to keep scrolling to find them. Make those sub-steps.

I definitely keep needing to look up what's in the parameters document, so I should write that down, too. For the user manual I also should write down what's in the metric document, but I don't need that for myself, so I can send that to the end.

[ID: The same three dark blue boxes from two screenshots ago (create step-by-step instructions for metric agg, modifying a metric, and modifying a query), now with another dark blue box in front of them with white text that says "Document what granular_metrics.tsv contains."]

These five are all small steps, and are all related in that they don't actually (hopefully) change the functionality of the code; they're just stuff left over from prior versions of this code. So we can lump them all together.

[ID: Five light blue boxes with white text that say "Delete first part of get_runs()", "Have build_query_script only receive the "run" parameter" "Delete dmf" "Move metrics=get_metrics() outside build_all_blocks (all the way up to the top level?" "Delete group_variable from qp_parameters"]

My brain likes this better, so that I can keep track of fewer "main steps", but that's just a peculiarity of me -- you should lump and split however you prefer to make this process easier for you.

[ID: The same five boxes from the prior screenshot, now all made smaller and attached to a larger box that says "Remove Legacy Code"]

Keep going, step by step, sticky by sticky, until you've got them in order. If -- while you're doing this -- you remember another thing you need to do, write it on a sticky and slap it on the pile; you don't have to stop what you're doing to deal with it, because it's written down and it's on the pile and it will get processed; you can just keep working on the thing you're on right now.

[ID: All the same boxes from the first screenshot, now in a neat row. Some of the original boxes have been grouped together. The ones that were said to be at the beginning of the process are on the left and the ones that were said to be at the end are on the right.]

Step four: for the love of all that's holy, SAVE THIS LIST.

Write it on your cubicle whiteboard where it won't be erased

write it on a piece of paper and tape it to the office wall

send an email to yourself

take a picture with your phone

I don't care but save it.

When I used physical sticky notes, I kept them all on the hood of my cubicle's shelf. Now, as you can see, I use Powerpoint, which is irritating af but does allow me to keep everything in a single document, which I can write down the path of.

[ID: White text on a black background says "open ~/Documents/Rosetta\ Modifications\ and \Documentation.pptx" The next line says "Notes in Rocketbook pg 10-12, 16" The next line says "Turn that into documentation that can be used for making modifications."]

And now (finally) you can answer the question "How would I even get started on that?" You look at the first thing on the list, and you treat it as its own project. You can hyperfocus on this step and completely forget about everything else this project requires, because everything you need to remember for the rest of it is written down.

If, as you're working a step, you think of something else you need to do for the big project, write it on a sticky and slap it on the pile. Don't even worry about trying to order it or identify sub-steps; as long as it's not blocking the thing you need to work on right now, you don't have to care. Just stick that bugger anywhere at all on the list, and go back to what you were doing. When you un-hyperfocus and come back to look at your list, there'll be a big sticky note stuck sideways across all the rest of the steps, and you'll remember to file and order it then.

Other benefits of this system

1) The first question really helps with unclear directions from your boss. You can take whatever they told you to do, and translate it into a requirement that is clearly either met or not-met, and then run it back by the boss.

If they say, "No, no, we want ______" then phew! You just saved a huge miscommunication and weeks of wasted work! What a good employee you are! What an excellent team player with strong communication skills!

If they say "Yes, that's what I want," then you know -- for sure -- what it is you're trying to accomplish. Your anxiety is reduced, and your boss thinks you're super-conscientious.

(And if your boss is a jerk who likes to move the goalposts and blame it on their subordinates, then have this conversation over email, so you can show it to their boss or to HR should it become necessary.)

2) Having this project map means that when you spend an hour staring at the requirements and trying to figure out how to get started (which, let's be honest, you were definitely going to do anyway) ... When your boss/coworker comes by and says, "How's it going?" Instead of having to say "I haven't even started 😞" You can say, "Pretty well! I've got all the steps mapped out and am getting ready to start on implementation!" and show them your list, and they think you're very organized and meticulous. 3) Sometimes, especially in corporate jobs, you and your coworkers will run into a problem that's too big for even Neurotypicals to hold all in their heads. At that point, the NTs will be completely lost -- they've never had to develop a way to handle projects they can't just look at and know how to get started. So then you pipe up in the meeting and say, "OK, well, what exactly are we trying to accomplish?" and everybody at the conference table looks at you like you're a goddamned genius and you don't have to tell them that you use this exact same process to remember how to make a sandwich 😅

4) Having this project map makes it so much easier to stop work and then start it up again later, but this post is already really really really long, so I'm going to address that in a separate (really really long) post.

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

The Perfect Bad Boy (Pt. 14 of 18)

Pairing: Billy Hargrove X Reader

Word count: 3 K

Summary: Working as a lifeguard in the Hawkins Community Pool, you try to fit in after moving from New York. Things were going pretty well when you notice you've been under someone's stare. Billy Hargrove, Hawkins' bad boy, has been staring at you since day one. You never intended to have anything to do with him, judging by the reputation he has. But Billy won't leave you alone, determined to show you his feelings are different this time...

As if your heart flooding you with confusing feelings wasn't enough, there are weird, strange animals lurking in the woods... But those have to be just part of the wild live of the woods surrounding Hawkins... Right?

<- Previous part (13)

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{Stranger Things Masterlist}

×

Hunt and Destroy

“Alright... A lot of new words and names...” You mutter, looking at the floor between your feet. It's late now, and Eleven has been talking for over an hour. The story is long and you had to stop her to ask a few questions. More than a few, actually. Everything sounds like a very strange story, the weirdest, something nobody could come up with. To prove it, Eleven turned the TV on with her mind, skipping through the channels before turning it off again. But you didn't need any proof. You know what you saw and it was very, very real. “Upside down, Demodog, Demodorden...”

“Demogorgon. With a G.” Dustin corrects you, smiling. How can he be smiling?

“Demogorgon, ok.” Nodding, you take a deep breath and stand up. “So... What's the plan?” You ask, pacing around the living room.

“Well, we need to gather the whole party for this,” Max says and the others nod.

“I'll talk to my mom and Hopper,” Jonathan speaks out. “We have to do this as soon as possible so... tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Can it be here?” You're not sure if you can make this demand, but right now, being anywhere else after dark is too much. The sunlight is your protection since it's deadly to the... Demo-something. It burns them. They like it cold, said Eleven.

“Sure.” Jonathan answers and you offer him a small smile in return. “Could it be by five? Before the sunset.”

“Yeah. We can sneak out of the pool again.” It shouldn't be a problem, and if Anthony is there, you could pretend to be sick.

“Tomorrow is our day off.” Billy reminds and you take a deep breath, running a hand through your hair. You completely forgot that.

“By the morning them. Maybe we'll get something figured out we can start working on through the rest of the day.” Mike suggests and the whole party agrees. “We should get going though. It's late.” Mike gets up from his spot on the floor.

“Wait.” Mike can't possibly be for real now. “You're not gonna head home now. With those things out there.” They're getting closer to the town, and it means they'll hang around all night. “It's dangerous. You should stay.”

Most of them agree easily, chattering among them. Max seems excited, but Mike exchanges a look with Nancy. “I don't think our mother would let us crash at Billy's place.” She says with an apologetic look.

“Oh.” You know why. Billy told you where he was going to when the Mind Flayer almost got him... Or better saying, who he was going to meet. Mrs. Wheeler. You did felt weird back then, and it sure makes you feel weird now, but whatever he did before, you left it where it belongs. In the past. “Just call and tell her you'll be crashing at my place.”

“Yeah, man. C'mon. Slumber party.” Dustin cheers, smiling, and once again you can't understand why they aren't terrified. Guess they're just used to it. But how can someone get used to monsters lurking around?

“Alright, then.” Mike agrees, making his way to the phone.

“They didn't get it yet,” Billy whispers in your ear.

“They didn't get it.” Repeating, you wrap your arms around his neck. “I'm really trying not to freak out right now.” The words come out of your mouth, rolling out your tongue.

“Let's go to the bedroom so you can rest and we can talk.”

“Ok...”

“Alright. It's done.” Mike comes back with his sister, gesturing at the front door. “Should we get going?”

You and Billy exchange a look. They really didn't get it. “Uhm... So that's it, guys.” You start, taking Billy's hand and pulling him with you. “You can crash either here or Max's room. First to wake up makes breakfast.”

“Wait. You made me lie to my mom?” Mike asks as you move further into the hall.

“(Y/N) is living here.” Max ends the mystery, and you can feel her massive eye roll.

“Holy shit.” You hear Dustin and Steve mumbling as you get inside the room.

Billy lets you shower first, and as you wait for him, you look through his college books. Everything seems very complicated. Your fingers run through one of the pages, taking in the many numbers, but not really reading anything. Your mind is too far away right now. The scene keeps playing back, over and over. The... Demodog, as the kids call it, its face opening up, the guttural noises it made. You wish it was just a nightmare, but everything seems very, very real.

Billy's sudden touch makes you suck in a sharp breath, shaking a little. “Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.” The feeling is quickly replaced by the usual warmth he makes you feel. Safety and comfort.

“It's ok, I'm just... How is it possible that the kids seem to be so fine with it?” Turning around, you lay your head on his chest as he pulls you close.

“They've been through a lot. They know how to deal with it and you don't have to participate if you don't want to.” Billy touches your face, fingers caressing the soft skin of your jaw. “I'll do anything to keep you safe, you know that right?”

You do. But staying out would not only make you a coward, but it would mean one less person to help them do whatever they're planning to. And, whatever this thing is, it had a part in messing with Billy's life. With Max's life, and all her friends. It's kind of personal. And, if Billy is in danger, you want to be there to make sure you'll do anything to save him. “I want to do it. I just need time to... Process everything.”

“You won't be alone. And I'm not talking only for myself, but for everyone else too.”

“Ok.”

“Now come. You need to get some sleep.” Billy pulls you to the bed, and, instead of laying beside him as usual, you decide to crawl on top of him.

“Am I crushing you?” You ask as you lay your head on his chest, smiling to feel his strong arms around you.

“Haven't you noticed the weight I can lift? You're nothing compared to it.”

Closing your eyes, you feel as he places a kiss on the top of your head. You've never been like that with Billy, literally on top of him, and it's good. Today, more than ever, you need to feel safe. Protected. And he's the only one who makes you feel this way. “I'm so happy we don't have to go to work tomorrow.”

“Me too.”

Pulling yourself up, you move upwards until your face is close to his. “Do you think the kids are talking about us?” Despite your mind being apparently stuck reminiscing the same moment, the terror in your chest, you try to change the subject. Hopefully, it'll keep you from having nightmares tonight.

“I'm sure of it.” As he speaks, a noise of glass shattering reaches us. “Max!” Billy yells at the top of his lungs, startling you. “What the hell!”

“Stop yelling.” You giggle, playfully slapping his shoulder.

“Just a glass, Billy,” Maxine answers from somewhere in the house.

“Better clean this shit up!” He shouts again.

“Shut up!” You whine, lowering yourself on him a little. “Or else I'll have to make you and it won't be nice.”

Billy raises an eyebrow, that usual smirk making its way to his lips. “Oh, and how exactly wouldn't it be nice?”

Yeah, you didn't really give much thought before making the threat. “Okay then.” Smirking, you close the distance between you until your lips are brushing on his before you sit up abruptly, a hand covering his mouth. “See? I told you it wouldn't be nice.” He opens his mouth under your hand, and you feel his teeth biting your skin. “Billy!” You complain, taking your hand away from his mouth. “I can't believe you bit me, you jerk.”

“You got what you deserved.” He suddenly pulls you down, making you lay next to him. “Now, quit playing around and sleep, princess. Tomorrow will be a long day.”

“Kiss me goodnight then. To keep the bad dreams away.” You ask him softly, melting into the slow, warm kiss he gives you.

It doesn't help with the nightmares though. Twice that night you wake up, a breath caught in your throat. You struggle not to let Billy notice, snuggling closer to him.

You're more than happy when morning finally comes. The house is so damn loud, and breakfast in a mess. You like it though, the craziness distracting you from yesterday's events. The rest of the party is here by nine, thanks to the urgency of the matter. And then, after everyone is fed up and the dishes are clean, which took half an hour since nobody wanted to do it, everyone sits in the living room to talk.

And you just can't seem to keep up with it. The boys speak fast, Hopper yells, Joyce tries to calm him down, he argues with Eleven, which is like his daughter, you got that, and then he argues with Mike. Nancy and Jonathan always check with each other before saying something, Steve always finds the flaws on the kids' plans, pointing out the many ways it could go wrong, and Dustin often gets into some kind of argument with him. There are a hundred different ways things could go wrong. A thousand ways you could die. Running a hand through your hair, you hold onto Billy's biceps, laying your head on his shoulder. You're the only one who didn't say anything since the conversation started. There's just nothing you can help them with, you'll just stick up to whatever plan they have.

What they know for sure that these Demodogs are here because some of them must have been left behind in some kind of incubation period until it started growing again.

“So that's it. Hunt and destroy.” Lucas says, nodding to himself.

“Yes. We don't know exactly how much time we have until they start going full Demogorgon, so we should start acting now.” Mike states. “Immediately.”

As if something was lit up, everyone starts moving. “My place in one hour, everyone,” Hopper says and suddenly the crowd disperses, the house once again silent.

You're still in the same place you were, on the couch, legs crossed, eyes on the floor. “Hey. You ok?”

“Yeah.” Taking a deep breath, you stand up. “So. Hopper's place. One hour.” Saying this more to yourself than to him, you get up and pace around the living room. “Should we take the baseball bat?”

“Steve has one far more fun than that. You'll like it.” You can tell Billy is keeping his voice nice and soft, trying not to push you over the edge with everything that's going on. “(Y/N), you don't have to go. You know that, right?”

“I do. But I'm going anyway.” Walking over him, you tiptoe to place a kiss on his lips. “Those kids are so brave. I don't want them to think I'm the weak link.”

“Alright, but we stick together. No exceptions.”

“I agree.” It does make you feel a lot better.

In the next hour, you and Billy shower and get ready. You make sure to wear short jeans and a light shirt so you won't feel too hot. The plan is trying to find the Demodog's nest. This part has to be made during the daylight, to make sure no attacks will happen, so you have no choice but to walk around the woods under the sun. Billy makes sure to shove a lot of water on his backpack, using literally every bottle he found in the house. And Max gathers some snacks for the day.

You reach Hopper's place at the same time Nancy, Jonathan, and Mike does, realizing it's also Joyce's place. The party is gathered in front of the house, a big map of Hawking on the ground. Beside it, a pile of some random stuff that you guess will be the... Weapons you'll use. Just in case.

Hopper is the one to assign everyone a place to start, the area they'll have to cover, and where they'll have to stop. There are lines drawn over the map, and you hope Billy has everything memorized because you don't even know where is where. Then, the groups are separated. Billy of course says he'll take you and Max. And Lucas, much to his dismay, will come along too. When people start taking stuff from the pile, you immediately get what Billy mentioned earlier. There's a baseball bat with nails on the top. Smiling, you take it.

“That's so badass.” You mutter, looking at Billy. “This will be my weapon of choice.”

“Hey. That's mine.” Steve exclaims, reaching out his hand.

“Not anymore, buddy.” You sass at him, swinging the bar and hitting the air.

“But–”

“She's good with the bat, trust me,” Maxine says and you nod. Some people have an interrogation on their faces, and Steve keeps staring at the three of you, as if waiting for further explanation.

“We have an inside joke.” Lowering the bat, you turn to look at Billy.

“Restricted to the Hargrove family,” Billy states, taking one the radios from the pile and starting the make his way to the car. “And Max.”

“But what about me?” You feel a little set aside by his affirmation, wondering what he meant. It's impossible that he's ignoring the fact that you were there that day. “I'm in the joke too.” Whining a little on purpose, you follow him.

“You still only notice half of things.” Billy winks at you as he gets inside the car, and after Max and Lucas get in the back seat, you get in as well. “I know you know what I meant.”

“Maybe I didn't.” Billy has this way with you. You were expecting the first sensations to fade, but they didn't. He still makes you nervous, the butterflies on your stomach doesn't seem to grow immune to him. And part of you is still scared of the things you think he means. You did got what he said, but it's safer to just pretend you didn't, right?

The short drive is filled with chattering. The kind of chattering you didn't want to hear since it's all about the Demothings. You stop by the woods, and Max and Lucas will be the ones responsible for the map since they have a compass.

And so the ‘hunting’ starts. You're glad it's not a real hunt though. You remember when you invited Billy for a trail with your friends, but walking through the woods feels different now. Before, you had only the normal wild animals to worry about, not some monsters that came out of the gates of hell. But you try to keep in mind that the sunlight means protection, so you'll safe. For now.

“Billy, can you make sure we'll have enough daylight to make the way back to the car?” You ask him, putting your hair up on a ponytail.

“I will, don't worry.” He moves closer, taking your hand in his. “We'll be ok. Just focus on trying to find anything unusual in the woods.”

“Sure.”

Billy doesn't let go of your hand until you stop to eat something. Lucas and Max start arguing a lot when you resume your walking, complaining about the directions. Billy is clearly pissed, not very fond of the idea of his little sister dating. It's cute the way he keeps staring at the young couple, paying attention to whatever they're saying. You wonder if Billy ever thought about having kids.

Wait. What the hell? Step back, you tell yourself. Too soon for that.

At some point, a fresh breeze starts blowing, and you couldn't be more thankful for it. Letting your hair down, you run a hand through it out of nervousness.

“I'm telling you, we have to go West now,” Lucas says.

“Yes. First West then North.” Maxine takes the map from his hands, taking a look at it. “It's obvious if you think about it. Just look. Try using your head for a moment.”

“Are you calling me dumb?”

“Yes!”

“Alright, both of you.” Billy intervenes, his voice with a tiny hint of anger. “Will you two make a goddman decision or will I have to?”

This will be interesting. Billy and you have been walking a couple of feet behind them, so as he moves ahead, you stand there, crossing your arms. The breeze brings a soft sound, that looks like the sound the pools make when it's windy. Following it, you spot water, only about ten feet away. Leaving the guys behind to their fights, you make your way there, making sure there are no big trees hiding you from their sight. When you get there, you bend down, putting one hand on the freshwater.

“(Y/N)!” It's Billy's usual yell, the one he always uses to scare the shit out of you. “Do you want to give me a heart attack?” When you turn around to look at him, he's already close by, Maxine and Lucas coming right after.

“Sorry, but I found this lake.”

“Lover's lake,” Max says, sitting down on a rock, eyes on the map.

“Lover's lake?” You repeat, crossing your arms and looking at Billy. “Why haven't you ever brought me here?” By the name, you think it would be a nice romantic date. And you remember by what you saw on the map, the lake is shaped like a heart, the reason for the name.

“Oh, you're new here. Sometimes it slips my mind.” He puts he bag down, safely away from where the small ripples reach. “People usually come here to... You know. So I thought that if I brought you and then you found out what really happens here you'd come to the wrong conclusion about my feelings for you.”

That's a very good explanation. And it makes you feel... Special. Different. “Thank you, then. For... Having this in mind.” As you speak, you take off your white shoes, all dusted by now.

“What are you doing?” He asks, an eyebrow raised when you look up at him, using his arm for balance to take off the other shoe.

“I'm using the Lover's Lake to something else than making out.” You start walking backwards, into the water.

“Whoa, look at what (Y/N)'s doing,” Lucas says, and you give them a glance. Max giggles, putting the map down.

“Try to drown Billy, would you?”

“I'll do my best.” When you stare back at Billy, he's already in the water.

You move back until your feet stop touching the bottom, so you start swimming further away. The freshwater is a blessing, washing the hot day from your skin. For a moment, you decide to leave the worries behind, just for a couple of minutes. Billy is quick to reach you, and you're suddenly aware of the kids staring. “We have an audience, keep that in mind.” You tell him when he pulls you close, strong arms encircling your waist.

“Were you ever kissed underwater?”

“No.” Your smirk matches his as you take a deep breath and push yourself down.

The kiss is a mess. You have to focus on holding your breath through the process, what makes you laugh, throwing bubbles on Billy's face. You manage to reach the bottom, your back hitting the rocks as Billy floats on top of you. But eventually, the oxygen you were saving is over, so you push him away and swim back up, laughing when you reach the surface.

“What a chaos.” You burst out when he comes back up as well. “We suck at underwater kisses.”

“I think I swallowed some water,” Billy says, coughing a little.

It only makes you laugh harder, removing the hair glued to your face. Swimming closer to him, you wrap your arms around his neck.

“Hey! Mr. and Mrs. Hargrove! Let's get moving!” Lucas shouts, making you roll your eyes.

You burst into laugh again when Billy flings you over his back, carrying you back to land.

And the walking restarts, with Max and Lucas constantly arguing and Billy trying to make them stop. The good thing is that it distracts you. And the bad part is that it distracts you from searching around for any signs of a Demothing nest. Your eyes scan through the woods, among the trees, looking for–.

“Holy shit!” Lucas exclaims and then he jolts away, running, followed by Max. You and Billy exchange a look before rushing after them.

Before you can ask what was that, you see it. A huge hole on the solid ground. It would fit a car in it. The thing goes down, in a slope, and then it keeps going until it makes a turn left. It's clear it doesn't belong to any kind of wild animal. It's not natural. A low, guttural low snarl reaches your ears, and you involuntary gives step back.

“Call them. Them then we found it.” Lucas says, taking a pencil and making a mark on the map.

The moment Max takes the small radio, you hear static. “Everyone listen up.” Steve says, more voices talking behind him. “We found it. A freaking hole in the ground. It has to be–”

“That's it.” Eleven's voice cuts him off. “We found it too.”

It was supposed to be just one.

“What?” Steve asks.

“Head back now. Everyone.” Hopper says and Max turns the radio off.

This is far worse than you thought.

×

@chloe-skywalker @dpaccione @dreamin-of-dacre @funeral-7 @uncookspaget @youhavemyfantasticbeasts @halloweenbitch2764 @redlovett @multific @shinydixon @nikkixostan @clockworkballerina @nope-thanks

[weebsinstash]

I think it is time to cute her out sweetling. She sounds like a narcissist, and from what you just trauma dumped it sounds like she likes being the victim. You shouldn't put up with that.

There is nothing you can do to help her right now or possibly ever and that burden should never have fallen to you. It's sweet you want to see her get better, but you are burning yourself to keep her happy. This isn't a situation that has a case where everyone wins.

Protect yourself first, heal yourself, and maybe someday things with her will change. But her choices aren't your problem, it's not your job to fix them, and it's not your job to give up your own health to make others happy; family or not.

Yes your sister is going through a lot and I understand wanting to help, but as someone with most of the mental health problems you mentioned (bpd, ptsd, depression, bipolar) I can with confidence say it doesn't excuse her behavior to you and your mother.

I have pitty for her, she's so blinded by her self made excuses that she can't see the wonderful sister she has.

I just can't help but think, like, mom and I wonder if there's something undiagnosed? She says ever since my sister was a child she would always need things repeated and would ask "what do you mean" and there was an age where everyone thought she behaved really strangely? And I wonder if she has undiagnosed ADHD because that can affect your focus, your mood regulation, things like that, and I hear ADHD can also explain excessive sleep which has a a lifelong issue for my sister. Its uh, it's also worth mentioning that apparently vyvanse/Adderall is one of the things she's occasionally using recreationally/buying off the street

But. I also. I also keep clinging to that possibility because its less painful to consider "maybe she just has some sort of disability and she literally can't help being this way" over "theres nothing we can do, she has to choose for herself what to do and she doesn't want to"

I just. I think I'll take the route of maybe sending her a message every now and again like once a week but im going to have to lower my expectations for hearing back from her. I just... I can't completely cut her off because she already feels so alone and thinks we don't care. What if me doing something to cut her off drove her to... I dont even want to think about whatever she might do. If she even cares about me that much.

It's just. She's been through so much. I can understand how that damages someone. There are times I let my depression get extremely bad and I had to hit the bottom before I get better or try to start taking meds again and I hope the same can happen for her but. She has. A lifetime of these bad decisions. I feel like I'm watching her self destruct. I literally feel like I need to get into contact with our father and have him talk to her about this as a former addict/alcoholic, and I haven't spoken to that man in years. Like. Im desperate.

My mom is heartbroken too. She's 57 and she's worried about how my sister and I will take care of ourselves after she's gone. She even said during the visit "you'd think your sister would show some sort of concern that I'm getting older". Like she has had to completely shut herself down after this visit or else she'd be constantly sobbing. I've seen my mom cry more in this last week than when her own mother died. She's terrified that she has to try and fix this before mt sister gets any worse and my mom isn't here to help her

I'm just so sad. I'm sad and I'm angry and I'm disappointed and I feel so so SO guilty and. Yeah.

God fucking damn it i was just thinking about trying to force myself to get back into writing too, because that's something fun for me, that's an outlet for me, something thats productive and makes me feel better, and now that's becoming associated with this pain. Fuck. Fuck. It just keeps getting better.

[punkscowardschampions]

Savannah & Jac

Savannah: Are you on your way here? Jac: I hadn't started to get ready yet Jac: got caught up doing some prep for our next lecture, haven't looked at the clock in a minute 🤯 whoops Savannah: well thank god, I was hoping to catch you before having to dramatically tell you to turn around, especially if you had happened to be half way to me Jac: Oh? Jac: What's going on in UH tonight? 😄 Savannah: Nothing, which is perhaps why we're the centre of attention Jac: 😬 Don't love the sound of that Jac: what's been said? Savannah: I'm not even sure because the way she was saying it gave me the most INTENSE Catholic school flashbacks Savannah: & I've overanalysed every syllable to the point that it's been twisted beyond recognition so I can't be trusted to reliably relay any of it Jac: Okay, pause Jac: who's being mean to you, and why on earth Jac: Is it that one girl in the next room along from you, because I did think she was someone's little sister so I can believe the immaturity Savannah: I think she was trying to be complimentary about us but I didn't take it like that, I can't, not after everything Jac: Baby Jac: just try to explain it best you can Jac: take your time, and I'll forgive any personal interjection Jac: because I care more about how it's made you feel, than how it was said or meant, really Savannah: she's made me feel like I'm doing this all wrong, exactly how I said I wouldn't, holding you back and being too much Jac: But you aren't at all Jac: what would she even know about it, she doesn't know either of us, even a little bit Savannah: maybe that unbiased outside perspective is what I needed to make me realise the mistakes I'm making Savannah: because it isn't just her, they're all talking about how you're ALWAYS here, how inseparable we are Jac: Do you feel like we're taking things too fast, being too much? Savannah: No Savannah: but I didn't last time either Jac: okay Jac: because you know you can tell me, if you are Jac: I mean, I don't know what to do with this information Jac: we don't judge them for their relationships Savannah: I was fine, but I'm scared now, obviously Jac: that we're like you and Tyler, or you and Milo Jac: or that we're repeating our past and it'll end badly again Savannah: that I can't have a relationship that isn't ridiculously co-dependent, except it's not even, because that implies that they were as extra as I was Savannah: & that I shouldn't have entered into this one if I haven't changed enough to avoid repeating things Jac: They balanced you out Jac: and I don't Savannah: they let me do whatever I wanted, that isn't what I want from you Jac: but if it's what we both want Jac: it's hard for me to think we should listen more to these girls, who are probably speaking at least from a bit of jealousy, than that Savannah: No, because it isn't what we both want, a healthy relationship is what we both want Jac: Yeah Jac: you're right, of course Jac: but, I don't like the implication that they know what works for us Jac: if we need to reevaluate, it can still be on our terms Jac: I bet lots of them have never had a serious relationship, or only the same level of unhealthy as we have before, they're not qualified Savannah: They don't know us or have any qualifications & I believe you're right about the jealousy factor but I am still willing to see & use this as the wake up call that I need to do better Jac: We can do that Jac: I trust you Jac: I'm not going to see this as you pulling away or something I've done Savannah: please don't, because it isn't Jac: It was my initial fear Jac: but you never leave me to worry Jac: and the fact that I immediately went there is just something I need to address too Savannah: you have reason to go there, it's okay Savannah: how I handled things back then is precisely what I'm trying to avoid Jac: I completely see that, I honestly do Jac: I'm sorry if I got defensive right there Savannah: & I can see that I've slightly overreacted now that I've slightly calmed down Jac: It made me feel the same Jac: like you said, the school flashbacks are no joke Savannah: I'm so sorry I told you not to come, I'd hate for you to think that's what I want, ever Jac: It's okay, we can take a night off Jac: but I'm also not gonna tell you you can't come to mine instead, once they've all gone back to their rooms or whatever Savannah: are you going to tell me what prep you were doing which I should've been instead of freaking out? Savannah: because I need to know Jac: Of course Jac: we haven't competed like that for a LONG time now Jac: it's not like we were asked but I asked [your fave prof bff 'cos lord knows I'm using the photos] on the way out last week if there was anything we could study up on ready for next term Savannah: once I've done everything he has suggested & fixed my 😢 face I'll come over Jac: My poor boo, I hate that they upset you so much Jac: also that we only have showers Jac: or I'd recommend a bubble bath as first order of business Savannah: honestly the lack of 🛀🏾🥂 upsets me more than anything Savannah: but in all seriousness, it wasn't even those girls at fault, I got myself worked up Jac: it is a travesty Jac: we need a place with an en-suite next year Jac: because the idea of sharing a bath with god knows who is no more appealing than NOT having one 😰 Jac: it's okay, I won't insist on being that stereotype and 'having a word' with them, they can live, for now Savannah: if checking into a hotel wouldn't be viewed as the ULTIMATE overreaction, I definitely would use the 💳 my dad insisted upon giving me Jac: I can only imagine the flashbacks that would give him 🙄 Jac: not worth the stress nor satisfaction Jac: though I was thinking we could do something, go somewhere, before the Christmas hols, as we will both be obligated to go all in with the family during Savannah: there would be SO MUCH satisfaction but I promise, I'll resist and be good, for now Savannah: no such promises of 👼🏾 for a family Christmas though, so I love that idea Jac: We can make that happen with just a shower, I promise you Jac: even if we just see a bit more of Edinburgh, get that hotel, I wanna treat you Jac: and no one can stop me spending as much time as we're able lavishing attention on you before we have to go back Jac: because it's going to be stressful, we both know that much already Savannah: if you're feeling left out because your entire dorm isn't talking about us, I can make that happen once we're 🚿 Savannah: you're the most thoughtful girlfriend in the entire world, but if that's something we're about to start competing over in place of academics, that's more than fine with me Jac: I might regret saying I can handle that but Jac: I don't Jac: 😳😳 Savannah: you won't have any, I promise Jac: I love you Savannah: I'm utterly in love with you Jac: I'll never get over hearing that Savannah: you don't have to because I love your 😳 too Jac: It's so different Jac: even though we used to say it like all the time Savannah: you know I meant it every time, it just had to be different Jac: and it is Jac: third time's a charm Jac: we'll make it work this time, no matter how much work that might be Jac: because it's so worth it Savannah: yes, it is and we will Jac: I'm gonna order all your faves when you get here Savannah: 🥰 Savannah: hopefully the lecture prep won't take me too long Jac: you can always read through mine Jac: it's not like it's cheating, just a better way to do a study sesh Savannah: if you're going to send it to me, absolutely, but if you're expecting me to concentrate on reading through it when I get there, I'm sorry but there's no way Jac: I'm not that 😈 Jac: at least not at the sake of your education Savannah: & thank goodness as my parents are both already doing the most to interfere with my education right now with their constant communication Jac: yet imagine your dad in particular if you did any less than perfect Jac: I don't know how he fails to see how counterproductive the constant checking in is Savannah: or the pressure that he's been putting on me to spend Christmas with him from literally November 1st, I swear Savannah: it hasn't slipped his mind that I had no choice but to do that for the last two, even if the unfairness to my mother is something he refuses to think about Jac: Yes, I was about to say Jac: he'll have to think about how he's going to timeshare more efficiently with your mum now, just because it was his way or nothing for two whole years Jac: clearly, that didn't work so well for anyone BUT him Savannah: he thinks he can dictate to me as if I'm no older than I was when he forced me to leave & as though nothing has changed since then Savannah: I'm not going to jeopardise my mum's recovery by not spending time with her in the holidays Jac: To even suggest, let alone expect that from you Jac: even if he's not thinking about your mother, why would he want that guilt for you Jac: at least he cannot literally force you onto a plane to Sligo instead of Dublin Jac: it's getting Sienna, that needs to be planned Savannah: I'm at my wits end with her, it's like she doesn't see the problem Savannah: of course I'd understand her reluctance to spend it with mum but it's all about him, every single of her reasonings, because they aren't even really hers Savannah: she just fully believes whatever dad says Jac: 😕 That's hard Jac: because it automatically puts you in the bad guy camp Jac: because obviously it's nicer to believe that he only wants what's best etc Jac: but when she realizes that's not totally true, that'll be shattering Savannah: she's going to get hurt by him again, as if I wasn't there when he walked out teaching her to question everything that comes out of a man's mouth, that man in particular Savannah: I hate it Jac: I know 😞 Jac: all you're trying to do is protect her Jac: is she interested at coming like, at all? Jac: even if not the actual day of Savannah: It's not like I want her to spend her time and energy until her leavers cert hating him as much as I do, I know it'll be different for her now that I'm gone Savannah: but we get nowhere whenever I try to talk to her about mum, irrespective of the actual subject Savannah: I'm not giving up, of course, but I won't pretend to you that it isn't exhausting Jac: Of course you don't, you'd never tell her what to think Jac: but if you can see things differently, or remember how it was last time, it doesn't make you a bad sister, it's the opposite Jac: you never do ❤ Jac: I was just wondering, though this would be a bit morally dubious Jac: if we could trick her into spending some time with your mum Jac: I could make my sister invite her to something legit, like a family party Jac: your dad MIGHT say yes? I don't know Savannah: at this point I'm so close to walking away from everyone for the sake of my own mental health to spend the holidays alone & obviously that's not a real option I have available to me so I'm more than ready to do it & take the bad karma if it backfires Jac: I understand, last Christmas, I would've given anything to do just that Jac: I think it could work, your dad being the only potential block Jac: we could go for the second half, do New Years with her, maybe Savannah: 😞 I'm going to make sure you have the best Christmas this year, baby, whether or not this works Jac: I've got you, that's all I need for it to be perfect Jac: and we will work this out Jac: but as you said, it isn't even time yet, so you don't have to figure it all out tonight Jac: but when we do, you will have a peaceful and joyful Christmas, if it's the last thing I do Savannah: You're perfect & you're getting my undivided attention tonight, I truly do not care what opinion any or every American girl in this town has or decides to share Jac: A no-phone policy does not even need to be implemented when you're so beautiful Jac: it'd practically be a sin to not use every sense on you Jac: but seriously, whilst they may have a point, we're also further along than they might assume Jac: like I said, if they've never had a proper relationship, they're used to not getting texts back and having to be cool about it 🤷 Jac: we don't have to tone ourselves down or lessen what we have, if it doesn't serve us to do so, only in the ways it might Savannah: I will implement one though, some kind of a genuine family emergency happening again notwithstanding Savannah: I learnt a LOT about sin in Catholic school & you're totally right Savannah: you're the only person who I'd tone anything down for & since you haven't asked me, I really don't think it's necessary Jac: I appreciate it, a lot, you know that, right? Jac: the cliche isn't totally baseless then Jac: you can tell me all about it but we better keep that on the down-low 🤫 Savannah: okay, you don't want that specific dialogue broadcast to your entire dorm, just our mutual appreciation Savannah: I can do that Jac: I can only imagine how enthusiastic the boys would be Jac: and I only care about your enthusiasm Savannah: ugh, true Savannah: I forget too easily that we're not totally on our own once the door is closed, which I'm sure is what lead to that conversation taking place earlier Jac: We aren't the only ones who do that Jac: I swear to God I've heard at least four different girls going next door 🙄 Savannah: 🙄 not to mention I'm still getting woken up by a certain person we don't like just being loud while she undergoes her morning routine, which has literally been happening since I first moved in Jac: I can't deal with how loud she is Jac: the accent makes it so grating Jac: is she trying to be an influencer? make friends? either or 😬 honey no Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I'm going to have to start going to bed earlier to compensate once lectures start Jac: She a THOUSAND percent has booked herself all afternoon/evening lectures and won't get why everyone is making such a big deal ??? Jac: so that girl Jac: I do my best work in the AM, that's just facts, not all of us plan to party through the entire experience, come on Savannah: So do I, as you know, so if she doesn't take the numerous hints once they are coming from more than just me, I'll have to move in with you & be that girl Savannah: which would entirely negate all the rational points I made earlier Jac: God, there needs to be a way to complain about her without it being dead obvious Jac: an amnesty box of sorts Jac: I'm still looking for doubles but no one is moving yet Savannah: If I have to befriend her to initiate the behaviour change that way, I guess I'll get used to the accent Savannah: you've said my 🥺 is like a superpower Jac: it would be very on-brand Jac: basically work experience for us Jac: and they are but she might fall for you and then she'd be around even more Savannah: oh no, imagine how vocal she would be if she did Savannah: it would be beyond difficult to cope with Jac: I would not cope Jac: at all Jac: so I shan't imagine it Savannah: 😄 Jac: 😥 Savannah: Baby, don't 😥 Jac: I'll have to go back to being a TOTAL bitch from hell if she dares Savannah: 🥺 no Savannah: you're an angel Savannah: & she isn't worth your time or energy, I am Jac: You Jac: x2 Jac: I don't care about anyone else here Jac: in the nicest way possible, of course Savannah: except [whatever your professor bff's name is] that's evident in the notes you've sent me Jac: Okay, he's pretty cool Jac: and definitely gonna help us get perfect marks Savannah: you definitely don't need his help Savannah: I'd almost forgotten just how intelligent you are Jac: I'll try not to be offended Jac: even though I was still totally convinced you'd be going to Bath before I saw you Savannah: I mean, actually, not in a romanticised way because of how much I was in awe of you Savannah: & I did go there, before I made up my mind which offer to accept & it didn't feel right Jac: I'm only teasing, I know that Jac: 🌌💫 Savannah: we were supposed to be here together, like we always talked about Savannah: I shouldn't have ever tried to fight that Jac: I couldn't even bring myself to check your socials before Jac: I don't know what I didn't want to see more, you know Jac: confirmation either way was just, no Savannah: I understand Jac: If I'd have seen gap year plans with Milo, that would not have been it Savannah: most of the time that we were intending to plan was spent arguing anyway, I'm not sure he really wanted to go at any stage of it Savannah: with me, I mean Jac: You weren't right for each other Jac: he's lost a lot more from that deal than you have Savannah: He'll be having a lovely time in hostels, undoubtedly Savannah: it won't be a culture shock at all Jac: Checks out Jac: authentic experience Jac: inserting himself with all the other foreigners Savannah: 🙄 Savannah: if I thought he had a posh accent, lord knows what they'll think Jac: he'll be stimulating the economy, they'll pretend he's not unbearable Savannah: at least he'll be stimulating something, I suppose Jac: 😂 Jac: you said it, not me Savannah: it speaks to my experience Jac: how anyone has the nerve to 🥱 you when you're so interesting is so offensive to me Savannah: it's not his fault that nobody else could ever be as interesting to me as you are, but he is responsible for the effort, or lack of that he put in Jac: no, it'd take someone really special to fight the 🌌💫 and it's plans for us Jac: and I can imply he wasn't that person, without being petty about it Savannah: it's honesty, he wasn't that person & he'd be the first to say so Jac: you're already happier, aren't you? Jac: on this path, this direction Savannah: yes, the happiest Jac: 😊🥰 Savannah: excuse me while I have one of those moments where I can't believe any of this is really happening & fully expect to wake up in Sligo for the summer to the realisation it was the most incredible dream Jac: It's actually such a fear Jac: I never want to go to sleep when I'm with you Jac: for that reason, and the obvious being I can't look at you with my eyes closed Savannah: but if you don't your subconscious can't talk to me & you know how much I love that Jac: so far Jac: what if I say something totally stupid and betray myself 😱 Savannah: you could never say anything stupid & I know you aren't going to betray yourself or me Jac: You trust me, I trust you Savannah: exactly Jac: if I ever say anything really cringe, you can just not tell me, yeah 😅 Savannah: 😄 like what? Jac: anything our favourite American might say, for example Savannah: she isn't actually going to attempt to flirt with me, boo Jac: I know, she's the definition of straight Jac: bless her Savannah: ^^ she's the only person I would apply the word definition to, literally anyone else has the ability to change & grow but she's CLEARLY set in her loud ways Jac: ^ That's totally the vibe Jac: she made her mind up aged 10 she was right and hasn't moved an inch since, whatever the subject Savannah: you're so right Savannah: What were you like when you were 10? Jac: Oh God Jac: let me think Jac: so, fourth class, absolutely LIVID over the fact we had 2 more years of first school after that Jac: thought I was way too grown-up for EVERYTHING Jac: there was probably some boyband I was into but if there was, I don't remember but Isabelle probably still has the merch and posters on her wall Jac: hopefully I was less insufferable when we properly met those years later Jac: how about you? Savannah: I can totally relate, except of course I thought I was too grown up for boybands too Jac: Totally Jac: it was like a secret shame but she had none, Amelia neither Jac: so I kinda had to go with it Savannah: 😄 Savannah: I had a very overprotective father who wouldn't have let me go to those concerts even if I had wanted to so Jac: it made sense to be anti then Jac: it was a lot of screaming and pre-teen hormones, it might've felt like it at the time, but you didn't miss out on a whole lot Savannah: if there'd been a girl band of that era I'd have been much more likely to have supported them, as a fierce little feminist Jac: Adorable Jac: you were cute, I remember that much Savannah: you've always been cute, I've seen the photos Jac: at least my hair had grown back in a decent amount by then Jac: I was so jealous of yours Savannah: really? I didn't even know how to properly style it back then Savannah: but I still insisted, obviously, instead of letting my mum help me Jac: I liked that Jac: you didn't just let your mum braid it and put a bow in Jac: I have to assume that was my logic when I cut mine Jac: independence, making my own choice Savannah: I thought I could do ANYTHING, it's embarrassing how big my aspirations were Savannah: & that there was no limit on the choices I had, there was total belief in that too Jac: it's nice Jac: I wish we stayed like that Savannah: imagine my 🥺 when I discovered inequality & where I was supposed to fit into it as a black girl, except don't because I was utterly devastated Savannah: we still have big dreams though & more choices than 10 year old me did Jac: I don't wanna cry Jac: you're still going to get everything you want Jac: and you've had to work twice as hard for it, no one can take that away from you Savannah: no 😢 we're both going to have a beautiful life Jac: ✨🌼🌷❤☀️❤🌹🌻✨ Savannah: I'll help you & you'll help me Savannah: now that I'm more willing to accept it than I was as a child Jac: and your hair is undeniably flawless Jac: we can do anything Savannah: Oh my god, it's my turn to be jealous of yours & I always am Jac: the fact you can be jealous of anyone blows my mind Jac: you are perfection Jac: but you can play with my hair all you want now Savannah: but not literally right now 🥺 Jac: life is so unfair Jac: I'm so proud of you though, working so hard Savannah: well I'm even prouder of you, these notes are flawless Jac: I've got my uses, yeah Savannah: [a picture of her own aesthetic af notes so far because we are both those bitches] Jac: [truly, could rinse the studyblr tag with these two] Jac: 😍😍😍 you've picked such pretty colours Savannah: [I have saved some cute psychology ones off pinterest for when they start their studies] Savannah: they do match my outfit but if I start sending pictures of myself I'll never finish Jac: if you start sending pictures of yourself, I'll find it harder to be supportive of your studies Savannah: I miss you too Jac: as long as we're in that together too Jac: I'll survive Jac: my room does need tidying before you get here Savannah: you're adorable, you don't have to tidy up for me Jac: for my notes to look perfect, my room has to get a little messy Jac: oh, and my hair, probably Savannah: I can fix your hair for you after we 🚿 Jac: as long as you don't think I look terrible when you show and run straight back Savannah: I've been 😢 so I don't have any room to judge but even if I did, you could never look terrible & there is no conceivable reason that I'd ever run away from you Savannah: but if you need to shown all of that when I get there, it's okay, I'm happy to Jac: I'm so needy, I'm sorry Savannah: you're allowed to want me & not be sorry Savannah: I definitely don't see it as a negative Jac: Good Jac: I haven't done this before Jac: I don't ever wanna be too much Savannah: well, you aren't doing it alone & I trust us more than the opinion of a random American girl I'm currently stuck living with Savannah: any amount of reassurance you need for any reason, it's fine, I promise Jac: 😌 I'm cool Jac: but thank you Jac: there's no one else I would want to or could do this with Savannah: there's no need to thank me, I'll do anything to make sure you feel happy & secure Jac: and I intend to return the favour, always Jac: in every way available to me Savannah: 😊 I know, I meant what I said earlier, you're very good at this, first time girlfriend or not Jac: I've got to be a worthy competitor and you're 👼🏾 Savannah: Catholic school taught me a lot about 👼🏾 too Jac: I'm so relieved they still had to give you an actual education as well Jac: I can only imagine how hard Science could've fallen by the wayside Savannah: still, I will not be enrolling my 👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾 when they're old enough Jac: at least you don't have to make that decision for a while yet Savannah: which is just as well because my immediate response was 'thank god', how blasphemous Savannah: 🙏🏾 hasn't guided this decision but there is a LOT of  🙌🏾 involved Jac: he'd approve if that was the only precaution you took, like Savannah: his approval would have to eclipse my actual father's disapproval, which is BEYOND unlikely Jac: 🙏🏾 is less vocal Jac: it's more signs than 🔊 Savannah: I think that's ⛪️ dependent, some 🙏🏾🙌🏾 is very vocal Jac: actual GOD himself though Savannah: hmm, well he is a man Savannah: it makes communication more challenging Jac: I'm sure little Savannah would've said herself Savannah: child me would've believed that god is a woman, another dream shattered for sure Jac: a woman wouldn't have done so poorly Jac: it's a compliment, really Savannah: exactly, with the zero communication, it'd be like excuse me honey, why are you so angry at me that you've blocked me? Jac: that kind of drama is reserved for me Savannah: not even, I know what I did to you Jac: you didn't do anything to me, not on purpose, I always knew that Savannah: it wasn't on purpose but that doesn't mean it's okay Savannah: I hurt you anyway Jac: We were both hurt and hurting Jac: it was a lot Savannah: yes, but it's important that you don't make excuses for me simply because of how much you want to forgive me Jac: I won't Jac: I can just recognize my role in everything too Jac: as well as the other factors that neither of us could control Savannah: ^^ we're not going to get hung up on it to the extent that it ruins everything, but we can & will acknowledge it all so that doesn't either Savannah: I do love a balancing act 😄🙄 Jac: You do it flawlessly Jac: but we don't have to examine our past and our current behaviour constantly Jac: night's off are self-care Jac: tonight can be one of them, we'll just be Savannah: okay Savannah: I don't know why it feels like I haven't seen you in a really long time, I swear I didn't fully disassociate during my freak out earlier Jac: I feel it too Jac: judge away, everyone Jac: we're making up for lost time Savannah: they'd understand if I actually let them spend time with you instead of stealing you away on sight Jac: I can't pretend to be devastated Jac: you're the most interesting to me Savannah: I can't pretend I regret it either Jac: 🥰 Jac: we have plenty of time to socialize Jac: and we do, with people who are relevant, like people on our course and the psych society Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: It's not my fault she isn't looking over my shoulder when I'm super active in both of those group chats Savannah: I was literally setting up a study group before she cornered me, excuse her Jac: 🙄🙄🙄 I don't care for her at all, even if she's brought a potential problem to our attention before it was Jac: like thanks but still, bye though Jac: maybe the rest of her art history course does NOT love her either 😬 like if YOU'RE lonely, just say Savannah: mhmm Savannah: if anybody understands loneliness, we do Jac: right, if the ego was taken out of it, we'd try to spend time with her, and loads of other people in your dorm etc would too Jac: she's not helping herself rn Savannah: I also totally understand overconfidence as a front for insecurity, like hello??! She could have an ally in me if she'd approach things differently Jac: 🤞 she gets there before the year is out Jac: I don't want anyone struggling, seriously Jac: but I know forcing friendships when they aren't happening naturally isn't healthy Jac: never mind accepting people's toxic behaviour when we're actively trying not to do or be that Savannah: I couldn't agree more Savannah: though, despite what I said before about her not flirting with me, there is a very high possibility she'll fall in love with you if you keep being so perfect Savannah: everyone will Savannah: it's not as if she has to like girls to appreciate your intelligence, empathy or compassion, even if understanding your resilience & determination is clearly a harder task for her right now Savannah: a beautiful soul is a beautiful soul Jac: 🥺 Jac: Baby Jac: beautiful recognizes beautiful, that's all I have to say Jac: you make me feel so much better than I've ever thought I am Savannah: I can't say if I achieve nothing else while I'm here I'll be satisfied, because you know me better than that, but I am proud to be able to list that as an ongoing one because I've never met a better person than you Savannah: you deserve to feel it Savannah: & if you are what you love, what a good person you are shamelessly works in my favour too Jac: you're the most incredible person I've ever known Jac: it just sounds like a baseless compliment, there's no way to adequately put it, at least not without some serious time and work to try Savannah: not from you, there's no such thing Jac: I'm not the one that can write songs, sadly Savannah: but you could write a song I'd like more Jac: 😅 Savannah: I know he's your brother but no Jac: Don't worry, not a weird clause that to date me you have to think his music is amazing Jac: I'd actually hate that, to be honest Savannah: I'm beyond relieved Jac: I'm relieved no one here knows who he is, or who I am in relation Jac: that was getting annoying, towards the end Savannah: poor boo, I can't even imagine Jac: oh well Jac: this fresh start is going better than I could have even dreamed on my craziest day Savannah: me too & you're really keeping me sane Jac: God knows we've got to get through this experience and THRIVE Savannah: ^^ 👏🏾 Savannah: We will, failure to do so is literally not an option Jac: Exactly Jac: I refuse Jac: to let either of us Savannah: speaking of, these notes are done Savannah: so I'll be there soon Jac: I'll come out with the blasphemy too Jac: because I need to see you so bad now Savannah: It's mutual Jac: Hurry Jac: but don't forget your coat, it's cold Savannah: 🥰 I totally would have for the same reason I don't think either of us can be held responsible for what we're about to say, so thank you Jac: I can't let you freeze Jac: even though warming you up is beyond a welcome responsibility Savannah: & I can't lie, my coat is more fashionable than practical, I'll still need you Jac: You've got me Jac: shower, tea and all the bed cuddles you could want Savannah: you're going to make me cry again Jac: sweetie Jac: you can cry but wait 'til you're inside and with me so we don't have to thaw out the icicle teardrops Savannah: [a picture of her with that glitter tears filter than samantha loves so much because sadly I don't actually have one] Jac: Wow Jac: that's my girlfriend Savannah: I can't get over hearing that from you Jac: I can't get over saying it Jac: even just to myself Savannah: It sounds so different when a boy says it Jac: Yeah? Savannah: I don't even know how to explain it, it's like it stripped me of something instead of giving me something Savannah: it felt like, oh, I'm just your girlfriend now, okay Jac: like a kind of diminishment of who you are Jac: not the pride to be with you and know you and love you Jac: I see that Jac: I was never anyone's girlfriend, but that's the feeling I got from them Jac: a title for THEM not YOU Savannah: of course you understand, you always do Jac: not that I was bothered what they thought Jac: but it would have been upsetting if I was, definitely Savannah: I hate that Jac: it's okay, that's all over Savannah: I'm going to make you so happy Jac: I know you will

[jaehyunisyoon-oh]

Ae-jeong [ affection ] chapter 1 : The first encounter

Pairings: NCT Jaehyun X OC/You

Genre: Romance, thriller, romancethriller, best friend to lover, fluff

Haewon POV

The day of the incident, December 1st 2018

SM’s Office

I heaved a sigh of relief at successfully holding the elevator door before it closed, grimacing slightly because today I decided to go to the office with heels as high as 5cm. I exhaled annoyed and took off my heels, -the hell- with all of this I will be barefoot through the cold floor of the SM office in this winter.

   "Your feet are all scratched" I turned around and Jaehyun with his black hoodie was frozen while leaning his body against the wall.

   "Shit, Jaehyun, since when were you here?" I asked.

   "Since a while ago, didn't the doctor say you shouldn't be carrying heavy things for a while?" Jaehyun asked then took the box I had been carrying.

   "This is your v live property for today's live broadcast" I dodged, trying to avoid his sharp gaze.

   "Is there no male staff in the NCT team?" Jaehyun asked coldly. If he has that look, that means I have to be careful, otherwise, he can explode in this elevator.

   "There are tons of them, but you know how hectic it was. The other members just had to take off the accessories while running around, and then this box was left behind and by chance, I was still in the basement. So that's how it is," I explained at length. He remains silent, which make everything more awkward. Then silence broke out between the two of us, and if it's like this I don't know what to do. When I was little, every time Jaehyun sulked I would reluctantly have to share my weekly ice cream portion for him, and we will make it up again. But now, it would be very strange if suddenly ice cream pop up out of nowhere from my pants pocket right? Oh my god, why is going to the 5th floor take so long? Suddenly the elevator stopped on the 3rd floor and the door opened, a bearded man in a full cycling shirt looked at me while grinning like a fool. Yes, my brother. Cousin more precisely

   "My sister?" Said Siwon with a dramatic pretentious face while entering the elevator. Then Siwon with his body still sticky with sweat hugged me.

   "CHOI SIWON ARE YOU CRAZY ?! HOW MUCH HAVE I SAID DON'T HUG ME WHEN YOU ARE ALL SWEATY LIKE THIS?!" I shouted. More precisely, wrath. Fortunately, in this elevator, there are only three of us.

   "Let your brother hug you, it won't kill you ... Soon Oppa has a schedule to Hong Kong so we won't meet again until...maybe at Christmas... Jaehyun? What's up?" Siwon hugs me and just realize that Jaehyun was behind us enjoying our lovely siblinghood moment, which I hate because I don't like it if by chance some workers see it, and start to think that I am the luckiest person on earth by coming from a rich household, being cousins to Siwon and is Jaehyun's best friend. That all happened before I was even born in this world, there is nothing I can do about it.

   "How are you, Hyung? I have a V live schedule on the 6th floor" Jaehyun answered casually.

   "I don't usually see you two together, you said that in the office you want to be professional with each other? Be careful later on becoming the centre of attention" Siwon raised his eyebrows with a happy smile. Look how they are chatting casually while I already want to pass out because I can't breathe in Siwon's arms.

   "Compared to being afraid of being topic of the gossip, it's better to fix your drunk habits, stop rummaging through our family story," I grumbled.

   "Eyy, at that time Oppa made a mistake. Seeing the two of you growing up like this, makes Oppa so emotional "Siwon increasingly tightened his arms and pressed his cheek to mine.

It's annoying to remember that again. Exactly after one year working as Entertainment manager of NCT, I am so glad that everything went peacefully because Jaehyun and I agreed to hide our relationship. But all of that was destroyed because Siwon explained everything very detailed about our 'friendship' at the Halloween Party last year. After midnight, when everyone was half-drunk (except the manager because they had to take the artist home), Siwon went onstage and made a very long speech, talking about how proud he was to see me achieving my dream - yes everyone already knew that you both are cousins since your mother married Choi family's youngest son - and suddenly reveal all the useless things about me and Jaehyun that make all the employees went awed.

"I went back to the basement because my charger was left in the practice room. Then I saw her ran around carrying a box this big" Jaehyun pointed at the large box he was carrying. More precisely like rattling me to Siwon. I gave him a cynical look that was completely ignored by him.

   "Geez, Choi Haewon, you should not have carried this heavy stuff, last month you just had a Lasik surgery, what if the stitches come off? Then you... AWWW Haewon that’s hurt!" Siwon's chatter was interrupted as he grimaced in pain because I just bit his cheeks. It just so happened that the elevator opened on the 5th floor and I left those two annoying humans together.

When I arrived on the 5th floor, many employees were greeting me, a little surprised to see me barefoot while busy staring at the device in my hand. When I entered my cubicle, there were tons of unsign documents on the table. There is a placard with "Haewon Choi / Entertainment Manager of NCT" printed on it. I was just sitting down when Na-ri, the head of the artist planning department came in and brought several boxes with Louis Vuitton written on it.

   "Haewon, we have a problem" Na-ri stood still, shaking her cellphone. I looked at her confused then stood up, looked at the cellphone and read the short message from Louis Vuitton who wanted their items to be returned right now.

   "What? it's like 10 pm and drove to their office will take 2 hours. Oh my god, this is why I don't like it when a high-end brand asks us to do endorsements. After getting what they want, they will suddenly treat us as if we are going to steal it, "I said.

   "How annoying, you should know the bracelet that Taeyong used was immediately out of stock. Taeyong's bracelets were trending all over the internet, yet they treat us like this? it seems like we have to stop doing this just to get a discount for the NCT stage outfit, can't we ask to raise the budget? 10 million won per member doesn't seem to be enough, "said Na-ri.

   "Unfortunately I can't do that, the budget problem is the realm of finance and I don't want to argue with Mr Jang, our budget is at its highest now, we have to cut down a little bit because we have concert upcoming. And don't forget that we are the youngest team in this company, and I don't want to take the risk, that's kinda sensitive in Korean culture" I answered seriously. Mister Jang has been the head of finance at SM for almost 15 years, his hobby is to tell how hard the idol's of that time to have proper accommodation and now we are buying outfit that cost like one freaking car. Suddenly Na-ri's cellphone vibrates, and the owner of these box sends us a message again. I showed the message to Na-ri, with an annoyed face she posed as if to slam the box... which she couldn't possibly do because the price of one item in it could cost her entire salary.

   "Alright, I'll return this right away," Na-ri said while sighing, I patted her back and put the cellphone into her backpack. Na-ri looks very adorable today, I and the other employees almost died out of laughter because Na-ri casually entered the meeting room with a rabbit-shaped backpack, short pink skirt and a white blouse. Fortunately, SM does not have strict regulations on how to dress its employees, in the end, this company is in the field of Entertainment and this type of company is famous for its concession in binding regulations that exist in Korean companies in general.

   "Here, take my car. By the way, NCT's schedule will end in 2 hours, and they will immediately be taken to the dorm by the manager. So you should go straight home. " I give my car key to her.

   "Thank you. Oh, by the way, Seung-ho Oppa (NCT manager) is still sick, can you please find someone to take the members home to the dorm? Today is the last day of NCT Dream's concert, maybe you should start asking anyone besides the managers." Na-ri pleaded and I replied with a happy smile. Finally, my chance came too.

   "Of course I can," I replied with a smile, trying to hide my intentions from her.

   "You ... don't even think about it! Just find someone else who can take the ..." Na-ri's chatter was cut off when I pushed her out and hurriedly closed the door to my room.

Jaehyun POV

10.50 PM

SM's Parking lot

We all just finished Live broadcasting on V app and now we are heading to our van to go back to the dorm. Every end of the year is tiring. No, this year is very tiring because all of us, as in 18 members, is promoting under NCT 2018 project, a Lee Soo Man's project that was finally happened because Haewon- our entertainment manager- felt that this project is going to be a very brilliant marketing step. Well, guess she was not wrong. Almost every day some members do live broadcasts, almost every week we have a schedule to appear on events or TV shows, even last week we just signed an exclusive contract with a sports clothing brand. Everything went according to plan and as artists, we are very proud to make it happens.

I, Doyoung, Haechan and Johnny had just arrived at the parking lot when I saw a woman, a girl to be exact, leaning against our van. She wears jeans with a black coat that almost sank her entire body, barefoot with heels on both of her hands. What was she thinking of not wearing any footwear in this weather? I exhaled annoyed while approaching the girl. The other members, especially Haechan gives dramatic screams and the others have put on a super horror face because our nightmares have finally happened again.

   "Guess who will take you guys home today?" Haewon asked with her sweet smile while leaning in our van.

   "Don't joke, where's Na-ri Noona?" Asked Doyoung while looking around.

   "Na-ri is returning the sponsors' belongings and Seungho Oppa is still sick. Don't ask too many questions and get in quickly. The weather is very cold, you can't catch a cold on this super tight schedule," Haewon explained while with great difficulty trying to open our van's door.

We all decided to trust the girl and sat in the passenger seat with very tense faces. Doyoung, Haechan, Johnny and Taeyong looked very pale while watching her trying to adjust the height of the driver's chair.

   "Haewon, the button is on your door," Johnny said with a sigh.

   "Oh, thank you, Johnny," Haewon replied with a grin.

   "Johnny Hyung, how about you just drive?" Haechan asked Johnny.

   "Lee Haechan! It would be very dangerous if an idol drives alone, you understand right? Just wear your goddamn seat belt and go to sleep there!" Haewon grumbles.

   "Wouldn't it be more dangerous to let Noona drive?" Grunted Haechan and checked once again the seatbelt he was wearing.

   "Never mind, stop making Haewon nervous, I still want to live longer in this world" Said Taeyong who was met with Haewon's ferocious look.

During the trip to the dorm, I could not stop staring at the girl beside me. She looks very adorable when she's serious. Her petite body must try as hard as possible to drive this van, and I should be worried because I am inside it. For several times I saw her moving her legs, and that made me very uncomfortable because I'm not used to seeing Haewon with blisters on his body, if Grandpa Han sees this, he will be very angry.

In a short time, our car has entered the gate of our dormitory, and as usual, there are already Sasaeng huddled waiting for us there. I can tell because most of them wore white shirts with our names printed in it when they saw our car coming, they immediately surrounded us while pointing the camera at us.

   "They all are this many?" Haewon asked, gritting her teeth.

   "It's not as much as usual, considering the weather ... Some must be very smart not to freeze themself to death," Johnny replied.

   "They can't go up, can they? You all close the window's curtains now!" Haewon looked back with her horror face.

   "Ahjumma said that there are some Sasaeng who live in this apartment, they even wait at the dorm's front door every night" Doyoung answered as he lowered his bucket hat.

   "Aish, you guys just moved here, it looks like it won't be possible to move again, especially since SM has just paid in full for this dorm. I don't want to argue with Mr Jang from the financial division," Haewon chats at length.

I could see the girl in a hurry to take her handbag and start looking for something, then after a while, she growled in frustration because the object she was looking for was located somewhere of that bag she had never tidied. I stared at the girl exasperatedly, with my impatience, I wanted to scold her, but with a situation like this, it felt like I could save my scolding for later.

Author POV

NCT 127 Dorm

After almost 30 minutes of drama with the Sasaeng, they finally arrived at their dormitory. Haewon took a deep breath seeing the condition of the 10th floor's dormitory residents, feeling grateful that Na-ri and herself managed to win the budget to hire maid services for all NCT dorms. On this floor, there are Mark, Taeil, Yuta, and Jaehyun while the other members are on the 5th floor. In the living room, Yuta is tidying up things in his suitcase. When he saw Haewon coming, Yuta immediately closed his suitcase, after all, they seem to realize that no matter how close they are with Haewonm she is a woman after all and it would be very embarrassing if he let Haewon see something that should not be shown to others especially to a woman. Haewon smiled and immediately walked towards the kitchen, checking the performance of the maid service recommended by Na-ri herself.

   "here, it must be very tiring going here with all those Sasaengs.." Mark emerged from the kitchen, offered a glass of water to Haewon with half-sleepy eyes.

   "It's okay, Mark. Make sure to sleep early, tomorrow morning there will be shooting for your concert's VCR" Haewon smiled at Mark and took the drink.

   "I heard, better to prep my skin using some mask, right?" asked Mark while holding his cheek, Haewon laughed at Mark's behaviour. When they first met 1 year ago, Mark looked like a child and now he is taller than her.

   "You already look good Mark" Haewon replied while patting his back. Mark looked a little shy and went straight to his room. Mark always admires her, and it is common knowledge that he has a little crush on Haewon. Jaehyun was very, very uncomfortable if Mark had shown it very clearly when they were together.

   "Haewon, have you eaten? I want to heat Ahjumma's cooking, do you want some too?” Taeil also appeared from the kitchen while carrying piles of Tupperware from the fridge.

   "No Oppa, I have to go home now" Haewon smiled and slowly left the kitchen area and walked to the front door. Haewon intends to go straight home when suddenly Jaehyun pulled her hand and opened the door to his room.

   "Why?" Asked Haewon confused. Jaehyun said nothing and pushed Haewon until she sat on the edge of his bed. Haewon's eyes widened when Jaehyun suddenly squatted and she flinched to the cold sensation on her ankles.

   "Don't wear anything that you don't even know how to use. For example, heels?" Jaehyun smiled mockingly in the direction of Haewon while rubbing the medicine on her blistered ankle.

It's been a long time since she has a conversation with Jaehyun, and it feels very nice to see his best friend's room again. Jaehyun's room is very minimalist, the arrangement is simpler than his bedroom in the Jung's family house. Haewon looked at Jaehyun and felt a little guilty because he often ignored Jaehyun's invitation to hang out together. Haewon was at the end of her semester when Jaehyun was announced as a member of SMRookies after that every time Haewon visited Korea, they only met at the Christmas party held by their family. And now, even though they are working at the same company, plus the fact that Haewon leading NCT projects herself doesn't mean they can freely show everyone that their relationship is this close. First, Haewon is always busy in her office on the 5th floor, while Jaehyun always practices on the basement floor and NCT's schedule is always tight. Besides, Haewon often goes abroad to attend contract signing meetings with parties who want to work with NCT.

    "Sorry, I should pay more attention to Sasaeng. I didn't think they would be this brutal. It seems like I have to make an emergency meeting immediately" Haewon bowed her head looking all sad. She is gazing at Jaehyun's hand who painstakingly applied ointment all over her ankles. Jaehyun stared back at Haewon and shook his head.

   "Take your time, you know that Sasaeng is a difficult matter. Even SM is seen giving up on it ”Then Jaehyun took something from under his bed, thrusting sneakers on Haewon's lap.

   "Wow, apparently my shoes are here?" Haewon smiled and wore those shoes. Smiling slightly as she closed her eyes, feeling how comfortable it was to wear shoes compared to the heels.

   "You have to stop leaving all your belongings in my house, Eomma is very worried, she thinks that you are senile at this age" Jaehyun laughed a little at Haewon's reddened face. And he thought that was very adorable, well that girl would always look adorable to Jaehyun.

   "Isn't that our picture?" Haewon stood up and walked toward the wardrobe where Jaehyun kept all his things. Amongst all the stuff, the only thing that stunned her is a photo of Jaehyun and Haewon's family while on vacation in Disneyland.

    "It was our first vacation together" Jaehyun lay down on the bed. Still looking at Haewon who smiled looking at the photo.

    "Yeah and you were crying because apparently, Mickey Mouse is so big to you, oh my god you're so cute at that time" Haewon hugged the photo and looked at Jaehyun with a big smile on her face. Suddenly the memory becomes fresh again, the memory of their first encounter that leads him to the most beautiful fate of his life.

December 25, 2003

Jung’s family house

Little Jaehyun rolled his eyes in annoyance, this was the umpteenth time he was forced to be the role of a husband in the house played by his cousins. Jaehyun is an only child and all his cousins ​​are girls, he's already fed up with all this, suddenly throws all the cutlery in front of him and runs into the backyard. The little boy was still sulking while playing with snow piled up in the yard when he could feel someone approaching him, his father with a glass of hot chocolate sitting beside him.

   "Are you okay?" the man asked and Jaehyun shook his head. The man smiled, understanding that his child must feel very lonely being the only boy in this household.

   "I didn't ask you guys to give me a little sister, but at least give me a friend to play basketball," Jaehyun said while staring at the long-frozen basketball hoop. Jaehyun's father smiled and wiped the chocolate that was on the corner of his son's mouth.

   "Let's pray that Uncle David's next child will be a boy," said Jaehyun's father. And Jaehyun exhaled, more pessimistic that there would be more male offspring in this family besides him.

   "If Uncle David's next child is a girl then I will make him a boy," his son's innocent words made the man burst into laughter. The conversation between the father and son stopped when the gate was wide open, and several people got out of a black car. A man in a suit walked towards the two of them with a big smile, behind him, there was a woman who was holding the hand of a girl who kept her head down.

Jaehyun's father stood up to the man and hugged him tightly. Jaehyun frowned in confusion. This is the first time their family has a guest at a Christmas party. He saw his father returning with a little girl on his hands. The girl was wearing a white dress, long hair flowing and looking all embarrassed. Jaehyun felt awkward when the two people were in front of him.

   "Jaehyun, this is Letisha Alana Choi or Haewon, let's say hello," his father said. Jaehyun stood up and extended his hand trying to shake hand with her. A little upset because the girl is not yet returned his good intentions. Suddenly the woman who is the mother of the girl whispered something in her ear, the girl immediately looked up at Jaehyun with her bright brown eyes sparkling.

   "You like basketball?" asked the girl that he replied with a small nod. Then the girl smiled very brightly and take his hand. At that time for the first time in 6 years of his life, he saw a very beautiful smile.

And until this moment Jaehyun was still stunned to see the smile that Haewon always carved. He realizes that this is not right, because his family considers Haewon their daughter. But he could not stop this feeling no matter how hard he tried to.

"Why?" Haewon lifts her eyebrows looking at Jaehyun who kept staring at him.

"No, it's just...you are very beautiful today" Jaehyun smiled and Haewon with all her strength had to hold back not to blush. If not, Jaehyun will tease her until a time limit that she can not specify. But Jaehyun's praise gave a warm feeling to her, a sign of gratefulness that having Jaehyun in this world is the best thing that ever happened in her life.

Haewon POV

11.50 PM

Location Unknown

"Yes, I just come out from the dorm," I said to Na-ri who has been calling me for a while now.

"You've made sure Haechan and Johnny don't play games, right? If they are late tomorrow I will be furious because shooting starts early in the morning" Na-ri said from the phone.

"Yes, oh my god we are not their babysitter, let the boys lived, Na-ri!" I replied quickly. Before going down I took myself to the dorm on the 5th floor. Talking briefly with the manager about tomorrow's schedule, scolding Haechan for drinking coca-cola on this cold day, and almost having a heart attack because Johnny casually came out of the bathroom wearing only a towel.

"Alright, I'll pick you up tomorrow morning. Thank you for the car, by the way. " I ended up lending my car to her because it will be uncomfortable to take a bus to Louis Vuitton's office, it's already very late and it could be a danger for her. I thought that she already ends the call but then she asked again, "with what are you going to go home now? Jaehyun?" Gosh, if he takes me home now, I can guarantee that by tomorrow our face will be all over the news.

"are you crazy? do you know how much Sasaeng are outside? I'm taking the bus" I said with a snort of annoyance. I just argued with Jaehyun because he insisted on taking me home. I have my reasons, I don't want a piece of cheap news about our relationship popped up while NCT is at its peak year.

"Do you know how to ride a bus?" I gaped in disbelief at the question.

"Really? Do you think I'm stupid?" I replied rhetorically.

"Well who knows, you're rich from birth ... eh no, before you were born you already inherited all of your family's wealth. Naturally, you never take a bus, right?" I shook my head at her babble. Of course, I know how to take the bus, back in school at SOPA Jaehyun and I always took the bus. That is the kind of topic I always try to avoid, when I arrived at the bus stop, I end the call with Na-ri and waiting for the bus to come.

There is not a single person around here considering that it's almost midnight and this place is kinda desolated because lots of idols live around here. Should I just take a taxi to go home? I waited, and wait for the bus or taxi to come but there are none of them passing by. Suddenly realize that on weekdays, bus stop working at 11 PM which was 50 minutes ago was the last bus of today. I tried to remain calm, as the coldness hit me and I tighten my coat.

At this time, all I can think of is to use my last card, the only person that is still awake and will pick me up immediately. I sigh a relieved sign and start calling the number.

"Uncle Jung? It's me Haewon... I'm sorry but can you pick me.." my words stopped as I feel something stab my shoulder, something very sharp, I can feel the hot breath flowing through my neck as the person come closer to my ear."There should not be a girl in NCT's staffing" the person said. The sharp edges leave my body and that person run immediately, I was about to chase after that person when I found myself all weak on the floor with blood flowing from my shoulder...

to be continued

[vickypoochoices]

ABC Fluffs.

Thank you to @krsnlove for requesting this. It’s been sat untouched in my drafts for a while, so I thought I’d finally get around to satisfying your needs!

I’ll make this ZigxLyla because she’s my most recent MC so I guess she’s still fresh in everyone’s mind. I'm gonna refer to events in Partner In Crime quite a lot so if you haven't read it and are confused, give it a read [HERE].

The L ove confession answer is a little segment taken from an NSFW chapter of PIC. I promise it's tame, I wanted to keep this clean, but consider this your warning. (I don't think it even counts but i just want to make sure no one gets upset at a slightly suggestive piece!) Apart from that, I think it's all cute and fluffy!

Also, I started writing this from Zig's perspective and it just kind of stuck.

Tagging: @zigortega4life @emerald-bijou @littlegreenmoo (I fear the fluff may kill you off, but it feels wrong not tagging you!) @krsnlove @itsalliepg @choicesthot @hustacks

If you want to be tagged/untagged in any of my future stuff, let me know.

[MASTERLIST.]

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them? We literally spend every spare second of the day together! I guess things aren't too different to how they were before. As best friends (and roomies) we always used to be around each other the majority of the time anyway, and as we share the same friend group, hanging out with them has always been something we've done together. We're still the same excitable big kids that chase each other around the apartment half naked. But I have somehow managed to persuade Lyla to join me at this new dance class once a week. She's got two left feet and hates every second of it, but my girl drives a hard bargain. I'm stuck with all the jobs she hates doing taking the garbage out and she's demanding a full body massage as well. I know she loves to moan about it, but I'm sure deep down she's happy to be doing it with me. Maybe.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them? Everything! Every single inch of her is perfect. From her fluffy bedhead hair first thing in the morning to the tiny little scar on her ankle left from when she had chicken pox as a kid. I think what has always drawn me to Lyla though is her sense of humour. We have this banter together that I've never really experienced with anyone else and it's kind of a huge turn on for me.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.? I'm not exactly an extravagant person, and it's not like I have the money to do anything over the top. For me, it's all about the little things. I know Lyla well enough by now to determine what's going to cut it, and whatever it is, I'll do it. I'll run a hot bubble bath or make a last minute dash to the shop for chocolate/ice cream/wine. And making her favourite meal is always going to be a winner. But sometimes patience and understanding is all you need. If that means holding my girl for an hour whilst she smears make up all over my top and let's it all out, then that's what I'll do.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o? In a slightly bigger apartment for starters! Don't get me wrong, we both love our little space, but I guess we both know one day in the future it's not going to be the most practical. Obviously both our mothers have already brought up the subject of grandchildren daily. I'm sure that will all come one day, but for now our dreams have only stretched to getting a pet together. Apparently Lyla is a hundred percent a cat person, but I'm hoping I can work some magic and persuade her that dogs are awesome too. I think that basically sums us up. We haven't planned out what we want to do with our lives or what career paths to take, but our biggest goal is to have a dog pet together!

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive? I wouldn't say either of us are like overbearingly dominant or anything, but if I had to give you a name, i'd say Lyla just about has the edge over me. I'm not saying she walks all over me or that she wears the trousers or anything like that. But sometimes I'll just go along with something for an easy life.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting? If you ignore the little disagreement about what pet we should get and all the shit that went down with Dean, we really don't ever fight. Don't get me wrong, Lyla is stubborn as hell! But I learnt a few things growing up with a house full of sisters, so I'm more likely to let things slide. The only thing I struggle with is when the green eyed monster comes out in Lyla.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them? I know this is so cliche and people always say how lucky they are to call their other half their best friend, but I genuinely can say that. Everything is just so easy with us and Lyla knows me like the back of her hand. There's this other side to her that no one else ever gets to see and I love that it's reserved for me. Just doing simple things like walking around holding hands, showing my girl off to the world, I feel like the luckiest guy in the world that she feels the same way about me. Author's Note: We all know Lyla has every reason to be grateful for the absolute sweetheart that she's bagged herself, despite fucking him in a closet and then running away to her controlling fiance, then telling him to stay away. You sure you're grateful Zig?

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything? I'm making a point now of not keeping anything from Lyla after that spectacularly backfired on me with the whole Cherry thing! Safe to say I've learnt my lesson! I want to protect her with every fiber or my being, but I know a relationship is nothing without honesty and trust.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems? I guess you'd have to ask Lyla about this one for her. I know things were a little crazy with Dick Dean, and I'd like to think I helped her as best I could through all of that during the aftermath. For me though, going through it all pushed me to realise just how much I need Lyla. I depend on her more than I ever thought possible. I was this empty shell of a man that didn't want to get out of bed when she left. I know, I know. It sounds a bit over the top, but it really is true what they say; You don't know what you have until it's gone. And I plan on holding on tight to my girl from now on, and never letting go.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it? I'm not gonna lie, it sucks when I catch a guy checking Lyla out. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna be a dick about it. Knowing I'm the one that gets to take her home to our apartment to sleep in our bed makes things a little easier too. I think she's completely oblivious to any male attention anyway. And as for Lyla, she does have a touch of the green eyed monster from time to time. It's difficult sometimes, especially knowing how strongly I feel for her, and I hope I do a good job of showing her that on a daily basis. But I know that's the kind of thing we have to talk about, instead of letting it blow out of proportion like last time.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like? A reminder of how their first kiss went;

And then their lips collided in a frenzy, neither of them sure who made the first move, past the point of caring. Zig’s nose squished against hers repeatedly as their lips smacked together messily, Lyla’s kisses quickly intensifying, her tongue insistently pleading with his, desperate for permission to continue.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o? Again, a reminder of how that went down;

“I can’t do this when you’ve been drinking. I can’t take advantage.”

“Take advantage? It makes no difference if i’ve had a drink or not. I’ll still love you when I wake up in the morning.”

Zig shook his head sadly, hating the stab of hope he felt inside at the words she’d just said. “And I’ll still love you. Partner in crime, right?”

Lyla pulled back, tearing herself away from his neck. She looked him straight in the eye, hers wide and serious as she spoke. “You’re not listening to me. I’m in love with you Zig. And I’ll be in love with you even when the bubbles are gone and the hangover wears off. I...”

He crushes his lips against hers, walking her backwards and pinning her against the wall, his hands tangling in her hair which had come loose at some point. He pressed his body firmly against her, letting Lyla feel the full affect she had on him. Her hand drifted downwards, fingers stroking his full length through his suit trousers. Zig groaned, before slamming his lips against hers once more, leaving her breathless.

“Tell me again.” He hissed, pressing sloppy kisses down her jawline.

"I’m in love with you Zig.”

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like? It's not something we've talked about but there's no doubt in my mind, Lyla is the love of my life and there's nothing I want more than for her to become Mrs Ortega. One day though. There's no rush right now, despite what our Mum's might want from us. I want to do it right. After all that shit with that sham of a wedding to Dean, Lyla deserves to have the perfect day. I'm not saying i've thought much about how exactly I'd propose, but I do know it would be in the apartment. Regardless of if we still live there or not, that's where it's happening. Candles can make anything look beautiful right? As for the wedding, it can be whatever Lyla wants. We could get married in a castle, church, hotel, barn, even the middle of a mall if thats what makes her happy. As long as our friends and family are there and it's Lyla saying 'I Do', that's all I need.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o? Damn Aaron and his catchy nicknames! Lyla has taken to calling me Ziggypop since I let slip how much I kinda actually hate it. And she's a fan of rolling out my full name from time to time. As for me, I guess I'm kind of boring. I stick to babe/baby. And let's not forget beautiful, because I love how that still makes her smile every time I say it.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings? Well judging by how I reacted after our brief time apart, I'm a miserable prick without Lyla, so I'd say it was pretty obvious for others just how much I love her. I don't really know how to answer that one about what I'm like when I'm in love because it feels like I fell hard for Lyla the minute I laid eyes on her. I've spent years clutching on to those feelings, and hoping people didn't cotton on. We're both guilty of expressing those pent up feelings freely, now that we can.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching? We're definitely that couple that everyone hates. I love Lyla, and I don't care if we're in a room alone or surrounded by people. If I want to kiss my girl then nothing and no one will stop me. And it's not like Lyla holds back either!

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship. I think I'm quite good at reading people, females in particular. Definitely a benefit from growing up in a house full of girls! Nothing really scares me or surprises me now with the opposite sex.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative? What wouldn't I do to make Lyla happy? I've sat through every soppy chick flick known to man with Lyla and I know I'd do the lot. Kissing in the rain, the iconic lift in the water, some sexy pottery making...Seriously though, I know I might joke about it, but all I really want is to see my girl smile, and to be the one making her smile. Whatever she wants, it's done. I might not be full of amazing romantic gestures, but I'll still try my hardest all the same.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them? Lyla will rule the world one day I'm sure of it. I mean, if that's what she wants to do. She's been stressing out recently because she doesn't have her whole life figured out yet, but I'm doing my best to convince her she doesn't have to. She's amazingly smart, and she can pick things up quickly. Whatever she eventually decides on, I'll be there to support her the whole way. Lyla has this awful saying that apparently all of the cool kids say 'Live your best life' that she constantly says to wind me up. And annoyingly it seems to do the trick. I'm planning a few more dance classes just for starters, so she might end up regretting those words of encouragement.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine? Spice up our relationship? That makes me cringe, I hope we never get to that point! Lyla is all about routine in everything. I've watched her do the same things day in, day out for the last three years. And now we're together I'm here to shake things up a little bit. I said shake, not spice! I'm not really making her try out new things forget about those dance classes. I just think life could still be fun if instead of getting up an hour early for work to eat breakfast and slap make up on, she spent that time in bed with me instead. She's too beautiful to hide behind make up, and obviously I wouldn't say no to an extra hour in bed with my girl.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic? Pretty good. I know that Lyla's favourite coffee is a salted caramel machiato with a heart drizzle on top but she doesn't even know that herself. I know she bought a load of cakes in the first time she met my Mum because she wanted to make a good impression, and ended up telling her she'd baked them all herself. The lie still lives on, and Lyla has to fill the sink with dishes everytime Mum visits! And I know that she got her stubborn streak from her father, which explains a lot!

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life? There is no comparison. Aside from my family, Lyla is the single most important thing to me. That question is like asking a fish how important water is to them, that's what she is for me. I don't just love her, I need her.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

"Babe, have you seen my jacket?"

Zig stopped in his tracks, his mouth falling open and his eyes widening in disbelief as he drank in the sight of Lyla.

The shiny black leather was a stark contrast against her pale skin, a touch of pink barely visible as it crept along the exposed flesh of her neck, her long hair twisted to one side.

She stood with her back to him, head cocked to the side as she peered at him from over one shoulder. Her teeth sank in to her full bottom lip in an attempt to suppress a giggle.

Zig swallowed hard as his eyes slowly lowered. Past her small shoulders, the excess material bunching up and hanging off of her. His tongue slowly traced around his lips as his gaze lowered further still, finding her hands bunching up a fistful of leather, the curve of her bare ass now visible. Her hips swayed seductively from side to side, her voice vibrating in her throat as she let out a low purr "This one?"

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle? I think the problem with us has always been that we're too affectionate. Not that I'm complaining! When I hold Lyla it's like I've got the whole entire world just sat there in my arms and I never want to let go. The fact that I can hold her all night long and kiss her sweet lips until we need to come up for air is just an added bonus! So glad we're out of the friend zone!

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of? Something like spending close to every waking minute of the day for weeks on end trying to find a way out of an unwanted marriage for her? Or is that too specific? I would do anything and everything for Lyla. Nothing is too much for the woman I love.

[sardorothyma]

this is the nonsense of my mind that i need to get out before i lose the courage to speak it.. the punctuation is incorrect, the word structure doesn't make sense, my spelling (i’m sure) is off..but i found myself typing in the same way i was thinking. so this is it. this is me....

so i realized that i have been going through my days rather shut down. mentally, i feel empty. it really just feels like there is someone moving me around like i'm the puppet and i just move and act like I'm supposed to, like how i’m expected to.. but also not how i’m expected at the same time? i do this because i have no control over the strings that hold me. i know i’m rambling but try to keep up... 

so daily, i talk to my mom, she wonders how I'm feeling, what i’m thinking.. i have no answer for her. I listen to my dad talk... this i feel, is a way to fill up the time where i should be talking about how i am actually doing but instead he is the one talking.. he might not realize what he is doing but i am still forever grateful for it.. grateful that i don’t have to think or talk... i can just listen because i have always adored listening. 

i spent today cleaning and the strangest thing happened.. one second i am singing to myself, the next second i'm laughing, then right after i find myself crying... why am i crying? i think.. this makes me laugh harder then i realize... i am so strong and yet so broken at the same time. how can this be? 

well this is what i have come to realize in those moments....

daily, you say you miss me, you ask what you can do, what i want, what i am thinking, how i am feeling, and yet you haven’t actually done anything to try to figure that out. so i sit here and wait. i wait for you to leave, i wait for the seconds i can sit by myself, the minutes i can spend listening to music, the hours i can enjoy reading, the time that i can be completely and utterly alone. i count down for the moment i can lay in bed because even though i may only have the night time to myself, i wait for those moments and cherish every second of it. i cherish the time that i can lay in bed, look out the window, view the stars, and be able to dream while i am awake.

but in that lays the problem... all have ever done is wait. i have waited for things to get better and yet here i am. so i am done.

lately i have been doing a lot of thinking, ironically enough, considering i just said my mind feels empty. empty yet full.. constantly which now thinking about it, explains the constant headaches... anyway.. continuing on.. 

i look back and i replay the events that have gotten me to this point. there was always people (”friends” i called at the time, though now i see them as your friends that were stuck dealing with me because i have this habit of pushing people away so i always end up alone.. however i have never really felt a lone when i was alone. i felt more alone when people were around)...i have these people harassing me, embarrassing me, making me the center of these jokes, never caring how i felt.... and here i was, putting up with it because of you though it was never your fault, it was mine. i let it happen and i put up with it, i played stupid, i pretended to be oblivious when you were at girls houses all hours of the night, doing things then lying to me right after when all i wanted was your honesty, all wanted was for you to be there and stick up for me and you never did. you were never there. i pretended i was fine when i wasn’t and you knew i wasn’t and yet you did nothing. you sat back and watched me hurt myself and did nothing. you said you were there for me and you loved me and then i thought that was enough but it was just a cheap way of acting like you cared. who knows.. maybe you did but just didn’t know how to show it.

i wanted to split up for a little and it was so easy for you to move on but then come crying back saying you weren’t okay, that you loved me, that you needed me... but where was that love when your tongue was down her throat? eventually i took you back and it was fine. i convinced myself i needed you more then you needed me but maybe you loved me more then i loved you and people always said thats how things should be so you don’t get hurt... i don’t know... but there i was, trying to figure it out.

so i find out i am pregnant with a little one who will end up being the most beautiful little girl to me and i am so unbelievably happy but then there are these moments that occur that it makes me feel like this miracle is almost not as special as it really is. i work constantly with two jobs because you lost yours yet you won’t rub my swollen feet or aching back. we don’t celebrate mothers day because in your eyes I'm not a mother yet. my stomach is huge, we feel her kick and yet, im not a mother because she isn’t born yet.. so mothers day passes with nothing but a smart ass and sarcastic “happy mothers day” from you... fathers day come along and i, in return, don’t want to celebrate, your family, knowing how mothers day went, decides it not fair i won’t celebrate fathers day so they do it with you...so you have that day...

time pasts and i have this beautiful little girl who is my absolute heart and soul. i work constantly, continue on with school full time, and yet i am still viewed as not good enough. i want time alone with her, and when you worked and we were home i cherished the time i had alone with her to play with her, read to her, and sing to her... and yet because i wouldn’t be near others and put on a show, they assumed i was a good for nothing parent who slept while a newborn sat and stared at nothing all day. in what way does that sound like me? you knew these things were being said, how i was being treated and yet you did nothing. 

more time passes, we get into this house which i, key word being i, spent almost everyday in there with our six month old, cleaning, painting, sanding, cleaning, ripping rug up alone so we can hurry and be in it... no one helped and yet everyone comes through and criticize if things aren’t up their standards... again, i am left alone to defend our home. 

months pass and we try for another miracle and we were blessed to have one. we announce I'm pregnant again and suddenly none of them are happy... maybe they are but just not happy it is from me. so months pass, i get rounder, and things are said, “how is she?” (not me.. my child who everyone wanted to be a girl so i wouldn’t have the boy of the family.. so here these people are.. calling my son a girl because they couldn’t just be happy for us without some sort of negative comment to throw in). imagine how hard it was for me to listen to you all call my son a little girl because you just assumed it was impossible for me to have the boy that none of you wanted me to have. i couldn’t really say anything because i wanted to surprise everyone with a gender party so i make little comments “don’t call my child a girl when you don’t know the gender” “don’t tell my daughter she is having a sister when she might be having a brother”.. literally, up until the last moment you told me i was having a girl until i told you, no, I'm actually not.... all those comments, all the months of people disregarding my feelings and you said nothing. you did nothing.

time goes by and i am not happy. i feel alone. i try telling you and nothing happens. months go by and i tell you again and nothing happens.

so now here i am, you aren’t sleeping at home and all i want is to be alone. people accuse me of having affairs, being heartless, not wanting to try, not wanting to fix things... but thats just it.. i am the only one who has been trying. against the things they say, do you stand up for me? no. you are hurting now? i am hurting always. you miss me now? i missed you when we would lay in bed together and you didn’t hold me, when we didn’t talk, or laugh, or kiss. we stopped saying i love you to each other and yet thats all you want to tell me now.

there is so much more words i can type but none of it would help. me making you a list won’t help. even as you sit there and beg me to help you, you still won’t help me. you never helped me. 

people say a relationship is really all about the little things but even the little things were mostly for you to make you happy. for so long i started to disregard my own feeling that eventually you did to. but i cannot live like that anymore.

that is it. it does not explains it all but most.... it’s not your fault, really, because i let myself get that way. even as i tried to fix myself i was never able to put the pieces back together because i was always to busy being the strong one for you and for the family i was trying to make with you. 

so i stood there crying today and that was the moment that i realized i am completely broken but i am strong enough to leave. strong enough to take care of myself for once and for that i should thank you.. thank you because i am this way because of you.. i am broken.. but i am strong enough to work on placing the pieces back together.

i am just now realizing that i am strong enough now because i have always had to be...

[heirs-of-prythian]

Ari's first flying lesson part 7

Halli Hallöchen everyone! I finally finished it! Here is part 7, the last part of affl! It's over 2k long! Much longer than I wanted! The whole fic is now over 11k long! Wow that's probably the longest I have ever written!

But I wouldn't want you to wait any longer so here's part 7!

_____________

One

Arianna feels the rush of the winds tugging on her clothes and hair.

Two

She brings her arm as close as possible to her body to fall even faster.

Three

She grins wide. Though her eyes aren't closed as her brother suggested.

Four

Mother, she is having so much fun right now! This is breathtaking. Exhilarating! Amazing! Marvelous!

Five

The lesson is even better than she hoped it to be. So so so much better. She wants it to never end.

Six

She sees the big blue rushing river, that was hidden from her view earlier, and the ground coming closer and closer to her.

Seven

And despite that Ari doesn't have a single shred of fear in her.

Why would she? Her beloved brilliant brother is here and he would never not catch her. Ever.

Eight

Now Ari focuses on the gliding part instead of the beautiful view, the exhilarating feeling and the unending fun she is having.

Nine

Putting everything else into the back of her mind, Ari prepares herself. Focused and determined to get it right.

Ten

Ari opens and spreads her wings as far out as possible. She starts to glide a little, then loses her balance a little, but then catching it again before she could fall.

Ari doesn't let out a cry of triumph or a scream of victory. The gliding princess is way too concentrated on her wings and on trying to figure out how to land. But she doesn't need to worry about that, because after a minute of gliding, she is suddenly enveloped in familiar mist, wind and darkness.

After it all faded away, Ari is back on the top of the cliff, in Artemas arms to be more specific. Art smiles proudly at her.

Ari is so out of breath, that she can only smile back at him. Even if she wants to start bubbling about what just happened, but her heart beats too fast like it wants to break out of her ribcage and jump down again and again and again, her inhales and exhales are so fast and uncoordinated that she's hiccuping. Tears from the wind are glittering in the corner of her eyes. Her hair is a mess, her braid is almost undone. She is gripping her brother's shirt to get herself grounded again, to calm herself down.

She needs to calm down, because otherwise she will jump down herself again. Right this second. She wants it happened again so so badly.

Ari buries her face into her favourite calming source, her older brother Artemas.

Because he calms her down, everytime and without fail.

Art laughs silently to himself, when he sees her relaxing her wings completely and letting them hang on her back weakly. Undoing her braid, Art brushes his fingers through his little sister's hair, while removing all the trinkets with magic.

When he feels and hears her heartbeat settle down and her breathing normalize, Art hoists her up in his arms, so that she now facing him on eye-level.

"You seem to like that, little night." Art observes and wipes her tears f that escaped her eyes. That's a clear understatement, she loves it way too much. "So much even that it made you completely speechless! That doesn't happen often!"

"Again! Ag-..." Ari starts to demand, but Art interrupts her immediately.

"No, for today, that's more than enough, Arianna!" Art looks at her sternly and tightens his hold on her, less she decides to jump out of his arms and jump down herself. Not that he was afraid that something would happen to her even if she did that.

No, he has other reasons for not throwing her down again. One of them being, that he thinks that doing it again wouldn't be good for her wings. Once was fine, but twice for untrained wings not so much.

"Please! Art! Pretty please!" Ari begs with puppy-eyes, but they aren't working on Art.

They never were. Art is immune to puppy-eyes.

"I said no, Arianna," He says sternly, but his face is apologetic. Smoothing her hair away from her face, Art looks conspiratorially at her, bringing their foreheads together.

"You need to promise me something, little night," he whispers, taking her right hand into his, running his thumb over the back of her hand. "Something big."

"Yes! Yes, of course! What is it? Tell me! Little moon, do tell!" Ari nods wildly, eyes wide.

"I want you to keep something a secret, my smart little sister." The Heir of Night whispers mischievously, blue-grey eyes sparkling. "I am sure you can figure it out what I don't want Mom and Dad to know about by yourself, right little night? It's pretty obvious!"

Ari blinks and frowns. But she doesn't think long before she gasps in realisation. Gaping at her brother, who now grins wide at her, Arianna knows exactly what her brother doesn't want their parents to know, and she actually agrees with him, since she doesn't want that either. Otherwise she will never get to do it again, and Art will not be allowed to teach her anymore after this lesson.

"I will not tell them that you threw me off a cliff!" Ari nearly screams in panic. "Otherwise our lesson will stop an-..."

Suddenly there isn't even the tiniest sounds leaving Ari's lips. Which makes here during the last part of her sentence look like a gluping fish, because Ari was so in desperate panic that she didn't realize her brother is silencing her.

"Sssshhhhhh, Ari, it's a secret! So keep your voice quiet." Art shushes her and chuckles at her resolute face, she gives him after she noticed what happened. Feeling her whole attention on him, Art continues.

"Since we're in an agreement here, that Mom and Dad and everybody, who would tell them, shouldn't know about the "cliff-incident", we're not going to tell them a word about it!" Ari nods frantically at him, jumping in his arms.

Hell, she's so cute! He loves her so much!

"Perfect!" Art grins and brings her hand up with his. Palm against palm. "Now repeat after me. I, Princess Arianna of Night, ..."

"I, Princess Arianna of Night, ..." Ari repeats seriously, but she can't keep enthusiasm from her eyes. She is over the moon to share another secret with her big brother, a bigger one than the ones she already has with him.

"... promise Prince and Heir Artemas of Night..." The mentioned heir continues, his face mirroring his little sister. The little Princess repeats it.

"... that I will not tell..." Again a repeat from the little girl in his arms.

"... our parents, High Lord Rhysand and High Lady Feyre of the Night Court,..." Glaring at her brother for the long part, Ari repeats it without stuttering.

"... and anyone who would tell them,..." Ari continues her copying, but stopped glaring.

"... about the Cliff..." Ari starts to get impatient and kicks her legs out, but repeats it nonetheless.

This is getting way to long for her liking!

"... and me being thrown off of it..." Again the same, but Ari could see the end at the horizon. Art just smiles at her impatience and continues.

"... and the most probable repetition of it..." Ari's eyes light up at that, though she does have problems with the word "repetition".

Art is going to do it again! YES!! HELL YEAH!! Thank the mother!

"... in other future lessons..." Art laughs at the obvious excitement Ari is displaying while she tries to say the words as seriously as possible, but is clearly failing.

"... until the foreseeable future."

After the last word leaves Ari's lips, their palms start glow. A streak of light slitters along Ari's arm like a tiny snake and settles on her upper arm. Curling around it like a bracelet. The light snake glows bright until it stops abruptly and vanishes completely.

Little night had looked at it with wonder. She is always so fascinated with her big brother's magic. Little moon smiles satisfiedly and proudly at his younger sister.

"So now that that's out of the way, how about we pick up where we left of with the lesson?"

"You want to do it again?" Ari snaps out of her wonder and asks in disbelief, but with a little bit of hope.

"Pfff, hell No, Ari!" Art laughs out loud. "This one time is already more than enough! I mean 'Baby gliding', silly."

"What's that?"

"The same as before just from smaller heights, like from a tree branch or a tiny boulder or something similar." Art explains patiently. Ari huffs and pouts, not really happy about something so boring.

She had been jumping down from higher, even without having wings. This isn't going to be fun.

"Of course for you, we'll go higher, but nothing higher than our house, okay?" Art placates before Ari could complain.

Sighing, Ari agrees. That's as good as she'll get today.

And so they continue the lesson.

*****

The High Lord and High Lady of the Night Court had their first real quiet day without their daughter in quite some time. And they enjoyed it immensely. Don't get them wrong, they love and adore their daughter dearly and don't want her to change, but Arianna is a rather exhausting child to look after.

And they did miss her, quite a lot actually. But they weren't worried about her. Though they can't wait to see her again and hear what she learnt today and how she feels about flying now. They also want to know what their son had taught his sister.

They have no doubt that their only son is an excellent teacher, but they want to know if their daughter thinks the same about him.

So after a quiet and rather uneventful day strolling through Velaris, talking to friends they meet while strolling, meeting Azriel, Leda and Echo for Lunch. Echo was quite upset that Ari or Art wasn't with them, but happy for Ari learning how to fly, then excited for her own lessons starting on her birthday in two weeks, then thrilled that she and Ari could fly someday together. Other than that, the lunch was quite uneventful.

For tea they meet Mor, which resulted in a shopping tour, since she heard something about new shoes for younglings and she got Rhys and Feyre to check it out with her. They actually brought some for Ari, Echo and Aura.

Now the powerful mates sit in their living room, enjoying each others company reading, while they wait for their beloved children to come home. And they don't wait that long for them. Because the front door is opened with a loud bang, that's vibrates through the whole manor.

"We're back!" Comes it excited and breathless from their daughter and then they hear fast footsteps approaching.

Smiling at each other, Rhys and Feyre rise to their feet and make their way to the hallway to meet Arianna halfway.

"Daddy! Mommy!" Ari screams and throws herself into her father's arms, who anticipated that and catches her.

Their daughter seems to had a lot of fun with her brother. She practically glows from excitement, much less shakes from it. Before they could ask her anything, Ari has already started rumbling and bubbling.

"FirstweflewthereandArtletmedohangingthanhesaidsomethingaboutfirstexerciseandthenIdidhangingwithoutstretchedwingsanditwasgreatAndthenafterawhilehesaiditwasenoughandthenwhenwegotthereheletmedecidewhowegotdownandIwantedfreefallingandhediditan-..."

"Breath, Ari!" Rhys and Feyre look up from their rumbling, talking-without-pausing-or-breathing daughter to see their son Artemas leaning on the doorframe of the front door. His wings already shifted away. He looks fairly put together, well as put together as Art can look like, despite having been looking after and teaching Ari the whole day. His arms are crossed and he has big grin on his face. There's definitely mischief twinkling in his eyes like stars.

Ari had snapped her head back to her brother with his interruption and glares and huffs at him now. Art just keeps looking expectantly at her. Sighing Ari takes a deep breath and turns back to her parents, her smile so wide it reaches from one ear to the other.

"We'll take that as you being very satisfied with the lesson," Rhys tells her, grinning at his daughter's happiness.

"How about you calm down a little and than you tell as one thing after the other, little night! We want to know everything that happened!" Feyre says smiling adoringly at Ari.

Now the whole family is smiling, even if Art's smile got down right dark and mischievous at the word "everything", but his parents didn't noticed, since they are focused on Ari.

Retreating into the living room, High Lord and High Lady of the Night Court ask the Princess of Night about her lesson which she answers as truthfully as possible without hinting about "Cliff-Incident". Meanwhile the Princess shares a conspicuous, secretive and mischievous smile with the Heir of Night over the High Lord's shoulder.

And the High Lord and High Lady wouldn't find out for about 200 years, even if the princess got thrown down a cliff in every lesson or jumped down herself.

And to say that they were happy about it, would have been the understatement of the millennia.

_____________

Puh! I am done! I hope you liked it!

If you have any questions, feel free to ask me, I would love to answer them!

Tagging: @thelaziestgeek @lux-et-tenebra @mindnumbmikey @starlightheir @guthiix @iamthebonecarver

(if you want to get tagged, just let me know!)

[yournewapartment]

This is going to be a multi-part. So background about me. I've only drank a few times and have been drunk twice. I don't like getting drunk so I avoided alcohol since. The taste has always been blah to me as well. So basically I'm just not much of a drinker. My bf doesn't drink at all and he doesn't like it bc of a bad past, and I respect that. But since I've turned 21, i've noticed a few comments he's made. The first was my birthday he kept saying how my family was going to get me to drink PT1

PT2 even though it never happened. then when i mentioned the possibility of my family going on a cruise, he said the same thing. and today i’m going to a casino resort with my family and all he really said was “don’t drink too much lol”. now, both his sister and mom drink occasionally and he doesn’t care i’ve noticed but with me he does. and i can’t help but think that he knows about my experience with drinking so the little comments don’t make any sense. Part of me thinks it’s bc of his

PT3 bad history. He’s not mean when he makes the comments so it’s never really bothered me, especially bc it’s only happened 3 times. Now I know I said I’m not big on drinking but since I’m legal now and at a resort, I’m curious to at least try something. I already know my limit when I would start to get tipsy so I know to avoid that. But if I do try something and he asks, I don’t want to lie and say no. But for some reason i’d feel bad saying yes. Tbh, I tried some of my mom’s wine a few

PT5 few weeks ago and I didn’t even finish it, but I never told him bc there was no need to bring it up. I don’t really know what imm asking, but should I just not worry about it since it doesn’t bother me or say something?

Ugh, this is a difficult situation. On the one hand, it’s your life, and you should be allowed to experience things that you want to experience. An overprotective boyfriend who is nervous, critical, and imposing his feelings about alcohol on you is not good. On the other hand, if he had bad experiences with alcohol in the past, that may be crowding his judgment and he may not even realize how he’s making you feel.

As someone who lived with an alcoholic for several years, I went through a period of my life when I refused to be around anyone who was drinking anything. Despite the fact that I had no bad experiences with my friends or family drinking alcohol, being around them made me nervous and reminded of the bad times I had had with the person in my life who was alcohol dependent. It gave me anxiety and removing myself completely from the equation was the only way I got better. Honestly, even now I don’t seek out places like bars or clubs and don’t really hang out with heavy drinkers. But I can be with other people drinking and not have an anxiety attack or anything close to it (thank goodness). But this was because I took the time to heal and not think about those awful times, and fill my life with things that made me happy (and were somewhat of a distraction). 

I’m wondering if your boyfriend is experiencing something similar to what I experienced with you. I also want to point out that you really can’t be sure how he’s treating his mother or sister’s drinking, he may be talking to them about it while you’re not present. He may just be focusing on you at the moment. I really think it’s unlikely that his problem is with you alone drinking, hopefully I’m right.

This all said- I don’t think that he should be keeping you from living your life, especially since you’re not getting blackout drunk every night of the week! You’re just trying some alcohol casually, and you’re of legal age to do so without anybody’s criticism. 

You need to talk to him and try to get him to open up a bit about what’s going on. I’m sure this is very painful and sensitive stuff for him, but he’s imposing these feelings on you in a way that is not healthy for your relationship. He has no right to tell you what to do or to manipulate you into feeling bad for wanting to have a couple drinks every once in a while. That is normal in our culture and I want to stress that there’s nothing wrong with drinking responsibly. If you’re going to stay in a relationship with him, he’s going to need to find some space to be okay with you drinking, and if he can’t, you need to move on with your life. 

But traumas take time to get over, and lots of patience. It took me a couple years to get over my alcohol stuff, idk if I’ll ever really be 100% over with it. But I can live with it. I’m not sure what he went through or how long it will take him, but there must be ways for you to drink without him being nervous. I don’t have the answer for what those are, but hopefully you two can talk and work through it. Also- counseling can be helpful!

- Macaroni 

[sarahperfectgirlmichelle]

completed 10/20/2022 @ 1:48 AM Mountain Standard Time UT/AZ border while listening to fucking Big Sky - Sleepy Clouds

I didn't tell her everything. She wouldn't let me. She didn't want to know. She's NOT fascinated with POWER She's fascinated with FLIRTING with power. I need her to know the reason for the soul tie.

Sarah. You know how you keep mistaking me for an infant. Because of my little girl voice and my innocence? Wake up baby. Because you are 12 year old me right now.

And I hate to tell you the ending of this story, but a beautiful innocent woman does indeed die. It very easily COULD HAVE been me, your not so humble narrator, during ROUND 1. At 12. But it wasn't. It was a random woman. A lesbian. A mother. An immigrant. Living in a garage. I never saw her face. I never knew her name. But I was right there at her door. Fucking around all over the attached home.

Lovely fucking metaphor there Michelle... Except it's not a metaphor.

You think I'm so goddamn boring, because I held onto my innocence all of this time? You're afraid that the truth about you is going to fuck me up? It doesn't. It won't.

You really should call me up.

so I could take you to all of those deep DARK places that you pretend that you want to go to. We could do it the talking way or the sexy way

But I have every answer you could possibly need.

And all of the answers I never asked to carry.

That's right babe.

You fell in love with the kid's other mom again. And now you're sleepwalking your way to someone's death.

iF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE ROPES. LET ME SHOW YOU THE ROPES.

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT BRANDS OF HEAVEN AND HELL LIE AT THE END OF THE PATH.

yep. more veil. it feels so good to get rid of.

None of the players know any better. Everything is an accident of ignorance rather than malice. Everyone is just ignorant of what kind of ignorance caused the malice. Purity. Purity is the ignorance that causes the malice.

And it drives everyone:

MAD

We're all born knowing nothing. We're all thrust into a world full of rules and laws that we don't know anything about. We all stumble around. Just like you are right now. Real mature of you Lady. It's the running that causes harm. Because all you run into is a bunch of other runners. Running away from their shit instead of feeling their feelings and letting it go.

I remember crying on the bare twin mattress aloft the wood bed frame my father had built (for my sister, _no real ice cream_ for me right?). listening to Ben Folds Five. and deciding to run away.

I did run away. And I ran into another runner.. who ran into my Father (who was also running) and then he, the runner I ran into, ran an innocent's life (not me, but an actual non-problematic human) into their literal grave through torturous means just so he could be ran behind bars. A lot of runners hide behind bars. We hide in our bedrooms being cute as fuck.

You are the purest among the pure honey. And you think you are some kind of problem. Some crazy libertine. But you have never seen anything of the real world. Because you're so GOOD, and CAREFUL, and CONTROLLED.

And that's what gets people murdered.

iGNORANCE. mY Ignorance. nOW yOUR iGNORANCE.

You didn't really want a degree in how to sell _fake ice cream_

You just wanted REAL _MOTHERFUCKING_ ICE CREAM

You are the innocent. The pure one.

Not me. Not by a fucking long shot.

I gave you permission to be yourself and live your life. But I had no fucking right to do that. I did it from a place of love and wisdom and acceptance, but I had and have no idea what I was and am fucking with. Your innocence. Your purity. I don't know what the right thing is anymore than you do.

Do your homework. Walk. See if you can't learn some of those kids' secrets. PLAY NICE. Don't run into any other runners if you can help it.

AS ALWAYS, make sure you watch your back PuNk

&

Please Just Be a Better Mom than *I AM* While You're Out There With The Kids At The Park

*

*soul smiles*

couldn't love you more

you've got a beautiful taste

*

Just want to capture this feeling of waking up happy and pain free.

it may be 7 in the morning, all of the lights are on full white,

completely dark outside

and yeah, that's a depressing thought, scary even

my spiritual daughters are all down at the bus stop in the dark; alone for the next few months

but she's not really alone

i hope she knows that

i hope she feels that

what a terrible thing not to have

*

so much magic in pattern interruption

me thinks she's a believer

like seriously, the odds of her and I both conjuring up "as gay as possible" in our own ways, at the same time, without knowing exactly what the other was up to?

I won't forget that's for damn sure.

 🅰︎ life -r