#Cole just being unapologetically himself over here

[anotherninjagoblog]

LoveSick

Ehhhhh the title is iffy. :P 

BUT

This fic has been in my drafts for a while, and I’m actually really proud of how it turned out! I really took my time, and I hope y’all like it just as much as I do <3. Special thanks to ellieloves2read, fizzysugarwater, and miraculous-ninjabird who commented their headcanons on my last post! It really helped me out with the last couple passages :)

Summary: Being sick and having new relationship anxiety towards your best-friend turned boyfriend sucks. (Bruiseshipping/Geodeshipping)

//////////

“You sure you don’t want us to give you a ride home?”

“Yeah,” he paused, pulling the scarf over his mouth and nose, suddenly getting the urge to sneeze again.

A second later and the feeling went away. 

“Cole is going to drive me.” Jay said, finishing his sentence.

He pulled his scarf down again, his breath coming out in a small fog. It was a cold Friday night, and he and Nya had gone with Lloyd to watch the football game. Not only to support Nya’s brother Kai, but Jay’s boyfriend Cole. 

Jay’s heart thumped in his chest. Boyfriend was such a nice word.

The game had ended ten minutes ago with Ninjago High securing a victory that night. With the football team yet to come out of the stadium’s locker room, and Lloyd having already being picked up by his father, it left Jay and Nya shivering as they stood over by the gate directly across from where Cole and Kai would exit. Everyone else was already leaving, undoubtedly to rush to their cars and blast their heaters on the way to their nice warm houses.

Nya gave him a skeptical look, narrowing her eyes. “Dude, come on, you look way worse than when you showed up.”

Well, she’s not wrong, Jay thought to himself.

He should have known he was going to end up sick. That foreboding feeling had been following him for a couple days now, the runny nose, the beginnings of a sore, scratchy throat. 

Before he had left for school that day, he ended up taking cold syrup as a precaution. But now that he was standing there, sniffling and sneezing, he realized he should have taken more, or at least taken it with him. And to tell the truth, he was absolutely suffering. He hated everything having to do with being sick since forever.

Nya, who had steadily watched his condition worsen and the night become colder, had continually offered him the choice to leave together. But, the thought of not being there to support Cole when he could just suck it up (a little while longer, he repeated as an internal mantra) ate at him just a tiny bit more. 

“It’s uh, not as bad as it looks?” He croaked, giving a weak smile. The pain in his throat seemed to resonate with every word he spoke. Jay fought the need to pull at his scarf again. 

Nya rolled her eyes. She was not convinced. 

“Nya! Jay!”

The duo turned around to the sound of Cole’s voice to see him and Kai jogging over to where they were standing. 

Jay felt warm at the call. Smiling, he gave a wave as they got closer. 

Kai jogged a bit faster, hooking his arms around Jay and Nya. Despite how cold it had gotten, Kai only seemed to radiate heat through his sweatshirt. “Did you see me out there? Other team didn’t know what hit em’.” He paused, looking around. “Greenie leave already?”

“Yeah,” Jay answered. “You guys-” Something in his chest tightened, and Jay immediately pulled away from Kai as he suddenly broke out into a coughing fit. 

“-did great.” He finished, his voice coming out raspy. When he turned back around, Kai and Nya had taken their distance from his mini germ explosion, while Cole only kept moving towards him.

Before he could utter a hello, Cole placed a hand on his forehead, before repeatedly replacing it on his cheek and forehead once again. 

He held Jay’s face in between his hands, a concerned look gracing his features.

“You’re running a fever.” 

...So it wasn’t just the blushing from their reunion.

Ignoring the discomfort bubbling inside from the symptoms of his cold, Jay stepped back.

“I um, might be coming down with something.” He answered, pulling the edge of the scarf over his mouth.

“You literally sounded as if you were about to hack up a lung!” Interjected Kai, who was still, rightfully so, keeping his difference.

Nya left her spot next to her brother and walked up beside Cole. “I tried telling him. Even Lloyd offered. But you know, he was really compelled by the power of looooove,” she drawled. 

Jay was about to make some sort of retort when Cole offered him his hand.

“Let’s get you home, okay?” He said gently.

Jay nodded. Now he was really about to melt.

They bid their goodbyes until Monday to Kai and Nya before they walked off in separate directions to their cars. The walk to Cole’s truck felt much longer than it was, and Jay kind of felt like he was beginning to space out, Cole’s hand and the sound of their footsteps on the pavement serving as his only tether.

They were about to approach his truck when another car had pulled up next to them. It was a couple of other guys from the football team Jay could just barely make out in the dark.

“Yo Cole! We’re going out to eat to celebrate - you coming?”

“Nah man, go without me!” Cole said, waving them off. The truck just steps away, Cole shifted his heavy bag onto one shoulder, before pulling the keys out of his pocket. The doors unlocked with a small click and a flash of the headlights. “Come on Bluebell.” he said, letting go of Jay’s hand.

Jay climbed into the passenger side without another word, closing the door and automatically putting on his seatbelt. 

Cole climbed in right after, shoving his bag into the backseat before he shut the door behind him. He rubbed his hands together and turned on the truck, cranking up the heater full blast.

“Check in there will you?” Cole asked, pointing at the glovebox. “Or, I might have some cough drops around...somewhere....” he said, his voice trailing off as he opened the middle compartment between the seats.

Jay opened up the glovebox but could not find the cough drops. Cole had noticed.

“No? Okay, we’ll just get you some.” Cole said, before buckling his seatbelt. 

“It’s worse than I thought. You’re completely quiet.” He looked over his shoulder, backing out of the parking space. 

As they drove out of the lot, Jay finally spoke up.

“You should have gone with them. Don’t want to keep you from all the fun.”

Cole frowned, his eyes still focused on the road. “Jay. It’s not a problem. I promise you.”

“Okay.” Jay leaned back into the seat, watching the lights pass by outside his window. He felt so warm, so safe, and so tired, that maybe he could fall asleep...just for...a li...a little while.

.

.

.

He awoke to a gentle shake of the shoulder.

“Jay. Babe.” 

Jay blinked slowly. Upon realizing he was not home in bed, and instead, still in Cole’s truck, he sat up, startled.

“W-what? ...What happened?” He mumbled quickly. “Why did we stop?”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Cole replied, leaning over, placing a hand on his cheek. Jay looked out the front window, the red neon lights of the pharmacy practically burning into his post-sleep vision. He turned back to look at Cole.

“I’m going to run inside, get you a couple things.” He turned around quickly, pulling the keys out of the ignition. “Hold onto these.”

 Jay sat up as Cole shoved the keys into his hand. “Lock the door. I’ll be back.”

And in a split moment, he was already out the truck, Jay watching as he quickly made his way over to the entrance. As Cole disappeared inside, Jay pressed the door lock, before leaning into the seat again. He could feel a headache coming on. 

Ugh, as if the sore throat wasn’t bad enough.

Maybe he should have gone home earlier. 

Especially since his germs were bound to have spread all over the interior of Cole’s truck.

And now he was in there, spending money on him. 

Jay shifted in his seat, the cold slowly beginning to seep in from outside. 

Maybe this was a mistake. 

But it didn’t feel like a mistake. His feelings were real, unapologetic in the way only one look at Cole made his heart flutter. And, maybe he imagined it, but he swore - he swore that he could see the love he felt in his heart in Cole’s eyes.

Jay absolutely loved that they were together. But, what if he was too whiny? Too self-conscious? What if everything he did secretly annoyed Cole? To the point where he would break up with him and stop being friends with him?

Jay tugged at his sleeve. They knew how to be friends, but this whole boyfriend thing is another level. 

What if...

A sharp knock on the door abruptly cut him out of his thoughts, and effectively startled Jay in his seat. 

He turned his head to look out the drivers’ side window to see Cole waiting, his hand on the door handle.

Taking a breath to settle the soul that had nearly leapt from his body, Jay then picked up the keys from their place on his lap, and pressed the button. 

Cole opened the door and climbed in, the loud rustling of a plastic bag filling in the silence. He shut the door behind him, and smiled at Jay, raising the bag up beside his face.

“Let me turn on the heater again, it’s getting cold in here.” Jay handed Cole the keys, and he waited for the heat to blast in through the vents before turning in his seat to face Jay. 

“For you.” 

Jay gingerly received the bag from him, and peered in to view the contents. Cole reached up over his head, turning on the cabin light. 

It was a bag full of goodies to any sick person if he ever saw one. Pulling it closer and setting it on his lap for proper inspection, he began to rummage through it.

At the top of the bag were tissues, and to his delight, there was a box of the special ones - the ones that didn’t make your nose red every time you had to blow - as well as many pocket-sized packs. As if that wasn’t great already, there were two medium sized bags of cough drops - mint and cherry. A bottle of cold medicine, and just peeking underneath- 

“No way.” Jay said aloud in amused disbelief.

“For your throat.” Cole replied, smiling.

Jay pulled out the small pint of ice cream. 

Birthday cake was his favorite.

He looked at it a moment longer before tears suddenly began to well up in his eyes.

“Jay?”

There it was again. The concern, the care in his voice-

Jay began to cry. He gently set the pint in the bag before using his sweater sleeve to wipe his eyes. 

Cole leaned over, placing a hand on his knee. “Jay, what’s the matter? Are you feeling worse? What hurts?”

Jay sniffled, before hastily wiping at his eyes again. 

He looked at Cole, giving him the best smile he could. “You’re so...amazing.”

Cole returned a small smile, brushing aside a stray tear on Jay’s face. 

But the concern was still there. Jay could tell.

“Ready?”

Jay nodded, pulled out the box of tissues, and tore it open.

.

.

.

At the sound of the front door opening, Edna quickly set aside the book she had been reading. “Jay! I was just about to call when - oh honey you look awful!” She walked over from her spot at the couch, going up to the both of them.

“Gee, thanks Ma.” He replied sarcastically, then winced at the sting in his throat. He needed another cough drop. Or maybe he could open up the ice cream now. 

“Oh hello Cole! Thank you for bringing Jay home.”

Cole smiled. “It’s really no problem, Mrs. Walker.”

“You’re such a nice young man, you know, I was really happy when Jay told us you were dating!”

“Ma!” Jay grimaced at the pain from the sudden strain in his voice. “Um, can you put this is the freezer for me?” He dug into the bag quickly, pulling out the pint of ice cream, and held it out to his mother. “Before it melts.”

“Oh, alright.” She said, chuckling. 

As soon as she turned away, Jay headed to his room, Cole trailing behind him. 

He pushed open the door and turned on the lights.

Jay walked over to the dresser, setting the bag on top, before shedding his sweater and scarf and placing it in the hamper. 

Cole busied himself with looking at some of the old posters on Jay’s wall while he changed into a pair of sweatpants. 

“Hey.”

Cole turned around, meeting his gaze.

“So, uh, see you Monday?”

Cole paused, thinking for a moment before replying. 

“Did you want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?”

Cole set the backpack down beside the door. “What happened, back in the truck.”

Jay reached for a tissue, and crumbled it in his hand. “I don’t know - I just feel sick and it’s screwing with me, I guess.” He sniffled, and stepped closer to his bed before plopping himself down on the edge. “I think I just need to sleep it off.” He said to himself, before falling backwards onto the mattress. 

The light was too bright, so Jay placed his arm over his eyes. In seconds, he heard Cole moving around. He felt the bed indent as Cole sat next to him.

“Here.” 

Jay moved his arm aside, and saw Cole offering him a dose of the medicine in the small plastic cup. Cole offered his free hand, and pulled him up. 

He took the medicine from him, downing it in one bitter gulp. Yuck.

They sat in silence before Cole spoke up. 

“You could tell me anything before, and you can still tell me anything now. That doesn’t have to change.”

“I know.” Jay pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s just- I don’t think I’m all that great, you know? You? You’re amazing. Everybody wants to be your friend. You always know what to say, and you seem so good at this.” Jay said, making a gesture between the both of them. “But what about me? I’m not cool, and I know I can get on people’s nerves- sometimes I talk too much, and I just end up thinking about why you’re with me. I really care about you Cole, I really do, but what if doesn’t work? I just...I don’t want to lose you, ever.”

“Jay.” Cole said. “Deep breath in.”

Jay took a breath the best he could without coughing, before releasing it slowly out his mouth. “Deep breath out.” He murmured in response. 

“See? Perfect.” Jay slumped against Cole’s side, and the latter wrapped an arm around him.

“Hear me out.” Cole began, his voice a beat softer. “I know we’re still new to this. But, that doesn’t mean it won’t work.” He paused a moment. “...Love takes work. And I’m willing to put all of that into us. If you let me. But I promise. We will never lose each other. So for now...let’s just take things one step at a time.”

“Together?” Jay asked. 

Cole smiled. “Together.”

Oh no, Jay thought.  He was giving him that smile - the handsome one. Without thinking, he moved closer, pressing a quick kiss upon his boyfriend’s lips. 

It didn’t take longer than a second for Jay to realize what he did. “Oh my gosh! I forgot! Now I-”

Cole kissed him, cutting him off.

“Hey, it’s okay. Just come take care of me too when I’m sick, alright?”

“Deal.” Jay agreed, with a dopey smile on his face and his heart still beating.

Cole pulled his phone out of his pocket, and unlocked the screen. “It’s getting late. I should probably go, let you get some rest.” 

“Wait.” He said, grabbing Cole’s hand. “Stay with me until I fall asleep?”

“I probably stink.”

“Don’t care. Can’t really smell now anyways.” He retorted, with a sniffle at the end. 

“Okay.” Cole said, giving in. “Let me get you a couple tissues first.”

.

.

.

“Feel better?” Cole whispered. 

“....Yeah..” Jay responded sleepily.

The room was dark - only a small crack at the door allowed some of the light from the hallway to spill in

Cole was propped up against the headboard, both of Jay’s arms wrapped around his waist. He moved, making sure the blankets were snugly tucked around him. A touch to Jay’s forehead confirmed the fever was going down. 

“You still listening?” He asked.

“..mm...yeah..” 

Cole could tell he wasn’t really awake, so he went on to speak anyways.

“Sometimes I wish you saw yourself the way I do. You...everything you do makes me happy.” He said, brushing a curl behind Jay’s ear. “When you talk everyone’s ear off,” Cole chuckled, “I am more than willing to listen to every word that comes out of your mouth so long that I can see that sparkle in your eye. You’re passionate about everything you like, everything you do. I love seeing the excitement you have even for the simplest of things.”

He looked down at Jay again, who was already asleep.

“I would do anything to see you smile. I am so glad to be with you, to be your, best friend, to be your boyfriend. I want to remind you every single day.”

Cole waited a moment longer, before planting a kiss to Jay’s forehead. He grabbed a pillow, and helped position Jay in a way that would help him breathe easier throughout the night. He moved away, and his boyfriend barely stirred. 

Cole got out of bed, and was about to walk into the hallway before he stopped at the doorway. Fishing his phone out of his pocket, he quickly typed out a text before gently closing the door behind him. 

Jay’s phone illuminated on the bedstand. 

Love you. I’ll be back later. 

[fanfalc-616]

The Rights Of A Nindroid

Chapter Fifteen

(Prevoius Chapter Here)

(Discord Here)

Been a while since I’ve posted, sorry about that-

I’m supposed to be in school rn lol

When finally taken back to the lockers, after thirty exhausting hours, Cryptor feels as though he’s on the verge of a forced shutdown.

The damn brat had switched out with someone else, claiming something about an internship. And that had at least meant that the one hurting him no longer had a personal vendetta, but it was still painful.

Cryptor hates how close he had come to actually asking them to hurt Zane instead, but he didn’t. Though judging by the way the other looks when the two of them are put in the locker, they hurt him anyway.

DID THEY GIVE YOU A CHOICE TOO?

Zane doesn’t answer for a moment, likely out of surprise or maybe exhaustion.

I DIDNT GIVE IN

Cryptor snorts. Of course he didn’t. He’s a self-sacrificing dumbass, and it had been that knowledge that had allowed Cryptor to hang on himself.

HOW LONG A BREAK DO YOU THINK WELL GET?

It’s a morbid game, really, but the two of them had taken to guessing how long they would get before dragged out for testing or torture.

AT LEAST SIX HOURS WE WERE THERE FOR OVER A DAY

Mulls over the words, Cryptor considers the idea. Zane’s probably right, but he feels like arguing.

OR THEYLL WANT TO BEAT IT INTO US WITH A SHORTER ONE

There’s a pause, and Cryptor takes a moment to hate himself. Yes, start an argument with his one friend, that’s a wonderful idea.

IS SOMEONE HAVING A BAD DAY?

Cryptor snorts. Good, Zane can tell when he’s only pretending to argue. Probably picked that up from his teammates.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

The friendly banter continues for a while, but Cryptor can eventually feel himself shutting down from exhaustion.

He taps out a goodbye and a quick explanation before falling asleep, hoping- but not expecting- that they’ll get today off.

{ { { { { { { { { { ~ } } } } } } } } } }

Jay is starting to lose his grip.

Kai had gotten himself under house arrest by breaking into the government building- which he neglected to tell them the location of before doing so- and since they live on the Bounty, they’re stuck grounded so that the police can make sure that Kai’s not leaving.

Also he’s been sulking the whole time.

It’s already been almost two months, but he still has another four left, and everyone on the ship is going crazy from it.

“I am this close to renting a hotel until his house arrest is over.” Nya holds up her hand so that her pointer finger and thumb are almost touching.

Cole sighs, shaking his head. “I’d join you, but at this point I’m scared of leaving him unsupervised.”

Jay laughs a little. “Honestly, what could he do that’s worse than what he’s already done?”

The two immediately snap over to looking at him.

“Are you trying to jinx it?!” Cole groans. “You know full well how crazy he can get when it comes to protecting us.”

Wincing, Jay accepts the point. “That’s fair. But I doubt he would-“

Lloyd comes running into the room. “Kai left the ship. He tied his house arrest bracelet to the roomba so it would move, and I don’t know where he went.”

Jay blinks. “I stand corrected.”

Then they’re all scrambling to their feet, rushing off to try and find the dumbass hot head that is Kai.

Cole runs outside, probably off to go look at his usual hiding places- he’s run off before, but never under house arrest.

Nya goes to her computer, most likely going to try and track his phone- that’s her usual go-to for when one of them goes off to do something stupid.

He’s not entirely sure where Lloyd’s going, but he probably has some kind of plan.

But before Jay has the chance to come up with his own, his BorgPhone rings with a number that he doesn’t recognize.

A flash of fear takes over him. Oh, Kai better not have gotten captured. What happens if he has? They might hurt him, he might go to prison, he could get into all kinds of trouble!

With shaky hands, Jay hits accept and holds the phone up to his ear.

“Hey, this is Jay Walker. Who is this and how have I ruined your life?” Somehow, he manages to keep his voice from shaking.

“It’s more of your boyfriend who’s doing that.” Sentry grumbles. “I found Kai sneaking into Borg Tower- he was trying to find more hints of ways to rescue Zane. Please come and get him before he gets caught- I shoved him in a back room to keep people from finding him, but he’ll probably find a way out pretty soon.”

Jay curses softly. “Of course he did. Okay, I’m on my way.” He starts to head out even as he speaks, silently complaining about how reckless his boyfriend can be. He loves him, he really does, but sometimes- like now- he really wants to slap him.

It takes him around fifteen minutes to make it to Borg Tower, and when he steps inside, Sentry is standing right next to the door.

“He escapes from the room, so I put him in the timeout corner. He’s handcuffed to the wall, but I’m pretty sure that-“

Jay blinks a few times. “Wh- why do you have a timeout corner? And why does it have handcuffs?”

Sighing, Sentry shakes his head. “The white nindroids were created recently and are pretty immature,” he explains, “so a timeout is a pretty effective way to get them to behave. The handcuffs are for when they still don’t listen- now come on, we should hurry before he finds a way out.”

So Jay lets the nindroid lead him through the tower, trying to stop the way he’s nervously jittering. It- it’ll be fine, it’ll be totally and completely fi-

They come into a back room where Kai is in a chair and in handcuffs that are attached to the wall, forcing his hands above his head.

Jay glances over at Sentry. “Uh-“

“We have two timeout corners. This one is for the nindroids who cause trouble repeatedly. Or in this case, the ninja who does that.” He glares at Kai, but the red ninja looks utterly unapologetic.

“I need to rescue Zane. And you didn’t have to call someone to pick me up, I’m not some child in a school’s principal’s office.” Kai huffs, shifting in his bonds.

Jay starts to try and tell him that he’s totally acting like he’s just got his parents called in an office, but Sentry shakes his head, and speaks up.

“There’s a back door you can take him out so that he doesn’t get caught, but keep a better handle on him next time. We really don’t need him getting an actual prison sentence.”

Glancing at his boyfriend, Jay thinks for a moment, trying to figure out if he’d actually be able to get Kai out of here without being seen.

“I’m going to call Cole,” he decides, “he’ll be able to carry him out of here.”

“I can walk!” Kai protests, looking betrayed. “I don’t need to be carried-“

Sentry nods. “Probably a good idea. He might put up a fight on the way out.”

“I can hear you, you know! I’m right here.” Kai sounds annoyed and frustrated, and Jay sighs, feeling himself cave a little.

“It’s okay, Fire-Hazard. I’ll talk Nya out of murdering you, so long as you promise to actually stay on the ship this time.”

At his words, Kai pales a little. It’s clear he hadn’t thought about how his sister would react to him running off.

“I’ll behave.” He grumbles, clearly unhappy about it. “But I can’t just do nothing.”

With a start, Jay realizes that he’s right. The reason that he keeps doing stupid things is because he needs to be doing something to help- if he doesn’t, he’s going to feel like he’s failing Zane.

So they need to come up with something that he could work on, some way he could get them closer to freeing him.

Maybe if he was working on part of the plan…

Jay looks over at Sentry. “We’re looking for legal loopholes right now, right? Could he help you try and find some? From the computer on the ship, I mean.”

Kai perks up a little, and Sentry looks like he’s considering the idea.

“Will that keep him out of trouble?” He sounds hesitant, but Jay quickly nods.

“He just wants to help, give him a way to do that and he’ll be fine.”

The nindroid looks over at Kai. “Is he seriously going to be able to look through legal documents for longer than thirty seconds?” He sounds unamused, but he pauses again when he sees Kai’s determined expression.

“I looked through a ton of them to break in. I’ll do whatever it takes to get him out.”

After hesitating for only a moment longer, Sentry nods. “Alright,” he agrees, “I’ll send over some I haven’t gotten to yet.”

So Jay ends up only calling Cole so that he can let the others know that Jay found him, and Kai actually walks back without putting up a fuss.

It takes a bit of work to get him on the ship stealthily enough so that any potential cameras couldn’t see, but they manage it.

However, when they step onto the bridge, the three others look annoyed beyond belief.

After a pause, Kai chuckles nervously. “On a scale of one to ten, how much trouble am I in?”

“Eleven.” Nya’s smile expresses anything but happiness, and Cole and Lloyd look only slightly less upset.

Somehow, Jay manages to uphold his promise, talking Nya out of giving Kai some five hour lecture that would probably make him regret existing.

Lloyd grabs Stabby and re-attaches the house arrest bracelet, and it’s not long after that the red ninja is in front of the computer, having about seven files open that he’s comparing and researching.

Later, Cole comes up to him. “The research thing was good thinking; it’ll keep him distracted while still allowing him to help.”

Jay flashes him a smile. “What can I say? I actually have good ideas sometimes.”

Cole smirks. “That’s debatable.”

“You literally just told me that I had a good idea.” Jay reminds with his own grin.

With an overly thoughtful expression, Cole strokes his chin. “Did I? I don’t remember that.”

“Wow, and here I was with the idea that elephants never forget.” Jay snarks back, barely containing his snickers.

Mock gasping, Cole puts a hand over his chest. But as he starts to teasingly reply, his smile fades, and he looks down.

“... Zane loved mock arguments.” He murmurs softly, pain suddenly written on his face.

Jay feels his own cheerfulness drain a little. “It took a while to teach him how, but he got pretty good at them.” He quietly agrees as he remembers the difficulty Zane had used to have with humor.

“He got pretty good at them though.” Cole’s smile is more pained now, but it’s there.

With a soft chuckle, Jay nods. “Absolutely trashed us with them.”

But then the emotions are over taking him, and Jay feels himself shaking at the thought of his titanium boyfriend. Who knows what they’re doing to him, from Kai’s recount they’ve been outright torturing him, he-

Cole puts a hand on his shoulder. “It’ll be okay.” He speaks softly, and his voice is uncertain, as though he’s not really sure of himself, even though it sounds like he’s trying to keep it steady.

Jay nods weakly, feeling tears burn at the back of his eyes. “It’ll be okay.” He repeats softly, desperately trying to believe the words.

In the end, Cole has to coax both him and Kai into bed with gentle reassurances and promises that he sounds slightly unsure of, but at this point, Jay’s too desperate to think about how he might be wrong.

He just wants Zane back… is that really too much to ask for?

Apparently, because it doesn’t seem that they’ll be getting him back anytime soon.

That night, even when cuddled in the arms of his other boyfriends, he cries himself to sleep.

Zane will be okay. He has to be okay.

Jay won’t be able to take it if he’s not.

[lloydskywalkers]

afsdgfdhgj!! thank you sm, i’m so happy to hear that :’D that is...something i do very much need to work on actually, i’ve been trying to kick the talking-self-down habit for a while now, it’s just!! it’s tough, guys.

on a lighter note, i know exactly what trope you’re talking about and i’m an unapologetic sucker for it afdsgfdh. unfortunately this probably isn’t exactly what you’re looking for, but i got bit by the idea and it wouldn’t let me go, so here’s a somewhat-short (somewhat) fic about it!

Sometimes, the ninja forget they’re technically, kind-of-sort-of, famous. Like, not all the time, because some people are creepy and won’t leave them well enough alone, and some people are just…really enthusiastic…but for the most part, it is easy to forget sometimes, because out of gi they look pretty normal.

(Until Lloyd’s eyes start shuffling through colors like a sporadic traffic light, of course, but that doesn’t happen as much now.)

The point is, sometimes it’s easy to forget that they’re famous.

Sometimes, though — when movie posters the size of the Bounty are plastered all over the city because some wise guy thought making a film about them would be a great idea — it’s harder to forget.

“This feels like an invasion of privacy,” Cole mutters, crossing his arms as he sinks deeper into the theater seat.

“Oh, yeah,” Nya says. “Because trading cards and entire news documentaries with our full names and intimate dating life details were one thing, but a loosely-based movie is where we draw the line.”

“Intimate dating life my foot,” Lloyd scowls, clearly far from getting over that one article that managed to snag a picture of him and Harumi before…everything.

“Well — yeah, fair, but like—” Cole sputters. “They hired actors to play us. They’re gonna be recreating our lives and it’s — it’s weird, okay?”

“I dunno, I think it’s pretty cool,” Kai says, already on his third mouthful of popcorn, and the trailers have’t even started yet. “I mean, it can’t be worse than that play they put on, right?”

“Don’t jinx it,” Zane mutters darkly, his eyes flashing at the reminder.

“I’m with Kai,” Jay says, bouncing in his seat as he reaches for the popcorn. “I think it’s cool that people care enough about us to make a movie, you know? Like, did you see the budget for this thing?”

“Was it as high as the repair cost for the tower we blew up last week?” Lloyd says.

“Uh…maybe. I didn’t compare, exactly. But look, you can’t put a price on lives. A little collateral damage is worth it.”

“A little?” Zane says, his eyebrows shooting up.

“Eh, we helped clean it up,” Nya shrugs. “That counts.”

Jay points at her. “Thank you.”

“Still say it wasn’t my fault,” Kai grumbles, crossing his arms. Lloyd pokes him in the ribs, and Kai yelps, flinching away from him. “Not cool, not cool!”

“We’re definitely not going to make it through this movie without getting thrown out,” Cole groans into his hands. They’re already getting looks from the movie-goers around them, and their patience doesn’t look like it’s going to last very long.

“C’mon, have a little optimism,” Jay placates. “This is gonna be fun— hey, that’s my popcorn!”

“No way, lightning brain, I bought it, I hold it.”

“But you bought it with Nya’s money.”

“Which she stole from Lloyd’s sock drawer this morning, so that doesn’t count.”

“Wait, you stole my sock money?”

“Um…call it payback for stealing the last of the cookies last week.”

“How is that a fair trade, I only took one!”

“Yeah, one dozen—”

“Guys, please—”

“You’re one to talk, you stole all the—”

“Would you all shut up, it’s starting, and — I said shut up!”

******************

It takes a few threats of murder, and one or two threats of open power-use to the face, but they quiet down in time for the opening credits.

The movie begins peacefully enough, with an older man telling some ‘punk little kid’ as Kai describes him, a whole lot of ‘stereotypical sensei mumbo jumbo’ as Lloyd describes it, about himself. Which, to be fair, is pretty accurate to their lives, so they’re able to quietly munch on popcorn for the first few minutes, at least.

But then the plot starts.

“What do they mean, ‘uh oh’, to Lloyd Garmadon?” Kai frowns. “The city loves you.”

Lloyd shrugs, tossing a mouthful of popcorn back. “I dunno,” he says. “I mean, it is tough to be that kid.”

“Yeah, ‘cause he’s the worst shortie ever, like four feet tall,” Nya whispers to him. Lloyd elbows her in the side. Zane shushes them, just in time for the actual movie Lloyd to show up on the screen, in bed and receiving a call from—

Lloyd doubles over, choking on his popcorn.

“Luh-Lloyd?” Kai says, in delight. “Luh-Lloyd?!”

“Pajamas,” Lloyd wheezes, as Nya thumps his back. “Look at his pajamas, I gotta buy my dad those—”

The others are left to giggle their way through the interpretation of one of their greatest enemies snacking on cereal in printed pajamas, telling Lloyd he ‘must’ve butt-dialed him’. It’s hysterical until Garmadon forgets Lloyd’s birthday, and the Lloyd onscreen gets the signature Sad Puppy Eyes Lloyd Look on his face — which, props to the actor, he nailed it — and everyone looks to Lloyd in sympathy.

“That’s rough, buddy,” Jay pats his shoulder. Lloyd rolls his eyes.

“It’s not me,” he says, shrugging again. Really, his dad forgetting his birthday is like, incredibly tame, compared to hurling him through a prison wall or six.

Now, forgetting he existed, that stings. But also, like, this isn’t his dad, so. Eh. He doesn’t really care.

“Is that supposed to be Misako?”

Never mind. He cares now.

“Are you—” Kai plasters a hand over his mouth, muffling this next part. “—kidding me?!”

“Oh, she’s, uh…really present, huh,” Cole winces, as ‘Koko’ encourages her son about being himself, and other really nice stuff Lloyd would have super appreciated hearing when he was younger.

He opens his mouth again, and Nya takes the opportunity to stuff more popcorn in it. Lloyd chomps down angrily, glaring at the screen and grumbling under his breath.

“At least you’ve shown up at all,” Jay comforts him. Lloyd is very much not comforted. He just wants to get through the rest of the movie in peace, and shift the focus off of him as quick as possible.

Oh boy, is he disappointed.

Like, he gets a few minutes of relief as the others are introduced, but that’s all, really. Even if it is hilarious.

“Hello, fellow teen.”

Cole makes a sound like a dying balloon, and Jay almost coughs popcorn out of his nose. Zane just presses his lips into a flat line, his expression unreadable. “I do not…know how to feel about this.”

Jay and Kai are doubled-over on each other by now, choking on laughter. Cole, bless him, is doing his absolute best not to burst into giggles, while Nya and Lloyd have given up and are full-out cackling.

“Well,” Zane says, eyeing them with a gleam in his eye. “Perhaps I should start updating my database with ‘teen lingo’ then—”

“No!” they all chorus in unison, waving frantically at Zane, earning several dirty looks from the people around them as they do.

“You’re perfect the way you are, buddy,” Jay says hastily.

Kai, at least, seems pretty steadily in character—

“Aw, look, I almost snapped your spine.”

“That’s a Kai hug, for sure.”

—and Nya’s thrilled about having a motorcycle. Jay’s a tad indignant at his character’s stuttering, but Cole reminds him he has zero room to talk, so Jay shuts up in time for Cole to shrug at his own portrayal.

“I like that shirt,” he remarks. “And those headphones are cool.”

Then the reality of the scene they’re watching sinks in.

“Wait, why are we in school?” Zane blinks, confused.

“Why are they being so mean to you?” Cole exclaims at Lloyd, taken aback.

Lloyd makes a face at the cheerleaders on screen, jerking his shoulder up as if to say ‘like I know’. Which is kind of a lie, because he does know, the movie told them, but he’s not gonna get into that. Kai is already fuming in his seat beside him, growing steadily angrier by the second. “Who do they think they are,” he hisses. “I’ll show them a number one hit.”

Lloyd rips his eyes from the screen, watching Kai in mild alarm. “Kai, you know that’s not actually me, right?”

“—tear those kids a new one—”

Lloyd cringes at the looks they’re getting from the people around them, patting Kai’s arm. “Chill out, Kai, seriously. This is like, basic Darkley’s stuff, don’t worry. And I walked away from that fine.”

Wrong thing to say. Kai swivels on him, his eyes flashing. “Wait. This happened to you at Darkley’s? For real?”

“Um…” Lloyd sweats briefly, the sounds of Boo Lloyd! coming from the screen really not helping at all. “I mean, I was a brat. I brought a lot of it on myself.”

Kai looks like he’s going to combust. “I swear—”

“Kai,” Lloyd interrupts, trying to quell the storm. “It’s fine. Seriously. I mean, there was this one time that four guys way bigger than me ganged up and hung me from a roof by my hoodie all night, but it wasn’t that bad. I’m fine.”

Kai’s face turns thunderous, matching the roar of Garmadon finally coming into view onscreen. “Wasn’t that bad?” he says, incredulous, gaining them several shh’s, mainly from Nya. Kai ignores them. “Point me to those punks, Lloyd, I’ll strangle ‘em—”

“Kai.”

“Wha — oh. Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“That — that was different.”

“Uh-huh.”

“…you — you weren’t there all night.”

“I sure was.”

“Oh.”

“Mm-hm.”

“Um. Sor…rry?”

Fortunately, both are saved by Garmadon smashing his way on screen in a giant shark mech with a full-scale crustacean-themed army, to which the ninja kind of just…stare. That’s — that’s the best they can do with that one. That, and be thankful Garmadon himself isn’t here to see this.

“I mean, to be fair, I can see him appreciating a song entirely about himself,” Kai mutters, as the chorus continues to yell about Garmadon!. “And — wait, Lloyd, are you filming this?”

“Uh, yeah?” Lloyd says, re-adjusting the zoom feature on his phone. “Now hush, I wanna save this and make it my ringtone.”

******************

The mechs are, admittedly, cool. Their total lack of ability to do Spinjitzu, way less so.

“That’s so not how Spinjitzu works,” Nya scoffs, as Sensei Wu finally makes an appearance, just in time for Lloyd to request wind as an element, which brings on another bout of choking.

“Oh, for crying out loud,” Lloyd sighs. He then blinks rapidly. “Wait, where are our powers?”

“Nonexistent, apparently,” Zane murmurs. “Along with our common sense.”

“To be fair, that’s never been a reliable thing in the first place,” Jay points out.

The lack of common sense continues to be a trend throughout the movie, and by the time the ‘Ultimate Weapon’ comes up, things start to go downhill rather fast.

“Which, to continue to be fair, is also pretty in-character. This whole fight kinda is.”

The other ninja grumble in agreement as Lloyd runs off to confront his father alone despite all warning, and Lloyd begins to sink lower into his seat. He has a bad feeling he knows exactly where this is going, and sadly, he isn’t disappointed.

Well, for the most part.

“A cat?” Lloyd yelps, his eyes bugging out. “A giant cat?! How is that fair? All I ever get to fight is creepy part-reptile people who want to suck the power out of me, where do I sign up for this?”

“This is surreal,” Zane remarks, as Meowthra tears her merry way across the screen. The whole scene is a disaster, slo-mo destruction and everything, but it’s pretty much the standard fare they’re used to, so they really don’t bat much of an eye as the cat totally wrecks them.

“Nice to know we can’t catch a break in any universe,” Jay sighs sadly, as his mech is torn apart on screen.

“This movie is really beating the ‘don’t-challenge-dad-solo’ message over the head, huh,” Lloyd mutters, chin in his hand, having recovered from his brief bout of extreme-cat-heart-eyes.

Kai gives him a stink-eye. “Yeah, I wonder why.”

Understandably, the Lloyd onscreen is considerably upset at the apparent destruction of all his friends. The ninja are all incredibly curious as to where the movie is going to go next, though, since this Garmadon celebrates his victory by throwing a pretty sick party instead of building a skyscraper-sized stone Colossi of destruction and wrecking half the city.

“Kind of unfair,” Jay scowls, as the henchman do the conga onscreen. Nya’s got a smart comment to make back, but then the Lloyd onscreen reveals himself —

“In typical dramatic-Lloyd fashion, they got that right.”

“Oh, shut up.”

— and then proceeds to snap at the Garmadon onscreen, “I wish you weren’t my father.”

The theater goes remarkably quiet, as do the ninja. Cautiously, they turn to look at Lloyd, who is staring at the screen with a look on his face similar to if you’d shaken up a soda bottle really hard and were about to take the top off. Then—

“Oh, heck yeah, how’s that for karma, you over-powered conceited jerk of a dad,” Lloyd hisses viciously at the screen, punching his fist in the air. “He’s got the right idea, it’s my turn to start disowning family members. Screw ‘you’re not my son’, I’m gonna pull this one out next time and disown him—!”

“Lloyd,” Nya says, a bit nervously. “You know he’s, uh, he’s crying on screen now, right?”

“Yeah,” Lloyd spits.

“You, uh. You know you are too, right?”

“N-no.”

“Therapy,” Cole whispers to Zane. “So much therapy.”

“I’ve already booked us,” Zane murmurs back, sliding his phone back in his pocket. “If the office can simply manage not get blown for one more week this time, we might actually make it."

******************

While they do, however, manage to stay quiet for most of that scene — and isn’t Cole wildly impressed with them for that — the next scene kind of shoots that victory right into tiny little pieces.

“Why are we being so mean to you now?” Cole exclaims, flabbergasted, as the poor Lloyd onscreen looks seconds from tears, the rest of the team staring down at him with firm glares.

“Shh, this is getting dramatic,” Lloyd hushes him.

Nya gets a look on her face that promises murder, and Kai refuses point-blank to be shushed.

“What a bunch of jerks. We’d never do something like that, I’m going to have words with some people—”

“Jamanakai,” Lloyd just says, wearily. “Rooftop. All night.”

Kai deflates, sinking into his seat. “S’not the same,” he mutters, fiercely. “We never said all those mean things to you.”

Lloyd gently pats his arm. “There, there,” he says. “I know you didn’t mean it.”

“I never said it! It’s — it’s that imposter on screen, that’s who!”

“Kai, I know—”

Lloyd is interrupted by an unfortunately-timed declaration from the onscreen Jay.

“Now, we hate you.”

Lloyd blinks, almost surprised at the slight flare of hurt that sparks in his chest at that. Which is stupid, because these directors don’t know them, and that’s not really Jay, but hey, why not play into his worst fears, movie—

Then “Jay!” is hissed in scandalized unison, and Lloyd stuffs said worst fears back into box and tries not to snicker at the look on his brother’s face.

“It’s not me!” Jay defends desperately, waving his hands wildly. “That’s not me!”

“Deleting all data related to treating Lloyd as a friend.”

Jay is saved as everyone turns on Zane, who just buries his face in his hands. “Let it end,” he moans.

******************

Apart from being shocked that Sensei Wu is actually going with his ninja on their quest for the Ultimately Ultimate Weapon—

“It’s ultimate ultimate, did you miss that trip-inducing scene they explained it with?”

—they aren’t as surprised by things anymore after that, having caught on to the movie’s flow. It’s a little more slapstick than they’re used to, all bright colors and quick action, but it’s enjoyable to watch Garmadon and Sensei Wu snipe at each other, at least.

“Ten bucks says he survives just fine,” Cole says blandly, as Sensei Wu goes plummeting toward the river.

Not one of them take him up on that wager.

“Geez, they’re really roasting us for being morons in this, huh,” Jay observes, as their onscreen counterparts take the clearly-a-trap route, as per Garmadon’s advice.

Lloyd, who is still stewing about having his voice made fun of, bites out, “I think it’s pretty valid, for some of us.”

“Oh, suck it up already, Lloyd. Your voice changed anyways, get over it.”

“Are you saying I sounded ridiculous before?”

“Uh, no-o…?”

“Oh, there we go, getting humiliated again,” Nya sighs, as the ninja are cornered by Garmadon’s ex-generals. “I wonder why they didn’t give us our powers. You’d think they’d have capitalized on that, it’d look pretty cool.”

“Who knows. I’m still trying to figure out if my character’s love for music is a clever reference to me and my dad’s singing background, or just a shallow attempt to give me character at all,” Cole muses. They turn back to the movie just in time to wince in unison as the ninja onscreen flee, leaving Lloyd and Garmadon to be captured.

Kai is less than pleased with this development.

“Oh, so we’re just leaving Lloyd behind now? Who wrote this movie, I wanna talk.”

******************

By the time Garmadon’s teaching Lloyd how to throw bricks from a roof to some sappy soundtrack, then relocating his dislocated shoulder in a wild tone change, they’re mostly lost for words.

Also kind of enjoying the movie, though no one will admit it. The expressions are funny, and there are some lines that hit home. Sure, Lloyd spends a good ten minutes alternating between sputtering and gaping when Garmadon describes their family history, and only proceeds to get worse when everyone else receives powers and he gets a cute little tree branch, but it is fun to watch their onscreen counterparts run around to “I’ve Got the Power” playing cheerfully in the background. Plus, no one tries to ostracize Lloyd again, and it’s oddly satisfying to watch Garmadon get eaten by a giant cat, so by the time Lloyd’s trying to hide suspicious sniffling into the empty popcorn tub while his onscreen counterpart is giving Garmadon his big sappy speech about forgiveness, they might actually give the movie a decent rating.

Cole’s just happy they haven’t been thrown out yet, because they’ve really been pushing it this whole time. But finally, it seems like everyone’s settled down and is keeping perfectly quiet—

“What do you mean, he gets to keep the cat?”

Cole’s hopes and dreams go up in sad, despairing smoke.

“Wait, that’s what’s bothering you?” Nya blinks. “Not the whole, ‘this Lloyd gets his entire family back happy’ part, but the cat part?”

“Well yeah, I’m upset about the cat part!” Lloyd exclaims indignantly. “He gets a giant cat! The size of a skyscraper! What kind of raw deal did my grandfather cut me here, I didn’t even get to keep my dragon! This is so dumb, and — and oh look, now my dad’s all happy and stuff—”

Nya and Zane glance around in alarm. The movie-goers around them seem to be losing the last, lingering shreds of their patience, and Cole wisely decides that this might be a nice time to make an exit. The movie looks like it’s about over, anyways, and—

“—and what, they just have happy family dinners together now?!”

Yeah, they’re leaving.

******************

“Well, that was…enlightening,” Zane says blankly, as they exit the theater. He still looks tragically annoyed at the way the producers decided to portray him, but he’s mostly recovered by now. Probably because he torched his little movie poster on the way out, but who are they to judge.

“I think you mean infuriating,” Kai mutters, glaring at the theater as they leave it behind.

“I don’t know, it wasn’t so bad,” Nya says. “Like, they obviously decided to go for Lloyd’s very sensitive personal life as a focus point, so at least the rest of us got off alright.”

“Giant cat,” Lloyd mourns, clearly still more hung-up on that than Ninjago’s apparent obsession with his family drama.

“I just wanna try that lightning thing later,” Jay says. “Know any doors I can practice busting open dramatically?”

“Yeah, the door to the producer’s office,” Kai grumbles.

“Enough, guys,” Cole sighs. “It was a lot better than it could’ve been. Let’s just be happy the city still likes us enough to make us the heroes.”

They all nod at that, placated for now, at least. They fall into silence, carefully navigating their way home, until Jay breaks the quiet.  

“Your heroes on the wa-a-ay,” Jay murmurs. He’s met with five looks of equal disappointment. “What?” he shrugs. “It’s catchy.”

Cole rolls his eyes, and Kai scoffs. They fall back into silence for a beat, their footsteps the only sound on the street, then—

“Something-something save the da-a-ay,” Lloyd hums.

Jay beams, and Kai moans. Nya just grins. “Gonna something-something pla-a-ace—”

“That takes us higher!”

They dissolve into snickers, their mix of off-key singing echoing across the Ninjago City streets. Cole spares a sigh of despair at their attempt, but he can’t help grinning too. It is a catchy song, and, to be fair, for trying to capture their general team spirit, it comes pretty close.

A lot closer than half that movie did, he frowns. Though he does still want that shirt his counterpart wore.

“Hey,” Jay speaks up. “Let’s learn that Garmadon song next. We can sing it to him in battle.”

“Oh, now you’re talking.”

[luluwquidprocrow]

love was made for me and you (and you)

originally posted: february 15th, 2019

word count: 22,821 words

rated: teen

beatrice baudelaire/bertrand baudelaire/lemony snicket, beatrice baudelaire/lemony snicket, beatrice baudelaire/bertrand baudelaire

violet baudelaire, klaus baudelaire, beatrice baudelaire, lemony snicket, bertrand baudelaire, kit snicket, the duchess of winnipeg, dewey denouement, olivia caliban, beatrice snicket

alternate universe – modern setting, alternate universe – everybody lives/nobody dies, alternate universe – parent trap fusion, family, romantic comedy, humor, with occasional required sad undertones, screenplay/script format, less of a fic and more of an outline but one hell of an outline, with enthusiastic swearing by yours truly, referenced but very background kit/dewey and duchess/olivia

Summary:

[so beatrice is nicholas, lemony is elizabeth, violet is annie, klaus is hallie, bertrand is the absolute worst at being meredith because he is a Genuinely Nice Person so honestly he’s really not meredith at all, and those parallels are all a little loose anyway because i moved places and conversations and character roles and basically everything around, everyone is just a mess. where is vfd????? i sure don't know.]

Notes:

back in march 2018, the good the iconic the legendary the CLASSIC ace attorney parent trap au came back on my dash and I decided to rewatch the parent trap a few days later, and as I was watching it, I thought, ‘i wonder how that would work with asoue, and lemony and beatrice, and of course with them getting together with bertrand,’ because I will of course ship the three of them together in any fic I can, but I told myself ‘girl, you cannot write this fic. you have too many other fics to write, you canNOT write this fic.’

I then told myself, ‘well, yeah, okay, but that doesn’t mean I can’t outline it.’

and then the outline spun wildly out of control, to the point where i was never going to write it as a full actual fic because it wasn't going to work like that anymore, but also to the point where it had a life of its own and was in my opinion somehow still worth reading like an actual fic. this is over 20k of a lemonberry ice parent trap au half-fic/half-outline/half-weird-script/wonderful mess of conversations and headcanons, and I genuinely hope my weirdly detailed ramblings (and unapologetic swearing) bring people as much unbridled joy as they bring me. I wrote this with the intention to have fun, and I hope!! you have fun too!!!

I think you can get through this with a working knowledge of the parent trap movie (1998 version) but a thorough knowledge is also very good

title obviously corrupted from love by nat king cole

.

lemony and beatrice, young and definitely foolish and definitely in love but totally not thinking this through, marry (fairly soon after college) and beatrice has twins, violet and klaus (violet is two minutes older, their birthday in this splits the difference between (what I personally image to be) their canon birthdays, so that’s, what, january 8th or something???? first I had it as the 3rd but nick and liz marry in the movie on january 8th and I was like ‘well that’s not too big a change to make in the name of a good reference’).

not long after, their marriage dissolves (for, well, pretty much canon reasons???? I mean like with less accusations of arson and criminal activity. lemony has Radical Commitment Issues and beatrice is Impulsive and Angry and Not Taking Anyone’s Shit and honestly how they made it through marriage and having kids with all those problems completely in tact and never doing anything about them is anyone’s guess, love is Occasionally Not Cool), they divorce, and lemony takes violet and beatrice takes klaus.

they both leave The City which I have always imagined as new york even though i’ve never spent a second there in my life, but anyway, beatrice does go to california (she likes the weather, but she does not end up in sanfran (danhan’s hometown) – the part of me simultaneously obsessed with a different fandom is screaming santa barbara!!!! but no i’m going to stick with the movie and say although she’s not in a vineyard she is in napa), the idea of lemony just being in england as like, a concept, and especially with a broken heart, is hilarious to me

kit: do I have to confiscate your copy of keats?

kit: do I?

kit: do I, lemony??????

beatrice raises klaus with the help of the duchess of winnipeg (and ramona’s delightfully sentimental and frankly adorable wife, olivia caliban, I will sail this ship single-handedly I guess) (what is ramona doing in california????? OH MAN DO I FINALLY GET TO BUST OUT THIS LINE I TOOK OUT OF THE BAYBEA FIC

ramona: have you seen winnipeg lately???

ramona: there’s not much for me to duchess over.

actually it’s probably that ramona’s mother is still alive in this (otherwise what would be the POINT of everybody lives/nobody dies modern au???? fucking fight me) and she takes care of winnipeg and ramona was like ‘…...canada’s not doing it for me’ and her mother was like ‘canada doesn’t do it much for anyone, dear.’ and ramona skedaddled to california with olivia, which worked out because they have banging careers as artists out in california.) (ramona paints (she likes watercolors and pastels), olivia actually writes historical fiction lesbian romance novels (where everyone also lives!!! she writes an on point jazz age novel only everyone lives and it’s great) (why historical fiction??? olivia is a sucker for romance and loves big sweeping romance epics….and ramona) (are her books just. period piece self-inserts with her and ramona??? well why the FUCK not), they are both………..really too good for this world.) (anyway bea has zero (0) family with which to raise klaus so ramona and olivia offer to help her out. out of the goodness of their hearts and long-standing friendship, not because they have any experience raising a child. they do not. have any experience.)

and lemony raises violet with the help of his sister. kit and dewey get together earlier, and have their daughter earlier (violet’s….five or six when she’s born?), and name her (obvs not beatrice) bernadette (I have Specific Reasons for naming her bernadette, however that is in my giant list of bernadette headcanons, which is a whole other Thing). beatrice is an actress (klaus can’t act for shit, sorry), lemony is a writer (violet doesn’t have a poetic bone in her body, sorry). (but violet can act and klaus is pretty good at putting words together.)

ELEVEN YEARS AGO BY, or, well, eleven and a half, I guess, eleven and a half delightful years filled with the following –

-lemony and beatrice fervently denying they ever married each other and trying to forget the other even exists, what do you mean you have photographic evidence, we were definitely not married

-ramona’s mother briefly going to california to tell three grown women how to change a diaper

-klaus, age one and a half, crawling up the staircase in their house all by himself to get to the library, beatrice promptly dies out of sheer terror

(true event. I did that.)

-violet getting ahold of a wrench at the same age and fixing one of the loose bars in her crib

(not a true event. I did not do that.)

-dewey and jacques, trying to fix the curtains in violet’s room, immediately and silently agreeing to never tell lemony they were The Worst Uncles In Existence for five seconds for accidentally dropping the wrench in violet’s crib

-beatrice training herself not to do a double-take every time she sees klaus with a book because he looks fleetingly like lemony, just for that second

-lemony lulling violet to sleep with a variety of accordion songs, violet’s favorite is his rendition of what he says is ‘a song about spending a day on the beach’ but is actually why I cry by the magnetic fields (particularly danhan’s rendition of it with ben gibbard.)

-hey I never said they were successful at forgetting each other, especially when the kids were kids

-a truly harrowing number of children’s birthday parties

-kit snicket, who firmly kept her maiden name, going through what she called ‘The Chillest Pregnancy In Existence, Look At Me, I’m Completely Fucking Calm’ in the middle of labor

-klaus going through a period where he only read poetry, which caused bea and ramona and olivia to speak in rhyme for a week

-violet insisting she could fix the toaster and promptly not fixing the toaster because nothing was wrong with the toaster (it just wasn’t plugged in.)

-beatrice appearing in a number of plays, klaus being enchanted when she’s in les mis and reading the book but, in fact, only finding the outrageously long sewer chapter interesting

-violet trying to write a poem for lemony for father’s day and rhyming ‘orange’ with ‘mortgage’

that summer, they both wind up sending violet and klaus to the same summer camp excursion, because what sort of comedy would this be without the wildest coincidence ever, honestly

kit drops violet off at the camp a la martin – will lemony get on a plane?? that is a resounding No (also he would have just cried the whole time. the whole time. the. whole. time.)

however lemony is the one who does the ‘fruits, vegetables’ thing, only before violet leaves, and he gives her a million hugs and honestly doesn’t want her to go to camp oh my god, it’s only because violet tells him he’s sort of squishing her that he stops hugging her, lemony is???? like the most concerned parent of all time

kit, meanwhile….

kit: I was going to give you a new dart set but I was informed that they would not let you through customs.

violet: uncle dewey told you, didn’t he.

kit: I married a real killjoy, violet.

I honestly cannot think of a scene for klaus to parallel hallie meeting glasses and tie dye girl while getting her duffel bag. I thought of putting the quagmires in this but I think that’s…...pushing the identical envelope a little here (would’ve been worth it though for the brief note I used to have here that was just isadora shouting ‘HOW DID THEY TAKE SO LONG TO REALIZE THEY WERE RELATED THEY LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE’)

i’m sure they hang out with like-minded people before running into each other, it’s a good camp and they literally never talk to those other characters again anyway, which is, a real shame

we can all at least rest assured that klaus gets to camp in once piece regardless and doesn’t have a conversation about darts and airport customs, anyway beatrice, ramona, and olivia each smuggle a deck of cards into his suitcase as a surprise and he has three card decks and impresses all the other kids in his cabin with a giant architecturally sound house of cards made to resemble thoreau’s cabin at walden pond

hey annie and hallie are both allergic to strawberries and KLAUS AND VIOLET ARE ALLERGIC TO PEPPERMINTS

before they meet there’s probably a moment like with marva sr and the strawberries (I just had a horrifying thought that JEROME is the camp counselor (esme is nowhere in this. olaf is nowhere in this.) and that’s…………..awful, but, as I was writing the following scene, you know who I wrote him more like?????? arthur fucking poe, what did I just fucking do, honestly poe is a WORSE choice but…...well

mr. poe: we have peppermint brownies today!

[I just saw someone on the food network make peppermint cheesecake brownies and I want them so bad]

klaus: oh, i’m allergic

mr. poe: oh, well, please live

mr. poe: I cannot perform cpr

klaus: …………………………………………………………….shouldn’t you maybe –

mr. poe: for your own personal safety and especially my own i’m going to have to ask you to step away from the brownies

[violet shows up on mr poe’s other side]

violet: oh! peppermint, i’m allergic

mr. poe: another – didn’t I just see you? how did your hair get longer that fast? that’s not an allergic reaction, is it?

violet: ……………………………………………………………...i don’t think that’s –

mr. poe: i’m going to eat this entire brownie pan to save lives, but also because I want these brownies

he came out more like show!poe instead of book!poe but, I do not care, no one cares about mr. poe.

SO, violet and klaus eventually do meet and have practically zero immediate animosity, also through fencing!!! lemony and bea are both canonically badass fencers but I stand by what I said in fight me, that lemony is the better fencer, and violet wins. klaus concedes his loss to a talented fencer. they take off their masks and are like WHOA WE LOOK REASONABLY SIMILAR

violet: I don’t know, I think your eyes might be little farther apart than mine.

klaus: oh, don’t worry, i’ll probably grow into them. it can take some time before people really grow into their faces.

however this does get them talking and they find out they have so much in common! they’re like, ‘you like books and only have one super weird parent??? what a coincidence!’

then they find out they both play cards. (this stays, cause poker games are gold and I am reasonably sure watching the parent trap so much as a kid was what instilled this love of ‘hilarious poker games’ in me because I used to jam them into my fanfics all the time.) (also explains why I only know two poker hands….)

they hold an (amicable!) poker game that night with all the campers, and they do like a round robin tournament sort of thing and swap tips all night until it’s just the two of them facing each other, and klaus wins. (lemony is Pretty Good at cards and definitely taught violet BUT you’re damn right bea taught her kid how to count cards. not that klaus wins through cheating, he also has a natural talent and bea’s impeccable poker face. klaus also hangs out with ramona, who has repeatedly kicked lemony’s ass at cards as well.)

since they still have to wind up in the isolation cabin (because how else are they going to secretly plan swapping identities with NO GODDAMN COUNSELOR noticing???), CARMELITA is at camp and busts them for the poker game. she got eliminated pretty early in the game and camped out outside the cabin the rest of the kids were in waiting until someone won and then got mr. poe.

mr poe: gambling is not for children! unless of course you have a verified accountant or, perhaps, an established banker who wanted to embark on a personal journey and decided to run a camp for small children but has always wanted to go back and manage money again because, you know, even after the two scandals, I was good at – but we don’t have time for this, violet, klaus, it’s very irresponsible to try and get adults going on a tangent to avoid your responsibilities.

violet and klaus: but we didn’t –

mr poe: i’m afraid that I have no other choice but to send you to the isolation cabin.

carmelita: cakesniffers in the isolation cabin!!! CAKESNIFFERS IN THE ISOLATION CABIN!!!!

oh……..that was painful.

AT LEAST THE CABIN IS LIKE A NICE GOOD CABIN AND NOT the orphan shack, also like how far into the woods is the isolation cabin???? do the marvas really just leave kids out there?????? come on, marvas…..

and so our heroes get stuck in a windy lil cabin out in the woods.

what do they do when they hang out there, since they have Zero Animosity???? talk about books. read books. klaus does sketches of various local leaves. violet rewires the lamps so they don’t flicker and rigs up the windows so they don’t bang open in the middle of the night. the only thing they argue about is how to make toast, which isn’t even IN the cabin (unless violet makes something into a toaster), whatever

does klaus have a stuffed animal like cuppy???? damn straight he does. because why the hell not. (some boys play with dolls? SOME BOYS HAVE STUFFED ANIMALS)

i’m being really basic here but it’s a teddy bear BUT bea made lil wire glasses for it because klaus got glasses when he was real little so she thought he’d feel better if his favorite stuffed animal also had glasses (bea wears glasses but she HATES wearing them although I think after klaus gets glasses she tries to wear them more because bea is supportive as hell) (she needs new glasses though like they’re still these big thick black frames from her goth phase and she hates them but she hates the idea of an eye doctor appointment more) (bold of me to assume bea has ever honestly stopped having a goth phase, though…)

oh gosh what is the bear’s name

what’s something like super nerdy but cute for a small book-loving child to have named a bear

oh no, he names it kenneth. bea reads baby klaus the wind in the willows and he names his bear kenneth and this is so cute. I can’t fucking handle this, oh my god

honestly I am one of those people who thinks oreos w/ peanut butter would be pretty disgusting. (I mean, without the cream in the middle, sure, that probably tastes good, but like, with the cream and the peanut butter???? no) their snack of choice is………….hey isn’t there a snack in penultimate peril at the picnic it’s mentioned they like

or is just because I have that particular book within three feet of me, i’m gonna check

okay, it does mention that klaus likes custard eclairs, violet makes a smoked fish sandwich and wants to try the chocolate spread. maybe they just like oreos, sans peanut butter. I like oreos. (also, you can’t stash eclairs in a suitcase.

olivia, staring at a series of freshly-baked custard eclairs and a collection of tupperware containers: ….do you think I made too much??

ramona: olivia, he’s – he’s just going to summer camp.)

ANYWAY, how do they realize they’re siblings???? like???? how do

do they have half pictures in this??????? I think that’s honestly going to be the easiest way

like, of course lemony and beatrice would have a wedding picture, and they are both absolutely extra and dramatic enough to have each other’s half

it probably is still a ‘sitting at a table, staring lovingly at each other’ sort of thing, lemony in a white suit and beatrice in a suitably extravagant but actually still somehow very low-key for her wedding dress (there’s a lot of tulle though, like………..layers of tulle………………………..), their color scheme flower-wise was red and white roses because like, what fucking else would they pick at that time (they are only JUST convinced by like, jacques, probably, to do red/white instead of red/black, beatrice personally wanted purple/black)

kit gave violet the picture of beatrice, because while she hasn’t spoken to beatrice since her brother’s divorce, she does think lemony and bea could stand to talk to each other

(although I headcanon kit as the kind of person to firmly forget about past romances and put them behind her THROUGH ANY MEANS NECESSARY this is not strict asoue canon, and she always liked beatrice, anyway. lemony and bea breaking up isn’t like kit and olaf breaking up, which, i’m not even gonna try and touch in this)

klaus found the picture of lemony when he was reading through anna karenina (beatrice forgot she put it in there when she let klaus read it) and figured immediately that it had to be his father, and he kept it (maybe he showed it to ramona, who was like, ‘yep, that was your father. goodness, I forgot how awful his hair looked back then.’)

they’re probably reading some book about geography (klaus is into geography at the time)

klaus: my mother says that for my birthday next year, she’ll take me on a trip to see the famous hinterlands sunset.

violet: my father’s shown me pictures, but he agrees that it’s a lot prettier in person, but he’s also not one for planes.

klaus: well, I don’t believe hinterlands are technically confined to one geographical area, i’m sure there’s more than just in california – here, i’m sure there must be more information in the index.

violet: when’s your birthday, klaus?

klaus: january 8th.

violet: !!!! that’s my birthday!

klaus: !!! that is an extraordinary coincidence.

I never said these kids were smart.

klaus: violet, what’s your father like?

violet: he’s kind of quiet, but he’s very kind. oh, I have a picture of him – well, sort of –

she pulls out from one of her own books a picture of lemony, from behind, sitting at his desk at his typewriter, absolutely no recognizable features present whatsoever

violet: he didn’t know aunt kit was taking the picture, otherwise he would’ve turned around.

violet: actually, even then he probably wouldn’t have? he insists he’s not very photogenic.

violet: what about your father?

klaus: i’ve never met him. he’s – my mother doesn’t talk about him much, but I got the impression that they divorced shortly after I was born.

violet: oh, gosh. i’m sorry, klaus.

violet: ….sometimes I think I get that impression too, about my parents.

klaus: i’m sorry too, violet.

and if this were a snicket novel, insert soft, gentle explanation about divorce and commiseration and finding kindred spirits in your friends and how sometimes love does not work out and the affects we don’t realize it has on the children who watch it happen or see the aftermath and are left with the gnawing wonder of what went wrong and how violet and klaus each wonder, a little, what the cause was, and it can be very lonely, at the end of the day, to know that even if you have one parent who loves you very much, there is someone out there who may not love you at all, and never got the chance to know you to love you, and an even deeper part of you that wonders – no matter how young you were – were you the cause of it?

violet: oh, but I – I have a picture of my mother, my aunt kit gave it to me – I have it in my suitcase

violet: /gets up to get the picture

klaus: I, I have a picture of my father, too, in fact I think it’s stuck in this book somewhere in the back, I didn’t want to forget it

and

as violet goes to sit back down with the picture of her mother, the half-picture of beatrice from her wedding day, klaus pulls out from the index the half-picture of lemony from his wedding day

and they are

STUNNED

to realize

this is, of course, the exact same picture.

there’s a lot of hugging and crying.

so they realize they’re siblings!!! and then decide try to figure out what the hell even happened with their parents, because now that they know they’re fucking related and still somehow wound up meeting each other they realize that there has to be some incredibly detailed story behind the reasoning for their parents splitting up and now they have not just proof but an actual opportunity to find out and maybe, just maybe, get their parents back together in the process!!! it worked once!!! it could work again, why not!!!!!

AND SO THEY DECIDE TO SWAP PLACES. (contrary to hallie having the idea, it occurs to them at the same time.)

meanwhile

for the past, say, YEAR, or so, bea has been seeing bertrand, a friend from her childhood (just narrowly managing to keep it from klaus BECAUSE it will involve A Conversation About Lemony and Commitment and Marriage and Things Not Working Out and Falling In Love With Someone Else and look bea is good at a lot of things but it’s a really heavy subject for her that even after eleven years she hasn’t quite figured out how to parse, so she’s really been putting off trying to explain all of that to klaus, in a case of her vastly underestimating her son [bea you see all the books he reads…….talk to your son]), and things are going well between them and they love each other a lot and!!! they decide to get married.

how do they meet up again??? bertrand winds up going to one of her plays completely on accident. he’s been on the other side of the country for years and years and he happens to go to napa and hears about this play happening and he’s like ‘well that sounds really neat!’ because bertrand had a short-lived theater career in high school and doesn’t act all that much anymore but appreciates a good play! who doesn’t appreciate a good play??

(bertrand played lieutenant frank cioffi in his senior year production of curtains to rave local newspaper reviews. bea, meanwhile, gave a stunning performance as carmen bernstein [esme wanted to be carmen so fucking bad and she’s never forgotten that bea got the role instead, and that would not even factor into this au even if esme WAS in this au] [esme was, instead, jessica cranshaw (if it was a small school she maybe doubled as bambi), ramona was niki harris, olivia played johnny harmon, olaf was…...daryl grady……..which pains me to write cause the guy I had a crush on in high school played daryl, josephine and ike played georgia hendricks and aaron fox, jacquelyn and gustav were head of stage crew, lemony supported them all from the audience – unless lemony was sasha????!!!!!!!! okay lemony was totally sasha.]) (wow I got unnecessarily invested in their high school drama club.) (IS THEODORA THE DRAMA ADVISOR?????? oh my god. oh my god she’d be so bad at it but so good. i’m dying.

theodora: snicket you need to FLOURISH your baton with MUCH MORE GUSTO

lemony: I am going to flourish this baton right up your –

bertrand: HE’S DECIDED AGAINST IT THANK YOU MISS MARKSON)

(hey you ever write a parallel that’s so good you hate it????? olivia is johnny. olaf is daryl.)

(I usually headcanon bertrand as two years older than bea and lemony but for the purposes of this au they’re all the same age – however bertrand joined drama club first, and I picture lemony as more of a band kid than a drama kid, they probably just pull him in for curtains.

was lemony drum major???? I want to say ‘hell no’ but I also want to say ‘most cryptic drum major ever, lead the most bizarre championship performance in the school’s history, somehow still won’) (I wonder what song it was to???? that right there is where my secondhand band knowledge conks out.) (but if I HAD to supply ‘bizarre, cryptic song for championships’ I would probably pick like, david lynch’s dark night of the soul or something, idk.) (but like, listen to it and just imagine it with marching band instruments……….i kind of like it. i’m kind of digging it.)

ANYWAY BERTRAND LOVES SEEING PLAYS and he goes to see it and he has NO IDEA bea is even in it and he’s like SUPER THROWN to see her but also???? really excited! it’s been eleven years!!! he can talk to her!!!! he finds her after the play and bea immediately drops whatever she was holding and is just like???? absolutely breathless to see him again (it’s been ELEVEN YEARS, cats. oh god no it’s been more like FIFTEEN YEARS since bertrand has seen bea cause they haven’t spoken since high school oh no that hurts even MORE). a giantass hug is involved. bea spins bertrand around. they make plans to see each other later. then they start hanging out, and they like, reconcile from their weird high school fallout and have a really neat relationship)

(so

the high school fallout

lemony and bea and bertrand were all delightful friends since they were kids (well, lemony and bea were, bertrand moved to town and joined their class when they were freshman in high school). they all had stupid crushes on each other, uggg. there was. an incident. at the end of their school escapades that resulted in a falling out with bertrand (maybe they had an idea of how they all felt and just couldn’t or weren’t ready to figure it out and it sort of. drove a wedge between them. not on purpose, it was just the way it happened to work out, with teenage emotions and refusing to talk about things and uncertainty. lemony+bea and bertrand went their separate ways after graduation, lemony and bea married right out of college, bertrand does his own thing, life goes on.) (maybe there was like some prom drama about who was gonna take who and who asked who first or something (at my junior prom, I was ready to kill the guy I asked who turned me down for that very reason). I mean that’s legit???? prom drama is incredibly legit. why is there so much drama at prom??????)

(honestly after going back and writing the production of curtains and remembering the (specifically romance-related) drama I witnessed happening among the drama club at my high school (I wasn’t in drama but I had a startling number of friends who were) i’m surprised they had the drama at prom and not in the middle of drama club, but i’m still going to stand by ‘prom drama.’)

(and I feel like it was prom drama of the type that’s like, low-key there and A Thing people think about but no one talks about or addresses so the whole night is real awkward and you worry something is gonna break out at any second but nothing does but you’re still obsessively on your toes about it. like, that simultaneously high-strung just-there high school romance drama angst that’s just this ever-present layer coloring everything that people say and do, hyped up specifically because it’s PROM. they probably all danced with each other and the dances were all cut short because of Feelings and Awkwardness and no one knew what to do, the whole damn night.)

and like, bertrand, going off to college and a little heartbroken but unwilling to try and do anything about it, is upset, but bertrand is also bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire, and honestly he wants them to be happy (bertrand is……..very non-confrontational……….and it is honestly his downfall, he likes to have fun and be nice and kind, and to acknowledge scary things is to actually deal with them and that scares bertrand so much, he buries a lot of things – so do bea and lemony, and in fact all of vfd, but in very different ways. bertrand has achieved a sort of Chill™ that bea and lemony just do not have) so he just goes on with his life, he does date other people but nothing ends in marriage, he becomes a librarian in maine and is actually only in california originally for a few months to help manage some of the collections at local libraries. then he runs into bea and he doesn’t like INTEND for a romance to happen (and neither does bea, which I also firmly stand behind for their canon romance too), he still planned to leave at the end of the few months, but it happens and bertrand feels a lot more secure in himself and his feelings about people than he did in high school and they really do love each other, a lot

oh he went to college for library science!!!! obviously lemony majored in lit and bea majored in theater and music)

(OH NO WAS BERTRAND AT THE WEDDING?????? oh no bertrand was not at the wedding. I mean he’s certainly invited but bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire is also bertrand ‘vaguely heartbroken, does not want to interfere, can actually honestly only take so much’ baudelaire and he says that he’ll be unable to make it. sigh. I want to say he sends a sweet wedding gift or even just flowers but man that makes me so sad to think about lemony and bea getting that on/around their wedding day and THEM being sad and i’m too sad now, bertrand does not send a gift. (he’s torn up about not sending a gift for some time. years later, walking through an antique shop, he is struck with the ‘Years Later But Still Feels Like It Just Happened And Oh Shit Why Did I Do That’ brand of Lingering Awful Anxiety™ about all that.)

HE DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT THE DIVORCE until he meets up with bea and she tells him.

bertrand: so how’s lemony????

beatrice: ahahhahahhahahhahhahahhahhahhahhahhahahaaaa!!!!!!

beatrice: ahahaha

beatrice: ahaha.

beatrice: …….oh you genuinely do not know oh shit i’m sorry

(I wanted so badly to put in my ‘bertrand and olivia were good cute friends and actually are penpals and like lemony and ramona’s ongoing card game they have an ongoing checkers game’ headcanon but it just. won’t. fit. in. here. cause why wouldn’t olivia have told him about the divorce???? I mean it’s bea’s thing to tell, NOT olivia’s, but to occasionally write to bertrand for YEARS and never mention she and ramona live with bea?????? I think that’s a little much.)

(does bertrand ever try and convince bea to reconcile with lemony???? I feel like at this point in his life he WOULD but bea would have very early on and very firmly vetoed that. and bertrand wouldn’t necessarily be happy about it but respects her wishes. not because he wants bea all to himself. but because bertrand is also quite frankly still. a little nervous re: navigating relationships. like he’s for sure A LOT BETTER at it now but like!!!! especially with lemony like bertrand is TERRIFIED of seeing lemony again. he really is. I think he thinks lemony blames him for stuff even though lemony does not. and I don’t want it to seem like bertrand’s……….just sort of swooping in and taking bea and not letting her talk to lemony????? cause it’s not that, it’s not that at all

they do really love each other

and just because bertrand’s grown as a person doesn’t mean he’s PERFECT

and bea certainly Does Not want to talk to lemony

it’s just, nick never mentions to meredith that hallie’s a twin and meredith HATES hallie and annie anyway, but bertrand does not hate kids and I just wonder, has bea told him about violet???????? like why wouldn’t she????????

so I mean yeah they probably have talked about it, and probably still came to the same conclusion, bea Does Not want to talk to lemony either, just, not right now, and yeah bertrand isn’t delighted about it but he’s like ‘alright, okay.’ because he still understands her reasoning and for all his talk he really doesn’t want to talk to lemony either

but it’s, I think it’s a thing, in the back of their minds, a worry that hits them sometimes, have they done something wrong, trying to forget)

(and this is why planning takes so much time because I always have so many stupid questions about characters)

(when bea and lemony were young and in college and extraordinarily drunk they would come up with new titles for bertrand, because they forgot they were trying not to talk about him

beatrice: bertrand ‘best hair this side of the mississippi’ baudelaire

lemony: bertrand ‘smooth hands’ baudelaire

beatrice: bertrand –

beatrice: wait do you mean like, his legit hands or like what he DOES with his hands

lemony, trying very hard not to think about Doing Things with Hands: ……..both

lemony: I definitely mean both

beatrice: good, I agree

beatrice: bertrand ‘i WILL dance the charleston and no one will stop me and I do not care’ baudelaire

lemony: bertrand ‘softest reading voice’ baudelaire

lemony: no no, wait, bertrand ‘BEST reading voice’ baudelaire, remember when he read ee cummings

beatrice: bertrand ‘i read lord of the flies and cried at the end’ baudelaire

lemony: oh bea are you complimenting him or being mean

beatrice: lemony I read lord of the flies and threw it out the fucking window when that kid killed piggy

beatrice: that was a compliment)

(ee cummings is because I have a scene in another fic where bertrand reads ‘maggie and milly and molly and may’ to beatrice and lemony and gosh…..i hope I get to use it at some point, it was a beautiful scene)

(they probably stop talking about bertrand like, sophomore year of college, idk, it just gets too hard and they become really miserable drunk nineteen-year-olds about it, and that’s not cool) (AT LEAST THEY HAVE THE WHEREWITHAL TO DO THAT)

ANYWAY, back to violet and klaus, who are still at camp and have decided to switch places!

ultimately, violet (like hallie) is supposed to find out how bea and lemony got together, and klaus (like annie) is supposed to find out why they broke up

violet cuts her hair (she’s a little bummed because she likes her hair but at least it won’t get in her way when inventing) and pierces klaus’s ears (klaus is so UP FOR THIS he’s very excited, also he keeps himself calm during it by telling violet the history of ear piercing) (these kids are either canonically very good at rationalizing or it’s just me radically projecting again…..or both), klaus practices wandering around without glasses (he bumps into EVERYTHING), violet practices how to fucking wear glasses and not die (she falls over EVERYTHING), of course violet already has an appreciation for books but she has to get the definition thing down (and growing up with lemony ‘a phrase which here means’ snicket left her with a pretty unorthodox idea of word meanings sometimes

klaus: so an optimist is someone who sees a positive side in any situation, like –

violet: say, if their arm was bit off by an alligator, a pessimist would say, “ahh! my arm!” and an optimist would say, “well, this isn’t too bad, no one will wonder if i’m right or left handed now.”

klaus: ……….what sort of person is our father

violet: he’s very specific about words.)

klaus has to figure out?????? how to invent on the fly????? (he’s seen beatrice macgyver a million things together but he’s still not sure how she does it) and the two of them teach each other about their lives, beatrice and lemony, ramona and olivia and kit and dewey and bernadette

violet: bernadette is really delightful, but you need to watch out for her

klaus: well, she is six years old –

violet: no, I mean, she can appear at a moment’s notice, and I don’t know who taught her how to pick locks, because I certainly didn’t and father can’t pick locks, but she can do it in under seven seconds.

(jacques taught her how to pick locks (he also taught violet). I don’t know where vfd fits into all this or if it even does in this fanfic but like, just try and tell me these guys don’t still act like absurd spies in any universe anyway.) (also I think lockpicking is, in general, a handy life skill, even if you aren’t living the absurd spy life.)

klaus: mother is, um

klaus: a little embarrassing

violet: how so?

klaus: she once scaled a ten foot wall because I forgot my lunch.

(ramona: hey so why did becoming a parent rob you of your top-notch secrecy skills?

[not necessarily, though, I mean, she does a great job scaling the ten-foot wall in complete secrecy. bea just, has a lot of love for her son, and is VERY OBVIOUS ABOUT IT, is the thing]

beatrice: ramona have you SEEN my son

beatrice: I will take a BULLET for him

beatrice: preferably in a non-critical area so we can hang out afterwards.

beatrice: but if I have to embarrass the shit out of him to make sure he eats, I WILL)

violet: father is the same way, a little. he keeps crying on the first day of school and I don’t have the heart to break it to him that I might be too old for that.

klaus: mother calls encouraging phrases from the car, which I think she does to prevent me from walking into school too fast.

violet: you know, they really sound like they were made for each other.

(lemony and bea, like, separately, are such legit disaster parents and I love them, they love their kids so damn much.)

the last day of camp comes, and it is time for them to officially swap places – violet goes to beatrice, klaus goes to lemony!

klaus recites book themes to himself the whole plane ride to england to keep himself calm because he’s trying not to think about how worried and excited he is!!! he’s going to meet his father for the first time!! truth be told, he knows pretty much nothing about lemony, even after talking to violet!!! IT’S A LOT FOR ANY KID TO TAKE IN, to suddenly think ‘yeah this was a good plan – oh fuck’

anyway, he meets kit at the airport, because kit is there to pick up violet. (kit and violet do not have a secret handshake. they have, of course, dart-throwing contests. of course that doesn’t make sense in an airport, but whatever. that’s their thing.)

why does kit pick klaus up at the airport instead of lemony??? I mean kit is in martin’s role but she’s NOT martin, you know, she’s lemony’s sister and definitely does not wait on him, but she does drop violet off at camp anyway, although in the movie that’s to prevent elizabeth (and nick) from showing up until the kids switch for Maximum Emotional Impact, but like lemony is obviously not THAT fucking busy he can’t pick up his own daughter

I had the thought that like kit is maybe his manager (on the side, otherwise she has….god some other job)??? does that work for a writer???? i’m a writer and I don’t even know. whatever. and kit maybe scheduled a reading that day by accident months in advance and couldn’t change it, or it runs long, so she has to get violet (klaus) from the airport

(moxie is still his editor, only she lives way out of town and they send angry emails to each other all the time about his work)

also ties in with hallie’s scene where she looks at elizabeth’s vanity and says she’s super cool about the wedding dresses cause I love that scene a LOT and I want klaus to think his stupid dad’s cool!!!

kit: violet, I am all for the beginning of your teenage rebellion with this new hairstyle but I should inform you that your father may just die.

klaus: you think he won’t like it??

[read: YOU THINK HE WON’T LIKE ME]

kit: he’ll probably come around to it. he’s still at his reading, do you want to surprise him?

klaus: !!!!!!

klaus: yes!

the reading is huge. I have no damn idea what lemony writes in this au, definitely not danhan’s stuff cause it’s not his vibe, but he still writes the picture books (although there are YEARS between them irl he wrote the composer is dead and the dark for bernadette before she became, in her words, Too Old For That Sort of Thing although she still secretly really likes them and reads the dark every night before she goes to bed. bernadette, in contrast to babybea, is fucking terrified of the dark but tries to like rationalize it out by thinking through the science of light or something, and then by just rereading the dark), oh he probably like, okay so he can’t just write asoue but he probably writes some other great children’s book series with the same sort of writing style and moral discussion, and the picture books

and violet told klaus he wrote stuff and bea like…..knows he does and refuses to talk about it but reads ramona’s copies in the middle of the night (and then has to stop doing that cause it bums her out too much), but klaus has no idea about it or how good it is and he’s so impressed, sitting at the back of this giant giant theater, and klaus loves books, he loves them with all his heart, and to sit there and see his father, for the first time in his whole life, doing something that klaus thinks is so incredibly cool

klaus: wow.

okay, so, the damn relief and happiness on lemony’s face when he sees kit and klaus

has he been imagining terrible airplane accidents for the past week? weeks? MONTHS??? yes he has.

he sees them once he gets offstage and immediately runs at this child (or, at least, definitely fastwalks.) and sweeps klaus up into this giant giant hug

klaus is!!! overwhelmed by the amount of sheer unadulterated love in this hug oh no i’m crying

putting aside that he’s pretending to be violet, this is the first time he gets a hug from his father and even if lemony thinks he’s violet klaus is still the one getting the hug and it’s just, a lot, man, it’s a lot, that scene in the movie where elizabeth hugs hallie is exactly the vibe right here god it’s so fucking sweet

lemony: oh, goodness – what happened to your hair?

klaus: I – I cut it. do you –

lemony is in the process of remembering that scissors and haircuts exist, he’s a little blindsided here

lemony: no, no – haircuts are things that happen, at one time or another, to all of us.

lemony: i’m just so happy that you’re back.

he just. hugs klaus again. god I can’t handle how much lemony loves his kids. klaus is really emotional and I’M really emotional I have to move on

on the ride home (kit is still driving)

lemony: so how was it at camp?

klaus: /frantically thinking of how he’s going to pull off something violet would say now that he’s HERE and has to act like her and decides to just be honest and hope it comes out okay

klaus: I had a lot of fun; the outdoors are incredibly pulchritudinous.

lemony: /thoroughly convinced that the outdoors has finally instilled violet with a greater poetic sense

I NEVER SAID THEIR PARENTS WERE SMART EITHER

do you know how wild the plot of this movie really is, when you get down to it, parents not recognizing their kids wtf have I done

violet can act pretty passably as klaus, but klaus, even employing beatrice’s acting techniques, just can’t act. but the one who finds him out is bernadette, like half an hour after he gets home.

[you can tell what scenes originally started this outline because they’re actually written like scenes, this was one of them]

[bernadette stares at klaus with wide, curious eyes over the top of her book. “you’re not violet,” she says.

the bottom of klaus’s stomach drops clear out. “what?”

“violet doesn’t squint when she’s confused,” bernadette says. “she frowns and puts her hair up. and it’s something she’s used to doing, so even if her hair was cut, she’d still reach for a ribbon, out of habit. you’re klaus. shouldn’t you have glasses? mother says aunt beatrice wore glasses.”

“how – how did you know about me?”

bernadette rolls her eyes. “i know everything,” she says loftily, for a six year old. “i can read, after all.”]

bernadette is the best kid. so I love babybea so much but babybea in canon is like…..still very on point but very quiet about it, because she’s grown up with really so little interaction with people????? she’s like a really subdued kid because she’s had to be so independent and do so many things herself. and she’s got her firm, almost unshakable optimism. so bernadette is still very quick and clever but a LOT more precocious about it and pretty boisterous for six years old and just. even more like kit than babybea is. her optimism is a little more…..sharp in this. I don’t think she understands embarrassment, as a thing that people experience, because she sure doesn’t. she’s just like, ‘well why don’t you just try again??????’ and it’s so great to see that inherent commitment to existence in a six year old

(an important sidenote from my bernadette headcanon list, though, is that she really does just read everything. she reads cereal boxes and magazines and reports and all the papers on lemony’s desk and really just absolutely anything she can get her hands on, and she’s easily bored so she goes looking for stuff sometimes and she’s good at putting things together, so that’s how she knows about klaus.)

[“i’m not gonna tell anybody,” she says. “i wanna see what happens. uncle lemony’s kind of lonely, you know? and aunt beatrice – when they talk about her – always sounded really nice.”]

bernadette makes it her MISSION to help klaus act more like violet and cover for him as much as she can

bernadette: you need to walk different

bernadette: and hold yourself a little taller

bernadette: here, keep this wrench in your pocket, violet likes wrenches

bernadette: and this ribbon!!! she didn’t give you any????

bernadette: oh, make sure you stare off into the distance while eating and think about machines or something

klaus: how do you notice all these things???

bernadette: ?????? doesn’t everybody?????? she’s your sister, you two didn’t follow each other around to try and pin down how you act????

klaus: …..do you do that, bernadette

bernadette: regularly. I can impersonate anyone’s footsteps. except my mother’s, because I think she keeps wearing different shoes on purpose. i’ll show you sometime.

so, armed with This Random Wrench and a lot of acting details that he can’t process very well, klaus HANGS OUT WITH LEMONY

so klaus spends a lot of time in the library in lemony’s house (which also doubles as lemony’s office, it’s big enough that he and violet can take separate corners and know each other’s there but not run into each other if they don’t want to (especially good for klaus pretending to be violet because no one has to see him TOTALLY FAIL AT INVENTING)), and it has so many books and klaus is so thrilled

klaus has to try and bring up bea and find out how they met, only, DISCREETLY

[gosh this one is a lot harder without “so doesn’t designing all those wedding dresses make you think about getting married again?”, especially because the truly spectacular “f word” line doesn’t make sense with lemony but what can you do]

he probably goes up to lemony while lemony’s at his desk because klaus figures, the easiest way could be to relate to something on the desk

AS purposeful narrative coincidence LUCK WOULD HAVE IT lemony is looking for something in his desk and you know lemony keeps the most inconsequential things and has accidentally dug out his plaque for ‘one semester of cheerleader participation’

klaus, immediately thrown by this news: you were a cheerleader?

lemony: mm? oh, my, I forgot about that.

he smiles at the plaque and dusts it off and my heart is m e l t i n g

lemony: yes, in high school. I wasn’t the only boy on the team, as a matter of fact. a – a friend of mine did it with me.

klaus: why were you on the cheerleading squad?

lemony, trapped in this conversation now: well – your mother was on the soccer team. I was not what you would call athletically inclined at the time, so I joined to support her.

klaus: !!!!!!!

klaus: my – my mother?

this was a fact he did not know about beatrice, as a matter of fact

lemony, realizing that children are going to be curious about their parents and, well, okay, it’s been eleven years, I probably won’t see beatrice again (ahahahahaha.), and my child deserves to know: yes. she was very good at soccer, among other talents, although she didn’t last very long in her soccer career.

klaus: why not?

[if this man was PAYING ATTENTION he would have noticed for sure that klaus is much more straightforward than violet.]

lemony, remembering that time beatrice launched herself across the soccer field and accidentally tackled the assistant coach and dragged him through the mud: she and the coach disagreed on some of the physical aspects of the game.

klaus, dying to hear what lemony’s going to say: what was she like?

lemony, immediately remembering the details of their divorce but also a series of Shenanigans from their school days that he should never repeat to anyone, then resolving to be kind about it: very charming and resourceful.

lemony: she had a great deal of verve.

lemony: I see a lot of it in you.

klaus is touched, I’M touched, god fucking dammit

klaus resolves to leave it there and decides to dig around lemony’s desk later for other things about bea and lemony when lemony isn’t looking

which he promptly does, that night.

klaus sees his typewriter and pictures of kit and jacques and there’s probably one of ramona (in a drawer) (sorry, ramona.) and in a secret compartment in the desk is a pic of bea (maybe one of bertrand too?) (definitely one of bertrand too) and some letters from bea (klaus recognizes her handwriting)

(watch it be something like, some stupid candygram she sent him for valentine’s day that says dear lemony, [the content of this candygram has been censored by the school administration] love bea!!!!!) (bea gets detention for a week for the content of the candygram.) (the second candygram gets through but it’s only because bea writes it so thoroughly in code that the school administration, at a passing glance, cannot see how raunchy it is. but also very heartfelt. it is genuinely heartfelt.) (so of course he has some from bertrand too. because bertrand sent everyone a candygram. they’re all so friendly but so sweet and so cute and bertrand’s just breaking my heart in this whole fic I love him so much) (they’re stuff like, i’m so happy we’re friends! happy valentine’s day! i made sure this candygram doesn’t have anything that will conflict with your peanut allergy! like some fucking NERD and i’m SOBBING) (because you know bertrand was on student council and helped with the candygrams, bea and lemony were definitely not on student council)

(bea: what gets me is that they still sent it!! they censored my loving sonnet about your ass but they still sent it!!!!!!

bertrand: I guess nothing stops true love?

lemony: or, nothing stops beatrice mariner. [you’d have to kill me before I conceded to ‘beatrice kornbluth.’ anyway one of kornbluth’s pen names was mariner so that’s my compromise.])

klaus thinks the candygrams are so fucking embarrassing and also had no idea his mother was capable of such language but then again, no, she is, but he also thinks they’re charming and evidence that lemony still has feelings for beatrice, if he kept them!!

he’s, intrigued, a little concerned, but not very worried about this mysterious picture of a strange man and his own candygrams, although klaus concedes they too are very sweet.

MEANWHILE, back in california

bea is so so so so so excited to pick up klaus (not knowing it’s violet) from the airport, like she manages to sit still for most of the wait but in the last half hour she just sort of bounces around the airport and buys a series of irritating, tasteless teas (“fuck this tea is so bland yes i’m ordering another one, ramona, don’t judge me”) and reads the same newspaper over and over again and when the flight comes in she’s ECSTATIC, MY GIRL IS BOUNCING ALL OVER THE PLACE

she’s the kind of like……...vaguely silly but a little (a lot) overprotective (?) parent

like beatrice is the one SHOUTING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS WHEN SHE SEES HER KID CAUSE SHE’S SO THRILLED, she’s just very vocal about how much she loves….

[I actually rewrote some of bea in this (or, changed the amount of capitals I had her using) because, like, bea is delightful and charming and very smooth but she’s also got such passion for life, she loves to be delighted and she loves to laugh, and she’s so smooth and sarcastic but like!!!! I love beatrice when she’s having a good time, but I got worried that she was leaning too silly in this which. irritated me.

like, in canon I feel like she is incredibly mischievous but once she gets married and has kids, she’s still very on point and loves her kids very openly but she becomes a lot more straight-laced because she’s so intent to protect them, so much so that I think she loses a little of that mischievousness. but considering the fluctuating capacity of vfd vibes in this au, I think she is a little more…….loose in this. the other thing about bea is that her veneer of perfection is her best acting job of all time, and divorcing lemony and being a single mother and raising klaus puts a big dent in that and makes her even more determined to try and wring as much joy out of life as she can without letting people know how much she has to deal with]

violet, upon getting off the plane and seeing beatrice: oh.

beatrice: look at youuuuuuuuuu LOOK AT YOU!!! you’ve got everything??? all your limbs???? nothing broken????

she says all this while like running straight at violet and patting her down and then giving her the biggest hug of all time. violet is engulfed in this hug and!!! she thought her father gave tight hugs but this is something else

I think lemony puts a lot of warmth in his hugs but beatrice puts this endless amount of joy, along with love, into her hugs, and violet’s life up until this point has been very low-key and surrounded by adults who excel at deadpanning their dialogue so this is!!! very strange but very exciting!!! because violet herself also has this very bright enthusiasm that other people in her family don’t have the same way she does so as much as it’s so different to meet beatrice it’s really cool!!!!!

[for the record, bertrand’s hugs exude safety]

re: pierced ears

beatrice: oh, ramona and olivia are gonna be real upset.

beatrice: they definitely wanted to be involved in your first rebellious teenager act.

beatrice: then again, so did I??

violet: doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a rebellious act?

beatrice, going in for a side-hug: …...i missed that snark so much

does beatrice have a dog???? she’s really not a dog person. neither are ramona and olivia (dogs scare olivia. in fact, most things scare olivia. the toaster scares olivia. she’s so nervous and I love her.) (it’s less of a josephine fear and more of a ‘please leave me alone!!!’ sort of startled fear, is how I see it)

if there is a pet, ramona and olivia have a cat that olivia named annabelle, and she’s a sweet, all-white cat who loves cuddles. she does not even care that violet isn’t klaus. she’s just like, ‘this person has arms!! this person can cuddle.’ annabelle is the best, most chill cat. (although I headcanon that bea is allergic to cats – but that was just cause I was allergic to cats, and now that i’m not allergic to cats????? GUESS IT’S FREE REIN NOW) (anyway the cat is still ramona and olivia’s.)

so bea has to introduce klaus (violet!) to bertrand, and, oh, bea

she really has been putting this conversation off for quite some time, and she decides to just, go for it, as she’s driving violet home

beatrice: klaus, there’s, there’s someone i’d like you to meet

violet: who?

beatrice: an old friend of mine. we’ve been talking recently, and he means a great deal to me, and if you don’t like him, then that’ll be it, but – I really want him to be a part of our lives, klaus. I know it’s a big change, but I’d like you to give him a chance.

violet is REALLY, REALLY THROWN HERE because she and klaus are supposed to get their parents back together!!! this isn’t supposed to happen!!! this is supposed to be a happy ending without this NEW CHALLENGER (UNACCEPTED!!!!), how is she supposed to ask about lemony now???????

violet: oh, um

violet: well, I would like to meet him

she resolves to be HARD AND UNCOMPROMISING when she meets bertrand, but, well, then she meets bertrand fucking baudelaire. bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire. bertrand ‘just desperately wants to make a good impression on his fiance’s son’ baudelaire. god I love him. what a guy.

especially because bertrand really does just want to make a good impression, and he knows klaus is into geography right now so he brings this absolutely impressive atlas as a gift

not as an attempt to bribe klaus into liking him, but to show that he’s supportive of his interests!!!!

bertrand, sweetest man alive, shaking violet’s hand: i’m so excited to finally meet you!!

violet, blindsided by the sweetest man alive: oh, thank – thank you. it’s very nice to meet you too.

bertrand: I heard you were into geography, so I brought this atlas for you! I hope it’s alright.

violet, holding the biggest, heaviest atlas she’s ever seen in her life: oh. that’s very kind of you.

they spend some time looking through it because it has so many cool details

he stays for a while and then bows out gracefully because he cares so much, hello i’m dying, and then beatrice asks violet what she thought

violet: I –

violet: I liked him a lot.

beatrice: are you sure? because I swear, it’s fine, klaus, if you’re uncomfortable, it’s absolutely okay, it’s –

violet: no no! it’s fine!

[read: IT’S NOT FINE]

violet: I have this….atlas, now.

beatrice: you could kill a man with that.

violet: probably! I probably could.

beatrice: ….so it’s okay?

violet: ….it’s okay, mother.

[read: IT’S NOT OKAY BUT WHAT ELSE CAN SHE SAY HERE] [hey you know when you take out how much of an awful person meredith is you are left with a lot less humor in this situation.]

beatrice: I don’t know what I did to deserve a child like you, klaus.

cue good, squishy hug.

[personally I cannot fathom marrying someone else and having twins and raising one of them and not trying to have a relationship with your other child because you didn’t want to work things out with first spouse, but I never said I myself was smart either, in what I chose to write (I NEVER SAID I TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT)

anyway, I do think when bea says that, she thinks about it for a second

that (as far as she knows) this is klaus, she’s known him his whole life, and she had so little time with violet and maybe she would be sweet and clever too and she doesn’t know

she doesn’t know!!!!!!!

and it tears her apart for a split second that she doesn’t have everything and before she can let it eat her alive she shoves it down and forgets about it like she does with everything else and just, moves on] [time is a scary thing – if this much time has passed, what can you do? do they care? is it easier to do nothing or does that hurt more? does it even matter when both parents know their kids don’t know about their sibling or their other parent (or as far as they know at this moment)??? does that possibly make it even a little easier????] [anyway.]

because of bertrand – or, not necessarily bertrand, but more, ‘wedding shenanigans,’ but also, yeah, bertrand – violet also spends comparatively little time with beatrice

she wants to dislike him on principle, but can’t because he’s just???? so nice!!!! he talks seriously to her about her parents and about her (well, klaus) and really wants to get to know her (well, klaus) violet is begrudgingly impressed. violet thinks klaus would be really impressed too. but she’s real worried about what means for lemony and beatrice

especially since they did this not only to get their parents back together but to spend time with the opposite parent, like!!! violet has spent practically zero (0) time with bea to get to know her!!!!

so she holds off for a little bit and just genuinely hopes bertrand will somehow be less nice

this is hard, when bertrand helps bea make dinner ever night (klaus was VERY EXPLICIT that beatrice allows NO ONE in the kitchen when she’s cooking so there’s that) and he talks so damn OPENLY to violet about being a presence in her life

bertrand: klaus, I hope you don’t think i’m intruding in your life.

violet: I understand where you’re coming from when you say that but remarriage is in fact a part of life that occurs with some frequency.

[not only death and taxes, but haircuts and remarriage….]

violet: mother said you were an old friend, though?

bertrand: yes, we went to school together.

violet: if you don’t think it’s too rude of a question

violet: you strike me as the type of person who would have had a high school sweetheart and I am perhaps a little concerned that you didn’t marry my mother earlier.

inside, violet is cringing but it’s a very klaus line.

bertrand: !

bertrand: oh, well, we didn’t date each other in high school.

violet: ! you didn’t?

bertrand: no, there was –

bertrand has been. avoiding these feelings for some time. but he’s so struck by them that he has NO poker face in this situation

bertrand: – it just didn’t work out at the time, that’s all.

but fuck violet is absolutely stunned by that look on his face

she’s never seen someone look so heartbroken before and she is, concerned, but that’s mostly ignored in favor of the sheer stress of the situation

and violet does actually get kind of angry!! about bertrand being such a good person!! she starts to get really frustrated!!! like I picture this happening over, maybe a week

she hates that she can’t tie her hair back and her thoughts are all jumbled and that she has to wear glasses and she misses her dad and she loves beatrice a lot but NOTHING IS WORKING OUT LIKE SHE WANTED IT TO

and she has to wear klaus’s glasses and keeps taking them off when she’s sure no one’s looking to rub her eyes man I want to give this kid a hug

but she also wants to make her mom happy!!! fuck this is a mess

violet: he’s been – a lot kinder than I thought he would be.

beatrice: yeah, he has that effect on people.

beatrice: when we were in high school, we called him “bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire.”

beatrice is viscerally reminded of Being Drunk In College and tries to shrug it off

however, violet, growing up with two detail-oriented snickets, does not miss a single thing

violet: we?

beatrice: oh, you know – nicknames, nicknames stick, klaus, everybody calls everybody things!!

violet: it just sounded as if you were….

violet: /casts around for the correct grammatical term, she’s committed, but comes up with nothing because hell even I don’t know, apologies to my grammar professor from college

violet: ….using ‘we’ to mean just you and someone else and not necessarily lots of people.

beatrice is actually vaguely suspicious to hear Less Technical Grammar but chalks it up to the situation

beatrice: well, I mean, we had friends, of course – ramona and olivia!! that’s!! that’s who i’m talking about!! that’s all!!

violet remembers that ramona gave klaus his half of the wedding picture, and klaus told her what ramona said, that ramona didn’t like lemony’s hair at the time, and violet’s done the math, she knows how old lemony and bea are and that she and klaus were born not long after they left college, and with this sudden but persistent reluctance to talk about An Additional Person from high school from both bea and bertrand, violet is terribly suspicious that there could, in fact, be much more to this than she initially thought

beatrice: don’t forget, we start looking at hotels for wedding reception venues this week, okay?

violet: okay.

so, that night, violet, now alerted to the possibility that there could be a connection between bertrand and her father, and also DESPERATELY HOPING THERE IS ANYWAY BECAUSE THAT WOULD CAUSE HER SO MUCH LESS STRESS, goes digging

she grew up with bernadette for the past six years (and has also seen lemony create giant information webs to map out books), VIOLET KNOWS HOW TO GET INFORMATION AND PUT IT TOGETHER

she starts looking for yearbooks – they all went to the same school, for years, they have to be somewhere, but violet can’t find anything in the library, or ramona’s studio, or olivia’s office, or beatrice’s hiding place (the kitchen), and then looks through their desks for papers or plaques or photographs or anything that could give her a hint (nope)

if there is one thing she’s learned from bernadette, but also her father, it’s that the best place to hide something is usually in plain sight, which leads violet back to the library, pulling out boring-looking books to see if anything is stored behind them or in them (still nope)

this leads to violet CLIMBING THE BOOKCASES to reach the top shelf because adults are taller than her and put things on high shelves

and lo and behold, there it is, the senior year yearbook.

violet has a HEART-STOPPING MOMENT in the downward climb (which she’s doing one-handed anyway) where she almost steps on annabelle who she hadn’t realized was sleeping on a shelf and violet is TERRIFIED but annabelle, chillest cat in the world™, just yawns at her and picks a different shelf

annabelle is no sammy.

so, curled up in a library chair, violet finds not only pictures of beatrice and bertrand and lemony in the yearbook, but also a giant section of papers that fold out from the back cover where apparently lemony had more than the average length of a yearbook comment to say to her

violet, vaguely skimming this hardcore romantic comment, incredibly used to her father’s verbosity: yes that sounds about right.

and she finds a (significantly smaller but still lengthy and painfully heartfelt) signature from bertrand nearby, that definitely reads as a guy in love

but she’s still not sure how they feel about each other now, like a few yearbook signatures are no indication of how a person feels over eleven years later, so she’s still nervous about this and decides to sleep on it

this takes the whole night, violet is exhausted in the morning

now re: chessy unpacking hallie’s (annie’s) suitcase in the movie, it’s not that ramona did the same, but when doing the laundry earlier she did notice this weird amount of ribbons stuck in the lint filter/in pockets/pant legs/sleeves

and she barely even thinks anything of it at first and asks olivia and olivia has no clue and she’s not asking beatrice because beatrice has so much on her mind and ramona’s like ‘….hmmm,’ and goes to talk to klaus (violet)

ramona: hey klaus, I keep finding ribbons everywhere and I just wondered –

violet, in the process of running her hand through her hair cause she’s tired and processing a lot and misses being able to tie it: /JUMPS

violet: oh

violet: bookmarks, i’ve been using them as bookmarks

[actually violet has a million ribbons because lemony never wanted her to be without one, and it was so natural for violet to bring them with her she just legit forgot she wasn’t supposed to have them, like hallie with cuppy]

ramona, vaguely concerned: ….yeah, your mother used to do that

ramona: anything wrong with your hair?

violet: oh, no, not at all!

ramona: everything….going okay?

violet: yes, absolutely!

[the thing about violet acting as klaus though is that she can get like his speech patterns down but her own natural cheeriness still shows through in the places where klaus is in general quieter]

this is gonna get discussed right after this but ramona knows violet ties her hair up to focus because lemony told her in a letter, years ago

so ramona frowns and walks over to her and ties her bangs back with one of the ribbons, and violet just so visibly relaxes

ramona, incredibly emotional: oh

ramona: violet?

violet: ….yes.

ramona: so I can’t necessarily abide by breaking up a marriage but HECK YEAH i’m down for helping you reunite them. beatrice got me in the divorce and it’s very irritating just writing to lemony, which he actually hasn’t done for a while, now that I think about it.

violet: why don’t you just visit him? i’m sure he’d love to see you.

ramona: he makes me send the letters to a post office box. I do not know that man’s address.

violet: ……...that sounds about right.

(bea still does not find out until the hotel shenanigans, though.)

(I love ‘beatrice got me in the divorce’ like that’s fucking hilarious, cause I picture ramona as lemony and bea’s best friend so when they aren’t together it’s like…...well, what happens to ramona???? WHO DOES RAMONA HANG OUT WITH?? WHO GETS CUSTODY OF RAMONA)

(but also like, wtf lemony and ramona write to each other and bea never finds out???? I mean ramona was their best friend so like yes I think they do keep in contact but then does ramona never tell lemony about klaus????? and for them to write to each other and ramona to get these letters and BEA IS IN THE SAME HOUSE??????? I can’t tell if this is just angsty or poor thinking through on my part

but like ramona has to know for the reveal scene here to work out right, otherwise she’d never guess specifically violet

unless I rewrite the scene, but? nope. i’m committed to this ribbon reveal. I like it a lot. fuck it.

THIS WAS WHY I TOOK OUT BERTRAND AND OLIVIA AS CUTE PEN PALS auuuuuggggggg

I don’t know I mean. it is weird and stretching this (already shenanigans-filled) fic a little but. I don’t think it’s the WORST illogical thing I can stick in here. and they are friends, they can write to each other, just, yeah, probably not a lot and they actually probably don’t talk about the kids a lot, cause then lemony would know about both kids and since r wouldn’t tell bea she was writing to lemony bea wouldn’t know anything at all about violet and THAT’S what’s not good (although r telling lemony about klaus is cute i’m gonna have to nix it here. no can do.), so yeah r probs never brings up klaus and lemony rarely brings up violet, he probably only mentions the ribbon thing back when she was really really young because of how much it reminded him of bea and lemony was One Sad Man in his twenties trying to cope with the emotional reality of raising a child that reminded him of his wife and needed to tell someone

that is a lot of weight on ramona though and she doesn’t say anything but lemony apologizes for bringing it up in the next letter anyway and actually after that they probably talk a lot less cause it’s hard on both of them)

(writing is hard! writing is hard.)

ramona: so what’s your plan now?

violet: first, I have to make a phone call.

VIOLET CALLS KLAUS, keeping in mind the concept of time zones a little bit better than hallie and annie

violet: so, it turns out that mother is engaged????

klaus: engaged????? to who?????

violet: this man named bertrand, and, honestly, klaus, he’s such a nice person, he brought me, well he brought you, an atlas –

klaus: oh. that is very nice.

violet: it’s the sort of atlas you could probably use to incapacitate a reasonably-sized adult.

klaus: wow.

violet: and mother said that apparently she knew him when she was younger, and they get along so well, but –

klaus, remembering the picture he found with the extra candygrams: wait

klaus: is he sort of tall, and thin, and blonde

klaus: and sort of, idly optimistic

violet: yes! although I would say more….calmly steadfast

klaus: hmmm

klaus, trying to describe bertrand’s facial expression in this picture: disarmingly kind?

violet: humorously honest?

klaus: I think father has a picture of him in his desk!

violet: !!!!

[myth: confirmed!]

klaus: and some notes from high school from mother and him!

violet: !!! klaus, based on some other things i’ve found, I think all of them might have had feelings for each other.

klaus: !! that makes a considerable amount of sense here. if they all still do, that could make this much easier.

violet: but we won’t know for sure unless –

bernadette: who are you two talking about???

klaus: BERNADETTE

violet: bernadette, are you on the extension again

bernadette: well why wouldn’t I be?

bernadette: it sounds like you guys are talking about bertrand.

violet: how do you know who bertrand is?

bernadette: dad talks about him all the time???

bernadette: well, not when uncle lemony’s around

bernadette: he sent dad that book of poetry that mom immediately burned

bernadette: the elephant guy?

violet: …….oh, now that you mention it! that’s right!

klaus: wait why did your mother burn the book

violet: aunt kit has very little patience for certain poetry.

klaus: she doesn’t like john godfrey saxe??

violet: it’s a big deal, it’s best not to get into it.

violet: look, I think what we need to do is get everyone together and sort this all out.

violet: we’re scouting hotels this week for the reception, you can come here and meet up with us at one of them!

MEANWHILE, kit finds bernadette on the extension, for an honestly longer than usual length of time (bernadette does eavesdrop regularly), and also klaus on the phone in general (and violet rarely uses the phone, like, as a phone. usually she’s taking the phone apart), and really, nothing gets past kit fucking snicket. (you know kit denouement does have a great fucking ring to it, but as I said before, just try and tell me she didn’t insist on keeping her maiden name when she got married.)

so she goes and finds klaus and hears the end of the above conversation and is like ‘oh shit, they totally switched on lemony and bea, what badass kids’

[what if she tries to corner bernadette first

kit: bernadette, I didn’t know you knew anyone to call on the phone.

bernadette, without missing a fucking beat: I called the international operator to ask about time zones, but she caught me up in a conversation about soap operas and whether or not their use of sudden death is considered theatrically cathartic or not.

bernadette: I told her it happens way too often for it to be cathartic.

kit is too impressed to counter her. kit loves her daughter so fucking much.]

so then she sort of shows up in klaus’s doorway when he goes to leave the room after the phone call, arms crossed over her chest

kit: is there something you’d like to talk about?

kit can be outrageously intimidating but kit is also, actually, a pretty good parent

kit, significantly more gently: just between you and me, klaus.

klaus: …..maybe.

kit: come on, let’s go for a walk. you can tell me all about it.

klaus: it’s a long story.

kit: well, good, I like long stories.

klaus: are you going to tell father?

kit: don’t you think you should tell him?

klaus: do you think he’ll be upset?

kit: oh, not at all. more with himself than you, anyway. once, violet was responsible for wiping out the electricity of the whole city, and he gave her two slices of cake for dessert and said he should’ve bought more books on electrical wiring.

lemony is appropriately concerned and horrified and thrilled to see his son, like, oh my god, but the moment is taken over by the urgency of the situation because klaus says he has something to tell all of them that cannot wait

[forgive me for not writing that one out.]

klaus: so it seems like mother is getting married

lemony: oh

lemony: well

lemony: like haircuts, marriage – marriage comes to all of us, at some point –

klaus: to bertrand?

kit, lemony, and dewey: /STUNNED, DEAD SILENCE

kit: oh my.

dewey: what are the odds?

lemony: I think I can die now. I believe i’m ready.

bernadette: why don’t you just go see them and work this all out???

lemony: bernadette, I don’t know if life works like that.

bernadette: uncle lemony, you’re going to ruin all my bright-eyed optimism.

dewey: sometimes I think I didn’t have anything to do with you at all, bernadette. I think you just sprang, fully-formed, from your mother’s head.

kit: don’t be vulgar, dewey. ….thank you, though.

kit: but really I don’t see any other way to sort this out than by going to see beatrice and bertrand.

[this was one of the very first conversations I wrote for this and I am still very attached to it, even though I find dewey so hard to write, I haven’t yet figured out how I think he functions with these guys, especially kit, which I should maybe have done sooner but, what can you do.]

[also I feel like it just makes more sense in this for them to KNOW bea is engaged]

[I’m putting this in here because honestly……….in the movie once elizabeth realizes the switch she does not spend nearly enough time hugging hallie constantly or getting to know her, I get that seeing your ex-husband for the first time in eleven years is A Lot but YOUR DAUGHTER WHO YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IN ELEVEN YEARS AS WELL IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE] [also makes up for not writing klaus revealing himself as klaus, i’m so sorry.]

lemony: klaus?

klaus: ?

lemony: I – please don’t think that I didn’t love you. because I do, and I have thought about you every second of every day, I promise you. and there are many things that I should have done as your father, and many things that I cannot make up to you, but I want you to know that whatever happens with this, I have always loved you. and I am sorry.

so i’ve always pictured that klaus (besides looking reasonably like bea anyway, in any universe) gets angry like she does, and bea gets that sort of like, quiet cool hatred that turns into full-blown shouting really quickly and she will pull no punches and just fucking give it to you!!!!! and klaus has some sort of version of that and like look I put a lot of thought into ‘adult problems fucking over small children as those adults fervently avoid those problems’ when I wrote babybea so like

man, of course klaus can be angry at his parents for like???? never trying to work things out???? this is the first time in almost ten years he’s seen his father and his sister and he has an aunt and an uncle (and another uncle he hasn’t even seen!) and a cousin he never knew about because of lemony and bea being stubborn and stupid and recklessly young!!!!! I think violet is honestly less mad about it (well, she gets a little mad about it later on, but like, being raised by lemony, she has this weird way of trying to rationalize things while feeling really guilty about it, but that’s scenes away from right here – or she just? maybe internalizes it more.) but klaus is like, he’s not totally angry but like, as himself, face to face with lemony, lemony talking to him like a parent and about klaus and not about bea or violet or shenanigans or anything, like, yeah, he’s a little angry that it’s just….taken this long and that lemony and bea are so stupid

klaus is an angry crier. and an angry hugger. so that’s what he does.

like it’s hard to suddenly have a relationship with a family member whose never….been that to you before or made themselves available like that or just generally been there at all, and as much as I want them all having a good time, bea and lemony have some shit to work out with their kids

THEY HAVE A GOOD HUG, IS THE POINT

and I want to say that like they spend some time together after this and…….yeah they probs do it’s just gonna be weird re: the previous paragraph so…….maybe they just sit around and read and occasionally point things out to each other, that sounds chill and legit, doesn’t ask a lot of either of them

SO, that brings us to, later that night, when lemony can Officially Panic

kit: so

kit: you seem a little tense, brother mine.

lemony: I am NOT going to break up a marriage between two loving people who care about each other and happen to have incredibly pleasant facial features and are two people I myself still care about a great deal despite not having seen either of them for a lengthy amount of time

lemony: we’re only going to switch the children back, and I will talk to beatrice, about something, and I don’t have to say anything at all to bertrand, and that’s going to be it. that’s all. nothing beyond that.

kit: that would be a more powerful statement if you weren’t packing every single fancy tie you own.

lemony: really.

lemony: we’re not going to think any more into this.

lemony: that’s all we’re going to do.

lemony: which tie should I wear?

kit: well, definitely don’t pick one of the ones you’re strangling in a death grip.

(hey, where is jacques in this??????????? wish I knew)

(he’s probably regularly out of town, maybe he happens to call home and bernadette is the one to pick up the phone and she’s like “we’re going to see aunt beatrice, I think we’ll be back in a week or something?” and then immediately hangs up because dewey calls her for something, and jacques is left, miles and miles away, standing in a phone booth and wondering if, perhaps, he should maybe visit his siblings more often so they don’t go tearing off to california

jacques: kit what the hell is going on

kit: what, didn’t bernadette tell you?

lemony: ask him what tie I should wear

kit: we’re embarking on the adventure of a lifetime, jacques, it’s your own fault that you decided to go out of town this weekend, I really don’t know what to tell you

lemony: ask him what tie I should wear

kit: /sighs

kit: what tie should your brother wear

jacques: the one with the single blue stripe, it brings out his eyes, what are you two doing

kit: really, jacques, you need to pay more attention

kit: lemony, he says the one with the blue stripe

lemony: oh, good. tell him he’s a lifesaver.

kit: lemony says you’re a lifesaver, although I have yet to see real proof of this, however I will consider changing my mind if you happen to bring me a souvenir. please remember that I could use a new set of nice, engraved fountain pens. also our plane is leaving soon and we need to pack, so bye, loser

jacques: ………………….

jacques: what did I do to deserve this)

(jacques, in any universe, is eternally pained by his siblings)

this being a rehearsal dinner brings it very close to, you know, an actual wedding date, and the thing is, I have planned a completely different wedding-related fic, weddings are EXPENSIVE AND, YOU KNOW, TIME-CONSUMING, PLANNED IN ADVANCE, ALL THAT SHIT

but the whole reason there’s a wedding in the parent trap in general is because, if meredith and nick are just dating, there’s no commitment, marriage means COMMITMENT and A TIME CONSTRAINT and meredith wants his fucking money

so yeah bea and bertrand ARE engaged and planning to get married and plans have happened but the idea of this being so close to the rehearsal dinner makes me sad about all those ‘yeah i’m gonna have to cancel’ phone calls someone is gonna have to make, which is, well, pretty silly, but still, I Hate feeling uncomfortable esp when reading things like that (or even just, thinking of them in advance)

and that is why they are scouting hotels for the reception. (don’t ask me where the denouement is. I do not know.)

so bea + co get to the hotel first, and the only people who know lemony + co will be there are violet and ramona

ramona, hanging back to talk to violet while bea and bertrand and olivia (she has a good eye for decorating.) go ahead: do you know what you’re going to do?

violet: well, I thought maybe we would just

violet: all bump into each other?

violet: and go from there??

ramona thinks that’s an exceptionally courageous take on this and that, yep that girl sure is bea’s daughter

[yeah bea still has NO IDEA ANY OF THIS IS HAPPENING ramona is A+ at keeping secrets

meanwhile, sometime later-

olivia: you didn’t tell me?????

ramona: olivia, I love you dearly but you can’t keep a secret to save your life

[oh, yikes, re: legit asoue canon]

olivia: ……..okay, you have a point.]

it is at this moment that lemony + co arrive, and bertrand, who had backtracked for a moment because he realized he dropped a pen, immediately runs into dewey, who had stopped near the door to examine the hotel brochures and ambiance in more detail (you can take the boy out of the hotel but you can’t take the hotel out of the boy)

[based on penultimate peril, I always thought bertrand and dewey were very good friends and had bonded over absurd poetry, and, of course, based on kit burning the poetry book, are still in contact – there’s much less of a sense of forced distance between bertrand and dewey, because dewey’s just lemony’s brother-in-law and bertrand was friends with dewey first so they’re still good friends but like most adults they have a hard time committing to keeping in contact regularly especially with the distance and haven’t physically seen each other for some time]

so they bump into each other –

bertrand: dewey!!

bertrand: it’s been ages, what are you doing here, how are you!!!

[dewey denouement, much in the way that olivia caliban can’t keep a fucking secret, cannot fucking lie.]

dewey: oh, um

dewey: you know

dewey: hotel conference!!

dewey: kit wanted to travel!!!!

dewey: we’re traveling FOR a hotel conference!!!

dewey: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THESE CURTAINS, BERTRAND

bertrand: ……..dewey, you’ve never been very good at lying.

dewey: no, no I really haven’t.

dewey: forgive me for everything, bertrand.

bertrand: you might have to be a little more specific.

beatrice: bertrand, have you – dewey??

dewey: oh no

beatrice, remembering dewey and kit are married, suddenly battling sheer terror the likes of which she has never experienced: how….how are you

dewey: I could be better. I could definitely be better.

beatrice: is kit here?

bertrand: I believe they’re here to look at the curtains.

dewey: we’re definitely here to look at curtains.

beatrice: ….they don’t have curtains in england

dewey, grasping at straws: not….like these….?

MEANWHILE back at the ranch, lemony backtracks outside because he dropped a pen, narrowly missing three adults awkwardly talking about curtains

olivia: beatrice, we’ll be late for the wine tasting if we don’t go soon.

beatrice: oh – well, dewey, it was….nice to see you

dewey: please, go enjoy your wine.

bertrand: /waves good-bye!!!!

klaus and bernadette, hiding behind a nearby ficus, because bernadette thinks fast and has her own specific idea about how this should go and it doesn’t involve her relatives meeting again because of her father talking about curtains: wow.

violet: /narrowly avoids getting swept up into the wine tasting, darts for the elevator to try and locate klaus + co

MEANWHILE back at the ranch, upstairs, in their hotel room

lemony: why did I think I could do this

lemony: how do I approach a couple here to scout locations for a wedding reception?

kit: ….you approach them

dewey: don’t talk about curtains, maybe.

lemony: i’m not – dewey, what do curtains have to do with this?

dewey: trust me, just don’t talk about them.

there is a knock at the door. lemony has seen death. this is it, for him.

anyway, it’s violet.

klaus: violet!

violet: klaus!

awkward sibling hug sincere sibling hug!!

violet: klaus, please take your glasses back.

klaus: oh, thank you. my spare pair just doesn’t feel the same as these.

lemony: violet!

now, seeing the two of them together, he can absolutely tell the difference between them. ain’t that just the way.

lemony hugs his daughter like she’s going to disappear right out of his arms and then hugs klaus for good measure and he has to try and ignore the true roller coaster of emotions that puts him through and then tries to look very stern.

lemony: i’m not disappointed in the two of you but I cannot believe you switched on your mother and me. that was very….

lemony is not good at being angry at his children, he has no real concept of it.

lemony: ….clever. it was very clever.

violet and klaus are very proud but find it in themselves to try and look a little chagrined. they don’t do it very well.

violet: father, you really need to talk to mother.

klaus: and bertrand.

lemony: both of you know about bertrand??

klaus: you and mother are very transparent about him.

MEANWHILE back at the ranch, at the wine tasting

ramona: what do you think?

beatrice and bertrand, equally lost in thought about the presence of dewey, the implied presence of kit, and the possibility of the presence of lemony: hm??

bertrand: oh, yes

beatrice: wine

beatrice: /downs entire glass

beatrice: /sets down glass

beatrice: not that one.

bertrand, who has been holding the same glass for the past twenty minutes and has no idea which wine that even was: definitely not.

MEANWHILE back. at. the. ranch.

lemony’s children have such boundless courage (I have hurt myself so many times while writing this fanfic with the occasional too-on-point line and this in particular wounds me these kids are so strong and so important and won’t take no for an answer compared to their parents and get the chance to get their parents to FIX THINGS and oh no i’m gonna cry) and have dragged him downstairs to the lobby, with the INTENTION of having him run into bea and bertrand

lemony: this is not going to work out –

violet: nonsense!

klaus: it’s going to work perfectly.

meanwhile, bea and bertrand leave the wine tasting

bertrand: ….did we come to a conclusion, about the wine?

beatrice: no, I don’t think so.

bertrand stops by the bathroom to wash his hands for something to do as he’s consumed with thoughts (not about wine), beatrice is in a daze as she goes through the lobby, violet notices her but sees she’s not with bertrand and decides she has to stall

violet, rushing over, purposely trying to block beatrice’s view with varying success: mother, how was the wine tasting?

beatrice: oh, it was –

did you remember violet gave klaus his glasses back?

beatrice: klaus, what happened to your –

and, well.

beatrice looks at her so hard and processes kit and dewey being here and then it fucking hits her like (forgive me. forgive me so hard.) a harpoon to the chest

beatrice: ….violet?

violet: yes.

beatrice: but – how –

klaus, appearing next to her: it’s a truly fascinating chain of events we’d like to tell you, but –

hey! beatrice is stunned and horrified! and grabs her daughter into a hug, knowing now that it’s her daughter and has been this whole time and!!!! she feels so awful with herself for not noticing but is also trying to not make a big deal out of it and startle violet by sobbing uncontrollably on her shoulder but beatrice is simultaneously devastated and filled with so much love and she’s for sure going to break apart now

beatrice: and klaus –

she’s hugging them both now, it’s very good.

beatrice, in tears: you two are lucky you’re so cute

violet: mother, there’s someone we’d very much like you to talk to.

beatrice knows somewhere in the back of her mind that it’s lemony but is also not even thinking of lemony because, her children

klaus: /tries to wave lemony over

lemony: /trying and failing to hide behind a ficus, have you seen a ficus, have you seen lemony

violet: /ALSO WAVING

beatrice can’t miss that for the world.

beatrice, while turning around: what are you two –

imagine, if you will, lemony snicket trying to hide behind a potted ficus that hits about mid-chest.

also imagine, if you will, two people who divorced over eleven years ago, still have too many feelings about each other, split up their children for their stupidity, have been trying to avoid the knowledge that both of them are there for the past hour, and are now confronted with the reality of their lives right in front of them

…….besides the ficus.

lemony, stepping out from behind the ficus: hello, bea.

this is a headcanon i’ve long held, since I first started writing asoue fanfic, but, bertrand and lemony say ‘bea’ differently, especially in canon, like particularly in canon, so it’s like less so here but lemony still says her name with so much love, and bertrand says it with love too but lemony has known beatrice for so so long and here they are after years apart and here he is saying her name again, and he never ever ever expected to say it like that again, he never even DREAMED of saying it to her again, but it’s real

beatrice: lemony snicket.

violet: as nice as this is for us –

klaus: – we’re going to allow you three the time you need to discuss assorted events.

at this moment (of course), bertrand reemerges.

bertrand: bea, I –

he sees violet and klaus rushing off, looking delighted, and bea and lemony standing there still trying to process words, and then there’s bertrand, frantically thinking ‘abort mission, ABORT MISSION’

because. the way they turn and look at him, in tandem, like they did all the time in high school, immediately makes bertrand feel like they’re there, back in high school, back at prom, here’s the two absolute loves of his life standing in front of him and bertrand is filled with delight but also fear because, here it is, they all have to deal with it now

(all of them are thinking that, the three of them, standing there, there is not a single trace of jealously but instead there is so much love and regret and it’s, heart-wrenching)

and here is where he loses all his Chill™.

bertrand: you know what, i’m gonna – go –

bertrand: /trips over a chair

lemony: oh –

beatrice: bertrand!

bertrand: totally fine, still alive, i’m – they have such a nice gift shop, you know, i’m – i’ll be there

bertrand: /high-tails it practically out of existence

beatrice and lemony: ….

lemony: he – he still has a very nice running form.

beatrice: yeah, I think so.

lemony: well, bea

lemony: or does everyone call you beatrice now?

beatrice: no, no, bea – bea is fine. bertrand still calls me bea.

[beatrice starts to laugh. “it’s – man, it’s funny, isn’t it?”

lemony smiles at her. “what is?”

“i’m going to marry your high school crush,” beatrice giggles, “who’s still – still in love with you.” she stops. “you know, that’s actually really not as funny as it sounded in my head,” she says, frowning.]

they have dinner!!! and talk. about. stuff. do violet and klaus recreate the night lemony and bea met or the wedding or something????? idk honestly. like at least they didn’t get married UPON MEETING I MEAN LIKE COME ON (although somehow that is very them, but, come on, this backstory is good and solid and I love characters that grow)

maybe they just pool their allowances and give their parents a banging night out (which is pretty much just. dinner.)

beatrice: I see that cut on your forehead healed up nice

lemony: yes, anna karenina left very little lasting damage –

both: – except to anna karenina.

they pause, and then just, fucking burst out laughing, this is a horrible old joke for them that they made up when they were in school because anna karenina was the biggest book either of them owned (neither of them were particularly interested in war and peace) but was somehow sort of light and if you dropped it it really didn’t do much damage, which they thought was funny re: the size of the book and the subject matter

beatrice throws it at lemony during the fight that ends with their divorce and it’s the first time it actually hurts something

lemony: so, how is bertrand

lemony: I don’t think i’ve seen him since – well, since before the twins were born.

beatrice: oh, he’s – he’s doing really, really well. he’s a librarian, and – we keep joking about how many more books klaus and I will be able to read. lemony, he’s got the magazine editions of hammett –

lemony: w h a t

lemony: does he even have the –

beatrice: yep. he has the unfinished story. i’ve seen it.

lemony: I knew I liked that man for a reason

THERE IS SUCH A WEIGHTY PAUSE.

lemony: that is, hammett, obviously. I mean, the continental op is one of the quintessential fictional detectives, and hammett’s novels –

beatrice: you did like him, didn’t you

beatrice: when we were in school, you looked at him the same way you looked at me.

lemony: oh, no

lemony: I looked at you with a rapt adoration and I looked at bertrand like he was a puzzle I couldn’t solve. I have that on good authority from my sister.

beatrice: oh, right, right.

lemony: ….but I did, didn’t I. I did like him very much.

lemony: I don’t think anyone disliked him.

beatrice: that wasn’t quite what I asked, lemony.

lemony: ….what do you want me to say, bea? that I saw him there, with you, and couldn’t even find it in me to be jealous because the sight of you two together made me so unbelievably happy that I forgot how to breathe? that I – that I wondered, for a moment, if, twelve years later, we could – if I –

lemony: ….i don’t believe this conversation is supposed to be about bertrand.

beatrice: …….no, I – I suppose not.

lemony: that day, when you asked me to leave –

beatrice: you mean when I shouted at you to leave.

lemony: I was trying to be kind.

beatrice: lemony, I for sure shouted at you.

lemony: no, bea, I – I thought things would be better if I left. if you didn’t have to put up with me, because you clearly didn’t want to. and I didn’t make it easy for you, back then. there were many things I overlooked about both of us, things I hid from both of us, things I should have talked about with you. and I didn’t.

beatrice: ….oh.

lemony: I thought that loving the person that I wanted you to be was enough for the person that I wanted to be. obviously, it wasn’t, because you asked me to leave and I left. I never even looked back.

beatrice: ….lemony, I don’t think anything would’ve been enough for either of us. I asked a lot of you, too. I didn’t want you to see anything bad about me, and you didn’t, but the longer we were like that, the more I just – the more I really hated you for it. you just saw what you wanted to. and, well, what I wanted you to. I think I kind of hated me, too.

beatrice: sometimes, I think, what would’ve happened if we’d stayed together and I don’t know if I like that either. not that it was – okay, what we did. because it wasn’t. and we might’ve changed or we might’ve fucked up even worse, I don’t know, and i’ll never know.

beatrice: but lemony, seeing her now, I regret every single second I haven’t spent with her because of it.

lemony: I know.

beatrice, who’s a little angry cause she hates when lemony says that to her and her temper gets away from her: do you?

lemony, who’s just regretting all his life choices and knows he fully deserves beatrice’s ire: ….i’ve missed so much of his life.

beatrice, voice breaking: ….yeah.

man, these are some really miserable parents.

beatrice: we should – I don’t know, you know, what we’re gonna do, with – us – but we should – they, they should see each other. we can’t do that to them again.

lemony: I agree.

beatrice: you know, we have some pretty clever kids. I would never – okay, maybe, but I don’t know – have had the balls to switch places with someone on the other side of the world.

lemony: we do, don’t we?

lemony: I know we didn’t do a great deal right, but, maybe we did, with them.

beatrice: ….yeah, maybe we did.

beatrice: not every day two people have kids like ours.

lemony: …….can I be honest with you, bea?

beatrice: …okay.

lemony: i’m glad they switched places. i’m – i’m glad I got to see you. and bertrand. and you.

beatrice: i’m glad you came, lemony.

[all these conversations starring two people steadfastly trying to avoid that they are still in love with each other but also trying to really acknowledging they have Real Problems, brought to you by one (1) woman struggling to get two characters to talk about their problems but also the idea of introducing a third person into their already rocky relationship, don’t mind me just casually dying over here, this was harder than I thought]

beatrice, feeling the weight of this conversation and knowing they done fucked up in the past but also desperately wishing she and lemony could go back to where they were before only better and just trying to figure out where they’re gonna go from here, girl’s doing her best here, and you know what, so am i: so, um

beatrice: fuck, marry, kill

beatrice: continental op, nick charles, sam spade.

lemony, going through incredibly similar emotions: ….

lemony: do you want me to give my virtue to one man and then marry another

beatrice: why do you always take this game so literally

beatrie: I am banging nick charles, but I am marrying the continental op for job stability, and I am killing sam spade where he stands

lemony: bea, no, you can’t just kill sam spade like that

lemony: how about, I take the continental op to dinner, I have a pleasant night with nick charles –

beatrice: I like that we’d both fuck william powell.

lemony: we’ve both seen william powell. no one wouldn’t.

lemony: but sam spade, though, I don’t think it’s so clear cut as all that –

they’ve really!! grown a lot!! they’re really trying to talk this out!!! a little, at least!!! be adults!!!! talk like they didn’t eleven years ago!!!!!! they’re so stupid and they’re trying so hard!!!! my kids………….

this is definitely not the only conversation they’re gonna have about this, like it’s Good that they’ve said this but there’s. a lot more they need to talk about and will probably talk about, just not right now

anyway, LATER –

the continuing saga of two people Not Talking and then Talking About Certain Things and then Inadvertently Talking About The Things They Didn’t Want To And Not Quite Realizing It

lemony: at the hotel

lemony: you, ah, said something about bertrand

beatrice: !!!!

beatrice: ooo, we are talking about him, hmm?

lemony: bea.

beatrice: fine, fine. yes, that he’s still in love with you.

lemony: is he really?

beatrice: I think he is.

beatrice: you still didn’t really answer me before, when I asked if you still felt the same about him.

lemony: ….does it matter, if you’re going to marry him?

beatrice: of course it matters! i’m not – i’m not marrying bertrand to, prove a point or anything, or – say I like him better than you, I – i’m marrying him because I, I love him, but I don’t – that’s not all there is to this.

beatrice: I mean, we didn’t get divorced because of bertrand, that was all on us, but – seeing both of you, sometimes I feel like – maybe – we – maybe we could’ve made it work. not if we had bertrand, but with him. now.

beatrice: and, and that’s a lot, to ask you – I know – it’s a lot to ask both of us, especially after everything, but – do you?

lemony: ….bea.

beatrice: lemony.

lemony: ….i feel that, in the interest of the past eleven years, we should perhaps talk to him before I make a concrete decision about that personal feeling.

beatrice: well, that’s – that’s a wise choice.

they are, quiet, for a while

it’s a lot to think about, you know?? there’s a lot to this

lemony: …….but I think I do.

beatrice: you think you do?

lemony: I think I do.

beatrice: I think I do, too.

there is a little more silence because they’re like ‘!!!!! well that’s SOMETHING REALLY BIG TO THINK ABOUT’ especially because they haven’t like totally committed back to a relationship with each other and there is!! still!!! so!! much!!!! but, they’re thinking about it now, and they’re, sort of floaty-happy because it’s like, wow, wow, this is a possibility, they can

maybe

push it, a little, and see what happens, maybe maybe

lemony: well, you should, you are marrying him.

beatrice: shhh, you are ruining the rhythm.

lemony: I think –

beatrice: you think?

lemony: it’s been known to happen.

beatrice: mmm, I don’t think so

[it’s hard to tell because there’s generally very little concept of outside action/feelings when getting down scenes this way but these few lines are supposed to be v cute and soft and just the tiniest bit flirty]

lemony: trust me, I have had many a thought.

beatrice: well, I think –

lemony: you think, now, do you

beatrice: I do indeed, lemony snicket.

[god. lemony wants to kiss her so fucking bad. beatrice wants to keep teasing him until he does kiss her. they’re very close. he just. smooths her hair behind her ear and takes a step back.]

lemony: I think we should talk to bertrand.

beatrice: yeah. we should. we should probably do that.

MEANWHILE.

I want bertrand to bond with these kids with all my heart so that’s what fucking happens while bea and lemony are dealing with their problems

they play a rousing game of scrabble. it’s usually a game I give the snicket siblings because of their vicious playing styles (which is just based on me and my brother playing scrabble) BUT I love scrabble a lot and I think it’s super cute if bertrand hangs out with violet and klaus and they play board games, it’s distressingly endearing to me, violet trying to sneak in names of inventors on the board and klaus being insistent on following the rules of the game and bertrand trying to come up with a sufficient compromise

bertrand: okay, so, last names are allowed, but only if you can also include the first initial, initialisms by themselves are not allowed, and foreign words and phrases are on a case-by-case basis, providing I can translate it and you’re not trying to put down something inappropriate.

klaus: what about scientific names?? can I put down binomial nomenclature

violet: hey how do you spell binomial

klaus: b-i-n-o-m-i-a-l

violet: oh, how neat.

violet: /puts it down on the scrabble board

klaus: ….

violet: :)

bertrand: it looks like you can put down binomial nomenclature.

bertrand: but yes, I will allow actual nomenclature, klaus.

klaus is deathly quiet for the next few turns until he manages to put down nomenclature. (which I think is achievable, with enough luck.)

klaus: actual. nomenclature.

violet: so that’s how it’s gonna be, huh

bertrand: okay, references to previous conversations are no longer allowed, let’s try this again

eventually they stop playing the damn game and come up with their own wildly specific set of rules for playing scrabble, and bea and lemony come back to a lot of paper and a lot of scrabble tiles and violet and klaus sitting on either side of bertrand on the couch, helping him write this rule list

and bea and lemony want to comment about how they’re not even playing scrabble, but watching bertrand interact with their kids and be so soft and patient with them is the most distressingly heartwarming thing they’ve seen in a long time

they both have the immediate thought of ‘holy fuck I wanna kiss that man,’ which is followed by ‘holy f u c k maybe a relationship between all of us could work’

lemony: bertrand.

bertrand: ?

lemony: could we talk?

there is no camping trip! instead we got NEARBY HOTEL SHENANIGANS and THREE PEOPLE ON A DATE AT A LOCAL FAIR, TRYING TO FEEL THINGS OUT

imagine your average carnival-fair sort of thing with Rides and Games and Absurd Amounts of Cotton Candy and That Super Salty But Still Real Good Popcorn

bertrand and lemony arrive first and bea specifically gets there late so bertrand and lemony can actually talk, because honestly this is the only time I can see in all this that these two would be able to talk to each other uninterrupted

and they all know they’re there for the weirdest date ever but bertrand still feels the need to clear the air

bertrand: lemony, I don’t want you to think that I was waiting your marriage out or anything, I didn’t even know you two weren’t together until last year, and I didn’t even intend to see bea, it just happened on accident –

lemony: bertrand, it’s fine.

lemony: beatrice and I aren’t married anymore, you don’t have to explain anything.

bertrand: ….sometimes I feel like i’ve wanted to explain everything to you, for the past fifteen years.

[bertrand ‘breaking my fucking heart again’ baudelaire…….]

bertrand: that’s – silly, isn’t it.

lemony: no. I don’t think so.

bertrand: I never got the chance to say it. well, actually I don’t think I ever let myself say it, because I had plenty of chances! especially at prom, I could’ve changed everything! but you and bea were so – I wanted you two more than anything else in the whole entire world, but I didn’t want to hurt you two or what we had. I think I did, though.

bertrand: and, and I really shouldn’t blame myself or anyone for these stupid mistakes that happened when we were just kids, because we were just kids!

bertrand: I mean, we’re right here, right now, and i’m – i’m really looking forward to this, lemony.

[lemony, much like me, is momentarily dazzled by how fucking genuine bertrand is]

lemony: so am I.

lemony: ….i kept those candygrams you sent me when we were all in high school because they were remarkably sweet and I treasure them dearly

bertrand: !!

lemony is so nervous and I love him and you know when you get nervous and you just sort of spill weird secrets to people, especially when it’s the person you like???? that’s that

they look at each other for a moment and then start laughing and it’s the kind that starts kind of soft and then they’re just rampantly giggling and being dorks and I love them both so damn much okay

and because they haven’t regularly seen each other in you know fifteen years they spend some time. talking about their lives. there’s a lot of things they don’t know about each other!

lemony and bertrand like make a vague show of trying to win bea some prize and they suck and they stand to the side and talk while bea wins herself a prize and she runs back over to them and just looks so proud of herself, winning this…….thing (it’s very much “i don’t know if it’s a duck or a panda, but I want one.”)

lemony: is it a…….hmmm

bertrand: ….those are cat ears, right

beatrice: what, no, they’re wolf ears

lemony: it has webbed feet, though

bertrand: it’s a platypus! oh, no, not with all those feathers.

lemony: it could easily be a duck, I suppose

beatrice: BUT THE EARS

bertrand: a penguin!

lemony: a grackle

bertrand: a goose!

beatrice: THE E A R S

lemony and bertrand share an obnoxious amount of cotton candy, and honestly it’s the date they all should’ve had in high school, a date that would’ve changed everything, and man, they’re having so much fun and maybe they could do this, lemony has never been so happy and bertrand is just this ball of delight and, it’s really beautiful, and beatrice is for sure thinking that and she’s having such a good time and she’s so happy

but then

she thinks, what if it DIDN’T change everything, what if they all got together in high school and tried to make it work and really fucked each other over, would they have been able to do it?? what really would’ve happened??? and they’re adults now, they’re better people but they have so much more to think about, there is so much more at stake now and beatrice is fucking terrified about what could happen, all of a sudden

and she’s been terrified for years about all the terrible things that could happen to klaus or her or ramona and olivia and even their stupid cat and she’s still trying to hide it so well and she does, she’s happy and creates such a good life for her son but she is so scared and she can’t keep running from it anymore by being impulsive or silly or shouting all the time, she has to face the reality of the situation that she really has to think this one through, what all three of them are going to do about this

she and lemony still have so many problems, and they both know that, they all know that!!! they aren’t going to solve them right away!!! and with bertrand there, maybe it’ll be harder!! maybe it won’t be easier!!! not that bertrand immediately makes things easier, in any universe!!! but especially here!!! you know!!! what if they don’t talk about anything because he’s there??? what if they avoid talking about everything so much in trying to be happy that they irreparably fuck them all over??? it’s been so long since all three of them were together, what if they can’t do this!! what if their kids don’t like them together, what if none of them can get along??? suddenly there are a lot more variables to this, and seeing it happen, bea is struck by everything they’re going to have to fix and all the ways it could go wrong and it’s not good

beatrice: …..what are we doing?

beatrice: and – and what if it doesn’t work out, this time?? what if we all try this and we can’t do it??

bertrand: do you think that little of yourself?

beatrice: no.

beatrice: i’m thinking about, what if I break my kid’s hearts, even worse than I already have? I can’t do that, not to them.

and, they get it. they love each other so much but this story isn’t about just the three of them anymore.

bertrand and bea decide not to get married. and even though they all know they still love each other, lemony and bea have violet and klaus to think of, so they all decide it would be for the best to go their separate ways.

violet and klaus are not happy, by any means. they are not happy to pack up all their stuff and know that nothing is going to work out, and it hurts, a lot, man

klaus, picking up his books: I really respect our parents and their chosen additional life partner but don’t you think they can be a little…..

violet, jamming her toolkit into a suitcase: stupid?

klaus: I was going to say stubborn

klaus: but stupid works too.

so they all say good-bye :( lemony, violet, kit and dewey and bernadette go home. (bernadette’s real upset no one got back together. she hides it well but she just sort of crams herself into her seat on the plane on the trip home and is just super bummed. I love this lil kid.) (I fondly remember when this outline was nowhere near over 20k and was just a short little thing and bernadette’s scenes just monopolized it….)

the thing I love about bea raising klaus is that, and I also feel this for canon too, klaus gets so so much of bea’s anger and short temper

like violet is a lot more calmer in the take no shit category but klaus will, like his mother, flip a table

klaus: mother, that was the most foolish thing you’ve ever done and you know it

beatrice: !

beatrice: don’t you – don’t you use that tone with me, klaus

beatrice: I am your mother

klaus: and you’re just going to let my father and my sister walk away from us???

beatrice: I – it’s more complicated than that!

klaus: how??

beatrice: klaus, would you want me to risk this, everything we have, on the off chance that your father and I could maybe sort out our differences?

klaus: you didn’t seem to have that many differences!

beatrice: there’s a lot of things you don’t know, klaus!

klaus: then tell me! you’re the one who’s always telling me I can do anything, and I just think it seems pretty rich of you to decide that that doesn’t apply to you, or that I don’t get to know everything about the people who are supposed to be my family!

klaus has a point, here, and beatrice realizes that, so she decides IN THAT INSTANT that, okay. fine. it’s time to do something about this and she can do something about this.

SO SHE GOES TO BERTRAND

bertrand: bea, what –

beatrice: I can’t – look, I can’t do this to my kids either, okay, I can’t keep them apart anymore, what – why did I think that was such a good idea in the first place??? so I wouldn’t see lemony?? so I wouldn’t work things out between us, because we were fucking kids when we were together and, and I sacrificed my relationship with my daughter because I was so petty and selfish, and i’m doing it again, bertrand!! i’m letting myself do it again after everything we all talked about because i’m so fucking scared but I – I can’t do this to myself, you know? I want – I want things to work out this time. with all of us. I want to make it work and i’m going to make it work and i’m going to go get my daughter and lemony, and I want you to come with us, if you want to come with us.

klaus, leaning out of the car window and shouting at beatrice and bertrand, who are standing on the steps of bertrand’s place: if I may interject, the plane we intend to catch does leave in half an hour, so you two should maybe hurry up a little

klaus: not to ruin your moment or anything!

bertrand, desperately: I want things to work out, bea, I do. but what if you were right and we can’t –

beatrice: i’m right about a lot of things, bertrand baudelaire, and i’m right about this.

bertrand, nodding and trying not to smile too much: ….okay. okay.

MEANWHILE

violet: ….are you mad at me?

lemony: what – violet, I could never be mad at you.

violet: but I – I went behind your back, and I tricked both of you, and I wasn’t even thinking about what you wanted, it – it was just what I wanted, and that wasn’t okay, I shouldn’t have interfered with you and mother at all, I feel so awful –

lemony: none of what happened was your fault, violet. not at all. it was mine. i’m sorry that I kept so much from you. it was incredibly unfair to you, and to klaus. I should have told you a long time ago.

violet: I never got to ask before, but why did you and mother get divorced?

lemony: ….we were very young, and very impulsive. and, also, incredibly scared. that’s not a good combination when you’re trying to make a life with someone.

violet: you two seemed to get along a little better, now.

lemony: well, eleven years is a lot of time. you get older, and you realize the mistakes you made in your youth could’ve been dealt with a lot more easily than you previously thought. you realize you were….

violet: stubborn?

lemony: stupid.

violet: what made it not work out, this time?

lemony: you also realize there are more important things to think about than yourself and what you want.

violet: !

violet: father, I didn’t want you to –

lemony: it wasn’t your call to make, violet.

violet: but it was yours about whether or not I get to see my brother? you were only thinking about what you wanted, too!

lemony: ….

violet: ….that was rude of me, i’m sorry.

lemony: no – don’t apologize, violet. please.

violet, still very angry but also just sad and concerned about how lemony has, in the intervening time between these two conversations, said very little: I thought bertrand was nice.

lemony: bertrand – bertrand is very nice.

so they get back home.

lemony: what would you like for dinner?

violet: I don’t think i’m all that hungry, father.

lemony: no, neither am I.

and lemony just sort of, wanders into the library with his hands in his pockets, because he’s somehow more miserable than he’s been in quite some time, and he’s expecting to just sit around and stare at his typewriter and not get anything done for the rest of the night or really for the foreseeable future, and the library is filled with so many books and so much stuff but it feels so empty to him now, and lemony himself feels empty and horrible about everything and he just stares at the floor without really seeing anything at all

AND THEN

klaus, sitting in one of the library chairs: father, did you know that the concorde gets you here in half the time?

[I just kept the line. I thought long and hard and could not for the life of me think of any other jazzy lil line.] [although yes sadly the concorde no longer exists]

[hey, if lemony and violet are here, and kit and dewey and bernadette were with them on the plane, who’s driving the bus who let bea and bertrand in the house???? cause in the movie it’s gotta be the grandfather

jacques, who had stopped at lemony’s house hoping that he could catch them before the flight but obviously not catching them, who stayed to water the plants: /exiting the house

beatrice, careening out of a taxi: JACQUES HOLD THE DOOR

jacques: !!!! beatrice?? what are you –

bertrand: we’ll have to tell you later, there’s no time!

jacques: bertrand????

klaus really only has time to wave.

all three of them: /BOLT PAST JACQUES INTO THE HOUSE AND SLAM THE DOOR SHUT, leaving jacques out there in the street

jacques: ……….]

anyway

lemony, STUNNED: klaus?

violet, dashing into the room because she heard her brother: klaus!

klaus: ideally we would’ve figured this out before you left, but when you did, we were not completely happy about it.

lemony, still trying to collect himself: you –

and there’s bea and bertrand, standing there, real as anything! really there!! in his library!!

and lemony walks towards them, because this isn’t a matter of, chasing anyone, it’s all of them coming together like this

beatrice: this is gonna work. the three of us, this is gonna work.

beatrice: what do you think?

and the thing. about lemony. is that what he wants more than anything else in this whole fucking world. is a family. particularly in canon, being separated from (reasonably dead) parents and growing apart from his siblings and losing those connections to people, he so desperately wants something that’s his and his own and that he can keep stable by himself

and I think he still feels that way even in whatever fucking world of an au this is, and of course he wants to be with bea and bertrand and to have klaus and violet because he loves them but he is also massively craving that stability of having his own family and like really having it this time, not fucking it up because he’s young and stupid and just as impulsive as bea

THE POINT IS THIS IS A LOT FOR HIM, OKAY, THIS MEANS SO MUCH, to get this!! second chance at all the things he totally fucked up before, PLUS the loves of his life!!!!

and like!!! there’s bertrand. there’s bertrand!!! standing there and reaching out to take lemony’s hand and lemony takes bea’s and bea takes bertrand’s other one and. the road they had to take to get here wasn’t. the best. all the time. they all made mistakes. some. worse than others. and this isn’t the end, right here, there’s still gonna be things they have to work out. and it’s gonna be okay because there’s beatrice and bertrand and lemony. they’re in the same room and no one’s scared.

lemony: yes.

beatrice: yes???

bertrand: yes?

lemony: yes.

there’s a lot of good hugging, people are kissed, comments are made about chapstick flavors, lots of laughter, violet and klaus are tearing up and thrilled beyond belief, everything is beautiful!!!!!

klaus: I can’t believe –

violet: – we actually did it!

and, of course, beatrice was right. about everything.

the following amount of time is filled with –

-lots of arguments.

-mostly between bea and lemony.

-although bertrand has his fair share of arguments with both of them.

-violet and klaus don’t speak to each other for two weeks under the pretense of disagreeing about a book’s theme but really because they’re not sure how to act around each other now that they’re both there, they’ve lived their whole lives as only children and this is what they wanted but it’s also something they didn’t think about having to adjust to

-there’s also this immediate reluctance to listen to anything bea and lemony tell them because they have to get used to parents now, too

-parents who aren’t currently super functioning as parents

-there’s a lot of second-guessing people’s intentions

-why did you say that?? the hell does that eyebrow mean???? you picked that song for a REASON and fuck you for that!!!! you don’t trust me to drive, do you???? I KNOW HOW TO MAKE A SANDWICH FOR MY CHILD THANK YOU VERY MUCH

-that sort of thing.

-in varying shades of seriousness.

-i know it sounds mostly like just bea screaming there but trust me the sentiment is shared by all of them in various ways and actions

-they don’t do it in front of violet and klaus though

-NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO LIVE NOW, do they stay in england or all go to california??? do they go somewhere else???????? what even (I don’t even know)

-(they probably do stay in england though. that’s what I was picturing while writing this.)

-violet and klaus do adjust to no longer being only children and realizing they have someone their age to rely on now who understands them

-they make blanket forts where violet designs these stands that will hold books up and periodically turn the page so they can lay on their backs and read and not worry about moving

-klaus reads up on inventors so he and violet can talk about them

-they argue with bea and lemony a little about weird things because violet and klaus are trying to figure out where they are with their parents now and how they’re supposed to act and bea and lemony are trying to figure out how to coordinate parenting while wanting to kill each other

-they institute family game night and try to best each other in cards or scrabble because they can handle that

-bertrand, of course, is in a very awkward position at this time

-like he’s around but he can’t take sides because that’s Weird and he’s not that kind of person anyway, and he wants to be there but he doesn’t quite know as what

-like, he was gonna marry bea!! and now he’s not. and he loves lemony!!! but he can’t do anything about it because bea and lemony have problems to work out!!! and bertrand loves both of them!! and they love him!!! they know they do!! he knows they do!!!!! but everything is very uncomfortable!!!

-like, bertrand needs to be on equal footing in this relationship too!

-he hangs out with dewey a lot and they become Poetry Buds again

-he participates in family game night

-bea and lemony are worried that bertrand is only going to see himself as like a peacemaker between them when he isn’t because he never has been and realizing that bertrand is a huge official permanent part of their lives now is a big thing for them

-hi, my name’s lulu and writing the navigation of relationships is hard!!!! it’s so fucking hard

-the three of them watch movies wednesday nights – bertrand picks the movies and he picks these really sweet romantic ones (cause that’s just the kind of movies he likes!!!) and it’s unbearably great

-they mean to watch the thin man movies (the ones with nick charles aka william powell aka the guy lemony and bea would both fuck if they had had the opportunity) over a series of weeks but wind up marathoning all six of them one night (and it takes all night)

-none of them can function the next day

-bertrand: I get it. i’d do it with nick charles, too.

-beatrice sings herself hoarse during a play rehearsal and can’t talk for a week

-she can’t sleep one night and lemony finds her in the kitchen and makes them both tea and they salute each other with the mugs

-bertrand takes up writing limericks and leaves them around the house and lemony finds one in the shower and slips from laughing so hard

-bertrand, in the hospital: I could’ve killed you with poetry

lemony: I mean, all things considered, it’s not the worst way to go. it’s better than next to a pile of books I was meaning to read, which I always thought to be much more likely. slipping in the shower because of a charming limerick about shoes? it’s not all that bad.

bertrand: I don’t know whether to take the compliment or be worried about how you’ve considered how you’re likely to die. please don’t die.

-beatrice shows up at the hospital and throws the stuffed animal from carnival night at lemony

lemony: oh, you didn’t have to give me your….ah….

bertrand: ….moose? have we guessed moose?

beatrice: the ears……….

-things get, better

-they take turns picking up the kids from school

-some kid: gee violet how come your mom lets you have two dads

violet: just lucky, I guess

-lemony helps beatrice rehearse her lines and they straight-up make out for an hour instead

-lemony and bertrand make dessert once a week and routinely end up covered in flour

-there is a household debate on ‘what species is the stuffed animal’ and ‘what are we going to name it,’ moderated by kit

-violet puts on a one-woman play that she and klaus wrote about hedy lamarr for her school’s talent show and receives a standing ovation

-lemony and bea and bertrand are in the front row and beatrice is full-on sobbing during the standing ovation

-they get bertrand a new record player for his birthday and all three of them dance to his records the whole night

-yes they ARE all falling in love with each other all over again it is very important to me that they’re all on the same page when they do that

-violet and klaus make bertrand a ‘best additional parent’ mug because they don’t quite know what to call him (they haven’t figured it out yet), like violet makes him a fucking mug in her glassblowing class (you ever seen someone glassblow a mug??? it’s great.) and klaus does this beautiful calligraphy label for it

-bertrand cries immediately, for the next hour of his life, and just carries it around because he doesn’t know where to put it

-beatrice: aww, that was so sweet of you two, to make – does that say ‘additional parent’

lemony: I believe it says ‘additional parent.’

violet: we did also consider ‘greatest poet’ but that had less of the feeling we wanted.

klaus: we do realize that ‘best’ is truly an unquantifiable concept, because there’s no one out there ranking parents, but we thought it was the most fitting.

it’s after that that they all decide to get married.

later on, sunny is born!! and she’s very upset she missed out on all these shenanigans.

[jacques comes back to find so many people in his brother’s house.

kit: well jacques, you really should be home more

lemony: yes, find a nice person

lemony: …...or two

kit: settle down, stop looking so surprised.

lemony: kit your daughter just leapt off the bookshelf and tackled my husband

kit: and am I surprised? no.]

[also jacques does not buy his sister a nice new set of engraved fountain pens.

kit: so did you get me a souvenir or not, jacques

jacques: souvenir? I thought you said

kit: JACQUES WE ARE ADULTS DON’T YOU DARE BEETHOVEN ME

jacques: edward lear

jacques: here’s this book of delightful nonsense poetry.

kit: how could you]

[while bea is pregnant with sunny –

bertrand: what about sunny?

lemony: bertrand baudelaire.

lemony: you come into my house.

lemony: you marry my wife.

beatrice, across the room: I married both of you???

lemony: and you have the audacity.

lemony: to suggest we name our daughter after our high school drama teacher.

bertrand: okay but your reaction isn’t necessarily a no]

[varricmancer]

The Golden Halla | 2

** Cross-posted on AO3 ** 

Pairing: Cullen Rutherford x F!OC

Summary:  The Inquisition has been sent a gift of thanks for assisting the Dalish clan in the Exalted Plains - a Golden Halla, said only to appear in times of need. However, the creature is much more than it appears to be.

A/N: Part 2 is here! So for this part, let us pretend we didn’t have to choose between the templars and the mages because I always hated that. porque no los dos? Anyway, that will explain how Cole is already there. We’ve saved the templars and Quizzy is off doing things with the mages right now. 

 Cullen stood in the middle of the training grounds, barking out orders while keeping one eye on the stables not far away. When he had awoken this morning, there had been nothing out of the ordinary - besides him waking up on the stable floor covered in straw and dirt but feeling more refreshed than he had in he didn’t know how long. 

The halla had been napping comfortably in her stall and there was no sign of the woman he’d caught a glimpse of before he’d passed out. He decided she was most likely just a product of his hallucinations. Or perhaps he’d been so out of it a demon had appeared when he’d been most vulnerable. He didn’t know, but with no sign of her again he’d gone about his day, all the while keeping a suspicious eye on the stables. 

His stomach grumbled violently and he realized he was hungry. Really, truly, voraciously hungry. It had been so long since he could stomach more than a bit of broth and bread. 

He cast one last furtive glance towards the stables before dismissing his men to other duties and strode towards the tavern. He found an open table near the back of the building, one that had a wall to his back and gave him a full view of the room. He could feel the eyes as people tried to be sneaky about watching him, since he was a bit of an oddity in here. He normally took his meals in his tent in case he felt sick. 

When the tavern maid came for his order, he let his stomach do the talking. One big bowl of stew with a possible need for seconds, buttered bread, a generous chunk of cheese, and whatever sweet they had prepared for after. 

He got comfortable while he waited, tearing off his gloves and coat, allowing himself to drop his shoulders and relax...and apparently too soon as he was soon joined by a couple of the Inquisition stragglers, plopping their own bowls onto his table with unapologetic grins. 

“Hey, Curly. Glad to see you feeling better,” Varric greeted, sliding in next to him and sliding a tankard towards him. 

“Was I ill?” Cullen grumbles, though he still accepts the mug and takes a small sip. It wouldn’t do for his men to see their commander getting sloshed, but he figured a tiny bit wouldn’t hurt. 

“Ah, it was a secret. Gotcha,” the tiresome dwarf winked.

Cullen rolls his eyes and quietly thanks the maid as she sets his feast before him. He tears into the stew, closing his eyes with a content sigh as he’s able to hold it down without belly fighting him. 

“Why do you call him Curly? He walks as straight as the rest of you,” the young man (questionable) who came with Varric questions. What was his name again? Cole? 

“It’s the hair, kid. He used to let it fly about in its natural state. These days he’s gotten it rather tamed, so now it’s ironic. Understand?” 

“Yes?” 

The dwarf snorts and waves his hand for another drink for himself. 

Cullen is thankful that for the most part, the two seem willing to simply sit there and let him enjoy his food. It’s not until his belly begins to settle as he’s tearing into his dessert that he realizes that slighting scratching sound he’d been hearing was the dwarf writing next to him, only pausing on occasion to answer Cole’s persistent questions.  

He must have felt Cullen’s curious glance because he looked up and shrugged. 

“Thinking of writing about...all this shit.” 

Cullen nods, hardly surprised.

He observes the dwarf write a few more lines before he stops, looking up thoughtfully. 

“Hey, Commander. Describe the most beautiful skin you’ve ever seen.” 

Cullen sputters, nearly choking on the bite of the berry dessert he’d been savoring. 

“Maker’s breath. What? Why?” 

He waves his quill around, “Having a blockage. I doubt you could do worse than me. I said ‘Bronzed.” 

Cullen quirks an eyebrow, wondering what was wrong with that. In fact, he remembered thinking that about the woman he’d seen last night. But...he supposed that wasn’t the correct coloring anyway. 

“Sand...y?” 

“Sand is a decent color, I guess. Hardly flattering though.” 

Cullen thought back to his vision. Sand wasn’t right. No, it was beautiful...shimmering...the color of honey…

“Skin like wildflower honey, dark and rich. He wonders if she tastes as sweet...why would he want to eat her?” 

Cullen blushes madly as the creature stares at him curiously from under that hideous hat. 

Varric chuckles lowly, the knowing tone grating on Cullen’s nerves. 

“Well, well. The Commander has the soul of a poet. Mind if I borrow that?” 

Cullen sighs and pushes up from the table. 

“Do as you will, dwarf. Tell your...friend there to stay out of my head.” 

He turned and stomped from the Tavern and pretended he wasn’t trying to escape to his tent due to embarrassment. He was a grown man and a soldier, after all. He was simply taking the time to look over reports. 

***

He reemerged several hours later, needing a break. He recalled he was going to take Grace out for a ride and decided now was as good a time as any. One of the men assigned to the stables asked if he wanted him to prepare her for his ride, but he liked to do things himself. Gave him a chance to look over his gear for safety and gave Grace a little extra attention. 

He strode into the stables, still keeping a slight eye out. For what, he didn’t know. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. A few horses, a single Hart, and that golden Halla were it’s only occupants. One of the reports he’d looked over earlier had mentioned a noble sending some livestock to help care for the refugees here, so he would have to allocate some space for cows and sheep since he wasn’t sure how many there were. Surely more than could fit in here. 

He shrugged, trying to banish thoughts of reports and hallucinations from his mind. He spared a glance towards the Halla as she popped her head over the gate, watching him move around the stables. Thankfully, she stayed quiet. He gave her a quick pet on her snout to thank her, and she nuzzled into his hand. She was sweet and well-behaved at least. Though a bit spoiled, if the instructions left by their latest elven recruit was anything to go by. Three meals a day, as well as snacks to be made available in the stables. One of those meals was a warm oatmeal mash with berries and honey for breakfast! She ate better than he did...though he supposed that was mostly his own fault. 

He saddled Grace, checking over his gear for any repair needs as he did so. The poor thing was practically quivering with excitement. 

“Almost, sweetheart.” 

When he finally got the lead on her and started pulling her from the stables, you could practically feel Grace’s relief. He sighed, internally promising to take her out more. 

As he led her past the stalls, the Halla nickered in a way that sounded almost sad.  

He pauses, remembering that he’d heard Halla were extremely intelligent and knew she was probably trying to tell him something. 

“Are you wanting out, too?” 

She shook her whole head, ears flapping. He snorted, taking that as an agreement. 

“The Commander of the Inquisition can’t be seen wandering around with pets, Hana, and that’s pretty much all you are. I’ll tell the stable boys to let you out to graze later.” 

Her ears flatten and she settles her chin on the top of her stall gate. Maker’s breath, she was pouting? Was he seeing things or was this Halla really smart enough to pull such a trick? 

His heart melted a little, thinking that it was probably hard for the creature to go from the open wilderness to being shut up in a box all day. He sighed and grabbed another lead from the wall. 

“Fine. You walk behind Grace. No pulling or stopping every few seconds. The moment you start to act up, I will untie you and let the demons have at you.” 

The beast perked up immediately, prancing as he started towards her with the lead and opened her gate. He brought the lead towards her face and she turned away, backing up slightly. 

“You can’t go running free. Not everyone knows or cares that you’re “sacred.” To everyone here, you’re just a roast waiting for a fire.” 

The Halla snorted and bit the lead right out of his hand before butting him with her head. She herded him straight to Grace like she was waiting for him to lead the way already. 

Cullen sighed, saying a silent prayer to give him the patience to deal with...well, everything he has to deal with. 

“Of course you’d turn out to be just as bossy as all the other women surrounding me. Very well. Don’t wander.” 

Once they were outside, he quickly mounted his horse and began a light trot, checking behind him every few moments to see if the Halla was still there. She always was, seemingly happy to follow as long as she got to be outside. Cullen shook his head, amused with the creature. 

He made sure to nod at everyone that greeted him during his ride around the area outside Haven, holding his head high as he met the curious stares. Perhaps if he acted like having the Halla trail around behind him wasn’t strange, no one would question it. 

As they neared the lake, he slowed his horse. 

“Thirsty, ladies?” 

He jumped down and grabbed Grace’s lead, taking her towards the water. She bent over quickly, lapping at the cool water. The Halla soon trotted up and after a quick glance towards Grace, bent over to follow suit. 

“Good evening, Commander.” 

Cullen turned at the greeting, watching as the apostate Solas strode up to him. The mage usually avoided interacting with him if he could help it, understandably, so he was curious why the man would be coming to him now. 

“Good evening, Solas. Is there something I can help you with?” 

“I do not wish to bother you in what seems to be your personal time, Commander, I was simply curious about your companion there. It has been some time since I’ve seen a Halla with such distinctive markings.” 

Cullen chuckled, scratching his chin as he turned to watch the creature in question shake the water from her face and trot over to him. She nuzzled into his shoulder while she stared at the elf. 

“Ah, yes. A gift from the Dalish, although I’m fairly certain they mostly just wanted her away from the fighting in the plains. Apparently, she’s sacred. Ah, but of course you’d know more than I do.” 

The elf merely hummed, cocking his head as he continued studying the Halla. Cullen didn’t think she was that different to warrant such a stare. 

“There is...something different about her.” 

Cullen quirked an eyebrow, turning from Solas to look at Hana. She continued quietly staring at the elf, all while nudging herself closer and closer to Cullen. If she was Mabari, this would be standard behavior if they sensed a threat. 

“What do you mean?” 

Solas narrowed his eyes, studying Hana. Finally, he shrugged, turning to Cullen with a very slight smile. 

“I am not certain. She seems strongly connected to the fade. Perhaps that is why the Dalish consider her sacred. Either way, she seems very attached to you, Commander. I’ve heard that Halla pick their people, much like Mabari do.” 

“I believe in this case she merely thinks she’s found the biggest pushover, considering how I’m letting her ride along with us,” Cullen huffs a self-deprecating laugh. 

“Even normal Halla are very intelligent, Commander. She considers you worthy.” 

Cullen blinked in surprise, glancing down at the Halla. Hana finally looked away from the elf long enough to meet his gaze, nickering in what must be agreement. Or a demand for treats. 

“Huh.” 

Solas actually chuckled quietly, turning to leave. 

“Enjoy your evening, Commander.” 

Once Solas was once again out of sight, disappearing into Haven’s gates, Hana finally stepped away from his side. 

“You’re not fond of the mage, eh girl? He seems alright, for an apostate. Keeps to himself. But I know animals are usually smarter than me, so I’ll try to remember your warning,” Cullen murmured quietly, scratching the top of her head as he walked back over to Grace. 

She snorted, likely in agreement that she was indeed a far superior being to him. He shook his head fondly as he mounted Grace once more. Hana watched, waiting quietly for Grace to settle before they both settled into a comfortable trot back towards the stables. 

Both creatures seemed tired out enough that they went into their stalls without protest. He brushed down Grace and gave her some oats and an apple, and after dealing with Hana’s expectant gaze the whole time, did the same for her. 

“Alright, ladies. I’ll leave you to your rest. Grace, I promise to take you out again tomorrow. Hana, you can even come along again if you continue to behave yourself.” 

Maker, he was conversing more with the animals than he did with anyone else. He sighed and shook his head, striding out of the stables without a backward glance, thoughts of training schedules and requisitions back to take over his mind. 

***

The nightmare was here. Some tiny part of him knew it was a nightmare, but it didn’t stop the remembered pain and agony. The fingers ripping his skin, laughing at his misery. The feeling of mouths and heat in places he didn’t want them. He felt the excruciating sharp sting as chain ripped into the skin at his back and he screamed. Screamed for mercy, for deliverance, for death even…

The nightmare fled as his mind was coated with a golden light, easing him into a state of half-awareness. His exhausted eyes cracked open enough to catch the glimpse of the one that had been on the edge of his mind since the night before. The waterfall of snow-white hair, the honey-tinted shimmering bare skin, kind amber eyes boring into him as she calmly stroked his face. 

“Shhh, I am here. You are safe. Hamin elvyr, ma' enansal.” 

Cullen could do nothing more than let the beautiful voice calm him into a deep sleep, empty of the ghosts of the past that haunted him. 

A/N: Unless I messed it up, the Dalish should translate to “Rest easy, my blessing.” Take from that what you will ;) 

[mercysought]

GETTING  TO  KNOW  THE  MUN :

NAME :  Captain Skells, the skeleton NICKNAME :   Skells, and a lot of variations of it that I love dearly FACECLAIM :   There are many, many skeletons in the corpse bride movie. I use basically all of them. But I feel a particular attachment to the girl in the pink dress, the boy in the sailor suit, bonejangles and  elder gutknecht. for different moods PRONOUNS :   Prefer she/her. though I’m not fussed. HEIGHT : 5′3 BIRTHDAY : 20th of July AESTHETIC :   Grey everything (and I will fight you if you say it’s a boring colour). become captain snark when bitch mode engaged. drinking black tea at 2 am when she wants to sleep properly during the night (bad decision making). dancing skeletons. cats. swearing into the air. different coloured berets and a line skirts. nap summer away. I have a pinterest for this LAST  SONG  YOU  LISTENED  TO :   lmao, actually Spring from Vivaldi, being played (and conducted) by Itzhak Perlman FAVORITE  MUSE (S)  YOU’VE  WRITTEN : Actually hard to say, since I’m a multi muse I’ve picked up all of these muses for different reasons. I will say that the priestess has helped me understand my own anger better, also to attempt to understand religion and how deeply it can be twisted. maxima has helped me gain some actually confidence, and allowed me to explore how deeply lonely it can be to feel to be stuck in the middle of a stream where no sides want you.

* GETTING  TO  KNOW  THE  ACCOUNT :

WHAT  INSPIRED  YOU  TO  TAKE  ON  THIS  MUSE :  I think it depends! I’m mostly inspired by music and sometimes real life concepts (like religion, racism and how society reacts to those).

the priestess was (unbeknownst to me) my anger and my curiosity towards religious extremism. Though that only really comes into play in the main verse. Otherwise it’s mostly how a woman that has been mostly shaped by war, mental health and fertility issues navigates a world and continues living despite the amount of times that it’s tried to knock her down.

maxima was... you know that person that when she walks in everyone’s eyes just seem to be drawn to her? I wanted to feel what it might be to write someone like that, just confident. Also explore the feeling of being a part of two worlds and how society would react to people like her.

himsulem was someone that I had started writing for a fic when I first wrote the priestess. He is a kind man, and one of family. one that died fighting for what he thought he needed to do to get the priestess back. It is a mix of selfishness but also of sacrifice and how that lead to tragedy (a theme you’ll find pretty common).

manala was also another character that I started developing, I brought her here because there might be times I wanted to explore something through her eyes instead of through the priestess’. Also writing a child can be fun.

anora is my queen, the one true queen of ferelden after rowan. The first time that I played the games I used to hate her (for the reasons that most of the community does), but then I came to realise how much I loved her lmao. She is just unbending and the way that society reacts to a woman like her is interesting and telling.

abel and émilie can be put in a bundle, they came around when I wanted to try and write something like Cole was in the last games. More with émilie than necessarily with Abel. I wanted to have it switch and how death can take a lot from you. Without going into too much detail, abel and émilie’s personalities are torn in different ways when they die. abel letting a lot of anger towards himself and god become a more common occurrence in his life when he tends to be stoic. While émilie, someone that defied the chantry and died attempting to release others, ends up forgetting who she was (much like the rest of the world had forgotten all the mages in the white spire). Also to explore relationships between siblings (I am an old child so). Also this forced me to become a lot less physically tied to details and helped me explore a more flowery metaphorical type of writing which I liked and then lead me to creating the gentleman.

loane, she came about when I wanted to write a dwarf. The idea that she is a second generation surfacer with both set of grandparents being dusters was just something that stuck to me. Someone that does not care about politics, religion, where she came from, she just wants to do good. and kill monsters. A good person, really, at heart

moe I wanted to incorporate grime music into my writing, or at least some concepts of it but since I tend to prefer to write fantasy I wasn’t really able to fit? properly at least. and Moe allowed me that, she is super colourful (also something I don’t tend to do) and just loud despite being non verbal. Which is another thing that I wanted to do and attempt to describe.

the gentleman is someone that came to me while watching the music video of din.ner and di.atribes by hozier and then smaller bits of other characters. I also wanted to have a character where I would be able to really put a lot of effort into making a piece that people go ‘wow’. Not that I don’t try with other characters (because lmao I do) but because his concept and view on life and on other people’s characters allows me space for it.

WHAT  ARE  YOUR  FAVORITE  ASPECTS  OF  YOUR  CURRENT  MUSE :   

the priestess, how deeply indoctrination can really mess up a life view that used to be so opposed to the idea that one follows now. I really like to write the more kind, protective side to her, even if she tends to be distant.

maxima, being a little shit that knows she can just put on the charm and that it’ll work with most people. Having show small signs of anger and have it be like a ‘oh shit moment’ because she is someone that doesn’t tend to really show those emotions despite being a deeply wounded and angry person (more on the witcher than in DA, but you know)

himsulem, his mood of being a soft giant, but one that commands a lot of respect.

manala, just describing a nice childhood and the relationship between her and a woman that might not be her blood mother (in most verses) it’s still her mother at heart.

anora, she’s a baddass bitch and ruler. I love her.

abel, just how stoic he is and how tightly controlled he keeps everything and still feels comfortable in that situation. He is fine in it, he is a shy, reserved person and feels no need to really be anyone else. He’s deeply unapologetic about that.

émilie, she can be a snark ball and I love it in her. She knows what is right, what she wants and goes and gets it.

loane her humour, the fact that she tries so hard.

moe she’s so smart and so driven. I wish I could show it better in writing but

the gentleman just the different way of writing that he’s allowed me to have. This distant but there presence. Also, I hope a soothing if not unnerving presence.

WHAT’S  YOUR  BIGGEST  INSPIRATION  WHEN  IT  COMES  TO  WRITING : Music, music always.

FAVORITE  TYPES  OF  THREADS :   Plotted threads, threads that allow me to write in other verses other than DA (I love, LOVE those and tend to prefer them over having other people write a DA verse). Like I will write a whatever verse your character is in instead. I love seeing where characters might fit and write that out. 

BIGGEST  STRUGGLE  IN  REGARDS  TO  YOUR  CURRENT  MUSE :  This tends to me more of a ‘me’ thing than a muses thing. So basically if I’m stressed or anxious I tend to either not be able to write at all.

TAGGED BY : @goldenornstein ( thank you!! )

Tagging: considering yourself tagged fingerguns 

[nakmor-leigh]

I’m gonna go on an untagged tangent about Cullen from DAI under the cut, so Cullen stans please ignore this

Also, sorry to those on mobile who have to scroll past this.

Okay so in the past few days that I’ve gone through the DAI tag, and JUST the DAI tag, NOT the Cullen Rutherford tag, i’ve noticed a few things. Mostly, that the same few people who fawn over Soldier Boy also condemn and bash Blackwall and the people who like him for the things that Bwall has done. 

And yes I know i’m falling into the really common tactic of “Well you can’t hate this character bc this character you like is EVEN SHITTIER.”, but listen i need to bitch bc this feels like a problem. I’m also refraining from telling people to stop liking Cullen bc i’m not about that, and he would be a really good character if his story arc wasn’t handled like complete garbage.

Like, I’ll understand if they don’t really see how twisted that is bc they’ve only played Inquisition, bc I hadn’t played the previous games in my first few play throughs of Inquisition, and while I didn’t really care for Cullen I could at least stand him. But since I HAVE played the previous games, those Cullen stans honestly piss me off. 

What Blackwall did was unquestionably HORRENDOUS, but he spends literally the entire time afterward doing everything he can to make up for it, except publicly own up to it. But even then, if he’s treated right he does own up to it, tries to DIE for it, then spends the next THREE YEARS making it up by talking to the families and people whose lives he ruined, on top of helping others atone for their own crimes.

But with CULLEN? He’s brutalized innocent mages AND TEMPLARS because of perceived slights born of prejudice. And yes, I know he was tortured, but this falls under “Cool motive, still murder.”. Other characters in game have trauma too, but everyone else seems to know that acting out on it is not okay. Hell, Cole almost kills the templar who killed the original Cole bc of HIS trauma, but literally everyone there with him stop him and are like “What he did was inexcusable, but you can’t lash out at people like this.” and that was COLE’S ABUSER HIMSELF. I have trauma too, but you don’t see me stabbing every MAN I come across just bc I think he might possibly harm me. My trauma is valid, so is Cole’s, so is Cullen’s. What ISN’T is how Cullen reacted to it.

But what do we get out of him in Inquisition, IMMEDIATELY after being Meredith’s right hand man? “I’m not proud of the man I became after that” and THAT’S IT. No “What I did back then and up to this point wasn’t okay.” or even any action to see that he still doesn’t believe that he was in the right for killing those people. In Inquisition he treats it as “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that, but I did and it’s over with.”.

Can you imagine how tense Varric must have been, having traveled with Hawke? He chooses to stay with the Inquisition despite Cassandra, who also beat him and threatened him at knife point, being present bc he knows it’s the right thing to do, but then he finds out that Cullen “I beat mages for looking at me wrong”  Rutherford is in COMMAND of the Inquisitions ARMED FORCES. And if THAT’S not enough to have him on edge, there’s the chance that the Herald themselves is a mage too.  Varric knows that the Anchor might keep them safe because they’re needed, but he also knows that, in a templars mind, the mark might still be used by a Tranquil.

Then he still tries and befriends Cullen, bc Varric is a great guy, but only after he’s sure that Cullen’s really on the Inquisitor’s side.

And listen, i’m proud of Cullen for getting over his lyrium addiction, bc that is a TREMENDOUS feat in itself. But I can’t help but feel that this covers the fact that the chances of him feeling justified in taking all of those lives are really, really high.

So yeah, Blackwall killed people. He needed to pay for that and he does for the rest of his life and earns the forgiveness given to him by fans. But Cullen fucking Rutherford is a hypocrite and an unapologetic abuser, and that’s something I can’t overlook despite his strengths.

Also he’s fucking everywhere in every single fucking DAI tag there is and I can’t forgive his fans for that. This is besides the point, but while I’m here I also want to shatter the kneecaps of every Cullen stan who plague The Iron Bull fic tags with their writings wherein he’s the side bitch for their white dainty Quizzy while she and Cullen are STILL TOGETHER. “Hurr durr hurr I’m the Iron Bull I looooove fucking so i’m totally gonna help this basic chick cheat on her man even though I’m good friends with both her and the guys she’s currently with.��� LIKE FUCK YOU GUYS IN PARTICULAR

[doomedandstoned]

Black Leather Chose Us: The Wild Debut of HIGH REEPER!

~By Billy Goate~

Oh, boy, do we have a treat for you today, Doomers & Stoners! Heavy Psych Sounds have gotten ahold of another killer spin and you get to be the first to hear it today. Meet HIGH REEPER from Philly. I remember listening to the self-titled debut by High Reeper on a long walk. As soon as it was over, I started it again...and then again after that. The songs on High Reeper have a kind of sinister verve that appeals to my rebel spirit, something that's evident right away from opening number "Die Slow." The incredible energy of the riffmaking and rhythm section keeps the pace going strong in "Chrome Hammer." The next track, "Soul Taker" (one of my favs), gives us a fresh take on the style of doom immortalized by Black Sabbath and the crew of early '70s proto-metallers.

Speaking of crew, let's meet our cast:

Shane Trimble (bass)

Zach Thomas (vox)

Pat Daly (guitar)

Andrew Price (guitar)

Napz Mosley (drums)

Photo by David Norbut

Man, it's no wonder this album is a party -- and a damned heavy one -- from start to finish. What you're noticing this deep into the album is nothing sounds sluggish or half-hearted. High Reeper have bottled up all the excitement of a barnstorming, arena-filled stage show in these nine tracks. It's clear that the band wants you to experience this record in a single spin and have put a lot of thought into the placement of each song to keep you engaged throughout.

Some other highlights include the namesake track, "High Reeper," with a fun drum solo, and the devilish grin of "Reeper Deadly Reeper" -- perhaps the doomiest song on the record. It will be impossible to keep from making comparisons with Orchid, Purple Hill Witch, R.I.P. -- bands that have material rooted in the Sabbath legacy, yet succeed wildly in crafting a fresh sound that is distinctly their own. Clearly, a lot of thought has gone into these tracks, as nothing came across to me as trite or forced.

The record just couldn't sound better to my ears, either -- engineered by bassist Shane Trimble himself. The album, which releases this Friday, March 16th, and is available in limited transparent orange vinyl and standard black, as well as in CD and digital formats (I noticed some cool bundles, too). Pre-order on Heavy Psych Sounds right here.

Some buzz:

High Reeper’s self-titled debut is an unapologetic punch to the face for fans of early ‘70s proto-metal. The sound and smell of leather, weed, boozing, gambling and death permeate the record from start to finish. Nine tracks that run from up-tempo straight ahead rock, to slowed down, heavy, early doom. With a rhythm section throwing down grooves that are deeper than the darkest abyss and guitars big enough to put a hole in your chest, the record’s finale hits just as hard as its opening track. Vocals that soar above the guitars with laser like precision, while delivering a direct hit to your soul. (Heavy Psych Sounds)

Interview with Shane Trimble from High Reeper

By Shawn Gibson

I think I've listened to the new album about twice now. The sound it has a punch to it, kind of like a raised middle finger! I like the edge you’ve honed in on.

Thanks, I'm a bit of a gear nerd and shit, and I’m real into that kind of shit.

That's right, you recorded and produced the album, didn't you?

Yes, I’ve been doing that for a very, very, very, long time. Like for twenty-five years, probably. I had a very good teacher.

Yeah?

A crazy mentor! His name is Mike Tarsia and he was a lead engineer at Sigma Sound Studios in Philadelphia. They had 'Young Americans' (1975) by Bowie recorded there. When I first started recording, I learned at our big studio in New York. It was all right place at the right time; it had nothing to do with me. Mike is still my mentor, he mastered the record. I wouldn't be able to do anything without that guy! I would be able to do what I do, without him. He's as fantastic a guy as the day is long. It's always great to be able to take great knowledge and great expertise handed down from a great teacher. He's not just a teacher, but also a very close friend.

Explain the name High Reeper.

(laughs) We were throwing out names and that got thrown out there. "Oh it's so over the top,” we thought, but it was appropriate so we went with it.

Sure, I dig it.

If you’re going to go, go all the way!

What’s that like getting signed and being on Heavy Psych Sound Records? Is that pretty badass?

Well, we just started this for ourselves; we had no intention of putting it out or anything like that. We just wanted to make a stoner rock like Sabbath’s kind of recorded but for ourselves. We thought we were just going to play four or five live shows and have something to have fun with and get drunk together. We've all been in bands together over the last ten years in one form or another playing all kinds of music. Once this was recorded, the reaction was very positive. Long story short, we hired this PR guy, fantastic guy, right before the album was to be released digitally, we got signed. One morning I wake up with like four labels offering to put out the record and I was like, "What?"

The funny thing is once things started taking off, we hired a PR firm, and I personally had emailed every label who I thought was cool. I can’t stress this enough: Heavy Psych Sounds was our first choice. I was talking to another label and he was like “I’d love to put this out; I can’t do this for a while. I can definitely put out your second record. But have you tried X label, have you tried Y label? Have you tried Heavy Psych Sounds?”

I said, "Yes! I sent them our records forever and never got a response." He said, "Don't worry. I'll get in touch with them." He gave them the record that morning and then Gabriele from our label Gabriele Fiori he is the lead singer and guitarist for Black Rainbows. Super, super band. I don't know if you ever listened to them. They have a new album coming out, it's killer. So Gabriele and I started talking, I would say it's surreal for all of us to now be on the label, the only label we wanted to be on, you know. We love the aesthetic of the label. We love the bands on the label. It would be impossible for me to express our gratitude and how happy and satisfied we are to be on our label.

Definitely.

The main thing is when you’re doing something like when you’re on a label, you want the right fit. There's plenty of awesome labels. This label you know I was hoping was the right fit for us and after talking to Gabriele, that it certainly was the right thing for us. We thought it was a no-brainer at that point.

Well I'm happy for you!

We are in disbelief every day. We are extremely grateful. It's crazy, we can’t believe it. We are happy this is the outcome and we certainly weren't imagining anything like this when we wrote the record. We really made it and mixed it for ourselves, thinking that it wasn't a record made with the intent to get a record deal our play in any kind of scene or anything like that that's just, "Oh no." It took on a life of its own. It's still bizarre. None of us can believe it. (laughs)

So it makes it that much more meaningful because it's truly organic. It's all from the heart, it's your passion.

Yeah it’s crazy, you know, we're reminded of it every day, messages on Facebook and Instagram. We don't even have a record even out, you know. Was it the Doom Charts? Bucky Brown managed to give away like 50 or a hundred download codes before the record was to come out, right before we got signed. So our record has floated out there with some people, digitally. There are people who heard it and who have it and are really fans and they reach out to us and tell what they think and it's been great. It's been rewarding and we appreciate them. I don't know if it will be possible to convey how much we appreciate them. It certainly makes us feel good to connect any way possible, as much as possible. To be as accessible as possible.

I see that you guys are from Philly, Delaware area. Do you have any skaters in your band?

Well, Andrew and Pat are both skaters.

I was wondering if any of you guys skated LOVE Park.

Oh yeah, like a million times.

I've seen it in several skate videos all the CKY’s any of BAM’s footage Chris Cole's parts. Even guys from everywhere else coming to skate there. Being from the southeast, I got a lot of love for LOVE Park. I've heard sometimes you couldn't skate if you weren't local.

Yeah, it can be rough sometimes. No doubt, it's Philly. (laughs) That's just the way it is, man.

Nice segue to my next question. Were you witness to any of the anarchy that happened after Eagles won the Super Bowl?

Well, Zach went to the parade. The night of the Super Bowl, let’s see where was Zach watching it? Zach was at the parade, everyone else stayed home and the night of the Super Bowl, no one was out. Andrew's brother however did after they won, I don't even know what went on there! Zach was at the parade, like a trooper. I'm not sure if he remembers, so if you ever meet him or talk to him you can ask him any questions you want, but I don’t think you’re going to get many answers. (laughs)

Back to the music, for a moment. What are some influences for High Reeper?

Oh, man. Obviously, Black Sabbath. You have to remember our intent of the record was. We weren't thing we were going to put anything out "we should make something that sounds like Sabbath yak know?" I want the vocals to sound like "Behind The Wall Of Sleep." It’s what like the third song on the first Sabbath record? That's why the vocals are loud, they have the double on them from the delay, except it's not pan-crazy like on the record, the Sabbath record.

Honestly, any band that rocks, whether it's Sabbath or Deep Purple. I don't know if you ever heard of this band from like 2000 -- The Datsuns, they're from New Zealand. Anything that rocks man! For us more than anything, it would be older bands. Zach is super into everything that is in stoner and doom. He's really on top of everything. The rest of the guys listen to it, but Zach is on top of every new release that comes out. I would say the vocals weren't dirty; they’re not swimming in delay. They are, there's a ton of reverb on them. It doesn't have that new doom sound because it wasn't really made to be one of those records, that wasn't even the fault when we were making it, just because we were making it for ourselves. Motorhead that's another one, one of those crazy ones. Any of the heavy rocking bands like Thin Lizzy, that's all.

Hell, yeah! What would be a damn good book you've read?

The Keith Richards autobiography.

I need to read that.

That would be a damn good book for anyone that's played music or anyone who wants to read about an interesting guy. I can’t tell you how much we love the Stones. They may not be doom, they may not be metal, but they are the baddest motherfuckers on two feet! It doesn't show in this album, but we love those guys. Pat and I are super Stones-heads -- Andrew, too. We just love that shit.

On a lighter note, what is something that will make you laugh uncontrollably?

The movie Burnt (2015) with Bradley Cooper. It makes me laugh uncontrollably every day, I watch it almost every day. It's as bad as a movie can be.

I'll have to check that out! What are some bands around the Delaware-Philly area that you guys like a lot and or like to play with?

Ecstatic Vision, for one. We are playing with Heavy Temple, who are awesome, at our record release show and Hound, who are stripped down 70's style rock -- they rock! Of course, Ruby the Hatchet, we would love to play with them. We think they're fantastic!

That would be a badass show!

Oh yeah man, a lot of good bands in the scene, for sure. Yeah it's very encouraging and everybody’s cool and nice. That never hurts.

We should also mention that you're playing Doomed & Stoned Fest III in Indianapolis in October.

Yes! We're really excited about that! Super fucking stoked, man!

Awesome! We're really looking forward to both that and the release of your debut LP this Friday.

Thanks! We really thrilled and grateful you're writing about the record. We weren't making this record to put it out, but were glad that it came out. We're fucking thrilled! It's something that snowballed! We’re just so happy to be on Heavy Psych Sounds and be going on tour. It's just really great.

What a beautiful ride!

Absolutely wild.

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[by-ilmater]

Thoughts on dalton castle!!!!!!

man, okay. i’ve said some stuff before about why i love him, but i’ll try to elaborate.

dalton castle, as a character, means a lot to me. aside from being fun and colorful and witty and everything i love on an aesthetic level, he’s probably one of the best handled queer-coded characters i can think of in wrestling. he is uncompromisingly himself, he doesn’t apologize for who he is, he loves it and flaunts it. he is a super talented, kick-ass wrestler that deserves all the recognition and respect in the world, and he demands it, even when other wrestlers underestimate him.

i think i’m gonna copypasta some stuff i said to you on discord because it’s also relevant here:

i'm thinking about dalton's current fued with cody, and just how perfect it is? like, how perfectly matched they are as rivalsbecause cody is this arrogant, hypermasculine character who comes from literal wrestling royalty: his dad was the american dream dusty rhodesand he never lets anyone forget that facthe's better than everyone else and he knows it. he has the pedigreeand dalton is just this flamboyant, ridiculous dude, comes from nowhere but constantly strives for greatness and recognition and is coming up against cody for the big roh titlelike, who is this guy? how fucking dare he?there was a point when cody attacked dalton backstage and literally called him a "novelty act"but dalton? couldn't give 2 fucks what cody or anyone else thinks about him. he's good, he's so good and he knows iti just....need him to win roh champion, it would be so perfect and sweet for him to really prove himself in the biggest way

he also had a similar dynamic in the past with adam cole, who really did not know how to handle dalton. he wanted to scoff and write him off, but dalton just kept proving himself again and again.

it also just makes me so happy that he’s SO over, as well. i’m so used to being the person that loves the less popular B characters, but everyone fucking loves dalton castle. as they should, he’s entertaining as hell to watch. he has fun doing what he does, and i could watch him do deadlift germans all day long, GOD.

TL;DR i love dalton castle because he’s a flamboyant, colorful, glam rock god of a wrestler who is queer-coded and unapologetically himself and also incredibly good at what he does

[theteenagetrickster]

75 Best Hip-Hop and R&B Albums of 2019, Ranked

For the final time of 2019, we’ll see you in the comments.

Before you begin scrolling through our list of the 75 best hip-hop and R&B albums of 2019, likely without reading any of the words we affixed to many of them, let’s make sure we’re all on the same page.

The eligibility period for this list is December 24, 2018, through December 9, 2019.

If an artist and/or their record label labeled a project as an “EP,” it was disqualified. We are publishing that list on Friday.

Our entire editorial team determined the selections (and the order of the albums listed). Please don’t send Donna your nasty emails.

No, we’re not on the payroll of “Insert Popular Artist Here.” But, we’d love an investment. Have them email Z.

This list is our list—not yours. We don’t expect, nor do we want, you to agree with every album selection or our ordering; we do want you to discover a few great albums you probably missed throughout the past 12 months and press play.

Great, let’s begin. Happy Holidays.

75. Radamiz — Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes

“Lately been accepting my mortality, nobody ever told you that your parents goin’ to get older, too,” Radamiz raps on “Shadowboxing,” the intro to his perfectly-titled sophomore album, Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes. It’s one of many lines that will jump out upon every revisit. Radamiz is a rapper who breathes universal truths, who candidly speaks of being a passion-driven and dreaming-chasing millennial fighting against the odds and the clock. Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes is East Coast hip-hop from a student of the game, who gives an honest portrait of his life with fiery rhymes, and head-nodding production that solidifies Radamiz as one of the best new rappers coming from New York. —Yoh

74. Wale — Wow… That’s Crazy

73. Lil Peep — Everybody's Everything

72. MIKE — Tears of Joy

71. Deem Spencer — Pretty face

70. Yung Baby Tate — GIRLS

Do not forget Yung Baby Tate. On the list of newcomers who released projects in 2019 that put on display their world-conquering star power, Yung Baby Tate shines. GIRLS, Tate’s independent debut, is vividly painted with shades of luscious vocals, radio-ready songwriting, and bright-colored, post-Nicki Minaj lyricism. You’ll remember Tate as the charming, Atlanta-born songstress who rapped, sung, wrote, and self-produced all 15 tracks. Tate is every woman, but also every artist, a living compilation of styles and genres. While GIRLS may be her first full-length offering, the album successfully represents her wide-ranging talents, and why Yung Baby Tate is on the road to a takeover. —Yoh

69. Baby Keem — DFMB

68. Medhane — Own Pace

67. YG — 4REAL 4REAL

66. Kaina — Next to the Sun

65. 03 Greedo & Kenny Beats — Netflix & Deal

Ever wonder what a Netflix binging session with your favorite rapper and producer would be like? 03 Greedo and Kenny Beats’ collaborative debut is the closest you’ll get this year. There’s no underlying concept about cinema’s relationship to rap or trying to create a #cinematic experience; Greedo raps about movies he used to watch in his trap house over a sampling of Kenny’s eclectic beats. Netflix & Deal is as brisk and exciting as any John Wick movie. You know bodies will be caught, but the thrill comes from seeing how they will top themselves this time. Movie magic. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

64. Big K.R.I.T. — K.R.I.T. Iz Here

63. Roddy Ricch — Please Excuse Me For Being Antisocial

62. Dreamville — Revenge of The Dreamers III

61. Wiki — OOFIE

60. Malibu Ken — Malibu Ken

Aesop Rock deserves to have a little fun. Teaming up with producer TOBACCO for , he puts his extensive vocabulary to use, describing plants dying from neglect on tour and the inner workings of Bob Ross paintings. TOBACCO’s woozy pre-tech synths whir and click at the speed of rap, matching Rock’s saturated yellows with nauseating greens. Malibu Ken is colorful, silly, and more than just a little morbid, a perfect slice of Magic Eye playtime handspun by two of alt-rap’s most endearing weirdos. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

59. Summer Walker — Over It

58. Jack Harlow — Confetti

57. Jhay Cortez — Famouz

56. Young Dolph & Key Glock — Dum and Dummer

55. Grip — Snubnose 

Snubnose, the sophomore project by Atlanta rapper Grip, is a sneaky album. The kind of independent release that sounds major from a newcomer who could be confused as a young veteran. Where there should be kinks, Snubnose appears polished; where most artists fall into a mimicry of trends, Grip leans into original storytelling. He makes 13-tracks about gun violence feel like you’re watching a violent Quentin Tarantino film, with far-less n-words. Meticulous in form, riveting in execution, Snubnose is one rap album that you won’t forget. One of the best surprises of 2019. —Yoh

54. Roc Marciano — Marcielago

53. Young Nudy & Pi'erre Bourne — Sli'merre

52. SiR — Chasing Summer

51. Kano — Hoodies All Summer

50. YBN Cordae — The Lost Boy

YBN Cordae remembers what albums sounded like during the blog era. When Kendrick Lamar made Section.80; when J. Cole made Friday Night Lights; when Chance the Rapper made Acid Rap. Cordae channels that timeframe into , his debut album on Atlantic Records. The North Carolina-born, Maryland-raised rapper weaves through a coming-of-age story with thoughtful self-reflection, pointed storytelling, and soulful nostalgia. It’s a charming, major-label effort by a developing and youthful rapper with an open, old soul. Cordae still lacks a defining identity, but at the very least, The Lost Boy proves he knows how to tell a compelling story. —Yoh

49. Flying Lotus — Flamagra

48. Injury Reserve — Injury Reserve

47. Kevin Abstract — Arizona Baby

46. SAINt JHN — Ghetto Lenny’s Love Songs

45. Griselda — WWCD

Griselda’s debut album, WWCD, does not feel like a traditional debut. The record is wider in scope and sharper in presentation. Between the ferocity of Benny The Butcher, the ear of Westside Gunn, and the mighty snarl of Conway The Machine, Griselda are Buffalo, NY’s unstoppable force. As a group, Griselda have little to prove. Alone and together, the trio have gotten cosigns from some of hip-hop’s greatest writers: Black Thought, Pusha-T, and Raekwon. Respect given is respect earned and studied, in the case of Griselda. Bar for bar, WWCD is the essence of New York street rap for the modern era.—Donna-Claire Chesman

44. Maxo Kream — Brandon Banks

43. Kemba — Gilda

42. Mereba — The Jungle Is The Only Way Out

41. Baby Rose — To Myself

40. Lucky Daye — Painted

Given this was his debut record, Lucky Daye could've played it safe. As anyone who's heard "Roll Some Mo"—Painted's lead single and Lucky's breakout hit—knows, there's a wrenching tenderness to his voice that fits like a glove atop stripped-back production. The risk he took to pepper his album with funkier pop cuts, then, is not one every artist would have taken. Fortunately, Lucky rises to the challenge, proving himself a dynamic enough artist to erase this risk altogether. Plus, when he breaks out those vocals, they're all the more affecting because they've been used sparingly.—Hershal Pandya

39. KOTA The Friend — FOTO

No album warrants a tracklist of 19 songs. Yet, in crafting a worthy spiritual successor to the Rawkus Records era of music that many fondly romanticize, KOTA The Friend comes as close as humanly possible to justifying this run-time on FOTO. The album personifies the term “easy-listening,” maintaining a consistent mood throughout between KOTA’s strikingly unaffected delivery and the delicate, jazzy production on which he raps. No slouch on the mic, KOTA possesses a rare gift for situating bravado alongside vulnerability. He conjures favorable similarities to Phonte at his best, but not so much that FOTO ever suffers for these comparisons. —Hershal Pandya

38. Future — Future Hndrxx Presents: The WIZRD

Women, wealth, and worries are the three Ws found pulsing through the veins of Future’s seventh studio album, . Lyrically, there’s nothing new under WZRD’s promethazine sun, but the magic is in his ability to resurrect old muses as revamped concepts. Future hasn’t radically changed over the years, but here the presentation is altered. WZRD is another installment of melodic confessing, hypnotic anthems, and oil-black trap production that carries the infectious torch passed down from its predecessors. Still, it stands alone as a fresh glimpse into Future’s rockstar world. —Yoh

37. Quelle Chris — Guns

Quelle Chris is self-aware enough to know that everything in this life—emotions, money, ourselves—is weaponized. His sixth studio album Guns isn’t about physical violence as much as it’s a deconstruction of the actions we take in a world slowly devouring itself. Quelle travels the roads of Trump’s America with a twisted sense of humor and animated beats as his only sidearms, jumping between characters, ideas, and planes of existence as only he can. Guns is a polemic on reality itself, a reminder that no weapon formed against a sharp mind shall prosper. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

36. Toro y Moi — Outer Peace

What good is inner peace when the outer world is falling apart? Toro y Moi’s Outer Peace combines a sleek disco sheen with contemporary rap cadences to bring pep to an increasingly passive-aggressive world. The housing market has crashed (“New House”), and sex barely sells like it used to (“Ordinary Pleasure”), but at least James Murphy is spinning records at his house tonight (“Laws of The Universe”). That cynical sense of humor alone will keep your toe tapping throughout Outer Peace, that is,if the gorgeous grooves and crushing low-end don’t. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

35. James Blake — Assume Form

The most accessible of his projects to date, is a triumphant release that marks the evolution of James Blake’s artistry, as he matures past the reductive “sad boy” label he’s famously lamented. An unapologetically romantic album, Blake sheds the claustrophobic production of his previous output in favor of shimmering compositions, genuine hooks, and winning collaborations with the likes of André 3000 and Rosalia. Retaining his lyrical flair, Blake punctuates the album with quintessential lines, like “let's go home and talk shit about everyone,” that reminds you of the artist who first grabbed your attention years ago. —Hershal Pandya

34. Bad Bunny — X 100PRE

I’m in love with the way Bad Bunny says his name. I’m a sucker for a good self-reference, but I’m even more of a sucker for the way Bad Bunny bets on his longevity. With that, X 100PRE, Bunny’s debut album, is about being everlasting in a microwaved music industry. The record covers all adjacent hip-hop genres—which, at this point, means all genres—from pop-punk to trap, to lighter fare, and ballads with fine attention to getting our hips moving. You hear Bad Bunny, and you dance; you sing your heart out; you weep, and you celebrate. In one record, Bad Bunny captured every mode of human living. —Donna-Claire Chesman

33. Kyle Dion — SUGA

There are no words to explain Kyle Dion’s amazing, stunning, arresting, becoming, disarming, endearing, charming, affirming, enchanting, beguiling, mollifying, soothing, blaring, encouraging, surprising, yearning, pining, astounding, breathtaking, stupefying, thrilling, outstanding, exciting, exhilarating, electrifying, intoxicating, moving vocal tone on SUGA. Just press play. —Donna-Claire Chesman

32. Kehlani — While We Wait

While We Wait isn’t the full entrée, it’s just the appetizer. While waiting on the full-length follow-up to 2017’s SweetSexySavage, Kehlani treated fans to a taste of where she’s heading next. Kehlani bares her soul as staunchly as she always has to provide an unfiltered look into her state of mind. On While We Wait, she’s equal parts vulnerable and commanding, struggling to move on from a complicated relationship on “Too Deep” before confidently telling off an old lover on “Nunya.” With a diverse complement of beats, storylines, and moods, there’s plenty to enjoy on this small project. —Kenan Draughorne

31. 2 Chainz — Rap or Go to the League

Twenty-three years after the late, great Notorious B.I.G. rapped, “Either you’re slinging crack rock, or you got a wicked jump shot,” Atlanta hip-hop veteran 2 Chainz stands as an example of a man who had the jump shot and sold the drugs but ultimately chose rap as his escape route from poverty. His fifth studio album, Rap or Go to the League, is an opulent celebration inspired by the city that raised him and the odds he’s overcome. Rap or go to the League is a grown man still progressing as an artist, finding his most introspective voice. —Yoh

30. slowthai — Nothing Great About Britain

An agile storyteller, Northampton’s slowthai expertly mixes elements of UK grime and drill while unpacking the micro and macro of his British upbringing. Carrying no pretensions and seamlessly style-shifting across genres with his frenetic cadence, the singular rapper makes you move and listen simultaneously. In a year that has seen British rap dominate—from DAVE and Little Simz to Skepta and Octavian—slowthai’s versatility and poignant messaging set him apart. He’s funny while commanding attention, hilariously painting stark portraits of British classism, racism, and abuse in an ultimately gripping and focused fashion. —Zach Miller

29. Maxo — LIL BIG MAN

Maxo makes growing up sound incisive and blaring. This album takes place in the crevices of the torment of maturing. is a dusty reclamation of voice, relying on traditional boom bap structures and methodical writing to deliver a solemnly eviscerating experience. The wisdom baked into LIL BIG MAN will at once inspire, surprise, and soothe you. Maxo is Def Jam’s best-kept secret, but not for much longer. —Donna-Claire Chesman

28. Lizzo — Cuz I Love You

Equal parts bold, sexy, and witty, is a commanding listen that features Lizzo at her best. Harnessing her confident mic presence and ear for massive hooks, Lizzo creates a genuinely urgent body of work. A showcase for her eclectic sensibilities, the album jumps effortlessly between the eponymous opener, which recalls the work of The Alabama Shakes, to the infectious pop stylings of “Juice,” without missing a beat. It’s a shame Lizzo infamously fixated on one mixed review because overwhelmingly, the universal response to Cuz I Love You was justifiably glowing. —Hershal Pandya

27. Anderson .Paak — Ventura

A throwback to the beloved soul music of the ’70s, is a return to form for Anderson .Paak after the mixed bag that was . The key takeaway here is Anderson .Paak is fine when he raps, but he is special when he sings. Whether via the glorious, Smokey Robinson-assisted cut, “Make It Better,” or the disarmingly danceable, “Twilight,” Ventura is a breathing testament to this takeaway. The album offers lush canvasses to showcase the stunningly silky tone of .Paak’s voice. Add to this a transcendent André 3000 guest verse, and the case for Ventura becomes undeniable. —Hershal Pandya

26. GoldLink — Diaspora

Subtlety isn’t a characteristic that listeners often encounter on a major label album; the machine believes in a straight line product that doesn’t require further explanation. That’s not GoldLink. The Maryland native is a master of music woven to unveil slowly. With , his RCA “debut,” Link has created his most subtle, yet replayable work of art. Thanks to production warm as spring, Diaspora is a splash of Utopian sunshine, yet in the shadows of his lyrics, the 26-year-old is adding his mysterious life to the lexicon of Black music. It’s the mystery that endures, not the explanation, and GoldLink shapes Diaspora to be an album that lasts. —Yoh

25. Solange — When I Get Home

Solange’s take on Houston hip-hop belongs in a museum. She treats her hometown’s “chopped and screwed” traditions with elevated care throughout When I Get Home, placing it on a golden pedestal to be admired and revered. Dispersing interludes at every turn in the form of fragmented conversations and poems, she creates a linear journey that eternally builds upon itself. When “Almeda” parades into the spotlight with strutting kicks and whooping vocals, it’s impossible not to stand and salute Solange. —Kenan Draughorne

24. Rico Nasty & Kenny Beats — Anger Management

Kenny! Rico! Together! A match perfectly made, is a brisk concept album that captures all the stages of a temper tantrum and boasts some of Rico’s best work (“Big Titties”), and highlights the duo’s impeccable chemistry. Rico made this album from the heat of anger and the thrill of the up-and-down. She imparts boundless energy unto every cut. Kenny’s production is from another plane where music is warped and only made on acid. Their collective thump and vigor make Anger Management the pump-up album of every summer. —Donna-Claire Chesman

23. billy woods — Terror Management

You can’t eat books. You can’t rest easy at night. You can’t trust those closest to you. These are the lessons of billy woods’ second album of 2019, Terror Management. A show of strength from woods, who is writing through the apocalypse, Terror Management feels like being led down a series of jagged alleyways by a dishonest narrator. A narrator who is mistrustful in their own right. The album is knotty and internal. The album is wounded and beside itself. At times, Terror Management serenades fear. Sometimes, it merely quakes in place. Sometimes, woods cracks a joke. Most importantly, Terror Management is fucking good, man. Fucking. Good. —Donna-Claire Chesman

22. Ari Lennox — Shea Butter Baby

Ari Lennox blessed my new apartment during our interview; her soul is kind, and her music is knowing. Her musings on the failures of modern dating sound scrumptious with her silky vocal texture. The beauty of Shea Butter Baby is in the way Ari captures minutiae and makes it sound regal. She does not pull from the abstract, and it’s the rootedness of her art, the humble quality of the content, that makes the album such a triumph. Ari’s professing that this record is for Black women, too, is triumphant. The beauty and love of community permeate the work. —Donna-Claire Chesman

21. Polo G — Die A Legend 

Polo G isn’t waiting to receive his flowers. At just 20 years old, the Chicago rapper’s debut album, Die A Legend,reads like a breathless statement of purpose. Life has taken too much from the rapper, born Taurus Bartlett, for him to quit now. Across the album’s 14 tracks, scars created by loved ones lost (“Deep Wounds”) and a corrupt police system (“BST”) compel his meticulous croons. Even a banger like “Pop Out” mixes the spoils of victory and pained reflection with dizzying ease. Die A Legend maintains this balance throughout, finding energy in the melancholic. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

20. Snoh Aalegra — -ugh, those feels again

Often, you'll listen to a modern R&B record, and sandwiched between trap concessions and crossover attempts, will be a bare and emotive track that'll make you wonder, “why isn’t this the album?” On , Snoh Aalegra took this approach and ran with it, constructing an album composed entirely of these deep-cuts. The effect is 14 organic songs, across which Aalegra shows remarkable restraint. Though her vocals are as lush as the production, she's careful never to over-sing or push for the emotion. As she acknowledges via the album's title, the "feels" are more of an inevitability than anything else. —Hershal Pandya

19. DaBaby — Baby On Baby

DaBaby’s Baby On Baby is 32 minutes of exhilarating trap sermons. He builds the church of Baby On Baby upon confidence pure as cocaine, a charisma so contagious it could charm the Halliwell sisters. The lively, dynamic production perfectly fits his distinctive, Southern rap voice. There are few holes to be found in DaBaby’s artistic armor; it’s refreshing to hear a new artist sound so developed. Baby On Baby is one of the most replayable albums of the year, and at this rate, we will remember 2019 as the year that DaBaby broke out and began his hip-hop takeover. —Yoh

18. Burna Boy — African Giant

With African Giant, international Nigerian superstar Burna Boy created more than a masterpiece. He created a social statement and global experience. Burna paints a spiritual picture, one that is uniquely his own, yet still feels like it belongs to all of us. African Giant is undeniably Naija, dipped in history and Yoruba dialect, leaping over language and cultural barriers. Burna’s lyrics are poignant, coasting over production charged with Afrofusion anthems, dancehall riddims, and hymns. The 19-track album is not just a vibe; it’s a victory. —Ronnia Cherry

17. Boogie — Everythings For Sale

On , Boogie accomplishes the rare feat of making an intensely personal album that is simultaneously self-aware and suitably mature enough to avoid veering into the trap of solipsism. A distinctly West Coast album that borrows influences from the Midwest, Boogie brings the specificity of his lyricism to life with pretty production, alliteration-heavy flows, and an effortless knack for melody. All of these come together to create a surprisingly pleasant listening experience, despite the album’s undeniably dense subject matter. —Hershal Pandya

16. Little Brother — May The Lord Watch

That North Carolina duo Little Brother’s exists is a blessing. It was unclear if we’d ever see Little Brother—currently comprised of rappers Phonte and Rapper Big Pooh—on a record together again, but they pulled it off. On their fifth album, they sound like they’re happy to be together again. Phonte and Pooh appear rejuvenated, modernizing The Minstrel Show’saestheticwhile still dropping jewels that rap fans of any age will find relatable. The beats shimmer, and the rhymes are funny and poignant. Let’s be thankful that UBN’s hiatus was only temporary. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

15. EarthGang — Mirrorland

EarthGang’s Dreamville debut, , doesn’t stop moving. The motion of each song is exuberant and dynamic, a result of multi-flavored carnival production paired with WowGr8 and Olu’s animated storytelling. How the creative West Atlanta duo stretch and morph their voices to match a variety of styles and sounds make for an exhilarating debut album. It’s a Crayola box wrapped in dynamite. Mirrorland explodes from start to finish. —Yoh

14. Rapsody — Eve

Rapsody’s life music has evolved. Where 2017’s saw Rap focusing inward and weaving a gorgeous tapestry of the Black woman’s experience, features Rap looking outward in all directions. With her most enlivened performances to date, Rapsody honors the Black women who came before her, all to the point of creating opportunities for the Black women who will come after her to take up space. As an album, Eve is lively and emboldened. As a mission statement, Eve is admirable. Rapsody’s deep love of history and Blackness make this the most excitable album in her deep catalog. —Donna-Claire Chesman

13. Beyoncé — HOMECOMING: THE LIVE ALBUM

I remember falling in love when I first saw the HOMECOMING: THE LIVE ALBUM during a live screening of Coachella. Beyoncé has always been a great performer, but this album is more than just a performance. HOMECOMING: THE LIVE ALBUM pays homage to the Black artists that came before Beyoncé, it acknowledges how her Blackness has shaped her, and how she has shaped her Blackness. When she decided to share this moment of brilliance with the world, there was one word that came to mind: thankful. HOMECOMING is a replica of Beyoncé’s Coachella performance. It doesn’t just take us back to the moment; it fully placed us in it, as if we were there with her witnessing her at her peak. —Simi Moonlight

12. Danny Brown — uknowhatimsayin¿

Even at its darkest, Danny Brown’s music is bunches of fun. He gets immense joy from rhyming words together over the weirdest beats he can find. His traditionalist methods and gonzo music preferences meet halfway like never before on his fifth studio album The conceptual bombast of previous projects is thrown out the studio windows for thoughtful raps over zany beats. Executive produced by Q-Tip, the project is loose and punchy, chock full of vignettes as suitable for an open-mic standup set as they are for a rap album. At 38 years old, Danny has little left to prove. uknowhatimsayin¿ makes every word count. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

11. Megan Thee Stallion — Fever

The rise of Megan Thee Stallion is a blessing to witness. With her formal 300 Entertainment debut, the “1501 Queen” establishes herself as one of the most charismatic forthright rappers working. Her energy is explosive. Her writing is bombastic. Her deliveries are bursting with conviction and swagger. Megan Thee Mack is unchained and unstoppable on , a celebration of her Houston roots and flair for spending another man’s coin. Megan is a dominant force in hip-hop, and considering the sheer strength of Fever, she does not seem to be slowing down. —Donna-Claire Chesman

10. Young Thug — So Much Fun

is a safer work than some of Young Thug’s more elastic, head-spinning offerings. Across 18 songs, the long-awaited debut uses shoulder-shaking trap rhythms and ear-candy melodies to deliver his most accessible work since Rich Gang’s 2014 mixtape, Rich Gang: Tha Tour Pt. 1. It’s still Thug, though. He provides humor and hits, thrilling bravado, and infectious style, all while being the original nucleus that inspires many of his contemporaries today. So Much Fun is the commercial oeuvre for an artist who was always a star but never shined in the mainstream. —Yoh

9. FKA twigs — MAGDALENE

Heartbreak can be oddly beautiful. Rarely do people experience the depths of human emotion as fiercely as when they’re cocooned in its all-consuming agony. If this sounds at all like bad teenage poetry, trust me when I say FKA twigs mines this territory much more gracefully on her transcendent sophomore album, MAGDALENE. Listening to her sing tortured lyrics like, “Were you ever sure? No, no, no, not with me” in her painfully pretty falsetto, it’s hard not to luxuriate in her—and, by extension, your—palpable anguish. Musically, the album conveys the same message more viscerally. It envelops you in asphyxiating production, delivering pockets of euphoric catharsis in the form of cinematic instrumental flourishes and twigs’ gorgeous, boundless vocals. —Hershal Pandya

8. MAVI — Let the Sun Talk

MAVI wants us to understand him on his terms. At just 20 years old, the Charlotte, North Carolina native is capable of bending words to his will, a Sorcerer Supreme in the making coming to grips with his Infinity Stone. On his debut album, , MAVI’s words exist on the borders of Black thought, spirituality, and raw honesty; they are puzzles revealing different configurations with every listen. If you know, you know, and if you don’t, MAVI’s technical skill and ear for beats are enough to pull in weary travelers. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

7. billy woods & Kenny Segal — Hiding Places

billy woods and Kenny Segal are not scared; they are not in hiding. Instead, they are affecting wordsmith and mad scientist banding together to traverse the depths of retread emotions. A record concerned with the past and what it means for an emotional space to become hollow, will challenge and reward you in the same turn. Kenny Segal’s production is quietly cacophonous and cloudy, while woods presents his most direct and open writing to date. The pair belongs together. —Donna-Claire Chesman

6. Denzel Curry — ZUU

Denzel Curry is proof you can always go home. His latest album, ZUU, is a testament to home as the ultimate battery charger. Curry sheds the conceptual bombast of his last album, TA13OO, in favor of a non-stop thrill ride through the streets of his native Carol City, Florida. The sun-drenched comforts and drawbacks of home, along with clanging production from longtime collaborators FnZ, help him paint some of the most vivid images of his career. These are top-down bangers baked in the 98-degree sun. With ZUU, Denzel Curry found freedom in his backyard. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

5. Little Simz — GREY Area

Little Simz wants you to stop fucking with her heart. She says as much two tracks into , her boldly cathartic third studio album. At 25, Simz is approaching the threshold of adulthood with more questions than answers, armed with bars that cut to the bone. She’s been one of the UK’s best rappers for years, but her songs have never been so focused, the beats—cooked up by longtime producer Inflo—never so varied and explosive. GREY Area is her masterwork, a panoramic view of a future star fighting back a quarter-life crisis. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

4. Dave — Psychodrama

Plenty of reviews have regarded Dave’s as an album of a generation, a landmark of UK hip-hop, and we have to agree. Dave burrows into the depths of his psyche, and bravely reports his findings in an accessible and banging format. He makes the intimate aggressive and touching all at once. Psychodrama reveals Dave to be a master writer and rapper, an artist’s artist, and an artist to watch for years to come. —Donna-Claire Chesman

3. Freddie Gibbs & Madlib — Bandana

Good rap sequels are hard to come by. Thankfully, Freddie Gibbs and Madlib aren’t your average rapper-producer duo. Their debut album, 2014’s , recontextualized their respective sounds while cross-pollinating with each other’s audiences. This year’s is more holistic in form, its creators in sync for the first time. Their camaraderie strengthens Gibbs’ elastic flows (“Situations”) and storytelling (“Fake Names”) as much as it pushes Madlib to embellish his trademark samples with trap hi-hats (“Half Manne Half Cocaine”) and crisp kick drums (“Gat Damn”). Trust and freedom embolden this latest chapter in the MadGibbs Cinematic Universe. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

2. Jamila Woods — Legacy! Legacy!

Jamila Woods makes eternal music. Her runs, her inflections, and her writing are all meant to stand the test of time. On Legacy! Legacy!,Jamila performs a time-bending act, bringing her literary heroes back to life and keeping them squarely in our thoughts as she carries their poetics into her classic album. Legacy!’s success is rooted in a fullness of life and self-love. There is so much agony in the world, but there is still so much love to share. Jamila Woods is in the business of spreading love. Plus, the record also doubles as a great reading list. —Donna-Claire Chesman

1. Tyler, the Creator — IGOR

was a new dawn for Tyler, The Creator. A heartbroken and deluxe dawn. A funky and riveting one. IGOR covered the whole spectrum of heartache. From urgency and helplessness to naming, to pining, to grieving, to coming into yourself. Every step of nursing our lost souls was found on IGOR. The operative question of this epic album is: Who do we become when the rug is pulled out from under us, and our hearts break? The answer is multiple, and each thread of reply makes up the fabric of IGOR. We became angry. We become obsessive. We become deranged. We become desperate, at first for the past, and finally, for peace.

We’ve lived with IGOR for seven months. In those seven months, new meanings have continued to reveal themselves as the album gets uninterrupted play. I heard IGOR at a taco spot in Philly. I hear IGOR in my sleep. The ubiquity of its themes makes it an easy record to latch onto, sure. But the sparkle of its static, the grandiosity of its arrangement, and the needling melodies and vocal performances make IGOR a sonic marvel, too. Let’s also not forget this album is a queer triumph.

IGOR is the album of the year because it was the most ambitious and wrenching record of 2019. IGOR is an album you hold tight and play deep into the night and then play again when the sun comes up, and your eyes are crusted. It’s the album you remember during your last fight, and the album you play when you’ve achieved apathy in the face of pain. It’s the album for when you care too much, and for when you sincerely hope they’re happy. IGOR is as spectacular as the heartbreak itself.

In a world committed to making us all feel like tiny performers on tiny stages, dancing for imaginary currency, IGOR expands our universes. Suddenly, our every move feels precious, purposeful. Our feelings become valid; our hopes and dreams become imperative. Who we are is imperative. Tyler may be wearing a pressed suit and wig, but he is unmasked. Thanks to IGOR, we follow suit.—Donna-Claire Chesman

This content was originally published here.

[babbletop]

Here's a list of 10 Fast Foods That Celebrity Chefs Actually LOVE. Celebrity Chefs tend to have strong opinions, these are 10 fast foods that celebrity chefs love to eat. ➡️ Subscribe to BabbleTop: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCX--mGSg0UwDjl7MDL8H5Jg?sub_confirmation=1 Being a chef means you have an indelible taste for what gourmet food is all about. You spend hours in the kitchen toiling and creating recipes to blow people away. And that is the exact opposite of everything that fast food stands for. So it might come as a surprise when you know that chefs, including celebrity ones, actually frequent fast food chains. So let’s uncover 10 fast foods that celebrity chefs actually love. If you enjoyed this list of 10 fast foods that celebrity chefs actually love to eat, then comment: #GordonRamsay #Chefs #FastFood TIMESTAMPS: 0:29 Gordon Ramsay 2:01 Justin Warner 3:25 Guy Fieri 4:54 Kent Rathbun 6:26 Tyson Cole 7:43 Chris Shea 9:01 David Posey 10:20 Martha Stewart 11:38 Anthony Bourdain 13:05 Julia Child SUMMARIES: - Chefs really seem to love In-N-Out, this is a trend you'll notice in this video, but let's get started with the most infamous chef of them all, Gordon Ramsay. A quote from the master chef himself declares his unbiased love for all things In-N-Out. - Justin Warner is no ordinary celebrity chef. He’s also an author. He wrote The Laws of Cooking: And How to Break Them which gives us a glimpse of the man’s psyche. He also appeared on Food Network Star and won it. - Fieri is a famous name and face across many TV networks. He’s a restauranteur, author, and show host. He also won an Emmy. He’s practically become the face of the Food Network. This guy exudes charm and charisma and his presence in any show makes it fun to watch. - Kent Rathbun is a famous name all over Texas. Not just because he’s a celebrity chef but also because he owns several restaurants there. He owns the upscale restaurant Abacus which was voted as the most popular dining outlet in Dallas in 2007. - Another Texan who comes from modest backgrounds and went on to capture the heart of the nation. Tyson Cole’s first experience in the kitchen was in front of the sink, washing dishes. From such humble beginnings, Cole rose to fame and success with sheer talent and will. - Chris Shea is another chef who clawed his way to the heights of the culinary world from humble beginnings. At the age of 12, he was delivering food for Frank’s Market in Washington Heights. - Like many other chefs on this list, Posey started his love affair with the kitchen at a very young age. But Posey started at his mom’s kitchen when he was 10. Rather than tell him to leave her alone and go play outside, David’s mom encouraged him. - Martha Stewart is too famous to be introduced. But we’ll do our best here. She’s had a long and illustrious life and she’s going strong. Her life was not devoid of controversy though. - A lot has been written about Anthony Bourdain. The man was a giant among chefs and TV hosts. He was a successful author who did not just write about cooking, but authored novels that took place in and around the kitchen. He was best known for his candid opinions when trying out different foods. - Julia Child was no stranger to controversy herself. Maybe not on the same level as Martha Stewart, but Child was outspoken and didn’t mince her words. When she liked something, she was unapologetic. She also single-handedly introduced French cuisine to the masses and brought it into the mainstream. ➡️ SUBSCRIBE to BabbleTop! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCX--mGSg0UwDjl7MDL8H5Jg?sub_confirmation=1 🥳 JOIN and become a BabbleTop member! https://www.youtube.com/babbletop/join 👕 Check out our MERCH! https://ift.tt/2xcFumO 🔥 Our Most Popular VIDEOS! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOvb3ZRIwh0&list=UUX--mGSg0UwDjl7MDL8H5Jg Top 10 Saddest McDonald's Happy Meal Toys Ever https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXjSIxWR9Jo&list=UUX--mGSg0UwDjl7MDL8H5Jg&index=63 Top 10 Most Popular Secret Menu Fast Food Items https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEDoWmFKBWI&list=PL2AXIR2uRsIlSkW5W0YF4gcw66jKxXUCy&index=13 Top 10 Candy Bars America Wished They Had https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PiVIx10iBgc&list=UUX--mGSg0UwDjl7MDL8H5Jg&index=40 10 Coca-Cola Drinks That Embarrassed The Company https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEqcMBAbur4&list=UUX--mGSg0UwDjl7MDL8H5Jg&index=15 10 McDonald’s Items That Would Make America Great Again https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UksU5Ki0SW4&list=UUX--mGSg0UwDjl7MDL8H5Jg&index=9 All clips used for fair use commentary, criticism, and educational purposes. See Hosseinzadeh v. Klein, 276 F.Supp.3d 34 (S.D.N.Y. 2017); Equals Three, LLC v. Jukin Media, Inc., 139 F. Supp. 3d 1094 (C.D. Cal. 2015).

[lloydskywalkers]

hyacinth (in yellow)

I’ve got three papers due but you know what, who works on finals when you can write angst, haHA good life choices.

This is half inspired by @lloydisacutie‘s post about needing more content with Cole comforting Lloyd (I highly agree), and half inspired by a really niCE but stabs-me-in-the-heart idea @floydgarmadork had about Lloyd after season 7. So technically it’s Lloyd and Cole angst, just after Hands of Time.

Lloyd doesn’t even want to be leader.

That’s all he can really focus on right now, the half-grudging sulk as he kicks at the dirt. They’re all scattered around in the aftermath of the battle with the Krux and Acronix, weary and sweat-stained like they always are after this kind of thing. But they won today, so it’s a happy kind of weariness, and the atmosphere is light enough that Lloyd can get away with pouting about it. It’s childish of him, maybe, but it makes Kai laugh. Makes the others simply grin and roll their eyes, in the fond sort of way Lloyd’s grown used to, the way that assures him that he’s their little brother.

And that’s why he does it — because sulking over that is safe.

Because if he focuses on that, the ugly churning in his stomach won’t solidify into anything that lets his family know what a horrible person he is.

“They came back,” Nya tells him when she catches him aside for a brief moment, looking like the world’s flipped itself upside down and she’s all the better for it. “They’re alive, they didn’t — they didn’t even mean to leave us, they were forced, they just wanted to come back to us—“

Lloyd smiles, and smiles and smiles and smiles, and tries to pretend that the happiness isn’t starting to feel a little like poison.

He watches Kai and Nya’s backs as they leave, shoulder to shoulder with their parents as Kai’s mother exclaims over his hair. His stomach sinks as they go, an empty feeling different than the stress that’s been wearing him down the past few days.

“They’ll be back tomorrow,” Cole tells him, and Lloyd feels his hand land on his shoulder, heavy and grounding.

He exhales, cheeks puffing up as he blows his breath out. “I know,” he says. And he does. There’s no doubt in his mind that Kai and Nya will return to the temple as soon as they’ve had time to catch up with their parents, if not sooner.

But Lloyd’s never been one to believe himself that easily.

“Let’s go home, huh?” Cole says. Lloyd gives him a tight nod, and he balances the Time Blade between his arm and side, the weight of it unusually heavy.

“Yeah,” he says, heavily. “Let’s go home.”

*********

Lloyd is happy for Kai and Nya — he is. He’s so happy for them that his cheeks nearly split from smiling so much, because they look so happy, Kai and Nya and their parents. The world’s finally done something right by them for once, because if anyone on earth deserves to be that happy, it’s them.

And it makes sense. Kai and Nya are Kai and Nya, so steady and constant and just good that of course their parents are the same. Of course their parents were forced at sword-point to leave them. Of course everything they ever did was to come back to their kids. Of course the universe deemed them fortunate enough to all find each other again, whole and together and happy—

Lloyd swallows, and it feels a bit like acid. He doesn’t even know where his own mom is right now. He doesn’t know where his uncle is, either.

He knows where his dad is. He doesn’t want to think about that one.

He sighs, grinding the heel of his palm against his eye as he pulls open the kitchen cabinet, sifting through the boxes. It’s just — where did Uncle Wu leave the good tea, he better not have taken it with him — it’s just that…well, Lloyd doesn’t really know what’s bothering him. That’s a lie, he does, but he’s just being stupid about it and it’s not worth getting this worked up over anyways.

Kai and Nya are Lloyd’s family, but they’re his family in a way that his blood family kind of isn’t. They were the only family that didn’t leave him, the only ones that stuck around through the worst of it.

And now they’ve got their real family back.

And he knows, he knows Kai and Nya are as true as anyone could ask for, and they’d never go back on a promise, but Lloyd—

Lloyd’s too familiar with the sharp sting of being abandoned that his stupid brain’s decided it’s just gonna jump the fence and start heading down that path already.

Stop it, he tells himself angrily, fingers tightening on the cabinet handle. That’s not what’s happening. Kai and Nya aren’t going to leave, he’s being ridiculous. They’re just excited to have their family back, that’s all. Lloyd can’t blame them.

Their real family, a family that protects them, that doesn’t nearly get them killed every other day, that isn’t a big fat burden that stole the title one of them wanted, a family that isn’t broken anymore, so they should probably cut the broken part away now—

Lloyd’s hands are white-knuckled on the cabinet handle, the fragile metal starting to creak. Oh, he’s terrible, he’s awful, he’s a horrible person, what kind of brother watches two of the people he loves most in the world get what they’ve lost back and feels like this.

Lloyd swallows the hot wave of panic back. His chest feels a little like it’s getting used as a pincushion, except instead of needles someone’s sticking white-knives in there and grinding them deep. There’s an ugly emotion building in his throat, scraping like sandpaper — he’s felt it before, the envious kind of longing, felt it in Morro—

The handle snaps beneath his fingers, and the cabinet door clatters to the floor, steaming as the vibrant green lines shot through it slowly fade, hissing in the darkened kitchen. Lloyd stares at it blankly, a painful lump forming in his throat, built from churning frustration and the urge to scream like he’s a child again.

“Shit,” he murmurs instead.

“That better not have been a swear, Lloyd Montgomery.”

Lloyd jerks around so violently he nearly snaps his neck, his power shooting through his fingertips like lightning before he can process that it’s Cole’s voice, not an enemy’s.

“Don’t do that,” he hisses through a relieved breath, his heart rate easing out the slightest bit. “And geez, the middle name? I can swear if I want.”

“Nope. Not allowed.”

Lloyd glares at him. Cole gives him an unapologetic shrug, stepping carefully over the fallen cabinet door. Lloyd makes a face, biting his lip.

“Don’t worry about it,” Cole says, as if reading his mind. “I’ve done worse. You should’ve seen the mast on the Bounty one time.”

“I did,” Lloyd says. “I helped you fix it.”

“Oh yeah,” Cole huffs out a laugh. “I forgot about that.”

Lloyd nods, not entirely trusting his voice. They stand there in silence for a beat, Lloyd staring at the floor and Cole staring at Lloyd, and Lloyd staring harder at the floor so he doesn’t have to return the gaze.

“What’cha doing up so late?” Cole finally asks, glancing around the dim-lit kitchen. His eyes stop meaningfully on the tiny glowing numbers of the microwave clock, and Lloyd winces.

“I — wanted tea,” he says, haltingly. “It’s…Uncle Wu’d give it to me whenever I felt…wrong.”

He immediately regrets answering, biting down on his tongue. So much for avoiding reminders.

“Oh,” Cole says, either missing his falter entirely or ignoring it for Lloyd’s sake. If it’s the second, Cole’s sneaking his way to favorite brother of the night. “You’re looking in the wrong cabinet.”

Cole squeezes by Lloyd, reaching up to one of the highest cabinets, the one Lloyd can’t reach (yet). “Here,” he says, rummaging briefly before pulling out a familiar box. “I dunno what he did with the nicer kind, but there’s this at least.”

“Thanks,” Lloyd says, taking the box from him. He grimaces briefly. Ginger. He’d been looking for peppermint.

“You know, it’s kinda nice outside, this time of night,” Cole says. He’s looking out the window, but Lloyd can still feel him watching. “Nice time for thinking. Or talking.”

The statement is pointed, and Lloyd’s shoulders hitch. “Yeah, yeah,” he sighs. “Let’s talk.”

Cole gives him a crooked smile, then glances at the tea still clutched tightly in his hand. “You want help making that? I can—"

“No,” Lloyd cuts over him quickly, shaking his head. “I got this. Wait…wait for me outside, I’ll bring you some.”

Cole eyes him carefully, and Lloyd tries to ignore the silent screaming in his head saying leave, please leave. It’s not that Cole’s doing anything wrong, or that he even wants Cole to leave, but it’s — making tea was one of the few things Lloyd had with Uncle Wu, and doing it now, right after he’d—

“I’ll be on the east edge,” Cole says quietly, and his footsteps fade. Lloyd lets out a shuddery breath of relief, and suddenly his nose is running, his vision blurring over as his eyes burn.

Stupid ginger tea, he thinks, sniffing furiously as he wipes his eyes, pulling the carefully packaged packet open. He wanted peppermint.

*********

The east edge of the self-deemed Airjitzu Island (which is a lame title for a giant rock floating in the sky, really, but Lloyd’s too tired to argue the point at the moment) just overlooks one of the sloping valleys of Ninjago, the tops of a mountain range Zane could name barely visible in the distance. In the morning, it’s got a spectacular view of the sunrise, one Lloyd gets in trouble for looking at too much during dawn exercises.

At night, though, the east edge holds an almost kind of terror, a sheer drop into darkness broken only by the star-flecked sky above them. Lloyd can just glimpse the dull street lights that line a highway below, but other than that the island drops off into total darkness.

Naturally, Lloyd and Cole are most comfortable with their feet dangling off the edge.

“Here,” Lloyd says, handing Cole the teacup as he takes a careful seat next to him. “I put a little cream and sugar in it — a little sugar, I swear,” he huffs at Cole’s look.

Cole grins slightly, then takes a large sip. Lloyd watches the way his eyes widen briefly in panic, before realization hits and his shoulders slump in relief.

“I let it cool down a bit before I brought it out,” Lloyd explains. “I figured you might still be…getting used to it. Drinking and eating, temperatures and stuff.”

Cole’s head droops a bit, but he gives him a rueful, sad sort of smile that isn’t even really a smile in the first place. “Speaking from experience, huh.”

Lloyd’s shoulders tense, and he shakes his head. “It’s not the same, really,” he murmurs.

And it’s not. Lloyd’s experience with Morro is miles different than Cole’s experience with being a ghost. Lloyd only went a few weeks without eating much — Cole couldn’t eat or drink anything for months.

Plus, Lloyd was just stupid when he finally got free of Morro. He’d eaten so much so fast that he’d made himself violently sick, which is probably what Cole is thinking of right now. But it’s not like Lloyd was unfamiliar with the sharp pains of going hungry in the first place, and he should’ve known better. Cole’s experience is different.

With Morro, Lloyd felt too much. As a ghost, Cole felt nothing.

“So,” Cole sighs, cupping his tea between his hands.

“So,” Lloyd echoes, watching him with an edge of nervousness.

“This sucks.”

Lloyd blinks rapidly. The bitterness in his statement is as surprising as the fact that Cole’s saying it in the first place.

“W-what?”

Cole looks at him, his eyes tired. “You know what,” he says, sipping at his tea. “Parents.”

“Oh,” Lloyd breaths out.

“Yeah. It sucks.” Cole exhales, his voice hollow. “I wanna be happy for them, but it — it sucks.”

Lloyd looks down, kicking his legs out over the darkness. Something in his chest eases out even as the ugly feeling tightens. Maybe…maybe he isn’t the only one feeling like he’s swallowed poison today.

“It’s just — it’s not fair,” Cole continues, tightly. “They get both their parents back, and I’m never gonna see her again—“

Cole cuts off, swallowing harshly. Lloyd watches wide-eyed as he turns away briefly, swiping at his eyes.

“Sorry,” Cole mutters.

Lloyd quickly shakes his head, his hand reaching for Cole’s shoulder before hesitating. “No, no, don’t — it’s fine,” he says. He pauses, faltering. Cole isn’t…super open about the painful stuff. Not with Lloyd. It’s annoying, in a way, because Lloyd knows it’s only because Cole sees him as his baby brother, and he’s sure there’s some ‘gotta be rock strong’ mentality going on with his kind of protectiveness, but Lloyd cares about Cole. A lot.

He wants to know about his mother, whoever she was, quiet as Cole is about her.

But he’d never force anything out of him, so Lloyd’s hand drops back into his lap, and he bites his lip.

“I get it,” Lloyd speaks up, quietly. “I…feel the same way, I guess. It’s not fair. I mean, it’s never been fair before, so I dunno why I was expecting it to be — but I guess I was.”

His hands tighten, and Lloyd feels the ugly hot pit in his stomach rising again.

“I’m jealous,” Lloyd admits bitterly, glaring at his hands. “I know I shouldn’t be, I know it’s terrible but I’m — I’m jealous, Cole, what’s wrong with me?”

He looks up at his brother desperately, trying to fight back the burning in his eyes again. Cole’s eyes widen briefly, and his expression cracks into what might be heartbreak as he sets a hand on Lloyd’s shoulder.

“You—“ he shakes his head. “You lost your dad. You just lost your uncle. There’s nothing wrong with you. Grieving doesn’t make you a bad person, Lloyd.”

“I’m not grieving, though!” Lloyd says, jerking from his hold as the panic spikes again. “I-I’m angry, I’m angry and jealous and stupid and — and—“

“That’s part of grieving too,” Cole says, and his voice is so gentle Lloyd wants to start crying on the spot. “Trust me, I know.”

Lloyd makes a strangled sound, and he squeezes his eyes shut, shoulders strung tight. He kicks his leg out angrily this time, as if to force the emotion out that way.

“It’s not just that,” he gets out through gritted teeth, ignoring every impulse to shut up, to keep the awful fear buried far, far down where no one can ever see it. “It’s— they have their real family now. So—“

Lloyd’s chest seizes, and he’s horrified to find a sob building in his throat.

No, no, he tells himself furiously. You’re the leader now. Leaders don’t cry.

He doesn’t cry.

Crying will chase Cole away, just like it did his mom, just like it did the kids at Darkley’s. He’ll leave him alone just like his dad did, just like Uncle Wu did, just like the hollow sinking feeling as he watched Kai and Nya’s backs walk away from them—

“I can’t,” Lloyd gasps, his fingers so tight around the cup it’s a marvel it hasn’t shattered. “I can’t, Cole, I can’t go back to being alone again, I can’t—”

Cole has an arm around him before Lloyd can realize he’s moved, one arm wrapping around his shoulders and the other hand pushing against his back until Lloyd’s face is pressed against his shoulder, the familiar smell of grass and cotton and cocoa grounding him.

“I can’t either,” Cole whispers, and Lloyd feels his grip tighten. “I can’t either.”

Lloyd lets out a shuddering breath, his fingers fisting in the back of Cole’s shirt, tea forgotten. His chest feels like it’s turning in on itself, trapping his heart in a vice-like hold, but he swallows it down, blinks back the burn.

He does not cry.

“That’s not happening though,” Cole continues fiercely, his own voice a bit raw. “You’re not getting left alone. I promise, I swear. They’ll come back, Lloyd. They wouldn’t just leave us.”

“Everyone leaves eventually,” Lloyd croaks, miserably. “Sometimes you don’t get a choice.”

Cole takes a breath, and Lloyd feels his shoulders tremor as he goes quiet.

“We’re different,” he says, his voice quiet but firm. “We’re not them, Lloyd. We’ve got a choice. And we’ll choose right.”

Lloyd stares into the dark fabric of Cole’s t-shirt. His eyes ache, but they’re dry.

This is the last time, he tells himself, as he buries his face in Cole’s shoulder. The last time he lets himself break down like this. He’s leader now.

Tomorrow, Kai and Nya will be back, and Lloyd’s going to the best, happiest little brother for them that ever walked the earth.

He’s going to be strong, just like Cole.

[passing-smiles]

TV: Riverdale, ‘The River’s Edge’ (S1E1, 2017)

When Riverdale was announced, it was easy to be dismissive. It’s the sixth show on the CW in recent years to be adapted from comics, and is helmed by Greg Berlanti of Arrowverse and Supergirl fame, along with Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa (formerly of Glee, now Chief Creative Officer at Archie Comics). It didn’t help either that the ridiculous description of ‘Archie meets Twin Peaks’ was attached to it everywhere it went; no show, you’d think, could pull that off. But stick around for the first episode and you’ll see that Riverdale has plenty going for it on its own terms.

Let’s be clear: Twin Peaks this is not. One of the things that that show did so well was that it began in medias res, with a large part of the plot being the discovery of what had gone before. There’s little of that in Riverdale, with pretty much every plot having its beginning over the course of the previous summer, when Jason Blossom (supposedly) drowned, Archie had an affair with his music teacher, and Veronica Lodge’s father was arrested for fraud. The episode’s opening sets up the death, with narration from Jughead - now cast as a withdrawn novelist-come-reporter and played by Cole Sprouse - and a set of brief but illuminating flashbacks reveals Archie and Geraldine Grundy’s history, but rather than lingering on these starting points, the episode just keeps going, squeezing in more than enough plot points to power the entire series. There are times when it feels like the writers are overplaying their hands: Betty’s rebellion against her mother, for example, is set up and knocked down rapidly, and Veronica’s motivations in befriending Betty are explained as soon as the question is raised. There’s upsides and downsides to this approach; refreshingly, with these kind of things out of the way, the show is free to move on to some less hackneyed plots and tropes, but it also means that emotions have to be brought to the fore unnaturally quickly. Characters have a tendency, especially towards the middle of the episode, to go from speaking calmly to shouting far too quickly, and this doesn’t do any favours to a show that’s unapologetic in its teen-centredness. Going from nought to sixty again and again can be exhausting for an audience, but it’s reasonable to hope that the firm foundations established over this first forty-five minutes will stand the series in good stead to further develop characters and plots that aren’t quite as predictable as the Pretty Little Liars-style stuff in this episode.

Despite the teen-soap writing, some parts of Riverdale are positively well-made. The whole show has a visual panache that’s reminiscent of the one that kept me tuning in to early seasons of Teen Wolf, with bold colours where necessary and great neons against thematic darks. Jughead’s opening monologue has luscious wide shots, fuzzy closeups, and stylised framing; another instance of the Wes Anderson-gone-wrong approach that’s beginning to pop up all over Netflix. There’s some defiant colour-grading that seems to be ripped straight from the work of a good comics colourist, with hazy summer yellows, washed-out greys, and suburban whites. Fittingly for a character - Archie himself wants to be a musician - and franchise that’s always been intertwined with music, pop soundtracking is almost ubiqutious. Josie and the Pussycats put in an appearance and so does Archie’s own writing, but scarcely a scene goes by that doesn’t have some kind of synthpop backing to it. When it’s taken away, though, the silence is thoughtful, and not accidental. Riverdale won’t be getting compared to Hannibal in terms of aesthetic beauty any time soon, but it would be a mistake to think that the cinematographers, production and lighting designers aren’t pulling their weight here.

I think it’s important, too, to view the show in relation to its source materials. The Archie back-catalogue consists largely of shorter gag strips, along with serialised soap-style storytelling in Life with Archie, but the ‘New Riverdale’ initiative, started in 2015, is designed to bring these teen comics back to their original target audience: teens. Mark Waid on Archie has provided a fresh spin on the Betty/Veronica feud, and one that avoids their entire relationship being predicated on Archie, and Chip Zdarsky on Jughead has quietly canonically confirmed its lead character as asexual. Outside of New Riverdale, Aguirre-Sacasa himself has made bold strokes with his horror reinventions, Afterlife with Archie and Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. Riverdale is heavily indebted to these comics for providing a foundational belief for the show to exist on: not only can these characters, who are actually older than their current writers, be reinvented, but they should be, because the Archie whose comedic mishaps were so successful in the thirties just can’t cut the mustard in the Instagram age. It’s hard to imagine a show where Archie, the definiton of the pure and all-American teen, has had an affair with his teacher, where Betty and Veronica are not just best friends but Veronica actually attempts to help Betty establish a relationship with Archie, where Kevin Keller, a gay man, is a lead character, and where Archie and Jughead are no longer friends, without the work that’s been done on the page over the last few years. This is a comics adaptation, then, that’s thoroughly in touch with what’s going on in the comics themselves, rather than the other way around. For me at least, that’s a welcome change.

There’s some things to be skeptical about in Riverdale, apart from notions of ‘quality’; writers have indicated that the much-lauded canon of asexual Jughead won’t apply to the show for the first season at least, and, aside from Josie and the Pussycats’ tiny appearance in this episode, Riverdale’s a very white town indeed. But considering what the show’s creators have already gotten right, I think it’s only fair to give them the chance to better themselves over the season. It’s good fun television, at the very least, and I enjoyed it enough to tune in again next week. Isn’t that all it has to do?

[varricmancer]

The Golden Halla | 3

Pairing: Cullen Rutherford x OC

A/N: Obviously I’m deviating a bit from canon. It would be rather boring if it was always the same thing though, yes? Anyway, enjoy the latest chapter! PLEASE let me know what you think. 

He was fighting desperately to stay asleep despite the pull to awareness he could feel clawing at him. He was at peace here in the fields with his mystery woman. She’d prepared them a picnic and he lounged on the blanket as he watched her dance around merrily, the skirts of her simple blue dress rippling about her bare feet, her snowy hair floating behind her like a waterfall. He smiled when she caught his eye and laughed, her joy contagious. She had claimed she was dancing his demons away, so there was no reason to be afraid of them or that she was one herself. 

“Won’t you tell me your name?”

She skipped towards him, dropping onto the blanket gracefully. 

Shrugging, she picked up a pastry and took a small nibble. Her features were somewhat hazy in this place, but her lips were still clear enough to keep him captivated. Thin, but not harsh. Soft-looking. He watched transfixed as her tongue appears to flick away some crumbs on the side of her mouth.

“You can call me Hana,” she finally answers with a teasing grin, her lovely amber eyes sparkling with mirth. 

Cullen snorts, amused. “The name of the halla? Well, if I wasn’t so certain this was a dream before, it would be clear now. That creature is taking over my life,” he sighed. 

Her laugh was a gentle thing, as lovely as her. 

“Perhaps.” 

She pauses, cocking her head thoughtfully like she was listening to something only she could hear. 

“It’s time to wake up, Cullen.” 

He loved the way she said his name. Everyone else began his name like they had something stuck in their throat. With her, it sounded like a song - one that she loved to sing. 

“Will I see you again?”

“Sooner than you think,” she chuckled, fading right before him. 

He groaned as he came to awareness, her wave of farewell still branded behind his eyes. 

The distant snickering was the first clue that he wasn’t alone. Next came the realization that there was a very warm body breathing next to him. A warm furry body. 

He cracked up one of his eyes and briefly wondered if he was still dreaming. There could be no other explanation for the fact that there was a halla cuddled up with him on top of his furs. Or that one of his arms was draped loosely across the back of the beast as though to pull it closer. He quickly pulled away in embarrassed horror, his face turning crimson as the low snickers from the front of the tent evolved into outright mocking laughter. 

“Commander, if I’d known you had a thing for horns I would have volunteered my services,” The Iron Bull laughed heartily. 

Cullen groaned and turned to face the front of his tent where Bull and The Herald were both sticking their heads into with unapologetic grins. Of all the people to find him in such an embarrassing situation, the loudmouthed Qunari mercenary and the proclaimed Herald of Andraste were not his first choice. 

He sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, snorting as Hana slept on unbothered by their guests. 

“Is there something I can do for you?” 

“We heard about Loranil making it here and bringing the Halla with him. We wanted to see her again, make sure she was doing alright. She wasn’t in her stall though and Cole told us to find you. I was confused about why the Commander of this little party would know where a lone halla was - wasn’t expecting to see you two so cozy,” Kaaras Adaar shrugged with a teasing grin. Bull stood there cackling close enough to the other that their horns were surely clanging against each other. 

“Yes, she’s proven to be rather...friendly. She must have snuck in during the night. I’ll have to speak with the stable boys.” 

“There’s no shame in wanting a warm body during cold winter nights,” Bull drawled, doing what Cullen interpreted as a wink with his single eye. 

“Maker’s breath…” he grumbled, standing up and waving them away. 

“Unless there is pressing business, I’d appreciate some privacy so I might get ready. I’ll walk her over as soon as I’m done and you may visit to your heart’s content.” 

Kaaras nodded, “Alright. We’ll leave you be, Commander. We’ve all been summoned to the war room in three hours’ time for a debriefing of my experience in Redcliffe, however. Cassandra’s getting generous and actually giving me a couple of hours to recuperate from my travels before interrogating me.” 

Cullen actually grunts in amusement and waves as the two Qunari take their leave. It isn’t until he could no longer hear their stomping that the halla decides to wake up, actually yawning and looking up at him drowsily as though to ask, ‘What’s with all the racket?’ 

“This is all your fault, you know? What are you doing bursting into my tent in the middle of the night? How did you even undo the ties?” Cullen grumbles as he quickly throws on his armor and splashes his face with water he kept in a pitcher for such purposes. 

Still, as embarrassing as this whole situation was, at least he’d slept fairly well after the nightmares left him. He actually felt refreshed and starving for a full meal for the second day in a row. Perhaps the worst of his symptoms were over? He’d never heard of them leaving so quickly. Perhaps the Maker saw fit to help him in his efforts to assist with closing the breach. 

Cullen snapped at Hana to get her to follow along, which it seemed like she did reluctantly. Cullen chuckled quietly as she shook her head and blinked at him blearily when she stood up to walk towards him. It seemed even halla could not be morning risers. In a moment of weakness, he reached out and scratched behind her ear, which she seemed to love since she nickered softly and rubbed her head into the touch. 

“Alright, you’ve been spoiled enough from me for today. Back to your post, Miss Hana.” 

He led her back to the stables swiftly, waving her into her stall. As he locked her in, he could swear she was staring up at him in the halla equivalent of puppy dog eyes. 

“You’ve had free reign enough, for now. Perhaps when I take Grace out later you may come. Until then, be a good girl.” 

Hana propped her snout on the top of the gate and huffed at him. He actually cracked a smile and tossed both her and Grace an apple before he left, heading towards the war room to look over reports and discuss some things with the other advisors until the meeting. 

***

“As allies? Are you sure that’s wise?” 

Cullen stared incredulously at The Herald as he explained the horrifying events from Redcliffe. 

“Would you rather us all locked up like your mabari? Give us a sip of lyrium from time to time if we’ve been good little mages?” 

The Tevene mage that the Herald had dragged here with him from Redcliffe like a heavily perfumed stray was not helping his already shot nerves. He glared right back. 

“No. I know very well the horrors of the circles, but I know just as well the dangers that unchecked magic can bring. There are not nearly enough templars here to contain them all.” 

“They are not here to be contained, Commander,” Kaaras answered softly. “Kindly remember that Haven is just that - a haven for all. Including those that are born with something that they often never asked for in the first place.” 

As the old familiar fear receded, he felt ashamed. 

“You are right, of course. Please forgive me. I let my fear cloud my reason.” 

The Tevene mage looked at him strangely then, as though he’d found a puzzle to solve, but went silent. The Herald nodded, understanding shining in his eyes. 

“I’ve heard some of your story, so I understand your concerns. However, let us give them the benefit of the doubt for now. Many are simply happy for a chance to find the families they were taken from, so I imagine they will be much too busy for staging a takeover.” 

“Understood, Herald.” 

The Qunari nodded, adding a soft smile of reassurance that Cullen felt he didn’t deserve. He fell silent and let the others run the meeting as he lost himself in memories. 

He shook his head, forcing himself to stop thinking about such maudlin things. He had better things to worry about now. Accommodations and supplies for an extra hundred people, at least. He’d need to ask about for a more accurate tally. Increased lyrium supplies. Andraste’s ass, there was going to be lyrium everywhere. 

Cullen gulped at the realization, practically tasting the song on his tongue. But no, he could handle it. He’d tell Cassandra to increase her vigilance...and to be on the lookout for a replacement, just in case. Perhaps Rylan. 

When the meeting was over, he strode quickly from the room thinking he’d stop for a bite then take Grace out for another ride. He was halfway to the door when somewhere cleared their throat behind him. 

Turning, he found the Tevene mage eyeing him sheepishly, though he maintained his proud stance. 

“I wanted to...apoligize. That was unfair of me to start our acquaintance in such a way. I’m afraid I was being as judgemental of templars as others are of me.” 

Cullen rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. 

“That’s quite alright. I can’t say there wasn’t a time I would have deserved every word and more. Pray accept my apologies as well Magi...err...Lord...Pavus, was it?” 

The mage chuckled lowly, waving his hand with an affected flourish like many nobles were wont to do. 

“Just call me Dorian, Commander. The scary magister is my father.” 

“Alright, Dorian.” 

The mage’s smile is friendly - and perhaps a bit flirtatious. 

“I was wondering where I might bed down around here, Commander. I know many are in tents, so if you would be so kind as to point me in - Venhedis! What is that awful sound?” 

The awful sound was a horrible screeching bray coming from the stables. But it wasn’t normal. It sounded...terrified. 

“Hana!”

Cullen sprinted towards the stables, unmindful of the fact that the mage ran with him. He burst through the door and towards Hana’s stall. She was spooked horribly - her eyes wide and watching everyone fearfully as she reared back, kicking her hooves towards some unseen thing. 

“Shhh, easy girl. It’s just me. It’s alright.” 

Like it was he was her lighthouse in a storm, she latched her frightened gaze on him, letting him lead her back to calm. Once she stopped kicking he finally walked into her stall, taking a moment to note that it was unlatched already. He slowly reached out and stroked her neck, ignoring the ear-piercing screaming as it died down. She finally went quiet beyond a slight nicker, her body shaking under his hand. 

“There we go. Good girl, Hana. I’m here.” 

She stuck her head under his arm, seemingly trying to hide under his coat. 

“Friend of yours?” 

Cullen startled, meeting Dorian’s amused gaze. The mage nodded towards Hana, visibly softening in sympathy for the creature. 

“Of a sorts, I suppose. She was a gift from the Dalish for the Inquisition, but according to another elf around here she’s chosen me or something. I’ve never seen her like this before, though. She’s normally so calm. I don’t see anything that could have spooked her.” 

Dorian looks around the stables thoughtfully, humming as he holds his hand up that soon emits a slight glow. His eyes narrow as he follows some invisible thread leading towards Hana’s stall. He frowns and closes his hand before meeting Cullen’s questioning look. 

“There’s a trace of magic in here. It’s not...evil, but it’s hardly something innocent. It feels ancient.” 

Cullen strokes Hana, as she continues to use him as a shield from the world. 

“They didn’t hurt her though?” 

“No. She appears healthy, although…”

Cullen’s brow furrows as the mage stares thoughtfully at the halla. 

“Dorian, what’s wrong with her?!” 

Dorian shakes his head, “It’s not something wrong, it’s just something strange. She doesn’t feel like your average beast. She has immense power, for one thing. Immense magical power.” 

“She’s some sort of sacred halla for the Dalish...could that be it?” 

“No,” the mage shook his head, pulling on his mustache thoughtfully. “She feels like a mage. Which seems strange given the hooves and rather furry appearance, yes?” 

Cullen pried Hana’s head out from under his coat, holding her snout in his hands. For the first time, he really looked into the halla’s eyes and realized they were a warm amber ringed in black...just like the Hana from his dream. 

His breathing became unsteady as his mind struggled to understand what it was piecing together...or rather had been trying to piece together for a couple of days now. It was impossible, wasn’t it? But...he supposed nothing was truly impossible when it came to magic. 

“Dorian, this is going to sound strange, but is there a way to find out if she’s...really a halla?”

The mage quirked an eyebrow at him, “My dear Commander, I was merely theorizing. It’s always a good idea to throw out the most impossible things to narrow down the possible ones.” 

Cullen stared into Hana’s eyes, which were looking at him with such soft understanding that there was no way what he’d figured out couldn’t be true. 

“Please?” he looked at the mage, plea in his eyes. Dorian straightened and nodded firmly. 

“I’ll do some research.” 

“Thank you. And Cassandra is nearby, next to the training yard. Please inform her of what is happening - quietly, if you please - and that I’d like two men stationed outside of the stables.” 

Cullen smiled warmly at the mage as he took his leave, then turned and settled onto the bottom of Hana’s stall. 

“I’m going to feel awfully stupid if you turn out to be some sort of demon or possessed halla,” Cullen sighed, settling his hand onto her head to pet her once she plopped her head into his lap. “I’m sure everyone is going to think I’m going mad and that I’m going overboard for something they’d all rather cover in spices and serve for dinner.” 

“If someone’s done this to you though, I’ll do what I can to help.” 

Cullen sighs and settles in to keep watch over a single halla, uncaring of the troubles that lay outside the stable doors for the moment.