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0poole · 4 years ago

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Humor in Writing

Most of the time I feel like dismissing what might seem like “faults” in writing because I haven’t actually made anything myself, and especially haven’t gotten any attention to what I make, but every once in a while something really ticks me off. Of course, I still try to take it with a grain of salt because of my lack of true experience in writing, but considering I’m hoping to actually become some degree of a writer I feel like it’s worth actually trying to explain what I think is a fault with things and why.

There always seems to be one specific thing that bothers me a lot when reading/watching stuff, and it’s the hard switching of tone from comedy to sincerity, or something similar to that, or vice versa.

Honestly, even though it sounds like the motive of a cartoon villain, I kinda think there’s too much humor in the world. It’s probably just entirely driven by opinion and preferences, but I feel like so many people are striving and looking for comedy that it hinders so many other things. I feel like, both in real life and in writing, having so much humor everywhere creates a pretty big gap between that tone and sincerity, which is pretty much always needed at some point. The big line between comedy and sincerity makes it so much harder, emotionally speaking, to feel good about the switch. I’ll try to explain…

First of all, this whole line of thought, even though I’ve been thinking it forever, was spawned by me watching Epithet Erased. Took me long enough, because I’ve seen some of the characters around and really loved their designs, but I finally watched it all, and I gotta say… It was interesting. Also, this is probably just going to be very ranty and opinionated but I will (hopefully) have something more valuable to say after. But, anyways, for one, it felt just barely too close to some of the premises for the stories I’ve thought of in various ways, but I guess that’s just bad luck on my part. Second, I feel like its humor really brought it down for me. Some episodes felt so long winded (although not necessarily “boring” I guess) because I felt like I got the joke they were trying to tell relatively quickly after they started it, but carried it so far. It didn’t help that, at least for a few of them, some of the characters felt like archetypes that I’ve seen a lot around the internet, or at least were simple enough that I understood what they were instantly, and when they are carried out through long character-focused moments it felt like nothing was happening. I feel like some of the characters are fine enough, even if I may not like them, but Giovanni and Indus were the two big ones that I thought had a little too much time given to them…

But more relevant to what I’m trying to say, sometimes the writing jumps way too far from the very comedic tone it’s trying to put out and into it trying to be sincere. The worst case of this was when Sylvie met Mera in the museum storage, and Sylvester tried to out Mera’s nightmares, only to see that her nightmare was the reality she was already in. With the scene change, and Indus becoming more serious with Molly, it felt like a good enough departure from the usual comedic tone to warrant the deeper motive of the character. But, then, of course, they had to trash the whole tone by adding the line about her also being afraid of ducks. There was absolutely no good reason to warrant that line and I will die on that hill. Not only was it just humor, but it was spontaneous “random” humor, and so on… I honestly hope people could just understand where I’m coming from there by how out of place it seems. I feel like the only defense they could use, apart from “just liking it,” would be that it’s comedic relief, but I genuinely feel like since practically the whole thing up until this point was comedy there was absolutely no need for comedic relief. The scene itself is like the opposite of comedic relief, like “Sit down and pay attention” or “Turn your brain back on” or whatever. The climactic point of the scenes before it were reached, meaning the sincere conflict there should be focused on, and apart from that one tiny little line it worked well enough. The fact that it was so tiny and insignificant is basically why I hated it so much. They literally could’ve just scratched it off of the script and only good things would have happened.

Something a bit similar happened before when Molly revealed her backstory to Giovanni. It wasn’t quite as bad, but when a scene goes from comedy to “my mom’s dead and my life sucks” you do feel the shift a little too quickly. I feel like it’s not as bad because it could just be Molly’s character, seeing the tragedy of her life as just sort of normal and not really that remarkable, meaning she’s more likely to just randomly bring it up.

But I definitely wouldn’t be going off this much about it if there wasn’t at least a little bit more. Zora was literally the reason I wanted to watch the show, because I saw a drawing of her a while back and thought she was just some random OC, but when I heard she was from this show I instantly wanted to watch it a lot more. I think the same thing happened with Molly, but I think I knew she was from the show to begin with. Anyway, Zora was the main character who I loved from the get-go and loved even more the more I learned about her. She’s such a perfect amount of diversion from being a generic cowboy in the little design details, while still being 100% cowboy material. Then, when I saw that her power was “Sundial,” or more generally just time powers, I loved it. The big thing that seems little conceptually is making her key term “sundial” instead of just “time” or whatever, because of how much it relates to her cowboy-ness, with it being associated with the “sun” people often associate with Death Valley and the Wild West and whatnot. Not to mention, it’s just a cool power.

But that’s kinda the thing, though. She’s so insanely strong. She could literally kill anyone on a whim. I don’t see how anyone could be cracking jokes in her presence. It’s kinda more general of a gripe, but when she aged up Howie it was borderline terrifying, and yet… right after, they’re cracking jokes again. It’s just so jarring. She could have literally reduced him to dust, and they’re so casual about it. I know Percy is supposed to be kinda blind to some obvious things, but I feel like even she could see the horror. That said, though, Percy is also one of my favorites. Her powers feel so natural yet interesting for what she is for some reason.

Frankly, the visual character designs alone for this show are all really good. Whether or not I’m into the writing, I can’t deny that the show kept me coming back just because it feels so good to just look at it, you know? The minimal animation, vocalized stage directions, and top-down scene view was really interesting to watch, since I’ve never seen it before, and seems like a perfect way to produce more content with less budget. It made everything feel super crisp and tidy, despite being animated so simply. Not to mention that the general lack of animation meant the few scenes where there was traditional-level animation felt really good. The voice acting was also amazing, (again not directly tied to the writing) especially when the voice actors carried their character and emotion from the scene into the stage directions, instead of just reading them out plainly. And, at the very least, the premise of the show is also really interesting (at least to me, mainly because I created 2 stories with a similar idea without even knowing anything about it. Simplified, specific superpowers are just perfect for character designing, you know?)

But I am kinda acting like the writing was bad, but it really wasn’t all things considered… I’m just not really into comedy, and when the comedy I don’t like is paired with writing and practically everything else I do like it doesn’t sit right with me. Considering this idea and some of the story beats were adopted from a DnD(-esque?) campaign, I feel like it’s much more fine. Frankly, I’m surprised I didn’t realize it sooner. Once I read about that, everything just fell into place. I’m not really into DnD either, though…

So, I feel like there are things to gain from thinking about this. While Epithet Erased is still on the mind, I feel like I’ve realized something about the juxtaposition of comedy and sincerity, that being that comedic characters can exist in sincere surroundings, and vice versa. Zora specifically could be one of these characters, because she’s so powerful that she probably sees everything around her as trivial, while the other characters have more sincere reactions to her obscene power. She could easily crack a sick joke that no one laughs at because she’s the only one who can find humor in whatever’s going on. By contrast, the thing about Mera’s fear of ducks was a product of the scene and not of the character, so it just ruined things. Nothing about it was made to be funny to the characters, it was made to be funny to the audience, even though the audience should be in sincere mode then.

Another character that I think works like this is Charlie from Hazbin Hotel, who is the sincere personality in a world of complete and total insincerity. She’s basically a more unique kind of straight man (despite being neither straight nor a man), who are always the grounding in comedic casts, like Squidward in Spongebob. I guess in sincere stories there are comedic relief characters, and in comedies there are straight men. You know, these are probably all things other people have figured out already… at least I can feel good knowing I sort of reached them on my own…

I think a good solution for stuff that’s primarily meant to be a comedy is to make it almost entirely comedic, at least with the inclusion of a straight man if needed. The big name that comes to mind is good ol Monty Python, the backbone of 14 year old boys’ humor style. At some point I realized why I like the humor of The Holy Grail, at least above other comedic movies, is that they don’t hold back at all. At no point whatsoever do they pull back the veil and put in a sincere moment. And, of course, since I can basically recite the entire movie from memory I think it did wonders. I think when it comes to comedies like this, trying to be too sincere at certain points makes it feel even less sincere than if it didn’t have the sincere moment at all. This might be a product of the 00s American family-rated live action comedies who all feel like they fall into that same boat, where the entire movie is hijinks, but then at the very end they pull that all back and have something really impactful happen, with the idea being having some shoehorned message about “family” or whatever. I can group so many movies into that category that it feels almost corporate how many there are like that, and because it’s both overdone and geared towards too generalized of an audience, trying to capture the comedy-lovers and sincere-lovers, it really just fails in both ways. Or, maybe people love them because they’re just barely bad enough to enjoy it in a so-bad-it’s-good sort of way. I dunno. If I wasn’t a little nostalgic for the time those types of movies might be my all-time least favorite.

But I’m a stick in the mud who hates comedy so I’m not really equipped to tell anyone how to do it right. Instead, I feel like there’s some seriously untapped potential in other forms of “feel-good” tones, like casual lightheartedness and just plain fun. I feel like those two things really work towards creating sincere stories that are still enjoyable, and not just one shot of sadness after another, while still having a dash of impactful emotion in them.

I feel like this is where Pixar really shines. People say “It’s not a true Pixar movie if you don’t cry at the end” because I think Pixar movies are great at making the audience lower their guard, and when the moment is right, hitting you right in your heart to make you feel the right emotions. For example, what I’d call my favorite movie of all time (for intents and purposes, if not for real), Inside Out, is all about emotional sincerity, where it’s trying to get across how it’s okay to feel sad, even though the world around you tends to say happiness is always what you want. For most of the movie, it’s a pretty casual romp around the inner workings of Riley’s mind, with some jokes thrown in (because it doesn’t have to be completely without jokes). I’m not really sure how to explain it, but the various jokes in Inside out feel like they’re sort of blended with the interesting workings of this fantasy mind-world, like the fact that earworms are just the little blobby workers in our minds sending the memory of the song back up to the control panel for the hell of it, or that our dreams are a product of a Hollywood-like place in our minds. These things definitely are there for humor, but something about them feels much more fun than just any kind of generic comedy.

Then, I feel like the most important thing about fun and lightheartedness is that they feel like they blend so much better with the sincere moments. Obviously if it’s too quick it’ll still be bad, but I think it’ll be much less bad than with comedy. Maybe you could think of it like a spectrum with pure comedy at one end and pure tragedy at the other, with fun and lightheartedness just barely crossing the midpoint towards the comedy side. Since there’s less of a gap between it and tragedy compared to pure comedy, it feels less jarring. Plus, it just feels more reasonable logically speaking, since comedy sort of puts up this insincere barrier to sort of suspend the disbelief that the events in question are supposed to be taken seriously, which makes breaking that barrier harder once it’s established. With fun and lightheartedness, there may be an expectation of it sort of maintaining itself but there isn’t as much to say there isn’t something hiding in the background. In Inside Out at least, throughout Joy and Sadness’ journey they are pretty determined to get back to the control panel to save Riley, but they’re for the most part confident they can do it (or, you know, just Joy’s confident), so they sort of interpret the world around them in a more casual light, but with that lower-level need still there. But when Joy falls into the abyss of forgotten memories and the hopelessness sets in, you feel it much more, because it was sort of already there to begin with, and it was just made perfectly clear at that moment. I think Bing Bong’s emotions during the scene also make it pretty emotional, since he’s being casual about his death while also being sincere about his sacrifice for Riley’s sake. Not to mention his inner sadness was outed while talking with Sadness.

I feel like if I were trying to write an actual essay I could probably phrase all this a lot better. I just think there’s a ton of value to lightheartedness in stories, as opposed to comedy, for the sake of “feeling good.” Pretty much all of my favorite things have that tone to them to some degree, like Wander Over Yonder, my for sure favorite TV show. It definitely feels fun in a way that can elicit laughs, but it’s not a lot like “This is a joke and you should laugh” most of the time (Disregarding the Evil Sandwich, my least favorite character in the show). I also think Steven Universe succeeds very well with that tone, creating an extremely comfy atmosphere when it comes to the less climactic episodes.

I also vastly prefer the lighthearted resolutions to the conflicts in lighthearted stories. Frankly, I am infinitely more likely to cry to a comfy and happy resolution than I am to the actual sad parts. I’m not really sure what it is about them, but I guess the characters finally being happy again after emotional turmoil warrants a happy-cry. I swear, if I think too hard about the scene where Riley finally admits her sadness to her parents and just sits in their warm embrace, I tear up. It feels so much better than hijinks-danger-hijink resolution.

But yeah, the stories I want to write the most will all inevitably have that sort of lighthearted flair to them, unless of course I choose to go more inherently serious with a story. There’s nothing wrong with that either.

With regard to the really big claim I made before about there being too much humor in the world, the themes of Inside Out, and what I said about comedy’s insincere barrier, I really think the world as a whole would benefit from valuing humor a little less. It feels like there are so many situations where people sort of want to maintain their good feelings with humor instead of more directly dealing with issues in a sincere mindset. For example, if people say something disagreeable (but not insane), It feels like too many people resort to making jokes at that person’s expense and not dealing with the issues directly. Obviously if someones saying some insane bullshit it’s fine, but when the more reasonable takes that are just barely put under the same umbrella as the insane shit are made fun of, it really deepens the trench between the people of different opinions. Of course, humor isn’t the only thing deepening that trench, but it really feels like one of them a lot of the time.

Apart from that, I feel like using humor as a way to distract from general negativity and negative emotions like what Inside Out sort of warns against can be pretty detrimental too. Obviously happiness can still be around, but putting up that kind of barrier between you and the necessary sincerity for emotion with comedy just makes the unpleasantness of the unpleasant stuff that much more unpleasant. I’m saying this one at least out of personal experience, since I have sort of developed to be too subconsciously against super sad and sincere real world scenarios. I haven’t personally felt too many of them myself, but I definitely feel myself blocking off some of my own emotional vulnerability, especially around other people. I can consciously talk against it, like I’m doing now, but I feel like it’s going to take a long time for that barrier to really break. Is humor to blame for that sort of thing? Maybe, with a dash of toxic masculinity and other buzzwords people often avoid for reasons I mentioned in the last paragraph.

Even though this one is much more unreasonably generalizable than the last two things, I feel like the popularity of self-deprecating humor across the internet also (probably?) takes a toll on some people. Obviously some people might just use it to their genuine benefit, but since it seems so common surely some people are putting on a self-deprecating face to get along, and eventually maybe even believing what they used to joke about themselves. Either way, it might be a product of an extreme departure from any kind of narcissism, making being self-confident and self-loving just that little bit harder for people.

But, while I’m not the most equipped to judge writing, I’m even less equipped to actually debate for the existence of all those things, so just know I’m kinda speaking with my heart and not my brain here. People obviously want and need different things, and I’m probably just projecting. Hell, maybe that’s me self-deprecating to not make me seem weird to everyone else. I dunno.

No matter what, all this reliance on humor really just shows who is and isn’t funny. Sometimes, people really need to get a grip. Frankly, I don’t think I’m that funny either, which is why I’ve kind of had the humor beaten out of me by one too many awkward silences after a weird joke in my elementary/middle school days. I guess that’s my cartoon villain origin story.

#rant #rambling #opinions #writing #humor #comedy #epithet erased #poole #etc

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sweet-xoxo-thatcares · 4 years ago

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I wanted us to be a family.

I'm a sugar plum princess when I turn into this little girl who needs attention, who needs love and lots of cuddles, large hugs, cute big, soft, warm hugs, hugs so big that I could travel the world in them and never have to leave my door shut to keep my real mommy and daddy from looking out my window. I want them to only look at me. Me, and me only. Nobody else. I want kisses from you, and immediate affection when I see you. I want you to pick me up and lift me on your shoulders, so I can see the world from up here. I miss the way my mom and dad used to be with me. We used to have so much fun together. Go see the movies, go to theme park rides, the carnival, go to the museums, Disney World, Disney Channel, Noggin and sometimes PBS with momma, Cartoon Network and Scooby Doo, Dexter's Laboratory, Powerpuff Girls, and animated movies with Dad. My whole childhood changed once we moved out of that house and I had to get older, I had to change. But I didn't want to. I wanted everything to be the same like always. I waited us to always have fun, smiling, laughing and to be on vacation because that's when everybody was the most excited about me before my sisters come. Because I already wanted some sisters, I just wanted them to behave and be nice just like me. But they're so different from me. And....feeling like a burden to your family because you can't meet their expectations of you like you always have, really does make me feel dumb, stupid, useless or just like trash. A toy even. Because I've run out of batteries. I always felt better watching VeggieTales or watching movies and shows like Barney, Sesame Street, Charlie Brown was for holidays. But I liked the newer songs and shows too that my sisters and I watched together.

I kinda became that version of younger Dad that I had for them, because I liked how cool and fun and edgy he would try to be to get manma to feel better. I don't think I noticed it, but maybe I did used to get jealous of the attention he used to give her when I wanted just me and daddy time. Because he was the most fun to hang out with out of the 2. Mom was too aggressive and controlling when we used to play games and she hated losing. Sounds like the older version of me....when did I become so aggressively hyper? Ready to kick ass.....I know school.....those bullies 🤨 that's why I only trust certain people...especially people like me who can understand where I come from and the reason why I act a certain way about certain things. Its because of rules and chores and homework....I hate learning new things if I don't see it necessary for me to learn them, I hate following rules if I don't see the point of them or if its unfair to the rest of the people that it limits or hinders, but makes the other give more power to the people that already have the upper hand. I like fair and equal. It keeps it simple, so I don't have to compare myself to a chump who doesn't deserve it. And I hate cheaters. Cheaters I teach a lesson to. I'm quick like that, once I learn what you did and how you did it. I'll unlearn it and even do a better job than you at it just to prove to you that I'm better and smarter at it than you. And if you do it to me again, I'll bring the heat to you 10X as harder so you'll get it. It's petty but reasonable, unless you're too stubborn to learn that you can't fool me or cheat me out of a deal. If it ain't 50/50, I'll make it for ya Picasso. You don't get to trick me and tell me what to do. I do, cause honestly that's not being a fair player. I probably seriously have a petty, aggressive child like side that needs some healing from my childhood abuse by someone else (not mom and dad) cause I never told her until I was in high school. And it happened when I was 5, while watching a Barbie Princess Movie. And now I'm obsessed with sparkly glittery and pink shit everywhere with a bunch of cuddle buddies who feel so soft and big like my Teddy Bear, that I used to sleep with...

I need help. But buy me candy 1st. I love gummies, applesauce, and yogurt squeezies please. Everything and everyone of my friends must stay with me. My mom and dad, please don't ruin my fun. I think thats why I miss that couple so much. They took care of me at times and brought me food. I miss pizza. And Pizza, she was my only friend. ..... doesn't want us to say their name or she freaks out about it. She doesn't like talking about them anymore 😔 I don't like seeing her sad like that all day. I'm hoping she does a good at keeping us safe next time. I'm worried. Especially on okc. I told her to tell everyone about what happened and why she's hurt. It affects how she looks, but we need a real man who won't excuse for needing love and affection and being so emotional around other people she cares to trust herself with. Its pain to see her hurt or rejected even when she tried or tries so hard to be liked and accepted by men, women....I don't think she wants to date another trans man, only because it will remind her of her ex. The one she's having a hard time getting over. I hate talking about it too. What should I call you?

How about Calina, like ballerina. I've always wanted to be one on stage. I miss ballerina class. I miss my tutu, the frille, and my pink leotard, and my silky pink slippers. I loved the heart it had on my front chest. Reminded me of the power puff girls. But I think Ky thinks she's too old and too big to dance as pretty like the other skinnier girls who did it. I wish I could jump higher and be as quiet, as poised, and as gracious with my body.

We just gotta lose weight and I'll feel more comfortable with people watching me like that.

I don't like people watching me when its not finished yet, cause I want you to see me as perfect, an A+. Like my teacher. I wanna be as smart as my teacher.

I wanna know everything there is that I need to know so I can be prepared with what to do next so I don't miss a step or make a mistake.

I hate disappointing you too. If you're listening. But you don't like me when I'm a little. And I hate you when you don't like me. Its easier to get over you when you hate me, because then I can just hate you for hating me or not liking me anymore. I'm sure you don't, good job at trying to be socially acceptable. I'm sure she'll appreciate you finally committing to just her and being monogamous.

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hphm-etched-engraved-everlasting · 5 years ago

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1. Clara

Author’s Note/Table of Contents

For the first time since I was a first year, I felt scared stepping into Hogwarts.

September 1 should have been a day for every student to look forward to. After all, the prospect of learning more magic and catching up with friends in a hallowed castle that lived up to its reputation was exciting for any normal student. But I was not like most others; I was not a normal student at all. I was anything but normal, and it was no thanks to her.

As my sister and I disembarked from the Hogwarts Express together, both of us in our Hogwarts robes, I couldn't help but feel a little lightheaded to see the number of students chatting excitedly among themselves. It was almost as if none of the curses they've encountered had affected them in any way. I suppose that was understandable, since they all knew that eventually the curse-breakers would do something about the travesties that befell upon them. Still, they had no idea just what every hero had to endure. I didn't even feel heroic just by breaking curses so that Hogwarts could resume its normalcy.

At least it still seemed normal enough for my sister to be able to attend school at peace and ease.

"Firs' years! Firs' years this way!"

My ears perked up the minute I heard Hagrid's voice beckoning all the newcomers to the school towards the boats, and I grinned as I lead my sister along. She looked a little intimidated at the thought of leaving my side, even briefly, but she nodded bravely as she went with me to meet with my giant friend.

"Clara! Yeh doin' alrigh'?" he asked me the moment I approached him.

"Yeah. As well as I can be," I answered him with a forced smile. "This is my sister, by the way. Her name's Emily, but most people call her Em."

Hagrid nodded and beamed at her. "Well, when yeh got a sister like her, yeh'll do great things here!" he reassured her with a clap on the shoulder that almost knocked her over. "I'll take yeh to the boats, alrigh'? Yeh can meet the other firs' years there, an’ I'll take yeh to Hogwarts. Yeh'll see yer sister in the Great Hall."

Little Em nodded, but not before giving me a hug. "Take care, Clara."

"See you inside, Em."

As Hagrid ushered little Em away, I followed the rest of the crowd towards the carriages pulled by invisible beings. Or at least, at the time I thought they were invisible. What was pulling the carriages, anyway? It had to be something mysterious. I shook my head as I got into the first carriage I saw that wasn't completely occupied--and a moment later, a familiar magizoologist-in-the-making climbed in after me.

"Liz!" I greeted her with a grin. "Hey!"

Liz turned to me and smiled back serenely. "Hey, Clara. Thanks for your letters--they're a joy to read."

"Indeed! It's always a joy for me to keep regular correspondence with my friends. I'm just glad you had a good summer, Liz," I responded with a nod.

"Regular correspondence, huh? What about with me?" an all-too-familiar voice piped up, a huge grin on his face as he took a seat beside me.

"I wouldn't forget about you, Barnaby." I grinned back at him and kissed him on the cheek. "Not after our first date. I guess we have been writing...quite often."

Eventually, another familiar student made an appearance--Jae.

"Hey, detention buddy," he greeted me with a nod as well, taking a seat beside Liz. "Or should I say, no-longer-in-detention buddy?"

"Jae. Fancy seeing you here," I said, trying hard to keep a straight face, though I couldn't help but smile. Jae was very good company when I was spending quite a bit of my fifth year at Hogwarts in detention, working in the kitchens alongside the house elves. He was just as involved in the curse-breaking plan as I was back then.

"Likewise. I suppose you got it better than I, though. Pitts would be very happy to see me," Jae simply said with a grin.

"Oh, I doubt it. Unless you can make better sandwiches for us," I teased back with a laugh. "At least then Pitts would give you a good raise."

The four of us laughed a little, Barnaby's hand gently brushing mine as the carriage lurched forward and took us to the school. There was little I could do to stop the rush of heat blossoming in my face as I remembered our first date together. Though word about me having a crush made me feel so self-conscious, I decided to rub it in everyone's faces--even if things didn't exactly go as planned. And to think that he felt the same about me...well, if that wasn't a good start to our once-upon-a-time, what was?

Soon, we were greeted by the massive castle looming over us, the glow of the torch lights from within visible through their postage stamp windows. Most others would probably murmur in excitement or awe, but I felt none of those things within me. Instead, a lump of fear formed at my throat, nausea rising within me like hot lava prepared to spew out of a volcano. For so long, I was able to push the feeling of unease down because none of my questions had been answered. I had the curiosity hanging, but they were easily masked. Now that my curiosity has been satisfied, they left me with sleepless nights, tired eyes, and no way to hide my true emotions. I just didn't expect my questions to be answered that way.

I'd prefer remaining curious instead of knowing what it meant to live a nightmare.

Everyone eventually headed into the Great Hall, Barnaby's hand eventually brushing mine again but this time holding on to it, his calloused tough hand warm against my suddenly ice-cold one. It was all I could do to not slip away as I squeezed it once, interlocking my fingers with his under hopefully no watchful eye. No, wait, there was one. Percy Weasley walked by and noticed the two of us holding hands, giving no reaction whatsoever.

We all eventually parted ways, heading towards our respective house tables. As I started to make my way to the Gryffindor table, eager to meet up with Rowan, my eyes soon honed in on Tonks and Charlie waving me over at the front. I quickly joined them with a wave of my own, and Tonks did a little victory fist pump.

"Wotcher, Clara!" she greeted me. "Blimey, am I glad to see you!"

Charlie beamed at me as well. "Me too. Especially after how you 'disappeared' from Bill's party before graduation!"

"We didn't have a chance to ask you about it before everyone left for the summer holidays," Tonks piped in.

I chuckled and smiled at the two of them. "I'm very glad to see you both, too. But I can't tell you anything about my disappearance. I've been sworn to secrecy."

The same words I told Rowan last year before the summer holidays left my lips almost automatically. If this information was passed to the wrong hands, I would never forgive myself. Not that they would, given how much I trust my friends above anything. But I still had to watch my back for potential backstabbers. I just hoped there wasn't another Rakepick in the mix of all the kind faces.

"You do know who that was who crashed the party, though? Alastor Moody?" Tonks prompted.

"Mad-Eye, some people call him. At least, that's what my dad says," Charlie said, and I shrugged.

"He was a hero of the Wizarding War!" Tonks regaled. "He was responsible for sending countless Death Eaters to Azkaban. He's rather a big deal, Clara."

Sounds just like the Auror Tonks would be looking up to. After all, she did want to become an Auror herself when she grew up, and I knew she'd be a great one. "I know that now. I see you're a huge fan of his, Tonks," I laughed.

"Hey! Anyone who's ever thought of becoming an Auror would be a fan of Mad-Eye Moody!" Tonks exclaimed with a huge grin on her face.

Just then, Rowan came over, waving to the few of us as well. "Hi! How were everyone's summer holidays?"

I had never been more relieved to see Rowan. She's been with me since the very beginning, before I stepped foot in Hogwarts. Now I was more than honoured to call her my closest friend at school. After all, she helped me pull through with my studies while I was otherwise breaking curses at the school.

"Not bad, actually. I spent my summer doing a lot of reading about--"

"Ooh, me too!" Rowan exclaimed, cutting Charlie off. I almost laughed; reading was one thing Rowan loved to do back home on her family tree farm.

"I was going to say I read a lot about the Romanian Dragon Sanctuary," Charlie recovered slowly.

Now the grin slipped off from Rowan's face. "Oh. I...read about other stuff."

"I'm just happy to be back at Hogwarts with minimal bumps and bruises," Tonks chipped in with a light shrug.

"Bumps and bruises?" I asked. "What were you up to, Tonks?"

"Nothing exciting. But you know me. I get banged up just dismounting my broom," Tonks responded.

That was pretty fair. Clumsiness was one of Tonks' weaknesses, and I hoped it wouldn't completely hinder her chances at becoming an Auror.

"What about you, Clara?" Rowan asked, turning to me. "I mean, I got your letters. You did have a rough end of the school year, too. What was on your mind?"

While Rowan and I did have regular correspondence over the summer along with the rest of my friends, I could only tell her everything happening to me on the surface. I was scared of information falling into the wrong hands--especially after what Mad-Eye Moody told me last year that made me worried out of my mind. Still, she did ask me a fair question. My mind wandered to my sister, who I know would be standing outside the Great Hall right now while Professor McGonagall attended to other matters before the Sorting.

Little Em, who I held so dear with my life--just as much as I did my friends and family. Perhaps she and I weren't as close as Jacob and I, but she was a part of my family, after all. I felt obligated to keep her safe from all the dangers around us--especially her.

Her. She was all I could think of over the summer. How she lead me on, made me trust her before betraying me by saying she betrayed my brother first. Using me for her gain was just...low. And using my friends like petty useless trinkets--I couldn't fathom the limits anger could reach.

"I thought mostly of Rakepick," I confessed.

The mere mention of her name made the atmosphere more tense.

"I couldn't stop thinking about what she did, not just to me, but my brother before me, and now my friends," I said in a quiet voice, so that no one but the three heard me. "How she lead us all on, convincing us that she was helping us when she only wanted us for her operation. To spy on us for our adversaries. And now that we're back, I can't help but think about what she'll do next, and what I could do to stop her. After all, we are one Cursed Vault away from ultimate peace at Hogwarts. Whatever's in the last Vault must be powerful, and it cannot fall into the wrong hands."

Rowan's jaw became very set the moment she heard this. "Indeed. Rakepick's hands would definitely be the wrong hands. So what would you do about this? After all, you did mention that everything will change--not to mention, you were so busy curse breaking last year, we didn't have much of a chance to bond."

"I guess time will tell."

I couldn't say more.

Next moment, the first years were filing in, Professor McGonagall leading the way as she carried the Sorting Hat and stool to the front, and I caught a glimpse of my sister mixed with the rest as I took my seat beside Rowan at the Gryffindor table. Little Em didn't look so little among the first years, but she was still little to me, and probably most vulnerable if Rakepick somehow knew about her.

If something happened to her, I would never forgive myself.

I clenched my fist under the table as I watched the Sorting unfold, hoping and praying that whatever house little Em gets Sorted into, she would be safe and protected.

#here's chapter 1 #yippee #hphm clara lin #hphm em lin #hogwarts mystery #etched engraved everlasting #hphm spoilers #how was your summer #year 6 retell #year 6 spoilers

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currentlyprocrastinating · 4 years ago

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For the ask thing, how about 10, 17, and 20!!

(this is charlie btw love youuu)

Hiii Charlie!!! Love u too cutie!! (´ ▽｀).。ｏ♡

10. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

I'm honestly not 100% sure. My neurological condition makes it hard to hide certain emotions, usually feelings of rejection (RSD). It's also pretty hard for me to suppress a laugh or a smile when I see/hear something really funny. But I'm rather good at hiding jealousy. And when I'm not in-person, like here on Tumblr, I'm definitely better at it in general. So, basically, my give-aways/tells are all physical; it's not a matter of not controlling my emotions.

17. Opinion on insecurities

Ooh, this one's a bit vague, but I'm assuming it means in the general sense. Well, everyone has them, whether or not they like to admit it. And they aren't necessarily the same throughout your whole life. But I don't think you should let them rule you. Don't live by your emotions, and don't let your insecurities hinder you to the extreme. It can be scary, but it's important to step outside your comfort zones here and there, even just a tiny bit. Start that conversation. Post that fanart. Ask that question. Compliment yourself.

Oh- that's another thing. My insecurities aren't really in the physical, so I almost forgot, but I'm well aware that appearance and features is a very common insecurity. I used to have it, albeit on a mild scale, but eventually I just... I listened. To everyone who told me I was cute or pretty. I tried (as I do with several things in my life) to view myself from an outside, unbiased perspective. And eventually, I could look in the mirror, and acknowledge my blemishes and imperfections, even point out features I liked. My freckles, my eyes, my lashes. I'm not a 10 by any means, but I can easily say I'm not ugly, and believe it.

Hang out with people who lift you up, who support you and each other. It seriously helps your confidence and self-esteem. And just... try to view things as objectively as you can. That's my experience and what worked for me, at least.

Somehow this turned into me lowkey giving advice, whoops, lol.

[ ask list ]

#im not an expert nor am i perfect so!!#dont take everything i said 100% hhh #lolol #thanks for the asks! hitting those toughies #hehehe #417 says stuff #l0s3r95 #☆ charlie ☆#ask game #20 has already been answered! :3 #mod info

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kathyprior4200 · 5 years ago

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The Seven Deadly Episodes

“Episode 1: That’s Entertainment!”

(See Hazbin Hotel, That’s Entertainment!)

Charlie sings her lament “I’m Always Chasing Rainbows.” Followed by “Inside of Every Demon is a Rainbow” followed by “Alastor’s Reprise.”

(See also “Helluva Boss”)

“Episode 2”

Part 1: Group eats Alastor’s Jambalaya and first customers arrive at the hotel. Vaggie works as a manager, Charlie and Alastor greet people at the door. Razzle and Dazzle and Niffty help with carrying bags to the rooms.

Charlie sings a happy song (“Things Can Go Well in Hell”)

Part 2: Sir Pentious goes to Baxter and gives him technology and money in exchange for making him stronger Egg Bois and repairing his ship.

Baxter sings (“Science and Solitude Serenade”)

Sir Pentious sings a victory/anticipation song as his new inventions are made (“I’m Sssso Evil!”)

Part 3: Vaggie gets mad when Niffty, Angel, Alastor and Husk mess things up. Husk drinks and gambles too much, calling her a bitch, Niffy brings the wrong food to the rooms and Alastor knocks her down on purpose. And Angel’s antics and pole dancing make her mad. Alastor assaults Vaggie, slaps her butt and gropes her. Vaggie becomes jealous when Alastor and Charlie dance and hang out. Vaggie loses it when Alastor does radio dad jokes on stage. Angel leaves to see his family and prepare for the next turf war.

(Vaggie sings a ranting song: “I’m Gonna Kill Them”)

Part 3: Valentino gets angry with Angel for not giving him money, resulting in a harsh “punishment” that was both arousing and deadly. Angel is further humiliated when Vox puts it on TV and Velvet shares it around social media. Henroin, his father, abuses Angel afterward, calling him a gay sissy druggie, while the white spider mother, Acknida, looks on.

Black furry brother Aracknis says to Angel and Molly they are slutty loser twins. Angel and Molly comfort each other and start the next turf war with Cherri vs Sir Pentious and Baxter, much to his gray furred father and older brother’s disgust.

Angel sings a lament/whimsical song about feeling stuck but trying to keep fighting and pursuing his ecstasy pleasures (“Fuck My Life…Dust Myself Off”)

The next battle is harder and Sir Pentious is almost victorious (“No Alastor to save you this time!”) Sir Pentious shoots a blast that destroys most of a city and lots of demons. Cherri tosses a bomb, causing the ship to crash toward the ground. (“My turf, you scrambled shit eggheads!”) She manages to blow up several other metallic egg bois before getting shot by Sir Pentious, knocked out. Molly and Angel scurry over to the base and blast Sir Pentious backwards, while making more sex jokes. The two of them manage to knock him out and declare West City theirs. Baxter heals Sir Pentious, stuns Angel and escapes via a smoke grenade, back to his lab. Katie and Tom Trench share this on the news, Tom making dirty comments about Cherri and Molly. Molly watches in horror from behind a cliff as Vox and his demon minions drag an unconscious angel back to the studio (to be later brainwashed by Vox and Valentino.)

Part 4: In a dramatic twist, Lucifer enters the hotel to see what is going on. Lucifer notices Charlie trying to rehabilitate demons and shakes his head. He criticizes her for being involved with Vaggie and trying to “hinder (his) routine/family tradition of instilling fear and suffering.” Helsa and her green brother Adrian (Charlie’s ex) also arrive to further mock Charlie and assault her plans. Adrian tries to get back with Charlie by scooping her up in his arms…but Vaggie points her spear at him and he lets her go. Charlie explains why she broke up with him and encouraged him to see the good in people. He just scoffs. “It’s me or nobody,” he said.

Charlie goes to talk with her parents in private. Lilith gets back from a concert performance and modeling shift.

The Magne Family sing a song called (“Royal Problems are Shit)”

(Charlie sings about wanting to redeem sinners, Lucifer sings about wanting to keep up his fear inducing reputation and Lilith sings about how busy she is and how she wants to spend more time with her family).

In private with her parents, Charlie argues against the exterminations but Lucifer said it was part of an agreement between him and God: reduce the population so Hell wouldn’t be a threat. In exchange, the angels wouldn’t harm the royal family. The problem is…Heaven is elite and only chooses those who truly redeemed themselves and embraced God. Lucifer thinks Charlie’s plan won’t work 1 because the ridiculous idea would make the family look like a weaker joke and 2 he secretly worries that if Charlie redeemed sinners, she would go to Heaven with them, thus leaving her parents and kingdom behind.

(Brief backstory about how Lucifer met Lilith and fell from Heaven. “Demons never get second chances, Charlie. They’re destined to suffer like I did. Unfortunately, redeeming sinners is only half the hard part. Getting them into Heaven would be near impossible if they didn’t match up to certain standards.” Charlie, in tears, is still willing to try.)

No one notices a shadow spirit overhear their conversation and pass the information back to Alastor. He lets out a low laugh and says “Stay tuned,” (roll credits). Extra scene of the egg bois shooting each other with Sir Pentious’ ray gun, the overlord chasing after them in anger.

“Episode 3”

Charlie wonders where Angel is. Molly races to the hotel and tells them the news. Charlie and Alastor and several other demons volunteer to sneak into Vox’s lair and rescue Angel. Vaggie is left behind, fuming, Charlie had said “Vaggie we need someone to help protect the hotel.” Vaggie said “You wanna rescue that pervert, fine, but don’t expect me to give you any advice on where to get spears.”

Charlie apologizes and says her advice would be helpful. Vaggie gets another one from the black market, keeping her own. She gives it to Charlie in secret, saying “hold onto it, don’t let anyone else have it. And be careful.”

Molly recruits a porn-loving teen rebel Hellhound, Crymini.

Charlie, Molly, Crymini, and Alastor and the group sneak into the studio. Vox has Angel hypnotized and orders him to attack. Vox then uses the time to brainwash the population with sex and propaganda on TV. Soon, everyone is hooked to the screens, giving Vox extra energy. Alastor encounters his rival and they both engage in a brutal fight over Hell. Alastor summons Niffty to fight Velvet and Husk to stop Valentino from violating Molly. Crymini fights off the minions of the three Vs.

Charlie briefly battles with Angel, his eyes red lines like Vox’s. She conjures up fire and notices the spear. She slices off a wire hooked to Angel’s head and breaks Vox’s possession by setting the spear tip on fire with her fingers, trapping Angel in a fiery pentagram, gently inserting it in the spot between his eyes, and chanting a Satanic cleansing ritual in French. (She learned that from Lucifer after he explained what could happen if she “took shit from other demons”).

Alastor and Vox are equally matched. Radio waves and TV screens clash throughout Hell. “TV killed the Radio Star begins to play, causing Alastor to start losing, even resulting in him being electrocuted in a tangle of cables. Niffty defeats Velvet with Molly’s help and a distraction from Cherri Bomb (escaping through the red smoke). Velvet gets up and brushes off the fire from her clothing.

Valentino, knocking Husk away says “Angel, baby, submit to me or I’ll kill you…or better yet, make you watch as I “mess” with your friends live on TV!” Angel’s eyes briefly turn into hearts…nearly under his control… “And you can say goodbye to your pathetic Happy Hotel!”

Husk offers to gamble against Valentino, the winner gets Angel. They gamble as the two overlords fight, outside. Husk wins but Valentino noticed him cheating. Before Valentino can unleash his full power, Vox and Alastor unintentionally ram into him as they fly through the wall and windows.

Lucifer, a flaming blue deer overlord, and a black spider overlord arrive to end the fight. Just before the fight ends, Alastor lands the victory blow, shattering a hole in Vox’s TV head and knocking him to the ground. Lucifer warns Vox and Alastor that he can send them into the void if they cause any more trouble. Both nod and separate. Vox goes back to the studio to get repaired and Valentino promptly fires Angel and takes his money. Now Angel suffers from withdrawal but Charlie helps him out. She reminds him of all the good things he has done…saving his friend’s lives, caring for his family, and working hard to stay clean.

Katie and Tom tell about the event on the news and their ratings go sky high.

Katie and Tom visit the hotel at the wrong time. Charlie sings a cheesy song to Angel, Alastor, Husk, Niffty and Vaggie and the other demons (“Redemption and Rainbows.”)

The other demons laugh and Alastor laughs and claps. Charlie is once again, humiliated on the news. Catie joyfully calls Charlie a failure, as her plan hadn’t worked yet, making Charlie mad and upset again.

Later Angel thanks Charlie for saving him and thanks Husk for saving his sister. Husk gradually warms up to everyone and even tells Alastor and the group about his time in the Vietnam War. It was revealed that Vaggie had told Charlie’s parents what was going on, (thus risking her life if she made a wrong impression to Lucifer) thus ending the battle and saving the area.

Many weeks later, Charlie excitedly announces that Angel, Vaggie, and maybe Husk are ready to go to Heaven.

In private, it is revealed that Husk and Niffty sold their souls to Alastor in hopes of easier lives. Niffty, under possession, steals Vaggie’s spear and gives it to him. For the first time ever, Alastor frowns and cries…because of several reasons. 1 he discovers that his mother is in Heaven and that (in his mind) he cannot be redeemed and he can’t go see her…he’s a lost cause, as Lucifer had told him. 2 If he continued on with his plan, it would hurt Charlie and put their friendship on the line. His shadow overtakes him and his grins again, saying “Stay tuned” and eating a severed demon head.

“Episode 4”

Charlie, Vaggie and the others sing karaoke and Angel Dust does some pole dancing (he makes Alastor try some moves much to his embarrassment.) Angel poses on a counter as a “tasty meal” while Alastor tries to “cook” him with a flamethrower. The new motto for the hotel made by Alastor “Come in and die… (Charlie quickly adds): “…of fun!”

Although Alastor had defeated Sir Pentious, made jambalaya for the group, encouraged Charlie along the way and helped in the battle against the three Vs, he also was up to no good. (The only one suspicious being Vaggie).

When Lucifer didn’t approve of Charlie’s idea, Alastor said Charlie’s idea was nonsense but then mentioned that he wanted to help her run it due to being bored. “Lucifer, you seem to be awfully hard on her a lot. Why so serious and strict?” Luicifer replied, “None of your fucking business, freak show. You don’t know what’s best for her. I told her not to trust any demons…especially the suspicious ones.” Alastor says with a (fake) pleading voice, “Please Lucifer sir, give Charlie a chance. I’m only here to help her out and protect the hotel.” Lucifer threatens to kill Alastor if he harms Charlie and Alastor knows not to mess with him…so he calculates his next move in his head.

He does other things as a trickster:

Alastor stirs an argument between Husk and a bunch of Hellhounds over who won a rigged card game.

Aastor broadcasts murders, Hazbin Hotel events and dad jokes for comedic effect.

He calls Niffty in to wake demons super early to rapidly clean their rooms and serve them (misplaced) breakfast meals.

Husk hordes the liquor and wine for himself and Alastor doesn’t say anything.

Alastor invites Mimzy and Rosie, his fellow music friends over for a show, even inviting Charlie to dance and sing “Your Never Fully Dressed” on stage with him. Vaggie glares in envy much Alastor’s amusement, though Charlie doesn’t notice.

To ignite Charlie’s anger and desire to see her goal to the end, Alastor causally suggests to the Eldriches to give the hotel a bad review and to harass “your familial rivals.”

Charlie meets up with her friends to go to her mother’s Resist concert. Later on, a family feud begins between the Magnes and Eldriches. It is revealed that the Eldriches had posted bad reviews about the hotel and that Katie Killjoy helped spread the rumors about the “Hazbins.” Charlie is about to fight them, but instead tolerates them and treats them as guests like the other demons coming to the hotel. It is here that Charlie matures and tries hard to see the good in everyone…but she also learns not to trust many demons (ironically trusting Alastor more as he helps out).

Alastor plans some more before he says “Stay tuned.”

“Episode 5”

Alastor’s plan slowly comes into being. He decides to stay behind 1 because he hasn’t been redeemed and 2 to heed to Lucifer’s concern about the dangerous archangels. (He still only cares for himself and isn’t in love with anyone.) Charlie and her friends reach the Heavenly Gates but are judged by the army of Archangels upon arrival. Only a few rich demons have access to Heaven and they turn into humans with wings or friendly bi pedal animals. The group barely escapes with their lives until Lucifer arrives and saves them…disintegrating the angels.

Charlie cries and tells everyone what happened. She reconciles with Vaggie but Lucifer interrupts them to take Charlie aside. He loses his patience and slaps her when she summons fire around her.

Charlie’s parents had been right about it being nearly impossible to get into Heaven but Charlie refused to give in. She argues that everyone deserves a chance and bursts into tears. Lucifer said “Maybe it’s for the best” to which Charlie replies “No it’s not!” Lucifer realizes that God and the Archangels are planning to arrive in several days. God and the angels think that if “redeemed” sinners entered Heaven, they could cause chaos and be spies for those in Hell. Heaven wouldn’t be able to use their effective fear tactics of killing demons once every year to reduce the population.

He believes that if Charlie hadn’t started all this, then maybe the mess wouldn’t have occurred. One of the angels appears to Lucifer and orders him to destroy the hotel in order to not encourage redemption from sinners who “deserve to suffer and stay in their place.” Lucifer complies (much to Lilith’s and Charlie’s protests) in order for the archangels to spare him and his family. (thankfully everyone is outside and the hotel is repaired later.) Charlie swears at her parents and runs away.

Charlie sings another lament (“Rainbows Fade Away”)

Outside, Alastor comforts Charlie after she’s upset that her plan failed. Charlie adds “I bet you’re happy that you finally got to see sinners fail.” Out of spite, Charlie steals her father’s apple staff and gives it to Alastor. Alastor takes Charlie into an empty radio studio. They kiss and share a song and dance. Charlie is assured that things will turn out right in the end.

Niffty captures Vaggie and Husk captures Angel while under Alastor’s spell. By the time Vaggie and Angel break free and get away, Charlie is nowhere to be seen. Niffty and Husk turn back to normal and apologize to them, explaining how they had made deals with Alastor in exchange for easier lives in Hell.

Alastor sings a jolly electro swing song called “Are you Ready?” (“Are you ready to change the world, dear?)

But then the song changes and Charlie soon realizes she’s in a trap. Alastor grins and holds up a knife…then it shows a brief flashback of a human Alastor murdering his victims in a forest. “Are You Ready” quickly turns darker. (“Are you ready to suffer and fail, my dear?”) Charlie finds herself surrounded by the shadow spirits. She tries to fight them off but Alastor lulls her to sleep and holds her prisoner in his interdimensional lair. When Alastor sees Charlie crying and saying “I trusted you!” he feels an odd feeling of guilt for his betrayal. He later holds her a spear-point in front of Lucifer and Lilith. Lucifer threatens to blast him to bits but Alastor offers to make a deal. The deal was: Charlie’s life and safety in exchange for the throne. Alastor orders both her parents to shake on it. Lilith does first and her dark power flows to Alastor. Lucifer engages in battle with Alastor but stops when a powerless Lilith is being choked by black tendrils.

Charlie rescues her mother and escorts her to a safe place. Alastor defeats Lucifer, takes his dark energy and soon takes over Hell.

God and the angels noticed Lucifer’s actions and would later send more Archangels down to cleanse one-fourth of the population, a larger number than before. The demons declare war. The overlords briefly work together to slow down the Archangels, Michael, Gabriel etc.

Alastor briefly enjoys slaughtering demons and angels to his heart’s content. (Alastor’s shadow had wanted this all along…for Alastor to release the dark shadow spirits and voodoo imps to consume the souls of demons and roam as they please. Alastor, the whole time, had let himself been manipulated by his shadow self.)

Alastor says “Stay tuned.”

“Episode 6”

Alastor later shows a change of heart when he notices Charlie and her friends struggling to fight the angels and overlords. He realizes that if he continues to be consumed by bloodlust and restlessness, than he will never see his mother and lose his only friendships with Charlie and her friends. He fights off his evil shadow and redeems himself…but his staff breaks, restoring power/souls to Niffty, Husk, and Charlie’s parents and making him powerless.

Charlie later frees Niffty and Husk and Alastor helped (once he fought off the evil influence of his wendigo shadow). Alastor defeats his shadow but his microphone staff breaks…leaving him powerless.

The final battle between Heaven and Hell. Lucifer and Lilith fight Michael and the other archangels. Lucifer has a change of heart and vows to help Charlie, once he realizes that sinners can be redeemed if the rules are changed. Those who die twice get sent to the void.

Alastor says “Stay tuned.”

“Episode 7: That’s a Wrap!”

In the end, Charlie and Vaggie go to Heaven and get married. Charlie becomes a mediator between the two worlds, having black angel wings and helping with redeeming sinners. Vaggie watches over people who get reincarnated back on Earth or helps them prepare for the void. Angel turns human-like and goes by Anthony, his human name, though he still enjoys Angel Dust. Vaggie discovers her human name; Vagatha and she turns into her Hispanic human self with dark wings. Husk discovers his human name: Hustle (for now) and turns cat-like with friendlier features. Alastor gets redeemed and turns into a light-blue suit wearing man with a light brown deer face, (with human hands) who reunites with his mother in Heaven after more than 100 years. Husk/Hustle finds new love in Heaven and Anthony/Angel, Molly, become role models to kids in Heaven. Lucifer and Lilith stay behind to rule Hell, their powers restored, but Charlie can visit both worlds. God agrees to let more people into Heaven after they proven themselves through various tests in the other Circles of Hell. The purges finally come to an end…a truce.

Alastor says with a laugh, “That’s All Folks…Or Is it?”

Note: This is if no one dies and everyone lives happily ever after. Who will actually survive, both in the show and in the unofficial episodes?

(Niffty was actually evil but that’s another story).

Charlie finishes with a final song (“At the End of the Rainbow”)

Bonus Backstory Episodes!

Angel (“Deviance, Drugs, and Determination”)

Alastor (“Murder On The Air”)

Husk (“The Game of Life”)

Vaggie (“Salvadorian Fighter”)

Niffty (“Hyperactive Romantic”)

Episode 1 (OST) (18 tracks)

“I’m Always Chasing Rainbows” (song)

“Spider Provider”

“Fifty Shades of Egg”

“Please Don’t Sing”

“Professional Bitch”

“Charlie’s Monologue”

“Inside of Every Demon is a Rainbow” (song)

“We Have a Gay Spider”

“One Little Brawl”

“In the Arms of an Angel”

“Hey Mom”

“The World is a Stage”

“The Radio Demon”

“A Real Surreal Deal”

“This Little Darling is Niffty”

“This Little Darling is Husk”

“Alastor’s Reprise” (song)

“Sir Pentious Fucking Dies”

Episode 2 (UOST)

“Who Wants Some Jambalaya?”

“Things Can Go Well In Hell” (song)

“A Snake Returns”

“Evil Scientist”

“Science and Solitude” (song)

“I’m Ssso Evil!” (song)

“Life at the Hazbin Hotel”

“I’m Gonna Kill Them” (song)

“You’re Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile” (song)

“Embrace Your Punishment”

“Familial Addicts”

“Sinister Spider Senses”

“Fuck My Life…Dust Myself Off” (song)

“Turf War Take Two”

“666 News”

“The King Arrives”

“Rich Eldritch Bitches”

“Royal Problems Are Shit” (song)

“Lucifer’s Fall”

“I Have To Try”

“Shadow Spies”

Episode 3 (UOST)

“Molly”

“Angel In Distress”

“Deadly Weapon”

“Crymini”

“Porn Studios”

“The Three Vs”

“Vile Victory Villains” (song)

“TV Time”

“A.I. Angel Attacks!”

“Washing the Brainwashing”

“Brawl of Two Overlords”

“Take a Gamble”

“Happy Valentino’s Day”

“Calvary of Kings”

“Lucifer’s Warning”

“There’s Good Inside You” (song)

“All News Is Bad News”

“Redemption and Rainbows” (song)

“More than a Husk”

“They’ll be Heaven-bound!”

“Two Unfortunate Souls”

“Conflicted”

“A World of Entertainment”

Episode 4 (UOST)

“Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel” (song)

“Hazbin Hotel”

“You’ll die of fun!”

“Clash of Authority”

“Hounds of Hell”

“Radios, Husk, and Angel Dust”

“Housekeeping!”

“I’ll Hold The Wine”

“You’re Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile!” (song)

“Seeds of Doubt”

“What next?”

“Resist” (song by Lilith)

“Hell Band”

“A Real Killjoy”

“Rumor Has It”

“There’s Some Sunshine In Everyone”

“Foreshadowing in the Shadows”

Episode 5 (UOST)

“Strip For a Tip”

“Over The Rainbow” (song)

“Preparation For Paradise”

“No Sinners Allowed”

“Angels of Death”

“I…Failed?”

“Parental Problems”

“Everyone Deserves A Chance!”

“Broken Dream”

“Rainbows Fade Away” (song)

“Apple Of My Eye”

“You’re Not Going Anywhere”

“Appeal For Deals”

“Are you Ready?” (song)

“Creole Lullaby” (song)

“I Trusted You!”

“Do We Have A Deal?”

“Vengeance Is Best Served Burning”

“This Means War”

“Your Darkest Thoughts”

Episode 6 (UOST)

“Alastor’s Choice”

“Souls Are Freed”

“Part of Him Is Gone”

“Final Battle”

Episode 7 (UOST)

“At The End Of The Rainbow”

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drabbleideas · 5 years ago

Text

Lyrics Prompt List

1. “The pictures that you sent me, they're still living in my phone, I admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone.” – [Amnesia – 5 Seconds of Summer]

2. “How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around? I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown.” – [Arms – Christina Perri]

3. “Can't find a reason for these feelings Clouding up above me Cause God—he told me Said he's gonna send me something lovely.” – [Around My Head – Cage the Elephant]

4. “You just want attention, you don't want my heart Maybe you just hate the thought of me with someone new Yeah, you just want attention, I knew from the start You're just making sure I'm never gettin' over you.” – [Attention – Charlie Puth]

5. “Another day, and I’m somewhere new I made a promise that I’ll come home soon Bring me back, bring me back to you.” – [Beside You – 5 Seconds of Summer]

6. “And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me, And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you! And this is who I am when, when I don't know myself anymore, And this is what I choose when it's all left up to me.” – [Breathe Into Me – RED]

7. “The rain is falling on my window pane But we are hiding in a safer place Under covers, staying dry and warm You give me feelings that I adore.” – [Bubbly – Colbie Caillat]

8. “I tell myself, 'cause every second like this feels like hell Are these words that you gave me real? I can't tell... It doesn't matter, 'cause nothing matters I'll see you again in a dream so far away...” – [Circles – YusukeKira]

9. “You are my getaway You are my favorite place We put the world away Yeah we're so disconnected.” – [Disconnected – 5 Seconds of Summer]

10. “It's all ending I gotta stop pretending who we are You and me I can see us dying, are we?” – [Don’t Speak – No Doubt]

11. “I want you for a lifetime So if you're gonna think twice, baby I don't wanna know, baby, I don't wanna know.” – [Don’t Think Twice – Utada Hikaru]

12. “You won't go lonely into this fight If you just hold me we will survive.” [Every Time the Rain Comes Down – Anna Blue]

13. “This is not what I intended I always swore to you I'd never fall apart You always thought that I was stronger I may have failed, but I have loved you from the start.” – [Fall For You – Secondhand Serenade]

14. “I won't wait for you forever, for you forever So, don't you say it's for the better, it's for the better 'Cause I can't take later than never, later than never No, I won't wait for you forever.” [For You Forever – Set It Off]

15. “So I drown it out like I always do Dancing through our house With the ghost of you.” – [Ghost of You – 5 Seconds of Summer]

16. “So I'll be waiting for the real thing I'll know it by the feeling The moment when we're meeting Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen.” – [Gotta Be Somebody – Nickelback]

17. “Why do you put me on a pedestal? I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below So help me down you've got it wrong, I don't belong there.” – [Halo – Haley James Scott]

18. “I don't care what people say when we're together You know I wanna be the one to hold you when you sleep I just want it to be you and I forever I know you wanna leave So c'mon baby be with me so happily.” – [Happily – One Direction]

19. “I might be selfish but I’ve given up on everything Your pain is my new drug And guess what, I am getting fuckin’ high.” – [Hurt you – Phedora]

20. “The world slows down But my heart beats fast right now I know this is the part Where the end starts.” – [I Hate This Part – The Pussycat Dolls]

21. “Love of mine, someday you will die But I'll be close behind and I'll follow you into the dark No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark.” – [I Will Follow You Into the Dark – Death Cab for Cutie]

22. “I warned myself that I shouldn't play with fire But I can tell that I'll do it one more time.” – [I Warned Myself – Charlie Puth]

23. “Is it wrong for me to not want half? I want all of you, all the strings attached.” – [If I Can’t Have you – Shawn Mendes]

24. “Keep telling me that it gets better Does it ever?” – [In My Blood – Shawn Mendes]

25. “Bask in the glory Of all our problems 'Cause we got the kind of love It takes to solve 'em.” – [Issues – Julia Michaels]

26. “You see her when you close your eyes Maybe one day you'll understand why Everything you touch surely dies.” – [Let Her Go – The Passengers]

27. “Our memories are just a kiss away I'm still in love with every word you say.” – [Like the Way I Do – Cascada]

28. “Well, my girl's in the next room Sometimes I wish she was you I guess we never really moved on.” – [Lips of an Angel – Hinder]

29. “Let’s raise a glass or two To all the things I’ve lost on you Tell me are they lost on you? Just that you could cut me loose After everything I’ve lost on you Is that lost on you?” – [Lost On You – LP]

30. “I still wear your t-shirt out All the ink is faded now I wonder who you're dreaming of tonight.” – [On Your Side – The Veronicas]

31.“The darkest night never felt so bright with you by my side.” – [Outer Space/Carry On – 5 Seconds of Summer]

32. “Don’t give up Don’t give in to fear Even when I’m gone I will still be here.” – [SOS – Elizaveta]

33. “You already know that you’re my weakness After all this time I’m just as nervous Every time you walk into the room I’m speechless.” – [Speechless – Dan + Shay]

34. “So say the word and I'll be running back to find you A thousand armies won't stop me I'll break through I'll soar the endless skies for only one sight Of your starlight.” – [Starlight – Starset]

35. “If You can calm the raging sea You can calm the storm in me You're never too far away You never show up too late.” – [Stars – Skillet]

36. “Some things just, some things just make sense And one of those is you and I.” [Still Into You – Paramore]

37. “I never needed anything from you And all I ever asked was for the truth You showed your tongue and it was forked in two Your venom was lethal, I almost believed you.” – [Take What You Want – Post Malone]

38. “Call me in the morning to apologize Every little lie gives me butterflies Something in the way you’re looking through my eyes Don’t know if I’m gonna make it out alive.” – [Teeth – 5 Seconds of Summer]

39. “I wish that I could take you to the stars I’d never let you fall and break your heart And if you wanna cry or fall apart I’ll be there to hold you.” – [Through the Dark – One Direction]

40. “All those crazy things we did Didn’t think about it, just went with it You’re always there, you’re everywhere But right now I wish you were here.” – [Wish You Were Here – Avril Lavigne]

41. “And when you come my heart will be waiting To make sure that you’re never alone There and then all my dreams will come true, dear There and then I will make you my own.” – [Moondance – Michael Bublé]

42. “With each word your tenderness grows Tearing my fears apart And that laugh that wrinkles your nose Touches my foolish heart.” – [The Way You Look Tonight – Michael Bublé]

43. “I’m sorry that I hurt you It’s something I must live with everyday And all the pain I put you through I wish I could take it all away.” – [The Reason – Hoobastank]

44. “All my life I thought it’d be hard to find The one ‘til I found you And I find it bittersweet ‘Cause you gave me something to lose.” – [Love Someone – Lukas Graham]

45. “I wouldn’t even know what love is If we never met.” – [If We Never Met – John Kricfalusi]

46. “I know we didn't end it like we're supposed to And now we get a bit tense I wonder if my mind just leaves out all the bad parts I know we didn't make sense.” – [What A Time – Julia Michaels]

47. “Would you rescue me? Would you get my back? Would you take my call when I start to crack? Would you rescue me?” – [Rescue Me – OneRepublic]

48. “And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes I fall into your arms I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around.” – [Someone You Loved – Lewis Capaldi]

49. “I'll reach my hands out in the dark And wait for yours to interlock I'll wait for you.” – [Don’t Give Up On Me – Andy Grammer]

50. “You're never gonna get it I'm a hazard to myself I'll break it to you easy This is hell, this is hell.” – [You Don’t Have to Dance – Andy Black]

#writing prompt #song prompt #lyric prompt #writing prompt list

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charliejrogers · 7 years ago

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Best of 2017

Below is my list of the 40 best movies of 2017. Why 40? Because that’s all the movies I saw. In full disclosure, I have a life and must attend school so I didn’t get to see every notable release this year, so if you’re wondering why Thor: Ragnorok, Coco, Mother!, Jumanji, Justice League, I Tonya, Disaster Arist, or Blade Runner aren’t on the list… it’s because I didn’t get to see them. And also in full disclosure, I did get to watch the first half of Battle of the Sexes but fell asleep for the second half. That fact is not indicative of that film’s quality - I was just really tired when I saw it - but it didn’t feel right rating a movie I’d only seen the first half of. So without further ado, here’s my list.

0.5/4.0 Stars

40 The Little Hours

1.5/4.0 Stars

39 Guardians of the Galaxy 2

2.0/4.0 Stars

38 Beauty & the Beast

37 Okja

2.5/4.0 Stars

36 The Trip to Spain

35 A Ghost Story

34 Kong: Skull Island

33 Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

32 Dunkirk

31 Logan Lucky

30 American Made

29 Lost City of Z

28 Phantom Thread

3.0/4.0 Stars

27 It

26 Lady Macbeth

25 Ingrid Goes West

24 Call Me By Your Name

23 Spider-Man: Homecoming

22 Detroit

21 Brad’s Status

20 Logan

19 Wind River

18 War for the Planet of the Apes

3.5/4.0 Stars

17 Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

16 The Meyerowitz Stories: New and Selected

15 Get Out

14 The Post

13 Wonder Woman

12 The Lego Batman Movie

11 Darkest Hour

10 The Beguiled

9 Mudbound

8 Shape of Water

4.0/4.0 Stars

7 Sanctuary

6 The Big Sick

5 The Florida Project

4 Baby Driver

3 Columbus

2 Good Time

1 Lady Bird

Do you disagree with the list? Well check out below to see my thoughts on each of the films.

40 The Little Hours

This movie is wholly terrible. It’s jokes include extended sequences of rape, sexual manipulation, and cruel beatings. Please don’t let the truly all-star cast fool you, this movie sucks.

Movies that had probably had some great scenes but were overall not satisfying: (1.5-2 stars)

39 Guardians of the Galaxy 2

The sophomore slump hit Star Lord & co. hard. Compared to the grand set pieces of the first film, the isolated focus on Quill and his father really hindered the fun, action-packed hi-jinks fans expected from the first film. The soundtrack almost single handedly prevented this from being an outright terrible movie.

38 Beauty & the Beast

It will be interesting in the long run to compare the quality of these live-action remakes to the animated originals. Jungle Book was great, but it helped that it’s source material was a superficial 60s musical with lots of room for expansion. Beauty & the Beast was heralded as a masterpiece back in 1991, even being nominated for an Oscar for best picture. Not best animated picture. BEST PICTURE. The Emma Watson version? Not so much. It’s boring.

37 Okja

Snowpiercer is an awesome movie. It’s perfectly paced world building combined beautifully with its creative action sequences (creative both in terms of plotting and in filming). The second English-language film from director Bong Joon-Ho? Nowhere as good. Maybe I’m too jaded… but I didn’t feel any real connection to the titular Beast (the hippo/cow named Okja) or the dangers it faced. And Tilda Swinton (who was fantastic in Snowpiercer) is too abrasive and, frankly, too odd to be taken seriously as a person. And that’s to say nothing of Jake Gyllenhal’s lunatic of a character. Skip it.

Just shy of being good, but are Solid movies.(2.5 stars)

36 The Trip to Spain

It’s kind of hard to fault Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon in any meaningful way, since anyone who has seen the first two movies in this trilogy knows exactly what to expect (and really, who but anyone who has seen the first two movies would see this?). They know to expect impressions of famous British actors by two very talented impression artists. They know to expect two actors playing irritatingly arrogant caricatures of themselves. And they know to expect a movie devoid of plot, purpose, and interesting dialogue. That said, you come for the impressions, and Coogan and Brydon will always deliver on those (Mick Jagger and David Bowie being my two favorite additions to the duo’s repertoire.) just don’t expect much else.

35 A Ghost Story

This whole movie seemed to walk the line between a solid indie movie and a parody of a self-important movie. The central gimmick of the film involves Casey Affleck spending the vast majority of the film under a white sheet following his character’s death as the character’s ghost continues to pine after a love lost. When the film focuses on the futility of grief (particular in scenes where Rooney Mara is involved), it is moving. When it tries to make larger philosophical statements about what it means to inhabit land, it gets silly.

34 Kong: Skull Island

I watched this movie hoping to see some cool action sequences of King Kong and dinosaurs. It delivered, though no dinosaurs, but “Skeleton Walkers”. Cool Vietnam War-era atmosphere. The Samuel L. Jackson character is so angry towards Kong as to defy logical sense and the plot is threadbare, but John C. Reilly does wonders when he enters the film midway for comic relief.

33 Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri

I wanted to like this movie more. I tried to like it more. It has so much going for it: A pair of knock out performances by Frances McDormand and Woody Harrelson, often fascinating and engaging dialogues and monologues a la the Coen Brothers, and an intriguing premise in a mother trying to discover her daughter’s murderer. It falls apart for me because many of the supporting characters are more caricature than people, especially the insufferable bigoted police officer played by Sam Rockwell. The film is far more interested in developing the character of this unwatchable man than in ever dealing with the McDormand character’s grief, and Harrelson exits the film far too early. There are individual scenes that shine, but the sum of the film’s parts falls flat.

32 Dunkirk

I like Christopher Nolan. I really do. That said, I haven’t liked anything that he’s done since 2010. Dark Knight Rises was bloated, and Interstellar somehow doubled down on the bloat. Dunkirk, while beautifully shot and containing some truly gripping looks at the brutality of war, just never clicked with me. I particularly found the film’s tripartite structure, jumping between three stories whose chronological length differed significantly, more distracting than revelatory.

31 Logan Lucky

Appropriately nicknamed “Seven Eleven,” Steven Soderberg’s first heist movie since the Ocean’s trilogy adapts the standard caper film tropes to a down-to-Earth, working-class West Virginia setting. It’s unclear throughout if Soderberg is mocking his blue collar characters’ way of life or celebrating it, and the humor, particularly in scenes between Channing Tatum and Adam Driver, never quite clicks. But Logan Lucky probably includes the most intelligent, clever, and fun-to-watch heist in any movie. Period. If only the movie were even half as smart and entertaining as the heist it is about.

30 American Made

Doug Liman, The Director of American Made, so badly and clearly wants people to confuse this film with something from the Scorsese catalog. But this is a poor man’s Wolf of Wall Street or Goodfellas. It tries to glorify and legitimize the life of a criminal, and it hits all the highlights. It’s loosely (very loosely) based on real life smuggler Barry Seal. There’s clever heists and crimes. Shady dealings. A big budget plane crash into a suburban neighborhood. And all of it is shot and directed with a fun, vivacious energy. The problem is that this film fails to hit the hard emotional punches. There’s no equivalent to Joe Pesce “getting made” or even a real sense of come-uppance that eventually hit Jordan Belford. There’s a montage in this movie of Tom Cruise scared to start his car due to fear it’s been rigged to explode. What could have been a tone-altering sequence for the film that would bestow a great deal of gravitas, is used for laughs. And that’s about all you need to know about this movie. It’s entertaining and probably worth watching, and Tom Cruise is as cocky as ever in the lead role, but there’s nothing under the surface.

29 Lost City of Z

The is the most action-less adventure story ever told. The life of British explorer Percy Fawcett (Charlie Hunnam) and his explorations through the South American Amazon plays out at about the speed of a turtle. I’m not gonna say I was ever bored, because I wasn’t, but I was kind of waiting the whole movie for something exciting to happen and it never does. The film makes being captured by natives look as routine as a DMV visit. The movie is divided into a few key locations. There’s Britain where Fawcett spends so little of his life and where his wife (Sienna Miller as a progressive woman railing against the monotony of housewifery) and children lives. There’s The Amazon, and there’s briefly France for Fawcett’s stint as an officer in WWI. As you’ll be unsurprised if you’ve glanced at my review of Wonder Woman below, that the WWI section was my favorite. Perhaps it’s my fault for expecting something more out action of this film, but I think it even fails on the grounds of what it tries to be: a character study. Fawcett’s character is so thinly drawn and his motivations so weak, that when his son (Tom Holland) calls him out on it it’s a breath of fresh air - but then his son and wife later validates his motivations and the movie makes him out to be an unqualified hero - a champion of viewing Natives as more than savages. Fawcett did incredible things in his life, sure, but I don’t think he’s any hero. I don’t know - the movie could have been better.

28 Phantom Thread

The first half of this movie I consider excitingly British-boring, like an episode of Downton Abbey or The Crown. High class British people of the past dealing with first world problems, if well acted, well costumed, and well written, will always be entertaining to me no matter if what’s at stake is who will marry whom or, in this case, whether a dress will be ready on time. But the first half of the movie particularly shines because Daniel Day-Lewis plays the stereotypical controlling genius who society forgives because he’s so brilliant to the T. He’s insufferable, petty, emotionally stunted, and a joy to watch. And the whole first half of the film builds to a moment where Lewis’ girlfriend, a meek waitress played by Vicky Krieps, calls him out on all his bullshit. In the midst of the #MeToo era, her speech railing against his dominating, controlling behavior feels entirely appropriate. And as an audience member you expect the movie to go in a certain direction in the second half… and it doesn’t. At the risk of spoilers I won’t say more, but your response to film’s plot in its second act will be the deciding factor about whether or not you enjoy this film. For me, I did not, which is a shame because I liked the first half so much.

Good, not great movies:(3 stars)

27 It

I have never seen the original It movie or read the book, but based on the infamous boat scene that circulated virally on YouTube and the premise of a killer ghost clown… I wasn’t too pumped to see It. I happily had my expectations reversed. It is perhaps unfair to say the movie borrows from Stranger Things since that show definitely borrows heavily from Stephen King, but it’s hard to deny the similarities between the two 1980s set stories of kids against a cosmic beast. It featured incredible performances from its teenaged cast, with Jaeden Lieberher truly shining as the lead, but overall the movie felt overly long and oddly enough lacking the tension required of a remarkable thriller. Plus, I had far too many questions leaving the theater about the nature of Pennywise and so on for it to qualify as having a completely coherent plot. But as far as coming of age movies disguised as horror movies go, when It focused on the kids and less on Pennywise it was entirely engrossing.

26 Lady Macbeth

Lady Macbeth was a fascinating little film out of the UK about the extents (often violent) one woman would go to achieve freedom in an incredibly oppressive patriarchy. At just 22 Florence Pugh turns in a masterful performance of a woman wracked with guilt but full of pride in her freedom. She’s at once both sympathetic and monstrous, and watching her go from one to the other is worthy of the film’s Shakespearean title. Only complaint was that the movie, despite being only 90 minutes still felt it dragged a little in places.

25 Ingrid Goes West

What an interesting movie. Aubrey Plaza still seems to be playing the same Aubrey Plaza character she’s played in literally everything she’s been in, but this time it’s different. Rather than accepting Plaza’s character’s usual eccentric behavior as just par for the course, in Ingrid Goes West, these same behaviors are frightening. Obsessive, sociopathic, paranoid. That is the character Aubrey Plaza plays as her Ingrid travels Westward with the inheritance from her mother’s demise to emulate and become Taylor Sloane - a wonderfully basic Elizabeth Olson - someone she found on Instagram - avocado toast and all. As a movie that tries to make a statement about the ill-effects of social media on society, the movie falls flat. But viewed in the line of movies like Taxi Driver, Nightcrawler, etc. that is, movies that present the inner workings of sociopaths, Ingrid Goes West is an admirable demonstration of what Travis Bickle would look like in 2017. Also, poor O’Shea Jackson Jr. All his character wanted was to talk about Batman - and instead Ingrid ruins his life. Sad!

24 Call Me By Your Name

I’ve struggled to rate this movie fairly. One the one hand, I found it kind of boring. I found what the characters and movie deemed a meaningful relationship between Elio and Oliver to be based on little more than the fact that both were open to male on male sex. Their dialogue was supposed to come off as playfully hostile and full of sexual tension, but i just saw Oliver, played by Hammer, playing hard to get a little too well. Maybe I just wasn’t picking up the signs, but to my eyes it never seemed like Oliver ever liked Elio. On the other hand, it was a beautifully shot movie, included a scene about IndoEuropean etymology, and another about Greek bronze sculpture. Plus, Michael Stuhlbarg’s heartbreaking speech towards the end (you know which one) almost single handedly prevents this from being rated lower on this list. Thus, I left the movie thinking a lot, which is always a sign that the movie had done something right. Particularly it raised questions about and shed light on the nature, often awkward, of coming out. And for that, I recognize the movie’s importance and beauty. But that doesn’t mean it was my favorite movie to watch this year.

23 Spider-Man: Homecoming

Now for something completely different. Spider-Man: Homecoming is the definition of a mindless, fun summer blockbuster. Tom Holland shines it what is essentially a high-school action movie. It had cool action sequences (Washington Monument) and laughs (thanks Martin Starr - perhaps the best person to to cast as a nerdy high school teacher - , the school’s PA announcements, and the film’s new Spider-Man sidekick… some kid named Ned). Plus the movie’s villainous twist was legitimately a surprise in the best way. That said, Michael Keaton’s Vulture had some questionably plausible motives, with the theme of forgetting about the working class feeling a bit cliche in this film. It’s a real issue, but the movie didn’t really treat it like one. Still, I can’t wait for Spider-Man: Prom as Marvel’s first take at a high school movie was a success, even if it did little to reinvent the wheel.

22 Detroit

Detroit is a movie that tests your endurance and tolerance for brutality. Based on the historical Algiers Motel incident during the contentious race riots in 1967 Detroit, the movie is less about the incident as it is director Katherine Bigelow’s recreation of the event itself. This movie is like if you pieced together all of the scenes from a recreation typically found in a true crime documentary, and then left out the documentary narrative piece. As a result, the movie has little nuance (besides a beautiful opening animating sequence detailing the Great Migration.) Instead viewers are “treated” to two hours of raw violence. It’s not entertaining, and it’s hardly art, but it is engrossing. It stretches the imagination that some people could be so cruel and that more could be so permissive of such cruelty seen here, but at the end of the day 3 black teens ended up dead and nine others beaten… so I can grant Katherine Bigelow some leeway in how the lead racist cop in her film is portrayed as being the devil incarnate. It’s a powerful movie - just not one you’ll want to watch again.

21 Brad’s Status

If your biggest fear is that you’ll never satisfy your life’s largest ambitions… Brad’s Status is the movie for you. Ben Stiller as Brad is a guy who by all measures has a fine life - a loving wife, comfortable job, and a smart kid… any complaint he has is, by definition, a first world problem… but when he sees his old college buddies go on to become uber-successful… well, anyone is bound to get jealous. The movie is a great look at the emptiness so many feel with the direction of their lives, and Ben Stiller as Brad is perfectly cast as an understandable neurotic. While the movie does a great job of setting up Brad’s dilemma over his lack of status, it perhaps “solves” the issue a little lazily. It turns out his “successful” friends? They’re all jerks, crooks, or unhappy… so again we learn that money corrupts… an answer which doesn’t entirely satisfy the audience… or Brad.

20 Logan

If Deadpool showed how an R-rated superhero could look if you think R-rated = potty-mouth… Logan decided to show us what R-rated means in terms of violence. The opening scene where our “hero” eviscerates some gangsters by the side of a desert road is phenomenally beautiful. And the movie remains as bleak throughout - as well as, perhaps surprisingly, very thoughtful. Every scene with Patrick Stewart was beautiful. Beautiful because of his performance, but also because of how smartly written and well-paced his character’s story unfolded. What do you do when a man who could bring the world to its knees with his mind… gets Alzheimer’s? That Stewart was not even in the discussion for an Oscar baffles me. I legitimately lose interest in the film the moment Stewart stops playing as big a role about ¾ of the way through. It’s still a good movie after that point, but the story of mutant kids revolting against their slave drivers holds less power and realism than the story of a powerful man coming to grips with his dementia.

19 Wind River

Hell or High Water was, for me, the surprise hit of 2016, and when I found out that writer Taylor Sheridan was both writing and directing this film I saw it as soon as I could. While the movie may drag in a few spots here and there, it’s a pretty powerful movie about grief. It shares many story beats with Three Billboards but frankly I think this film does a much, much better job of staying focused on what’s most important. No, not the moral awakening of some insufferably racist cop, but the injustice of a girl’s life being ripped away from her family. And, more importantly, the impact that has upon an already depressed community. I don’t know how many movies there are that highlight the ironic contemporary struggle of Native Americans to get by in what should be their own land, but i don’t think there are many others. And for that fact alone Wind River deserves to be seen. While I’ve thus far talked like this movies a masterpiece it’s not. It drags a bit, Jeremy Renner’s character is both a little boring and a little too unbelievably good at his job, and Elizabeth Olsen’s character is a little bit too unbelievably inept at hers. But Sheridan crafts scripts whose violence is so genuinely shocking (no doubt in one place due to a perfectly placed flashback towards the end of the film) that you actually drop your jaw. You’ve seen thousands of people get shot in movies, but never quite like here.

18 War for the Planet of the Apes

Of all the major blockbuster franchises to be churned out these days, few have had the boldness to be both entertaining and artful. The first 15 minutes of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes should be taught at all film schools as the prime example of world building without needing a single spoken word of dialogue. I think overall I liked the new War for the Planet of the Apes a little less than its predecessor, but still more than the reboot’s first entry, Rise of the Planet of the Apes. For starters, this is a long movie and it didn’t need to be so long. That said, it has some of the best symbolism and beautifully structured motifs of any major blockbuster out there. Caesar is at times a Christ figure, a new Moses, and a slave in revolt, and the movie does a fantastic job of never letting these themes lay on too thick. And for a movie about apes, most of the sympathy undoubtedly comes from Andy Serkis. He deserves some sort of award for his work as Caesar… his facial ticks say a million things and more. Combined with the cinematography of the icy blue winter fortress, it’s a beauty to behold. Had the movie been a little tighter, it could have been that much better, but as is there’s still much to enjoy.

Great, fucking movies:(3.5 stars)

17 Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

By far the most divisive film of 2017, The Last Jedi was… a fine film. Like for every illogical plot point, for every cringeworthily forced joke, for every time that Mark Hamil didn’t know how to act, for every unnecessary venture onto the casino Planet, for every time Leia was a force zombie… I still walked away from the movie feeling satisfied. The action was good and The plot included legitimate surprises. Rian Jonson is many things, but a poor plotter is not one of them. Plus I was just so attracted to the film’s overwhelming feeling of abject failure. Blockbusters are supposed to lift us up and give us hope… but this movie presented an interesting antithesis to all that, even more so than its spiritual predecessor Empire Strikes Back. This movie will and has already been picked apart to death… but I think if someone walked into this movie knowing little about the Jedi, the Force, or who shot first, they would find an entertaining blockbuster and that’s what I saw. Perhaps not the best Star Wars movie… but a fine film.

16 The Meyerowitz Stories: New and Selected

Adam Sandler can act? Who knew! I did! I’ve seen Click! Anyways, this was a very good movie all around. There are top notch performances from all of its leads, with a special shout out to the quiet Elizabeth Marvel and the terrifyingly unemotional Hoffman. The films plot focused on three adults’ differing relationships with their father (Dustin Hoffman) an overbearing father and aging sculptor who failed to achieve any success. The script is superb and beautifully crafted. The whole movie can be summed up in three scenes, with each scene showing a different of the three children running. In one, Sandler is running to catch up to his Dad, representing how his character always felt like he had to prove himself to his father. In another Stiller is running in front of his father, just as his character has tried to escape the overbearing smothering pressure of his father. And thirdly Marvel’s character runs from danger but her father plays no role - she unlike her brothers has managed to shed the shadow of her father. The movie has some missteps in failed jokes (Sandler’s daughter’s movies?) and is a little long which keep it from being an instant classic, but it’s very well done.

15 Get Out

The best horror movie In a decade isn’t much of a horror movie. There are few jump scares and there’s hardly a real enough sense of danger to raise the audience’s blood pressure. But as a drama that intends to say a thing or two about America’s racial issues, this is a damn good movie. The script is extremely well-crafted and the story’s mysteries unfold in such an organic way. You’ll have thought you have it all figured out at least 3 times before the truth is revealed, and the “truth” actually makes sense and appears unforced unlike the twists in many movies of this type. There’s an alternate ending to this film you can find online where Director Peele could have pushed this movie to make a stronger statement about race… I wish he had. He used a half-measure when he should have used a full measure. The movie as a whole can be a little slow at times… but the ending action sequence and the film’s tone and message throughout more than make up for it.

14 The Post

The best newspaper movies are those that are procedural. Films like Spotlight or All the President’s Men made you feel like you were part of the investigation, highlighting the excitement and importance of mundane tasks like combing through directories of priests or tracking down witnesses that ultimately lead to giant breakthroughs. The Post has none of this. The Pentagon Papers literally fall into the lap of the Washington Post and Nixon’s paranoia ensures that The Post will be the only paper with the opportunity to publish. So it’s not a newspaper movie in that it’s not about investigative journalism so much as about the people who run the newspapers and their commitment to the first amendment. As a result, it’s preachy and a little too on the nose for those of us bombarded daily with claims of fake news. That said, it’s still Spielberg so it’s incredibly well-crafted and entertaining and Meryl Streep is fantastic in drawing out the complexity of Kay Graham. And who doesn’t love seeing Bob Odenkirk and David Cross side by side?

13 Wonder Woman

The undersaturation of the movie market with movies about World War I is a shame. Compare it with World War II which has a minimum of 4 movies a year… always. But where WWII is so often portrayed as the heroic triumph of good over evil or dives into the heinousness of the Holocaust, rarely does it get the chance to just pause and question the brutality of war itself. World War I doesn’t have that problem. There was no Hitler, no Nazis, no Holocaust. Just rulers and treaties that led to the senseless loss of life. And it’s this that movies like Joyeux Noel, War Horse, and now Wonder Woman have captured beautifully. Yes, Wonder Woman is a movie about immortal beings and super heroes with lassos of truth… but at its root it’s about the disgusting fact that humans inflict mass pain on each other based on the lightest of pretenses. The movie has a villain… but humanity is the real evil. The plot was smartly put together, the scenery and costumes nail the period, and the budding romance between Chris Pine and Gal Gadot is a treat to watch. But it’s film’s depiction of the senselessness of war (embodied in Wonder Woman’s shell-shocked Scottish companion.) that really sold me. This movie was far more moving than it deserved to be for a silly super hero movie, but it deserves its praise.

12 The Lego Batman Movie

Perhaps this of all the choices on this list will be the one to not age well… but when I saw this movie I was thoroughly pleased. Not only was it an entertaining and funny beyond a “kid’s” film, it was a parodic love letter to the Caped Crusader. I did not see 2017’s Justice League… but I can safely say this is the best Batman movie since 2008’s Dark Knight. The whole plot of this Lego movie is in fact a direct play on a line of dialogue from The Dark Knight. There the Joker tells Batman, “You complete me,” a line which in its context embodies a central theme throughout Batman lore: does Batman exist because Gotham is full of criminals, or is Gotham full of criminals because Batman attracts them. Here though, the line is taken at face value in its pseudo-romantic sense - Joker pledges his “love” for Batman and here he gets denied. And the world hath seen no wrath as a Joker scorned. It’s a funny set-up that leads to a fun who’s-who of villains from across the Batverse and beyond. The film is anchored in the now-classic Lego movie sense of humor. Special props to Will Arnett’s arrogant, self-centered turn as the lead and to Michael Cera’s bubblingly boyish Dick Grayson/Robin. The two have a perfect comedic give and take. It’s as if the whole movie is a side project of Arrested Development with a young George Michael Bluth playing along with the delusional fantasies of his Uncle GOB. Tobias would of course be Mr. Freeze - he already blued himself.

11 Darkest Hour

Who was Winston Churchill? I’m still not quite sure. The movie presented him as a drunk, surely, but also scared, crude, abrasive, confused, a little Alzheimer’s-y at times… but the least I can say is that he deserved my respect by the end of the film and that’s what the movie wanted from me. Gary Oldman is amazing in this movie and other people could speak more eloquently about his performance. But he’s not alone and Ben Mendehlsson as King George and Stephen Dillane as the preposterously prissy Lord Halifax deserve special praise. Lily James as Churchill’s secretary does not though… her role was kinda pointless… But what really caught my eye about this movie is it’s beautiful cinematography. The movie plays with light and dark so well - fitting for its title. Plus the movie tells the story of the Dunkirk travesty from such an interesting perspective. The knowledge of Hitler’s ultimate intentions today make it difficult to swallow arguments of the past that peace might have been possible, but the film does a great job of establishing tension in a conflict where everyone in the audience knows the resolution. There are times when you wonder along with Churchill whether peace might be worth pursuing. However, if you, like me, enjoy getting your history from film, You’ll likely be saddened as i was to learn that the scene where Churchill goes into the Tube and talks to the common folk for inspiration was all made up for the movie… still, the scene’s pretty magical to watch. So everyone plays their roles to the T and the pictures are pretty. If that’s not enough for you, just watch this as an antidote to watching the lifeless Dunkirk. Ugh. Fuck Dunkirk.

10 The Beguiled

This is an extremely moody, brooding film that sticks with much you longer than you’d think. It’s really a short, little movie at only 94 minutes long, but director Sophia Coppola packs that time full of lust-filled intrigue and tension. If you ever wonders what happens when a house full of sexually repressed women in the 1860s encounters a wounded soldier who’s happy to “please”… the answer is not a lot of good. This is not a porno. If anything this movie takes a male fantasy and turns it into a nightmare. Elle Fanning, Kirsten Dunst, and Nicole Kidman play a fearfully tempting trio, each approaching the mysterious figure of Colin Farrell with their own motivations. Elle as a young woman exploring her sexuality, Kirsten as a woman sheltered for too long and yearns for the companionship, while Kidman as the older woman wants to feel love again… yet Colin cannot have all three and tries anyways… and the result is chilling and creepy reminder that you don’t mess with the heart of a woman. It’s Like Gone Girl in this sense, but better because this movie’s actually rewatchable and the perspective is entirely female-centric.

9 Mudbound

Somewhere online this movie is described as “literary in the best sense” and that’s about all you need to know about this movie. It’s a sprawling character-based epic that charts the lives of two families, one white, one black, whose lives continue to intersect while living in the 1940s rural South. Like much of the 19th c. and early 20th c. American literature, the big takeaway is that life in the country is miserable and prone to stagnation (a little stuck in the mud if you will). And Carey Mulligan’s role as a sophisticated woman forced into the staid life on the farm is practically a carbon copy of the main character in Willa Cather’s “Wagner Matinee” - and that’s a good thing. Mary J. Blige looks really cool with her sunglasses but also does a great job acting as the loving matriarch of her family - in fact the whole cast is pretty incredible. However the heart of the film is the friendship that forms between the veterans returning from WWII- one from each family. Garrett Hedlund and Jason Mitchell carry well the invisible wounds of war and the movie does a great job of highlighting the great injustice and indifference our society all too often places upon the plight of veterans - especially those who are also racial minorities. It’s a movie both reflective of its period’s morals, and a reminder of how close in time we are to some of our nation’s worst racially-based hate crimes.

8 Shape of Water

Love comes in all shapes and sizes - a theme Hollywood has pushed on us for decades. But here the trite fairy tale truism is made fresh… precisely because director Guillermo del Toro does not hide the fact that his Shape of Water - though a movie for adults with rather graphic violence and sex - is a fairy tale. Its love is both unbelievable and beautiful. The film tries to say something about the civil rights movement and oppression in its portrayal of the stigmatized relationship between woman and fish monster… but I personally found those parallels a bit wonky. The film works best as a simple story devoid of overt politics. Few scenes this year are as heartwarming as two rain droplets dancing on the side of a bus window as it races through the night or a dance scene between a fish monster and a woman filmed in the black and white style of the grand musicals of Old Hollywood. The movie includes a heist (the best!), Communist intrigue, comedy, and an amazing villain in Michael Shannon. That guy’s face is made to be evil. Sally Hawkins, Octavia Spencer, Michael Stuhlbarg, Richard Jenkins round out a superbly talented cast and the movie is a joy to watch. It was clear this was a work of love for delToro and though it’s not my favorite movie this year it deserves all the praise it gets. It’s a technical and moving marvel

Fantastic films (4 stars)

7 Sanctuary

Of all the movies on this list, I’m gonna bet this is the one you’ve never heard of. I’d never heard of it either. It was an accidental find hidden deep in the Hulu catalog which only attracted my roommate’s and my attentions because it was recently voted the best film in Ireland for 2017 according to some Irish critic’s circle. It was never even released in America. I like Irish film, and I loved this movie. It’s an ambitious project - at least by modern standards. A movie about people with intellectual disabilities, whose cast is mostly filled with people with intellectual disabilities, including like 4 people with Downs Syndrome. It’s part comedy, part rom-com, part romantic-drama, and throughout a tragedy. The movie struggles to find a fine line between viewing it’s largely adult cast of people with intellectual disabilities as people who need to be watched after and people who deserve independence and freedom. And that is not a fault of the movie… in real life finding that balance is hard. The movie has you laughing one moment, crying the other, but at all times forcing this viewer at least to challenge his perceptions of those with intellectual disabilities. It’s a powerful movie, an entertaining one, and one which I think all should see.

6 The Big Sick

Yes, this movie may have committed the worst of comedy movie sins - putting the best joke (the one about 9/11) in the trailer - but that doesn’t stop The Big Sick and it’s plot from surprising. I won’t spoil the plot because it’s best experienced first hand - but one thing I wish I knew going in is that this is fairly closely based on Kumail Nanjiani’s real life, who wrote the film with his wife Emily V. Gordon. I say this because when I first saw this my complaint was that the plot seemed too unbelievable and were this a purely fictional tale I’d be right - but truth is stranger than fiction. The movie has many thematic parallels with the second episode of Aziz Ansari’s Master of None in that the film presents the real pressures faced by children of immigrants to balance wanting to live a “normal” American life without seeming ungrateful or unappreciative of your parents’ culture and the sacrifices they have made to give their kids a better life. Kumail’s mother may be the “villain” from a plotting perspective, but the film is more nuanced than to portray her as heartless. In fact, the incredible love of a parent for their child is palpable throughout, and Ray Romano and Holly Hunter do wonders portraying a couple who though strained will unite to do anything for their daughter. Like life, the characters are realistic, the conflicts have no easy resolution, and it’s equal parts comical and emotional.

5 The Florida Project

Probably one of the best compliments I can bestow upon any piece of art is, “It reminds me of The Wire.” Yes, I am one of those people… deal with it. But what that to me means, is that this particular work of art manages to present an important social problem in a way that has no clear heroes or villains. Rather, it presents real, flawed humans dealing with a terribly shitty social construct. Here, the social construct is poverty - severe, depressing poverty. What are you supposed to do if you have no money, no home, no hopes for the future? You scam, you prostitute, you lie, you do anything to get by. But the characters in the Florida Project aren’t Robin Hoods or Aladdins - lovable thieves. No, they are often ugly people. This is a movie largely about “white trash” America - or rather people we cast aside without a second thought as white trash. However, what makes this movie so brilliant is that it grounds its message in the perspective of a child. Brooklyn Prince is damn near perfect in her role as the six year-old Moonee, the daughter of the aforementioned lying, scamming, destitute woman. By framing the move from Moonee’s view, director Sean Baker allows the movie to be at one moment light-hearted and the next moment heartbreaking. Like The Wire this movie deserves to be taught in any sociology class alongside any textbook. It’s an insightful look at the way the other half lives that’s full of empathetic humanity without providing its characters forgiveness carte blanche. And as entertainment it’s riveting.

4 Baby Driver

I am confident that this movie will not be as good on a second pass, as it’s more of a roller coaster adrenaline rush than artful film, and once you know all the twists and turns the fun will surely be lessened. But that doesn’t stop the first ride through the life of a bank-robbing getaway driver with a heart from being a hell of a good time. Like Patrick Stewart’s snub for Logan, I am legitimately surprised that there was never ANY talk of best director in the cards for Edgar Wright - though it’s probably a little more accurate to call him a choreographer than director as Baby Driver is, for all intents and purposes, an extended music video. Like Wright’s previous work in the Cornetto trilogy, the soundtrack is an eclectic mix of deep tracks from the mainly 60s/70s, but here the music does more than provide a backdrop to the action; it reflects and informs the action. Car chases are coordinated so that the best parts match musical crescendos. Take for example the foot chase towards to the end of the film set perfectly to Hocus Pocus’s “Focus.” The song alternates between a rocking guitar riff and a yodeling breakdown, and Wright appropriately sets the Chase parts to the guitar part and parts where Baby has to hide to the yodel. But calling it a music video perhaps robs the movie of the fact that it created an interesting cast of characters. Yes, it stars Kevin Spacey… but he’s creepy in this movie so at least art reflects life. But more of interest are Jamie Foxx and Jon Hamm as two of Baby’s slightly unhinged compatriots in bank robbing. Ansel Elgort in the title role carries enough charm and heart to capture audiences, and Lily James as the Southern beauty with the heart of gold is just grungy enough to be the perfect match for Baby’s criminal nature. Few movies have ever been this fun to watch with incredibly coordinated car chases, and the plot carries enough twists and turns to keep audiences on their toes.

3 Columbus

This movie is one of those movies where I can’t really put into words why I liked it. The most obvious reason is the movie’s scenery. Set entirely in the small town of Columbus, IN, a real town renowned across the world for its collection of buildings made in the modernist style. The town is shot beautifully and even if the movie weren’t good otherwise, it’d be worth a glance for the pictures. However, the plot is good. It’s a two-for-one with two of my favorite themes. One plot deals with the coming of age of a teenaged girl who’s too smart to get stuck in a dead end town. The other deals with a son comings to terms with his troubled relationship with his father. As I said, the movie is slow and I won’t claim to fully believe that in real life a relationship would have formed between the two main characters - it’s a little forced. But the emotions of the movie are undeniably real and it never feels like melodrama. This is one of the few movies where upon watching I immediately wanted to watch it again.

2 Good Time

Unlike Columbus, I was happy when Good Time ended and did not want to watch it again. It’s not because it’s a bad movie - far from it. But it paints such an ugly, depressing, and frankly terrifyingly real view of humanity that you’re happy when it’s finally over. This is film at its most linear (aside from one notable flashback that ranks among the best flashbacks of all time) and that’s not a complaint. The film’s runs quickly from start to finish like a bullet. The story is one of survival, as Robert Pattinson’s Nicky tries to free his accomplice and brother from custody while avoiding the cops himself following a botched bank robbery. This is not a light hearted bank heist movie like the Oceans movies, Baby Driver, or the like. While Nicky’s attempts to evade detection are certainly clever, as the movie continues you find you aren’t rooting for the protagonist - I wasn’t at least. The movie plays with the idea that the cat & mouse trope so popular in literature is far from fun in real life. It’s a hell of an adrenaline rush, Robert Pattinson gives - i think - one of the best performances of the year, and the plot is damn near perfect - not a second is wasted.

1 Lady Bird

The amount a movie makes me cry sits in direct proportion to how much i enjoyed the film (Interstellar being the big exception). At the end of Lady Bird I was awash in tears. The movie depicts with such a razor-sharp accuracy just how hard being in a family can be. Just how contradictory it can be. How is it that you can hate what your mother does, says, and stands for, and still love her? How is it that you can be so relieved to send your daughter off to college and out of your hair but also cry the entire way home? The taut relationship between Lady Bird and her mother (played extraordinarily by Saorsie Ronan and Laurie Metcalf) is without a doubt the cornerstone upon which Greta Gerwig built her semi-autobiographical story. And in a world filled with nuanced stories of miscommunication between fathers and sons, it was so incredibly refreshing to see the mother-daughter relationship explored with the same respect. The key? Neither character is flawless. Yes Lady Bird is our protagonist, but she’s just a teen. The movie can not help but remind us that for all of her confidence and sophistication there’s just so much to this world she doesn’t understand. We see her engage in doomed sexual relationships, get into petty spats with her best friend, and generally just act immaturely. And her mother is no saint either. Yes, she undoubtedly makes great sacrifices for her daughter and her whole family. She is patient and loving with her husband who suffers from depression and struggles to find work. But she also has no interest in learning about her daughter - her thoughts, her feelings. She embodies the mantra “cruel to be kind” yet it’s sometimes hard to see when the kindness kicks in. The movie is honest, it’s funny, and at times heartbreaking. It’s the best movie I’ve seen since Boyhood in terms of showing what life in America is really like, and it’s a gem of a movie deserved to be seen by all.

#Oscars #bestof2017 #Movies #Lady Bird

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clary-jace · 8 years ago

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sign of the times (a riley matthews fic)

But she swallows the tightness in her throat, forces a small smile on her face and hangs up the graduation picture of her and her friends above her desk. Her heart tugs as she thinks of them all, scattered across the country. All off to find their own destinies. Her fingers ghost over her ribcage, the galaxy etched into her skin burning at the thought of them all. The pride that she often feels when she thinks of her friends comes crashing onto her like an ocean wave.

She ignores the bitter feeling of loneliness that follows it only moments later.

Chapter: 1 (Girl Meets New Beginnings) Ships: Riley/Lucas (main romantic pairing), platonic Riley/Clique Six, Riley/Charlie, Riley/Dave & Riley/Asher Word Count: 11k+

Notes: Well here it is friends, the first chapter of what will hopefully become my best work yet. I’m so excited for this fic and everything I plan to do with it and I hope you guys are excited too. Special shout out, as always to @friarlucas for editing and overall supporting this endeavor. Please enjoy and let me know what you think! Also, this fic takes place in the same canon verse as Maggie’s “Gravity on the Open Road” fic, you don’t need to read that fic to understand this one, although I highly recommend it, because it’s a wonderful fic!

Riley enters college under the complete and total assumption that she’s going to love it. She has no reason to think otherwise, especially after bidding all of her friends goodbye on their road trip across the country, and their wide-eyed and blinding smiles burned in her memory forever. They were all excited for the next chapter in their lives, and she was too. Of course she was nervous, but those nerves were overshadowed by something stronger, an anticipation and excitement of things to come.

So when she drudges across the main lawn of New York University, her backpack on her shoulder and duffle bag in hand, her parents bickering behind her and her younger brother by her side, a smile finds its way across her face. Things are going to be different -- no friends, no Lucas, no dad as her teacher, but she has faith that it will be a good different.

Her room is a cramped double in the third floor corner of the largest freshman dorm, and her roommate merely nods at her when she first enters. While this dampens her spirits momentarily, she catches a glimpse of the New York streets below her window and realizes that things aren’t all bad. She’s Riley after all, always finding the good in otherwise unsatisfactory situations.

She won’t lie and say the less than pleasant living arrangements she finds herself in makes the goodbye she bids to her family hurt any less, but she plasters on her ever-present Riley Matthews smile and knows that things will get better in time.

Her roommate, as she learns over the next couple of hours is named Hannah, is a chemistry major and is not in college to make friends. That stings a little and Riley’s childish dream of being best friends (as best of friends as one can be with her true best friend across the country in California) with her college roommate immediately crumbles around her in a cloud of dust.

She ignores the bitter feeling of loneliness that follows it only moments later.

…

It doesn’t take long for Riley to realize that college is much more difficult than high school ever prepared her for. By mid-September she already feels like she’s drowning in papers and exams and study sessions and she hardly feels like she has time to breath let alone do the mountains of homework she has every night.

“I just never expected it to be this hard, especially so early on,” she muses one day, stabbing a cherry tomato with her plastic fork.

“I guess they’re trying to weed out the weak,” Asher Garcia says with a small smirk on his face as they make eye contact across the table.

It was honestly a blessing in disguise that one of Lucas’ childhood best friends was attending NYU alongside her. Not only did it give her the comfort of having a familiar face around, but he reminded her so much of Lucas that spending time with him made the pain of the actual Lucas being 1,500 miles away in Austin dull, even if only for a couple of hours.

She laughed lightly, shaking her head as she popped a crouton into her mouth and considered his words. “You might have a point, but why are they trying to weed out the weak? Shouldn't they want everyone to succeed?”

“Maybe, or maybe they’re just trying to get you to drop out.” She gasps, tossing her balled up napkin at him, laughing when it hits him right in the eye. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding, don’t kill me please.”

“Oh, like I could ever kill you.”

“I know that you could. Lucas told me once that you were like, freakishly strong,” Asher teases, flicking a stray french fry at her across the table. “But seriously, I wouldn’t worry too much about it, I think this is all just so hard because we’re not used to it. This place is different than high school, we just need to learn the ways.”

They share a smile, and Riley realizes that she’s very very lucky to know Asher Garcia.

…

“How was your week?”

Riley sighs softly, leaning her elbows forward on her desk as she looks at her boyfriend through the low quality webcam on her laptop. It was Friday night and her roommate was gone, leaving Riley to inhabit their small, lifeless room alone. Fall break was right around the corner and Riley was desperate for it. Despite the pep talk from Asher a couple of weeks ago, things had yet to really get any easier.

“It was alright, my biology class dissected a squid the other day in lab. Which, if I never have to do anything like that again, I’ll be a very happy camper.” She blanched, shivering when she thought back to the unsettling feeling in her stomach during her lab period.

“Looks like science is off the table then?”

Lucas’s quiet laughter caused her to smile lightly, and she met his gaze through the camera. The softness of his eyes brought a flutter to her stomach, and it amazed her that even miles and miles away he still had this kind of effect on her.

“Yeah, looks like it.”

She gave another small sigh, propping her chin on her hands. Her eyes fall from Lucas’s face to the graded essay sitting on the desk next to her.

Science wasn’t the only thing that seemed off the table, if the glaring D staring back at her from her economics paper was any indication. She knew from her experience at Abigail Adams that getting a D on one paper didn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things, but it just felt like her entire life was a D these days.

“Don’t get too discouraged though, I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually. You really like your English class, don’t you?”

She appreciated that he was helping her through this. One of the most frustrating things hindering her college experience was that she still really had no idea what she wanted to actually major in. All of her friends had their dreams and lives seemingly planned out, or at least had a blueprint for their future, while she was staring at a blank piece of paper willing for a plan to map itself out in front of her.

“Yeah, the professor is really great and I’ve enjoyed every paper I’ve had to write for her, but I don’t know if I want to be an English major.” The slight frustration was evident in her tone and she mentally chastised herself for bringing the mood down in her and Lucas’s conversation. She was sure that he had better things to focus on than his indecisive girlfriend’s struggle to determine her major.

“You don’t have to have it all figured out now, Riley. Freshman year has barely started. You have plenty of time to find your dream.”

Riley resisted the urge to playfully scoff at him. Talk like that was easy for him to say. It was just frustrating. She was spending her first semester taking a wide variety of classes trying to find something, anything, that inspired her or spoke to her.

So far, she had come up empty handed.

“Alright mister ‘I’ve wanted to be a veterinarian since I was twelve years old.’ I know I have plenty of time it’s just... frustrating. You, Maya, Zay, Farkle and Smackle all know what you want to do, and I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of the woods without a map.” Frowning slightly, she shook her head, determined to switch around the conversation before it got any more serious. It’s not that she didn’t think Lucas would be able to help her, she just didn’t want him feeling like he had to.

She could figure this out on her own, there was no need to saddle him with her woes. “But enough about me, I want to here about this buddy program you were talking about!”

Riley briefly saw a glimmer or something in Lucas’s eye, like he knew that she was trying to take the focus off of her and change the subject. But he didn’t push her. Instead, he launched into talking about the program he was thinking about joining, a soft, easy smile on his face. A far cry from the one that she constantly found on his features during high school. It made her happy to see him doing so well in his new environment.

Maybe it did him good to be away from New York.

Despite the uneasiness that was still sitting in her stomach, she managed to push it away, focusing instead on Lucas. Turns out that even across the country, when the two of them are together, the rest of the world fades away.

…

When fall break finally arrives, Riley is eager to get off campus. She finishes up her Friday morning math class, immediately packs her bag and is out the door before her roommate returns from her morning seminar.

It’s a weird shift from when she first arrived only a couple months ago full of excitement and anticipation for a new adventure. That weird feeling that had been coming and going within her for weeks now seems to have settled in for the long haul and while she doesn’t quite have the words to explain, she’s not a fan of it.

It doesn’t take her long to realize that she’s the only one of her friends who doesn’t have something exciting planned for the long weekend. A few clicks on social media, a text from Maya and a phone call from Lucas earlier in the week informs her that all of her friends are either going somewhere with new friends, working on exciting new projects, or in Lucas’ case, going on a fishing trip with his grandfather. Even Asher has plans to travel to New Jersey with his roommate.

The whole situation gives Riley a strange sensation -- on one hand, she’s thrilled that all of her favorite people will be busy and happy, but on the other she can’t help but feel like an outsider, seeing as her plans to catch up on sleep pales in comparison.

“Hi sweetheart!” Riley’s surprised to find her mother home when she pushes open the door to her family’s apartment, but accepts the warm hug without hesitation. “I didn’t know when we should expect you, I thought for a minute I might have to go down to campus and drag you home.”

Riley forces a laugh against her mother’s shoulder, afraid to admit that she had practically sprinted to the nearest subway stop, trying to formulate a way to stay home the longest possible time that she could. She didn’t want her parents to think she was unhappy, because that really wasn’t the case, she just was desperate for the time at home. Besides, she didn’t need her parents worrying about things that didn’t require their concern.

“I only had one class today and I thought it might be a nice surprise if I was home when Auggie got home,” she says with a sincere smile, removing herself from Topanga’s arms and moving to take her coat off.

“Well, I’m sure he’ll be very surprised to see you.” Topanga winks at her before moving into the kitchen where she had been preparing a salad. Riley takes a glance at the food and is unsurprised when she realizes she didn’t eat breakfast that morning. She had quickly realized that the NYU dining hall was far from her favorite place to be, unless she knew Asher was going to be there. What she doesn’t expect is that hunger doesn’t settle in her stomach, if anything the food looks unappetizing to her and she would much rather take a nap than anything else. “I think I made enough of this for the two of us, you want some?”

“Uh, no thanks. I think I’m just gonna go and lay down if that’s alright. I had a big breakfast so I think I’ll just eat when Auggie gets home.” Riley forces a small smile, wanting nothing more than just to go and collapse in her familiar, comfortable bed.

“Sure thing, sweetheart. Just make sure you eat later,” Topanga says with a smile, allowing Riley to grab her bag and escape the living area without any more questions. Once Riley is in the safety of her bedroom, she lets out the breath she wasn’t aware she was holding and immediately falls onto her bed.

It’s once she’s in the comfort of her childhood bedroom and her warm and safe bed, she realizes just how tired she really is and it’s only moments later when her eyes fall closed.

....

She doesn’t know how long she’s asleep, but when she wakes the sun has fallen behind the horizon and she can hear her parents and younger brother chatting outside her door in the dining area. She can vaguely smell pasta and realizes that her family is eating without her. That stings, but she figures that they’ve been living without her for almost two whole months, she can’t blame them for not realizing she’s there. It’s certainly not something she’s going to make a big deal about.

Swallowing the weird lump in her throat, she slowly opens the door of her bedroom and pads down the hallway to the kitchen, immediately catching the attention of Auggie.

“Riley!” he exclaims, and it amazes her that he’s nearly thirteen and still gets excited to see her. That’s something that she hopes never changes no matter how old they both grow. Auggie eagerly jumps from his chair and wraps his arms around her, and Riley tries to ignore the weird tears that pool in the corner of her eyes.

“Oh my goodness, sweetheart, I completely forgot that you were here!” her mother exclaims. “You were being so quiet and we’ve gotten so used to it being just the three of us, I didn’t think any of it.”

Cory merely smiles at her, standing from his chair to embrace her as well. Riley tries to ignore the sting that leaves on her heart, instead focusing on her father’s arms tightly around her shoulders.

“I missed you, honey.” He whispers into her hair and those weird tears become heavier in her eyes. Once he pulls away from her, she takes a deep breath and gives her entire family a smile, sitting down in her usual seat across from her mother. Moments later Auggie is putting an empty plate down in front of her, and she gives him a grateful smile.

She’s vaguely aware of the dull ache in her stomach at the lack of food she had consumed that day, but her appetite is still off on another planet and even though she takes some spaghetti and a piece of bread from the middle of the table, she can’t bring herself to eat it.

“So, Riley, how are classes going?” her father asks, giving her a smile. She picks up her fork and begins to spin the pasta around, returning her father’s grin.

“They’re alright,” she lies, pushing away the image of her low economics grades and her botched biology exam and instead focusing on her English professor’s compliment of her work just the other day. “I really love my English class.”

There’s a heavy beat of silence and Riley can tell that her parents are waiting for her to say something else, but any lies that she tries to tell die before they can make it out of her mouth. She would rather just force a smile then make her parents think that there’s anything to worry about. The last thing she wants is for them to think that she’s falling behind, and she knows she can get her grades up by the end of the semester and there will be nothing for them to worry about.

“What about your friends? Any of them doing anything exciting over break?” Topanga asks, and Riley gulps. This is the question she was most dreading and she immediately feels a weird claminess in her hands and her throat tightens as she tries to formulate a response.

Because, despite her efforts, Riley had yet to make any real friends at NYU.

Sure, there were kids like Dave and Sarah, who she knew from high school, the former sharing math class with her, but they hardly spent any time together and mostly just nodded at each other if they passed each other on the green. She tried reaching out to kids in her classes, but had yet to find someone who actually wanted to be friends with her, the memory of her biology lab partner practically rolling her eyes when Riley suggested they have dinner together in the dining hall was going to take some time to recover from. Not to mention that her and her roommate had still yet to speak more than four words to each other at a time.

Instead, she decided to just tell her parents about Asher. He was her only real friend at NYU, anyways. “Um, I’m not sure, I know Asher is going with his roommate to New Jersey. He’s never really been to the east coast, so he’s excited.” She said, an easy smile falling upon her face. “I think my roommate mentioned that she was hanging around on campus.”

Her parents merely nod and smile at her, moving the conversation to the new batch of freshman that Cory has at Abigail Adams next year, with Auggie occasionally jumping in to muse about Ava and the woes of the 7th grade.

Riley feels her face become hot as she realizes how well they all seem to move around her. She feels like she’s an outsider in her own family, like she’s watching a movie about the perfect Matthews family of three. She drowns the salty feeling of tears in the back of her throat with spaghetti, barely tasting it as she shoves into her mouth. No one in her family notices.

Later that night, she’s desperate for the relief of sleep, not caring when she wakes up the next morning. She can’t seem to shake the day’s events and she just wants to leave it all behind, hoping that the next day, that strange feeling is gone.

Slipping on Lucas’s Brooklyn sweatshirt, which she seems to be wearing more and more frequently, she crawls into bed and flicks the light off. Her eyes fall closed as soon as her head hits the pillow.

…

The rest of the weekend passes in a blur. She spends one day in the park with Auggie, tossing a frisbee and listening to him ramble about how complicated middle school relationships are. She’s unable to not think back to falling into a stranger’s lap on the subway and library conversations that all seem like a distant memory that brings a smile to her face. But most of her break is spent holed up in her room.

She talks to Maya on the phone one night, smiling when she can practically hear her best friend’s smile through the phone. She misses Maya more and more every day, but she can’t deny that she doesn’t think she’s ever heard Maya happier, which seems to be a recurring theme that stings Riley’s heart more than she’s willing to admit.

She doesn’t bring up any of her own woes to Maya, not wanting to shake her best friend’s happiness, she knows that if she expresses any kind of sadness that Maya would be there for her in a heartbeat, but she doesn’t want to do that to her. Maya doesn’t deserve to be knocked down by Riley’s raincloud, not when she’s creating her own sunshine.

When her mother brings her back to her dorm room the final day of break, Riley hugs her, less enthusiastically than she did in August, still not feeling at home in her dorm, but feeling less at home in her own home than she ever has. It doesn’t take her long to realize that the reason no place feels like home anymore, her home is scattered around the country, her heart and soul residing in Texas and California.

Settling back on her bed, she vaguely wonders when Hannah will return, or if she left campus at all. All Riley knows is that for now she’s alone, a familiar sensation as of late. Her ponders however are interrupted when her phone vibrates next to her on the bed, the name flashing across the screen bringing a wide grin to her face.

Lucas Friar ♥: Sorry for being MIA over the weekend. There was zero service where we were. I promise that we’ll talk tomorrow once I’m back at school. Hope you had a good break.

Attached to the message from her boyfriend is a picture of Lucas and his childhood best friend Dylan, their arms around each other and smiles gracing both of their faces as they showed their fish off to the camera.

The picture brings a wide grin to her own face, Lucas’ smile had always made her feel a certain feeling that she had realized as a young sophomore in high school could only be described as love. But a moment later, she felt her vision blur and the stupid tears were back in her eyes and she desperately tried to shake them away.

Sending back a quick message telling him that she’s glad he had a good time and she’s looking forward to talk to him tomorrow, she sinks into her pillows, suddenly feeling tired and like she could go to bed, despite the early hour and the sun still peaking out over the horizon.

Her heart feels heavy and there are tears still prickling in the corner of her eyes, but instead of wiping them away, she merely feels her eyes close, sleep overtaking her, and she doesn’t have the energy to push it away.

…

By the time Halloween rolls around, Riley feels like she’s stranded in the middle of the ocean without a life raft or a paddle and in minutes away from drowning. She barely registers that the holiday has arrived, as she hasn’t been paying much attention to the days, only knowing what classes she’s supposed to be going to at what time of day and how many times a week she’s going.

So when Halloween, this year falling on a Friday much to the delight of the entire NYU campus, arrives, Riley is taking aback. It says a lot about how tired and out of it she truly is when she doesn’t notice people wearing costumes in her morning class, and only finds out about the holiday when Asher mentions it in the dining hall at lunch.

“Alright, so I was thinking that we could maybe hit up this party that a guy in my bio class this morning was talking about. I know you don’t like parties, but I think it’ll be fun and it’s Halloween. We don’t have to stay that long, just like an hour and you don’t even have to wear a costume.” It takes Riley a moment to register what Asher is saying, as she’s too busy staring at the plate of food in front of her, but she snaps out of her daze when she hears the word ‘party.’

“I don’t know...I never even went to parties in high school, I really doubt a college party is going to be anything close to my kind of scene.” She nonchalantly shrugs her shoulders, desperate for him to let this one slide. Riley really enjoys having Asher around, but she knows that he’s been far more successful at making friends than she has, and that going to a party could very well result in her spending the entire evening standing by herself while college students get drunk around her.

“Come on Riley, it might be fun.” Asher prodes, knocking her hands with his. She smiles slightly at him, knowing that his intentions are nothing short of genuine, but she just, really can’t bring herself to be excited about it. She had really been banking on spending her friday night curled up in her dorm room, doing absolutely nothing.

“Parties really aren’t my thing, besides, I’ve never been the biggest fan of Halloween.” She says, shrugging again, that was a lie if she had ever told one. Halloween was always her favorite holiday after Christmas, but now that she didn’t have anyone to really celebrate it with, she didn’t really want to spend it with other people.

“I don’t believe you, but I respect that you don’t want to go. Parties aren’t for everyone.” Asher said, dropping the subject with a small shrug. Riley was relieved, but there was still a weird pit settling itself in her stomach.

They spent the rest of the meal in casual conversation, most of being led by Asher, who launched into a story about his psychology professor, and the whole talk of the party seemed to fade away. Riley continued to just pick at her food though, the weird feeling not going away and pushing away any appetite that she might have had, not that she had much of one to begin with.

Ultimately Riley didn’t do anything for Halloween. That night, after classes were done and her roommate had departed for whatever reason, she crawled into her bed and determined that she wasn’t going to be going anywhere until she absolutely had to. Lucas had texted her earlier that day asking about her plans, telling her that he was hanging out with his roommate and some of his friends. At the time she had lied and told him that she was hanging out with a couple girls on her floor, and had no plans to tell him any differently.

The last thing she needed was Lucas cancelling on his friends to talk to her, which she knows he would do if he found out she was spending her second favorite holiday alone.

So, she ignores the phone call from Maya that she gets, the texts from Asher and the facetime request from Farkle, deciding to turn her phone off, giving the guise of being too busy to respond to any of their messages.

Instead, she pulls out her laptop, opens up the first episode of Red Planet Diaries, deciding a rewatch is the best way to spend her Halloween, pushing away the weird aching feeling in her heart and the quesiness in her stomach. A ghost of a smile plays on her face as the theme song echoes through her empty dorm, and she blinks away the weird tears that are prickling in the corner of her eyes.

She’s okay. She swears.

…

“Ms. Matthews, sorry to keep you waiting, please come in.” Riley’s stomach was in knots as she stood from her chair and gave her professor nervous smile. When she had received the email earlier in the week about wanting to meet with her, Riley had a strange feeling she knew exactly what this meeting was about.

Her economics professor was a kind woman, Dr. Ryland, who looked like she could be someone’s grandmother. In fact with the way her eyes seemed to almost sparkle, and the sincerity behind her smile, she almost reminded Riley of the photos she had seen lining the walls of Lucas’ grandfather’s house of his grandmother, Mabel.

Following her professor into the small, but homey, office, Riley couldn��t help but knot her hands together at her stomach. Taking a seat in the chair across from Dr. Ryland, Riley’s stomach lurched, and she gulped down the bile that was running up the back of her throat. She was so mad at herself for letting this happen, she knew that she shouldn’t have done it, but she couldn’t help it and now she was paying the price.

“Ms. Matthews, I can see that look on your face and I want to assure you that you are in no way in trouble for anything. I know that you probably think that you are, but you’re not. Don’t worry.” That did little to settle Riley’s stomach and she only continued to future knot her fingers together, ignoring the jolts of pain running up and down the length of her arm.

“Sorry, I have a tendency to jump to bad conclusions.” She said weakly, clearing her throat. That certainly wasn’t a lie, she had often been told that she had a flare for the dramatics and always thinking things are way worse than they actually are. She had never thought that was anything wrong with it until now, it seemed like a lot of things about her were wrong these days.

“That’s quite alright, I just wanted to maybe ease your mind a little bit. Now, I bet you did know I called you in here to talk about the fact that you haven’t handed in the most recent paper yet.” Dr. Ryland said, a small smile on her face, and Riley’s heart dropped. “But, I more brought you in here to ask you if everything was alright, I know the first semester of college can be rough for some people, and sometimes they let assignments go because they have a million other thoughts running through their head. So, Ms. Matthews, is everything alright?”

Is everything alright?

That was certainly not the question that Riley had been expecting to answer. She knew deep deep down what the answer really was and for a brief moment she considered opening up to her professor. But then her sense took over, overpowering her silly sensibility and she knew that she needed to nod and say that yeah, everything was fine.

Her professor wasn’t someone who needed to know her stupid, unimportant struggles. She knew herself that they were hardly something she needed to write home about. Her professor had far bigger things to worry about than a silly freshman who was a little lonely and had been sleeping more than usual. So she plastered a smile on her face and forced out a laugh.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just, I guess I just misinterpreted the syllabus, got a bunch of the dates mixed up. I promise it won’t happen again and I’ll get the paper to you really soon, I promise.” She said, the words flooding out of her mouth before she could stop them, lie after lie whizzing past her lips. Giving another forced smile, she stood from her chair, trying her best to look put together.

“Um, alright. Well, if there’s anything you ever need to talk about Riley, you can come and talk to me. I know I might just seem like a professor, but I promise I care.” A genuine smile flashed across Dr. Ryland’s lips and Riley was fairly certain her professor knew that she was lying, but Riley didn’t have it in her to sit down and tell the truth, no one needed to know all that and she was certain that no one really cared.

“Thank you. See you in class Dr. Ryland.” Riley said quickly, flashing a small grin and exiting the room, ignoring the flush of her face and the hotness of tears that were gathering in the corners of her eyes. Learning her head back against the wall next to the office door, she took three deep breaths, doing her best to slow down her erratic heartbeat.

She really was alright, nothing to concern anyone else with.

…

Riley had decided early in the semester that she wanted to go to Texas for Thanksgiving. That decision had been made following a particularly long skype conversation with Lucas in which she decided that she couldn’t wait until Christmas to see him again, but she wanted the whole thing to be a surprise. So, she called up his grandfather and made all of the plans behind Lucas’ back, Pappy Joe being more than willing to help her orchestrate the whole thing. She knew that Lucas wasn’t the biggest fan of surprises, but she hoped that he would be a fan of this one.

Telling her parents was a rough conversation that she purposefully did over the phone so she wouldn’t have to see her mom’s crestfallen face or her dad’s slight disappointment that she was spending an important family holiday with her boyfriend rather than her family. But, her parents ultimately were understanding that Lucas was just as much her family as they were and that she missed him, and they reasoned that she would home for Christmas and that they had seen her a couple of times since she had started school and she hadn’t seen Lucas since August.

So, the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, Riley found herself standing in JFK airport at about 11am, having rushed after her 8am class so she would have time to breath before her noon flight. Lucas didn’t get out of classes until almost 5, so Pappy Joe would be picking her up from the airport and then they would be making the journey to A&M to pick up Lucas. Then his mother would be joining them on Wednesday.

Riley hadn’t heard anything about whether or not his father would be joining the rest of the family, or if work would once again be keeping him from spending time with his family, not that she believed Kenneth cared either way.

She was a little nervous, mainly because she wasn’t the biggest fan of flying and Lucas still had absolutely no idea she was coming, but for the first time in a while, she was filled with the unmistakable feeling of joyful anticipation.

After months of only seeing Lucas’ face through a computer screen, she would finally get to see him in person and hug him and hear his voice in her ear. It was all she could have asked for and she knew exactly what she was going to be thankful of this year.

The two hours of being in JFK allowed her anticipation to only grow more and more and she briefly wondered if there would be any reason that Lucas might not be as excited to see her as she was him. She quickly pushed those thoughts away, he had told her just the other day on the phone how much he missed her and couldn’t wait until Christmas so they could see each other.

She was just trying to do what she did best, create a miserable situation for herself, she wished she knew how to turn her brain off sometimes, that would be a handly tool.

“Flight 1982 to Austin, Texas now boarding” The loud, droning voice snapped Riley out of her daze and her heart began to flutter and with a smile, she grabbed her bag and loaded onto the plane, excited for the days to come, knowing that this would easily outshine every other memory she had made in college so far.

Whether or not that was a good thing or a bad thing, she couldn’t tell. Nor did she care all too much.

…

The flight to Austin was long and more than once Riley had felt like she was going to throw up because of the turbulence, but before long she was standing in the Austin airport, scanning the crowd for the familiar face of her boyfriend’s grandfather. She knew he would be hard to miss and when her eyes finally landed on him, her smile grew on her face and she couldn’t help but break into a run to greet him.

Chuckling as she wrapped her arms around him, Pappy Joe Friar complied to her hug, squeezing her lightly as she laughed against his shoulder.

“Happy to see you made it just fine.” He said when she finally pulled away. Riley knew that Pappy Joe wasn’t exactly one for mushiness or feelings, so his words definitely held a lot of weight and she was grateful that he was so willing to come and grab her from the airport.

“Happy to be here.” She said, a real smile spreading on her face and happiness filling her up from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. She had dreamed about this since she made the plans months ago, and now she was actually here, it all felt a little too good to be true and she knew that feeling would only amplify when she could to see Lucas again.

“Well, come one now, Lucas called me right before you landed told me that he was all done with his classes and he’s ready to be picked up. Apparently he got done earlier than he expected, so the timing worked out perfectly.” Riley’s heart began to speed up in her chest, she smelt like airplane and looked like she had just rolled out of bed, no doubt, but she hardly cared.

Pappy Joe carried her bag for her, something he insisted on doing, and got her safely in the passenger seat, smiling at her when he walked around the truck and got himself into the driver’s seat. Riley knew that this was a small vehicle and that she would probably end up in between Lucas and Pappy Joe on the way back, but for now, she hardly cared. Besides, being squished up against her boyfriend wasn’t exactly a bad thing, even if his grandfather was the reason why.

It didn’t take them long before they were out on the open road and on their way to A&M, the familiarity of the situation making Riley more emotional than she would have thought. The memories of dropping Lucas off all those months ago hitting her like a freight train.

“So, Riley, how’s college going? Lukey tells me that you’re taking a whole variety of classes, really casting your net.” Riley grinned slightly, of course Lucas would put a positive spin on her slight identity crisis in her attempt to find her passion, he always found a way to make things to do with her positive, even if he had a hard time doing it with himself.

“It’s alright, a little harder than I would have thought, but I’m enjoying it.” That was partially a lie, but add Lucas’ grandfather to the list of people who really didn’t need to know all of her meaningless struggles. She still wasn’t even sure if she was going to say anything to Lucas, based on what she had heard from him, he had been doing nothing but succeeding since college started and she didn’t want to bring him down with her woes.

“Well, from what I know about you, I know that you’ll be fine and that soon enough you’ll be taking NYU by storm, making it all yours.” Pappy Joe grinned at her across the seat and she couldn’t help but smile at him.

Granted she didn’t believe him, but still, the sentiment was enough for now.

…

Pulling up at the A&M campus, it shocked Riley that she had forgotten how large it was. NYU was hardly small, but everything at A&M intimidated her with it’s size, she was almost afraid to get out of the car, nervous that she would be swallowed by the crowd of people. She remembered there being a lot of people, but not this many people.

“Lucas is over in that hall right over there, do you wanna come with me, or stay here. Either way he’ll be surprised so it’s all up to you.” Taking a look out the window, Riley gulped. She couldn’t remember the last time there had been this many people around her and that weird nervous feeling was settling in her stomach again and she was pretty sure she just needed a moment alone before seeing Lucas.

“I’ll wait here, I think that will surprise him more.” She said, a smile falling onto her face. Once Pappy Joe exited the car and left her alone, she took a deep breath. This was a familiar routine for her these days, deep breaths and counting to five. It had worked a for the first couple weeks she exercised the method, but lately she had been taking longer breaths and counting to ten rather than five.

Closing her eyes, she breathed again, counting up to fifteen in her head, picturing her friends and Lucas as she always did, they were her happy place after all. Smiling softly, she opened her eyes again, her heart slamming against her ribcage when she saw Pappy Joe making his way back over to the truck, a very familiar face by his side.

Lucas was smiling as he spoke to his grandfather, and despite the fact that he was probably still 30 feet away, Riley could practically see his eyes sparkling. The sight was her favorite thing in the entire world and she wanted to commit this Lucas image to memory and hold it in her heart forever. Swallowing, she exited the car herself, standing against the door and taking another deep breath, she could hear his laugh now, bright and clear.

“Now, throw your stuff in the back there and then hope in, we gotta get home before it gets too dark.”

She heard him before she saw him, she heard the clunk of his backpack in the back of the truck, the sound of his boots against the pavement before they stopped in their tracks, no doubt out of shock.

“Riley?” His voice was soft and she almost forgot what it sounded like when it wasn’t muffled through a phone or a webcam. She was teary eyed again and this time she didn’t make the effort to push away her tears, too focused on launching herself into his arms, knowing that she didn’t have to worry about him catching her. He always did.

He didn’t say anything, just chuckled softly against her hair, and she could only smile into his shoulder. She wasn’t exactly sure how long they stood like that, but she didn’t care, she could have stayed here for the rest of her life and had a life well lived.

She was finally home again.

…

Lucas and her didn’t talk much on the way back to Pappy Joe’s ranch, not because they had nothing to say, but because they knew that everything they wanted to say was more suited for late night whispers than it was sitting in a cramped truck with his grandfather.

So instead, they settled for holding hands, Riley was fairly certain that now that they were together, she was going to have to be pried away from him, she never wanted to let go of his hand, and based on how tightly he was holding their fingers together, he felt the same way.

“You okay?” He whispered next to he ear when she adjusted in her seat for what felt like the millionth time. Riding in the hump of a one bench truck wasn’t nearly as fun as any of the teen movies she had seen made it out to be.

“Yeah, never better.” She said, a genuine smile falling across her face. And she meant that. Despite all of her discomfort, she didn’t think she had been filled with this much joy since their summer roadtrip. She could have been bleeding out from a bullet wound, but if she had Lucas by her side, she would be filled with nothing but joy.

“Me too.” He whispered again, squeezing her fingers gently, the soft smile on his face giving her butterflies. They had been together for over four years now and she still felt like a nervous seventh grader around him sometimes, and it was a feeling that she never would have traded for the world.

It didn’t take long for them to be pulling up in front of Pappy Joe’s ranch and Riley grinned at the familiar sight. Despite only having been here twice in her life, it felt like a home away from home to her. She felt safe and comfortable here, which is something she was missing in other aspects of her life, so she was going to soak up this feeling while it lasted.

Lucas’ hand never dropped from hers, even as he reached into the back of the truck to grab his and her bags, which much like his grandfather, he insisted on grabbing for her, and Riley was glad. She knew that the second he let go, she would miss him.

Slowly, they made their way up the stairs of the porch after his grandfather, who had quickly gone inside to see Sheila and make sure that she had enough food and water and hadn’t destroyed anything while he was gone, apparently she had recently gotten into the habit of chewing socks.

“I forgot how amazing it was here.” She said when they were on the porch, looking around at the setting sun, the pink and red tones that painted the sky. For a brief moment she wished that Maya was here, the sky reminding her of her best friend’s beautiful artwork.

“Even more so, now.” Lucas replied, a small smirk on his lips. She laughed, bumping him with her hip. “No seriously, I was excited about Thanksgiving, because I’ve missed Pappy Joe and my mom, but this just makes it even better, you being here.” He said sincerely, pressing a kiss to her forehead. Her heart fluttered.

“Well, I’m happy I’m here.”

“I’m surprised you’re here though, mainly because I have no idea you were coming,” he laughs softly and she grins, leaning into him slightly, “and also because I can’t imagine your parents being ok with you being here instead of with them on a major family holiday.” She sighs softly, putting her head on his shoulder, and his arm immediately moved around her waist, not quite ready to let her go, which she completely understood.

“Trust me, you having no idea I was coming was all a part of my master plan.” He chuckles again, and she can feel his head shaking against her hair. “As for my parents, I gave a very solid and steady argument that you are just as much a part of my family as they are and I hadn’t seen you since August, whereas they got to see me a month ago. Not to mention that they’ve had 18 years of my Thanksgivings, they can afford missing me for one.”

While all of her words were spoken with nothing but truth behind them, those were all the arguments she had given her parents in her efforts to get them to say yes to her plans. She didn’t tell them, or anyone for that matter, that she had started to feel out of place.

That weird unsettling feeling that had first crawled into her heart the first time she had gone home for fall break, had yet to go away and she was afraid that it would have only become worse at Thanksgiving.

Lucas didn’t respond, instead tilting her chin up to kiss her gently, smiling against her lips. The crisp Texas air swirled around them and she felt a shiver run up her spin, but knew that it had nothing to do with the wind. Lucas had always had this effect on her and she guessed that it only increased due to their time apart, this is the first time they had kissed in months and she was surprised that she didn’t combust on the spot.

“Dinner’s on the table! Come get it while it’s hot!” Pappy Joe called from inside, promptly separating them and causing Riley to giggle.

Her heart was rising like a balloon, and she hoped to god it never popped.

…

Later that night, after devouring plenty of Pappy Joe’s chili, Riley hadn’t been that hungry, but she knew Pappy Joe wouldn’t take no for an answer, and didn’t want to worry either him or Lucas, her and Lucas are laying in his childhood bedroom, both silent in their contemplation of the day’s event.

Originally Pappy Joe had been weary about them staying together in Lucas’ room, but Grace was set to stay in the guest room, and it was just easier for Riley to start out in Lucas’ room with him.

“I’m really glad that you came.” Lucas whispers after a long while of silence. Riley’s head is laying against his chest, her ear pressed against his heart. It had been too long since she was able to fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat. She hadn’t realized how much she had truly missed it until now. Lucas’ fingers are lazily running through her hair and she’s never experienced quite as much peace as she does in this moment.

“I am too.” She mutters against his shirt, nuzzling her nose against his t-shirt. She smiles widely when she feels his lips press a kiss to the top of her head, and she tightens her grip on him, not wanting to let go, she never wants to let him go.

“I was kind of afraid for this Thanksgiving, I don’t know why, I think I just thought it might be awkward without my dad, and then me, my mom and Pappy Joe would just pretend that it was fine that he wasn’t here.” She can hear the apprehension in his voice, and she knows that despite all the progress he had made in the last year, opening up about this kind of stuff still was hard for him, even to her.

“Yeah, your grandpa mentioned something like that.” She doesn’t really know what else to say, she knows that he’s not exactly looking to be comforted, and listening is the best thing she can do right now. She presses a kiss to his t-shirt covered heart, and she can feel him smile against the top of her head.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s not that big a deal, holidays have always been….” he pauses and she lifted her eyelids up to look at him, she can see him contemplating his next words, there’s a weird pain in his eyes that she hasn’t seen in awhile and she squeezes her grip on his torso slightly, “weird, maybe this year it will just be less weird because you’re here.” He finishes, a small smile falling upon his face and she looks at her, the pain in his eyes replaced with a much more familiar look that brings butterflies to her stomach.

She doesn’t reply, instead leaning up to kiss him, sighing as their lips press together. He deepens their kiss, adjusting her so she’s more on top of him, moving his hands to her hips, under the hem of her (his) sweatshirt. She giggles, pulling away from him and nuzzling their noses together.

“I love you.” He mutters, pushing some of her hair behind her ear and pressing his forehead against hers.

“I love you, too.”

And that’s enough for now.

…

Halfway into Thanksgiving, Riley finds herself sitting on the couch in Pappy Joe’s living room, Grace Friar sitting next to her, excitedly telling her about the new manuscript she was writing. She could vaguely hear Lucas and his grandfather speaking in the kitchen, but she couldn’t make out what exactly it was that they were talking about.

“So Riley, what about you? Lucas never tells me about you when we talk on the phone, my guess is that he’s trying to keep you all to himself.” Grace said, an easy smile falling up on her face. Riley clams up, she had been trying so hard to keep the conversation away from herself, when talking to everyone in the Friar family.

Yesterday, Pappy Joe had asked her about her classes while she was washing the dishes and he was making his breakfast for the next morning, and she had stumbled through a story about her English class, saying nothing about her failing grades and uncomfortable meetings with her professors.

It was even harder with Lucas, they had spent almost every second together since she had arrived and she had made a conscious effort to keep the conversation on him, constantly asking him about his friends and his classes. More than once he had asked her about something going on in her life, and she had forced a smile and a short, and simple answer that wouldn’t entice any more questions from him.

She could tell that he was getting confused, and concerned, she saw the hurt in his eyes when she avoided his questions and she knew that he probably assumed she was keeping something from him, which wasn’t a total lie. She just, didn’t think anything going on with her was important enough to dominate a conversation, and she wanted to hear all about his life.

“What about me? There’s not much to say about me.” She said with a small shrug, taking a small sip of the iced tea in her hand.

“What’s going on with you? How’s school going?” Grace asked, nudging Riley’s knee with her own. Riley opened her mouth to answer, before closing it. She had to tread lightly here, while there was a certain something about Grace Friar that made Riley want to open up to her, she knew that if she said too much, information could get back to Lucas and she didn’t want that to happen.

“School is alright, it’s freshman year so I’m still trying to find my passion. But it’s good.” She said, smiling tightly. She cleared her throat and brought her cup to her lips once more. Grace had a weird look on her face, like she could tell that Riley wasn’t telling her something, but she chose not to comment, instead standing from the couch and squeezing Riley’s shoulder as she did so.

“I’m glad Riley, I hope that you find your passion, you helped Lucas find his and you deserve to find yours.” She said with a grin, dropping her hand from her shoulder and entering the kitchen. She could hear her lightly tease Pappy Joe about how long dinner was taking and Lucas’ light laughter, which caused her smile softly.

However, there was a dull ache in her heart as she listened to the warmth and joy of the family in the next room, and despite knowing that she was welcome here. She still felt like she was intruding, she wasn’t a real member of this family, she wasn’t entangled in it’s threads, she was an outsider learning the ropes. This wasn’t her place yet.

She didn’t truly belong here and it was starting to feel like she didn’t belong anywhere.

…

“I don’t want you to go.” Lucas whined slightly against her hair as his arms tightened around her. She giggled, ignoring the feeling of dread in her stomach. Ignoring the weird loneliness she had felt on Thanksgiving, the last couple days had been everything that she needed but she feared for the emptiness that was waiting for her back in New York.

“I don’t want to go either, but I have to.” She said, pulling away so she could look at him. They were standing in the terminal of the airport, not wanting to separate until absolutely necessary. “Besides, we’ll be together again in a couple weeks when you come home for Christmas.”

Lucas nodded, looking at his feet for a second, causing Riley to panic. “You are still coming home for Christmas, right?”

“Yeah, of course I am.” Lucas said, nodding his head quickly and pulling her in for another hug. “These next couple weeks are just gonna be really hard. I don’t want to have to wait that long to see you again.” He muttered, taking a deep breath and nudging his nose against the skin of her neck.

“Well, we’ve survived this long haven’t we.” She gave him a tight smile, not wanting to show him how much this was actually hurting her, because he knew he would try and do something to make her feel better, when there was really nothing he could actually do.

“Yeah, I just know I’m gonna miss you.” He said simply, pulling away and pressing his lips against hers softly. Riley knew their time together was coming to an end, her flight was in an hour and she needed to go through security still, but she didn’t want to leave him. Not yet.

“I’m gonna miss you too.” She said, leaning her forehead against his, he smiled softly and the dull ache in her heart grew, even if her stomach was fluttering. “I have to go, my flight is soon and security is going to take a long time.”

She knew she had to pull away, if she didn’t she would never want to leave him. Taking a step away from him, she squeezed his hand, giving him a watery smile. She didn’t want to break down in front of him, she couldn’t.

Willing herself to turn away, she gave him one last wave before she fully turned her back to him, ignoring the searing pain in her heart as she did so. She didn’t have the energy push her tears away.

She went through the motions of getting her boarding pass and going through security, ignoring the weird looks from other people, nervously whispering about the girl crying to herself. The rest of the people in the terminal sat away from her, clearly uncomfortable with her puffy face. Riley hated herself for not being better at concealing her emotions, she hadn’t wanted to cry, not like this. Not here.

But she cried all the way back to New York, her heart not following her, stuck back in Texas.

…

The couple of weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas were bleak and grey and Riley didn’t even feel like she was inhabiting her own body as she went through the motions of her classes. She didn’t do much of leaving her room, just going to class and then returning to her humble abode and either sleeping or doing the minimal amount homework that she had to.

She had been making an effort since talking to Dr. Ryland to improve herself in economics, but unfortunately her other grades were suffering now too. She was sure that her English class was the only class that she was staying afloat in.

The worst part? She didn’t even care.

She had always wanted to do well in school, that had been something ingrained in her since she was old enough to get grades. Part of that was pressure from her parents, but a lot of it was her own pressure on herself to do well. To make her parents proud. To make her friends proud. To make her teachers proud. Now, she had none of that drive in her anymore.

She didn’t want to disappoint anyone, but for some reason, she couldn’t bring herself to actually try any harder.

The two weeks between break and finals week were some of the hardest of Riley’s life. She was lonely, and the changing weather and the anticipation of the upcoming holiday weren’t making her feel any better. She was nervous to return home, the memory of the emptiness she had felt last time she was in the presence of her family still stung a little bit and she wasn’t sure if she was quite ready to face them all again.

But she also couldn’t bear to stay in this dorm room a second longer, it was like being in a prison, or a hospital, so bleak and cold. Despite all of her efforts to make it her own, pictures of her friends and family lining the walls, the sketch that Maya gifted her sitting right above her pillow, it still feels empty and unlived in.

She didn’t want to be in school, or at home. So where did she want to be? Where did she belong?

It was starting to feel like she might never figure that out.

…

Finals were a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it meant that she was finally done with her classes for the semester, no more supply and demand and dissections for her. But a curse because, that meant studying and taking exams on subjects that she had been stumbling through all semester.

The only saving grace was that it was only a couple more days before she would be reunited with all of her friends, it had been rough without them all semester and she was dying to see them again and maybe they would bring her that wholeness that she had been craving, and living without for the last four months.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you in a month.” Riley’s roommate, Hannah, droned from her side of the room as she watched Riley pack up her stuff. Riley had just completed her last final and was desperate to get out of this dorm room.

“Yeah, guess so.” She forced out a tight smile to her roommate, a weird silence following. Hannah and her had spoken maybe a total of ten words to each other all semester, Riley had almost forgotten what her voice sounded like. She knew that it was silly, to have hoped that her and her roommate would have become friends, but there’s a small sting knowing that these words are probably the most they’ve exchanged in one conversation all semester.

“Have a good break.” Hannah says, getting off of her bed and grabbing her jacket from the hook. “See you later.” And with a nod of her head, she departs their room, the irony of their last conversation of the semester peaking at three sentences, and being the longest they’ve had settling over the room once Hannah has left.

Riley decides not to focus on it too much, her lack of friendship with her roommate being the last thing she really wanted to think about. That and the biology exam that she no doubt bombed. Exams had been rough, she might have been able to pull out an ok grade in her math class. She had no worries about her English class, but biology and economics would be a waiting game to see whether or not she had made the grade.

Shaking all thoughts of school and Hannah and grades and every lousy thing and feeling she had had this past semester, Riley shoved the last of her stuff into her backpack, taking a quick scan of her room to see if she had forgotten anything. Once she had surmised that everything she needed was packed away in her bags, she grabbed her stuff and departed the room without a second glance.

Moving through the dorm hallways, she bit her lip slightly as she noticed a couple pairs of parents helping their kids move things from their dorm rooms, hugging and excitedly chatting about the holidays and how much fun they had had during their first semester of college.

It makes Riley think back to the text she had gotten from her mother the other day, asking her what time they could expect her, informing her that there might be no one home and she would have to let herself in with her key.

She knew it was silly, to expect her parents to come and get her when she could easily get on the subway and return home by herself, but it still hurt. She would never say anything to anyone about it though, she was oversensitive, a lot of things that made her sad wouldn’t cause anyone else any amount of distress. She was just being Riley after all, overdramatic about the smallest little things.

God, she couldn’t stand herself, sometimes.

The ride from NYU back to her apartment was shorter than she had remembered, unlike the last time she had returned home, she wasn’t filled with that same anticipation. She supposed that being filled with dread made time move much faster, dread wanted her suffer quickly rather than wait around.

Shuffling slowly up the stairs of her building, her stomach swirled and knotted with each step that she took to her front door. She didn’t even really know why she was dreading all of this so much, because of one measly feeling she had experienced over fall break? Her parents would probably be thrilled to see her and Auggie had never expressed anything other than delight at her presence, so she had nothing to worry about, right?

Sighing to herself as she reached the front door of her apartment, she could hear voices on the other side of the door, her mother’s crisp, clean laughter rippling through the air. Her stomach lurched, her heart speeding up in her chest. She was about to push the front door open when her phone dinged from her back pocket.

A real genuine smile overtook her features as she read the message on the screen, very few people had that kind of effect on her and right now, it was what she truly needed.

Lucas Friar ♥: My flight tomorrow is at 1, so I’ll be back in the city by tomorrow night. Hope all of your exams went well, I know you were worried about some of them. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Love you.

So, with those words in her heart, she takes a deep breath and crosses over the threshold, not quite sure what to expect on the other side.

#riley matthews #riley matthews fic #rucas #rucas fic #rucas squad #fanfic*#sott #listen y'all i'm....deceased #this fic might actually kill me but i'm excited #the title of the fic has nothing to do with the actual fic itself i just am #obsessed OBSESSED #with that song and i like the title #so anyways #i'm really proud of this

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