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fortey · 4 years ago

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Nic Cage vs Zombies the Comic

If you want to appreciate how Nic Cage vs Zombies would work in comic book form, here’s the script for the first issue.

Nic Cage vs Zombies: Issue 1

The point here is to be the most intense thing anyone has ever seen or imagined seeing. This story exists for one purpose - to convince you the world can only be saved by Nic Cage.

PAGE 1

Panel 1 - long panel across the top 3rd of the page

Nighttime in Chinatown. The street is crowded despite the rain. Shops are crammed tight together and signs in different shapes of pink and red and yellow neon advertising restaurants stand stark against the black of the night. Cars and bicycles go up and down the street, as do pedestrians with umbrellas. Paper lanterns are strung from one side of the street to another in criss cross patterns

CAPTION: Chinatown.

Panel 2 - tall panel, the left half of what remains on the page

A figure stands at the mouth of an alley in a long coat and rumple cowboy hat. His back is to us and he is hallowed by the massobe, pink neon sign of the DRAGON COURT Chinese restaurant. The people on the street pay him no mind.

Panel 3: - identical to previous panel on the right on the page

The figure crosses the street towards another alley on the side of the Chinese restaurant

PAGE 2

Panel 1 of a three panel bar across the top

The figure sidesteps a scooter the splashes him from a puddle

Panel 2:

The figure makes his way down the alley. A single bulb at the end draws him in

Panel 3:

close on the hand knocking on a thick steel door under one of those sliding peep hole things.

Panel 4 of another 3 panels across the center of the page

The peep hole slides open. Eyes gaze out.

Panel 5:

The door is open and the cowboy hat-wearing figure is silhouetted as he enters.

Panel 6:

The door is closed. The rain pelts down

Panel 7 of another 3 panels on the bottom

Side view of the figure as he walks down a dim, concrete hall lined with pipes. He is still cast in silhouette so we only see his shadowy proflle

Panel 8

The figure is heading down a staircase.

Panel 9:

The figure from behind in a basement. The quarters are close. Water drips from apipe. There is a bulb on the ceiling. Our figure is in the foreground, a black shape.

SHAPE: Uh… hey.

PAGE 3

splash page, one single panel

Our figure is in the foreground but the focus is not on him. In the center of the hall before another door is a hulking beast of a man. It is the ALBINO. He is 7’4” tall, think The Mountain from Game of Thrones but pale white and smooth hairless. He wears leather pants and no shirt, but he does have on a leather apron. At his hip is a holstered meat cleaver. And on his massive bald head is a bike helmet with a GoPro affixed to it. His eyes are pale blue and his jaw is thick.

SHAPE: Nice apron.

PAGE 4

Panel 1 of a two panel spread on the top third of the page.

The Albino takes hold of the handle of a huge wooden door and pulls it open. From the cracks, golden light spills out.

ALBINO: HMMM.

Panel 2:

Our shape stands in the doorway, He is a black silhouette against golden light that spills out like the sun itself was in the room on the other side of the door.

Panel 3 spreads across the entire middle third of the page

The room beyond the door is like Shangri-La - it’s a casino but no ordinary casino. The room is enormous with massively high ceilings. There are wall sconce torches and dozens if not hundred of patrons at all manner of tables. Everyone is dressed formally, and suspended from cords Cirque du Soleil style are wait staff who descend from the ceiling. There are dozens of gaming tables and everything is gold and silver. There are statues lining walls and it’s basically the fanciest damn place you can imagine

Panel 4 is the bottom third of the page. Finally we see the shape’s face. It’s Nic Cage. We’re medium close on him as the door shuts behind him.

NIC CAGE: Nice.

PAGE 5

Panel 1 - this is the top half of the page, so only two panels total here.

Cage descends a small staircase, handing his coat and hat to someone in a tux. Servers on lines descend from a bar that is suspended above the entire room. They bob up and down like spiders here and there.

Panel 2:

Cage passes by tables of gamblers. People are pushing unusual items across tables, placing bets not with money but with things like jewels, a fossils, strange bundles of papers and curious, rare knick knacks. A 4 piece string band plays on a stage to the side

PAGE 6

Panel 1 of two panels across top of page

Cage, from behind, in foreground as he approach a set of double doors set into the wall. It is guarded by two identical women in matching suits and sunglasses on either side of the door. The only difference between them is that they have the opposite side of their heads shaved, so that the side facing out has long,shoulder-length straight black hair hanging down and the side facing in, towards each other, are bald. The women have dark skin and wear sunglasses.

The doors look to be carved from solid jade. They are ornate and carved with dragons and Chinese lions.

Panel 2

The women wordlessly pull open the doors for Cage. Inside is a single table with three people seated at it, and some other elegant furnishings. The people are ways from the door and not terrible detailed by they are TEDDY SOLSTICE, a young, dark-skinned man in his 20s who has a wooden box about the size of a loaf of bread on the table before him. MRS. LUMBERG, a very rich, very elegant woman in her 40s sits before a manilla envelope and LAO CHE-FUNG, a Chinese man in his late 70s who is very decrepit and somewhat sinister. Behind Che-Fung is a beefy man in a suit, his bodyguard, who stands next to a large, tarp-covered object. Though we can’t sea it, it is the man-sized cage that holds a zombie.

Panel 3 of a two panel spread in the center of the page

Cage shakes hands with Teddy Solstice over the table.

TEDDY: Welcome, Mr. Cage.

NIC CAGE: Teddy, please, it’s just Nic. How are you this evening?

TEDDY: Very well, Mr. Cage. And you?

Panel 4

Nic Cage clasps the white-gloved hand of Mrs. Lumberg.

NIC CAGE: I am so much better now that I see the lovely Mrs. Lumberg is here!

MRS. LUMBERG: Flattery gets you everywhere, my dear Nicolas. Do sit down.

Panel 5 of two panels across the bottom of the page

Nic Cage has taken his seat, and Teddy Solstice now sits also.

NIC CAGE: Sorry for being so late, parking is a nightmare. Good to see you as well Mr. Lao. Do we have stakes?

Panel 6

Nic Cage sets a small, glass jar with a cork stopper on the table. Inside are teeth. Human teeth.

NIC CAGE: Elvis Presley. Or his teeth, at least. Clone yourself the King of Rock and Roll or just make a necklace.

PAGE 7

Panel 1 of three panels on the top of the page

Centered on Teddy Solstice hold open the box before him. There is a fist-sized rock within, dotted with what looks like yellow glass or gems. They glow very softly in the grey stone.

TEDDY: The largest pallasite meteorite yet discovered on Earth with this degree of radiance.

Panel 2

Centered on Mrs. Lumberg as she pulls files from the manila envelope. They are property deeds.

MRS. LUMBERG: The deeds to the childhood homes of Ed Gein, Jeffrey Dahmer and Charles Manson.

Panel 3

Centered on Lao Che-Fung. He is simply sitting still, looking old and decrepit, lifting a hand to gesture to the bodyguard. Behind him, on his left is the bodyguard and the tarp-covered structure.

LAO CHE-FUNG: While your tokens are rare indeed, I would be remiss if I did not say I had expected something more...

Panel 4 One full panel encompassing the rest of the page. The body guard has pulled the tarp and we now see what appears to be a human-sized aquarium. Inside, restrained with shackles as ancient as Lao Che-Fung himself, is a zombie. It’s flesh is ragged and dusty old looking, like leaves on a plant that is on the cusp of death. It is insanely thin, bones are visible beneath its flesh, and it wears only one item - a simple jade necklace on a silver chain about its neck. One of its eyes is milk white but the other is all too sharp and alive, staring out at everyone.

ZOMBIE SFX: NNNNGGHAAAAAGGH!!!

The others are not visible in this panel, except for a partial view of the bodyguard to one side. When Lao -Che-Fung speaks, his words come from off panel.

LAO CHE-FUNG: … unusual.

PAGE 8

Left panel of two panels on top of the page.

Panel 1: Nic Cage has stood from his chair and looks shocked. Mrs Lumberg clutches at her chest in that offended, old lady way. Teddy Solstice looks terrified.

NIC CAGE: What the hell is that?!

Panel 2: Lao Che-Fung has still not moved at all, looks like he may as well be asleep. He is sitting in the foreground at the table, with the zombie visible behind him.

LAO CHE-FUNG: Do relax, my friends, there is no danger. In a game where money is no motivator, I had expected perhaps one of you could say you had brought to the table an item of value on par with my own. Please, behold the abomination of Emperor Li Hahn, cursed to live beyond death.

Panel 3 of a two panel spread in the center of the page

Close on Nic Cage’s face with an arched eyebrow.

NIC CAGE: I’m sorry, my blood sugar must be low. Did you just imply that this is a zombie?

Panel 4 on Lao Che-Fung, his expression still set and unmoving, like he just doesn’t care.

LAO CHE-FUNG: Indeed, Mr. Cage.

Panel 5 of a three panel spread across the bottom of the page. This one just focuses on the shocked face of Mrs. Lumberg.

Panel 6 is framed exactly the same, the shocked face of Teddy Solstice.

Panel 7 is framed the same on Nic Cage, only with a wry smile now.

NIC CAGE: Huh. Well, that’s funky. Can’t say that I’ve ever seen one of those before.

PAGE 9

Two panels across top of page. The first panel focuses on Lao Che-Fung who, for the first time, has changed his expression to the barest hint of a smile.

LAO CHE-FUNG: Emperor Li Hahn is the only of his kind in the world.

Panel 2: Nc Cage looks considering, sitting back in his seat.

NIC CAGE: Well, and don’t get me wrong, this is very far out stuff, but I’m not sure why I want a zombie. I mean, it’s rare, sure, but what can it do?

Panel 3 of two middle panels focuses on Teddy Solstice

TEDDY: Carry luggage?

Panel 4 is Mrs. Lumberg, holding a gloved hand to her nose.

MRS. LUMBERG: It smells atrocious.

Panel 5 of two bottom panels goes back to Nic Cage

NIC CAGE: It does! It’s like beef jerky in a toilet on a hot day. Or like -

SFX OF DOOR CRASHING IN: THUNK!

Panel 6: The door has been kicked in and a DETECTIVE stands front and center with uniform cops streaming in behind him, guns drawn. The detective is holding a warrant.

DETECTIVE: Mr. Lao Che-Fung, this is a warrant for your arrest!

PAGE 10:

Long panel down the left side of the page. One of the uniform officers is at the zombie aquarium looking freaked out. The poker players are still seated and caught off guard. The detective stands at the edge of the table.

DETECTIVE: We’ve got you on charges of operating an illegal gambling facility, trafficking in antiquities, rare and endangered animals and -

COP: (Interrupting detective): Detective Mills, what the hell is this?

Panel 2 is the top half of what remains of the page. The uniform officer is at the aquarium and the zombie is focused on him as the officer reaches for the latch on the door.

COP: My God, what are you doing to this man?

LAO CHE-FUNG: Detective, please, you must not do this!

Panel 3 is focused on Detective Mills as the uniform officer has the latches open. Mills has his gun trained on Lao Che-Fung

DETECTIVE: You better think twice about telling me what I must do, Lao. I’ve had enough of your crap over the last 6 years, and this is the final nail in your coffin.

LAO CHE-FUNG: Please, Detective! I beg you, you have no idea -

PAGE 11 SPLASH PAGE!

One giant panel of madness. The door has burst open, the zombie has leapt on the uniform officer. The others in the room are reeling back, the poker table is in the process of being knocked as the officer falls on it, the zombie atop of him, its yellow teeth crunching into the officer's neck, blood exploding outward like a fountain. Nic Cage and Lao Che-Fung are to the right side of the page, Teddy, Mrs. Lumberg and the Detective to the right with the zombie and the dying officer front and center.

The zombie’s attack is bestial, like a cat pouncing on a mouse. Its body is lithe and thin, but ropey with muscles.

COP SCREAMING SFX: GAAAGGGHHH!!

ZOMBIE SFX : GRRRRK!

PAGE 12

Large panel across the top of the page. The zombie is now feasting on the bodyguard as the Detective and two other officers draw firearms. Mrs Lumberg is on her butt against the wall, Teddy Solstice has stumbled back and steadied himself on a small cabinet. Lao Che-Fung is scuttling back to a folding partition where we can see the barest hint of a door hidden. Nic Cage has leapt back. A massive fountain of blood is spurting up from the bodyguard.

MRS LUMBERG: AAAAHH!!!!

Panel 2 across the center of the page

The detective and two uniform officers open fire. The zombie lifts its head in a snarl as holes riddle its body.

GUNSHOT SFX: BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

DETECTIVE: Jesus!

Panel 3 of two panels on the bottom of the page

Teddy Solstice pushes past the cops for the door as Lao Che-Fung escapes out a back door. The zombie is on its feet Here the detective aims point blank at the zombie’s chest and fires

GUNSHOT SFX: BLAM!

Panel 4 is the zombie. Its snarl turns to a very slight but noticeable smile. Its chin and chest is soaked in blood.

DETECTIVE: Mother of God...

PAGE 13

Another large panel on the top of the page. Behind the zombie, the officer is back on his feet. The red blood from his neck has soaked his uniform, but the wound is now spiderwebbed in angry, black veins that run up his face. His expression is vacant.

DETECTIVE: Officer Riley?

Panel 2 is one half of two panels in the center of the page. Riley is now fury as he lunges at Detective Mills, who is caught off guard.

Panel 3 is the second half of the middle scene. Riley is on top of Detective Mills and has sunk his teeth into the detective’s face, biting his cheek, lip and nose.

DETECTIVE: JESUAAAAAAGHHHHH!!

Panel 4 is the full panel across the bottom. Emperor Li Hahn is on one of the uniform officer’s and the bodyguard is grasping Mrs. Lumberg’s leg. Only one uniform officer remains standing along with Nic Cage.

MRS LUMBERG: Help me, please!

PAGE 14

This is 5 small panels across the top of the page, like a pure action sequence, all close ups.

Panel 1 shows Mrs. Lumberg as the bodyguard bites into her ankle.

Panel 2 shows the officer tearing a strip from Detective Mill’s face

Panel 3 shows Emperor Li Hahn biting into the next uniform officer

Panel 4 shows Detective Mills with black veins spreading all around his ruined face wounds

Panel 5 is just zombie teeth splattering blood and gore

Panel 6 is in one of two panels in the center of the page. Nic Cage has edged to the door where the final officer fights with Li Hahn. The officer is reaching out to Cage.

OFFICER: Hel...p!

Panel 7 is Li Hahn literally pulling the throat out of the officer.

Panel 8 is the first of three frames across the bottom. Nic Cage runs from the room, so we see him head on with the door behind him. He has a spray of blood across his face and he’s in the casino proper now. He’s in a dead run.

NIC CAGE: EVERYONE REALLY NEEDS TO NOT BE HERE!

Panel 9 is the casino in chaos. Detective Mills and Riley follow Cage out of the room, both dripping blood and gross and looking horrifying.

Panel 10 is other officers rushing to the scene, patrons running wild

PAGE 15

Panel 1 of two panels across the top of the page. The second officer, who asked Cage for help, lunges at one of those Cirque du Soleil waiters next to Cage

Panel 2 is Cage smashing the jar of Elvis teeth upside the zombie’s head as he pulls the waiter away with the other hand. Shards of glass and teeth fly to one side along with dark blood. The zombie’s face is busted pretty badly.

Panel 3 of two panels that make up the rest of the page, so they’re each two thirds of the page long, give or take. I want the height here for what’s about to happen. Cage and the waiter reverse bungee up to the catwalk ceiling bar.

Panel 4 is Cage and the Waiter now suspended from the ceiling. The bar up here is glass with a steel grate floor, and a grate catwalk that leads away to a door. All the wait staff are on these reverse bungee cords which are attached to mobile rigs that let them scoot around the room. Minor detail, but they’re up there on the ceiling.

WAITER: What the hell is going on?!?

NIC CAGE: Zombies, man.

WAITER: Who the hell brought zombies to a casino?!?

NIC CAGE: Old Chinese man.

WAITER: Are we safe up here?

PAGE 16

Panel 1 of two panels on the top of the page. Nic Cage and the waiter are interrupted by a new waiter rolling up to the bar, clutching at the edge of it with one of the two zombified twin door guards on his back, biting his skull.

NIC CAGE: Oh man…

Panel 2 is the waiter pointing to a door set into a wall at the end of the catwalk

WAITER: That leads into the kitchen, we can get out there.

Panel 3 of two panels across the center of the page is Cage running down the catwalk with the waiter behind him.

Panel 4 is another wait springing up to the catwalk. He is zombified, and latches onto the waiter’s leg.

WAITER: AAAAGHH!!

Panel 5 of two panels across the bottom is Cage turning. A second zombie server, a woman in a tuxedo shirt soaked in blood, has sprung up on the waiter’s other side.

Panel 6 is Cage grabbing the waiter’s hand while the new server is biting down on the waiter’s shoulder. The first is still eating the leg.

PAGE 17

Panel 1 is a long one across the top of the page. The waiter’s arm comes off in Cage’s hands thanks to the zombie eating his shoulder. The waiter is falling off the catwalk under the weight of the two zombies eating him.

Panel 2 of three panels in the center of the page. Cage is just holding the arm still as the barest hint of the waiter is visible, falling from the catwalk.

Panel 3: Cage looks at the hand and arm he’s holding

Panel 4: Cage tosses the arm

Panel 5 is another long panel, showing a long shot of the whole scene. There is chaos on the floor as people scramble and fight, while above on the catwalk, Cage runs for the door. This is all seen at a bit of a distance to fit it all in, so it’s more the silhouette of Cage running, while small figures fight below.

PAGE 18

Panel 1 of three panels across the top of the page. Inside the kitchen, with Nic Cage bursting through the door from the catwalk beyond. Staff inside are busy prepping food, dressed in typical kitchen whites.

Panel 2: Cage rushes into the kitchen past stoves and cooks.

NIC CAGE: OUT! EVERYONE REALLY NEEDS TO GET OUT NOW!

Panel 3: From Cage’s perspective now, as a handful of cooks and a dishwasher lean back to look down the way at Cage with silent, confused expressions.

Panel 4 of two center panels. A zombie waiter lurches through the kitchen door.

ZOMBIE: UNNNNGHH!!

Panel 5: The zombie grabs a cook and bites his arm. The cook screams.

COOK: AAAAAGGGH! AAAAGHHH!!!

Panel 6 of three panels across the bottom. Cage grabs a meat cleave off of a nearby cutting board.

Panel 7: Cage’s arm cocks for throwing, the blade of the cleaver glints

Panel 8: Cage’s arm is fully extended, the Cleaver is in flight

Page 19

Panel 1 of two panels across the top of the page: The Cleaver spins like a ninja star, the background is just a blur

Panel 2: The cleaver hits dead center, embedded right between the zombie’s eyes and splitting its head like a super gross melon.

Panel 3 of two center panels: The kitchen staff are all in the exact same position as when they first leaned back to look at Cage on the last page, still silent but now they all look totally shocked. When Cage speaks, it comes from the bottom of the panel as he is not visible and this is his view of the kitchen staff.

NIC CAGE: RUN!

Panel 4: The kitchen staff bolt for the door and Cage runs with them.

Panel 5 is one large panel at the bottom.

Nighttime in Chinatown. The street is busy despite rainfall - the neon lights and paper lanterns give it life and there are pedestrians with umbrellas and cars filling the streets, minding their own business. The restaurant staff are bolting in all directions Cage is running into the street. To his side, dangerous close, is a Chinese food delivery guy on a scooter. They’re about to collide but haven’t done so just yet.

Page 20

Panel one is the full panel across the top of the page. Cage and the delivery boy collide. The delivery boy is JEFFREY, a kid of about 20. He’s wearing a helmet and a red jacket with the dragon logo of the restaurant on the back. His scooter is one of those e-bike types, with a little basket on the back for holding orders. He’s a skinny kid, with brown hair and a bit of a dork appeal to him.

NIC CAGE: OOF!

Panel 2 of two center panels: Nic Cage is splayed out on the wet street. The scooter is overturned, Jeffrey is down next to it on his side

JEFFREY: Gah…

NIC CAGE: Not..good…

Panel 3 is Nic Cage getting to his feet, looking over at Jeffery

NIC CAGE: Hey, kid, are you alright I’m really -

JEFFREY: Nic Cage!

Panel 4 of two on the bottom is Cage offering his hand to help Jeffrey up.

NIC CAGE: Yes, actually. But also sorry. But listen, we have to -

JEFFREY: Oh my God, I love you! Like not in an insane way. Face/Off is such bad ass movie! Can I shake your hand.

Panel 5 is Jeffrey taking Cage’s hand as Cage pulls him to his feet.

NIC CAGE: You can! You are! But hey, we really have to go.

JEFFREY: We do? Why? Where?

PAGE 21

This page will be 6 even panels, three on top and three on the bottom

Panel 1: Cage is holding the handlebars of Jeffrey’s scooter

NIC CAGE: Is this yours? Give me a ride to my hotel and I’ll tell you all about it.

Panel 2: Jeffrey looks unsure. This is a side view with him in the foreground and the restaurant behind him, so you can see his jacket and the restaurant have the same logo.

JEFFREY: I don’t know, Mr. Cage. I have to get back to work soon, this is my delivery scooter.

Panel 3: Someone in a tux, one of the gamblers, runs screaming from the restaurant as Cage takes his position on the scooter

SCREAM SFX: AAAAAAAGHHHHHH!!!!!!

NIC CAGE: I think you’ve probably got the rest of the night off...uh… what’s your name?

Panel 4: Jeffrey gets on behind Cage, another person runs from the restaurant.

SCREAM SFX (maybe a little bit smaller and seeming to come from deeper in the restaurant): NOOOOOOO!!!!

JEFFREY: Jeffrey. Hey, what’s going on?

Panel 5: Cage is tearing off down the street, as fast as one can tear off on a double-occupied e-bike scooter. Behind them, the sound of sirens approaches, and more screams

SIREN SFX: WEEEE-OOOO WEEEE-OOOO WEEEE-OOOO

SCREAM SFX: AAHHH! AHHH! HELLLLLLPPPP MEEEE!!

NIC CAGE: Zombies, Jeffrey. Zombies are going on.

Panel 6: rear view of the scooter vanishing into the distance, and in the foreground, a pair of zombies, one the kitchen staff guy who was bit and one the cirque du soleil waiter who helped Cage, are shambling into the street.

PAGE 22

One panel of two across the top of the page here. A long shot of a fancy hotel with a curved laneway leading to the front door. Cage is driving up with Jeffrey on the back of the Scooter.

Panel 2: Cage tosses the keys to a valet as he heads to the big glass doors of the hotel. Jeffrey is following but looks very confused and lost.

Panel 3 is one wide center panel of Cage entering his hotel room, key card in hand, with Jeffrey following behind. It’s a nice looking hotel room, but nothing out of the ordinary. It’s what you might expect a movie star to stay in. The far wall is a giant picture window with the curtains drawn.

Panel 4 of three across the bottom of the page. Jeffrey is standing while Cage is holding a phone to his ear.

Panel 5: Close on Cage as he talks on the phone.

NIC CAGE: Marty, it’s Nic. Listen, I need a flight home. Things got weird here.

Panel 6 is a wider shot. Cage has a remote control in his other hand and has turned the TV on. There is a shot of a flaming zombie and the chyron reads “CHINATOWN PANIC”

NIC CAGE: Marty, I need you to listen carefully. I saw a zombie tonight. It ate about a dozen people and now everyone in Chinatown is dead I think. I would like to go home.

PAGE 23

Panel 1 is a large panel across the top of the page. Jeffrey is looking shocked, checking out the mayhem on the TV. Cage is pacing the room talking on the phone.

NIC CAGE: Look at your TV, Marty. It’s the walking dead. I killed one with a meat cleaver and I bungeed to a ceiling bar and I just came here to relax before the opening. This is not relaxing.

Panel 2 is one of three long panels that make up the remainder of the page. Nic Cage is chewing his nails while Jeffrey is glued to the TV which depicts the tiny image of a zombie biting someone.

JEFFREY: Uh, Mr. Cage.

NIC CAGE: Jeffrey, please, I’m on the phone.

Panel 3: Jeffrey is plastered to the TV. Chinatown is on fire.

JEFFREY: Mr. Cage, look at this! I live on 14th Street, that’s like 10 blocks from here. My girlfriend is home with her brother! I have to get to them!

Panel 4 is Nic Cage holding up a finger to shush Jeffrey.

NIC CAGE: Jeffrey -- wait, what? Marty, how the hell did they shut the airport down already?

PAGE 24

Two panels one on top of the other to end this issue Panel 1 features Jeffrey turning away from the TV and instead taking hold of the curtains. Nic Cage is still on the phone.

NIC CAGE: If I die here, Marty, you’re fired.

JEFFREY: Mr. Cage…

Panel 2 on the bottom of the page. Jeffrey has thrown open the curtains and he and Nic Cage are in the foreground, from behind, looking out. The view out the window is the bulk of the panel. Normally this would be an amazing view looking down from a decent height at the city at night. Instead, it shows a scene that could be mistaken for the end of the world. Fires burn in numerous places, including one massive fire in the distance that we can assume s Chinatown. There are helicopters in the sky, and small fires all over the place. In the near distance there’s even a flaming zombie walking down a street.

NIC CAGE: Marty, I gotta go.

#comics #horror

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coinjoker12 · 2 years ago

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stevblog · 1 year ago

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Hivelance stands as a top-tier Blockchain Casino Game Development Company, specializing in blockchain gambling, including blockchain casino games. Our blockchain casino game clone script enables you to duplicate well-known casino games such as poker, roulette, blackjack, and dice while implementing smart contracts to ensure reliability and transparency in the gaming experience.

Unveiling Blockchain Casino Games:

Blockchain Casino Games represent a cutting-edge category of online gaming that harnesses the power of blockchain networks. These games cater to both seasoned online gamblers and high-stakes professional gamers. Popular games in this genre include dice, poker, and slot machines, among others. Players can enjoy a thrilling and futuristic gaming experience by using Bitcoin as the primary mode of payment.

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Our White Label Blockchain Casino Game Clone Software offers a customizable solution with added features tailored to the unique requirements of our clients. With this white label solution, you can establish your brand with distinct features and functionality according to your vision. At Hivelance, as a blockchain game development company, we closely monitor the sectors where blockchain technology is gaining momentum.

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Decentralized Casinos:

Decentralized applications (Dapps) have become the foundation for providing casino games. These Dapps are at the forefront of blockchain gambling, as they exclusively rely on blockchain technology. However, they must adhere to specific requirements, such as being open-source and free from third-party constraints.

Potential for Disruption:

Blockchain technology introduces fresh elements that can disrupt the industry in multiple ways, offering advantages for players, authorities, and casinos alike. The future of blockchain in the casino industry holds promise for all stakeholders.

Gameplay Control:

A limited variety of blockchain casinos is currently available, with game developers and crypto casinos having control over rules and games. However, the lack of oversight of payouts with blockchain casinos clone script makes it challenging to verify the win rates claimed by many crypto casinos.

Transparency:

One of the most significant advantages of blockchain technology is its inherent transparency. Blockchain Casino Game Clone Scripts offer openness and security, allowing players to trace every transaction. This transparency enhances players' confidence and peace of mind.

Benefits of Blockchain Casino Game Clone Script:

Reduced Entrance Barrier:

Playing at Bitcoin casinos requires minimal personal information, typically just a password and an email. This anonymity is advantageous for players who value data privacy, as they can start playing immediately and even try out games for free.

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Low Fees:

Blockchain transactions incur low fees, reducing the overall operational costs for casinos.

Enhanced Security:

The use of cryptographic methods in blockchain technology ensures heightened security, protecting players' financial and personal data.

Anonymity:

Blockchain technology enables players to maintain their anonymity while participating in casino games, allowing for transactions through digital wallets and an additional layer of privacy.

Creating a Blockchain Casino Game from Scratch:

Building a blockchain casino game from the ground up involves several essential steps:

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Integrate cryptocurrency payment methods into the game to enable users to place wagers using digital currencies.

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How a Blockchain Casino Game Clone Script Enhances Your Casino Business:

For a successful casino business, it's essential to understand two key aspects of the Blockchain Casino Game Clone Script:

Provably Fair Games:

Our scripts ensure that casino games are provably fair, providing transparency and credibility to your players.

Non-Custodial:

With our Blockchain Casino Game Clone Scripts, you don't retain your players' funds, enhancing trust and security.

Explore Market-Leading Blockchain Casino Game Clone Scripts:

Our offerings include a wide array of game clones, including slot games, roulette games, dice games, crash games, poker games, and plinko games. These scripts are designed to cater to diverse gaming preferences, ensuring your casino business appeals to a broad audience.

Why Choose Hivelance for Your Blockchain Casino Game Clone Script Needs:

Hivelance has earned its reputation as a renowned Blockchain Casino Game development company. We offer customized solutions, state-of-the-art security measures, and a commitment to transparency, ensuring excellent gameplay. Our dedicated support team ensures the seamless operation of your casino games powered by blockchain technology. When looking for reliable and skilled developers for a blockchain-based casino game clone script, Hivelance is the perfect choice.

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plurancetechnologies · 9 months ago

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Dive into the Crypto Casino Craze: Building Your Own Betfury-like Platform

The world of online gambling is undergoing a seismic shift, with cryptocurrencies taking center stage. Platforms like Betfury are leading the charge, offering a unique blend of classic casino games and innovative crypto features. If you're looking to capitalize on this trend and build your own i-gaming crypto casino, you're in luck! This guide will explore the exciting possibilities and the best approach to crafting a Betfury-inspired platform.

Understanding the Betfury Model

Betfury thrives on its user-centric approach. Players can wager and win using a variety of popular cryptocurrencies, enjoying a vast library of games – from slots and table classics to provably fair in-house titles. But Betfury goes beyond simple gambling. It offers features like:

Staking: Players can earn passive income by staking their crypto holdings.

Free BTC: Daily rewards in Bitcoin keep users engaged and coming back for more.

BGF Token: A native token that fuels the Betfury ecosystem, offering additional benefits and functionalities.

Building Your Dream Crypto Casino

There are two main paths to consider when crafting your Betfury-like platform:

Ground-Up Development: This offers complete control and customization. However, it requires a highly skilled team of blockchain developers, game designers, and security experts. The time and cost involved can be significant.

Betfury Clone Script: This is a pre-built i-gaming crypto casino gaming software solution that replicates the core features and functionalities of existing Betfury. It's a much faster and more cost-effective approach, allowing you to launch your platform quickly.

Why a Betfury Clone Script is Your Best Option?

While ground-up development offers ultimate control, a Betfury Clone Script provides a plethora of advantages:

Reduced Cost and Time to Market: You can get your platform up and running significantly faster, with a cost that's a fraction of custom development.

Scalability and Security: Reputable clone scripts are built with scalability and security in mind, ensuring your platform can handle growth while keeping user data safe.

Customization Options: While the core functionalities are pre-built, you can still customize the script to reflect your unique brand identity and add specific features.

Focus on Marketing and Growth: With the development hurdle cleared, you can dedicate more resources to attracting players and building your user base.

Plurance: Your Trusted Partner in Crypto Casino Development

Plurance is a leading provider of top-notch Betfury Clone Script solutions. Our script boasts all the essential features seen on Betfury, along with the flexibility to integrate your desired functionalities. We offer:

Seamless User Interface: We prioritize a user-friendly interface that keeps players engaged and coming back for more.

Multi-Currency Support: Integrate a wide range of popular cryptocurrencies for a diverse user base.

Provably Fair Games: Ensure transparency and trust with provably fair games that guarantee randomness.

Secure Transactions: Leverage blockchain technology's inherent security for safe and reliable transactions.

24/7 Support: Our dedicated team is always available to assist you with any queries or technical issues.

Conclusion

The crypto casino market is booming, and Betfury is a shining example of its potential. Building your own Betfury-inspired platform can be a lucrative venture. Plurance provides a well-developed Betfury Clone Software with which you can navigate the complexities of development and launch your platform quickly. With a user-centric approach, innovative features, and a focus on security, you can carve your niche into the exciting world of crypto casinos.

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fern-blogs · 2 years ago

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What Is The Cheapest Way To Launch A Betfury Game?

Have an idea to start an own gambling gaming project of your own?

Well, it’s the right time. Building a gambling platform is not as hard as you think. There are some faster market-friendly solutions available for you, to create your project within a limited period of time. Having said this, let’s have a glimpse of the Betfury i-gaming gambling project.

Recap Of Betfury

Betfury is a popular profit-making online gambling gaming platform that promises to deliver A-grade solutions to entertain gamers and all the gaming enthusiasts residing all over the world.

It offers advantages like scaling, min bets and instant transactions, and paltry commission. This Betfury platform has it’s own official token called as “BFG token”.

It is a unique token that offers it’s own features to the users.

1. Gaming 2. Staking 3. Trading 4. Farming 5. Cashback 6. Airdrops and BFG Boxes 7. NFT & GameFi

BFG token is a utility token of the BetFury platform launched on BNB Chain. It can be mined by playing in-house games and slots on BetFury game.

Why Start Betfury Game?

Online gambling is a multi-billion-dollar business. Multiple countries throughout the world have access to it. As cryptocurrencies became popular, different industries started to offer tokens and other cryptos as payment methods.

BetFury is one of the fastest-rising all-in-one online casinos that offers internally developed products and other well-known traditional casino games that promote fair and responsible gambling.

Who Can Support You?

Betfury Clone Script, a ready-to-start solution offered by the developers will support you to start a casino gambling gaming project like Betfury. It contains a source code that comes as a full package enclosed with advanced features and functionalities to launch a gambling game like Betfury. Get in touch with the experts to start a game exactly like Betfury.

Consult with experts! Whatsapp/Phone - +91 9500766617 Skype - live:Tech Innovate

#betfury #betfury clone #betfury clone development #Casino Games #Crypto Casino Gambling #gambling games #casino gambling

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kazwicrypto · 3 years ago

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TFs

Take Your Game To The Next Level TFs Token

introduction

Blockchain technology lives up to its basics, cryptocurrencies live up to the hype, the whole cryptosphere is moving at the right speed and direction. What looks like a clone in 2009, blockchain technology alongside cryptocurrencies is taking the world by storm. From blockchain technology applications to various aspects of life such as the internet of things (IoT), to decentralized finance, crowdfunding and lending, real estate, data markets, non-fungible tokens (NFT) markets, to electric car companies at Tesla that accept and support currencies. featured crypto (bitcoin), for betting and gaming, Casino and Sports as a whole.

Opponents are starting to believe institutions are looking for ways to exploit blockchain technology and cryptocurrencies, wherever Satoshi Nakamoto is, he should be proud. One of the altcoins that was born was the fast-growing Safemoon cash, a type of abandoned cryptocurrency project with an anti-rug withdrawal mechanism to protect investors.

Fairspin online casino platform is the latest leading and established company to integrate blockchain on its platform. Fairspin has an established market of more than 300,000 users and more than 10,000 daily active users to adopt the proposed cryptocurrency which serves as the native currency on the fairspin online casino platform. With a net profit of $4.3 million, fairspin is by far one of the world's leading online casino platforms, and the desire to integrate blockchain on its platform demonstrates the many opportunities that blockchain technology and cryptocurrencies offer.

What is Fairspin?

Fairspin is a leading online casino platform with an established market with over 338,000 users and a daily active user count of over 13,000. Fairspin in partnership with well-known business tokenization company “Trueplay” wants to integrate blockchain on their platform with fairspin online casino platform tokenization to replace the existing loyalty program.

How Fairspin Wants To Integrate Blockchain

In conjunction with Trueplay; a company that helps businesses develop tokens for their businesses. Fairspiin will build and introduce their own token called TFS which will be used to reward users on their platform.

TFS will replace traditional loyalty rewards on the fairspin online casino platform. TFS will provide additional rewards for users as users will get TFS rewards every time they make a trade, stake their tokens on the platform to earn more, and the earned tokens can be converted into cash via the Trueplay widget that will be introduced on the platform.

Fairspin Ecosystem

TrueMining : The actual mining feature allows users to earn TFS tokens every time they place a bet at fairspin online casino. Users can mine more TFS tokens by placing more bets.

TrueStaking : This feature allows users to lock their tokens to help increase platform security in a process known as truestaking and then earn more TFS tokens as rewards depending on the length of time they stake their tokens and up to 37.5% APY.

Trueplay Widget : Widget provides a simple interface for TFS token holders to buy, deposit, transfer or sell their tokens.

Tokenization

The TFS fairspin casino token is a deflationary token built on the ethereum chain and has a fixed supply of only 30,000,000 tokens. The team will introduce monthly buybacks of the token supply and lock it in to further increase token scarcity and in return increase the token price.

TFS will be used as the fairspin casino platform utility token. Moreover, android will serve the purpose of incentivizing the casino platform. TFS will be the fuel that drives fairspin online casinos.

Ticker Token: TFS

Chain: ERC 20

Total Supply: 30,000,000

📷

Tokenomics & Token Allocation

TFS is credited to the user's account as a direct reward after placing a bet TFS Token has a deflationary model component Token tokens are allowed more than 37.5% annual reward

Token mining is allowed TFS tokens can be stored, staked and withdrawn at any time directly with the TruePlay Token Allocation Widget platform

Phase 1 of TFS Distribution will begin with 3 rounds of Private Sale, Pre-Sale and Dutch Auction with a limited supply of 15 million tokens listed for sale.

Token price on each spin will be set at: 0.1$ on Private Round 0.15$ on Pre-Sale Round On Dutch Auction Price starting from 1$ with 0.2$ as reserve price.

Stage 2 Upon completion of the token sale, the pool of 10–20% of tokens sold at auction will be transferred to Uniswap with the final auction price increasing by 50–100%.

Stage 3 The token staking program is unlocked via the FairSpin dashboard where you can store your tokens for profit

Staking Option 1 day — 1% prize pool from FairSpin GGR 3 days — 3% prize pool from FairSpin GGR 7 days — 8% prize pool from

Stage 4 of FairSpin GGR :Token distribution program will be announced with limited emission up to 20% instantly and 2% weekly, which users can claim at any time.

📷

Conclusion TFS is a digital currency that will serve as an alternative payment method within the platform and will open up new opportunities to reward players for actively playing and using TFS tokens within and beyond the boundaries of the platform. Our partnership with TruePlay has helped us mark our loyalty program as well as introduce new features to the platform that will attract new users globally. We are excited to invite you all on this journey with us and lead the way towards the future of Fairspin crypto. I also believe that this project can achieve great success in the future. For more information, visit the link below|

Website: http://tfstoken.com/

Twitter: https : //twitter.com/tfsinfo?s=11 \

medium: https://tfstoken.medium.com/

Telegram Channel: https://t.me/tfstoken_channel

Telegram group: https://t.me/tfstoken_group

by ;kazwii link: https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?action=profile;u=2633305

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plurancetechnologies · 9 months ago

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Stake Clone Script- Ultimate Solution To Build a Stake-Like Crypto Casino Game

In the realm of cryptocurrency, innovation knows no bounds. From decentralized finance to gaming, blockchain technology has revolutionized various sectors, bringing forth new opportunities and experiences. One such innovation that has captured the attention of enthusiasts and entrepreneurs alike is the Stake Clone Script, offering a gateway to create a thrilling crypto casino game akin to the renowned platform, Stake.

Understanding Stake Clone Script

The Stake Clone Script presents a comprehensive solution for individuals and businesses aiming to venture into the world of crypto gambling. With its robust architecture and customizable features, this script empowers developers to create their own version of the popular Stake platform, tailored to their unique vision and requirements.

At its core, the Stake Clone Script encapsulates the essence of provably fair gaming, transparency, and security – the pillars upon which Stake has built its reputation. By leveraging blockchain technology, the script ensures that every transaction and gameplay outcome is immutable and verifiable, fostering trust among players and operators alike.

Crafting Your Crypto Casino Game

With the Stake Clone Script in hand, the possibilities are endless. Whether you envision a traditional dice game, innovative slots, or immersive live casino experiences, the script provides the foundation upon which to build your masterpiece. From game mechanics to visual aesthetics, every aspect can be tailored to align with your brand identity and target audience preferences.

Moreover, the script comes equipped with essential features such as secure payment gateways, user authentication systems, and intuitive admin panels, streamlining the development process and enabling you to focus on delivering a seamless gaming experience.

Embracing Innovation with Plurance

In the competitive landscape of crypto gaming, staying ahead of the curve is paramount. This is where Plurance emerges as the ultimate ally for aspiring entrepreneurs and established enterprises alike. As a leading provider of blockchain solutions, Plurance offers a best-in-class Stake Clone Script, backed by years of expertise and a commitment to excellence.

By choosing Plurance as your technology partner, you gain access to unparalleled support, cutting-edge features, and continuous updates, ensuring that your crypto casino game remains at the forefront of innovation. From initial deployment to ongoing maintenance, Plurance is dedicated to empowering your success every step of the way.

Conclusion: Unlocking Your Crypto Gaming Potential

In conclusion, the Stake Clone Script stands as the ultimate solution for building a Stake-like crypto casino game that captivates audiences and drives engagement. With its robust features, customizable options, and the backing of Plurance, you have all the tools at your disposal to transform your vision into reality.

Embark on your journey into the exciting world of crypto gaming today with Plurance by your side, and unleash the full potential of your casino game creation.

#Stake Clone Script #Stake Clone Software #Stake.Com Clone Script #White Label Stake Clone Script

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gamehayapkmod · 4 years ago

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Around The Town Fruit Machine (Community)

Game Around The Town Fruit Machine (Community) là dòng game Casino

Giới thiệu Around The Town Fruit Machine (Community)

Welcome to the CAshman_eq penny arcade where we step back into our childhoods. Here you will find affectionately remembered and recreated emulations of slot machines that I have both loved and hated from the past. In this case, we are looking at the look and feel simulation of Around The Town by Bell Fruit Games. Around The Town was a popular slot machine of the late 80's and early 90's, frequenting arcades and chip shops up and down the coastal towns of the United Kingdom. If you remember this machine from back in the day, or you just want to see what a proper fruit machine is like (None of this modern deal or no deal clone nonsense) then this is the game for you. But wait... why is this called the Community version, what is so special about the Community version of this slot? As with anytime you enter a fruit machine arcade. Picture the scene, your 14 years old, you're in SkegVegas on the annual family holiday with your parents. Anyway, you finally ditch them at the caravan and head off out into the wild on your own with your hard earnt money in your pocket. You wander into the first arcade, at which point you are presented with dozens of fruit machines all flashing away crying out for you to put your money in them. In this community slot as in the above situation, you have a choice of which machine to play. You select the one you wish to, try a few pound in it see what happens. Carry on if you are happy or move on if you think it's not the one. Once you have finished on the slot Win or Lose that slot in then made available to all other online players. They then pick up from where you left off. Your job is to use your intuition and skill to try and make a profit on my slots in this dog eat dog game. Looking to stake your claim on the title of best fruit machine player in the CAshman_eq universe. This app will require you to set up an account. A username and a pin number are all that is required. Once set up as well as the slots being online so is your account, you can use your credit on any applicable CAshman_eq Community slot that you wish. The game is entirely free to play, playing as much and as often as you like. When you exhaust your credit do not worry you can have some more. The only restriction to this is that you must have an internet connection throughout, the amount of data transmitted is minimal but a good connection is recommended. The management accepts no responsibility for problems caused by holes in you EE 4G coverage (Other networks and providers are available) I hope it brings back good memories for you just like it does for me. Any problems get in touch CAshman_eq • Don't forget to keep your eyes open for the secret 101% mode, this will surely help you assert your authority on the other players. Various Tweaks and improvements

Download APK

Tải APK ([app_filesize]) #gamehayapk #gameandroid #gameapk #gameupdate

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thedungeonra · 7 years ago

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My thoughts on THE LAST JEDI

It’s Christmas Eve-eve and I’m working 2nd shift. It’s finally calmed down a bit so this seems a good time to talk about my difficult relationship with STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI.

I overall dislike the film, both as the 8th episode of the Star Wars Saga/9th film overall in the entire franchise and as a film on its own merit. But there was a lot I liked about the film. A lot I LOVED about the film. Which perhaps makes it more frustrating. Were TLJ as categorically bad as say, HIGHLANDER 2: The one where they’re from the Planet Zeist, I would actually have a much easier time disliking it.

But first, what exactly is my history with Star Wars?

EMPIRE STRIKES BACK was the first film I ever saw in a theater. My older brother took me. I was all of 4. I saw STAR WARS on TV later on and it was not until RETURN OF THE JEDI that I connected the dots that it was the same film. You gotta remember that for my generation, what you call, “Episode IV: A NEW HOPE,” was just STAR WARS to us. I loved ESB. And collected what little merchandise was available in early 80s rural Indiana.

I’ve seen EMPIRE STRIKES BACK more than any other film. I have a son, college-age right now, who grew up with the prequels. We had our various lightsaber battles, and played the video games together and bought the toys. It was great!

I don’t hate the prequels in the en vogue way that GenXers seem to hate them. Jar Jar doesn’t bother me all that much. Nor does Jake Lloyd’s Anakin. I still fire up the DVD from time to time for the Podrace and Darth Maul duels. And Qui-Gon is one of my favorite SW characters.

I really enjoyed ATTACK OF THE CLONES because it feels like Ewan really had fun playing Obi-Wan. And SITH… well… it’s not great. I think the last two minutes of ROGUE ONE makes up a lot for the last two minutes of SITH. It��s the Darth Vader we’ve wanted to see for decades.

And I loved FORCE AWAKENS. I really dig all four new leads. I was bummed that Luke had nothing to do and I felt Han got a really bittersweet ending (as did Harrison Ford finally get the exit he wanted from the franchise). I thought the structural similarities between IV and VII were a feature, not a bug. And I’ve been all for VIII since.

Until. The trailers for VIII began. Something felt… not quite right. And yeah, feel free to insert your, “I feel a great disturbance in the Force) joke here. I couldn’t get excited for anything I was seeing in the trailers.

Even seeing Luke in the cockpit of the Falcon felt like the grapes of Han’s, “Chewie, we’re home” to prunes in my mouth. I assumed Luke would die in this film. And after we lost Carrie Fisher much too soon, it was hard accepting that IX would be without Luke, Han and Leia. I waited for the crowds to thin a bit and saw TLJ on Tuesday after opening weekend. 70mm IMAX at the Indiana State Museum, if knowing that of trivia is fun for you.

Now, then. I’m not a film critic and this is not a film review. I’m just a middle aged Star Wars lover and film nerd.

But before we get into what I disliked about it, let’s start off on a positive note! Firstly, I do understand and respect that Rian Johnson had essentially 4 basic audiences for this film, none of whom view Star Wars the same way. Baby Boomers what saw STAR WARS in college; we GenXers what grew up with the movies; Millennials who grew up with the Preqs; and kids today whose first Star Wars theater experience was THE FORCE AWAKENS. That’s a heavy burden and if anything, I feel like they failed in trying to appease to these 4 quadrants of the fandom.

I loved the opening battle sequence. It’s maybe the best star war in Star Wars. It looks and sounds great. There is great conflict and drama. It has this amazing gut punch with the last bomber. Just superb.

I still really just love the four new leads. Those are all rich characters.

I’ve seen a lot of people grousing about Rose and specifically, the entire casino sub-plot. Rose was great! In a movie where people are all over the place on the emotional spectrum, Rose felt like really the only person whose emotional responses actually made sense in their given contexts. And she delivers the theme of the film at the end, which I did enjoy.

And the space casino heist? Are you kidding me? James Bond in space. Loved it. I felt the animal cruelty and slavery beats a bit too on the nose, but that’s just a taste thing. I think my very first reaction on the twitters was something to the effect of, “a great space casino heist film wrapped in a shitty Star Wars story.” Beneicio Del Toro was certainly memorable. I thought they were teasing a new Han Solo-ish scoundrel but instead, he’s this great foil to Finn. I DJ shows back up again either in IX or in Rian Johnson’s spinoff films.

My only real quibble with the casino scene was that Justin Theroux’s high stakes gambler/slicers should have been Lando, right? You can’t put Billy Dee Williams at a Sabacc table for 30 seconds? Also seeing how the owner of the ship DJ stole sells to the Resistance and the 1st Order, having him still Lando’s ship would have been a nice touch. In the absence of the Rebellion and Han, Lando is not the best version of his self. Anyway, I’m not here to write a different movie.

I also really liked Laura Dern’s Admiral Holdo and I enjoyed how she shut down Poe’s mansplaining. I don’t understand some of the choices made with Holdo, but more on that in a bit. Holdo crashing the Mon Cal cruiser into the 1st Order fleet while at lightspeed was insanely cool. That’s the stuff we only ever imagined in the old Star Wars RPG; never thought I’d see something like that on screen.

Didn’t mind the Yoda cameo. Don’t understand people who say, “bro, that should have been Obi-Wan, bro.” I don’t agree, but whatever. Yoda seemed perfect to me.

I don’t think it’s the best lightsaber fight in Star Wars, but seeing Kylo Ren and Rey fight together was really cool. Was great to see the combat training the actors have done get a few minutes to shine.

BB-8. Big fan. I don’t understand why BB-8 didn’t get a moment to take out BB-9e while in that 1st Order Chicken Walker. Would have been a quick scene and very satisfying. Oh well.

The big ground assault on the rebel base at the end was great. That’s the ground battle I expected from the trailer of ROGUE ONE that didn’t seem to be in the movie. I wonder if there’s a connection?

All of the performances were superb. Carrie Fisher especially.

The film was a series of several, often disconnected moments, that I thought were really good.

Now the bad stuff. I find it insanely annoying and not a little condescending to allege that people who do not like THE LAST JEDI are obsessive fanboys who cannot let go of the past. Or that we don’t understand the goals and themes of the film. I get it. Conceptually, I’m on board. I’m VERY ready for the formula of STAR WARS to be reinvented. I don’t need to see rehashes of Sith vs Jedi, Empire vs Rebellion, Skywalker vs Skywalker. It’s tired. I know. Dudes wanna fly off half-cocked into conflict when they should listen to the counsel of wiser women. I KNOW.

Just… be good at doing those things.

So here’s what I hated:

The film doesn’t actually move the story forward. The movie ends with the same status quo as the beginning:

the 1st Order has the New Republic Resistance on the ropes and is assaulting their base.

Rey doesn’t have a teacher.

The 1st Order is exactly as effective with Snoke cut into pieces as it was when he was alive.

The Resistance is exactly as effective when a demoted Commander leads a mutiny against a Vice Admiral as it was with General Leia in charge.

This film sets on fires many dangling plot points set-up by JJ in VII only to return the story to the same position.

And so on. You get it. It’s the illusion of change.

I hated every scene with Luke Skywalker. Man, just one huge bummer after another. And again, conceptually, I can by that he’s at least a Grey Jedi now and believes both the Sith and Jedi are wrong in the possessive perspectives on the Force. I can buy that he went off to Ach-To to cut himself off from the Force and die. I can buy that he, in a moment of weakness, could not figure out how to save Ben Solo from the Dark Side and was tempted himself to take the quick and easy path. He did, after all, cut Darth Vader’s hand off in the Death Star II Throne room.

But all of those things were executed in a clumsy way that seemed to have little regard for the character. It was a gigantic bummer. Would have also been nice if someone had bothered to tell Luke that his best friend died at the hands of his own son. Maybe that’s what Chewie told him? Or Artoo? But I dunno. It’s not clear and they gave Mark Hamill nothing to work with in those moments.

I absolutely hated his hero moment at the end. Why set up Old Logan Luke who doesn’t want to face down the entire 1st Order with a laser sword in the 1st Act if he does it but not really in the 3rd Act? There’s a wishy-washy desire to have things both ways in this film that drives me nuts.

Also, Luke on Denouement Planet was the clunkiest “misdirect” of the entire film. I’ve only seen the film once and at my first viewing, it was obvious to me that this was not actually Luke.

A) We’ve just seen three different flashbacks of Jedi Master Luke from his New Jedi Academy days after RotJ. And Denouement Luke looks exactly like Jedi Master Luke and not the Wild Man of Borneo from the first two Acts.

B) the movie makes a big deal of showing us that the slightest disturbance to the surface crust of that salt pan will reveal the red dust underneath (which was a rad visual element). And when Kylo Ren sets his foot in Sith Action Pose, we see the red underneath. Whereas Luke is clearly NOT disrupting anything.

C) How dumb is Kylo Ren that even though he just destroyed Anakin Skywalker’s blue lightsaber 10 minutes before landing, Luke is somehow wielding it? I think there’s an argument to be made that Luke intentionally chooses a younger visage of himself (of the last time Ben Solo saw him) and is also using his own legacy against him (Anakin’s lightsaber) to put him off balance. But the film does not convey this.

All combined, these three elements rob all the underlying drama tension from that conflict because it’s obvious he isn’t there.

The dialogue was troublesome for me. I legit sat there, stunned, at the end looking for a Diablo Cody writing credit. Remember how I loved the opening battle? Everything but that bit with Poe and Hux. It was funny the first time. The, “Holding for Hux” part after Hux did his nefarious monologue. But they kept hitting that same beat. Over and over. I would have not batted an eye had Poe called Hux, “homeslice” in that moment. Thus, Diablo Cody.

Also, Snoke’s “spunk.” line. Lolwut? Though I had a chuckle and thought to myself, “… and wriggling” after Andy Serkis said, “raw.”

Why do they keep wasting Gwendoline Christie as Phasma? Have they not seen GAME OF THRONES? Are they unaware of the jewel in their crown?

The editing. This film needs a good once-over to trim about 20 minutes out. Do we need to see Luke milking a Watto-Cow or spearfishing? Did we need to see Luke’s X-Wing parked underwater when it’s just an unnecessary head-fake? As much as I did enjoy the casino bit, it felt over-stuffed.

The wishy-washiness. Oh man. This is the ultimate dealbreaker for me. Look, I don’t mind Rey is the daughter of a couple Trump voters from Jakku with no connection to the Skywalkers. The scene where Kylo Ren tells her, “You don’t even belong here. No one cares about you but me.” is fantastic. I loved it. I love their relationship and I hope to all the cinema gods they stick to their guns and don’t reveal that Ben and Rey are just Jacen and Jaina Solo lite.

Don’t waste our precious film time in VII making a huge mystery deal out of who Rey is and who her parents are in VII just to reveal in VIII that she’s nobody from nowhere one-hundredth of her name. And don’t especially get pissy at me because I’m frustrated that you wasted my time on a non-mysterious mystery. That’s false drama, breh. And a really hacky way to “deconstruct” a story.

If you’re going to really deconstruct what we know about this story and these characters, then do it. “Flip you. Flip you, for real.” Don’t try to have your space cake and eat it too.

Luke is done with this mess and isn’t going to show up and play the hero. Until he does. But not really.

Kylo Ren has good in him, but not really.

Rey has darkness in her, but not really.

Now, this is not the same thing as a character arc. I don’t lump this in with Poe being a brash self-centered pilot at the beginning but a real leader by the end. I’m for that.

I’m talking about if LAST JEDI were broken into numerical values, for every 1 there is a -1 and the story of the movie feels like a sum of 0.

Now, there are a lot of nitpicky things I’ve shared with the people in my life (most of whom are glad I’ve turned my focus to the internet). Like, “what’s the deal with Snoke? Who is he and what does he want?” That’s just subjective, “season-to-taste” stuff that grates on me but I don’t feel objectively bad. “Who is Snoke and what does he want?” was not a focal point of the previous film.

Samey-same with Holdo not sharing her plan. Finn’s plan actually not accomplishing anything. If they knew they were being tracked and had two jumps left and a 6 minute window, why not prepare the transports, jump the old rebel base, unload the transport and jump again in 5 minutes? That kind of thing. You know, things people call, “plot holes” on the internet that are not actually plot holes.

Leia Force Flying through space after the bridge exploded. Just looked dumb. If there was any excuse for Leia to bust out a lightsaber, this was the moment. That would have been choice. Tangential to this: the unceremonious death of Admiral Ackbar.

But those are digressions.

I would probably like this story much more if it were the last half of FORCE AWAKENS rather than a movie all unto itself.

That said, I think this petition to remove TLJ from the canon of SW films is idiotic. This film is going to make a billion dollars by New Years and Disney appears to be giving Rian Johnson his own spinoff franchise. So yeah, this movie isn’t going anywhere.

I also think its real low class to jump on twitter and be a raging dickmunch to Rian Johnson. I’ll never understand why people punish creators for being easily accessible. Or to people who loved the movie. I’m not here to convince you that you shouldn’t love THE LAST JEDI or tell you you’re a dumb-dumb if you did. I simply find it difficult to like for Star Wars movie reasons and movie-movie reasons.

I actually look forward to Johnson’s spinoff film because he seems much more comfortable with new characters. I think he’s a person like Zahn who will add a lot of new hated and loved characters. But unlike Zahn, I don’t think he has a steady hand with legacy characters.

So that’s it. 6 pages on a Word document later (assuming you stuck around). Feel free to hit me back on the twitterbox to tell me how both right and wrong I am!

May the Force be something or other. But probably not.

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