#CW: Long Post
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janearts · 1 year ago
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Roisia in her original Divinity: Original Sin build was a witch and witchcraft spells are a combination of D&D's Necromancy + Enchantment schools. I replicated that in-game and had a think about the… complications that might arise when Astarion realises that this unassuming woman has also been a bit of a deft hand at persuading, deceiving, and manipulating her targets too.
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zhouyes · 1 year ago
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you briefly get a taste of what you desire. then isn't death, a worthy price to pay?
BYEON WOOSEOK as RYU SHIOH
strong girl nam soon, 힘쎈여자 강남순.
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paperlignes · 1 year ago
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nandor the relentless and guillermo de la cruz from what we do in the shadows (2019-) / spotify playlist
special thanks to @badgerswake for helping out with the songs <3
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svtcheers · 2 years ago
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JEONGHAN   ✶  NOT ALONE M/V ( 2021 )
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theycallme-thejackal · 1 year ago
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❝ It just seemed so obvious that I loved him. That I was in love with him. ❞ ❝ How could I be around Daisy Jones and not be mesmerized by her? Not fall in love with her? ❞
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tinytowns · 2 years ago
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SANA ✧ OPENING TRAILER
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king-and-his-consorts · 2 months ago
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Need to get a little something off my chest.
I am currently avoiding twitter because lots of people seem to be at each other's throats currently. One of those topics discussed is Sanji's "betrayal" in WCI. WCI is a favorite topic of mine so I figured I'd share some quick thoughts on this.
I always see people say things like "why didn't Sanji trust Luffy?" "Why did he attack him?" "Why didn't Sanji just leave with Luffy?" etc.
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We're just going to get the "Why didn't Sanji just leave with Luffy?" out of the way first.
Answer: Sanji was being threatened with the promise of harm coming to Zeff (and others). Sanji knows that Germa has incredible reach. For all Sanji knows, they could have Zeff just in the dungeon right that second. He can't take that kind of chance because he has no definitive answers on the health and security of any of his loved ones. It would destroy him if he let Zeff come to harm. Also, I'm sure he's thinking that Luffy would be disappointed if he threw a loved one under the bus to save his own skin.
Next: "why didn't Sanji trust Luffy?" and "Why did he attack him?"
Answer: The answer to these are deeply intertwined.
Sanji and Luffy canonly have an extremely close relationship. They're very affectionate towards each other. They share a deep, passionate bond. The trust expressed between them time and time again cannot be denied. So, you see, Sanji did trust Luffy. He trusted Luffy to act as Luffy does.
The thing to remember is, Luffy is extremely possessive and territorial as well as headstrong and foolhardy. Sanji is his. Both he and Sanji know that he will stop at nothing to regain what is considered his. Knowing this, Sanji had to try whatever pitiful means he had to make Luffy not want him anymore. Verbal and physical violence were the only tools Sanji had available to try and get Luffy to drop his possessive mindset.
Verbally and physically attack Luffy were Sanji's last ditch effort to get Luffy to turn his nose up and leave. I believe that by saying mutinous things and attacking his captain, he was trying to simulate the conditions that caused Luffy to turn on Usopp in Water 7.
Why would he want this, you ask?
The answer is actually Robin in Enis Lobby.
Sanji knows Luffy. Sanji was there when Luffy literally declared war on the World Government in order to get Robin back. Sanji knows that Luffy still has the foolhardy conviction to declare war again.
The problem is that this time he would be declaring war on both Germa and the Big Mom pirates.
Half the crew is literally on their way to fight a war against Kaido at that very moment. If Sanji lets himself be rescued then his captain will have started a war with two yonko and a deranged warmonger all at the same fucking time. The thought of that has got to be frightening, especially in Sanji's currently extremely traumatized state of being. He can't handle the idea of his crew being murdered by three incredibly strong factions. So, Sanji does what he always does.
Sacrifice himself.
Sacrificing himself to a life of misery and loneliness. Sacrificing himself to an existence of his nakama hating and resenting him. Sacrificing himself to eternal guilt and agony that he attacked and betrayed those he loves most in this world.
Unfortunately, I believe that Sanji has not realized how much Luffy's logic and ability to read his crew has drastically increased. Luffy read him like a fucking book and refused to fall for Sanji's game. All it did was tighten Luffy's grip on Sanji's metaphorical leash. Luffy is incredibly selfish. He wasn't letting go of what was his and that was devastating to Sanji because now he has to live with the memories of beating the shit out of his captain and the fear for his nakama's safety.
___
Anyway, that is my personal view of Sanji's headspace in WCI. It's a very deep and drawn out topic but I don't have the spoons to expand further. sorry.
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kyokosasagawa · 1 year ago
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conspiracy theory
katekyo hitman reborn is inspired by buddhism in the same way houseki no kuni is and the ending is a cop out, sure, but its a inspired one.
(disclaimer: im not a buddhist)
we already know about mukuros bullshit. we're going to ignore him. throw him to the curb for now. we'll get back to him.
no, specifically i'm talking about the tri-ni-sette.
we know that seven is a significant number in KHR. I think it's not just because of the rainbow having seven colors in it.
i think its because of the lotus sutra.
in buddhism, there's a scripture called the lotus sutra. in the lotus sutra, there's seven treasures mentioned. they're gold, silver, lapis lazuli, seashell, agate, pearl, and carnelian.
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its in black and white and looks like generic gemstones, but then you notice the fucking pearl. and we all know who the the seashell is---we don't even have to mention it.
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"aight so you think the gemstones correlate to some buddhist gemstones. what else?"
I think all of serious!khr is inspired by the lotus sutra, actually!
specifically starting in the kokuyo arc, we're introduced to the six paths of reincarnation. mukuro introduces the concept of buddhism into the KHR world, to the possibility that its real.
"The Six Paths[1] in Buddhist cosmology[2] are the six worlds where sentient beings are reincarnated based on their karma, "
but more importantly, there's more to this!
in the lotus sutra they talk about something very funny!
"From the depths of the Avīci Hell Up to the summit of existence, The ray of light from between his eyebrows Illuminates the eighteen thousand worlds, Which shimmer like gold, And, throughout all these worlds, The births and deaths of the living beings Of the six transmigratory states of existence, And the good and bad deeds, Through which they have received Good and bad consequences, Are all to be seen from here."
it talks about the ray of light from between his eyebrows, which shimmer like gold
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it talks about the six transmigratory states of existence
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Notice the concept of "being reborn up or down the scale"
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it talks about consequence, which we see constantly in the KHR-verse. especially with the Shimon family, including Enma, who is named after the King of Hell---including the Avīci Hell.
"The buddhas, the Sage Lord (Narendrasiṃhā), Who teach the subtle and supreme sutra Are also seen. Uttering soft sounds With their pure voices, They teach innumerable myriads Of koṭis of bodhisattvas. With their voices, deep and enticing Like the sounds of Brahma They make the people eager to hear them.
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O Mañjuśrī, Heir of the Buddhas! We entreat you to rid us of our confusion! The fourfold assembly is joyfully Looking up at you and me. Why did the Bhagavat emit this ray of light? O Heir of the Buddhas, now answer! Resolve our confusion and gladden us! Why is he emitting this ray of light?
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"Will the Buddha teach us the True Dharma That he obtained while he sat On the terrace of enlightenment (bodhimaṇḍa)? Will he predict enlightenment to us? It is not for a trifling reason That all the buddha lands, ornamented With various jewels, And all the buddhas have been made visible. O Mañjuśrī! You should know that the fourfold assembly, Nāgas, and devas, Look forward to hearing What you shall reveal.”
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with that, peace out and chaossu.
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elliott-the-creature · 6 months ago
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Cw: long post, (maybe) not screen reader friendly.
Tw: mentions of abuse, upsetting scenarios, self harm.
Shoutout to the low support needs autistics
Shoutout to the medium support needs autistics
Shoutout to the high support needs autistics
Shoutout to fluctuating support needs autistics
Shoutout to the hyperverbal autistics
Shoutout to the verbal autistics
Shoutout to the semiverbal autistics
Shoutout to the nonverbal autistics
Shoutout to verbal autistics with temporary verbal shutdowns
Shoutout to autistics who use verbal language
Shoutout to autistics who use aac, sign language, communication cards, or any nonverbal language
Shoutout to autistics who use none of these
Shoutout to autistics with tons of special interests
Shoutout to autistics with very little special interests
Shoutout to autistics with no special interests
Shoutout to autistics with high empathy
Shoutout to autistics with low/no empathy
Shoutout to autistics with fluctuating empathy
Shoutout to autistics who struggle with socialization
Shoutout to autistics with social phobias
Shoutout to autistics who are super social and outgoing
Shoutout to sensory seeking/hyposensitive autistics
Shoutout to sensory avoidant/hypersensitive autistics
Shoutout to “walking stereotype” autistics
Shoutout to autistics who don’t match the characteristics of autism
Shoutout to autistics who can mask/mask easily
Shoutout to autistics who cannot/will not mask
Shoutout to autistics in abusive/neglectful situations/homelives
Shoutout to autistics in loving/accepting situations/homelives
Shoutout to autistics who have obvious stims
Shoutout to autistics who have minute stims
Shoutout to autistics with harmful stims
Shoutout to autistics who are/will be able to live alone and independently
Shoutout to autistics who may never be able to live alone and need a caregiver
Shoutout to autistics with support animals
Shoutout to autistics who are formally diagnosed
Shoutout to autistics who are self diagnosed
Shoutout to autistics who may never get a diagnosis
Shoutout to autistics who are misdiagnosed
Shoutout to autistics with tons of comorbidities
Shoutout to autistics with very little comorbidities
Shoutout to physically disabled autistics
Shoutout to athletic and/or hypermobile autistics
Shoutout to autistic savants and/or “intelligent” autistics
Shoutout to autistics with intellectual disabilities
Shoutout to autistic systems
Shoutout to autistic alterhumans
Shoutout to delusional autistics
Shoutout to autistics who are seen as meek and/or submissive
Shoutout to autistics who are seen as aggressive and/or complaining
Shoutout to autistics who don’t struggle with executive dysfunction
Shoutout to autistics who struggle with executive dysfunction
Shoutout to queer autistics; whoever you may be or identify as
Shoutout to cishet and allosexual/romantic autistics
Shoutout to autistics who are of any age; whether you be a kid, teenager, young adult, middle aged, or elderly
Shoutout to autistic PoC
Shoutout to all the autistics; no matter who you may be, you are valid.
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exorcismist · 2 years ago
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fuck canon, embrace headcanon
(long post, sorry!!!)
Besides her fear of commitment, Spy ran off when Scout was born because she had recently discovered that she was transgender. She didn't know if Scout's mom (im gonna use my hc name for her from here on out— Julie/Julianna) would be approving and didn't want to hurt Julie because she knew she probably wouldn't love her anymore (newsflash, she still would). Spy knew she deserved better, so she ran, but she never really went far. She simply moved to New York (Albany— or Salem, i like that better), where she could still keep an eye on them.
Of course, she traveled all the time for her assassination jobs, but every now and then she would visit Boston, walking down the street of their home in a different disguise each time. She did get to watch Scout grow up, but from afar. It hurt her every time she saw him alone. There were a couple of times she came by later at night (just to see if Julie had moved on to a new man), and saw her precious Jérémy sitting in the backyard all alone. In those moments, she wanted nothing more than to run up and embrace him, but she couldn't.
^^ (That could have been a reason she said, "You're stronger than you'll ever know, Jeremy," in the comics. She knew some of what he had been through by those check-ins.)
She was already working for Red a little before Scout was, and she begged Pauling to get him in discreetly. By the luck of whatever god was up there, it worked. It was her first time seeing her son face to face since he was just a baby, but she couldn't find it in her to tell him. She never could.
She did (eventually) reach back out to Julie, showing up at her doorstep one night and apologizing profusely. She had drunk a bit before she came, maybe a little more than she should have. Spy just had to dull the pain or she might die just looking into Julie's eyes. Julianna was rightfully upset, but she could see that Spy was genuinely distraught. She asked her to come inside and talk, as the boys weren't home then. Spy explained everything, leaving out the bits about who she really was, though she hinted at it here and there, but was too scared.
Julie saw right through that. She understood her immediately. Spy nearly exploded into tears when Julie told her that she would love her no matter who she was. She cried in Julianna's arms harder than she had ever cried before. Julie could also see that she was clearly a little drunk, and she didn't want to leave her alone in this kind of state, so she let her stay the night.
Even after that, Spy made Julie promise not to tell Jeremy. She had to be the one to tell him face to face, and she knew that. Spy held it off for years; she was terrified of how Scout would react. Would he be angry? God, she hoped not. Then they were fired, and she was so, so upset. It hurt her, God, why had she held off for so long? Now, what if she never got to tell him?
The comics took place (even though comic 7 doesn't exist, shhh), and once everything went back to "normal", she told him. Actually told him.
How Scout took it is up to interpretation. I have so many different ideas I couldn’t possibly explain them all (most of them are sooooo angsty btw. hurt no comfort type angst.)
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cyber-corp · 1 year ago
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Suburban music videos: What's the deal?
Some of you may know that a couple of days ago I started a playlist of music videos from the 1990s and 2000s which all seem to be featured in or prominently feature American suburban areas. I forget what the actual post was that pointed this out, but I think I kind of had that idea before I saw it.
One of the first music videos I thought of was 'Rockin' the Suburbs' by Ben Folds from 2001, because not only does it explicitly mention a suburb, but the video is done in such a way that I think it was meant to poke fun at the angry white boy music that plagued the late 90's (Limp Bizkit, Korn, etc).
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The other video I thought of was 'Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)' by the Offspring from 1998. Like RTS, it's meant to poke fun at middle-class white dudes who think they're hot shit because they listen to rap, when in reality they come off as cheesy wannabes. So it would make sense for the MV to have that setting.
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The main trope these MVs have in common is that they both have the "haha 90s ironic edge" on them. Like it's very obvious that the songs are about how tough some dudes think they are, when really they live in a relatively safe and secure area. "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden did something similar in 1994, but I think that it has a completely different vibe to the others. More surrealism, less irony.
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But I think the true golden era of the "suburban neighbourhood music video" was during the early to mid-2000's. With a rise in pop-punk and emo, comes a rise in angsty teens going "blehh!!! screw this place!!!! screw the establishment!!!!!! its not a phase mom!!!!!!", which then resulted in music videos featuring an environment they were probably most familiar with (and probably stuck in).
Here's '1985' by Bowling for Soup, released in 2004. The colour palette for this video is a lot more muted, which is (I find) a common link between most MVs in the 00's. Which gives a more "this is the way things actually are" vibe, compared to the much brighter palettes of the 90s.
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'The Anthem' by Good Charlotte (2003) is quite possibly the most early-00's MV ever, and I consider it to be the definitive suburban neighbourhood music video. The song is about "not living the way you're meant to live" according to Joel Madden, and the video reflects that sentiment! Just a bunch of punk and emo kids going out and causing a ruckus, having a gay ol' time.
It also has this weird blue/greenish filter on it, which is very indicative of its period. That's a whole other story.
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The suburban neighbourhood continued to thrive in music videos throughout the 00's, mainly in pop-punk and emo. I believe this was an attempt to target its demographic; adolescents aged 14-19 who had yet to find their place in the world. Some notable MVs include 'You're Going Down' by Sick Puppies (2009), 'Only One' by Yellowcard (2003), and 'Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground' by the White Stripes (2002).
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(side-note: michel gondry, director of the white stripes vid, never misses when it comes to his music videos. this is one of my favourite music videos ever, but it definitely isn't one of my favourite suburban music videos ever.)
SNMVs began to go out of style around the early 2010s, presumably along with pop punk and emo. The closest to it would be 'I Sold My Bed, But Not My Stereo' by Capital Cities, which came out in 2014. It's very much of a more nostalgic style compared to the others, but it's most likely one of the last of the SNMVs.
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So: Does this specific sub-genre of MV mean anything?
I think individually the videos definitely represent and reflect certain zeitgeists of their eras, but the SNMV is very much rooted in adolescent angst. That feeling that while you are living comfortably, there's definitely something more. Boredom is present in every teenager, and these videos are like a fantasy for them: getting to live out your days without responsibility with your friends, but are suppressed of having any fun because of the 'system' at large.
"Let me tell y'all what it's like
Being male, middle class and white"
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(also i think all star is partially responsible for the rise of interest because of course it is. it's all star by smash mouth. mentioning its very existence feels redundant.)
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janearts · 10 months ago
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Cazador was a disappointing Act III villain for me. He looked a little too much like a poor man's Strahd for my tastes, and I wanted to play around with a design that ran in the opposite direction. Although, that being said, in this reimagining he does take a page out of Strahd's book: I wanted him to be more suave, composed, and self-assured enough to be willing to chat, like a cat that wants to play with its scampering food.
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zhouyes · 1 year ago
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the word freedom is too extravagant.
YU SHUXIN as YUN WEISHAN
my journey to you, 云之羽.
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lixenn · 1 month ago
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friendship & lost for chief ♡ equal attention! hehe
Slowly but surely I'm wading through my inbox...
Thank you so much for sending some in for Chief, Jojo! Lovely having you here 💜✨🥹
Putting the answers under a cut because it kind of got super long OTL
Friendship
What's your OC like as a friend?
Dan as a friend is pure contradiction. He will worry about you and nag and patch you up if you get hurt (Dan is majorly mumfriend coded) but he will also roast you to hell and back. Lots of banter and sarcasm involved in a friendship with Chief. Dan is also loyal and quite possessive of his friends, he doesn't really have that many because he's introverted but the friends he does have, he treasures greatly. So if someone hurts them, he is ready to wreck some shit in response. Besides that Dan is more of a listener than a talker, so he will let his friends ramble about stuff they like and just... sit with them and enjoy hearing their voice. Dan as a friend is reliable too. He's the kinda guy that will be at your doorstep at 3 am just because you called him and said you needed help, he will be grumpy if you woke him up thought but he will still be there.
How are they at making new friends?
Making new friends? No thanks, he's fine with those he has. Dan has a lot of rizz but it's best enjoyed from afar because getting close to him can be tricky. Blunt. Rude. Bossy. Scary. Grumpy. All words that fit Dan to a certain degree and it makes approaching him difficult to say the least. Naturally he doesn't seek out new people by himself unless there's an outside motivation pushing him into it, so making new friends isn't really on the table unless someone else takes the first step. And you need a certain type of stubborness or lack of fucks to give to dig deep through Dan's prickly shell and find the gooey marshmallow center. Not everyone is up for that kind of effort which means that Dan's friend count stays low (not that he minds that lmao).
What are the most important friendships in your OC's life?
Dave The day when Dan realised that the gremlin is probably his best friend was the day he locked himself in his room for a day and got black out drunk. What has the world come to? Didn't he use to have standards? Whatever happened to those? *insert even more nonsensical ramblings here* Tbh Chief and Dave's relationship is more complicated than mere friendship, it's this mixture of friends/colleagues/weird family it's not someting that can really be defined. But fact is both of them really care about each other even if the two of them would never admit it in front of anyone unless circumstances are really dire.
Valerie Dear Val kept Dan sane in his early Varia days. He appreciates her logical mind and her humour. He also still approaches her when he needs advice, be it professional or personal, Val is a well of wisdom. Her feud with Dave also gets a couple laughs out of him, it's very entertaining to watch.
Vlasta As mentioned in his profile, Dan and Vlasta are tired deadpan nature buddies. Dan loves all things plant and Vlasta's job is literally plants so this friendship was built on that. While some of Vlasta's escapades really wear on his patience, Dan still consider them a close friend (but can they please stop asking after his sex life? would be appreciated, thanks).
Squalo Not touching the romance, Squalo was first and foremost Dan's friend. It started off as a work relationship but he quickly got fond of the shark even though his eardrums suffer from the lack of volume control. Their friendship was forged in the fires of Varia's insanity and they often rely on each other to keep themselves afloat.
Loss:
Is there anyone important to your OC who has passed away? How did they handle the loss?
Dan has been spared from major loss (or has he?) but in a way he's still familiar with the feeling even though it's on a different... let's say scale. Nobody he was close with has died but he experiences loss on a regular basis simply because of the nature of his job. It's the Varia. People die. Even when they are never supposed to fight. And he understands this but deep down each death, each report that lands on his desk... chips away at his walls, puts a scratch on his heart. Because Chief cares. He might not be close to them, he might just only know their names (because he learns all their names) but even so they were still under his care and in a way he failed them. And that hurts. He doesn't really cope with that as much as he puts it away into a box and throws said box back into the depth of his mind. Compartimentalization for the win!
oc ask: relationship edition
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whtwclf · 1 year ago
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I never thought I would have to say this out loud, but here we fucking are I guess— so whoever needs to hear this:
Wade Wilson has never been and never will be a goddamn Nazi.
If you or someone you know is dropping into inboxes on anon and accusing people writing Wade Wilson of being racist and/or Nazis - well friends, let’s unpack that shall we?
Let’s first address the comic run with which is being referenced here, and that’s the Hydra Cap run. This is a run wherein through some nonsensical Cosmic Cube related shit [[ you can read a bit about that here ]] where Wade is more or less manipulated by who he thinks is Steve Rogers/Captain America into essentially doing shit that does or ends up benefiting Hydra schemes. I’m hazy on it because it was a shit run that nearly the whole of 616 fans REVILED, by a HUGE margin, and that’s my point the first - as a fandom we mostly rejected that whole storyline. As much as we refuse to believe that Wanda and Pietro aren’t Magneto’s children, almost any 616er does not recognize huge portions of that run.
MY POINT THE MFING SECOND—
Is even if they did by into that run;
Wade Wilson acting on what he believes is on the behest of Captain America a Nazi does not make him, no more than Steve is a Nazi for a clone hydra made of him or no more than mcu Bucky Barnes being made a slave to Hydra machinations.
So if you have a shit understanding or knowledge of the works and comics you speak of and are so lazy you can’t be bothered to do an iota of research and instead fucking CHOOSE to slander people on anon and tell them to kill themselves - then you can kindly block me and get fucked. This isn’t a debate on the character of Wade Wilson. He’s a good guy. He’s the best fucking guy. He loves everyone and judges no one unless they seek to do harm to someone who doesn’t deserve it. And if you would rather CHOOSE to ignore the heroism written into that character, CHOOSE to ignore the importance he holds to people of all colors and faiths and races and communities and cultures and genders, in favor of being a juvenile little shit bag? Then have you stopped to consider, just even by a margin, what a disgusting ASSHOLE that makes YOU? Have you?
Have you considered that this performative purity bullshit impresses no one anymore? That you’re KILLING this community with this shit? You must because you’re harassing people on anon, where it use to be the rule you could do that in the open with impunity? Not quite that anymore though, is it? Because everyone is the fuck over it. You’re a joke anymore who helps no one and proves nothing.
So in summation;
Hydra Cap sucks. So does that run. Nazis are the worst shit.
And most importantly?
Wade Wilson is a fucking hero.
I said what I said.
✌️
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wastheheart · 7 months ago
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Okay, so Esme's relationship with womanhood has been complicated and confusing her entire life. As a child, she was very much tom-boyish; she worked on the farm and cares little for her appearance beyond looking respectable for school or church. After all, it's not like farming was a clean, clinical life. As a kid, it didn't matter so much that she was often found in wellies with mud caked clothes.
As she got into her teen years, her mother started pressuring her to dress and behave more lady-like so to attract potential suitors, but Esme wasn't interested.
She had made up her mind— to go west and become a teacher. If it was one thing she loved as equally as the outdoors, it was knowledge. Accidentally rebellious, not deliberately so. This theme would follow her into her marriage with Charles.
Keeping a home didn't come unnaturally to her. After all, she'd been helping her mother do such her entire childhood, but being a homemaker and wife did not come as easily to her as manual labour and reading books. It also didn't help that her presentation of womanhood, despite her mother's coaching, was not adequate for Charles; he made sure she knew that. Esme's instinct to bite back was gradually beaten out of her. The role of subservient wife sculpted by Charles' hands.
Falling pregnant with her son came unexpectedly, both physically and mentally. As much as she wished to teach, Esme hadn't considered herself a mother, at least in these circumstances. In fact, motherhood hadn't really been on her cards at all. Just another way she felt as if she was being a woman all wrong.
Once away from Charles and able to process the situation, Esme gradually became more excited about the prospect of becoming a mother whilst simultaneously doing the job she loved. In fact, teaching really helped nurture her maternal instinct. After losing her baby, Esme's womanhood once again came under scrutiny. Was there something wrong with her? Was she not good enough to be able to do what everyone assumes women should be able to?
The loss in identity and capabilities accompanied by grief is what tipped her over the edge.
Awakening as a vampire, Esme felt a freedom she had never known— freedom from expectation. Perceived "womanness" was a human trait and unimportant to their kind, although her coven's lifestyle choices meant still adhering to these unspoken rules when around humans.
The only moment her sense of womanhood was abruptly questioned was the events of Bella's pregnancy. Despite grieving her human child and wishing she could have something similar with Carlisle, she had made peace with the fact their bodies as a species became infertile. Learning that the infertility was one-sided really began to mess with Esme's head, especially since the ability to bear children as a human ended in tragedy too.
This basic ability women (of most species) were supposed to have, started causing her to reflect heavily on her self worth, especially in Carlisle's eyes. Did he think less of her because she couldn't give him what Bella had given Edward?
Despite having always believed women are more than their bodily functions, Esme clearly hadn't applied it to herself which only became obvious during the events of Breaking Dawn. Whatever her mother and Charles had drilled into her had been done to such an extent that, even a century and a transformation later, it remained deep-rooted in her.
However, it's another reason that she is so vehemently against the question "what is a w.oman?" and the idea that women are definable by b.iological essentialism.
Esme may look like a "woman", but for those who define womanhood by the ability to bear children, then what does that inability make her? She may outwardly appear as a "woman", but when Carlisle changed her, he altered her DNA too (presuming her c.hromosomes were even XX to begin with). So what is she, then? Is it an aesthetic? Even then, as a human she never truly lived up to lady-like behaviour. Everything people use to define womanhood isn't relevant nor applicable to her.
So while she identifies as a woman, she does so in protest for those who think womanhood has clear cut edges. She does so in defiance. Because it has taken her a century and eternity to see her worth and her strength in an identity so many people try to control and dictate. And she will rip the throat out of anyone who believes they can define and control for other people trying to simply live their truth.
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