#CW: Language

[the-blind-geisha]

Made this as a joke when bestie commented her writing fairy must have visited me to get me to pump out 3K words tonight.

[comatosebunny09]

untitled | leon k.

warnings: smut, loss of virginity, female reader, p in v, language, pet names, soft leon, stream of consciousness, short af

had this mashup on repeat, and i just couldn’t move past this imagery. thank you for reading, lovely. ❤️

He fills the space between your fingers with his, gentle and reassuring, rooting you to the mattress. 

Molten tears prick the corners of yours eyes, brows knit, lips parted with wet exhalations. He chases your tears with chaste kisses, whispering pillow-soft affirmations through the static of your ears.

Doing so good. Taking me so well. My pretty baby. Stay with me, okay?

He’s a hulking shadow of concern, balanced on muscly arms. Paints a pretty cutout of disheveled locks and startling blue eyes amid the room swathed in moonlight. Radiates a blistering warmth that singes your innards whilst sweat gathers on his temple, drip-dropping onto the ruffled sheets.

Breathlessly, he murmurs, “You alright, sweetheart?” Knows you’re not if the shallowness of your breath is anything to go by. If the wince of your eyes serves as any gauge. But you’re a big girl. Stubborn as all hell, but you manage a nod despite the pain coursing through your nether regions. 

His hips stutter as he tries to remain perfectly still. Your thighs shakily wound about his waist, and your heels digging into the divots of his back don’t help matters. But he’s a patient lover. Waited this long to have you. Ravage you. Split you in twain.

What are a few more moments in tortuous bliss?

Through the Gaussian blur of your vision, you know he’s trying his damnedest not to thrust further in. Not to dig a little deeper, spearing you with his delicious girth, dredging the most sinister of sounds from the bowels of your belly.

Your throat rumbles with a pathetic keen as you pulse around the head of his cock, drawing a wet hiss from swollen lips. His forehead finds the curve of your shoulder. He pants there. Fights a battle within, wrapped in the luxury of your womanhood.

“Fuck,” he chuckles, allowing the weight of his torso to anchor yours down. “Keep sucking me in like that, and I won’t be able to last.”

[macosten]

Objectively speaking, you are to the right of attack, not under it.

[ordonianhero]

Last one for the night

Let’s hope

Twilight: so what do we say when someone call us an asshole?

Four: I am not an asshole, I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate assholes.

Twilight: no.

[brunchrodent]

With how things are going, it’s probably for the best that we the populace move to a mass civil declaration, stating that we do not respect nor recognize the authority of this so-called “government”.

From here on going forward, I refuse to recognize the diseased presidency, the sycophantic gaggle of morons known as the Supreme Court, or the masturbatory powerfantasy of a wimp-ass brainless richboy known as the cringeworthy DOGE department (Elon should’ve been caned publicly for that bullshit). All departments can firmly pucker up and kiss the darkest part of my ass.

You want me to respect you? Then respect the people instead of fucking them 24/7.

Fuck off, Donny. Fuck off, Alito. Fuck off, Roberts. Fuck off, Elon.

And firmly fuck off to the cultists that worship the taints of these shit heads. Y’all can kindly do this society a favor, and die like the dogs you are. May my words be a hateful hex upon your fascist lives. May you suffer the sickness of dogs long passed from this world. And may no one recognize your gravestone when you pass from this mortal coil.

(Listen, I apologize to everyone if all you’ve seen is me angrily ranting, it’s just that this is good therapy for me and it keeps me from bottling it all up and getting stress migraines.)

[tanabethelart]

Raskolnikov in all his glory

[badbf-cb]

11 Weeks 5 Days… 82 Days… 1968 Hours… 118080 Minutes…

Taeyong sat up slowly, looking around the unknown yet strangely familiar area. He had lost count of how many times he woke up there and began his own personal hell. Time seemed to pass differently and each time he awoke it was as if the previous day never happened.

He slowly stood on his feet, taking in the subtle differences this time. This time it was warmer, not so cold. The birds seemed to have returned to their homes in the trees… odd. Taeyong tilted his head slightly, listening intently. “Oh, fuck off,” he grumbled under his breath. He snapped his fingers and dodged the splatter of blood and feathers that followed.

He was impressed with the extent… people… things… entities… whatever… would do to piss him off. And what for? Just to spite him. He was a good worker and followed directions. Generally… mostly… whatever… His job was done and done well. All he had to show as any form of thanks is a new mark on his arm and what he felt was empty promises to return home…

Taeyong roamed down the street… left at the park… two streets down… right at the house on the corner with the ugly blue mailbox. “Fuck you, too. Stupid color. HOA my ass,” he said narrowing his eyes at the eye sore. It was hard to tell if it was mischievous fun or pure malice but Taeyong snapped his fingers, letting a satisfied smirk curl his lips as the mailbox splintered into pieces. “Huh… Much better.”

It was just a short walk down the block before he stood at the end of his home. The electric toy car in the drive way and chalk drawings seemed to tug as something that felt lost in his chest. Each time he was made to visit the sounds of laughter filled his head… but this time it was quiet.

With a deep breath he strolled to the front door and pushed it. Much to his surprise it was locked. Locked? “For fucks sake!” He whispered angrily and stared at the ground beneath his feet. “What the hell?”

Each time he was sent back it always happened the same way. He would go home and everything was perfect. His friends were happy. His children happy and healthy. His husband happy. Everyone was happy… without him. He would stand and watch life without him. It was natural… he supposed… but it didn’t hurt less to see how great it was without him. How everyone forgot him.

His frown deepened as his head thudded softly against the door. With another snap of his fingers the lock clicked allowing him to open the door. “Where is everyone?” He strained his ears, listening for something… anything… anyone.

He walked through the rooms trying to piece why this time was so different. Forgotten lunch was on the kitchen table… toys on the stairs leading to the second floor… nothing gave him pause until he reached the top of the stairs and a small sound pricked his ears.

“Ah… You can’t hide from me,” Taeyong said in something that felt foreign on his lips but so natural to his ears. “Let’s get this over with.”

[right-hand-of-the-black-sand]

I love the idea that Mozenrath is so light-weight that, should he try one (1) shot of anything alcoholic, he would get absolutely destroyed.

Like, he does the Aizawa thing and insists that he's never gotten drunk that he can remember. The key part is "that he can remember" because he takes one sip and then

[aplaceinthedark]

AU interlude: MADE BREATH and SKIN

Noah Sebastian (The Watcher of the Woods) x onbc (Taylor)

Word Count: 2.7k+

Cw: language, supernatural themes, sexy stuff: oral (oc receiving), fingering, slight monster fucking (monster, demi-deity, whatev Fuckface McGee thinks he is), pet play if you squint, unwrapped p in v (be safe, kiddos), telepathic dirty-talk, overstimulation

“I don't need to be babysat. Like they're gonna try to break into my house and kidnap me,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.  

“Well, too bad. Like I have anything better to do than babysit you,” Noah said, shedding his leather jacket he had over his hoodie. I could hear the playful undertone in his voice, thankfully. And to be honest, I was kind of glad he was here. 

“Need help?” I commented as he pulled his hoodie up. 

“Nope,” he said, lifting it up above his head. I mainly watched just to see how he could manage to get it over the antlers that were sprouting from the sides of his head, but I would be lying if I said I didn't sneak a peek at the part of his stomach as his shirt rode up. “Jeez, do you have to keep this place like a sauna in here?”

“It's not even seventy degrees in here,” I said, trying to avoid staring too long after he managed to get the hoodie off, but I still couldn’t get over the fact that he was actually that… big under all that clothing. He was now down to just a cut-off tank, leaving all the binding sigils that ran up and down his arms and across his collarbones and shoulders on display. Honestly, combined with the muscles, it made me want to punch him. 

But still, after a while, my eyes were drawn back up to the antlers. While not as wide and impressive as the last time I saw them, they still seemed to make him seem taller and bigger than he already was. 

“My eyes are down here.”

His words snapped me out of my reverie before he flipped down onto the couch beside me. “What're we watching?” he asked. When I looked down into his eyes, with his face drawn up into a smirk, I was almost taken aback when I noticed the smattering of freckles under them. The Lost Boy Who Would Become King.

“Does it hurt?” I blurted out.

“Does what hurt?” Noah asked. 

“The antlers… when they grow out. Do they hurt?” I clarified, curiosity getting the better of me. 

He blinked. “N-no?” he replied awkwardly, like no one had bothered to ask that question of him before. “Mostly they’re just sensitive until they reach their full point. Kinda itchy, too.” His thigh bumped against mine. 

“Has anyone touched them?” I asked. 

“No, usually people are too busy screaming ‘Ah, don’t kill me’ if I get—“ I cut him off with a backhand to the chest. “What? It's true!”

“I meant like Nick and the others,” I huffed, leaning back. 

“Nah, they're not stupid enough to–” Noah said, but then stopped dead when I pressed my thumb against one of the points.

“Shit, I’m sorry, did I hurt—“ I stammered, pulling my hand away until I noticed his eyes. They seemed to pin me to where I was sitting. 

“No, you’re fine, it's just…” Noah swallowed thickly, “I didn’t expect it to feel like… that.”

“Like wha…?” I trailed off as I realized what he meant. Oh.

My hand, which was still hovering near his head, fell back down to his antlers. Curiosity getting the better of me, I traced a light line from where they met his skull up to one of the first points. He shuddered under my touch, a small moan slipping out.

“Stop that,” he gritted out.

“Stop what?” I asked. I meant for it to be an honest question, but I didn't think he took it to be like that. Especially when his hand shot up and snatched my wrist away from his head. 

“Stop teasing,” he said with a low rumble, dipping his head down to where he was eye level with me. My heart stopped when I saw how dark his eyes were. 

I felt his other hand snake around my waist, pulling me closer to him. As ironic as the comparison was, I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. “Is that why you asked about them? So you could see me like this?” he asked. I was practically on his lap at this point, my knees straddling his thighs. He dipped his head lower to nuzzle his lips against my jaw.

The movement snapped me out of my paralysis, and I finally found my voice. “Aww, is Bambi sensitive?” I cooed, reaching my free hand up to run a finger up his antlers again. He shuddered against me, breath panting and ragged, and I froze up again when I felt his dick begin to harden underneath my core.

“I said watch it,“ he growled, grabbing that hand as well. “Do you like being a tease? Touching me like that?” He pushed me onto my back, pinning my wrists to the armrest above my head. He easily was able to hold both of them with one hand, those long fingers wrapping around them as he freed a hand to roughly grab my jaw. “Touch me again, and I’ll build you up to just leave you here wet and needy.”

My eyes widened a little bit as I took in what he said. “No—“ He cut me off with a small squeeze. The little puffs of breath he let out ghosted over my ear, making me shudder in his hands. When he finally let go of my jaw, it was to only run it over the hollow of my throat and stop. He leaned down, his lips leaving light but wet kisses along my neck.

A soft whimper escaped my throat, and my legs squirmed under his. He chuckled, my only warning before he bit down on the sensitive flesh between my neck and shoulder. A sharp gasp left me, which turned into a moan when his teeth retracted to let his tongue sweep over the mark. 

“I want everyone to know what’s mine, little rabbit,” he whispered. “I want them to know that you belong to the Watcher of the Woods.”

The possessive tone he used slightly pissed me off, but as he alternated between biting and soothing at my tender skin, I could barely care. That's when I realized that despite my fogged-up brain, my mouth was close to the base of his antlers. So, between keening, I let out a breathy moan that I knew would hit them.

His reaction was instantaneous. He let out a loud moan against my wet skin, hips involuntarily shunting forward against mine. The straining in his jeans pressed against my covered core, earning a sharp inhale from me.  I didn't know how dizzier I could get. 

Noah pulled away to look me in the eyes. “Seriously, Taylor, if you want–”

“Noah, I want you, monster or not,” I panted. 

For once, Noah was stunned into silence. He hovered over me, jaw slightly dropped as he took in my words. He then brought his lips down to lock with mine in a messy, heated kiss.

There was no gentleness in this kiss, and I didn't expect any. This was a man starved. He finally let go of my wrists and trailed his hands down my chest, my waist, to my hips, then trailed them back up, under my shirt this time. 

His thumbs ran small, feather-light circles around my nipples. “No bra?” he asked, smirking against my lips.

“Never wear one,” I admitted.

“Good,” he commanded. “I wanna look at you.” He pulled away to give me space.

Somehow, I knew what he was talking about through the sex-addled white noise, and I lifted my shirt up and over my head. I flushed under his gaze that slowly raked over my body.

“I could absolutely devour you,” he admitted, leaning back down, lower this time. He ran his tongue up my sternum, up the small slope of one breast, and closed his mouth around my nipple. I keened and squirmed as he flicked the tip of his tongue over the hard peak, feeling helpless as he teased the other between his thumb and fingers.

Eventually, after both tits were given enough attention, he pulled off with a soft pop, biting into what flesh there was. He left little nips as he trailed down my tummy until he finally reached the waistband of my jeans. 

“N-Noah…” I whimpered, trying to get his attention.

“Yeah…?” His eyes flicked up to mine as I gazed down my body at him.

“Please… not here,” I pleaded.

He blinked, his dark brown eyes darkening further. “You don't want me to fuck you on the couch?” he asked.

“P-please n-no.”

Suddenly, with supernatural strength, he hitched my waist over his shoulder, pulling up and taking me with him. I let out a small yelp of surprise, but soon he was taking me back to my bedroom. My world was just an upside- down view of the back of his top and ass. If I could just manage to get my arm up, I could just–

Before I could smack anything, he roughly tossed me onto the bed. He crawled up between my legs, undoing the button and zipper of my jeans. I wriggled my hips as he pulled my jeans and underwear down in one fast motion. With a groan, and without tearing his gaze from between my legs, he carelessly tossed the garments somewhere on the floor. “Fucking hell, you've been dripping this whole time, haven't you?” he asked, leaning down.

“Noah–”

“Are you okay with this?” Noah asked. I stared at him in surprise, and he rolled his eyes. “I might be a monster, but I'm not that kind of a monster.”

“Fuck, of course Noah. Just fucking–” My tirade was cut off as he dove down like it was his last meal. My hips lifted off the bed in surprise, and he lifted my legs over his shoulders, wrapping his hands around my thighs and pulling them down against him.  

I couldn't think of anything past the feeling of his tongue flicking over and around my clit, spearing into me and then flattening as he licked long stripes up and down my arousal. All I could do was grab the top of his head, tangling my fingers in his long tresses as I tried to keep myself grounded.

“Oh, God, No… ah–” was all I could manage to get out as I shook like someone possessed. His fingers dug into my thighs, the pain of his nails pressing in only adding to the pleasure. It felt like the more I reacted to him like this, the harder he worked to make me feel good. 

I looked down at him to see that he was already intently staring at me. Somehow, his dark eyes seemed to be bright when they met mine. I felt him smirk against my lower lips, and then I heard, 

YOU TASTE SO FUCKING GOOD. 

Speaking into my head, hearing that praise, sent a bolt of pleasure through me that had me arching, releasing onto his tongue as I swore up to the ceiling. He lapped it up, not relaxing his movements one bit, and the overstimulation carried me into my second orgasm, my scream tearing through my throat. 

THERE IT IS. THAT’S IT, GIVE IT TO ME.

He slowed down, kitten-licking me through my aftershocks, and then finally pulled away, settling me back down onto my bed. “You good?” He asked, like he didn't just completely shatter me. 

Through ragged breaths that hurt my throat and my swimming vision, I nodded. Dear God, that was–

“He's not here, and by the end of tonight, I'll have you screaming my name like you worship me.” His growl sent ripples throughout my body. Noah crawled up on top of me, caging my face between his hands, and kissed me roughly. I could smell and taste myself on his lips. 

“Noah, please, I need you,” I managed to say between fervent kisses. 

“Say my name then,” he demanded. 

“Noah.”

“Louder.”

“Noah–”

“Plead louder for me.”

“Please, oh god, Noah.”

When I opened my eyes again, it was to see him shove his jeans off, but what made me gasp was the sight of his antlers, now the crown of bone that I remembered. With his hair wild and tangled from my fingers, and the tattoos spread all across his now naked body, he truly looked like the forest god he was. 

He perched over me, leaning down to kiss me hard enough to stoke the fire in my belly again, and trailed fingers up and down my still-slick center. He slowly pushed two of them into my hole, alternating between curling, scissoring, and pulling them out before repeating the cycle. I was a moaning, whimpering mess that could barely talk when I realized that he was lining himself up. 

“N-Noah, f-fuck… please,” I near sobbed. 

“Shhh, I've got you,” he said quietly, gently brushing some damp hairs off my forehead. He then slowly, tortuously, pushed in, making me cry out in pain and pleasure. 

“Ohh god, Noah, a-ah!” I said. “'s n-not gonna f-fit.”

“Yes it will,” he rasped. I was so glad that he, too, was having a rough time handling me like I was handling him. “I know you can do it.” He then pulled my legs up and hitched them around his waist, nearly folding me in half. With a few more shallow thrusts, he finally bottomed out, hitting a spot in me that turned my moans to something primal.

“There we go, good job. I told you you could do it,” he muttered, kissing the bridge of my nose. The feeling of me clenching on his cock had him groan, a sound that seemed like it came from somewhere deep inside him. “You ready?”

“Y-yes, Noah.”

His pace was steady at first, torturously slow. I rolled my hips to meet his, and his hands flew down to them to encourage the movement. “Go on… Take what you need,” he said, voice hitching at the end. I reached up to wrap my arms around his wide back, feeling the muscles flexing underneath my hands. His forehead dropped to mine, and our lips brushed together in unison.

FUCK, IT’S LIKE YOU WERE MADE FOR ME,

he said, a hand reaching up to cup my cheek, tilting my face so our lips could finally press against each others,

MY LITTLE RABBIT.

Noah, I’m gonna - I’m gonna…  I was desperately close, and his pace just kept getting hastier. I knew I was about to topple over the edge, and Noah was going to push me over with no remorse.

LET GO,

he said,

I’M RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

When I opened my eyes, I saw his big doe eyes focused on me. I couldn’t hold it anymore, and I screamed his name as my head rolled back against my pillow. I swore I nearly blacked out, or at least the edges of my vision turned black, as my vision blurred. I felt my sweat-slick skin press against his as my back arched completely off the bed.

Noah chased his own release a little bit later, thrusting into me while growling something that might’ve been words in the other tongue or just gibberish. Soon after, his hips stilled, and his body sagged onto me, the weight and warmth being welcome.

We lied there, chests heaving as we tried to catch our breath, and I found myself gently scratching at his scalp. My fingers gently brushed against the base of his antlers, and I stilled.

“You’re fine, I can’t feel anything when they’re fully grown,” Noah muttered against the skin of my neck.

“You know that, but not when they’re forming?” I asked.

“Like I said earlier, it never came up.” He chuckled airily. 

We stayed like that for a while, his body like an anxiety blanket, until my body decided I needed to get up. Noah thought otherwise as he wrapped his arms around my midsection and pulled me back against him every time I tried to leave the bed.

“Lemme up, I have to go to the bathroom and take a shower.”

“Only if I get to join you,” he said with a sly grin.

“Those things aren’t gonna fit in the shower,” I said with a momentary glance up at the antlers.

“Oh, I’ll make them fit.”

“…Gross.”

[mysticdoodlez]

interlude: MADE BREATH and SKIN

Watcher Noah Sebastian x oc (Taylor)

Word Count: 2.7k+

A/n: so up to around chapter six, I was up in the air over whether Taylor would a) start a relationship, and b) go with Nick or Noah. The interlude was bare bones until Taylor made up their mind, but I always had in my drafts a version where they went with Noah. Some talks on the discord happened and I just went "fuck it we ball" and I expanded the draft to a full-blown one-shot. Also: I KNOW ANTLERS AREN'T SENSITIVE LIKE THAT, BUT HE'S A DEER GOD. THE RULES DON'T APPLY TO HIM.

In other news, I tried to write without limitations like last time, cuz non-binary folk who are okay with their body parts and being called "good AGAB" exist out there too, people! So, if mentions of female body parts or female terminology shuts you down, then this won't be for you.

Cw: language, supernatural themes, sexy stuff: oral (oc receiving), slight monster fucking (monster, demi-deity, whatev), pet play if you squint, unwrapped p in v (be safe, kiddos), telepathic dirty-talk

“I don't need to be babysat. Like they're gonna try to break into my house and kidnap me,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Well, too bad. Like I have anything better to do than babysit you,” Noah said, shedding his leather jacket he had over his hoodie. I could hear the playful undertone in his voice, thankfully. And to be honest, I was kind of glad he was here.

“Need help?” I commented as he pulled his hoodie up.

“Nope,” he said, lifting it up above his head. I mainly watched just to see how he could manage to get it over the antlers that were sprouting from the sides of his head, but I would be lying if I said I didn't sneak a peek at the part of his stomach as his shirt rode up. “Jeez, do you have to keep this place like a sauna in here?”

“It's not even seventy degrees in here,” I said, trying to avoid staring too long after he managed to get the hoodie off, but I still couldn’t get over the fact that he was actually that… big under all that clothing. He was now down to just a cut-off tank, leaving all the binding sigils that ran up and down his arms and across his collarbones and shoulders on display. Honestly, combined with the muscles, it made me want to punch him.

But still, after a while, my eyes were drawn back up to the antlers. While not as wide and impressive as the last time I saw them, they still seemed to make him seem taller and bigger than he already was.

“My eyes are down here.”

His words snapped me out of my reverie before he flipped down onto the couch beside me. “What're we watching?” he asked. When I looked down into his eyes, with his face drawn up into a smirk, I was almost taken aback when I noticed the smattering of freckles under them. The Lost Boy Who Would Become King.

“Does it hurt?” I blurted out.

“Does what hurt?” Noah asked.

“The antlers… when they grow out. Do they hurt?” I clarified, curiosity getting the better of me.

He blinked. “N-no?” he replied awkwardly, like no one had bothered to ask that question of him before. “Mostly they’re just sensitive until they reach their full point. Kinda itchy, too.” His thigh bumped against mine.

“Has anyone touched them?” I asked.

“No, usually people are too busy screaming ‘Ah, don’t kill me’ if I get—“ I cut him off with a backhand to the chest. “What? It's true!”

“I meant like Nick and the others,” I huffed, leaning back.

“Nah, they're not stupid enough to–” Noah said, but then stopped dead when I pressed my thumb against one of the points.

“Shit, I’m sorry, did I hurt—“ I stammered, pulling my hand away until I noticed his eyes. They seemed to pin me to where I was sitting.

“No, you’re fine, it's just…” Noah swallowed thickly, “I didn’t expect it to feel like… that.”

“Like wha…?” I trailed off as I realized what he meant. Oh.

My hand, which was still hovering near his head, fell back down to his antlers. Curiosity getting the better of me, I traced a light line from where they met his skull up to one of the first points. He shuddered under my touch, a small moan slipping out.

“Stop that,” he gritted out.

“Stop what?” I asked. I meant for it to be an honest question, but I didn't think he took it to be like that. Especially when his hand shot up and snatched my wrist away from his head.

“Stop teasing,” he said with a low rumble, dipping his head down to where he was eye level with me. My heart stopped when I saw how dark his eyes were.

I felt his other hand snake around my waist, pulling me closer to him. As ironic as the comparison was, I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. “Is that why you asked about them? So you could see me like this?” he asked. I was practically on his lap at this point, my knees straddling his thighs. He dipped his head lower to nuzzle his lips against my jaw.

The movement snapped me out of my paralysis, and I finally found my voice. “Aww, is Bambi sensitive?” I cooed, reaching my free hand up to run a finger up his antlers again. He shuddered against me, breath panting and ragged, and I froze up again when I felt his dick begin to harden underneath my core.

“I said watch it,“ he growled, grabbing that hand as well. “Do you like being a tease? Touching me like that?” He pushed me onto my back, pinning my wrists to the armrest above my head. He easily was able to hold both of them with one hand, those long fingers wrapping around them as he freed a hand to roughly grab my jaw. “Touch me again, and I’ll build you up to just leave you here wet and needy.”

My eyes widened a little bit as I took in what he said. “No—“ He cut me off with a small squeeze. The little puffs of breath he let out ghosted over my ear, making me shudder in his hands. When he finally let go of my jaw, it was to only run it over the hollow of my throat and stop. He leaned down, his lips leaving light but wet kisses along my neck.

A soft whimper escaped my throat, and my legs squirmed under his. He chuckled, my only warning before he bit down on the sensitive flesh between my neck and shoulder. A sharp gasp left me, which turned into a moan when his teeth retracted to let his tongue sweep over the mark.

“I want everyone to know what’s mine, little rabbit,” he whispered. “I want them to know that you belong to the Watcher of the Woods.”

The possessive tone he used slightly pissed me off, but as he alternated between biting and soothing at my tender skin, I could barely care. That's when I realized, despite my fogged-up brain, my mouth was close to the base of his antlers. So between keening, I let out a breathy moan that I knew would hit them.

His reaction was instantaneous. He let out a loud moan against my wet skin, hips involuntarily shunting forward against mine. The straining in his jeans pressed against my covered core, earning a sharp inhale from me. I didn't know how dizzier I could get.

Noah pulled away to look me in the eyes. “Seriously, Taylor, if you want–”

“Noah, I want you, monster or not,” I panted.

For once, Noah was stunned into silence. He hovered over me, jaw slightly dropped as he took in my words. He then brought his lips down to lock with mine in a messy, heated kiss.

There was no gentleness in this kiss, and I didn't expect any. This was a man starved. He finally let go of my wrists and trailed his hands down my chest, my waist, to my hips, then trailed them back up, under my shirt this time.

His thumbs ran small, feather-light circles around my nipples. “No bra?” he asked, smirking against my lips.

“Never wear one,” I admitted.

“Good. Off,” he commanded. “I wanna look at you.” He pulled away to give me space.

Somehow I knew what he was talking about through the sex-addled white noise, and I lifted my shirt up and over my head. I flushed under his gaze that slowly raked over my body.

“I could absolutely devour you,” he admitted, leaning back down, lower this time. He ran his tongue up my sternum, up the small slope of one breast, and closed his mouth around my nipple. I keened and squirmed as he flicked the tip of his tongue over the hard peak, feeling helpless as he teased the other between his thumb and fingers.

Eventually, after both tits were given enough attention, he pulled off with a soft pop, biting into what flesh there was. He left little nips as he trailed down my tummy until he finally reached the waistband of my jeans.

“N-Noah…” I whimpered, trying to get his attention.

“Yeah…?” His eyes flicked up to mine as I gazed down my body at him.

“Please… not here,” I pleaded.

He blinked, his dark brown eyes darkening further. “You don't want me to fuck you on the couch?” he asked.

“P-please n-no.”

Suddenly, with supernatural strength, he hitched my waist over his shoulder, pulling up and taking me with him. I let out a small yelp of surprise, but soon he was taking me back to my bedroom. My world was just an upside- down view of the back of his top and ass. If I could just manage to get my arm up, I could just–

Before I could smack anything, he roughly tossed me onto the bed. He crawled up between my legs, undoing the button and zipper of my jeans. I wriggled my hips as he pulled my jeans and underwear down in one fast motion. With a groan, and without tearing his gaze from between my legs, he carelessly tossed the garments somewhere on the floor. “Fucking hell, you've been wet this whole time, haven't you?” he asked, leaning down.

“Noah–”

“Are you okay with this?” Noah asked. I stared at him in surprise, and he rolled his eyes. “I might be a monster, but I'm not that kind of a monster.”

“Fuck, of course Noah. Just fucking–” My tirade was cut off as he dove down like it was his last meal. My hips lifted off the bed in surprise, and he lifted my legs over his shoulders, wrapping his hands around my thighs and pulling them down against him.

I couldn't think of anything past the feeling of his tongue flicking over and around my clit, spearing into my pussy and then flattening as he licked long stripes up and down my slit. All I could do was grab the top of his head, tangling my fingers in his long tresses as I tried to keep myself grounded.

“Oh, God, No… ah–” was all I could manage to get out as I shook like someone possessed. His fingers dug into my thighs, the pain of his nails pressing in only adding to the pleasure. It felt like the more I reacted to him like this, the harder he worked to make me feel good.

I looked down at him to see that he was already intently staring at me. Somehow his dark eyes seemed to be bright when they met mine. I felt him smirk against my lower lips and then I heard,

YOU TASTE SO FUCKING GOOD.

Speaking into my head, hearing that praise, sent a bolt of pleasure through me that had me arching, releasing onto his tongue as I swore up to the ceiling. He lapped it up, not relaxing his movements one bit, and the overstimulation carried me into my second orgasm, my scream tearing through my throat.

THERE IT IS. THAT’S IT, GIVE IT TO ME.

He slowed down, kitten-licking me through my aftershocks, and then finally pulled away, settling me back down onto my bed. “You good?” He asked, like he didn't just completely shatter me.

Through ragged breaths that hurt my throat and my swimming vision, I nodded. Dear God, that was–

“He's not here, and by the end of tonight, I'll have you screaming my name like you worship me.” His growl sent ripples throughout my body. Noah crawled up on top of me, caging my face between his hands, and kissed me roughly. I could smell and taste myself on his lips.

“Noah, please I need you,” I managed to say between fervent kisses.

“Say my name,” he demanded.

“Noah.”

“Louder.”

“Noah–”

“Pray for me.”

“Please, Noah.”

When I opened my eyes, it was him shoving his jeans off, but what made me gasp was the sight of his antlers, now the crown of bone that I remembered. With his hair wild and tangled from my fingers, and the tattoos spread all across his now naked body, he truly looked like the forest god he was.

He perched over me, leaning down to kiss me hard enough to stoke the fire in my belly again, and trailed two fingers up and down my still-slick folds. He slowly pushed them into my hole, alternating between curling, scissoring, and pulling them out before repeating the cycle. I was a moaning, whimpering mess that could barely talk when I realized that he was lining himself up.

“N-Noah, f-fuck… please,” I near sobbed.

“Shhh, I've got you,” he said quietly, gently brushing some damp hairs off my forehead. He then slowly, tortuously, pushed in, making me cry out in pain and pleasure.

“Ohh god, Noah, a-ah!” I said. “'s n-not gonna f-fit.”

“Yes it will,” he rasped. I was so glad that he too was having a rough time handling me like I was handling him. “I know you can do it.” He then pulled my legs up and hitched them around his waist, nearly folding me in half. With a few more shallow thrusts, he finally bottomed out, hitting a spot in me that turned my moans to something primal.

“There we go, good job. I told you you could do it,” he muttered, kissing the bridge of my nose. The feeling of me clenching on his cock had him groan, a sound that seemed like it came from somewhere deep inside him. “You ready?”

“Y-yes, Noah.”

His pace was steady at first, torturously slow. I rolled my hips to meet his, and his hands flew down to them to encourage the movement. “Go on… Take what you need,” he said, voice hitching at the end. I reached up to wrap my arms around his wide back, feeling the muscles flexing underneath my hands. His forehead dropped to mine and our lips brushed together in unison.

FUCK, IT’S LIKE YOU WERE MADE FOR ME,

he said, a hand reaching up to cup my cheek, tilting my face so our lips could finally press against each others,

MY LITTLE RABBIT.

Noah, I’m gonna - I’m gonna… I was desperately close, and his pace just kept getting hastier. I knew I was about to topple over the edge, and Noah was going to push me over with no remorse.

LET GO,

he said,

I’M RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

When I opened my eyes, I saw his big doe eyes focused on me. I couldn’t hold it anymore, and I screamed his name as my head rolled back against my pillow. I swore I nearly blacked out, or at least the edges of my vision turned black, as my vision blurred. I felt my sweat-slick skin press against his as my back arched completely off the bed.

Noah chased his own release a little bit later, thrusting into me while growling something that might’ve been words in the other tongue, or just gibberish. Soon after, his hips stilled, and his body sagged onto me, the weight and warmth being welcome.

We lied there, chests heaving as we tried to catch our breath, and I found myself gently scratching at his scalp. My fingers gently brushed against the base of his antlers, and I stilled.

“You’re fine, I can’t feel anything when they’re fully grown,” Noah muttered against the skin of my neck.

“You know that, but not when they’re forming?” I asked.

“Like I said earlier, it never came up.” He chuckled airily.

We stayed like that for a while, his body like an anxiety blanket, until my body decided I needed to get up. Noah thought otherwise, as he wrapped his arms around my midsection and pulled me back against him every time I tried to leave the bed.

“Lemme up, I have to go to the bathroom and take a shower.”

“Only if I get to join you,” he said with a sly grin.

“Those things aren’t gonna fit in the shower,” I said with a momentary glance up at the antlers.

“Oh, I’ll make them fit.”

“…Gross.”

[windslar]

Lightflower Chapter II: Indigo Skies ( prev / next )

[the-castle-of-dimitrescu]

"Alcina, we're literally trapped in the desert... I knew we should have taken my Jeep." Raine sighed, glancing out of the passenger side window at the vast expanse of open sky that gave way to as many stars as the eye could see.

Alcina tried to rock the car again, struggling as the tires spun uselessly on the soft sand beneath them, cursing under her breath as she shoved the gearshift back into park, raking her fingers through her hair with a sigh.

Raine looked over at her, her eyes softening, before reaching over to place her hand on Alcina's thigh, giving her soft skin a gentle squeeze, drawing amber eyes over to look at her.

"Hey, it's okay. We can call a tow to come get us out." Raine smiled, all teeth until her nose crinkled slightly.

"I'm sorry, darling. I wanted this to be a lovely date night for us. Unfortunately I wasn't expecting us to be nearly run off the road by a group of teenagers..."

Raine smiled again, shaking her head just slightly before leaning over the center console, pressing her lips firmly to Alcina's, drawing the other woman in to the kiss.

"I thought it was perfect." Raine smiled, her right hand now resting on Alcina's thigh, thumb gently stroking against warm skin. "But... I could think of a way that it could end better..."

Raine slipped out of the passenger side and climbed into the back seat, gazing at Alcina expectantly from where she was perched. The raven-haired woman followed her date's lead, climbing from the driver's seat and making her way into the back, shutting the door behind her.

Before she could even situate herself on the seat, Raine had tugged her over to straddle her lap, her lips immediately searching for purchase at the pulse in Alcina's throat, drawing a gasp that dissolved into a deep moan from her red lips. Alcina immediately raked her fingers through Raine’s hair, her knees digging into the leather of her seats, her left hand gripping the headrest as her hips began to slowly rock against Raine’s.

Raine eagerly pushed Alcina's skirt up, her hands coming to rest on her hips when she let out a low moan of her own against Alcina's neck.

"No panties? Naughty girl, Alci..." Raine purred, squeezing Alcina's hips just right as she raked her teeth over her exposed neck, drawing a mewl of pleasure from her lover's lips.

Alcina's hips bucked at the roar of pleasure coursing within her, her breaths coming out in ragged pants as she tried desperately to get friction against her swollen nub.

"Raine... Gods, fingers darling, please..." Alcina panted, leaning her head forwards, forehead pressed against Raine’s shoulder as the young woman complied, reaching between them, albeit awkwardly, to push two fingers deep within Alcina's wet core.

"Oh fuck...!" Alcina yelped, her hips rolling now, taking Raine’s fingers deep within her before sliding them back out, gasps and moans leaving her lips as she did so, feeling Raine’s lips and teeth and tongue against the exposed skin of her neck.

She pulled back, angling herself just slightly, now gripping the headrests of the front seats, gazing down at Raine as she felt the pads of her fingers press deliciously against her frontal wall, sending shockwaves of pleasure through her abdomen.

Raine brought her left hand between them, thumb dutifully circling Alcina's clit, fingers pressed just so against her pubic bone, grinning up at Alcina as she watched her boss and lover come absolutely undone from the pleasure.

When Alcina came, she came hard, crying out her release as her inner walls clenched and fluttered around Raine’s fingers, her thighs clenching and trembling against Raine’s, before collapsing against her chest, heaving gasps still struggling to fill her lungs.

Raine gently pulled her fingers free, immediately sucking one clean of Alcina's release, gazing at her lover from the corner of her eye as she did so. Alcina leaned up just slightly, pulling Raine’s other finger into her own mouth, moaning at her taste against Raine’s skin, before releasing her finger with an audible pop, her gaze focused intently on Raine’s.

Raine managed to situate them just enough in the backseat so she could kneel on the floor, Alcina's head against one door, one foot planted on the seat, the other propped over Raine’s shoulder, as the young woman greedily licked her date clean, savoring the taste of her on her tongue.

Alcina's fingers found purchase in her hair once more, keeping her mouth pressed firmly against her core, a new wave of moans leaving her lips as Raine licked and sucked at every drop that tried to get past her hungry mouth.

When Alcina came again, Raine made sure to properly savor the taste, groaning against Alcina's slick core before pulling away and gazing up at her lover's glazed eyes.

"You just wait... Until I get you home... Draga mea..." Alcina huffed, easing herself upright before leaning down to take Raine’s lips with her own, her tongue immediately pushing past parted lips to explore Raine’s mouth, tasting herself on her lover's tongue.

"I'll drive." Raine hummed, climbing out of the backseat before walking around to the driver's side door, dropping into the leather chair that Alcina has been occupying previously.

She felt arms wrap gingerly around her shoulders and teeth at the shell of her ear, before Alcina's husky voice filled the space between them.

"When we get back to the vineyard, I expect you to properly fuck me, darling..."

[notjustabadguy]

One Night (Part 1: Carl)

A Ghost (1990) fanfiction

For both Sam Wheat and Carl Bruner, there was one night that felt like an eternity. Two different men, two separate nights; and yet, in some ways, these two endless nights were two sides of the same, single, story.

...

Part 1: Carl

Carl paced anxiously. What in the hell was taking Willie so long? He was supposed to call two hours ago now. Carl tried to reason with himself: Willie hadn’t struck him as the most… reliable person. He was just… passed out drunk, or strung out on some shit, something… but surely, surely he’d gotten the address book. How hard could it be? How hard could it possibly be to get hold of one lousy little scrap of paper with some numbers scrawled on it? Even a piece of shit like Willie could do that.

Two hours, 19 minutes overdue. Carl kept trying to distract himself, and failing; he turned on the television, tried to watch the news, and then switched it off almost immediately. He picked up the newspaper from the counter, found all the lines of print blurred together in his mind into an incomprehensible mess, and threw it down in frustration. He tried the television again, blindly flipping channels; a rerun of I Love Lucy was on. Lucy was wailing about something. He clicked the Off button furiously, and Lucy diminished into blackness. He couldn’t stop sweating.

Three hours and seven minutes. Carl felt like screaming. Willie had been caught. He must have been. Carl kept waiting for the sharp, official rap on his door; the coldly formal voice to announce, “Police!” It didn’t come.

The phone rang. Carl uttered a strangled little half-cry and leapt for it in one fluid motion. “Willie! What—”

But it was Molly’s voice that came back to him. “…Carl?”

Her tone stopped him dead in his tracks. Her voice was hoarse and wet, filled with tears, and hardly above a whisper. It was also empty, flat, listless, like all the life, all that special Molly sparkle that he loved so much, had been drained out of it. She didn’t seem to have even registered what he’d said. And then only her harsh breathing, and the faint static of the phone line. He thought he heard an intercom somewhere dimly in the background.

The world went cold.

“Molly? Molly, what’s wrong? Molly, what happened?”

A long, shuddering breath. “Carl? We’re—I’m in the hospital.”

“Hospital?” No no no please no… “Molly, are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“I’m… I’m fine.” She uttered a short, painful gasp. “Sam…”

“Molly, is he okay? Molly, is Sam hurt?” But he already knew. His mind was racing wildly. Ok, Sam’s hurt—it sounds like maybe badly—but he’ll be okay, I know Sam, he’ll be fine…

“Carl…”

A long pause. Carl’s heart was beating frantically. Finally, he couldn’t stand the silence. “Molly—!”

“Carl, Sam’s…” A brief, strangled sob. She took a steadying breath, and began again. Her next words were lost and hopeless. “…Sam’s dead.”

Nothing made sense. Nothing connected. Time was frozen. Carl knew he must have said something—something soothing, comforting, he supposed, from Molly’s reaction—but he had no idea what. She said something in return. His brain on autopilot, he carried on talking for a minute or two, still not knowing what he was saying, then hung up. The soft, plastic click of the receiver shattered the painful stillness of his apartment.

That was his last clear recollection of that night—the click that symbolized that the world was breaking. He might have screamed. He thought dimly that he was screaming, but afterward, it occurred to him that it might have only been inside his head. Time stood still, and the screaming went on and on, and everything was colder than he’d ever imagined it could be.

At some point, he must have slept. He woke up, fully dressed, on his bed, curled up like a child in the grip of a nightmare, his hands clutching feverishly at his sheets. His head throbbed with a slow, thumping ache, and his tongue was dry. His lashes seemed to be glued together, and when he pried them apart, the weak autumn sunlight filtering through the white curtains stung his eyes. There was one blissful moment where he wondered vaguely why he felt so rotten; then it sank into him, slowly and relentlessly, the knowledge suffocating. He closed his eyes again hopelessly and forced himself back into unconsciousness.

He woke again, at some point later in the day—the sun was brighter then—and once again retreated almost immediately into a sleep blacker than death. And again. When he woke the fourth time, though—the sun was gone, the street outside now gray—thirst drove him out of bed and into the bathroom. He drank deeply from the tap, gulping greedily, then splashed the cold water onto his face. He felt a little better.

He examined the face in the mirror, which hardly looked like his own. The eyes were bloodshot, the skin around them dark and raw. He would need to do something about that. He couldn’t let people… let them wonder. All his muscles felt weary; movement was slow and painful. He pulled himself into the kitchen. He didn’t think he’d ever feel hungry again, but he still boiled water for noodles.

Sam was gone, and that was awful

(and it was my fault but he wouldn’t think about that)

but he was still here, he was still alive; he had to move on, that was all there was to it. He would go see Molly tomorrow. He could help her. He would call in from work for a few days—they’d understand… in fact, they might be suspicious if he didn’t. He’d be able to get the address book from the loft later. Everything would be… everything would be all right. This was his one chance at life, and he couldn’t afford to waste it.

[thieveszine]

💙💜🔞 Comic Preview✨

Don't forget! While there will be a SFW digital version of our zine, the physical version of THIEVES features explicit content and is intended for adults only! To get an idea of what's in store, here's a preview of select panels from a comic by Taichi 🎀

[demonfox38]

Completed - The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom

Quick question—do you like Second Quest modes in "Zelda" games?

See, I'm kind of a slacker when it comes to video games. I will perform as much as is required to get the best endings possible, but little more than that. That means I will go 200.6%+ in "Castlevania: Symphony of the Night", get all souls in "Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow", pick up all furniture and fight in the right spots and ways with "Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance"…but, we're not talking about "Castlevania" games, are we? We're talking about going above and beyond the call of duty for "The Legend of Zelda."

Yeah, I've done the original Second Quest for the first game. I've got the Master Quest for "The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time" on disc in the basement. Generally, I don't go too nuts in "Zelda" games. Like, I'll max out my heart count, but other than that, I'm usually just getting the best ending possible when hitting credits. Whether you count that as truly being a slacker or not is up to your own definition. Maybe I don't feel like my A-grade work truly is A-grade, especially when you compare it to the likes of speedrunners or professional gamers.

Maybe that comparison is a little messed up…

I bring this up because "The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom" is basically "The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild"'s Second Quest. Yeah, there's a different plot going on, but it's 40% same map and gameplay, 60% new junk. Harder junk. Grindy junk, too. Like, I swear, half of my playthrough was just grinding up armor that I would then abandon.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The mishaps of "Tears of the Kingdom" begin with Link and Zelda rummaging around in her dad's basement, looking for cool shit. And cool shit they do find—evidence of the first Queen and King of Hyrule, a glowing hand, a zombified Ganondorf. Surprise! Link then effectively gets owned as hard as "Evil Dead"'s Ash Williams, losing Zelda, his accumulated health and stamina, and his right arm as Ganon rips the entire map asunder. With the gnarly aforementioned arm now coating the remains of his own limb, Link ventures forth once more to explore the world, unite its peoples, and stab Ganondorf in the face once again. Maybe figure out what happened to Zelda, when he has the time.

Both the playfield, style, and plot share several beats with its predecessor. The new wrinkle involves the relics of the Zonai, a race of…well, I know a lot of people call them goats, but they remind me more of Anubis-styled jackals. With three eyes, too! Neat! Anyway. This lost, technologically-advanced society had its own tools and robots, all of which Link can now use to move, fuse, and build new shit. Freeze time, too. Tunnel upwards through the air, for whatever reason. Not down, though. You want to go down? Go jump off of something, idiot. (I say this, thinking early on that I would get a drill power…)

In addition to new abilities, Link also has to travel through two additional world maps—that of Hyrule's sky, and that of the strange Depths. Why the sky was so hyped up is beyond me. It's little more than random islands floating around. The Depths though? That place is awesome. Completely dark, coated in corrupting puddles of blood-red Gloom, navigable by little more than glowing roots and plants. Honestly, it's like something out of an Internet spooky pasta. It's a pain in the ass to navigate and a genuine threat, thanks to that life-sapping and capping Gloom, but it is visually very cool.

I do like the aesthetic risks this game was taking. Yes, "Breath of the Wild" had sci-fi elements in it previously. So, the new sentry bots aren't anything unusual. But, I do like the more domestic Zonai constructs, when you run into them. They are genuinely cute and polite. Definitely something I would want around my house. And, again, I love what the Depths were doing. It's a complete pain-in-the-ass to rummage through, but it is as beautiful as it is haunting. Like a cursed black velvet painting of some "Alice in Wonderland" landscape splattered with glitter.

"Tears of the Kingdom" strives to be a bit more standard in terms of temple progression. Yeah, there's more shrines than Gen I Pokémon, but there are actual temples this time around. Were they more in tune with standard "Zelda" fare? Err…well, the Lightning Temple felt authentic, at the very least. The rest felt like they were half baked or possibly even intended as replacement technology for "Breath of the Wild"'s Divine Beasts. I'm guessing my lack of full clicking with it has something to do with the camera distance from Link and the reliance of hitting 5 switches to do something again. I just never had that feeling of going too far in—getting in too deep.

Also—while I previously liked the progressive music in "Breath of the Wild," it wasn't working for me here. I think it came to a head with the Fire Temple theme. I appreciated how it opened sounding like the redacted Fire Temple theme from the first edition of "Ocarina of Time." The problem is that it moved far too fast off of that piece and into modes that seemed a bit like broken jazz or fragmented elevator music. Not what I was previously vibing to.

I did like the use of this weird, discordant note procession that kept showing up at the end of pivotal songs, though. Also, that brass depth blast. Like, LMAO. Got it, Boss. Rough times ahead.

Plotwise…It's hard to say if I preferred this to "Breath of the Wild" or the other way around. I liked the predecessor's scroungy, apocalyptic vibe a lot. Now, people know where Link lives (or could live.) They might not know his face, but they know what he did. Things are building back up. People are getting married and having kids. It's disquietingly comfy. Zelda's drama ends way more severely and dramatically, though. Topping fighting a demon for 100 years is a tough thing to beat, but damned if "Tears of the Kingdom" didn't find a way to make her situation even more harrowing.

Although, at the risk of spoilers, this game treats time travel very strangely. It feels wrong, like if everyone a decade past "Ocarina of Time" remembered what happened in the screwed-up future of Hyrule. A timeline that was, then was not, if you get my drift.

I've got a couple new questions about Farosh, Dinraal, and Naydra, too…

Definitively, I can say "Tears of the Kingdom" is harder than "Breath of the Wild." It's one of those difficulty spikes that is easy to track, though. If I may list the ways and wounds:

Weapon Degradation has a bratty little brother, and it's called Weapon Decay. See, most of Hyrule's arms got screwed up by Ganondorf belching up monsters and bad vibes, reducing their effectiveness to little better than a thick stick. You can work around this with proper fusing, but it will require you to become knowledgeable about what monster parts weld the best to your busted swords.

Your ability to generate bombs at will is gone. Get used to harvesting them and stealing weapons whenever you can.

Previously, you had powers that you earned from helping your fallen teammates avenge their deaths. This time, you have partners in battle. It can be more helpful, especially if you get Tulin powered up. But, honestly? I spent a lot of time babysitting everybody just to be effective. With more care comes more damage dealt, but it does get to be a pain in the butt to have to run after Riju to get that sweet lightning bolt strike or constantly manage Mineru's weapon inventory for her.

The economy wasn't friendly to you in the last game, and it's not gotten any better this time around. Expect to buy more at higher prices. Be careful about what you sell, too. You may need parts for your weapons, food, and armor management.

Look, man. When you get into a GameFAQs thread and someone is arguing about the difference between the laymen's understanding of probability and the actuality of binomial distribution, maybe the game's drop rate is just…not particularly helpful. Get used to save scumming and grinding out boss fights. That Blood Moon ain't gonna hit you fast enough.

Remember that one time you had to run around in your underwear to survive on Eventide Island in "Breath of the Wild"? Well, get used to doing it for, like, thirteen shrines. Try not to get your Hylian half a dozen new buttholes drilled into him. (Why is this game so fascinated by taking off Link's shirt, anyway?)

Also, remember when I was talking about the Gloom earlier? That stuff's serious business. It can seal off your hearts, making it impossible for you to fully heal up until you step into sunlight or use Sundelion-infused recipes. Also, enemies can and will inflict you with this every time they hit you in the dark. And yes! You absolutely have to do boss fights down here! Especially for parts of the final boss gauntlet!

Try not to walk off of a cliff in the Depths, either. Obvious, I know. Just don't mess around in the dark, alright? Treat the Depths like the survival horror zone it wants to be.

Whether you decide to play this game or not, don't do what I did. Do not spend a month grinding for armor upgrades. I'm serious. That was half of my playtime! And yikes, was that painful. If there is anything I would recommend upgrading, it's the Diamond Circlet and the Champion's Leathers. That gets you two high-defense pieces of equipment with a bonus attack boost. The rest is just finding a pair of pants you like. Maybe slightly buffing the environmental pieces so you don't end up offing Link like a weatherman in a meteorological disaster movie.

I think the most damning thing I can say for this game is how long it took me to feel like I was playing a "Legend of Zelda" game. Like, I was thinking about "Super Mario 64." "Super Mario Sunshine." "Star Fox Adventures." Hell, even "Castlevania" Metroidvanias, when thinking about drop rates. (Somehow, even having single-digit percentage drops in those games felt way less painful than this game's 25% drop rate for Lizalfos tails.) But, "Zelda" games? Really, it took fixing Rito Village to get some comforting music back. Even longer than that to find something new that felt thematically on point…

I could be a catty bitch about taking forever to get Link in green or the unexplained reasons for Riju and Zelda getting a haircut, but I will let that slide. (At least, for spoiler/meta-related reasons, I could see where Zelda's haircut makes sense. Riju's feels more like not wanting to deal with model clipping issues…)

I'm gonna be honest. I don't think it's necessary to play every "Zelda" game. "Link's Awakening" is narratively a waste of time, and most of "A Link to the Past" and "Oracle of Ages/Seasons" have slid out of my brain. I haven't been motivated to try "Minish Cap" or anything starring Toon Link past "Wind Waker" (which absolutely rocks in terms of Ganon interpretations.) I've got one major problem that I will forever be salty with regarding "Twilight Princess", but I won't tell a person to pitch it, either.

Where does this leave "Tears of the Kingdom" in the heap?

Here's my recommendation:

Wait for the Nintendo Switch 2 to release.

See if a Zelda game comes as a launch title for it. (It's possible that a Switch 2 version of this game may be released. See the release schedule for "Twilight Princess" and "Breath of the Wild" for evidence supporting my quack conspiracy.)

If not, buy "Tears of the Kingdom" second hand/on sale.

This game was a bit of a punishing experience, but I think that was more my fault than the game's. It really has too much going on, and you have to tell it to go jump off a cliff, from time to time. (Charge me for trying to help clean up your spilled cart, will you? Be gone, wench!) Keep your goals focused and manageable, follow the main plot, and enjoy that. It's really all the game wants from you. Everything else just spirals into self-inflicted punishment and time you can't get back.

Man, would the Ocarina of Time changed this plot!

[shakespearefreak]

Meredith Stepien's Jacob Marley from A VHS Christmas Carol is gender goals for my dramatic, business-suit-loving enby transmasc ass. Just LOOK AT HIM. If I looked like that I think I'd have 0% dysphoria.