#CULLENARY PUSSY

[bitchesofostwick]

MAIA IM SCREAMING

this is so fucking hilarious omggggg thanks for taking my shitpost tweets and turning them into something i’m DYING 😂😂😂 drag that boy it’s what ellinor would want omfg

but really omg thank you so much for thinking of me today!! i love this and i love YOU 😍❤️

How do you go about asking your boyfriend why he’s being so suspicious?

Ellinor sits on the end of the bed in Cullen’s room, and she’s only half-focused on successfully braiding her hair while she watches him lounge against the pillows, a pleased smile on his face, his hands clasped and resting on his stomach. It’s not that she’s not used to him being so relaxed, nor is she upset that he is, but they only woke up half an hour ago and he’s been like this the entire time.

“Are you going tell me what this is about or what?” she asks, squinting at him, frowning.

“What?” Cullen replies innocently.

“This!” She drops her half-finished braid and gestures towards him in exasperation. “You’re being so weird, babe.”

He looks offended. “I - No, I’m not!”

“Yes, you are!” She laughs and returns to her braiding. “Was I talking in my sleep again or something?”

Cullen sighs wistfully. “I wish.”

Ellinor leans over to slap his leg and he squeaks, moving it out of her reach. “No, you didn’t,” he answers finally, watching her as she works. “I’m just… happy.”

She narrows her eyes. She doesn’t know exactly what he has to be happier than normal about, and it’s irritating her to no end that she doesn’t know what it is. Forcing herself to focus on her hair, Ellinor stands, crossing to fiddle with the gifts on his desk from her birthday last night.

Well, most of the gifts are there, but Olivia refused to give it to her in front of everyone at the restaurant, and apparently it’ll be waiting for Ellinor when she gets back to her room. She hopes it’s not some cute thing that Olivia and Cullen teamed up to get her, because she’s sure she’d cry, and she really doesn’t want to cry today. And Cullen’s gotten her enough already.

She hopes he hasn’t planned on giving her anything more, because she’d probably make him return it.

When she turns to look at him again, he’s raised his arms and placed his hands behind his head, leaning back against his headboard while he watches her. 

“I hate this,” she says. “Just for the record, I hate this, and I hate you.”

Cullen laughs, low and rumbling, and even though she’s nowhere close to him she swears she can still feel the vibration of it anyway. 

“What?” he chuckles. “I-I’m just sitting here, Ellinor, I’m not doing anything suspicious.”

She secures her braid with the elastic around her wrist and crawls onto the bed, moving across the mess of blankets towards him. 

“You are,” she tells him, drawing herself up onto her knees so she can climb into his lap, where he welcomes her with open arms. “And I’m going to find out what it is, lover boy, whether you like it or not. Even if I had to tickle it out of you.”

Cullen’s face contorts in horror. “You wouldn’t,” he says.

“Oh, I would,” Ellinor murmurs as she wraps her arms around his neck. “Or we can do this the easy way and you can just tell me what’s making you so smug.”

He sighs, resting his hands on the small of her back. “Can’t a man just be happy to be with his lovely girlfriend?”

“Babe…”

He frowns. “Okay, okay!” he exclaims. “I just… Okay… You have to promise not to laugh at me -”

“Cullen -”

“Just promise,” he interrupts. “Please?”

Ellinor sighs, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to the bridge of his nose where his skin is wrinkling in thought. “Fine,” she tells him. “I promise I won’t laugh at you.”

He smiles a little, pleased with her answer.

“Okay,” he begins again. “So… You know how… Okay, so you know yesterday at the restaurant, when everyone was talking about my… What did you call it? My boring taste in food? Or was it bland?”

A sound rises in Ellinor’s throat that’s torn between a groan and a giggle. “Maybe,” she says, wincing a little. “But it’s just a joke -”

“Anyway!” He continues on, face straining with determination. “While you were too distracted arguing with Sera, I told the waiter to change my order to spicy ramen. And…” He smirks. “And you didn’t even notice.”

“What?” Ellinor frowns. “What are you talking about?”

“I…” His eyes flicker up to the ceiling as he tries to find the words to explain. “I ate spicy ramen last night, Ellinor, and I finished it without you even knowing!”

Oh, Maker.

He can’t say anything else before she starts cackling, backwards somersaulting out his lap and pressing her face into his pillow, howling and giggling until she’s out of breath. “I told you not to laugh!” he says, offended.

She pulls her face up from the pillow, laughing. “That is quite possibly the sweetest and dumbest thing to be proud of I’ve ever heard.”

He crosses his arms over his chest. “You’re mean,” he grumbles.

“Oh, Cullen.” Ellinor raises a hand to cup his cheek. “It’s more sweet than it is dumb, I promise.”

“It was really good, too,” he says with a pout. “Has spicy food been this good this whole time?”

Before she knows it, she’s laughing again, and he’s holding onto her waist so she can’t drag herself away again. “That was a joke!” he breathes, laughing too, now. “Ellinor, please, you know I like spicy chicken wings! Cassandra and I eat them every time the Superbowl is on!”

That only makes her laugh harder, and it feels like a year has passed when she finally looks up at him.

“I can’t wait for Olivia to recount this story at our wedding,” she says softly as the giggles subside, allowing him to pull her back against him.

Cullen smiles at her. “Yeah, I -” And then he stops. “Wait, what?”

—

modern!au ellinor belongs to @bitchesofostwick ! the fic is inspired by isabella’s relentless tweets calling out cullen for being a culinary (cullen-ary haha) pussy:

happy happy birthday isabella!!! so grateful that i met you <3 i hope your birthday is wonderful!!!