#CHAPTER FRIGGIN 19 PLANNED OUT OF COURSE LOL

[saltpepperbeard]

**REWRITE** These Words are a Lie ~A Joshifer Fanfiction~ Chapter Two

A/N: Holy moly does it feel weird to write that title again. But hello everyone! This may seem a bit odd, but trust me, this has been a long time coming. I was super hyped when I published chapter two back in 2015. Over the years however, the chapter has gotten uglier and uglier to me, the characterization/motivation just BEGGING to be fixed. And of course very recently, my writing motivation has returned home from war lol. So naturally, I FINALLY decided to rewrite this chapter as a fun little exercise!

I have to say that I’m much happier with how it turned out. It ended up longer than the original of course; no surprise there lol. But I’m really glad I did this, and I had so much fun diving back into the TWAAL universe again! (And yes the banner got a glow up too lol)

Disclaimer: This chapter contains strong language and explicit sexual content.

The original/old chapter two can be found here [x]

All chapters can be found here [x]

And without further adooooo....

After a plethora of love-soaked reveries and heated dreams, I awake with a start. It takes me a moment to come to terms with where I am, come to terms with reality. The second I do, I’m met with a lifting relief and a crushing sadness.

The clock on the night stand reads 3 AM, and I’m still in my Berlin hotel room, Josh asleep in bed beside me. I’m so happy he’s here. His presence alone takes a giant weight off my shoulders. His presence alone hoists me away from all the bullshit I’ve dealt with for the past few weeks. It reminds me that life is hopefully headed in a simpler, happier direction, one where my ex isn’t constricting me.

Losing Nick however, and having Josh to fill the holes, unfortunately has problems of its own. Looking at him as my best friend, Josh does wonders with making me feel better. He always knows how to make me smile, always knows what to say, and always makes me feel like I’m home. I suppose he’s a little too good at making me feel better, because even to this day, he still surpasses the “best friend” title in my heart.

After everything we’ve been through, after all the twists and turns our lives have taken, I still long for him like nothing else.

The thought is amazing, but so incredibly frustrating.

I’m away from Nick, sure. But I wish I could undo even more. I wish I could go back to our first break up and never look back from then on. I wish I could go back to Hawaii and fully commit to who I’ve deeply loved after all this time.

But I can’t. The damage has been done. And now I’m stuck here in limbo.

A long sigh slips from my nose as I eye Josh in the darkness. Even though he’s turned away from me, he looks absolutely conked out, his body sagging heavily into the mattress. My expression shifts to a sad ghost of a smile as I continue to stare, the dreams picking back up even in my wakeful state.

What would it be like if Josh was lying in bed beside me not as my friend, but as my partner...

What would it be like if Josh and I had spent the night peppering each other with kisses instead of platonic hugs...

What would it be like if Josh and I had fallen deep into each other and fucked the night away...

I sit up a bit more with alarm, almost feeling ashamed of myself for having such a thought cross my brain.

God, I’m such a mess. My emotions and composure are really such a mess.

Any sane woman wouldn’t jump from guy to guy like this. Although, perhaps I never fully “jumped” from the start. Nick and I definitely weren’t in love weeks ago, months ago. Anything we did wasn’t even remotely genuine. What I’m thinking about Josh however...

I bite my lip and decide that a bit of fresh air might do me good. I definitely need to clear my head.

As carefully and quietly as I can manage, I roll out of bed and head out onto the balcony. The cool night air is instantly refreshing, and I greedily inhale deep lungfuls as I attempt to calm myself down. I focus on anything and everything that can distract me from thinking about the man still asleep in my bed. The Berlin traffic down below, the gentle whisper of a breeze in my ears, the sound of the sliding door opening behind me...

A bolt goes up my spine, followed by a slight sense of dread. Guess distracting myself isn’t in the cards for tonight.

Another sigh huffs from my nose, and I pivot to see a very sleepy Josh, still rubbing the exhaustion out of his eyes as he steps on to the balcony with me.

“Hey...” he murmurs, his voice thick and raspy.

“Hey...” I whisper back.

“What are you doing up?” he asks, moving to stand by my side.

I chew my lip nervously, avoiding both his gaze and question as I turn to look over the city below.

“Just couldn’t...sleep I guess.”

Josh seems to consider this, a slight silence following my answer, before he continues.

“A lot on your mind still?”

“You have no idea...”

Another pause. And consequently, without either of us saying anything, my thoughts begin to whirl.

God, I wish I could tell him. I wish I could tell him everything, tell him the truth. I wish I could be perfectly open and honest with my feelings, and have everything work out just the way I want it to.

But I’m stuck. I’m trapped. And there’s no telling when things will come out.

I grasp the edge of the balcony, the metal cool against my fingers. Just when I’m about to truly spiral, a gentle hand against my back shifts things, if only for a moment. Josh rubbing soft circles silently comforts me, but then sends my thoughts reeling once more.

He’s such a great friend.

He’s such an amazing person.

He’s an absolutely perfect man.

God, I love him so much.

My grip turns so hard that my knuckles begin to white out, tears threatening to build in my eyes. I must tense up as well, because the hand against my back slows to a halt.

“You okay?”

I nod, but the moisture I was fighting to keep away ends up pooling in my vision.

“Jen...” Josh murmurs, his tone a bit more solemn.

Just like earlier, just like when he came into my room, he breaches the barrier of my composure. Because when I turn to look at him and open my mouth, all that comes out is a sob, followed by streams of tears.

This time though, he doesn’t say anything. His face falls, his mouth setting into a tight line, before he simply holds his arms out for me to fill. I do so without question.

He holds me tightly as I cry for everything I’ve lost, everything that could have been. Though I’m so incredibly fortunate to have him in my life, call me selfish, but I want more. I want all that he is.

“I hate seeing you like this,” he murmurs, breaking me out of my thoughts, “Everything will be alright, Jen...It’ll get better...”

I could cringe at those words, giving a few more sobs into his shoulder.

“I just want everything to be...simple for once, you know? I want everything to just...fall into place...”

He lets out a sigh against me, nuzzling his head against mine. He allows me more time to cry, more time to get my more extreme emotions out, before I can practically feel his demeanor change. He perks up a bit, his entire form running warm and sunny against my stormy attitude. When he leans back a bit, I cannot help but follow, pulling away a tad to catch his eye.

“Well,” he starts, and I cannot help but notice the twinkle in his gaze, “I don’t know if I can mess with how your life unfolds. Manipulating time and space wasn’t included in acting training.”

Despite my tears, I let out a snort, one that’s enough to bring out the crooked grin I’ve fallen in love with over the years.

“But I can however, at least try and make things a bit better tonight?”

He then reaches up with a hand to brush a few of my tears away, his thumb gently swiping across my cheek. It’s enough to bring my smile back, which only intensifies his.

“So since we’re already up, how about weeee order some food and drinks through room service, put on a shitty movie, and...stay up until things fall more into place?”

I laugh despite myself, despite everything still circulating around through my head.

“You’re an idiot, Joshy...It’s three in the morning...”

“I didn’t hear an answer,” he chuckles.

I give a shaky inhale, contemplating if it’s wise to interact with him more in such a state. But who knows; it might be beneficial to spend the night with him as a friend, and break myself out of the thirsting cycle I’ve got going on.

Anything’s better than lying awake trapped in my thoughts anyway.

So pushing my hesitance aside, I sniffle and return his smile.

“Yeah...Let’s do that.”

xXx

We go back into the room, and it isn’t long before we’re surrounded by various forms of alcohol, munchies, and movies. I’m quick to turn to drinks to numb myself, to white out my mind, getting buzzed faster than I planned to. While he initially gives me shit for using alcohol to cope, teasingly calling me Haymitch and what not, it doesn’t take Josh long to follow.

We laugh and talk, eat and drink, attempting to pay attention to the chosen movies as much as possible but barely doing so. The entertainment is more between us, a stream of drunken jokes and jabs pouring out of us.

It’s just what the doctor ordered, spending time with him like this. It’s just the two of us acting like idiots in their twenties. It puts me in my place.

Three turns to four, and four turns into five. Though the booze continues to run rampant in our systems, we begin to wind down a bit, flopping against the bed and trying to focus more on the television.

And just like usual, the whole friendship element begins to chip away, something far stronger attempting to win me over. Just when I happen to be at my utmost weakest as well.

In my state of growing mental and physical exhaustion, I find myself laying against Josh, my arm thrown messily across his chest and my head atop his shoulder. He holds me in a loose embrace, the two of us quieting down as we try our best to watch whatever’s on the TV.

“I needed this...” I murmur after a bit of a pause.

“I know you did. How are you feeling?”

“Reaaaaaallly good,” I reply, my voice clearly coated with liquor.

Josh snorts, before laughing a bit at my intoxicated state.

“Glad to hear it. Sorry if you wake up with a headache tomorrow, though,” he chuckles.

“Whatever. I was probably going to have one anyway.”

He chuckles a bit again, before snuggling closer and starting to rub my back once more. I let out a long breath and relax even further against him, getting lost in his touch and comfort.

A bit too lost I suppose, because before I can even process what I’m doing, I press a soft kiss to his chest, my lips brushing against his skin. It’s a silent thanks for everything. It’s a hint of my longing towards him. It’s definitely not how two friends should be acting.

My logic eventually catches back up, and a bolt of fear runs down my spine. God dammit, I’m slipping. I’m slipping something terrible. I can feel the alcohol washing away any and all self-control I may have. I can’t fuck things up for us. Not again. No matter how much I may want to, he’s my friend. He’s...

My argumentative thoughts are cut short by Josh’s hand stilling on my back. I hold my breath, wincing as I prepare for him to question my motives. Oddly enough, he does the exact opposite of what I expect; he leans down and presses a gentle kiss against my temple.

God, I love it. It sets me completely alight, warmth shooting from where his lips touched my skin to every nook and cranny of my body.

Josh and I have always been a bit more physically affectionate with each other. Platonic kisses have never really been out of the question. But with my current circumstances, in my current state of mind, a simple kiss takes me to a whole different state of being.

It rekindles my romantic thoughts. It makes me want to kiss him until the sun comes up, until the liquor runs dry. It makes me want to get locked in his embrace and never come out. It makes me want to smother him with all the pent up love I’ve been accumulating over the past few months, past few years.

And of course with love, stronger, more salacious thoughts are quick to follow...

My breath catches, soft shivers beginning to course through me. It’s like I physically have to hold myself back from falling victim and completely ravishing him. I have to aggressively restrain my impulsive side, my eager side, and hold on desperately to my more logical, calm thoughts.

But as the warmth spreads, it gets harder, and harder, and harder, and harder.

I have to come up for air, pushing myself up off of Josh and sitting beside him instead. I avoid his gaze for a moment, attempting to reign myself back in with deep, collected breaths. I’m almost about to leap off the bed and take some time to myself, to ensure I don’t do anything stupid.

When I chance a glance at Josh however, when blue looks into warm, wonderful hazel, I lose it. I lose everything.

His stare appears to be soft, loving, curious. And if I didn’t know any better, I’d almost say his pupils are quite enlarged, like he’s gazing upon me with the same desires...

I shut my eyes, trying so hard to hang on to whatever composure I have left. But I can still see him behind shut eyelids, and so I feel the last bit of willpower crack into pieces, a subsequent twitch rolling through me.

My breaths turn shaky, and I open my eyes so I can reach forward and cup Josh’s jaw, desperately begging him to help set me straight.

But he doesn’t. I don’t see any hint of confusion, disgust, or any other negative emotions really. He just continues to look at me with those enticing, handsome eyes of his.

“Fuck...”

My whisper comes out slightly pained, slightly ashamed. That doesn’t stop me from leaning forward though, everything directing me to get what I want.

“Fuck, Josh...” I whimper, almost in a sort of messed up apology before I pounce.

And pounce I do.

It’s like time skips forward; maybe we do have the ability to manipulate it after all. Because in one second, I’m still hesitating, and in the next, I’m crushing my lips to the mouth of the man I truly desire.

It’s heaven. It’s everything. I haven’t kissed him this way in so long. All of our more recent kisses have been for the cameras. I haven’t had him all to myself like this in what seems like an eternity.

It’s almost like my lips were made for his, gliding and sliding perfectly through them. His lips and stubble provide a wonderful mixture of velvety soft and scratchy gruffness that I grow all the more lightheaded, all the more eager to drink him in.

As I greedily kiss him however, as I suck and smack and coax, he doesn’t appear to be doing the same. And when I realize my actions aren’t being reciprocated, I snap a bit more to my senses, a slew of worry flowing through me.

He doesn’t want it. I was just convincing myself otherwise. I threw myself onto him without him feeling the same way. The alcohol painted lies and fed me with false hope.

I almost start to panic, and though it pains me to do so, I start to lean away to break our beautiful connection. Josh has always been one for surprises though; instead of letting me go, he finally comes to and chases after my mouth.

I could almost cry from his silent permission, the kiss entirely mutual now. And so I eagerly hop right back in, gaping against him and hoping he follows my lead. He does, joining me in the lascivious, messy, amazing kiss.

Our lips meet and clash in a continuous stream, like we’re just as desperate to get that forbidden taste from each other. When his hands reach up to frame my face, tugging me even closer to him, I cannot help myself; I begin to moan and whimper through each advance.

It was stupid to think that I would be satisfied by just a good make out session alone. Because sure enough, the deeper and deeper we kiss, the hungrier and hungrier I get. I quickly start to crave more, quickly start to want to connect with Josh in every way, shape, and form.

God, if I could fully have him tonight...

Caught up in the moment, in my emotions, in my intoxication, I need him. I need a taste of what could have been. I want to experience this with him before it’s all ripped away again; the universe never seems to bring us properly together.

So naturally, stubbornly, I want to take advantage of what’s happening here and now. I want to go through with what we’re both feeling.

Though every part of me is already on fire, my pelvis completely goes ablaze, raging the strongest of all. It practically takes hold of the rest of my body, leading me to climb onto Josh’s lap, straddling him as our kiss continues. He groans as I do so, but suddenly, he begins to slow down, not returning my advances as much.

“Josh...” I whimper against his mouth, breaking our seal to pepper his jawline with kisses and nips.

Again, he vocalizes, letting out a heavy sigh. But he doesn’t chase after me like I thought. He seems to still even more.

“Josh, I want you...” I whisper into his skin, solidifying my desires.

Another heavy sigh puffs from his lungs, and his hands creep up to my shoulders, pushing me slightly.

“I...I can’t...” he heaves.

My heart flips within my chest, and I quickly go back to kissing him, attempting to rekindle his spark.

“Shhh, you can...” I murmur into him.

“Jen...”

Now he chooses to be persistent. Now he chooses to stop us. He gives my shoulders a harder push, guiding me off his lap and onto the bed again. When I look into his eyes, I see the same pain, the same look of attempted self control, that I was showcasing earlier.

“No...We have to stop.”

I open my mouth to argue back, before floundering and biting my lip instead.

“It’s not a good time right now,” he continues, panting softly.

“Josh...” I start, stubbornly trying to keep things going, despite being well aware of the consequences, “There’d be no repercussions, no problems. And definitely no regrets from my end.”

“I’ve heard that before...”

My heart sinks into my stomach, his words transporting me back to years prior. When we were crazy for one another. When things were just as complicated. When we fell victim to such deep intimacy that we came out hurt on the other end.

A slight glaze of tears well up in my eyes. I just want him without problems. I want him freely. I want him without having to worry about a care in the world.

“Josh...Please, I...”

“Jen,” he starts again, cutting me off, “You’re not in a good head space right now. You need some time to process everything. I think we both do. So how about we just...take it down a few notches?”

I let out a shivering sigh, looking down and preparing to accept defeat. It’s at that moment though, that I notice a very telltale sign of arousal. There’s an unmistakable, definitely difficult to ignore bulge in Josh’s pants, the fabric practically tenting with his erection. I bite my lip, feeling myself clench down below. Josh must follow my gaze and read my thoughts, because I hear him inhale so sharply that it could cut right through the sexual tension.

Slowly, my eyes travel back up to meet his, the air growing hotter and hotter between us. We share a simmering stare, our eyes both swirling with dark lust. But Josh somehow manages to cut it off, closing his eyes and swallowing hard.

“No...” he groans, slightly shaking his head, “No...”

And proving that he’s the stronger-willed individual, he pushes himself off the bed, grasping the back of his neck as he begins to walk away.

“I just...Give me some time alone, okay?”

With that, he departs towards the balcony, leaving me alone, frustrated, and increasingly ashamed of myself.

“I’m...I’m sorry,” I attempt to say to him, but my voice comes out in a barely audible whisper.

I feel crushed. I feel sad all over again. It’s like a painful reminder that Josh and I will never be, were never meant to be together.

Before I can feel too sorry for myself and break down completely, I decide to go into the bathroom and shower. I feel like I need to wash all of this, wash all of my emotion, completely away. And I’m sure the warm water will feel soothing in Josh’s cold absence.

I walk into the bathroom and shut the door, not bothering to lock it behind me. I’m sure Josh will leave once he collects himself anyway. I strip away all my clothing, and pause for a moment to grasp the counter, eyeing myself down in the mirror.

My appearance matches what I’m feeling inside; disheveled, chaotic, and upset. I blow out a long breath and hang my head, cursing at how everything currently is. But I can’t control anything. I can’t do anything about it. So after a moment, I simply prepare myself to step into the shower. A distant call of my name freezes me solid.

“Jen?”

I can’t bring myself to answer him. I fear what follows will be something along the lines of “I’m leaving for the night.” And I can’t have that. I don’t want him to go. I refuse to believe I’ve messed up things further. I can’t.

My name leaving his lips draws closer, and closer. Even when he’s right outside the door, I bite my lip, unable to find the strength to reply. But to my surprise, he barges into the bathroom without caution, practically throwing himself into the room.

“J-...Oh, fuck...”

I can practically feel his stare, his eyes leaving small fires as he flits them over my bare form. Without the slightest bit of shame or embarrassment, I turn to face him, perhaps even flaunting my body a tad. And I find a very frustrated, very handsome, very hard Josh in the doorway.

I watch him curiously, and admittedly delight, as the last bits of his composure come crashing down. He practically falls against the wall, nostrils flaring, eyes squeezing, biting the back of his hand as he fights to the end. I can hear him groaning and letting out a slew of expletives, my heart speeding up as I watch. I reach out with my mind and figuratively wrap my flames around him, enticing him to come back on the same plane of passion.

“You...You drive me insane, you know that?” he grumbles against his skin.

“I know.”

He lets out a series of sharp breaths, before he finally makes eye contact again; but not without giving my nakedness another sweep.

“Dammit,” he whispers, “...No repercussions?”

My heart flips within me, practically skipping beats at his question. We’re so close to having each other. So so close.

“No repercussions,” I breathe, “I promise.”

“This is stupid...”

“Probably.”

He gives me one last look, and then I visibly see the final walls come down, his body slacking as he gives in to his wants a well.

“Fuck it; c’mere, Jen...”

He doesn’t have to tell me twice.

I skate across the tile, my feet barely touching the floor as I rush to him. And in seconds, I’m eagerly pressing my body into his, locking us into another kiss. He moans and I capture it, before sending the noise back, mewling my utmost need. Having him like this, kissing him so deeply, feeling his erection pressing into me...

I instantly go lightheaded with lust, my body and mind a bursting firework of emotion and feeling.

He must want this as much as I do, because without really giving us time to kiss, he’s leading me backwards and out of the bathroom. I eagerly chase after him, continuing to claim his mouth as we go along, excitement and anticipation rushing through my veins.

We quickly weave back into the bedroom, and the moment we reach the bed, he pivots me so I’m poised against the edge, sitting against it. I’m immediately on the same page as him, and spread my legs wide open with a sigh, welcoming him to be as close as humanly possible. The air quickly perfumes with my scent, and I watch as his eyes roll, taking every bit of me in.

He takes my invitation and steps up between my legs, fiddling with his drawstring pants. In his desperation, our desperation, he pushes both his pants and boxers down just enough to allow his length to spring out.

I take a moment to appreciate him, sighing and smiling at how large he is, at how ready he is for me.

He returns the expression, grinning crookedly, dirtily. I watch with interest and admiration as he takes himself in a hand, pumping a few times with subsequent grunts from his throat. I take my bottom lip into my mouth, before brazenly taking him as well, wrapping my fingers around his length. He lets out a hissing noise through his teeth, which shifts into a groan as I tug him forwards, leading him to my entrance.

I rub his head through my damp, swollen folds, shutting my eyes and savoring the feeling. We both let out moans and gasps, before Josh takes over, giving a small thrust of his hips and nestling the tip of his erection into my depths.

“You want this?” he growls, “You really want-”

“Don’t talk; just fuck me,” I breathe, wrapping a hand around his neck and pressing him to get on with it.

A visible shudder rolls down his form, his eyes rolling slightly once more. When he doesn’t immediately take me, I give the situation more fuel by adding, “...Hard.”

And with that, he brazenly latches his mouth to my neck, and sheathes himself deep inside me with a strong, fluid thrust.

Instantly, I see stars. Just from his entrance alone, I already want to scream in pleasure, my body completely at his mercy. It is absolutely astounding, the difference it makes when I’m experiencing this with a man I truly adore. After years of waiting, years of wanting, it feels like nothing else I’ve experienced before.

Josh goes through with my request. He doesn’t give me time to process things. Right after his initial thrust, he takes me carnally, driving his pelvis into mine again and again. We both sing out our pleasures, utterly delirious with the feelings we’re granting each other. He stretches and pounds me perfectly, and I swallow him up and clench around him with equal precision.

It feels right. It feels so right. It’s like each thrust erases reality away, hoisting me to a place where it’s just Josh and I. It’s like each movement deep within is Josh taking me back, claiming me as his once more. It’s like each hard shove of his length slowly turns the tables back to Hawaii, erasing every trace of my ex and going back to a time where Josh was my only focus.

It’s extraordinary. It’s everything I’ve wanted for the longest time. I could live in it forever.

“Mmmm fuck,” Josh’s pleasured grunt sounds, breaking me out of my trance, “God, Jen...”

“Don’t stop...” I croon back in return, holding on to his neck and riding the force of his movements, “Oh God, Josh...Please don’t stop...”

He certainly doesn’t. If anything, he intensifies his thrusts even more, driving into me so hard that I’m forced to fall back against the mattress. He reaches down to hoist my legs up, grasping my hips to give himself more leverage as he continues his wonderful assault.

I’m writhing and screaming and tossing my head, completely lost in the pleasure he’s giving me. It must be equally as good for him, because he’s far more vocal than I remember, grunting and moaning and yelling my name.

I can feel my release approaching quickly, and for the first time, I don’t want it to hit. I want to prolong this moment as long as I can. I want to have him this close, inside and out, for the rest of my days. But unfortunately, our bodies dominate our minds, racing to orgasm even if we don’t want them to.

When I feel myself beginning to tense, I almost try to fight against it. When I feel Josh’s fingers atop my clit, coaxing me to race ahead of him, I almost want to slap his hand away. But damn if it doesn’t feel divine, his body working me straight to my glorious finish.

I’m overrun with pleasure so intense that I’m surprised my keens don’t break the lights. My entire body explodes with sparks and fire, shooting up from where Josh is touching me to every ounce of my being. My vision whites out, and for a moment, I really do feel like I’ve entered heaven.

But Josh is quick to ground me, just as he always does. I come back just in time to hear his final, cracking yell, before he shoves deep inside me and lets out numerous spurts of his release.

I lay on the bed in a wondrous daze, clenching tightly and swallowing up every last bit of him, like I’m fighting to keep a piece of him forever.

Completely satisfied, completely satiated, and completely exhausted, my eyes droop as the room fades from existence, practically floating on cloud nine. I don’t have the strength to stop Josh from slipping out of me, but he’s quick to fill the gap by flopping down on the bed beside me.

The two of us simply lay drunkenly together in post-coital bliss, the once chaotic room only filled with our quieting pants now.

I don’t think too hard about what we just did. I don’t take anything into consideration. I simply enjoy the moment, appreciating it for what it is.

When Josh crawls further up the bed to rest near the pillows, I lazily follow, nestling my bare, full body against him. He flops an arm atop me, and the moment I snuggle into his chest, it’s no surprise that a much needed slumber overtakes me, falling into a perfectly content rest filled with nothing but the man of my dreams.

xXx

Though I do indeed awake to a rather nasty headache the following, my body feels lighter than the pillows behind my head. I let out a long and content sigh, stretching my limbs and enjoying the warmth still radiating out to my extremities. What happened just hours before still feels like a dream to me, reality not fully sinking back in yet. Still halfway locked in my reveries, I reach out to caress the man beside me, hungering to continue and to never wake up from this.

But when my fingers dust across an empty, cold mattress, I do.

I snap awake, sitting bolt upright in bed. And when the sheets fall off my form, revealing my still-naked body, reality hits with an excruciating force.

Josh is gone.

Josh and I had sex last night.

Oh God.

Anxiety and dismay are both quick to set in. Though I vaguely remember us promising each other that there would be no repercussions, we were obviously too out of our heads to fully commit. Because we’re best friends. Two best friends who are still pretty much linked to other relationships. Two best friends who have been cut deeply by this same thing before.

Oh God.

I wanted it so bad. I wanted him so bad. And as messed up as I was last night, there was no stopping it. I hungered for that little taste of him like nothing else. But for what? Messing us up again? Messing him up?

Shame pours through my veins in droves, manifesting as tears that are quick to coat my vision.

“J-Josh...” I whimper out, praying that he’s in one of the other rooms, that he’ll reply to my call.

My suite is just as empty as my bed.

Moisture pours down my cheeks as I throw myself out of bed, slipping on a robe and searching around. My heart sinks further and further into my stomach the longer and longer I search, the hotel room feeling very much vacated. But as I pass by the window, I catch a glimpse that sends a sob of relief from my throat.

Slowly, cautiously, I open the sliding glass door and step out onto the balcony, next to a rather pensive-looking Josh. Though I’m so glad he didn’t leave, I can’t bear to look at him. I’m feeling increasingly guilty, all the memories and visions of last night pouring in one by one. It was mutual, yes, but I was the one who initiated it, the one who pushed it.

I can feel his eyes on me, his stare forcing more tears out of my own. He continues to look at me, and I know I have to say something. I know I have to apologize.

“We...We shouldn’t have done that...”

I hear his intake of breath, and still feel him staring, so I’m quick to continue, “I mean...I shouldn’t have done that...It was all my fault, Josh, I’m sorry...”

I wait for him to step in with his two cents. I wait for him to chip in with his eloquence and maturity. When I’m left with silence however, I cannot help but sob.

“Josh, I’m...sorry...I was way too worked up last night and....it just...got to me.”

More silence. I’m starting to think nothing I say will come even close to fixing the situation.

“Can...Can we just forget this ever happened?...Please?”

He lets out a long sigh, and finally speaks up, his voice hoarse and low.

“I think that’s easier said than done...”

My composure, as fragile as it’s been over the past couple of days, snaps right in half once more. My sobs pick up, audible hiccuping-noises sounding from my throat and visible shudders rolling down my body. Though my eyes are now shut from the force of my cries, I can practically feel Josh deflate beside me.

“Jen...”

I don’t look at him. I don’t move. A pair of gentle, warm hands on my shoulders however, coax me to do so, beckoning me into my favorite embrace. I’m still devastated, surely, but I feel immensely better that he’s hugging me. I wrap my arms tightly around his neck and bury my face into his collar, continuing my weeps and never wanting to let go. To my utmost relief, he holds me back just as firmly, his hands rubbing soft circles against my back.

“I...I didn’t want to...” I hiccup into him.

“Didn’t want to what?”

“I didn’t want to...fuck things up again...for us...I was so...fucking stupid...I’m sorry...”

“You’re...”

I hold my breath as he inhales deeply and lets it out with another long sigh.

“You’re not stupid,” he murmurs, “I acted out of impulse too. I mean, I think it was pretty obvious that I was caught up in the moment as well. So we’re both guilty in that respect.”

My heart flutters a tad at his words, a hint of comfort trickling back in. Anxiety is still in the lead however, making my arms wrap even tighter around him, locking him into my embrace.

“Please don’t leave me...” I moan.

I feel his breath catch, before he hugs me closer as well.

“I’m not going to leave you...”

A particularly sharp sob sounds from me, and I feel one of Josh’s hands venture up to cup the back of my head, cradling me and rubbing his fingers soothingly against my scalp.

“Jen, I’m not going to leave you,” he murmurs firmly, “I promise.”

His words flood me his warmth once more, and I feel my sobs letting up a tad. I snuggle closer into him, nestling my face against his skin.

“I mean,” he starts with huff of laughter through his nose, “What’s a drunken fuck between two friends?”

I cannot help but laugh at the absurdity of it all, shaking my head at the both of us.

“God, Josh...Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?”

“Yeah, but I guess we’ve never been ones for being normal,” he huffs again, before his voice takes a more serious tone, “And it’s not like we haven’t done this before.”

I let out another puff of mirth, but my heart sinks again as his last words do. I chew my lip for a moment, before leaning back in his arms, meeting his eyes for the first time this morning. When I’m met with the usual gentleness, the usual warmth swirling around his hazel depths, I gain the strength to continue.

“You’re more to me than just...a rebound, by the way...”

His eyes search through mine, blue and hazel silently communicating.

“I didn’t just jump on you to forget Nick...There was more to it than that...I just...”

The truth poises itself on my tongue. The need to admit my true feelings wells up dangerously in my chest. But as per usual, it all crashes, my body deflating as the truth blips away once again.

“I don’t know...”

“Regardless of why it happened, what’s done is done,” he says, still continuing to rub my back, “So how about we just...try and look past this?”

I can feel my heart crack a tad at the missed opportunity. Another chance to be with Josh, gone, obliterated. But inwardly I know he’s right. Inwardly, I know we have to, for the sake of our friendship at least.

“It’s going to be weird...”

“Maybe at first,” he agrees, before I see that teasing glimmer in his eye, “I mean after all, I’ve seen my ‘annoying sister’ naked. And we ended up doing it. Pretty hard to look past that.”

“Josh!” I gasp, rolling my eyes with a groan that eventually shifts into a few huffy rounds of laughter, “Oh God...Why’d you have to bring up the fucking annoying sister thing again...I hate that. And you just made things worse.”

“No I didn’t!” he chuckles, “We’re from Kentucky. Totally normal.”

“Jesus,” I laugh, “You’re awful.”

We both laugh together, chasing the anxiety within away. It comforts me immensely that we’re still able to banter as we do, even after such a life-changing incident.

When we quiet down, smiling and gazing into each other’s eyes again, I have to proclaim at least something.

“You mean a lot to me, Joshy...”

His stare softens, his smile turning solemn and gentle.

“You mean a lot to me, too. There was no way in hell I was going to throw you away over a slip up.”

My smile must fade a tad, because he’s quick to add, “A mutual slip up.”

Tears well up in my eyes again, but they’re happier, relieved. Even though yes, I am still worried about the future, worried about if this will end up impacting us in any way, it comforts me tremendously to know that Josh is still by my side.

“Thank you...” I whisper, throwing myself back into his arms.

“You’re welcome...”

He inhales as if he’s going to continue, but instead settles on hugging me back in return.

I don’t think much of it, simply glad that we’re okay, that nothing erupted from our impulsive act of passion. As I continue to embrace him under the light of the rising sun, bathing in warmth and contentedness, I can finally feel myself starting to relax.

I guess things will be okay after all.