#CELINE MY QUEEN LOOK AT THIS PRETTY FLOWER I FOUND

[royalich]

Breaking my neck elbow deep in ore in the mines because I found a cool bug luc would like and I gotta go find him to show him lol

[heyyyharry]

Chapter 12: Ex’s And Oh’s

(from the My Girl Trilogy: Be My Only)

…in which their relationship is no longer a secret.

AU: actor!Harry, older!Harry, younger!Y/N, (4-year age gap).

Chapter 11: When The Morning Comes - Harry has a special surprise for his girl.

Wattpad link

A/N: I was going to include some flashbacks, but I thought they would fit the next chapter more so I decided to save them for the next chapter. Enjoy!

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Y/N still couldn't believe this was real. It seemed like it'd only been yesterday that she and Celine had been two little girls dreaming of growing up, now here they were, at Celine's wedding. Twelve years had passed like a beautiful daydream.

The ceremony was held by the lake behind their secondary school. On that sultry day in mid-July, the lake was as flat as a giant mirror and the air was pungent with the fragrance of jasmine. The last time Y/N had been here was with Harry for their first date, so now she was trying not to think about the events of that night while being surrounded by Celine's and Amala's family.

Before the ceremony, Celine had insisted that she and Y/N got ready together. They'd done each other's makeup and put flowers in each other's hair like when they were little. And Y/N had cried a lot despite having told herself not to shed a tear before the 'I do's. Celine had tried to comfort her, but in the end, both of them were crying.

Nine-year-old Celine had wanted to become an actress, and nine-year-old Y/N had wanted to marry the boy next door. Even though that dream didn't come true for Celine, she had found her new dream in Amala. Now Y/N couldn't help but wonder if it would be the same for her. She hoped she was a different case, because she couldn't imagine standing at the altar with anyone else but the boy next door named Harry.

With wind in her hair and a smile on her face, she looked around, at the dresses and the suits and the faces of the attentive guests. If Harry had been there, he would've been watching her instead of the brides, and she would've motioned him to stop staring, knowing for certain that he wouldn't.

But Harry wasn't there. Instead, she spotted another familiar face at the third row across the aisle. Isaac pressed his lips into a small smile and waved at her as she did the same. With his golden hair pushed back, he shone among the guests, and she thought that blue suit looked great on him. It was a shade darker than the color of his eyes but it helped brighten them, and even from this distance, she could see those eyes sparkle in the last pink light of the day.

It was hard to tell if he'd been watching her this whole time, or they had just made eye contact by accident. However, she didn't allow herself to overthink. She was just glad that he'd decided to come.

"...with the joining of hands and the giving and receiving of rings, I now pronounce you, partners for life."

All the guests got up for a standing ovation, and petals were tossed in the air as everyone was cheering for them. Breaking the kiss, Celine enthusiastically told all the bridesmaids to take a couple of steps back. This was definitely Y/N's favorite part of a wedding. Although she wasn't going to participate, she still wanted to see the single ladies fighting each other for a chance to be the next bride. It would be hilarious.

On the count to three, the bouquet was thrown above them, and all the bridesmaids except for Y/N rushed forward, attempting to grab it. Ironically, it flew straight toward Y/N. She caught it with reflexes so fast that she didn't realize she'd had it in her hand, until one of the girls said, "Y/N is next!" And everyone was clapping and whistling for her.

Holding the flowers and smiling from ear to ear, she turned around, once again, making eye contact with Isaac. Both of them shared another awkward smile before looking away, and didn't exchange a word until the wedding reception.

The night was falling, but the guests hadn't lost their energy. The room which held the wedding reception buzzed with the excited chatter of adults and the laughter of little children running between tables. Soft music was playing while couples were slow dancing near the stage, as were Celine and Amala, who had got lost in their own world with their heads on each other's shoulders. Y/N was one of the few who stayed seated, for she didn't have to be on the dance floor to have fun. She was fine here, with a drink in her hand, observing the others and mumbling the lyrics of the song she knew by heart.

Beauty queen of only eighteen She had some trouble with herself He was always there to help her She always belonged to someone else

"Hey."

The voice grabbed her attention. She looked up, blinking fast as Isaac towered over her and offered his hand.

"Dance with me?"

"Only if you don't mind me stepping on your feet." She beamed.

Shaking his head, the man chuckled. "Let's step on each other's feet then."

I drove for miles and miles And wound up at your door I've had you so many times But somehow, I want more

The last time they had slow-danced together had been at her father's wedding a year ago. Neither of them was good at it, but they had gotten much better since. In the middle of the room, they swayed lightly, not skillfully, but at least they knew what they were doing. Her hands were placed on his shoulders, and his on her waist.

"I love this song," he spoke, breaking the silence between them.

"You know this song?"

"Of course I do."

As if he feared she would not believe him, he started singing along with the wedding singer. His voice was low and soft, almost similar to Harry's singing voice, but at the same time, very distinct. It was strange that she'd never heard it before.

"I love Maroon 5," he confessed with a bashful grin. Y/N should've known that already, but sadly, she didn't. He had never mentioned it until tonight.

So now it was clearer why they hadn't worked out. They didn't know each other as much as they thought they did.

I don't mind spending every day Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay a while And she will be loved And she will be loved

"You've gotten so good, Smiley."

The comment made her chuckle. "At dancing?" she gasped. "God no! I think it's you who's gotten so good that you think it's me. I'm not even comfortable in these heels."

"Oh." The man tilted his head to look at her feet, his brows arching when he saw the Christian Louboutin shoes. He must've known how expensive they were from the first glance since he worked for fashion magazines, with A-list models. A student like her could barely afford her own rent, let alone these shoes. She was glad he didn't ask her how she'd got them.

"If they hurt you, you could just take them off," he said, making her giggle.

"Then I'd be too short for you and it'd probably strain my neck."

Isaac laughed as the girl scrunched up her face. If she'd been honest though, she would've said Harry had bought these for her, and it wouldn't feel right to promise to wear them and then discard them halfway through the wedding reception. She couldn't bring up Harry without making this awkward for them both.

"Are they a gift?"

"From a friend, yeah."

Isaac didn't comment on her vague answer and went on, "they're probably in the wrong size."

"No, they fit perfectly." She shook her head, trying not to sound so defensive. "It's psychological, I think. I'm probably not used to wearing such expensive shoes."

Isaac snorted, saying he understood and then added, "it might be difficult to walk in them now, but as long as the shoes fit you and you love them, you will get used to them."

She knew he was still talking about her shoes, but her mind instantly linked his remark to something else. And now she couldn't stop thinking about it as they kept on dancing, using the music to fill the missing conversations.

And she will be loved...

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Meanwhile, dusk was slowly falling in the city of Paris.

As the street lights clicked on, Harry crossed the Seine and walked right down the centre of the street, not far away laid The Eiffel Tower. Every time he came to Paris, he would just wait until sunset to stroll around the city. Paris looked magnificent at night and he always enjoyed the evening chill more than the warmth of the day.

He used to date a French model, and this was Ruby's second home, so he knew pretty much everything about Paris. But this time, the city of love felt like a stranger. Whenever he was missing someone, all the places he knew so well would become unfamiliar. No matter if it was Paris, London, or even his hometown Holmes Chapel. Without her, everywhere would be foreign.

Walking past a crowd of tourists, he turned up the music playing through his earphones, quickened his pace and a corner of his mouth quirked up as Love Song by Lana Del Rey came on. Before he left, Y/N had made him a playlist so that every time he listened to it, he would think of her. They didn't share the same music taste, but slowly and strangely, these songs began to grow on him, and now he knew all the lyrics and some of them had become his favorites.

What was she doing now? He wondered while waiting for the green pedestrian traffic light. He hoped she was laughing and drinking with her high school friends, and for once didn't have to worry about anything or anyone, even him. But then again, his possessiveness took over, and he couldn't help but fear that she would have too much fun with Isaac. Friends or not, he didn't like to see them together, and that was something he could and had only admitted to himself.

He and Ruby had been a mistake from the start. Isaac and Y/N, were different. Isaac had (maybe still) truly loved Y/N, and she could always go back to him if it didn't work out with Harry. The thought frightened Harry, making him feel like their relationship was hanging by a thread, especially now that a photo of them kissing had got out. It was always the things he couldn't control that hurt him the most. So what if his love wasn't enough to keep her? What if they had to say goodbye when they still had so much love for each other? What would he do with all that love if she was no longer there to receive it? There was no way he could give it to someone else. It would always be her. It had always been her.

He snapped back to reality when a taxi driver cursed him for crossing the road a few seconds too soon. Quickly, he apologized and dashed forward before he got run over. It wouldn't have been right to get through a day in Paris without coming across a grumpy taxi driver. Welcome to France, he thought.

Fifteen minutes later and he was back to his hotel. He had to be on set at 6 AM, therefore, he should go to bed early. The wedding reception would keep Y/N busy, so he might as well have some alone time for himself, even though he'd rather see her face and hear her voice.

But right as he entered his room and shrugged off his jacket, the loud ringtone made his steps falter. He pulled out his phone from his pocket and heaved a long heavy sigh at the name.

Ruby.

He should've blocked her number a long time ago, but then again, he remembered that he'd tried and he couldn't. So he hesitated, staring at the screen while the ringtone kept on playing. Half of him wanted to ignore it, the other half was worried that she might be in trouble.

It had been that way from the start. Her seeking help and him coming for the rescue. He had gone through hell and back for this woman but when would he ever learn?

With a sigh, he picked up, and she greeted him with the breathy sound of his name. "Harry..." she sniffled. He guessed she was three sheets to the wind now. "I need to talk to you. I know I shouldn't be calling you when I'm like this but...fuck...I'm sorry...I just—What does she have that I don't?"

"You're drunk, Rubes," his voice was strained and his eyes squeezed shut as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Hang up the phone and go to sleep."

"Can't..." She chuckled wryly. But right before he could scold at her, she hung up, leaving him startled. Then, there was a knock on his door.

"Harry."

It was Ruby. She was right outside. Harry was agitated as she knocked louder and the called his name more desperately.

When he opened the door, she lost her balance and stumbled forward, thank God he was there to catch her. His arm came circled around her waist and pulled her up before she hit the floor. Kicking the door closed, he helped her stand with her back against it, but she moved closer, attempting to kiss him. He reared back from her in an instant, grabbing her wrist and pushing her away.

"God, you're a fucking psycho," He murmured, taking her upper arm. "Let's go. I'm driving you back to your hotel."

"No!" she screamed, shoving his chest back. Anger crossed his face as he caught her arm again. The helpless look in her bloodshot eyes instantly brought him back to their first night together. In only a matter of seconds, the memories flashed before his eyes, freezing him to the spot.

He saw them sitting in a bar. It was 3 AM, and she refused to go home. Her boyfriend at the time had never hurt her the way her stepfather had when she was sixteen, but his words had hit like a fist. As someone who had been physically abused since she was so young, she'd grown used to physical pain. There had been a period when she'd been addicted to inflicting pain on herself. People would call her brave for surviving, but little did they knew, it was the unseeable wounds caused by those painful memories that killed her every day. She'd seen a few different therapists, but eventually found better comfort in the wrong places — in the drinks and cigarette smoke.

That night a few years back, she had been crying, and he had held her in his arms, and the next thing they knew, they were fucking in his hotel room. For them, sex had never been sensual and slow, it had always been hot, hard and intense. He had thought that if he couldn't have her love, mind-numbing sex would do. But he regretted it now. All of it.

He knew when she came here, she had expected a different ending to their story. But it had begun with alcohol, a distraught Ruby, and sex, so it would just end the same. Only this time with her being drunk and heartbroken. He couldn't give her that one last thing she needed.

"You don't love her...you...you can't..." She shrugged his hand off to claw at her throat and sink to the floor, sitting with her knees to her chest.

"Yes, I do," he said. He hated that he hurt her, but those were the words she needed to hear right now. He just couldn't figure out how to make her understand them.

"You're lying," she trembled, shaking her head nonstop. "You can't love her...She just...She'd been missing from your life for years and then came back out of nowhere and suddenly she's the love of your life?! It doesn't make sense."

"Stop," he warned, still she kept going.

"What does she have that I don't?"

"Don't talk about her."

"She's a fucking child. She doesn't know how to handle you."

"Fuck you! What did I just say?" he finally snapped, his eyes darkened with rage, but it didn't scare Ruby as she pushed herself off the ground and stepped toward him.

"We were perfect together."

She attempted to touch his face, but this time, he grabbed her shoulders and pinned her to the wall. As he looked into her eyes, he felt...nothing. Where there used to be love, which turned to hate, which turned to guilt, then pity, now was just a void. From the consternation swimming in her eyes, he thought she was gradually seeing it through, and if he let go, she might just collapse.

"Being with you was like waiting for a bomb to go off," he began, his voice was brittle and lifeless. "I always felt like I loved you more than you loved me. I loved you so much, so fucking much that I would've died for you, Rubes. I would...I would've died for you..."

"Har—"

"You had a choice and you chose to leave. So now it's time for me to choose. And I choose her."

When Harry finished, he stepped back, letting her go as his arms came down to his sides. Although she managed to stay on her feet, she looked no better than a corpse as she gave him a quivery smile. "So would you die for her?"

"I would live for her," he said. "She saved me."

Ruby couldn't have expected that response, so she just stared at him open-mouthed, stuttering, pallid. She looked at her toes before glancing back up to catch his eye. "I'll go now," was all she could say.

"I could give you a ride."

"No, thank you." She waved him off. "I'll call my chauffeur."

Just like that, she was gone, and he felt a sense of relief as the door fell shut.

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That night, Harry could barely sleep.

He knew he'd done the right thing, and there couldn't have been a better way to cut Ruby off for good. But now that it was over, he was even more alarmed than before. Lying awake and staring at the ceiling, he imagined dark clouds forming above his head, and his intuition told him something bad was about to happen. It was only a matter of time before it did.

And it did.

One of the guests at Celine's wedding had posted a photo of Isaac and Y/N slow dancing at the wedding reception. The person had tagged Isaac because she or he had easily recognized 'the famous photographer'. Isaac had fans, many of which were Harry's too. And one should never underestimate the power of social media. It took only one second to share a post and ruin someone's life. By morning, the photo and many theories had surfaced the internet as some people had discovered that Y/N was the same girl he'd kissed at his birthday party.

It was during his lunch break that his manager texted him about 'the new photos'. He hadn't gone on the Internet for two days so he didn't know what Jeff was talking about. But now it finally dawned on him that 'the new photos' was the reason his co-stars had been treating him differently. They had been nicer than usual, and he had been too ignorant to notice.

Scanning his eyes around the room, he began to feel on edge as if all the surrounding whisperings were about him. The many disembodied voices were penetrating in his ears, so he snuck through the fire exit door and found himself sitting on the staircase, checking his phone. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been so afraid to go online, for he wasn't new to the toxicity of the internet. Still, it wasn't just him this time. He'd also dragged Y/N into this mess.

There wasn't just one, but five different photos of them at his birthday party, taken from the same angle as the one that got leaked a while ago. But these were in much better quality. Harry could only scroll down to the fifth comment on the post of the update account, when he began to feel dizzy. Some assumed Y/N was cheating on Isaac with him. Some suspected that Y/N was just another one-night stand. But the majority believed that she was using him.

For them, Harry Styles, the man who had stolen somebody else's fiancée and never had a relationship that lasted more than a couple of months, was incapable of committing to someone who loved him as much as he loved her. Years of media training had prepared him for worse scenarios than this, and normally, the women he'd been with would've been used to this too.

But his Bambi wasn't like them, or him. She was the little girl next door he'd grown up with. The same girl who wore dark clothes so she wouldn't stand out in the crowd. The same girl who kept a journal because she wasn't comfortable sharing her thoughts and feelings with just anyone. The same girl who enjoyed midnight car rides because she found solace in being alone and invisible. That was why he'd been doing everything in his power to keep her safe, and he'd thought she'd be the safest when she was home with her father and her friends. These photos, unfortunately, had proven him wrong.

Holding the phone at his ear, he shoved his other hand into his messy curls and kept on muttering "pick up, pick up, pick up", until she did.

"Harry." Her wheezy voice almost made him cry.

"Baby, are you okay?"

"Yeah," she said, but with a sigh. "Celine showed me the photos, but I haven't read anything people say."

She sounded calmer than he'd expected, which was worse. If only she'd burst into tears or got angry and blamed this all on him. At least then he would've been able to tell what she really felt. "I'm so sorry, love..." he said, lowering his voice to a whisper. "I'll figure something out. I just...God...I wish I could be there with you."

There was a long pause, yet he knew she was still there because he could hear her breathing. She just needed a bit of time to think before speaking up. "It must be the same person who posted the first photo. They were just waiting for an opportunity to release these..."

"I think I know who it is..." He was out of breath, and he could imagine the look on her face as she murmured cautiously, "who?"

His girl would hate to hear this as much as he hated to say it. But secrets had hurt them more than the truth had, so he didn't see the point of keeping one from her now. Especially now.

"Ruby came to my hotel room last night," he blurted. His shoulders were tight and his hands were clammy as he rambled on, "she was pretty unstable so maybe it was her, but I don't know for sure...She's not here today for me to ask but—She was drunk, and she tried to k-kiss me and...and I told her I loved you...and asked her to leave, I just—God, I would never do anything to hurt you."

"Did she kiss you?"

"No, love..."

"Did you...want...to kiss her?"

Y/N had remained calm since the moment she answered his call, but for this question, she sounded disheartened. Her voice was taut and feeble, and he wouldn't have been able to hear it if it hadn't been dead silent here.

Harry felt a lump in his throat as he pondered her question. "How could you ask me that? Don't you trust me?"

"I do, I do...but...I don't know...Nevermind."

"No, do not do this right now, Bambi!" he snarled with fear that she might hang up. "You either talk to me or I'm catching another flight home tonight!"

He knew she was still unsure when she took another deep breath, but he also knew she wouldn't risk having him fly back just to get an answer out of her.

"You..you loved her a lot," she said. Those simple words were enough to break his heart. He felt sick in his stomach as he pictured her smile falter and slowly fade.

With hesitation, she continued, "last year, on the night I left, I heard you say to her you'd always love her. And sometimes, just...randomly, I would think about it and...it would make me sad. I know you love me, and I know you mean it. But it hurts to think that the reason she keeps holding onto you is that she knows she'll always have you."

"That's not true, Bambi," he almost choked on the words. "She doesn't have me, baby, you do..."

"I've been telling myself that but, well..." she trailed off and laughed wryly. "Would you have come to her last night? I mean, if she hadn't come to see you."

"No."

"Would you have wanted to?" The left side of his chest pained as she began to sound like she could cry. "Fuck, why am I like this? You're the one dealing with those photos of us and I—God, I'm so fucking petty."

"No, don't—don't say that. Just...don't say that about yourself. Do you understand?" He exhaled, gripping his phone with one hand and his hair with the other. "Today, I love you, and only you. Tomorrow, I'll love you, and only you. Same goes for all the days after that until forever. Yes, I loved Ruby. And last night, she was in my room, asking me to take her back. But when I looked into her eyes, I felt nothing. I could never feel anything with her again now that I have you, and you have me. All of me. I promised that I wouldn't run to her again, and I didn't, and I wouldn't have done it last night."

Silence.

"Are you still there, baby?"

"Yes."

"Are we...okay?"

"Yeah, we're okay...Sorry, I'm just—" she stuttered, and the next thing she blurted out wasn't something he would ever expect to hear, "Harry, I'm scared."

The last time he'd heard her say those two words were almost ten years ago, when she nearly broke her neck from falling off the ladder of their treehouse. Being scared was one thing, but it took a lot of anxiety and distress for her to admit it. And to think that the last time she'd been this scared was when she almost lost her life, really tore him apart. Why did he have to be so far away when this happened?

"I'm here, kid. I'm here with you..." His jaw tightened as he rubbed the heel of his palm against his forehead. "Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl, and no one else. Remember?"

"Yes." Though she sounded subdued, he could hear the faint smile in her voice. "It'd be so nice if...if we could just go back to the other night in your backyard and stay there forever. In our world."

"I would love that." He chuckled, attempting to keep his voice light. "Don't be scared, my love. I won't let anything bad happen to you, I promise."

[deservebetterfanfiction]

Chapter Eight

I wasn’t exactly pleased to be going out in the first place, but the fact that I was going with James made it even worse because he insisted on dressing me.

No matter how many times I told him I would be fine in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, but he wasn’t having it.

When he handed me a skirt I had inherited off my mother and never worn because not only was it tight, but it was decorated with rainbow coloured roses. Tight and bright were two things I didn’t do when it came to dressing myself.

I turned to look at him with a dead pan expression, “Really?”

“Ah huh.” He smiled.

I shook my head and pulled the stupid skirt on. If I wasn’t such a push over, I’d be able to stand up to him and pick my own damn outfit. But as it was, I had practically no gumption, so I let him dress me in an outfit I would never have dared to wear normally.

After the tight flower skirt, he dressed me in an equally tight, long sleeved black top and a pair of black heels. I paired it with a pair of hoop earrings and one of my favourite clutches which was a red sequined pair of lips.

James wanted to do my hair but I drew the line and pulled my hair into a low ponytail.

Arm in arm we caught an uber to the address that Kit had texted James an hour ago. James wouldn’t let me even see what the address was encase I googled it and could find out where we were going prematurely.

“You’re not the least bit curious as to where Kit is taking us tonight?” I asked as we sat in the back seat of the uber.

“Of course I’m curious. But unlike you, I love a good surprise.” He smiled.

I rolled my eyes; I hated surprises. How were you supposed to prepare for something if it was a surprise?

What if we were going roller-skating and I had worn heels and a skirt? It was absolute torture.

I tried to gage what we might be doing as the destination drew near and I began to recognize parts of town I began to hypothesize; we were in bar territory, maybe we were going on a pub crawl? Maybe we were going out clubbing again?

There was a bar around the corner that boasted thirty different types of beer, maybe we were doing a beer tasting?

Then the car came to a stop and I peered out the window, my mouth dropping in horror.

“Turn the car around. We’re going home!” I declared.

“What?” asked the driver.

“She’s joking.”

“No I’m not!”

“Get out of the car Nessy.” Said James, leaning over and opening the car door on my side.

“No. And don’t call me Nessy.” I pouted stubbornly.

“Do you guys what to go home or not?” asked the driver.

“Yes.” I said.

“No!” disagreed James before he turned to look at me seriously, “You’re going.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“You guys need to decide what you’re doing; I have another fare waiting.” Said the uber driver.

“Calm down turbo, we’ll be out in a minute.” Snapped James before he turned to look at me, “Don’t make me list the reasons of why you need to get out of this car.”

“Please do.” I said sarcastically, I was positive that he could not possibly say anything to get me out of that car and convince me to go inside.

“If you don’t go in, Kit is going to think your avoiding him.” He said simply.

I balked; except that.

My friendship with Kit was on such shaky ground that I couldn’t afford to rebuff his attempts at bringing together.

Grumbling unhappily, I climbed out of the car and marched inside the establishment.

Pablo was already inside and I slid into the booth opposite him, folded my arms and pouted unhappily, wishing desperately that I was somewhere else.

If James and Pablo found my dark mood irritating, they didn’t show it as the two of them sat there flirting with one another.

I was so focused on maintaining my glowering mood that I didn’t even notice when Kit walked in the door, not until he came down and sat next to me.

“Hey everyone.” He greeted.

“Kit, you’re here.” Smiled Pablo.

He smiled before he turned to me, “What’s wrong with you?” he asked.

“Sour puss over there hates karaoke.” Grinned James.

I didn’t respond as I ground my teeth together.

“Why do you hate karaoke?” asked Kit, turning to look at me with amusement.

I didn’t trust myself to speak, I might let loose a tirade of insults that I couldn’t take back and I didn’t want to do that. So I just stayed silent.

“Oh come on. You can’t be that mad. Who hates karaoke?” he asked.

“I have no problem with watching karaoke. I hate doing it.” I explained through gritted teeth, “And I know the reason we are here is because you want me to get up there and sing.”

“You say that as if it would be the worst thing in the world.” He commented.

I didn’t reply; for me, it would be.

“How about I get us some drinks? First rounds on me.” Kit declared suddenly.

“I’ll have a cosmopolitan.” Said James.

“I’ll have a grasshopper.” Said Pablo.

“Agnes, what do you want?” asked Kit.

“Gin and tonic. Lots of gin. Actually get me a Gin and tonic with a shot of vodka.” I replied.

The only way I was going to be able to get through tonight was if I was drunk. Though I knew I needed to be careful to not get so drunk in that I would throw myself at Kit again. But I defiantly needed a lot of alcohol and I needed it now if I was ever going to be able to loosen up in an environment that made me so uncomfortable.

I was still fuming by the time Kit came back with our drinks.

I took my drink from him and downed my shot quickly before I took a sip from my drink. I hated the taste of vodka, though tonight, I was not adverse to the affect it would have.

“So you’re not going to get up there?” asked Kit, gesturing to the stage, where a man was singing a Celine Dion song very loudly and very out of tune.

“Not on your life.” I said simply as I took another sip of my drink.

“You know the whole point of us coming here was so I could hear you sing.” He said pointedly.

“It’s not gonna happen.” I said as I took another sip of my drink.

“I’ll get up there if you do.” He bargained.

“Well now you have to!” interrupted Pablo.

“Agreed. Do you know how much money I could make selling a video of Jon Snow singing his heart out to Taylor Swift?” asked James.

“I’m more of a Queen fan.” Replied Kit.

At that, I actually cracked a smile as I took another sip from my drink. I was beginning to feel a little buzzed.

“Why don’t you like doing karaoke?” asked Pablo curiously.

I didn’t even get a chance to reply because James did the talking for me, “Well, Nessy here wanted to become a professional singer, once upon a time.”

“Don’t call me Nessy.” I said pointedly.

“Wow. Why didn’t you?” asked Pablo, turning to face me.

I shrugged, as if it was no big deal that I had given up on my dream, “Things didn’t work out.”

“Things didn’t work out and she’s bitter. She can’t even watch X-Factor let alone do some karaoke.” Said James in a matter of fact tone, “She doesn’t like to see other people living her dream.”

“Thank you James, for close-captioning my pain.” I said sarcastically.

“Your welcome Nessy.” He smiled.

I ground my teeth together and took a large gulp of my drink.

“Don’t be bitter Ness. It doesn’t suite you.” Said Pablo seriously.

I rolled my eyes in response.

“You know this could actually be some really good therapy for you if you think about it.” Commented Kit lightly as he took a sip from his beer.

My facial expression showed exactly what I thought of that idea and Kit laughed in response, “Ok, I’ll tell you what,” he began, shifting in his seat so he could turn to look at me, “You get up there,” he said, gesturing to the stage, “And sing one song. Then we can go.” He bargained.

I blinked in shock, it was a hard bargain but it was one I was seriously considering if it meant I didn’t have to listen to one more person murder a classic song.

But something suddenly occurred to me. That as uncomfortable as I was in being in this room, Kit would be far more uncomfortable if he was suddenly thrust into the spotlight and at the mercy of every Game of Thrones fan in the bar.

“You first.” I challenged.

He stared at me, long and hard for a moment and I knew I had won. He wasn’t going to get up there and neither was I. Check-mate.

But then, he got an oddly determined look in his eyes. Grabbing his drink he took a massive gulp of it before he slid out of the booth and headed towards the stage.

My eyes widened in shock; he wasn’t!

He stepped up onto the stage and grabbed the microphone.

Holy shit he was!

Despite being an actor, I knew that Kit didn’t actually relish being in the spotlight. When he wasn’t working, he liked to be as conspicuous as possible. He also had a fragile sense of self confidence, he was always doubting himself and didn’t really believe any of the praise he got, choosing instead to focus on the bad.

Never, in a million years, would I have dreamed he would put himself in not only a position to be noticed, but in one to be mocked.  

The atmosphere in the karaoke bar immediately lifted as people gasped in shock to see Kit standing on stage.  Several people had already whipped out their phones, James included and were recording him.

“He’s not actually going to do it is he?” asked Pablo.

I shook my head. I was still doubting he was going to sing, even as the opening notes of Queen’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ began to play.

Locking eyes with me, he seemed determined to not only prove me wrong but to get me to sing as well. I let him know that it was never going to happen with my smug smile.

“Mumma… I just killed a man…” he sung, very loudly and very off key.

I blinked in shock; no way!

“Wow!” said Pablo, staring up at the stage in shock.

Though I was pretty sure no one in the room was more shocked than me.

“Put a gun against his head… pulled my trigger now he’s dead…”

This wasn’t happening. There was no way this had backfired on me and was actually happening!

“Ness, I think that guys in love with you.” Commented James as he continued to film Kit with his phone.

I frowned in confusion, “What makes you say that?”

“Well, he’s standing up there, making a fool of himself so a, you’ll be more comfortable. And b, just so he can hear you sing.” He said pointedly, “If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”

I sat there feeling shell shocked for the rest of the song.

When he finished the crowd cheered and he ducked his head and quickly rushed back to our table, coming to sit down next to me once more with an oddly triumphant smile.

I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn’t. I was too shocked to do anything.

“Well? Deals a deal Ness.” Said James interrupting my stunned silence, “Get up there.”

I blinked several times, this could not be happening to me.

Turning to Kit I saw that he was smiling a very challenging smile and I knew I had no choice, “Fine!” I snapped.

Grabbing my drink I slammed it down in one gulp before I stood up so abruptly I nearly knocked over my chair. Walking around the table, I grabbed James’s hand and hauled him to his feet.

“Your coming too.” I said, in a tone that invited no argument.

“Me? Why?” he asked.

“So I can make sure you don’t record this.” I said as I dragged him up to the stage after me.

“Only if I get to pick the song.” He bargained.

I rolled my eyes, feeling a little like I was making a deal with the devil, I let him go through the songs and select one.

As the opening notes of the song began to play, I turned to look at the table to see Kit had his phone out and was recording us.

I unceremoniously flipped him off before I turned to the screen and waited for the words to light up that would indicate that it was time for me to sing.

“I found myself dreaming… In silver and gold… Like a scene from a movie… That every broken heart knows…” I sung, reading the words from the monitor, I was a little hesitant because it had been so long since I’d sung in public, “We were walking on moonlight… And you pulled me close… Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone…”

I took the little break in the music I had to try and relax. I was never going to be able to sing well if I didn’t. Nodding my head along to the music, I began to get into the beat, “I woke up in tears, with you by my side… A breath of relief, and I realized… No, we're not promised tomorrow…”

I looked up at my lashes to Kit sitting at the table, smiling so broadly and happily that I couldn’t help but smile back as I sung the chorus, “So I'm gonna love you… Like I'm gonna lose you…I'm gonna hold you…Like I'm saying goodbye…”

As I did a small musical rift I heard Kit cheer.

“Wherever we're standing… I won't take you for granted… 'cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you… Like I'm gonna lose you… I'm gonna love you, like I'm gonna lose you…” I sung smiling to myself at just how good it felt to be singing again as I turned to James as he began to sing.

“In the blink of an eye… Just a whisper of smoke… You could lose everything, the truth is you never know…” he sung, keeping his eyes closed most of the time before he turned to me with a smile and I couldn’t help but smile back, “So I'll kiss you longer baby… Any chance that I get… I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets…”

I’d forgotten how wonderful it felt to be singing in front of a crowd again. Looking out into the audience I could see everyone was watching us, similar smiles of enjoyment on their faces. All of them listening and getting lost in the music.

“Let's take our time, to say what we want, use what we got, before it's all gone… 'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow…” he sung, a smile coming onto his face.

We locked eyes and smiled at one another as we sung together, “So I'm gonna love you… Like I'm gonna lose you… I'm gonna hold you…Like I'm saying goodbye… wherever we're standing… I won't take you for granted… 'cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you…Like I'm gonna lose you… I'm gonna love you, like I'm gonna lose you…”

James and I had sung together a million times and we knew how to harmonize perfectly together. The sound we made together made me smile and I looked out at Kit again as their was a musical break and I beamed at him, so grateful that he had made me get up here and do this.

With that in mind, I gave it my all as we sung the last chorus.

“I'm gonna love you… Like I'm gonna lose you… I'm gonna hold you… Like I'm saying goodbye… Wherever we're standing… I won't take you for granted… 'cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time… So I'm gonna love you… Like I'm gonna lose you… I'm gonna love you… Like I'm gonna lose you…”

As we finished singing the whole bar cheered.

I did a little bow of my head as I smiled while James swept his arm forward and bowed grandly. People were still clapping as we made our way back to our table and sat down.

Kit watched me as I sat down with a surprisingly pleasant smile, “That was amazing.” He told me and I didn’t doubt the sincerity in his voice.

“Well you were a tough act to follow.” I allowed with a smile of my own.

“You sounded great.” He said seriously.

“Thank you.” I smiled, though I had a good singing voice, it was nice to hear him say so.

“If I had a voice like that I would be singing all the time.” Said Pablo.

“Well get on up there!” encouraged James, “Show us what you got.”

Pablo didn’t need as nearly as much convincing as I did. He got up and did a very nice sounding rendition of Katy Perry’s ‘Firework’.

“I don’t know if we’re going to work out.” Said James while Pablo was singing.

“Why?” I asked.

“He seems nice.” Commented Kit.

“Well, I’m team Taylor and he is obviously team Katy.” He said pointedly.

Kit snorted in derision and I rolled my eyes, “You’re the modern day Romeo and Juliet.” I said sarcastically.

James made a kiss face at me before he went back to watching Pablo sing.

The drinks flowed freely after that as we talked about music and any other topic that came to mind.

After getting off to a roaring start, I began to pace myself with ciders instead of liquors. But by the time the bar shut at the ripe old time of ten, I was feeling a little tipsy.

So, tipsy that it didn’t bother me when Kit threw his arm over my shoulders as we walked down the street, intent on finding another bar to drink at. Nor when he pulled me close and pressed his lips to my temple.

Instead I was smiling like an idiot and enjoying the smell of his aftershave.

“You were great up there tonight.” He told me as we walked.

“Thanks.” I smiled before I looked up at him, “I wish I could say the same about you.” I grinned teasingly.

“Ouch.” He said in mock hurt before he laughed.

I joined him and we walked in silence for a few steps, James and Pablo ahead of us, discussing which bar we should go to next.

“You look really great tonight as well.” He said suddenly.

In hind sight, that should have thrown up some red flags, but to my tipsy brain, sounding great up on stage and looking great seemed like a natural progression in conversation.

“You smell great.” I told him with a laugh.

He laughed too and pulled me closer to him again, pressing his lips to my temple once more.

I closed my eyes and smiled at the feeling as I wrapped my arms around his middle in an awkward side hug as we walked. He really did have great lips…

But suddenly I wasn’t paying enough attention to where I was going, to distracted by the feel of his lips on my skin and I wedged the bottom of my stiletto heel into a crack in the side walk. As I made to step forward, the shoe stayed behind and I stumbled to the ground, catching myself on my hands before I could do any serious damage.

“Whoa! You alright?” asked Kit in concern, reaching down to help me up.

But I couldn’t get up. I was too busy laughing, “I lost my shoe!” I giggled.

Kit shook his head in amusement.

“Hey, is everything ok back there?” called Pablo.

“Yeah.” Called Kit, “Go ahead, we’ll catch up.” He assured them.

It was at least a solid minute before I could stop laughing as Kit turned around to collect my shoe from the side walk. I knew I must have looked like an absolute klutz and a drunken mess, sitting on the side walk laughing to myself, but I didn’t care and Kit didn’t seem to either as he crouched down with my heel in his hand and gestured to my bare foot, “May I?” he asked with an amused grin.

“Oh my prince has come!” I giggled, “If the shoe fits, will you marry me?” I asked, fluttering my eyelids dramatically as I continued to laugh.

“Of course.” He smiled as he very gently grabbed my foot and placed it back into the heel before he straightened up, offering me his hand, “Come on Cinderella.”

I placed my hand in his and let him haul me off the ground. But he pulled so quickly and with such force that I stumbled closer to him, nearly falling out of my shoes once more that made me dissolve into a fit of giggles once more.

I was so busy giggling that I didn’t notice how close we were, that my chest was pressing into his chest and that as I stood, his arms circled around me, resting on my lower back and holding me to him.

I was still laughing when he leaned his head down, for some reason I thought he was going to whisper something like ‘bippidy, boppody, boo’, but instead he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine.

I wasn’t laughing anymore.

I felt as if an ice-cold bucket of water had been thrown on me as I stood there absolutely frozen with shock. I may have had the tipsy giggles before but I was stone cold sober now and I felt everything.

I felt the way his lips curved against mine, his tongue tracing my bottom lip, begging for permission to enter. I felt his hands on my back pressing me closer to him so I could practically feel the muscles of his chest through our clothing.

I felt everything and it all felt amazing. But my brain was screaming at me ‘no’ and the moment I was able to gain control of myself, I pulled back to look at him in alarm.

“Kit, we can’t.” I said seriously.

“Yes, we can.” He insisted as he leaned forward to try and capture my lips once more but I leaned away from him.

His hands fell from my back and he stared at me as if I had slapped him.

Unable to take his gaze, I turned away and we stood there awkwardly.

“Why?” he demanded, his voice cold.

I turned to look at him reluctantly, “because we’re friends.” I said immediately.

He shook his head, “That’s not a good enough reason.”

I looked at him in shock, now it was my turn to look like the one who had just been slapped.

“What I feel for you is more than friendship. And I know you feel it too.” He said seriously.

I shook my head and turned away from him, “I’m not having this conversation.” I muttered darkly.

But before I could take even one step away from him, he grabbed my hand and pulled me back to him, “Tell me the truth.” He said seriously, “Tell me you don’t feel the same way.” He demanded.

“I don’t feel the same way.” I lied immediately.

“Liar.” He snapped.

“What is your problem?” I demanded as I ripped my hand from his, rounding on him furiously.

“My problem is you! You’re an amazing girl who I want to be with and for some unfathomable reason, you won’t let yourself be with me and I want to know why.” He said angrily.

“Did it ever occur to you that my life isn’t as simple as yours?” I snapped, “That I don’t just get to go out and do whatever makes me happy?” I demanded.

He shook his head, seeming too angry to speak, “First it was your mother stopping you from singing. Now what is it stopping you from being with me? Your dad?”

I didn’t justify his question with an answer as I glared at him. I didn’t need to answer. We both knew what the truth was, it didn’t need to be said.

“You can’t keep putting everyone else before yourself. Think of yourself for once!” He said seriously.

“I can’t do that! What about that is so hard for you to understand?” I fired back.

“Hey!” interrupted a voice.

I turned to see James and Pablo standing behind us, both of them looking shocked and confused.

“What’s going on here?” demanded Pablo.

“Nothing.” I snapped glaring at Kit for a moment who glared back, “I’m going home.” I announced before I turned on my heel and made to cross the road.

“Agnes,” pleaded Kit, but I ignored him.

What else could he possibly have to say to me that he hadn’t said already?

I could hear the boys discussing something behind me, but I didn’t listen as I began walking across the road.

“Ness! Wait up!” called James.

I didn’t turn around as I waited for a car to pass, just as James came to my side. We didn’t speak as we crossed the road and headed up a darkened street. Anger radiated off me, I was so furious that I was walking far quicker than I should have been in those heels.

“Do you even know where your going? Or are you going to walk the whole way home?” James asked after a moment.

Coming to a stop I finally took stock of my surroundings and realized I had no idea where I was. I hadn’t really been set on any destination other than ‘away from Kit’, but now it seemed that I had achieved that goal and needed to set a new one.

Whipping out my phone, I requested and uber and the two of us stood in silence waiting for it to arrive.

“Want to talk about it?” He asked as the awkward silence stretched on.

“Nope.” I said popping the ‘p’ sound as I stared down at my phone, watching as the uber driver took a wrong turn.

“Fair enough.” He said sounding satisfied.

James was my best friend. He knew when to question me and when not to. Tonight he obviously knew pushing me for information would get him nowhere. I knew I couldn’t get away with not explaining to him what had happened for long. But at least I had tonight as a cooling off period. I was thankful for that at least.  

[sixthousandninehundredmiles]

September 16, 2017 AH so today is essentially my last day in Singapore cause I’ll be at the airport at 3am the next day. And wow it was amazing. Throughout the entire day though, I was just thinking about you and how amazing it would be if you were there. Travelling with people who aren’t that close to your heart is just really different. But nonetheless, its an experience that I will be thinking about for quite some time. Singapore really captured my heart today, cause I actually got to explore more and see what it has to offer. The sights from practically anywhere is beautiful, and the whole city is just so well run. Our day started off with a tour of Chinatown! It was a 2.5 hour tour starting at 9:30, and it was really cool. I felt like I learned a lot about the history, and our tour guide was amazing! She spoke fluent English, and always stopped to give witty and funny comments. She also went extremely in depth when describing each event that had happened. However, the one Canadian girl, shes white, thought the tour was boring l o l. typical. I was kinda annoyed because shes just kind of culturally insensitive, so this tour was just not a good overall choice I guess for her. Oh yeah, jonghong also didn’t come on the tour with us because he was too tired, so we ended up meeting him after the tour was over at Maxwell Food Center again for lunch! I got the Hainanese chicken rice again hehe, and omg the line was so long this time. It wrapped around the building… yeah but it was worth it as expected! I also got myself a mango juice, and that was really good!! I think mangos are a huge thing here.. everywhere I go their specialties will always include mangos haha. After lunch, we decided to go to Gardens by the bay. Gardens by the bay has two main components, the cloud forest and the flower garden. Both were incredible. My favorite one was probably the cloud forest, because it was really green and misty and basically you would take an elevator up and then walk in a spiral back down. That waterfall picture is at the cloud forest! It was just overall really pretty to be in. everything felt really surreal. I was kind of annoyed, because celine always asked me to take pictures, and I don’t mind casue I know how it feels to want cute pictures? But omg I would always take the best pictures for her, and then her pictures for me would be crooked, blurry, and etc. and im just literally like girl. If you take another shitty picture, I will do the same.. like bruhhhh UGH it was just really annoying for me. LOL I need my expert photographer boyfriend basically. It was also kind of frustrating because everyone just had such low energy, so everyone was just super tired, and Idk maybe I just had too much energy? I just wanted to have conversations and talk and laugh WHILE exploring Singapore, but it was more like just walking from place to place in silence. The flower garden was also beautiful, it was much more colorful and its where I took the cinderella picture! Im still waiting on my carriage!! But yeah it was also quite cool, ike they had mini gardens with themes for each one. Like there was a small patch of different kinds of aloe, so they called it “aloe in wonderland” and decorated with characters from the story. That was quite cool. Afterwards, we headed off to Sentosa Bay, because celine wanted a picture of the merlion, it’s the giant lion statue that has the body of a mermaid. According to the stories, the merlion is supposed to protect Singapore from floods and typhoons. Its really big, like we took the picture from a block away so that we could get the whole thing in LOL it was really annoying tho because celine was like super adamant about finding this statue, and when we got here she was like omg this isn’t the one. Turns out the one that she actually wanted a picture with was the one back in Marina Bay…. Like omg did you not do your research???? Confused af. But we still took a good amount of pictures, and then we went to walk around the mini park the lion was in. we stopped by hard rock café for a snack because we were all hungry and I was still craving some good fries. LOL everyone got nachos which looked good but I just wasn’t feeling it so I got some garlic fries. Meh…. Ive had much better but I guess I just have to make do. After going to hard rock, jonghong wanted to show us this one beach that’s manmade I honestly forgot the name..im gonna have to look it up lol but it was pretty ugly. I think its funny cause everything is manmade, even the beaches. Like normal beaches are sloping ya know, so like if you walk out in the sand you’ll be slowly getting deeper, for this beach, it slopes for like 2 feet then drops straight down LOOOL so like if you ever go walking in the beach, if you take like an extra step youd just fall all the way in. LMAO smh smh we also saw a peacock getting chased by a little girl…. Smh Asians control your kids. And celine was annoying me again cause she just refused to go anywhere and sat on the ground, so all of us were like ok lets go back. So we decided to head back to the hostel. At this point it was probably around 6:30-7? So we got back to our hostel around 7:30, and we decided to meet up again at 9 to go out. We were supposed to shower but we were all so tired we just laid down and talked. Thank god celine was in a different room and it was just the three of us or I might have just been so done with her. Shes so high maintenance ugh. We met up again at 9, and decided to go try the really famous satay place in Singapore, its at the Telok Ayer Center, and its outside in stalls 7-8. Its actually quite cool, its like an outdoor satay restaurant, but if you look around theres like these TOWERING skyscrapers. I just thought it was cool to have someone as low scale as outdoor bbq, and then have these massive modern skyscrapers surrounding us. The satay was AMAZING. I don’t think ive ever had such good grilled prawns. That was probably one of my favorite things ive had. It was sooo good, and it was like 41 for 4 people, so I mean 10 per person is pretty worth!! I just loved it. I wanted to order more shrimp but I don’t think they enjoyed it as much as me. They liked the beef/lamb skewers more LOL Then after that we walked along Marina Bay, where we saw more amazing night views. I think I might have to post two different posts with more pictures because I cant show you everything… I think Singapore just looks so beautiful at night. Everything is lit up. We also found the actual merlion statue that celine was looking for, the one that shoots water and we took some photos there too. Whats really annoying is that there was a grand prix car race this weekend, so most of the walkways were closed so we had to take a lot of roundabouts and trying to get a taxi was also a bitch too l o l After the pictures, we headed to Clarke quay, at this point it was like 11pm at night? And we just found a nice bar to sit down in and drink a bit before going clubbing. I really wanted a gin lemon, which was a drink that my friend ordered for me? It might have been called something else, cause hes Spanish so what he told me could’ve been wrong. But the drink I got this time def was not it andit tasted like shit lol so didn’t drink it. And then we went to the club, and while we were walking across the bridge, this one drunk white guy pushes past Vivian and walks towards me and says “wait, hold up” and im like …? And then he tries to reach for my waist so I just back away and I kind of froze up when he came up again. Thankfully Jonghong was there, and kinda shielded me while I darted around him. Bleh drunk people. Entrance to the club is typically 30, but our waiter was nice and just told us to order a drink and they’ll let us in. so our drinks were like 22 dollars? So a little bit cheaper. I got something called the Queen of Hearts, and it was raspberry flavored? And it was actually pretty good. Lmao im so lame, I drank like half of it, and then my cheeks instantly flushed my head began pounding. But we went dancing for a bit, and it was really nicee!! The music was bomb and we were all in a good mood to dance. Everyone was pretty nice overall, no bs guys, and they had a lot of rave lights LOL we danced until 2:30 before jonghong started to feel sick again so we had to go back. We got home around 3, and we decided to lay down for 30 min before leaving for the airport. And that basically summed up my last day in Singapore!! oof what a long post. ^___^