#CC Ch2.5

[earthlyangelbby]

Cupid's Curveball: mini chapter 2.5: The Journal Entries

mini chapter 2.5: The Journal Entries

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Eddie’s Journal Entry 

February 8th, Late That Night

Alright, Munson, let’s get this out of your head because you’re driving yourself insane.

She said it was for Silas. Silas. Some guy with a decent smile and a thing for animals, and apparently, that’s enough to have her all flustered and making mixtapes like it’s some kind of love letter. But damn it, why does every song on this list feel like it’s screaming my name instead?

“Take It Easy” by the Eagles Yeah, because she always tells me to take a breath when I get worked up about stupid stuff. She’s the one who makes me calm, makes me laugh. “Laid-back and classic,” she said. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

“Sweet Child O’ Mine” by Guns N’ Roses This one’s supposed to be romantic, right? The kind of song you play for someone who makes your world brighter? I played this in my van once, and she sang along, all off-key and perfect. She said it was one of her favorites. That wasn’t for Silas, was it?

“I Want You to Want Me” by Cheap Trick Alright, that one’s just cruel. If that isn’t what I’m feeling every damn time I see her smile, I don’t know what is.

“Take My Breath Away” by Berlin She laughed when I said it was a bit much, but hell, that’s exactly what happens when she looks at me like I’m actually worth something.

“Somebody to Love” by Queen Freddie gets it. The whole damn song is my internal monologue whenever I’m around her. But yeah, sure, Silas is the guy who needs somebody to love.

“You Really Got Me” by The Kinks No commentary needed here. It’s obvious. She’s got me, alright. Has had me for way too long, and she doesn’t even know it.

“Let’s Go” by The Cars Okay, that one’s practically ours. How many times have we blasted that in the van, singing like idiots? “Adventuring song,” she called it. Damn right, it’s for us, not Silas.

“Crazy on You” by Heart Oh, I get it. She’s got no idea how much I get it. She picked this one, probably thinking it’s just a good song. But it’s a gut punch every time, especially since it’s how I feel every second she talks about someone else.

“All My Love” by Led Zeppelin Now we’re just twisting the knife. This one hurts because I remember showing her Zeppelin’s stuff, watching her light up when I talked about their lyrics. If she’s giving all her love to Silas, where’s that leave me?

“I Was Made for Lovin’ You” by KISS She joked about it, said it’d make Silas think she’d put out. The words pissed me off more than they should’ve. She deserves better than some guy she barely knows. She deserves… more. She deserves someone who’d do anything just to see her smile.

“Hot Blooded” by Foreigner A joke, she said. But it feels like every time I’m around her, my heart’s pounding out of my chest. She doesn’t even have to try.

“Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin Another Zeppelin track. Another punch to the gut. What the hell does Silas know about love anyway?

“Walk This Way” by Aerosmith Alright, this one’s just fun. It’s us, though. Our energy, our vibe. Not Silas’s.

“Nothing Else Matters” by Metallica This one broke me.

She doesn’t remember, does she? I showed her this song. I told her what it meant to me, how it’s about opening up, letting yourself be vulnerable, and laying it all on the line for someone who matters. I told her it was one of the most personal songs to me. She said it was beautiful. Now she’s putting it on a tape for some guy who couldn’t possibly understand what it means to her or to me.

I didn’t say anything when she picked it. I just wrote it down and forced a smile like it didn’t feel like someone had just ripped my heart out and stomped on it.

I keep telling myself it’s fine. She doesn’t owe me anything. She’s allowed to like who she likes. But damn it, why does it have to hurt this much? Every song, every little joke, every laugh it's like I’m standing on the sidelines watching her slip further away.

She asked me to go dress shopping tomorrow. Said she wanted me there. For what? To help her pick something Silas will drool over? Or to carry her bags and pretend like I’m not in love with her?

I don’t know if I can keep doing this. But the thought of not being there for her? That hurts even worse.

God, I’m a mess.

Your Journal Entry 

February 8th, Late That Night

Dear Diary,

What is wrong with me? I had the perfect chance to tell him. I made the tape, poured my heart into every song, and then what do I do? I blame it on Silas.

Silas! Who isn’t even real! He’s literally just Eddie’s middle name. And now Eddie probably thinks I’m into some imaginary guy when the whole point of this stupid mixtape was to tell him I’m into him.

How does my brain even work? Like, did I think he wouldn’t notice that every song is one of ours? The ones we jam to? The ones we sing at the top of our lungs in his van? Did I think he’d just shrug it off? Or maybe I was too afraid he’d get it, and I panicked. That’s it. I panicked, and now it’s all messed up.

The Songs and Why They Were for Him:

1. “Take It Easy” by the Eagles Eddie’s always telling me to relax, to stop overthinking. He’s my “take it easy” guy. This song is him, through and through.

2. “Sweet Child O’ Mine” by Guns N’ Roses This is how I feel when I look at him. He’s so… him. Beautiful in every way.

3. “I Want You to Want Me” by Cheap Trick Self-explanatory, right? I want him to want me. But I couldn’t just say that, so I said it was “fun.” God, I hate myself.

4. “Take My Breath Away” by Berlin Because that’s what he does. Every single time he looks at me.

5. “Somebody to Love” by Queen I don’t want just somebody. I want Eddie. And I want him to know he’s not alone.

6. “You Really Got Me” by The Kinks This one’s for us. For the way we are together chaotic, fun, and perfect.

7. “Let’s Go” by The Cars Our road trip song. Our dumb-adventure anthem. How did he not remember that?

8. “Crazy on You” by Heart Because he makes me crazy. In the best way.

9. “All My Love” by Led Zeppelin He has all of it. My love. Every bit of it.

10. “I Was Made for Lovin’ You” by KISS Flirty, fun—what I wish I could be instead of a nervous wreck.

11. “Hot Blooded” by Foreigner This one’s about the way he makes me feel. My heart races, my cheeks burn… It’s all him.

12. “Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin This is our song. He’s the one who showed me Led Zeppelin, the one who got all excited explaining why this track was so amazing.

13. “Walk This Way” by Aerosmith It’s loud, wild, unapologetically him.

14. “Nothing Else Matters” by Metallica This one hurts the most. Eddie showed me this song forever ago. He said it was about trust, about letting someone in. He told me how much it meant to him, and I put it on the tape for him. Not for “Silas.” For Eddie.

I can’t believe I let my anxiety mess this up. I wanted to tell him. I really did. But when the moment came, I froze. I couldn’t say it. And now he thinks this was all about some fake guy I made up.

I don’t even know how to fix this. I want to tell him it’s for him that he is the reason for every song, that he is the reason my heart feels like it’s about to burst half the time. But what if I try and it’s too late? What if he doesn’t feel the same?

I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I just… I wish I could tell him.

With hate,

Me