#CAUSE APPARENTLY MY UNI CAN PROVE I LIVE IN MY HOUSE
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Beuocracy, I wish you a hearty FUCK. YOU.
#i just found out my FUCKING TENANCY AGREEMENT ISNT GOOD ENOUGH PROOF OF ADDRESS BECAUSE MY LANDLORD ISNT âTHE RIGHT KIND OF LANDLORDâ#I AM GOING TO SCREAM#CAUSE APPARENTLY MY UNI CAN PROVE I LIVE IN MY HOUSE#BUT NOT MY LANDLORD#WHO I PAY MONEY TO EVERY MONTH#TO LIVE IN MY FUCKING HOUSE#vent post
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Things We Lost in the Fire, ch 25
aka Caleo uni au
Fic summary: Calypso starts studying at a new university, but to her annoyance her new flatmate is a loud mouthed mechanic who also likes to sneak his dog in whenever. But as she learns to know him better, she realizes they might have more in common than what she first thought. Eventually, even the darkest secrets come outâŠ
Chapter summary: Halloween aftermath
A/N: Sorry for the wait again! This chapter wanted to become long (for my chapter) so I just couldn't finish it in time. About the future schedule, there won't be another chapter this week but given it's only Tuesday now, I think I may be able to update again Friday next week. Fingers crossed!
Thanks for all the comments again, you guys make me so motivated to continue! â„ But I won't rant more, now I'll let you know what happens after the cliffhanger of ch 24.
Words:Â 3,8k+
Genre: romance & hurt/comfort
Warnings: none
previous chapter / AO3
...
Calypso woke up with her head banging in pain and a sour taste in her mouth. She also felt like throwing up. What was even worse than that, though, was that she had no idea where she was. She was still wearing a flowy, white dress instead of her pajamas and she didnât recognize the bed she had slept in. Perhaps the strangest part was that she could hear light snoring from the floor behind the foot of the bed. She sat up on the bed so she could see who caused the sound, panic starting to surge in her veins when she recognized the dark mop of hair under a blanket.
It was Leo, sleeping on a mattress that had been taken from the other side of the double bed she had been sleeping in. What on earth had possessed him to sleep there, Calypso wondered worriedly.
Pulling a cover over her (which, she knew, was silly because obviously Leo had already seen her in her dress earlier) she continued scanning her surroundings and slowly started making some conclusions. This had to be Jason and Piperâs house, where they had stayed the night after the Halloween party. A party. Right. Her last clear thoughts were from the moment when she had seen the two Hunter girls arrive at the party. After that, she remembered vaguely fleeing the room and finding something to drink, and thatâs when her memory got really blurry. And that was the truly scary part. She hadnât been truly drunk even once within the past five years but she did know way too well what had happened the previous time she had done that. The biggest mistake of her life.
Before she allowed her mind to draw any more conclusions, she decided to rise from her bed and check up on Leo. He was still sound asleep and since the blanket had partially fallen off of him, she could see that he was wearing a tank top and boxers, which she took as a good sign. Since they both were at least somewhat clothed, she thought it was quite unlikely that they had crossed the line that she was not ready to cross. But that didnât mean that nothing had happened.
âAhem,â she cleared her throat while wrapping the bed cover around her a bit better, trying to make Leo wake up. She needed to do that at least twice more before he finally stirred.
âWha⊠Woah!â He yelped with surprise when he realized where he was and with whom, quickly pulling his blanket over his mostly bare legs. âMorning, Sunshine. How are you feeling today?â
The panic had momentarily made Calypso forget about her headache and dizziness but now that Leo reminded her of it, she realized they hadnât disappeared anywhere. Sitting back on her bed, she sighed.
âIâve been better, thatâs for sure.â She rubbed her forehead for a moment. âThe worst part is that I have no idea what happened last night.â
âYou⊠donât remember any of it?â Leo asked while sitting up, and Calypso thought she could hear a hint of disappointment in his voice.
âI do remember what happened before my first drink,â Calypso clarified. âBut not much after that.â
âIn that case, I think I can help you fill some gaps,â Leo replied. âIf you want to.â
âThat would be good.â Calypso tried to undo some knots in her hair with her fingers, sighing with frustration. âMaybe you can start with explaining why we are both here. I mean, in this room. I think Piper and Jason have several extra rooms in their house.â
Leoâs face turned bright red at the implications of Calypsoâs question. He had to clear his throat before he managed to answer. âUm⊠You were really not feeling well last night⊠And to be honest, some moments you seemed pretty desperate to⊠I donât know, it seemed like you were trying to escape from Thalia and Reyna every time they tried to talk to you. So, um, we, as in, me, Piper, Jason, Annabeth and Percy thought that someone should probably keep an eye on you. Just in case. So. I volunteered.â
Calypso wanted to keep Leo distracted so he wouldnât ask more about Thalia and Reyna so she asked: âBut why you, and not for example Piper? She lives here so it would have been easier for her. You could have just driven home and come to pick me up today or something.â
âThatâs⊠thatâs true but I felt it was my duty⊠as your flatmate, of course⊠to make sure youâre OK,â Leo stuttered. Calypso had a feeling it wasnât the whole truth but she didnât push it. âAlright,â Calypso said. âBut why were you sleeping in this room? Like I said earlier, there are other placesâŠâ
âAhem,â Leo made a coughing sound again. âThatâs because you asked me to stay here. And Iâm not lying about that. You can think anything you want about me but I would not do anything without your consent⊠um, not that any of that has even crossed my mind, gods.â
Even though Calypso was relieved to hear that because it proved that nothing had happened between them, she had to admit to herself that perhaps a tiny part of her was a bit disappointed. Leoâs reply made it sound like he did not have any romantic feelings towards her. Or then he was a liar. Either way, Calypso wasnât sure what she should think.
âI⊠asked you to stay with me?â she repeated instead.
âUm, yeah,â Leo replied, his fingers tapping on his blanket absentmindedly. âYou said something about nightmares⊠and I dunno, you just didnât wanna be alone. Piper asked if youâd like her to stay but⊠you picked me? I donât know why.â
There was a long pause before Calypso answered. Maybe it was her dizzy head making her make decisions she usually wouldnât, but she thought there was no reason to deny it anymore. Feeling the warmth on her cheeks, she finally replied: âThatâs because â I hate myself for this, but - you⊠you mean more to me than her.â
âI⊠what?â Leo frowned, looking like he was wondering if he had heard right.
Calypso sighed deeply and hid her face into her hands. She hated how fast her heart was racing in that moment. âIâve been trying to deny that for several weeks now, but⊠I guess the drunk me was more honest than what I usually am.â
Leo crossed his arms, inching closer to Calypso on his mattress so he could look at her directly. âBut⊠but⊠what does it mean? I mean, I do have an idea because Iâm not an idiot even if I seem like one â but I need to hear it from you.â
âLeo Valdez, it means I like you! In a very non flatmate like way! There, are you happy now?â Calypsoâs voice started cracking and she felt like she was on the verge of tears.
âOf course I am!â He exclaimed, almost jumping up from his mattress. âI think Iâve had a crush on you ever since you got mad at me for smashing your table!â
Calypsoâs mouth opened in surprise. âYou⊠have? But⊠how?â
âWhen you got mad at me that time, I saw some fire in your eyes. Like, OK, Iâm gonna admit that you looked hot from moment one but I didnât care about that. I didnât,â he repeated when Calypso looked at him skeptically. âI know a lot of girls who kinda remind me of you with their shiny long hair, perfect eyelashes, et cetera, but many of them are the type of people who used to laugh at me at high school. And I mean, not in a good way. But when I saw that fire, somehow I was convinced that you were different. You have just the kind of spunk that I like and youâre not afraid to call me out when I deserve it â but youâre still fair and donât judge the book by its cover. Fine, of course I was worried I was wrong and you wouldnât forgive me for that mistake. But, somehow, this one time, I was right. And I only got more convinced as I learned to know you better.â
âLeoâŠâ Calypso was starting to lose the fight against the tears.
Leo looked extremely worried when he realized she was crying. âWhat? I thought youâd be happy to hear that? I like you â you apparently like me for whatever crazy reason â whatâs the problem?â
Calypso tried to brush off the tears from her face before answering, her eyes sparkling with frustration. âThe problem is that you just made this â what I should do â a hundred times harder! If⊠if you hadnât answered to my feelings, I could have just tried to accept that and eventually moved on. But⊠how are we going to live with this knowledge, live under the same roof⊠when nothing can happen?!â
Leo started to freak out. âWhat do you mean ânothing can happenâ? Calypso, could you please finally be clear with me? Why did you just confess your feelings and then say⊠that?â
Calypso didnât miss that Leo used her full first name, a thing he did quite rarely. Her voice was still a bit hoarse when she answered:
âAlright. I have plenty of reasons but hereâs the first one: In the past⊠Iâve had nothing but unsuccessful relationships. I may have been really young back then, but it made me doubt myself, Leo. Several guys I really liked - and I imagined they liked me back - told me some big words⊠only to run to their ârealâ girlfriends at the first possible opportunity. Youâd probably say âbut that was many years ago, screw those guysâ!â
âDamn right, I would!â Leo exclaimed, slamming his fist on the floor next to him to emphasize his point.
â⊠And I wish it was that simple but it isnât.â Calypso shook her head. âThereâs more to that story than I care to explain right now. And then I met Percy a couple of years later and thought that maybe Iâd be ready to try again. Well, you know what happened. It did not work out and I decided that when Iâd finally have my freedom⊠I mean, when Iâd move out and start my studies, I would make sure that I really am ready for a relationship before starting one. And Iâm sorry, but⊠I donât think Iâm quite there yet. I want to learn to love myself before⊠you know.â
Leo finally stood up from his mattress and sat down next to her on the bed, not even caring about the fact that he was still wearing only a thin tank top and boxers anymore.
âI guess I can understand that,â he said, spontaneously taking her hand into his as a comforting gesture. âIâm no stranger to self doubt.â
âThen I guess we have that in commonâŠâ Calypso sighed, allowing Leoâs hands to remain on hers. âHowever⊠thatâs not the only reason why I think it would not be a good idea.â
âWhat else is there?â Leo asked.
Calypso looked down at their intertwined hands sadly. âWell⊠I think Iâve told you my father is not the nicest of guys⊠But the truth is, I left home without his consent or knowledge. So, heâs probably looking for me right now. And if he does find me, I donât know what will happen. I may have to go back. And I definitely donât want him to find out about you. He has money and a lot of power and heâs capable of ruining anyoneâs life if he wants to. Heâd probably blame you for hiding me and have you arrested or something⊠It would break me if something happened to any of you, because of me.â
âWhy⊠Why havenât you told this to me before?â Leoâs grip on her hand tightened slightly and even though Calypso didnât dare to look into his eyes, she imagined that they were burning in anger like she had seen a couple of times before.
Calypso rubbed her forehead tiredly with her free hand. âBecause⊠what would you do in that situation?! Iâd arrive at your home and introduce myself: âhey, Iâm Calypso, your new flatmate, and by the way, Iâm running away from my father who may or may not have kept me as a hostage for several years, but yeah, nice to meet you!ââ
âA hostage?â Leo was practically growling now.
âWell⊠â Calypso was suddenly hesitant, realizing she had revealed more than intended. âI was allowed to go to places⊠sometimes⊠but never alone⊠And I was homeschooled so⊠I did spend a lot of time at home⊠but we had a huge mansion⊠So it wasnât like I was trapped in a basement or somethingâŠâ
âBut that doesnât make it any more right!â Leo was almost yelling now. âI want to do something, I want to let people know what kind of person he is so he canât keep doing that to you or anyone else anymore!â
âLeo, you canât!â Calypso squeezed his hand, finally looking up at him. âDo you know how dangerous that would be?! And I swear, with his money he would only make the police go quiet about the whole situation⊠The main thing is that Iâm here, right now, and relatively safe. Maybe Iâm wrong. Maybe he doesnât care where I am. I donât know what heâs thinking, to be honest.â
Leo was quiet for a while, breathing heavily and fiddling with the bed covers. âWell⊠Fine, Iâll let that be, for now. But I swear to gods, or the River Styx, or whatever the hell those ancient Greeks used to swear on, that if he does something to you, I will not let it be anymore. I⊠and I think I can speak for all of our friends, that we all⊠will make sure that he will go down with a bang.â
Leoâs comment about the ancient Greeks managed to cheer Calypso up a bit. âYou sound like you would physically fight him. And how exactly would you do that?â she asked. âWith your tools?â
âThatâs not a bad idea!â Leo exclaimed, getting into his fantasies. âI would definitely bring my trusty hammer. Or, I could build aâŠâ
âHey, now, I was not being serious! But you sound like you are,â Calypso stopped him by putting a finger on his lips. âI absolutely donât want you to do anything where you could get hurt.â
âMe? Getting hurt? Thatâs unheard of,â Leo attempted to joke once Calypso removed her finger from his lips.
âAlright, now youâre not being serious. Didnât you once tell me that you joke especially when youâre nervous?â Calypso remembered one of their earlier conversations.
Leoâs smirk disappeared. âWant me to be honest? Iâm not great at the feelings stuff. But I just heard you tell me that you like me. For a moment I was like: âhey, for once the chick you like likes you back, maybe this could work outâ. And then you told me that apparently your father is some kind of psycho who is still controlling you, his adult daughter. I am glad that you told me about all this but you canât expect me to stay calm when someone I care about is in danger. You wouldnât stay calm either, would you?â
Calypso shook her head. âNo. Youâre right. I would also want to help you. And I really am sorry, I wish things were different and we could⊠Maybe one day. Thatâs all I can say.â
Leo sighed and ran his free hand through his hair. âOK. I get it.â,
A silence fell into the room as they both tried to take in what had just happened. Some automatic reaction made Calypso lean her head against Leoâs shoulder as if she was trying to tell him with the touch that she really was sorry. She was thankful he did not shift away. Eventually, she asked:
âSo⊠tell me more about last night. Did I embarrass myself badly?â
âNaahâŠâ Leo lied at first, a smile returning to his face as he remembered some of the things that had happened.
âYou just flinched,â Calypso noted. âI felt it. Youâre totally lying.â
âFine. It was pretty funny when you had a karaoke duet with Piper and were too drunk to be able to read the lyrics from the screen so you came up with the words yourself. And at one point you just suddenly switched to Greek and none of us could understand what you were saying. But it wasnât that bad. And even drunk your voice was kinda impressive. And your dance moves were definitely better than mine.â
âWait, what? I danced too? Gods, please tell me no one filmed that,â Calypso asked, horrified.
âI can promise no such thing!â Leo grinned, and Calypso stopped leaning her head against him, instead elbowing him on the ribs. âOw! Iâm just joking! I donât know if Piper got any photo material of that but I was busy dancing with you so I didnât have time to film anything. Promise.â
âAlright. Sorry.â She lowered her head on his shoulder again.
âGuess weâll have to hunt down Piper after this,â Leo said with amusement before recalling something. âAnyway, something kinda weird happened too. Like I said, it really seemed like you were trying to avoid Reyna and Thalia and I have no idea why. Every time they got close, you were like âgotta get a drinkâ or âletâs go danceâ or âbathroom breakâ. Iâm not even sure if you greeted them. Can you explain that?â
âI⊠uh,â Calypso tried to come up with something that she wouldnât have to tell the whole story. âMy half sister Zoë⊠She used to be a Hunter. But she died some years ago. An accident. I think those two probably knew her and⊠the wound is still too deep so I didnât want to have to talk about her. It would have ruined everyoneâs night.â
âIâm sorry,â Leo said, causing chills in Calypsoâs back by running his thumb on the palm of her hand. âI had no idea... Feels like Iâm learning a lot more about you now than I have the past few monthsâŠâ âI probably should have told you about that earlier⊠So Iâm sorry too.â
Leo bit his lip as if he was struggling to decide something. âIf it makes you feel any better⊠I know how it feels to lose someone important. My mum. She died in a fire. Yeah, the fire that started my fear,â Leo confirmed Calypsoâs suspicions. âShe was the only family I had and after that I went from home to home and no one wanted to keep me⊠Sometimes I ran away too⊠That kept going until Emmie and Jo finally found me. It⊠doesnât really get easier, but somehow⊠you still learn to live with it. Because you have to.â
âYeah. I know the feeling. But if you have to find something positive out of this situation⊠at least weâre safe now. And weâre not alone, right? Thatâs what theyâd want for us, right?â Calypso sounded a bit unsure, though.
âYeah. Youâre right.â They stayed quiet for a while, but this time the silence was comforting. Finally, Leo decided to break it, in his typical way.
âNo offense, Cal, but you could use a shower. For all of our sake.â
Calypso quickly sat farther from him. âOh my gods, Leo, that is so not appropriate, especially in a situation like this! Whatâs wrong with you?â
Leo put his hands up defensively. âWas just trying to be honest! The alcohol and the throwing up did not do good to you.â âGeez, I hate you,â Calypso mumbled.
âThatâs fine because I hate you too,â Leo claimed.
âNot what you said a moment ago,â Calypso retorted.
âI could say the same back at you.â
Suddenly both Leo and Calypso burst out laughing, needing to release the tension the whole conversation had created. Calypso didnât remember when she had last laughed that long or hard but she didnât care, it simply felt right in that moment. When she and Leo finally calmed down, she said quietly:
âMaybe we are idiots, both of us.â
âMaybe. But normalcy is not for me. I learned that a while ago.â
âSame, to be honest.â
Calypso and Leoâs eyes met. Some barriers had been broken that day and even though there was still a lot of work to do, Calypso realized that it had felt good to talk to Leo. He hadnât judged or questioned, at least not in the way she had expected. He had seemed to accept that sheâd come out of her shell with her own terms. Something about it all just felt so right, and when she remembered that he had also admitted he liked her back⊠she decided it was time to get a bit crazy. Screw the consequences, if they couldnât enjoy this moment, then what could they enjoy? Thatâs why she let her hand brush his cheek before resting it in his hair, gently lifting his chin with her other hand so heâd know her intentionsâŠ
âDo you think⊠we could forget about the stupid rules just for a moment?â She asked, resting her forehead on his.
âI think Iâm down with that,â Leo smiled at her softly (Calypso didnât like admitting it but that soft smile never failed to get to her).
They closed their eyes and started leaning even closer, but just when their lips were about to meet, the door opened. The couple quickly separated when Piper peeked in.
âI heard some laughter from here so I thought Iâd come to checkâŠâ Then she noticed their expressions. âIâm so sorry! I didnât mean to interrupt!â
âDidnât interrupt anything,â Leo mumbled, although it was quite clear from his voice he was disappointed.
âYeah, no worries,â Calypso tried to reassure her as well, although her eyes seemed to be interested in a wrinkle on her dress.
âOKâŠâ Piper wasnât at all convinced but she didnât comment on it more. âWell, I just wanted to tell you that we have breakfast downstairs. Whenever youâre up to it.â
âYeah, weâll be there in a minute! Just let me⊠clean up a bit.â Calypso exclaimed, getting up and starting to head to the closest bathroom. Leo also got up from the bed and started pulling on the clothes he had had under his costume the previous day.
âSee you soon then,â Piper said, leaving the very flustered couple to get prepared for the day. Calypso could imagine that she and Jason would probably get good laughs from this once she and Leo would leave.
#caleo#leo valdez#calypso#heroes of olympus#percy jackson and the olympians#trials of apollo#my fics#caleo uni au
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Husband Tag
Dean and Cas do the husband tag. Takes place within the Famous Husband verse.
On AO3.
Ships: Destiel
Warnings: none, but if you want me to tag anything Iâll do so happily! :)
~~~~~~~~~~
Dean and Castiel were sitting next to each other. Dean smiled into the camera and started the video, while Castiel smiled at him. âHello Hunters, youâve read the title and probably know whatâs going on already, but weâre doing the husband tag!â
The intro rolled, it was a drawn impala that came down the road, it stopped in the middle of the screen and the drawn Dean gave a wink to the viewers, then he sped off again and the smoke was bridge back to the video.
âHow are we doing this?â Castiel asked.
Dean answered: âWell, I have a list of husband tag questions here, so lets just start at the top and answer one in turns.â
Castiel nodded and Dean offered to go first, which Cas gratefully accepted. Dean said: âFirst question is âHow and where did we meet?â Kinda answered this one in the reveal video already, uhm, next one is âWhat was your first impression?â Okay, I also answered this one, I thought you were scary, turned out not to be true, but what can you do.â
He turned to Cas and said: âWhat was your first impression of me?â
âI thought you were a lunatic.â Castiel answered seriously.
Deans eyes got wide as he exclaimed: âWhy!â
âBecause you jumped me.â Castiel defended.
Dean grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head while he said: âYeah, thatâs fair.â
Dean read out: âWhen did you meet my family?â
He gave Cas a look and Castiel answered: âI met Sam, when he visited the weekend after I moved in, I liked him, he asked questions about my courses and the books I had. It was quite lovely.â
âYeah, cause he is a nerd.â Dean said with an eyeroll.
Castiel looked tiredly into the camera, but didnât comment. He went on: âAnd I met Bobby that summer, me and Dean had hit it off that year and I didnât have anything to do, so we went home to Bobby's place and helped him with the shop for the entire summer. He is a nice man, didnât really trust me at first, but I like to think Iâve grown on him.â
âOf course youâve grown on him.â Dean said, âYouâre family, you know how he is about family. He has one of our wedding pictures framed in his office. You know the one with him, Sammy, Jo and Ellen?â
âReally?â Cas asked.
âYeah, doesnât say anything about it when you ask him, though.â Dean shrugged.
Castiel smiled fondly and grabbed Deans phone to ask him the next question: âWhen and why did you fall for me? Hm, this one is interesting.â
Dean turned bright scarlet as he answered: âIn third year of uni I realized I had fallen for him, but I canât pinpoint the exact moment when it started, probably when you walked through the door.â
âYou sap.â Castiel said with a smile.
Dean batted his eyelashes at him and said: âDonât you know it, angel. But back to the story, there had been a few dudes, their leader was Dick, and they didnât like us for some reason, so they had decided that it would be fun to leave us in the forest at night, donât ask. But we had to get back and while we were hearing all sorts of noises, but Cas wasnât scared and I suddenly though that that was pretty sexy of him and then I realized I found a lot about Castiel pretty sexy.â
Castiel face palmed, but he was smiling.
Then Dean was reading the next question for Cas: âHow long have we been together?â That one is kind of boring I guess, you want a new one?â
âI can do two,â Castiel said, âthis one is kind of short. Weâve known each other for ten years now, weâve been dating for six years and weâve been married for one.â
Dean nodded along with a happy and proud smile, then he read the next question: âIâve skipped a few, cause I want to know this one, âWhat do you love about me?â, Iâm answering this one as well.â
Cas thought about it for two seconds then he looked at Dean and held eye contact as he answered: âI love how you work tirelessly for the things you are passionate about. I love how you care for Sam. I love how your listen to me ramble about work and can remember what I talked about weeks later. I love how you watch bee documentaries with me even though you think they are boring, just because they make me happy. I love the freckles on you nose that I can never seem to count. I love how I can come home and find you in the kitchen singing and dancing in your underwear while cooking dinner for us. I love the little golden flakes in your eyes. I love your smile and your flirting. I love every little thing about you and I always will.â
The longer Cas went on the redder Dean became, he was smiling while trying to duck his head away in embarrassment, but he couldnât let his hold of Castiels eyes go, they remained locked. When Cas was done a tear slipped down Deans face and there was a jump cut.
Dean had puffy eyes, but they were bright and shining happily. He said: âThat was quite a speech, which I know I canât match.â
âYou donât have to, Dean.â Castiel assured him.
âNo, I wanna try,â Dean said and then he told Cas: âI love how you keep me grounded and calm. I love how you would give up everything for me in a heartbeat and convince me Iâm worth it. I love how you became family in days even though it takes most years, just because you fit in perfectly. I love how your eyes light up when you find some random trivia about bees. I love how you listen to me ramble about my car and all the shit I leave around the house for videos. I love how you phrase things. I love how you can seem wise beyond your years and then one second later look like the biggest idiot on the planet. I love how you give anyone the middle finger if you care about something, no matter how scary you find it.â
Castiel was also tearing up a bit, so Dean decided that it was enough and cleared his throat: âThat was enough of a chick-flick moment, just want to add that I also love your ass.â
âDean! My students watch this!â Cas exclaimed, but he was grinning none the less.
âAnd they need to appreciate what a blessing that is.â Dean smirked.
Cas groaned and mumbled: âI hate you, Dean Winchester.â
âAnd I love you too, darling.â Dean sing-songed back.
Cas rolled his eyes, but didnât disagree. He snatched the phone out of Deans hand an randomly read a question of the screen: âWhat is a weird habit I have?â
Dean answered: âA weird habit? Uhhhhh, maybe itâs because I lived with you for so long that I donât find it weird anymore, but you eat an insane amount of burgers, the fact that you are not fat is a miracle. I think Iâve seen you eat ten burgers in a row once, itâs insane.â
âYou exaggerating, Dean. I do not consume an unnatural amount of burgers, they just please my palette and I eat them if I can.â Castiel said with a huff.
Dean smiled and said: âThatâs another one, he can phrase things so strangely, but itâs oddly fascinating how he switches between talking like a human being and a confused immortal.â
âHow many times do I have to tell you that I am not a strange being.â Castiel whined like it was an old discussion.
Without missing a beat Dean said: âWhen you can prove youâre not.â
Cas threw his hands up and said: âHow can I prove Iâm not immortal, without dying.â
Dean took a deep breath, but there was a jump cut before he could answer.
The end card showed and this time Cas sat next to Dean as he said goodbye: âThat was it for this video, please remember to like, comment and subscribe and while youâre there you should hit that bell too, just so you know when I will update again. Any last words to the viewers, Cas?â
With a serious deadpan expression Cas said: âMake sure to subscribe, I have seen a nice vacation Iâd like to go on, so we need the money.â
Dean hit him in the arm and Castiel rolled his eyes with a smirk as he said: âKidding⊠apparently. No, I really was kidding, uhm, see you maybe and have a lovely day.â
âAhw, thatâs a sweet outro, angel.â Dean said, then he turned back to the camera and said: âWell, you heard the man, have a lovely day. Bye hunters, see you on the road!â
Then the screen went dark.
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My heart!!!
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The bickering is real, people
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Just the mental image of Dean
singing along to music while
he is dancing in his underwear
and cooking is amazing, thank
you saint Castiel
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dean out there looking like a
snack
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Their love speeches were so
adorable!!!!!!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dean called Cass angel and now
heâs arguing about the mortality
of the man? Hm, I sense a
CONSPIRACY!
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Iâm sooooo jealous of all the kids
in castiels classes, I mean looking
at that all day, yum!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Why the burgers though? No one
gonna talk about that? No?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
brb just writing down their
speeches as inspo for my vows
I mean, that romance, hot damn
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I find a lot of things about cas
pretty sexy too dean
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
#RR writing#dean winchester#castiel/dean#dean x castiel#castiel#cas#destiel youtuber au#youtuber dean#supernatural#supernatural au
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đ Drunk in Love (last thing I remember) by @lovehoperomance Heâs stumbling to the left of the street, hopeful that itâs in the direction of his flat, when he sees it. A food truck. Lit up in gold. It's as if God has taken a giant highlighter and drawn a halo around it. Okay, so it might be the streetlight shining down on it and the yellow light emanating from within...but Louis will still claim godly intervention if anyone asks.
He weaves across the pavement, shivering in what he now realises is a very brisk London evening, coated in fog.
âHello. Hi.â Louis steps in front of the entire line, waving an aimless hand at the man in the truck who looks completely bewildered by Louisâ antics. The man is littered in tattoos and wearing a green headscarf that matches the sea foam of his eyes. âDo you have any fried chicken? Or a drink? Oh, oh, do you have chips? Oh please tell me you have chips?â
The manâs face, which Louis faintly registers is quite angular, shifts from bewilderment into a stunning, slightly crooked smile.
Or, the one where Louis wakes up, naked, in a stranger's bed and has no idea how he got there. Maybe it's foul play. Maybe it's just the kindness of a handsome stranger amused by his drunken antics. đč Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy by @chloehl10 Harry whimpered as Louis pushed himself up onto his tiptoes, grazing his ear lobe with his lips. His breath tickled Harryâs ears, and Harry swallowed, already anticipating what Louis was about to say.
âIâd like to ride you, cowboyâŠâ
Or, Harry's a barman at Flaming Saddles, a country and western themed gay bar.
Louisâ a customer whoâd like to see if the tall barman is as good on the ropes as everyone says he is...
đ And Thatâs The Tea by @2tiedships2â Iâd like an Earl Grey with milk and sugar, please.
Louis had the phrase memorized, even though it had disappeared off its place on his upper arm over thirteen years ago now.
At fourteen he didnât understand. Soulmarks donât just disappear. Not unlessâŠ
Unless one of them dies.
Or, the one where Louis loses his soulmate before even getting the chance to meet them, and he is in no way prepared for the kind of distraction his new friend Harry proves to be. đč Iâll Fly Away by @vintage-harryâ âHarold,â Louis spoke, but not too loud. He didnât want to startle the cat pile. âLouis? What are you doing home?â Harry greeted him with a toothy smile. âWhy are there three cats?â Louis pointed at the third one. âThatâs Hail. Heâs so sweet.â Louis blinked and shook his head slightly. âWhy is he on the sofa, in the house, on the cats?â âHe lives here now,â Harry stated as if Louis should already be aware of this. He was not aware of this news until now. âSince when?â He poked the cat in the head, his tiny black curtained head with white ears popped up. He mewed softly before blinking a few times. Louis thinks he looked offended. He looked at Harry expectantly. Harry looked fond. âFor three days now.â He smiled at Louis. It reminded him of Dori smiling at Marlin in Finding Nemo.
Or, Louis and Harry live in a small town in Texas of just over 500 people and Harry seems to be growing cats in his garden. Love and fluff. đ Baby Honey 2.0 by @vintage-harryâ A few weeks passed by and Louis had spent a large portion of his time with incognito mode on as he Googled ways to hint at pregnancies. He came up with a few ideas but was impatient and felt uncreative at any idea. The most he read about was for online announcements. Louis decided one day while he was at Niallâs with two kittens laying on his stomach to take a photo and post it. He knew Harry would see it pretty quickly as he had Louisâ Instagram notifications on.
Louis held his phone out and took a few shots of the sleeping kittens on his stomach, thumbed through them and found the one he liked best and posted it with the caption, âThree little kittensâ he hit post and waited. It didnât take long, ten minutes later Harry left a comment asking where the third kitten was. Louis rolled his eyes and deleted the photo.
Or, Louis is pregnant this time and tries to find creative ways to hint about it to Harry. Only it doesnât go as planned. đč fuck fake friends by @artxghoulâ Itâs better to just stay away. So he does. He tries his very best to. Itâs just weird when you canât be happy for someone. When you canât encourage their achievements anymore, because they did it alone or with someone else, when it was supposed to be with you. Harry was supposed to always be with Louis.
Or, if you love someone, set them free. if they don't come back, text them when you're drunk. đ The Daddiest Place on Earth by @chloehl10â dilfs_atdisneyworld: Ooh he's popular. Is it me or has it got hot in here? #dilf #hothothot #gimme
louist91: What the hell? Why the fuck am I on a DILFs page again?"
dilfs_atdisneyworld: louist91, Hello! You're on here because you're a DILF. A dad I'd like to f...đ
Louist91: dilfs_atdisneyworld Oh my god. Fuck off mate.
Or, Louis. Harry. Instagram. A whole lot of confusion and a whole lot of laughs... đč Harry Poppins by @jacaranda-bloomâ When Louisâ best friends pass away he finds himself with an instant family. Maddie and Thomas are wonderful children but take an immediate dislike to every nanny that sets foot inside their house. After nanny number six is summarily dismissed Louis is at his witâs end, that is until an unusual man arrives on their doorstep. Harry Styles is like nothing any of them have ever encountered before, and perhaps, exactly what theyâve been looking for all along. đ tonightâs not over (come over and stay) by @microlouisâ Zayn doesnât say anything for a moment, pausing and worrying at his bottom lip. Finally, he asks, âHave you heard that Cox guy is coming out with a new song?â Louis freezes, fingers hovering over his keyboard where they had been typing his password.
âNo, I hadnât,â Louis says truthfully. âWhere did you hear that?â âTell anyone this and Iâll kill you, but Iâd consider myself a big fan,â Zayn says. His face doesnât change in expression, completely serious as he admits this to Louis. âBig fan? Like run a blog and everything?â Or, harry is a famous singer and louis is a student who just wants to write his novel. đč Fiction Romance by @rougeandtonicâ Harry has a type.
He likes older, sophisticated, mature men. Well-educated men. Men with life experience and passion for arts and social causes. Men who are established in their careers, who've sorted their lives out.
Niall knows this.
And so Harry can't understand why he's sat here opposite Louis Tomlinson.
Or, a punk Louis/uni Harry blind date AU. đ Hope when the moment comes, youâll say I did it all by SilverShadow1Â Standing in front of them with an amused smile was an â there really was no other suitable word to describe him â angelic creature. Soft brown hair that was shaved on the sides and bright blue eyes that Harry had only seen in photos of the ocean; the lad was probably close in age to himself, yet seemed entirely boyish.
âDad, put me down!â demanded Jess with no malice in her voice. Harry looked down in surprise, forgetting that she was in his right arm. âOops,â he said, flushing. That caused the other lad to laugh. âHi,â said the man at the door.
Or, the one where Louis is a piano teacher and Harry and his daughter are goners for him. đč Graphic design is my passion by @kingsofeverything Graphic design student Louis Tomlinson has exams to study for and final art projects to complete, if it would stop raining long enough for him to walk across campus. Luckily Harry Styles has an umbrella, and heâs perfectly willing to share.
Louis doesnât plan to get his heart broken and he doesnât plan to make almost a hundred silicone dildos. One of these things definitely happens. đ i gotta get better! by @dystopianharry Harryâs sex life has been pretty nonexistent since he broke up with his last non-soulmate boyfriend. after a chance encounter with someone online, he decides to enlist them to help him out. no strings attached, obviously.
Or, soulmates can feel each othersâ pain and harry has some kinks he wants to explore. đč Dreaming of You by @mizzwilde The Begrudging Starbucks AU.
The world is winter and steamed milk and creamy espresso shots. The world is a never ending queue. The world is a Starbucks logo and a pink-cheeked smile from Niall and a bored scowl from Zayn and the world is Louis watching his best mate, Liam, fall in love with their newest customer, Harry. Who may or may not be in love with Louis. The world is cruel. đ Through a Mirror Dimly by @londonfoginacupâ Louis Tomlinson, in his third year at university, does not expect nor want the roommate that is being assigned to his room.
Harry Styles, in his first year at university, has just been kicked out of one dorm and doesn't want to deal with yet another snobby, rich roommate.
They don't get along, and that's just how it is, until circumstances force them to reevaluate. đč Raise a Glass to the Four of Us by @2tiedships2 Louis stared at his luggage.
Well. Apparently not his luggage, because the clothing he was looking at currently was a: worth more than everything he currently possessed, b: not his size at all, and c: more suited for a fancy ass lawyer than a holiday in NYC with his best mates.
âOoh, nice loafers,â Niall said as he pulled one out of the suitcase. âI love the rainbows.â
âOkay,â Liam began. âWhat do you want to do first? Eat, shop for new clothes, or spend hours on the phone with the airline?â
Louis continued to stare at the luggage. đ His and Mine by @kissyboystylesâ Harry is adopted by a wealthy family, soon to be cleared of his connection to his soulmate without discussion on his twentieth birthday-- a gruesome rite of passage. For the past eight years, Harry has been staring at one name: Louis. But what happens now that his heart starts fluttering for a stranger, helping him remain strong at his weakest points? Harry feels he should be cautious; what kind of person goes by the name Tomlinson anywayâŠ
Or, Harry legally isn't supposed to meet his soulmate-- he's rendered physically unable to recognize him even if he did-- but yet, of course, he does. đč Drop to Hold You by @becomeawendybird After the end of the Second Wizarding War and the ensuing diplomacy between Muggles and the Wizarding world, the long-defunct Merlin College at Oxford opened it's doors again.
The ultra-competitive programs at Merlin require a rigorous application process. None more than the Auror training program. Louis finally manages to get in with his best friend Liam after a few false starts, only to be faced with the most beautiful, distracting man he could ever imagine. đ The Lone Hydrangea by @lightwoodsmagic âThank you again,â he smiled at Harry as he picked up the arrangement and headed towards the door, and Harry quickly realised he didnât know the manâs name. âI â wait! Sorry, I just...whatâs your name?â At the manâs eyebrow raise, Harry stumbled over his words, âItâs just, if youâre coming back, I thought I shouldâŠknow.â As the man looked at Harry, his smile only grew, and Harryâs heart thumped in his chest. âMy nameâs Louis. Louis Tomlinson, and it was so lovely to meet you,â he shot one final grin in Harryâs direction, âIâll see you next week, Harry.â And then he was gone. âIt was lovely to meet you too,â Harry whispered to the empty shop, putting his head on the counter, âLouisâ.
Or, the post Hogwarts AU where Harry's a florist, Louis' a muggle who edits fantasy books, and they both have no say in how quickly they fall for each other. đč A Little Bit Like Fate by @28shadesofpink âSo,â Harry starts. âSince I heard you and your friend are not getting married, uhm... Would it be appropriate to ask you to stay for the kiss-in?â âReally?â Louis says, light and playful. âAnd who would I be kissing?â He looks up and offers a sweet smile, perfectly innocent. âOh, I donât know.â Harry is playing along, keeping his tone airy, but he takes a step forward and smirks. âWith those cheekbones, I think you could kiss whoever you wanted.â
Or, Louis stumbles upon a kiss-in protest for LGBTQ rights, and he meets Harry. They click. It feels a little bit like fate. đ come together by @bottomlinsons Harry and Louis slept together three weeks ago, and havenât talked.
Their coming group project is gonna change that. đč Seeing Blind by @that-idiot-overthere Louis finally turns his head in Liamâs direction, knows his face is showing the longing heâs been aching with ever since it took root in his chest. âWhat the fuck do I do, Liam? He wouldnât want me like that, but I want-â his voice cracks, and he turns his face back downwards. âWhat do you do when youâre not perfect for the person whoâs perfect for you?â
Or, the one where Harryâs an independent omega who likes to have his fun and Louis is the blind alpha that changes Harryâs priorities. đ Sweet as Cherry Wine by @harrieberrie Broken hearts are healed by the luck of the Irish
Or, Louis and Niall are a mess, Niallâs daughter has a hopeless crush, and Harry is hopelessly clueless đč at the end of my rope by @saffona "Baby?â Harry mumbles, voice laced with sleep and a shiver goes through Louis at hearing the term. He hasnât called him that in so long, in that voice and, clearly, even Louisâ body fucking misses it.
âDid you cheat on me?â Louis finds himself asking. If heâs being honest itâs more so he can see Harryâs reaction, than a genuine question, but what has he got to lose? Sure enough, Harryâs face changes from sleepy to the most incredulous look Louisâ ever seen on him. He actually looks terrified, all wide eyes, mouth gaping like he canât believe Louis would even assume that and Louis would laugh at it, but heâs so done with the way Harryâs been acting, he just wants to know what the hellâs going on.
Or, the one where they go to Crete and Harry is definitely hiding something. đ truth, justice, and the gay way by @hattalove Liam needs a costume. Louis needs a best best friend award, a holiday, and to get a grip.
(Harryâs just in the right place at the right time.) đč Hello My Name Is Harry by @a-brighter-yellow Louisâs 20-year high school reunion takes a turn when a celebrity classmate â who also happens to be Louisâs long unrequited crush â unexpectedly shows up.
A famous/not-famous AU inspired by Chris Evans.
[Previous Monthly Recs]
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Letting Go
AO3
Previous
Thank you all for reading.
Thanks to @mo-nighean-rouge - sheâs a great beta.
Thanks also to @happytoobservenolongerdistant
Chapter 4: Walk On By
If you see me walking down the street And I start to cry each time we meet Walk on by, walk on by
Burt Bacharach/ Hal David
Claire sipped her coffee and looked contentedly around the living room. She couldn't quite believe she had moved in only ten days ago. It felt like she had lived here for ages. Having furniture from the house probably helped, she reasoned, although she wasnât sure what would happen when Lamb returned there in two years time. Would he expect the furniture to be returned? And would he expect her to be âreturnedâ too? Now that she had finally made the move, she doubted she would ever return to live there.
She had definitely fallen lucky with this flat⊠and with her neighbours. Mrs. Crook was as sweet and kind as Anna and Mary had said. Ten days in and Claire had already been the recipient of an apple turnover, a steak and kidney pie and half a dozen scones.
And, even in this short time, she had grown fond of Anna and Mary. Anna worked in marketing at the Kingâs Theatre whilst Mary was an accountant in the local tax office. They seemed very different; Anna was very outgoing and vivacious with a wide circle of friends, always heading out to parties or social functions whilst Mary was quieter and more reserved. And yet, they lived together very amicably -- their characters complementing each otherâs.
Then last night, Claire had finally met John, who worked as a book editor for a publishing house. Their exchange had been brief. Claire was just coming in the front door after a long day at the hospital, whilst John was on his way out for some evening's entertainment, elegantly dressed and smelling divine. He kissed her warmly on both cheeks before continuing out of the door, calling assurances that they would indeed meet very soon for a âproper welcome to the buildingâ.
Claire glanced at her watch and, suddenly realising the time, rushed into her kitchen, pulled a bottle of Pinot Grigio from the fridge and made her way across the landing to Mary and Annaâs flat.
The door to their flat was already ajar. Claire knocked and walked in. Mary and Anna were sitting in the living room, full wine glasses in hand.
âHi, Claire. You want a drink before we go out?â Mary made to stand up.
Claire motioned her to sit. âYes, great. Donât get up, Iâll get it myself. And Iâll pop this one in your fridge.â
From the kitchen, Claire heard the front door open again, followed by Johnâs voice greeting the girls.
âMary... lovely, my dear. Anna⊠as glamorous as ever. I hope you donât mind if an old friend joins us for dinner, do you? I hadnât seen him since uni, twelve years ago and we reconnected at a reunion-type thing this week.â
Claire took a sip from her glass as she wandered back into the living room.
âSo, this is JamieâŠâ
The thump of Claireâs wine glass as it hit the carpet interrupted Johnâs introductions. She immediately bent down to retrieve it before rushing to the kitchen for a cloth. Her cheeks burning, she leant against a countertop and stood still for a minute, trying to calm her breathing.
From her initial glance, he hadnât changed that much in eight years. His hair was shorter. No longer touching his shoulders, it was barely long enough to curl. His shoulders were a bit broader too, clad in one of those flannel checked shirts he was always so fond of. She hadnât dared to focus on his face⊠or his left hand.
She could hear Johnâs introductions continuing. And then he spoke. That soft Highland burr seemingly unaltered by the years in America. He spoke a low tone, too low for Claire to hear, his utterances drawing laughter from Anna and Mary.
âIâll just see if Claire needs a hand.â Maryâs voice rose above the laughter, causing Claire to abruptly grab a dishcloth and hurry back into the living room.
âIâm so sorry, Mary, Anna. The glass just slipped from my hand⊠must be my hand cream⊠not rubbed in properlyâŠâ Claireâs nervous rambling finally ground to a halt.
âDonât worry, this carpetâs seen far worse than a drop of wine.â Mary took the cloth and dabbed at the small patch of damp next to her. âYou just sit down Claire.â
Claire perched on the edge of the sofa obediently.
âAnd here we have the newest inmate in our building⊠Claire Beauchamp⊠Jamie Fraser.â John was determined to finish. âClaireâs another damn SasseâŠâ
âHello.â Claire broke into Johnâs introductions, finally glancing up at Jamie.
With a curt âhiâ, Jamie nodded his head in response.
âSo, Jamie, you joining us for dinner, then? Weâve got a table at the âStar of Indiaâ. You like Indian food?â Anna turned her full attention to Jamie.
âAye, Iâll be happy tae join ye if ye dinna mind. Indianâs one of ma favourites.â
******
Nine years ago
âYe ken, Sassenach, when ye said ye were takinâ me out fer a meal, I dinna imagine this⊠er⊠place.â
âOh, what did you imagine?â
âOch, I dinna ken⊠somewhere with wee flowers, candles, soft music, tablecloths and a glass or two of wine. Noâ these bench tables, beer from the bottleâŠâ
âI love the food here. Itâs my favourite. What are you going to order?â
âChicken Korma, or do they do an omelette?â
âJamie, do you not like Indian food?â
âHonesty, is it? I canna say I do.â
âLet me order for you. Iâm sure youâll love it. But if you donât like it I promise we donât have to come here again. Iâll get my curry fix when youâre not around.â
âIs that a threat there, Sassenach? Because, let me tell ye, I plan tae always be around, ye ken.â
******
âAre we all ready to go then?â John looked around the room. âIâm sure the restaurant wonât mind another one joining our party. Might just have to squeeze together a bit more but Iâm sure thatâs not a problem, eh, Jamie?â
Anna and Mary led the way out of the flat, followed by Claire, with John and Jamie bringing up the rear. Jamieâs eyes drifted to the brown curls three steps below him.
Once he had got over the initial shock of seeing her, a neighbour of his friend no less, he tried to study her appearance through surreptitious half glances whilst maintaining his air of indifference. Not that it was an act. He knew himself to be indifferent to her. The past eight years had proved that.
At first sight, she seemed pretty much the same. From the introductions, it was clear that she wasnât married. Her curls were as untamed as ever; perhaps she had lost a bit of weight. But the way her hands fluttered around her face in agitation hadn't changed. Neither, apparently, had her obsession with hand cream.
******
Nine years ago
âCome to bed, Sassenach. I want that round arse of yers here next tae me right now.â
âIn a second. Just finishing.â
âHow many times do ye have tae put that cream on yer hands?â
âBut they get so dry with constant washing and using the hand sanitiser all day. I have to keep putting it on. You donât want my hands all rough, do you?â
âOch, no, Sassenach. When ye put yer soft hands there⊠oh⊠like that⊠and hold me⊠aye⊠and stroke⊠oh god⊠yer touchâŠâ
******
Downstairs, the door to Mrs. Crookâs flat was slightly open.
âMrs. Crook...â Anna peered around the door. âHello, Mrs. Crook, are you ok? Your doorâs open.â
âCome in dear. I must have forgotten tae close it.â
Mary turned to Claire and Anna. âThatâs not like her. Mind if we just check?â
As they stepped into the hallway of Mrs. Crookâs flat, it quickly became apparent that things werenât right. The small Persian rug on the floor lay crumpled and askew. The side table had obviously been knocked, the Royal Doulton figurine laying  on its side. They made their way into the living room to find Mrs. Crook sitting with one leg propped up on a stool. There was a cut just below the old womanâs hairline, the blood still fresh on her skin.
âOh, Mrs. Crook, what happened?â Mary rushed to her side.
âOch, Dinna fash. I jesâ tripped up in the hall and banged ma head on the table. Iâm fine, dinna bother about me.â
Claireâs professional instincts took over. âCan I see?â
Gently she touched the raised leg, her hands moving instinctively over the limb, pressing and prodding, looking for signs of pain or discomfort on Mrs. Crookâs face. Once satisfied, Claire sat back. âI think youâre very fortunate. Youâve only sprained your knee. We can put an ice pack on that to help with the swelling. Iâm more concerned about the knock on your head. Do you feel sick, or sleepy?â
âNae more than usual.â
âI think we need to take you to A&E, get you checked out there.â
âOh, no, Dinna fash. I am noâ goinâ tae the hospital. Iâll be fine here. I can see yeâre all on yer way out. Dinna let me stop ye. Go, have fun.â
Claire looked sternly at the old woman. âNo, Iâm not leaving you here. You may have a concussion. If you wonât go to the hospital, then youâre going to have to put up with me staying to keep an eye on you.â
Mrs. Crook opened her mouth to protest, but Claire halted any protestation. âIâm not actually asking you, Iâm telling you. Thatâs my plan. Iâm going to go and get my medical bag and weâre going to spend the evening together watching the telly and drinking tea. Iâll be back in a minute.â
Once outside in the main entrance hall, Claire explained the situation to John. Jamie stood next to Anna, listening.
âOh, thatâs a shame,â John said sympathetically. âAre you sure you couldnât maybe join us later?â
âNo best not. But you all go and have a good night.â
Claire stood and watched as, laughing and joking together, the four of them headed out into the street.
******
Nine years ago
âSo, have ye always wanted tae be a doctor, then?â
âYes, ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to heal people, make people better. I think maybe itâs because⊠no, sorryâŠâ
âWhat were ye goinâ tae say?â
âEr⊠maybe itâs because my parents died when I was a small child. Maybe I want to try to protect families from having to go through that. I donât really know. I only know itâs always been my big dream.â
âI ken yeâll be a grand doctor. I can tell. Yeâre a true healer.â
********
With Mrs.Crook comfortably settled, an ice pack on her knee and the cut on her head cleaned and washed, Claire sat down for an evening of watching television. As the opening credits for âX Factorâ appeared on the screen, she finally let her mind begin to wander over the eveningâs events.
Like an unaccustomed hole in a tooth that the tongue is repeatedly drawn towards, even with the knowledge of pain to follow, so Claireâs mind kept being drawn towards Jamie, analysing every aspect of his sudden and very unexpected debut.
His physical appearance (still as muscular as ever, perhaps even more so, ageing well); his voice (no trace of the past eight years in his accent); his attire (still the same casual clothing, but worn so well. No wedding ring but then he never would wear any jewellery anyway soâŠ); his demeanour (open and friendly⊠except to her).
And then, Claire realised, came the pain -- We have met. Now we are strangers, worse than strangers for we may never become acquainted.
NOTE: The last line is a direct quote from âPersuasionâ by Jane Austen.
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Rio & Buster
Rio: Do you think I need to report or tip the deliveryman for taking advantage of the unlocked front door? Rio: can't decide Buster: Are you sure it was unlocked? Rio: Well I was sure I locked it actually but apparently not Rio: Indie also swears she didn't forget so must've been me Buster: Unless she swore on her stash there's no reason to take it as gospel, babe Rio: True Rio: thanks anyway đ they look really pretty in the kitchen window Buster: Hold on, I didn't send you anything Buster: What kind of delivery was it? Rio: Yeah, tbh, I didn't think it was you Rio: but I was hoping Rio: [the picture] Rio: they look kinda cheap Rio: cannot work out who they're from Buster: Is the address right? Maybe they're for next door but yours was open Buster: Fuck it, throw them out and I'll replace them for you Rio: There isn't one, there's like nothing Rio: Maybe Drew's planning to give 'em to someone Buster: Ask him Buster: Could also be one of Indie's friends, you said they were cheap, like Rio: Awh, how sweet Rio: yeah, I'll ask Rio: how are you anyway? Buster: Better before I was worried about your home security Rio: Don't be Rio: You've never forget to lock up before? Rio: Be Drew that'd be đ„ Buster: Course not Buster: My parents would kill me Rio: Guess you have more stuff to steal Rio: luckily we've just been gifted something so that's as good as you can hope I suppose Buster: No bullshit, are you okay? Rio: It just shook me up a bit Rio: but now I've had time to calm down Buster: You can stay here any time and for any reason Buster: You know that Rio: I know Rio: I promise I don't need that though Rio: even though I miss you Rio: wish you were here Buster: I miss you too Buster: I'll come and see you this weekend Buster: Move some shit around Rio: Can you? Rio: don't if you can't Buster: I can Buster: And I want to Rio: I wish they were from you Rio: not an unsubtle hint Buster: I don't need any hints Buster: I just ordered some Buster: But we can track the delivery on these, like Rio: I love you Rio: see who gets here first, you or the flowers Buster: I love you Buster: But they better or else we are gonna have to have a word with whoever the fuck delivers shit to your place Rio: đ Rio: its not quite that rough that the postie throws it and runs Buster: Says you Rio: What does that mean? đ Buster: It means I've only got your word for it since I can't exactly forgo the hotel and sleep over Rio: You'd prefer your hotel, I'm not gonna oversell it that hard, like Buster: I ain't gonna deny that either Buster: Unless you stayed there and left me alone at the hotel Rio: That just ain't gonna happen Rio: never ever Rio: least no one here is really keeping that close a check on where I am Rio: much easier Buster: Yeah fuck knows where I'm gonna say I am if anyone asks Buster: I'll obviously think of something as per but the standard excuses are gonna start sounding like they are exactly that one of these days Rio: I know Rio: be easier if visiting your sister was a little more in question Rio: but that would require actually doing that so Buster: As much as I love you, babe Rio: I know Rio: she's settled well though Buster: No need to try and make any friends when she's got Junior, is there? Buster: He more or less guarantees her an easier life Rio: Alright for some Rio: lucky he's such a nerd they let him skip Buster: Exactly Rio: Why you gotta be so overachieving, huh Rio: I'm so bored without you Buster: I didn't get put forward a year, I'm clearly not working hard enough actually Rio: Nah, you just don't have crazy genius brain Rio: which I think is probably a good thing Rio: and your school would never, doing everything by the 100 year old book Buster: Cheers Buster: For the compliment and the reminder Rio: You know you're still going to get everything you want Buster: Course I am Buster: I've earned it despite my lack of a genius level IQ Rio: Are you mad I called you not a genius? Buster: Like you said, it's a good thing Buster: Fuck being a weirdo Rio: Bit rude Buster: Come on Rio: You don't need to call anyone a weirdo if you're not mad Buster: You know what I mean Buster: I'm perfect as I am Rio: Okay Buster: Don't get mad Buster: Just 'cause I ain't Rio: đ I'm not Rio: shh Buster: Convincing Rio: Well I will be if you keep going on Buster: Behave Rio: Come over and make me Mr. Perfect đ Buster: Friday afternoon Buster: Soon as school's over and done with Rio: đŸ I guess I'll behave then then Buster: Are you gonna be perfect? Rio: Aren't I always? đ Buster: You know you are Buster: But you also know I wanna hear you promise Rio: I promise I'll be perfect for you Buster: Good girl Rio: Buster Buster: Rio Rio: You're so rude Rio: distracting me Buster: What are you doing that needs your full attention? Rio: I'm trying to cook Buster: I'll leave you to focus then, yeah? Buster: Wouldn't wanna be even ruder or anything Rio: Don't you dare Buster: You know I always dare Rio: Oh, so we're playing now? Buster: Yeah Rio: And you aren't playing nice Buster: I didn't make any promises to be Rio: Me either Rio: 'til Friday Buster: You can't help yourself though Buster: You're an angel Rio: For my sins Rio: and yours Buster: What sins are those? Rio: If I need to remind you, then its really been way too long since we last did a visit Buster: Or I need to remind you how heavenly everything we've ever done together is Rio: I wouldn't mind that reminder Buster: Call me Rio: [does] Buster: Tell me the kitchen ain't on fire Rio: It ain't Rio: Dinner is gonna be late Rio: but we'll all survive Buster: Well I'm not sorry about that Buster: I've gotta wait til Friday to have dinner with you Rio: I can't wait to cook for you Buster: Don't make me miss you more Rio: You wait 'til I have my own place proper Rio: treat you like such a đ all day every day Buster: I'm not sure I can wait, baby Buster: Jesus Rio: Next time your parents are away, tell me and I'll get the next flight Rio: never guaranteeing a free house here but we can play then Buster: Hold on, I'll check the calendar Buster: [a date] Rio: It's done Buster: Easily Rio: then when you go uni we can be together all the time Buster: Every day Rio: Can't we just be 18 now? Buster: I swear I feel older than that already Rio: Me too Rio: its crazy we've been doing all this over 2 years now Rio: never mind everything else Buster: Yeah Buster: Looking at their calendar only proves that my parents treat me like I'm older when it suits 'em Rio: Good for parties Rio: good for me and you Rio: but it must feel so big when its just you in that house Rio: my poor baby Buster: Technically not good enough though 'cause I can't move out or change schools Buster: But I ain't complaining Buster: Especially when I've got you to keep me company if it gets lonely Buster: Just one call away, like Buster: And like you said, the parties and visits mean I rarely am alone anyway Buster: We'd definitely have gotten closer to getting caught if I had different parents as well Rio: It won't last forever, even if it feels like it Rio: best place for you to be right now Rio: and I'll always be here Rio: no matter what Rio: sometimes I forget no one knows Rio: when I'm talking to you Rio: but then its painfully obvious again when we have to hide it Buster: I know Buster: Me too Buster: But that doesn't have to be forever either Buster: We can tell 'em when we're older Rio: We'll have to Rio: I can't just suddenly decide I wanna move to America when you happen to be going too Buster: And when I propose, you won't be able to hide a diamond that big Rio: You can't just say things like that Buster: Don't you wanna marry me? Rio: Of course I do Buster: Good Rio: You really want to marry me Rio: and be with me forever Buster: Of course I do Rio: Buster, I love you so much Rio: how are you real Buster: I could ask you the same question Buster: But I reckon whatever you think makes me unreal does the same to you Rio: You're just Rio: I'm just so glad you're in this as much as I am Rio: we want the same things Buster: I've never half arsed anything in my life, I'm not about to start with the most important part of it Rio: That's why I love you Rio: you're so dedicated and passionate and Rio: fuck Buster: It's for you as much as it is me Buster: I ain't forgotten the future you want Buster: I'm gonna give you everything Rio: Just marry me now Rio: Jesus Buster: Not until you can openly wear the ring every single day Rio: Okay Rio: deal Buster: I'll get you something else to wear in the meanwhile Buster: A ring that's not so obvious Rio: Baby Buster: I fucking love you Buster: There needs to be another word for it that's more descriptive or whatever Buster: Just more everything Rio: I get it Rio: I get you, you get me Rio: There's nothing I wanna do where I don't want you with me Rio: other people don't even register, never mind compare Buster: I feel that too Buster: Since I was a kid Rio: No one else could hold my attention like you Buster: 'Cause there's nobody else like me Rio: Not even close Buster: You won't ever regret choosing me Buster: I'll make sure you don't Rio: I know Rio: but it was never a choice really Rio: not in a bad way just in a Rio: I don't even know Rio: like we was meant to be from the start Buster: I know Buster: Like you said, we're the same in that and loads of other shit Rio: Plus you're the hottest boy to ever walk the planet so obviously, you're mine đ Buster: Yeah, that too, like Buster: But even if you weren't the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, I'd still want you to be mine Buster: 'Cause you're the best in so many other ways as well Buster: And I'll never be over how perfect you are or what you make me feel like Rio: Stop being perfect and sincere when I'm just trying to live over here Buster: We've established I can't Buster: Or won't Rio: How do you do that Rio: cheer me up Rio: make me forget Buster: 'Cause I always get what I want Buster: And I want that for you Rio: You're the best Buster: I know Buster: So I deserve you Rio: What do you wanna do when you're here? Rio: Aside from have me be perfect, obviously Buster: We need to get you a ring, of course Buster: Unless you want me to surprise you with it Rio: đđđ Buster: If that's what you actually look like, show me Rio: [the most excited selfie] Buster: Baby Rio: Daddy Rio: tbh Buster: Tell me what you wanna do when I'm there Buster: Aside from saying that again, obviously Rio: đ and again and again Rio: Hmm Rio: just be with you Rio: I don't care what we're doing, as long as its what we wanna do Rio: makes a change from my routine Buster: Well that's the least I can do Buster: Don't worry Rio: I'm never worried Rio: not when I'm with you Buster: Good Buster: You're safe with me Buster: Even if you forget to lock every door Rio: I won't Rio: I'm not a total idiot Buster: I know how smart you are, babe Rio: đ Buster: Don't Buster: I'm serious Rio: Its whatever Rio: I don't need to be smart Rio: just work it Buster: You are though regardless Rio: Whatever you say, babe Buster: You gonna listen to whatever I say? Rio: đđ€ Buster: Alright then Rio: Awh, you mad at me? Buster: Is that what you're trying to do? Rio: Maybe Rio: has it worked? Buster: Try harder Rio: đ€đ đȘ Buster: Come on Rio: . Rio: That's me not replying, 'cos nothing makes you madder than being ignored Buster: Well played Rio: Thank you Rio: If I do it for real will you call me again? Buster: How could I resist? Rio: Don't Rio: only me who's gotta resist talking to you Rio: which is really really hard Buster: I'll make your efforts feel worth it Rio: đŁ Buster: I promise Rio: Okay Rio: I can do it Buster: Prove it Buster: [calls]
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Day 401
Monday 8th March 2021
International Womenâs day â it is today and is about recognition for the womenâs rights movements around the world. All about equality and the progress that women have made and continue to make today. I for one am all for it, after working in a rather sexist workplace for the last year I am proud of the women who have been standing up for their rights, for fighting for education and equality in a male dominated world. As an engineer, in a mainly male dominated work place, it is eye opening to see how little respect you have as a young person but even less so as a female. I know we have already come a long way, but there is so much further to go. The theme for this years womens day, is âchose to challenge, a challenged world is an alert world, and from challenge comes changeâ. I feel that this year has been a big challenge for me, and with my annual evaluation for Eloy coming up tomorrow, I shall take these words with me, as they are a good reminder. I am definitely going to challenge the management of the workplace and the lack of support I have received â so wish me luck!
I wouldnât say I am a feminist, although I think everyone should be (as I donât like this need everyone has to label everything as something), but I am strongly for the social, political, economic and personal ideologies and movements to establish equality in our world.
Note : to clarify maybe, but most likely to further confuse; I donât like labels because are they are so defining, if you call yourself a vegetarian and then eat some chicken and everyone says hey arenât your supposed to be a vegetarian as if you have broke up clearly defined rule against the world, but the point of being a vegetarian could be for environmental reasons etc, and the fact that even being a vegetarian for most of the week can make a huge difference. So much more of a difference that those who eat meat every day and buy non-local ingredients etc. Labels were put in place to help us, to guide us, but not to confine us and restrict us. So, no matter how you see yourself, remember ânobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a littleâ, every step towards a cause helps. And today it is for women, so happy international womens day to all the important women in my world. Thank you to all those to have been examples to me, who have supported and guided me through so much.
Today my day was a day, I was rather nervous, as I have my evaluation coming up tomorrow, and honestly, I didnât sugar coat my experience so far in the evaluation form I had to fill out. I think it is important to stand up for yourself and say what you feel, or else nothing changes, (its like people who donât vote and then complain about the government, so frustrating, either do something about it, or live with it) however, it isnât easy, and I find in French it is even harder. I have always been proud of myself for standing up and speaking my mind at work, uni etc, I often felt comfortable bringing up confrontational topics (that I believed in) at my other work places, but in French I find is so much harder. I want to recapture that strong, confident, professional âairâ I used to be able to hold onto, but in French, I find under-pressure my grasp on the language escapes me, and that really frustrates me. I think it is just down to experience in stressful situations in another language and hopefully will the more I have, the easier it will be. That has proved to be true with presentations so fingers crossed. But regardless, I didnât hold back, so I am sure they wont either, and I donât love confrontations so it was playing on my mind a bit! Benoit was home today and cleaned the whole house so that was really nice! We received our le cruset pot today, we ordered it for our valentines day present to ourselves and it finally arrived! Canât wait to use it tonight! We also got told our Christmas present from NZ has arrived but due to the estimated value of the package we apparently have to pay an importation tax or something. It is super expensive and I was shocked and very frustrated, I have been waiting for this present for months and then just as it is in my grasp, we have to pay for it. So that was a bit hard to process on top of all my nerves. And then I went to help Benoit rearrange everything after the cleaning and ended up knocking and breaking my favourite little flower pot, so that was the straw that broke the camels back! Heres hoping tomorrow will be better! During my lunch break I did a combat workout to blow off some steam before getting back into work. After work, I made a new recipe, Jamie of course, a cauliflower risotto in our new le cruset. I was curious to what it would be like, as I personally love cauliflower but it isnât the most flavoursome vegetable so I wondered what it would be like. And overall it surprised me. It was delicious!
Love Kate xxxxx
One: the woman figures in my life, from my direct family, to family friends, to Benoits family, to my group of girls, it truly is a blessing to have you all in my life Two: our new pot! What a treat and I love the colour Three: sleep, it was a hard day today, and it was good to crawl into bed
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I'm going to apologize now for what might turn into a long post, as I can't remember how to do a read more on mobile. So. It's once again Bell Let's Talk day. Now I realize that maybe, last year I was in a better position mentally, financially, and healthier than I am right now. But, that's the thing about mental illness. It's a daily battle. So. Let's talk. I don't think I've ever actually told anyone my full story. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety when I was eight. This was a very poor time in my life. I was in the office of my school every day, for one reason or another. Funny thing about schools. They all claim to be against bullying, but they only notice the physical aspect. A rotund child defending herself against verbal attacks? Clearly she's the bully. Unfortunately, I grew accustomed to being anxious around figures of authority because of these childhood encounters. I'd stop trying to defend my actions to these adults who weren't listening, and instead clam up and cry. And clearly, crying means I feel guilty and therefore I'm the attacker. Yeah. My school was pretty fucky. Add onto that it's small town, uni-religious, and fairly cult-ish in their actions. My family, having just moved there with no family established, got the brunt end of a lot of attacks. Weird ass elitism at its finest. Anyways. During this time my home life was pretty shit, too. My parents divorced when I was four, and we moved to this town two days before my fifth birthday. My mum was determined to cut our father out of our lives, so we didn't actually get to see him until I was 6, almost 7. Also pretty fucky. My mum wasn't the greatest mother around. Yes, she put a roof over our heads and fed us, but she was very quick to attack us verbally & physically, and if she thought we were lying about something she'd beat us til we told her what she wanted to hear. So, my dad became somewhat of a god in my eyes. Guardian angel, shelter from the storm, something unattainable for a very long time(to 5, 6, 7 year old me. A year and a half ish is a very long time for a kid). Eventually, he was able to take us every weekend. He bounced from house to house, job to job, but he provided what little child support he could spare and he always made sure to have a house with at least two bedrooms, so we'd always have a place. I tried so often to tell him what the combination of mum & school were doing to my tiny brain and body, but I never had any idea what abuse was, as a definition. I was terrified what mum might do if she found out I tattled. She'd already kept us all away from dad for so long, how long could she do that again? So I stayed silent. When I was 8, I met with my school's guidance counsellor. I had only a handful of friends who weren't terrified of me(I grew tall and wide pretty fast), my grades were shit(even for elementary school), and I was always late. Not to mention those daily visits to the principal's office. He's the one who prompted mum to take me in, see if all this stress had caused something to fuck up in my brain. Spoiler alert; it did. So, I was put on Anti-D medication. Anti-A's didn't come into play until later. Unfortunately, my body apparently absorbed and adjusts to new medication very, very quickly. By the time I was 10 I was taking handfuls of pills morning, noon, and night, just to maintain this facade of normalcy. Unfortunately, the bullying and abuse was continuing. My grades didn't superbly improve, my school behaviour issues barely subsided. But, the pills continued. I couldn't even tell you what they were or what they did. Mum took care of all that. But, I can tell you one thing, my short term memory problems started when the drugs did. I know it's too late for me now, but man I'm still kinda pissed at past me for not speaking up. Grade five was a shift for me. Negatively. I had a highly abusive teacher, bullying was at an all-time high and three of my friends deemed me too weird/sketchy/uncool to play with any more. My dad had to move into a townhouse and out of the farmhouses he'd been occupying for years. He had to get rid of the dog(Sonia) who'd been my best friend for well over a year. Soon after, we had to get rid of Queen(cookie), a dog we'd gotten from my friend's dog's second litter. I couldn't go riding any more(we kept my dad's landlord's horses and cows on the property), and I could no longer help on the farm. My weekend salvation was at an end. About the only freedom I had left was if dad took me flying. I made him take me up for hours, some weekends. I remember bawling on my morning walks to school with my friends, because I hated my life so much. My mum made the doctor ease up my prescriptions(a good thing, honestly), but she didn't ease up the abuse. Neither did my teacher, or the bullies, and I no longer had my beloved animals to keep me sane. I mean, we had Taffy, but she was always Brad's dog. One morning there was a speeding car who I knew couldn't see us down the road. I think my friends knew exactly what I was thinking because they stopped and just hugged me until the car passed us. I was 11 and suicidal. To help me transition off the farm, dad bought me riding lessons from a local Parelli instructor. These helped. I finally had some sort of release again, and best of all I could ride throughout the week, not just the weekends. These ended too. My instructor's lease of the land eventually ran out, and an oil company came in and bought the land. I was 13 when this happened. Still being forced to take drugs, and go to a psychiatrist (who broke client confidentiality so I stopped going and mum stopped paying). When I was 12 I found Wicca, and started turning away from the Church I'd been raised and baptised into. By the time I was 15 I'd fully turned away but still went, to appease my dad. Anyways. I started riding with another instructor and when I was 15 suffered a very traumatic fall, that screwed me up mentally, and I couldn't bring myself to get back on a horse until just last year when I was 20. Amazing what happens when your hormone levels mostly balance out eh? I was still kind of suicidal throughout all of this. Nothing that I would act on, but I kept thinking, "if I were to die, it wouldn't be so bad." I moved in with my dad when I was 15. I was sick of mum's bullshit, we fought violently every day. She'd already kicked my favourite brother out of the house, my sister was almost as bad as she was(she's 9 years older than me and to this day acts like I'm still 10 years old. We've never been close). A plethora of reasons. Mostly being, I was tired of her verbal and mental attacks. The physical stuff mostly ended once I hit 5'7". Definitely didn't happen after I was 5'10". I moved in with dad, quit my prescriptions, came out to him as pagan, then promptly fell in line and went back to church(which I'd quit at mum's) in order to protect myself. He would kick me out if I so much as lit a candle. So, I practiced in secret. My gods were(and are) very understanding and very supportive. Dad's God did not want me in His church, but tolerated me. This was pretty dark time. Me moving in with dad dredged up more custody battle bullshit. But, my relationship with my mum started to get better, sort of. I'm 21 now and we're only just on good speaking terms for more than 48 hours at a time. Then I got Angel. She was pretty much perfect as a puppy. House training was kind of difficult, she proved herself a friggen genius with the turkey incident, but she was mine. She knows exactly what I want, how I'm feeling, what I'm going to ask of her. She's perfect. (Cherub's a rotten little shit but she's still just a puppy and I haven't found the right job for her just yet.) Then, four of my newfound friends died. Car accident. I know I've recounted this story many times so I'll spare the details. But this threw me into a massive identity crisis. They didn't know the real me before they died. Danae looked up to me as a role model, and she didn't know I wasn't Mormon. I was pagan. I had to tell everyone. That Christmas (time ish), I came out of the broom closet again. Only this time to everyone. My "Mormon Moms," as I called them, insisted I was still me and they still loved me. The less accepting wanted to ban me from the graveyard. I still get hassled from their families, if they see me going down. But, a certain member of the community stood up for me. I'll be grateful to him forever. My dad was confused and hurt, but so long as I kept going to church he'd let me stay. Mum still insists it's a phase. I started going back to my hometown for school (only ten minutes away), and connected with my friends again. Then my paternal grandpa died. I never got the chance to say goodbye. Not even a funeral. He visited me, and my aunt and my cousin, but that still hit me extra hard, as it wasn't even 10 days after the 1 year anniversary of the accident. I started to slip again, fast. Dad got a job out east and had left me to move the rest of our things into storage, and I moved back in with mum. This is when I discovered I get severe depression when I have to move. Yay. I discovered my car's engine will cut out once I get to 198km. There is a stretch of road between the two towns that is very long, and very straight, with a sudden swerve to the right and a very steep drop in the road into a gulley. I convinced myself if I could get to 200km before that swerve, I would let my car fly off the cliff. I watched the needle drop closer to the speedometer's limit, noting exactly when the engine cut. I tapped the brakes, and got my car under control before the turn. Cursed myself for being a chicken, then for being so stupid. Angel needed me, if no one else. Half-assed suicide attempt no. 2. School sucked, but for some odd reason my childhood bullies apologized to me and tried to make amends. I accepted and we moved on. Mostly. I guess. Throughout all of this my depression was(and has been) a heavy weight on my shoulders. A darkness at the edge of my vision. Pretty much the only thing that truly lifted that lifted that was Anna. Though I had found new friends on the internet through dA and the ridgearound(love you guys), it was never really at bay. She was really, really, REALLY the only thing that brought true sunlight into my life. The day she was born I cried tears of joy, and thought she was the most perfect creature ever. I still do. She is beautiful. Graduation year brought me Anna, a boyfriend who turned out to be creepy and manipulative and abusive, and the start of my cutting addiction. I fucked up a few months ago. Before that it had been years. More fights with mum. Robin Williams passed and I lost hope for a few months. That was not a good time. He was always a role model to me, because even as a kid I knew what battles he was going through. He made me laugh when no one else could. He showed me that even with my shitty brain, I could be successful. I could fight this. Then he killed himself. I finally moved to Ponoka. Pretended to be an adult. Got cherub. Changed jobs. Found(ed) a coven. Lost Dee, and Anna. She's alive, don't worry. But she's no longer in my life. The horses helped so, so much with my depression. I refuse(d) medication because I can manage my condition, usually. Unfortunately that job ended in part because the mental stress had brought on my depression full force, and even my boss noticed I wasn't happy. So I left and started my MT course, where I am now even broker than usual, even more stressed than usual, and even more depressed than usual. This isn't even every aspect of my depression but it's the main points. Throughout this now 11 year journey, my depression and my anxiety have been with me. They've changed and grown and forced me to change and grow as well. I often wonder how different things would have been had I not refused meds so (relatively) early on. Too late now. But, my point is, I'm still here. I'm still fighting. My survival tactics have changed. When I was 11, what stopped me so many times was "tomorrow is another day" and "what will tomorrow bring?" Now, it's just sheer stubbornness. I'm going to finish my MT, I'm going to get out of debt and I'm going to flee into the middle of the prairies with my dogs and my reptiles and get myself a horse and a plane and I will never step foot in a city again. Just watch me. It doesn't get better. That slogan has never rang true with me. It just changes. You change, and your illness changes as well. But I guess, in some ways, it does get easier. You force yourself to see in colour, to take the bad in every situation and go "at least it isn't _____." And every now and again, you look back at your eight year old self and allow her to cry, because sometimes you need to.
#bellletstalk#there is so much more I want to say#but I've already taken up four thousand pages of your screens#sorry guys#long ass post#long post#long#very long#depression#anxiety#negative#suicide mention#cutting mention#lupine blogging#personal#tag rambles#I just#I'm still here#I'm still passively suicidal but I'm still fighting to survive and get by and provide for my critters#that's something#brb crying
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*cackles* The OTP ask meme? ALL OF THEM. C: Though, you should focus on yourself and make sure you get some sleep first
Who is the most affectionate? Such depends on the time; at the start, Alnifenen for such acts cause Lithaldoren to panic, especially as he isn't sure it's a serious cause. But eventually it's a shared thing depending on how the others feel. (But primarily Alnifenen)
 Big spoon/Little spoon? Big: AlnifenenLittle: Lithaldoren When giddy, Lithaldoren will TRY to be big but it never works out.Â
 Most common argument? How important the other is to themselves and clarifications that they aren't useless. I think if Alnifenen had times and issues with PTSD, it'd send him into a belief that he was useless and Lithaldoren wouldn't take any other answer than he's perfect.Â
 Favorite non-sexual activity?FAMILY TIME. to know they've made it from where they started. Just simple movies, meals, family cooking. Going out for walks etc. Who is most likely to carry the other?Fen to carry Lith on his back when alone on a walk at night, or Lith briefly carrying Fen in his arms for a simple joke.Â
 What is their favorite feature of their partnerâs? Lithaldoren ADORES his voice (his eyes as well) but the simple things of listening to voice messages when he was AWOL brought him to tears and yet tiny aspects of hope.Â
 Whatâs the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?Lith first hid for a week, he became scared... mortified in fact, he always found the other attractive but their friendship was priceless. This... this was weird. But he started to laugh. Rarely... just subtle in the others presence; not stifling the amusement when the other made a joke.
Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate? V:DA - Amatus, the true declaration he could never use, having the meaning be tainted. Coming to terms with love, it slipped. V: HP - My Dear. Not much, but he was young and ethnicity lead him to such. Also overhearing his 'parents' V: MODERN: My love or My heart. Self explanatory. It slipped when he was at a loss in his eyes. V: Destiny: My Light. Something to guide him and help him rebuild from the darkness. V: Prison(?) My Star. Get it... cause... starfish... mermaids and mermen.... aha... yup nope. V: SH.(HOW MANY DO WE HAVE?!): My Angel. Duh.Â
 Who worries the most? I don't think we can answer that - I think they both worry equal amounts, only a separate times.
Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant? Lithaldoren. He spent his life learning to remember tiny little things to succeed in life and to not die. To win a game which had no victory. It is and was only natural.Â
 Who tops? Alnifenen. Come on now... BUT GRANTED - maybe switch once or twice. Who initiates kisses?Alnifenen! They'd have gotten nowhere if he didn't.Â
 Who reaches for the otherâs hand first? Oh sweet fuck. Again, depends I think! NORMALLY it's Alnifenen, but when he's anxious or worried, skittish one could say without realising - Lithaldoren. Maybe the greatest sign something's wrong.
Who kisses the hardest? .... Alnifenen. Lithaldoren will follow on pace shortly after.Â
 Who wakes up first? Lithaldoren - just by habit. Alnifenen if PTSD haunts and lingers. Who wants to stay in bed just a little longer?Alnifenen, Lithaldoren detests sleep.Â
 Who says I love you first? LMAO Alnifenen!Â
Who leaves little notes in the otherâs one lunch? (Bonus: what does it usually say?)Â I think Alnifenen would. Just sneak before he heads out to whatever (uni assuming it's modern) and places notes just to make the other blush or snort with horrendous pick up lined statements.Â
 Who tells their family/friends about their relationship first?..... Lithaldoren has NOBODY to tell.... so i... well... Alnifenen could tell Diani?Â
What do their family/friends think of their relationship?"..... it's about time. Fuckwads."
Who is more likely to start dancing with the other?Lithaldoren. He dances secretly but he wouldn't be ashamed to drag Fen along with him.Â
 Who cooks more/who is better at cooking? I... don't know. I think they'd enjoy cooking together. Of course Lithaldoren cooks daily, especially since Alnifenen was AWOL for so long, meaning he is MORE than good... but i think they'd both be good cooks? Maybe? Idk.Â
 Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines?ALNIFENEN. DRUNK ALNIFENEN. Who whispers inappropriate things in the otherâs ear during inappropriate times?..... Alnifenen. Always. Every time.Â
 Who needs more assurance?OMFG LITHALDOREN - his mind wonders every day, he's horrified to be open again and he sometimes can't bare it... but returning home to see his family is.... lovingly aching. Joyful. Tear bringing. Will never admit he needs the assurance. But just....Â
 What would be their theme song? Debatable. But going by their wedding song?; Edith Piaf - La Vie En Rose. (not the original - By Dodie Clark)
Not going by the wedding song;Sundara Karma - Flame
 Who would sing to their child back to sleep? Lithaldoren did it constantly. But I think Alnifenen definitely would have if he were there.Â
 What do they do when theyâre away from each other?....... HA..... HA.
one headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart.Lithaldoren finally accepts he is in love. They have a child. They can't picture a life without the other... And Alnifenen has to go. Knowing he'd be back soon, the man waits patiently understanding such will be the longest 10 months of his life, but he does not mind - because he's coming back! And he does. But he is barely back a week - they greet each other so lovingly and only in the warmth of their own bed does Lithaldoren feel his heart shatter again. He waited 10 months to feel his touch, smell his scent, hear his heart... all for it to be over in a heartbeat. He never admits his pain for it but it's apparent from the slight change of emotion he gains, something cold and broken. When alnifenen is announced AWOL... he snaps. He finds life difficult, more than usual - suicidal tendencies peek... but my god do they become intense in annual holidays and his birthday - their precious daughter smiling and waiting for daddy to come home!Â
"WE CAN ONLY OPEN PRESENTS WHEN DADDY IS HOME! SEE! HE GOT ME THIS ONE!!" *noted Lithaldoren put both their names on every present so she didn't feel worried.Â
"That is right, my little light... when daddy is home... I-..... open yours at 5pm ok? I... I will wait till daddy is home to open mine, deal?"Â
 It always is in the end because of her childish temptation. He spends the holidays locked in the bathroom sobbing, feeling useless, left.Â
"I will never leave you, mi amor"Â
he always used to say. Who knows! He could have found love elsewhere. Anything is better than second hand goods - are they not?....Cracking - he always leaves them days with new scars. Dangerous scars. Noted, he only survives and smiles because he has a daughter to care for!.... she is not going to live the life he lived.Â
 about this OTP that mends it They hate to admit it, but they are so domestic it could almost hurt. They do everything as a family, there life is officially built around it - from two strangers who gradually had to get close to one another...Â
They live a life many could see in movies. Kissing one another goodbye for work, singing their daughter to sleep when young, having to untangle themselves when doing chores like hoovering the house. They are the couple which hosts Sunday family get togethers with everybody else. They are the people everybody comes up to for relationship advice (even if Lith won't answer.)Â
they are the slow.. gentle.. domestic couple living the life both finally deserve. Yes, they may have their emotional ups and downs with personal outlooks of themselves - but they are perfect for each other. Nothing or nobody can prove that wrong.
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Things We Lost in the Fire, ch 18
aka Caleo uni au
Fic summary: Calypso starts studying at a new university, but to her annoyance her new flatmate is a loud mouthed mechanic who also likes to sneak his dog in whenever. But as she learns to know him better, she realizes they might have more in common than what she first thought. Eventually, even the darkest secrets come outâŠ
Chapter summary:Â Leo's life is hard (but maybe there's some hope left).
A/N: Yay, time for a new chapter! I decided to make Friday my new posting day so thatâs when the future updates will (hopefully) happen.
It's not time to resolve the previous drama quite yet but dw, that's coming! Meanwhile, I hope you'll enjoy this Leo centered chapter. Itâs also time to bring Frank in!
Don't forget to let me know what you think! :)
Characters in this ch: Leo, Frank, Georgina, Jo, Emmie
Words:Â 1700+
Genre: romance & hurt/comfort
Warnings: none
previous chapter / next chapter /Â AO3
...
âMaldita sea!â Leo yelled at himself as his wrench flew at the wall, thankfully not causing damage to it. Nothing he tried to fix or build that day seemed to go right. He hadnât been able to figure out a pretty basic seeming issue in someoneâs phone, one of his own inventions had broken and even solving a physics problem that would usually have managed to distract him only felt frustrating.
There was a lot going on in Leoâs head. Well, heâd argue that he always had a lot going on there due to his ADHD, but this time his usual methods to calm himself down didnât seem to work. He would probably have to quit studying the only field he was truly interested in. He couldnât do his work. His flatmate for whom he may or may not have started slowly developing some very not flatmate appropriate feelings had apparently had a thing for his friend, which not only complicated Leoâs situation with Calypso but also with Percy. And his motherâs death anniversary was coming, which was always a hard time for him. Leo imagined sheâd probably be so disappointed if she saw him now. âMy son, a failure in every aspect of lifeâ. No, Leoâs real mother had been way too nice to actually say something like that out loud, but he just knew sheâd at least think that. And Jo, Emmie and Georgina were counting on him too.
After throwing the wrench, Leo decided to take a break because his hands had started shaking too much to continue working. Taking a deep breath, he leaned against his worktable, closed his eyes and started tapping a rhythm that he had memorized years ago. His mother had taught him Morse code when he was a kid, and this particular phrase was one she had used a lot when he had needed calming down. Written down, the code looked like this:
.. .-.. --- ...- . -.-- --- ..-
I l o v e y o u
He whispered it very quietly a couple of times before looking out from the window and saying aloud:
âMom. Iâm trying to be strong. I really am. But sometimes it just gets too fucking hard. Everything seemed to be fine. Really. My other family is great. I was studying something I actually cared about. My new flatmate⊠uh, sheâs an interesting force of nature. But if she likes someone like Percy⊠Iâd never have a chance. And all my career plans are about to run down to the sewers because I canât use fire, in any way. Not because of what happened to you. Because of what I... I just feel lost.â
He took a deep breath and rubbed the corner of his eye dry quickly. Saying his thoughts aloud seemed to make him feel a little bit better, and he decided that maybe getting out of the flat and getting some exercise would help with the shakiness. To his relief Calypso wasnât home either so he didnât have to answer any awkward questions about why he looked like such a mess. Leo found himself jogging all the way to Waystation, which was several miles from his flat. As he reached the yard, he noticed Georgina with Festus, but even with her back to him he could sense something was wrong. Of course. There was always some way the day could get even worse.
âHi, hermanita!â he started, trying to sound cheerful even though he didnât think he was a very good actor. Georgie could probably see right through him. His suspicions were confirmed when Festus didnât even run to greet him as he usually did. âWhatâs going on?â
âI tried to call you,â she said, hiding her worry badly. âMoms went to run some errands and something⊠something happened to himâŠâ
âWhat do you mean? What exactly happened?â Leo insisted on knowing.
Georgina seemed to grow more and more upset each moment. âI⊠I gave him a bully stick⊠but I forgot to put it in a holder even though moms always say you should do that when you give him one because he always tries to swallow them so fast⊠And then he started feeling sick...â
To prove her point, Festus, who was laying on the ground, made a loud gagging sound. After that he tried to whine but even that didnât sound like it usually did.
Leoâs ADHD kicked immediately in, in the form of him wanting to act fast.
âWeâll discuss this later, I need to borrow Joâs car now that I can take him to the vet,â he exclaimed and ran inside the house to get the keys to the car from the spot Jo usually kept them. He picked them and Festusâ leash and ran back, telling Georgina to stay home to tell Jo and Emmie what happened when theyâd return.
At least one thing went right that day: the emergency vet clinic was fairly quiet when Leo arrived there. Not long after that, the vet took Festus in. He had an intern with him; a young man who Leo suspected had his roots somewhere in East Asia. He had black, short hair, a bulky body and kind of child like face even though the intern was probably older than Leo. As the vet asked Leo some questions about what exactly had happened to Festus, the student wrote down some notes and occasionally added a short comment as well. When Leo was about to explain why exactly Festus had gotten issues with the bully stick, he heard the intern mutter something to himself.
âWhat was that?â Leo asked a bit more aggressively than he had planned, having already been stressed even before the issue with Festus had come up. He had to admit, though, that it had distracted him from the other issues.
âNothing,â the intern quickly said, pretending to focus on his papers again.
Leo didnât give up that easily. âI heard you, though. You were implying that I had somehow caused this.â
âWell, you did give him the bully stick, didnât you?â the young man asked.
âI wasnât even there when he got one!â Leo growled, starting to feel the frustrations from earlier that day flooding out of his system. âMy⊠uh, little sister gave him one when our parents left to run some errands and he kept whining and wanted something to chew! It wasnât her fault either, sheâs a child and she didnât know that could happen!â
âMister Valdez, please calm down a bit,â the vet interrupted him, and Leo immediately shut up. âThereâs no need to yell. Festus is going to be just fine; Iâm going to give him some medicine and fluids to help with digesting the stick and we can watch how heâs doing overnight. And Frank, please donât make assumptions like that about clients.â
âYes, sir,â Frank said, to Leoâs surprise actually looking regretful. Then he turned to Leo. âSorry, I didnât mean toâŠâ
âNah, I kinda lost my cool there tooâŠâ Leo said, the frustration leaving when he saw Frankâs face.
âKinda,â the intern said, attempting to joke about the situation.
âYeah, sorry âbout that;â Leo rubbed the back of his neck.
After that the vet asked Leo a couple of more questions and did some more examinations on Festus while Frank helped him.
âOther than this stick issue, he seems like a healthy dog,â the vet complimented after the check up. âHis fur and teeth look good. I think youâve been taking good care of him.â
âWell, to be honest he lives more with my parents than me because they have a lot more spaceâŠâ Leo said, âBut yeah, we all try our best. Even Georgina, my sister.â
âIâm glad to hear that. Itâs a good thing you got him here that fast so heâll get the best possible treatment,â The vet said.
After that he wrote some notes on the computer and then dismissed Leo who scratched Festus from behind his ear and promised to come back soon to get him. As he was putting his jean jacket on in the lobby, the intern, Frank, approached him.
âAbout what happened earlier, I really am sorry. It isnât like me to attack clients; you can even ask my boss about that. I justâŠâ
âChill, man,â Leo said. âIâve heard this story before. People assume things about me because I look like a problem teenager. Truth to be told? Youâre not entirely wrong. But things have changed. And trust me, Festus is my best friend and Iâd do anything for him. Iâm sure Georgie has learned her lesson too now.â
âGood to hear that,â Frank said and extended his arm to Leo. âWell, I guess Iâll see you tomorrow when youâre coming to get Festus.â
Leo nodded. âYep, I have a feeling my whole family will want to join me. Anyway, Iâm off now. Thanks for the help!â
âIâm glad we could help!â Frank told him before he started walking towards his car.
...
Jo and Emmie had already returned to Waystation when Leo got there.
âIs everything OK?â Emmie asked immediately. âWe didnât really get much out of Georgina⊠Just that something had happened to Festus and you took him to the vet.â
âNah, itâs gonna be fine!â Leo reassured her. âHe got some digestion issues because he gobbled a bully stick too fast but thatâs being taken care of now. Georgie sure remembers to be more careful from now on, wonât ya, hermanita?â he addressed the young girl then.
âI willâŠâ she promised, not even protesting about the nickname this time.
Once Leo had explained with more details what had happened at the vet and it became clear that Festus would be fine soon, the family moved to other matters. Unlike usually, Leo was happy with mostly listening to the others. The incident had reminded him that there were bigger matters than girl issues or his studies and he realized that those things didnât feel quite as hard to overcome now as a few hours ago. Yes, he still needed to deal with them, and yes, his past would probably never stop entirely haunting him, but when he had people like this around him? It wouldnât be impossible.
#caleo#leo valdez#calypso#heroes of olympus#trials of apollo#percy jackson and the olympians#my fics#caleo uni au
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