#CAN YOU FEEL THE IMPACT HAVING TO STUDY FILM HISTORY DID ON MY SANITY

[ellavaday]

sandra screaming into the void about dres2 (with a side of almodovar film nerding added in for flavor and wordplay joke explanation bc watching this twice once without the subtitles and once with the subtitles is a trip):

i am a samantha apologist but i agree w diamante, i wish ariel had stayed (that being said, diamante my love, be smart, say that sort of stuff in confessionals, not out loud w the entire room, hay que tener una poquita de por favor de verdad), yes estrella has a point we couldn't stop looking at her but that isn't always a good thing even if it is what samantha does best

... pretty sure what juriji calls samantha is mamarracha in french when they're all walking into the workroom making animal noises (... or the lot of them, more like 🤣 which i mean.. fair enough)

the ariel joke estrella makes about cleaning the dirty clothes is close to the spanish equivalent of that saying about "washing your dirty laundry in public"

the wordplay supremme does before calling the pitcrew after introducing the goose game is bc chicks (pollitas) is yet another euphemism for dicks lmao (pollas)

sharonne's (wrong) answer was funny bc higo (fig) is a coloquialism for vagina (like eggplant for dick in english), the spanish saying is "en tiempo de higos no hay amigos" (lit. "in time for figs there's no friends"/"there are no real friends when it's fair weather") and her answer was "i don't have a fig"

ofc supremme is playing putricia lmao she used to do "supremme's diary" in the gran hotel de las reinas tour during intermissions when she interacted with the audience and you can tell she's having the time of her life, it's a parody of a trash talk show that caused controversy here (pretty long running it was like 10 years on air? the biggest controversy is that a russian girl was murdered by her ex after she said no to his marriage proposal in the show and the show was denounced pretty often bc it was on air during children's protected viewing times but it was, ofc, very much not suitable for kids)

at the end of the intro of supremme as putricia you can hear someone say 'pero usted quién es!?' (but who are you!?) which became a meme bc of this show (it's a vid of a guy telling a girl he wants to date her, her face says it all really but her asking who the hell is he makes it even funnier)

tortilleras (omelettiers) is an euphemism for lesbian so diamante, sharonne and estrella are calling themselves team lesbians (the other euphemism for lesbian in spain is bollera, which juriji said earlier in the episode when talking about being sad ariel left)

what the fuck was it with estrella and whatever was the black thing coming out of her mouth 💀 (edit: she said on IG that apparently it's supposed to be dirt from a snippet that got edited out from the show I can't lmao)

speaking of tortilla española, if you want to start a new civil war, ask a group of spaniards how does spanish omelette have to be cooked, not one of them will agree, in december one of my mutuals almost did start a war amongst our friends by accident when he posted this, another one of the mutuals decided to "settle" the debate making a poll. it did not help. but if you want to see the results here they are (and the correct answer is without onion btw <3)

sethlas is basically playing valentina in this challenge and I have to say it's hilarious and it isn't even jarring bc canarian accent sounds like an accent from latam, i liked this one lmao i think all of them were pretty good (i do however think that if someone would have been in the bottom, that'd be marina because she was sort of just... there), you have one guess for what does polla gorda (the name of sethlas' character) means (hint: f*t d*ck); and the joke jota makes about suppositories is not about jota herself but about the character sethlas is playing (why do the subtitles think she's talking about herself here idk)

when the subs say samantha, onyx and juriji are "the weird one, the funny one and the sexy one"... cachonda actually means horny lol

speaking of juriji, i am obsessed and i love you can ship her with half of the cast, including marina if enemies to lovers is your thing lmao (that being said so far my vote is for her and onyx)

the flan thing did kind of make me gag ngl but they did really good (it was horrifying but it was good)

idk if jota's shawl belonged to lola flores or not but estrella being a hater is really entertaining i have to say (also dancing flamenco with shawls is so much fun i automatically like it simply bc all i can think of is twirling but it's a damn a workout)

there are no words for how excited i was about the almodovar runway when they announced it and i am so sorry but you did click the read more knowing this was coming

the intro quote supremme says is a reference to an interview almodovar did around the release time of 'con los brazos rotos' which is a love declaration to cinema, ambrossi's intro line is also a ref to another interview (about being a young adult during the most hardcore years of la movida madrileña when drugs were rampant and everyone was dying for partying too much or the aids crisis), anna's line is actually 'i don't mind the genre (of the movie)' (not size) which i mean... fucking duh considering the theme of the runway and almodovar filmography (the word for gender and genre is the same in spanish); calvo's intro is literally the name of an almodovar movie of the early 00s named 'talk to her'

eduardo casanova (guest judge) compares ana locking to ana polvorosa (a spanish actress)... personally i think ana polvorosa looks more like lady camden (as in she's freaking identical) ((he became famous for playing the first openly gay kid character on the same show he acted in with ana polvorosa.. it's called aida btw))

the quotes supremme makes before announcing the runway ('existe alguna posibilidad, por pequeña que sea, de no acabar con lo nuestro?' and 'que heavy eres juana') are from the flower of my secret and kika; she also spoofs penelope cruz screaming 'pedroooo' when he won the oscar for best foreign film in 2000 (sharonne did the same in episode one when they're getting out of drag for the maja desnuda challenge)

ok now for the actual runways:

sethlas does tilda swinton in the human voice (which i have to say is freaking brilliant bc it's the one thing this man has made in english, it's a short film but it's the most likely thing to be recognizable for both younger and not spanish speaking audiences... besides juriji's penelope cruz look), the 'is that jose luis moreno?' comment casanova makes is bc jose luis moreno is a tv producer that was hospitalized bc he was attacked by two robbers with an axe in the mid 00s (yes the axe was in his head, the dude is almost 75yo, he must've been 60-ish when he was attacked, no idk how did he come out of that one alive, it's a meme)

estrella is the main character from kika and damn is that prosthetic nose identical to rossy de palma's (disgusted as i was with the sketch -which was the objective of the challenge anyway- between her performance on the sketch and this runway i was pretty sure she was going to win this week ngl), the judges make a reference to kika lorace which is another famous drag queen (she was the invited guest for snatch game last season), casanova quotes a line juana (rossy de palma) says in kika when she is on the runway

samantha starts the runway as lucia (the insane ex-wife) from women on the verge of a nervous breakdown and then turns into pepa (the lover of lucia's ex husband) which is probably one of the best known of the almodovar films? (it's definitely the one in which his films started to actually have plots for one... wacky plots but they at least started to have plots 🤣) and honestly? had samantha not been twice in the bottom already i would have been pretty content with it, it was well executed and she played to her strength bc this is what samantha does, her entire thing is changing characters and improvising, so she does reveals and plays two characters at the same time very often

venedita von dash did that, she's the main character from the 2004 bad education in which gabriel garcia bernal crossdresses for a film and it's fucking great (i don't remember what is the reference to calvo's comment on the runway but i bet you anything it was about carmen maura liking big dicks? something like that)

diamante merybrown is vera from the skin i live in which is literally the stuff of my nightmares come alive (thanks for that, pedro), if samantha got critiqued for being too simple i think the same should have applied to diamante, much as i love her (and much as it was time for samantha to go), both of them did a pretty close reproduction of the actual looks of the movies, although fake blood is always a plus (and a nice nod to the dialogue of the movie, THAT is the one thing that made it a safe for me but barely)

sharonne as marisa paredes in high heels is also fucking uncanny, the subs doesn't pick it up but ambrossi ofc makes the unavoidable marisa > marica (faggot) pun and casanova says 'oh damn eusebio poncela looks great', eusebio poncela is an actor that hates almodóvar's guts after working w him (same w carmen maura btw, she's always beefing with almodovar in public), this is brilliant bc in this movie her character is a famous singer that has a terrible reunion with her estranged daughter and they go see a drag show in which the drag queen's whole gig is imitating marisa paredes' character so she could be playing either marisa paredes or miguel bosé as marisa paredes

jota is andrea caracortada from kika; her character is the presenter of an exploitative tv show that focuses on macabre and bizarre things who wears very over the top clothes, i get ana's argument for the two tit windows being the selling point for that gautier costume design but i did like it 🤷‍♀️ (the look and 'the tampax ponytail' apparently 💀 i am sorry but i think that was rude af from ambrossi) ambrossi calls her alba flores on the runway (the granddaughter of lola flores)

juriji did that too, she's sailor pluto penelope cruz in broken embrace in a replica of vintage chanel and she looks like is a vision (i don't think i have anything else to say she's fucking stunning)

marina is zeca from the skin i live in which is still the stuff from my nightmares but given how many gender subjects are in the movie? fitting, marina is a huge almodovar fan but it would have been criminal for her to reference a different movie of his; her shoes are based on the poster of high heels (same movie sharonne's character is from); supremme makes a reference to the same lola flores song jota referenced in her intro line on ep 1 about being eaten by a tiger; idk if the 'what does she have in that bag?' 'her patience' is a ref to something else but for me it's a reference to a viral tweet by la vecina rubia, i sorta felt like she was just barely there in the acting challenge but i did love this runway (even if i don't think it's entirely on theme bc zeca is v much a straight male character not an almodovar leading lady so yay good for her)

onyx also does a look inspired by andrea caracortada from kika; casanova saying 'you won't film me anymore' is another meme quote reference (to isabel pantoja, a singer, telling off paparazzis stalking her home, it's iconic bc she basically left her house with the express purpose to beat some punks); supremme says 'kitt i need you' which is a reference to both knight rider the tv show from 1982 and a song called 'kitt y los coches del pasado' by ladilla rusa which a man called jose maria turns out to moonlight as a woman called mariví

that quote from agrado in all about my mother makes me weak i really did love this runway okay

juriji vs marina backstage? i live lmao 'no me busques que me encuentras' indeed (fuck around and find out); i in confessionals marina references 'donde estás corazón' which was a gossip show

when the judges all started to cry i wanted to cry as well; the lipsync song is a song from the movie high heels and okay damn jota did so good, samantha did what she does best but it was time, sadly

LA PROHIBIDA IS A GUEST JUDGE NEXT WEEK I CAN'T WAIT i've been waiting for her to show up on drag race since they announced season 1, she was the most famous spanish drag queen before drag race, i am so glad she'll be there next week🥰🥰🥰

watching this twice once in spanish and once with subtitles is truly an experience bc sometimes you can tell when they have a hard time discerning accents (it's not actually bad, just disconcerting bc it's close but it's not what they're saying like in episode one when onyx and samantha were messing around with the breastplates, they changed onyx saying 'my tuck is getting undone/popping up' to 'i am getting tachycardia' bc tuck is close to tach and the verb was jumping up which works with tachycardia, it really feels like them having a hard time just making out words sometimes because enunciation isn't really a thing in castilian spanish)

[oneness913-blog]

What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?

  Writing a grant, managing budget, crowdfunding, giving a serious (normative) gift to Sarasa (last year she was perplexed with a pair of glass sandal), Starting a master’s degree, making a pledge to become a teacher in Japan, Being a camp leader, BBQ on the beach with Sarasa, Volunteering, Spending a full week with the same kids, Paying for tuition, Getting on a train just to get a fresh air, Buying a monthly train pass, Watching the entire episodes of Doctor Who within two weeks. Hanging out with James’ sister. Keeping track of daily expenses (barely). Trying to recruit undergrads to form a squad to make an impact in child welfare. Going to a friend’s funeral.

New places I visited: Totsukawa village in Nara, Chikusa in Hyogo, Child Care home, reformatory, more than 30 different schools, Noto (Ishikawa pref).

Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

   My resolution for 2017 was, probably, to write reflections often, and that is exactly one thing I wish I had done more. All anxious feelings for the future is circular in nature and reflecting more through writing would have helped avoid it. I will totally make more new year’s resolutions, and will try harder to keep it. It’s about time to consciously structure life!

What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?

-More music in life (didn’t know how music could uplift my feeling!)!

- courage and confidence to actually do things that are wanted by me.

-time to sit down and write

-daily planning of how to spend time

-more chats with friends from wes

-going to rando local meetup events

What date(s) from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

   -Sep 25 to Oct 1: A week of internship at a local elementary school made me absolutely fall in love with hanging out with 6th graders, and this led me to get elementary school teaching license.

  -Sep 15: Former Cross st. neighbor Matt Burgunder visited Osaka and we talked about deep shit over sake. This day was the day I heard I got a grant. Matt and I opened up and became closer, and that was awesome, fun thing.

  -Nov 10 Xian visited Osaka, and we ate a bunch of foodies and talked lots. I was very, very happy to be able to reconnect with Xian again, a while after graduation. We discovered that Pizza-okonomiyaki was the best thing to eat in Osaka.

   What was your biggest achievement of the year?

   -coordinating a US-Japan youth exchange program to tackle cyberbullying. The challenges included communication with a variety of people and institutions, managing budget, facilitating high school students’ discussions while simultaneous interpreting.

What was the best thing you bought?

  -a beautiful (?) pair of piercing for Sarasa. I feel like a boyfriend now. hahaha. And a work table from IKEA. It was Sarasa’s suggestion (or order) and was totally, absolutely worth the money. I can watch Doctor Who so much more comfortably.

Where did most of your money go?

   drinking and eating out with friends, coffee at cafes, traveling with Sarasa.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

    Traveling to Kanazawa with Sarasa, giving her a (real) present for Christmas/Three year anniversary. This reflection has made me realize I am much more of a romantic (?) or a family guy than I thought. LOL

What song(s) will always remind you of 2016?

       Honestly, no song is attached to 2016.

Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? thinner or fatter? richer or poorer?

I am slightly, but very meaningfully, richer. at least money wise, thanks to some of the project incomes. Sarasa says my tummy is becoming like a young child’s and I must hit the gym, and I have registered for a membership but have been lazier than ever. I should reflect on this later. Speaking of happiness, I am definitely happier because I are a little more sure of what I want for my career (teaching). Around this time last year I was debating whether I should fly away and disappear into rural cities in Mexico. Now I am serious thinking about finding a teaching-related career there. Sarasa is going to graduate and come back to Japan soon and that is making me feel so much more hopeful for the future. I probably got a little more used to long-distance. I have never recommended it to anyone though.

Having met a lot of young people and remembering each kid as a whole set of personality and face makes me feel like I exist in this world. The idea of educating to change the world is nothing compared to three or four real persons speaking to you in your head whenever you try to recall. Working with them has boosted my self-efficacy as well.

What do you wish you'd done more of?

Exercise!!!! I should have done more bouldering. I get shy going to gyms in general for an unknown reason but I’ll break out of the shell. Reading more books with some directions of learning would have made this year much richer in general. Both fiction and nonfiction. And going to bed early. I am definitely aging and feel exhausted after doing nothing until late at night.

On a side note, I wish I had double checked schedules before booking flights.

Plus, I wish I had studied Spanish. Maybe I’ll make that my New Year’s resolution.

What do you wish you'd done less of?

   Thinking (or talking to myself) without writing down. I wasted a lot of time lamenting the sad reality and status quo of people or norms I encountered on a daily basis, obviously in vain.

    If I write down thoughts and stay objective about them, I would have developed real plans to improve whatever I didn’t like, or at least be convinced and move on to newer topics of thinking. That’ll be my new year’s resolution

  Browsing through social media as if some posts will answer my questions. Now I know it won’t.

Did you fall in love in 2016? 

I feel like I know Jenna Coleman personally after watching Doctor Who straight up.

How many one-night stands?

     hmmmmm actually, zero.

What was your favorite TV program?

   To reiterate, Doctor Who is the best thing that happened. It is holding my mental sanity. Nigeruwahajidaga Yakunitatsu was helpful in seriously considering life in marriage.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Once Erin Chase told me hate is toxic. Since then whenever I am inclined to hate someone I try indifference instead. I grew indifferent to my relationship with a person this year.

What was/were the best book(s) you read?

   Kasai No Hito [people of family court]. It is a series of comic books that feature a family court judge who restores youth who committed crimes and resolves conflicts of married couples trying to divorce through using metaphors of plants. In the justice system where legal solutions are primary means to “resolve” issues, he is an inspiring counselor-judge who is always watering plants, hiking, and not doing much reading and end up saving lives of those who come to the family court. His words are oddly wise and that was my favorite part.

What were your greatest musical discoveries?

  I can’t think of anything.

What did you want and get?

   I wanted to find a topic of research or interest that is very grabbing. I didn’t find it. Instead, I learned a lot of small facts about child welfare, youth psychology, education systems, etc. And my relationship with Sarasa has become more stable.

What was your favorite film of this year?

Moonlight. I usually watch tons of scifi films, but this film led me to reinforce my interest in welfare. It was viewing black communities as just communities, not black communities. In other words, it invited me into the community and experience it.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

    I was facilitating elementary school kids’ discussions on how they are going to teach smartphone rules to even younger children in Kobe. I think they celebrated my birthday, and I was so happy. I turned 25, still unbelievable. 

What did you do for the New Year, Valentine’s, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas, and any other holidays?

   New Year: I reluctantly and thus very slowly studied for an entrance exam to master’s program.

   Valentine’s: I forgot its existence, which exploded Sarasa and she almost broke up with me. So as a token of apology, I sent her a bottled wine with a photo of us in it. To make sure I forgot about it, I printed the date as February 15. LOL

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 

  making new local friends to share intellectual and reflective discussions, or doing these things with friends scattered around the world. Now I know this is the most important thing to my life.

  What kept you sane? 

  Monthly hangouts with a friend from Wes. Every month, someone came to visit me. Yvonne, Xian, Matt, Sarasa, thank you! And my family’s constant support is always underrated. Caught up with my personal petty anxiety, reading New York Times and other critical articles on the devastating reality of the world, from changing political climate to humanitarian crises, woke me up and put me right. This was big. Also almost daily skype with Sarasa is the basis of my sanity.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

  Jenna Coleman. It was my first time ever googling a celebrity’s name.

Who did you miss?

  Sarasa and all my friends with whom I share deep shit. I miss prof. Miller too. hahaha

Who was the best new person you met?

Sarah, who is helping out the US-Japan youth exchange program. She is always on top of shit and is truly excited to see the kids grow. Definition of trust.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:

   Sensation fades. Act before thinking, and you will feel joy.

What were your inner conflicts you could not resolve in 2017?

  It is the same conflict that I have been facing all years since college. Do I want to pursue teaching-related work or literature/history related work. But! Writing this made me realize I held a false belief that by getting a teaching experience in Japan I will lose chances to extensively read, write and discuss philosophy, intellectual history and literature in career. Whenever I get bored from finishing tasks related to teaching path, I feel awfully misplaced and am taken over by the nostalgia of intellectual conversations with friends at Wes.

  However, one thing that is clear is that I can continue reading and writing on history and intellectual history through working as a teacher. Let’s not forget that.

  Plus, is nostalgia a proof that I would enjoy going back to academia? What does it mean to read and write and discuss academically?

  Another  conflict I have always had is to live in Japan or in other countries... This has too many factors and everything depends, so I should get over this conflict and be always specific when thinking about locations of residency. And I want to use English, rather than Japanese, for my critical inquiry.

2018 2019               

-get licenses

-intl. exchange program experience

-psych research

-explore topics to inquire about (sociology? contemporary history?)

2020 --> 2022

-teach at elementary/reformatory

-Find what to do next

-Try to produce knowledge (research in psych? soci?)

2023 (age 31)

-PhD in Europe or US

or

-NGO in Mexico --> UNICEF and development career?

2026 (age 34)

-get a teaching position at a university (might not be possible though, with the rise of online education opportunities)

and -Found an organization that does something fun

or

-work for intl. organization while conducting research

2030 (age 40)

-??? cannot even imagine.

What did you like about the projects your worked on? What aspects of those projects do you wish to continue? What other projects do you wish you’d done more of?

1. AK Youth Exchange Project

I liked being paid for the work that helps solve problems that could lead some youth to suicide. It was fun to be the only culturally fluent person to facilitate discussions. Particularly, kids on my side are excited, and I enjoyed being able to be part of the team that can give them this opportunity to them. It feels great to be able to contribute to a local village initiative (Chikusa) that has educational resources that can enrich the lives that touch them. Using my skills to uplift kids with lower self esteem also made me feel good. Writing grant and answering many questions from the grant-giving organization was energy consuming, I think I was able to learn valuable lessons of what to say to whom so that I can invite them into my own world.   I did not like that I had to be swung from left to right by a couple of people who exert age-based authority. I also hate that I do not have a say to certain parts of the project because I am a student. I do not necessarily seek for the highest leadership position, at least I wish I was part of all conversations. I hated being treated as a person who does not have the deciding power. Particularly, the process of paying for my income was not sufficiently explained, and it is still delayed. Those in authority of protecting human rights in Japan are neglecting one of the most important duties. This drives me crazy, I get furious every time I give a thought to this. I will always exchange contracts when there is a salary involved. People really do not care. And be a person who cares. All of the delays could have been avoided if we all met regularly. The problem is that these people say they commit to this without having the necessary time or will to do so. I can’t stand having to be the only listener when I am the youngest. Hate it so much.I would like to continue working on giving chances for youth to think and speak freely about problems and participate in the ecosystem of politics. I guess this is sort of fighting ageism.I hope to do more of intellectualizing this practice-- maybe write a piece to analyze the ecology of this project? Why not! This may lead to a practice report to be published somewhere, talk to Prof. Bauman about it?I was very happy to meet some of the new team members. I would like to continue meeting those who have interests in making the world a better place for disadvantaged youth. It felt nice to connect to a scholar over many rounds of online conferences. I also love traveling, which is so important to my life. I would like to devise more projects that have travel components!! 

2. Getting a teaching license in elementary, junior high and high schooI liked that I had something that would give me a paycheck in a couple of years. One class on human rights was quite an informative and inspiring one in that it taught me precursors who were working for disadvantaged youth and family in rural Japan. That is one reason I can be proud of being a Japanese person.Most of the classes were terrible in that many scholars speak of their ill-informed self-indulgent lectures. Besides understanding the sad reality of malfunctioning academia in Japan, I learned nothing.I wish to continue learning the history of human rights-oriented teachers in the past, and present, globally. That is something that pushes me to work hard to work for disadvantaged people in general. My struggle, in the new lens I just through of, is my tendency to connect with those in the past, rather than those in the present. Or is that what I hope is the case to be the heroin of tragedy?I also have to admit that some classes from Seisa were quite informative in terms of history of education in Japan, as well as what the gov’t has done in shaping the direction of curriculum, effective teaching methods of science and math. That’s not nothing, probably useful skills, but I’m not sure if I can say I fully enjoyed it.

3. Seminars to children and parents 

I definitely enjoyed traveling on train! Train rides make me feel like I am important and so does wearing suits. Pay was very good and I am thankful for that. Conversations with school principals have been somewhat fun, although they aren’t really intellectual. Many of them seem to be swung by newspaper headlines instead of deeply analyzing the reality...  I also enjoyed speaking to an audience of parents and children. The content was developed by Takeuchi-sensei and speaking his content makes me feel like I am doing something good to society, but the thought that it is not mine lingers on. I guess I am learning how to speak, behave and stuff, just instruments. I don’t expect too much from this besides these learning and pay.  I did not like that it was not my original work and that the conversations aren’t so abstract. There isn’t many critical arguments, just questions for the audience. I wish there was more of an discussion that I could provoke in the audience, but to be honest most of the arguments are just plain normative thoughts. I want radical thoughts that change the way I view reality. I want change. I guess boredom overclouds me here.I would like to continue making money from these, but would like to dramatically change slides. At least for children, I want to engage more with them to check the possibility of radical and critical thinking.

4. Flattering Prof. Takeuchi’s students 

  I admit I find it rewarding to engage in conversations with them through critical assessment of the organization. I just complain how authoritarian and dogmatic the organization is in the form of constructive criticism, and I am not sure if some of the sophomores felt my negativity. Talking with sophomores is sometimes fun but I wish we had more of critical discussions on anything. Many students try to say things that please Takeuchi-sensei and I hate that. I would like to be more critical and original in any speech I make and I believe that is how I contribute in general.

I do not desire going to their spring camp and be part of their leadership because I don’t really see myself creating a youth organization where members are uncritical. I also want to discuss intellectual, more challenging things with people who have vocabulary. 

I would like to continue going to smartphone summits occasionally to hear the changing relationships between emerging technology and lives of young people. Besides that, I think I am done and now is the time to move on to my passion, using the communication skills I acquired from these programs.

5. “offline” summer camp

I definitely enjoyed investing my time and energy in working with some of the youth who are struggling with parental over-managing, lack of social skills, lack of communication with parents, etc. When it came down to was their social life problems. It was very inspiring to see that kids who lacked skills to engage with others in effective ways came to be able to do that in 5 days, through extensive chats, play, discussions and simply living together in nature. Structured counseling-like programs also helped them face their problems and claimed the courage to get over.

I enjoyed seeing how kids’ behavior changed, and their emotional energy, not fully expressed, was very pleasant to feel. The camp master’s lessons on “life” felt quite meaningful to be part of, like killing fish taking life and continue the circle of life. What is the point of life?

I was so happy to be able to connect to a girl that at first I didn’t feel would connect to very deeply. She seemed so shy, didn’t talk much, and didn’t show facial expressions. But she cried when I gave her a farewell letter. It taught me that being able to express is a skill that not everyone has the privilege to have. But so what? How much do I care about it? Maybe it was fun but I guess this is sort of like my hobby?

I did not like how youth services people had to call college facilitators over to a kid who was actually intentionally left alone because he was tired of socializing only to show their boss that kids are being cared for. I would argue that an intellectual, confident move would have been to explain fully to their boss that these college facilitators are strategic about engaging with kids, and ask them to articulate their strategies later. I know people aren’t perfect, but it made me angry and Prof should have confronted it. I wish there was more of a critical discussions, rather than top-down advising from camp leaders and adults to youth, honestly. I want more democratic organizational structures with high, and diverse abilities.

“You told me I should be kind to myself. But you should also be more kind to yourself.” -In a letter from a student.

She might have identified the darkness that clouds my path ahead, that I do not know how to satisfy myself. It is true. I do not know what makes me happy honestly. What makes me happy? Writing like this soothes me and makes me feel like I matter to myself. How can I make myself matter to myself?? That is the question this student taught me to think about.

Not sure if summer camps would be my thing, but I would like to continue engaging very deeply with others. Because by doing so, she tried to wonder about my nature and offered such an insightful letter to me. This is a very, very important question to myself. Care for self, and think about what to do that can make me care for myself.

Well but still the song-singing felt so touching and it restored my faith in some of the basic values of being in company with others, having nice friendships.

6. Facilitation for youth programs

  There were some moments I felt quite fulfilling when I was able to help kids be vulnerable and open up. It was also rewarding to compliment them and they seemed really happy and became confident in what they do.

  And the topics included addiction to cyberbullying and usokoku and those are serious concerns for youth. I felt that by being part of the programs that help youth and adults understand the status quo of cyber life, I mattered to the world. That is a great feeling. However, I wish I would be able to feel more Adrenalin pumping though. In other words, although I felt I mattered to the world, I did not matter to myself. To my self, I wasn’t great enough; should my assessment scale be changed or my actions changed?

I would like to continue participating in these programs to better understand both changing and unchanging truth about human lives. but what is actually it that would make me feel like I matter to myself?

7. Volunteer at Kodomohiroba

  This is one of the biggest reasons I feel I would enjoy becoming a school teacher. Every time, I stepped closer to opening up the students who are totally at a loss; parents have brought them to Japan with their reasons and put in school systems that do not have the sufficient support system. But some students seemed so happy talking with me who tries to connect with them through variety of means. It’s like the kids were waiting for me to touch their lives. Maybe they were waiting FOR me to touch their lives so that I can feel like I matter to myself. At the end of each volunteer, I always feel fulfilled, having done great things. Why? It’s not an academic discussion, but I just really enjoy that informal mingling with kids who have different backgrounds and see them open up to me. It’s kind of like me traveling to other countries and meeting with young locals (esp. Mexico) and connecting with them.

I will absolutely continue to volunteer at this organization and find what makes me feel that I matter to myself. Or just simply joy? Is a simply joy enough?

I also enjoyed working with people of various ages and occupations. It is an environment where I can stay faithful in people’s care for civil duty and philanthropy.

I did not like how understanding of students isn’t systematically shared. Maybe I would step up and suggest creating a database of students’ needs, study skills and backgrounds. A

8. Volunteer at elementary schools

It was as joyful as to forget my feeling of being misplaced. I liked my social skills developed a bond with many children. When it comes to building ties, the teachers weren’t an exception. Being able to connect with people as human beings is a rewarding experience. I was particularly happy that children found me interesting, and I found them interesting. With this mutual act of finding each other simply interesting, I cannot help but be nostalgic of the unforgettable sensation and the feeling of my existence mattering to myself through reflective conversations with friends. Maybe I like to be reflective and understand something deep in human thoughts? This leads me to think of reformatory education as one of my potential career paths again. 

I also enjoyed thinking about the role of music in children’s development. From music classes to sports day activities, music seemed to play a large role in facilitating the construction of ties among children. 

There isn’t much I did not like about this project, I think. I would like to continue visiting the elementary school and analyze in what way I want to work with people.

9. Working with UNICEF

I liked that I am working with an intl. organization. That’s cool because it is a symbol of globalization and celebration of cultural diversity. I enjoyed having conversations with some of the smarter people too. Working with UNICEF helped me contextualize seemingly trivial voices of youth I hear hear and there in the changing dialogues of human rights protection.

If possible I would like to keep learning about what is going on around the world. I would love to intern at either in Japan office, NY office or in Mexico to better understand what international organizations can and cannot do, and see how much I like being part of them.

What other projects do you wish you’d done more of?

-I wish I had done more reflective writing and talking. This is to identify project ideas that ring my bell. I am looking for ways to use my life so that I feel I matter to myself.

(Be concrete)

-reading history books for pleasure

-Investment

-read more in psychology, criminology, developmental psych, etc, especially reformatory education-related stuff

-Launch statistical analyses projects

-

New world of career in 2018?

-internship at ...

--> reformatory? can I work with youth on reflection?

-volunteer at...

-try to meet with ...