#CA being the boy unloved by every father he's ever known etc etc

[infiniteseriesofhalfways]

good lord, i just read some shit i wrote back in October, and it fucking hurts, like-

He doesn't hate his father. He loves him like an ant loves a magnifying glass, like ex-smokers love a new pack, like holding your hand to a fire and begging for once, for it to only warm and not burn. His father is a force beyond his control, a god who forgot the verses on mercy. On forgiveness. He doesn't pray to anyone, not since they stopped going to church. But at night he lies awake, pleading with the universe, allow his father to see the truth. His mother is a good woman. He has done his best to be a good son. They have given their entire lives to him, sacrificed nearly every bit of their own desires to try and make him happy. If, someday, his father should wake up and see all of it, maybe then he would start believing in god again. Until then, he can't see anyone looking out for him. He can't find any father in the stars who actually loves him back.

why did i say any of that at all??? could've kept every bit of that to myself.

When CA turns away from him, his heart aches. He wants so badly to reach over, to hold CA until everything bad that has ever happened to him comes tumbling out. He wants to let CA spill his secrets and leave them here in the sand, buried beside forgotten beer bottles and toy shovels. It's in the rise and fall of his chest, faster and faster as he spirals. He can't imagine where CA's thoughts have gone, what fucked up memory he's gotten lost in. He considers his own past, good experiences tainted by the way they ended. He could tell the story, be the first of them to cut himself open tonight. A bloody invitation for CA to do the same. Not a demand. Not a requirement. An open palm and a promise under moonlight.

like idk who i was thinking i was but i have in fact depressed the shit out of myself three months later