#But with Eli being a ghost and Ronove a voidal they have all the time in the world to work things out

[cadrenebula]

Unforgiven

(This was supposed to take place before the holidays in 2023. I just happened to write it this month. Yeah 2024 wasn't my year in getting much done. There will be a more updated piece for this past holiday season soon.)

Ronove took a deep breath. A part of him didn't want to turn around. Fen had left them alone as he had wanted. The others of the group had moved along. Now it was just Elijah and himself. Alone. Ronove had wanted this but at the same time he didn't as he looked at the anima lamp he was holding.

Where to start? He had so many emotions over everything that had happened. Over everything that he had learned. The truth of everything between them.

Carefully he placed the lamp down nearby. He didn't trust himself holding it. Damaging it when it wasn't his didn't seem like a very nice thing to do. What they needed to talk about was emotional and he didn't trust himself not to do something to the lamp, even accidentally. Even if it could be replaced. That wasn't the point of this talk.

He took a shaky breath as he closed his eyes and tipped his head back. He could delay this all he wanted but it was a talk they needed. It was emotions he needed to deal with. Even if he didn't have the memories of his past self. Eli was waiting patiently for him to be ready. Waiting wasn't a pressure since both of them technically had forever to deal with this. But Ronove knew his own feelings on this needed to be dealt with.

Elijah knew it wouldn't do him any good to push this. He'd already offered apologies. There wasn't anything he could fix. Right now he just simply waited to hear his fate. Would he be staying or moving on after Alberich was dealt with? He would let Ronove decide that fate. His hands itched to reach out to his former partner. But he kept his hands clasped in front of him. Waiting. Waiting was something he'd gotten very good at over the two thousand some years since their tragedy together.

Gold eyes finally turned to meet blue. A long tense moment of silence between them. Both faces carefully blank and their eyes searched each other for answers they wouldn't easily find.

It felt like memories were at the edges of his fingertips as he stared at Elijah. Felt like he could feel the beat of a musical rhythm. Something forgotten stirring inside of him. His heart felt like it was being squeezed as he stared at Eli. Part of him wanted to cup Eli's cheek.

Instead his hand met the wall beside Eli's head as he snarled softly. But Eli didn't flinch from the action. The other merely looked away, crestfallen. Somehow that reaction hurt more than expected. Ronove blinked in surprise before he scowled again, leaning in closer to Eli's face. Waiting till the other finally looked back up at him.

“I don't forgive you for what you've done. You might have thought it was the best you could do. But you never considered MY feelings, Eli! You never considered how I would feel. You never considered how much I would suffer. I was doomed with or without my memories. But I might have fought harder to get back to the Troupe if you hadn't taken that away from me too. Fen might have been able to help us.”

“I know... I can't undo what I have done. I can only apologize for it. I can only wish you hadn't suffered for my mistakes. I had no true knowledge on just how powerful Fen might be. Or that there was enough skill among the Troupe to possibly stand against Alberich or the Vanguard. I had no way of knowing. I don't expect you to forgive and forget. I would never ask that of you, Ronove.” Eli sighed heavily as he closed his eyes against the tears he felt welling up inside of him. The only thing they had ever fought about had been leaving Mhach. But that wasn't the same. It wasn't full of hurt feelings and sadness. It wasn't attached to thousands of years of suffering. “I didn't want to risk the Troupe's safety against the Vanguard...”

Ronove scowled. He knew Elijah was right. He could feel it more than remember it. How much would he have been willing to tell about the Troupe? Probably not as much as he would have needed. Not as much as Eli would have needed to make a better choice. Ronove was silent for the moment as he digested this truth.

“If you never want to see me again once Alberich is gone... I'll move on. I know we might never be what we once were... We're not the same people anymore.” Eli didn't want to say Ronove wasn't Jesse anymore. It didn't feel right because some parts of Jesse might still remain. Eli knew he hadn't changed much himself. It was hard to change much when trapped in one place with no one who could hear him. “You don't have to decide now though. I'll remain here till you decide. Or at least till Alberich is gone. So that I know future Vanguard are safe. I'll stay for now because what I know might be useful.”

His throat felt choked with emotions as Ronove stared down at Eli's now opened eyes. He could see the tears that were being held back. The other wasn't going to cry. Not in front of Ronove. Eli wasn't going to use tears to try and sway Ronove's decision. They had both suffered much in the things that had happened. Elijah had to helplessly watch while Ronove suffered terribly. But most of his suffering had been more physical than Eli's.

His heart hurt so much as he moved to rest his forehead against Eli's. “I don't forgive you. Not right now... Maybe not ever...” His voice was choked. “I don't know what I want right now.” His heart wanted Elijah. He wanted to hug the shorter man tight and not let go. It was probably the parts of him that were still Jesse. He could remember the feel of their hands joined. “But.... I don't want you gone. That is your choice, not mine.” Now his hand did caress over Eli's cheek as he felt his own were warm with tears. “I don't forgive you... But I don't hate you... I just... Need time...”

Eli sniffled as he reached a hand up to gently wipe away the tears on Ronove's cheeks. “We have all the time in the world. The joys of being mostly immortal.” Giving a strangled chuckle as he tried to give a tearful smile to Ronove. “Take all the time you need. I'll be here with the Troupe no matter what you finally decide. And I'll honor that choice. Whatever it might be... Even if it means the end of what used to be between us.”

Ronove moved quickly, tipping Eli's head back enough to kiss him. It was a hard kiss full of mixed emotions. A kiss that was both a goodbye and a 'I still love you'. It didn't last long before Ronove pulled away completely. He scrubbed at his cheeks as he moved to snatch up the anima lamp. Only for Eli's hand to stop him before touching the lamp.

“Could you leave it here? I'd like some time alone please...” Eli offered Ronove a sad smile. “May the gods smile on whatever paths you take, Ronove.”

Ronove nodded as he left Eli alone in the room with the lamp. He resisted the urge to turn around and go back to Eli. They both needed time. Ronove especially. He still needed to figure out who exactly he wanted to be. That wasn't something he was sure he could figure out living in the shadow of his past self. For now Ronove headed to find Fen. He could definitely use a hug right about now.