#But suppose it needed that 'Procrastinating on my dissertation energy' to get me moving | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dnkaus · 6 years ago

Text

Fateful Visions | Chapter 20: Strength of Mind

Namjoon x Reader (OC)

Summary: Idol Namjoon meets a grad student, Maya, but he experiences strange visions each time their eyes meet and they touch one another. Fate plays a magnetic role, & keeps bringing them together. Are these visions a sign that they should stay away or stay together?

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Previous Part: Chapter Nineteen Next Part: Chapter Twenty One

2 years later

They say that time heals all wounds. Perhaps, it really does. Or at least, we get used to living with the wounds over time. It was similar for Maya and Namjoon. They continued to float along with the course of life like a paper boat in a lake. Maya graduated with her Ph.D. and began her official journey as a writer. Her dissertation was published in the The New Yorker as a special edition piece and she was gaining traction from multiple publicists in the U.S., because they all wanted her first novel in English. But Maya was adamant about writing in Korean. She knew that’s what she was most comfortable with and what she was most passionate about, so she declined all the offers from American publishers.

Fortunately, she also received offers from countless Korean publishing companies, and it was really up to her, which company she would choose. The company she wanted to picked was Violet Inc., which in the past had published countless big titles in Korea and outside of Korea. It was one of the oldest Korean publishing companies, and most trusted. However, there was one small issue with her signing the book under the company.

They wanted her to stay in Korea while she wrote the book as they wanted to assign an editor to her that would meet with her throughout the publishing journey and make sure she was on the right track. She had tried to talk with the staff about her request of staying in America, multiple times, but they insisted that if the book was to be written in Korean, then they would need her to come personally to Korea, while she wrote and promoted the book.

Maya had taken some time to think about the offer. Truthfully, the offer wasn’t so bad. They were giving her a large advance check, which would help her finish paying off her student loans she had taken out throughout graduate school and she knew she needed to make sure she had a good editor for this novel because this was one of the most highly anticipated books. But still, she just didn’t know whether she was ready to go to Korea. Again.

The other concern that Maya had was in regards to her blog. Her blog was increasingly famous, which meant big name advertisers wanted to sponsor her blog. However, somewhere inside she was starting to feel guilty regarding the advertisements on her blog. The intention for that blog was to spread love, and somewhere along the way the blog had become a product itself. She had decided before graduating that once she recieves her Ph.D. she would stop advertising anything on the blog. She would keep the site as it was meant to be. A mere space where she would share her wan blue thoughts.

But if she stopped advertising then how would she survive in Korea while she wrote her book? Her blog was her source of income till now. But without the sponsors she would have no income. She had gone back and forth about her options. One early morning she couldn’t fall asleep because of the stress, so she decided to call Han Bi and tell her about her dilemma.

“Hey, what’s up?” Han Bi answered as she picked up the phone. At this point Han Bi was settled in the clinic that she was working at and she had even moved to a bigger apartment recently. She and Maya had continued to stay in touch with each other all these years, and would call each almost every few days, so Han Bi was not surprised to see her call.

“Hey, are you busy?” Maya asked as she heard sounds in the background.

“Oh, no! I am just here with Junmyeon for our weekly dinner. Why? What’s wrong? You sound a bit stressed” Han Bi knew Maya quite well. She knew when her best friend was upset.

“Umm, nothing. It’s just...I just don’t know what to do. Since we last talked, I still haven’t made my decision.” Maya explained. She had told Han Bi previously about the offers she was getting and she had also told her about Violet Inc. Han Bi didn’t know what to say. She knew this was something Maya had to decide on her own. After all this was her life.

“Maya, I think there is no wrong decision here. Whichever offer you choose, you’ll end up with the same dilemma. If you don’t want to accept sponsorship for your blog, then you have to decide how you will survive till you write your book. It doesn’t matter whether you are in Korea or America.” Han Bi reminded Maya.

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I think the bigger question is whether I want to come back to Korea or not.” Maya explained.

“I see. So it seems like you don’t want to come back here. You don’t want to be around us?” Han Bi questioned.

Maya shook her head, as if Han Bi was actually in front of her and could see her expressions. “No, that’s not the case at all. I would love to see you guys again. I just…” Maya sighed. “You know why….” Maya didn’t have it in her to explain her reasoning. In her mind, she associated Korea with her time with Namjoon. As much as she loved the country, there was just something painfully nostalgic about going back.

Junmyeon who was sitting next to Han Bi, suddenly gestured Han Bi to give him her phone. Junmyeon and Maya had also been consistently in touch throughout Maya’s time in America. They didn’t talk as often, but Maya made sure he was updated on most of the things that happened in her life. Just like Han Bi, he knew about the book deals.

“Hey, Maya” Junmyeon said as he grabbed the phone from Han Bi’s hand and put it on speaker.

“Oh, hi Junmyeon Oppa, sorry to bother you guys during your dinner. I was just…”

“No, don’t be sorry. This feels like old times again. It’s nice actually.” Junmyeon laughed. “Anyways, I overheard what you were telling Han Bi….and I don’t know if you realize this but, your reason for not accepting this offer is silly. I mean you are getting the type of deal you always wanted, aren’t you? They are giving you a nice hefty advance and they are willing to work with you throughout the process. What more could you want?” Junmyeon questioned.

“I am not sure. I guess I am just afraid. I am sure I could get a job while I work on my book, but the idea of being there again...it just scares me.”

“What are you afraid of? That guy?” Junmyeon asked referring to Namjoon. “Maya, I know it’s going to hurt when I say this, but I am sure he is already moved on from you. It’s literally been years. I think you need to move on too. And by not accepting this offer you are only limiting yourself.” Junmyeon continued.

“I know. He...he probably has.” Maya stuttered as she started the sentence and then paused. “ But you are right….I guess I just need to figure out the job situation, if I accept the offer. I really don’t want advertisements on the blog anymore. It feels wrong, you know?” Maya replied.

“I understand. But don’t worry about the job situation. I am sure you’ll find one as soon as you come here. Just accept the offer and come back here. We all miss you!” Junmyeon responded with enthusiasm.

Han Bi took the phone back from Junmyeon. “Maya, do what feels right to you. We would love to have you back here. But only if you want to.”

“You two are too much.” Maya laughed. “But no I agree, I should do what’s good for my career, and I think the offer is too good to let go.” Maya continued.

“Wait, does this mean, you are coming then?” Han Bi asked, just to confirm.

Maya smiled. “I guess so.”

2 Months Later

Within a few months, Maya was back on the airplane back to Seoul, Korea. Maya realized that she needed to continue living her life without the shadow of her past. She accepted the offer to publish with Violet Inc.

As soon as she arrived in Korea and settled into another apartment, there was a new found energy inside of her. By this point she had already decided the topic of her new book. She knew what she was going to write about and she was excited to get started. Han Bi and Junmyeon had also helped Maya settle in, and they were trying to help her find a job that she could do while she completed her book. Maya was using the money from her advance to settle in her new place, but the money was starting to run low and she still had not found a way for a stable income.

Truthfully, Maya could have worked anywhere. She was even willing to work at some cafe or a restaurant, but Han Bi and Junmyeon were adamant about making sure that Maya found a job that was suited for someone with a doctorate. After all, Maya was now Dr. Maya Shroff. She couldn’t just work anywhere.

It was one morning a few weeks after Maya had moved to Korea, when a strange job offer came to her from Junmyeon. Junmyeon was supposed to head to London for a few days for a fashion show, but before leaving for his flight, he dropped by Maya’s apartment to tell her about his idea.

“So tell me, what brings you here on this bright and early morning, Oppa?” Maya asked as he sat down on the chair in the living. Maya still had not purchased a couch in her living room. She kept saying she was waiting to find the right one, but somewhere inside, she knew she was procrastinating because she was afraid to fully settle into her new place. She was afraid to call it home.

“I wanted to ask something. But before I do that, take this.” Junmyeon pulled out a box and handed it to Maya. Maya was confused at first, but she took the box anyways. A sweet smell was spreading into the room, giving away the possible contents of the box. “Wait are these rice cakes?” Maya said as she gently opened the box.

“Oh my gosh! Ahh, I missed these so much!” A bright smile appeared on Maya’s face and she almost shouted as she saw the contents and her suspicions was proven true. Those were indeed rice cakes.

“I figured you did. I bet they don’t have those in America!” Junmyeon smiled and bragged.

“Well , they do, but they never taste as the ones here. Thank you so much! I am so excited to try them!” Maya said as she took one out of the box and offered one to Junmyeon.

“Wait! Before we eat them, I actually have something else to tell you.” Junmyeon’s bright smile disappeared and turned into expressions of nervousness and worry.

“Sure!” Maya said with curious expressions and sat down in another chair across from Junmyeon.

“Gosh, I don’t know how to say this…” Junmyeon suddenly felt his feet get tense. He knew what he was about to say would bring out all of Maya’s anxiety, but still he felt like he at least needed to try.

“What is it? You seem a little scared, which makes me a little….scared” Maya responded as she suddenly started having flashbacks of all the times idols had sat in her living room and given her the same nervous look. There was Namjoon. Then there was Jimin. And now, even Junmyeon? Wow, she was definitely cursed in her past life.

“Oh no! It’s nothing bad, I promise. I just had this idea and I wanted to see what you thought.” Junmyeon assured.

“Oh okay, well what is it?” Maya said.

“Ummm….I was wondering what’s your opinion on songwriting?” Junmyeon asked a strangely vague question.

“Songwriting? What? I mean….why are you suddenly asking me about songwriting?” Now it was Maya’s turn to suddenly become nervous and frazzled. She felt as if someone had found out her deep dark secret, when Junmyeon suddenly asked about songwriting. She had never really written a song herself, but she remembered the songs she had helped Namjoon with. But she was certain she had never told anyone about that, except BTS members. Maya tasted something bitter inside her throat.

Junmyeon sighed. “Actually, I was wondering because SM is looking for a songwriter, and I thought of you when I heard the news. I thought you could write songs while your write you book. You know, just as a side job.” Junmyeon explained. Junmyeon knew going into this conversation that Maya would not like this idea. He knew ever since her break-up being in the Kpop industry was like her worst fear, but he also realized this was an amazing opportunity for her. He didn’t want her to miss it.

Maya suddenly started laughing. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She looked at Junmyeon with amusement and confusion. “Wait, you must be joking, right?” Maya asked. She was waiting for Junmyeon to start laughing alongside her, but he didn't. He seemed just as serious as before.

“I am not joking, Maya.They are hiring someone who can speak both English and Korean. You are the perfect candidate! A well known writer like you would get the most amazing pay and opportunity! Plus, you wouldn’t even have to dedicate so much time as you would with other jobs.”

“Oppa, you are supposed to be older than me. I never thought you would suggest such an absurd idea for the job.” Maya wheezed and folded her arms across her chest.

“What’s so absurd about it?” Junmyeon retorted.

“The sheer fact that you even thought about bringing this up to me is blowing my mind. Why would I want to join the world that’s hurt me in the past? You know how I feel about Kpop. You know how toxic your industry is. Why would I partake in any part of it?”

Junmyeon was silent for a second. He knew Maya was right. He was well aware of the toxicity of his own field. He knew he wasn't just part of the industry, but he was the product. He knew once his value as a product reduces, he would be thrown aside. But that didn’t mean that Maya would go through the same thing. “Maya, being an idol and being a songwriter are a very different things. You as the songwriter would only be working backstage. You are not the product. You would be the producer of the product.”

“I know the difference between a songwriter and an idol. Trust me. But let me ask you something, when was the last time SM had hired a woman of color into their company? I am not talking about the people they buy their songs from. I am talking about hiring someone to work under SM.”

Junmyeon was quiet. He didn’t know how to answer the question.

“Exactly. Oppa, the idol industry is the last place that will accept someone like me. Even if I am well-known. Do you know how many people have told me that I was lying about being the author of Wan Blue Thoughts? Do you know how many companies took back the offer for the book I wanted to write after they saw my interviews?” Maya paused for a second. All her inner frustration was coming out at this point. She had never told Junmyeon and Han Bi about how publishing companies had retracted their offers when they realized what Maya looked like. She had also never mentioned to them the hate mails and messages she had received after she revealed her identity. She was not surprised by the response, but it didn’t stop her from getting hurt.

“Oh and let’s not forget the real reason why the leader of BTS broke up with me years ago. It’s true that the man was in a position when he was not allowed to date, but you know why he was avoiding telling Bang PD? Because he was ashamed of his relationship with me. He might not have consciously known this at the time. But that’s really what it was. He couldn’t stand up for what he believed in, and fell for the trap that Bang PD laid out for him. This is what the idol industry does to you. It breaks you from the core.” Maya was speaking with a calm voice, but Junmyeon could feel the harshness beneath the calm facade. The words weren’t towards him. But he could imagine how much it would have stung, if they were. It’s like second-hand burn.

“What? They took the offers back? This is ridiculous. I have read your work. They are totally going to regret it once your novel gets published.” Junmyeon responded to Maya’s earlier comment. He clearly had no words for the latter one.

“We’ll see, I guess.” Maya defeatedly replied.

“Look I understand what you mean, Maya. I guess I was trying to let you know about the opportunity. You have been through a lot and I never meant to undermine your pain and the struggle. I just felt like this would be a chance for you to grow as a writer and also have enough time working on your novel. I am sorry if I offended you.” Junmyeon surrendered as he realized the amount of things Maya had faced in the past few years. He knew about most of the things, but he had never fully grasped the full context of Maya’s struggle. Besides, Maya had never told him either. She kept most of the things to herself.

“I am sorry. I didn’t mean to go off on you.” Maya again gave a short response.

Junmyeon sighed again. He knew he was opening a can of worms he should have never opened, but at the same time, every time he met Maya he always had the urge to encourage her to do bigger things since he knew Maya was not the sort of person to take risks on her own.

“Look, sometimes I am just afraid you are letting your fears stop you from achieving things.” Junmyeon couldn’t help but say what was on his mind. “You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for, Maya. The things you have overcome are not easy. Perhaps, I just see you doing greater things in life. I see you as someone who rules the course of her life, instead of letting life’s course rule over her. Of course, in the end it’s up to you.”

“Words are easy to say, but hard to follow. Honestly, I am tired, oppa. I am tired of being strong. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. I just want to write my book in peace.” Maya’s tone was somber.

“I understand. I am sorry. It’s up to you!We’ll find you another job, don’t worry, alright?” Junmyeon gently put his hand on Maya’s shoulder. He realized this was a battle that was not worth fighting. In the end, Maya’s happiness was what was more important.

Maya nodded.

“Alright, let’s enjoy those rice cakes, shall we?” Junmyeon reached over the box and grabbed a rice cake and handed it to Maya. She gave a weak smile and accepted.

Little did Junmyeon know that he had already planted a seed in Maya’s head. A seed that would play as a catalyst for another life changing event.

1 Week Later

Junmyeon had just landed from his trip to London and had returned back to the EXO dorms when he suddenly received a call from Maya.

“Hey, what’s up?!” Junmyeon answered.

“Hey! Not much. Are you busy?” Maya asked.

“No I just came back to the dorms after my trip. How have you been?”

“Oh I have been well. What about you? How was your trip?”

“Yeah it was fun, but I am glad to be back. I am exhausted” Junmyeon replied.

“Well, I won’t keep you for too long. l Just wanted to ask, is that SM songwriting position is still open?” Maya suddenly asked a question Junmyeon had never expected her to ask.

“I am sorry, what?” Junmyeon just couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had to verify.

“I….I was asking if that songwriting position was still available…” Maya answered.

“Oh...I am pretty sure it is. Why? Are you interested?”

“Umm...yeah, actually I think I am.” Maya gave a surprising response.

Junmyeon suddenly had so many questions that he wanted to ask Maya, but he decided to wait. He figured he would ask when they meet again.

“Okay, well let me send you all the relevant information and then you can apply.” Junmyeon excitedly responded.

“Thanks. Now you should take some rest, Oppa.”

“Alright, I will. Thanks.” Junmyeon replied.

“Maya…” Junmyeon asked after a pause.

“Hmm?” Maya responded.

“I am proud of you.” Junmyeon replied.

Maya smirked. “I guess I am proud of me too.”

2 Weeks Later

Within 2 weeks Maya found herself walking into the building she had never in a million years thought she would even go near. She was having her final interview with one of the producers at SM Entertainment for the songwriting position. She was given a song and asked to write lyrics that matched with the concept that was provided to her ahead of time. She went to the office to submit her lyrics and learn about a new plan that the company was developing. She had decided to go with Junmyeon for moral support.

Truthfully, songwriting was completely different than what she was used to. She needed to make sure there were rap verses and choruses. This was not what she had been trained to do. But nonetheless, she tried her best. Worst case scenario she wouldn’t get the job, which didn’t bother her at all. She was doing this to prove something to herself.

Flashback to 3 weeks ago

After Junmyeon had left that day after telling Maya about the SM songwriter position, Maya was adamant that this was a terrible idea. She was certain that she would never take any part in the Kpop industry and so really there was no reason to even consider the offer.

Except the voice inside her head was saying otherwise. Was she being a coward by running away from this offer? Was Junmyeon right, that she was letting her fear stop her from achieving bigger things? What was her true reason for rejecting this opportunity? Was it because she was afraid she wouldn’t be hired or was she afraid of being part of the world that included Namjoon? Was she really letting her past dictate her future? She was starting to generalize a whole country, a whole industry based on one instance. That’s not fair.

These thoughts lingered inside Maya’s head long after Junmyeon went on his trip. Everytime Maya sat down to work on her novel, she would suddenly start wondering if she was making the right decision to not even consider the offer.

Maya had heard over the years from Junmyeon about all the issues with SM Entertainment. However, there was no denying that the company was still one of the biggest and was flourishing with the new wave of artists that were debuting under the label. As Junmyeon had mentioned in his conversation, that she would most likely be paid quite nicely considering her fluency in both Korean and English, but the question remained would they even hire her? Would she even consider applying?

It suddenly occurred to Maya one morning when she realized something about her life so far. Maya was the only non-White person in her graduate program back in Arkansas. She was the only non-White student in the classes she took to learn Korean. Same with her siblings. They were all a minority in their respective field. But why? Was it because people of color didn’t want to become lawyers, doctors, and writers? Or was it because they weren’t given the same opportunities? Was Maya closing the door for future people of color by not accepting the opportunities given to her? What if her entering SM Entertainment could open doors for other people of color in the industry? Up until now, her culture was often used in Kpop songs as a trend. But if given the chance, could she shed light on a new aspect?

She would merely be a songwriter, but at least she would be leaving a mark for other minority groups. Maybe it could open doors to other non-Korean, non-Asian, and non-White individuals that have dreamed of being in the industry. Or even if it doesn’t, she would still get to tell more stories. She would get to express herself in a new way. Something she had never done before. So, maybe she should consider the offer. Maybe, it wasn’t the worst idea ever.

Present Day

In the end, she decided to give it a try. Just to see if they would even hire her at SM Entertainment.

And they did. In fact, they offered the job quite easily. It almost surprised Maya at how easy the process went.

If Maya accepted the offer, Maya would become the first person of color to be a songwriter at SM Entertainment. In fact, SM Entertainment would hire her to be a part of a new team they had developed that would be in charge of creating songs that held more meaning and were part of the bigger concept. Under this team she would be working with a new group that SM was planning to debut and her songs would be meant to attract a more international audience.

SM had curated this new team after completing a thorough research regarding the sudden explosion of Kpop in the West. This research was influenced by none other than the record breaking group, BTS.

Maya was told about this new team in her final meeting with the SM producer, who was already quite impressed with the lyrics Maya had just submitted. Maya was sitting next Junmyeon when she was explained the entire situation. Many emotions arose inside Maya during this meeting. She was feeling astonished, intrigued, scared, confused, and genuinely nervous. When the producer mentioned BTS, she could feel the color of her skin fading. She couldn’t help but ask, “So, let me get this straight...you all want to create another...BTS?” Maya gave the producer a strange look.

The producer was just another Korean man who was most likely in his late 30s. Junmyeon and Maya were sitting in his office, as the producer clarified his goal about this new team.

The producer smiled. “Well, I am not sure if it’s really possible to create another BTS, but we can at least use the framework to develop our own group, can’t we?”

“I am not sure I understand.” Maya asked.

“Look, it’s not about BTS. In general, the Kpop world is changing. We need songs that have deep meaning and quality lyrics if we want to break into the American industry. We are hoping if we hire you, it will help us reach that goal. Because your blog is famous in the West already, and if they hear that you are working for us, that will automatically gain some attention. So, we think you would be a great addition to the team we have curated for this new project.”

“Wow, that’s actually a great change, right Maya?” Junmyeon replied and turned towards Maya to see her reaction. He knew that the producer mentioning BTS had probably set off some fire alarms inside Maya’s head. He needed to divert her attention.

Maya hesitantly nodded.

“Great, so if you agree to become a part of the SM family then you can sign the contract right here.” The producer said as he handed Maya a stack of papers with a X marked next to the blank where Maya needed to sign.

Maya picked up the papers in her hand, staring at the words on the pages. She flipped through the stack trying to quickly skim through and make sure she wasn’t agreeing to do anything crazy. But still suddenly Maya’s hand started shaking as she picked up the pen in her hand. Was she doing the right thing? Was this a good idea? She turned towards Junmyeon who gave her a calm smile.

“Go ahead” Junmyeon said in almost a whisper.

Maya gave him a small nod and turned back to the producer, who also gave her a small smile.

She then slowly open the lid of the pen and signed the contract. Chills went down her spine when she saw her signature on the contract. It finally hit her.

Maya was now a part of SM Entertainment.

8 notes · View notes

alivannarose · 6 years ago

Text

Laziness Does Not Exist

But unseen barriers do.

[This article was posted on Medium, written by Erika Price]

I’ve been a psychology professor since 2012. In the past six years, I’ve witnessed students of all ages procrastinate on papers, skip presentation days, miss assignments, and let due dates fly by. I’ve seen promising prospective grad students fail to get applications in on time; I’ve watched PhD candidates take months or years revising a single dissertation draft; I once had a student who enrolled in the same class of mine two semesters in a row, and never turned in anything either time.

I don’t think laziness was ever at fault.

Ever.

In fact, I don’t believe that laziness exists.

I’m a social psychologist, so I’m interested primarily in the situational and contextual factors that drive human behavior. When you’re seeking to predict or explain a person’s actions, looking at the social norms, and the person’s context, is usually a pretty safe bet. Situational constraints typically predict behavior far better than personality, intelligence, or other individual-level traits.

So when I see a student failing to complete assignments, missing deadlines, or not delivering results in other aspects of their life, I’m moved to ask: what are the situational factors holding this student back? What needs are currently not being met? And, when it comes to behavioral “laziness”, I’m especially moved to ask: what are the barriers to action that I can’t see?

There are always barriers. Recognizing those barriers— and viewing them as legitimate — is often the first step to breaking “lazy” behavior patterns.

…

It’s really helpful to respond to a person’s ineffective behavior with curiosity rather than judgment. I learned this from a friend of mine, the writer and activist Kimberly Longhofer (who publishes under Mik Everett). Kim is passionate about the acceptance and accommodation of disabled people and homeless people. Their writing about both subjects is some of the most illuminating, bias-busting work I’ve ever encountered. Part of that is because Kim is brilliant, but it’s also because at various points in their life, Kim has been both disabled and homeless.

Kim is the person who taught me that judging a homeless person for wanting to buy alcohol or cigarettes is utter folly. When you’re homeless, the nights are cold, the world is unfriendly, and everything is painfully uncomfortable. Whether you’re sleeping under a bridge, in a tent, or at a shelter, it’s hard to rest easy. You are likely to have injuries or chronic conditions that bother you persistently, and little access to medical care to deal with it. You probably don’t have much healthy food.

In that chronically uncomfortable, over-stimulating context, needing a drink or some cigarettes makes fucking sense. As Kim explained to me, if you’re laying out in the freezing cold, drinking some alcohol may be the only way to warm up and get to sleep. If you’re under-nourished, a few smokes may be the only thing that kills the hunger pangs. And if you’re dealing with all this while also fighting an addiction, then yes, sometimes you just need to score whatever will make the withdrawal symptoms go away, so you can survive.

Few people who haven’t been homeless think this way. They want to moralize the decisions of poor people, perhaps to comfort themselves about the injustices of the world. For many, it’s easier to think homeless people are, in part, responsible for their suffering than it is to acknowledge the situational factors.

And when you don’t fully understand a person’s context — what it feels like to be them every day, all the small annoyances and major traumas that define their life — it’s easy to impose abstract, rigid expectations on a person’s behavior. All homeless people should put down the bottle and get to work. Never mind that most of them have mental health symptoms and physical ailments, and are fighting constantly to be recognized as human. Never mind that they are unable to get a good night’s rest or a nourishing meal for weeks or months on end. Never mind that even in my comfortable, easy life, I can’t go a few days without craving a drink or making an irresponsible purchase. They have to do better.

But they’re already doing the best they can. I’ve known homeless people who worked full-time jobs, and who devoted themselves to the care of other people in their communities. A lot of homeless people have to navigate bureaucracies constantly, interfacing with social workers, case workers, police officers, shelter staff, Medicaid staff, and a slew of charities both well-meaning and condescending. It’s a lot of fucking work to be homeless. And when a homeless or poor person runs out of steam and makes a “bad decision”, there’s a damn good reason for it.

If a person’s behavior doesn’t make sense to you, it is because you are missing a part of their context. It’s that simple. I’m so grateful to Kim and their writing for making me aware of this fact. No psychology class, at any level, taught me that. But now that it is a lens that I have, I find myself applying it to all kinds of behaviors that are mistaken for signs of moral failure — and I’ve yet to find one that can’t be explained and empathized with.

…

Let’s look at a sign of academic “laziness” that I believe is anything but: procrastination.

People love to blame procrastinators for their behavior. Putting off work sure looks lazy, to an untrained eye. Even the people who are actively doing the procrastinating can mistake their behavior for laziness. You’re supposed to be doing something, and you’re not doing it — that’s a moral failure right? That means you’re weak-willed, unmotivated, and lazy, doesn’t it?

For decades, psychological research has been able to explain procrastination as a functioning problem, not a consequence of laziness. When a person fails to begin a project that they care about, it’s typically due to either a) anxiety about their attempts not being “good enough” or b) confusion about what the first steps of the task are. Not laziness. In fact, procrastination is more likely when the task is meaningful and the individual cares about doing it well.

When you’re paralyzed with fear of failure, or you don’t even know how to begin a massive, complicated undertaking, it’s damn hard to get shit done. It has nothing to do with desire, motivation, or moral upstandingness. Procastinators can will themselves to work for hours; they can sit in front of a blank word document, doing nothing else, and torture themselves; they can pile on the guilt again and again — none of it makes initiating the task any easier. In fact, their desire to get the damn thing done may worsen their stress and make starting the task harder.

The solution, instead, is to look for what is holding the procrastinator back. If anxiety is the major barrier, the procrastinator actually needs to walk away from the computer/book/word document and engage in a relaxing activity. Being branded “lazy” by other people is likely to lead to the exact opposite behavior.

Often, though, the barrier is that procrastinators have executive functioning challenges — they struggle to divide a large responsibility into a series of discrete, specific, and ordered tasks. Here’s an example of executive functioning in action: I completed my dissertation (from proposal to data collection to final defense) in a little over a year. I was able to write my dissertation pretty easily and quickly because I knew that I had to a) compile research on the topic, b) outline the paper, c) schedule regular writing periods, and d) chip away at the paper, section by section, day by day, according to a schedule I had pre-determined.

Nobody had to teach me to slice up tasks like that. And nobody had to force me to adhere to my schedule. Accomplishing tasks like this is consistent with how my analytical, hyper-focused, Autistic little brain works. Most people don’t have that ease. They need an external structure to keep them writing — regular writing group meetings with friends, for example — and deadlines set by someone else. When faced with a major, massive project, most people want advice for how to divide it into smaller tasks, and a timeline for completion. In order to track progress, most people require organizational tools, such as a to-do list, calendar, datebook, or syllabus.

Needing or benefiting from such things doesn’t make a person lazy. It just means they have needs. The more we embrace that, the more we can help people thrive.

…

I had a student who was skipping class. Sometimes I’d see her lingering near the building, right before class was about to start, looking tired. Class would start, and she wouldn’t show up. When she was present in class, she was a bit withdrawn; she sat in the back of the room, eyes down, energy low. She contributed during small group work, but never talked during larger class discussions.

A lot of my colleagues would look at this student and think she was lazy, disorganized, or apathetic. I know this because I’ve heard how they talk about under-performing students. There’s often rage and resentment in their words and tone — why won’t this student take my class seriously? Why won’t they make me feel important, interesting, smart?

But my class had a unit on mental health stigma. It’s a passion of mine, because I’m a neuroatypical psychologist. I know how unfair my field is to people like me. The class & I talked about the unfair judgments people levy against those with mental illness; how depression is interpreted as laziness, how mood swings are framed as manipulative, how people with “severe” mental illnesses are assumed incompetent or dangerous.

The quiet, occasionally-class-skipping student watched this discussion with keen interest. After class, as people filtered out of the room, she hung back and asked to talk to me. And then she disclosed that she had a mental illness and was actively working to treat it. She was busy with therapy and switching medications, and all the side effects that entails. Sometimes, she was not able to leave the house or sit still in a classroom for hours. She didn’t dare tell her other professors that this was why she was missing classes and late, sometimes, on assignments; they’d think she was using her illness as an excuse. But she trusted me to understand.

And I did. And I was so, so angry that this student was made to feel responsible for her symptoms. She was balancing a full course load, a part-time job, and ongoing, serious mental health treatment. And she was capable of intuiting her needs and communicating them with others. She was a fucking badass, not a lazy fuck. I told her so.

She took many more classes with me after that, and I saw her slowly come out of her shell. By her Junior and Senior years, she was an active, frank contributor to class — she even decided to talk openly with her peers about her mental illness. During class discussions, she challenged me and asked excellent, probing questions. She shared tons of media and current-events examples of psychological phenomena with us. When she was having a bad day, she told me, and I let her miss class. Other professors — including ones in the psychology department — remained judgmental towards her, but in an environment where her barriers were recognized and legitimized, she thrived.

…

Over the years, at that same school, I encountered countless other students who were under-estimated because the barriers in their lives were not seen as legitimate. There was the young man with OCD who always came to class late, because his compulsions sometimes left him stuck in place for a few moments. There was the survivor of an abusive relationship, who was processing her trauma in therapy appointments right before my class each week. There was the young woman who had been assaulted by a peer — and who had to continue attending classes with that peer, while the school was investigating the case.

These students all came to me willingly, and shared what was bothering them. Because I discussed mental illness, trauma, and stigma in my class, they knew I would be understanding. And with some accommodations, they blossomed academically. They gained confidence, made attempts at assignments that intimidated them, raised their grades, started considering graduate school and internships. I always found myself admiring them. When I was a college student, I was nowhere near as self-aware. I hadn’t even begun my lifelong project of learning to ask for help.

…

Students with barriers were not always treated with such kindness by my fellow psychology professors. One colleague, in particular, was infamous for providing no make-up exams and allowing no late arrivals. No matter a student’s situation, she was unflinchingly rigid in her requirements. No barrier was insurmountable, in her mind; no limitation was acceptable. People floundered in her class. They felt shame about their sexual assault histories, their anxiety symptoms, their depressive episodes. When a student who did poorly in her classes performed well in mine, she was suspicious.

It’s morally repugnant to me that any educator would be so hostile to the people they are supposed to serve. It’s especially infuriating, that the person enacting this terror was a psychologist. The injustice and ignorance of it leaves me teary every time I discuss it. It’s a common attitude in many educational circles, but no student deserves to encounter it.

…

I know, of course, that educators are not taught to reflect on what their students’ unseen barriers are. Some universities pride themselves on refusing to accommodate disabled or mentally ill students — they mistake cruelty for intellectual rigor. And, since most professors are people who succeeded academically with ease, they have trouble taking the perspective of someone with executive functioning struggles, sensory overloads, depression, self-harm histories, addictions, or eating disorders. I can see the external factors that lead to these problems. Just as I know that “lazy” behavior is not an active choice, I know that judgmental, elitist attitudes are typically borne of out situational ignorance.

And that’s why I’m writing this piece. I’m hoping to awaken my fellow educators — of all levels — to the fact that if a student is struggling, they probably aren’t choosing to. They probably want to do well. They probably are trying. More broadly, I want all people to take a curious and empathic approach to individuals whom they initially want to judge as “lazy” or irresponsible.

If a person can’t get out of bed, something is making them exhausted. If a student isn’t writing papers, there’s some aspect of the assignment that they can’t do without help. If an employee misses deadlines constantly, something is making organization and deadline-meeting difficult. Even if a person is actively choosing to self-sabotage, there’s a reason for it — some fear they’re working through, some need not being met, a lack of self-esteem being expressed.

People do not choose to fail or disappoint. No one wants to feel incapable, apathetic, or ineffective. If you look at a person’s action (or inaction) and see only laziness, you are missing key details. There is always an explanation. There are always barriers. Just because you can’t see them, or don’t view them as legitimate, doesn’t mean they’re not there. Look harder.

Maybe you weren’t always able to look at human behavior this way. That’s okay. Now you are. Give it a try.

1 note · View note

salina4321 · 6 years ago

Text

Laziness Does Not Exist – Devon Price – Medium

I don’t think laziness was ever at fault.

Ever.

In fact, I don’t believe that laziness exists.

…

I’m a social psychologist, so I’m interested primarily in the situational and contextual factors that drive human behavior. When you’re seeking to predict or explain a person’s actions, looking at the social norms, and the person’s context is usually a pretty safe bet. Situational constraints typically predict behavior far better than personality, intelligence, or other individual-level traits.

There are always barriers. Recognizing those barriers— and viewing them as legitimate — is often the first step to breaking “lazy” behavior patterns.

…

It’s really helpful to respond to a person’s ineffective behavior with curiosity rather than judgment. I learned this from a friend of mine, the writer and activist Kimberly Longhofer (who publishes under Mik Everett). Kim is passionate about the acceptance and accommodation of disabled people and homeless people. Their writing about both subjects is some of the most illuminating, bias-busting work I’ve ever encountered. Part of that is because Kim is brilliant, but it’s also because, at various points in their life, Kim has been both disabled and homeless.

In that chronically uncomfortable, over-stimulating context, needing a drink or some cigarettes makes fucking sense. As Kim explained to me if you’re laying out in the freezing cold, drinking some alcohol may be the only way to warm up and get to sleep. If you’re under-nourished, a few clouds of smoke may be the only thing that kills the hunger pangs. And if you’re dealing with all this while also fighting an addiction, then yes, sometimes you just need to score whatever will make the withdrawal symptoms go away, so you can survive.

Kim’s incredible book about their experiences being homeless while running a bookstore.

But they’re already doing the best they can. I’ve known homeless people who worked full-time jobs, and who devoted themselves to the care of other people in their communities. A lot of homeless people have to navigate bureaucracies constantly, interfacing with social workers, caseworkers, police officers, shelter staff, Medicaid staff, and a slew of charities both well-meaning and condescending. It’s a lot of fucking work to be homeless. And when a homeless or poor person runs out of steam and makes a “bad decision”, there’s a damn good reason for it.

…

Let’s look at a sign of academic “laziness” that I believe is anything but procrastination.

People love to blame procrastinators for their behavior. Putting off work sure looks lazy, to an untrained eye. Even the people who are actively doing the procrastinating can mistake their behavior for laziness. You’re supposed to be doing something, and you’re not doing it — that’s a moral failure, right? That means you’re weak-willed, unmotivated, and lazy, doesn’t it?

When you’re paralyzed with fear of failure, or you don’t even know how to begin a massive, complicated undertaking, it’s damn hard to get shit done. It has nothing to do with desire, motivation, or moral upstandingness. Procrastinators can themselves to work for hours; they can sit in front of a blank word document, doing nothing else, and torture themselves; they can pile on the guilt again and again — none of it makes initiating the task any easier. In fact, their desire to get the damn thing done may worsen their stress and make starting the task harder.

Needing or benefiting from such things doesn’t make a person lazy. It just means they have needs. The more we embrace that, the more we can help people thrive.

…

I had a student who was skipping class. Sometimes I’d see her lingering near the building, right before class was about to start, looking tired. The class would start, and she wouldn’t show up. When she was present in class, she was a bit withdrawn; she sat in the back of the room, eyes down, energy low. She contributed during small group work but never talked during larger class discussions.

But my class had a unit on mental health stigma. It’s a passion of mine because I’m a neuroatypical psychologist. I know how unfair my field is to people like me. The class & I talked about the unfair judgments people levy against those with mental illness; how depression is interpreted as laziness, how mood swings are framed as manipulative, how people with “severe” mental illnesses are assumed incompetent or dangerous.

…

Over the years, at that same school, I encountered countless other students who were under-estimated because the barriers in their lives were not seen as legitimate. There was the young man with OCD who always came to class late because his compulsions sometimes left him stuck in place for a few moments. There was the survivor of an abusive relationship, who was processing her trauma in therapy appointments right before my class each week. There was the young woman who had been assaulted by a peer — and who had to continue attending classes with that peer, while the school was investigating the case.

These students all came to me willingly and shared what was bothering them. Because I discussed mental illness, trauma, and stigma in my class, they knew I would be understanding. And with some accommodations, they blossomed academically. They gained confidence, made attempts at assignments that intimidated them, raised their grades, started considering graduate school and internships. I always found myself admiring them. When I was a college student, I was nowhere near as self-aware. I hadn’t even begun my lifelong project of learning to ask for help.

…

It’s morally repugnant to me that any educator would be so hostile to the people they are supposed to serve. It’s especially infuriating, that the person enacting this terror was a psychologist. The injustice and ignorance of it leave me teary every time I discuss it. It’s a common attitude in many educational circles, but no student deserves to encounter it.

…

Maybe you weren’t always able to look at human behavior this way. That’s okay. Now you are. Give it a try.

Get over that wall!

…

If you found this essay illuminating at all, please consider buying Kim Longhofer / Mik Everett’s book, Self-Published Kindling: Memoirs of a Homeless Bookstore Owner. The ebook is $3; the paperback is $15.

0 notes