#But like … today I realized I have atrociously shit peripheral vision because he asked why I crane my neck to look around

[inga-don-studio]

Much as I generally don’t like having my idiosyncrasies pointed out by people who don’t really know me, I have one coworker at this new job who has been doing just that and uh … kinda learning some new things about myself.

[matsuokas-ponytail]

Chicken Scratch Ch. 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

Read on Ao3

Haru was awoken by the voice of one of his employees – he thought it might have been Rin at first, then got incredibly disappointed when not only did he realize it was a female’s voice, but it was also his day off – and his eyes opened slowly.

“What are you waking me up for?” he called. His voice felt thick and heavy and his head was pounding.

The scent of coffee quickly began to invade his room, and he inhaled deeply. He’d had a long night, and he wasn’t happy that he was being woken up for any reason other than a fire, and since he didn’t smell smoke, he wanted to be sleeping.

“You have company, sir,” she called through the door.

“Company?” Haru repeated. “Business?”

“Casual,” she replied. “I’ll tell her you will be down in a bit.”

“Please, do,” he said. “Thank you.”

Shit.

He hated company, and he hated being woken up. The only thing worse than being woken up at all was being woken up for company – more specifically, unscheduled company.

He brushed his teeth furiously, simultaneously slipping into a pair of black slacks and a light blue dress shirt he may or may not have worn a few days ago (it was slung over his desk chair, which meant it was probably clean), and put on his shoes as he was going down the stairs. The irregular taps of one of his heels were the only sound in the house, save the hum of the air conditioner.

When he reached the bottom, he put his other shoe on, then smoothed his hair quickly before taking a step toward the parlor.

He froze when he saw who was waiting for him, instantly regretting rushing. He should have kept her waiting longer.

Nanako crossed her legs and leaned back as he came into view, a soft lock of golden hair falling from her ponytail and brushing against her left cheekbone. Her eyes never left the glass in her hand, an opaque impression of her lips smudging the crystalline rim.

“Isn’t a bit early to be drinking?” Haru asked, slipping his hands into his pockets and leaning against the archway.

“It’s never too early to drink. That’s one thing I learned over in England,” she smiled, taking another sip of the glistening pink Moscato. “I heard you had your own little alcohol episode yesterday, too. You look like hell.”

“Why are you here?” he asked, resisting the urge to step forward. The tip of his shoe was undoubtedly making scuff marks on the tile as he tapped it, and he felt his senses tingling with the urge to either leave the room or enter it – he wasn’t sure which. He felt strange standing in the archway, Nanako refusing to meet his gaze, but was certain that if he got any closer, the overwhelming urge to bury her alive next to the atrocious flowers Rin picked out would return.

She didn’t answer right away, but her smile faded as she downed the rest of the wine.

“You know, this Moscato is far better than the shit you had at the party,” she said, gently setting the glass on the coffee table before tucking the fallen lock of hair behind her ear.

“Why are you here?” he repeated, his hands clenching in his pockets.

“That’s no way to talk to a woman, let alone your fiancée,” she replied coldly, her arms fluidly crossing over her chest.

Haru didn’t ask again, knowing she’d reply sooner or later.

His eardrums were ringing in the silence, and his mind was still fuzzy from just waking up. Every nerve ending in his body was tingling with the memory of their last meeting, her words repeating in his head faster and faster every time he thought back.

She knew about his feelings for Rin, and although he didn’t particularly care that she knew, he did care that it was a possibility she would spread it like a wildfire. He was nearly certain his father knew as well, reflecting on the poolside conversation they had had, but his mother was a different story.

“Come over here. Sit down. You look like you need a drink.”

“It’s too early,” he bit.

She nodded once, her eyes scanning the abstract mural on the wall.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to get involved with Rin,” she said, her gaze finally meeting his as her hands came to rest in her lap. Her expression was calm, and her eyes were just as cool as her tone suggested.

His body froze momentarily, his lungs forgetting how to breathe, his heart forgetting how to beat.

He knew this was coming, but it terrified him as the words came from her mouth.

After a few seconds, he recovered, taking a few steps into the room, sinking down onto the loveseat across from her before she continued.

“I think you –”

“I think you have no say in anything I do,” he bit. “That business is none of yours. What happens in my life stays in my life, and is not a part of yours.”

“Don’t be so ignorant, Haru. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but you know just as well as I do that that is a bullshit lie,” she said, her voice firm. “I’m trying to protect you from each other.”

Had he not been anxious and annoyed past the point of comprehension, he might have respected her ability to be able to maintain such an unwavering tone.

“Don’t you know who you are?”

“Shut the hell up,” he snapped. She cut him off before he could continue.

“No, Haru, you shut up. Look at yourself. Then look at him. He is normal. He’s real. He has a story and a past and a childhood. You? I’ve seen more personality in a baguette. You know exactly how it would end, anyway. You and I are endgame, no matter how bitter you want to be about it. You want to get involved in an inevitably condemned relationship? Fine. I don’t think you’ll do it, anyway. You may be naïve and stubborn beyond compare, but you aren’t stupid.”

Silence enveloped the room once more, and Haru’s mind went completely blank. She was right. The sinking feeling of doubt he’d had a few nights ago returned as she sat in the black leather armchair across from him. What did Haru have to offer Rin except money that he didn’t earn, property that wasn’t his, and a name he was born into? Rin was so full of life, and Haru was completely devoid of it. He would only drain Rin, and for what? She was right about all of it, including the fact that it was truly a condemned relationship. It wouldn’t work.

He knew that, too. He knew that it was one of the things holding him back all this time. It shouldn’t have come as a shock to him – and maybe it was less shock and more resentment at the inevitable.

“I know you don’t want to hear it from me, but I don’t know anyone else who has the right to say this: I want you to be happy with someone, but I also don’t think you should go into a relationship knowing how this thing between us will end up. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to him.”

“Stop, please,” he said, his voice much quieter than he’d wanted it.

“I know you like him. He makes you feel alive, right? Like something inside of you is on fire, and you feel like you take the world by storm? Even sitting in the same vicinity as him sets you on the edge of your seat because being with him is exciting.”

Haru couldn’t tear his eyes away from her, the soft words she spoke like needles in his chest as she continued. He felt like a deer in headlights, his eyes wide and his body frozen in place. He didn’t feel real, his mind a thousand miles away, reeling and reflecting on the past few months with Rin. Her voice hypnotized him as he felt his lips tingle with the memory of finally kissing him.

“He’s special. He’s different. He’s the only one that’s ever taken the time to integrate himself into your life. He knows things about you because he took the time to notice them, and he points them out, doesn’t he?” She paused. “I know; but I also know that he’s the only one you’ve ever taken the time to properly know. You don’t even know Makoto much anymore, do you?”

He felt himself shrug. His entire being had gone numb.

“If you let other people in, maybe you’ll see that he isn’t as special as you make him out to be.” She paused. “Nothing about your life is normal. He is. Let him have that. You’ve seen what it does to you – to me. Hell, even Makoto is a little fucked up because of it.”

His gaze was fixed on her, but his attention was somewhere else; on irises of ruby and garnet, on warm, calloused hands that fit with his curiously well, on heavy breaths and soft lips and desperate grasps and gentle touches, on moonlit talks and seashore conversations.

On Rin.

Nanako sighed quietly, uncrossed her legs, and stood. Haru’s eyes remained plastered to the wall behind her.

He almost missed her parting words as she tucked the fallen strand behind her ear again in his peripheral vision.

“God, I wish I hated you,” she whispered, and he could tell that she was looking down at him with pity in her eyes, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell her to stop or to leave or anything else.

She simply left, and when she was gone, it was impossible to believe that much had changed. The clock above the archway was still ticking and the air conditioner was still humming. The lingering smell of coffee filled the house; nothing was different than it was 15 minutes ago

Rin clenched his jaw as he heard Haru’s voice bellow through the house once more.

“Where the fuck are my fucking employees?” he barked. He’d been in a foul mood all morning and the amount of times he’d dropped the f-word would make a sailor look like a saint.

Makoto was supposed to be coming over as soon as he could – on Rin’s request – to try and figure out what the fuck was going on. Haru had apparently been drinking early in the day yesterday and god knows how much more after getting back home, but he definitely didn’t handle hangovers well.

The maid and a few various employees entered the room – some looking annoyed, but a few more timid than anything – and Makoto sighed.

“Today isn’t even a busy day,” he said to Rin. “He only has a phone conference with a group from Britain.”

“Who cares how stressed he is? It doesn’t give him a reason to be like this,” Rin replied.

“I know,” Makoto said, his voice dropping even lower. “I think it’s my fault, though.”

“What do you mean?” he asked. His eyes narrowed as he took in Makoto’s expression, his face twisted into one of guilt and regret.

“I told Nanako she should come over and talk to him a little.”

“About what, exactly?”

He froze before smiling.

“Nothing in particular. They just don’t get along very well is all.”

Rin tried not to shoot daggers in his direction, but it was hard when Makoto was only giving him the bare minimum of the information he was asking for.

He hated seeing Haru like this and was looking for any way to calm him down without personal injuries.

“You,” Haru hissed. Rin whipped his head in the direction of the voice and saw him pointing at Makoto. “I don’t want you here. Rin, I can’t look at you right now; I have shit to do. I don’t care where you go, but you cannot be here.”

Rin’s irritation began to eat at him more than it had been and he took a few steps toward Haru.

“What the fuck is wrong with you today?” he bit. So much for attempting to calm him down.

“I’m warning you, Rin.”

The room went quiet as Haru’s voice dropped, speaking as if he and Rin were the only ones present.

“What are you gonna do, huh? Fire me?”

“I could. Do not forget I am your boss.”

“Then do it, asshole!” Rin yelled. “Fucking do it. I dare you.”

“Get out!” Haru yelled back. “Get out of my house, Rin!”

Rin closed the distance between him and grabbed the collar of his shirt, pulling him close to his face. Haru didn’t fight him, but the look of disgust and anger remained.

“Speak to me like that again, and I will not hesitate to –”

“To what?” Haru whispered. “To quit?”

Rin didn’t respond. He pushed Haru away and turned around, heading toward the back door. He was seething, but the underlying feeling of concern he had for Haru wouldn’t go away. He didn’t know what to do, and seeing him like that scared him; not that he was necessarily scared of Haru or what he would do – he knew Haru would never hurt him even in that state – but scared for him. He never knew what was going on with him because he could never get Haru to open up about anything. No matter what he did or what he said, he’d never figure him out.

And it scared him.

He sat in the backyard for some time, occasionally weeding or watering the plants, but mainly trying to narrow out possibilities of what could have gone wrong with the information he had.

He was drinking yesterday after Rin had left, which led him to believe that Haru started drinking out of guilt or something. He’d apparently gone to Makoto’s afterward, which didn’t make it any better and probably just made it worse, seeing as how he’d interrupted Sousuke’s and Makoto’s day. Makoto didn’t mention anything else about that, which led up to this morning, when Nanako dropped in. Rin knew they hated each other, but Haru never seemed to let anything she said get to him, so why now? Why this time, and about what?

Maybe he was thinking too much about it. Maybe something had happened with his family or a friend – or maybe things were getting to be too much for him.

He began to feel bad that Haru felt alone in things like these, especially now that Makoto had essentially turned on him – or at least had in Haru’s mind – and all Rin wanted was to make sure Haru knew that he didn’t plan on leaving him in this state.

He pushed himself off the ground and dusted off his hands on his shorts before letting himself back inside. He couldn’t hear Haru anymore, nor did he see any of the other employees as he wandered through the house and up the stairs.

Knocking on Haru’s bedroom door was useless; he wasn’t in there, and even if he was, he wouldn’t respond in his current state.

He pushed the door open and threw himself on the sheets. They smelled like Haru and Rin couldn’t help but feel his irritation simmer. He laid there for a while, thinking about what he could say to Haru before realizing there wasn’t anything he could plan. He tended to stop thinking around him. Everything just came naturally.

Haru pushed the door open as Rin began to drift off. Sitting up, his eyes met with angry, blue irises on a blank expression. The white button-up Haru wore was still wrinkled at the collar from an hour ago, and Rin winced as he realized how run-down Haru must be feeling. He was susceptible to far stronger emotions, and he felt them so much more than he let on.

“What are you doing here?” he asked quietly.

“I’m sorry,” Rin said. He didn’t know what else to say. He wasn’t sure if anything he wanted to say would even come out.

“Leave.”

“No. Not until you’re okay.” His words were soft, but the tone was hard, and he stood up as Haru came closer.

“Rin, I told you to leave.”

“As my boss or as my friend?”

“What?” Haru asked, seemingly confused by the question.

“Are you asking me to leave as my boss or as my friend?” he repeated.

“I’m not your friend.”

“But I’m more than your employee, and you know that,” Rin said, struggling to keep his voice calm.

“No, you’re not. You can’t be.”

“So, I guess you go around kissing all your employees, letting them sleep in your bed?”

“What if I did?” Haru bit, stepping forward as Rin stepped back.

“I know you better than that,” Rin said, immediately regretting it as Haru’s expression twisted into anger once again.

“You don’t know shit about me!” he shouted, his hands thrown out to the side before he clenched them at his sides.

“Then let me!” Rin yelled back. “I want to, Haru. God damn, why is it so hard for you to let me in? Tell me what I’m doing wrong.”

“You’re not doing anything wrong. Just fucking stop,” he bit.

“Stop what, Haru? Huh? Stop fucking caring about you?” Rin asked, his voice getting louder with each syllable.

“Stop fucking with me!” Haru screamed, shoving him back into the dresser behind him. “Stop fucking with me!”

His eyes narrowed, and the only sounds in the room were heavy breaths and pounding hearts.

“Fuck,” Haru hissed, closing the distance immediately and smashing his lips against Rin’s, his fingers instantly gripping the red locks, pulling him closer.

Rin dug his fingers hungrily into Haru’s sides, under his shirt and dragging his fingernails down his burning skin.

He growled under his breath as Rin’s hands ran up his chest, lifting his shirt with the movement before he broke away from Rin just long enough to peel the shirt off and throw it to the corner of the room. Haru pinned him to the dresser with his thigh between Rin’s legs, and a low moan escaped Rin’s lips, swallowed immediately by Haru.

He couldn’t think straight; Haru’s hands were all over him, pulling him closer, and his teeth trailed along his neck, and before he could stop him, Haru stripped him of his shirt, tossing it by his own.

Rin loved it, got lost in it, and let Haru dominate him completely. His whole body was burning, feeling bites and harsh kisses from his collarbone to his waistband until he let his eyes open and saw Haru on his knees in front of him.

“Shit, no, Haru. Wait,” he said, breathing heavily. He untangled his fingers from the black locks and rubbed his forehead.

He looked up at him with narrowed eyes.

“What?” he hissed, ripping his hands away and standing up.

“I don’t want our first time to be like this; angry and impulsive and…I don’t know.”

There was a pause in the room as both their breaths evened out.

“I’m sorry,” Haru replied. “You’re right.”

“Can you please talk to me? As a friend?”

“I can’t let you say that,” he mumbled. “I can’t let you be my friend.”

“Why not?” Rin asked, feeling more frustrated than irritated at this point. He didn’t understand, and though there were countless more important things than friendships in Haru’s life, Rin couldn’t help but feel that whatever was going on between them was significantly important to Haru.

He shrugged.

“Okay,” Rin sighed. “Then let’s talk about something else.”

“I think you should leave,” Haru whispered.

“You said that yesterday, too,” Rin replied just as quietly, “And where did that get us?”

“Do you think everything is about you?”

“I have a pretty good idea it started with me and went downhill from there.”

Haru didn’t reply. Rin assumed he didn’t have one.

“Even if it isn’t about me, I’m still not going to leave you like this unless you can look me in the eyes and genuinely tell me that you do not want me here,” he said softly.

They hadn’t moved from where they stood and the tension between them was still just as thick.

“I don’t want you to see up close what I deal with and who the big-name families are behind the front page.”

“I couldn’t care less about the front page Nanases. You of all people should know that I will never stop trying to figure out more than just the front page,” Rin said, his tone hard and the words strong and reassuring. “I want you to know that I care about you and I will never hold your name against you.”

The conversation seemed to barely lift the tension, but Haru finally looked up and met Rin’s eyes.

“It doesn’t bother you right now that I don’t get any privacy, but you will once that attention is aimed at you. I don’t want you to be exposed to something like that if you don’t have to be,” Haru said evenly.

“If it means I get to be in your life, then I’d deal with it,” Rin said. “Not to sound sappy, but I think you’re worth a little bit more than minor inconveniences.”

Haru froze for a second before turning around and walking toward his bed, stepping out of his pants and climbing into bed.

“Haru?” Rin asked. His eyes narrowed as he watched him get comfortable under the blankets.

“Rin.”

“Yes?”

“Will you come lay with me?” he mumbled, so quietly that Rin had to strain to hear him.              

“Are you going to try and suck my dick again?”

“Not tonight,” he said flatly. “Just for a little while. Please.”

“What about your conference?”

“Done.”

“Already?” Rin asked.

“I told them I’d have to reschedule.”

“They let you?”

“I said my uncle died,” Haru said. “He did.”

“Oh, shit,” Rin sighed sharply. “I’m so –”

“13 years ago,” he said, cutting him off.

“Haru.”

He smiled softly and opened his arms. “Please.”

Rin grinned and decided that he liked this Haru. This Haru wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable around him. He could get used to that.

He stripped his shorts off and slipped under the blanket, hesitating for a second before Haru wrapped one arm over his waist and tucked the other underneath the pillow as his head rested in the crook of Rin’s shoulder.

He smiled and pressed his lips to Haru’s forehead.

“Don’t think this changes anything,” he mumbled. “I’m still not going to let you in.”

“I know, Haru,” he said quietly. He had a feeling that was lie, but said nothing more. He didn’t have to. The tightening of Haru’s grasp was enough for him.