#But learning it means I’ll probably be a lot more stable and healthier in my next relationship which I’m happy for

[octahyde]

Regardless of what it is you really shouldn’t use romance to be in any way comparable to an irl romantic relationship unless you are extremely fucking boring and only like ships that actively resemble healthy irl romantic relationships.

(It’s me. I am extremely fucking boring. Treyrid are a couple that have been married in a stable relationship for 30 years despite being under 20. That’s why they’re my canon x canon twst otp.)

[purplesurveys]

1262

o1. With which one of your friends do you spend the most time? With which friend do you spend the least amount of time? Would you like to change this in any way? I don’t really get to...spend time with my friends, in that sense. For very obvious reasons. But I talk to Angela and Reena the most. Andi and I talk a lot too, but not everyday. 

Among my friends, I probably talk to my college group the least these days, but that’s mostly because 2/3 of them are pursuing law school, and the 1/3 have jobs and are as busy as I am. We’re still as tight as ever and our group chat becomes active at least once a week.

o2. What four states in the USA would you most like to visit? Which four countries would you most like to visit? States: Illinois, Louisiana, New York, Utah. Countries: Malta, Switzerland, Thailand, South Korea.

o3. If you have one, how often do you watch your favorite television show? How long has this show been your favorite? I’m not a big TV person, tbh. The closest thing to my favorite would be Friends, which I rewatch at least one episode of once a month though I used to watch it FAR more often than that, hahaha. I think I first hooked to it...I wanna say 2018?Or 2019. Sometime in between those years. o4. Would it bother you if your boyfriend hugged other females (think hypothetically if you don’t have one)? Why or why not? No. He’s allowed to have girl friends. The only reason it bothered me when it was Gabie was because we were both aware that her guy friends were genuinely into her. I never channeled my annoyance towards her though; I was definitely more pissed off at those guys for not learning how to back off when needed.

o5. If you had snow-days as a kid, how did you spend them? Do you like the snow, in general? We don’t have snow, but our equivalent would be days off school because of a typhoon. Anyway, I just spent them lounging around and mostly watching stuff on YouTube. In college I was a bit more diligent and would use the extra time to catch up on readings.

o6. Do you know anyone who does hard drugs? Would you ever befriend someone that did? Not that I am aware of. I probably wouldn’t befriend someone who did if we weren’t already close, because there’s no telling what kind of influence they would be on me.

o7. When was the last time that you were afraid for your life? Did this incident change you in any way? When I was really sick back in May. Not really, I just wanted to recover as quickly as possible.

o8. Do you enjoy taking pictures? Is it just for fun, or do you make an attempt at actual photography? I didn’t then, but it’s something I’m trying to do more often now. I’ve realized I have very few souvenirs from the last few years because I barely took photos then, so it sucks not being able to revisit memories and ending up forgetting others completely. I definitely don’t plan to take it so far as taking photography lessons; taking pictures from my own perspective and in my own style suffices.

o9. Have you ever had low self-esteem? How is your self-esteem now? Yeah, sure. I had a recent phase of it because of the breakup, but I’ve recovered from it. My self-esteem is a lot healthier and more stable these days.

o1o. When you see someone sickly-thin, what is your first thought? Nothing for the most part, but I would obviously be concerned if that person was starting to show worrying signs of malnutrition. Idrk what you mean by sickly-thin.

o11. Do hospitals make you nervous? Why or why not? Do you have any bad hospital experiences? Not really, only because I’ve rarely had to go there.

o12. What did you dress up as the last time you went Trick-or-Treating? Who went with you? I went as Sofie, my old best friend from high school.

o13. What is one thing you miss most from your childhood? What do you miss the least? The part about having less responsibilities and more time to just have fun and do whatever I want. But I didn’t really have a picture-perfect childhood either, so my list of things I don’t miss for sure trumps the list of stuff I do miss.

o14. What would be the biggest challenge involved in raising a child at your age? How to send them to a good school because I don’t make nearly enough to afford tuition for another person.

o15. If you happened to get pregnant before you were ready for children, how would you cope? Do you think your parents would support you and help you out? I don’t know, honestly; and the thought kind of scares me. I know my parents wouldn’t provide support whatsoever, so I’d have to claw my way to find it from other people who would be willing. I’d probably need to take an extra job to earn enough money to support us both.

o16. Have you ever had unprotected sex? What would you tell a young teen thinking about having unprotected sex? Yeah, but I was also with a girl, so...idk. I don’t have a lot of sexual experience either so I dunno what sort of advice to tell a teen other than ‘don’t do it,’ lmao.

o17. What are some gender double-standards anger you? All of them. < Yes.

o18. Other than the usual qualities (honesty, respect, etc), what are some attributes you want your BF/GF to possess? Patience in the sense that I tend to be sensitive, so if they crack a joke that I ended up getting hurt or offended by, or if I get triggered by something minor that would otherwise be normal for anyone else, I hope they are patient enough to ride the wave out with me. I didn’t experience that with my past partner, and was often told to just stop being sensitive.

o19. Do you still talk to the first person you ever dated? If not, would you want to? Why or why not? No, because doing so is detrimental to my well-being.

o2o. Five years ago, what was the most important thing in your life? How about the most important person? My relationship, barf. Gabie, another barf.

21. How would you describe your sexuality? Have you ever wondered whether or not you might be homo/bisexual? I’ve stopped caring about it. I say asexual to people just so I have an answer to say.

o22. Do you think that homosexual couples should be able to raise or adopt children? Why or why not? Yeah...because I don’t see why they can’t be granted that right?

o23. Think of your worst fear. What would you do if you were confronted with it right now? Hyperventilate.

o24. If you were to become a vegetarian, what meat-product would you miss the most? Have you ever been or wanted to be a vegetarian? Chicken wings or sandwiches. I’ve thought about it before, yes. It’s too expensive a lifestyle where I live, though.

o25. Do you think that someone’s sexuality is something that they can control? No.

o26. What do you like most about your favorite animal? They’re very friendly and always down to play. :)

o27. What is your favorite way to eat your favorite food? How often do you eat your favorite food item? Eating burgers by hand is always the best. I have one maybe once a month.

o28. What is something you are craving? Will this craving be satisfied? KFC’S DOUBLE DOWN. I’ll get one next week, when I get my next pay lol. The rest of my budget this week is already allotted for my mom’s birthday/JK’s belated birthday dinner tomorrow.

o29. What is the largest number of texts you have sent in a day? Do you often text this much? Ooooh, I dunno. Maybe around 200-300 in a day? My ex and I primarily communicated through text whenever we weren’t physically together, which was often as we were both students in different schools.

o3o. Do you like the holiday season? Why or why not? What could be better about it? Some parts of it I like, some parts of it I don’t. The latter mostly stems from insecurities I will feel from seeing other families on social media, who always seem to be having a better and fancier time than I am. It’s why I usually deactivate during Christmas so I don’t get to see posts that can affect my disposition.

[moonlightstars16]

Unexpected Trip Plus A Gift

30 Days Connverse Challenge (***Special Chadverse Appearance***)

Day 6 ~ Shopping(For Needs)

This is going to be a crack one-shot that might not make sense...but it's chadverse so... *cue Gollum voice* it's my crack-shot freebie! MINE! Muahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Also if your wanting to look into the lore of my own version of Chadverse, check out the Chadverse book on my Wattpad and AO3.

"Um....Steven why is the fridge completely empty?" Connie stood there confused and dumbfounded from the sight before her. By empty she meant even the door and drawers were empty. So was the freezer which was usually full of ice cream and other frozen delicacies. All she wanted to do was make a simple sandwich, for her and her jam bud as a surprise when she got there.

"I can explain..." Closing the door with a slam, Connie turned around to face her Bf's two halves. One standing calmly, though his eyes revealed an uneasy feeling inside. The other, hand behind the head, scratching whilst looking down at the floor. Sighing she leaned her back against the fridge and rubbed her temples with her left hand. Not even bothering to look up at her two bozo's before saying anything.

"I just want to know one thing.... What happened?"

"We, Steven, needed to clean the fridge since Amethyst left her three month old pizza burrito to rot. So simply put he took it out, thankfully still wrapped up and without any mess and threw it out."

"Okay but where did the rest of your food go?"

"Well that's when 'night-light' here-!" Thorn paused and flinched, gulping at Connie's unamused and frowned expression before calmly continuing. "I mean after Steven went to bed, that's when the split happened. Though he initiated it this time." Directing his thumb towards Ember, who had crossed his arms in a sort of dislike fashion.

"The air was contaminated with the spoiled contents scent." Both Connie and Thorn blinked in confusion as she finally spoke up.

"Let me see if I got this straight. You went to clean the fridge because it smelled bad from whatever you threw out?" Ember nodded still retaining his composure. "But I thought breathing and air didn't affect you?"

"I can't heal it using my powers."

"It was that bad that you felt like you had to take care of it?" Connie looked with a more empathetic look at Ember. Her tone shifting from firm to something more gentle.

"The smell was pretty awful now that I think about it." Thorn spoke up rubbing his arm. "But it's not like it was out of the ordinary here."

"But it did bother you both. Ember just took action to try and take care of the problem. However all this doesn't answer my previous question."

"Right, well I came down a few minutes later all the food was in the garbage. The problem wasn't so awful, that it would've contaminated all the rest of the stuff!"

"I did what I had to do."

"Yeah real smart getting rid of Steven's nourishment and nutrients here. Wasting all that was necessary for survival! We still are part human here!"

"Enough!" They turned their gazes back on Connie. Who had her arms folded and eyes narrowed on them both. "Okay, here is what we all are going to do. We are going to go to the grocery store and get what is needed. No arguments, no complaints, nothing. And you both are in the wrong. I mean my gosh! Talk about you two acting like children."

"What?"

"You know what. Each of you are in the right and wrong here. Look, you both have to be considerate and take care of each other here." Walking forward, she took a hand in both of hers. Pressing a soft kiss on them both before continuing. "Steven did the right thing throwing it away. Ember if you wanted to make sure the fridge was clean then okay. Nothing wrong with that. But You don't have to fix everything. Not all problems rest on you.

Thorn has a point. Not everything was going to be spoiled. Most things are safely wrapped up or contained. Although you probably could've helped to remind him. You guys are a team. Yes I know you can't tell each other what to do all the time. This is just another example of a learning experience. However when you can help each other, it might be good to just try... without arguing." She added quickly before suddenly bursting out into giggles.

"What's so funny?"

"Oh man... It's just... of course you would do that! Even the freezer-...oh gosh... The freezer is empty too!" A roaring fit of laughter escaped from her lips as she leaned against both of their shoulders. Trying to balance and not fall over. The two boys looked at each other with a blush before beginning to laugh with her.

A huge glowing light brightened and consumed the room. Dimming a few moments later as only Steven remained. Holding her gently as they begin to calm down from their giggling fit.

"Yeah I overthought about things and I suppose went a little overboard... well my two halves really."

"Yeah but you learned an important lesson here right?"

"What's that?"

"Don't let Amethyst use your fridge."

"Oh way ahead of you." Steven added chuckling with Connie. Pulling out his phone before ordering a new one

About a half hour later they were in the main store, switching off between pushing the cart and grabbing things from the shelves.

"Are you seriously going to check every label?"

"You have no say in the matter. Perhaps it was a good thing Ember threw everything away."

"Oh come on it wasn't that bad!"

"You had literally nothing but fruit, nuts and junkfood! Seriously I thought you of all people as a claimed vegetarian would have oh I don't know, maybe veggies?!"

"Hey I stopped for a little while because of emotional issues to work out. Besides fruit is still healthy."

"But not enough to sustain you. Now I told you no complaining."

"I thought that was for-"

"That includes you too dummy." She set down a loaf of bread in the cart before leaning against him, pecking his cheek with her lips. "I love you no matter what. But I care about your health too."

"I know, I know." Steven sighed "I can't rely on my powers all the time. I'll try to be a bit more healthier again, for you." With a smile he kissed her lips briefly. "Let's finish things up here."

"I'll try to be fast and not look in depth at the labels."

"What luck!" He teased as she rolled her eyes. Suddenly a sharp pain appeared right below her stomach, making Connie bend over wincing. Eyes closed, one arm across herself while the other leaned on his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"Fudge... Ugh why now." Connie moaned taking a few deep breathes and grabbing her bag. "I'm okay Steven. I just need to use the facilities right now. Go ahead and pick up the rest on the list, I'll meet you at check up." Without another word spoken she ran towards the bathroom leaving a concerned yet confused Steven in the isle.

Then it hit him. His father told him a lot of things, preparing him for what to do or say in this situation. Pearl filled in all the technical details.  A few minutes later, Connie was back to the front of the store. Seeing Steven had already paid for everything. She had an aching feeling all over and had a water bottle in hand, downing all the cool liquid. A blush all over her face, but also didn't seem to care about it.

"Sorry it took me awhile, you got everything else okay?"

"No worries, how are you feeling?"

"Stable. But never mind that now. Let's go home."

Once everything was in the car, Steven reached in the back and handed her a bag. Connie looked at him with a narrowing expression, but took it anyways.

"What's this for?"

"I think you're going to need this."

Looking inside it's contents she gasped. A bottle of aspirin(the kind her mother approved of), lotion, her favorite movie, popcorn, an assortment of candy and loads of chocolate. Below all of that was a package of pads and small box of tampons. Upon seeing that, she felt her blush grow more and more. Biting her lip as she smiled looking up at him.

"Thank you... but you really didn't have too."

"Connie I want you to be comfortable at least. I know I could've healed it all away. But I know how you feel about wanting to build up your immune system and have my powers for emergencies only when I'm around and willing. Which is always. So this was the next best thing. I also got ice cream along with all the veggies and such from before." He placed a hand on her knee gently, looking at her with a smile and concerned yet loving gaze. She wiped away a few tears that fell while groaning.

"Man I hate when my tears come out like this." Immediately Steven pulled a packet of tissues from his jacket pocket and handed it to her with a smirk.

"My knight deserves the best."

When they arrived back home and everything was put away. Steven sat down with Connie's head in his lap. Blanket over her and a heating pad across her stomach. Watching there favorite movie as he stroked her hair and rubbed her back over and over as they spent the evening together.

[daely-trans-life]

Thoughts on gender and other matters (letter to a friend)

Dearest [Friend],

I finally got around to writing this email, god knows it's long overdue.

You've asked me to explain what lead me to the realisation that I might be transgender and well, that's a larger subject than what I can summarise in a text message (in fact this email might turn into a novel, in which case I'm very sorry), so here we go.

I can see how from an outside point of view it might come as a surprise, albeit for me this realisation is something that's been long in the making... Probably ever since I became aware of the concept of gender itself. 

To begin with, I need to explain a little bit about the culture I was raised in, because it ties into the delay significantly. It has to do with the societal expectations as much as the language... Hungarian has no gender markers for words and doesn't use gendered pronouns at all, which also means that in a way, the concept itself is way less defined and pronounced in the cultural context. That, coupled with the strict and rigid code of conduct regarding politeness and formality means that it's generally not discussed in society on any level, neither in family, between friends nor in public education.

It's a binary concept that's dependent on one's genetic makeup and primary sexual characteristics that is assigned at birth and never discussed further. It doesn't involve choice or exploration, and it's not viewed as a  spectrum the same way as it is customary in Western countries. But at the same time, traditional gender roles are built into society on every level, and while it's never mentioned, it's enforced and engraved in people way stronger than it is in for example Denmark.

So while as a teen/young adult, I could feel I didn't fit into the box of "girl" or "woman" the way others around me did, I had no vocabulary to describe my experience, and I definitely didn't have a platform for exploring it. On the few occasions when I mentioned it to some friends that I kind of view myself as both a man and a woman or maybe neither, the general answer was something to the effect of "well no shit?! are we meant to be surprised by this?", which was both baffling and very validating at the same time.

And then I moved out of the country and a whole new world of concepts and options and spectra opened up to me, where I also had the opportunity to learn more about my identity when it came to gender and sexuality. I quickly discovered that me not being straight was definitely a thing, and I learnt about labels that finally fit my experience and I found a community that welcomed me and that had people similar to myself in it. And that was all great, but it also taught me that gender was a Thing, and not only that, but it also had way more to it than just binary man and woman. 

And I went down that rabbit hole hard. I started identifying as non-binary, tried on a lot of labels and pronouns, some really out there ones too, mostly privately, while trying to find the one that felt right. And of course in the meantime I've met and learnt about trans people, and it kind of hit me how that specific experience resonated with me. But of course, I couldn't just BE a guy... Could I?

Well, no, of course not! Because I had parents that raised me as their daughter, I had a husband who married me to be his wife, and I had always been presented and perceived as a woman... It's not like I could just uproot my entire identity and claim a new one just because it would make me happy... I had others to think of and consequences to dread, and in general, I was too fucked up anyway to really be concerned with something like what noise people make to address me or what concept do they identify me with. So I buried the question deep, never touching it, because as long as I wasn't looking, it didn't hurt and I didn't get confused. And this worked for a while, until it obviously didn't.

And then years had passed and a few things happened. For one, I met my other partner, who also identifies as non-binary and who is way more into the queer aspects of life than my husband. And with Them, I got to talk about the things that have always bothered me and that I previously was unable to talk about. They taught me the language to express myself, not only with words but also with presentation. And while confined in the safety of our shared home, I've stepped onto the Rocky Road of Recovery, that involved a lot of mental healthcare, therapy, exploration and coming to terms with my identity in more than one way.

In a way, unraveling the tangle of issues I've been carrying around helped a lot too. I've been living with the vague sense of "there is something wrong with me" for so long that it just became the everyday reality of my life, and I kind of accepted that all the things I now know are symptoms of certain conditions, were just how life was supposed to be, that the world was supposed to be this hostile, low-key but always uncomfortable place with occasional bursts of horrible pain. And through all that, I still held myself to the expectations I was presented with by my upbringing, because throughout my life, whenever I tried to ask for help in any way, I was generally met with blame and dismissal, and I was taught that the only option was to bite my tongue and power through. So I bit down and did what I could and every time I broke down, I just dug my heels in and kept going until one day I couldn't go on anymore. 

And in a way, this was a blessing. Because finally, at the point where I completely gave up, I was presented with an abundance of care and actual help I've never received before. I went to psychiatry, I got my diagnoses, I got a social worker to help me, I got a therapist, and a damn good one for that, and I got the time to heal and figure myself out without having to worry about things like where I was going to live or what I was going to eat. And lo and behold, things started getting better. Of course, a year of therapy cannot undo 20 years of trauma and abuse, I didn't expect it to either, but it gave me tools to work with, ways to address and manage my symptoms and space to explore ways in which I could be happier, healthier and more stable than I've ever been before.

I'm on a good path, and in a good place now. I'm engaged to my partner, still happily married to my husband and we live in a loving, if a bit crooked family in a beautiful place at the countryside. For the first time I'm hopeful about the future and I feel like I have realistic expectations about my life and what I would be able to make of it. Of course there is still a lot of work to be done and a lot of ways I wish to improve, but these dreams had finally stopped being just that, and slowly morphed into goals, things I could actually achieve and I can see ways in which to do so. 

And so, now that happiness suddenly became a viable option, I started wondering about the questions of identity again, and well... I guess I just felt like my time has finally come. I'm almost thirty. Yeah, that's a bit late compared to many who had this figured out by their late teens, but hey, I'm young, I have most of my adult life ahead of me! And I finally have the space and the support network that gives me enough confidence to pursue my true identity and everything that comes with that. 

I'm taking it slowly though. It's scary as hell, and it's a huge step, and I still have a million questions and a million obstacles to overcome. But if my journey so far had taught me anything, that is that no decision is irreversible, there is no such thing as too late to change things, and that fear is never a good enough reason not to do what's right for you. I'm at square one right now, and I don't know if this is the path I'll stay on forever, but I feel like I owe myself to at least try. If I never committed to anything just because it might not last forever, I wouldn't be having the amazing life I have today, if I was even still alive. 

So that's where I stand. Sorry about the insanely long ramblings, now you know everything you never wished to know about my inner workings, but I don't quite know how to explain this in any other way than the extremely winded one. 

I miss you. I wish we could hang out and I could be, you know, not an absolute wreck for once :D I swear I'm a way funner person these days than I was when we used to hang out.

Lots of love,

Dae

P.s.: I guess this DID turn into a novel, sorry about that again! :$ xoxo

[5hfanfiction]

Love, Lauren (Camren)

Part Three: Believe

Believe /bɪˈliːv/ (verb) -Accept that (something) is true, especially without proof.

☾☀︎

See things for what they are, and not for what you want it to be.

A realist who is an unbeliever, would always find the ability and strength to disbelieve in something that seems so unbelievable.

Miraculous, even.

And if they’re confronted with with a miracle that’s so impossible to disprove, they would rather disbelieve their own eyes than admit the miraculous.

I’ve read a study recently, that states depressed people usually have a more accurate view of reality as compared to the optimists and believers. However, that accuracy isn’t worth shit because it’s depressing, and depressed people live shorter lives.

Or so they say.

Meanwhile, optimists and believers, are healthier and happier in their unreal worlds.

You’re probably wondering what I am trying to get at. And it’s simple, believing in something as silly as Aphrodite’s journal was not something I had planned to do.

It’s just something I couldn’t do.

Are you trying to tell me, that this journal could’ve made my life a lot better than it was?

I could’ve wrote anything I wanted; possibly within reason, and chances of it happening was rather high.

Are you trying to tell me that what I wished for, was actually going to come true?

Bullshit.

Or so I thought.

☾☀︎

“Lexa,” I gripped onto her hand, as she was being wheeled away on a stretcher. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. “C'mon stay with me. Please…don’t go.”

A nurse held me back from entering the ER, and I couldn’t help but break down in the stranger’s arms.

They said she was having an allergic reaction, but from what I knew, Lexa wasn’t allergic to anything. We were just sitting in a restaurant eating, drinking and having fun. Until she started gasping for air, and I was so confused, I didn’t know what to do.

The nurse guided me towards the waiting area and assured me that my best friend would be okay, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I’ve been let down so many times, that I couldn’t find the strength to believe her.

It brought me back to the time when my grandmother fell ill. She was old but she wasn’t sickly. One day when I was out with a friend, I got a rushed phone call from my mother, saying to come to the hospital. When I arrived, the looks on everyone’s faces only told me that the end was near, but I refused to believe that.

I prayed.

Something I never did, but I prayed for her healing. I had faith that she wasn’t going to leave this earth, and to be honest, I didn’t think she was going to die.

The next day she did.

I didn’t even get a chance to tell her that I loved her.

I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.

Death is such a strange thing, you know? Many of us fear it, and so much more yearn for it. Those who are in excruciating pain, be it physically, mentally or emotionally. But the second it happens to a loved one, we become filled with so many regrets.

Death.

It tells us to tell the ones who we hold dear to our hearts, that we love them.

I couldn’t see a life without her, and it’s the same with Lexa. She was my best friend. The person I told almost everything to. She was my soulmate. Platonically of course, but she was my everything.

I couldn’t lose her.

Life is a mess. Sometimes we lose and sometimes we gain, it’s all just a damn cycle of gaining and losing. People walk in and out of your life every single day, and there’s nothing you can do to make them stay.

We fall in love. Head over heels, madly and deeply in love with someone. And the same way we fall in love, it’s the way we get heartbroken.

We learn life lessons that we were way too young to learn, but that’s the thing about life, you can’t make it slow down. You can’t run from it.

Then, we lose people to death.

And I feel like that’s the worse possible pain so far. Imagine not being able to tell someone how much you love them. Never being able to kiss their lips, caress their cheeks, wrap your arms around them. Can you imagine that?

Imagine never being able to apologise for your mistakes.

Imagine being there and looking at their lifeless body in a box. The body growing colder and colder. And then it hits you. It’s happening before your eyes, as you’re watching them being lowered into the ground, that you’ll never hear their voice again, you’ll never get to see their smile; that damn smile that could end thousands of wars.

And you’re crying because you’ve realised that you missed it. You missed your one chance to tell them how you felt.

Imagine that you lost that one chance of turning things around, and now they’re gone out of your life forever.

Imagine.

I somehow managed to pull out my phone to dial Lexa’s mother. She wouldn’t have been able to come because she was back in Los Angeles, but I know she would’ve wanted to be informed about her eldest child’s health.

The woman answered the phone as I was about to hang up. “Lauren?” Her voice flowed through the speaker. She sounded a bit shocked as to why I was calling. “Is everything alright?”

I was at a lost for words. I didn’t know what to tell her to prevent her from worrying. “It’s Lexa…she’s in the hospital.”

I heard Indra; Lexa’s mother gasp in shock. “What? Is she okay? What happened?”

I told her what the paramedics told me, that it was an allergic reaction. Maybe it wasn’t serious, and maybe I called the ambulance in time, but I couldn’t help but expect the worst.

“Oh my god, oh my god,” Indra kept repeating. Her motherly instincts were probably kicking in, and though she most likely wouldn’t be able to afford a plane ticket, I’m sure she was thinking about trying to catch a flight to see her daughter. “Where is she right now?”

“I think the doctors are attending to her,” I said. “I’m in the waiting room. I’ll try to keep you posted. I’m sure it’s nothing serious, Mrs C. Lexa wouldn’t want you worrying about her.”

Indra reluctantly hung up the phone after I promised to keep updating her every twenty minutes; even if I hadn’t heard anything back as yet.

A short hour later, a woman exited the Emergency Room, I assumed she was a doctor as she had a stethoscope around her neck. She was extremely beautiful to say the least. She stopped to talk to the receptionist, and I decided to approach her to ask about Lexa.

“Hi, um excuse me,” I tapped the woman on the shoulder.

When she spun around, she flashed me a bright smile. “Hi there, how can I help you?”

“Do you know anything about Alexandria Comandeur? She um came in about an hour ago.”

The woman paused for a moment until the receptionist told her who the patient was.

“Ah right. She’s stable. It was just an allergic reaction. Luckily, she came here just in time, otherwise it could’ve been worse,” I nodded. I had to admit that I was extremely relieved. I breathed a huge sigh of relief once I heard the good news. “Would you like to see her? She’s sleeping right now, so all you can do is literally just look at her.”

I nodded. “Yes, I’ll love to.”

The woman directed me to my best friend’s hospital room. She was laying there, with a peaceful look on her face. Lexa hated hospitals, so I knew that the moment she opened her eyes, she would want to leave as soon as possible.

“How long would she be staying here?” I asked the doctor who was currently flipping through Lexa’s files.

“When she wakes up, we’ll monitor her for a few hours. So most likely, she’ll be discharged tomorrow.” The woman placed the chart down. I could see that there were bags underneath her eyes, maybe from working an extra shift. I admired doctors, they were literally saving lives and I couldn’t thank them enough for their service to humanity. “I’m Doctor Cabello, by the way.” She stuck her hand out to me with a smile on her face. “But you can call me Maggie.”

I stared at Maggie’s outstretched hand for a moment until I shook it. “I’m Lauren. This girl’s best friend.” I pointed to Lexa. “But um, thank you. I should probably head to class, and come back in a bit.”

Maggie nodded in understanding. “Right. You’re in college, I’m assuming?”

“Yeah. I’m a Literature major,” I told her as we were walking out of Lexa’s room. I threw her a glance over my shoulder, silently promising that I was going to be back soon. I hated hospitals, but I loved my best friend.

“Oh cool! I love literature! I feel like my favourite part of it was Greek mythology,” Maggie started talking animatedly about her likes and dislikes about literature. I was kind of weirded out by the whole situation, because this woman was a doctor, and most doctors are snobby and couldn’t give a shit to talk to you. “My parents actually named me Iris.”

“Oh? Isn’t that like Greek for messenger of the gods?” I asked.

“Yeah. I never truly understood why they would name me that though. "And my step sister’s middle name is Eliana. Which basically means…”

I cut her off. “God of the sun or daughter of the sun.”

Maggie turned and smiled at me. “You know your stuff, Lauren. I’m impressed. What university do you go to?”

“Columbia,” I said nonchalantly. I was waiting for her reaction of shock or her being completely impressed, which she was.

“Damn, girl. You’re out here kicking ass!” Maggie raised her hand, and I high fived her, with little to no zeal. She was too preppy for my liking.

I hadn’t noticed that she had walked me to the exit. “Uh, well, I should probably get going.” I pointed behind me.

The doctor nodded. “Enjoy your day, Lauren. Your friend would be in safe hands.” She smiled at me and waved me off. I must admit, Maggie was extremely nice.

I actually liked her, despite her being way too preppy.

***

After suffering through the day at my classes and collecting notes for Lexa as well; I knew just how much she hated missing class, so I had to get the missed notes for her. If it were up to her, Lexa would’ve been doing her assignments in her hospital bed.

I wasn’t aware if she had woken up, but I assumed that she did. Indra had called me at least five times since I left the hospital, whilst her sisters texted me asking how she was doing.

I grabbed two sandwiches for the both of us, because hospital food tasted like ass. It wasn’t surprising to me that when I entered Lexa’s room, Maggie was sat next to the bed, engrossed in conversation with my best friend.

The moment Lexa’s eyes met mine, the biggest smile found it’s way on her lips. “LAUR!” She practically screamed at me. I ran towards her and engulfed her in my arms.

“Oh god. I’m so glad you’re okay,” I murmured into her shoulder. “Please, don’t ever scare me like that again.”

Lexa laughed softly. “I promise I won’t. I’m so sorry for worrying you. I just didn’t know I was allergic to anything.”

“As I was telling, Alexandria, sometimes allergies can develop over time. So it wasn’t either of your fault,” Maggie said with a smile. “She woke up about two hours ago, so I decided to keep her company. Quite a chatterbox, this one.”

Lexa laughed. “Ah, but so are you, Maggie.” I offered my best friend a sandwich, and not to be rude but I offered the doctor as well, who thankfully declined because I was starving.

“Lexa here was telling me that you guys were in search of jobs,” Maggie said as she was scrolling through her phone. For the past few minutes that I was here, the woman didn’t seem busy. Shouldn’t doctors be running around checking up on their patients? “I’m part owner of a chain of hotels, if you guys are interested…?” She let the question hang in the air.

I kinked an eyebrow at Lexa who was busy stuffing her face. She shrugged. Lexa needed the money to take care of herself. She didn’t want to put her mother through that, especially since her younger sister; Octavia, was now starting her degree at the University of California, Los Angeles. It was definitely going to be quite difficult; financially for her mother.

“I mean, we are, but I can’t ask you to give us a job. I’m sure there’s other people who are on the waitlist or something.”

Maggie grabbed Lexa’s clipboard and began flipping through it, as she spoke to us. “I like you, Lauren. You both seem like great girls. The hotel would be lucky to have the both of you.” She looked up and smiled at me. “So what do you say? Or before you make up your mind, you guys should pop into the hotel this weekend, I’ll be down to give you the grand tour.”

Lexa didn’t wait for me to answer. “Yes!” She said excitedly.

***

The next thing I knew, we waiting in the lobby for Maggie to come and get us. She had given us her number and strangely, we had texted back and forth during the past few days. It’s not to say that Maggie had been interested in me, because she was dating a fellow doctor. His name was Don Benjamin - she was practically and open book.

I don’t think Maggie believed in secrets.

“Welcome to mi casa,” the doctor gestured to the lobby when she spotted us. “I’m sorry I took forever. My sister was having a dilemma with the chef’s special or whatever.”

Lexa stood and adjusted her jacket. She was feeling a lot better since her allergic reaction. “Your sister works here too?”

“Yeah. She’s actually the head chef,” Maggie grabbed the both of us and I guess we were headed on our tour. “You don’t really see her much. She’s always busy in the kitchen or trying to come up with something, but she’s really good at what she does.”

After giving us the grand tour of the hotel, Maggie brought us to the hotel’s restaurant so that we could’ve had lunch. She wanted to introduce us to her sister; Eliana as I knew her name to be, but as expected, she was too busy.

“So,” Maggie stirred her drink. “We actually have a few vacancies, but I feel like the best positions for both of y'all would be the valet and bartender. The money is pretty decent, so who wants what?”

Before I had the chance to respond, Lexa called dibs on valet and I was stuck with being the bartender. Not that I minded but, oh well. It was going to be my first job. I don’t think my mother would’ve approved but she would’ve been happy with me finally getting some work experience.

“Are you sure it’s okay?” I asked. I didn’t want to take advantage of her kindness. “I mean, we’re practically strangers, I don’t think I can accept your offer without feeling bad about it.”

Maggie laughed and took a sip of her drink. She leaned a bit closer to me. “Listen, Lauren, I don’t usually do this, nor do I like a lot of people,  but I see something in you,” she stared into my eyes, but I felt awkward and looked away. “…and in you too, Lex. So I’m more than happy to give the both of you a job. It’s not going to break me if I do it.”

“C'mon, Laur!” Lexa whined into my ear. “This is such a huge opportunity!” She turned to look at Maggie. “If we mess up, please don’t hesitate to fire us.”

The woman chuckled, shook her head and smiled. “Okay, you got yourself a deal.”

We were engrossed in conversation with Maggie for almost an hour. The more time I spent with her, I actually started liking her. She was incredibly sweet and terribly nice. She spoke highly of her family, especially her younger step sister. Eliana’s father had married Maggie’s mother when they were 16 and 17 respectively. Maggie had a strong bond with her step father, that he had asked her to change her name from Pèrez and carry his surname. Her father had died when she was only five years old, so Sebastian; her stepdad was the only father she ever knew.

Somewhere during our conversation, I had completely zoned out, but when I came to, I saw a woman all dressed in white staring at me from a distance off. Well, I wasn’t sure if she was in fact staring at me, because she had huge sunglasses on, obscuring most of her face. But she was looking in my direction, so I made assumptions.

I thought that she was rather brave to be wearing all white, because whenever I tried to do that, I would always spill something on me.

“Lauren?”

Maggie’s voice broke me out of my trance. From the moment I turned my head to look at her, then back at the woman in white, she was long gone.

In less than five seconds, she was nowhere in sight. Either, she was pretty quick on her feet, or I was imagining things. But that was a lot less weird than what I’ve been experiencing these past few weeks. So I thought that I should pay no mind to it.

☾☀︎

Little did I know, I was going to see her again, on more than one occasion. This random woman was going to play a huge role in my story, and in bringing Eliana and I together.

☾☀︎

“What are you staring at?” Maggie asked and turned around. “Did you see a cute guy…or girl. Whatever you’re into. I don’t judge anyway.”

Lexa laughed. “Girls. She hasn’t dated in forever. Too busy being hung up on her ex and with school.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not hung up on Elena!” I bit out at her. I know she was only messing around, but I’m just tired of people constantly saying that I still love someone who clearly didn’t love me back. “I’m sorry,” I muttered under my breath.

Maybe everyone was right, that I still loved her, but it wasn’t romantically anymore. She was always going to have a special place in my heart, because she was my first love. That’s it. Nothing more and nothing less.

Would I be looking for her in someone else?

No.

We didn’t work out for a reason, so I’m not going to spend the rest of my days scouring the earth for someone like Elena. At the time, she was my epitome of beauty, of perfection but I’m older now, and I needed someone else in my life.

There were times when I was so mad at myself. I prayed that she would’ve gotten the gist of how much breaking up had hurt me. I don’t do that anymore. I pray that she finds someone who could love her the way I couldn’t, someone who gives her what I couldn’t.

I wasn’t good enough for her, and she wasn’t for me.

We couldn’t have fought for something that was never meant to be in the first place.

I always thought that I was unbreakable, or at least, I thought my heart was. Though, my parents weren’t around as much, they treasured me and my heart.

You see, I always believed that I would never give my entire heart to anyone, that I would never give up that power, that I would never allow someone to control me like that.

I think that whoever I did choose to give my heart to, that one person would never break my heart.

I was wrong.

But, that’s the thing about life, you know? You make mistakes but you come back stronger and wiser, even though it hurts to breathe.

The saddest end to a relationship, I believe is where you have to break up with somebody when you’re still in love with them. It may sound heartbreaking but it is the truth and it happens all the time. Unfortunately, as powerful as love may be, it doesn’t always mean that you’re happy. You can continue to love someone even after they’ve hurt you; even more than once.

But you know, deep inside that it’s never going to be the same ever again.

Maggie nodded carefully. “Anyways…you guys can organise your schedules with Raven,” she beckoned a woman over. She was extremely gorgeous and it made me wonder if everyone who was associated with Maggie was just as gorgeous. I literally did not see someone at the hotel who made me want to gouge my eyes out.

Raven had given us her number. I didn’t miss Lexa’s reaction when she was talking to the woman. She was a manager or something, I wasn’t paying much attention. But I was surely going to tease my best friend about this profusely, but not right now.

It was only when Maggie had excused herself, I followed her with my eyes and saw her hug someone.

A woman.

I didn’t see her face as she had her back towards me, but she was a bit shorter than Maggie. Beautiful brown hair, and I may have allowed my eyes to drift and she definitely had an ass to die for.

I felt drawn to this woman for someone reason. I saw that Maggie was trying to drag her to Lexa and I, maybe trying to introduce us but the woman wouldn’t budge. I guess she was busy.

“To állo misó.” I heard a whisper in my ears. It sounded like Greek and it shocked the shit out of me.

“Did you hear that?” I asked Lexa who was stuffing her face with some free food that Maggie had gotten for us.

Free food was the best food, might I add.

“Hear what?” she asked after swallowing.

“Greek. Someone whispered out ‘the other half’?” I questioned. Lexa was staring at me as though I was completely crazy. “They said 'to állo misó,’ it was a woman’s voice.”

Lexa rested her hand on my forehead and I swatted it away. “Are you okay, Laur? No one said anything.”

Fuck.

What on earth was going on? I didn’t know much Greek but I know what I heard, and I knew what it meant.

I glanced away from Lexa back to Maggie, she was still talking animatedly to the woman.

“To állo misó.” I heard it again. The voice was soft, and it possessed a thick Greek accent. I spun around and guess what? There was no one behind me to whisper those words into my ear.

Soulmate.

To állo misó.

In terminology, 'soulmate’ simply meant 'split soul theory’. It was an Egyptian - Greek religio - mythology. As I had learnt before in my class, it was about one body, being split in two that possessed one original soul.

I feel like you’ll know this person is your soulmate because you’ll have an immediate connection with them, from the very first moment that you meet. A connection so strong that you’ll be drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. And as this connection develops over time, you’re going to experience a love so deep, so strong, so complex, that you’re going to doubt that you’ve never truly been in love with anyone else before.

Your soulmate is going to understand you, connect with you in every way and on every level.

They’re going to bring you a sense of peace, calmness and happiness whenever you’re around them.

That’s when you’ll know they’re you’re to állo misó.

I didn’t understand why I was hearing this. My other half? Who on earth was that?

Maggie?

I almost snorted at the thought. Don’t get me wrong, Maggie was extremely beautiful, and I may have found myself having a platonic crush on her, but that was just it. Nothing else.

I don’t know if I was ready to give myself to someone again. Sure, I would write about someone who was meant for me in Aphrodite’s journal, but I didn’t know how I was going to react if I had met her. If this journal was real, and I was going to meet the girl of my dreams, was I going to let her in?

Was she going to help me mend my broken heart?

That’s the thing, you can beg someone to heal you in all the ways you can’t heal yourself. But other people are not bandages. You are your own journey, and the pain belongs to you. You can’t have someone trying to heal you.

You have to do it on your own, no matter how hard it’s going to be. You got your heart broken; you allowed the person in, so in a sense, you’re in that position because of your dumb heart making decisions that you should’ve let your brain do.

You. Have. To. Heal. Yourself.

Once you’re healed, you have to realise that you are deserving of all the love that is being given to you. You may not think it, but you are worth it.

I sighed heavily.

☾☀︎

The fun was only just beginning.

☾☀︎

Wattpad: Commander_Camren

[sitinthelight]

I’m going through a wild ride emotionally. I don’t know what I’m doing. Not a clue.

I really like this guy. I REALLY like this guy.

I need to break up with Zach. But I’m reluctant of the outcome and scared of making his mental state go down hill even more than it already has. Like, I know there is never a good time to break up with someone. The right time never comes because you’ll keep making excuses, but his grandmother is dying and his mom keeps freaking out on him and his anxiety and depression is through the roof and it’ll be one more thing to add to his list of pretty shitty things happening in his life.

But I’m not happy. I don’t want to deal with any more of this. I want to live my life and explore other options and I know it’s best for me to be upfront and honest with him. I tried having this conversation with him and I keep crying and can’t get past much. And then he keeps denying and ignoring. He knows whats up. I know this can’t be a surprise for him. 

We messed up our lease but hopefully we’ll only have to pay a fee to break it so we can move as planned. However, we aren’t sure so we have to wait for Zach to get back into town and for the apartment manager guy to come back as well. I’m not ready to move. I don’t look forward to it. But at the same time, I’m so sick and tired of this town and living with Zach and I need a break. 

I’m keeping my head up. My future is bright if I work for it. I’m going to go back to school, hopefully do well with this new career choice. I’m going to move to Charlotte, decorate my room really cute. Find a decent stable job while I finish my new major. Maybe restart an old relationship or new ones with all types of people. I’m going to join clubs and groups. Take dance lessons, maybe even pick up the drums. Get more into different physical activities that aren’t just going to the gym. Eat even healthier and find cool restaurants and bars to frequent. Be an adult who loves and enjoys her life.

I enjoy it so much when Zach isn’t home. For some reason, I’m so much more productive when he’s not here. I got a lot of cleaning done. I’m happy with my work. I cook more because I don’t have to worry about what he’s going to eat or if he’ll like what I’m making (because most of what I eat is really clean and usually vegan). I don’t feel the stress of him being here and I hate saying this, he really kills the mood and promotes a more negative atmosphere.

I’m trying to learn how to be a more happy and positive person. I’m done with the self-deprecating jokes and the really dark outlook on life. Yeah, a lot of things in this world suck right now because humanity can’t collectively get it’s shit together. I hope eventually that mother nature kills us all and restarts a beautiful earth without such an evasive species like we are. But until then, I won’t be happy until I think happy. I look forward to going to therapy in a soonish point of my life to help. My social anxiety is improving to some degree too.

Life is just so complicated and it really doesn’t need to be but it is and that can’t be helped if I want to continue on as a member of this capitalist society. So I have to make the most of it and learn to work hard while taking care of myself. 

Meaning, I need to cut out the relationships in my life that drag me down. I don’t have a lot of relationships in my life. Most of my friendships involve me occasionally sending a text back and then forgetting to reply back or honestly, I’m just never in the mood for conversation. Texting is hard. I can’t read between the lines and I can’t see their face for cues or hear their voice. Half the time, I’m really bored when I text most people. I don’t find it engaging unless they’re pretty good at writing. 

I’m also a pathetic hopeless romantic with this crush of mine. But it’s reciprocated feelings and because of my past history with this guy, that’s something I could have never thought would actually happen. It’s almost strange, I’m seeing a side of him that I only got glimpses of before. A side I always wished and dreamed of seeing and 5 years later, I’m finally seeing it. And it’s nice. Honestly, I don’t know exactly what our standing will be once I do break up with Zach. I don’t know what’s going to happen or how much time I’ll need before I’m ready to really date again. It’s all up in the air. I don’t even know if we’ll be compatible enough for the long term. I’m going to be getting out of a 5 year relationship. I’ve learned a lot about myself and how to handle relationships through the multiple ups and downs and I’ve become more used to a relaxed intimacy rather than the rush of puppy love. Don’t get me wrong, I like the excitement of starting something new. There is also an excitement of knowing that I’m not entirely crazy for having liked this guy so much in the past. I think I made a post on tumblr explaining the situation but I’m pretty sure I deleted it. So I don’t feel like going back to see what I have mentioned and honestly, like 2 people read these so it doesn’t really matter. I more or less write these for myself because it’s therapeutic to vent into the void. 

It’s also easier than journaling because funny enough, this side blog is easier to hide than a physical notebook would be. 

I’m also appreciative that he doesn’t see me as some perfect dream girl. That was a huge fear of mine. That’s a huge reason on why I don’t want to be in this current relationship right now. I love Zach with all of my heart but not in the same way he loves me. I can’t in that same way. He doesn’t recognize my flaws, he rarely calls out my “bad” behavior. He doesn’t really help me grow as a person. But the guy I like, he has been subtly calling me out and recognizing my flawed behavior and mentioning to me as a concern of his and his honest opinions. Usually, I don’t take criticism very well but he’s making me stop and reflect. He’s doing it in such a nice way too and like, how are you already helping me kind of improve as a person and we aren’t even dating? yet, at least. 

Zach told me that he would have already proposed to me if he could have afforded a ring when I tried to bring up wanting to break up with him. Even if the engagement was a long one until we were ready to marry, that’s something he wishes he could give me.

Just that alone, tells me that he doesn’t know me as much as he thinks he does. Or maybe he doesn’t pay attention to the person that I am and he sees me more of a concept of what he thinks I am. Because since the moment we fell in love and started having multiple conversations about the future, I’ve told him that I don’t feel comfortable being proposed to until I’m at a stable point of my life. Until I’m able to provide for myself and take care of myself and that my partner would be at that point too. I told him I would say no until we got to that point. 

Second, I don’t care about an engagement ring. Especially what I’m sure he would pick out. Because I know his mom would help him pick it out and it’d be something very out of my character. Diamond. It would be diamond and probably too gaudy for my taste and too expensive for me to be comfortable with. 

Like, propose to me with a keychain. That is so much more me and much more useful than a diamond ring.

Honestly, I do want a ring. But I want it to be from a gem that we mined/found together because I want to take up rockhounding as a hobby. That would be so much more meaningful to me. A little ruby or sapphire or emerald from a NC mine. A simple ring with that stone professionally cut. That would mean the world to me. Can I just, print out instructions for the next person that wants to propose? Maybe I have to be the one to propose with this idea? But like...I want the ring...so someone better propose to me with this idea when we’re ready. It’s a great idea. 

There is just so much that we don’t see eye to eye on and I know it doesn’t bother Zach but it fucking bothers me. I want to join the peace corps and he hates the idea of me doing that. I remember bringing it up to him and then saying, you know they accept couples right? You could join too and we wouldn’t be apart. Of course that idea wasn’t up his alley either, which is fair. It’s not for everyone. But like, I feel a calling towards it and I WILL do it one day. Fuck if I will let anyone stop me from doing it. 

His view on politics is luke warm. He doesn’t have much of an opinion on anything, he just knows to agree to keep out of arguing and difficult conversations. He doesn’t call out his friends when they say things that are sexist, racist, etc. He just lets them continue on. 

He wants three kids, at least one or two being of his own blood. 

I don’t want to be pregnant. Ever. Honestly, I don’t think I even want kids. If I ever change my mind, I’d rather adopt than grow a child inside of me. We’ve talked about this and he’s okay with adopting as long as it’s a baby but like here is the thing, I don’t like babies. I’d rather adopt a child that’s past the potty training stage. I’d be fine with adopting one that’s older. I just don’t like babies and don’t know how to deal with them. I can’t even properly hold them without feeling like I’m going to drop the world’s most expensive vase. 

Also, the names he has for children are names that I don’t like. Actually, one of the names, I really fucking hate. And if we had kids, I know his mom would be a big part of helping raise them and I’m not comfortable with that. Because I don’t trust that she’d respect my parenting style and rules because if I do have kids, I want them to develop good healthy habits as soon as possible so it sticks with them for life. She’d fuck it all up because she’d be living with us and I don’t know if I can deal with the fact that she’ll be living with us when she gets older honestly. My own mom doesn’t even want to live with me when she’s older. At least not in the same house. My mom wants a tiny home in my backyard in exchange for keeping up with the garden because I don’t have a green thumb. 

Zach and I just want different things in life and every time I bring this up, he just starts to agree with me and says that being with me has changed his mind a little and he’d be willing to give those things up just to be with me. Like no! Don’t do that! Never ever ever give up on what you desire for another person! Like if you want kids, find someone who also wants kids! Why continue a relationship when you know important decisions like that will have to come up and especially with kids, man. Like bringing kids into a relationship is such a risky move if only one parent really wanted them.

I just, idk. I take the kids thing really seriously. I never want someone to change what they’ve always wanted for me. I prefer dating people who don’t want children. It’s so much easier to already have that part in agreement. 

Zach and I get along really well. Amazingly well. I’ve never meshed better with another person in my life. But we don’t share the same core values. We have the foundation made but nothing to keep it down. He doesn’t see that. He’s so willing to be flexible to fit into my life and I don’t want that. I don’t want anyone to change their life for me. I want to find someone with a complimentary lifestyle instead. That’s important to me. 

I’m just going on about all this super personal shit because I really need to vent. I could talk about these things to the guy I like but he doesn’t need to know the burden of my current relationship to that extent. Like, it’s so much. That’s also a lot of pressure to deal with. I want to be honest with him and talk about these types of things to him when the time comes though. Like, we’re already having discussions about things. For one, I know he doesn’t want kids either. We also share pretty much the same political views, I’m just pretty sure he’s more thought out and rational about who and what he supports than I am. I’m much more emotional and need to be better educated about some things. 

I look forward to possibly starting a new relationship with him. It’s shitty to say because I am currently in a relationship. I do believe I’ve crossed the line of cheating in quite a few ways. But like, emotions. I’m an emotional being. I feel things and I feel the strong desire to want to fall for someone else and I want to follow that and see where it goes. I’m up for anything. This is an adventure I want to pursue, regardless of the outcome. For all I know, we aren’t meant for each other. And that’s okay because it’s life and I’ll find someone else even better down the road if so.

I just...don’t like where I am right now. I want it to be over with. 

[annieintheaair]

Love & Valentine’s Day

The last time it really snowed in Texas, that I remember, was in 2015 when I was in flight attendant training. I was scheduled to do a work flight that weekend and the snow came down instead, canceling flights, and keeping us indoors.

Everyone I talked to told me that in Texas, when it snows, you just stay home. Being from the northeast, that just seemed weird to me because life carries on when it snows.

I don’t know if someday I’ll wake up and re-download dating apps or miraculously meet someone while out and about but for the time being, I’m focusing on myself and doing my best to find new hobbies and make new friends.

Since it has been cold and snowy, I’ve been binge watching Firefly Lane on Netflix this weekend and I was watching an episode today where after Tully gets married, she flips out on her husband and makes him leave. He doesn’t want to leave at first but she screams at him that he has to go and as soon as he gives in and does, she falls to the floor in regret.

Have you ever done that? Have you ever asked someone to leave but deep down, you were testing them to see if they’d choose to stay anyway? This scene brought me flashbacks to November. I remember flipping out on James and telling him to leave. I thought he would go and I ended up falling asleep that night, only to wake up in the morning and find that he hadn’t left. At that point, I felt like I couldn’t change my mind. He packed up his things and in a more calm way (but not without tears) that morning, we said goodbye.

Without going into detail, we did patch things up a few days later but looking back, I think that was our breaking point. I should have been glad that he stayed that night on my couch and in the morning, I should have apologized and told him to stay. I think sometimes we just can’t let go of our pride.

In Firefly Lane, Tully finally gets up the courage to apologize but at that point, Max has decided that he wants a divorce. She tells him anyway that she wants a fresh start and if he wants one too, she will be at the spot in the park where they got married, the following day. Max basically explains to her that she wasn’t there when he needed her to be and that she wouldn’t talk when he wanted to talk with her. He doesn’t show up the next day and she’s heartbroken.

This story line tugged at my heartstrings really badly. I’ve been the girl crying on the floor and later trying to apologize and fix things to only be turned down. I’ve felt that pain of feeling like it was all my fault and feeling rejected and like there was nothing that I could do or say to fix everything.

It has been almost two months now since it ended and it was two months yesterday since I last saw him. My heart still hurts. I keep wishing he would show up and we’d figure it out. There are so many days that go by that I keep wishing we could have a fresh start. I feel like Tully, standing at the park, waiting for him.

The thing is, you can’t make yourself important to anyone. They have to choose you, each and every day. They have to want it as badly as you do and they have to be willing to work things out. I’ve learned that love isn’t easy. Love doesn’t mean that everything goes smoothly all of the time but that you work through things. Just like Tully realized, sometimes it’s better to hold on and keep pushing to work things out instead of running away but you both need to run in the same direction together.

I think about Valentine’s Day last year. The pandemic hadn’t really started yet, life was normal, and I went to Phoenix for work where I went on a first date with Kris, who I had met on Match.com. It was a great first date but for many reasons, it didn’t go anywhere beyond that day really. We became friends and that was about it.

A lot has happened in the last year. To think that after that day, I proceeded to go on more dates and have my heart broken twice, it’s no wonder that I’m feeling down about love and not at all interested in getting back out there to meet someone new.

I remember a couple of years ago after having been taking anti-depressants for a while, my therapist told me that she felt like maybe my dosage was too high. At the time, I thought that she was just saying that because she was afraid that I’d stop seeing her every week if I felt so numb that I didn’t need her help. There have been days, like in early January, when I felt like my dosage wasn’t high enough but lately, I feel like maybe she was right and maybe it really is too high.

I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t know how to feel anymore. I don’t know how to really put my feelings into words and the more I try to tell myself that I’m ok, the less I really believe it. Have I become so good at convincing everyone else that I can no longer convince myself? Am I ok or am I not ok? Has my medication made me too numb?

These days, I feel like I’ve run out of words, which is weird for me. It’s like deep down, I have so much to say, but the words don’t come out. I feel like I’m no longer heard so it’s no use to even try to get the words out.

With only a few weeks left until I return to work and my old life, I’ve decided to refocus all of my efforts. Instead of getting back on Bumble for dating, I’ve pursued new friendships. It’s incredible to me the new people that God has brought into my life. These new friends that I clicked with immediately have made me wonder where they’ve been my whole life and have filled me with excitement for what’s to come. I feel like we’re all going through similar things and while some people I’ve talked to are in relationships or married, those I’ve met in person so far are living the single life. At 31, it feels so good to finally have some single girl friends.

I’ve also been going to the gym frequently and trying new exercise classes, as well as cooking healthier meals at home to get myself back on track. I’ve been going back out for walks with my dogs (not 10 mile walks like I did in the spring but every bit helps!). All of this has made me realize that I think James and I made a huge mistake.

While I don’t think our relationship was a mistake, I think it was complicated because we jumped into it so fast and began spending nearly every minute of everyday together. I forgot about my own life and stopped trying to make new friends. Even when I was in Wyoming in December, I had plans to meet up with a girl from Bumble BFF but then didn’t for many reasons but mainly because I didn’t want to tell James that I wanted to go out without him when I was there visiting him.

Being with James had me giving up on my own life. I guess I lost my sense of self in our relationship. I stopped going out for walks or bike rides unless he wanted to go with me. I had even made friends with a girl named Emma but stopped hanging out with her because I always chose James over her. At the time, I thought that was a good choice but looking back, I realize that we probably needed to maintain our own lives in order to have a strong and stable life together.

I always hated the girls who gave up on their friends when they were in relationships and there I was, that girl, and I didn’t even realize it. Where did Annie go?

I know that James looks at my Instagram stories and I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking. Does he wonder where the girl he dated disappeared to since we broke up? Does he miss the old Annie or does he wish he was with the new Annie?

The other day I rushed to the hair salon because I swore I saw some white strands in my hair. White, yes, white, not grey. I’m pretty sure it was caused by stress and even though my mom tried to suggest that maybe it was a white blonde, I was still in a panic. I thought the girl would do my base color as blonde but something clearly went wrong and left my hair with a reddish tint. At home, I told myself that red (or anything) was better than white and maybe I just need to embrace this new version of myself. I never would have gone and asked for her to dye my hair red but maybe red is just the change that I needed. Maybe red is the beginning of the new Annie.

I’m tossing this back and forth-- am I the new Annie or the old Annie, before James and all of the heartbreak? Maybe I’m a mixture of both. I’m reclaiming parts of my old life before James but I’m also embracing this new version of myself.

Being alone has given me more time back since I’ve been working my part-time job right now and not flying. When I’m out and about, I don’t feel like I need to rush home to James because he’s not there but I stay out around town and I get things done. I love spending my evenings (and some mornings) at exercise classes, bible study, and serving with the students at church. I’m enjoying making dinner plans with new friends and even had brunch today (on Valentine’s Day) with a new friend.

All of these new things in my life are great but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss James. Sometimes I feel like I wish we could have that do-over, just like Tully talked about on Firefly Lane. I wish we could meet up in person and talk about all of this and realize these things together. I wish we could start over and maintain our own lives but be together and go to sleep and wake up together everyday. I wish we could hold onto what worked and fix what didn’t work.

I feel like there is no end to missing him. I feel like I constantly put on this façade that everything is great but deep down, I’m still hurting. If you’d seen what my house looks like these days, you’d understand. I’ve always been the person who tries to keep my house tidy and I even “chop” the pillows on my couch and make my bed everyday. Lately, I don’t do any of those things. My kitchen seems to be an endless mess, my pillows don’t look nice, there’s papers on my kitchen table, my bed isn’t made, and I haven’t even put my suitcase away from my recent travels. The laundry is piling up, once again.

When does this end? Will there come a day when I stop missing him? If I’m not looking to meet someone new right now, how will I move on?

Maybe tomorrow (as I tell myself everyday), I’ll clean my house and get my life back together. Aside from my house, the goal these days has been to get myself back in shape and lose some weight (that I gained while we were dating). It’s not even that I want to look like I did when I met James but I want to look better than that and even better than when I was spending time with Ryan.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to focus on myself right now and even if we never get that do-over or I wake up and it’s April (like in my dream last week), I’ve learned to never let go of my own life. Never stop maintaining your own life for your relationship because you need both your life on your own and your life together in order to have the best kind of relationship. It has to be a good balance of both.

Happy Valentine’s Day! You are never, ever alone.

xoxo

Annie

[wineanddinosaur]

We Asked 15 Brewers: What Are You Drinking in Dry January?

It might still feel like 2020 in some ways — OK, a lot of ways — but 2021 has indeed arrived, and for many people the dawn of a new year means setting resolutions for a cleaner, healthier life. The most temperate (and trendy) goal is Dry January, the widely popular month-long practice of abstaining from alcohol.

There’s a good chance someone you know (it could even be you) is pledging sobriety for the first 31 days of 2021. According to the London-based nonprofit that started the now-global challenge through a campaign to combat unhealthy drinking in 2013, more than 6 million people said they would become teetotalers this month, up from 3.9 million last year. The dramatic increase is not at all surprising, as data suggests alcohol consumption has risen sharply during the coronavirus pandemic.

Interestingly, the burgeoning segment of nonalcoholic beverages also continues to thrive amid today’s duress and uncertainty. In the first six months of the pandemic, sales of non-alcoholic beer increased by almost 40 percent, according to Nielsen, pointing to the legitimacy in the growing momentum of the sober-curious movement.

Depending on who you ask, having a Dry January this year could be extremely difficult, pretty easy, or somewhere between. Whatever you’re doing, we’re not here to judge. But we wondered: Are brewers participating? Here’s what we learned after asking 15.

Keep reading for details about all the recommended drinks!

“I definitely cut back after the holidays, and totally support Dry January, if it’s truly healthy for the person doing it. Me, I’m mostly alternating between low fills of our IPA and pils on the weekend. And for weeknight dinners I’m having an ice-cold Heineken 0.0, straight from the bottle. It is, by far, the most beer-like nonalcoholic beer I’ve tried, and it’s exactly what I want in the occasion: crisp, cold lager.” —Kyle Kohlmorgen, Founder and Head Brewer, Wellspent Brewing Company, St. Louis

“Scottish Blend tea. I’m not joking.” —Keir Hamilton, Brewer, Alewife Brewing Company, Sunnyside, N.Y.

“Local businesses, from breweries and bottle shops to bars and restaurants, are struggling right now, so I’m supporting them anyway I can. In lieu of Dry January I’ll be continuing to purchase beer from some of my favorite small businesses and I encourage everyone else to do the same. I’ll be saving the sobriety for more stable times and drinking saisons like Väsen’s Mierka until then.” —Brian Mandeville, Head Brewer, Fine Creek Brewing Company, Powhatan, Va.

”I have to be honest: I’m usually the first to tell trend-followers to get bent. But considering last year made me want to dive into a pool of strong Mai Tai, I decided to give Dry January a Mai-try. As with any vice, you give one and grab another. So I started drinking the glorious solution of my people, imported Mexican Coke. Why? Because it’s tasty as hell.“ —Javi Gonzalez, Brewer, Pacific Plate Brewing Company, Monrovia, Calif.

“I was planning on doing it, actually for the first time, and then an insurrection mounted against the Capitol and I realized it just wasn’t the right time for that.” —Candace Holmes, Brewer, Bearded Iris Brewing, Nashville

“My wife and I are both doing it, partly because she tested positive for Covid on Saturday and I a few days later, after first showing negative. Crazy. So we’ve been quarantining with a lot of La Croix.“ —Todd DiMatteo, Co-owner and Brewer, Good Word Brewing & Public House, Duluth, Ga.

“I’ve been drinking lots of water and coffee this month. We’ve also been experimenting with dry-hopping nonalcoholic seltzers with and without fruit purees, so I’m fortunate to enjoy those during and after my shifts.” —Eric Berg, Packaging, The Bronx Brewery, Bronx, N.Y.

“I really appreciate Dry January and any attempt to be a bit more mindful about sobriety and what we consume. This year obviously is a bit different, but in the past it’s been cool to see people drinking nonalcoholic options in social settings, proving even us awkward introverts don’t always need to be half buzzed to have a good time out. At the brewery we’ve been experimenting with these awesome little drinks we call Soft Seltzers. They’re fermented with a mixed culture we’ve cultivated, less than 0.5 percent ABV, bone dry, have some cool funky and refreshing herb and fruit flavors, and that seltzer-like carb and drinkability. I find most kombuchas and other fermented sodas either too sweet or too aggressively sour and gross. The Soft Seltzers are much more ethereal and delicious. Lately I’ve been crushing bottles of one with ginger and holy basil out of some clear bottles that, after a bit of time in the sun, gets a saison-ish, funky skunk character. They make me so happy.” —Gerard Olson, Owner, Forest & Main Brewing Company, Ambler, Pa.

“Whiskey and Diet Coke. I’m doing a beer-only Dry January because your boy gained that Covid-30 (pounds, that is) and it’s time to see my toes again.” —Tyler Smith, Founder, Kitsune Brewing Company, Phoenix,

“Despite brewing beer for a living, I don’t drink much, so the idea of participating in Dry January never even occurs to me.” —Jacob Mitchell, Head Brewer, Craft Brewing Company, Lake Elsinore, Calif.

“Local breweries need all the help they can get this winter, so I won’t go dry and instead wiIl pick up beers from our friends in our Gowanus neighborhood. For one, pretty excited to grab Antithesis, Wild East’s new West Coast-style IPA.” —Alex Biedermann, Brewer, Strong Rope Brewery, Brooklyn

“With all that’s gone on this past year, Dry January isn’t really in the cards for me. At work, my coworkers and I basically drink whatever lager is close to finished at the time. As soon as that’s packaged, we move on to the next one, and so on and so forth. I think it probably has something to do with the exclusivity of it. And maybe the convenience. Anyway, it feels like our little secret. And when I get home I’m usually drinking gin or Scotch. The weekends I save for a special bottle of whatever mixed-fermentation ale I can get my hands on.” —Savannah Roberts, Brewer, Triple Crossing Beer (Fulton), Richmond, Va.

“Lagunitas’ Hop Water is actually pretty fantastic. But these days it’s a shit-ton of seltzer, pretty much. Maybe mix in some lime and bitters if I’m feeling fancy.” —Bob Oso, Brewer, Austin Beerworks, Austin, Texas

“I think a major problem I, and maybe others, have is that I associate beer with fun and good feelings. And so I start to reach for a beer because of the way I’m hoping it makes me feel versus just enjoying the way it tastes. This month, I’ve been getting into trying different hot teas and creating a cozy, enjoyable atmosphere to retrain my brain into realizing I don’t need alcohol to have a good time.” —Jillian Farrell, Brewer, Grand Canyon Brewing + Distillery, Flagstaff, Ariz.

“With a lot of breweries struggling from the pandemic, I’ll have some beers this month. It’s to support the local industry via buying and drinking beers from my peers, and because I enjoy drinking some every now and then. Maybe I’ll just do a double-DRY-hopped January, instead.” —Linus De Paoli, Owner and Brewer, Kitzingen Brewery, Wyoming, Mich.

The article We Asked 15 Brewers: What Are You Drinking in Dry January? appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/15-best-dry-january-beverages-brewers/

[johnboothus]

We Asked 15 Brewers: What Are You Drinking in Dry January?

It might still feel like 2020 in some ways — OK, a lot of ways — but 2021 has indeed arrived, and for many people the dawn of a new year means setting resolutions for a cleaner, healthier life. The most temperate (and trendy) goal is Dry January, the widely popular month-long practice of abstaining from alcohol.

There’s a good chance someone you know (it could even be you) is pledging sobriety for the first 31 days of 2021. According to the London-based nonprofit that started the now-global challenge through a campaign to combat unhealthy drinking in 2013, more than 6 million people said they would become teetotalers this month, up from 3.9 million last year. The dramatic increase is not at all surprising, as data suggests alcohol consumption has risen sharply during the coronavirus pandemic.

Interestingly, the burgeoning segment of nonalcoholic beverages also continues to thrive amid today’s duress and uncertainty. In the first six months of the pandemic, sales of non-alcoholic beer increased by almost 40 percent, according to Nielsen, pointing to the legitimacy in the growing momentum of the sober-curious movement.

Depending on who you ask, having a Dry January this year could be extremely difficult, pretty easy, or somewhere between. Whatever you’re doing, we’re not here to judge. But we wondered: Are brewers participating? Here’s what we learned after asking 15.

Keep reading for details about all the recommended drinks!

“I definitely cut back after the holidays, and totally support Dry January, if it’s truly healthy for the person doing it. Me, I’m mostly alternating between low fills of our IPA and pils on the weekend. And for weeknight dinners I’m having an ice-cold Heineken 0.0, straight from the bottle. It is, by far, the most beer-like nonalcoholic beer I’ve tried, and it’s exactly what I want in the occasion: crisp, cold lager.” —Kyle Kohlmorgen, Founder and Head Brewer, Wellspent Brewing Company, St. Louis

“Scottish Blend tea. I’m not joking.” —Keir Hamilton, Brewer, Alewife Brewing Company, Sunnyside, N.Y.

“Local businesses, from breweries and bottle shops to bars and restaurants, are struggling right now, so I’m supporting them anyway I can. In lieu of Dry January I’ll be continuing to purchase beer from some of my favorite small businesses and I encourage everyone else to do the same. I’ll be saving the sobriety for more stable times and drinking saisons like Väsen’s Mierka until then.” —Brian Mandeville, Head Brewer, Fine Creek Brewing Company, Powhatan, Va.

”I have to be honest: I’m usually the first to tell trend-followers to get bent. But considering last year made me want to dive into a pool of strong Mai Tai, I decided to give Dry January a Mai-try. As with any vice, you give one and grab another. So I started drinking the glorious solution of my people, imported Mexican Coke. Why? Because it’s tasty as hell.“ —Javi Gonzalez, Brewer, Pacific Plate Brewing Company, Monrovia, Calif.

“I was planning on doing it, actually for the first time, and then an insurrection mounted against the Capitol and I realized it just wasn’t the right time for that.” —Candace Holmes, Brewer, Bearded Iris Brewing, Nashville

“My wife and I are both doing it, partly because she tested positive for Covid on Saturday and I a few days later, after first showing negative. Crazy. So we’ve been quarantining with a lot of La Croix.“ —Todd DiMatteo, Co-owner and Brewer, Good Word Brewing & Public House, Duluth, Ga.

“I’ve been drinking lots of water and coffee this month. We’ve also been experimenting with dry-hopping nonalcoholic seltzers with and without fruit purees, so I’m fortunate to enjoy those during and after my shifts.” —Eric Berg, Packaging, The Bronx Brewery, Bronx, N.Y.

“I really appreciate Dry January and any attempt to be a bit more mindful about sobriety and what we consume. This year obviously is a bit different, but in the past it’s been cool to see people drinking nonalcoholic options in social settings, proving even us awkward introverts don’t always need to be half buzzed to have a good time out. At the brewery we’ve been experimenting with these awesome little drinks we call Soft Seltzers. They’re fermented with a mixed culture we’ve cultivated, less than 0.5 percent ABV, bone dry, have some cool funky and refreshing herb and fruit flavors, and that seltzer-like carb and drinkability. I find most kombuchas and other fermented sodas either too sweet or too aggressively sour and gross. The Soft Seltzers are much more ethereal and delicious. Lately I’ve been crushing bottles of one with ginger and holy basil out of some clear bottles that, after a bit of time in the sun, gets a saison-ish, funky skunk character. They make me so happy.” —Gerard Olson, Owner, Forest & Main Brewing Company, Ambler, Pa.

“Whiskey and Diet Coke. I’m doing a beer-only Dry January because your boy gained that Covid-30 (pounds, that is) and it’s time to see my toes again.” —Tyler Smith, Founder, Kitsune Brewing Company, Phoenix,

“Despite brewing beer for a living, I don’t drink much, so the idea of participating in Dry January never even occurs to me.” —Jacob Mitchell, Head Brewer, Craft Brewing Company, Lake Elsinore, Calif.

“Local breweries need all the help they can get this winter, so I won’t go dry and instead wiIl pick up beers from our friends in our Gowanus neighborhood. For one, pretty excited to grab Antithesis, Wild East’s new West Coast-style IPA.” —Alex Biedermann, Brewer, Strong Rope Brewery, Brooklyn

“With all that’s gone on this past year, Dry January isn’t really in the cards for me. At work, my coworkers and I basically drink whatever lager is close to finished at the time. As soon as that’s packaged, we move on to the next one, and so on and so forth. I think it probably has something to do with the exclusivity of it. And maybe the convenience. Anyway, it feels like our little secret. And when I get home I’m usually drinking gin or Scotch. The weekends I save for a special bottle of whatever mixed-fermentation ale I can get my hands on.” —Savannah Roberts, Brewer, Triple Crossing Beer (Fulton), Richmond, Va.

“Lagunitas’ Hop Water is actually pretty fantastic. But these days it’s a shit-ton of seltzer, pretty much. Maybe mix in some lime and bitters if I’m feeling fancy.” —Bob Oso, Brewer, Austin Beerworks, Austin, Texas

“I think a major problem I, and maybe others, have is that I associate beer with fun and good feelings. And so I start to reach for a beer because of the way I’m hoping it makes me feel versus just enjoying the way it tastes. This month, I’ve been getting into trying different hot teas and creating a cozy, enjoyable atmosphere to retrain my brain into realizing I don’t need alcohol to have a good time.” —Jillian Farrell, Brewer, Grand Canyon Brewing + Distillery, Flagstaff, Ariz.

“With a lot of breweries struggling from the pandemic, I’ll have some beers this month. It’s to support the local industry via buying and drinking beers from my peers, and because I enjoy drinking some every now and then. Maybe I’ll just do a double-DRY-hopped January, instead.” —Linus De Paoli, Owner and Brewer, Kitzingen Brewery, Wyoming, Mich.

The article We Asked 15 Brewers: What Are You Drinking in Dry January? appeared first on VinePair.

Via https://vinepair.com/articles/15-best-dry-january-beverages-brewers/

source https://vinology1.weebly.com/blog/we-asked-15-brewers-what-are-you-drinking-in-dry-january

[bulbspoon9-blog]

Tempeh Tacos with Raw Cashew Queso

I have to start by saying how incredibly moved I was by the comments on the last post, and the emails I received from you guys – a deep, heartfelt thank you. I knew that opening myself up would spark a lot of conversation, but I never imagined the impact it would have, not only in regards to the incredible outpouring of support, but for sharing your own stories and struggles. Time and time again I am reminded of the power in vulnerability and open communication. I feel truly blessed to have a community of conscious and loving readers, and that we can all share our journey with one another. That is what makes us stronger, and certainly healthier human beings in every sense of the word.

Before I dig deeper into what I’ve been doing to eat for balancing my hormones, I’d like to just follow-up with the topic of orthorexia. Many of you expressed surprise at my struggles, thinking that because I do what I do, I must have had it all together. The truth is I thought that I did have it all together for a very long time, and creating My New Roots has been the most powerful catalyst in my healing. For the last decade, I’ve felt very grounded in my choices and excited to celebrate them with you. But like I mentioned in the last post, the experience of changing my diet has brought back many of the challenges, dark thoughts and feelings that I had convinced myself were gone forever. Putting new restrictions on myself made me to put food into “good” and “bad” categories. This probably doesn’t sound so terrible, but like I said before, this is a slippery slope into full-blown disordered eating for me. I see now that there is an incredibly fine line between caring about what I eat and caring too much. I believe that my relationship to food is something that I may have to keep in check for the rest of my life, or at least as long as I choose to use it as a tool to become a healthier person (so, like, forever).

In the last four months of tuning into what I need right now, and eating more consciously, I’ve really experienced a positive difference in how I feel, which is the biggest reward anyone could ask for! But I’ve also had bad days where I wasn’t prepared, and suddenly being at a wedding or a birthday party, or out for dinner with friends without much to eat in the “good” category, wasn’t so rad. My blood sugar would crash, I’d feel desperate, totally out of control and the voices would come back. What I’ve learned from these experiences is that I need to be as prepared as possible in these situations, but if I can’t, I simply have to let go. I cannot control everything and I cannot always be prepared, but that in order to move forward, I have to maintain flexibility, and stop being so darn hard on myself! I firmly believe that there is more strength in being fluid and forgiving, than rigid and judgmental. I am just a person, after all.

Since many of you were curious about the connection between food and hormone balance, I’d like to discuss it in more detail, and share what I’ve been doing to keep these miraculous chemicals in check, and keep them working for me, not against me!

Upping my fat and protein intake – but especially fat Fats are an essential part of a healthy, well-balanced diet, and they are especially important for hormone balance. Fats actually create the structural components of hormones, and cholesterol specifically is responsible for our reproductive hormones; estrogen, progesterone and testosterone.

The type of fat you choose however, is critical to achieving a positive effect, as the ones you consume become the building blocks for your hormones. Saturated fats like coconut oil, butter and ghee, and monounsaturated fats like olive oil, nuts, eggs, and avocados are excellent choices and should be consumed responsibly every day. Cut back on or eliminate corn, canola, sunflower, safflower and soybean oils, and replace them with the aforementioned instead.

I’ve also increased my protein intake, and consciously replacing more high-carbohydrate foods with more protein-rich foods such as tempeh, hemp, sprouts, activated nuts, eggs, and quality protein powder has really made a difference in stabilizing my energy levels and appetite. Getting enough protein on a vegetarian diet is totally possible, but I find that if I’m not really paying attention, I can dip below the ideal 45 grams a day. Loosely (not obsessively) keeping track of my daily intake of protein has helped me feel my best.

Keeping my blood sugar stable It may seem totally unrelated, but blood sugar and hormones are in fact inextricably linked. One of the main functions of the endocrine system (the system that creates and transports hormones in your body) is delivering glucose to your brain, muscles, and heart. So if anything in that process isn’t working properly, than mismanaged blood sugar is the inevitable result. But what’s worse is that it creates a cascade effect whereby none of the other parts of your endocrine system will work either. Sheesh!

Walking the line between high and low blood sugar is something that I’ve really been focusing on lately, and it’s working well, but it is an ongoing process that takes some getting used to. Including more fat and protein in my diet has been a game-changer for me, since those macronutrients digest slower than carbohydrates – even the complex ones from things like sweet potatoes, quinoa, and chickpeas.

I try to eat a large and protein-rich breakfast within an hour of waking up (after the lemon water, of course!). Lunch is where I get the majority of my calories since that is when I need the most energy. I like eating roasted vegetables, avocado, eggs, and sprouted pseudo-grains like quinoa and buckwheat. I snack in between meals when I’m hungry, but instead of reaching for a slice of rye bread or a rice cake, I’ll have veggies with a high-fat dip, or a handful of my Maple Cinnamon Grain-free Granola. Dinner is mostly grain-free these days and I stick to salads, soups and stews. I go to bed no longer than four hours after dinner so that I’m not hungry right before I hit the pillow. Then I like to have a break of about 14 hours between dinner and breakfast the next day, as my digestion does well on the rhythm of intermittent fasting.

Eating more vegetables (and less bread a.k.a. DUH) I almost always had a couple slices of rye bread at lunch. Not that there is anything “wrong” with doing so, but I’ll admit to feeling pretty foggy-headed afterwards. And because it filled me up so much, I had less room for veggies. Now I’m prepping raw and cooked vegetables ahead of time and keeping them on hand specifically for my big lunches. Some favourites to roast in the oven are cauliflower, sweet potato, pumpkin, red onion, zucchini, tomatoes, and broccoli. I’ve also started cutting up a big plate of veggie sticks in the early afternoon, before I even get hungry, so that it is there and waiting for me – no excuses. Right before diving in I douse it in freshly squeezed lemon juice, Maldon salt and Aleppo pepper. It’s honestly delicious.

I don’t have to tell you that vegetables are full of filling fiber, replenishing phytonutrients, and yes, protein. Especially dem green ones. Eat more plants.

Habits + meal prep I think this was the other big hurdle for me when it came to changing things up with my eating habits. I knew that if I was going to start eating food differently, I’d have to start preparing food differently too – and a lot more often. I already spend a lot of time in the kitchen (obvi) and I love it, but I am also a person who likes to spend her non-work hours away from the cutting board. Eating this way admittedly does take more time, and makes it more challenging to eat out, or just grab something on the go. Coming to terms with this was challenging, but I’ve realized that I have to dedicate more time to my diet if I want to be successful. No matter how you slice it, meal preparation is a very big part of sticking to your goals, whatever they may be. Of course there are times when it’s just not possible to do, and divergent days are fine, but the majority of your food you’re should fall into the category that helps you feel your best, however you define that.

Instead of prepping one day a week, which I know a lot of people like to do, I actually prefer to pepper it throughout the week in a way that is a little more fluid for me. If the Life-Changing Loaf of Bread is in the oven for instance, I’ll chop up a bunch of veggies, and put them in too. If I’m washing greens for a salad, I’ll do all of them so that they’re ready to chuck into a smoothie on a whim. Lee from America’s Fat Balls have also been a super snack these days. And like I mentioned before, having fresh veggies washed and sliced up for afternoon cravings is very helpful. I can prepare two or three day’s worth at a time and keep them in the fridge.

Mindset Instead of looking at food in terms of “good” and “bad” which I think is a dangerously judgemental way to categorize what we’re eating, I like to say “yes” to certain things, and the others fall into the “not-right-now” basket. For instance, I love brown rice to the ends of the earth and back, but I’m not eating it right now since it doesn’t make me feel all that great. And just because I’m not eating brown rice these days doesn’t mean I’ll never eat it again! This leaves room for flexibility and creates a far more sustainable way to look at one’s diet. Isn’t it relieving to know that if you are out for dinner and there’s only rice for example, that you could potentially eat it and not beat yourself up? Ahhhh…did you feel that?! What a relief, eh? Tomorrow you’ll get back on the horse, no big deal at all. Making changes should be fun, and keep those labels for tin cans! You’re a fluid being, ever-changing, so make space for that in your meal planning too.

Self-care routine, stress-reduction, exercise, and sleep I used to see self-care as something that only “people with time” have. Well, after totally hitting the wall a while ago, I realized that it just has to be a priority, respected as a part of a holistic approach to health, and something to actually schedule in the calendar. Staying active, sleeping, and treating myself to some yummy stress-reducing activities like spending time in nature, bodywork, and cooking (go figure) keeps me feeling happy and relaxed. Squelching stress doesn’t happen by accident: it is truly a daily practice and something to be mindful of. Listen to yourself. How can this moment be juicier and more relaxing? It’s fun to love yourself!

Keeping stress levels low means that your body will be relaxed and not producing hormones that should only be reserved for emergency situations. Cortisol is a stress hormone released by the adrenal glands. Every time we experience a stressful situation we secrete this hormone into the blood stream so that our bodies can deal with the stressor at hand. Although cortisol is our friend in acute situations, our systems aren’t designed to be pumping it out ‘round the clock as we juggle and struggle with backlogged emails, fussy kids, and traffic jams. This is why chronic stress is so detrimental to our bodies: prolonged, elevated cortisol levels wreak all kinds of wrong inside of us, raising our blood pressure, causing unwanted weight gain, exhaustion, anxiety, impaired brain function, and weakening the immune response. All the more reason to take self-care seriously, and do the things you love more often. It’s actually healthy.

Sleeping 7-9 hours a night is another non-negotiable. Getting enough sleep helps us to control our cortisol production, balance our blood sugar, and put us back in line with our natural circadian rhythm. Turning screens off an hour before bedtime will help signal to your body that it is in fact, night time. Create a relaxed, cozy environment and spend the last hour before bed reading, stretching, or meditating. I still struggle with this one, as I love looking at Instagram right before turning out the light, but I’m becoming more mindful and doing my best.

Required Reading There are a few really amazing books out there that I recommend every woman reads, whether or not you’re seeking advice on a particular health issue. Understanding our bodies and cycles is the first step in helping ourselves become healthier, stronger, more connected women. Woman Code by Alisa Vitti has been hugely educational and supportive for me. Her book is a guide to figuring out what the heck is going on inside you, and how to correct it through diet and lifestyle. I appreciate her easy-to-understand language and humour in this book, because let’s face it: nothing is very funny when you’re hormones are raging! The Complete Natural Medicine Guide to Women’s Health by Dr. Sat Dharam Kaur has been and continues to be another excellent resource for me. This book is more of an all-round toolkit for lifelong health and healing, than specifically about hormone balance. I love the holistic approach to all conditions, and inspiring programs to get us back in touch with our natural cycles in connection to the earth. The third book I recommend is Hormone Balance by Carolyn Dean. Dean is a naturopathic doctor that utilizes both traditional and alternative solutions to help readers rebalance their hormone levels. Her writing is engaging and inspiring, and this book is full of ways for women to achieve greater overall health.

Oh man, I haven’t even talked about the tacos yet! So. I got the idea for these this past summer when I was chopping up tempeh to replace ground beef with in a tomato sauce for pasta. It turned out so meaty, satisfying, and delish that I thought I could perhaps take that same idea, spice it up a little differently, and serve them in a taco. Woot! I knew that grilled veggies and red cabbage would help cut the richness, but that I would also need a boss sauce to put them over the top. During one of my retreats I made a raw queso in our cooking class and everyone went wild for it. It seemed like a natural fit! Topped with some lime, avo, pickled red onions, and cilantro these were the best tacos I’ve ever had. Ever. Ever. And I’ve had a lot of tacos.

I know some of you are going to ask about the corn tortillas and probably remind me that corn is a “grain”. Yes, I am aware of that, and I’ll remind you that I am not grain-free, just cutting way back. I stick mostly to pseudo-grains and make sure they are soaked prior to cooking, and enjoy a treat like this once in a while. I only purchase tortillas made with sprouted corn, or from corn that has been nixtalmized (that topic is a whole other blog post!). I buy my corn tortillas from Hija de Sanchez here in Copenhagen. Their tortillas are made fresh daily using nixtamalized corn imported from Mexico, so they taste unbelievably good. Of course taco fillings are important to a good taco, but the tortilla quality should not be overlooked! It makes the dish. Go find the good ones.

    Print recipe    

Tempeh Tacos with Raw Cashew Queso Serves 3-4

Tempeh Taco “Meat” 250g / 8.8oz organic, non-GMO tempeh 1 medium red onion 4 cloves garlic 1 Tbsp. coconut oil or ghee 1 tsp. ground cumin ½ – 1 tsp. chipotle or smoked hot paprika, to taste 2 Tbsp. tamari 2-5 Tbsp. water, as needed

Grilled vegetables 1 medium zucchini 1 medium red onion 1 red bell pepper ½ tsp. fine sea salt 1 tsp. ground cumin a couple pinches of cayenne, if desired

12 small corn tortillas (try to find organic, non-GMO if possible) 1 batch Raw Cashew Queso, recipe below

Optional add-ins: 1 ripe avocado 1 small bunch cilantro pickled red onion or thinly sliced red onion shredded red cabbage tossed with a little salt and lime juice limes for serving hot sauce

Cooking and assembly: 1. Start by making the Raw Cashew Queso (see recipe below).

2. Heat your grill or barbecue to medium-high. If not using a grill, simply cook everything in a skillet on the stove.

3. Finely chop or crumble tempeh into whatever size appeals to you (mine were rather small to mimic ground beef). Set aside. Mince red onion and garlic. Set aside.

4. Soak wooden skewers in water while you prepare the vegetables, or longer if you remember. If using metal skewers, skip this step.

5. Wash and cut the zucchini and onion into rings, the peppers into chunks. Place in a large bowl and toss with the salt and spices.

6. Skewer the vegetables so that their largest surface will lay flat on the grill (see photo). Alternate veggies until you’ve used them all. Place on the grill and cook until stating to char on the underside, anywhere from 5-10 minutes, depending on your cooking method. Flip and cook on the other side.

7. While the vegetables are grilling, cook the tempeh. Heat your cooking oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add the onion and a few pinches of salt. Cook until starting to brown, about 7-10 minutes. Add garlic and cook for another minute until fragrant. Add crumbled tempeh, cumin, chipotle, and stir well to incorporate. Pour in the tamari, followed by a couple tablespoons of water. Stir well and add water as needed – you’re after a moist mixture. Taste and adjust seasoning as desired. Cook for a total of 10 minutes. The mixture should be golden brown, hot and delicious!

8. Warm the tortilla shells on the grill or in a pan over medium-high heat.

9. Spoon the desired amount of tempeh into each tortilla shell. Followed by the roasted veggies, avocado, cabbage, cilantro and pour on the Raw Cashew Queso. Enjoy!

Raw Cashew Queso Makes about 2 cups / 500ml

Ingredients: 1 cup / 150g cashews, soaked for 4-8 hours or overnight 1 red bell pepper ½ tsp. salt 2 Tbsp. nutritional yeast 2-3 tsp. freshly squeezed lemon juice, to taste ½ clove garlic 1 small piece fresh turmeric ground cayenne, to taste ½ cup / 125ml water

Directions: 1. Drain and rinse the cashews.

2. Put all ingredients, except water, in a high-speed blender or food processor and blend, adding water one tablespoon at a time until the desired consistency is reached. If you want a thick cream, use less water, for a thinner sauce, use more. (You will not achieve a perfectly smooth sauce with a food processor, but it is still delicious!).

Before I go I just want to reiterate how wonderful it felt to be met with such open arms after the last post. I wish I could write back to every single one of you who shared their story with me, and everyone else here, but I simply couldn’t get to them all. I am moved beyond words that so many of you felt open and supported in this space too, and I will urge you to seek out help if you need it. And if you know someone who you think may struggle with disordered eating, reach out and help them in a loving, and non-judgmental way. We are all in this together.

In love and light, Sarah B

*   *   *   *   *   *   *

http://www.goldencircleretreats.com/portugal/index.html Dear friends! I am thrilled to share the location for my next wellness retreat in magical Comporta, Portugal, November 5-11, 2017. Join Mikkala Marilyn Kissi and I at Sublime Comporta for seven days of luxurious living, divinely delicious meals, inspiring cooking classes and nutrition seminars, yoga, Pilates, meditation, and breath work. Come press the reset button with me! Ride horses on the beach, dance under the stars, and cozy up by the fire. This will be a week to remember. I can’t wait to see you there! Click here for more info and tickets.

Source: https://www.mynewroots.org/site/2017/09/tempeh-tacos-with-raw-cashew-queso/

[hedgehogsnorthwest-blog]

What not to feed your hedgehog

There are many different opinions about what to feed and what not to feed your hedgehog.

I recommend finding something that works well and sticking to that rather than changing diets frequently and experimenting on your animal. 

First off, most hedgehog foods should NOT be fed to hedgehogs.  For some odd reason, most companies that commercially prepare hedgehog foods haven't gotten it right yet with only a few exceptions.

The food that I use and recommend is Select Diet Premium Hedgehog Food.  The irony here is that this food is not actually sold by the manufacturer as a hedgehog food.  It just happens to be for animals that have similar nutritional requirements so works well for hedgies so some sellers (myself included) have figured this out and repackage it for hedgies.  A 5 lb. bag should last about 6 months for one hedgie.  I always tell people 3-6 months because it depends on how much they spill and waste but in terms of what they actually should eat one 5lb bag should last about 6 months+.  This is the food that I have been using for years (since 2007 as a breeder) and have been the most successful with.  I have taken in many hedgies over the years and most of them are not as healthy as my animals.  They show various signs of malnutrition (I'll explain later) that I haven't seen from my animals that have been eating this food consistently.  Also, the hedgies that I've taken in that have been fed pretty much any other food will switch on day 1 to this food and then ignore or eat around their other food (even when I've tried to gradually switch by mixing this with what they've come eating).  Therefore, I know they like it and from my experience with over 1000 hedgehogs they have been healthy eating it.  They always love meal worms as a treat so if you feed this food and meal worms for treats, that is a healthy diet for your hedgie without adding a bunch of other things so it's easy, shelf stable and not super expensive with a lot of waste.  If you've read to this point and think this food sounds like a great idea and want to try it out, it's $29.99 plus tax/shipping.  Click the button above to order it.

Here's the nutritional info:

Ok, now that that's taken care of... let's get into more specifics about why I have chosen this food above others and some other options if for some reason I haven't convinced you this is the best food.

You should have at least 30% protein and 15% fat from animal sources (ideally from poultry - chicken, turkey, etc.  The main protein in this comes from chicken.  Poultry protein is most similar to that of insects, snakes, etc. that your hedgehog might find in the wild.  For the main food, chicken is actually healthier in my opinion to strictly insects because it does not have the tough exoskeleton that hedgies tend to have difficulty digesting as they get older. 

Why not cat food?  Most people recommend cat food... why?  Because hedgies have only been popular pets since the mid-1990s and when they were first sold as pets, cat foods were the best commercially available option.  I also don't like cat foods because there are so many different cat foods and they are by no means equal in quality so you can't go to your local grocery store and pick up any cat food (i.e. Purina Cat Chow or Friskies) and think that this is healthy for your hedgie.  There are only a few that come close to meeting their dietary needs.  In addition to that, cats have much stronger teeth.  Most cat foods are very hard and crunchy which is fine for saber tooth kitties that are designed for tearing large chunks of meat off of their prey but not great for little hedgie teeth that are designed for crushing insects.  The Select Diet is not nearly as hard and crunchy as most cat foods.  Also most breeders don't recommend one particular cat food that they think is great, they say get 3-4 high quality cat foods so that it's well balanced and they have some that they like.  Translation: they probably won't like all of them.  Hedgies are picky eaters and will pick out their favorite and eat around the rest.  A lot will go to waste.  If you get 4 5lb bags of good quality cat foods they will each be $5 or more per pound and you really shouldn't use the open bag for much longer than about 6 months so you will either end up feeding them very stale food after awhile or end up throwing them away eventually once they are stale.  There are some good quality cat foods out there that meet my minimum nutritional recommendations above but then you have to watch out for how hard and crunchy they are and how large the kibbles are.  If a hedgie has kibbles that are bigger than their mouth they are going to have issues biting parts off of them.  I recommend looking at the forums on Hedgehogcentral.com if you want to see other's cat food recommendations.  Please please please, do not feed your hedgie other things called hedgehog food that do not meet these levels. 

Treats:

Most hedgies that are fed a high quality staple diet like the Select Diet that I recommend are not that excited about treats.  They know they have a nutritionally sound diet without being adventurous and eating other foods.  If they are on a lower quality staple food, then they will eat more "treat" foods because they are looking for that nutritional value that they are not getting. 

Cooked (unseasoned) chicken, turkey and eggs (hard boiled or scrambled) cut into small pieces so that they are not choking hazards are popular.  High quality canned cat foods where turkey or chicken are the first ingredient and water to process the meat is the second and not much else are also good.  I prefer Canine Caviar brand turkey food or Merrick Turkey Pate.  I also feed my babies Merrick Turduckin food which has turkey, chicken, duck and some veggies when they are learning to eat solids so that they get some experience with veggies in case the people that buy them want to give them fruits and veggies.

Insects:

Meal worms are by far the easiest option.  I don't recommend freeze dried mealies.  They are so dried out that they can get impacted in the bowels and not digest well.  Live mealies are great (especially if they have been fed/gut loaded some great veggies) or cooked-in-a-can dead mealies are okay as well.  The cooked-in-a-can ones are cooked live so they still have the moisture left in them.  They do need to be refrigerated after opening and you should only keep them in the fridge for up to about a month.  I recommend the live ones over the canned ones if you do not have an issue with live feeding.  Store the live meal worms in the refrigerator and they go to sleep then feed them to the hedgie in the evening when your hedgie is awake and they should eat them before they really wake up.  Once they have been refrigerated they kind of go into a suspended animation stage so there's very little risk that they will pupate or turn into beetles and the hedgie should eat them before this would happen anyway.  When I feed mealies, I do put them into a food dish for the hedgie(s) so that they don't disappear into the bedding because most hedgies are lazy enough that they don't often find them when they get lost in the bedding. 

Other insects:  First, only feed your hedgehog insects that are raised for pet food.  DO NOT let your hedgie forage for bugs in the yard or around your house.  You never know what types of pesticides or parasites that wild insects could be carrying.  While the insect might not harm your hedgie, the pesticides and parasites could so it's not worth the risk.  Your hedgie is a pet and not a pest control service.  :-) Do not feed Superworms.  These bite and can injure your hedgie.  They also smell bad so you probably don't want them around.  If you really want to feed super worms, you should cut the head off before giving them to the hedgie.  If you're anything like me, that doesn't sound like a great plan so stick with regular mealies.  Also, super worms turn into bigger more disgusting beetles and they are not supposed to be refrigerated so they are more likely to go through their metamorphosis into these than mealies.  Feeder roaches are okay if you are okay with having roaches in your house.  We used to raise discoid roaches that got to about 2" long and would feed the 1" guys to the hedgies.  They are pretty fast running bugs so we'd put a hedgie in a bin with one of the roaches and they'd be entertained for awhile trying to catch it.  It was also pretty entertaining to watch.  Lobster roaches only get to be about 1" long so they are similar to crickets for hedgies and are okay.  I use cages with wire sides so don't really recommend crickets.  Hedgies can eat them fine but often don't catch them well so you need to pull the legs off and put them into a bowl.  I'm not a fan of pulling legs off of insects to prepare my hedgies' dinner so I stay away from crickets.  Crickets also stink so that also makes them less desirable.  There are some other insects that people will feed hedgies (wax worms, etc.) and I haven't specifically used these so don't feel like I can make too many comments on these.  Honestly, if you are going to feed your hedgie insects, I recommend sticking with meal worms.  If you feed the Select Diet food and mealies as a treat you are not depriving your hedgie of anything and they will be healthy. 

How many meal worms should I feed? Some people say only feed a few per day or every few days.  I don't really think it's possible to over feed meal worms unless you have a giant colony and that's the only food the hedgie is getting (they need some other protein and fat) but mealies are high in protein and calcium and low in fat so they are not going to get to be too fat from eating mealies.  If anything, if they are getting too many mealies and not enough of their normal food, they may not be able to keep enough weight on.  If you start to see undigested parts of mealies in their poop though, that would be your indication that you should pull back on how many mealies they are getting.

Fruits and Veggies:

Most of mine won't eat these although some like cooked peas.  Since my hedgies like their staple food and won't eat much in the way of fruits and veggies, I don't offer them these anymore.  If you want recommendations as to what foods are safe and which ones are not, go to the forums at HedgehogCentral.com

I'll probably add more about feeding and different food options eventually but this is already quite long so I'll leave it there for now.  Feel free to comment with specific questions that you have.  Thanks for reading!

[itsblainedevon]

ONE GLANCE → KLAINE

TAGGING: Blaine Anderson & Kurt Hummel

DATE: Thursday 5th January, 2017

LOCATION: Blaine’s Apartment, NYC

NOTES: After his release from rehab, Blaine’s parents have gotten him a tiny apartment. They bought it outright and until Blaine gets a job, they have decided not to charge him rent. Kurt comes over to welcome Blaine to his new home, and maybe talk about the kiss they shared on Christmas Day. Except it doesn’t quite end how they expect.

ADDITIONAL NOTES: NSFW

BLAINE ANDERSON

Since being released from rehab, things had been strange for Blaine. He found it unusual that he didn't have to get up early to go on the nature walks the clinic insisted on, and he didn't have to go to group therapy, or be around people in different stages of their withdrawal. Of course, Blaine still ​went​ to therapy twice a week, and he attended a group session at a local church with other recovering addicts. It was helping him, really, and for the first time in his life, he was feeling positive. He hadn't heard from James since being released, and he assumed it was due to him attacking him whilst visiting. Blaine had a strong feeling he'd been arrested, but it wasn't something he really wanted to think about.

One thing that was constantly on his mind though was what had happened on Christmas day. He'd kissed Kurt, a ​married​ man, and he didn't know how to feel about it. Of course, he was still in love with the man but there was still the fact he was married. They hadn't really spoken about it since and Kurt hadn't seen him since. But now he was here, in his new apartment, wanting to put things behind them. His parents had bought the apartment and were allowing Blaine to live rent-free until he found himself a stable job where he could support himself. He hadn’t been comfortable with the idea at first, but their insistence won out in the end. It wasn't much - a combined kitchen and lounge, a bathroom and a bedroom. But it was his space, somewhere he could be free and it was his. He couldn’t be happier.

Kurt was coming over to visit though. Blaine didn't have much food in the apartment, or much furniture, so the plan was for them to order pizza and just watch a movie on Blaine's laptop or something. But he'd been cleaning and tidying all afternoon, wanting to make it perfect for Kurt. This was the first time he'd actually see him since leaving rehab, and he wanted to make a good impression.

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt took a deep breath as he exited the cab, small plant in his hands. He was excited to see Blaine but he was also extremely nervous. They hadn't really talked about the kiss, so Kurt wasn't sure if Blaine was just waiting to bring it up until they saw each other in person. Not that Kurt would blame Blaine for wanting to talk about it. He led Blaine on, which resulted in him kissing Kurt. And Kurt even contemplated telling Alex about the kiss but he couldn't. It was only a kiss. And plus, Blaine didn't need Kurt screwing up his life right now.

Kurt walked up to Blaine's door, feeling the butterflies as he knocked on the door. Blaine having his own apartment was a really big deal and he was excited for Blaine.

BLAINE ANDERSON

The knock on the door had Blaine's heart skipping a beat. He immediately got to his feet and brushed his clothes down, hoping he looked presentable. He hadn’t exactly dressed to impress - he was wearing a plain sweatshirt with sweatpants, wanting to be comfortable. He knew he looked nothing like he used to dress, but he supposed that being fresh out of rehab was a good enough excuse. 

Blaine was still learning how to be himself without the drugs, and he was doing so with baby steps. He'd put a little more weight on and looked healthier, he knew that. Sure, there were still dark marks on his arms from where he used to inject himself, and the scars still marred his wrists from his suicide attempt. But he looked healthier, better, and to him, more like himself again.

Blaine opened the door, heart skipping another beat at the sight of Kurt. The small house plant in his arms had Blaine grinning, stepping back a little so he could walk inside, closing the door behind him and biting his lip.

"It's not much," he said quietly. "But it's mine... And it's home... Thank you for coming."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt brightly smiled as soon as Blaine opened the door, feeling his heart leap. "Hello." He walked in, looking around the apartment. It was small but it was perfect for Blaine. He looked back at Blaine, shaking his head. "It's perfect, Blaine. I really like it. It's cozy and I think it's perfect for you. I'm so excited for you, Blainey. You have an apartment."

Kurt then realized that he was still holding the house plant. "Oh, this is for you. It's a housewarming gift." He smiled as he handed the plant to Blaine, blushing a bit.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine grinned at Kurt as he came into the apartment, looking at the plant. He took it from him quickly, ducking his head and grinning. His apartment wasn't much, really, and Blaine set the plant just by his coffee table and stepping back to appreciate it. It definitely made it look more homely, he had to admit.

"Thank you, Kurt," he said quietly, leading him to sit on the small sofa, blushing a little. "I... I don't really have much furniture yet. I mean, I have a bed and a dresser and stuff. But I don't have a TV or anything. I told my mom and dad not to bother with that, because I don't want them spending even more money on me. But I thought we could watch a movie on my laptop or something!"

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt playfully rolled his eyes at Blaine's explanation of his apartment, slipping his jacket off. "It's fine, Blaine. Really. It's a lot more than most people have in their first apartments. And truly, you don't really need a TV when you have a laptop. I basically watch everything off my tablet nowadays. I'm pretty sure I'm fully funding Netflix by how much I binge watch shows on my iPad." Kurt chuckled, placing his stuff on the armrest of the sofa.

He quickly sat down on the sofa, looking up at Blaine. "So, what movie were you thinking of watching? I brought my comfy clothes because I was promised vast amounts of pizza and lounging about. Sorry if I'm being kind of weird. I haven't had anyone to really talk to in the past couple of days. Except for Ollie but I think he's getting annoyed by me." Kurt grinned.

BLAINE ANDERSON

"You're not being weird," Blaine said quickly, smiling at him. "The, uh, the bedroom is through there if you wanted to put your comfy clothes on. Or if you want to just wait, that's fine. And w-we can order what you want for food, I don't mind. Even though I'm eating more than I have done in five years, I don't think I could eat an entire pizza myself. So I'll share mine with you, I think."

Blaine stopped, realising he was rambling, and ducked his head, shrugging his shoulders self-consciously. He was suddenly very aware of his outfit, knowing he didn't look anything at all like he used to, even before the two of them split up. Blaine shifted on the sofa and bit his lip and looking up at Kurt.

"Feel free to tell me to shut up. But, for the record, you always have me to talk to. It's not like I have anyone else to talk to either."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt looked towards the bedroom, reaching for his bag. He had just gotten off of work and instead of going home to change, he brought a change of clothes in his bag. Yes, it might've looked like Kurt was inviting himself over to stay the night but really, he just didn't want to wear his 'uniform' the whole time. "I can wait. I hope you don't mind that I brought a change of clothes. I'm not trying to overextend my stay or anything. I just didn't want to wear my slacks and oxford shirt to hang out." Kurt smiled. "But in regards to food, I was kind of craving pizza ever since you suggested it. We can order two kinds of pizzas and then we can eat off each others. I probably won't eat a while pizza either."

Kurt noticed Blaine blushing and he softly smiled, turning his body towards him. "You don't have to shut up. It's kind of cute when you get all nervous. And I do know that I have you to talk to. I'm just a little lonely since Alex is away on business. Also, I keep forgetting that you're not in rehab anymore. I'm free to talk to you whenever."

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine's cheeks turned pink when he was called cute, shifting on his seat a little. He felt nervous and he wasn't sure why. This was just Kurt. And yet, he wanted to impress him so much. He wanted to make sure Kurt was proud of him and he was willing to do everything in his power to do so. He nodded at him, kicking his shoes off a little and bringing his legs up so they were beneath him, playing with the hem of his sweater.

"We can order what you want," he said in a quiet voice, still clearly nervous. "I don't... I don't mind. And I don't mind what you want to watch either. It's been years since I was able to just sit down and watch a movie, so I don't really know what kind of movies there are, y'know? I didn't... James and I didn't do much movie watching."

Blaine wrinkled his nose at the thought but pushed it out of his mind quickly. Something Kurt said had Blaine tilting his head to the side a little. "I've not been out of rehab for very long, so I can understand why you keep forgetting. It's a little strange for me to be out of there too. I mean, I'm still kind of thinking about the fact I can go and do whatever I want. It's a strange feeling, but it's one I don't ever want to lose."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt had a small inkling as to why Blaine was nervous but he really wished he wasn't. He wanted them to be able to push everything aside and be themselves around each other.

"Okay, so I guess we're having pizza then. I can look up pizza places around here if you want." Kurt smiled, pulling his phone out of his pocket. "I was also thinking that maybe we can watch a movie that's not necessarily new. Like, maybe Moulin Rouge." He looked down at his phone, unsure if Blaine would remember that that was their movie. It was their movie and their song. And if Blaine remembered, would he think that maybe Kurt was leading him on again. Although, that's exactly what Kurt was doing.

"I'll bet it's strange. But I'm happy for you. I'm happy that you're on your road to recovery and that you have your freedom back again. It means that we get to hang out more."

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine nodded when Kurt said he'd look up pizza places, still playing with the bottom of his sweater. He didn't look like himself, he knew that. It was almost like he was a stranger, but he hoped Kurt would still want to spend time with him. He still hoped he'd like him. At the suggestion of Moulin Rouge, Blaine's face lit up and he nodded at him once more.

"Even after all this time, it's my favourite movie," he said, reaching for the laptop his brother had bought for him, searching on his browser for a quick moment before finding a decent copy of the movie, smiling to himself. "I'm definitely open to hanging out with you some more," he said, looking up at him and smiling. "It's nice to be able to do what I want. And eat what I want. And not have someone tell me when to take my meds, even though I always do it at a certain time anyway."

Blaine settled down against the sofa, pressing play on the movie and decided to let Kurt decide what pizzas to order. He sat close to Kurt as the movie began to play, clearly comfortable once again.

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt had to admit that it felt incredible when he saw Blaine's eyes light up when he mentioned Moulin Rouge. There were times when Kurt wondered if he built up their entire relationship in his head. Especially after Blaine disappeared. He was afraid that Blaine never really loved him and that all the special things that they ever did meant nothing to him.

"It's still one of my favorites, too." Kurt smiled, finding a pizza place nearby that delivered. He waited until Blaine finished speaking to call the pizza place, not wanting to interrupt him. "Yeah, well, you got into a routine with your meds so it's probably second nature by now."

Kurt finally called the restaurant and ordered two large pizzas: one with just pepperoni and one with everything. He hung up the phone and looked towards Blaine. "I hoped you don't mind those toppings. I just went with the special they had."

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine watched Kurt order the pizzas, worrying his lower lip through his teeth. He smiled at his words and shook his head fondly, reaching for a blanket and throwing it over their legs. Honestly, for someone so brave and confident, Kurt didn't half worry a lot. But even then, Blaine loved him. God, he really was still in love with his ex, wasn't he? His ​married​ ex. But he'd made the mistake of kissing him once, he wouldn't do it again. No, they had to stay platonic. Kurt loved Alex and Blaine? Blaine had to get over himself already.

"Of course I don't mind. Like I said, I wont eat a lot anyway. I barely ate when I was using, my stomach can't really handle that much food yet. But my doctor said I'll get back to normal at some point. It'll take a good few months though, maybe even years. But look, I've already put weight on!"

Blaine lifted his sweater slightly, laughing quietly at his own stomach before letting his sweater fall, shifting a little closer to Kurt. He let his head rest on his shoulder as the movie played, biting his lip. This was okay, right? He was only leaning on him. And they were watching a movie together, it'd be a bit weird if they didn't sit close together, surely? Blaine pushed the thought from his mind, letting out a sigh of content and making himself comfortable.

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt softly smiled as Blaine placed the blanket over their legs, feeling slightly guilty for having to go change after Blaine so kindly tucked them in. He chuckled as Blaine reminded him that he didn't eat a lot. "I shouldn't have ordered two large pizzas then."

Kurt raised an eyebrow when Blaine lifted his sweater, feeling his heart start to beat faster. He knew that he was supposed to be looking at the fact that Blaine wasn't a skeleton anymore but his eyes wandered. He couldn't help but get a little turned on. He pushed those thoughts aside, laughing along with Blaine. "Okay, I believe you." He grinned, looking back at the screen.

It was several minutes before Kurt realized that Blaine was snuggled up next to him. It was like they went back to their old ways and honestly, it made Kurt so happy. Everything was so easy with Blaine. Usually Kurt felt a need to act a certain way around Alex.

BLAINE ANDERSON

"Oh, I'm sure I'll manage to eat a pretty significant amount. After all pizza is one of my favourite takeaway foods. That, and Chinese. But hey, there's nothing wrong with having cold pizza. Which I'll probably have to end up doing." He smiled at the other man, bumping his shoulder playfully before settling down again. He was quiet for a while, merely watching the screen and the movie play out. It was like nothing had changed between them. Blaine and Kurt were close and it'd be easy to just reach over and take hold of his hand, let him know that he was still there.

But then there was a knock at his door and Blaine sat upright, swallowing hard.

Damn it, he'd gotten comfortable. He had to keep reminding himself that Kurt was a married man and he couldn't have these feelings anymore. He ​couldn't​. But he'd allowed himself to forget, allowed himself to slip back to how they were before everything had happened. Blaine shook himself mentally, looking up at Kurt and giving him a small smile.

"Oh... Oh, that'll be the food," he said, clearly somewhat dazed. "Did you want me to get it? I can find some money..."

KURT HUMMEL

"Cold pizza is the best kind of pizza," Kurt grinned, laughing when Blaine bumped his shoulder. He kept smiling as Blaine settled back beside him, feeling his warm body against him. It was then that Kurt realized that Blaine smelled like Blaine again, which was weird because it wasn't a type of cologne he was smelling. It was Blaine. Maybe it was the fact that Blaine was starting to look like himself again. Before, when Kurt first saw him a couple of months ago, he looked sick. He looked almost frail. But he had the color back in his cheeks and he looked significantly better.

Kurt was jolted out of his thoughts when he suddenly heard a knock at the door, sitting up. He looked over at Blaine and smiled as he shook his head. "No, it's on me. You so graciously invited me over to your place, so dinner is on me." He stood up and walked over to the door, opening it. He quickly paid the delivery guy and then closed the door behind him. He placed the pizza boxes down on the table.

"I think I'm going to go change really quick. I'll be right back." He smiled, grabbing his bag and making his way to Blaine's room.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine opened his mouth to protest, but Kurt was already at the door and paying the delivery driver. He moved his laptop a little to make room for the pizza boxes and nodded at Kurt when he said he was going to get changed. He watched him go, letting out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding. This wasn't complicated, so why was Blaine struggling so much? He had to get it into his head that he and Kurt weren't going to get back together. The kiss had been a mistake on Blaine's part and it was a horrible thing for him to do. Kurt was married. He just had to keep telling himself that.

Blaine didn't want to eat the pizza without Kurt so he settled back against the sofa, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them as he waited for the other man to come back into the room. He'd paused the movie, so the only thing Blaine was really left with now was his thoughts.

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt looked around as he closed Blaine's bedroom door. He knew he was being extremely nosey but he couldn't help himself. He noticed a small notebook in the corner and walked over. He was about to pick it up but realized that it was Blaine's journal. He shook his head as he finally started undressing. He leaned down to grab his pants from the floor when he saw a photo sticking out of the bottom of the notebook. He pulled it out and felt his heart leap when he saw that it was a photo of them. They were in front of their lockers in high school. Kurt wasn't even sure how Blaine had the picture. Unless he had it with him this whole time. Kurt held the photo to his heart, closing his eyes for a second. Despite everything that happened in their five years apart, Kurt couldn't believe that Blaine kept this picture.

Kurt quickly wiped his eyes as he put the picture back, rushing out of the room. "Sorry, that took so long." He smiled, tossing his bag beside the couch and plopping down next to Blaine. "Okay, where were we?"

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine jumped a little when Kurt came back in an apparent hurry, smiling at him. He shook his head, throwing the blanket over their legs once again and pressing play on the laptop. "We were about to eat pizza," he said with a grin, reaching for one of the boxes and opening it. He let out a groan at the sight of it. But he didn't want to start without Kurt, merely settling back down with his head against Kurt's shoulder.

"Help yourself," he said quietly. When he did, Blaine took a slice and bit into it, groaning at the taste. "Oh my god," he said. "This is the best food I've ever tasted. Do you know how long it is since I've eaten a fuckin' pizza? I don't even remember most of the stuff I ate before rehab. This is ​amazing​."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt laughed at Blaine's groan, shaking his head as he took a slice of pizza. "You're such a dork." He smiled as he took a bite, looking over at Blaine. He didn't realize how deprived Blaine was in the past five years and even more in rehab.

"If you think this is good, wait until I take you to Little Italy to have some authentic pizza. It's going to blow your mind. Oh and there's this place down by the Empire State building that has amazing pizza! It's all cheesy and delicious. Especially at 2am." Kurt grinned.

He continued to eat the pizza, casually glancing over at Blaine and noticing that he had pizza sauce on his chin. He softly chuckled as he put his slice of pizza down, turning towards Blaine. "You have something on your chin. Here, let me get it." He leaned over Blaine to grab a napkin before gently wiping his chin.

"There you go," he whispered, looking into Blaine's eyes. Before he knew it, Kurt had leaned forward to press his lips against Blaine's lips. But he didn't pull away as fast as before, instead he lingered a bit. His brain was yelling for him not to do this but his heart was telling a different story. When he finally pulled away, he looked back into Blaine's eyes and searched for a response. "You can't imagine how long I've wanted to do that."

BLAINE ANDERSON

"I am not a dork! I've just been lacking decent food, and a stomach that can actually hold it. I mean, my ​god​, I have missed pizza. Do you remember that time in finals week where you were nearly tearing your hair out so I made you stop studying and ordered a bunch of food for us so we could calm down and relax!" Blaine grinned up at Kurt, happily eating another slide and immediately letting out another groan of satisfaction, leaning back against the sofa a little.

He looked up at Kurt when he cleaned the pizza sauce off his chin, grinning at him. But then there was a moment and his smile was fading ever so slightly. Blaine swallowed hard and suddenly, Kurt's lips were on his once again. He froze a little and when Kurt pulled away, Blaine's hand moved to his lips, touching the spot where Kurt had just kissed him.

"I... Kurt, I..."

His voice trailed into nothing. Because suddenly, nothing else mattered. Blaine leaned forwards, meeting Kurt's lips with his own and kissing him hard, lovingly. He wasn't sure what he was doing but right now? Kurt was all he cared about.

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt vividly remembered that year of finals. He honestly would've made himself sick with all the stress he was putting on himself but Blaine saved the day. He always seemed to know when Kurt needed him the most and vice-versa. It was like they were mentally linked since the day they met.

Kurt's heart was beating out of his chest as he watched Blaine's stunned expression. He hoped that he didn't scurry away, like before because Kurt just wanted to be in this moment with Blaine. He missed the way Blaine's lips felt on his own.

"Don't question it. Just kiss me." He breathed, looking at Blaine's lips.

He let out a sigh of relief when Blaine seemed to throw all caution to the wind and leaned forward to kiss him again. He wrapped his arms around Blaine, pulling him closer. His hands traveled underneath Blaine's sweater, feeling his soft, warm skin. He slightly pulled away. "I want you, Blaine." He breathlessly moaned, looking into Blaine's eyes. "I've been waiting five long years to kiss you again and I fucking want you so bad."

BLAINE ANDERSON

Kurt's words seemed to light something inside Blaine. He allowed him to pull him closer, until he was straddling his lap. Hearing that Kurt wanted him had him shivering. It was like a light had been switched on inside of Blaine. His feelings for Kurt came rushing back and he didn't care that he was a married man. He just wanted to lose himself in those familiar touches. He swallowed hard at the words and nodded, his hands coming to rest on Kurt's chest, playing with the neckline of his t-shirt and biting his lip.

"I want you too," he said quietly. "It's only ever been you, Kurt. Even after everything, it's you. I've never stopped loving you and I've never stopped wanting you."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt's hands moved to Blaine's thighs as he straddled his lap. It was like Kurt was finally able to just let go and give into his urges. With Alex, everything was always so controlled and he always felt like he had to be perfect for him because that's the type of person he deserved. But with Blaine, Kurt felt like it was okay to be messy and flawed because he knew that Blaine would never hold anything against him. And for the first time since Blaine came back into his life, Kurt knew that Blaine would never hurt him again. Blaine loved him. He never stopped loving him.

He looked up at Blaine as he spoke, feeling his hands wander along his neckline. He had been waiting so long to hear those words but a small part of him always knew. Always hoped that Blaine would never stop loving him.

"I never stopped loving you, too. I know it seems like I did but I didn't. My heart has always belonged to you, Blaine." He leaned up to kiss Blaine again, cupping his face in his hands. "I love you, Blaine. I love you so much."

BLAINE ANDERSON

Hearing that Kurt had never stopped loving him had Blaine surging forwards again to crash their lips together. He got to his feet, pulling Kurt with him and led him into the bedroom, swallowing hard when they were in there. It didn't matter that Kurt was married. It didn't matter that Blaine was a complete mess. They loved each other. They always had.

"I love you, Kurt," he said, pulling him closer once again and kissing him lovingly before falling back onto the bed, pulling the other man with him. He wasn't scared either, because he trusted Kurt. Even after everything Blaine had done, he trusted him with his life. "I... I d-don't know how... I don't know what you want to do here," he said, clearly nervous once again. And honestly, Blaine was because he didn't want to push Kurt into anything. "I don't know how far you want to... I mean, I'm c-clean again but... I'm sorry, I'll shut up."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt smiled as Blaine suddenly stopped kissing him and pulled him up off the couch. He could feel the butterflies as Blaine led him towards his room, unsure as to what exactly was going to happen. But no mattered what happened, Kurt wanted this. He knew that he was married and technically, this was wrong but he'll deal with that guilt later. Right now he wanted to focus on Blaine and how much he missed being this close to him.

Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine again as he kissed him, letting out a small yelp when they collapsed onto the bed. He softly smiled when he noticed that Blaine had suddenly become self-conscious about all of this. He reached for Blaine's hand, lacing their fingers together. "I want to make love to you. I know that sounds cheesy but I want to be with you... fully." He whispered, pressing a small kiss on Blaine's lips.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Make love. That was something he hadn't done in a long time. Blaine swallowed hard, glancing at their hands, fingers intertwined with one another, and gave a quiet sigh. He loved Kurt, he loved him with everything he had and he wanted this. But he didn't want to disappoint him, didn't want to ruin his life all over again.

"Okay," he said quietly, leaning up to kiss Kurt back gently. His actions were much more tender now, as though he was afraid Kurt would change his mind. But regardless, his hands moved to rest on Kurt's hips, pulling him a little closer to him. "It's... It's been a long time since I... you know. Not had sex, but had sex for p-pleasure. I... I want this to be good for you, Kurt."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt could see the wheels turning in Blaine's head, aware that he wasn't so aggressive with his kisses. He knew that Blaine was being cautious because of everything that had hapened with the past but Kurt wasn't worried. He could tell this was something they both wanted but they were both a little nervous. It had been five years since they last slept together and they weren't the same people anymore. But their love for each other was still very evident.

Kurt softly smiled as Blaine pulled him closer, loving how delicate he was with his touches. As much as he wanted to assure Blaine that he didn't have to be so careful with him, he didn't want Blaine to feel like he was doing anything wrong. He brought his hand up to brush the curls from Blaine's forehead, looking into the other man's eyes.

"I can promise you that it'll be good for me, Blaine. The only thing that matters to me is you."

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine's cheeks turned pink at Kurt's words and he nodded at him. The gentle touches were welcomed and he closed his eyes as the curls were brushed from his forehead, giving a sigh. It'd been years since he'd worn gel in his hair, but he'd always loved it when Kurt played with his hair. It still relaxed him, even after all this time.

Each of their movements was careful, gentle, and Blaine loved it. He leaned up to kiss Kurt gently, pulling his sweatshirt over his head and leaving him in just a t-shirt and sweatpants. Suddenly, Blaine was very conscious of the dark marks on his arms and the scars on the insides of his wrists, and he blushed, sitting up a little and pulling away and hiding his arms.

"I'm... I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I... I c-can put my sweatshirt back on if you want. Sorry."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt rested his hand on Blaine's chest as he kissed him. He knew that Blaine was going slow because he was nervous but Kurt couldn't help but get turned on. It was like every single touch was heightened. But he frowned when Blaine stopped, looking up at him. He hadn't even noticed the marks on Blaine's arms because he was too preoccupied at the moment.

"No, it's okay." Kurt softly smiled, sitting up. "Don't apologize. I honestly wasn't even looking at your arms." He cupped Blaine's face in his hands and pressed a kiss to his lips. "There's no need to be self-conscious around me." He whispered in between kisses. He pulled off Blaine's hoodie and tossed it to the side. He then pulled his own sweater over his head, slightly shivering when he was just in his tank top.

"I just realized that I didn't have to change earlier." He chuckled, shaking his head.

BLAINE ANDERSON

The touch to his face had Blaine freezing, as though Kurt had yelled. He swallowed hard at the kiss and shrugged his shoulders self-consciously. But then suddenly his hoodie was being tossed aside, leaving his arms bare. He went to protest but then Kurt was taking his own hoodie off. He was still incredibly conscious of the fact his scars were on display. He'd made ever effort to hide them over the last few months - even his parents hadn't seen them since the beginning, and Blaine was scared to let anyone in, really.

"You're not going to be wearing clothes for much longer," Blaine said quietly, reaching for the hem of Kurt's tank top and pulling it over his head gently. Blaine reached for his own, pulling it from his body and leaving the two men there in just their pants. Blaine leaned up and kissed Kurt tenderly, pulling him closer once more.

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt knew that he should've been a little more conscious of Blaine's discomfort about his scars but he couldn't help it. He needed this. He needed to feel something other than guilt for still being married. He knew that he shouldn't have married Alex the moment that he saw Blaine. Because no matter what, Kurt was always going to be tethered to Blaine. Kurt had always believed that Blaine was his soulmate; his other half. And despite all the shit that Blaine had put Kurt through, he still loved him. He still fiercely loved him and it terrified Kurt because that meant Blaine could hurt him all over again if he decided that this was all too much for him.

Kurt lifted his arms as Blaine removed his tank top, letting Blaine take control. He wrapped his arms around Blaine's waist as he pulled him closer to kiss him. He discreetly slipped off his wedding ring and slipped it into his pocket as he delved deeper into the kiss.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine didn't notice Kurt slipping his wedding ring off. All he could really focus on was how he felt against him, kissing him tenderly. He wasn't used to such gentleness and it had definitely been a while since he felt good about being so exposed for someone. Normally, they didn't care about his comfort; they just wanted a quick, dirty fuck and to be done with him. But now? Now Blaine had someone who actually cared for him.

He could feel himself getting aroused and Blaine rolled his hips up gently, pressing them against Kurt's and giving a tiny, barely-there moan. One of his hands moved slowly, slipping inside Kurt's sweatpants and underwear, and stroking him slowly. He wanted the other man to feel good. Because deep down, Blaine didn't feel like he deserved to feel good. All he was good for was someone else's pleasure, that was what James had told him.

"I l-love you," he said in a soft voice, as though surprised he'd said it, still stroking his slowly hardening length. "God, I love you, Kurt. I want you to feel good, you deserve it."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt was fully aware of Blaine's erection pressing up against him, smirking as he moaned. It was a good feeling knowing that he still had to ability to easily turn him on. But before he had time to gloat, he felt Blaine's hand slip into his sweatpants. His breath hitched as Blaine slowly started giving his handjob.

"Fuck... Blaine," he moaned, closing his eyes and throwing his head back. He could feel himself getting hard, pushing himself against Blaine's hand.

Kurt opened his eyes at Blaine's words, looking right into his eyes. "I love you, too." He breathed, feeling like he was on cloud nine at the moment. "You are totally succeeding in making me feel good." He smiled, leaning forward to kiss Blaine again. "But let's be honest, you've never had trouble making me feel good."

BLAINE ANDERSON

Kurt reacting to his touch had Blaine's cheeks flushing and he was immediately stroking him a little faster, biting his lip ever so slightly. He'd missed this. Yes, it was true that he'd missed Kurt and had missed being with him, he'd also missed simple intimacy. It was nice not to have to worry about whether the person he was sleeping with was going to try and kill him afterwards to avoid paying.

"And y-you never had any trouble making me feel good," he said gently, beginning to kiss down his neck. He knew he had lube and condoms somewhere. It was a dark thought, but if he ever resorted back to sleeping with people for money, he wanted to make sure he was ready this time. Blaine had the all clear from the doctor, he no longer had any sexually transmitted infections or the like. He wasn't going to let it happen again.

Blaine pulled his hand away from Kurt reluctantly and began to push his sweatpants down, as well as his own, leaving them both naked. Blaine blushed beneath Kurt's gaze, one of his hands coming up to brush the side of his cheek. He couldn't help it. Even now, Blaine was surprised that Kurt wanted to be near him.

"I... I w-want you inside me," he said quietly. "I've missed you. I only ever wanted it to be you, Kurt. N-No one else."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt let out a low whine as Blaine started stroking him faster, throwing his head back again. He knew that he should feel guilty about the fact that Blaine was doing all the word but he couldn't tell him to stop. Not when he was craving this type of intimacy with Blaine. He had secretly wanted this ever since he reconnected with Blaine. He bit his lip as Blaine started placing kisses along his neck, gripping the blankets beneath him.

Kurt frowned as Blaine suddenly removed his hand, looking over at him. He was about to ask what happened but was cut off when Blaine tugged at his pants. He smiled as lifted his hips so that Blaine could fully undress him, watching as Blaine did the same. He knew it sounded silly but he was actually nervous about sleeping with Blaine after all these years. This was all he had ever dreamed about ever since Blaine disappeared but what if he wasn't what Blaine wanted anymore. What if he realized that Kurt wasn't that good?

He softly smiled as Blaine touched his cheek, leaning into his touch. All his insecurities melted away when Blaine spoke, quickly leaning forward to press his lips gainst Blaine's lips. "I've missed you, too. But I... I don't have any condoms or lube. I didn't think that this was going to happen." He whispered.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine swallowed hard, shifting a little on the bed so he could gesture to the bedside table. "I... I have condoms and lube," he said quietly. "I w-wanted to make sure I had them, you know? J-Just in case... I'm clean and I never want to get another STD again, so I made sure I had condoms. And l-lube is for... You know, masturbating."

His cheeks burned at the words, although he knew it was stupid. They were both here, completely naked, and yet Blaine was shy talking about it. It was ridiculous, especially as they'd already had sex before. Several times - they were horny teenagers once, after all. He pushed his embarrassment to the side, leaning up to kiss Kurt tenderly, a hand coming up to tangle in his hair.

"W-We don't have to do anything if you don't want to," he said. "I won't make you. I just... I've missed you so much, Kurt."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt tried to hide his grin as Blaine spoke, noticing him start to blush. It was actually quite cute how embarrassed Blaine was getting with all this. Kurt would assume that Blaine would be a pro at all this after everything that he did with James. But it made sense why he was nervous. Kurt knew that James forced Blaine into a lot of his sexual encounters.

He happily hummed as Blaine kissed him, feeling him run his fingers through his hair. He wondered if Blaine remembered that Kurt loved when he did that or if it was just a coincidence. Either way, he was loving it.

"I want to do this." Kurt quickly assured Blaine. "I've wanted this for so long. I honestly thought that I would never get to do this again with you. You're my be-all and end-all. It was always going to be you and you can't imagine how it feels to finally have you in my life again. I just want to be with you again."

BLAINE ANDERSON

Those words were all Blaine really needed. He leaned up to kiss Kurt again, rolling them over carefully so he was straddling him. He grinned down at him, leaning down to kiss him tenderly, rolling their hips together again. This was what he wanted, he knew that. So Blaine began to kiss down Kurt's jaw, slowly making his way down his chest. He nipped at the skin gently, one of his hands finding his and lacing their fingers together.

Blaine kept moving his body down Kurt's until he was at his waist. With a glance up at the other man, he wrapped his lips around the head of Kurt's length, his free hand moving to stroke him gently as he teased the head. Blaine still wanted to have sex with Kurt, of course he did. But he also wanted him to feel good and he knew this was one of Kurt's favourite things. Not to mention, Blaine was damn good at going down on people.

He hummed around him happily and took more of Kurt into his mouth, until he could feel him at the back of his throat. With another glance at Kurt, Blaine began to bob his head, letting his eyes slip close as he worked to make Kurt feel good.

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt smirked as Blaine finally stopped being so self-conscious and really started kissing him. He knew that he was trying to be careful but Kurt was completely fine with being rough. His breath hitched as Blaine moved to straddle him before pressing kisses along his jaw. "Yes," he moaned, throwing his head back. Blaine always had the ability to make go crazy with the simplest touches.

It suddenly dawned on Kurt what Blaine was about to do as he made his way down his torso. He looked down at Blaine, gently squeezing his hand as to say that he was ready to have his mind blown by Blaine's talented mouth. He bit his lip as he watched Blaine slowly go down on him, closing his eyes in ecstasy. He always loved when Blaine gave him a blowjob. Kurt never seemed to get the hang of giving blowjobs but Blaine was a pro at it. It was quite impressive back then and by the way Kurt was moaning at the moment, Blaine was still amazing.

"Shit, Blaine," he gasped as Blaine took him in deeper. He couldn't help but buck his hips as Blaine started bobbing his head. He gripped the sheets beneath him with his free hand as he closed his eyes.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Kurt bucking his hips was hot and he loved it. Every single reaction coming from the other man had him groaning loudly around him and he continued to move his head, determined to make him feel good. He trusted Kurt to warn him when he was close, and had absolutely no issue with doing this until he told him to stop. Blaine just wanted Kurt to feel good, that's all.

He was hard and bucked his own hips down against the bed, as though to relieve himself of the tension that was building inside of him. He ached to be touched, ached for Kurt to just make him feel good, like he used to. But he wanted this to last, which was why he was enjoying going down on Kurt so much.

After a while - when he felt Kurt's hips twitching and heard his breathing change - Blaine pulled away from him, slowly crawling back up his body and smiling down at him, pressing a gentle kiss to his jaw.

"I love you, Kurt."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt knew deep down that he shouldn't be comparing Blaine to Alex but he couldn't help it. He had only ever been with the two men in his whole life. And not to say that he didn't enjoy sex with Alex because it was good. Blaine was just... mind-blowing. He wasn't sure if it was because Blaine knew him so well that he could always decipher the perfect way to please Kurt. Or if it was the fact that Kurt connected with Blaine on a whole other level since the day they met. Kurt never believed in true soulmates until he met Blaine. He knew back then that Blaine was his other half and that no amount of time would ever change that.

Kurt didn't want Blaine to stop but he knew that if he was extremely close. But before he could say anything, he felt the absence of Blaine's mouth around his cock. He smiled as Blaine made his way up, bringing his hand up touch Blaine's cheek as he kissed his jaw. "I love you, too. So, so much, Blaine." He breathed.

He rolled over so that he was on top now, grinning as he straddled Blaine. "Now, it's my turn to make you feel good." He bit his lip as he leaned over to grab the lube. He popped open the cap and lathered up his fingers before leaning down to kiss Blaine. "Ready?" He whispered as he slowly inserted two fingers into Blaine.

BLAINE ANDERSON

It didn't matter how long it'd been. Every time Kurt said that, Blaine's stomach would do a backflip. Because even now, after all these years and after all the hurt and misery Blaine had obviously caused for Kurt, he still loved him. The other man still loved him. Blaine knew he didn't deserve Kurt, of course he didn't. Kurt deserved so much better than a washed-up old junkie. Blaine closed his eyes, forcing himself to remember that he was changing. He was getting better, and that was what mattered. He was clean and the marks on his arms would serve as a permanent reminder of what he was trying to do. Get better.

When Kurt rolled them over and straddled him, Blaine gave a quiet laugh. He looked up at the other man and leaned up to kiss him gently before pulling back. Kurt reached for the lube and Blaine swallowed hard. But then Kurt was kissing him again and Blaine felt nothing but relaxed. He nodded at the question, even if he didn't feel entirely ready for this, and reached for Kurt's cheek, stroking over it gently.

But then he was pressing two fingers inside of him and Blaine let out a low groan, opening his legs a little wider. For a moment, he remembered what it had been like with those countless men. Not one of them cared about Blaine's pleasure and only wanted to use him for their own. But here Kurt was, being as gentle as possible with him. And god, it made his heart ache.

Blaine rolled his hips against Kurt's fingers, reaching for his free hand to lace their fingers together. "I love you," he said once again. It didn't matter how many times he said it, so long as Kurt believed him. "God, I love you so much. I c-can take more, I promise."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt slowly scissored his fingers, not wanting to be too rough. He knew that Blaine wanted this but he didn't want to do anything to trigger him. He was fresh out of rehab and Kurt was positive that it had been years since Blaine slept with someone of his own free will. Then there was the fact it had been five years since they had sex. Kurt didn't want anything to ruin this experience for Blaine.

He bit his lower lip as Blaine rolled his hips, feeling him clench around his fingers. He could feel himself getting harder by the second but he wasn't going to rush this until Blaine was ready. He smiled as Blaine told him that he loved him again, fully aware that his heart skipped a beat every time he heard those words from Blaine. He loved him.

"You can't imagine how I've missed hearing those three words coming from your mouth." He smiled as he inserted another finger as he pressed his lips against Blaine's lips. "I missed you so fucking much, Blaine."

BLAINE ANDERSON

Kurt's fingers inside of him felt amazing, he had to admit. Blaine loved him and he loved being with Kurt. He was hard and his hand moved down to stroke himself slowly, trying to relieve some of the tension he could feel. But he quickly moved his hand away again, not wanting to come already. That would be embarrassing. But ​god​, it'd been so long since Blaine had had sex for pleasure. And he knew Kurt wouldn't mind if he came now.

"I've missed you too," he said in a low, almost husky voice, trying to distract himself from how aroused he was. There were three fingers moving inside of him now and every single gentle thrust from Kurt had Blaine letting out a soft whine, holding the other man closer to him. He knew he was ready, but he didn't want to lose this moment. It was the most intimate Blaine had been with anyone in years. His arms were wrapped around Kurt and his face was buried in his neck, moaning softly into the skin.

"Please," he said quietly, pulling back a little to look at him properly, pressing another gentle kiss to his lips. "Please, Kurt, I can't wait anymore. I h-have to feel you inside of me again. I've missed you."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt practically let out a sigh of relief when Blaine stated that he was ready, giving a small nod. He wasn't sure how much longer he could've lasted. He slowly removed his fingers, quietly apologizing when he heard Blaine hiss. He then reached over to grab a condom, tearing it open with his teeth. He was so anxious to finally be able to do this with Blaine that his hands slightly shook as he slipped on the condom. He quickly lubed up again before positioning himself with Blaine's entrance.

"Okay, now feel free to tell me if I'm going too slow or too fast. I want you to feel comfortable," he pressed a kiss to Blaine's collarbone. "And satisfied." He smirked, carefully inserting himself into Blaine. He slowly began to rock his hips, pressing kisses along Blaine's jawline.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine hissed quietly as Kurt pulled out of him, shifting his hips a little. He watched as Kurt slipped a condom on, swallowing hard. He was ready for this, he knew it. He'd missed Kurt more than he cared to admit and he was more than ready to do this. The kiss to his collarbone and had Blaine letting out a low groan, letting his head fall back against the pillows for a moment. But then Kurt was pushing inside of him and Blane was moaning again, a little louder this time.

"T-This is perfect," he said quietly, hand coming up again to play with Kurt's hair. "This is more than perfect." The gentle rocking of Kurt's hips had Blaine groaning quietly. It'd been a long time since he'd been like this with anyone, where they had had sex just for pleasure rather than a way of Blaine earning money. It was different, but it was amazing and for Blaine, it was like nothing had changed from the last time he was with Kurt.

With every thrust, he was letting out a quiet moan, gently moving Kurt's head so he could kiss him tenderly, arching his back a little off the bed. A part of him wanted to roll them over but for now, Blaine was more than content with this, arms wrapped around Kurt's strong body.

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt moaned as Blaine played with his hair, feeling him slightly tug. He honestly couldn't believe how amazing it felt to be with Blaine again. He was so scared that it would feel different because of everything that they've been through but it didn't. It felt like he was reconnecting with a lost love. It felt like this is who he was meant to be with.

He closed his eyes as he gradually quickened his pace, letting out a low groan. He smiled as Blaine moved his head so that he could kiss him, gently moving his hand to caress Blaine's cheek. "I love you. And I want to be with you, Blaine. I don't ever want to be with anyone but you. God, I love you so fucking much, Blaine." Kurt breathlessly moaned, wanting to stay in this moment forever.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine wanted this to last. He didn't want this to be over too quickly and rolled them over carefully, keeping Kurt inside of him. He gracefully draped his body over Kurt's, grinding his hips down at a slow, steady pace. His movements were gentle and for the first time in years, Blaine was making love. It made him want to cry and he reached down, guiding Kurt's hands to his hips and moaning with every single movement.

"I love you so much too," he said in a gentle voice, swallowing hard. "I don't want anyone else either. I just want you." Blaine leaned up a little, hand moving to his own length so he could stroke himself gently. Still, it didn't feel as good as Kurt. "I never want to stop, Kurt."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt smirked as Blaine rolled them over, loving how he was taking control of the situation. He moaned as Blaine started grinding his hips, noticing that this was significantly different than before. Before, they were young and reckless and every time they had sex was it frantic. And yes, it was amazing but this time felt more intimate. Kurt gently squeezed Blaine's hips as he bucked his own hips.

Kurt felt his heart skip a beat at Blaine's words, ecstatic that Blaine felt the same. He leaned forward to press a kiss to Blaine's lips, moving his hand over to Blaine's length. "Let me do that," he whispered, moving his hand in sync with his own cock inside of Blaine.

"I never want to stop either. I want to stay with you forever," Kurt moaned.

BLAINE ANDERSON

 Every one of Blaine's senses seemed to be heightened. Every touch was like fire, the sounds of Kurt's moans seemed to echo in his ears. God, everything about this moment was nothing short of perfection.

As soon as Kurt reached for him to stroke him, Blaine knew he wouldn't last much longer. He kept his hips at the same steady pace as before, but moved them with more rhythm, so Kurt was fucking him deeper with every thrust.

"I'm so close," he managed to say, leaning down to kiss Kurt again. And it was true, he was. There was a knot in the pit of his stomach, they tension ready to snap at any moment.

And then it did, and Blaine was coming over Kurt's hand with a filthy moan. He continued to grind his hips against Kurt's, fucking down a little harder, although he kept the intimacy as he came down from his high, still whimpering softly, though the sounds were muffled in Kurt's neck.

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt let out a high-pitched whine as Blaine pushed down deeper onto him, grabbing Blaine's ass. He could feel himself reaching his climax but he tried to hold off. Although it was extremely difficult when Blaine looked absolutely amazing on top of him. So, when Blaine admitted that he was close as well, he let out a sigh of relief.

"It's okay, just let go, Blainey." He smiled, thrusting harder into Blaine. He suddenly felt Blaine come and he knew that it was okay for him to let go as well. He closed his eyes as he gave one last thrust into Blaine, trying to catch his breath.

"That was amazing," he grinned, wrapping his arms around Blaine and kissing his temple.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine knew when Kurt was coming from the way his hips moved. It was still intimate but there was a sense of urgency now and Blaine let out a quiet moan with every thrust from Kurt. When he felt the arms wrap around him, Blaine let out a sigh of content and allowed himself to fall into the arms, closing his eyes.

"It was," he replied honestly. Because really, that was the first time he had enjoyed sex in ​years​. And better yet, it was with Kurt. Blaine knew things were anything but simple. They would have a whole world of fallout to deal with after this. But right now, he was more than content with letting Kurt hold him.

Blaine slowly raised his hips, allowing Kurt to slip out of him and carefully removed the condom from him, tying it and tossing into the trash. Blaine froze, realising he was doing everything for Kurt and his cheeks turned pink. He slowly moved so he was laying next to Kurt once more, pulling the blankets up with him and curling into the other man's side.

"I love you."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt tried not to think about how fucked up things were now that he was with Blaine. How he was going to tell Alex that their marriage was over. How he was going to have to break his heart. But doesn't Kurt's feelings mean anything? He wasn't happy with Alex; he was going through the motions. He was pretending to be who everyone wanted him to be. But Kurt wasn't perfect. He was complicated and messy. And he was irrevocably in love with Blaine Anderson.

He hissed as Blaine lifted off of him so that he could pull out. He was about to removed the condom when instead Blaine did it instead. He smiled as Blaine did all the work, watching as he took care of him. He felt his heart swell when Blaine took his place next to him, immediately wrapping his arms around him.

"I love you, too. So, so much, Blaine." He smiled, pressing a kiss to his lips as he trailed his hand up Blaine's arm

BLAINE ANDERSON

Feeling Kurt's fingers running down his arm was nice. This? This was familiar to Blaine. But at the same time, it was something he wasn't used to. Blaine was used to being used and thrown aside, he was used to people wanting to hurt him just so they could satisfy their own desperate need. But Kurt wasn't like that. He genuinely cared about Blaine, and he'd wanted to make him feel good.

"I know things are going to be a little messy for a while. But I'm glad I have you. I... I'm glad you were there. That night, in the strip club. I'm glad your friends decided to take you there. If it wasn't for that night, and if it wasn't for you, I'd probably be exactly where I was. I'd still be... that person."

Blaine shifted a little closer to Kurt, puling the blanket a little higher so he could feel more comfortable. He nuzzled into his side, one of his arms slowly curling around the other man's body.

"But right now, I feel like I'm at home."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt's heart clenched as he spoke, knowing that everything he said was true. It would be perfect if they both didn't have baggage and if they were the same people they were five years ago. But they weren't. Kurt was married and Blaine was a recovering addict who didn't need any drama from Kurt. Or maybe Kurt was exactly who Blaine needed. Kurt knew for a fact that he could love and care for Blaine like no other.

His eyes lingered on the fading track marks on Blaine's arm and then, on the scar from his suicide attempt. He took a deep breath and tried not to think about that day. "I'm glad I found you, too. And I'm glad you let me help you." He closed his eyes as he held Blaine closer.

Kurt softly smiled, running his fingers through Blaine's curls. "You are home. Messy or not, I'm not going anywhere. I lost you once but I'm not going to lose you again."

[jesseneufeld]

Success Story: Life After Cravings

It’s Monday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Monday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

Folks, I have been grateful for every story that has come my way over the years. It’s an incredible privilege being on the receiving end of your reflections and evolutions, and they are why I’ve kept at it all these years—knowing the message and information have made a difference in people’s lives. I appreciate every single one. Here, you’ll read about a woman who went through a long period of trial-and-error and ultimately realized that conventional advice was hindering her progress. Thank you to reader, Karine, for sharing your story, and for using your personal transformation to inspire others as a health coach and mentor!

  Switzerland, April 2008, I decide to get ski-fit. I think I am healthier than the average. I am not eating junk food, not smoking and not drinking alcohol. But I am very sedentary, apart from a bit of skiing in winter. I am already a decent skier but need to be fitter to go back-country skiing. This is when you climb the mountain with skins under your skis to find true off-piste skiing.

I buy a gym membership and quickly become addicted. I start lifting (very light) weights every day. I also throw in some cardio to lean out and increase my stamina. I start reading articles about nutrition and fitness and change my nutrition. I follow the nutritional advice from the fitness industry: 5 to 6 meals a day, very high in lean proteins for muscle synthesis and very high in carbs for energy. I am not a big meat eater and there is just so much chicken breast that I can eat everyday! I have to supplement with a lot of protein powder. I am convinced I am doing the right thing.

Australia, 2017. After 9 years of training, I am much fitter, have more stamina and can lift “decent” weights. But I still do not look lean and toned. My first DEXA scan gives me 26% body fat. Very average and unfair, considering that I am training 2.5 hours a day and not over-eating! And I am starving ALL THE TIME. I cannot go 2 hours without eating. Food becomes an obsession and a constant struggle. I also have really bad cravings for sugary food. I need so much will-power to resist banana bread and cookies or not to go overboard with fruits. I eat about 2,200 calories a day, as I exercise a lot, but I am never satiated. According to the calorie in / calorie out principle, I should be losing weight. But this is just not happening. It DOES NOT WORK. Something has to change.

The Shift to a Life Without Cravings

July 2018, I start the Primal Health Coach course. This is a revelation. My big AHA moment. I understand that if I eat a lot of carbs or even very lean proteins, I raise my insulin, which puts me in a fat storage mode. And it is even worse as I eat 6 meals a day. I remain in a fat storage mode all day! The calories in / calories out concept just doesn’t take into account the physiology of our body and how different macronutrients are metabolized differently. It suddenly all makes sense!! I understand why I am so hungry all the time, why I am bloated and have cravings. This is such a relief: I now know what to do. But it is also so frustrating. I have basically wasted 9 years working out super hard to improve my body composition, without any success.

I change my nutrition right away. I start with paleo, low carb, high fat. Mind-blowing! After one week, all my hunger and cravings are gone. I am not bloated anymore. After two weeks, I start losing weight. I decide to go full keto. So easy, and the food is delicious. I love all the healthy fats: avocados, macadamia and pecan nuts, olive oil, fatty pieces of meat. Yum! I don’t feel restricted at all. On the contrary, I don’t think about food all the time anymore and don’t even crave unhealthy processed and sugary foods. After 6 months, my body fat percentage is down to 21%. I still eat the same amount of calories as before, but with different macro nutrients.

I am no longer hungry in the morning and it is also very convenient. I continue to lose some excess fat. After a year and a half on keto, I am now around 16% body fat, which seems to be my happy set point. I am now regaining a bit of weight, but it is only muscles! Six months in, I stop the cardio. I realize that I was overtraining, and my stress levels are a bit high. I also start time restricting eating. I skip breakfast and have a larger lunch and dinner. It is actually very easy.

Not bad for a 47 year old. And all these improvements without much effort. I really wish I had known all this back in 2008…

Mental Benefits of Keto

The other benefits I can see of going keto are that I am far less anxious and stressed than before, and my mood is more stable. I have never suffered from brain fog, but my brain feels super clear in the morning, when I am fasted. And if I am away from home without access to healthy food, I can skip a meal without being hungry.

In the meantime, I discover that I am highly toxic in heavy metals, especially arsenic and mercury. Probably from low-quality protein powders, tap water, dental fillings and conventional food. Another big awakening! I ditch all my conventional cosmetics and cleaning products and replace them with organic non-toxic products. I install a reverse osmosis water filtration system and start buying organic veggies, pasture-raised and grass-fed meat. The heavy metals are going down, but I probably need another year or two to get rid of them.

Sharing what I’ve learned

After taking the Primal Health Coach certification course, I continue studying nutrition with two courses from the Nutrition Network: Low Carbohydrate High Fat / Ketogenic Nutrition & Treatment and LCHF in Clinical Practice. I also start studying the other pillars of a healthy lifestyle: sleep optimization, stress management, exercise and toxin reduction. I am now officially a health coach and nutritionist and start coaching friends and relatives.

The more I learn, the more frustrated I am with the poorly researched, wrong or conflicting mainstream information about nutrition and so-called healthy lifestyles. I realize that, when I talk to people about bad oils, added sugar, excess carbs and gluten, about going to bed at 10 pm to get 8 hours of sleep, about grounding or turning off their phone at night, they look at me as if I were coming from another planet. They have heard a different message pretty much since they were born and it is difficult for me to prove my point over a fifteen-minute conversation.

September 2019. I set up my own website and start blogging about nutrition, sleep, stress, toxins, exercise and anything that can help people getting healthier and feel better. I keep the articles short: a bit of information on how our physiology works and many practical tips that are easy to squeeze into our busy days and have be proven by the research to work.

I just want to raise awareness. It is not because a product is sold in our favorite supermarket that it is healthy. Our modern lifestyles are harmful in so many ways and it is not enough to just avoid junk food and give up smoking. We need to do much more than that: pay attention to what we buy, how much we move, what we think about, the water we drink and how we use technology. We all need to be so much more mindful. We can no longer be on auto-pilot and hope that we will stay healthy. This was my realization anyway. I hope it will make your readers think about it.

Karine

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[lauramalchowblog]

Success Story: Life After Cravings

It’s Monday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Monday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

Folks, I have been grateful for every story that has come my way over the years. It’s an incredible privilege being on the receiving end of your reflections and evolutions, and they are why I’ve kept at it all these years—knowing the message and information have made a difference in people’s lives. I appreciate every single one. Here, you’ll read about a woman who went through a long period of trial-and-error and ultimately realized that conventional advice was hindering her progress. Thank you to reader, Karine, for sharing your story, and for using your personal transformation to inspire others as a health coach and mentor!

  Switzerland, April 2008, I decide to get ski-fit. I think I am healthier than the average. I am not eating junk food, not smoking and not drinking alcohol. But I am very sedentary, apart from a bit of skiing in winter. I am already a decent skier but need to be fitter to go back-country skiing. This is when you climb the mountain with skins under your skis to find true off-piste skiing.

I buy a gym membership and quickly become addicted. I start lifting (very light) weights every day. I also throw in some cardio to lean out and increase my stamina. I start reading articles about nutrition and fitness and change my nutrition. I follow the nutritional advice from the fitness industry: 5 to 6 meals a day, very high in lean proteins for muscle synthesis and very high in carbs for energy. I am not a big meat eater and there is just so much chicken breast that I can eat everyday! I have to supplement with a lot of protein powder. I am convinced I am doing the right thing.

Australia, 2017. After 9 years of training, I am much fitter, have more stamina and can lift “decent” weights. But I still do not look lean and toned. My first DEXA scan gives me 26% body fat. Very average and unfair, considering that I am training 2.5 hours a day and not over-eating! And I am starving ALL THE TIME. I cannot go 2 hours without eating. Food becomes an obsession and a constant struggle. I also have really bad cravings for sugary food. I need so much will-power to resist banana bread and cookies or not to go overboard with fruits. I eat about 2,200 calories a day, as I exercise a lot, but I am never satiated. According to the calorie in / calorie out principle, I should be losing weight. But this is just not happening. It DOES NOT WORK. Something has to change.

The Shift to a Life Without Cravings

July 2018, I start the Primal Health Coach course. This is a revelation. My big AHA moment. I understand that if I eat a lot of carbs or even very lean proteins, I raise my insulin, which puts me in a fat storage mode. And it is even worse as I eat 6 meals a day. I remain in a fat storage mode all day! The calories in / calories out concept just doesn’t take into account the physiology of our body and how different macronutrients are metabolized differently. It suddenly all makes sense!! I understand why I am so hungry all the time, why I am bloated and have cravings. This is such a relief: I now know what to do. But it is also so frustrating. I have basically wasted 9 years working out super hard to improve my body composition, without any success.

I change my nutrition right away. I start with paleo, low carb, high fat. Mind-blowing! After one week, all my hunger and cravings are gone. I am not bloated anymore. After two weeks, I start losing weight. I decide to go full keto. So easy, and the food is delicious. I love all the healthy fats: avocados, macadamia and pecan nuts, olive oil, fatty pieces of meat. Yum! I don’t feel restricted at all. On the contrary, I don’t think about food all the time anymore and don’t even crave unhealthy processed and sugary foods. After 6 months, my body fat percentage is down to 21%. I still eat the same amount of calories as before, but with different macro nutrients.

I am no longer hungry in the morning and it is also very convenient. I continue to lose some excess fat. After a year and a half on keto, I am now around 16% body fat, which seems to be my happy set point. I am now regaining a bit of weight, but it is only muscles! Six months in, I stop the cardio. I realize that I was overtraining, and my stress levels are a bit high. I also start time restricting eating. I skip breakfast and have a larger lunch and dinner. It is actually very easy.

Not bad for a 47 year old. And all these improvements without much effort. I really wish I had known all this back in 2008…

Mental Benefits of Keto

The other benefits I can see of going keto are that I am far less anxious and stressed than before, and my mood is more stable. I have never suffered from brain fog, but my brain feels super clear in the morning, when I am fasted. And if I am away from home without access to healthy food, I can skip a meal without being hungry.

In the meantime, I discover that I am highly toxic in heavy metals, especially arsenic and mercury. Probably from low-quality protein powders, tap water, dental fillings and conventional food. Another big awakening! I ditch all my conventional cosmetics and cleaning products and replace them with organic non-toxic products. I install a reverse osmosis water filtration system and start buying organic veggies, pasture-raised and grass-fed meat. The heavy metals are going down, but I probably need another year or two to get rid of them.

Sharing what I’ve learned

After taking the Primal Health Coach certification course, I continue studying nutrition with two courses from the Nutrition Network: Low Carbohydrate High Fat / Ketogenic Nutrition & Treatment and LCHF in Clinical Practice. I also start studying the other pillars of a healthy lifestyle: sleep optimization, stress management, exercise and toxin reduction. I am now officially a health coach and nutritionist and start coaching friends and relatives.

The more I learn, the more frustrated I am with the poorly researched, wrong or conflicting mainstream information about nutrition and so-called healthy lifestyles. I realize that, when I talk to people about bad oils, added sugar, excess carbs and gluten, about going to bed at 10 pm to get 8 hours of sleep, about grounding or turning off their phone at night, they look at me as if I were coming from another planet. They have heard a different message pretty much since they were born and it is difficult for me to prove my point over a fifteen-minute conversation.

September 2019. I set up my own website and start blogging about nutrition, sleep, stress, toxins, exercise and anything that can help people getting healthier and feel better. I keep the articles short: a bit of information on how our physiology works and many practical tips that are easy to squeeze into our busy days and have be proven by the research to work.

I just want to raise awareness. It is not because a product is sold in our favorite supermarket that it is healthy. Our modern lifestyles are harmful in so many ways and it is not enough to just avoid junk food and give up smoking. We need to do much more than that: pay attention to what we buy, how much we move, what we think about, the water we drink and how we use technology. We all need to be so much more mindful. We can no longer be on auto-pilot and hope that we will stay healthy. This was my realization anyway. I hope it will make your readers think about it.

Karine

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[ossyuche]

Should I Ask My Boyfriend to See a Therapist for His Issues?

I am a 25-year old woman living in North Carolina. I’ve been with my loving, consistent boyfriend (also 25) for a year now and I’ve been impressed with how easy and natural the relationship is. We live separately but see each other at least 2-3x/week and have keys to each other’s places. However, we spent the holidays together this year and it’s become apparent his family and childhood issues still haunt him.

His parent’s awful marriage and a genetic predisposition for mental illness left him in bad shape. I have no room to judge as the anxious child of a bitter divorce, but after 3 years of therapy and dozens of self help books I know I’ve done my part to become a healthy person and partner. He went to therapy as a child and a few times in college, but since then hasn’t been back.

Even though he has always been emotionally available, some of his habits make me want to ask him to see a therapist. He gets jealous even though he’s never been cheated on, and if he has one too many beers, feelings and tears usually follow. He often agonizes over what people think of him and will go to events he doesn’t even like so friends won’t be upset (and expects me to attend). When I ask him why he’s like this, he’s very self aware and explains to me how he’s feeling and why he feels that way. For example, he has jealousy issues from witnessing his father’s affairs growing up.

I love him and want to accept him as he is, but is it fair to ask him to go to therapy and at least try to work through these issues? If so, how can I approach the subject without making him feel attacked? We’ve already discussed marriage as a possibility in the next few years and I really want us to have a healthy relationship. Thank you!

Karima

I appreciate your sensitive and self-aware letter, and applaud you for getting the help you needed to become a healthier partner.

I, too, am a self-help person. Even though I grew up in a stable, loving family. Even though I was given all the self-esteem and resources one could ever hope for. There’s always something to learn and improve. You and I have what is known as a growth mindset.

My wife, on the other hand, is not a self-help person. She, too, grew up in a stable, loving family, and is generally a well-adjusted, happy woman. But when we were first dating, I’d hear her complain about her work and offer to help her communicate with her boss or maybe start her own company, and she’d immediately tune out. I’d tell her about a book I read or a seminar I attended and encourage her to check it out. Nope. Not interested. My wife has a fixed mindset. Change, in general, is unwelcome and scary. Probably comes from her family. Everything’s okay. Nothing to see here.

About one year into our relationship, I cornered my future wife on this question of why she refused to look inward. Her answer bowled me over.

“You do all this self-help stuff but I’m happier than you are.”

Mic drop. There really wasn’t much to say after that. I’ve largely stopped asking her to do formal self-help. But I still lapse into my ways — the self-help professional know-it-all, while she digs into what she calls “the most stubborn passive person you’ll ever meet” persona.

My wife may be crying because she’s tired and overwhelmed, but will she change? Nope. She’s going to do things her way, even if her way isn’t making her happy. I would guess, Karima, that most people are a lot more like my wife and your boyfriend than like you and me.

People don’t change because YOU want them to change. They change because THEY want to change.

I didn’t mean to hijack your story, because they’re not perfect parallels, but I do think it’s instructive to recognize something that is essential to understand about relationships. People don’t change because YOU want them to change. They change because THEY want to change. You can’t sign up someone with a personal trainer against her will. You can’t get a guy a better job if he’s too lazy or scared to change careers. And that’s the frustrating part of relationships with those who have fixed mindsets. The good part is that you know EXACTLY what you’re going to get from your guy in the future — more of the same.

So does your boyfriend need therapy? You betcha. Is it your job to force him to go therapy? No way.

If, in the context of a conversation where he tearfully describes how frustrated he is, and asks for your guidance, you can certainly SUGGEST therapy, but you can’t foist it upon him. That’s exactly what happened to me last December when my wife pulled a bunch of all-nighters due to stay-at-mom overwhelm. I saw this as my opening. I bought her a book called “Time to Parent — Organizing Your Life to Bring Out the Best in Your Child and You” for Christmas. It’s still sitting unread on her night stand. If it’s going to get read, I’ll have to do it and give her the Cliff Notes, which will be skimmed, but not absorbed. This dynamic will continue for the rest of our lives.

Long story short, you can’t save anyone from himself. Your leverage — if you choose to exercise it — is to let him know that because you want to build a stable, happy marriage, you’d like him to look into some form of self-help that will ensure success for both of you.

If things are that bad — and you really don’t feel safe in staying if he doesn’t change, then, well, you’re going to have to walk away and find a man without his issues. The question is whether you’re willing to do that, and no one else can answer that question except you.

The post Should I Ask My Boyfriend to See a Therapist for His Issues? appeared first on Dating Coach – Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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The Benchmark For Me Is “What Works?”

It’s Friday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Friday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

Write a success story. Success? Really? Me? This is no rags to riches story, no 50lb weight losses or disease turn around. In fact, by Western world standards I was probably considered pretty “healthy” (or at least ‘normal’) and probably well above average in terms of general fitness and energy.

So let’s define what “then” was: I was over 40, could get close to a 3hr marathon, worked out… ate (by SAD standards) ‘sensibly’, drank a bit too much (alcohol) but (thought I) was doing pretty well. Right? However, in my early forties I also had a 36 inch waist, I was hypertensive and taking medication (along with various off the shelf supplements), I had an enlarged prostate (measured at 38g). I could be up over 80kg if I wasn’t running 100km a week… and as for those chronic exercise issues, well even now I still try and justify them! (Looking back it is amazing I didn’t see more of these signs as ‘abnormal’.)

What made sense to me then? My breakfast was super healthy as I saw it… cereal and fruit… tasted and felt great… and fresh… and hungry two hours later… but that was because I exercised right? Sandwiches are healthy options so lots of those. Pasta? Well, I was running so of course plenty of pasta… and when it came to race time well what could be better than a carb loading pizza party with friends and a couple of days of downing pocari sweat and Gatorade to prepare?

But it didn’t make sense. While I thought I was relatively sensible and moderate in my eating habits there was this nagging feeling that the exercise/eating balance and what I actually ate just wasn’t right.

Three years ago I arranged lunch with a friend, Chad Davis, who was starting out as a wellness coach. Besides wanting to learn more about diet I was also looking for a panacea for long distance (marathon and ultra marathon) running and thought that a low carb, high fat diet might be just the thing. Turned out there are not any magic fixes. But that lunchtime meeting to talk about food and fuel was the start to many other things.

What I didn’t know at the time was that much of Mark’s work had steered and guided Chad to his low carb, high fat diet recommendations—recommendations which I took on wholeheartedly. Something made sense from day one. Cupboard and fridge cleaning complete I embarked on my journey to eliminate carbs and sugar and start fat-burning at a lightning pace.

However, the story (if there is one?!) is more about what happened around the diet changes: I started reading—I devoured books on calories and carbs and tried to debunk what I was being told. But it made sense… and worked. Those books on diet led to books on sleep…books on meditation…on productivity…you get the picture. I began to see diet as part of a ‘holistic’ approach to being ‘healthier’ and ‘happier’.

And that worked too. I was able to integrate a much improved diet with other all round well-being philosophies. For example a year ago I started meditating, something that has changed my life. I understand the importance of good sunlight, grounding and of course sleep as well as other areas of improving my life.

That all said, the ‘crux’, so to speak of my journey, and by the tales on these pages that of many others, is the dedication of Mark (and those in his field) to making incredibly complex ideas make sense to laymen like me…and making it fun and digestible—quite literally. Common sense ways of bringing together diet, exercise, sleep and the like is something that I will be forever grateful.

The benchmark for me over the last three years has been continually asking, “what works?” What can I see make a difference—both in myself and those who follow similar practices (good or bad) around me? I place little faith in studies or statistics, but more in common sense and results.

So where am I “now”? Still on my journey (which I describe on my blog, Ways To Wellness) is the short answer. Still learning and in some instances relearning diet, sleep, gratitude and more. I am now 48, I have a 32 inch waist (it has changed for at least a couple of years), I am stable between 70 and 72kg, I take no blood pressure medication (or other supplements) and my prostate was measured 25% smaller (than it was three years ago) eighteen months ago. More importantly, while maybe not quite fast, I only run 20km a week, balance that with lifting heavy things and swimming and have more time for my family and when I do ‘go for it’ I recover quicker.

Advice: Don’t stop learning (stay in touch with MDA, new books and alike) and don’t stress: an extraordinary life is all about daily continuous improvements in areas that matter most. Knowledge is power and the vast knowledge that Mark and his team impart are both fascinating and invaluable (even if I don’t make sense of all the science).

None of us know what tomorrow will bring, but you can chart your way to a happier, healthier and more productive life now and well into old age—and have fun doing so. Wellness is not the answer to long life itself but the means to being happier and healthier through the one we are given—no limits.

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